LOL

Arthur Leclerc updating us all on the weather conditions… 🌧💀

I wasn’t patiently molded like clay pottery to fit through society’s cutout.

I was picked apart, roughly and maliciously carved out, squished and squashed into a somewhat recognisable shape with clumps small and large, barely being held together by cracking splotches of dried glue.

When a child grows up in poverty they learn that excess is bad. That outside of necessity any other expenses, is money they could’ve spent on a better meal another day.

When that child grows up and becomes a parent, that way of life stays with them. The financial insecurity never goes away. The child they birthed to raise is passed off to relatives for babysitting and they grind and grind and grind. These relatives can never replace the presence of a parent no matter how “experienced” they are at bringing up children. They are gone the moment the child reaches the age for primary education.

This child then spends their childhood with lack of nurture and guidance. They grow up not knowing the ways of the world and how to behave socially until they are forced to learn when they go to schools, by then it’s too late. Their lack of societal awareness causes them to be disliked, and when they go home, the warmth of a family that greets them is but an empty home. The moment their parents see them all they mention is homework and studies.

They could grow apathetic to others, acting out for attention; or in a way they feel that causes least burdens on their parents, like a toddler that has lost their favourite toy throwing tantrums and raging out in anyway to show their frustration; like a rat on the street laying low and hiding themselves from people’s eyes.

But what does the parent know? They know that a good education can grant their child opportunities to avoid the same life they lead. They only hope to provide for their child so that they would not live out their future lives in insecurity as they themselves do.

This narrow-mindedness costs more then what it can give: frustration, depression, loneliness, insecurity, lack of self-worth, etc. This child grows up seeing all the grinding their parents do and yet that unwillingness to spend that money on “extravagance”, how do you think that makes them feel? When they get told of for something like a soft toy they got for their own comfort, that it’s wasteful and unnecessary use of money. What does that make them think? Something along the lines of “Money is more important than me” or “I need more money from another source because I can’t use my parent’s money”, you see where this is going?

These parents are unintentionally causing the same thing they want their children to avoid: Money hungriness and financial insecurity.

having dermatillomania is such a journey because it has traits of being an addiction but also of being a type of self-harm and it's also a compulsion. you really get a 3 in 1.

I don’t want to feel the need to be strong anymore, I don’t want to be forced to be resilient so I can hold on. It feels so suffocating to have to hide my weakness behind excuses, I just want to be understood.

Even if it’s bad, at least it will keep me alive right?

Never thought I would be put in a position where I would be able to empathise with those who turn to smoking, drinking and doing drugs but I guess you can never say never for sure.

I want a family, a home, a place I inherently belong to,

I want brothers who would bring me along on adventures, play with me, let me join in with their pranking, let me tie their hair and paint their nails

I want sisters who will bring me shopping, play dress up with me, talk about girl and school gossip, play dress up as guys and trick our mutuals on social media

I want a father who will joke with me, try to get me involved in all his interests, talk to me and care for me like dad’s do in that way which makes them feel as if they don’t but they actually do

I want a mother who will care for me, who will love me tenderly, who will notice every little change in me and will make sure to comfort me when I’m stressed or upset

I want unconditional platonic love, care and support that comes from a family. One which comes naturally and doesn’t require a bargaining chip to attain. I want to know that there will be people there for me, who will comfort me with just their presence, who will ground me and confirm my existence as they seek me out, who will protect me and who will involve me in their lives no matter what.

I am a lonely child and I just want family.

do not disturb

Uncontrollable compulsions

My body: *works hard to heal a superficial wound*

Me: *picks it open for the fourth time and consequently makes it worse*

My body:

POV: the girls are fighting.

I’m jealous of those who can function like a normal human being. They don’t have anxiety holding them back from everything, they don’t struggle to get out of bed or have to put on an act that everything is fine when its not. They don’t struggle to hold friendships and relationships… they don’t feel sad for no fucking reason everyday. Those that can hold jobs and work towards their dreams, the ones who have self esteem and see the beauty in themselves. Those that know what its like to feel safe and secure, not insecure and fearful of it all. 

Now I’m empty. I have nothing to give to anyone. Except for talking about my pain. And since I realize that’s toxic, I’ve simply isolated.

“Maybe I like the feeling I get from destroying myself. Maybe it feels good.”

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