Clytemnestra: FIGHT ME!, you nerd ass punk. Helen, behind her: at least try to sound sophisticated when you threaten someone. Clytemnestra,smirking: dost thou wish to engage in a dual, my good ✨bitch✨ Helen,unimpressed: somehow that was worse.

Apollo: I can and will destroy your bloodline Achilles: Jokes on you dipshit, the bloodline's already ending with me Neoptolemus:

Diomedes sitting on a couch with his arms crossed: So I've seen that you've been spending a lot of time with Penelope lately. Odysseus: Wait no dude it's not what it looks like I swear Diomedes: Oh really? So theres no reason for me to be jealous? Odysseus: No! You're the only one for me Diomedes: Is that so? Odysseus: I promise! Penelope and I are just dating, ok? Diomedes: so there's no rivalry-friendship feelings involved? Odysseus: you are still my only Rival. She's just the best thing that's happened to me. Nothing more Diomedes: but I'm the best Rival to have happened to you right? Odysseus: Of course! Penelope just watching all of this go down: What the fuck

Achilles: *Opens the door and holds it open* After you, sir. Agamemnon: No thank you. I never let anyone walk behind me. 7 out of 10 attacks come from behind. Achilles: Well, that still leaves a 30% chance that I'll attack you from the front... Agamemnon: Yes, but it will be easier to stop. I can obviously always block the blow. I would countert it. Not that you would ever have the guts to- Achilles: *Slaps Ag* *Walks inside* Agamemnon:

Paris: Hey, dad. Remember our relationship with Sparta? Priam: Of course. Priam: Wait- Priam: What do you mean "remember"?

Odysseus: You guys don't want to mess with me! Eurylochus: Yeah. He will straight up cry in public. Don't try him Odysseus: Exactly, I will stra- Odysseus: Odysseus, tearing up: Why would you say something like that?

Stenelus: Dio, we NEED to get you to a doctor! Diomedes: I'm sorry, is this OUR stab wound...? No, so stay out of it!

Odysseus: People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Odysseus: it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.

Menelaus: Helen, why are you not dressed? Helen: Uhm, because I have nothing to wear? Menelaus, looking through the closet: You have three dresses, two pairs of pants, a hoodie- hi, Paris- a skirt, and three shirts.

Iphigenia, gardening: Hey, can you bring me a hoe? Clytemnestra: Yeah, sure. *A few minutes later* Clytemnestra: Here you go. Iphigenia: Clytemnestra: Agamemnon: Why am I here?

Kidnapper: we have your brother Hector: let me speak with him Kidnapper: go ahead, you're on speaker Hector, to Paris: dumbass

Antilochus: What’s your biggest fear? Briseis: That I’ll never be good enough for anyone. Patroclus: Everyone hates me and talks about me behind my back. Achilles: Zombies. Briseis: ... Patroclus: ... Achilles: BUT they can open doors.

Clytemnestra, singing to the tune of I Kissed a Girl: I killed a guy, and I liked it- Pollux, whispering: Should we call the exorcist? Castor, also singing: The taste of his cherry chapstick. Helen, appalled: Call the exorcist.

Odysseus: Every conversation we have is becoming more and more absurd! You people can do whatever you want with this war... Menelaus: You say "you people" like you're not part of the swear, but i've got news for you - you're already on the Dionysia card.

Teucer: You know you can die from that, right? Patroclus: *smoking a cigarette* That's the point. Ajax: *drinking alcohol* We're trying to hurry this up. Achilles: *Eating raw cookie dough and nodding*