I’m trying to remind myself that my depression usually hits at night.

I have been feeling alright mentally during the day. But once it’s dark and I know I need to sleep, my mind just spirals.

It’s so difficult to sleep. I’ve struggled with insomnia. For years I also had vivid nightmares nearly every single night.

I cut contact with my father who is a narcissistic abuser. And the nightmares finally subsided.

So tonight I am living for tomorrow. Tomorrow I know that things will probably feel ten times better than I do now. And I’ll try not to put too much pressure on myself to fall asleep, because God knows that leads to even more insomnia.

Wow things have really been hard lately. So here are some things I want to live for:

I’d love to see the Grand Canyon someday

I want to milk a cow

Go to Disney World as an adult (the last time I went I was 13)

Sing live band karaoke

I want to host a pickle tasting party where we all try different pickles and declare a winner.

There are so many cheeses I haven’t tried yet. Not to mention the ones you have to travel for because they don’t import them.

Still here!

I realize I haven't been updated this blog and wanted to say I'm here living my life still.

Some of the things that are helping me get through tough times:

* Watching Station Eleven - somehow watching how Shakespearean actors still perform even when a pandemic has wiped off most of the population of earth... is cathartic?

* Using the makeup and skincare items I already have. I was honestly surprised at the number of things that I had forgotten about.

* My psychiatrist - I'm so grateful to have finally found a good doctor to prescribe my mental health meds. I had so many medical providers who would forget to write the prescriptions that they said they would, causing me to run out of things I cant suddenly stop.

Hope you're all hanging in there and that you can find small joys that help you get through the hard stuff.

I Always Forget

I always forget how much sleeping can help when I'm feeling depressed. Last night I had a lot of suicidal ideation.

But this morning, I woke up and it's like my mind reset to a happier place.

Have you noticed this as well?

It's one of those things that I have noticed before. But sometimes in the moment of feeling so depressed I find myself not believing that something as simple as sleep can help.

~A List of Things to Live For~

•The breeze in your hair when you roll down the window •When the rays of sunshine pour into your room when you wake up •Taking the laundry out of the dryer and it’s soft and warm •Hot Cocoa in the winter •Wearing clothes that make you happy •Finding someone who inspires you •Discovering new music •Seeing a dog while taking a walk •Not being able to put down a good book •Going on a drive with no destination •The smell of old bookstores •the sound of the waves when they break •Taking walks downtown and looking at store windows •Having someone run their fingers through your hair •Watching old movies •Getting cheesecake even though it’s 3am •When you can’t stop smiling until it hurts •Soft blankets

Feel free to add more❤

I’ll be honest. I am struggling. So I decided to make an account to fill with things to live for. If this is something you need too, I hope that these things help you too.

And please feel free to add the things that you live for too.

Things to live for:

For all the dogs you’ve yet to pet

For new movies starring your favorite actors

For the next book in your favorite series

For all the libraries you’ve yet to visit

For days when the weather is exactly to your liking

For all the new things you will learn about

For the times when you smile at the camera and mean it