half-lit-candle - Tumblr blog

half-lit-candle · 3 months

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half-lit-candle · 3 months

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Keep the flame going for those we have lost to suicide.

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half-lit-candle · 5 months

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I hate it when I get so angry I start to physically feel it, my cheeks get red, my heart starts to beat faster, my hands sweat, I get hot, my head hurts, my throat gets sore, my breathing is uneven, sometimes even my head starts to turn, but I can't do anything about it, I have to keep it all inside, I want to ripe my skin off but I can't do nor say anything, it drives me crazy. And then when I'm alone thinking about it I just cry, I cry because I am angry at myself for not saying anything, for staying silent when my whole body was screaming, for shutting off at the only moment where I would have love to talk.

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half-lit-candle · 6 months

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i feel the need to mutilate every inch of my skin, drench it in my own blood, and the continue my life as if nothing ever happened.

#baby cvts #self mutalition #sh vent #tw sh related #cvtaddict #self h@rm #tw self destruction #i want to cvt #tw self sabotage #sh things #tw self h4rm #harm self #self harm #self sabotage

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half-lit-candle · 6 months

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sh in school bathrooms <<<<

#baby styro #self mutalition #selfharn #styroblr #self h@rm #sh relapse #styrotwt #beansblr #sh twt #tw sh relapse #shblr #styrotumblr #s3lfh4rm #cvtt1ng #tw sh related

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half-lit-candle · 6 months

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i was clean for at least two weeks before yesterday. i relapsed really badly. the sh itself isn't that bad, but i have a feeling that it will get worse. i had thought that i was over this. but now i realize that i will never be.

why should i live a life full of misery and loneliness when i can end it all? why should i continue torturing myself and disappointing the people who have expectations from me any longer? why should i live a life where no matter how hard i try, i'm never going to be enough? why should i continue living a life where the beauty of happiness turns into guilt the second i start to enjoy it? why should i continue living this horrible life in a broken body with an even broken mind?

i need to go. i want to go. i have to go.

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half-lit-candle · 6 months

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Tumblr isn’t social media, it’s a habit. Like smoking. We’re all gathering by the dumpster in the cold, reblogging posts.

#self h@rm #self mutalition #i want to cvt #sh vent #sh things #tw self sabotage #cvtaddict #baby cvts #tw self destruction #tw sh related

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half-lit-candle · 6 months

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i dont know what i should do. i have a blade with me and i feel like shit. i want to quite literally kill myself and i dont feel like cuts and slashes to my skin are going to work anymore

#self mutalition #tw sh related #tw self sabotage #tw self destruction #sh vent #baby cvts #sh things #cvtaddict #i want to cvt #self h@rm #svicide #tw selfhate #tw self destructive behavior #tw self destructive thoughts #svicidal thoughts #i want to die

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half-lit-candle · 6 months

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i wanna die so badly, but then i think about the people who would actually care if i died, and then i cant. i want to do it, want to go through with it so badly, but then i remember their faces and i just end up losing a shit amount of blood over nothing. i want to stop existing without hurting anyone else. i want to die and see that no one is grieving over me.

leave me so i can leave this world

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half-lit-candle · 6 months

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this is so true like one day im super clean and determined to maintain that streak, but the next day i just go like fuck it i dont care i just wanna bleed out. i wanna see the blood drip to the floor

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half-lit-candle · 6 months

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my urge to kill myself is increasing by every second

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half-lit-candle · 6 months

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:(

i hate being alone i hate it i hate it

i don't want to be left alone in a house with blades im trying so hard

i don't want to be left alone with all my thoughts

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half-lit-candle · 6 months

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now im staring at the blood trying to figure out how all this started

Now I'm staring at the void, contemplating the urge to c/////t myself

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half-lit-candle · 6 months

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i wish my friends were like this. my friends start panicking the second they find out im s3lf h@rming again. they try to talk to me and try to get me to stop. they dont understand that im not doing this for attention. they just assume that i am and thats why they try to make me stop. the dont understand that the reason i sh is because i dont like attention or anyone thinking that im seeking attention. i started self harming again after months because i felt like i was a burden on everyone around me and i had to make myself suffer for it. i just want to be alone and die.

a few days ago my bsf found out i hurt myself and i dont think she cares. all she did was tell me that she found out and that was pretty much it. i wish she cared enough to ask if im ok or talk to me abt it but i cant bring it up past posting on my main blog because otherwise i feel like im begging for attention and she wont wanna be friends

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half-lit-candle · 6 months

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addictive you say?

fuck man it actually is

me when i realize my sh addiction is actually addictive

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half-lit-candle · 6 months

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this is quite literally me.

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half-lit-candle · 6 months

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16th and 17th october

precisely 12 days for my midterm exams. i want to improve my grades and finally prove to my parents that i am not the dumb, lazy, ungrateful child they think i am. so im going to start this blog to just let all my feelings out while staying anonymous. you can refer to me as candle if you want to (i know no one is going to read this but still). i have been studying rigorously for the past 5 months and i am finally going to get the chance to prove myself.

my parents are not the typical type. they know that i am specially gifted, because i got into a very prestigious school in my state which requires like 2 entrance exams. they know that i am very smart but for the past few years my mental health had taken a major toll and it affected my studies a lot. i used to just sit in front of my laptop and read stuff or watch YouTube or just whatever! i didn't study at all. my parents started to think i was just being lazy when i was actually in severe depression. they started to yell at me every single day. we would have arguments which would just result in me ending up in even worse situations than before.

my classmates used to bully me for being dumb too. i knew they didn't mean it but it hurt. until last year they used to call me dumb and stupid and just because i didn't score well on tests! they started ignoring me and just regarded me as the person who no one liked, but still talked to. of course not all of them did that, but most did. even the teachers started to target me. i was really mad at myself. i talked to my best friend about this and she talked to all our friends and to our class about my situation. she really changed my life and i got a little happy.

that sliver of happiness made my life worse. i started gaining confidence and people started taking me seriously. i started getting even more distracted and didn't pay attention to my academics at all. i was spending all my time just doing nothing and then a day before my tests i would start to panic. i was a perfectly fine person on the outside but inside, things were different

i never took time to analyze my situation. i never considered that my mental health was important and everything about me except my grades mattered too. i got very suicidal. i started self harming again because i didn't know what else to do. it got to the point that every single day i would carry razor blades with me and would cut on my thighs and stomach in the bathroom. i never let my friends find this out because if they did, they would think that i was doing that for attention. i lost all my interest in my hobbies. i stopped singing, i stopped painting. i stopped doing everything i liked because i felt like i did not deserve happiness.

since then my situation has changed my my habit of self injury has not. now because of the fear of failure, i just wake up, study, get ready, go to school, study, come back home, study and study some more until i pass out on my desk. i don't get enough sleep. i don't eat enough food. i dont exercise and i dont show my real emotions to anybody.

right now i'm taking time to write this because i was walking across my room to get my books and i glanced in the mirror and i saw a ghost. i was seeing the studious girl my parents expected and the smart girl who everyone likes but then i saw a shadow. a malnourished girl with huge bags under her eyes and an emotionless face. her eyes did not have a single spark in them. i saw a hollow outline of her limbs with only a trace of human left in them.

that's when i decided that i needed to change.

for the past 5 months( aka the new school year) i have been scoring my best possible on every single test. i have completed every single assignment weeks before the due date. i have tried to keep my scores to the expectation of everyone. i have been faking smiles here and there, trying to fit in. everyone is just thinking that im finally improving, but no. i may be scoring better now, i may seem a lot more happy now but inside, i am not improving at all.

my past traumas keep haunting me day and night, i feel constantly burdened and at the same time feel like a burden. but then again its like sometimes i dont care what everyone else thinks and that im content with my life and my situation. its like i feel happy and sad at the same time. its like im depressed but also having the best time of my life. i dont know what to do.

#sh mention #mentally fucked #want to die

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