elderemorune
An Elder Emo's Smatterings
The random thoughts of an Emo kid who never was.
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Is this euphoria?
Holy fucking shit.
Holy fucking shit.
How does it feel like everything's changed?
Okay, so collecting myself a little (or a lot), I've been through a huge amount of change in the last week or so. I came out as nonbinary, and I quit my job.
So not only have I cast aside my gender, but I've escaped the stress of my daily relationship with my father.
Don't get me wrong, I love the man, but we wouldn't be friends in another life.
Anyway, I've been trying more femme clothes lately and right now I'm standing in the kitchen, wearing a fishnet top a crop top and my wife's crop hoodie and I feel weird! Very happy, but also super anxious for some reason.
Is that how this normally works?
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Guess who's nonbinary!
It's me.
I'm the enby.
All of my fucking friends were some form of "Called it!" or "Knew it!" and that was a trip.
My wife was pretty chill with it though, so that's cool.
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PLUR BAYBEEE
So it should come as no surprise that I love ridiculous things. Star Trek, dogs, my cat, people in general, EDM.
Speaking of EDM, for those unfamiliar, PLUR stands for Peace, Unity, Love, and Respect. The defining traits of the Rave scene, or at least it was explained to me this way. Until Friday, I'd never seen an EDM show live, much less been to a rave (and no I'm not counting those dances back in middle school where the DJ would play the censored version of American Idiot for a bunch of small, Ritalin loaded assholes). For my first, whew, I picked a hell of a show.
Let's start at the beginning. A few weeks ago, I found this artist, Hyper Potions. I'd never heard of him before, and I'll admit, my first look into him was... Less than appealing. There was some controversy with one of the two founders, but my initial doubts were quickly disabused, as one of the duo very firmly told the controversial member to fuck off, no ifs, ands or butts.
This in mind, I looked to see if he was on tour, and to my shock, heck to my awe, it just so happened that he was doing a show at The Crocodile in Seattle on the 5th.
Just in time for my birthday! (It's around the time I posted this, I'll leave you guessing the exact date, because that's funnier to me.)
The tickets were reasonable, so I grabbed my wife and @thisbirdhasceasedtobe, we got dressed, and away we went! There was a dinner plan, but the place I wanted to go to was too full so we bounced and hit the venue.
The opening act was this guy I'd never heard of before, Knob Ross. If I'm totally honest, I liked his vibe, but this man was not really good at playing the crowd. I imagine it's hard to be the opening act at a show like this, since you're who's playing while people filter in. The way the stage was set up also had me misreading his name as Knob Boss all evening too, which isn't a knock against him, but more of a statement. Hell, because of that I didn't get the joke with his name.
Normally this is where I'd share one of his songs, but he's proving difficult to track down. If someone has any of his work, I'd be happy to put an example here!
Anticipation started mounting when Hyper took the stage though. Between his crowd work and his cool visuals, the house was jumping within minutes of his appearance. The energy he brought was so bright and so happy I couldn't help but smile myself.
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Hey look at that, he actually did music for a Sonic game! That explains why his visuals were all really cool voxel animations of various Sonic characters!
Funny enough though, despite having gone to the show for Hyper Potions, I'd like to introduce you to the headliner.
Have you ever wanted to see a man in a Sasquatch costume play the saxophone over the Jellyfish House Party from Spongebob?
Now you have!
Allow me to introduce Saxsquatch!
I wasn't looking for this man. Hell, I didn't even look at the other people playing this show, I was satisfied going to see Hyper Potions. I kept my expectations low for the others, but gods alive, was I blown away.
First off, three saxophones. One alto (which I personally play), and two tenors. One of them is peculiar though. A clear plastic affair with LEDs inside, it's easily the coolest form I've seen the instrument take, and real talk? This glowing beacon of cool made his cover of Never Gonna Give You Up even better after he joined the crowd.
Please forgive the shakiness, I was absolutely blitzed on Fernet and beer at this point, and I was swaying with the crowd as well.
Shitty cinematography aside, just look at this guy! He's having fun, we're having fun, I've never seen anything quite like it!
Obviously his crowd work is good, but what about his music? Personally I love it, even his cover of September, though my buddy vehemently disagrees with me. They said that his cover lacks soul, but I dunno, I felt a lot of soul in that crowd as we jumped to it!
I couldn't tell you a damn thing about his visuals though. Were they good? No clue! I was busy staring at him! I didn't even notice when the lasers came on because I was too busy watching a man fulfill a childhood dream of mine: being an EDM artist who plays saxophone. Yeah it was all covers, but he was there, and again, LOOK AT HIM!
Lastly, I think we should talk about the venue. It's attached to Madame Lou's, where I went to see Bear Ghost and Damn the Weather. Unlike ML's, The Crocodile is a much larger performance space, with some of the trappings of that. I wish there had been more ADL seating, as my wife is disabled and short, so finding a comfortable place for her to enjoy the show was a bit troublesome. Still, like a champion, she sat in the uncomfortable, tall stool just so that I could jump around like a fool.
The drinks? Well, they did what all venues do. Smaller drinks at about $15 each. We had five drinks between us this evening, though it's six if you count the signature drink, The Bite Back, as two. It's a beer and a shot of Fernet, which I really like. You down the shot, then chug the beer, and wait for it to bite. We also had a G&T, a Fuzzy Navel, and a Whiskey Sour, and their signature lager. I had the sour and the beer, in addition to the Bite Back. Sure, we spent a bit much on alcohol, but it was my birthday party dammit, and I was going to get drunk.
After the show, we stumbled back to the car, and had our friend (who was sober) drive us home. We stopped for some good old fashioned 1:00 AM Jack in the Box, where the poor asshole behind the window was being harassed over the phone by some fucking jerk. Would it really be a Jack in the Box if shit wasn't fucked?
Okay, I've gotten off track. The show was incredible, and I'd 100000000% go see Saxsquatch and Hyper Potions again. Knob Ross, all the love to you my man, no shade, but uh, I don't think I'll be going out of my way to find you again.
Show was a 10/10, I can't even begin to tell you how satisfying that sourdough jack was though.
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I'll See Ya When I See Ya
I've grown up, and I didn't even notice. It was such a gradual shift, from only caring about games, my friends, my girlfriend, and what cool new thing I was going to make next. I was trying a bunch of different forms of art to see what I could do, writing, painting, sculpting, none of it good, but I didn't care. I was a kid.
Before I even realized it, I was 30. Living in a house, trying to have kids, caring about politics despite promising I'd never care about them. I was so focused on growing, on becoming a better person, that I never stopped for a moment to consider what that meant, what parts of me I was leaving behind.
Then, despite my best efforts it was taken away from me. My sister and her husband needed room for their kids, and the state asked us very nicely if we'd consider leaving the house.
So we did, and here we are in Seattle, in a shitty apartment, doing shitty work while I put my wife through school, knowing that she's going to do amazing things when she graduates.
And other than her, only one goddamn person had the decency to thank me.
I guess this is growing up.
It's putting down your toys, not even knowing you'd never have time for them again. It's abandoning the carefree creativity of childhood and embracing a more structured approach to creation. It's your mom putting you down for the last time.
It's realizing your parents are humans too. It's understanding that one day, they'll be gone. It's considering how that will feel, thinking you're prepared, and of course, being wrong about that.
It's lamenting the fact that you're aging, that you're going to die.
It's worrying about taxes, what people think of you, and if you're going to make it to your next paycheck.
I miss being a kid. I mourn for my childhood, what could have been, what was. My heart breaks for the little boy sitting in his room and playing with his toys alone, scared of what will happen when his dad comes in and sees the mess. The little boy who didn't understand why nobody liked him. Whose peers found him annoying and pretentious when all he wanted to do was be friends with them. Who was hated by teachers and admin alike because he was 'too smart' but they couldn't figure out what to do with him, so they punished him.
All he ever wanted was to be loved. To be understood. It took a very long time to find the right people for that. I'm forever thankful to my wife and my best friends, because without them I would't be who I am now.
But it's so much more than that, too!
Growing up is also realizing that you're so much more than just a kid. Understanding that you have power, a voice, the ability to change things for the better. It's learning how to communicate with others, making new friends, reaching new heights!
Here I am, on the cusp of my next birthday, planning to go party for an evening because I've never done that. And that's growing up too. Experiencing new things just because, or making spontaneous plans. Meeting new people. Evolving as a human.
I don't know when I looked at my childhood self and said "See ya when I see ya", but I saw him today, and fuck did it hurt.
I guess this is growing up.
#blog#journal#childhood trauma#emotions#adulthood#blink 182#i guess this is growing up#depressing shit
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In Defense of Hating Magical Girl Anime
I got nothing.
I just don't like it, couldn't tell you why.
I know Mashle is stupid. I know that whatever light novel crap I'm watching is dumb.
But for some reason, Symphogear just ain't it, chief.
Sorry to my roommate, whom I love deeply. My taste in anime is SHIT, and I refuse to defend it further. :P
(P.S. I actually really respect their opinions on media, but they've been trying to get me to watch more Symphogear and while it should be my vibe, I don't really like idol anime or magical girl that much.)
(P.P.S. No, I can't explain it.)
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Become Ungovernable
Strip your local Arby's of copper wire.
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Despite Everything, It's Still You
Who would have thought that a nine year old indie game would punch me in the gut again, long after I originally played it? Undertale was incredibly important to me when it first came out. I was so lost, having just jumped into adulthood, and Frisk et al. helped me to understand that I had a choice in who I became.
I loved Papyrus so much that I picked up drawing again just to draw fanart of him. It's hard not to think of him as my friend still, that's how much I love him. I can't ever go back and play the game again either. After the ending I got, what right do I have to disturb their lives? They get their happily ever after, and I want Sans and Papyrus to have that. I want them all to have that.
But that's not the purpose of this post.
I looked in the mirror for real for the first time in a long time this morning, and echoing through my head was the phrase "Despite everything, it's still you."
There's a mirror near the start of the game, if you look into it you get a text box that says "It's you." and if you gaze into a similar mirror near the end of the game it says "Despite everything, it's still you."
I smiled when looking my my reflection for the first time in a very long time today. I've found my feet. I know the kind of person I want to be. And thanks to that, I'm more me than I've ever been. Despite the people I've hurt and those who hurt me, despite the people around me, despite attempts to control who I became, I'm still me.
Despite everything, it's still me.
And I know that's not a promise that things will get better. I still have a fight in front of me to get where I want to go, but it's important to take a moment and reflect. I know the hardest parts are ahead of me, but somehow just seeing myself and hearing that thought steeled my resolve to keep striding forward.
You could even say that I'm full of determination!
Truly though, I'm not sure what happened. I'd been stuck in this mire of doubt and low self-worth for months, my mind and heart both feeling like they were bleeding out as my body carried on without me, and then suddenly, I'm alive again, reminded that no matter what, I can't give up.
For what it's worth, I did already know I can't give up yet. I'm not in that dark of a place yet! I've sought a therapist, but first I need a general practitioner and a fucking referral because my insurance's search on their website sucks ass. I'm seeking aid, and trying to get out of the house more.
I was even honest with my wife about how I've been feeling insecure lately. About how I feel like I pissed away the best (and maybe only) chance I had to go to school for a long time. How I feel stuck in my job because I'm just not qualified for it but my boss keeps encouraging me to learn. How my social circle is so incredibly small and my introverted ass needs more people than her and our best friend.
I'm trying to grow and be better.
Because dammit
Despite Everything, It's Still Me.
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Self-Care and the Act of Healing
So it likely comes as no surprise to anyone who comes across this tiny Internet hovel I've squirreled away in that I don't have the greatest relationship with my mental health. Some days we're great, but that's not a very common occurrence for me. Most often we're on neutral ground, not shooting each other but uh, if negotiations don't go well, who knows?
For months now, I've been in that weird neutral standoff that's bordering on a firefight with myself.
I've blamed a lot of it on my parents. I mean, it's easy, right? They taught me to be the way I am, and that's why I'm so damn miserable. They taught me to sacrifice as much of myself as possible to keep everyone around me happy. Walk on eggshells around your dad or he'll scream at you. Do what dad asks or he'll beat you. Accept whatever punishment you're given because you're a bad child, even if we know your sister lied to us just to get you in trouble.
And that shit's hard to let go of.
Almost two years ago, my father apologized to me for being a bad dad. He was in therapy then, and doing the work. Part of his work was to be generous and kind with no expectations tied to those two things, or at least that's what he said. So he signed onto a loan with my wife and I for a car. At the time, I told him I was willing to forgive him if he kept doing the work his therapist told him he needed to do.
My mom's never apologized to me directly for not being present or even really trying to keep me safe from dad. As far as she's concerned, she did her best. She taught me to be cautious, anxious, to anticipate dad's needs and to apologize frequently even if I didn't do anything wrong. This was her way of protecting me, was giving me this Atlas complex, this need to take care of everyone and everything before ever even thinking about taking care of myself.
And honestly, I'm not sure what the bigger disservice was.
But does blame even have to be levied against them?
It's a difficult concept, just allowing them to be people. I used to think my dad was a hero, and that my mom was the greatest because at least I had a home and clothes and food, which is more than many of my friends had. At least I wasn't dealing with the kinds of things my wife was, with a stepmom who hated her, a mom and dad who both didn't want to be parents, and a racist stepdad, all tossing her back and forth between houses because none of them could be responsible adults.
But that's the bare fucking minimum, isn't it?
Parents are supposed to take care of their kids. They're supposed to clothe, feed, and house them, to nurture them until it's time to go be grownups. I mean, obviously in addition to that, parents find new and fascinating ways to fuck their kids up, but that's an inevitability of existence too.
I think what I'm getting at is that I don't blame my parents for me dealing with this shit now, but goddamn does it suck, and I'm sorry they couldn't help me more.
I've made some decisions about my life recently, big ones, about who I want to be and where I want to go and what I want to do, and a huge part of that process was deciding who I can have in my life. I can't have my folks around anymore. I can't deal with the negativity, the judgement, the constant "are you sure?". I just don't think I can keep them in my life for all that much longer.
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An Interesting Title
What a monumental week it's been.
Awful, but monumental.
My best friend introduced me to the whitest band I've ever heard, Bear Ghost, something like six months ago, and I've been a little hung up since. Not obsessed, but they're damn good. Hell, I'll share one of my favorites from them here:
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Take a Disney Villain, give them a guitar and a bit of ska, here you go. Bear Ghost. They call themselves 'adventure rock', a genre created by Swedish band Hällas, who play "a blend of progressive rock, hard rock and heavy metal inspired by 1970s bands". You know what, I see it, and it fits.
Anyway, they played a show at Madame Lou's in Seattle on Monday, and holy shit were they fun. Honestly way better live than I ever thought they'd be! Their crowd work was impeccable, I loved the way they moved about onstage and dude, their smiles are so fucking warm, it was like being in a sunlit field while they were onstage.
The brought with them a smaller band by the name of Damn the Weather.
Their music is truly beautiful, and I honestly couldn't really explain it, so here's a song from them:
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They're tiny right now, and this was their first time on the road, same as Bear Ghost. I couldn't tell you the name of any song they played, but I was enraptured by them during the opening act. They were less bombastic, lower energy, but there was something so incredibly beautiful about that melancholic vibe they brought that not only matched the venue, but served as the perfect palate cleanser prior to the main act taking the stage.
I love them. Please, anyone reading this, give them a listen on Spotify, sub to their YouTube, signal boost the hell out of them!
After the show, the frontman (whose name I have tragically forgotten) was going through the crowd and thanking everyone who would talk to them. I was waiting in line to get some merch signed by the dudes of Bear Ghost, and they walked up, so I told them what I felt:
"Your music was so beautiful, I cried during the violin solo holy shit dude" and they thanked me so much. I offered them a hug, and they took it and started crying, saying "I never thought we'd make it here, I can't even believe this is real." I just kept hugging them and said "You made it baby, you made it and you'll always be welcome back here."
So overall 10/10 show. The venue was perfect, the sound was on point, and the drinks were cheap too! The bands were amazing, and I cannot wait for them to come back.
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I turn to Ares.
Thanks to Tyler Miles Lockett who allowed me to draw inspiration from his ARES piece for page 2! Look at his etsy page it's SICK
⚔️ If you want to read some queer retelling of arturian legends have a look at my webtoon
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When did I stop believing?
Dear Diary, Today's Mood:
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I loved FLCL as a kid. I felt disenfranchised then, though somehow way less than I do now. Once upon a time, I believed I'd make it to Julliard, that I could be a master chef, that I'd be a famous musician, just something big, you know? But at some point, I stopped believing I could be anything other than me.
I don't even really know what I mean by that, it's so confusing. My younger self asks me all the time if I'm some big name, if I'm famous yet, if I ever wrote anything amazing. Every time he asks, I tell him not yet, but I'm not even sure I believe I can do any of that now.
For a long time, I've dreamed of such big things, and I'm not even on the path to any of them. I don't know where to start, and I'm so caught up in these expectations that have been laid at my feet. I'm being groomed to take over my dad's company, a software engineering company. I am not an engineer. I'm just not educated to a place where I could dream of doing half of what this man does, and he still wants me to take over.
I love my job, because the parts I'm good at I'm actually pretty good, but I get so frustrated learning these incredibly complicated concepts and then he gets frustrated because I don't understand them, and he forgets that I don't have the baseline understanding he does.
I just want to play bass. I just want to cook. I just want to write.
Instead I'm learning how to do SEO, which in theory I don't mind. It's research, learning, but it's a surface level understanding of the topic, and all for the purpose of manipulating the system to put you above others. I don't have a passion for it, but it pays the bills.
But I have things to say, the kinds of things that can't be said via a search engine. I don't even care who hears me anymore. But then indecision hits, and this huge amount of fear that I'll get nowhere and do nothing. I'm so scared of failing at my dreams that I can't even get myself to start.
So why did I stop believing in myself? Why did I stop believing that I could be a musician? Why did I stop believing that I could do anything I want? God fucking dammit.
I sound like such a privileged twat. And I hate that. Waaah, poor white boy from dad with money doesn't want to be a software engineer and just wants to play guitar and feed his friends.
What the fuck is stopping me from doing this? From spending my downtime working on finding a fucking band? I could be spending my two-three hours of free time I get a night doing that, sure. But then I go to even less time I get to spend with my wife, whom I love so incredibly much holy shit. (Which is not to say that she is holding me back, I do not believe that for even a moment, I just prefer her company more often than that of others)
But I still don't get it.
I cannot figure out when I stopped thinking I was hot shit, when I stopped thinking I'd move to Seattle and start a gutter punk band, when I stopped thinking that I'd just get better at doing whatever I wanted to do if I just kept doing it? When did I let the world convince me it was okay to be mediocre? When did I become so fucking jaded?
My younger self had this impossible sense of hope for the future and he's so fucking disappointed that it's gone. I still believe that humans are fundamentally good, and that bad actors only trick us into thinking they really have the power they wield. I believe this insane thing about everyone else around me, that they are world changing, earth shattering personalities, so why can't I bring myself to believe that about myself?
Younger me had the right idea, I think, but how does someone even get themselves to thinking that? I believe it fervently for my loved ones, but none of them believe it themselves.
Gods dammit, I want to be more, and I don't even know what that means! Does anyone else feel this way?
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There is no right way to celebrate Oh Hai March, but there is a wrong way, and that way is sober.
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