there are a lot of things that I don’t tell anyone about. how i hate most of my body parts and how I lay awake at night, trying to hate them a little less. how I still remember the first time I felt hallow, till it was an ever present thought in my mind and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t shake the feeling anymore. how it feels to be unloveable and unable to love all at once. how lonely it gets inside one’s mind sometimes.

// causalities of brokenness - j.e.b.

This is what heartbreak feels like. Sitting the car for an extra five minutes, trying to calm yourself after hearing the one song that breaks you all over again. It‘s anguish that closes your throat and fogs your brain, after realising all over again that you really lost this one person that meant everything to you.

| when did it all go so wrong?

If the multiverse is real, we still wouldn‘t end up again. I never dream about you staying, never wake with the hope that this could have been more. And it‘s stupid, because we don‘t end up together in this universe, so how could be possibly end up together in another universe? Seems like we just weren‘t meant to be. So why doesn’t this lessen the pain?

„No one ever loved me enough to stay“

I hate that I want you. Want you enough to end things and star anew. I hate it because he would be there, ready to give me everything I ask for and all I want is still you. It drives me crazy. Thinking about how much I want you. But when things get real, you recoil, back into your shell where no one is able to reach you and I am lost stranded. With no idea on who I am or who I could be with you and it’s frustrating and irritating and it makes me want to pull my hair out. Is it so bad that you want me?

All these mixed singles about wanting me but not being able to go that far, rip me open. When the bottle is empty and your head’s a mess, my name falls from you lips. And in this moment do you finally realise that you’re drunk enough to say I love you?

— drunk enough to say I love you?

“Do you know each other?”

I look at you. Your broad shoulders and soft beard. Those emerald greens and slight crooked nose, and the soft beard that never seems to fully grow. I look at your strong, big, rough hands that used to hold be close in stolen moments behind closed doors and those heavy, tensed arms that wrapped me up and didn’t let me go. But your smile doesn’t reach your eyes anymore and your forehead a wrinkled mess.

But then again, nothing’s the same anymore.

“No. We haven’t met yet”

And just like that we’re strangers again.

„For my heart is so full of love that you refuse to accept because it is not my place nor my time for being either on the receiving or on the giving end of love. So maybe it‘s better to hold or tongues and clasp our hands as we are to not touch with this intimacy again for we‘ve made a mistake that is a terrible curse to live with. Timing is never going to be right we should quit trying.“

— it‘s a race against time, we’re never going to win. | via @dontdatedisney |

I am not ready to let you go. But we haven‘t spoken for days and I think you deleted my number. Isn‘t it weird? How you start to share your whole life with someone, someone you want to tell everything to and then the next moment, they slip through your grasp like hot sand and it‘s nothing you can do, expect to accept the fact that you‘ve just became strangers again. I should probably let you go. Please don‘t make me.

I call you, just as you told me to when the dreams begin to become worse again. My head spins. It’s 3:12 am. It rings, once, twice till I hear breathing on the other side of the line. Your voice is sleepy, groggy because you just woke up. I feel bad, even worse when you tell me that your alarm is set for 7 am. I tell you to end the call but you say that I’ve woken you up already and it doesn‘t matter anymore. You have this disdain in your voice, annoyed that I even called, never getting enough sleep because I’m a difficult cause. My voice is quite and I tell you that I’m going to end the call, you say that you don‘t want me to feel bad but you don‘t realise that it‘s already too late. I continue to cry and tell you it‘s okay, that I’m alright and I’m sorry I even called. You tell me you love me. I hang up. You don‘t call me back and I know you‘ve fallen back asleep again. I lay awake staring at the ceiling, it‘s okay, because it‘s always been.

It‘s been two years and I still don’t belong anywhere.

„You‘re mine“ it‘s something you say so causally that I cannot believe that these words just left your mouth. Because I‘ve waited months for you to say something just somewhat familiar to that and now that you‘ve said it, I‘m not sure enough anymore that those are the words that I wanted. Because yes, I‘m yours. But for the past month all I wanted to do was tell you the three special words and it‘s all I think about whenever you lean down to kiss me. It‘s all I think about when you Motion for me to come closer and tell me to give you on last kiss. It‘s what I want to tell you when you bring me breakfast to bed and hug me real tight while I’m making dinner. It‘s what I’ve been waiting to hear your for the last month instead of you‘re mine. Because for me to become yours, you have to become mine too and if your heart‘s not one with your head then that won‘t happen.

– say you love me, just one time.

„Don’t you miss it? Don‘t you miss getting excited over the evening because your mom promised you that she‘ll read you the good night story you‘ve wanted so bad. Don‘t you miss getting angry at your parents for not letting you go out with your friends even though everybody was going. Or being happy about your favourite dinner or sad over the character you most identified yourself with dying. Don‘t you miss feeling anything? Because feeling this empty can‘t be beautiful. You can‘t not miss feeling anything. Everything is better than this. Everything should be better than this.“

– where did everything just go?

„I realised for myself that a lot of people let themselves down by having unrealistic expectations. They hold onto this beautiful thought of love or the neverending best friendship they had in middle school. They think that family should be everything and owing a house with a big garden and 2 dogs and a husband that brings breakfast to bed is the goal in life. But, as I‘ve noticed in the last years, you don‘t get a big, juicy creative life by having high expectations on everything. You get this through trail and error and helplessly failing sometimes. We should let go of unrealistic expectations, but continue to have dreams. Think big and dream big, but don‘t let it define you if anything fails. Life goes on, not everything is going to be pretty. Trust yourself with life.“

– lower your expectations, but keep your dreams big.

„Do you see what the problem with love is? You can like someone a lot or maybe even love them and sometimes that‘s still not enough. Sometimes you know in your heart that whatever hole there ever was is never going to be filled by them. Maybe you spend a lot of time with this person, come into routine with him and let it stay like this for most of the time. But someday, and I promise you that it‘s going to happen eventually, you‘ll meet someone that‘ll eyes will touch you more than some hands ever could. Don‘t feel conflicted. It‘s time to say goodbye and let life plan a new adventure with you. Sometimes there is a lot of love surrounding you, but it‘s not enough to cover the dark parts. It‘s not enough to go back home, to the man you‘ve been with for years, just because you like the familiarity you feel whenever you‘re with him and tell him you love him. Oh yes, someday along those years the lie won‘t even taste bitter anymore, but it‘ll be a lie nonetheless. Let go. There is nothing beautiful about holding onto a flame that has been put out long ago.“

— do you really want to regret this for the rest of your life?

„I constantly feel like I’m high. You don‘t know how long I’ve waited to feel this feeling again, but god, when you lean down and have this smirk on your face because you’re about to kiss me, I feel this rush. It‘s like I’m high. And maybe our first kiss was not this whole beautiful, good looking movie-kiss, but it was so much more. It’s this feeling that you get, right before you know something good is about to happen and as your lips meet mine, wet and still smiling, I can‘t help but smile too and try to match your pace. The warm skin of your back under my hands, as I press our bodies closer and open my eyes just a little, to realise that you’re already looking at me, is driving me crazy. Most people tell you, that you close your eyes while kissing, because the most beautiful things happen then, but let me tell you, that deep look in your eye is much more intimate than this simple touch of our lips.“

– some eyes touch you more than hands ever could.

„We should watch horror movies on Saturday”, your eyes sparkle, as you take another smoke of your cigarette and you have this really bright smile, where your teeth show and I feel like there is no chance for me to not fall in love with you. I laugh and nod, while swinging back and forth on my swing. There is a comfortable silence surrounding us in the crisp breeze of the night sky and I don’t think that there could be any place I would rather be right now. And there are words at the tip of my tongue and I wanna tell you that you’re special to me and that I like you, but I don’t wanna rush it and I know that it’s not love, it’s just affection and maybe it’s better if it stays like this for a while. So I just smile at you and tell you it’s time to go back home so that I don’t continue to lose myself in your eyes again.”

— maybe next time I’ll have enough courage.

“Fuck everybody for thinking I’m worth nothing and fuck everybody who thinks that I owe them anything. Fuck them for thinking that now, that they haven’t talked to me in forever, suddenly I’m good enough. Fuck you for only wanting me when you can’t have me. Maybe I wanted you back then, but I sure as hell don’t want you now. Because after you treated me like dirt, I know my worth.”

— I deserve so much more than you could ever give me.

„Cleanse your soul. Let go of everything that hurts and take a deep breath. I know it‘s hard. Things like this aren‘t meant to be easy. These situations that we find ourselves in are meant to be hard so that we‘re reminded that we chose the right path somewhere down the line. I‘m sorry. I‘m sorry that a lot of what is to come is going to hurt. It‘s going to rip at your chest, stealing your air to breath, shreddering your heart to pieces. So relish in the good moments. Appreciate every little good thing that meets you along the way and keep it as close to your heart as you can. And always love fully. Let yourself be loved by others, and love others. Be grateful for the life you have, because you never know when it‘s going to end.“

— you‘re not weak, just swallow all the dark parts inside of you.