what covid taught me.

You’re probably wondering... “What in the HELL?” but just listen before you judge what I’m about to say. Sure the negatives outweigh the positives during this COVID-19 pandemic, but there is a silver lining after all. COVID has taught me to appreciate the little things in life. In the future, I would love to live more of a minimalist life. If I ever had to buy something for any reason, I would definitely look into buying from a small business on Etsy first before I looked elsewhere. It really opened my eyes to what is most important. Family... pets... friends... therapy... fresh air, coffee... I could go on. I am thankful for COVID because it truly opened up my perspective on life. We aren’t here for a long time on this earth, so I made a promise to myself to live each day like it were my last. I think we all should do the same! :)

the mountains are calling...

As I sit here and contemplate what our lives might be like in less than 5 years from now, I can’t help but picture myself in a small log cabin in the middle of nowhere. Nowhere being in the forest somewhere in the Rocky Mountains of Colorado. I’m obsessed with looking at pictures of what I want our future to look like and the more I look... the more I discover what I desire.

I picture us in our mid thirties, early forties either buying or building our dream house. I want something cozy and cottage-like. Kind of like those cute and cozy cabins you see in a Hallmark movie; or if you have watched Virgin River on Netflix, some place similar to that. You will probably see me posting several pictures of what I picture in our future. Matthew and I are going to live our best life together! I cannot wait.

Colorado | benstraussphotography

The views :)

@katiershay on Instagram

daydreaming consistently 💭

Every day I catch myself daydreaming of Colorado. Especially today. We had our first snowfall here in Kentucky. It wasn’t cold enough to stick or anything but it was so beautiful. It reminded me of the snowcapped mountains of Colorado and I couldn’t help but to be mesmerized by the thought of the snowfall there as well. It is so much more beautiful. The fluffy, snowcapped mountains. The beautiful bright green trees sparkling with fresh snow. I can’t wait to experience everything -- but most importantly, nature & the weather.

Honestly Tumblr has been such a great place for me to explore more of the state and especially the nature & mountains surrounding it. There is also a girl I follow on TikTok, her username is lizzy.heerdt and I have been following her account for a while now. If you love nature and positivity, I highly recommend following her on there. There isn’t a day that goes by without me catching one of her videos in my feed on my TikTok page. She’s super sweet and loves nature like me; living in Colorado is also a plus! Right now she is in Montana which is also quite breathtaking.

Anyway... just thought I’d share what’s on my brain today.

Have a great Monday.

In the backwoods of nature's soul I left my wild true heart.

Angie Weiland-Crosby

Almost brings tears to my eyes how beautiful this place is... Colorado, I Love YOU!

(by evolving.sky)

I can’t wait to experience this kind of beauty in nature.

Colorado, USA by Prescott Horn

Stunning. Nature is beautiful.

Colorado | benstraussphotography

patience.

It's true what they say... patient is a virtue. A virtue that I most certainly do not have. I wish I did. Maybe that is something I can work on from here on out. I hope to achieve this virtue more than any other. It is the one I struggle with daily. I'm struggling more than usual because my husband, Matthew and I discussed Colorado again for the umpteenth time this past weekend. He was making it seem like it would be possible for us to move to Colorado as soon as next year. All he asked of me was to send the request to my employer to verify if it would be feasible for me to keep my current job if we do move there in the future. As it turns out, it is possible. However, the tides changed in the past 24 hours we have spoke to each other about it. Matthew told me that he tried thinking of every angle of our situation that would allow us to uproot and move right away, but there is no possible way for us to do it at this point and time. What really sucks is that it's all because of our credit card debt. We just applied for a consolidated loan to make a huge monthly payment on our cards instead of paying separately each month. We are looking at a $700 monthly payment on just credit card bills alone. Not to mention all of the other bills. The goal is to get rid of all of this debt before we move to Colorado. It is going to take at least 4 or 5 years to be debt free from our credit cards. In the meantime, we are going to put back around $150 a month into our savings account. We will need almost $10,000 to move across the country along with the down payment on our home in Colorado. We have to be able to put down 3% on the house at a minimum. While we could risk everything right now and GO, we have decided to play it smart. I would be lying if I said this wasn't heartbreaking news to my ears, my heart and my soul. I have been super down ever since he told me this morning that we couldn't move yet and we have to wait; be patient. My heart aches. I have been unhappy in Kentucky my whole life. Ever since I laid eyes on the Rocky Mountains. It has been my wish for over 20 years now. Yet here I am. I know I should be grateful for my life... and I am. I just feel unfulfilled here if that makes any sense. That's all for now...

home sweet home, colorado.

It all started when I was 10 years old. I remember this memory like it was yesterday. My mom, popa, meme and I traveled to Jackson Hole, Wyoming for a vacation together as a family. We went by plane. We rented a cottage up there for a week and a half. I think we stayed for about ten days total. The first thing I remember was how fresh the air was in Wyoming. Coming from the Ohio Valley in Louisville, Kentucky this was very different from what I was used to; obviously it took me by surprise. The next and most obvious shock to me was of course the view. I had never seen anything like it in my life. The crystal clear water. The mountains. Flowers. Animals. All of it was absolutely breathtaking!

Which brings me to Colorado. While I have never been to Colorado, I have been to the Rocky Mountains; Wyoming. I have seen it with my own eyes and I hear that Colorado is even more beautiful. Ever since I visited Wyoming, my heart stayed in the Rocky Mountains. I have never felt more at home. It just feels right. My husband and I have been pondering what our next move would be, location-wise. I had always told him how beautiful and wonderful Wyoming was and I have been, for years. So we started looking there online. Location, places, housing, property-taxes and all of the important stuff.

For years, we have been narrowing down our search between three different states. Wyoming, Montana & Colorado. Weighing all of the pros and cons of each one. Finally, we settled on Colorado. The most feasible city to live in within our means but still be close to a big city is most likely going to be Colorado Springs, Colorado. We are going to look at home between $200,000 and $300,000 homes. Somewhere between 1500-2000 sq ft homes. Right now we live in a 3-bed, 2-bath home that is around 1500 sq ft so we wouldn’t want to go any smaller than the home we’re in currently.

It has never been about the house for me in my reasoning for moving there. It has always been about location. I know in my heart that this is where I want to live for the rest of my life. We don’t have a timeframe of when we will be able to make it happen, but it is our goal to make it happen eventually. We’re mainly waiting to decrease some of our debt. Credit cards are eating us alive. If we can consolidate those payments into a loan and pay some of it off, we would be much more comfortable making the leap to Colorado.

I always have lived by the phrase, “You only live once.” and I truly believe in that. I don’t want to live with any regrets and I know in my heart, if I don’t make this happen and make our dreams come true, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. Nothing is impossible! I have faith it will happen. We both just have to be patient. Patience is very hard for me but I’m going to try to be a patient as I can be. I know it will be worth it in the end if I am. I hope I can look back on this post in the future and say, WE DID IT!

living in the shadows.

Good morning. Today is October 27th, 2020. It is quite early. As I sit here drinking my morning iced coffee, I found myself wondering what I will post first on my blog and then it hit me. My coming out story.

My whole life, I have basically been living a lie. A lie to myself. No one else really. I grew up in a pretty strict, conservative and religious household. My oh my how things have changed since then. I grew up in a Catholic household. My father is Catholic and so is my mom. My meme, however, was Baptist but she was still religious and loved God very much.

I was brought up in a certain faith, in a certain life. I grew up to be shaped into the person I was supposed to be, and the person I was made to be simply by the people I was surrounded by my whole life. It may have not been intentional but it certainly was a lifestyle they were accustomed to, so in my defense, I wasn’t aware of a life that was any different.

Thinking about who I am now, it is clearer to me more now than ever who I always was from a very young age. My first “girl crush” was Kate Winslet. I’m sure you can guess the movie I’ll be referring to; Titanic. Leonardo DiCaprio was also my crush. It was confusing to me at the time. I thought that I just thought she was pretty but thinking back on it, it was much more than that. Clearly I was crushing on both of them at the same time and didn’t realize it.

I could go much deeper into why I hid this part of myself for so long but honestly, I don’t want to bore you with it. I also don’t really want to dig up all of my past either. Bottom-line is, I have always been Bisexual. I’m finally comfortable saying that out loud now. I never thought this day would come if I’m being completely honest. I came out to my husband this past month on National Coming Out Day.

I was overwhelmed with relief when he was super supportive when I said the words, “I am bisexual.” Because honestly, it some instances, I’m sure not every husband or wife would have been as accepting of this news as he was, at least not initially. He obviously had a lot of questions like anyone would. Of course I answered them all without hesitation and honestly. We are closer now and more open than we ever have been with each other. I am so grateful to have such a wonderful husband and best friend.

The point of this short story is that if you’re waiting to “come out,” please don’t hesitate anymore. You have every right to feel the way you feel, regardless of religion, politics or any other outside social norms. Thank you for listening.

You matter. You are loved!