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basicallywhiterice · 4 months

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“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” - Elizabeth Appell

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basicallywhiterice · 8 months

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Winwin in the golden hour mv !! We wonwon

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basicallywhiterice · 11 months

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i’ve been a fool (kim doyoung)

strawberries and cigarettes always taste like him.

kim doyoung x reader. 809 words

fluff, angst?, flangst, college!au. inspired by troye sivan’s “strawberries and cigarettes”

tw: alcohol and cigarettes mention

Doyoung is an odd entity in your life.

He’s always on his phone in your Discrete Mathematics class, but kicks Johnny with a disapproving sigh when the latter falls asleep. He winces before downing a shot or a sip of black coffee, but smiles afterwards. He has no qualms taking you back to his apartment just often enough for you to want more, but never comes to yours. He gives you his nights but never shares his mornings.

He follows a structured way of life, it seems, one you’ll never decipher.

It should’ve been enough of a warning the first time you ran into the night with him. He was much better than the party you ditched, and he held your hand as he led you to a lot on the edges of campus. You followed into an abandoned hall and leaned on the windowsill in an empty classroom with him, observing the school grounds from afar.

“I come here when I get too stressed, sometimes,” he explains. “It’s peaceful.”

“I like it here,” you noted, and he’d turned and watched you like you were the nighttime view, a hazy glint in his eyes that only disappeared when he’d closed them to kiss you.

Keep reading

#happy one year to this wtf #I know I’ve been inactive but hopefully I get back into the writing groove this summer!!#have some big ideas just not sure if they’ll turn out good #stay tuned 🎵#👀👀

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basicallywhiterice · 1 year

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basicallywhiterice · 2 years

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i’ve been a fool (kim doyoung)

strawberries and cigarettes always taste like him.

kim doyoung x reader. 809 words

fluff, angst?, flangst, college!au. inspired by troye sivan’s “strawberries and cigarettes”

tw: alcohol and cigarettes mention

Doyoung is an odd entity in your life.

He’s always on his phone in your Discrete Mathematics class, but kicks Johnny with a disapproving sigh when the latter falls asleep. He winces before downing a shot or a sip of black coffee, but smiles afterwards. He has no qualms taking you back to his apartment just often enough for you to want more, but never comes to yours. He gives you his nights but never shares his mornings.

He follows a structured way of life, it seems, one you’ll never decipher.

It should’ve been enough of a warning the first time you ran into the night with him. He was much better than the party you ditched, and he held your hand as he led you to a lot on the edges of campus. You followed into an abandoned hall and leaned on the windowsill in an empty classroom with him, observing the school grounds from afar.

“I come here when I get too stressed, sometimes,” he explains. “It’s peaceful.”

“I like it here,” you noted, and he’d turned and watched you like you were the nighttime view, a hazy glint in his eyes that only disappeared when he’d closed them to kiss you.

He tasted like the strawberry candy you loved and the cigarettes you hated, and the next day he walked past your seat like you didn’t exist, greeting Johnny with a hum.

You must not have been discrete with your disappointment, because Johnny frowned and murmured for you to be careful when he left, but you didn’t listen. Not at first, at least. Hungers that can’t be fulfilled require time for you to get rid of them, and one of the only things you like about smoke rings is that they always dissipate, lingering but never satiating.

The other thing you like about them is that Doyoung makes them look pretty sometimes. That his lips purse gently when he blows one.

He is usually smoking on the rooftop when he invites you over, but he turns his full attention to you when you arrive. Perhaps that is what makes it so hard to listen to reason.

“You look amazing,” he usually greets.

“You say that every time,” you return. He is sleek enough to be polished, lopsided grin enticing enough to look reckless, and he is courteous enough to stub out his cigarette and exhale before he kisses you.

But this is no way to live. Johnny never says anything after the first time you got ignored, but you remember his gentle warning each subsequent time it happens.

Doyoung invites you over for dinner one night. You’ve lost track of how many months it’s been since you first snuck into that abandoned hall with him—has it been three months? Four? Logically, you should be ecstatic to be making progress, but it’s dulled by how you stay when you know there will not be more, that Doyoung is content with what you have and doesn’t miss your absence the way you want him to.

As a gift, you buy a pint of strawberries from the farmer’s market a few blocks away from campus, and offer them when he answers the door.

“It’s okay,” he says, inviting you inside. “I don’t like them very much—they’re too sour.”

You feel the internal shift over dinner.

Perhaps you have never seen his apartment this bright before, when it is still light outside. Perhaps the clinking of silverware is too quiet or the kettle is too loud. Perhaps Doyoung has come to the realization that you are waning away from him.

After dinner is over but before he kisses you, you finally find your voice to ask what matters.

“Doyoung. I want to be on the same page as you.” You pause, and brave forward when he doesn’t react. “Do you see us being something more than this?”

Hope has just begun to take root into his silence when he shakes his head.

“I don’t think so. I’m sorry.”

You share the strawberries with your roommate when you return home, and they’re the sweetest fruit you’ve ever tasted.

When the first snow falls, you pass your math class with an A, and when Johnny is in your Real Analysis class, you work on problem sets with him again. In the spring semester, you stop going to parties—the downtown bars are more your style anyways, you find, and when bad nights happen, they’re usually salvaged by a strawberry daiquiri. You see Doyoung in the quad or the library occasionally, and you wave and say nothing. Sometimes he says hi; sometimes he passes by unbothered. But you always wear your smile purposefully, for your time spent with him will only be wasted if you do not choose to change for the better.

Doyoung is an odd entity, and you’re done playing the fool.

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basicallywhiterice · 2 years

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mood ring (vernon choi)

Pairing: Vernon (Hansol) Choi x reader

Genre: Angst, fluff, highschool!au, swimmer!au, childhood best friends to lovers

Summary: Your relationship with Vernon has always been blue: cool, calm, and relaxing. When it changes colors, your world turns upside down. Good thing Vernon’s here to help you navigate through it all.

Alternatively titled: Your love story with Vernon, told through your friendships (or: in which you really love your friends)

Word count: 21k

Warnings: cussing

a/n: This fic is my baby. These characters are my babies. Ask me about them here, or check out the hashtag ‘extras:mr’ for more! Crossposted on ao3 here!

(7:53 pm) jules vern(e): i just made it home and im pretty sure sofias eaten half of the ice cream already jules vern(e): ur lucky ur an only child you: I still have a ton left over if you run out you: The perks of having lactose-intolerant parents lol

Your phone buzzes with another incoming text from Vernon, but you drop it and focus on calming your erratic heartbeat. In order to compose yourself, your hand subconsciously flies to the base of your neck, where your fingers close around the most important piece of jewelry in your life.

It’s a mood ring from the mall. Circular, with color indicators wrapping around a metal band, it looks a little childish compared to everything else you wear. After eleven years, its colors only range from light pink to red, but you don’t mind.

You don’t mind because Vernon gave it to you.

You met Vernon on the first day of first grade. Two weeks later, once you declared that you were best friends, he gave you the mood ring while kneeling. A little weirded out by the possibility of him proposing, you panicked and ran away, but he caught up to you and explained that he tripped over his shoelaces and landed on one knee. (Even as a kid, Vernon was very on-brand.) So of course you accepted. Though the mood ring was too big for your six-year-old fingers, you looped it through a cord and wore it that way ever since.

In middle school, you met Joshua, and in high school, Tzuyu, Minghao, and Junhui joined your close-knit friend group. All six of you bonded over joining the swim team together in freshman year. Tzuyu was a welcome addition, and Minghao instantly clicked with you, while Junhui took a little longer to warm up to the trio consisting of you, Vernon, and Joshua.

And Vernon… Vernon is something else entirely.

Keep reading

#this hit 300 and also just reached 900 hits on ao3 !!!!!!!!!!#thank you guys so so so much asdkjfhkdjh

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basicallywhiterice · 2 years

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TWENTY-FIVE TWENTY-ONE 2022, dir. Jung Ji Hyun

#this scene was so good at meaning more than it said #I wanna write scenes that have this big of an impact #twenty five twenty one

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basicallywhiterice · 2 years

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b-side masterlist

◼ a b-side to declutter my main masterlist! ◼ ao3: @ basicallywhiterice

Han Jisung

► Eight words ♫ 8:50 k | fluff. enemies to lovers, low-key friends to lovers, college!au

Sure, one could tell someone they loved them with eight letters. But eight words convey deeper, more complex meanings.

► lunar ♫ 0:19 k | fluff. established relationship

Felix Lee

► it’s you, shawty ♫ 0:38 k | fluff. highschool!au, coffee shop/cafe!au

Seo Changbin

► Night sky ♫ 5:20 k | fluff. friends to lovers, college!au

Changbin’s eyes hold the night skies.

Xu Minghao

► moonlight ♫ 2:00 k | fluff, one scene with angst. college!au, graduation!au, established relationship, moving in together

Your relationship with Minghao, told through phone calls.

Yoon Jeonghan

► sunny ♫ 1:70 k | angst. breakup!au, slice of life

It’s sunny and you’re not here.

Drabble game

DK + bookstore + “Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck this shit. Fuck.”

Changbin + roommates + “How is everything you do so cute?”

Minghao + college + “Before you decide to murder me, let me explain”

Jisung + enemies + “I need you to pretend we’re dating”

drabble game 2 (milestone)

hyunjin + established relationship + “Can I hold your hand?”

wonpil + highschool!au + “Stop running from this. I know I’m not the only one who feels it.”

Felix + college!au + “I’ll wait.”

#masterlist #basicallywhiterice #kpop #stray kids

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basicallywhiterice · 2 years

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All Too Well (23 Minute Version) — Collab Call

An album, 23 boys, and 23 stories to tell.

Introducing the All Too Well (23 Minute Version), a collab call hosted by @/neo-shitty (Me) and co-hosted by @lebrookestore (Brooke).

ABOUT.

The theme, simply put, is Taylor’s album, Red (Taylor’s Version). The songs in the album were written at a very pivotal point in Taylor’s life. It’s a bittersweet mix of tracks that sum up the young adult experience; falling in love in a cafe, feeling paralyzed by time as you struggle to pick up the broken pieces of your heart, and ditching responsibilities to make the most out of being 22.

In this collab, you’re required to pick a song from the tracklist we listed below, pair it with a NCT member of your choice and write a fic inspired by the song!

Sounds interesting? Click below for further details.

Keep reading

#collabs

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basicallywhiterice · 2 years

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after the round (epilogue) (mark lee)

If you’re not his first and he’s not your last, then he’ll be your worst and you’ll be his best.

pairing: mark lee x reader

genre: fluff. college!au, exes to lovers!au, debate!au

summary: Stealing kisses, sweeping debate competitions, sharing dreams—for the first time—with someone who understands: being with Mark is being alive, basking in his radiance when you know you can’t linger. But how do you say goodbye when you haven’t left yet? In the end, you’ll never be kids again—and yet the path ahead is so uncertain. Can’t you stay with him for a little longer?

word count: 819

warnings: none

a/n: this is a standalone fic, but it’s part 6/6 of the growing pains series. this concludes the series! thank you for reading and allowing me to share this story with you.

1 year later

You first regret your decision to ride the bus approximately two minutes into the trip.

“To the right—no, my right, idiot—UP! UP!”

“Chenle,” you sigh, poking your head into the aisle. “You’re screaming into my ear.”

Keep reading

#asdhfkjadhsgljadhgj feelings #i feel like this could've been written more thoroughly but i like the subtext everything holds #srb #q

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basicallywhiterice · 2 years

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after the round (epilogue) (mark lee)

If you’re not his first and he’s not your last, then he’ll be your worst and you’ll be his best.

pairing: mark lee x reader

genre: fluff. college!au, exes to lovers!au, debate!au

summary: Stealing kisses, sweeping debate competitions, sharing dreams—for the first time—with someone who understands: being with Mark is being alive, basking in his radiance when you know you can’t linger. But how do you say goodbye when you haven’t left yet? In the end, you’ll never be kids again—and yet the path ahead is so uncertain. Can’t you stay with him for a little longer?

word count: 819

warnings: none

a/n: this is a standalone fic, but it’s part 6/6 of the growing pains series. this concludes the series! thank you for reading and allowing me to share this story with you.

1 year later

You first regret your decision to ride the bus approximately two minutes into the trip.

“To the right—no, my right, idiot—UP! UP!”

“Chenle,” you sigh, poking your head into the aisle. “You’re screaming into my ear.”

Keep reading

#so this is it y'all #this looks very different from its original vision but the ending is still the same and it's just #*vague hand gestures* life y'know #thank you so so so much for reading this i truly appreciate it #srb #q

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basicallywhiterice · 2 years

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after the round (epilogue) (mark lee)

If you’re not his first and he’s not your last, then he’ll be your worst and you’ll be his best.

pairing: mark lee x reader

genre: fluff. college!au, exes to lovers!au, debate!au

summary: Stealing kisses, sweeping debate competitions, sharing dreams—for the first time—with someone who understands: being with Mark is being alive, basking in his radiance when you know you can’t linger. But how do you say goodbye when you haven’t left yet? In the end, you’ll never be kids again—and yet the path ahead is so uncertain. Can’t you stay with him for a little longer?

word count: 819

warnings: none

a/n: this is a standalone fic, but it’s part 6/6 of the growing pains series. alternatively titled: in which i mean more than i say but maybe i don’t say enough. but i like how it turned out, and this concludes the series! thank you for reading and allowing me to share this story with you.

1 year later

You first regret your decision to ride the bus approximately two minutes into the trip.

“To the right—no, my right, idiot—UP! UP!”

“Chenle,” you sigh, poking your head into the aisle. “You’re screaming into my ear.”

“Sorry,” he replies at a much more reasonable volume before returning to his video game with Jisung, and you settle into your seat. A long day of judging this year’s state championship awaits you, the time in between rounds spent catching up with your old teammates and offering support. You see a few old faces from other schools—Ryujin, home for summer break, and Yedam, wrapping up his gap year—and many more new ones. Jaemin arrives around nine a.m. on the second day, and you have enough time to catch up and judge the same PF round before you see Mark.

From a distance, he almost passes as a stranger, but the curve of his smile is still unfailing familiar, and you see it grow as he walks over.

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

Jaemin leaves in the middle of your conversation about college life and majors, but the mood doesn’t sour or turn awkward. You and Mark are just two people, and you think that in this instance, it’s more powerful than being two ex-lovers.

“Yeah, I’ve been enjoying learning more about some parts of business too, actually,” he says after you describe how your Business Law professor piqued your interest. “I was wrong to butt heads with my parents so quickly. I’m really interested in—”

“Mergers and acquisitions?” You can’t help yourself.

“No, business ethics. I’m thinking of switching to an anthro minor to make philosophy one of my double majors instead.”

“Huh.” You must sound evidently impressed, for Mark smirks a little, but it’s devoid of smugness. “That’s really cool. You could be a good astronaut, y’know. You have the brains and the morals.”

“I’ll be sure to remember those qualities when NASA comes calling,” he grins.

You smile at him for a moment too long. “Will you stay for awards?”

“I could potentially, yeah. Will you?”

“Probably not. I was thinking of heading back.”

“Oh. Do you need a ride? Are you in a hurry to get home? I can drive you back.”

He looks nervous in his confidence—wide eyes, squared shoulders, and hands stuffed in his pockets. He looks different, but lovely all the same.

And the weight of everything that went wrong hinges upon your answer—but you’re okay now. If you say yes to his offer, it will not be because you are still in love with him, or because you want to love him again, because neither explanation is true. You’re strong. You’re different. He’s changed. You’ll be fine if you get heartbroken a second time, and you’ll be okay if you choose to walk away.

“That’d be nice, Mark.”

The conversation to his car is light. You discuss summer plans, how your internship is starting in a week, and what he looks forward to the most about his job at a nearby museum.

“You said you’ll be here the entire summer?” he asks as he pulls out of the parking lot.

“Yeah,” you reply. “After the internship ends, I’m staying at home for two weeks before school starts.”

“That’s cool. I’ll be in-state until the week before school.”

You nod, lapsing into silence and unsure if you’re accurately deciphering his intentions, until he hesitantly speaks up again, carefully enunciating each syllable. “I… missed you, and I think that I’m a better person than I was last year.”

You observe his face carefully. His face is free of the harsh tension it carried in high school, replaced with something less youthful but more peaceful. College looks good on him, like it’s given him a life more fulfilling than he ever imagined in his dreams, like his life on the other side of the country is completely different from yours but has taught him the same lessons that you’ve learned.

Mark doesn’t rush you, just drives while you sit and reflect and choose the best words to respond with.

“Slow down,” you finally decide. “Take me out to dinner first, and then we can see.”

“How about getting dinner now, once we get back in town? If you don’t need to be somewhere, that is.”

You like that he’s direct this time around, that he’s clear with his intentions and doesn’t let you hide. “I’d like that.”

He smiles broadly. “Hey, what happened to being in a hurry to get home?”

“What happened to staying for awards?” you fire back.

“Touché.”

“So,” you clarify. You’re not nervous, just excited, because what is there to be scared about? “Dinner—just dinner. If that’s where it ends, then that’s it. And if not, we… see how it goes, I guess.”

“It’s a deal,” he agrees, and the way he says it makes it sound like it could be a beginning.

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basicallywhiterice · 2 years

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the closing remarks

If you’re not his first and he’s not your last, then he’ll be your worst and you’ll be his best.

pairing: mark lee x reader

genre: fluff, angst, flangst. highschool!au, rich kid!au, debate!au, breakup!au

word count: 777

warnings: none

a/n: this is a standalone fic, but it’s part 5/6 of the growing pains series—kind of the end, since the last part is the epilogue :’)

You don’t spend the summer with Mark again—will not allow yourself to—but you find he comes to occupy bits of your time.

After graduation, there are state championships, which you win with him as a final high school hurrah. Then comes national competitions where you break into the top 16 teams, helping the underclassmen prepare for debate cases next year, and passing down team captain positions to Chenle and Jisung. But you also catch glimpses of him while waiting in line at the grocery store. On Thursdays and Saturdays, the only days when everyone is free, you slide into his house or Jaemin’s car with your friends, living it up for the last summer before you go your separate ways. In July, you’re both counselors at the same middle school camp, and it’s nice to have a friend while you corral groups of rambunctious teenagers into doing the day’s activities.

Keep reading

#this kind of hurt to write not only bc it's the conclusion to the part set in high school but also bc of emotions u feel #but it brought me great peace and i appreciate that v much #half of this is pretentious af but i like it #srb #q

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basicallywhiterice · 2 years

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the closing remarks (mark lee)

If you’re not his first and he’s not your last, then he’ll be your worst and you’ll be his best.

pairing: mark lee x reader

genre: fluff, angst, flangst. highschool!au, rich kid!au, debate!au, breakup!au

word count: 777

warnings: none

a/n: this is a standalone fic, but it’s part 5/6 of the growing pains series—kind of the end, since the last part is the epilogue :’)

You don’t spend the summer with Mark again—will not allow yourself to—but you find he comes to occupy bits of your time.

After graduation, there are state championships, which you win with him as a final high school hurrah. Then comes national competitions where you break into the top 16 teams, helping the underclassmen prepare for debate cases next year, and passing down team captain positions to Chenle and Jisung. But you also catch glimpses of him while waiting in line at the grocery store. On Thursdays and Saturdays, the only days when everyone is free, you slide into his house or Jaemin’s car with your friends, living it up for the last summer before you go your separate ways. In July, you’re both counselors at the same middle school camp, and it’s nice to have a friend while you corral groups of rambunctious teenagers into doing the day’s activities.

They say summertime makes a person fall in love, and it’s true—but this time around, even when Mark is around, you fall in love with yourself, not him. Sometimes, when the sunlight dances across his face and highlights the liveliness of his eyes, you catch yourself longing for who he was to the person you used to be. But now, you look at your memories without the rose-tinted glasses, and you feel a bit sorry for your former self. The only way Mark could have completed you is if you weren’t enough, and in the process of losing a lover, you have gained yourself.

You still have a lot of big emotions, but they’re smoother around the edges now, less volatile and more of a steady presence you’ve learned how to carry. Such is the price of growing older—such is the loss of childhood innocence and the shouldering of adult choices and responsibilities. Your emotions are still jumbled around in your chest, but you’re not sure where the liberation starts and ends, where it dips into nostalgia and longing before crossing into hope for the future. You are reborn now, gathering the parts of you that aren’t tied to Mark and reclaiming the ones that he touched.

You still have a lot of big emotions, and Mark is still understanding of them. You don’t discuss it—don’t know if you could verbalize them even if you tried—but there’s no need, for he’s quietly understanding and lets you dispel the lingering tension between you once you no longer care for it. But he’s not the only person who understands, not when your friends are undergoing similar growing pains. He’s not the person who understands best, not when that person is you.

So you are more than content to be with Mark when the universe so decides, sharing a unique sense of peace that only you two have emerged from, stronger. You are happy to see him grow, to hear occasional updates on how he’s mending his relationship with his parents, and watch the spark in his eyes grow when he explains astrophysics to middle schoolers in between activities. In the end, you were never meant to last by crashing together. Love is gentle and caring and second nature, and now, he cannot give you the type of love that you deserve, not when you are better off growing apart.

“Do you think we would’ve worked out?” you almost catch yourself asking on the second to last day of camp. It’s dark, minutes before midnight, save for the flickering campfire in front of you.

“Not like this,” you imagine him replying. It’s an answer you’ve made peace with a long time ago, back when you were still in love. “We ran our course. We were unhappy. I couldn’t do something that was bad for us.”

“I’m glad we met,” you say instead, breaking the comfortable silence that’s settled between the two of you. “I grew a lot, and I like who I am. Thank you for coming into my life.”

“I am too,” he replies, his voice full of memories but free of longing. “I’ll always be grateful for how you’ve helped me. Don’t… be a stranger once school starts, yeah?”

“Yeah.” You tried your best, and you trust that Mark did, too. “I won’t.”

So this is how love ends: like the sweet taste of a popsicle melting from your tongue, like bidding farewell to an old friend at the airport, like unpacking your suitcase in your new dorm room, like moving on—and being happy to your core that you did. It’s not really an ending, or a loss. It can’t be, not when you’ve gained so much. In the end, you allow yourself to embrace the new beginning.

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basicallywhiterice · 2 years

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the crossfire (mark lee)

If you’re not his first and he’s not your last, then he’ll be your worst and you’ll be his best.

pairing: mark lee x reader

genre: fluff, angst, flangst. highschool!au, rich kid!au, debate!au, breakup!au

word count: 654

warnings: cursing, unhealthy relationships

a/n: this is a standalone fic, but it’s part 4/6 of the growing pains series

debate terminology: LD = Lincoln-Douglas debate (one-on-one). PF = Public Forum debate (two-on-two, aka partner debate)

“I didn’t think you were actually going to come.”

“Me neither.” You avoid Jaemin’s gaze, feeling a little chastised. Around your table, sounds of furious typing and boisterous laughter meld together, diverting your focus every time you try to edit your debate case.

“I thought you said your LD case was, quote-unquote, ‘terrible and should’ve never seen the light of day’?”

“Ah, did I say that?” You grin sheepishly, a rather inappropriate reaction for the way Jaemin sounds more disappointed than your coach did when you and Mark informed her that you’d broken up, no longer interested in teaming up for PF. “That seems a little optimistic, now that it’s exponentially worse and unfixable.”

To be honest, you’re really not sure why you came to this debate tournament, why you’re preparing last-minute for a topic you don’t care about in an uncomfortable plastic cafeteria chair. No, that’s a lie—it’s because Mark is here, doing LD instead of PF with you. Perhaps you’re more confused as to what you thought this was going to accomplish. You’ve talked a handful of times since the breakup—folded and texted him two separate times, responding to his messages once—but it’s been a week since the last time you contacted him.

“Stop with the deflecting quips,” Jaemin sighs, one hand pinching the bridge of his nose. “Look, you’ve got to be honest with yourself, sooner or later.”

Caught, you fumble your words before you decide on the right ones. “I—I want to talk to him for closure. To ask for confirmation that it was real, that… I’m not the only person that’s hurting, so I can move on.”

“Then tell him.”

“No,” you retort, falling back into the same argument you’ve had for the past week, the reason why he’s so fed up with your decisions. “What the fuck do you think this is, a k-drama?”

He glares, and belatedly, you realize how bad of an idea this was.

“So why’d you come here, then?”

You can’t answer, shame constricting your throat.

“Hey.” Jaemin’s voice is gentle this time, and when you look up from the edge of your computer, his eyes lack the judgment that was there before. “Why are you here? Do you know why?”

“Yeah.” The background chatter still muddles your senses, but in your clarity, it doesn’t pierce through your thoughts anymore. “Unfortunately. I probably shouldn’t have come.”

“It’s okay.” He reaches across the table to pat your shoulder. “You’re here now. Might as well debate. Maybe you could even advance to finals.”

“Nah, this isn’t my element. Plus, I wasn’t exaggerating when I said my case sucked ass. God, it’s horrendous.” You slam your laptop shut in a burst of emotion and turn to Jaemin, eyes wide and determined. “You know what I think? I want us to have been so good that it hurts every time he remembers how we’re no longer. He’s my only reference point for a relationship, but I want to be the happiest, healthiest one that he looks back on.”

“I think you’re still trying to hold on,” Jaemin notes quietly, accurately. He stands, scooting around the table so you can rest your head on his shoulder. “And maybe this isn’t the best mindset to be in right before the tournament starts.”

“Yeah. Maybe not.” You close your eyes, taking deep breaths to collect your swirling thoughts into a single place between your palms, letting the ache flow through your body and out of your chest.

When you feel like yourself again, you open your eyes and sit up just as Mark walks over.

“Hey,” he greets hesitantly, briefly nodding at Jaemin. “Turns out, coach switched us over to PF. Are you down? I can, y’know, tell her to drop us if you’re not. No worries.”

And you might have loved his smile once, but nothing is that simple anymore.

“With no prep? Shit, let’s see where we end up.”

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basicallywhiterice · 2 years

Text

the negative (mark lee)

If you’re not his first and he’s not your last, then he’ll be your worst and you’ll be his best.

pairing: mark lee x reader

genre: fluff, angst, flangst. highschool!au, rich kid!au, debate!au, breakup!au

word count: 487

warnings: unhealthy relationships

a/n: this is a standalone fic, but it’s part 3/6 of the growing pains series

debate terminology: LD = Lincoln-Douglas debate (one-on-one)

In the end, it doesn’t really matter, because you run back to him the first chance you get.

“Hey,” Mark greets over the phone, two days after the breakup.

“Hey.”

You wait for his reason for calling as he inhales sharply.

“I heard you got accepted. Congrats. I know staying in-state was important to you.”

“Yeah. Thanks,” you mumble, swallowing your pride. “It is. Pretty… noteworthy, I mean.”

“Yeah. I, uh, got rejected today.”

You nod, briefly closing your eyes. “Congrats,” you whisper. You imagine it’s liberating to be free from his parents’ expectations, to escape their vision of a future at Wharton and be able to apply wherever he wants.

“Thanks. My parents took it worse than I thought they would.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.”

“Can you come over?”

You glance away from your pitifully short LD case—taunting you with tangible reminders of the breakup’s fallout—straight into the eyes of the man who left. It’s a stupid decision on both ends, but when were love and its aftermath rational? For in the end, you will lose him, so maybe you need to see him now before he forgets you.

When you slip through the front door, a quarter past seven, his housekeeper has already left for the day. It’s just the two of you. You stare at him for an eternity, his lips parted but unmoving. When he speaks, it’s slow at first—halting in the middle of his sentences—before the hurt rushes out in bursts.

He finally cracked and told his parents he refused to pursue business, it turns out, and they berated him over the course of a 45-minute long FaceTime call. You join him in his weathered state—the suffocation from staying in-state is unbearable when bottled up, torn between staying rooted to your family but yearning to experience more. For an hour and a half, you laugh and cry and introspect together, almost painfully reminiscent of not-so-old times.

There’s an element of familiarity to being with him, an element of the encounter almost feeling good—but nothing is the same anymore. The connection is there, bruised yet present, but it will fade in due time if only you’d allow it to.

“Mark.” Your time with him is drawing to a close. Today won’t be the last time, but you cannot pretend to be fine, cannot let this end on the path of least resistance.

“Yeah?”

“We can’t keep doing this.”

You are weak for him, but in the end, you cannot crumble for much longer without losing pieces of yourself. It’s so incredibly hard. There is a profound loss of someone who you once thought was your other half. And now his eyes dim when he sees you; and now your face falls when you are reminded of your split.

In the end, he says “I understand,” calmly, quietly, after your revelation has passed for the millionth time but your conviction remains. “Thank you for helping.”

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basicallywhiterice · 2 years

Text

the affirmative (mark lee)

If you’re not his first and he’s not your last, then he’ll be your worst and you’ll be his best.

pairing: mark lee x reader

genre: fluff, angst, flangst. highschool!au, rich kid!au, debate!au, breakup!au

word count: 486

warnings: cursing, unhealthy relationships

a/n: this is a standalone fic, but it’s part 2/6 of the growing pains series

It starts as a nighttime hangout at Mark’s house, a small gathering to split your time between debate prep, studying for a biology test, and general fun. It ends with a disagreement on the affirmative case’s third contention’s reasoning, with raising your voices as you move from the living room to the hallway to the garage, with arguing outside—out of earshot—so your friends don’t hear all the problems bubbling to the surface.

It ends when Mark deals a lower blow than he’s ever dealt before—accusing you of lacking motivation, of keeping the two of you from advancing at an earlier, irrelevant tournament. But this time, he doesn’t apologize for the outburst, just lets you fester in the silence until he sighs and stops delaying the inevitable.

“I think we should break up.”

“We should.”

You both pause, unsure of what else to say. In the moment that follows, you crumble, and Mark cannot put the pieces back together.

“I don’t want to, Mark. I—I love you, god damn it.”

“I know. I love you too.”

“We were supposed to be—it was going to be us: partners in debate and college and—and analyzing obscure historical events, in… in the future.” You take a gulp of air. “This was it. You promised.”

“I know I did,” he swallows, the edges of his voice brittle. “I’m sorry.”

But, he doesn’t say, but you hear nonetheless. But, that’s no longer enough.

You know what you need to do, yet you cannot help but beg for one last chance.

“Please,” you whisper, unsure if you’re pleading to him or yourself. You think you might never forgive yourself if you walk away now, and you think you might hate yourself for begging for love. “Please don’t.”

He looks at you, pained, and your resolve nearly wavers. Your grip on his hand is firm, almost desperate. His wide, earnest eyes shine, faintly reflecting the lights of the house. If you listen closely, straining your ears to hear beyond the soft rustling breeze, you can almost hear your hearts breaking.

But then you glance back into his house, the fresh wound of the embarrassment inside the final push to step back. Your hand releases his as you slip away.

“You really fucking hurt me, you know.”

He stays silent.

“You’re smart enough to know that.”

The cool midnight air whirls around your body, accompanying you step by step down the driveway, but the chill in your bones comes from something else entirely.

When you reach the end of the lane, you take one final glance back. Mark still stands in the same spot. Time slows as you stare at each other in silence, as still as the ceramic busts adorning his house’s hallway.

Then you pivot and walk onto the road, and your heart shatters like a porcelain vase hitting the floor.

So this is how it ends: with a bang, and a fizzle.

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