Insignificance to infinity

(Before you read this please put the song “Bibio - Autumn struck” on)

We all have that feeling like we’re meant for something greater, that we’re meant for so much more but we never know what it is. So we walk around and do things just for the sake of doing them without any direction, in hope that one day we will find a direction. But maybe that’s it, the journey in finding this “purpose” is what we’re really searching for in the end, we just never knew it..maybe it’s always been about the journey, never the destination. The journey is what gives us purpose, the journey is how we really live. Maybe we don’t accomplish world peace or something world changing but in your journey you would have changed people, touched them and maybe even made them into better people and i would say if u can change or touch someone’s life for the better than that is the greatest achievement of them all. Life is so short and precious and to make even one small bit of it for someone just that bit better, will go on with them forever..so in a way you did change the world, one small bit at a time. And this will be passed on and on and hopefully more good will be added to it, you started a revolution..wouldn’t you say that’s pretty amazing, a revolution from one small act. So if you ever feel like you’re small and insignificant just know that one thing you do can be passed on and remembered forever..which makes you infinite. Just like the stardust you were created from, it lives on, never fades or disappears..just changes and manifests in different ways. You never really disappear, you never could, everyone leaves a mark in the universe, some bigger than others but they’re always there. Creating ripples through space and time, changing our ever infinite future into something great, you just can’t see it yet, but someone else will. Someone else will look back and remember you when they look up into the stars, they’ll feel the ripple you created from the pebble that is your life and wonder if they could ever do the same like you’re wondering now.      

#Message 20 // Friends

Hello..is anyone listening?

We all need them. We need them to make the world a bit brighter and so we don’t feel completely and utterly alone. Friends are the people you tell everything to, the ones you create memories with and sometimes.. the ones you fall in love with. They aren’t always so nice though, as I bet some people will tell you..some let you be consumed by the loneliness. It’s truly an awful feeling being alone when all you need is someone..but there is no one there..no one is ever there. We’re all just desperately searching for someone to fill that void..we spend our whole lives revolving around filling that empty space..maybe that’s why we have shadows..it’s our empty void that follows us around just waiting to be filled but never really can. Sometimes I wish I didn’t need anyone, so i don’t have to rely on anyone..but the truth is I would be so lost..heck, I wouldn’t be anything at all. It’s sad though, all these people in the world to talk to and yet there’s so many feeling so alone. We must be doing something wrong if loneliness exists. Maybe we’re just wrong..about everything.

I wish someone would take the loneliness away.     

"My name's blurry face and i care what you think"

#Message 19 // Uninspired

Hello..is anyone listening?

Not gonna lie i’m feeling really uninspired and numb right now...it’s horrible because I want to do something but I don’t too and just nothing sounds right, ya know? It’s really annoying thinking about way too much but also not being able to think about anything at the same time.. life is just one big contradiction! I want to live but I want to die, I feel too much but I also feel nothing, I feel really motivated but i don’t, I know what i want to do but i don’t and i’m sad but i’m happy...like what is this..how is anyone meant to make sense of anything? So yeah, you could say i’m pretty confused right now! To be honest, there is always a contradiction for everything..it’s like ying and yang..one is the good in life and the other is the bad and they both balance each other out. Is this what it is then..a balance..a way to make sure we experience a bit of both? If it is, then why am I constantly faced with the bad..i mean, is that really fair or did I do something wrong to deserve it all? I hope not because that would mean my life would be constantly miserable and no one wants to live a miserable life!

I’m still in search of my meaning, have you found yours?  

#Message 18 // Life

Hello..is anyone listening?

Everyone knows that life is a precious thing and it is easier to lose more now than ever..some would even say life is a beautiful blessing and we’re lucky to be given the chance to experience it. Of course I’m lucky and thankful to be given life but sometimes I don’t feel so thrilled with it...sometimes I feel it may be a punishment, or that I don’t deserve this beautiful gift.. also i think that i’m wasting it all. To be honest I think we all feel a bit lost...we’re all just stuck in the same routines and do the same thing over on the daily..that’s why we all love holidays so much. We feel free and alive because we’re not tied to anything and we can do what we want. But shouldn’t our whole life feel like that?! A never ending adventure, or a permanent road trip to see all the beauty that life has to offer..then why don’t we? If your job or your purpose doesn’t make you happy or makes you feel fucking alive, what are you even doing it for? I bet you’re thinking of a hundred reasons why you can’t right now..but why..why make excuses for something you know will make you feel like you’re living? Fear probably plays a part..I mean you’re giving up a lot and completely leaving your comfort zone. Won’t being completely free and actually living, rather than being a robot everyday be enough though? I don’t want to live like i’m trapped...freedom runs through my veins and right now I feel like i’m not alive. The thing is, do I give up what I love and feel completely alive or do I stay and be another pawn in the world? I know what I want to do..the question is will I go through with it? I have to be honest and say that music makes me feel alive too.. cause when you have the perfect song and a beautiful moment.. I am truly fucking alive! I don’t care about anything else apart from these two things...I guess you could say i’m living in the moment for once! It’s very rare to find anyone living in the moment nowadays..we’re always planning our days and constantly overthinking our past. It’s not like we can change that though..i mean our heads are bored so all they have is the past and the future to use! Yeah I know, our brains get bored..weird right! But how are they meant to get excited when they do the same thing over and over again..heck, how are we even meant to get excited by that!?

Let’s do something that we might regret and risk living life in the moment old friend.       

#Message 17 // pyrrhic victory

Hello...is anyone listening?

We all have hopes and dreams that we’re doIng everything to achieve, but are they really worth it when you lose so much in the process..is that really what winning is? We have to sacrifice everything for what we want? Is it really worth losing everything just for one thing...does that one thing give you purpose in your life and the rest means nothing..I thought it was all the little things that create the bigger picture. To be honest I’d rather have the little things and the little victories in life, because in the end, they all add up into something great! I mean, I’d love to achieve my big goals and dreaMs but i’d be giving up so much and losing out on so much that when I achieve it, it won’t really be worth it...it’s kind of pointless I guess. My dream won’t change anything or make a difference to anything, so I mean what’s the point? Yeah it has meaning to me and it gives me a purpose that we’re all so desperate to finD, but when I achieve it..then what..that’s the battle over but it hasn’t changed anYthIng, so I meaN what am I doinG it all for? Now you might be thinking, “then thAt isn’t your real purpose,” but nothinG has ever appeAled to me..none of the things I wIsh to do has any meaniNg and all the things i want are just fillers...they’re nothing special or great or change anything, so I guess i’m just not meant to mean anything in this world. That’s sad...realising you don’t mean anything..you’re existence is just there for the sake of it and you’re just never meant to do anything life changing. Well, that means that my disappearance won’t mean anything then..I mean, how can my absence mean anything if my presence means nothing?

Does your purpose really have a purpose, or is it there just for the sake of it being there?      

#Message 16 // Tired

Hello...is anyone listening?

It’s getTing bad again old friend...I’m being pulled deeper and deeper by tHE demons and I don’T really know if i want to keep holding on to be honest. My ancHOr is faltering...i was hoping that woUldn’t happen but I guess it was inevitable in the end. Oh my god it feels like i’m sinkinG and drowning and I just want to scream my lungs out to someone..I just need someone to notice how far i’m being pulled down and for someone..anyone to rescue me! It’s getting so dark again and I don’t know wHere the lighT iS anymore...I just need it all to stop..I just need everything to stop! I’m so tired...not just physicAlly but emotionally too...I’ve got nothing left and no matteR how much I slEep it stayS the same...it’s exhausting being exhausted all the time. You knOw, the sad thing is that no one can help me...there’s really nothing but to “live with it”. Maybe I don’t though...maybe I don’t want to live like this..but no one will let me die because they don’t see this as an illness. It’s just, “oh it will get better, you’ve got so much to be happy for and what about all the people that love you?” You really don’t get how gone i am...i’m alreaDy deAd inside...I’ve just been eaten alive fRom the inside and you never noticed..how could you though, it was always silent! So please just give me this...please just let me die..i don’t care what “great” I have ahead of me because this pain just isn’t worth sticKing around for. I’m tired of the pain and i’m tired of constantly feeling this way and most of all..i’m tired of constantly being haunted by the demons that keep torturing me over and over again. Please just let me escape because i’m about to turn into one and go insane!

Tiredness kills, but i’m on the road where you can’t stop to rest..and we all know that won’t last for many more days.        

#Message 15 // Education

Hello..is anyone listening?

Everyone knows what the school system Is causing and what such high expectations are doing to kids nowadays...it’s fucking them up in every single way. Why do we keep letting it go on though..i mean all we have to do is change it and there’s about a million problems solved at once...but everyone would say “it’s not that simple” which is bull, because actually it is, but please by all means keep making excuses and killing kids! Truth hurts doesn’t it! Reality is, the system is killing kids everyday and I can tell you from experience that we’re pretty much trapping them into little cages with all the expectations and can you blame them for finding a way out!? They’re kids, not robots and can you honestly say that someone can perform well and keep performing when they’re being crushed by ridiculous amounts of pressure? I mean, are we really telling them that they don’t know what stress is at their age..they know better than anyone because they have it way worse than most.. and now kids believe that it’s going to get even worse! The truth is, I was more stressed in school than i am at work because everyone was saying that if I don’t get good grades, I wouldn’t have a good life! That’s not true..even if you don’t do as well, it doesn’t mean that your life is over...there is always a path and a plan so don’t worry about all the people telling you there is only one path and you have to do this and that because you really don’t. This is your life and fuck what everyone else thinks and says because they’re on a different path to yours..so do what you need to and you don’t need to carry that pressure around cause you don’t need that shit eating you up on the daily! So you don’t need to worry kid because it’ll all work out in the end and i’m always here as proof that the system is shot to hell.. I didn’t stay in school and i didn’t get good grades either but i’m still living good and i’m still making my way in the world!

There’s always a way old friend, so you don’t need to stress if the path you thought wasn’t the right one because there’s always another going in the same direction.           

The people you wish would stay always end up walking away and i guess these demons are my friends cos they never fade

#Message 14 // Pain

Hello...is anyone listening?

Oh my god I feel so much pain righT now..It’s everywhere and it’s unbearable!! What is pain to you..is it pHysical or emotional or both? Hmmm, for mE it has to be both because I do feel a lot of physical pain (which I may oR may not bring upon mysElf) but I also feel a lot of emotional paIn too and to be honeSt it all comeS from other peOple. A lot of people played me, pretended to be there when they weren’t and most of all, faked loving and caring about me...I hate that shit...like just be real with me or just leave cause I ain’t got tiMe or the energy to be dealing with bUllshit from people pretending to be my family! No one is really loyal or stiCks around anymore..It’s like they’re always tHere for your highs and the good times, but then turn into ghosts when you get low and real with them...like what’s uP with that?! I meAn it’s not like my problems are contagIous and i’d never put them on you...all I need is someoNe to be there and have my back..but also to let in the light when the darkness comes back...is that too much to ask nowadays? Why do people shy away from the darkness and the truth all the tIme...is it because of fear...are we afraid that if we get involved then it will start happening to us too? Truth is, I don’t know..but as soMeone who lives in the darkness I can telL yOu that you will have problemS in your life..not because you got involved with mine, but because that’s life. We all know life aIn’t a straight aNd easy path but in a way they test your strenGth..someone up above believes that you have the strength to learn and overcome these tests and will build you into the person that you want to be in the end.

You need to train and work hard to achieve the goals you want...learn from every opportunity in life and never lose sight of what it is you’re fighting for!   

#Message 13 // failing

Hello...is anyone listening?

I’m failing every single time..are you? Maybe you’ve always failed or maybe you’ve just succeeded.. but in the end everybody fails at one poInt or another and the problem with me is..i can’t seem to stop failing. Yes, I Know that you can learn and grow from the experiEncE, but what is there to do when you have never known true success...is it a sign that it’s just not meant to be or is it simPly not time yet? I don’t really know to be honest because my success has not come and my commitment is starting to Fade...I mean what’s the point of getting Up if you’re always going to be knoCKed down by the same thIng...it just gets tiring and poiNtless in the end. I hate failinG.. But then again who doesn’t! It’s like you work so hard for it and it means nothing in the end.. that shit is really demoralising..but hey, I haven’t given UP yet which is either dumb or brAve..i don’t reaLLy know yet. Hopefully THings will just changE one day and i’ll look back and realise thaT all the failures were meant to be and grew me to succeed, but rIght now i can’t...i only feel the pain of being in reaching distance of my dreaM and never being ablE to touch it. They all say the strongest people are the ones who never give up but what about the possibility that you might not actually be good at that and are meant for something else? We all have that one thing we believe is our purpose and we’d rather die than not get it..but what if it really isn’t..what if there’s something else that you just haven’t realised yet? We all need purpose otherwise life is just pointless to us...but I haven’t really got a purpose, so is my life meaningless then...it must be. What am I even doing here ...why have i been given life if i don’t have a purpose...am i just a filler for the world and never meant to do anything in my life but just be there? I want to have purpose but I don’t know how, when all I ever do seems to go horribly wrong.

What do you do when there is no meaning to what you do?        

#Message 12 // Society

Hello..is anyone listening?

The sImplest way of putting this is..society is fucked up..because we are fucked up and we all knoW that but pretend like we don’t! Society is every single one of us and yet we still blAme all of our problems oN it because we jusT don’t want to believe thaT it’s actually us... we dOn’t believe we can be so cruel and heartless but you’ll find that we really can! I’m part of society, you’re part of society, we’re all part of society.. but are you the part that spreads the hate, or are you the part that spreads the love? I’d like to think that i’m the one that spreads the love (and I do) but i’ve not always been the nicest and (without meaninG to) have contrIbuted to the hate. I know we all like to belieVe we are good pEople but not all of us are..whether we realise it or not..and we all definitely make mistakes..bUt it’s whether you learn from them which is the key! Now I know every single one of us has love and good in us but not everyone shows it because it is really freaking dangerous! Everyone knows if you show your good heart then you’re going to get beaten and torn down..i don’t really know why, but I guess others are just so sad that they can’t show this that they try and take it away from you too..weird huh! PeoPle are a very weird specieS..they don’t like it when others are dOing good because they’re not and try to take it away from someone else instead of changing what they’re doing...selfish yes but i guess it comes from a place of fear. We’re all terrified that we’re going to fail and spend every minute letting that fear consume us...i mean if you want it BAD enough and you work hard enough then you will get it..so why the fear!? Maybe because we know how wrong it will go and how bad it will mess us up if we fail...but not necessarily. I mean there are endless things you can do...even if it’s not what you expected..so you’re all good old friend...you still have a purpose!

Always be kind...you never know how powerful that can be!        

#Message 11 // Never quit

Hello...is anyone (still) listening?

That is one thing you should know about me...i’m a stubborn son of a bitch and I never quit even when all the oddS are against me...and I mean ever!! Also I’m still yoUng so I don’t partICularly wanna die yet..well I say that but I kInDa wanna die but I don’t either, you know? I know it’s very confusing for you but imaginE what it’s like for me.. I’m the one that actually has to live with myself!! Anyways...I’m still here, i’m still living and still breathing...I haven’t done what I was gonna do in message 9, which is kInda surpriSing as I was pretty set on it not gonna lie! Ah well, guess I must have some fight left in me old friend and something still anchoring me to this world..let’s just hope that chain doeSn’t snap or that anchor disappears! You may have noticed my sTyle has changed..the only explanatIon I can give you for that is I got bored of the oLd styLe and just changed it...I know, it’s actuAlly that simple! But back to topic now! The best thing you can ever do for yourself is to never quit...I know when it gets really freakiNg hard and you just dOn’t care anymore and it’s all going to be pointless in the end...yeah it can be but it can also create the best oPportunities of your life...isn’T that worth fInding out? So what if it dOesn’t happen! You got that far and surprised yourself in the process..i see that as a wiN even if you don’t get what you were looking for, out of it! I must say, it’s also quite satisfying just keeping on going...i mean you feel fucking unbreakable and that you can do anything and just like, bring it on bitch!! Don’t forget it’s not always like that though...it’s different for everyone and you can get periods when it feels weird and not so fun but I promise it’s all worth it at the end!

So don’t give up on me because the battle is not lost yet.    

#Message 10 // the end

Hello...is anyone listening?

I have run out of time and the end has come. I know you tried old friend but you cannot go against fate no matter how hard you try. All you have to do now is listen to why it is the end for me..no secret messages..i’m gone anyway and this is the only message i have strength for. The darkness entered me very early because of my “father”... He was the monster in my house causing terror and pain for my brother and mother, because he chose to feed his demons and they have no mercy for anyone. Now, he is my father but I never saw him as one...no father chooses to hurt his family and terrorise them for life...but he did and he called the devil in the process. As I was growing up I started getting picked on by other kids...I never understood why...but all this added to the darkness and of course I didn’t notice then. When I was a little bit older someone was taken from me by a bitch of a disease and that is when hell was unleashed...I can’t lie but It nearly took me then. Ever since then it’s been dragging me down with it and now my grip is finally slipping...there have been a few close calls before, but now I have reached the end. I am complete darkness...I have no soul left...too many people have destroyed me...the last people wishing I was dead have pushed me over the edge and I guess you’ve finally got your wish. I must say that there have been a few trying to put the light back into me and you are the reason why I wasn’t taken so soon... I thank you for trying to save me and never giving up but I’m sorry, the darkness has consumed that light and it is time for me to go. Goodbye friend, you mean everything to me and always will be...i will never forget that to the darkness and my only wish is you are not taken too...for this is a place where there is no light, happiness or hope..but a place that exists as a void and a place that cages you for eternity.

Take care old friend, I will always be watching over you...but don’t let the darkness consume you too...find the light and there you will find a good life.             

#Message 9 // Fear

Hello...is anyone listening?

We’re all afraid of something aren’t we...there’s something that keeps us up at night. Just like doubt, fear consumes us and prevents us from really living. It’s funny though because fear is actually our guardian angel..it prevents us from getting into trouble by making us avoid and surprisingly, it was built into our user manual. Though, It can take us away from life and from the moment and stops us from doing things we really want to do...Shit, i’m really contradicted about fear to be honest. I mean, I see it as a protector but also as a cager...so I guess it’s up to every individual if they want it or not. I don’t always want it because most of my fears are irrational and made up but it has saved me a couple of times too, so who knows! I’m sorry to say this old friend.. but my next message will be my last...Unfortunately, i’ve run out of time and i have no strength left to fight the world. You know everything has an expiration date and mine has just simply arrived...I don’t know if you understood my messages but don’t worry because in my final message I will tell you all the reasons why..it won’t change anything but I guess i owe it to you...Cause you deserve to know why i left you behind. Ah well the darkness is in my eyes now..you can’t really see me anymore...I’m invisible...well apart from the fade in my soul for now...but i have been chained and tortured for too long and no one can last like that. I’m bloody and bruised..Damn, they’ve taken my strength, my hope, my light, my love, my everything...i am just raw and empty and i won’t be able to survive on my own like that. So I guess it’s a good thing that i’m being taken to the darkness that is now in me.. It’s always better than going nowhere and being trapped within yourself forever.

One more time, one more chance...Easy there, i know there’s meant to be 13 reasons why but I didn’t have as much time as her...    

#Message 8 // Time

Hello...is anyone listening?

TiMe...we all base our lives around it and we’re constantlY afraid of losing it. We pretty much worship time. We’re constantly begging for more or praying that it won’t enD..we’re complEtely consumed by time thAt we forget abouT tHe moment we’re livIng in because we alwayS try to plan...always predictiNg something that isn’t set in stOne and convincing ourselves thaT it’s the end when it goEs wrong. In the world we use time for everything and yes it can be very helpful.. but we have stopped really living because we routine our days into tasks...where are the uneXPECTED but Beautiful moments that make Us go on litTle adventures!? If you ask me..those are the moments where we forget to think, we forget the demons and just live As ourselves..I guess you could say we’re liviNg with our own sOuls and our clear, beauTiful minds and we feel totally fucking alive! We all know that tHere is pEace in us, but we make the mistake of tRying to plan it...you know that the greateSt momenTs were never plAnned old friend. Now by no means am I saying scrap The plan, cause we all need guIdance every now and again...but when you feel like doing Something crazy or unplanned..go and do iT!! Listen to your conscIence when it is longing for an adventure or something new and exCiting..that voice is yours and no one can ever take it away from you..not even the demons...so go and own it friend!

Really live everyday like it’s your last because one day it will be.      

#Message 7 // Doubt

Hello...is anyone listening?

Doubt is by far the mosT successful demon..I mean it is in absolutely everybody! We constantly second guess our own judgement and it is incredibly frustrating and not to mention confusing! You know the first tHought you have..that’s yours..but the nExt ones are always doubt..that’s how it works..it convincEs you that yours is the wroNg decision because it knows all of your weaknesses and then uses them against you. You know what doubt hates though...people going against it and listening to their own thoughts! I’d love to say that’s easy to Do but unfortunately not. Doubt actually made an alliance wIth love recently and we all know love is an abSolute killer just as it is..so you can imagine what it’s like now..basically suicide to be hoNest! I’ve nevEr had good experiences with love and I now tend to stAy away from it as much as possible...Though it’s funny because people say that love is amazing and an incRedible feeling but all I cAN think is how!? Love just repeateDly stabs you in the heart and makes you completely fall for someone, so you go blind to the reality and lose who you are as a person...then doubt goes and makes you questIon everything that you do and what you think they think of you. YeS, I have “fallen” for someone before and it wasn’t the best experience..I didn’t really know what to think and I just felt like I had to do everythinG for thEm...It was very confusing and overwhelming giving everyThing to one person wiThout even realisING. Then of course it never worked out...but I was left not kNowing what happenEd and who I actuAlly was or wanted to be anymore...as well as having an axe wedged into my chest to remind me of it all! So no...I do not trust love because it is blinding and kills you inteRnally and I have enough things trying to kill mE as it is! But hey...who am I to tell you what to do...maybe it’s just me that love has a gRudge against and you’re having an amazing time with it...if that’s the case, then well done my friend because that is no easy feat!

We’re losing time..have you figured it out yet...i don’t want to fade..please.