“Sometimes I sit here feeling like a ghost, it’s that emptiness I think that hurts the most.”

“Ever since I first heard this song it has meant something to me. I do sit and exist feeling like a ghost sometimes. A ghost to everyone else, and a ghost to myself. I often wonder if people see me or hear me. But I also wonder if I see or hear myself. My mind is always screaming something. Sometimes it’s something good, sometimes it’s not. Even when the room is silent, there is so much nose. The internal storm going on within myself of wanting to feel these emotions and feelings, and simultaneously not wanting to feel them. But I think at this point it’s not about what I want, but more about what I need. I need to feel, and right now I think and I hope I am ready to. “

“I love listening to music, I love playing music, and I love writing music. But sometimes the emotions, feelings, and irrational intrusive thoughts are so loud inside my head, that any outside noise becomes too much.”

My mental health thought after therapy.

“Pretending to be ok is sometimes easier than feeling the emotions. But I can only pretend and only lie to myself for so long. Sure pretending worked for a little while, but even then did it really work? Now I can’t keep lying to myself. The truth is slowly creeping up from deep within me. The emotions I can no longer hide are coming to the surface. Being afraid and uncomfortable is so much harder than pretending. Life is so much harder than pretending. “

A thought I had after my therapy session today.

“Lately I haven’t felt alive. I haven’t felt that sense of piece or calm. All I have felt is chaos. I am in survival mode. I am not living, I am surviving. But one day I want to be able to look back and say, “hey you survived and you lived.” Sure life is about surviving but it’s also about living. “

“It’s just hard to see the bigger picture when the current small one is so stressful.”

It’s just hard to see the bigger picture when the current small one is so stressful.

“My mind is booming with noise, while the room is silent. “

What it’s like to be in my head. ( Only a glimpse that is.)

“I try to cry and it’s almost there, about to burst, but my brain won’t let me. My brain traps the tears, and like traps doors, every step I get to crying I fall back down another level.”

This is the only way I could describe what crying or trying to cry when I need to feels like. I couldn’t put it into words during my therapy session but now it is clear.

“I think I am done with the anger. I don’t think I am angry at them anymore, I am just hurt and I am just done.”

Another thought of mine I wrote down after a good therapy session.

“I am frozen, while the world around me keeps moving. My mind is screaming while the world around me is silent.”

A little snippet from a poem/short story I wrote. I don’t want to share the full thing yet, everything is still raw in the emotional aspect, and I need to heal first. But for now I’ll share this.

I have a few things I want for everyone struggling, whether that be physically, mentally, emotionally or in any other way.

One day I hope you have peace, you are happy, and you are not struggling.

One day I hope you get everything you deserve.

One day I hope that you wake up and don't feel the hurt anymore.

Most importantly I hope one day you can say you lived, I hope you can say you are alive and not just surviving.

But if surviving is what you can do right now that is ok too.

.

A letter I wrote but will never send, to me ex best friend.

Dear ex best friend,

Right now, I long for those moments. Those moments where we had no cares in the world. Maybe I don’t miss you though. You see I confuse missing what we had with who we were. I miss when we could talk for hours on end, and when we would swing for hours, just singing, talking and most importantly being us. But that’s the thing, I don’t miss us or you. I miss what we had and what we did. I miss the sleepovers, the swings, the songs, the movie nights, the walks, the late night playground laughs. I miss all of that, but I don’t miss you. You see, you hurt me, not physically but the mental and emotional wounds run deep and haven’t healed yet. I gave you everything I could to make life better, but you used me. You used me until you decided you didn’t need or want me. And then I never heard from you unless you saw me. See, you act like you didn’t do anything but you did. Now we couldn’t be more separate. I don’t miss you or us. I miss who we used to be. Not who we are now. Now we are strangers that don’t talk, don’t swing, don’t laugh, and we can’t fix that. I don’t miss you or us, I am hurt by you and the old us. I can miss the old us and what we were and not miss you. Right now what we had and what we were is nothing but a distant painful memory. So to my ex best friend I don’t miss you, I am hurt by you.