NIGHTMARES

I lost my soulmate 20 years ago to liver failure. He was only 46 years old. The only time I have felt him was the day I was told he had passed.

Today I was with him in a dream state. We didn't talk but the feeling of being complete transcended everything. I left him to walk to a friends house and along the way I found myself next to a ravine. Mud had piled up and for some reason I decided to walk down into the ravine. Once down I knew I was in trouble. I had no cell phone and the sides of the ravine were impossible to climb because it was mud and I would just sink back down.

I woke up with a start, breathing heavily.

ENERGY VAMPIRE

One thing I detest is a liar. There's never any reason to lie. By doing so you become untrustworthy. And if I cannot trust you we cannot be friends.

Right now I am living at a horse ranch about 30 minutes from town. At first it was fine. At first. Then as always happens, truthreveals just how fucked up things REALLY are. This woman is a 72-year-old unstable, whiny, unreliableliar who is sucking the life out of me and draining my money. I told her from the start that I had medical appointments that I had to be at weekly. No problem she said. She also stated that as far as the rent, just pay what you think is fair. Ok, no problem. The first 25 days here I gave her over 1,700. I didn't give her any money the next month because she had nickel and died me for gas money, she would come up short at the grocery store then lean on me to cover it. Claiming she only gets 35.00 in food stamps. I have had to pay gas even if SHE invites me into town. I hear about the same problems over and over and if you confront her about something she whines and claims she just cannot cope, everything is high drama with her. Wego to her grocery store, I hate it they never have what I want. If I ask her to just drop me off across the street to my store from hers, she plays the I'm in a hurry, Ihave to get back home cause I have to do this and this and this... I detest this person. I have not been able to wash any clothes while here and I don't see it getting better.

I signed up for senior/disabled housing 5 months ago. I just received notice a 2 bedroom is available for 599.00 I am moving. My brother will be out the first week in March. It would be perfect for us. I can not take much more of this woman. Every month I am 150.00 in the hole. That drives me crazy. I am not going to tell her anything until the day I move. She has left me hanging more than once so I will feel no guilt just walking out without telling her until the day of my leaving. I am tired of being used and I am tired of the poor me bull shit. How the fuck she hasn't lost this place I don't know. But, after today I know she gets 500.00 a month in food stamps and isn't paying her phone, pg&e or propane. She is way behind on all and she buys 300.00 in hay for the 40 horses here. She will be out the money she has been draining from me. and I do not care. Her we are family bullshit doesn't work with me, and I told her that so she stopped using that. But, she falls back to playing the helpless, confused senior and after today I let her know I don't give a flying fuck about her problems. She is a conniving, lying deceitful wreck of a human. I just want out! I am excited about getting my own place. Finally. No more bullshit.

The view from the front yard.

Sierra Mountians.

Stop breed discrimination.

Always treat others as you want to be treated.

If you don't think the NRA is guilty of accessory to mass murder then you have not been paying attention

Be true to yourself. Be kind.Always.

Receive what you give.

CHILDHOOD INNOCENCE

I grew up in the 60s & 70s. An age of freedom, naivety, and trust. My brothers and I rode our bikes everywhere. We were latchkey kids before the term was coined. Small-town America. Where everyone knew who you were because your Grandparents were known and respected. It wasn't unusual to walk across town, across the main street to get to my paternal grandparents. The kids today never had the freedom that I had. I never disrespected my elders. I had my problems, smoking, and running away. My mother made life miserable. On her watch, I had 3 major accidents and ended up in the hospital. My father was really angry that I kept getting hurt. And he asked her point blank, "Why can't you keep her safe"? That was the beginning of her anger & hatred toward me. I wasn't born "perfect" because I was born with paralyzed eye muscles which gave me a lazy eye. I was her only daughter. Instead of being close, I couldn't stand to be near her because she was either gaslighting me or being so negative that I would be an emotional wreck. No one can break you better than family. Anytime someone says " we're family very aware and watch your back. I am living in a situation that at first was great. Until I started being nickel and died to death. I have been 150.00 or more in overdrafts because even if I am just going to town for the ride, and asked to come, she expects 40.00 for gas. And if we go to the grocery store, she wants me to pay for some of her stuff. Which would not be a problem except, I buy and eat my food. I have eaten one meal in her kitchen. I have to listen to her woe-is-me bullshit every single time I interact with her. No one has it worse than her. If you are 5000 in debt for PG&E, in 1000 on your internet and phone how can you afford to take care of 40 horses, sick dogs and cats and take them to a Veterinary hospital? I cannot and will not keep being nickel & died. My brother is home on March 4th, I am waiting for him in order to leave this trainwreck.

STOP REQUESTING I

FOLLOW YOUR SEX ACT PAGES.!!!!!

I don't know if these women are unable to work REAL jobs or if they are fishing for a sugar daddy. I am a disabled, 60-year-old female, stop already. Your games are old and I don't play.

I was running games and making 5 to 6 grand a month. WAY before the internet. You are not even on the same level. I would NEVER expose myself so carelessly. I block all of you cheap ass wanna bes

Strange Sounds

At first I ignored the knocking on the bedroom door. At first I just assumed I was hearing things. I got rid of the Welcome mat outside the sliding glass door,turned the chair facing the bed around to face the wall. Now I am trying to figure out how to block the mirror facing the side of the bed. I also burned sage now I am planning to seal the doors with salt. Last night was the worst. I don't sleep well,and won't till I can cleanse my area.

Things are not going as well as it normally does. Even Yogi is acting super weird staring into corners and spacing out. I know something is trying to get in if not already with a foothold.

I'm not afraid,evil feeds on fear. I am also not stupid. There are ways to fight back. You just have to do it and not back down.

Several people have died on this property. And they haven't left.

To be continued.....

GoFund Me🐕‍🦺🤕

I have always taken care of myself, parents could but didn't, husband wouldn't. It always fell on me. Begging for help is not something I am good at. But,I find myself 150.00 I the hole,again this month and it's only the 6th. I do not have the funds necessary for gas to get to town. I would walk but 30 miles is just too far to go on foot at my age and with my poor health. I am in Stage2 kidney failure,Hepatitis C and COPD. I have critical doctor appointments on the 7th,8th and 9th. Without money for gas I cannot get to any of these vital appointments. If you have taken the time to read my post this far,Thank You.

I hope that you will donate to my cause. If not, please pray for me.

Link: https://gofund.me/3b8ab244

You never have to remember the truth. With lies you never can keep your story straight.

I believe in karma. You should never waste your energy on hate and anger because you only hurt yourself. Let nature take it's course while you sit back and smile.

There is something wrong with US as a society when lying,sexual perversity, racism and violence are ignored to the point of normalizing the aberrant behavior.

Family Dramas

I don't have any family that I actually like. My mother,and I use the term loosely, deserted me,her son and my 3 brothers not once not twice but three times. But,not before she lied about my being able to get financial aid at 15 and pregnant. She claimed you had to be 18 to get any federal/state help. When she failed at that she kicked me out and it was the third and last time.

After notseeing her for years ,she decided she would take my kids to get a paycheck. She lied to,abused my kids and I have never been able to have any type of relationship with my 4 oldest. I tried over the years,but they had been indoctrinated against me. I found it was better for my own mental health to just forget them just as they have me. Family,my family, are so busy back biting each other and fighting over stupid shit that cutting them out of my life was one of the best decisions I have ever made. My baby brother,the only one I have left,is incarcerated right now but due to be released after the first of the new year. I have stood by him for the last 7+ years with money,cards and phone calls. We are planning to move out of state . Since we both will be on Disability we need to find a state that is cheaper to live in. I have Stage 2 kidney failure,COPD,HEPC and mental illness (bipolar,ptsd,depression,social anxiety and severe anxiety) So,we have to move where medical is good. He also has medical issues. I want to stay here but not in this county. Cost of living is through the roof nbut my SSID & Widow benefits might decrease if I move out of state and I barely make it now. I know this, I will be rescuing another dog and my brother wants a dog. So,that's 3 dogs. I favor pits and other large dogs. He wants an ankle biter lol.

Whatever happens,I cannot wait for him to be out.

Time for another tale of spirits,obe's and after death wonderings and visits. I think I have always been open to the spiritual side of life. I have made numerous forays into different faiths. They all become the same thing after a while. Same basic message,hell awaits those who stray from the path of whatever church you go to. I personally do not believe in hell. It is difficult for me to believe that a god,any god who claims to love you as a child,would get joy out of punishing you in a pit of fire with demons tormenting you. We all have our own version of hell.Be it drug addiction,alcohol abuse. Now,I do think there is a place for those people who have no soul.And I dont have to name who or what they are,you just know. One look tells you that the person who hurt and took the innocence of another,lack a soul as do serial killers. This world seems to spit them out more and more. Anyway,I get off track at times.It happens frequently due to my being a senior,widow with a pitbull named Yogi who by the way,is exactly like the cartoon Yogi bear who was always on the hunt for picnic baskets.Yogi has not met a food he will not eat. Dogs do go to heaven.They are innocent souls whose only "job"in life is to please the leader of their pack and to bring love and comfort to people like me. Now that I have rambled on I think I will end this and try again to relate one of several OBEs in my next entry.