PC Dissonance

06/04/22                

______,

I tried to go into solitary today but they refused me. They tried to offer me Police Custody but I refused. The girls are getting worse and there are 19 women in a 12 bunk cell. I refused to go to PC because the girls will say I’m a rapist & if I get released from PC I could be beat on the street. It’s like the Guards want us to fight or want problems. My PTSD is off the charts today. I need out of here. Now all the girls think I’m a rat for talking to the Guards about wanting to leave this cell so they might beat me anyway. They told me ‘sleep tight’. Also, I know one of them said they will check into PC after me and hurt me. If I leave they will all talk on me and call me a rapist. This is a nightmare. I feel like (bunkies) will turn on me themselves just for self preservation. After I talked to the Guards they took REC (recreation) away after telling us all beforehand we could go outside. I think they did that on purpose.This is so messed up. I can’t sleep. I can’t think. I feel like I might just lose my mind. I need to get out of here. I hope I get out of here…/Just talked to you on the phone. I know you say this situation is bigger than expected… it is for me too. Sometimes when I call it’s not just to ask you to fix it (although I wish there was a way to fix this and get me out of here.) It’s also to inform you because there may come a time in here where I’m no longer able to speak. That’s why I recorded _____, that’s why I call you. It’s also to hear your voice. 

I tried to call _____ this morning, no answer, so I wrote him a letter and sent some drawings for ____. After that is when the girls started up this morning. Between that and lack of sleep their threats today (J-D- and her friend T-A- again) calling me a rapist and saying ‘sleep tight’... both of them have done serious time, and serious things. Both are turning everyone against me. I’m afraid to check into PC also because I’m afraid rapists go there. Can you imagine? I can’t.

If for some reason I end up doing serious time I’m going to request a transfer to a different facility. Somewhere with more amenities, more rooms, maybe single man cells. I wish I had my own room and could choose to socialize or stay on my own. I’d feel so much better. If this ends up for the worst and I don’t get out of here maybe that’s something to look into. Maybe there is one with an actual library or educational programs too. I’ve heard some places have Ipads and REC everyday too. Anyway, I love you. I promise I’m trying my best. 

I love you so much. I’ll call you in a few.

Anon #143669

Locks in Socks

06/03/2022                                   

_____,

Thank you for your letter, I keep it under my pillow (which I currently don’t have, so I fold the top of my mat and that seems to work for now) for safe keeping. I know it seems like I fly off the cuff sometimes when my calls are so tense, but thank you for being there to answer and give me the time of day. 

The main girl in her I worry about is named J-D-... she is supposedly friends with a R-O- (whom I think she may have a sexual/drug history with) who supposedly said ____ and I abused her to get time off her sentence. (Note: R-O- was let out of WCRJ by Detectives who promised her they would do so in exchange for her providing a statement against my co-defendant and I. She later confessed that to people on the street, as well as that the statements she gave Detectives were false and she only gave them to get herself out of Jail and to get her case thrown out.) DO NOT SHARE THAT INFO, even with Detective J- right now, because I’d be labeled as a rat in here for saying anything and beat for it. I guess that’s how things work in here… and the girls have a loyalty to J-D- both here and on the streets. I’m only sending this info to you so in case something happens to me (Hopefully I get out of here before it does) you know the truth and aren’t left in the dark. A few more things I unfortunately can’t share on the phone: I have learned many girls in here have Hepatitis and Herpes, and some have HIV. I have done my best to keep my distance, but when I get out I will probably need an STD test just to make sure I’m safe.

If one of them fights me, one of the methods I’ve heard the girls bragging about is spitting/infecting their opponents (including especially the Guards). Socks filled with rocks, handmade shivs, and other methods are also a possibility. Again, do not share this because this info is very dangerous for me to disclose to anyone… getting accused of being a rat is worse than even my charges and results in an instant punishment, but I’d be an idiot not to. Just please keep it between us for now. Another thing I’ve learned is about the Discovery - (CoDefendant) and I will be able to see everyone’s statements including each others without anonymity. The reason I never called the Police or talked to anyone about my personal situation (other than not trusting the Police because I knew they were dirty and would only worsen my situation) was due to fear of retaliation. Being a rat in ANY WAY is dangerous. Please be careful. I have done my damndest to de-escalate the reaction to my situation in here and the girls are now conflicted as to what to do with me or how to feel about me now that they know the truth (especially about R-O- lying and telling J-D- about it.) I think I’m ok for now… but still trying to take precautions just in case.  

I love you. Pray for me. I’ll be praying too. I love you. I miss ______. I hope that I can get out of here. I hope to see you soon.<3 Me (Anon #143669)

(P.S. it’s not (co-defendant) I’m worried about retaliating but someone completely new. (CD) won’t want to, they will. Don’t try to talk about it… just listen to me. I’m just scared… I told the truth. I’m scared some people will be angry about it.

Panic Sets In...

05-27-22                                                                      12:00 AM (Midnight)

__________,

I’m writing this in the midst of a panic attack so please forgive me. I can hear people fighting, screaming, shouting, and sirens coming from upstairs. Meanwhile, the girls in here won’t stop talking. Some made jokes about child abuse earlier & rape again which has triggered me. They won’t stop talking about literally nothing now and I can’t hear what is happening outside our cell because of it. I keep worrying about a Prison (Jail) riot and the men overtaking the Staff (who are incompetent) and coming in here and doing the worst to us.

My left eye won’t stop flashing, either. I’m having migraines. I keep worrying I won’t get out of here alive. I feel like I’m going crazy. I keep withing I could find 10 people with $10,000. I keep worrying I could be indicted on these charges any day now just because and no longer have a bond. They can revoke your bond here. I also found out (Judge who was going to testify on my case) could be away for 2 weeks… with my head injury (received due to domestic violence right before I was arrested) I could be dead then.

I need to get out of here. I can’t stand it. I hate how the girls talk about raping other women, or having sex with the Guards, or WANTING STD’s… pure craziness. I hate my charges. I hate feeling powerless. I’m terrified I’ll never leave here & I swear sometimes I feel pushed to my limit.

I have my good days too but my health is scaring me more and more and my nerves and patience are wearing thin. If I don’t make it, if something happens, please know I love you and _____ and I’m sorry. I never wanted this. I never imagined I’d be here. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I never wanted to be hurt. I’m scared I’ve been hurt to the point of no return (Note: Head injuries, a broken sternum, and several broken fingers from said altercation the night before my arrest being some of them which were never treated by WCRJ.)I feel I may have been damaged beyond what I realized and I’m powerless to get help in here. Just please know I love you. I love _____. I wish I had another chance to do things over and I never meant to risk my LIFE. I never wanted to hurt anyone, and I never wanted to be this hurt.I need to get out. If I get indicted before I’m able to bond out & they revoke my bond I’m afraid I’ll die in here. I wish I knew someone who could help me. I can’t stand this anymore and what a waste.

For all the people I tried to save, there is no one to save me. I can’t live with this & I DO NOT deserve this. These Detectives who locked me in here know I was a victim. They saw my bruises, they knew how I was being treated, they have PROOF I tried to help ____ and ________. They also have proof that I have ongoing medical issues that could be fatal. I need to get out. I can’t do this. I’m not made for this and I’m wrongfully incarcerated. Isn’t there anyone who can get me out before it’s too late? This can’t be the end. I want to see you and ____. I just want to go to the hospital and get better.I just want to hold ______ one last time. I don’t want to die like this. I fought so hard to stay alive… for this? There are monsters who bail out on higher bonds every day. I know them.

Why did this happen to me _____? What did I do?

I love you, I love _____. I hope I survive. I’m sorry. I need to get out. I love you. 

Anon #143669

Let's Go Back!

What is it like to be a female inmate in County Jail in Bowling Green, KY?

I sent mail to three different people during my stay in WCRJ, but only one actually gave me back the information I sent them. Names may be changed to protect people, but everything else here is unfortunately, terribly true. Let's start with my earliest mail and go from there.

“05/23/22

Hey ____,

I want to apologize for our last phone call. I was so scared and want to explain why. I have not been DIRECTLY threatened, but numerous people have told me that my charges can get me hurt in here, even if I’m innocent, people like to take out their frustrations if they are serving long sentences & if you are accused of rape they sometimes will do the same or worse to you.

I moved into my new cell today and it came out (as it always does) why I’m here. The girls I’m in with have mostly drug charges (bragging rights for them) but a few of them have started joking about raping girls or drugging them with GHB (a date rape drug) & gloating about it in front of me. They also joked about a recent PREA investigation in this cell LAST WEEK. One of them also told stories about outside setting a guy up for burglary, dressing up with her friends in ski masks with machetes, 9 mm Taurus Guns w/ Extended Mags, and the guy only having $150 on him… my spirit is broken.

My old cell was the intake cell, this one is for girls staying longer. So far everyone has been nice to my face, but there are girls in here fully capable and proud of this stuff (violence), they just don’t have it on their record and are only here on ‘drug charges’.So “safe”. I on the other hand am in grave danger which is why I’m trying to hard to get out.

I felt like I could help the girls in my old cell, most were new to the system. These girls I don’t want to. I’m afraid of them. My other alternative is to sign a waiver and go into the Police Custody Cell which would put me in a cell with informants (CI’s), Pedo’s, and trouble makers who started trouble in the other cells and wound up in there… even more dangerous.I don’t know how things will go and I don’t want you to be scared for me, but I officially am and the last thing I want is to be surrounded by rapists and predators when I am NOT one. Especially with my Activist career on top of my charges, this just feels like worst-case scenario.Sorry if this is hard to read, it’s 4 A.M. and I couldn’t sleep. I love you, keep praying. I will too.I hope I get out of here, I love you, stay strong.

Love,

Anon #143669

9:42PM                                                                                                11-19-23

Hello, Friends, Stalkers, and everyone else.

What a funny way to start my first journal entry on the outside. The above is a sample of the letters I wrote myself while incarcerated. I ended up pleading to a lesser charge (Wanton Endangerment, 1st Degree)... I’ll explain the how’s and why’s of my case later on in this journal (as will some of the letter I wrote myself, which I will also post here.)

The reason I am continuing to write is that since my release from Jail a girl has died of medical neglect - Ashley Burt. On top of that, the evidence I gave over on my case was never entered into my Discovery (recordings proving my innocence and that I was NOT, in fact, complicit to any rape or kidnapping whatsoever) which is why I plead out, there was no way for me to fight my case without the evidence I handed over to the Police. Now that I’m out the Police refuse to release my phones to me. Furthermore they have conspired with Probation and Parole as well as the Jailer to put me back in Jail. I can’t give any more information than that for now (what I’ve written is already identifiable enough)... but I want to come out with the truth in case something happens to me. Yes - things are that fucked up. 

Yes, I am that scared.

Inmate Report 07-30-22 4:30 A.M.

 4:30 A.M.                                                                                        07-30-22 

Being an anti-sex trafficking activist, in a town that is considered a hub of sex trafficking, in one of the highest trafficking states in the Nation, is precarious… to say the least. 

How I ended up in Warren County Regional Jail in Bowling Green, Kentucky involves a Chinese Manufacturing Company, a dead dog, a divorce, sex, drugs, lots of rock n roll, and many other world-traveled family secrets along the way. 

The why’s of what I’m actually writing about here is still unfolding, as is the what in the hell happened that I would be CHARGED with complicity to rape and kidnapping, and how in the hell will this all end… remains to be seen. All I know is I am charged with something I would never do, in a Jail full of people who probably would (side note: apparently even the Jail itself has a reputation for doing the things I am charged with. Ha.) 

On top of that I am, as I mentioned before, an activist… which means even while facing my own hellish, nonsensical, purgatorial reality, seeing what is happening to the human beings around me I cannot help but feel the need to do something. Even if attempting to do so leads to my own peril. (You may think that statement dramatic, but wait until the investigation and whatever this current saga may be is over. This town is twisted. That is a total understatement.)

I’m not necessarily writing this for anyone in particular, more as a mental exercise to keep myself grounded in reality. Reality can be brutal sometimes when you’re in here. Dreams offer escape, but waking up to this shit-hole of a cell after being literally anywhere else in my mind is a special kind of hell. Same four walls, same foul air, same putrid food, same tainted water. All of us trapped in here, having to find new ways every day to live together. Some days are VERY hard.

Currently all the cells surrounding mine are on Covid lockdown (but oddly, only for 5 days). Many of the Deputies, also the Jailer, remain unmasked when entering cells despite this. He (The Jailer) is not my biggest fan, since this week I spoke to Department of Corrections (DOC) alongside my colleague on the outside about the conditions here. Those complaints ended with DOC making a “home visit” to WCRJ, complete with a kitchen walkthrough and a sit-down interview with yours truly. (Later, it would turn out, DOC did nothing to address the issues I spoke to them about regarding severe medical neglect, sexual harassment of inmates by Guards, tasing people in restraint chairs, not providing proper medication to inmates, unhealthy and unsafe food and living conditions, improper mental health care, etc. Just a wink and nod at the Jailer and away they went. Meanwhile, since then, people have literally died… or sued the Jail for sexual abuse as well.)

I was subsequently visited by two Deputies the next day who pulled me out of my cell to ask me if I had any rapes in my cell specifically to report. I told them, at the moment in my cell, no. They made me sign a piece of paper which later turned out to be a statement claiming I agreed that I  made false PREA (Prison Rape Elimination Act) reports… which stemmed from me telling my colleague over a video chat (monitored by the Jail) that I had received several reports from female inmates in the Jail of sexual assault, and some allegations that the Jailer had a hand in covering up such assaults himself. (Later like I said the Jail would be sued for sexual assault by a Guard on a female Inmate… after all this occurred with me… just throwing that out there.) They had me sign this form to cover their ass. Clearly it didn’t stop the actual, serious problem of Guards assaulting female inmates.

It was an odd situation since I had never made out a PREA report. I had simply told my friend, IN VERY VAGUE TERMINOLOGY to protect the identities of the people who told me they were assaulted, that some serious things had happened there. (Unfortunately, after this, the serious things continued.)

My friend has set up another video visit with me today and I’m not quite sure what to tell her, because based on how they have reacted to all this I am concerned about possible retaliation against myself (which eventually does happen), or more importantly the women who told me about the alleged abuse.

On top of that issue, there is medical neglect here. When my friend “M” was sick two weeks ago (shaking suddenly with a fever) we tried many times to call for the Guards or hail medical (even pressing the emergency button on the wall) since… in a situation like that you can’t very well drive yourself to a hospital or get a first aid kit. You’re locked behind bars. You need assistance, even for basic healthcare. After no response for a considerable time (I’m talking 20, 30 mins) we had another inmate in the cell call her family on the phone and tell them to call the front desk at the jail and tell them there was a medical emergency in our cell. This was pure desperation at this point.

10 minutes later the Guard comes in screaming at her (and us) in the cell and demanded she come out. While she finally got escorted (very rudely) to medical we then lost our TV privileges and all but one phone in our cell for the rest of the day. We were told this was for us calling her family and getting them to call the front and make a complaint in order to expedite our cellmates medical care. Apparently you get punished for asking for help here when you are sick.

When my friend “D” (one of the female inmates who also told me she was abused in the Jail in 2019) was vomiting so hard in our cell she literally pissed herself three nights ago,then started wretching, and finally went into a seizure, they wouldn’t help her. It wasn’t until I threatened to file a grievance unless they took her to a hospital and got her medical care. They finally came in and removed her from the cell, but instead of getting her medical attention they took her and dumped her in an isolation cell (the hole) to seize, piss, shit, and vomit on herself alone. They then kept her in isolation for three days, she only just got back yesterday to our cell. Shell-shocked, haggard, and glad to be alive.

When she got back she told me that she almost lost her mind when she came to from her seizure and realized she had been put in the exact same cell she was raped in in 2019, an assault she claims the Jailer knew about. She begged to be moved but no one listened to her, and she had to spend days sick, broken, and filled with panic and disgust.

There is an evil in this place. Evil happens here, and corrupts. I have written letters, I have written songs, I have prayed, danced, and tried to sing it away, but even now I can feel the light draining from my eyes. I don’t hear the women screaming at night as much as I used to and I wonder - did they move them because I complained? Did they get out? Did they survive?

August 1st marks 80 days that I’ve been here (I was arrested Friday the 13th - true story) and so far I myself have escaped the “turtle suit”, getting tased, being left to piss and shit myself in the restraint chair, or raped in the hole, and I wonder if I will get out. Will I survive? (I ended up surviving, but now I am fighting on the outside to keep my freedom… which is why I’m posting this anonymously.)

Either way, despite my charges, despite that reputation, I cannot stop myself from speaking up for those who haven’t survived. Will anyone believe me? Who knows… but for the first time in my life I am learning to use my voice. I just pray for all of us it’s not too late.

Anon #143669