if someone on here actually knows me

when the time comes

get onto my account and look in drafts. please.

find someone who knows you’re sad just by the change of tone in your voice

be with someone who loves the feature that you hate the most

fall in love with someone who looks at you and knows they don’t want anyone else

Ive been in here for almost 18 days. 18 FUCKING days.  i have gained 8 pounds(i saw the scale yesterday, assholes). been in constant pain and have ruined my relationship with my parents. i have also lost the will to live. 

this is so FUCKING counter-productive. because im either going to be worse than i ever was 2 weeks after i get out of here or im going to die. i actually WANTED to get better before this. now i dont. 

clearly somethings not right if you get readmitted but your worse then you were the first time 

You’re going to be sad. You’re going to want to scream and punch things. Do it. Let out every ounce of anger you have. Sit on the floor and cry until you feel numb. Listen to songs that make your heart sink to your feet. Write angry letters to all the people who have broken you, left you, ignored you or hurt you. Throw your hairbrush at the wall. Do it twelve times. Do it until you feel like you can breathe again. You’re going to be sad. You’re going to want to hurt yourself. Don’t you dare do it. Sit on the floor and watch cartoons like you did when you were little. Listen to songs that make you want to dance around your bedroom in your underwear at 3 A.M. Make paper airplanes out of those angry letters and watch them soar into the fireplace. Brush all the knots out of your hair and say “I am worth it” into the mirror. Say it twelve times. Say it until you feel like you can breathe again. You’re going to be sad. You’re going to get through it.

things i wish i could make you understand  (via pessimistiic)

well im back in hell (trigger warning)

just as i was starting to feel better, i got readmitted. 

i eat 3 meals and 3 snacks, i even started added an extra ensure/boost twice a day yet i still cant gain weight. 

im a "medical mystery"

i went to the doctors on tuesday was weighed had my first extra ensure that night, the next day i went back and was weighed, i gained a whole kilo (about 2 pounds) and had 2 ensures that day, then today i went back and lost 1.3 kilos (about 1.5 pounds). 

IT MAKES NO SENSE 

it doesn't make sense how they say our world revolves around food and eating, and in order to recover we need to let go. yet they insist on making us crazy with meal times, portions and supervision that its nearly impossible not to fixate on even after you have your own sense of (food related) reality back.

update; dec 10

ive been in hospital for 13 days

they said im close, and are looking good today so hopefully ill hear good news soon. its the victorias secret fashion show tonight (aka my second most anticipated day of the year) ((other then discharge day and my birthday))  MY BIGGEST WISH IS TO BE ABLE TO WATCH IT AT HOME ON MY BIG TV NOT THE TINY ONE 10 FEET ABOVE ME IN THIS ROOM

please please please