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sciderman · 15 days

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When i transitioned i had to give up my versatile singing voice and all my skirts and heels. I miss them all equally even though i dont regret a single thing about transitioning. I haven't worn a dress in five years but that doesn't mean i don't want to. My four-inch-heeled blue sequined boots still fit me and sometimes i wear them around the house even if i'm too shy to be gnc in public.

These feelings stopped me from transitioning for a long time and they didn't change when i finally did. I hope that resonates with you

bless you anon! i'm really glad that it's something you don't regret, and i'm glad you're living closer to the you that you want to be - but i also hope you can conquer any fears you have and present to the world the way you want to be seen. i think life's too short to make compromises!

me, i don't think i could go all the way - i think there's a lot about myself i just - i don't want to change. (i'll be honest, the biggest thing i'm scared about with T is what goes on between your legs. i'm terrified of that. i know it's different for everyone, but that makes it even scarier. i'm so familiar with what's down there. i don't want to wake up one morning and it's different. the horrors of one puberty was enough for me. i'm still recovering from my first puberty. i don't want to go through it again. not again. oh dear god.)

i think that's another part of why i thought "oh, i must not be a boy. because i don't want to transition. i have top dysphoria, and Dear God I'd love Top Surgery, but i like what i have between my legs. i like my voice. i like being soft. i like my girlish hobbies. if i like being feminine so much, how does it make sense to claim i'm a boy?" and i think that's a silly line of thinking i had. and i only realised how silly that sounded when other people said it to me. someone said they were worried about identifying as non-binary because they're very pink and very femme. i said - the whole point of non-binary is that it's something you define. pink and femme have nothing to do with it. it's a label you don't have to qualify for! you don't have to qualify to be trans. i know a lot of people trick you into thinking that but - it's just not true. whatever shape you are, whatever preferences you have, whatever you're comfortable wearing, whatever you're comfortable proclaiming - it's on your terms. nobody can tell you what you're meant to feel or how you want to be seen. that's you. you have to define yourself, i guess. nobody else should be able to do that on your behalf!

so i'm a boy, i guess. right now. i'm allowed to be. i declare it so! i'm allowed to be a boy. even in my pink sneakers and my little love-heart chains and all my girlish ways.

#sci speaks #i'm fortunate that i love most things about me. i love my voice and my body and everything. okay i don't like my chest. that's the one thin #i realise actually that's quite lucky. i shouldn't feel guilty about that.#it's a good thing to love most things about you. i shouldn't question it and say “mmmh. but that means you're faking huh??”#i'd never say that to anyone else. so it's stupid to say it to me.#what a silly thing to do. hate yourself for loving yourself. that's?? what kind of mental gymnastics are those.#so i know i'm lucky. i'm fortunate. i know what dysphoria feels like. i don't want to feel More of it. the amount i have is enough.#i know where my dysphoria begins and ends. it's pretty consistent. i'm in a lucky spot. all of this is so lucky.

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starpros-sunshine · 11 months

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OK FOLLOWING UP ON THE BARD THING i think eichi definitely invited wataru to perform at a noble party before. because they'd usually have musicians and so? so ok picture this. it's eichi's birthday so his parents want him to hold a ball and he usually thinks those are annoying but then he gets an idea. make it a masquerade (for the drama). invite wataru as both a performer And his partner for the ball. he's an actor! and everyone is of course impressed by wataru's performance but they're even more impressed because the always polite but unreachable tenshouin heir is expertly dancing with a masked stranger (i love the fact that eichi's specialty in his profile is ballroom dancing). and then they're annoying and overdramatic in public together but no one can figure out Who That Is

and also i know you said that shu was a tailor but i think it would be funny if he also were a noble (his family is also of high standing in canon i think) so he can be there to judge eichi. harshly. i havent figures out yet how to make him besties w wataru but ! it can work

!!!!

This got soooo long again so this is once more put under read more I am so sorry

The idea with the Masquerade comes up while Eichi complains to Wataru about his parents pretty much forcing him to throw a ball for his upcoming birthday (they already planned the whole thing and didn't reallly give him a choice in the matter) and how much of a hassle he thinks that is because of all the superficial politeness between people that everyone knows are gossipping about each other behind each others backs and how sick he is of the pretending to be well acquainted with these people he's talked to maybe once or twice and all the ladies that wish to dance with him and that want to suck up to him because of his families wealth and how really this is all just one big farce to "save face". So Wataru suggests "why not make it a masquerade ball" to spice things up a little bit maybe, take some of the stiffness out of it. And Eichi says he wants to invite Wataru because what's a public event without proper entertainment? Wataru agrees of course and they come up with all of these overly grandiose ideas and scenarios (most of them are utterly absurd. One they genuinely consider involves Wataru pretending to kidnap Eichi and causing a scandal (Eichi woud miraculously reappear the next day and they'd gaslight everyone into thinking that never even happened and all the people are just imagining things)).

Wataru mentions that he'll be gone for an evening to play at the noble's ball to the elderly inn-keeper couple over dinner and they make a really big fuss about it and tell him to dress nicely and to watch his manners because "Remember, you can't just drop from the ceiling with those high society people like we let you do it here they're very sensitive about manners you have to make sure to watch your manners!" and for a minute he wonders how it got to the point that his landlords started to treat him like they personally picked him up from the street when he was a child.

I like to think he met Shu when he was out on the street doing a little street performance to earn some extra money for himself and Shu, the way that he is, came by, looked him up and down, and then started a conversation with him about music as an art form and that somehow turned into a philosophical discussion and at the end of that they each went their own ways with the knowledge that there was a new friendship formed that day.

And maybe he's the one that sews Watarus clothes for the ball because if you spent most of your life as a traveling bard living hand to mouth from your music you won't really have the money for fancy clothes (Eichi still insists on paying for Wataru here because he wouldn't need to spend so much money on fancy ballgowns if it wasn't for him in the first place and also he just wants to treat Wataru to something nice and sees this as his chance seeing as Wataru declines most gift offers me made before). Wataru tells him about the entire thing and Shu scoffs because dislikes Eichi (still need to come up with a way to explain that disdain but I will come up with something trust me!) but his parents force him to be there too so "he might as well" (it's obvious he still puts in a lot of care "because of his pride as an artists" (because Wataru is his friend and he wants him to have something nice)).

Shu only has to be there because his family guilt trips him into going and he doesn't see the point in opening that can of worms again ("We already let you pursue your foolish dream of sewing clothes like a commoner this is the least you could do for your family.")

And then at the actual event he's in some secluded corner together with some other people who only attended as a mere formality because they also do not like the Tenshouin family but they have to be there because they're important and aristocrat politics are weird that way I suppose.

Meanwhile Wataru does his usual thing and charms everyone with his beautiful beautiful voice and his elegance and charm and oh he is so agreeable as a performer. Eichi has to handle the usual "pleasantries" (nothing pleasant about those tries) and he exchanges the one or the other suffering glance with Yuzuru when nobody pays attention that just screams "God when will it end". Yuzuru shoots him back a look that conveys the exact emotion of "my condolences" and then he goes on to look for Tori who's 1.53m figure has disappeared in the group of people and when he finds him he's talking to a gentleman that's about a head taller than him and the mask obscures his face but judging by the hair and the slight "animosity" between them he's talking to Tsukasa, so Yuzuru decides he's in good hands and leaves to do his own thing. (do they know they're talking to each other? Who knows! But they'd probably manage to start bickering either way.)

And eventually it gets to the actual Ball bit of the Birthday Ball Event where they actually dance (there's an actual orchestra there now and they play very lovely music). And almost everyone asks to dance with Eichi at least once. Eichi does not want to waste his time and energy on these people who are just interested in him for his money so he always makes up something about being preoccupied or a little tired or something that gives them no other choice but to back off. Suddenly Wataru appears behind him and does a little "boo!" and Eichi didn't expect that so he startles and almost drops his glass and tells Wataru not to do that anymore at public eventshas while Wataru has to stiffle a laugh because he thinks Eichi is cute when he pretends to try to be firm with him. After he's done with his "scolding" (you can barely call it that. he was very soft on Wataru.) Wataru asks him for a dance this time and he's very chivalrous about it - he goes all out really - he kisses his hand and offers him a rose while he does a little bow and asks if he "may have this dance with the lovely star of the evening" (and oh Eichi wants to kiss him so bad right then and there but in a room full of people that are worse than a committee of vultures that is very much not an option). Of course he agrees and they move to the dance floor and suddenly a Lot of eyes are on them because Eichi Tenshouin, whom a good chunk of pursuers have already given up on - because let us be real. It will never happen. The man hasn't shown interest in anyone at any moment in time and lives together with the Himemiya heir and his butler as far removed from the rest of the aristocracy as one would be able to - is waltzing with this masked stranger and it becomes very obvious very quickly that Eichis constant declining of dance offers was not for a lack of expertise because those two look breathtaking together.

Eichi actually dips Wataru once and some people wish they had hired an artist to paint the scene (because I'm a sap and wataei is beautiful I don't care I'm being self indulgent here)). And they talk but nobody can understand what because of the loud music and they curse the orchestra - which is still playing very lovely music (it's heavenly really) - for it.

After their dance is over Eichi goes back to declining every dance offer he gets with the excuse he's exhausted and needs to rest a little before he can dance again (the "I don't wish to dance with you" is implied and in the room but most people chose to ignore it to spare their ego and decide to take him at face value) and Wataru disappears to somewhere, nobody really knows where but somehow he's nowhere to be found. Until he sneaks up to Eichi a second time and does the whole "Boo!" thing again and Eichi almost drops his glass yet another time and as he turns around to "scold" Wataru again Wataru shushes him and takes Eichis, who is more confusedd than anything by now, hand and sneaks out of the ballroom with him.

Eichi asks where they are going and Wataru doesn't answer he just keeps walking and Eichi decides to just trust the process and suddenly they're on the Balcony again, not a cloud in the sky and the only sounds to be heard are the muffled instrumentals from the orchestra that started playing their next piece. The only lightsource being the moonlight reflected by the new years snow. And Wataru turns around, he's not wearing a mask anymore, and he does his little bow and kisses Eichis hand, hands him a rose he had appear from nowhere - a white one this time - and does his entire "May I have this dance with the lovely star of the evening" spiel again. It's the same routine really but it's different somehow. More intense. Because he says it with more sincerity than he did when they were around more people. And Eichi doesn't even have to reply before he finds himself whisked into this waltz yet again, somehow in the leading position. And then they dance and they dance and it's just the two of them, the stars as their only witnesses. And as the orchestra finishes their piece and the music fades out Eichi dips Wataru again and they kiss and it is so sappy and they are so so so so sappy.

They stay out on the balcony a little while longer but they retreat back inside rather timely seeing as it is still january and the night and as the following consequence of those two circumstances actually pretty cold and they'd both rather Eichi not get sick (he already got Watarus coat but then they'd also both like it very much if Wataru also didn't get sick either so they migrate back into the empty, dimly lit hallways of the mansion rather quickly)

(meanwhile at the actual ball people have noticed Eichi missing and started to ask questions, poor Yuzuru has to repeatedly tell people Eichi probably retreated into his quarters already, seeing as it is rather late and he was rather tired "Please excuse the young master for his failing in notifiying the other guests, he told me he didn't wish to interrupt the nice atmosphere and preferred to leave unnoticed".)

After the festivities died down Yuzuru and Tori go to check up on Eichis room because he's been gone without any notice and it would probably be useful to know if their kind-of-roommate just went away to fool around with that strange bard man they've been seeing sneaking around their mansion from time to time that Eichi seems to be oddly fond of or if the should actually be worried about his well-being. After they knock and get no reply Yuzuru just opens the door and he and Tori are both greeted with the view of Eichi asleep in his bed and next to him the also seemingly fast asleep figure of Wataru who's braid got considerably more lose during the course of the evening and who's also seemingly wearing some of Eichis sleepwear.

They both decide they have seen enough they do neither need nor wish to see more. Yuzuru, who has been in this situation before doesn't even have it in him anymore to react in a specific way. He just lets out this big sigh because he doesn't get paid enough for all of this as he directs Tori out of the room. Tori who has not been in this situation before has a Lot of questions now because he doesn't know this man but he's apparently closer to Eichi than most other people and he doesn't know how to feel about that but happy is probably not it.

(The following day Eichi has to listen to a (rightfully) disgruntled Yuzurus passive-agressive-yet-somehow-still-very-polite-sounding-Yuzuru-complaints about him just disappearing like that and leaving it to Yuzuru to take care of his mess (Eichi promises him to make up for it and that if Yuzuru has any favour to ask he's very welcome to come to Eichi about it). Tori really wants to ask about the strange man Eichi was so involved with but between not really getting a word in while Eichi and Yuzuru are talking and not really knowing how to take the exceedigly good mood Eichi is in (he's had "A very nice evening". With utmost certainty it was for reasons other than him actually enjoying the mingling witht the high society at social function he was obligated to host, Tori guesses), he kind of clinks out here and decides to simply take matters into his own hands when he gets the chance.)

#never let me write anything about them ever again #this got so long again I really just wrote my heart out huh #can you believe I actually researched flower language for this #in the middle I remembered that January is actually really cold at night so maybe I should switch up my approach a little #hm. did that work out? I have no idea #I kind of blacked out somewhere in the middle #Hiyori could've been in this idk he was there too somewhere with Jun or something #Eden attended the event but they're unimportant right now #can you tell I love fairytales by the way I feel like that got a little obvious throughout this entire AU #oh I should make a tag for this I'm actually rather fond of my embarrassing cringefail wataei au rambles #Btw when Wataru comes back home he's also in a very good mood and the elderly inn-keeper couple tease him about it #I've gotten very soft about that little thing that started as a side bit initially #those are his parents now they looked at this guy that has been occupiying this one room for a Long while #and that pays his rent by doing shows for the guests or helping in the kitchen or generally just helping around #some things are just easier when you're young and energetic #and they looked at him and his birds and went ''You're a little strange and off putting but you're part of the family now''#this is way less profound than the first one it's suuuper self indulgent and a little lame but I like indulging from time to time #head in hands i really like wataei #wataei #OH! wait there's symbolism in the dance scene (the second one)#the rest is just me being silly #yumefan🎼🌠#Wataru could wear Eichis clothes no problem I think thats so neat #because they're the same height and it's been said Wataru can pass perfectly for a woman so I assume he has more of a slim frame #chances are Eichis clothes sit loser on him than on Eichi i think that's a little funny #the possibility is there is all I'm saying #<- tag until i figure something out that sounds nicer #Märchen au

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