#you can't really write this stuff away
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Emotionally, 23.5 (episode 10) is like a cheaply made puzzle, where like, the edges are cut roughly, so like, you THINK that you have the right pieces next to each other, but when you smush them in, and they don't fit QUITE smoothly enough, you're like, oh maybe there's another piece, but like, you CAN'T find another piece that works, because like, the piece you have in your hand IS the piece that is the right one for the picture you're making, or like, you THINK it is, so like, you keep smushing the pieces together, and you THINK the puzzle makes sense, but you kinda feel like you have the wrong piece, or worse, you're MISSING A BETTER PIECE, because everything's NOT QUITE JIVING.
I hope this post made as much sense as the emotional journey we attempted to take with the script in this last episode. What the FUCK is this script doing to Ongsa? A little more context, some smoother edges, would be really helpful here!
#what the fuck#all of a sudden ongsa's unexplained shit comes back#are we gonna get another i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry for the next episode?#and wave away all the need for more explanation again?#you can't really write this stuff away#we need to know why we need to cheer for these characters hello!#23.5 degrees#23.5#23.5 degrees the series#23.5 the series#milklove#milk pansa#love pattranite#ongsasun#ongsa x sun#sun x ongsa#i'm gonna fucking say it because it's friday and i know it's not related but#i miss inkpa.#so lame but true to what i'm feeling right now#we got like maybe what 15 minutes of inkpa total? 10 MINUTES?#maybe 20 total including our skyy 2 if we were lucky?#and we got way more a story with inkpa including tons of insight into pa's dumbass parents#come on#by episode 11 we need to know why ongsa would be fearful of being out in front of her family#it's too late in the series to find out about this#because a point of the story would be that we'd go through her journey of confronting her insecurities duh!!!#wow i'm mad
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STAY OFF MY TERRITORY - Time Travel in Lore Olympus (feat. Springlock, our resident time traveller)
AH YES. TIME TRAVEL. BUILDING COFFEE TABLES FROM IKEA. BOTH A MESS, BOTH SOMETHING YOU SHOULD NEVER ATTEMPT EVEN AS A GAG.
THERE WILL BE FASTPASS SPOILERS IN THIS ANALYTICAL DISSECTION OF LORE OLYMPUS' TIME TRAVEL !!!
Let's establish the "time travel" in LO first of all - it's briefly introduced by Hecate, who says that Hades isn't in a 'where' but a 'when' , hahahaha i so love time travel jokes /s THIS ISN'T A LAUGHING MATTER-
We had already covered this in the criticisms that Kronos' 'dream comas' would have been better allocated to his time travel abilities, and it seems now Rachel is trying to make that a reality at the last possible minute. I'm going to completely tear apart that reality to present to you why it doesn't work in LO.
Aw, Kronos' time abilities are finite? Get on my level, sir.
The caveat is the existential toll that time travel takes on the jumper, and the fact that in most cases, it's impossible to perform due to paradoxes. And Lore Olympus' time travel presents a lot of paradoxes. No wonder Kronos went crazy, I'm going crazy just thinking about everything that's wrong with this.
So Hades is trapped 'somewhere' in time. This isn't something I haven't seen before, but the issue it presents is getting someone back to their present time, as it presents the first paradox -
PARADOX #1 - There are no accidents. If someone is to jump into a timeline outside of their own, even if by 'accident', that would still have to be predestined by the timeline itself. This is in line with the grandfather paradox, which I will let the almighty Google define for us all to keep things brief:
You cannot travel back in time 'by accident'. If you were to travel back in time, it would have been written into the script of reality already, so any effects caused by your jumping would be purposeful, even if they seem like 'accidents' to you - such as becoming your own grandfather, Philip J Fry.
Moving on, in the most recent FastPass episode, Melinoe reveals that she was taken from her timeline by Kronos.
PARADOX #2 - Which version of Kronos took her? Was it the present version travelling into the future to take her from her timeline into his present? Or was it some future version of Kronos who has escaped yet again at some point in the future and then travelled back into the past to interfere with the events of the current present, possibly in an attempt to rewrite the script? If it's the latter, this means that Hera and Persephone can't feasibly stop Kronos indefinitely, as to stop Kronos would mean that he wouldn't exist in the future to take Melinoe from her future timeline and thus this present timeline of events would cease to exist. If we want to get even more granular with it, 'present' Kronos is still 'past' Kronos as it's the Kronos from ten years ago who got his hands on a deity to help him mess with people's dreams, and that deity has been revealed to be Melinoe, who would have had to be ripped from some point in their future timeline. This falls in line with a temporal paradox, or as most people know it, the 'kill baby Hitler' paradox, which designates that one cannot go back in time to kill baby Hitler, as killing baby Hitler would remove all the subsequent events that would lead up to you deciding to build a time machine and go back in time to kill baby Hitler.
Melinoe claims she's only been here a few days. That would be all well and good, as time is funny like that - I've done my fair share of jumps into the distant past only to return a few minutes later - but what doesn't line up is the present timeline of events that would only work unless she's actually been trapped for longer than a few days.
PARADOX #3 - So it's only been a few days, but Hades and Persephone have known about this child trapped in Tartarus for weeks, and we know Kronos has had her since the dream diving arc back near the end of S2. So unless Kronos is simply jumping to different points in time to cause shenanigans - which leads to even MORE paradoxes as you feasibly cannot travel to your own past to change it due to it creating a different future - then it can't have only been a 'few days' for Melinoe, it would have been at least a few weeks, giving some wiggle room to the past events of her appearing before Hades in his dreams due to her being the goddess of nightmares. Kronos escaping Tartarus after using Melinoe to put people to sleep and possess them was not something that happened in a pocket dimension, it was very real and very present.
Hades commits an even bigger sin, however, and the biggest issue with this 'time travel' plotline:
PARADOX #4 - I truly hope 'home' means 'home point in her timeline' and not their literal home. Hades and Persephone cannot take Melinoe, for two reasons: they haven't had their daughter yet, and the future timeline versions of Hades and Persephone need their daughter back. If Hades and Persephone were to adopt this version of Melinoe in their present timeline, it would create a clone paradox, as they would have a duplicate Melinoe from the future, OR it would create the grandfather paradox if they opted not to try for a child knowing they already have Melinoe which would erase the whole sequence of events that led to future Melinoe's birth in the first place.
Ultimately Lore Olympus' time travel suffers from the same issue many time travel stories suffer from - not having consistent rules. It is choosing now , near the finale of the series, to introduce time travel, rather than establishing it back in Season 1 when Kronos was first hinted at. It's also still not clear in what Hades' role is in this, as him being taken to a 'when' could still be read as a dream sequence rather than actual time travel. After all, Kronos supposedly "exhausted" his time travelling powers centuries ago - surely as a way for Rachel to have her cake and cover for the fact that she's had Kronos in the series since S1 and never actually had him do what he's known for - but now she's trying to eat it too by just giving him his time travel powers again for no reason besides rewriting the dream diving finale from S2 but with ambiguous time travel instead.
It's all a huge mess and the best thing I can do for myself is simply not let it keep me up at night. I have enough time travelling problems to worry about as it is. I will be sticking to the Austin Powers method -
youtube
(I am not enjoying myself.)
#keep your hands OFF time travel rachel#you can't even tell a coherent LINEAR story and you think you can do TIME TRAVEL ???#she's deadass just using this as a last minute crutch to make up for her piss poor writing#it's really easy for people to just go “well yknow timey wimey stuff!!!!” to handwave away every single plothole and inconsistency#lore olympus critical#lo critical#anti lore olympus#ask me anything#ama#anon ama#anon ask me anything#Youtube
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why the fuck did i write about birds this fucking sucks. i just found out birds only sleep for a few minutes at a time, hundreds of times a day. do you know what this is going to do to my structure? the logistics of their road trip? this is already like three days late and i've been fighting for my life to get A Plot Like Any Plot That Makes Sense out and now the birds fucking sleep for 5 minutes at a time.
#i should've just bailed and written another story when i had the chance#i'm not joking i've never fought a fiction piece this hard before. usually because i'm not writing for specific deadlines#and not a piece so big. and not one that's gonna be workshopped. i wanna blow them away but if things keep going the way they are everyone'#gonna tell me the pacing sucks and it feels pointless and the characters feel really confused. I KNOW. I KNOW THAT. FUCKK#i'm the type to do about 15 passes before i let someone see my 'first draft' and i'm just not gonna be able to do that if i want to get it#in time for a workshop. every day i delay is making things harder for my classmates y'know?? but i've been writing like 1k words a day#and it's still not done. GUHH#I DON'T LIKE WRITING THESE CHARACTERS THAT MUCH THEY'RE NOT FUNNY OR ENDEARING AND THAT'S MY LIKE.#MAIN SKILL AND VIBE WITH SHORT STORY DUOS. BUT NOOOO I HAD TO MAKE THEM DIFFERENT CUZ I WAS SICK OF DOING#THE SAME DYNAMIC OVER AND OVER. BITCH THIS IS YOUR FINAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TRIED AND TRUE GETS THE BLUE (RIBBON)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#head in my hands head in my hands head in my hands head in my hands head#going to work on it some more. fuckk#the voices aren't consistent and i'm trying to make it clear that this is toxic bird yuri and not a mother/daughter thing but the maternal#themes are kind of fucking with that but they're important and i don't wanna get rid of them but it feels forced cuz im forcing it#sigh. i'm gonna have to cut the yuri. these two don't work romantically at all. what a waste of time.#i watched the entirety of mnthly girls' nozaki-kun in the past two days while avoiding writing. did you know that? the lengths to which i'l#go? anyway it was fun i appreciate fellow creative agony and i uh never knew how they did screen tones and wasn't expecting that somehow#so i learned something new (hooray). anyway back to. fucking. bird story stuff#i'm so mad i hate these two (<- lying. just pissy) i hate this story (<- mostly exaggerating. throwing a tantrum)#eughhhhhh i just wanna lie on the floor and cryyyyyyyyyy (<- completely deadpan irl. not That upset just kind of sick of shit)#i'm so burnt out and it's only gonna get worse. ughh#why can't someone just come in and write it for meeeeeeeeeeheheuhhh (<- would hate that)
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What's p/p?
Ah, I meant to say, pp, Psycho-Pass. I usually add slashes to avoid unprompted rambles to show up in main tags, sorry if that resulted confusing.
I love Psycho-Pass. I already made a post about why bsd fans might find it enjoyable, but honestly, there's so much more to it beyond what it has in common with bsd.
The prompts for reflection this series offers are just wonderful: on the relationship between citizens and government, on pervasive systems, on freedom of choice and free will, on safety vs. freedom, on discrimination of minorities and creation of scapegoats, on propaganda and brainwashing, on the increasing and treacherous presence of technology in everyday life, on how government uses technology to control and manipulate people, on fighting the system from the inside vs. fighting the system from the outside. I should watch it again too. It's crazy good.
Akane Tsunemori - the coprotagonist of the first season, the protagonist of the second season and overall the true core and heart of the franchise - is one of the most complex and beautiful characters I ever met. Her growth and character development is truly amazing: the way she starts off as unknowing and naïve, and grows so so much from there; how her writing finds this perfect balance between becoming more mature / hardening and staying true to her beliefs - even when everyone, the system, the people she relies to, the people she looks up to - tell her that there's no other way, that it can't be. It's breathtaking. She is a breathtaking character. The way alone that no matter how conscious and aware she becomes of how cruel the world is, how unredeemable people are, how beyond saving the system is, she still keeps believing in humans… It may sound cliché by itself, but believe me, it's wonderfully executed, and her character is truly amazing. Not to mention, the way she mirrors the coprotagonist Kougami is fabulous, but this is not really about him; she's an amazing character of her own right, and I will die on this hill.
The female cast in general is all amazing honestly. Don't get me wrong, the male characters are just as complex and multilayered (and I LOVE Gino and Kou, how couldn't I), but that's… Something we're more accustomed to, while finding well written female characters is objectively much harder. Female characters in Psycho-Pass aren't written as female characters, they're written as people, just as much as their male counterparts are. They have their fears and hopes and strengths and weaknesses just like any other character. I love Yayoi for being strong and coolheaded. I love (LOVE) Shion for being her fabulous self, kind and flirty and confident and with an heart so big, and for her subverting the trope of guy in the chair by being a glamorous woman who's also incredibly competent at her job of analyst. I love Akane's friends and I don't like season 3 but Mai is genuinely awesome and a joy every time she's on screen. I love Risa so much I could die, I love how strong and independent she is, I love the dilemmas she had to face, I love her choices and how they might have been the wrong ones and how it still haunts her, I love the tragedy of her character in general, I love the doomed friendship that used to be between her Gino and Kou. I love love love Fredrica, I love her being bossy and confident, diligent and determined. There's just a lot of… Strong and independent women in Psycho-Pass, and it's not just a way of saying, they really are.
I LOVE women loving other women, canonly, on screen. The confirmation may be delegated to a small moment in the last episode of the first season, but the fact that it's still there nonetheless, and how it confirms that all the previous moments and exchanges were indeed moments and didn't leave it to ambiguity… It's nice, to say that the first season of Psycho-Pass came out in 2012. And you might have to wait eight years, three seasons, five movies for it, but the phrase “I just want to go outside, dine somewhere nice, and go for walks with someone I love” may make it worth it.
And I LOVE how all the leader positions are filled by women. It's a little funny, honestly, in the best way– despite what I made it look like so far, the Psycho-Pass cast is still men-dominated (or at least a pretty equally split 50/50?); yet all the leader positions are always filled by women: Akane and Mika and Kasei and Frederica and Karina, it's always women.
Also, Mika is a brilliant character. Of course I love her. I'm so so sorry for how much hate and criticism she gets (over being a purposely annoying character! Insane! When Dazai exists!), when she does really and excellent job at conveying “look! A fucked up brainwashed individual in a fucked up brainwashing environment! I wonder how that could have happened!”. Not to mention that her growth, her long and devious way to admitting that the system is flawed, is truly well made, too. Unpopular opinion, characters with big flaws, characters who are unsufferable and make lives impossible to everyone around them, characters who mess up again and again, are actually great to watch.
Again, don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore Gino and Kou too ahah. They're both great!! But that you can probably see by your own. Gino in particular used to be my favourite, how his character does a total 180° turn. I love to see men admit their mistakes and make the choice to be better tomorrow.
About that, the relationships between the characters are AMAZING. Especially the main trio Akane / Kou / Gino, all the combinations within it are beautiful and deep and brilliant, so so enjoyable to explore and with their fair share of canon content, while still never straying to romantic territory (I mean, Akane/Kou may be going in that direction, but if that's true, that's the slowest slow burn I've ever witnessed in my life).
What's more. The world building / general premise - a dystopian world, where your predisposition to do crime can be measured and the government makes use of such technology to monitor and control the population and guarantee everyone's safety - is genuinely interesting and compelling. The aesthetic is genuinely cool (AH, now that I think about it, I've got my unfair bias for people in suits, and pp has a LOT of people in suits… ). The opening and endings feature great artists like Egoist, Ryo, Who-ya Extended and Cö shu Nie, so you're sure to love them!!
(Also, Psycho-Pass is something I used to spend entire nights talking about with a friend, and I'm always thinking about her and hold her tight to my heart in every moment so. That's worth mentioning for me, pfffttt. I love my friend so much.)
Finally, because the other Psycho-Pass post I made here keeps haunting me for the lack of trigger warnings, please be aware: Psycho-Pass DOES have trigger warnings. Pretty much for eveything you can think of. Sexual assault and gore and body horror on the top of my mind, but it's quite dark and gritty at parts in its entirety, so please please keep that in mind if you decide to pick it up.
Well, this is the end of my Psycho-Pass love letter for now. Please give it a chance if you can! I'll go rewatch it now. General watch order, in order of release, is season 1 → season 2 → movie → Sinners of the System movie trilogy → season 3 → First Inspector movie → Providence movie. I don't really like the third season or First Inspector movie (the characters are still great tho, even the newly introduced ones), and I've yet to watch Providence. The first season later came out with an extended edition of added scenes between episodes, and they're quite nice, so if you can't get ahold of it, you might want to look up for a compilation of the missing scenes still.
#Me: Psycho-Pass is great! I need to explain people why it's great by exposing different and various aspects of it!#My brain: WOMENWOMENWOMENWOMENWOMEN#To be fair that's just what b/sd did to me lol. I didn't use to pay much attention to it before...#Until it (good female characters writing) was taken away from me#people asks me stuff#Following up ask me what klk stands for so I can rant about it lmao#Although K/ill la K/ill is like. Media literacy level: extreme.#You really have to think it through to get why it's so good–#and the apparent unsuspectable fanservice that doesn't have anything to it doesn't help the case.#(Unless you wonder if the constant fanservice ties with the theme of “women will never be free of objectification of their own bodies–#because that's something coming from how other people decide to view them and thus is out of their control.#The only way to truly be free is to stop giving the things you can't control importance and act noncaring and independent from them–#while you keep fighting for your right to make your own choices in society.#All using as a commentary on how clothing is both women's nightmare‚ something they both desperately hate and yet rely on for strength‚#their biggest weapon‚ their greatest confinement‚ their closest friend and worst enemy.#Ultimately‚ true freedom will not be reached when others stop viewing women as an object for their own pleasure‚#but when women accept themselves and their body and their appearance‚ even naked‚ paying no mind to how others see them.”)
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#edel vents#disclaimer: really personal issues in the tags. also wishes of death upon others. this is PROBABLY too much information tbh...#so if you're not up for it scroll down fast!!!! the deluge is coming!!!#today was... eventful. bad. also very bad. grandma's birthday celebration was today#and while she... definitely has Old People Issues (racist) shes also very lonely since the death of my grandfather so i can't really not go#i'm the only one who really visits her regularly to begin with#aside from the... very serious racism issue... she's “alright”. i guess. but that's besides the point. there's family there#and among those... my parents. which i don't like to talk to#discovered they threw more of my old stuff away. typical. wanted to strangle them. as usual.#had to “talk” with my mother (read: spend approximately ten seconds reciting exactly why i *don't* talk to her anymore)#so that whole ordeal completely soured my mood.#went home tired. can't really do anything right now.#at least the food was good i guess. but i also really want to cry... which i can't. which sucks.#...i really like to think i've improved as a person. i used to be really hateful of everything and everyone#worst of all myself. still kinda do but i'm... getting better..?#i like to think i've grown past most of it but every time i see my parents i feel this gripping at my heart. as if i haven't really changed#as if instead i'm still the hateful person i “always was” deep down... bc there's this visceral joy that i feel whenever i'm mad at them.#when i looked at my mother and told her how much i despise her i felt a shiver of happiness. righteousness.#to be clear: i do NOT care for her. at all. she's the worst person on this earth#and the only person whom my philosophy of “nobody deserves to die” does NOT apply to. i'm not scared of hating her.#she genuinely deserves this. but...every time i see my parents - and thus her... i feel as if i'm slipping back into that mindset of hatred#i don't want that. not anymore. it consumed me whole. i was a horrible person back then and i've caused so much grief for so many#i can't let go of this hatred. i can't forgive them. they don't deserve my forgiveness anyway. but i'm tired of hating.#i'm tired of letting that hatred define me. i'm tired of letting that hatred direct me. i'm tired of letting it bring me to ruin.#i'm tired of being who i was. i'm no longer “that”. i'm edel now and i'm happy for people now. if i don't like something i just walk out.#i can just leave. “if it sucks hit the bricks” right?.. but i didn't. i had to say it. i had to tell them. her. and i liked it.#and... i'm scared of that. because it tells me i haven't improved.#i'm not sure what i'm expecting out of posting this i guess. maybe help. maybe i wanna be told that this is normal or something.#maybe i just want to get my thoughts in order. i don't know. i'm gonna stop writing now.#sorry for making you read all this. thanks for doing it anyway. tags were cut off on this one btw so it may look like a mess. but. yeah.
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#for some reason tiktok has showed me a lot of videos from a hospice nurse today and what was my first fucking thought?!?!?!?!#a simi story#listen up my fucked up brain i won't fucking write sad stories. no fucking way. do dying no sad end no no no.#and now i'm sitting here crying over these videos while i should pack my stuff for tomorrow to move away#i don't even know how this nurse's page ended up on my for you page when i only watch f1 makeup and graphic design videos#i hate these emotional rolecoasters#like... carlos on pole today = happiness and positivity and i don't let anyone to fuck up my mood i even eat one of my fave foods because#this was my last full day at home and now i'm sitting on my bed after i cried my eyes out and i'm just sad and scared#for some reason all day i was thinking about wanting to write a short little something for myself with one of my fave topics as comfort but#then i didn't write it because i don't want people to think i'm obsessed with that topic or something and i didn't really have the#motivation to write because after writing for prompts this summer it's really hard to write without prompts i mean like without someone#waiting for the story and without someone requesting it#i want to write cute stories and i want to write about that one topic over and over again but it's so difficult because... i can't not#care about what people might think if they saw i have like five stories about it or so and i want more#i sometimes don't know what to do with my thoughts and emotions#my useless posts
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I really recommend familiarizing yourself with the way the eBay AI talks in your language if you buy there a lot. It's very useful if you can tell if a product description is generated by a bot because it often makes things up or describes things in exaggeratedly positive terms. Also a bot description is based only on the title and the product info that is already visible above the actual description (and what it thinks it can infer from these), so you know right away the description won't offer any new information and you don't have to read it. I recognize the bot by its writing style now and it helps.
You can familiarize yourself by pretending you want to sell something, writing a fake title and so on, and then just playing around with the AI.
#ebay#i really can't wait for this hype to be over#and we can start thinking rationally about what ai can actually be used for#instead of just throwing ai at everything in panic#bc a lot of people are so desperatedly afraid of missing out on a trend#that they will ruin their product in order to not seem old-fashioned#without actually understanding what they're doing#using ai product descriptions on ebay doesn't even save ebay any money#it does not communicate any additional info#and it makes product descriptions less accurate and less informative#also you can usually infer stuff about the seller from how they write their descriptions#and that goes away if they use ai#it's a clear net negative
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cyberpunk organised crime ring espionage with sexy demons
lmao... something tells me they wouldn't quite fit together.
#what does the chaos mirror see#anon#time flows differently in the queue#forgive me for rambling in the tags here but. the rot Consumes me#when i say cyberpunk i guess it's technically scifi since it takes place on another planet#but in addition to loving d&d and vampire the masquerade i'm also a big fan of shadowrun#the premise is that mc is a corporate espionage agent who has to seduce their way into a gang of criminals annoying your corpo masters#the planet has a wild orbit that takes it far away from the sun and through an asteroid belt for roughly the half the year#it's a miserable time; there's no sunlight and transports can't land because of the asteroids so the planet is basically on its own#so all the rich people leave during that period and it basically becomes anarchy and chaos as everything turns to lawlessness when they go#until they clear the asteroid belt and the corps send in their private armies to re-establish order via gunfire#both the corps and the gangs know that you can make a hell of a lot of money during this period by doing standard shadowrun crime stuff#but one gang has really been cheesing your corp's onions and they don't know How so they send you to seduce your way in and find out#you pick one of the ROs as a likely mark in the prologue and then it skips forward almost a year to just before the planet goes dark again#so it's like. you still haven't figured it out but also you've been fake-dating this person for nearly a year#i just wanted to write something with. that kind of more complicated relationship dynamic of a longer-term relationship already in place#anyway naturally you get to decide in the end if you destroy the gang or betray your corporate masters lmfao#shadowrun *jazzhands*#i know i said i was keeping myself from pitching RO ideas but. one of them i already decided on is a butch lesbian with a shotgun#she's their driver and is covered in tattoos lmao#also there's a guy who's a spy from a Different corp#anyway yes. Sorry about this
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the thing about being the only neurodivergent person in your friend group is that whenever you have to make a group decision, if you have to go against the group because of acessibility, you're going to loose.
My friends and I are going to watch a movie this month and everyone wants to watch it dubbed and I'd rather with subtitles. Why? 1) because people can be very loud and if someone is talking next to me and there's no subtitles, I will miss part of the movie and won't understand what's happening. 2) I think I might have some of that audio processing stuff cause I swear when I watch stuff dubbed it takes me so long to understand what's going on without a subtitle, I will miss important plot points or characters names and it won't be a good experience and since dubbed movies don't come with subtitles, I just get lost. 3) When the sounds get too much to me, at least I can focus on the writing to follow along
But because my friends don't like watching things subtitled, I lost in the vote and when my friend said the cinema we chose only had dubbed I reacted with a crying sticker and someone very aggresively was like "girl if you want to watch it subtitled go watch alone cause no one here wants to" and then I had to fucking explain that man, I'm going to go watch it dubbed cause i'm not gonna make anyone watch it subtitled.
'cause unlike neurotypicals, I'm used to having to be unconfortable for their fucking sake.
And it's like, if I try to explain, it's always like well you can handle it y'know, my needs get dismissed as nothing because why would everyone else bend and break for me when I can just "take it"? Like if dubbed movies just came with subtitles, my life would be so. much. easier. It's why I'm okay with watching stuff dubbed AT HOME, cause I can put the subtitles anyways.
I'm lucky enough that I managed to convince people to not sit all the way in the back (they wanted to sit in the last motherfucking seats, which are closer to the sound machines which means that everything is way worse for me and also, even with glasses, my eyesight is still gonna be worse all the way in the back when compared to like, the middle row).
#vent#and like i get annoyed because i'm always met with#well i don't like subtitled movies cause i can't focus on the writing and the movie at the same time#and i'm like girl listen i get it i really do sometimes subtitles can get in the way#but if you watch it enough times you get used to it#you learn to read them and watch the movie at the same time#and boy i hate it even more when i'm watching it dubbed at home and then mom complains that i want to put the subtitles as well#like bitch i'm already doing it a way i don't like#let me at least make it easier for me#and also nothing against dubbing but im gonna be honest#yes stuff does get lost with dubbing#and i mean important stuff#like EEAAO dubbed they cut away all of the cantonese#so that whole part is just...lost#so much so that when evelyn calls the other girl girlfriend in cantonese it's just not the same#anyways...#it sucks#and if i try to explain it's cause im autistic +ADHD#well i get eye rolls#i get “you're using it too much as an excuse”#not with that group of friends but they do say that about other people#and im like damn well gonna have to mask then
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"all this foreshadowing abt declan dying and then he didn't even die" well personally i think declan got murdered dead by mstief in greywaren so. actually 2 me he did die. Badly.
#like sorry 2 to say it but also not sorry the declan i know would never do to matthew what he did in gw..#like obviously he has done some shit stuff to matthew (and ronan as well. this to mean ronan did shit stuff irt matthew as well not declan#did shit stuff to ronan. though he very much did and vice versa but like not the point here.) BUT i know he would NEVER strip matthew of his#autonomy like that and NEVER for so long. like i didn't write declan lynch as a character but also i know he wouldn't do that. that's his#baby brother........and i know he feels like matthew robbed him of his youth and his life and whoever he would've grown up to be but HE JUST#WOULD NEVER....i know this....like sorry but that is the most awful fucked up shit to do ever in the entire world. someone depends on you#and looks up to you and trusts you and you take away the thing that keeps them awake??? i'd even say the thing that essentially keeps them#ALIVE bc without a sweetmetal dreams aren't really alive they're just sleeping for eternity which is a kind of death. LIKE......#that just baffles me so much u just have to be soooooo uncaring to do that....like if he just did it in the moment of anger - snatched that#pendant off matthew's neck so he fell asleep and declan wouldn't have to deal with him anymore and then immediately afterwards was like.#what have i done this is so fucked up to do to someone. and put the pendant back on matthew. and apologized prefusely for it. that would#have still not been fine but in bouts of anger ppl do stupid desperate things that negatively affect others and it would've been#considerably less fucked up than it is now. like declan kept that pendant away for UP TO TWO DAYS. he drove the whole way back put ronan#somewhere safe carried matthew out of the car and into the house carried him upstairs into the bedroom and put him in bed went back#downstairs went outside locked the car went back into the house ate showered slept woke up ate breakfast again go through the whole day and#NOT ONCE did he think to himself oh this thing i'm doing is genuinely horrible i can't just take away someone's like. awareness. like that#& went to go 'wake' matthew????? NOT ONCE????? ARE YOU BEING SERIOUS???? NOT ONCE IN THOSE ONE AND A HALF OR TWO OR POSSIBLY MORE DAYS???#also just the whole. turning into his father thing. HARD NO. u mean the same declan who hated his father for very right reasons and hated#what he did to the entire lynch family both while he was alive and after he died the same declan that hated all the trading and buying and#selling dream things business and just that underground market in general (that btw. put the family he had left in life-threatening danger.)#the same declan who hated his father for dreaming a more perfect and loving unconditionally copy of his actual mother (rightfully so.) went#on 2 go into the exact business he always hated w/ a fiery passion?? ur also telling me he invited his father's killer to his wedding? fake.#trc#greywaren#<- needs its own tag bc i'm not putting it in the same category as call down the hawk my beloved call down the hawk.#anyway. that entire essay in the tags can be summarized w/: who declan ended up as & his entire arc is SO shit i hate it sm peace n love 🙏#as i've said before. me: mom can we have declan lynch? mom: no we have declan lynch @ home. declan lynch @ home: declan lynch in greywaren.#<<<<< full experience of reading gw. 2 me. ARGHHHH AOUGH THE POTENTIAL IT HAD THE POTENTIAL IT WASTED... IT'S ACTUALLY SO SAD....
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i feel like life right now is me trying to juggle approximately 127 different things, and none of them are life-or-death but they’re all equally important to me, so those 127 things are like simultaneous balls in the air that i am holding up while the adderall shortage makes it harder to remember what they are let alone keep from dropping them, and at this point even my to-do lists have lists which got so out of control that i stopped even keeping lists but also i’m so tired every day that i’m lucky if i get a single thing done and if i don’t set alarms then i depression-sleep for fourteen hours because oh yeah my adderall was also the only thing that helped my bipolar meds work all the way so i’m crying and thinking about everything that makes me sad 24/7 while i try to keep juggling
#...so if i owe you a reply that would be why#also i need to review the enola holmes sequel and write a huge disenchanted rant (watched that one last night)#but i don't know when i'll have the energy#today at least i did get some things done--returned stuff to a store and got my flu shot and covid booster#...i was actually out to return things and get my adderall but at least those vaccinations were also on my general to-do list#it's just a lot less stuff than i NEED to be doing#and so much of it comes down to the fact that i sleep a lot i wake up i feel so tired it's like i didn't sleep#and then i just spend the whole day waiting to go back to bed#and under those conditions it's really hard to accomplish anything else#but i genuinely can't tell how much of my exhaustion is depression-based#and how much is physical because i've felt under the weather and had weird symptoms in one way or another since the summer#and at this point it's like...my doctor brushed me off when i tried to get help in the summer so i waited like she advised#for things to improve on their own#and they haven't but i'm so tired physically and emotionally and psychologically that i can't say i have any more self-advocacy fight in me#like it's obviously bad that the alternative is me continuing to feel like i'm maybe slowly wasting away and just letting it happen#but depression makes it pretty hard to care#randomness#mental health#depression#bipolar disorder#adhd#life stuff#health#/tag abuse
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I really should update my pinned. I think I trick some people into thinking I also make a ton of ffxiv content when it's all rbs, lol. unfortunately I am a man who doesn't like taking screens much in the first place. ="_"=); and I can only write here and there. the woes of the all-encompassing blog...
eugh organization what is that
#ooc#let's not even mention how i can't really curate this as an askblog regularly so that's even less help#anyways. lost a follower! flop nation!#admin that is not a epic W your blog is a mess.#it's also funny to me i only get in the mood to do ffxiv stuff when my sub is up#kinda difficult service model here. live services my beloathed#i'd certainly like to keep writing for ffxiv but i'm far less attached to it due to mixed experiences#that being said I do like making short prompts out of it occasionally it just doesn't carry the same weight as it should#do I need a new wol...?#on second thot i think i am the coyote moot#you think it's a dog but you get closer and go oh fuck nvm and quickly drive away
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In my depressed era again <3
#for literally no reason ugh i hate it i hate it i hate it#probably a bad mix of overthinking and lovesickness again but what's new#i figured out why i like to do stuff until late at night until i fall asleep lol it's because i don't wanna be left alone with my thoughts#i guess that's why i could go such a long time without you know what... i always had lots of schoolwork to do and didn't have much time to-#-think about this kind of shit and once i don't have anything to do anymore i found myself in bed with a bleeding arm lmao#also let's call this my 'everyone i know hates me and my best friends despise me the most' era#still gonna stay up two more hours because i'm like a damn puppy who waits excitedly for their favorite person to come home from work#at this point i should maybe write all this shit in a diary but like. you know how my rambling posts start so y'all can just ignore#tldr i'm feeling like shit and i can't promise that i won't do something stupid again#i'm just too hung up on things that happened weeks ago but like what if it isn't actually ok now#also i know i'm too clingy and possessive with people i'm really close to but it's just my abandonment issues :(#and i know i fucked things up with other people (friendships and relationships) way too many times so i'm putting all i have into this one#still i feel like it's too much and too little at the same time idk i just Know when i really like someone and then i don't wanna lose them#but at the same time i often drive them away with my excessive love and attention because certain people are like some addiction to me#ok no that's too much already for now sorry#anyways i'm sobbing and shaking and feeling terrible and guilty#oh and unrelated but i nearly got run over by a car today 👍🏻 fucking hate drunk small town students in a mcd's parking lot#mel talks#tw self harm
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I WNA WRITE AAAAA
#🌙.rambles#cheesy romantic stories !!!!!!#BUT THE THING IS#i constantly deny n hide that kinda stuff#it's too embarrassing T_T but maybe i'm a bit of a tsun abt it#normally i'd just be shameless as i've always been ( esp as a kid )#BUT. I DON'T WANT ANY OF IRLS TO SEE#i use this @ on a lot of places n several irls do know my tumblr user 😭😭#i will never ever want this to be even perceived by reality in any way whatsoever#but i've always just been a dreamer like this TvT#maybe hiding it is what's been tearing me apart. even if i'm cringe then i want to at least be myself and free.#it's just rlly embarrassing. i can't rlly accept n write it properly bcs#the cut between reality/fiction for me is very defined. i'd hate if there'd be an intruder that's mess things up for /me/#n then for my original stories i have a lot of feelings and thoughts in my head but they're not really coherent n IDK HOW TO WRITE#little scenarios. i can't make sense of specific words but. THE EMOTION IN THEM. I FEEL IT BUT I CAN'T WRITE#it's like smth you think of right when you wake up (before consciousness returns properly) &#right before you sleep and dream of smth. that kind of clouded feel#a song with just melody but it has traces of lyrics you know but can't remember.#a worn out book you've somehow had all your life ( your mind your thoughts ) with the words slowly fading away in time#the stars fading away as night turns into day. but they're still there#i want to be myself i want to love myself properly and accept myself#it hurts when your own thoughts contradict each other and you're not even sure what it means to be yourself#but the answers are all in me. i still believe in myself. i'm proud of what i have achieved. that will never change#alphinaud kin !!! he's my baby boy for a reason#but urgh i rlly just want to do wtvr i want but i'm afraid of how it might affect others.#what if i unintentionally manage to hurt someone or make them anxious? T_T so then i want to hide#it's a cycle bcs i want and can do what's best for myself but anxiety gets in the way. i don't want to be a burden.#n then there's really just a mental block in my head regarding productivity efficiency n my ambitions. n my sleep sches is also fucked up#i don't 'want' others to be involved w stuff abt me. the songs i listen to. the words i write#or perhaps i'm still afraid of the vulnerability that comes with it. that level of honesty and transparency and authenticity is v idealistic
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Woah did that language learning video from the girl that learned Norwegian reawaken my Japanese fixation
#That'd be fun#Last time that happened I filled a few notebooks with kanji and vocab. It was. Pretty impressive ngl#I sucked at anything vocal and grammar and comprehention and#I did know the basics of the language I think I could maybe pass that first exam? Just barely if I'm lucky.#Vocab wise I was going into the second or even third exam#Tbh I just really liked writing the hieroglyphics and stuff#Honestly the biggest thing I have trouble with in terms of language learning is being consistent probably but a huge thing is that#I'm afraid of people judging me when say stuff from the language out loud#I HAVE gained quite a lot of self confidence from the last time I learned Japanese/that quick Spanish thing#So I'm very excited where that's gonna get me#New fixation you can't get into right away (cause job) feels like restlessness from understimulation but positive if that makes sense?#Gonna buy a thick notebook when I'm off job though#//rambles
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I see a lot of people joking about the adhd thing of "I have a appointment/phone call at 3pm, guess I won't do anything all day!"
But no one seems to make the connection that it's a time blindness thing. One of the symptoms of ADHD is not having a good and accurate sense of time. And not doing stuff prior to an event with a hard deadline is an obvious coping mechanism for that.
Can I go to the store? It's 10am and the appointment is at 3pm. How long does going to the store take? An hour? Three hours? Five hours? I DON'T KNOW!
I get anxious trying to do things before appointments because I'm aware that I don't know how long those things take, and that if I think I do, I may be very wrong. Too often I've been like "hey I can walk to the corner store and grab a drink, that'll take like 15 minutes!" and then an hour later I get back and whoops my rice has burnt.
Plus there's also the fact that ADHD people know that motivation and focus is a two-edged sword.
Like, let's say you decide to play a video game. You've got time, you can pause/save whenever, so this should be a perfect fit to make good use of your waiting-time. So you start playing and WHOOPS you get really focused for some reason today (because people with ADHD do not get to pick when their brain decides to focus) and the next time you look at the clock it's 2:49 and you haven't showered or dressed and the appointment is 30 minutes away. Fuck. (you could have set an alarm, but now you're asking people with the forgetting-things-and-time-ignoring condition to remember it set alarms)
And with motivation, it can be almost worse. Instead of playing a game, you so something useful or creative. You clean your room or fix your plumbing or write a story or draw a picture. And suddenly it's great. Your brain is firing on all cylinders. You've got all the motivation you can ask for, and you are FLYING. the ideas are brilliant, your hands are nimble, you're getting stuff done you've been putting off for weeks or months. And then the alarm goes off. Time to go to your appointment. Fuck.
You drive there, your brain still full of ideas and plans. But by the time you get back, the motivation is gone. You may still have the ideas but you don't have the drive to write them down. You can't force yourself to do it. Your sink is still in pieces. Your room is half-cleaned, and you have to shove all the sorted clothes into one big bin just so you have somewhere to sleep. You've left things half finished again, in a cycle that has been repeating your whole fucking life. It seems sometimes that nothing ever gets finished.
So next time you don't even start. There's not time. You've been burnt too many times. Why add another half-completed project to your pile of shame?
My point is that people seem to be going "lol I can't do anything all day if I have an appointment at 3pm" like this is a quirky "oh I'm so scatterbrained!" weirdness they alone have, and not a major complication of a disabling mental illness.
(and that's not even getting into the secondary effects. If you know that having an appointment ruins your whole damn day, you're going to avoid them. Even when it's things like "going to that party" or "meeting your friends for a drink/game" or "going to a movie with that cute girl from your math class". Things you should enjoy. Things that'd help you be social. Things that make you feel human.)
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