Beautifully blind

Tech x f!reader

Rating: Explicit

Wordcount: 4.6k

Summary:

Ever since you joined the Bad Batch you had your eyes on Tech, he is everything you could possibly want, soft, intelligent, caring but also strong and protective. You’ve been flirting with him for a while without any response and gave up thinking he is just not interested in you. But one day when you are left alone working on one of his modifications on the Marauder together it turns out the whole time you were speaking a language he didn’t understand.

Notes:

I really really miss Tech in S3 so I wanted to write some sweet soft smut with him. This work is inspired by “The beginners guid to Osculation” but I took things a bit further…

It’ a first time sex fic Tech x F!reader. Reader is experienced and in love with him. There is fingering, oral (f and m recieving) and unprotected sex but also a lot of fluff. It’s my first time writing Tech and a hope he is not too OOC.

You and Tech are standing in the Cockpit of the Marauder, fiddling with some cables, hanging from a wall panel, together just as Crosshair, Wrecker, and Hunter prepare for another supply run. It's been a few rotations since your arrival here, the Marauder carefully concealed in a secluded forestry patch a few klicks away from the next settlement. During this time, you've managed some much needed repairs and some of Techs planned modifications, as well as restocking on supplies. While the last supply run was a joint effort, today you and Tech decided to remain on the ship finishing his latest project and preparing for your departure, as there's little left to gather from the nearby town. Just when they're about to leave you overhear Crosshair boast to his brothers about his plans to fuck the girl from the market again, telling them they don’t need to wait for him on the way back because he’s planning to take his sweet time with her, a smug grin adorning his face, as always and a toothpick dangling in the corner of his mouth. As they make their way out Wrecker pats Crosshairs shoulder jolting him a step forward and they all burst into laughter, leaving you and Tech alone in the cockpit.

You caught a fleeting glimpse of disappointment, perhaps even a hint of sadness, in Tech's eyes at Crosshairs words and try not to think about it too much, but you can’t ignore it, you care too much about him. After silently working alongside him for a while, handing him tools and lending a hand you approach him cautiously. "Tech," you start, "I couldn't help but notice your reaction to Crosshair talking about the girl from the market. Were you... also into her?"

"What brought you to that conclusion?" he asks hesitantly, tilting his head towards you, his voice tinged with a hint of uncertainty.

"I saw your face when Crosshair mentioned her, you seemed disappointed or even sad," you say, breaking the uncomfortable silence that hung between you for a moment. He doesn't respond immediately, the weight of your observation sinking in.

To ease the tension, you quickly add, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked. It's none of my business," before turning back to continue working on the panel. After a moment, Tech sighs and let’s his arms sink down, his gaze fixed on a distant point as he gathers his thoughts.

"It's not about that particular girl," he begins, his voice tinged with vulnerability, "but rather that I have never experienced the kind of intimacy Crosshair was referring to." He pauses, struggling to articulate his feelings. "It's always my brothers that succeed in getting a woman because it is extremely difficult for me to understand the subtle signs and the body language of someone I am attracted to, even if I've did a lot of research about the topic. I have accepted it but sometimes, when they brag about their experiences it’s difficult for me"

His confession catches you off guard, and you look at him with wide eyes, trying to comprehend his revelation. "Are you saying you've never been with someone... in that way?" you ask, your voice filled with disbelief.

Tech nods solemnly. "Correct, that's exactly what I said," he confirms. The realization hits you like a blaster shot to your guts – the handsome, beautiful man before you, that you’ve been admiring for such a long time, has seemingly never had the chance to experience any kind of sexual activities, and has accepted it as his fate.

"You're telling me you're a virgin?" you blurt out, startled by the revelation.

"I don't particularly like that word, but yes, that is the proper term that would apply to me," Tech responds, his expression vulnerable yet resolute. "However, to be precise, there was one incident where my brothers tried to pair me off with a woman, but I stopped it immediately, it felt extremely uncomfortable." He pauses, reflecting on his research. "For some people, it seems to be pleasant to have casual sexual encounters, while others prefer to have an emotional connection to their sexual partner. I think the latter applies to me, it needs to be with someone I know, someone I feel safe with, and am more than just attracted to in a physical way." He admit, his vulnerability shining through as he reveals, "Someone like you," the last bit of his sentence, slipping from his lips before his mind can stop him.

You almost choke on your breath, caught off guard by Tech's unexpected confession, but a giggle escapes your lips nonetheless. However, the lighthearted moment is quickly replaced by a look of embarrassment on his face. He tries to compose himself, his words stumbling out as he apologizes, "I'm… sorry,… I shouldn't have said that. Please don't ridicule me for it. I may process moments and thoughts differently, but it does not mean that I feel any less than you." He hesitates before continuing, "You don't have to say anything. I know I would never have a chance with you,"

"Oh Tech," you respond softly, reaching out to gently touch his arm. "I've not been laughing at you. I just couldn't grasp what you were saying, and how beautifully blind we both seem to be. I've been into you since forever, literally since I became part of the crew, and I've been trying to flirt with you for months, but I thought you were just not interested in me, so I gave up and let you be, because I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable."

Tech's eyes widen in surprise at your confession. "I... I thought you were... maybe interested in Wrecker because you recently spent so much time together," he admits, his voice tinged with uncertainty.

"Oh, but that's just because Hunter wanted me to learn more about explosives, that's why, you know how bad I am with handling that kind of stuff," you explain, hoping to clear up any misunderstandings.

"Undoubtedly I see why Hunter ordered that, you almost killed us all on Onderon with that thermal detonator. I’m relieved to know you’re taking care of it” he says, adjusting his goggles to have a better look at you. You giggle gazing up at him, almost loosing yourself in his beautiful brown eyes.

“The thought never crossed my mind that someone like you would be attracted to me like that," Tech confesses, his tone tinged with self-doubt. "While I exceed my brothers in many aspects, this is a particular field where I never stood a chance against them. I see the signs, but I cannot interpret them. I observed that you've come closer to me, you are touching my arm and that your face has slightly reddened, indicating an accelerated heartbeat, but I don't know how to proceed with that information."

"Tech... stop talking," you hesitantly interject, inching a little closer to him and seeking his gaze. "Do you want to kiss me?"

Your heart races as you feel the tension building between you, his eyes locking onto yours, a sense of understanding flickering over his features.

"Yes, I would very much like that," he responds earnestly, his voice filled with anticipation. "I am positive that you already know that I am recording everything, but I want your consent if I keep recording. Will you let me?" he adds slightly nervous.

You nod in agreement, giving him the permission he seeks.

"Do you want me to kiss you, or do you want to begin?" you inquire, seeking his preference.

He pauses for a moment before expressing his desire for you to initiate the kiss and guide him.

With a soft smile, glancing up at him seeking his gaze you lean in and wrap your arms around his neck. Gently, you pull his head slightly down towards you, tilting yours upwards, eyes shut, closing the gap between your lips. It's a soft kiss, yet filled with a hunger, hoping to leave him wanting more. His lips are incredibly soft and your body starts to tingle a bit by the realization that you are really kissing Tech, it’s not another one of your daydreams, he is right here in your arms.

He doesn’t respond to the kiss, but he allows you to kiss him for a little bit longer and when you part, you notice his dilated pupils and feel the rapid beat of his heart against his chest. ”How did that feel?” you whisper, as your eyes meet, arms still wrapped around him.

"I very much enjoy how my body reacts to you, unfamiliar but very pleasant," he admits, his voice tinged with awe and slightly out of breath.

"Do you want more?" you offer selfishly, glancing up at him with a smile. He nods eagerly in response.

Encouraged, you kiss him again, now with a bit more passion. And this time he instantly responds, wrapping his arms around you and pulling you closer, his lips eagerly moving against yours. You brush your tongue against his lower lip and he opens up letting you in. You can barely control yourself anymore and when your tongues meet you feel the heat rising in your body, pooling between your legs. “Tech..” you moan softly, not parting the kiss.

Suddenly, he picks you up maneuvering you to the other side of the cockpit and onto the control panel of the Marauder. You instinctively wrap your legs around him, feeling the subtle pressure of his growing arousal against you. The intensity of the moment causes him to break the kiss, gasping for air as he tries to compose himself.

You gently cup his cheek, feeling the warmth of his skin beneath your fingertips, and ask, “Do you want to try more than just kissing?” His eyes flicker with uncertainty, and you try to voice it more clearly, “Do you want to have sex with me Tech?”

His response is eager, almost breathless, as he nods and replies, “Yes, I want.”

With a sense of anticipation coursing through you, you don’t wait any longer an swiftly discard your shirt, revealing the contours of your body to him. His gaze lingers, wide-eyed, on your bare chest, and you feel a rush of excitement at his reaction. “Touch me,” you whisper, your voice barely above a breath, inviting him to explore you further.

He hesitates, his hand trembling slightly as he reaches out, his fingers tracing the curve of your cheek before trailing down to your chest. As his fingers gently slide over your nipple, a soft gasp escapes your lips, eliciting a smile from him. “I very much like that sound,” he murmurs, his voice filled with a hint of wonder.

With a tentative question in his eyes, he asks, “Can I kiss you there?” You nod in response, a mixture of anticipation and desire coursing through you. Slowly, he leans in, his lips brushing against your skin as he trails soft kisses down your neck, lingering at the curve of your breast. Each touch sends shivers down your spine, and you can't help but let out a few more soft moans, encouraging him to continue. He slowly gets more courageous exploring you and begins to suck one of you hardened nipples into his mouth eliciting even more gasps and moans from you. It feels like he is enjoying to test what kind of sounds he can get out of you.

Trying not to break from his touch you wiggle yourself out of your pants, leaving you clad only in your little satin panties, grateful that you put one of the nicer ones on this morning. His eyes widen with a mixture of excitement and nervousness as he takes in the sight of you before him, his gaze roaming over your exposed skin, drinking in every curve and contour.

“Explore my body, Tech,” you urge him, your voice filled with longing. His fingers trace over your skin, trailing along the inside of your thighs, hesitating slightly as they brush over the soaked fabric of your panties, already dampened by your arousal. "I studied some publications about female arousal," he begins, his voice laced with curiosity, "telling from the level of wetness I assume you enjoy this a lot. Is it because you haven’t been with someone in a while? I understood that once you tried and enjoyed sexual activities, it can become something of a need?"

A soft chuckle escapes your lips at his earnestness, and you reply, "It’s not because I need it, Tech. It’s because I want it, because I want you. Your touch and your kisses caused that."

"Interesting," he remarks, his tone thoughtful as if he's processing the information. At your instruction, he carefully removes your panties, his excitement undeniable as he takes in the sight of you naked body before him. His gaze roams over you, exploring every inch of your nakedness, before he drops to his knees to get a better view.

"Touch me," you encourage him, leaning over the control panel, pressing a button to seal the entrance to the cockpit, just in case the others come back earlier than expected. With eager anticipation, he trails his fingers over your slick folds, the slightest touch sending shivers of pleasure through you. He slides one finger between your outer lips, gently parting them, his movements cautious yet purposeful, and he asks, "Is that ok?"

"You don’t have to ask for my consent anymore, Tech," you reassure him, your desire evident in your voice. "I want this. I want you."

With that assurance, he very carefully begins to slide a finger into you, and you moan softly at the sensation, encouraging him to continue. Another finger follows suit, and he begins to move hesitantly, exploring the depths of your warm core. It feels incredible, his touch igniting a fire within you that threatens to consume you entirely.

So many months you had spent fantasizing about something like this, but after he didn’t react to your flirting attempts you gave up and now you are here, completely naked, spread all over the control panel, with Tech between your legs and his fingers pushing into you.

He curls his fingers up, finding that sweet, soft spot that sends waves of extra strong pleasure coursing through your body and you can't help but cry out his name. His touch is intoxicating, each movement bringing you closer to the edge of an orgasm.

Feeling yourself on the brink, you gasp, "Tech, I won’t last long if you keep doing that." He hesitates for a moment, unsure what to do, but you encourage him to continue. "No, it’s good. I just… you will make me cum very quickly if you keep doing that," you assure him, your voice filled with desire.

Surprised but delighted by your response, Tech eagerly returns to his attention to your core. "Oh, I would love to give you an orgasm if you let me," he admits, his enthusiasm undeniable. You nod “Please” and with your consent, he thrust back into you, his fingers moving with purpose and determination.

Leaning in closer, he focuses his attention on your clit, his tongue adding a new dimension to the pleasure. It's a revelation, the intensity building with each thrust of his fingers, you cant believe he’s never done that before, but then again he is the man that knows everything.

You feel your body tensing up already and it takes only a few more flicks of his tongue against your clit before you cum. Stars shatter before your eyes and it feels incredibly good to ride out your orgasm on his fingers, your body trembling with the force of your release. You moan his name, lost in the pleasure pulsing through you, your head thrown back, eyes rolling in bliss.

Looking up at you in awe, Tech savors the sight before him. He's completely captivated by the way your body responds to his touch, determined not to miss a single moment of it.

After you slowly descend from the heights of your orgasm, he carefully slides his finger out of you and rises to his feet, standing before you. You lean up and press your lips to his. "Do you want me to explore your body?" you inquire, and he eagerly nods in response. You gracefully slip from the control panels, your eyes locked on him as he swiftly sheds his armor with practiced hands. When he's down to the bottom of his blacks, you gently guide him backward into the pilot's seat, a silent invitation for him to surrender to your touch.

You approach him with a mix of excitement and tenderness, fully aware that this is his first experience and taking care not to overwhelm him. You position yourself between his legs, one hand trailing over his chest and you leave a few heated kisses on his neck before you kneel down, your eyes lock with his, offering reassurance. "Relax, Tech. Let me take care of you," you say softly.

With a slow and deliberate hand, you begin to undo his pants, revealing his evident arousal. Your gaze flickers to his cock, noting its impressive length and girth, feeling a surge of desire as you prepare to pleasure him. Slowly taking him into your mouth, you start with gentle movements, savoring the taste of him as you explore each inch of his beautiful thick cock.

Tech's breath catches in his throat as you work him, his fingers tightening on the armrests. "Do you like how it feels?" you murmur, your voice a soft hum against his sensitive skin. He manages to nod, his expression a mix of pleasure and wonder as you continue.

Adjusting your pace, you find a rhythm that suits him, teasing and tantalizing as you build his arousal. With each movement, you feel him growing harder beneath your touch, his hips shifting instinctively to meet your mouth. "I…I’m close," he gasps, his voice strained with desire.

Despite the temptation to push him over the edge just now and see his beautiful brown eyes flutter, you hold back, knowing that you want to give him more. With a loving smile, you ease off, allowing him a moment to catch his breath. "Not yet," you whisper, your voice laced with anticipation. “I would like to ride you, do you want that?”

Tech's eyes widen with surprise and need as he understands what you want to do. With a hungry look in his eyes, he nods eagerly.

You rise from your knees, moving with purpose as you straddle his lap, positioning yourself above him. With a delicate touch, you guide his throbbing cock to the entrance of your slick, wet core, feeling the anticipation building between you. The pressure of his length against you already sends shivers down your spine, aching with desire for more. "Are you ready?" you whisper, your breath hot against his ear as you pepper his neck with soft kisses. Unable to speak, Tech nods eagerly, his eyes filled with longing as he awaits your next move.

As you lower yourself onto him, a wave of pleasure washes over you, his thick cock stretching you in all the right ways. You moan with satisfaction, relishing in the sensation of being filled by him. Tech's heartbeat quickens beneath you, his shallow breaths echoing the intensity of the moment. "Breathe, Tech," you murmur, planting tender kisses along his jawline, allowing him a moment to adjust to the feeling of being inside you.

With a slow, deliberate pace, you begin to move, rising and falling on his length, each stroke sending waves of pleasure coursing through both of you. Tech's composed facade begins to crack, his control slipping away as he succumbs to the ecstasy of your union. You enjoy to see him slowly coming undone in front of you. Tech, who is always in control, always composed is coming undone. And you love that you can do that to him.

As you increase your rhythm, Tech's hands find hold on your waist, his touch grounding you as you ride him. You brace yourself against his shoulders, granting him a beautiful view of your bouncing breasts right before his face, fueling his desire even further. You feel him tensing up, his cock pressing even harder against your walls with every move. “It’s okay Tech” you reassure him, “cum inside me”urging him to let go and release within you.

You lean down to leave a few kisses and gentle bites along his neck, increasing your pace further and it doesn’t take long until he succumbs to the overwhelming pleasure, his cock pulsating within you as he spills his warm cum deep inside your core. The sensation of him filling you up is so overwhelmingly good it triggers another orgasm, sending shockwaves of pleasure coursing through your body. You cry out his name as you clench around him, the intensity of your orgasm echoing his own. He looks at you in awe by the sensation of your pussy tightening around his cock. Collapsing onto his chest, you both bask in the aftermath, your bodies entwined and slick with sweat, lost in the euphoria of your connection.

Tech catches his breath first, his chest rising and falling as he composes himself. "I would enjoy doing that again sometime," he admits, his voice filled with a hint of longing but also uncertainty.

You smile warmly, reassurance in your eyes as you reply, "Whenever you want, Tech. I'm yours." Leaning in, you press your lips against his, a soft and tender kiss filled with promise. “I love you,” you whisper, your words carrying the weight of your affection.

As his softened cock slowly begins to slip out of you, you feel his warm cum dripping from your core onto the seat beneath you. "I should clean that up before we make a mess here," you remark, a playful glint in your eyes as you glance down at the evidence of your shared passion.

Tech nods in agreement, his gaze lingering on you as he gestures towards the fresher. "Go on. I'll take care of the cockpit," he offers, his tone gentle yet determined, showing his willingness to share the responsibilities.

Before you can leave, he pulls you close, his lips capturing yours in a deep and passionate kiss. "Thank you," he murmurs against your lips, his gratitude evident in his touch as he expresses his appreciation for your connection.

"For what?" you wonder, eager to understand the depth of his emotions.

"For communicating with me in a way that I understand," he explains, his words resonating with sincerity as he acknowledges the significance of your connection and the efforts you've made to bridge any gaps in understanding.

With a smile and a soft kiss, you accept his gesture, making your way to the fresher, mindful not to leave a trail of cum behind as you prepare to clean up. As you go, you're filled with a sense of contentment, knowing that despite any challenges, you and Tech have found a way to connect deeply, both physically and emotionally.

When you tap out of the fresher, all cleaned up, clothes back on, you are relieved to see that the others seemingly still haven’t returned, giving you and Tech a little more time together. Glancing over at the cockpit, you notice it looks nice and clean, as if nothing had happened. Satisfied, you step outside the Marauder and find Tech sitting in the low grass, his datapad in hand and connected to his ears. He smiles at you, and you can't help but return the smile as you approach him.

"What are you doing?" you inquire, curiosity lacing your tone.

"I'm listening to the sounds you made," he responds, a happy glance in his eyes. Your cheeks flush at his words, and he chuckles softly. "I enjoy this very much, it's already my favorite recording."

He pulls you in for a kiss, and you melt into his embrace, feeling a sense of warmth and affection wash over you. You make yourself comfortable in the grass next to him and he hands you a cup of fresh caff, asking if you feel good.

"Haven’t felt so good in a while…and thank you for cleaning up the cockpit," you express your gratitude, but a hint of worry creeps into your voice. "But I guess that Hunter will smell it anyway. He can smell a Bantha ten klicks against the wind."

Tech laughs, reassuring you. "That is precisely right, but don't worry. I spilled some caff to cover up the scent for now. However, we will need to tell them eventually that we…we…”

“…had sex in Hunters ship and will continue to do so?” you offer to finish the sentence with a wide grin on your face.

“That we are engaging in a romantic relationship. And that is MY ship" he corrects you. “But I fear their response to this news will not be that elated at first.”

You furrow your brows in concern, prompting him to explain further. "Why do you think your brothers won't be happy for you, Tech?"

He adjusts his goggles, his expression thoughtful. "Because shortly after you became part of our crew, they made a bet on who would get… who would succeed in having sex with you first. And the bet was not on me. And not on a relationship either, rather on a more... casual encounter."

"Who was it?" you ask, curious to know the outcome.

Tech sighs, his gaze dropping momentarily. "On Crosshair. It was on Crosshair. I bet on him too. Statistically, he has the highest success rate, so it was a safe bet... I thought."

You chuckle softly, realizing the implications, of course it was Crosshair. "Well, that will dent his ego a bit, but he'll survive it," you laugh, needless to say Crosshair is a handsome man with an aura that is best described as intense but he’s just not your type, you prefer soft and nerdy but lethal, and sometimes a bit unhinged, just like the beautiful man sitting beside you.

Feeling a sense of content wash over you, you happily lean into Tech, resting your head on his chest as you revel in the comfort and security of his embrace.

Shouldn't we finish the modification we abandoned?" you inquire, gazing up at the sky.

"I would much rather enjoy the time with you out here," Tech responds, his voice filled with warmth. "It is not often that we are on a planet where the atmosphere is breathable, meteorological conditions are predominantly pleasant, and there is no extremely hostile wildlife that we have to pay attention to. Besides, with your help, I can quickly finish the modification later. We will need to learn to enjoy the moments we get together without my brothers, as they will be scarce."

You gaze up at him in awe, feeling a sense of gratitude wash over you as you cuddle closer to him. "Well,if we have time, then tell me everything you know about those little fuzzy creatures up there jumping around in the trees," you say, pointing towards the playful fury animals in the distance.

He smiles down at you, his eyes reflecting fondness. "Gladly," he responds, before leaning in to give you the softest, most loving kiss.

As he begins to speak, his voice takes on the tone of a database, filled with information about the local wildlife. You've always loved animals and listening to Tech talking for hours about the local wildlife and its possible dangers or benefits during missions has fascinated you each time. But now, wrapped in his arms, experiencing this as private lecture and stealing a few kisses in between is the best feeling in the galaxy

Hi hi—ur Corio works have me in the tightest of chokeholds. Probably the most beautifully articulated writing I’ve seen in a min on here.

Was thinking ab peacekeeper!Corio getting hot and bothered over headpeacekeeper!reader…he’d just be so frustrated that someone so pretty could have power over him in more ways than one…I just know you’d do this Justice

🪼

nsfw, power-play + dark themes

i love this prompt because power is arguably coriolanus snow’s deepest, most dirtiest pursuits. he’s got his hands filthy with the promise of it and there’s no stopping a monster when you’ve already begun to feed it a routine.

but the thing with power is: it has its price. and the cost he pays for it so happens to be to rebrand himself within the districts, no less than a peacekeeper. so, when he quickly learns of the power system within all peacekeeper formations, he grows agitated. less with the idea of conduct and more with the idea of you. the pretty head-peacekeeper who seems to not be so keen with familiarity, choosing a certain bite in your words and nothing of the warmth of summer in your attitude. really, it’s all rough ends for him.

but the hardest part? he’s willing to chase those measly ends to explore you more. to map you out like a fortress he can monopolise, a clean target to hit with a blunt bullet. easy fodder. it’s all quick work to a snow - so why is he all red-eared and shaking from head to boot when you pull him into your dingy little office, somehow humiliating him more than what he begun with?

“i need you to get off your capitol horse and work, snow,” you spit in his face one afternoon, a sharp finger dotting into his chest like a pain, “not give me reasons as to why you very well deserve to be here.”

“yes.” (he wants to wring your neck.)

“yes, what?” your face is screwed into a sour frown.

“yes, head peace-keeper.” (he feels a blood vessel popping.)

“god, you’re pathetic.”

and he wants to be mad. wants to channel the strength of the very many mutts that mr gaul has eating away in her lab. wants to show you power as he knows it, dirty and selfish and so willingly like him. but his desire runs rampant - a cruel thing, an animal that he shelters beneath all his bones and teeth and blood. a thing fed with the premonitions of you so desperately that there is hunger where there is hate. desire where there is repulsion. craving where there is an itch. and so, he can’t seem to stop when his body lurches forward and his kiss begins to register as a heavy slash and all spit against your mouth.

he catches the shiver of your mouth against his as you pull away, and in the same breath, his own repulsion at what he has done. the billboards would have the last laugh, and those back home would bundle up the paper to take a closer look: coriolanus snow exiled for advancements on head-peacekeeper! read now!

“i’m sorry, i didn’t mean to-“ he starts, but you’re quick. out-do him in both speed and wit, as your arm knocks against his rib and holds him in place, so much so that his breath comes out in wheezes. really, you hold considerable muscle on you, so the effort comes as little to none. and still, there’s anger in your eyes.

“didn’t mean to, what? kiss me? i think even a snow is capable of knowing the levels to this,” you spit into his hair, your arm now a painful intrusion against his lungs. he coughs, tries to keep composure but fails at it. his lungs don’t support much of him, and you’re still talking, “i know you can talk.”

“didn’t mean it,” his voice is barely a breath, and when you tighten your arm against him, he’s almost keeling over his knees had you not been holding him up against the wall like fodder, an easy target.

“here, snow, i’ll show you what you can mean,” you spit and before he can even begin to give it much thought, your lips are against his again. all too violent, too, when your teeth bash against his and you nearly rip the fabric of his uniform in an effort to stumble back into the heat of your office. neat, laid out and soon, coming apart at the hinges as you mash him against the back of the door and kiss him till tears begin to form.

funnily, his brawn means nothing when he’s willingly stripping in seconds, staggered and chasing after your lips when you pull away.

you use words to taunt him, barks of “keep your hands here” or “do you want me to stop?”, forcing him to comply and keep his hands at his sides, where he will have little chance to touch you. little chances at his dirty little attempts at power as you palm the hitch in his trousers, watching in amusement when he hisses and begins fuck upwards like some cheap-whore. and when he looks up, it’s almost laughable how the power that he will go sore at the limbs to possess, leaves him in some very minutes.

“fuck - fuck - please,” he whines, no shame in the way he bucks his hips up into the flesh of your hand, his dick already a twitching and wet mess as it may stirring in your grip. a few pumps and he’s already crowding the floor with his hands, his limbs, a large attempt to remember that he hates you, he hates this, he hates the pleasure you give him and - his dick spurts against his stomach, livening the air with the heat of his release and…

…wait, did he come that quick?

“fuck,” you rasp, running a finger against his stomach and collecting the stuff that remains in silvery flecks on the stretch of skin. you watch as humiliation dawns on him, power not so much as a concern as his pride, “should we see if you can last longer?”

and within the shine of your eyes, the reflection of his half naked form reflected in them, covered in his spent and breathing like there are two holes shot within his lungs, he can sense the price he has begun to pay.

yes, he takes you up on that offer.

thank you so much for the request!! + your interest in my works, im so thankful :)

© 2023 qvrcll. do not repost any of my works on any platform.

Just Talk to Me Already!

Genre: a sulking Adrian and struggling reader

Summary: All it took was a friends night out, 2 shots of vodka, and fake courage of your friends with your inflated drunk ego.

You woke up with empty arms and a spectacular view of Adrian's back – spectacular but tense. As if he hadn't just pushed himself away from your embrace the moment he felt your dream fading. But you are shameless. Unfazed by his earlier retreat, your arms circled his waist again as you drew closer. However, your attempt to settle comfortably as the big spoon was thwarted as your hands were gently pushed away, and your beloved extricated himself from the bed.

Sighing, you returned to your overheated pillow, its once-cool sides now exhausted. "Well, if this isn't the consequence of your stupid loud mouth," you groaned into your pillow.

It all began with a fateful night out with friends, two shots of vodka, and your inflated, drunken ego. Spilling the steamy details of your past steamy escapades with your ex to Adrian wasn't planned, but it happened, thanks to drunk you. A week had passed since that unfortunate incident, and Adrian was still sulking.

Normally, Adrian was impervious to your drunken antics, but this was different. It had hit a nerve, making him insecure about his own abilities and your genuine affection for him.

As the memories from that intoxicated night resurfaced amid the fog of a confusing hangover, you realized the extent of the damage. Of course, you'd apologized; you might be a wild drunk, but you were a civil person. You even tried to be cute, using the coy voice Adrian adored, but it didn't work.

Undeterred, you bought flowers, sweets, and, just for the heck of it, a dagger because your beloved had a penchant for such things. However, your care package failed to elicit even a faint smile. Instead, you found the dagger stabbed into the garden floor, a display of strength you chose to ignore for your own sanity.

Turning to a more romantic approach, you wrote a poetic letter. Adrian, known for his dramatic flair, should have appreciated it, right? Wrong. Your beautifully scripted words were obscured by grocery lists, budget planning, and reminders of yearly events...he could have used the plain blank side and no you did not pout looking at it.

Not to mention, he wouldn't even share dinner with you or rescue you from the culinary monstrosity you'd created. The desire for a simple meal prepared by Adrian had never been stronger.

In desperation you resorted to your trusted technique of annoyance. "Adrian look at me," you settled next to him, scooting whenever he tried to scoot. "Adrian look at my crooked tooth, does my finger look bent to you," you followed after him the entire day like a puppy.

Until Adrian became a damn bat and flew. Even the puppy eyes failed you.

It was only last night that he tried to slip out of your room, but you caught his wrist, stopping him. "Don't go," you said seriously. "Just sleep here. Give me a chance to make it right. So come here and lie next to me, Adrian. We can't act like a divorced couple; we aren't married, to begin with."

You pulled him back onto the bed, and he, despite his strength, let you. Wrapping your arms around him, you nuzzled into the crook of his neck, ignoring the fact that his hair almost made you sneeze during this supposedly romantic moment.

"I won't say I was wrong," your words made him tense under your touch. "I've had my fill of fooling around, of being an untethered kite. It's great, but Adrian," you pulled him closer, preventing him from seeing your blush. "I don't need that with you. I don't need wild fantasies or extreme pleasures, though I can't get enough of you. Just being in the same room as you is more than satisfying."

Your hands traced patterns on his back as you thought through your words, articulating your feelings for the first time in your life. "Don't blame yourself for anything, Adrian. Don't carry that burden. I could never forgive myself if I became the reason for your sorrow. I will gladly be the crux of your resentment. Just stay by my side and let me make it up…" You spoke throughout the night until your words began to slur, and you woke up to the sight of Adrian's back.

At least he was still in the bed, which you counted as a small victory. You planned your next grand gesture to win him over, but little did you know that your antics were making a certain dhampir, you resisted to face you, smile uncontrollably.

As he heard you groan into your pillow, he promised himself to savor these moments just a bit longer, practicing his poker face in anticipation of the day filled with your endearing gestures.

Vampire Heart Draculaura Review Part 4 of 4

In this final part of my review, I’ll be comparing her a bit more to some other Monster High vampires.

Including my G1 Elissabat (who really needs her hair de-glued) and I’ve had her hair “restyled” like that ever since I got her just because I liked how she wore it up in the flashbacks in “Frights, Camera, Action.” The picture above has mini-dress Draculaura with Elissabat, the true Vampire Queen. Luckily she’s pretty cool with this Draculaura playing dress up, as long as she gets to try on her outfit too.

Also, I had never undressed my Eissabat before and didn’t know these were two separate pieces!

And here is she is!!! I kept her puff purple sleeves to make it fit more with her color scheme. It’s not a bad look at all and I would have loved to have seen a true Vampire Queen Eissabat Collector doll.

Something like this, but even more dramatic. Give her some large vampire wings, layers of bows and bats and deep purples, a better looking tiara to house the vampire’s heart than what she wore in the movie, the works!

I think her boots look better under the dress than Draculaura’s though.

Her purples and large bell skirt gown are also kinda reminding me of this collector Barbie:

The true Vampire Queen….

….and now

Jump scare!

I wanted to compare G2’s hair play Draculaura (my favorite of my G2 Draculaura) due to the light pink steaks in her hair (as I thought it was the same light pink Saran) and her “darker face-up.” Turns out, it is actually a shade darker than Vampire Heart Draculaura’s and her makeup is not as dark as I remembered.

The difference in these dolls are night day, so onto something a bit closer.

Draculaura’s 50 dollar Amazon Exclusive collector doll vs Amazon’s Exclusive Collector 90/100 dollar doll.

I never thought I’d say this, but I actually way prefer the new doll over the old one in every way except for the lack of diary in the current release.

I was actually never a huge fan of the Collector Draculaura’s eyes (they look better far away and look like they were designed by Tim Burton) or her extra long body (I did like the chest articulation though, but thought an ever TALLER Draculaura looked odd), and prefer the new face up and eyelashes on the newer doll.

It does look like they have that same really light pink Saran.

They both have crumby stands that don’t hold the doll very well (at least Collector Draculaura’s is beautifully detailed).

And surprisingly non of these lace/lattice patterns were present on Vampire Heart’s Draculaura’s skirt. The embroidery on Collector Draculaura is still unmatched though, and she’s still an extremely lovely doll.

Buuuuut, she surprisingly has more in common with Haunte Couture Draculaura than Vampire Heart’s and visa versa.

She’s like the in between of Vampire Heart’s and Haunte Couture (similar colors to Vampire Heart’s, buuuut the same layered skirt with bat wing edges, heel/sole to her shoes, and a cape that attaches to her wrists…and I guess hats and rooted eyelashes that Haunt Couture has).

Well, Draculaura likes to reuse and update pieces of her wardrobe from her long life.

“Come play with us Vampire Heart Draculaura.” For fun, I compared OG Draculaura (whose hair has been degreased with LA’s Totally Awesome, but she just needs to be retro-brighted and I haven’t had time to do that).

She has the much skinner eyes of the OG Draculaura than the more “show accurate” Creeproduction Draculaura, but has the darker pink skin tone of the Creeproduction.

Well, I think that’s everyone, let’s get you to the Vampire Heart ball, or whatever ball your vampires are celebrating this week.

Huh. Looks like Valentine has offered to dance with you Draculaura. I wonder if he’s reformed in this timeline too….

Wait, now the famous movie star -and nothing else- Elissabat wants to dance with you instead. I’m sure Lord Stoker will be glad at all the attention you’re receiving….such a graceful model Vampi-

Tripped over Fangelica….it looks like she’s in this timeline too…

Anyways, all bow down to the Vampire Queen, the most beautiful of Monster High’s Skullector’s dolls (to date and my opinion).

….seriously I really want a diary to go with her…stop leaving those out Mattel!!

Not Yet

-smut

-mentions of alcohol and being tipsy (while they both have a few beers I want to stress that they’re not drunk, I didn’t intend for them to be portrayed as drunk and that all sex was consensual!!!)

-this is my first fanfic idk how to format this

-im obsessed w that pic of Trey I hope u imagine that Trey during this cuz that’s what was on my mind

Every Monday, Wednesday, Friday was seeming to grow into an agonizing gift from the gods, or whoever was out there running the show. Waking up seemed to have purpose again; barely making it out the door on time shifted into early mornings crafting carefully coordinated outfits; messy, unwashed hair turned into delicately designed pig tails or braids. For the first time in a very long time, the idea of a class at 9 am was no longer a borderline debilitating task, but like a cup of coffee on a crisp fall morning. Stepping foot in the classroom was like that first sip of coffee passing down your throat and warming your whole body, freeing you from the morning’s chill. You stood before the door, prepping yourself for 50 minutes of pure distraction and inevitable and uncontrollable thoughts, sweet dreams of delusion of a man who you thought barely remembered your name. You sighed deeply. It was time. You pressed open the door and scanned the room for him, in the most natural looking way you could.

“Good morning!” He said with sincerity in his smile.

“Good morning..” you choked out, just a millisecond late enough to make yourself feel awkward about the interaction.

You thought to yourself, “Jesus Christ he was so sweet. He said hello to me. He probably says hello to everyone. But he said it to me today. He wanted you so badly didn’t he. No. No. You have to get yourself together, he’s a man in his 40’s and he is your professor, he’s a very kind man simply greeting you on this fine morning. But wouldn’t it be nice if he wanted me.”

You took your seat near the back of the small auditorium and got yourself settled in. Pretending you be on your laptop you peered above it, getting him in your view. He was still gathering himself together to begin class, as there were a few minutes remaining before the clock would strike 9. You looked upon him as he fiddled with papers. How did you get here? At this university? This major? This class? This specific section? And THIS professor? It didn’t matter, you were here. And there he was.

The way his salt and pepper stubble ruggedly graced his face, his very worn long sleeve t shirt that he must’ve been wearing since before you were out of middle school even, his messy hair undergoing the effects of aging, gently receding in a way that was beginning to leave a patch a the top but something about the way he rocked it pulled you to him a little bit more. He was just an older man, but damn there was something about him. It wasn’t just his looks that captivated you. It was the cadence with which he spoke, the way he could fill up the most casual, unprofessional sentence with an air of eloquence. The way he could make anything make sense. His mind was vast, woven with intricacies of which you felt you could probably never comprehend. And dammit was he funny, and so clever.

Class has started and you sat there, watching intently as he paced around the front of the room, talking about who knows what, God knows you weren’t listening, going on beautifully worded tangents every now and again. He mentioned something about a quiz but all you could think about was how he was in bed. Was he a hair grabber? What day was this quiz? He’s gotta be packing right? It’s on chapter 4? You wanted to put your hands on each side of his face, feeling his graying stubble and pull him in for a kiss, letting each other’s tongues tango and wander to wherever they ended up.

He was talking about something being wrong with the textbook, cursing the idiot writer and the dipshit who edited it and whatever numbskull allowed it to be published, but the articulation of his perfectly chosen words only made you think about what all he could do with his tongue, especially if he was between your thighs. Was he good? He had to be. You just sensed it. He would spread your thighs, look up at you with lust before going down on you, he would know just how to move his tongue, you knew it. And maybe he would start to tease you. He would stop and then begin rubbing your clit only to slide 2 fingers down and into you when you least expected. He would start pumping slowly, starting to curl his fingers up inside you, and holy fuck, when you thought it couldn’t get any better he brought his head down and started using his tongue again while inside you, Jesus Christ alfuckingmighty, and then he would- You felt the room start to blur out as if it were just you and him in an empty auditorium, your cheeks were growing warm and your stomach in a knot. Lord, you felt you needed him so badly. Never had a professor or person in general made you feel this way. It was carnal. Snap out of it. You were going too far again. If you thought anything else you might just have get up and uh.. take a… “bathroom break”… You would never really do that, but he had you so strung up you needed a release so badly. There were only 10 minutes left of class and you tried to ease your mind and maybe attempt to learn something. 10 long minutes of fighting off inappropriate thoughts and watching each minute in agony go by on the clock. But in time, it was over. You quickly grabbed all your belongings and shoved them in your bag with haste, you just wanted to get out of there because partly you felt bad about how far you let your mind wander. You made your way down the short length of auditorium stairs, getting closer to him with each step. He stood near the door, waving a slight goodbye or have a good day to the occasional student who prompted it. You kept your head down, you dreaded passing him, you felt like your thoughts were so loud that he had to have heard them. Like he knew every single thing you wanted him to do to you. Closer and closer you got, mere seconds feeling like hours the closer you got to his presence, you were almost wincing. So close to the door, you would make it. He was right there, you were coming up to him, just nearly about to pass him and get out of there. Until. You sensed a disturbance in your personal bubble. Dear god. He stopped you,

“Hey, Y/N?” He said.

Stunned, frozen in time almost. Are you fucking kidding? Out of all days. You didn’t know what to do, mind racing, you felt your cheeks growing increasingly warm and knew that by the time you turned to face him you would be brighter than the reddest tomato ever grown. You were feeling so warm that surely, your cheeks must be akin to a 3rd degree sunburn, they were so hot they had to have been blistering too, right? Most of the students had filed around you out of the class as the interaction ensued. It was just you two now.

“Uh.. yes..” you managed to spit out.

He stood with a concerned stature, one hand on his hip,

“Are you okay today? You seemed a little off in class today. I just noticed you seemed a little out of it and I thought I would check in.”

Jesus Christ. So he noticed you? He looked at you? He thought about… you?

“Oh! Uh. Yeah…” you trailed off, “… uh. Yeah! Yeah I’m doing okay. Just been a little distracted today is all. I just uh. Adhd. Forgot my medicine today. That’s it! Ha!”

Fucking facepalm. It wasn’t a lie about the ADHD, but you had taken your medicine, and that had in fact probably helped you focus so intently on thinking lewd thoughts about the tall man before you. But god, did you have to overshare like that? Even if it was a only slight stretch of the truth.

“Oh, okay, it happens, Y'know. Glad you’re good! I’ll see you on Wednesday,” he said with a reassuring smile.

“Yep! See you Wednesday!” You stumbled out the door and sped walked without any hesitation to your car. Your mind was blank the whole time until you opened the door and sat down behind the wheel.

God. He was sexy. The way his voice rolled out of his mouth was smooth like butter and it had your knees weak as you thought back on the words he had said to you. You drove home and immediately fell onto the bed and took a nice nap.

As the evening rolled around you started feeling increasingly bored, lonely, and antsy. This was the great combination of feelings that lead you right down the path of deciding to, on a Monday night, hit the bars. For once, you thought, you didn’t exactly want to get totally wasted, but just sit with a beer and be somewhere other than stuck in your room mulling over the woes of life. You’d rather be stuck in a bar, a place with atmosphere and distractions and beer, mulling over life. You had been to most of the bars on the square, and almost decided on going to your favorite one where they knew you, which seems like the best and obvious choice, but something told you otherwise. There was one bar, which you realized you had never been in. It was a sports bar, so this made sense. But tonight you thought, why not? Something new for a dull night? Who knows, maybe you’d meet somebody. Something pulled you to it. It was relatively empty, a few guys were watching the game, but otherwise empty. You sat down at the bar, showed your ID and what not and ordered a Coors Banquet. You sat for a while, almost forcing yourself to try and care about the game on tv. It was the Bengals and some other team who you didn’t really know or care about. You didn’t care about the Bengals either but you knew who they were.

Time passed and you stared, distracted, into your beverage, zoning out the world around you… until… the familiar feeling of someone sitting down right next to you broke your focus on the beer bottle.

“Banquet girl, huh?”

No way. It was him.

“Holy shit,” you said instinctually, “Professor…Parker…” you trailed off in disbelief.

“Uh, yeah,” you continued, “I am a coors banquet girl for sure. Used to be miller lite until I discovered ol banquet. Coors lite on the other hand… that’s just straight piss water”

Embarrassed about saying piss water to your professor, who was sitting next you you at a bar nonetheless, you tried not to bury your face deeply into your hands and scream a guttural scream.

“Piss water huh…?” he giggled, “I always kinda liked coors lite.” He smiled.

There was a brief, stagnant moment of silence, who knows how long it lasted but it was enough for him to decide to clear his throat and break it,

“So… I saw you sitting all alone, I just thought I’d come over here and say hi, hopefully an old guy like me won’t bother you too much, I can sit somewhere else though if you’d like. You just looked a little lonely staring at your beer like that.”

“Oh. Yeah. No, that's fine yeah, keep sitting here.”

This was mind blowing to say the least, it didn’t feel real. He was so close to you. He was so close you could reach out and put your arms around him, embracing his body heat. You tried not to dwell in order to hold a normal conversation, but he was so close you could smell the hint of Old Spice lingering on him. And with just that whiff you caught, it drove you mad. Of course he would wear Old Spice.

“So… I guess… What’re you up to being here tonight?” You asked, unable to think of anything to say.

“I just came here to watch the game. I’m not really all that interested but, Yknow, I guess I just wanted to get out. Really I should be asking you what YOU’RE up to, hitting the bars on a Monday night, miss ma’am.”

Miss ma’am??? What were you? A child or perhaps a naughty cat being scolded? That’s what that sounded like. But maybe you kind of liked it… especially coming from him.

You took a moment to breathe in, “Well, if you must know, miss ma’am here enjoys the fact that there are no covers at the bars on Monday nights,” you paused, “And I just like to sit and think with a beer I guess, and I don’t always want to do it alone in my room. Gets kinda sad after a while y’know”

“Oh, I know,” he responded.

There was another moment of silence filling up the space between you, but it felt more natural this time.

“So, The Cure?” He pointed at your shirt, “I love The Cure!”

“They’re my favorite band!” You say excitedly.

He looks at you with a jokingly cocky expression, “Yknow, I don’t mean to toot my own horn or anything, but after college I made a movie and guess who loved it? Robert Smith!”

“Holy shit???” You blurt out, “Robert Smith?? And?- hold on you- you made a goddamn movie?? Dude!”

As if he couldn’t get any hotter. He made a movie. That your own hero Robert Smith was allegedly into. He could’ve been lying for all you know, but you trusted every word he said. After a bit of beer consumption you were starting to feel more comfortable and natural talking to him, but in the back of your mind you still couldn’t quiet down the thoughts of everything you wanted to do with him.

“Ah it’s nothin,” he said

“Nothin? No!! You have to show me!”

“Oh don’t know about that… it’s a little inappropriate…”

Inappropriate? Trey Parker? God this pulled you in. You couldn’t believe he made a movie, and an allegedly inappropriate one? You had to see this. Now felt like the time, after a beer and a half you were starting to feel more bold. It was now or never. Before you thought about it to hard, the words were already leaving your lips,

“It may be bold and completely out of line, though I have drank this beverage a bit fast so I’m feeling willing to say more than I should, however, I feel inclined to ask… if you might want to come to my apartment and maybe… you could show me your movie…”

He looked stunned. But you could tell by the look behind his eyes. He had been around long enough to know. And thankfully, to your completely dismay, he replied with a smile,

“Sure…”

You stepped into his car, and the two of you drove back in mostly silence other than your telling directions back to your apartment. It didn’t feel real. You sat in his passenger seat, looking out the window, feeling warmth in your cheeks, wondering if maybe, since you had successfully lured him to your apartment, he might let you call him by his first name.

“Hey…” you decided to go for the question, nervous on how it would go over.

“Hm?” He said softly, looking over at you slightly but maintaining his focus on the road.

“How mad would you be if I um, if I referred you Trey tonight…? Yknow since…” you trailed off, “since y'know…”

“I don’t think I would be mad at all, Y/N.” He said we a reassuring smile.

You gave a quick tour of the place and then offered up the couch, you sat on one end, politely urging him to sit himself down with you. He placed himself on the other end of the couch at an almost awkward, but definitely safe distance.

“You could sit a little closer y’know.“ you said

“I suppose I could”

He moves a little closer but, still a safe difference. If there was ever a time to use your feminine wiles, you thought, it was now. You knew what you wanted but could barely believe you were in this position anyways.

“I don’t bite or nothin. I mean, I usually don’t anyways”

He lightly giggled, but you could sense the gears turning in his head, and you wondered if he had processed your attempt at flirting. He scooted over closer to you, legs almost touching.

The movie had begun playing, and you teased him about his outfit in the film, and the fact that it was called Orgazmo. But after a little while, something came over you, you just couldn’t hold it anymore. Before you knew it you felt your hand moving towards his thigh. Isn’t this usually a man’s move? You really didn’t care. It’s what you wanted and it felt right. In an instant you felt your palm press against the fabric. You looked up to him for reassurance and he gave you a look that let you know it was okay. Within seconds you felt your body rush with warmth as he leaned swiftly in, placing his hand on the side of your face, pulling you in a locking lips.

Holy fuck? Its happening? Play it cool.

His scruff scratches lightly against your skin. Fuck, he could give you rug burn if he wanted to, you’d let him. Your bodies moved together with the passion of the kiss, feeling around each other as his tongue danced against yours in your mouth. You felt a pressure on your chest as he reached in to grab your boobs, releasing a breathy sigh on impact into your mouth. You found your hand on his thigh again, grasping into it briefly, then running your hand up slowly until you reached his inner thigh. You stopped here for a moment before moving to the big bulge in his pants, rubbing and stroking it through the fabric and feeling it get even harder as you do so.

“Fuck,” he lets out a groan.

He hastily begins fiddling with his pants button pulling them down and off to expose his boxers. He grabs you and pulls you up on his lap, your legs straddled around him, and begins grinding against you, moving your hips against his lap and confined length which ached to be inside you.

You couldn’t take it anymore, you found yourself peeling your shorts off with vigor in order to feel even closer to him and the raging hard on rubbing against you. He sat you back down and pulled you in even harder, breathing heavily with each of his movements against you.

“Please, Trey,” you begged, “I need you to put it in”

“Not yet,” he smiled.

He lifted you up as he stood, and carried you off to your bedroom, laying you down on the bed hurriedly, but with care. With both of you on the bed he slid off your shirt, throwing it to the floor; then crawling up to you for a kiss, he places his hands firmly on your boobs. He moves down, grabbing one gently and putting it in his mouth, his tongue swirling around your nipple as he looks up at you with needy blue eyes. He begins to trail down, leaving a line of tender yet sloppy kisses down your torso as he approaches your underwear. It almost made you shiver, the closer he got.

“Is this okay? You’re okay with doing this?” He asked, looking up at you.

You nodded with a subtle bite of the lip, as you felt you couldn’t handle another second without him inside you.

“Are you sure?” He asked again.

“Yes. Please. I need you right now,” you wined in response.

He got off the bed and stood up, tearing off his shirt with haste and sliding off his boxers, allowing his hard length to fling out, giving it a few pumps as he approached the bed again. Back on the bed, he spreads your legs in preparation to take him. He leans in, taking his cock and rubbing the tip against your clit, teasing you, forcing you to wait even longer.

“You’re so wet for me, huh?” he said slyly and proudly as he continued to tease you.

“Please put it in,” you begged.

He grinned and you felt him enter, pushing himself in slowly, all the way, letting out a groan as he did so, and then waiting just a moment, fully inside you, before he began thrusting. He started slowly, getting you used to the length, quickly picking up the pace. You ran your hands down his chest, feeling all of his hair and the burgeoning sweat within it. He was pumping in and out of you rhythmically, absolutely wracking your brain, and with his thrusting came the occasional groan, or “ah” or “fuck.” He put his hand behind your head and leaned in to kiss you sloppily, letting lust take the two of you over.

All of a sudden he pulled out, just barely out of you, his tip almost touching your entrance. He watched the confusion on your face as he hadn’t yet gone back in, knowing how badly you wanted him back, he began to tease you.

“How badly do you want it?”

“So badly, please”

“Not yet,” he said, “I want to hear you beg.”

“Fuck. Please fuck me,” you pleaded.

He grinned and pushed back inside you with delicate force, putting his hands on side of your waist and pulling you into each thrust. He leaned in for a kiss and you took the opportunity to pull him in to you even closer, chests touching, feeling his warmth. He nestled his head in your neck, sucking lightly, enough to titillate but not leave a mark. You held tightly onto his back, trying to keep yourself from digging into it and scratching him, but maybe he would like that, you thought. As he thrusted, you bucked your hips against him, fucking him back. He let out a moan into your ear, unable to hold it in any longer. You could sense that rush flooding in, trying to overtake you, you tried to push back in order to keep yourself going longer but it was growing increasingly obvious that the time was nearing. You could feel within his recent movements that he was in a similar boat. He leaned in for one more kiss, letting out a moan, “Uugh, fuck,” into your mouth as he did so. With this you found yourself unable to hold it in.

“Trey, I’m gonna cum,” you moan, pulling him in as hard and close as you possibly could, bucking your hips hard, riding out the high as you felt your body nearly shaking against his.

He continued pumping, almost reaching that same limit himself, with your own release pushing him over the edge. He pulled out quickly with an “ah” pumping along his cock as he aimed it towards your tits. He kept pumping, letting out sounds of ecstasy and relief, spurting his cum all over your chest.

“Shit,” he exhaled, while flopping over and laying next to you. You noticed some of his cum had landed on his stomach, sitting lightly on his happy trail.

“Hey, you got a lil sumthin,” you said with a point and a smile.

“Oh…” he looked down at himself and then looked at you, remembering how much he had doused you, “Oh! I’ll get a towel!”

You told him where to find one and he soon returned wielding a washcloth, he gently cleaned you up before tossing the towel off the side of the bed, then laying back down beside you.

“So uh… does this warrant me getting some extra credit?” You joked.

He laughed lightly and responded, “Oh, after that? You just passed the class with flying colors.”

Camera Roll Challenge: Dating Bertholdt Hoover

I've been agonizing over finding the right pics for Bertl. 😩 I wanted to find ones that at least kinda portrayed his tanned skin and that big beautiful nose I adore and wanna smooch so bad!! I didn't fully succeed but hope y'all like this anyway!

I think Bertie would be such a sweet partner! He's never been the biggest fan of having his pictures taken but he makes exceptions for you. He'll even send selfies if you request, and further into your relationship may send some with no prodding at all.

He likes to show his love by cooking for you and making you coffee in the mornings. If you happen to have an earlier start than him he'll get up just to make sure you have a nice cup of coffee and at least some light breakfast to go.

With those beautifully long fingers I can't help but imagine him as a musician. And I'm not just saying that as an excuse to include photos of his hands or him in the cello bag! I think playing and composing music would be something he uses to get out thoughts and feelings he doesn't feel quite capable of articulating through words. That said, I also thought of him doing theatre, maybe even musical theatre. I feel like there are many great actors who are naturally quiet and more reserved but can explore bits of themselves through characters they wouldn't necessarily feel expressing to the world as themselves. And while the music he composes is usually free of words, I believe he has an incredible singing voice. I just went listening to a bunch of singers on yt and think Aaron Tviet singing I am the One from Next to Normal fits best. Also here with him singing Rihanna's Love on the Brain.

Lastly I found a number of pictures that also now make me headcanon he has tons of lil moles across his back and it's fun to connect the constellations with lipstick marks. Or just scattered all over him wherever because you know how he enjoys when you mark him. 😏

I envy your writing skills and how you articulate your thoughts as an essayist. What is the best advice you can give about improving my own critical thinking skills and my writing

You honor me anon.

Excuse me if I become a little philosophical here anon, but I feel the best way to expand your critical thinking skills and writing is empathy. I feel my stance is highly controversial nowadays, as people have attempted to normalize this sense of pseudo-sympathy through relating oneself and our own experiences to others as a way of expressing empathy, but in reality it is the erasure of other people's experiences and thus identities by failing to try and live through their eyes.

True empathy, to me, is reverse engineering actions to feelings to thoughts and motivations. Someone may not behave or feel the same way we do in a given situation, so by critically analyzing someone's behavior, truly seeking to understand why they are the person they have become, takes a lot of effort and self effacement. They are not us, and by trying to superimpose our identities onto them by projecting our own experiences onto others, we erase their existence in our minds.

Critical thinking necessitates understanding over agreeing. Empathy is validating but not mirroring. It requires being able to logically understand the irrational comes from a place of total sense to someone else. No one behaves wildly for no reason, so no story or character will behave without reason.

It may seem reductive to analyze humans as one would a flow chart, but we are beautifully complex machines of biology. The things we take for granted as artists and humans are all spectacularly complex, and the one thing we take most for granted are ourselves. We are so familiar with our own minds, we see it as something so intrinsically understandable, and we erroneously believe that everyone else is somehow just like us. Or worse, that we are in fact the most complex being in the universe while everyone else is a lesser copy, and as these other organisms look less and less like us, the less complex and whole we see them to be.

Learning true empathy is a daily exercise to deciphering critical thinking as a skill. Approach everything as there being a sound reason to why they feel and/or behave a specific way and search for that reason. Learn to slow down and ask questions when you don't understand. Allow space for yourself and others and the rest of this planet that is so much more than ourselves. Every person is a universe that is waiting to be explored. Do so with empathy, delicacy, and respect.

Love and critical thinking go hand in hand. Both are a labor that extends us outside ourselves. To be critical is not to hate something, but to love it to the point that we care when it fails and put in the effort to understand why. To acknowledge that it fails at all is an act of love. And to feel anger, resentment, or even hatred towards something is also not the opposite of love, apathy is. Apathy is the lack of desire to understand or care.

Learn how to love outside yourself and you will understand critical thinking. 🩷

Finished FF16 a few days ago and I do have some (long) thoughts about it, so I'm noting them down below. Reactions include the Waloed & Origin arcs.

Tagging @zadien as you requested <3 My thoughts won't be organized but I'll try my best to articulate as I go. Wall of text alert!

I think this is yet another case of "the story didn't satisfy me a lot but the characters bewitched me body and soul" so here I am at the end of the roads... with a lot of grievances toward how the story was structured & written but also impossibly attached to the cast haha, needless to say I have fanart ideas planned and incoming.

Things that I enjoyed a lot:

CliveJill's scene with the snow daisies, where she tells Clive that she wants to spread her wings after all this is over. MY GIRLFRIEND... YOU SHALL HAVE THE WORLD.

Jill being so good with acting dkfjsl <3 <3 she's so cute....

Jill being as much of a ruthless mtfk as Clive, they're soooo in tune when it comes to wrecking havoc

Everything about Joshua he brings SO SO MUCH to the table both with his personalities and the themes he represents. I would ramble if not for fear of this post's length...

Dion's contradictory demeanor hahahahaha - he insisted everyone call him "Dion" but wouldn't shut up about "Ifrit" and "Phoenix", he also refused Harpocrates' gift but then gave another to Clive 2 seconds later, then sauntered off without even checking if Clive likes it or not...

I generally bemoan the lack of discussion on Dion's relationship with his country's imperialism and his hands in that (like, everything about him was perfect to address that topic even in very brief ways?), BUT I highly enjoyed Dion's theme about the loss of personhood and to be reduced to a vessel of power and worship, his multifaceted relationship with the concepts of power & duty & hierarchy. So subtly yet powerfully done with so little screen time... I think Clive's own engagement with the theme (which is supposed to be his central theme) comes short in comparison.

Dion's side quest with Harpocrates also scratched my brain in INCREDIBLY ways, but again I won't ramble too much in this post...

(Hahaha by this point I think everyone knows who my fav is)

Dion & Joshua's dialogues are all so well-written (maybe save for Joshua's last speech...)

Everything about Mid & Gav, they're beautifully done, I love them they have such solid places within the narrative and lovely personalities too. When I watched Mid navigating the Entreprise I was just squealing and cheering for her! Her talking about the dream of flight and the danger it might entail, and her plan of turning such a weighted topic into a lighthearted treasure hunt! My gosh 💗 Gav's drinking scene with Clive is also especially touching, I felt a lot for his burdens.

Lady Isabelle may I have your hand in marriage--

Clive holding Joshua or clutching his body...... breaks me every time I love love LOVE tragic siblings

I can honestly write an essay for each of the characters (especially Jill & Dion my thoughts about them are overflowing) but they will have to be separate posts at this point, let me know @zadien (or anyone else reading this 🫣) if you'd like me to talk some more.

NOW onto the criticisms proper...

Waloed & Origin arcs were pretty underwhelming, mostly because I feel like they haven't offered anything new that wasn't already resolved in the previous arcs...? I enjoyed Barnabas' vibe but his impact on me was a big fat 0, and here comes the conundrum because, well, I'm guessing him being emotionless & devoid of a personality is supposed to be the point with his worship of Ultima, but even that was not done well... All his bedroom scenes kinda ruined all of that, not to mention the out-of-nowhere 'mother' appearances that the story doesn't even bother to explore aside from showing her naked body (Benedikta got the same treatment after her death my god I'm so sorry my beloved)...

Idk what I'm supposed to take away from the character and, in consequence, the Waloed arc? I know nothing of who he was, his dialogues didn't even match Clive's growth at that point - again, why is Clive questioning his humanity NOW of all time, when the story has been going so well? Could they have, idk, shown Clive's fear coming back to him after reuniting with Joshua & discovering Dion's descend to madness, so that they can segue into the Waloed arc more smoothly - that despite Clive's best intention he may lose all his control at the most crucial point and ruin all that he holds dear (like Dion), and that he never let go of his guilt at Phoenix Gate, and having Joshua back unwittingly brought back the nightmares he'd lived with for 13 years? Maybe that would give his identity crisis at the beach some more substance instead of "Barnabas bested me twice and now I'm wet and sat" situation he got going on... I am thankful for Mid & Dion's arc & CliveJill romance & everything about Joshua but the main villain & plot points felt so distant... MY BRAIN WAS NOT SCRATCHED

(I adore Mid & Dion & Joshua hahaha they're so colorful in 3 entirely different directions, my silly children)

I am also not really convinced by Ultima's writing. The plot reveal of him being a God who created humanity but then abandoned us all *could* have been pretty powerful and on point if it wasn't executed in such fragmented ways. If only they dig deeper into one or two specific aspects of that concept to explore...

I am especially fond of the idea of Ultima as symbolic for "the absent parent" and "the narcissistic parent" (both in the intimate familial context and the wider context of head-of-state/leader figures), which could have paralleled SO WELL with Anabella & Sylvestre & EVEN ELWIN had they not cut off Anabella's presence immediately after her death, or had they make Dion reflect deeper upon his relationship with his father beyond "I killed him I am so sad", or had they make Joshua's and Clive's memories of Elwin more complicated - maybe in how they (especially Joshua) worshipped his as their father & leader, but less so as a man, someone human & flawed? And then they can explore how the children gaining autonomy & freedom despite their parents & the circumstances that shaped their childhood as a direct mirror to them breaking away from Ultima? The frustrating thing is, I THINK they did try to do that, what with all the Inner Voice snippets and the initial buildups and all, but the execution keeps coming up short...

Ultima & the Eikons as symbols of "power that binds & enthralls" in contradiction with Clive's fight for a "free world" could've been much more relevant and poignant if maybe they allowed us to get more invested in Ultima's backstory (flashback cutscenes perhaps? more involved murals? a more multifaceted discussion around the concept of will? some attempts at humanizing Ultima's race so that when Clive says "you're just like us" we feel it a bit deeper?) instead of just having the guy monotonously narrating all the plot twists... my god. Not to mention all the on-the-nose dialogues of power of friendship & crude slavery allegories... I don't know! I think Square did NOT do it well in this one.

That's all I can pull from the top of my head at the moment! Ready to hop into replies or asks to talk some more, but yea!

i just want to say that you write so beautifully about your experiences and thoughts and i thank you for sharing them. hope your day/night is peaceful

hey man. that actually means so much. photos, I’ve found, are a much easier way of creatively cultivating the world you experience into some form of temporary art. With words I’m incredibly doubtful of their impact. I feel I often fall short and they are never quite able to REALLY articulate the immense amount of emotion I dealt with at the time of writing it down. The overlapping of ADHD and OCD shouldn’t technically exist. It’s possible, but it’s left many medical professionals at a loss in terms of properly existing in one single being. They both inhabit the pre-frontal cortex and one deals with never having enough dopamine at its disposal, whilst the other is said to have too much dopamine at its disposal often leaving it caught between obsessive tendencies and cathartic ritualistic behavior. And yet here we are. I have both. They both need constant tending to and care as most incessantly annoying children need, but I’ve grown to appreciate them for giving me my sense of survival and resilience. My point being, my mind is a contradictory contraption filled to the brim with words. Sometimes it’s all I have left to give. Most times, I doubt they are ever worth much. Regardless, I’m glad you resonated with some of them and it means so much that you’ve described them as “beautiful”. Seriously fills my small little heart with so much love man. So thank you. I hope you’re having a good ass day as well and I hope you’re being kind to yourself.

I'm really enjoying your craft essay commentary! I have to read more in 2023, too. If you have anything in mind, it would be cool if you posted the list so we could take a look and join you! (Or if anyone has recs?)

i honestly wish i was one of those people who could make a reading list and make my way through it, but since reading is my job, when i read for fun it has to be either 1) entertaining, and/or 2) enriching, and it's surprisingly rare how few books there are that seem to fit into either category. which has nothing to do with the books and everything to do with my weird personal tastes.

but! here's what i'm hoping to make my way through in the coming weeks.

novels/memoirs

return of the king (re-read) and maybe some other tolkien stuff (i went on a used book store spree recently)

in the dream house by carmen maria machado (a christmas gift from @significationary!)

furnace creek by joseph allen boone (just preordered it in paperback)

the last 3 books of the neapolitan quartet by elena ferrante (i already read my brilliant friend)

the last samurai by helen dewitt

the color of sin and father of lies by janet inglis (these were very hard to get my hands on; i don't think they're in print anymore)

the locked tomb series? at least, another attempt will be made. the first time i tried gideon the ninth, it uh. didn't seem like my thing. but enough people have rec'd it that i'll try hard to stick with it.

maybe i'll finally read mdzs

i'd also love to pick up some classics that i'd intended to read for my comps, or maybe take a crack at smiley's list of 100 novels

nonfiction

authoring autism (this is going to take me a while, because it's a little over my head and also a very emotional read for me)

both tin house writer's notebooks

13 ways of looking at the novel by smiley

anatomy of criticism by frye (i think)

mystery and manners by o'connor

my narratology and rhetoric books (there are 2 narratology books that are based entirely on foucault so i'm gonna have to read him too probably)

and i have a bunch of other craft books on my shelf, plus a lengthy craft book purchase list, which i'm not letting myself touch until i've made a dent in what i already have

what i would love more than anything is to find a book or fic i can't put down, that i read until five in the morning and then pick up again as soon as i wake up (entertainment). or i'd like to find a book that's maybe not super interesting on a conflict level but which is so beautifully or weirdly written that it either teaches me something new about writing, or does one thing so remarkably well i might want to teach it in a class one day (enrichment).

last year, the best thing i read was a 700k fic that's not even on ao3 anymore, that was both entertaining (so sickeningly dark, with such high stakes) and enriching (i learned a goddamn ton about scene-level pacing and honestly just what it means to stare the present moment in the eye? i still can't even articulate exactly how masterful it was on a scene level). i also read when meat loves salt by maria mccann, which should have been a slam dunk for me (gorgeously written, historically accurate, extremely fucky gay relationship), and i did really like it but i read it in fits and starts throughout the year because it couldn't seem to keep my attention for long.

i thought the problem was that i was poorly medicated so i couldn't focus on anything. but now i can focus on stuff and i'm still putting down most of the books i pick up out of sheer disinterest. so i'm hoping this year i can kind of target that problem and figure out what my deal is, or find a way to reliably find books i know i'll like.

i always appreciate recs of the "this is the most exceptional thing i've ever laid eyes on" variety, so if anyone's got any of those, i'd love to hear them.

WOW SARAH ARE YOU KIDDING ME. Besides from being one of the kindest souls here, an amazing writer... (and I'm saying that because you articulate things SO WELL and I feel like I don't know how to write the most basic stuff. So I'm always impressed with how you can articulate your thoughts and how you write so beautifully)... you're also INCREDIBLY GORGEOUS!!!! Your outfit was amazing!!! I wish we could be friends 💜

Um wow this is incredibly nice???? Thank you 🥹

We are friends!

sighs... sits down and puts head on hands

So...-

sighs again and looks out the window

moments of silence

When I sat down to read this I was not expecting to come back looking like

But here we are, I guess. I have so many words but even more emotions, and they're hindering my communication/writing skills.

A q u a

Every time you write something, I just want to USHABKSHSIGDUEGUDYEU hand gestures. To say I wanna squeeze you or kiss you is an understatement. I wish you could read your works through my eyes and mind for once to understood exactly how I feel whenever I read any of your works because I'm not good enough at describing it the way it deserves to be described. I can put it in a simple "omg I loved it so much," but in fact, I want to scream at every paragraph cause every part of it feels like it was meant to be there. When the machine Dottore was trying to fix cracked at the same time as his heart, so did mine. I was feeling everything they were feeling and more (what can I say I'm a sensitive wittle crab) and just screaming at how beautifully the story flowed even though I wanted to pull my hair when Dottore found out you were gone. You make me feel colors when I read your works.

Anyway I'm just left here in awe with nothing but admiration for you and love for your works.

.○o。.○o。.☆ミ.。o○.。o○.

If I could enter my screen and then exit through yours, I would already be in your room like standing in place waiting with my arms outstretched and hoping to give you a big hug and then we can gossip and eat snacks i bring !!

You have truly been one of the nicest people this accursed website has given me the privilege of getting to know and its been like ?? more than a year now?? i think it has been two SKJAD I AM SO LUCKY TO KNOW YOU.

I hope you did some self care after reading that fic and sorry for taking long to reply asdj i saw it and then fell asleep before I could articulate my thoughts babe. Your kindness knows no bounds and I remember your kind words whenever I sit down to write. Thank you for loving Dottore and thank you for loving me and my works. I love you so much i am like TEARY EYED RN i gotta yeet them away

Rambles about the Golden Age Arc Part 15

Leeeets see how far this can go. I think at most we’ll end up with 17 - this one, the eclipse and the eclipse aftermath. But I’m hoping and dreaming that I can pull of 16. And I’m not changing this regardless of what happens, let it stand as a testament to the giddy heights to which I aspired, whether or not I fall short.

(I fell short!)

Rambles about the Golden Age Arc Part 15

1. I have a lot of really complicated feelings about this whole section of the series. I think it’s fantastic, beautifully written, deeply heartbreaking and kind of disturbing? I mean I talked about this a bit last time - the dehumanized way the Hawks in general regarded Griffith, the way they saw him as a ticket to better things and the way they treated him like a doll when he couldn’t help them anymore.

The thing is, I don’t really mean to make it sound like they were disgusting moochers who didn’t care about him or anything. I think they... looked up to him in a way that bordered on religious and like any group of such people, they saw him as the thing that made their life meaningful and brought them comfort and possibilities. And @zombiesgohome, which is a much nicer person than me, also pointed out that its especially difficult for them to let go of the dream of climbing back to the top... because they were THERE. Griffith took them on and turned them into the strongest army in Midland. This group of mostly commoners and the occasional noble-too-far-down-the-line-to-inherit suddenly found themselves knighted, on the verge of peerage. They were war heroes. And then suddenly it all ended and... because they thought of Griffith as untouchable and miraculous and retained that faith in him that they build (with his help) over years, they never doubted for a moment that if they could get him back, they could just do it all over again.

And they’re  so young, right, like even Corkus was only in his early 20s. It would be devastating to feel like all your hopes are over when you’ve just started living. 

So, you know, I get it. But that said.... it’s still very uncomfortable, and i do kind of think it’s intended to be.

It’s telling that as soon as it becomes clear that Griffith can’t help them they try to attach themselves to Casca instead. There’s no... ability to make their own path or forge their own future, they’re always looking to someone greater than them to provide it, and that’s why Griffith never... saw them as friends. Because they had sort of a mutually beneficial parasitic relationship with him really - much moreso than just a normal commander and army.

Also Judeaus line on the first page above is changed in the deluxe edition - it now says “Without Griffith, there is no Band of the Hawk.” Which I think is... much more pointed than just saying he’s the founder. I mean, the group’s name just means “Griffith’s band,” doesn’t it?”

But okay there’s a lot going on here lemme see how I can break down my personal perspective on it...

2. When I’m writing these things sometimes I flash back to some weird shit I saw people say about the series at some point. I mean, it’s definitely obvious when that happens because I start arguing against things no one said to me, but anyway right now the thing in question is the belief that Guts and Casca were still intending to take off, and Guts said he’d stay entirely because Casca said she would (presumably so he could be with her). 

Okay, no. First of all, when it becomes clear that Griffith can’t be their war leader anymore and the Hawks ask Casca to remain as commander, Guts is just about to tell them yeah let’s do it? He has at this point already begun changing his mind, he just hasn’t articulated it yet, and that’s extremely obvious in the scenes to come. What’s more, Casca herself is already wavering, saying she has to think about it. I’m sure some of that is an attempt to stall because I really don’t think she wants to keep leading them - she barely wanted to do it to begin with.. But it’s clear that she also feels an obligation to them as well as to Griffith. 

But really let’s look at Guts. She knows he was about to tell them to keep going. And he is already like, wtf Casca don’t tell me you were thinking about quitting? He has obviously, at this point - and perhaps without even fully registering that he’s done it - begun to give up on leaving and not because he feels obligated the way Casca does but because not giving up is who he is.

Also Deluxe edition - that last panel is “There are some battles a person can’t give up on because they started them.” Which just has a completely different implication - she’s not saying yeah since you started doing this i guess you have to keep going. Rather she’s drawing a line between the battles started by people like Guts and Griffith, who chose a direction and headed in that direction and who cant change courses because it’s their fight that means everything to them... and the battles someone like the Hawks or Casca herself were part of  for someone else’s vision. Because without Griffith that vision is gone, isn’t it? If they keep going what are they even aiming for?

Because Guts is a Big Epic, though, he doesn’t have the same reaction to that loss as everyone else, you know? Because the thing is, even when he was originally part of the Hawks, Guts didn’t actually hang from Griffith’s dream. He did what he wanted. He made his own choices even if it meant disobeying Griffith’s orders. That’s a lot of why Griffith loves him. In the wake of losing Griffith’s guidance he may waver but he still stands up, he still finds a direction of his own. Casca understands the despair that falls on the Hawks without Griffith much better than Guts can not because Guts doesn’t care about Griffith (...obviously. Griffith’s his most important person and anyone who thinks otherwise should read it again) it’s because he is “Just like Griffith.” They’re made of the same stuff. They’re people that get clung to, rather than people who cling.

Except to each other.

Anyway, that becomes really evident with the Raiders in a minute or two.

Deluxe says: I wanted someone to be by my side.

Not a huge difference really, but. Anyway one of the things about Guts and Casca’s romance is that so much of it is, as they both said, licking each other’s wounds. I don’t think that’s meant to discount or undermine their connection, it’s just interesting because the connection grows in their mutual sadness. For a long time I wanted there to be some deep meaning behind her saying that at this moment, but ultimately, now that I’ve taken a step back, I think she’s just explaining why she comes over and leans on Guts. She was just looking for a moment of comfort. 

And Griffith hears it, which is relevant my God, I wish people could read.

Anyway!

And there’s Guts turning the wheels in his head.

3. Anyway back to the scene that some people think is a sexual assault for some godforsaken reason. Look. Not that anyone’s going to listen to me but fuck’s sake. Okay.

Let’s recount Griffith and Casca’s relationship briefly. 

She’s in love with him, but more than that she’s always felt that he gave her strength through being near her and touching her. Whenever she felt anxious he would place a hand on her shoulder and she would feel strong again. He just heard her express her fears and say she wants someone near her. Now she comes into the wagon and she’s bandaging him up. So like ok.

When she first starts, hes just watching her with this soft expression. At this point she’s still calm and composed on the outside. 

But as she continues to think about him and their history, she starts visibly shaking and becoming increasingly upset.

And he’s ... watching her face? Like he can tell she’s getting worked up.

Many people take that look he gets as evidence of his evol or whatever, but he gets it when Guts is endangered and he tries to help him. He gets it when he catches people trying to poison him. He gets it when Charlotte says she missed him. Guts gets it too - ALL THE TIME, when he’s focusing or intent. It’s literally just Miura’s way of visually depicting that kind of mindset, and of course then she knocks over the water in her anxiety which then leads to what people think is some kind of rape attempt.

But like, that obviously makes no sense, right? Because even aside from the non-sequitur that would be, how’s he going to assault her when they’re both fully dressed? How can you call it a rape attempt when she says no and he just kind of hugs her?

Look. I don’t know whether Miura was trying to imply that he was making a sexual move on her - it’s wholly possible, i mean he does focus on their crotch overlap. Or maybe that was meant to show what Casca perceived him to be doing. 

Because this moment does look to me like a moment when her perception of what he’s doing changes. So I don’t know. Maybe he was just trying to hold her like she said she wanted someone to. I don’t know. But calling it a sexual assault is bugfuck and I think people need to pull their twisty glasses off their eyes and stop guzzling the haterade. Confirmation bias is a bitch.

Also, the placement of the scene is kind of obviously meant to call back to all the times she had anxiety and he comforted her, because it’s literally right after she thinks about his tendency to comfort her when she was anxious, followed by her becoming visibly anxious. So like, clearly he’s trying to comfort her? You could say he’s doing it sexually or with poorly coordinated hugs, either really works given his personality, but it’s really not an attempt to assault her. It’s like the Charlotte thing - if you’re reading it that way, it’s because you want to. Full stop.

The other and honestly kind of dickish but still wholly accurate reason this makes no sense as a sexual assault is, even if you perceive Griffith (as opposed to Femto) as someone who would rape a person, the only reason Femto did it was to taunt Guts, and Guts isn’t there so what would the motivation even be?

Moving on!

4. Back to Guts and how he very obviously had no intention of leaving before Casca even opened her mouth about staying. Literally Judeau is like gonna go back to training? and Guts is like “............................................” Like, come on he’s already wavering. But more than that:

He does want to stay for Griffith. Because the second Judeau mentions that he intends to look after him, Guts goes from “.......” to “oh, yeah ok me too.” 

The thing is though, even though I do think in this moment (and since getting back from the rescue), Guts has been wavering because he,... loves Griffith and doesn’t want to leave him in this state any more than Casca does, for example...  his want to stay as a generality isn’t solely about Griffith just like it isn’t solely about Casca - 

It is, in a larger sense, about his growing realization that all the times he wondered where he belonged, he was already in that place and didn’t realize it until it was too late. Because as Gaston says, they’re his family... so how can he leave them now?

But going back to the Judeau scene, the difference between Guts and Judeau in this is really obvious. Because Guts isn’t trying to stay from obligation, he’s trying to stay because he loves Griffith and he loves the Hawks and he doesn’t want to leave them anymore especially with Griffith as he is. For Judeau it’s duty, but for Guts it’s personal. This comes  up again in... Volume 18 I think it is, when he thinks about how how technically he doesn't have the duty or obligation to avenge the Hawks since he wasn’t even a Hawk anymore - he chose to do it because of his own pain, and because he still loves them, and can’t forget them.

Judeau is looking to take care of Griffith because of a sense of loyalty and obligation - like Gambino’s mercenary band taking care of him in his fallen state. 

But Guts just... wants to take care of his friend.

Guts’ face here is pretty funny to me because it is not the face of someone who is enthusiastic about taking off with his girlfriend, it’s like he’d like Judeau to stop meddling in his shit or something. But really Judeau’s main allegiance has been to Casca since way back when - what he really cares about is making sure she doesnt get sucked into Griffith’s orbit again.

Ultimately I do think if the Eclipse hadn’t been triggered Guts would have ended up staying around. I don’t know whether he would have headed off with the Raiders or stuck around with the larger group... and I don’t know whether he or Casca would have ended up leading.  ...well if I’m honest I suspect it would have been Guts because Casca didn’t even want the job and everyone knew, even going back to just after the timeskip, that Guts is the only one who can stand in Griffith’s place without drowning in his shadow. But either way, I don’t think he had any interest in leaving again.

I guess you would have ended up with a situation similar to the merc group he grew up with - formed by Gambino who, post-injury, ended up being taken care of by the group while it operated under a new leader.

It’s a little fitting really, a lot of Guts’ life goes in cycles - eg the way Casca becomes an echo of Cis after the eclipse. Cis who, notably, went mad after a miscarriage.

I mean if nothing else Judeau does know how Casca is. 

Anyway, the thing is, their individual battles with themselves over whether to go or stay, their individual decisions to stay (even if Judeau kinda half-pushed Guts out the door), those are things that don’t really have much to do with each other, right? Yes they are trying to be together, but when it comes down to it they both make a decision about what to do based on what Griffith needs... because in the end they both always focused on him over themselves or each other. I feel like trying to turn that into a non-thing is kind of missing the weight and tragedy of the story because part of the reason Griffith’s actions are so devastating to Guts (and Casca presumably once she actually remembers them) is that they were inflicted by someone that they were willing to kill and die for. Someone they never would have willingly abandoned - even someone they chose over one another. If you see it like Griffith wasn’t that big a deal to them, then the Eclipse actually loses some of its bite to me. 

And it is based on Griffith. Casca is explicitly deciding to choose Griffith because he needs her, but Guts already decided to stay when Judeau said he would take care of Griffith even without knowing what Casca would choose to do, you know? 

This scene really reminds me of Griffith asking Guts if he’s a horrible person and Guts telling him not to worry about it. Because in both cases, Casca-and-Guts are trying to be supportive of this person they love. But much like Guts didn’t fully understand what Griffith was trying to ask him, Casca doesn’t fully understand Guts’ reasoning. Because they’ve been spinning their wheels independently, they haven’t been touching base, she has no idea he already realized that these people are the home he was looking for. She’s trying to support what she thinks he wants.

But... 

In reality, he just regrets leaving to begin with. He wants to stay.

I really want to keep blabbing but I feel like all the Griffith psychology stuff from the hallucination of himself at his prime through the sacrifice needs to be in one post so I guess I’ll lay off for the moment. Also I need to bring tissues to talk about that. 

Besides this one is short in chapters but long in blah blah, so, NEXT TIME.... The Mind of the Hawk! My very favorite topic. Except maybe the Mind of the Dog.

hiiiii katherine!!! 🫂🪄⭐🌿 as a hopeless romantic you and your boyfriend give me so much hope with love honestly!! 💕💌🌷 the way that you gush about him is so refreshing, it makes me remember that real love exists and you just have to be patient for it!!! ✨💐 y'all are so damn cute!!!!! 🥺🪐🎇 were there any distinctive moments where you started to realize you were falling more and more in love with him?

oh and i also wanted to ask, it's weird, so bear (🐻) with me hehe! have you ever like, thought about how much you've been able to grow with like, the type of people you fall in love with? i don't mean to compare or tear down anybody from my past or anything of that sort, but i just feel so proud of myself for falling for somebody so wonderful , if that's even a feeling? 🌟🤸💖🌻 it's just smiling and being happy with them and everything that they are and will be and how they treat and respect you and just overall knowing that your choices have finally led you to them and, i don't know!!!! it feels like that moment you've always have been hoping for is finally here? and i was wondering if you've ever had that moment? or am i just weird as hell lmao? 😂😭😭😭

wow this is longer than i anticipated, sorry about that hehe! 🤍 plus all the ''like''s haha, wow 😭😭 i'll work on articulating things better next time lmaooo 😆 anywho, i hope you have a great day!! 🥺💐🦩

we ARE so damn cute!! Thanks!! I can't describe how full of genuine joy I am all the time just because of him. you'd think the novelty of dating him would wear off after a while but I'm still just blown away at how lucky I am to have him.

one moment where I realized I was falling hard for him was on our second date when he took me to the only waterfall in North Dakota and we hiked there for almost an hour and we reached the end of the path and the goddamn "waterfall" was only like a meter high. And he giggled so hard and said "Pranked ya!"

Also another moment is when he found his favorite pet name for me. "Pretty lady." I love it so much - it might sound tacky but the way he SAYS it - ugh!! So flirtatious with it! He never stops flirting with me and that's sooooo cute honestly.

Our LDR works so well that I thank my lucky stars every day that passes because it's one day closer to moving in with him.

I totally get what you mean!!! I feel like every single thing in my life has led me to meeting my boyfriend. Everything just fell into place after we met. EVERYTHING. Our lives are gonna work out so beautifully!!

hi! i hope this message finds you well :3 i just wanted to say thank you so much for posting your writing! i've read through all of your sasusaku fics starting with Ghosts and then and then A Blue Bathed Litany, then Reanimate and Tongue. i think you're an incredible writer and can't express how much i've enjoyed reading your writing and as someone who also writes here and there - how much seeing your characterization and the themes you decided to delve into inspires me to write!!!! - kae pt.1/?

just to echo what some other people have said about Ghosts, LOVE the way you've characterized sakura! AH! she finally gets the depth that she deserves through your story! and the way you've been looking at her/sasuke's relationship makes me think of conversations i've been having with peers/at work -about reformation and what it means to forgive and to teach/take care of someone who's done harm and let them back into the community. anywho, many a thought on that - kae pt.2/? also! i can't say how much i love the depiction of ino/sakura's friendship and the intimacy of it. there is something so powerful and often understated about feminine friendship and being able to see it told so beautifully and honestly with so much heart in your story is something i really enjoyed and connected with! i think and women are just so awesome in the way they look out for each other and the safety that they can provide for each other - kae pt.3/? anyway! i saw that you are still planning on writing it and are taking the time to flesh it out completely and i just want to say that i hope you are kind to yourself through the process and don't ever feel rushed!!!! i find that writing is such a personal journey and so much has happened in the past few years!!! i'm so glad to see that you plan on continuing it though and will patiently await on any kind of updates that you give! <3 <3 <3 - kae pt.4/? btw i also wanted to add that i've been reading through some of your responses to your asks here and there to get whatever i can for any Ghosts news LOL and wanted to also say that you seem like a super awesome, kind, and emotionally intelligent human and it takes a very special kind of person to write and the create the types of stories you do!!! also just wanted to ask - how are you doing!!! i hope your day/night is very kind to you!!! (i hope all my asks have come through hehe) - kae pt. 5/5 OOPS - SO SORRY. i think i probably read a different ask than one of the most recent ones you did. ANYWAY just wanna say - whether you write Ghosts again or don't - it's totally a-okay!! you take care of yourself first and foremost <3 <3 <3 - kae

Can’t even articulate how happy these asks have made me, or the amount of times I came back to them to feel the warmth of them again. These were so kind and thoughtful, idk how to thank you for them. I’m so sorry I took so long to respond, I try not to talk about this in my responses to asks, but sometimes it’s just so much to process this kind of praise because it’s such a stark contrast from the energies I receive on the daily—energies that made me write a narrative as dark as Ghosts to begin with. It can be a little shocking, and definitely a lot to digest, even though I’m not a stranger to how much people relate and enjoy Ghosts. It’s still very jarring. Definitely welcomed and I’m completely heartstruck by it!! but still I see it and I’m like “Oh God, Oh Fuck” lol. Thank you so much for giving me so much love. Thank you for reading fics, for checking in on this blog, for sending me all these messages. I’m JUST !!!!!!!!!!!!  🥺 🥺 🥺 🥺 🥺 💘 There’s so much you touch on in these asks, I’m so happy people engage so thoroughly with the fic because there’s a lot of subjects that fic and Kishimoto himself discusses in their narratives. Reform and Healing and Integration are so so complex... especially with a character like Sasuke. Systematically, he’s a victim, there’s no question about it. Intimately, in personal relationships like with Naruto and Sakura, he was abusive. And of course the former informs the latter for him but where do you go from there... the very topic I think is greatly mishandled in the real world, and I think Kishimoto does a total 180 in his manga where Naruto just like?? Beats people up and through the power of spirit they are suddenly fully capable of love and authentic growth and healing??? LOL. It’s so bizarre. I don’t have the answers but it’s a conversation to be had and thought on for sure. I’m so so soooo happy you mentioned Ino and Sakura!!! I think my queerness ended up coming out in a lot of unexpected ways in this fic, and their relationship is a part of it for sure, but I just completely agree with you that relationships between women are severely understated. I don’t know how obvious it is, but I fully intended on discussing misogyny in Ghosts, and Sakura and Ino, and also Sakura and her mom’s relationship was meant to really emphasize that. I know there’s low fandom interest in female characters and that their relationships together have even less, (understandably so, because ultimately this was written by cis men who do not have an iota of how women authentically experience themselves, experience the world, and it can be triggering just acknowledging these cardboard cutouts of how cis men see us sometimes...) but really, I couldn’t have written this fic without the pillar of Ino and Sakura’s relationship in place. So much of my own healing and growth has relied on women, and the queer community too. They’ve saved my life. Again and again. I know shonen authors like Kishimoto wouldn’t have a great understanding of marginalized identities like that considering their own social positioning, but man the presence and impact of these communities is very real. Thank you for offering me your patience and affirmations, you have no idea how much I miss writing. I think about it all the time, it drives me crazy lol. I love that you’re a writer too, you probably know what I mean when I say how intimate of a journey it is—how deep we dive to come out the other side with a story that speak back to us and give us our justice. I would kill for that sort of time and headspace again. I’m really hoping to get back there soon. If I can just get an apartment, and some quiet, I think I’ll be able to. There’s so much inside me begging to be let out these days. Regardless, I’ll always keep y’all posted and thank you for letting me know you’re fine either way. It’s reassuring the love I get isn’t conditional like that, I’m just glad you’ve enjoyed that fic, unfinished or not, as much as you have <3 I think this is the first time someone has explicitly asked how I am in a message like this, and god you are such a sweetheart for it. Thank you for thinking of me as more than just an occasional fanfic writer, that was such a warm gesture. I wish I could say I’m doing great but honestly my life is a fucking horror show and I feel like a turd on fire lmfao. I mean, that’s kind of most of our lives right now. I can’t speak for everyone but I don’t personally know people who are doing very good right now. I am with the disabled community, amongst other marginalized ones, and covid combined with the catastrophic political atmosphere has not been kind to us. I’m crossing my fingers and hoping it gets better though, both individually and nationally—and globally too, for that matter. I know international friends have been going through it. Thank you again for these sweet messages kae!!! I really hope you’re doing amazing and there’s a lot of love in your life at this moment, and if there’s not I hope it comes soon!! And I hope you’re as loving and gentle with yourself as you were with me in these asks too. Cheers to the wonders of writing and reading! Sending all my looove~~  💟 💟 💟