getaway

so it was my 20th anniversary with Dude this past weekend, so I got back from the farm on Saturday and on Sunday we drove to the Finger Lakes and stayed two nights in this.... well it was an inn, and it was just this side of bonkers, and it’s a long story but we definitely admired their ability to walk that fine line of wow this is weird and come up on the but i like it side instead of i gotta get outta here.

Anyway it was really lovely and we had a lovely time and the most important thing was the company, of course, yadda yadda, but I got home on Tuesday night into the worst case of Sunday Scaries I’ve had in a while, and I am just. So full of dread and despair today folks, so full of it.

cut for whining, mostly job-search-related but also existential!

Nothing I do is worth money, no job I’ve ever had has actually wanted me there except as a warm body to grudgingly pay the least amount they could get away with. I have no marketable skills. I can write novels, but not on demand. And really, that’s the problem-- up to 80% of my mind at any given time is taken up with fake things, imaginary worlds and situations, and I can’t focus anyway but even if I could, I wouldn’t focus on the real world, because the real world sucks, and I’m wildly productive at real-world things but not in ways that anyone ever in the history of ever has wanted to pay me for. i’ve done a lot of really skilled volunteer jobs but they are all things nobody is going to pay actual money for.

The only thing I want to do, the only thing I have ever wanted to do, the only thing I have ever consistently done, is write, and the way our economy and culture and publishing system works, that is something I can never be paid money for. I will never earn a living, and I will never even earn more than expenses unless I devote attention I simply don’t possess to marketing and other things, which I cannot do and have no skills in. So that’s out.

But I should be honest: all I’m doing is trying to earn enough paychecks in my life that someone will someday say “Okay you can stop” and let me go write for a while, and that’s not going to happen, so.

Yeah I also keep hoping they’ll find money to pay me with at the farm but that keeps not happening. I needed to find myself a job to do that would provide a revenue stream for them to pay me from, but when I tried to be the flowers person they refused to hire me for that one and hired someone who flaked out instead and this year’s plan for that is apparently none of my business, and now i was trying to be the person doing commercial kitchen stuff but they’re already talking about the people they want to hire for that and i’m not any of those either, and I guess I gotta put on my big girl panties and ask directly but I did that for flowers and the rejection really stung and so I’m not looking forward to that. but it’s better than wishing, i suppose.

I had always idly thought if I finished any of my original novels ever I could put those somewhere and sell them but well first I’d have to find the time, and second, watching joy demorra’s (bibliosphere) posts about how little money Amazon actually gives to her is so demoralizing. I’ll only do that if I don’t actually need the money, jesus christ. meanwhile i’d rather sate my encompassing addiction with fanfic because then i can at least be realistic that it doesn’t pay money. Again, better than wishing.

But I’m just old and tired, and all the frustrations of this job I’ve spent twelve years at being grudgingly paid the least they can get away with, with my poorly-defined job description it’s a nightmare to navigate on the daily, are just piling up extra, and I am so tired of the only things I enjoy and am supported in doing in this world are things that do not actually contribute to my actually having food and shelter. It’s not that I’m trying to do what I love or whatever, I know that’s a fake idea, I’m just so tired that there are so many calls for me to work hard in ways I love, and those have to come out of my own reserves, I pay to do them, and then I have to poorly do a terrible job at a job that dislikes me in order to get any money, to afford to be able to do the things I love that cost money to do, and it’s just frustrating because the things I love are also hard work and I don’t know how to solve that. I’m not even explaining it well! I’m just very tired.

It is all irredeemable whining but when I think too hard about this it cuts into my ability to write; I was making progress FINALLY on the next bit of Fit For Pearls until I got the crushing wave of nothing-I-do-is-valued-by-society ennui, which is no fair. If I’m so thoroughly worthless I should at least be able to write some lesbian porn about it, but I was denied.

Honestly that’s the only thing I need, is enthusiasm for that; I gotta solve my actual real world problems on my own. but i would super not mind a reminder that I’ve come far too far with Ciri and Lu to only come this far.

Though if anyone’s got any good leads on part-time remote work I could to to make ends meet that’d be pretty keen.

"For a self-proclaimed researcher... I thought you'd know by now that Psychic-types are weak against Ghost." "Morty-ehehe! B-But I'm nohohot a type specialist!" "Maybe should've thought of that first before deciding to wake me up so early."

A spiritual successor to this lil doodle of mine 🫣💖💕

-. inbox call ♥

*leans back in chair, folds hands over tummy Grandpa Style again* my fingers are itching to bother you folks, but I don't want to jumpscare anyone, so pls leave a like comment & subscribe DROP ME A HEART as a green light to duck waddle into your inbox

Finally made it through (Patreon)

"Truly GOOD works don't have thriving fandoms because people aren't interested in fixing them, so what do they have to write fics/make art about."

Idk about you, but I don't write fic for properties I don't genuinely enjoy and think are, on some level, actually good.

Song of the Day: May 10

"The Ghosts of Beverly Drive” by Death Cab for Cutie

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on this topic, i suddenly remembered this gay person i knew some time ago who was like "why do you always assume men you like are straight you're acting exactly like straight people" and i saw their point but the thing is when a cishet person assumes everyone's straight it's bc of heteronormativity, when i assume men i'm interested in are straight i'm protecting myself from inevitable heartbreak and potentially dangerous situations by telling myself it's impossible anyway and to get over it <3

You know... watching a tv show via a streaming service really kinda... makes you realize how much the art of it is constrained by the medium; specifically ad breaks

Like, they actively disrupt the flow of things because they need a chance to insert commercials, and even if you're not watching it with commercials, there's something forever built in to the timing of the show that's specifically for those commercials

The entire pacing of the show is forced to be warped around it and it's not like that can every be changed cause... show's been shot

Just kinda sucks you know? That cause of toyota or pepsi or all the other pricks who gotta run the ads, a whole lot of shows (good and bad) have ended up having to build in this concession

No grand narrative here, it's just a little bit ass

I really wish blocking someone meant their stuff wouldn’t wind up on your dash at all. Like I understand why it doesn’t, but. still.

Actually, I just need to get better abt checking source urls before I reblog. I try to be mindful, but now and again I Forget and have only myself to blame lmao

bagged a trial shift at a new pub just for my manager to immediately put on facebook if anyone wants an extra shift on wednesday. he knows what im doing

Sometimes my dog likes to stare at me in a power stance

I don't know why he does this

the most infuriating thing in a book is when there's someone who's constantly lying about things they said to the main character, things that happened and stuff like that, and it causes problems. and yet the main character doesn't at any point think to use their fucking smartphone (that they definitely own because it has been mentioned several times) to record any conversations they have.

like I'm sorry but that's just ridiculous. at least write in a reason why they can't do that (phone is broken and they can't get a new one for some reason, the other person keeps surprising them in some way that makes it impossible to start recording, they can't find their phone because the other person hid it, etc.) or that the recordings are gone when they want to use them as proof (phone gets destroyed later, other person deletes recordings, etc.) or literally any reason why they don't think to do it.

security cameras are also a thing that I'm pretty sure everyone knows you can just buy for your own home at this point. they're not expensive. they're not hard to get.

honestly if this happens for let's say the fifth time and it's causing you massive problems, maybe... just maybe... you're a bit of an idiot for not at least trying to get some sort of proof.

And before anyone ever starts to worry I'll see them in my notes and get annoyed or anything, that's literally impossible. I love seeing people's tags on my posts and spam likers going through everything. Especially on older posts like the Monopoly and Uno ones I just reblogged! It reminds me of what I've done and sometimes I'll look at the post again and reread it. It's real nice doing that sometimes and other times it springboards me into a new train of thought based on that and how I can fit those little scenarios into new ones.

So yeah, don't ever worry about being in my notes. I genuinely love to see people in there!

i hate what this last semester has done to me, to all of us really. i am sitting down and trying to do some research for my upcoming bachelor's project and i just... really don't want to anymore? like the entire uni thing is just, so unappealing right now it's actually making me want to cry, because i know i was excited about this in spring, i know i loved uni and the learning process and everything about it. if i hadn't loved it i'd think "ok fine this apparently isn't for me and that's okay" but that's not the case?! and it makes me so furious that the thing that has taken that joy (hopefully temporarily) away from me is just one horribly rotten semester paired with one horribly rotten exam held by one absolutely horrible supervisor :/

Knowing very little about clothing construction beyond the basics of how to hand sew in a straight(ish) line, combined with machine made fast fashion garments that fall apart easily, means it takes me waaaay longer to fix a button or a ripped pocket than it really should