this is such an indulgent au I made for myself that's not even related to selfshipping but i love to imagine the dexholders in a filipino school setting where some of the kids are part of the class officers and this is definitely based on my irl experiences with my old class when I was elementary to... freshman. <3

bad day | jj maybank x reader

summary: jj has a bad day and he just wants to be with you

warnings: angst, cursing, mentions of abuse, sad jj, fluffy ending (ofc)

masterlist :)

(gif credit to the owner)

3.5k+ words

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To the outside world, JJ Maybank has a perfect life. He has the best group of friends, he parties all the time, he has all the freedom in the world, and most importantly, he has you.

To the outside world, it is practically impossible for JJ Maybank to have a bad day. How can you have a bad day when you have a perfect life?

The only person in the world that knew that bad days are actually a common occurrence in JJ’s life, was you.

When the two of you had first started dating over a year ago, you too had believed that JJ’s life was perfect. His outgoing personality and carefree nature were what initially attracted him to you and he fought hard to maintain that persona. It wasn't until three months into your relationship that you realized that the blonde boy had it so much harder than you could've possibly imagined.

Truth be told, JJ didn't open up to you on purpose. In fact, if he had it his way, you would have never had to see him break down the way that he did.

You didn't know what to do when you first found your boyfriend laying on the bathroom floor in the Chateau, body shaking with sobs. At first, you thought he had been in another rough quarrel with Rafe and his friends. But when he looked up at you, tear stains on his cheeks and the saddest eyes you had ever seen, you knew this wasn't just some run-in with a couple of kooks.

It didn't take long for you to get over your original state of shock and comfort the boy. Your younger sister had bad anxiety and experienced panic attacks often, and still, you found yourself on the less prepared side when it came to soothing the blonde you adored so much. It was hard for you to understand that the tough, wild, teenager that you had fallen in love with was simply a cover for the fragile boy inside.

You can still vividly remember sitting on the bathroom floor for hours with JJ. Despite your unfamiliarity with your boyfriend’s suffering, there was not one second that you had even remotely questioned your love for him. If anything, seeing him in such a vulnerable state made your appreciation for him grow.

JJ himself, on the other hand, did not know how to accept the comfort you had given him. He was so used to being alone every time he was feeling down. So used to hiding all of his emotions from the people around him. 

The two of you went through many difficult nights of him pushing you away and trying to block you out. But just as fast as he was building up his wall, you were tearing it down.

JJ doesn't know the exact moment when he allowed himself to succumb to your solace. Still to this day, it's hard for him to believe that someone as beautiful and compassionate as you can possibly love someone like him.

The more he let you in, the harder it was to be without you and now, whenever he had a run-in with his father or was unsure of himself, his first impulse was to call you.

You never hesitated to comfort the boy, knowing that he would do the same for you. And as much as you tried to stay strong for JJ, sometimes everything got to be a little bit too much. 

JJ will never forget the day you were holding him after a fight with his father and you couldn't hold it in anymore. You let out heart-wrenching sobs into his hair. The sound alone brought tears to his own eyes and the two of you held each other all night, whispering sweet nothing to one another.

JJ is having a bad day.

He should have known when he woke up this morning and you weren't in his arms. He glanced over, immediately recognizing your small handwriting on a blue sticky note which was stuck to your pillow. The note explained that your parents had asked you to come home, but that you would come back to the chateau to be with him that night.

have a great day and don't miss me too much lovie!

His heart fluttered at your sweet words. How did he get so god damn lucky? Popping open his phone case, JJ folds your note and sticks it inside, just in case he needs to read it again later.

Despite the loving feeling he got in his chest while reading your note, his day quickly went downhill.

When JJ opened the cabinets above the sink to make himself a bowl of cereal, they were empty. He brushed it off and went to work with an empty stomach.

At the hotel, a group of kids bumped into him while he was clearing a table and he dropped a wine glass on the floor, shattering it. His boss chewed him out for 30 minutes before putting him on dish duty for the rest of his shift.

After work, JJ went to the local market and used his tip money from the day to buy a sandwich and a small bouquet of your favorite flowers for you. He knew you would make a big fuss about him spending his money on you, but he loved to see the cute look of surprise on your face whenever he got you something like this. It made whatever he had gotten for you worth every penny.

On his way back to the Chateau, JJ was stopped by none other than Rafe, Topper, and Kelse on their bikes. He tried his best to ignore them, knowing that you hated when he got into fights, but as soon as Rafe mentioned a snide comment about your ass, JJ immediately threw the first punch. He didn't realize until after the fact that one of them had stomped on the flowers he bought for you.

As much as he hated it, the blonde boy knew he needed to go home to get a fresh pair of clothes. He could always ask you to get a pair from the drawer of his clothes you had in your room, but that would require telling you what had happened and he didn't want to be a bother while you were with your family.

He knew he was screwed when he arrived at his “house” and saw his father's truck parked in the dirt outside. JJ hoped that he would be able to slip by without being noticed, but his horrible luck from the day continued.

His father was in the stage of his drinking where he was drunk enough to be angry with his son, but not drunk enough for JJ to outrun him.

JJ’s cheek throbbed on his walk back to the Chateau and he was sure that he was sporting a fresh black eye. His ribs were sore as hell and the only thing that kept him moving was the thought of seeing you.

When he arrived at John B’s house he instantly took note of your missing car. He prayed that you had simply walked and that he would see you laying on the couch when he entered.

There was someone sitting on the couch, but it was not the person JJ was looking for.

“Dude,” John B said when he noticed JJ’s figure standing in the doorway. “What happened to your face?”

“Where's (Y/N),” the blonde asked, ignoring John’s question.

“She called and said she wasn't sure if she would make it,” Kie said, drawing JJ’s attention to where she was standing. “Her friend Carlee’s boyfriend cheated on her, so she went to comfort her. She said she tried to call you, but it went straight to voicemail,” the curly-haired girl explained.

Glancing down at his phone, JJ noticed it was dead. His shoulders slumped. All he wanted was to see his girl after a shit day, was that too much to ask? He knew first hand your dedication to your loved ones, and he knew it wasn't fair of him to want all of your comfort and love for himself, but he couldn't help it.

You were too nice, he decided. But that's why he loved you so much, wasn't it?

“So what happened to your face,” John B asked again, taking a sip of his beer.

JJ glowered at his best friend. “What do you care,” he snapped. He knew he shouldn't take his frustrations out on John B, but you were his coping method and he didn't know what to do without that.

John B raised his hands in defense, standing up to grab another beer. “Jeez, dude,” he said, “Just asking.”

“Well maybe you should mind your own goddamn business,” JJ yelled.

The brunette boy halted his actions and turned to face JJ. “What the fuck, man?” he asked, voice rising. “You really want to do this.”

“Yeah, I do.” He definitely didn't. “You know,” JJ snapped, “Maybe if you spent time with your actual friends instead of your fucking kook girlfriend, you would know what was going on in my life.”

John B scoffed “That's rich coming from the guy who spends every waking moment trying to impress a girl who's way out of his league,” he yells.

JJ knows he's right. You were too good for him. But you chose him anyway. Why?

“Fuck you,” JJ sneers, shoving past his best friend and walking out the back doors. He needed space.

You were getting ready to leave your friend's house when Kiara called you. 

Carlee was a sweet girl, and her douche of a boyfriend definitely didn't deserve her so you told her exactly that. But this wasn't the first time something like that had happened between them and based on previous occurrences, you figured Carlee would go a week before she decided to get back together with him.

It was times like these where you really thanked your lucky stars that you had found a boy like JJ. The two of you had your moments like any healthy couple, but you knew in your heart that he would never do anything to purposely hurt you.

You smiled when you saw Kie’s contact. “Hey girl,” you answer in a country accent, giggling at the end.

“(Y/N),” she said and your smile dropped, immediately understanding that there was something wrong. “You need to come to the Chateau right now.”

Your feet skid to a stop and you feel your heart drop to the pit of your stomach. “What happened? Is JJ okay?” you ask her in a rushed tone.

Kie’s voice is shaky when she speaks. “He came over today with a black eye and a bruised cheek and when John B asked about it JJ kind of freaked out,” she explains. “They are screaming at each other right now. (Y/N), you gotta come quick,” you could hear yelling in the background.

“I'm on my way,” you assure her, hanging up. You run to your car, heart twisting in worry. It wasn't like your boyfriend to act like this so you knew something had to have happened.

You drove to the Chateau faster than you ever have before, getting there in under five minutes. The second your car pulled up to the house. You were flying out of your car and running inside the screen door.

“He's outback,” John B says upon seeing you enter.

Your eyes snap to him and they soften at the sight of his distraught face. “You alright, JB?” you ask.

He nods slowly. “I've never seen him like that, (Y/N),” John B tells you, his voice laced with worry. “You gotta help him.”

You nod your head, walking outside to find your boyfriend. You don't have to go far, spotting his hunched over the figure on the porch steps.

Slowly, you make your way towards the boy, and despite the fact that it's the middle of summer he is shivering violently.

You place a hand on his shoulder and he immediately flinches away from your touch. Your heart breaks at his reaction. “JJ, love, it's me,” you tell him softly, crouching down next to his body.

Hearing your voice, JJ lifts his head to look at you. His eyes are red-rimmed and filled with tears and the skin around the right one is hidden by blue and purple. Your eyes scan his face and you take note of the bruise on his cheekbone and his split lip. Your hands itch to remove his shirt, knowing that there are more hidden underneath.

The sound of JJ’s choked sob brings your eyes instantly back to his. 

“Oh, J,” you say sorrowfully, opening your arms for him. “C’mere.”

The blonde boy instantly falls into your embrace and you cradle his body tightly. He sobs into your shoulder and you feel a wet patch grow in your shirt. “I needed you, I need you,” he cries into your shoulder.

Softly shushing him, you run your fingers through his hair. “I'm here, J, I'm here,” you tell him, your heart aching for the boy in your arms. You don't know exactly how long you sit there, his hands clutching the back of your shirt tightly.

Slowly, his sobs die down before he is only sniffling every few seconds.

You pull back slightly, tenderly cupping his face in your hands. “Can we go inside?” you ask, gently brushing back the blonde curl that had fallen over his forehead.

JJ nods slightly and you stand up on the porch, helping him do the same. You bite your lip when you notice his subtle limp on the way inside. You notice how quiet the Chateau is and silently thank John B and Kiara for giving JJ the space he needs.

 Leading him into the bathroom, you help JJ sit on the counter and you quickly grab the first aid kit from the cabinet below the sink.

Opening it, you grab a cotton swab and an alcohol wipe to clean his lip and cheek, wordlessly realizing how many times you've had to do this.

“Why are you here,” the blonde boy asks abruptly. If you weren't paying attention you would have missed his small voice.

“What'd you mean, J?” you ask, continuing your work.

JJ sighs. “Why are you here?” he asks again, slightly louder, but still quieter than you are used too.

“Well, I was leaving Carlee’s house and Kie called me and told me that you-” JJ cuts you off, pulling away from your grasp slightly.

“No, (Y/N),” his tone is harsh but you can hear the brokenness laced behind it. “Why are you here? With me instead of with your friends? Or better yet another guy that can buy you nice things and doesn't have emotional trauma? A guy who's not broken?” he says the word with such hatred that it shakes you to your core.

“JJ,” you gasp, hurt flashing across your features. How could he think that? JJ instantly wants to take it back, but he wants even more to know your answer. “You are not broken, you hear me?” you say, honesty clear in your voice. “Your flaws are what make you, you. I don't need fancy gifts or expensive jewelry to make me love you! I love every single thing about you, JJ Maybank. From your head to your toes. I love you just the way that you are and there is nothing you can do to take that away from me. Ever.” Your voice is strong and serious. You leave no room for argument as you continue to patch up his face.

JJ doesn't speak again letting the words sink in, scared that he will break down for the second time that night. His eyes fall to the floor and he lets you tend to his cuts.

When you are satisfied with your work on his face, you tap the boy's arm lightly and his eyes snap to yours. “Lift your shirt so I can see,” you ask him, not making eye contact. When he doesn't move, your eyes lock with his. “Please, J,” you beg, in a quiet voice, “I need to see.”

The blonde knows he will never be able to say no to you, especially when you ask him that way, so he gingerly lifts his shirt over his head, tossing it to the side and wincing when he moves the wrong way.

JJ expects you to pity him. To tell him you're sorry the way everyone does. But you simply stare at his injuries, eyes welling with tears. And this, JJ decides, makes him feel infinitely worse.

Your hand reaches out to trace the large, purple-black bruises. JJ shivers at the touch of your soft hands on his skin.

He grabs your hand suddenly, pulling it up to his lips. “I'm sorry,” he says, voice cracking. “I'm sorry I dragged you into this.”

“Hey, hey, hey,” you say, using the hand not in JJ’s to run through his hair. “None of that, okay? I'm here because I want to be. And I will always be. No matter how many times you try to push me away.”

You feel hot tears on your hand and you quickly slide between his legs, pulling him back into your chest, careful of the bruises on his ribs.

“I love you,” JJ cries into the crook of your neck. “I love you more than anything else in this fucked up world.”

“Shh,” you say softly. “I know, lovie, I know. I love you too. Endlessly.”

JJ pulls back at your words, just enough so that he can look into your eyes.

You used to think your favorite color was purple. When you were ten you painted your entire room purple and even bought purple bedding. But the moment you looked into JJ’s cerulean eyes, it instantly became your new favorite color.

JJ looks from your eyes to your lips before leaning forward to kiss you.

The kiss was soft and passionate explaining every emotion the two of you were feeling. No matter how many times the two of you kissed, your heart raced like it was the very first time. 

Pulling away for air, JJ rests his forehead on yours. 

“What happened today, J?” you ask in a quiet voice. 

JJ bites his lip, leaning back slightly. His first instinct is to tell you that nothing happened and that he's okay, but JJ knows you wouldn't believe him for a second. So he recalls his day, telling you every detail. Just knowing that you know, makes JJ’s heart feel a little less heavy. “A-and I bought you these flowers from the florist on main, y-y'know the ones you love, and I couldn't even bring them to you,” he says sadly.

You caress his cheek. “Love, I don't care about the flowers, all that matters is that you're okay,” you assure him, honesty evident in his voice. “And as for your father, you are staying here or at my house from now on and the next time I see that son of a bi-”

JJ cuts you off, grabbing your hands. The last thing he ever wants is his father hurting you. “(Y/N), no,” he says, the vulnerability in his voice evident. “You need to promise me that you won't confront him. I don't want you getting hurt.”

You sigh, knowing how important this is to the blonde boy. “Only if you promise not to go back there unless I'm with you,” you compromise with him.

He nods, kissing your forehead gently. “Can we please go to bed,” JJ asks and you can hear the sleepiness in his voice. Nodding, you help JJ off the counter and the two of you walk to the spare room in the chateau. The two of you climb into the bed. You are still in your clothes from the day, but that is the last thing on your mind.

JJ moves his arms to wrap around your middle but you gently push his shoulder back. “Turn around, J,” you tell him quietly. You know that JJ secretly loves to be the little spoon and you secretly love to be the big spoon. He would never openly ask you to spoon him, but you can read his body language like a book.

He rolls to his other side and you wrap an arm around his bare middle, careful not to hit any of his bruises. You nuzzle your nose into the back of his tanned shoulder, breathing in his scent deeply.

“I love you (Y/N)” your boyfriend whispers, his hand reaching to hold your hand that is tracing his chest. “Thank you for being here.”

You press a soft kiss to his shoulder blade. “Always, JJ,” you tell him earnestly. “I love you more than anything.”

The blonde boy falls asleep in your embrace, feeling truly safe for the first time that day.

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masterlist :)

Do you think you would enjoy writing a fairytale-esque Nielan story? Except, instead of being the scary beast or the fearsome dragon like he usually is, it's Nie Mingjue who gets to be in the heroine/damsel's role. :D

Toxicity - part 1 - ao3

When Nie Mingjue turned sixteen years old, he was alone.

He had taken nothing with him but his saber, Baxia. He had hugged his brother maybe-goodbye, and then he had gone down into the saber tombs to wait to see if this was the year he was going to go insane.

He hoped it wasn’t, of course. They’d lost his father only the year before, murdered by one of their political enemies – poisoned with his own saber, secretly weakened so that it’d shatter in the middle of a night-hunt and coated with some sort of toxin that ate away his brain within a few months. If Nie Mingjue went insane this year, his little brother, Nie Huaisang, would need to step up as the leader of their sect, and he was only eight years old.

(He didn’t have to spend his eighth birthday shivering in the saber tombs that he hadn’t even known existed before that day, clutching a saber he barely knew, in pain and wondering if he was about to die, but then again, Nie Huaisang wasn’t the one who’d been cursed with a body that cultivated three times as well as everybody else but would eventually cause him to lose his mind when he turned some multiple of eight.)

If he didn’t go insane this year, Nie Mingjue would finally accept the role of sect leader officially, and he’d devote himself to making his sect as powerful as he could in the short time he had left to him. He’d been refusing the role so far, purportedly on account of his grief at his father’s death, and everyone had been very understanding – only those closest to him knew the truth. He would have preferred that Nie Huaisang not know, maybe not ever but definitely not so young, but if Nie Mingjue really did go insane this year then Nie Huaisang would have to be sect leader, or at least sect-leader-to-be with their uncle twice removed acting as sect leader until he was old enough to take charge, so he had to know.

He’d cried a lot before Nie Mingjue left, and there wasn’t anything Nie Mingjue could do about it other than spend a bit of his time in the cold saber tomb mentally cursing the ones that did this to him.

It was, he’d been informed, originally meant as a gift.

His parents had had trouble conceiving shortly after their marriage, all their pregnancies ending up as miscarriages, and rather than marry in a concubine his father, hotheaded and reckless, had taken his bride to the mountains to request help from the dragons that sometimes stayed there as they passed through Qinghe on their mysterious business.

There’d been two of them, apparently. One was a celestial dragon, blue and white as a sky at noon and just as noble, five-clawed and smooth-scaled; the other a lowly flood dragon, yellow-bellied and scuttling and stinking of earth – while the ways of dragons were mysterious, Nie Mingjue’s father had confidently asserted that the two of them were sworn brothers in the same way as men, the latter having once saved the life of the former, and that their brotherhood had once included as its chief the proud azure dragon of the east, green of scale and mightier than either of the others.

The celestial dragon had heard their plea and had been delighted to be asked. He had sung them a song of overwhelming might, filling their ears to the point that Nie Mingjue’s mother became half-deaf, and promised them that they would not only bear a child, but that it would be blessed with the strength of the heroes of the ancient days, so as to serve with honor his parents, his sect, his land, his world. He shall be righteous and unyielding, straightforward and upright, the celestial dragon had declared, and then, having exhausted himself in his exertions, had retreated to the top of the mountain to sleep.

The flood dragon had watched the whole proceeding with a pleasant smile on its face, nodding along in interest, but the very moment the celestial dragon had closed its eyes he had said, Let me give you something too and breathed out poisonous fumes that had choked them both nearly to death. With that pleasant smile still firmly on its lips, it had told them a secret: that the celestial dragon had given them a gift, but that all gifts had a price. Their child would be just like the heroes of old, a candle burning too fiercely – doomed to madness that would turn all his strength into destruction, rendered blind and unable to tell apart those he loved from those he hated, turned into a beast that knew nothing but slaughter.

But not to worry, the flood dragon said. While he did not have the strength of the celestial dragon, he had taken a little bit of their life energy and used it and his own poison to lock away the prophesied madness into one year in every eight, so that their child would be able to live free and carefree the rest of the time.

At the time, they had thanked him, but – Nie Mingjue’s mother had been so weakened by the poison that she had not survived his birth, his father rendered vulnerable to his neighbor’s underhanded attack, and far from living free and carefree Nie Mingjue lived instead in terror of his eventual fate, knowing that one day he would go mad in the worst sort of way.

Some gift!

Nie Mingjue spent his sixteenth birthday meditating in the saber tombs, his saber unsheathed on his lap in the likely vain hope that if he really did go insane, he would turn it against himself out of lack of any other enemy to butcher as his ancestors had once done to animals for trade. He remained there for two days and two nights, wracked with terrible gripping pain from the remnants of the flood dragon’s palliative poison, and emerged only once there was no trace of the date left and he had answered all the questions posed to him by the guards set at the door to the tombs to their satisfaction, proving that he hadn’t gone mad and didn’t need to be left inside to either kill himself or slowly starve to death.

His brother was waiting for him by the gate of their home and had thrown himself into his arms, weeping, and Nie Mingjue vowed to himself that he would use the next eight years of his life to let Nie Huaisang live the best life he could give him.

He did the best he could.

Nie Mingjue devoted himself to strengthening his sect, recruiting steadily and devoting all his time to sect matters, putting aside any frivolity; to each one who rose to a level of sufficient strength and trust, Nie Mingjue entrusted the duty of guarding Nie Huaisang, pleading with them that when he died they would put themselves into his shoes, care for him as any elder brother would. He made sure his borders were well-defended and well-stocked, layer after layer of protections in place in the event of external attack, building it so that it could shut tight like a turtle in its shell, hidden behind an implacable wall of iron. To deal with internal threats, he promoted people on the basis of talent, careful not to have either too many old retainers or too many new faces, wanting each group to watch the other to try to forestall the other.

He tried to strengthen Nie Huaisang himself, but he had much less success with that. Terrified as he was of lashing out against his loved ones, Nie Mingjue found himself yielding time and time again to all of Nie Huaisang’s requests, forgiving all his faults and mistakes, the only educational tools left to him being scolding and appeals to Nie Huaisang’s own good sense.

Still, Nie Huaisang grew up clever, if lazy and a mediocre cultivator, and there was darkness in his eyes when he spoke of dragons, a common artistic motif that never appeared in any of his art.

When Nie Mingjue was twenty three and Nie Huaisang fifteen, he sent letters to the reclusive Cloud Recesses, a sect hidden away in the mountains of Gusu that was renowned for its artistic achievements in music and painting as well as swordsmanship, asking for permission for Nie Huaisang to attend lessons that summer. They agreed, leading to a flock of other sects seeking similar permission lest the Nie sect use the opportunity to form an alliance without including them.

Nie Mingjue had only been trying to find a place where Nie Huaisang could learn skills that would suit him well, and also to keep him out of the growing tensions developing with the Wen sect that had killed his father and had made several attempts to kill him, too, that only failed on account of underestimating his cultivation and martial skills – an easy mistake to make, if you didn’t know his story – but having Nie Huaisang befriend the other sect heirs and shining talents of his generation could only help increase his security, so he approved.

When he came to drop Nie Huaisang off, though, he insisted, as regretfully and politely as he could, on hearing about the defenses they had in place.

“If you do not trust us to protect your brother, perhaps you should rethink sending him to us at all,” Lan Qiren said, voice sharp and querulous. He was the sect’s representative – not actually sect leader, but the one who left their reclusive abode to do the external parts of the job normally associated with leadership – and the teacher in charge of the visiting students, and Nie Mingjue did not want to offend him, but he also knew how insidious the Wen sect could be when they wanted. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other, unwilling to retract the demand but also not wanting to spoil Nie Huaisang’s visit before it had even begun.

“It is a reasonable request,” said a calm voice that nevertheless carried with it a hint of laughter from behind his back, and Nie Mingjue tensed, not having heard someone approach. “Let me show Sect Leader Nie around, uncle.”

Lan Qiren’s face softened at once, something Nie Mingjue had never seen happen on his face before; he stroked his beard and cleared his throat before nodding, saving face by allowing himself to be persuaded.

Nie Mingjue saluted and bowed deeply, murmuring, “My sincere thanks for your indulgence,” before turning to look at – the most beautiful young man he’d ever seen in his life, actually. Tall and slender, dressed in the Lan sect’s white and blue, with a xiao tucked into his belt and a gentle smile on his face and warmth in his eyes...

Nie Mingjue had to clear his throat himself before saluting him as well, although the young man hummed immediately in disapproval and caught him before he could bow. “Nie Mingjue,” he said. “Of Qinghe Nie. And you are…?”

“Lan Xichen,” the young man said, omitting even his sect affiliation – though that was obvious enough. “Come with me, I’ll show you the main defenses we have set in place, although not all of them, of course.”

“Naturally,” Nie Mingjue hurried to say. “I would never want to pry into your sect’s secrets, Lan-gongzi! It’s only – my younger brother…”

“You’re worried about him,” Lan Xichen said, his smile deepening. “I understand.”

Normally, Nie Mingjue would leave it at that – he was not overly given to speaking with people, but he couldn’t help himself in this case. “He’s all I have in the world,” he admitted. “And I know I can’t protect him forever, or even for very much longer, but…what I can do, I would do.”

“You don’t need to explain, Sect Leader Nie –”

“Please,” Nie Mingjue said gruffly. “Call me by name.”

“Then I insist you call me by mine,” Lan Xichen said.

Nie Mingjue nodded, and they walked in comfortable silence. After a while, he, again uncharacteristically, initiated conversation: “You called Teacher Lan uncle, and he seems especially fond of you, much more than most. Are you directly related?”

“Oh, yes,” Lan Xichen said. “I’m his – ah, his nephew.”

Nie Mingjue frowned. “Really? I thought that was Lan Wangji…?”

“My younger brother,” Lan Xichen said, and he looked so pleased that Nie Mingjue didn’t have it in him to question any further, even though he’d really thought that Lan Wangji was the sole sect heir.

Still, when they came across Lan Wangji himself a little later, he saluted them both and referred to Lan Xichen as ‘xiongzhang’ – formal, but then again, Lan Wangji was very formal in all things – with a minute change of expression that suggested adoration, even awe, and so Nie Mingjue told himself that perhaps he had been mistaken. Or perhaps he had simply misunderstood, perhaps Lan Wangji was only the acting sect heir for external affairs, in the same way that Lan Qiren was, or maybe Lan Xichen had simply been exempted from the line of inheritance for whatever reason…

Either way, it wasn’t really his business.

He certainly wasn’t going to bring it up in front of Lan Xichen, with whom he unexpectedly got along splendidly – the conversation flowed easily, ranging over all sorts of subjects, and Nie Mingjue felt comfortable as if he’d known the other man for years.

“We must have been brothers in a past life,” he told Lan Xichen, and noticed the way Lan Xichen’s eyes grew briefly distant and dim, a little sad.

“We must have been,” he agreed, and clasped Nie Mingjue’s hands in his. “Regardless, I do not have words to express how much joy it brings me to meet you again in this life, my friend.”

Nie Mingjue went home feeling as light as air.

He clung onto that feeling throughout his twenty-fourth birthday, when the pangs of the poison wracked his body into horrific spasms, his back arching and arms and legs thrashing and every vein and meridian in his body aching fit to burst; it hurt so much that he thought he really would go insane, but just when he thought it was too much the pain began to fade and he survived.

Still, the experience was a bitter reminder that no matter how much Nie Mingjue’s heart sang and mood brightened at every letter from Lan Xichen, no matter how much he looked forward to discussion conferences as much as he had previously despised them only for the chance to see him, they could never be anything more than friends.

Distant friends, even. Bad enough that he would cause Nie Huaisang so much pain when he died too young – it didn’t seem right to impose friendship on someone else who did not know.

Of course, thinking was one thing and enacting another, and Lan Xichen ignored every attempt he made to try away and put distance between them, visiting whenever he didn’t answer letters and refusing to be dissuaded when he tried to keep his responses curt and uninviting.

“Xichen, please,” Nie Mingjue said one evening, when they had been walking the ramparts in the Unclean Realm, he in his familial green and Lan Xichen in blue but both cast into equal shades of grey in the light of the moon, and he thought he’d never been happier in his life. “You don’t understand – I’m going to die, and you’ll be left behind. How can I do that to you?”

“Even if you died tomorrow, I would be happy to have been your friend today,” Lan Xichen declared, and Nie Mingjue wanted to kiss him more than anything. “Don’t push me away, Mingjue-xiong. Please.”

Nie Mingjue always yielded to those he loved most.

“All right,” he said with a sigh. “All right. Only promise me that you’ll stay safe, and that if – if I ever turn on you, or threaten you –”

“Remember that I can defend myself,” Lan Xichen said with a laugh. “Better than you might think. You aren’t nearly as bad at controlling your temper as you think, Mingjue-xiong.”

Nie Mingjue couldn’t explain more without explaining it all, and he didn’t want Lan Xichen to pity him, so he didn’t. They parted on good terms, with Nie Mingjue promising to return each correspondence as soon as he received them this time, and to let Lan Xichen know if he got any more “stupid ideas” from which he needed to be dissuaded.

The next letter arrived in the hands of a young man with a pleasant smile who introduced himself as Meng Yao.

“Xichen-xiong said that you valued talent and recognized merit,” he said. “I thought I might prevail on his recommendation, if you have room…?”

Nie Mingjue thought to himself with a smile that Lan Xichen had sent him a babysitter, and agreed to accept Meng Yao as a guest disciple. It didn’t take long to realize that Lan Xichen had sent him a treasure, brilliant at organizing and personnel management, wise beyond his years, and while he didn’t want to embarrass his friend by thanking him directly, he made sure to speak very highly of Meng Yao in all his letters.  Lan Xichen responded warmly, saying how happy he was that Nie Mingjue was surrounded by people he trusted who supported him, and Nie Mingjue thought to himself with satisfaction that his message had been understood.

Dare | Obi-Wan Kenobi

Request: okay! could i request where you and obi wan kiss for the first time as padawans? // @laorme34

(a/n: I was up till like 2am writing this, so pls excuse any mistakes. It probably doesnt make much sense, oh well, It’s basically just fluff, I hope you like it. not my gif.) 

word count: 1.9k

Coruscant was beautiful at night, there was no denying it. The glowing lights shining from stories upon stories of skyscrapers, the constant buzz of traffic and people. Some may find it unsettling, but you thought the living city was perfect.

You and a few of your fellow padawans had spent the evening relaxing in the Temple gardens, a peaceful oasis amidst the bustling Coruscanti streets below. 

It was Carnival Week, which meant nights filled with fireworks and dancing, colourful acts parading every avenue and boulevard until the sun began to rise over the living, breathing metropolis. But more importantly, for you it meant a week off normal Jedi duties and more time to spend with your friends.

It was a small gathering, but a lively one. The laughter and gossip had flowed easily, a well needed change of pace from your usual hectic lives. But you couldn't help but keep glancing across the circle to look at Obi-Wan Kenobi, the seemingly perfect padawan, excelling in every task his master set for him. He was sprawled lazily across the grass, staying quiet in the conversation, except to occasionally contribute a witty quip. A cheeky grin always followed, basking in the laughter he induced, before settling comfortably into silence once again.

You had known Obi for many years, training with him frequently when your masters worked together. You weren’t entirely sure what it was that drew you to him - that blinding smile that could light up your day in an instant, his endless generosity, kindness that knew no bounds, or his infectious enthusiasm for almost anything. Maybe it was the way he would always check on you after a particularly hard mission, or  maybe the sound of his carefree laughter when you told him a joke. Or maybe it was just that sometimes, when he looked at you, it would feel like the whole world had disappeared and the only thing that truly mattered was that distinct shade of deep blue that coloured his eyes and the way his long auburn lashes framed them so beautifully.

It was safe to say that you were harboring just a little crush for Obi-Wan.

After a few more hours of chatter, the cool night air began to creep in. It wasn't unbearably cold, not to you anyway, as the bulk of your thick cloak stifled the breeze and trapped any welcome warmth. It seemed that the drop in temperature was not to your friends’ tastes, as one by one they began to trickle away, each making their polite excuses before retiring to their warm beds. But you weren't ready to sleep yet.

Now there was only one person left with you in the garden. Obi-wan sat opposite you, seemingly unaffected by the gentle chill that had driven away your peers.His knees were pulled up to his chest, his chin resting there and his arms wrapped tightly around his shins, making himself as small as possible. Maybe it was to conserve heat. He seemed comfortable just to watch you, a faint smile across his face as he took you in. 

You crossed your legs underneath you, one hand fiddling with the petals on the nearest flower, the other tugging on your braid self consciously. It’s not that you were uncomfortable in Obi-Wan’s presence, no. It was more that you were worried. Worried that too much time spent with Obi’s charms and silver tongue would result in your secret slipping out. He was famed for his clever negotiations after all, and it would be so incredibly mortifying for him to discover your little crush.

Best to leave now

But before you could even make your feeble excuse - I have to water my succulent, Obi’s voice cut through the silence.  

“You want to play truth or dare?” 

Looking up at his grinning face, you realised he was deadly serious. You hadn't played truth or dare in years, but you knew that it could easily result in chaos. You could embarrass yourself in front of Obi-Wan or, even worse, your secret could come out. But...you didn't really want to go to bed yet. Whatever happened, you would probably both forget about it in the morning. Maybe it would even be fun.

“Yeah, sure.”

Obi clapped his hands together excitedly and shuffled closer. 

“Okay, you first then. Truth or dare?”

Your first dilemma. Choose truth and possibly reveal some of your deepest secrets? You could always lie, but you had a feeling that Obi would know. He seemed to have an advanced perception of everything.Well, he was on his way to becoming the perfect Jedi after all. No, truth was too much risk.

“Dare.” you tried to sound confident.

Obi chuckled, looking around as if searching for ideas. His gaze stopped suddenly when it reached the largest tree in the garden, an enormous oak stretching up at least two stories. A mischievous glint appeared in his bright eyes. 

“I dare you to climb that tree.”

Your mouth fell open in disbelief. Even with trained agility and balance, climbing the oak would be a tough job. Obi noticed your reluctance.

“Don’t worry, darling. I’ll catch you if you fall.” A whisper in the night, followed by a comforting kiss to your cheek.

Five minutes later, you had dropped back to the ground, the leaf in your hand from the top of the tree a token of your success. 

“Just for you.” You giggled, placing the leaf in Obi’s palm. He wrapped his fingers around it, looking down at it before his gaze once again returned to you. There was fondness in his eyes, along with an emotion you couldn’t quite place. It looked almost like desire...but no, you must have been mistaken. Just fondness. 

“Your turn, Obi. Truth or dare?” 

“Truth.” No hesitation there. He sprawled back down on the grass, waiting patiently for your question. 

Obi-Wan didn’t mind what you asked him, in all honesty. He’d never lie to you. He’d come to terms with the fact that he loved you almost a year ago and was prepared to do anything for you if you asked him to. The love that he felt for you was like a burning ember in his chest, always there, always ready to break free and burn brightly if the moment called. But for the most part, he had to keep it hidden. The Jedi Order wasn't exactly welcoming when it came to forbidden attachments.

Sometimes he thought you were blind, oblivious to his loving gestures. Coming to find you and tuck you into bed after a long mission, travelling to the library late at night to search a book that you desperately needed, using his wit to get you out of trouble with your master whenever you got caught - surely these meant more than being just friends? But Obi had been patient, biding his time. He knew tonight was the night.

Mind racing, you wracked your brain for a good truth. Something lighthearted, but not stupid, interesting, but not too deep. You settled on a relatively tame question.

“Who’s your least favourite Jedi on the council?”

Obi hummed, rubbing his chin and jaw in thought.

“I’m afraid I’ll have to say Master Windu. He accidentally bumped into me in a corridor a few days ago. I split my coffee and I haven't forgiven him yet.”

You burst into laughter at the pettiness of Obi’s answer. His deep chuckle joined your giggling in a pleasant harmony.

“Listen, love, my morning coffee is very important to me, i cannot function without it!”

This only elicited more laughter from you, and the next few minutes were spent lying on the floor, trying to catch your breath. You turned your head to see Obi lying in a similar position, watching you. He was always watching you it seemed, just as you constantly stole glances at him. Obi-Wan was just more confident, upfront. He always had been.

“Truth or dare?” 

“Dare.” The word was barely a whisper, but Obi Wan heard it loud and clear, all his attention on you. He paused for a moment before speaking.

“Kiss me”

Those cerulean eyes never left yours. He was being deadly serious, once again. 

You jerked back, shocked, his two words ringing in your ears. Did he know your secret? Had he read your mind somehow? Maybe he had noticed your gaze catching on his lips, engrossed by the way his tongue would dart out and wet them, how soft they looked in the moonlight and -

No, he couldn't know.

Obi-Wan noticed the panic gripping your features and reached out to your hand slowly, gently taking your palm in his. Maybe he could still convince you. He wanted this so badly and he could just feel that you wanted it too.

“I’m not joking, darling. Please kiss me.”

“I-” 

Words escaped you, only feelings and images tumbling through your mind as you took in the situation. Obi-Wan. Your crush Obi-Wan. Wanted to kiss you. You.

The feeling of his thumb rubbing across your knuckles calmed you slightly and you took a deep breath in. This was it.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn't have said that -” Obi began to pull away, his cheeks becoming flushed with regret and uncertainty, but you squeezed his hand and shuffled closer, a surge of courage running through your veins.

“No, Obi, I want to kiss you. So badly.”

And you leaned forwards, placing your lips on his gently, resting your free hand on his shoulder. A spark of pleasure ran between you. Obi-Wan gasped at the sudden contact, shuddering slightly before moving to kiss you back. He hummed softly and carded his hand through the hair at the back of your neck, pulling you even closer in.

It was almost like a collision, the pining and tension coming to a head after months, like a water breaking through a dam to flow freely. It was everything.

His heady aroma of sandalwood and cinnamon was intoxicating and you could feel the warmth of his body through the thick layers of wool and cotton. You had a sudden desire to just peel his robes off there and then, but you pushed it back down. That could wait.

Your noses bumped together and you could feel Obi smiling against your mouth.

Maker, his lips were just as soft as they looked.

You pulled away slowly, but kept your forehead pressed against Obi’s, your hand wrapped around the back of his neck, rubbing the skin where his hairline started. His large palms skimmed up and down your sides, pressing into your robes as if he was trying to sink through them and reach your warm skin.

“Finally.” 

Another whisper in the night, except this time it came from Obi. And this time, when your eyes met, it did truly feel like you were drowning in his cerulean orbs, and the world had in fact disappeared. All you could see, smell, feel, was Obi-Wan Kenobi, and that was just how it was meant to be.

Obi Tags: @ohhellokenobi @doublesunsets @snips-n-skyguy0501 @karasong @callmearwen @milleniumvalcon @rosionis @afogocado @stardancerluv @goldenkenobi @fenharel-enaste @corellians-only @weirdfangirl2416 @a-seeker-of-imagination @saintlaurentkenobi @justanotherpadawan (Taglist link in bio)

Mods’ Reads: January 2020

Here’s the list of everything the Mods have read this past month!

Mod Blue

Sine Tactu by justanotherStonyfan (complete | 22,586 | M)

“Want me to help with this?” Steve says quietly, head about level with James’ stomach as he stares up at him, fingers reaching up for James’ fly, but James shakes his head.

“No,” he says, wets his lips - Steve is all skin and muscle and he’s totally naked and he’s right here and- “no, I’m.” He swallows hard. “I’m not getting naked. This is about you.”

Part 29 of Honey Honey

Propius by justanotherStonyfan (oneshot | 6,178 | E)

Steve comes home kicking snow off his shoes, although a lot of it’s gray colored, and he’s shivering. Despite that, his cheeks are bright with the cold and his smile is bright with affection, camera in hand.

“Hi!” he says on a breath, shoulders hunched to keep the cold air out of his collar, and James smiles, crosses the conversion to reach him, and grabs the trailing ends of Steve’s scarf to draw him down for a kiss hello. “Mh.”

James wrinkles his nose as Steve’s nose presses into his cheek.

“Jesus, you’re freezing,” he says, and Steve laughs softly.

“Yeah,” he says “That’s why I came back inside.”

Part 30 of Honey Honey

I Believe In Something More by cydonic (complete | 74,304 | M)

In April of 2014, two very important things happen: The Winter Soldier is prepped for a mission as part of Project Insight which never ends up happening, and Steve Rogers finds out his mother is dying.

In October of 2018, Bucky Barnes and Steve Rogers meet in the Sculpture Garden at UCLA. Bucky has spent the ensuing years building a life for himself, learning that he likes to study in the sunshine and build friendships with people who just think of him as ‘that nice guy who’s really smart’, not what he used to be. Steve has tried to make it in Brooklyn, but everything reminds him of Sarah. He needs a change of scenery, and following his childhood best friend Sam Wilson over to California seems to be the way to do it.

Rare Is This Love (Keep It Covered) by histoires_eternelles, musette22 (complete | 66,773 | E)

It's 2014. Captain America has been out of the ice for three years and is trudging along, saving the world and trying to get used to living in the future. Steve thinks he knows how the rest of his life is going to pan out – a life of duty, which he chose when he signed up to be Erskine’s science experiment. But then, he meets Bucky Barnes: the out-of-this-world-gorgeous mechanic and war vet, who turns Steve’s life upside down and makes him question everything he thought he knew. Slowly, Steve comes to realize there is more to life than duty and punching Nazis. Just one problem though: how on earth does a 96-year-old virgin who only just realized he may not be entirely straight make the transition from crush to relationship? Cue healthy amounts of self-doubt, awkward flirting, pretty blushing, existential crises, emotional growth, and maybe, possibly, a sexual awakening.

darling heart, i loved you from the start (but that's no excuse for the state i'm in) by voxofthevoid (oneshot | 19,725 | T)

“I thought you’d make a terrible Nazi but turns out you’d make a terrifying one instead.”

The year is 2012. Loki has vanished with the Tesseract, and Manhattan is a blazing wreck. A very tired Steve Rogers goes home and meets another very tired Steve Rogers.

Or, the one where Steve saves the mind stone for last and decides to fuck the timeline beyond all recognition, which regrettably involves crawling delicately up Hydra's asshole and less regrettably involves showering a very confused Bucky Barnes with affection.

Kissin' by the mistletoe (Love came to stay) by obsessivereader (oneshot | 4,949  | E)

“I told you,” Steve wheezes, as he tries to catch his breath. “Didn’t I fucking tell you we'd fall if you didn't quit pushing?”

He’d laugh if he had any air left in his lungs. Instead, all he can do is stare up at Bucky as the sound of his carefree laugh winds its way around Steve’s heart. He barely even registers the cold seeping in through his jacket and jeans as he lies in the snow, attention catching instead on the snowflake clinging to Bucky’s lashes. Were Bucky’s eyes always that luminous? The crinkles around his eyes so endearing? Were his lips always that pink?

Bucky’s laugh dies away at Steve’s continued silence. A strange expression settles on his face, like he’s looking into the face of a stranger for the first time, studying and cataloging Steve’s features one by one—eyes, nose, mouth.

Based on this tweet, which has, sadly, been deleted: FUFJFJ ITS SNOWING A LOT IN NY RN AND IM WALKING HOME AND THESE GUYS ARE LIKE PUSHING EACH OTHER IN THE STREET AND ONE GUY GOES “YOU ASSHOLE STOP PUSHING ME IM GONNA FALL” AND THE OTHER GUY WAS LIKE “.... For Me?” and the other guy was like bro... no fuck you” AND THEY BOTH FELL

Part 2 of Happy Steve Bingo!

thot through the heart (and you're to blame) by Deisderium (complete | 9,899 | E)

"You look like shit," Steve says, and that breaks the spell a little because fuck you, Steve, he looks good. Steve's nostrils flare. "Is that—is that blood on your mouth?"

Oh, fuck. Bucky needs to work on not being a sloppy eater. He wipes his mouth hastily, and without thinking, licks his hand clean. Steve stares.

*

In which Bucky is a baby vampire, a disaster, out to have a good time, and hopelessly in love with his roomate; and in which Steve has a few secrets of his own.

Part 1 of food for thot

Scratched Ragged and Rubbed Raw by cheesethesecond (oneshot | 3,788 | T)

“How are you gonna sleep tonight,” Bucky asked, letting his head fall back against the wall and closing his eyes, “knowing that a guy who tried to kill you is sleeping in the next room?”

“Like a baby,” Steve said.

This Lonely Hour Before Daybreak by cheesethesecond (oneshot | 2,912 | T)

Steve knew there would be good days and bad days. That’s how this sort of thing worked.

Except sometimes, the bad days go like this.

Something Great by dragongirlG (oneshot | 1,485 | G)

The Soldier knows he is not Bucky Barnes, but he still seeks out Steve Rogers after the helicarriers fall, inexplicably craving Rogers' affection. Rogers gives it. (Basically, the Winter Soldier wants a hug. Steve gives him that and a little more.)

Based on a prompt from withinmelove: I have a love for Winter Soldier as his own person so Winter Soldier and Steve cuddling is my prompt! Maybe WS is touch starved and is really eager to be affectionate with Steve who is happy to be close and tender with him.

The Right Partner* by LeeHan (oneshot | 41,651 | E) *graphic violence

“Now, correct me if I’m wrong,” Bucky said, tapping his chin thoughtfully, “but I believe I was promised a mocha.”

When he turned to look at Steve there was laughter in his eyes and a touch of heat in his smile.

Dating a civilian was always risky. Luckily, Bucky seemed like a nice, genuine guy and Steve knew he could gently reject him with the smallest shrug and that Bucky would accept his decision easily. It was the smart thing to do.

“Don’t forget the croissant.”

—

Steve meets a beautiful man with a bright laugh on a sunny day in Italy. Captain America meets the elusive Winter Soldier moments later.

Date Bucky Barnes. Defeat the Winter Soldier. Bring down Hydra. How hard could it be?

Pedantic Affectations by fannishlove, relenafanel (complete | 15,858 | M)

Steve Rogers: khaki pants and ugly tweed wearing art history professor specializing in historical queer art (by day). Is actually Captain America, vigilante and the bane of Detective Barnes’s existence (by night).

Detective Bucky Barnes: A very clever cop who suspects something is up with Steve. Is frustrated that Captain America exists and is dedicated to finding him because he loves a good puzzle.

So, how does Steve convince Bucky that he's too boring to be Captain America? Go on a date with him.

(Steve is kind of really, really bad at this secret identity thing)

The Comfort in Certainty by justanotherStonyfan (complete | 20,554 | E)

"You were right when you said we need to talk," Steve says softly ... "Is there anything you want to say first?"

... James can't stand the suspense. If it's going to happen, if he's going to do it, James wants that bandaid ripped off now.

"Is this a breakup talk?" he says, and his wishes his voice would be stronger but he’s almost glad that it’s not.

Steve takes a deep breath in through his nose.

Part 31 of Honey Honey

Honeypot by cleo4u2, xantissa (complete | 133,204 | E)

Preconditions: One Sasha Marozow - internationally renowned assassin for hire, known as the Winter Soldier, ex-Hydra operative freelancing for the last five years; One Steve Rogers, Captain America - recently defrosted national hero and Avenger; One assassination contract; One set-up known in the intelligence community as the “honeytrap”.

Expected Result: One Winter Soldier in custody, the name of his employer attained.

Actual result: Definitely not as expected.

Part 1 of Honeypot

Give Up the Ghost* by cleo4u2, xantissa (oneshot | 19,518 | E) *graphic violence

They were happy together and the year had been good for them. They thought nothing could tear them apart. They were wrong.

Part 2 of Honeypot

i'm a believer (got a fever running through my bones) by voxofthevoid (oneshot | 16,742 | E)

Everyone knows Captain America is an alpha. His tragic romance with Howard Stark is as popular a topic for movies and academic papers as his exploits in the war. Sure, Stark never said a word, and he clearly moved on, given that Tony Stark is currently alive. But even now, people like to gossip in hushed whispers about how sad it is that Howard Stark passed away a mere two years before they found the good Captain in the ice.

Bucky gets it, alright? Alpha/omega is the norm. Matches sanctioned by god or whatever bullshit your conservative Christian sect of the day likes to ramble about. It’s the twenty-first century, and the world still runs on a maddening policy of straight until proven otherwise. Thing is, Bucky has most certainly proven otherwise and has been doing so since he was a wee alpha panting after some knothead or the other because being queer didn’t magically make him any less stupid than your average horny teenager.

Bucky’s an alpha, Bucky likes alphas, and he’d love nothing more than to climb Steve Rogers like a goddamn monkey bar.

- Steve meets Bucky on a flaming helicarrier. It’s not the most romantic first meeting, what with the Nazis and the bullet wounds, but they make it work.

the jackpot question  by biblionerd07 (series, ongoing | 16,126 | G-T)

Steve needs a ride home for Christmas. Bucky needs a passenger.

Winter Gorgon* by Quarra (complete | 74,067 | E) *graphic violence

For as long as Steve could remember, all he ever wanted to do was what was right. So when he hears about his father's old regiment being held as POW's by the Nazis, he's determined to put what Doctor Erskine gave him to good use and goes AWOL to rescue them.

But the 107th isn't all he finds there. Deep in the labs is a very unusual prisoner; one with snakes in his hair and a mask nailed to his face. Despite the man's monstrous visage, Steve can't in good conscience leave him to the enemy. That one act of mercy will change his life, the course of the war, and even the future of the world.

tentacledipity | four

tentacledipity | four

➛pairing: jimin x reader

➛genre: alien au, space au, soulmate au, wanted au, smut (coming)

➛rating: sfw

➛words: 8.1k

➛warnings: none! well, a sprinkle of grinding and tentacle mentions but other than that *shrugs*

➛notes: finished this in the early hours of the morning so please dont mind any spelling or grammar mistakes if there are any pls & thank u!! also thank u for being so patient, uni isn’t kicking my ass per se but it’s definitely taking up a lot of my time these days! i hope u all like the next does of tentacle adventures!

ps; I will add links at a later date! pls enjoy & lmk what u think!

This tale starts, as any good fiction does, with a girl crash landing on a foreign planet. And, like any good fiction, it follows a theme of serendipitous happening, and tentacles. Behold, serendipity and tentacles— or dare we call it…. tentacledipity.

— posted; 23.04.2019 // ↞ prev. || four || next ↠

“What, you’re not even going to try and stop me?”

At your question, the two males shared an exasperated look.

“Well, no,” Jongin answered plainly, pointing an accusatory finger your way as he narrowed his eyes halfheartedly. “What is the point? You are just going to get away, anyway.”

Your incredulous gaze was drawn to Jongdae next, as he continued where his partner left off. He seemed entirely too pleased with himself, lips curled in a smug, kittenish grin and his expression sly, marks coloured light yellow. “Besides, we are no longer required to watch you. We have been relieved of our duties. Which, personally, I am more than glad for. I think I have aged more than ten sweeps from the stress alone of trying to keep track of you. Really, are all humans so slippery?”

“No, probably not. Just me.” You shrugged in answer, before his earlier words caught your attention and you gaped. “Wait—what do you mean ‘relieved of your duties’? I’m free?”

Jongin shrugged, stretching indolently across the cushioned swing that you’d found him and Jongdae reclining on, out on a patio near your rooms, when you’d attempted to sneak out of the wing. Now that you thought about it, they did have a particularly carefree air right now, something you weren’t really expecting considering how wired you’ve seen them some days.  Jongdae swung one leg over the other, completely lax. The action left you in a state of shock, almost.

You continued to sputter for a moment, your brain unable to comprehend the sudden change in the status quo. Sure, this whole time you’d protested the fact that they thought you needed babysitting—ignoring the fact that it was thanks to an incident that came about thanks to you being a dumbass. But, if you weren’t under ‘watch’ anymore… who were you going to have fun evading and escaping? This was the highlight of your days sometimes, what were you going to do now that you couldn’t do it anymore? This felt like a big disruption to the routine you’d established here.

“Do not know, do not care,” Jongdae smiled at you. “We have not been told what will be happening.”

“Wh-what so I’m just, I’m just supposed to sneak around and pretend there are people trying to catch me?” you burst, feeling a little indignant. They should have consulted you first! This was unfair. “Who am I supposed to torment when I’m bored? Who am I supposed to trick with sweets and flee while they’re distracted?!”

Jongin lurched forward, eyes wide. “So you ADMIT that you did that to trick us!”

“No!” you wailed, mournfully. You turned away, dramatic as they likely expected you to be. “They were friend gifts… but I guess they mean nothing now. I’m… I’m leaving. I’m ending my friendship with you two. I’ll…I’ll find some other guard friends— better guard friends— who will chase me as long as I want them to!”

You stomped your foot, fighting a smile at the sound of their barely restrained snorts. You give them a half-hearted glare over your shoulder before turning and yelling, “Don’t look for me! You won’t find me!”

The second you started to walk away they could no longer hold their laughter and the sound of it makes you grin as you retreat down the hall, not bothering to try and sneak as you had earlier now that you knew no one was there to catch you. It was oddly liberating, to be honest, and you didn’t quite know what to do with the freedom. Maybe that’s because even when they were ‘watching’ you, you weren’t exactly restricted. Really, it was a wonder Jimin made them try for so long when it clearly had little to no effect.

Your arms swung a bit as you walked, a bounce in your step. You can’t even remember where you were going in the first place now. It wouldn’t surprise you at all if you didn’t even have a destination in mind when you left your room, actually. You’d been a bit lost in your thoughts lately.

There was a certain someone to blame for it.

As usual, the source of your dilemmas and deep-thinking was the ever-elusive Mister Jimin. Except, after the events of the other night in the hall, which were still painfully fresh in your memory, he had lost his right to the ‘elusive’ title. He hadn’t been bothering to try and avoid you any longer, something that kind of made you want to scream. It was what you wanted, yes, but not quite so soon and so intensely. You’d been in withdrawal for weeks and then he’d gone and given you such a big hit at once that you weren’t ready for it. You’d probably need another three weeks to come to terms with the male’s sudden flip that night and following one-eighty change in behaviour.

You were a little ashamed and excited to admit that he’d completely turned the tables and now you were the one frazzled and flustered. You couldn’t see his face in the halls—an alarmingly much more common occurrence after that night—without thinking of how it had felt when he pushed you to the wall, the way his body slotted so perfectly against yours. Every time your thoughts strayed to the memory the very same butterflies you felt that night returned with renewed vigour and you were flustered all over again.

Was this how he felt? All those times you tried so hard to fluster him? God, perhaps you were more annoying than you initially accepted.

You weren’t sure how you felt about the fact that the dynamic between you had shifted so suddenly and so sharply. Admittedly, that night if he had asked you to get on you hands and knees you wouldn’t have even blinked before doing so. The look in his eyes, the tone of his voice…. They brought out a side of you that didn’t see the light of day that often. Honestly, you’d spent a lot of nights reflecting on what happened and you’d since realised that there wasn’t much that you wouldn’t let that man do to you.

Even so, you weren’t a submissive person by nature, despite your inclination in the bedroom, and you really didn’t want him to think that was the case. You wanted to give back as good as you got, and every time you left your room you steeled yourself to doing so should you run across him.

Except it was a little easier said than done. Despite your affirmations, the second you caught sight of him the butterflies would return and you’d turn tail and run. It was shameful, and you were incredibly embarrassed at your own behaviour. Your mother didn’t raise a coward! It was just that, perhaps, you were a little more rattled and flustered than you allowed yourself to believe.

You realised you needed to be more firm with yourself, though. You needed to make yourself stay and interact with him or you’d never get over the ridiculous butterflies or the way your heart flipped and your pulse started to race. Again, today, you steeled yourself and resolved yourself to sit through the suffering if you happened to run into him again. At the slight tone of flustered panic that ran through you at the thought, you were quick to reassure yourself that it actually wasn’t that likely you’d run into him at all.

Well, historically you had been prone to being proven wrong when assuming such things and today wasn’t an exception.

In your wandering of the halls like a ghost with unresolved business in the material plane, looking for something to entertain yourself with, you happened to walk past a room that had a number of funky sounds coming from within. Intrigued and able to smell entertainment from probably a mile away, you were eager to investigate once you saw that the door was slightly ajar.

When you pushed it open, you quickly realised that you probably should have waited and listened to the sounds a bit more first. But, well, you were nothing if not an idiot and at this point, you were at peace with it.

“Stop! Stop, I am too old for this! Gods, Jiminie, where do you get all this energy from?!”

Confused as to exactly what you just walked into, you leant against the doorframe as you watched Seokjin bend over slightly with his hands on his knees to brace himself. He was wearing a different sort of clothing than you’ve seen before, the fit and material resembling more fitness-wear than anything. His breath came in short pants, apparently winded from whatever he and the other male had been doing before you walked in. Which, you realised quickly from the weapons along the wall and the cushioning along the ground, was… fighting?

Seokjin rattled something out in his native tongue and Jimin burst into laughter from where he stood, stretching a few feet away. He was dressed similarly to Seokjin and god if it wasn’t the most mouth-watering image you’d ever seen in your entire life. Deep blue material complimented his honey skin and raven hair perfectly, not that you thought there would be a colour that didn’t suit Jimin. His marks were a delighted summer yellow and the apples of his cheeks were flushed in slight exertion. Seokjin was in a similar state but unfortunately for him you were too whipped for Jimin to appreciate it as you should have.

Jimin said something you couldn’t understand to the elder male, who burst out loudly in response, “I have duties, you @#&@)#! Not all of us can do whatever we want, you know, I am the one stuck with the royal duties today! Find someone else to help you.”

Jimin was grinning, but seemed a bit disappointed at Seokjin’s answer to whatever he had said. A part of you wandered exactly what Seokjin had called him and you regretted that you didn’t know much kelkoe at all. Seokjin let out a pained noise as he stretched, closing his eyes, and all of a sudden you were overcome with the realisation that you were in the same room, in very close proximity, with Jimin.

Instantly, as you expected, the butterflies returned full-force to barrage the walls of your stomach. The sudden nerves made you feel bit nauseous and at once you felt the familiar urge to turn tail and flee.

No, you bit back the flight aspect of your fight or flight response. No, you said you wouldn’t run, and you wouldn’t. You needed to claim back a bit of control in the new dynamic you’d found yourself in with Jimin and damn it if you didn’t do it now then you never would. So, you did what you usually did whenever you had to do something not so desirable to you at the time and turned your brain off.

“Find someone to help him with what?”

The attention of the two males was instantly on you, Seokjin instantly appearing a cross between amused and sly. You didn’t like that one bit, and quickly raked your eyes over the other male. A mistake—he was surprised at first but the way his features melted into a curious look and his eyes darkened into molten pools almost made your knees week, like you were experiencing your first crush all over again. God, damn it. This was harder than you anticipated. You couldn’t help but wonder if he recalled the events of the other night upon seeing you, like you did every time you saw him.

“Sparring,” Seokjin supplied a little too merrily, and it was almost like you could see the cogs turning in his head. “Kelkie have a lot of restless energy, so it is common practice and customary to have a sparring partner.”

“You two are sparring partners?” you queried, trying desperately to appear much less nervous than you were. Your voice didn’t tremble, so that was something, and at least you weren’t blushing. Yet.

Seokjin’s lips curled into a sly simper. “No, Jimin’s sparring partner is the King, actually. But, since His Majesty is still on leave and Jimin has had an awful lot of… pent up energy, lately, I have taken to being his partner in the meantime.”

Jimin shot the older male a glare at his words, and you couldn’t deny the stupid ripple of giddy hope that dared to bubble within you for a moment. You thought he’d say something to protest his words, anticipating banter, but were caught off guard when his gaze simply returned to you and you felt like you were suddenly in the spotlight once more. Your heart stuttered—shit, damn it. Stupid attractive alien. Your brain was still turned off so that you could remain riding a wave of pretend bravery, and you scrambled to make the most of it and recover.

“So, you need someone to spar with?” You looked to Jimin, interest and excitement leaking into your tone—and it wasn’t fake, in the least, despite your nerves. You almost kicked yourself for what you said next, though, a little too brave for your current state of hidden fluster. “I used to spar with my shipmates when we had long trips, it was always a lot of fun. I’ll spar with you.”

Very bold words from you since you knew how much stronger and faster kelkie were than you—you’d witnessed it one time when you tried to fix a piece of hair that was pulling your scalp from one of Joy’s hairstyles and she’d positively vaulted across the room at breakneck speed to smack your hands away.

Seokjin positively grinned, but Jimin’s face fell into an expression of protest. His dark brows drew together, lips tugging down at the corners.

“No,” he refused immediately, “You will get yourself hurt. I cannot spar with you.”

You sputtered, indignant, and felt a bit of your usual confidence return to you as you pushed from the door and walked forward a little bit. “What? Mister Jimin… are you afraid a weak little human is going to best you in combat? I suppose I understand, the shame for you would be unbearable…”

You’d poked the bear expecting him to continue resisting and refuting you, but to your complete and utter surprise the male’s expression shifted once more, his mouth snapping shut and jaw tensing as his eyes bore into you with a new sort of intensity. That look spelt trouble for you and boy if it didn’t send the most giddy, excited shiver down your spine. Were you perhaps a masochist? This might be the time Jimin finally snapped and killed you for being annoying but you couldn’t think of anything but how hot he looked and how good it would feel even if his hand did end up around your thr—

“That is an excellent idea!” Seokjin was quick to express his avid support, but you got the feeling from the shit-eating grin that never left his flushed face that he had an ulterior motive besides backing you up like a good friend. “There you go Jimin, nip that stress in the bud. I am off now, I have many duties to attend to. Don’t play too rough, children.”

With that he bounced, leaving you and a silent Jimin in his wake. You were still reeling from the abruptness of his departure when there was movement from the corner of your eye and you whipped to see Jimin walking further into the room. You could feel a shift in the air, a new sort of tension that tingled along the base of your spine and made your breath catch. Keep it cool, keep it cool— you needed to tip the scales back into balance.

“Weapons?”

You’d begun to walk further into the room to join Jimin, but froze in your steps at the sound of his voice. It was deeper, rougher than you’d anticipated—he’s back was still to you and though you couldn’t see his face you saw the tension in his shoulders and along firm lines of his back. The shirt was slim-fitting and clung to his form everywhere except the sides where, from about halfway down, the material sported a slit. You guessed it was so he didn’t get too stuffy and so didn’t pay it any mind.

You steeled yourself, summoning some of the confidence that had returned to you so fleetingly earlier, and moved closer, stretching as you did so. “None is fine.”

His jaw ticked as he sent you a curious glance over his shoulder before giving a short nod and turning to face you better. This was the first time you’d been in his presence for longer than three seconds since that night and you felt an absolute mess with each second more that ticked over. Fuck, it was fine, everything was fine. You just had to hold it together a little longer then your nerves would wear off and you’d be back to normal. Probably.

As he settled into a loose pose, readying himself for another ‘sparring’ session, his eyes wept slowly over your form. You squared your shoulders and kept the playful smile on your lips, doing your absolute best to ignore the frantic pattering of your heart against your ribcage. You relished the way his eyes darkened as you stretched your back and your shirt rode up a sliver, providing him the barest peek of your skin. You could tell as you slipped into a loose pose of your own that from the tension he still held in his form, he wasn’t going to be using his full strength on you at all.

You had no doubt he was going to go as easy on you as he could.

But then, if he wasn’t using all his strength and speed, how would he be releasing the pent up tension that these sessions were meant to relieve? He wouldn’t be, so there must have been another reason he was about to humour you and ‘spar’ with you. Your mind ticked it over for a bare second before it registered.

He was playing chicken with you.

Something had changed in him since your last encounter, after you finally seemed to push him over a line of sorts. He was no longer resisting, no longer flustering and growing embarrassed—he was poking and prodding back just as you had done to him from the beginning.

You nearly balked at the realisation, but schooled your features just in time. He wanted to tease, to play? Well, lucky for him playing and teasing was what you did best. A wave of excitement washed over you. Your nerves all but disappeared as you resolved yourself, intending to use this opportunity and treat him as you normally would. You wondered, which one of you would bow first?

He must have noticed the changed tone of your smile, as one dark eyebrow rose in question. He tilted his head, eyes boring into you with more intensity than expected. His marks shifted colours from plum to rose, to periwinkle. A sequence that you had no idea how to decode yet still made your stomach flutter instinctively.

“Are you ready, petal?” he asked, and the nickname nearly undid all the hard work you put into reclaiming your usual mojo.

“Of course, peach cheeks,” you fired back, smiling brightly. He tried to hide it but you saw the way his lips twitched and his marks flushed deep rose. Even so, he didn’t blush, and the observation made you both giddy and eager to try and pull the reaction out of him.

“You may make the first move,” he offered, keen eyes catching every twitch of your features and shift of your body. You’d learnt from Seokjin and Namjoon that the Kelkie were a race of elite warriors, and you could tell just from looking at Jimin and the way he regarded you that he knew how to read and predict moves in battle. You knew then, that you couldn’t turn this into a game of strategy, or he would best you before you even had a chance to have fun. He was stronger and faster than you, obviously, but you didn’t want to make this too easy for him.

You nodded, taking a moment to choose how to proceed before you threw caution to the wind and moved on instinct alone. He watched, waited, coiled and ready for whatever move you might give him first.

When you dipped then lurched forward, aiming a light hit to his face, he dodged with ease. He had a bit of an unreadable expression on his face before you moved, but now that you made the first swing and he was sinking into the sparring mindset once more, an excited glint began to make itself known in his eyes.

You were right in assuming he would hold back. He weaved out of the way, incredibly graceful, and twisted mid-movement to bring his knee up, aiming for your middle. He was fast, but you knew he could be faster—with an amused huff you slipped out of the way and took a few light steps back before darting forward once more to try and jab his ribs. Like that, the two of you began to fall into a pattern.

Something about sparring always set your blood alight, and you could tell the same was the case for the alien dodging and weaving your light-hearted swings. The thought excited you, and you couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled from your throat as he swung and you spun out of the way just in time. You continued like that for the next few minutes, grinning uncontrollably at the sound of the huff he’d let out each time you dodged. So far, despite your occasional swings, you had been on the defensive. Even then, there was no heat or urgency behind his attacks. You wanted him to put a little more effort in.

His breath sped up the longer the two of you moved, his expression morphing. Slippery was how the guards had described you, and slippery was what you proved to be now. He was holding back almost all of his strength and speed, but he still should have been able to grasp you with ease. Yet each time he threw a hit or reached to grab you, you would dip and dodge, dancing out of the way. His stomach gave an excited flutter, the muscles of his back tingling. That was what this was—the way you were moving and interacting with him, reading his movements enough to flee but not to counter, with enough push and pull that it kept him on his toes…

It was like the two of you were dancing.

It was nothing like sparring with his own kind, yet he felt his heart stutter and kick into a higher gear in excitement nonetheless. You had a habit of making everything so exhilarating. The more you pulled back only to push lightly, prodding him and luring him to make a move for your gain, the more he felt himself slip into it. He was no longer moving with the intent to humour you or anything along those lines—he felt it, deep within his abdomen, the knot of longing forming once more. He wanted to chase, to catch you. And with each smooth dodge and light-footed prance out of reach you performed, he felt himself growing more and more riddled with the need to fulfil that instinctive desire.

It was as though you could feel the change in him, the longer the two of you tangled. You could sense a shift and, true to your nature, immediately went to exploit it.

“You’re so slow, peach cheeks!” you let out a breathless giggle as he lurched fluidly and tipped his body in a roundhouse kick of sorts. You ducked, darting forward and trying to land a hit on his gut as he righted himself. “Are you sure you beat Seokjin? You barely—”

The male didn’t even need to respond, as your smug tone was cut off the second his hand flew to grasp your fist before it could make contact with him. Your heart lurched into your throat, breath catching, as he adjusted his grip and tugged you forward, completely off balance. You crashed into his chest with your own, his other hand wrapping around your wrist like iron as he pulled them both behind your back with ease. You were arched into him with your heart racing, stomach flipping. He stared down at you with a dangerous curl to his lips.

“I thought I told you not to push so hard, petal,” his voice was so breathy and low it was absolutely sinful, a shudder rolling down your spine.  You could barely tear your eyes away from his own, heat flushing over your skin. Weak as you may be for him, you refused to give in so easily.

You felt his breath brush your face before you shoved your rapidly-returning nerves away and leant up, lips brushing his ear and the cool metal that dangled from it. Your playful tone had his grip tightening “But I like the end result.”

You felt him stiffen in shock, posture turning rigid; apparently he hadn’t been expecting that. You used this to your advantage, breaking out of his hold and snapping your hand around one of his wrists instead. You darted back then danced around him, pulling his arm with you until you were completely behind him. While he was still dazed your free hand whipped to grab his other one, pulling both behind his back and pressing against it in a mockery of the position he’d just had you in. The sound of his breath catching in his throat made your stomach dip giddily.

Deciding to push further while you had him in this position, knowing he’d snap out of it and turn the tables in the next second or so, you pressed a teasing kiss to the nape of his neck, breasts pushed to his upper back. The move was dangerous as it kept you within his reach for longer, but at the shudder you felt move through him you deemed it worth it.

Unfortunately for you, right after that reaction he jerked into action and broke his wrists out of your hold. Letting out a soft squeak of alarm that bled into a short giggle, you leapt backwards and danced out of the way as he spun and lunged for you. The dance began anew.

Except this time, Jimin had changed his tune yet again.

His marks were stained rosy-purple, shifting to wine each time he neared you. His moves became less hits and kicks, and more dives, lunges and grabs—and each time he got closer to catching you in his hold you couldn’t help the way your heart leapt in anticipation and excitement, pulse racing. The way he moved was so incredibly graceful and fluid, like a predator in its natural element, and numerous times you were so mesmerised it almost got you caught. Still, you managed to evade him, and the longer you did so the more worked up he got. Faster and faster, molten gaze never losing track of your form. You wouldn’t be able to catch him like this, you realised; you’d have to let him get close first.

You meant to lure him in purposefully, but in one of your bids to dance out of his reach you ended up stumbling over your own feet—immediately, he pounced. Your arms flew to the side in an attempt to reclaim your balance but you didn’t get the chance to follow through. Jimin dove forward, powerful thighs keeping him stable and propelling him to you faster than you could register. His hand closed around your wrist, using your arm and off-kilter state to turn you before releasing it and looping his arm firmly around your middle instead. The breath whooshed out of your lungs as you were yanked backwards, back meeting his chest as he contained you in his iron grasp. A shot of arousal spiked down your spine as his other hand whipped up to sit over your throat, grip loose but still present, thumb pressing into the soft flesh and fingers tilting your jaw up and head back.

You were sure he could feel your harried breaths, hell could probably even hear the way your heart was currently racing. Your skin was damp with the slightest layer of sweat you’d worked up from your constant movement and activity. You could feel his own breath panting against your neck, his lips and nose brushing against the sensitive shell of your ear as he dipped his head.

“What did we say about saying things like that so carelessly, petal,” his voice was a sultry combination of a lilting purr and a teasing coo, his fingers digging into the soft flesh of your waist. Your hands flew to grip the forearm currently pressing against your stomach, before moving to his bicep. You attempted to shift stance and haul him over your shoulder, like you’d managed to do to old sparring partners so many times before—yet Jimin didn’t so much as budge. The thrill of being faced with such unwavering strength made your stomach dip and butterflies swarm.

You didn’t have the words to respond, instead letting out a soft gasp as he rubbed his thumb along the sensitive column of your neck. Your mind raced, thoughts stumbling over one another as you scrambled for how to proceed and what to do. He was about to win, in more ways that one, but alarmingly you couldn’t find it within yourself to care all that much. There it was again, the yearning to just give yourself over and let him have you. It was getting to be a bit like an old friend, at this rate.

Your sudden desires gave you an idea, however. You rolled your body suddenly, rocking your hips back against him and grinding your ass back oh so ‘innocently’. Unprepared and unsuspecting, the action wrought a sharp, lilting gasp from the male’s throat. You felt the way his grip weakened for the barest second and were quick to take advantage of it.

Spinning in his hold, as you pivoted on your heel you used the other to catch his ankle. The result was his knee buckling, leg knocked out from under him, and as you pushed him backwards the two of you fell to the floor in a heap. You landed atop him, as you’d intended, with your thighs either side of his slim waist and your crotch pressed over his. You were out of breath as you braced yourself on his chest, one palm flat against the top of his sternum with your fingertips brushing his throat in a mock ‘dagger’. His tongue darted to wet full lips.

“Playing dirty,” he commented in between panting breaths, eyes boring into you as his voice brushed your eardrums, thick and low—shamefully, it had your thighs tensing with the urge to close. At your almost imperceptible shift, his nostrils twitched and his pupils blew up, hands suddenly on your hips with a firm grip. He didn’t move after that, but you felt the way his entire body tensed.

“I’m not above it,” you smiled, struggling to catch your own breath. You pushed your hands from his chest, leaning back, and in the process of shifting your weight unintentionally ground your core against him. His fingers instantly dug into your hips, leaving a delicious ache in their wake, as a soft groan that almost sounded like a growl slipped from his throat.

“You—”

“Jimin-ssi, I am terribly sorry to interrupt, but Seokjin called for you—there is an issue that requires your input.”

You jumped, startled beyond belief by the sound of a voice at the doorway to the room, and scrambled off of Jimin instantly. When you turned to see just who you expected, you offered a glare. Joy smiled back, unapologetic and clearly amused at the situation she’d walked in on.

Jimin sat up, a hand coming to pat his lower back—you watched the motion, wondering exactly why he did it but unable to suss a reason out. He turned to face you, eyes dark and swirling with something you couldn’t name but that made your heart skip a beat in anticipation nonetheless, before he rose to his feet and walked coolly to the door. You weren’t ashamed to say that you stared at his ass as he went.

“Understood, let him know that I will be there soon. I have… something to take care of first.”

Your brows furrowed in confusion as you wondered exactly what he had to take care of, but he was slipping through the doors with a hand pressed to his back and gone before you could think to ask. You might have been confused as to what he meant, but Joy seemed to be in the loop and very amused by it.

“I see you’re making progress in wooing him,” she observed, tone playful, and you rolled your eyes as you hopped to your feet. Now that you were no longer distracted by Jimin, you could feel how sweaty and sticky you were from the whole ordeal. Ugh, exercise. A wave of embarrassment coursed through you at the sudden thought—did he notice your gross state when you were on top of him? How humiliating.

“Yeah… Maybe,” you said, dusting off your bottoms. “I’ll gossip with you later though, first thing’s first I need a shower. Do all of you really spar that often to get your energy out? In this heat?”

Joy’s eyes lit up at this titbit of information, the long raven plait down her back swinging as she tilted her head. “Oh, so that is what you were doing? Interesting take on the practice, I will admit.”

You wanted to send her another half-hearted glare but found her words too funny to be able to pull it off. A snort escaped you instead, “Hardly. He went far too easy on me for it to be considered a real spar.”

The female snorted, her marks colouring a delighted blue-green in her amusement. “I am not surprised. Jimin is faster and stronger than most kelkie so I do not imagine he would use anything close to full strength when sparring with you. Interesting that he agreed, though.”

You hummed, unsure how to process her words just yet. “Huh. Well. I’m gonna go back to my rooms and get changed, I’ll find you again later. I have some…. Questions.”

Joy raised an eyebrow but you merely offered her a grin as you left. “See you! And don’t forget to tell Seokjin whatever Jimin wanted you to.”

She rolled her eyes, muttering a curse under her breath before she gave a wave in farewell. “Goodbye. Take your time, please.”

You couldn’t help you laugh as you ventured further down the hall, “I won’t!”

x     x     x     x     x     x     x

True to your word, as soon as you were done bathing and changing you zipped off down the halls in search of her for your promised interrogation session. You were expecting it to take much longer than it did for you to actually track her down.

When you found her, it was on a balcony with Namjoon, who she appeared to be playing a board game of sorts with, and Yoongi, who was to the back napping on large cushion in the sun. He protested whenever you called him a cat and then went and acted just like one, you couldn’t help but laugh.

When she caught sight of you, Joy seemed surprised. “Oh, you really did have some questions you wanted answered, did you?”

Namjoon looked at you curiously after he moved a piece on the board, taking advantage of Joy’s momentary distraction. You wondered what he was thinking before his lips adopted a sudden sly quirk and his teasing tone greeted your ears, “Got up to some fun this morning, did we?”

You rolled your eyes, pulling out the third chair between them at the table and flopping into it with all the attitude you could muster. “I whooped Jimin’s ass in hand-to-hand combat, if that’s what you’re asking.”

Namjoon laughed and Joy snorted, the former clearly having been told what kind of scene Joy had walked in on earlier.

“By playing dirty?”

“My specialty.”

Another chuckle rumbled from his chest as he shook his head, turning back to the board. You allowed a brief moment of silence to settle over you as you watched the two of them make a move. When you couldn’t immediately figure out the point of the game, you gave up your observation.

“Anyway, about those questions I had,” you said suddenly, making the kelkie female to your right smile and shake her head. “I’ll ask them now, since you’re not busy.”

Another snort of amusement and she turned her head in your direction, dark eyes glimmering with mirth and marks glowing soft orange. “Of course, since I am not busy. Go ahead, I know it must be burning you up inside. Has it been unbearable?”

You nodded dramatically, ignoring Namjoon’s eyeroll. “Yes, incredibly so. I haven’t slept in days.”

You received another laugh for that and could barely keep your face straight as Joy shook her head, placing her elbow on the table and leaning her face into her palm. “Well, cheeky human, what is it you are curious about?”

You bit your lip, pondering what you wanted to ask first for a moment before deciding to cut to the chase. “Well, I want to know—why is it that every time I tease Jimin he runs away holding his back?”

It was an innocent enough question in your mind, but the reactions you received made you think that the answer was otherwise. Namjoon choked on his own spit, and Joy’s eyebrows shot up as she clamped her mouth shut and looked very much like she was trying not to laugh. A strangled sound from the side of the room told you that Yoongi had woken up and heard what you said.

Confused, you tilted your head. “What? What is it? Does he have back spasms or something? Wait, are your hearts in your lower back? Am I stressing him out so much he’s having heart attacks?”

To your complete and utter surprise, Namjoon’s face slowly began to turn bright red, and when you turned to peer at Yoongi you found his cheeks had coloured as well, the tips of his ears pink as he coughed and averted his gaze to the balcony. Joy was the only one who didn’t seem incredibly embarrassed at your question—on the contrary, she seemed to be having the time of her life.

“Oh, I love it when you humans ask things like this.” She was positively gleeful, grinning so wide that it actually concerned you a bit. “Your reactions are so funny.”

“What?” you pressed again, worried but also ten times more curious than before. “What is it? Come on, tell me.”

Joy, still grinning, sent Namjoon a pointed look and the male coughed, unable to meet your eyes as he cleared his throat and started, “Uh, well, y/n, you know that there are certain physiological differences between us and kelkies…”

You nodded, slightly impatient but clamping your mouth shut nonetheless in the hopes he would hurry up and continue.

“And you know, uh…” Namjoon looked like he wanted to melt into the floor, face bright pink. “Y-you know that uh, s-sometimes the differences are the ones we can’t see—”

“Spit it out, Joonie!” you couldn’t hold it in, wriggling forward on the seat and placing your palms onto the table. “Please, I’m dying to know, you can’t keep me in suspense like this—”

“y/n, you’ve seen porn, right? From Earth.”

You turned to face Yoongi at the sound of his voice, nodding as you did so. “Yeah, I have. Why? You need some? I had a USB of it with me on the ship, I can go look for it if you want—"

Namjoon choked, coughing and smacking his chest. You ignored him for the moment as Yoongi’s cheeks seemed to darken before he swallowed and continued. “So. Have you seen uh… you’ve seen Japanese animated porn?”

You stared at him plainly for a second, wondering if he was serious. “Uh… yes? Of course I have, I was a teenager too—”

Namjoon let his head slam onto the table with a loud groan, Joy letting out a delighted peal of laughter. Yoongi steeled himself and pushed on. “S-so you know, in the… in Japanese animated porn…”

“Say it for what it is, Yoongi,” you said. “Hentai.”

For a second the urge to kill you flickered in his gaze but he seemed to wrangle it quicker than usual. He let out a great, anguished sigh. “Why do I even bother—have you seen tentacle porn or not?”

“Of course I have, what does that have to do with—” you stopped short, his words ticking over in your head for a few seconds before your jaw dropped and you spun to face Namjoon and Joy with wide eyes and warmed cheeks. “No—oh my god, really?! Holy—”

Namjoon made a strangled, mortified noise and Joy burst into laughter once more as you stumbled over your words, a mess of thoughts zipping around in your poor monkey brain. As utterly shocked as you were in this moment, in a sense you also weren’t that surprised and, shamefully, the knowledge sent something akin to a shiver of excitement down your spine. Wow, you were really a bit depraved, huh? Then again, if you paid attention to the raunchy shit you watched in your teen years (and, if you were being honest with yourself, probably would still watch now if you had it) it would have been a bit telling.

“Oh my god,” you slammed your hands onto the table, on the absolute edge of your seat. “You guys have tentacles? For real? Where? How many? Do both males and females have them, or only—”

“Slow down, y/n,” Joy snorted, withdrawing from the table for a moment to recline comfortably in her chair. She crossed one leg over the other, seeming incredibly tickled. “One question at a time, or I will revoke your question-asking rights.”

You let out a horrified gasp, before instantly snapping your mouth shut and letting her answer the questions you fired at her so rapidly.

“To answer your first question, yes, kelkie do have extra appendages utilised in intercourse. We call them #%&$*@ but you humans describe them as tentacles and that seems to be easier for you to say, so we go with that.” At the sound of a foreign kelkoe word your mind blanked for a moment, but the rest of her words quickly sank in. Namjoon and Yoongi were still dying of embarrassment in the background, and you were a little embarrassed yourself but was by far overpowered by your burning curiosity.

“They’re used specifically for sex?!” you couldn’t help yourself, unable to contain your questions. Obviously, when one hears tentacles they think of certain scenarios, but you didn’t want to just assume. Learning that that was what they were literally for though… god, if it wasn’t enough to make you sweat like a sinner in church.

You could have sworn you heard Yoongi mutter, “I should have known she’d be horny for tentacles, who am I kidding,” under his breath in the background, but ignored it in favour of watching Joy’s features as she compiled a response for you.

“Yes, they are reproductive organs,” she said, a sly smile curling her shapely lips as she easily pinpointed the direction your thoughts were going. “Additional ones to those that some have found we have in common.”

You blushed, but still said what you thought as soon as it entered your mind. “Oh—I—two sets?”

Joy nodded, still very much amused. “Yes—and that is to confirm what you asked earlier, as well. Both males and females have them, but females have less.”

You let that sink in for a moment, mulling over the sudden overload of information, before your mind caught on to a certain detail that it had glossed over earlier and you balked. “Wait—you said you ‘some found’? Who…?”

At your words, both males in the room seemed to shrink in their seats, eyes everywhere but meeting your own. Joy snickered and they flushed bright red. A cackled built in your chest as realisation began to sink in.

“We have had a few celebrations and festivals in the time since the Queen’s crew arrived—you humans like to enjoy yourselves, don’t you?” She might have been teasing you as well as the other two males in the room, but you weren’t ashamed enough of your libido for it to have any effect. At this point, you’d been openly horny for Jimin for a while.

“Oh my god,” you whispered under your breath, eyes flicking between the two sheepish-looking males. The insinuation of what the extra appendages meant for their extracurricular romping in the sheets… you blushed.

Eager to return to your earlier line of questioning, lest you lose the opportunity altogether and they changed the subject, you forced yourself to turn back to a grinning Joy.

“So uh, where are they?” you inquired, somewhat gingerly. It would seem you had some tact left, after all. Joy snorted at your manner and tapped her fingers on the table, marks a cool, light blue.

“They are in two lines along the lower portion of the spine,” she informed you, tilting her head and watching your expression keenly. She smiled the second she saw you make the connection between what she said and what you saw. At your questioning look, she continued, “Yes, that has to do with why Jimin, ah… holds his lower back when you tease him. For the most part, they are hidden. They aren’t appendages that we have entire control over, and in many senses it is as though they have a mind of their own, following our base instincts and urges. When a kelkie experiences a certain amount of stimulation or arousal, they are prone to appearing.”

She gave you a moment for the information to sink in before you made the connection she was waiting for. “Oh, oh—wait so—so every time he slaps a hand to his back and runs away its just because I made him pop a tentacle boner?”

The female raised a brow at your choice of words but seemed to understand the slang enough to snort and nod her head. You heard Namjoon and Yoongi choke on a laugh, Namjoon slamming his head onto the table once more and disrupting the board game that had long since been forgotten.

“Yes,” Joy confirmed simply, lips twitching. “I do not think I ever saw him give such a reaction before you came along, though. I have to give you credit.”

It probably wasn’t something you should be preening with pride to hear, but you were anyway. “Ah, finally. My efforts are being rewarded.”

Yoongi shook his head, squinting at you. “How are you so… unapologetically thirsty?”

“We’re talking about Jimin, how can I not be?” you answered simply, before straightening in your seat and whipping a finger to point in his direction. “And let’s not be the pot calling the kettle black, mister! Word on the street is you’re just as horny as me!”

Yoongi balked, face paling before it began to cycle through about seven different shades of red, and Namjoon let out a strangled chortle.

“Don’t you have more questions for Joy?” Yoongi tried weakly to deflect the attention and change the subject, but to no avail.

“Well, yes, but I also have questions for you—and don’t think you’re off the hook either, Namjoon, I see you looking mortified over there.”

The two males let out long, arduous groans, and Joy erupted in delighted peals of laughter. What was going to be an informative afternoon for you was clearly going to be a very long one for them. You wriggled in your seat, getting comfortable, and dove in headfirst.

You were going to get as much information on this new discovery as you could.

↞ prev. || four || next ↠

::[ please lmk what you think! & pls consider buying me a kofi if you’d like to support me in some way! <3 ]::

STARLESS

Peridot: Nowhere to fit

For someone like Peridot, problems of any kind could always be solved by cleverness and perseverance.

Something broke? She could fix it. A new building needed to be built? She knew how to start. Someone had a plan to improve Little Homeworld? She had the resources to make it true in a snap.

However, bringing Steven back after everyone was told that he left was a challenge Peridot never expected to face. It happened so quickly. Bismuth, her and Lapis were informed by the freaked out Crystal Gems that Steven was gone as his car and some clothes of his. Lapis immediately flew away to try to find him, she felt that her blue companion could understand Steven's reasons to leave on some level despite the absurdity behind the mess.

Bismuth stayed with Pearl, who was an emotional avalanche, and she, Garnet and Amethyst got some gems Steven had befriended to create a rescue group, just in case the kid was found in serious trouble. Still, none of their efforts were enough to find him. Not even Lapis', who returned somber and at the edge of an anxiety attack.

What stroke Peridot most was why Steven would do something like this. Quitting his teacher career on Little Homeschool wasn't a red flag for her as she knew that taking charge of everything sometimes was exhausting, so he needed a good vacation. Spending time in things he liked didn't seem bad either, as everyone had hobbies. But the root of the problem wasn't those activities; it was Steven's volatile and closed-off behavior.

The things he said about the Crystal Gems and himself: the reason to be needed, Amethyst being too mature to get why he felt like he felt, Pearl blaming herself for him to just pick the pieces, Garnet's almighty pieces of advice that didn't help at all. Yeah, there was too much baggage on those statements. Peridot, though, got a very weird but sounding conclusion about why he said what he said.

This pattern of behavior reminded her of her own struggles to adapt when she resigned to her fate to be stuck on Earth with their once-former-enemies. Back then, she was just like anyone else of her kin before Era 3: a Yellow Diamond-loyalist Peridot with duties to fulfill, too many problems in her way and too little time. Dealing with the fact that her limb enhancers had been rid of was annoying and frustrating, but the fact that she had to work with a bunch of rebellious off-colors that were supposed to be dead was another story.

Everything on Earth was so different, so confusing. A Pearl who could build machines and didn't receive orders from anyone, an overcooked Amethyst with a vulgar foreign language, a crossed-fusion who acted so freely and a hybrid of a gem and a human? Where was she, in a circus from another planet?

Whatever. She wanted to live, not be shattered by the Cluster, so if Peridot had to become an ally of those clods, so be it.

However, life got more difficult when she found out via communicator that her oh-so-logical Diamond wasn't that perfect as she thought but a flawed, emotional person.

After that, the flow of things and confusion took a hold on her life. Without Diamond's orders, a caste system, her limb enhancers and with the fact that her new home would be the same planet she despised and worked hard to destroy, what was Peridot going to do?

Everyone seemed so content and secure about their lives, even if it went out of the model set for them. Something she had trouble to grasp because, if no one told you what to do, what were you supposed to do then? There was no system, everyone acted so independently but with a teamwork spirit, it baffled her totally.

Peridot, at first, thought the Crystal Gems and especially Steven were utterly delusional. I mean, how could they go on so smoothly in the chaotic disorder they were so immersed to? It was as if they were mismatched pieces of a puzzle trying to fit with each other and not seeing it didn't work.

However, time showed her otherwise. Pearl could fit without being someone's possession, and her mechanical and technological knowledge wasn't product of copying from superior gems, but from her own hard work.

Amethyst felt at home, not because of the technicality of being made on the Prime Kindergarten on Earth, but because she was let to be herself and had people who cared for her.

Garnet didn't need to hide or feel self-conscious because she was in an environment where differences weren't deemed as something to punish but to celebrate.

And Steven, the one who Peridot owed the many opportunities to show her true self and her abilities, he was so carefree and accepting. He made her feel that the impossible was possible no matter if you thought you were powerless.

With his help, many gems learned that they didn't need to be pieces of some square-minded puzzle, but the complements of themselves and each other to create a whole, beautiful picture.

Now, sadly, the picture was in half because Steven was gone.

Steven, who was the sole cause that their lives had some meaning.

Steven, who taught her she could be more than a mindless, Diamond-loyalist Peridot and find her own powers and identity.

Steven, who established peace between Earth and Homeworld, and even created a place for gems who wanted to start again.

Steven, who gave them hopes to fit without being matched pieces.

But he started to see himself as a mismatched piece of an old puzzle who couldn't find a place to belong despite having so many people loving him. Ironic, right?

What did Steven see in all his success and the gems he helped that made him feel so out of place?

She never noticed something wrong on him until the news of his departure came, though the root of the issue was still elusive to her.

He should've been happy to accomplish things that were deemed impossible. He faced the Diamonds and changed their minds for star's sake!

It was so frustrating! She felt the answer was there, in all those comments towards the Crystal Gems and his very out-of-place behavior, but another factor needed to be found to see the full picture.

But what was it?

"Thinking about Steven again?" Lapis' voice got her by surprise and Peridot looked at her friend. Her blue eyes were darkened by sadness, tear tracks decorated her cheeks and her posture was resigned and depressed.

Instantly, Peridot took her hand to make her feel a bit better which Lapis appreciated "Yeah, a bit. No, a lot. It doesn't make sense! HE doesn't make sense at all! Why would he leave?! Why would he feel like this?! If it weren't for him, none of this -Little Homeworld, Little Homeschool, living in peace- wouldn't have happened. Why not enjoy it?!"

"Maybe he did enjoy it, but... But something else got in his way and now he doesn't know what to feel any more"

"How could you know?! He hadn't told anyone about this! Not even the same people who raised him since he was a baby!"

"I'm not saying I know with total certainty. I just feel it"

"Feeling doesn't help to bring him back!!" Peridot yelled enraged. Lapis flinched a bit but didn't say anything, just stared at her friend.

"Sorry, sorry. I got carried away"

"It's alright" Lapis places a hand on Peridot's shoulder to try to comfort her "I miss him too. I wish I could have known about how he felt before this happened"

"I have some ideas of why he left, but it will sound silly"

"It's ok, maybe we can understand better and use it to find him"

"It's not a clue to find Steven but a list of reasons why he did what he did. Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong or just exaggerating, but I think he is struggling with the many things that have transpired around him which had never happened, you know? I mean, this is Steven we're talking about! He is the guy who helped us to adapt on Earth, encouraged us to be and do better, to feel at home on a foreign planet. Now though..."

"Roles have inverted. It's Steven now who felt like he can't belong here, like all the changes around him are just pushing him out of everyone's help"

"Which is absurd! He belongs here with all of us!"

"Remember how we used to despise Earth because it reminded us of all the trouble we went through?" Peridot nodded "Maybe Steven is remembering something nasty when seeing everyone living so well their lives, though what that's what I want to know"

"Me too. Besides, yeah, we have been attacked by Spinel, there are many gems unhappy with the changes made by him, but Steven had always been so optimistic. Why stop now? Why-why leave?" The pent-up emotions were so much for Peridot that some tears rolled down her cheeks. Lapis side-hugged her and sighed.

"Steven always fit everywhere he went" Peridot said with a shaky voice "I remember how he wanted us to be ourselves so we could adapt better, no rush. But, if what he said about Garnet, Pearl and Amethyst during that cactus incident is proof enough, then did he really felt like he never belonged or fit with all of us? With his own family and friends?"

"I don't know... Perhaps, it didn't last that long as he thought"

Peridot deflated even more. It was the biggest and most tragic irony.

Location: Pittsburgh, PA. Time: Last Spring. Triggers: Blood, Death, Accident

“The fear of death never left me; I couldn't get used to the thought; I would still sometimes shake and weep with terror.” ― Simone de Beauvoir

If life got busy it was tough luck and if one lived life as one William Moritz Wolf did, then the lives of everyone else needed saving before his own. His entire adolescence was spent in and out of hospitals, in and out of doctor’s offices, in and out of treatment centers. He loved his annoyingly careful parents with his whole heart, but life had never seemed as worth it as it did when his disorder and he were not at the center of it anymore. And life was busy enough right now for him to forget fully about himself and do what he did best instead. Soothe others, care for them, save them.

   They usually rotated on air ambulance duty, and while Will suspected it was still because they did not entirely trust him, the newly certified flight paramedic, it didn’t bother him as much as he initially thought it would. It kept him close to the 027 Fire Department-- his home and family that had seen all too little of Will the weeks leading up to his final examinations and away from getting too close to the pretty nurses that he sometimes was made to sit in the small aerial space for hours. And as he made his way into Jefferson Health for the first 12-hour shift this week, his eyes made a bee-line for the prettiest one to join him yet. He had always liked the nurses better than doctors, regardless of whether they were women or not; they took their time and liked to indulge in his lulling stories with charms, even if they were just as busy as anybody else in the hospital. She (later found out to be named Sami) seemed no exception to this rule as she entertained him throughout the shift by dropping by and giving various kinds of information in exchange for a joke or two.

   Air ambulances had the ring of great risks and adrenaline, but there was a lot less glamour attached to the job that one would hope. Transporting corpseless, artificially kept-alive organs through the state like a butcher delivery service irked Will. As morbid as it sounded, he was happy for every real emergency that sent their way to get away from the everyday duties that left him never knowing whose life was altered. Who was saved or not? Getting one Harmony Logan off of Mount Washington after a biking accident sounded a lot more like helping a person than arbitrarily pushing former human body parts around for hours to Will.   “And hey, Will, maybe we can get together for after-shift drinks” Sami’s words cut right through his train of thought as the paramedic got into the helicopter for the sixth time for the day, the third of which with her. “Sure” he’d told her absentmindedly, willing to push whatever really had been his post-shift plans for another couple hours without much of a second thought. They got up in the air in a good enough mood at three thirty-one pm and would most likely return before five;  average day, well enough outcome.

If life got busy it was tough luck and as the impact of the crash hit Will’s chest and neck, a realization hit him with almost the same brutal force. His date for the night had supposed to be the I.V. bag lying at home for five days too long. When life got busy, he was playing with his life on luck. Two missed days of treatment of factor eight and he knew what the natural percentage of his clotting factor returned to. Still, his first instinct was to look for Sami and the pilot. He was the paramedic and a bloody cough would not stop him from any of it. Will was out to assume the worst at all scenes, but as his heart steadily pumped at a heightened rate his eyes already seized the young nurse stirring on the ground as though she’d only been knocked to her knees in a clumsy tumble. All fine. A soft smile tugged at the corners of his mouth in relief, helping Sami to her feet in almost the same motion that he used to lean into the cockpit and assure himself of person number two. Anger mixed with atonement came billowing out of the pilot's mouth, too preoccupied with his mistake in the too harsh landing to respond to Will’s questions on his state of being but lively and on the move in their limited space that he, too, seemed fine. All back to himself then.

   His hand gently felt over his uniformed chest where he had brutally hit the inner walls of the helicopter. Dry as ever, no skin had broken at the place or any other and sent a wave of relief through Will’s body. Maybe, just maybe it would be fine until they got back. He’d rush to the E.R. and have someone hook him up as the last minutes of his break rung in. “We can’t take off” The repeating sentence, almost screamed in anger by the pilot, shouldn’t have been the first indicator that things weren’t fine anymore, but Will was determined not to be what his genetics dictated him to be. Fine, fine, fine his mind repeated with every step he made outside of the helicopter to look for whom they had come there for, fine he told himself as the metallic taste of blood started to replace any other sensation he felt and pooled in his mouth, only for him to spit the mixture if it and saliva onto the ground. Fine until the color of what now continuously wet the ground grew darker, redder, thicker. Until the masses of it forced Will to his knees this time, and a scream rung in his ears as though a tragedy unfolded before somebody’s eyes. But where?

   All he saw was the full terror and absolute horror in the girl’s eyes as she kneeled above his body. His mind knew that there’s nothing she could do for him but his instincts now screamed louder than any coherent thought for her to help him, save him from what was happening inside. Do anything than let him miserably choke on his own blood that wouldn’t just stop flowing, giving his life the short few final minutes until his body would either shut down completely or it found its way into his lungs and suffocated him first. For every breath he took now, there was a mouthful of the warm, red liquid that stained the surrounding ground and his face to make way for air that barely found its way inside. This was not supposed to be how it ended. There was no peace in his mind or heart and no one else to blame but himself. Suddenly he was at the center of everything again and there was nothing to do but bleed and slowly fade away to nothingness. The wetness on his face was not exclusively what was drained of him, but sudden tears. Only his own, he thought for a split moment, but what vision he’d left told him that they dripped down from Sami’s face, screwed up in shock, where they’d meet his.

   He was not twenty-five at that time as much as he was four years old when he first cut his hand and would not stop bleeding. He was thirteen and had gotten punched in the face at school for the first time with his teachers freaking out. He was twenty-one and on the doorstep of his parents for the first time in months, beaten and bruised. He was all those boys, but he was ultimately alone even with his hand held and faces surrounding his failing body. They couldn’t know what to do, Will had never told anyone about it, refused to acknowledge or bear the alert bracelet and would be one of many bleeder’s to bleed out for his own actions. It felt like trying to scream underwater to tell them what was wrong with him, why his body reacted so severely while everyone else’s did nothing, only that water didn’t drain his body and energy from it. Hemo was as far as he’d get before coughing fits and the struggle to breathe pushed aside any more attempts to vocalize. There was only one or the other, and the one thing kept him alive though unclear for how long when even pushing out the breath started to burn like every drop of blood he lost was replaced with fire burning the insides of his lungs. Will started to count his breaths, trying to slow his heart from pumping so rapidly to his demise but to no avail. It paradoxically tried to fight him instead of fighting for him. Eight. Nine. Ten. He barely even felt anything entering him with breath ten and knew, that should his body muster up another one, it would be his last. His hand clutched, harder than before, at Sami’s and blue eyes wide like never before-

Eleven.

There was that day, and then there were the six weeks of recovery after to learn what happened after breath eleven. Many days of that time were spent in the same walls of Jefferson Health that he’d left then so carefree, never to return the same. His brain was full-functional but the body too weak to leave, so that waking nights were too hard to escape. Closing his eyes haunted him, made him afraid it would be the last time that the motion would fulfill itself, so every morning a nurse was greeted with a faint smile paired with bloodshot blue eyes that had evaded the dark once more to pass out in the daylight, only to repeat the motions day for day. They never were Sami’s eyes that he would meet though, and as he asked for her or how she’d been doing, they told him that she had quit at Jefferson. There was no judgment, only bitterness that remained like the metallic taste on his tongue like a torturous reminder that he had done this to her. Gotten into an impossible situation and forced her to look on as he bled out onto her. Who would blame her?

   February 28th came early that year. He turned twenty-six and there was nothing he wished for. Nothing but one thing that, from that day on, glimmered on his left wrist without a fail. He faulted his parents for a lot of things but never for crying as they brought the very same gift to his hospital room as they had to his childhood bedroom for years and Will wearing the silver bracelet for the first time in his life. 

You’re Idiots, the Both of You

Parings: Terra/Aqua, Kingdom Hearts

Setting: Early Summer; Terra & Aqua are 23 & 22, Ven is 18

Rating: K

Notes: This is sappy nonsense but I mean it kinda goes with the territory lmao Also already at three more chapters left! This au has been so dear to my heart and I’ve adored writing it, thanks so much to everyone who hung around for the ride ;-; <3

AO3

Life

“This thing we’re doing here – me, you – I just want you to know I’m in. I’m all in.”

-Luke

Terra liked to think he was a generally relaxed human being. He was aware he didn’t express his emotions the absolute best and could on occasion lose his temper but he was in the least pretty laid back about most everything. He wasn’t prone to panicking over things, big or little. Life was what it was; things would work out however they would in the end.

But right now sitting on the edge of his bed, he was absolutely freaking out.

He could only stare out at the absolute mess that was his room as he just tore apart every inch of it, trying to rake through every fragment of his mind to remember, to think of some place it could be. When was the last time he saw it? Where was he? What was he doing? He reached up to run his hands through his hair, leaning his elbows against his knees as he hunched himself over.

Terra admittedly knew he could be absent minded sometimes but he honestly didn’t think he’d lose something as important as, you know, the ring he bought to ask the woman he loved to marry him.

No big deal right?

He groaned, closing his eyes. It had to be somewhere. He couldn’t have been that careless. Okay, well, maybe he should’ve kept it in his room for safe keeping till he was ready but that was the thing, he was ready. It was just every time he tried, the right words never seemed to come out and he quit halfway through. So he had kept it on him in case he could actually do it, which ended up being the problem considering now he couldn’t find the damn thing anywhere.

It wasn’t like it was terribly expensive but he did save for it as well as drag Ven to a jewelry store at least two hours from home so the gossipy town folk wouldn’t catch wind of anything. Terra knew it at one glance with its silver, whites and blues complete with a small star; her favorite symbol, the one that hung off the friendship bracelets she made them as kids. It was perfect and now it was gone.

“Hey, Ter, do you mind if….What’s the matter with you?”

Terra glanced up to see Ven standing in the doorway, eyeing the disaster that was the room.

“It looks like a tornado went through here.”

“No shit,” Terra grunted.

Ven arched an eyebrow. “Alright then, what’s the matter?”

“I lost Aqua’s ring.” No use in hiding it from the one person who knew about it.

Ven whistled lightly as he leaned against the doorframe. “Maybe if you hadn’t taken a million years to ask her.”

“Now’s really not the time, Ventus.”

“Alright,” he said, glancing around the room. “Last place you had it?”

“That’s the problem,” Terra sighed, letting his hands drop to his lap. “I can’t remember. I just always had it with me. I’ve checked all my clothes, laundry, this entire damn room, work uniform, everywhere. I even checked the laundry room though I’m pretty sure if mom found it I would’ve heard about it by now.”

“Then not here, okay.” Ven glanced up at the ceiling before looking back to Terra. “I know you don’t work there anymore but Cid’s? Or better yet the station. Don’t you have a locker there?”

His heart jumped into his throat; he hadn’t checked there yet, he hadn’t even thought to check there yet. It was summer and he left his jacket in his locker a lot or his change of uniform or clothes. It could be there. Terra pushed himself up to his feet, patting his pockets down to make sure his still had his wallet, phone, and keys. “I never even though to think there, thanks, Ven.”

“No worries. Hey, I’ll come with you.” He was already following Terra out of his room, not that he minded too much. It would probably be better to have someone with a clear head if worst case it wasn’t there.

“Yeah, sure, c’mon.” Terra didn’t turn around but waved Ven on as Terra headed down the stairs; his brother’s footsteps coming down after him.

No one else was home, thank God. Not that they wouldn’t know eventually, but Terra wasn’t exactly a person who enjoyed the feeling of being the center of attention which would absolutely happen if he told the rest of his family what he was planning or at least trying to. He pushed open the front door, the warm air hitting him instantly.

Ven shut the door, pulling out his own keys to lock the door. Even though he was well old enough, he was about to be a senior in high school for Christ’s sake, it was still a little strange for Terra that his baby brother had his own keys and his own car. Not that Ven was much of a baby any more when he stood nearly eye to eye with Terra.

He led the way to his car with Ven sliding into the passenger seat without complaint, probably just letting Terra do whatever he wanted to make him feel better about potentially loosing something rather important.

“So,” Ven breathed as Terra started the car, pulling it out of the driveway. “Any reason why you haven’t asked her yet?”

He glanced over at Ven who was rolling down the window. “Is that why you wanted to come? Trap me in the car?”

Ven grinned, like he had zero concerns in the world. “Yep, absolutely.”

“Well, I’m glad one of us can be so carefree right now.”

“Oh, will you relax, Terra. I know you didn’t lose it. You’re too careful for that. It’s somewhere and I know we’ll find it okay? So breathe.” Ven waited a minute, probably to make sure Terra was in fact still breathing. “Okay, so, let it out. It could help.”

He rolled his head back against the headrest, eyes firmly on the road. He didn’t really want to talk about it not because it was difficult to explain but more so he was embarrassed at the fact he couldn’t actually do it every time he wanted to. “I don’t know.”

“Yes, you do.”

“I’d ask if you’ve always been this annoying but I know for a fact you have.”

“Stop being so dramatic.” Ven rolled his eyes, fingers tapping lightly on his leg. “What’s the big deal? You know she’ll say yes.”

“Yeah, but that’s not the point.”

“Oh, really?” Ven’s voice sounded way too amused for his own good. “So the point of asking someone to marry them is not for them to say yes?”

“I’m really regretting letting you in this car.”

“To bad, I’m the only one who knows about the ring and therefore the only one who can help you.”

“Okay, fine,” Terra sighed, knowing they still had a little bit to drive to get to the station he worked at and that Ven would never drop this until Terra just told him. “It’s just…every time I try I just can’t find the right words to say to her. I’ve never been good at that. There’s so much I want to tell her but when it comes down to it I just can’t.”

“Yeah, but, Ter, don’t you think she knows you well enough to know you’re not the one to give a big long romantic speech?”

“I mean, yeah, I guess.” He shrugged, turning closer to town but choosing to go around it rather than through it. “But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve it. She’s always liked that kinda stuff. I know I’m not very good at it so I’d like to make sure it’s everything she ever wanted.”

“I dunno, man, I think you’re really overthinking it.” Ven looked over. “I think you’re the only thing she’s ever wanted and you could probably throw the damn ring at her and she’d still be overjoyed.”

Terra snorted. “That doesn’t mean I don’t wanna do better than that.”

“Fair enough.” Ven paused for a second. “Tell me then, tell me what you’d wanna tell her.”

Terra hesitated. Next to Aqua, his brother was the closest person he felt to but still he wasn’t particularly good at this. “I dunno, Ven.”

“Just do it, it’s not like I don’t know anyways.”

“I guess,” Terra sighed; they weren’t too far away from his work so he supposed he could humor Ven for a moment. “I’d just tell her the truth, that she’s the only person I’d wanna spend the rest of my life with, that there’s no one that I love more than her and there never will be.”

“There’s nothing wrong with that, idiot,” Ven said, reaching over to hit at Terra’s arm.

“Yeah, okay, easier to say it to you then when Aqua has those pretty eyes of hers watching my every move.”

“Are you telling me that Aqua has prettier eyes than I do?”

“Ventus,” Terra sighed, but at the same time for the first time since he realized the ring was missing he felt a smile pulling at his lips. Ven usually had that effect.

“Just stop worrying about it and do it. I promise no matter what you say she’s gonna love it.”

The fire station was just up a head, right next to it where Terra worked. Usually the sight of the stations were welcome as he genuinely did like his job as he liked the old brick buildings, red and white trim like straight out of an old movie. As he pulled his car off to the side of the road though, dread was starting to settle in his stomach again. He just hoped it was here.

He opened his door as Ven jumped out of the passenger seat, stretching his arms over his head. It didn’t look any of the trucks were gone which meant everyone on duty was here. If Terra could just get in to check and out without anyone asking him why he was there on his day off that would be ideal. It had to be here, there was no whe-

“Terra?”

He froze mid step up onto the sidewalk from the road, Ven pausing too so he could turn his head though it wasn’t like either of them didn’t know that voice.

“Oh, hey, Aqua,” Ven waved, putting on an easy smile. “What’re you doing out here?”

Terra looked over to see her walking up the sidewalk, coming from town. She looked a little confused but otherwise didn’t look any different from when he had seen her last night. She was even wearing a jacket despite the fact it was summer, his jacket to be exact, the one he let her have when she got too cold last night.

“Looking for you guys,” she said. “Neither of you were answering your phones.”

Ven pulled his phone out of his pocket to check and Terra probably would’ve done the same but the jacket…he remembered giving her the jacket. He only even had it on because it was easier to carry the ring…in it.

Terra was pretty sure he stopped breathing for a while.

“Oh, sorry,” Ven said, glancing a look over at Terra probably wondering why he hadn’t said a single thing yet. “Terra thought he forgot something here so I was coming for the ride. I just didn’t feel my phone go off, he probably didn’t either.”

“It’s fine,” she said, though she was still a little bit away.

There’s no way she couldn’t have noticed. It’s not like it wasn’t obvious what it would be even if she didn’t look at it.

Terra felt Ven lean in closer, holding his hand out. “You forgot it was in the jacket you let her wear didn’t you?”

“Ah, yeah,” Terra choked a little. “Seems that way.”

“Guess it’s now or never then.” Ven cleared his throat as Aqua came to stop in front of them. “Hey, gimmie your keys, I’ll go in and check for you.”

While with Ven there it was an excuse not to ever bring this up with Aqua, Terra knew he dragged this out long enough as is. He brought that ring months ago, no more excuses. “Yeah, thanks.” He placed the keys in Ven’s hand and he promptly took off without another look back. Some support of a brother was.

“What was that all about?” Aqua asked, eyeing Ven before looking back to Terra.

“Ah, you know how he is.”

“Yeah,” she said, a slight smile on her lips.

He still wasn’t really all that sure what to say if she wasn’t bringing it up, but despite the way his heart was nearly pounding out of his chest, acting normal was probably a start. He reached his hands to her face, pulling her in closer till he could kiss her. It was quick as his nerves were starting to get the better of him again but she still smiled at him when he looked at her.

“Hi,” she said.

“Hi.”

Before he even got a chance to do anything else, Aqua was already reaching her hand into the pocket of his jacket, pulling out the unmistakable box, the one he had been searching for all morning. “I might’ve found your lost item.”

He tried to hum in acknowledgment but it came out choked instead. “Yeah, imagine that.” Terra gently took it from her hand, though it really was in his hands now and he still had no idea what to say to her; it was almost worst considering of all the places he considered asking her, the side walk in front of his work where sirens could go off at any second from both the fire trucks and the ambulances wasn’t the top of the list. It was always some place secluded, just them, no other eyes or nosey glances.

But it’s not like he could quite hide his intentions any more.

“Did you, ah, open it?” he asked, not really sure how to phrase that question without sounding accusatory.

“No,” she said, shaking her head slightly. “I respect your privacy.”

He hummed again as words still wouldn’t come to his head. It wasn’t usually like this, even when he had nothing to say it didn’t matter not with Aqua, but here words were important. Even with Ven’s help it didn’t seem good enough, nothing felt good enough for her, for how he felt about her.

“Terra.” Her voice was firm but her touch gentle when she reached up to brush some of his bangs out of his eyes, fingers trailing lightly on his face. “You don’t have to, you know, say anything. I was trying to give you back your jacket without having to tell you, but when neither of you answered your phones I figured you already realized it was gone.” She paused for a moment, her hand resting on his chest, that usual warm smile on her lips. “Don’t worry about it, when you’re ready.”

It was astounding where he never knew what to say, she always knew the right thing to say. They worked together like that, and in every other aspect of their lives.

“C’mon,” Aqua said, grabbing his hand that wasn’t holding the ring box and nodded back towards town. “Let’s get Ven and go get some ice cream or something.”

Terra supposed Ven was right; in the end it didn’t really matter where it was or what was even said. She knew Terra better than anyone in the world, he probably wouldn’t have to say the words and she’d still know what he was trying to express to her. There were words though, there were things he wanted her to hear, even if he had said them before, he still needed her to know. It was just as good of place as any.

Aqua started to tug his hand some, trying to get him moving but he pulled her hand back, tugging her in till she was close enough for him to lean down and kiss her again. He pressed his forehead against hers, breath coming out a bit shakier than he intended.

She was quiet, her hand still laced with his, the other lightly resting on his chest. He could feel her breath on his face, the sweet smell of vanilla from her shampoo as some of her hair tickled his skin. It was hot out and she was warm, still wearing a jacket in the middle of summer despite the fact she was also wearing shorts and flip flops and there was no one he loved more.

When he finally did speak, he was surprised he even had a voice. “I’ve never known a life without you, you know.”

She laughed softly. “I suppose that’s true isn’t it?”

“I can’t imagine a life where I’d want to. I love you more than I think I could even express and a part of me always has, I hope you know that.”

“I know,” she breathed. “I always do.” Aqua reached a hand up to his face, the sleeve sliding down some to show her wrist. Out of the corner of his eye he could see the old, worn blue bracelet she had tied on. She didn’t wear it all the time as he knew she didn’t want it to break with age; she was sentimental like that.

Terra let go of her hand, reaching over to tap at the bracelet. “I still have mine too.”

“I know you do,” she said. “It’s too small for you now though.”

“Stars always make me think of you because of it and that story you told me about them.”

She rolled her eyes, hand dropping to his chest again as she laughed. “Yeah, that I was too embarrassed to tell you that’s why I put the charms on the bracelets when I gave it to you. Ven’s too, though he probably wouldn’t have teased me like you did.”

Terra couldn’t quite recall the whole story now as his heart was actually in his throat but it had to do with fate and bonds, she really liked that kind of stuff. “I always thought you were right. I know teased you about it all the time but I knew it.”

She nodded though her blue eyes looked a little watery, like she never expected him to remember something like that.

Terra held the jewelry box flat in his hand, reaching over to pull it open. His bracelet she made him so long ago fell out a little, the orange threads against the blue and silver of the ring.

Despite the fact at this point she had to know what he was doing, both her hands were over her mouth in a sort of surprise. She looked up from it to him, and he knew the look in her eyes; he probably wouldn’t even have to ask. He knew her well enough to see the answer on her face.

“Will you marry me?”

Aqua stared for a second, the one of them who always knew what to say looking like she was at a loss for words. “Of course,” she said, though her voice was muffled do to the fact she still had her hands over her mouth. She seemed to realize it as she dropped them. “Yes, of course, yes. Always yes.”

His heart was still up in his throat but he carefully popped the ring out of the box, safely putting both the box and the bracelet in his pocket, before taking her hand to slide the ring just moments ago he had thought was gone onto her finger.

Aqua’s breath hitched as she looked at for a moment but she quickly recovered, throwing her arms around his neck and holding on tightly. Terra only found he could breathe again when leaned in, wrapping his arms around her, head nudged against hers.

Ven was right, Terra didn’t really think she’d say no, but at the same time hearing her say it aloud made him feel almost like nothing had up until this point. She wasn’t just his best friend any more, she wasn’t just his girlfriend, she was going to be the person he spend the rest of his life with. It was enough to make him not want to let go of her for a long time.

Until he felt another body weight run into his back so hard he had to take a few steps forward to catch his and Aqua’s balance.

“Oh man, finally, seriously.” Ven propped his chin up on Terra’s other shoulder, arms around both him and Aqua.

He reached one hand up to push Ven’s head away but he moved out of the way. “Were you watching the whole time?”

“Uh yeah, of course I was. What else would I have been doing?”

Aqua pulled away enough to look at Terra, eyes glancing to Ven and back. Her smile was breathtaking, eyes still a little wet. She really was the most beautiful girl he ever knew. “I take it he knew.”

“Unfortunately,” Terra rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, okay, should I tell her when you actually bought the ring?” Ven snorted, letting go of them but only so he could slip in between to hug Aqua instead. “Now you’re really my sister, you know.”

She laughed when Ven lifted her up off the ground. Some part of Terra could see the situation reversed, Aqua at a much younger age picking Ven up to carry him around. Times had changed, people grew up but it was still them, still the three of them.

“I’m happy for you guys,” Ven said, when he finally did put Aqua back down. “You deserve this.”

Aqua was still laughing as she looked over to Terra, her fingers lightly running over the ring like even though she had already knew it existed, like she couldn’t believe it was real. He was always happy with her, that wasn’t changing but this would be new too, a little different, but not unwanted, not even a little bit.

He reached over to Ven’s head, ruffling his hair. “Thanks, buddy. Thanks for your help.”

“That’s what brothers are for, idiot.”

Aqua leaned back into Terra, wrapping her arms around his waist as she leaned her head down against his shoulder. He dropped his arm to her shoulders, leaning down to press a kiss to the drop of her head. This was it, this would always be his life now.

Ven let out a low whistle, eyes looking towards town. “Man, just wait till everyone finds out. They’re gonna flip out.”

Okay, you know, that Terra could wait a little bit on.  

Prompt #8: January 8, 2019

a river the color of sunset

Implemented with Tuesday’s theme, Tender Tuesday.

The sun had begun to set, casting a symphony of red, blue, and yellow streaks of color sprawling across the vast sky overhead. The sun was gradually sinking low into the horizon and lit up the nearby river with the color of a sunset before finally, a dark curtain settled onto the landscape making the water appear black. Stars started to appear, twinkling into existence against the backdrop of the night sky and Dot shifted in her seat, scooting closer into her companion’s side.

“I don’t get to watch sunsets often, at all, but that was ...really fucking beautiful.” Jason Todd looked down at Dot as she had moved and put his arm around her shoulder to ensure she didn’t fall from the branch they were perched on.

Dot hummed in agreement, yawning slightly as the day had worn her out. After what had been an event full of adventure and mischief at the river, it was also a guise for Bruce and the family he had took under his wing to spend some time together in a setting that reflected peace and serenity. With so many people in the Wayne Manor and their responsibility to the city of Gotham, personalities were bound to collide and clash into each other. Dot had been right, watching weeks and weeks of tempers flare and snide comments snipe from either side that she finally decided to do something about it. The river provided the best area that Dot thought was a hidden gem within the grime of the crime-riddled city. It was so hard to find someplace that reflected nature at its seemingly untouched purest, far away from the sirens and bustle of city life. Dot planned it all with a helping hand from Alfred, packing an extravagant lunch and even roping Bruce into showing the small family how to fish.

Granted, Bruce didn’t know how to fish himself, this had provided the best entertainment of the day by far. All in all, Dot thought the day was a success and by the end of the day, she saw that they were laughing among each other instead of handing out threats.

The rest of the Bat family had packed up and left from their day at the river, leaving only Jason and Dot in each other’s company. Dot had wanted to sit and stay a little longer to watch the river being an avid fan of bodies of water. It took a little convincing but Jason reassured Bruce he would stay with Dot to ensure nothing happened to her; he was capable of actually killing anyone who tried yet that was what Bruce was afraid of. 

It had been Dot’s intention on seeing the sunset but she never accounted for anyone wanting to sit and watch it with her. But that was her problem; she never thought about herself.

What she didn’t know was anyone would jump on the chance to spend precious time with Dot alone--and many of them did. It was obvious that she was the glue that held this dysfunctional family together, even if she couldn’t put herself into the role of “Mother” for the rest of the family. If anyone needed the reassurance of their place in the Wayne family, it was Dot. But she was always busy thinking and taking care of other people.

It was the thought Jason had at the front of his mind as he sat with her now. He rubbed her arm, feeling the raised flesh of goosebumps on her bare skin. “Are you cold, ma?” he asked, shifting before Dot even replied. He took his jacket off and placed it around her shoulders and replaced his arm to tug her into his side.

Dot was still caught on the “ma” part of that question, still not used to any of the Robins or Batgirls calling her any variation of mom. It always seemed to send a rush of heat to her face, tinting her cheeks a faint red and struck her speechless for a second or two before she could usually respond. If she was cold before, it didn’t apply now.

“Thank you, Jason.” she smiled, turning her face up to look at him. He returned her sentiment with a smile of his own, a rare thing for Jason nowadays. It surprised her how he seemed at ease right now when at home, he was like another person. Her eyes caught to the way the wind ruffled his hair, the streak of white at the front fluttering like the wings of a butterfly as they played peek-a-boo against the dark raven strands. Dot knew, but didn’t quite understand, why it was a mark of shame for him. She would have asked if she weren’t afraid of crossing any boundaries (that weren’t there). And it never seemed like a good enough time to ask since he kept his distance away from the household. Jason had to be the son she sees less in the household than anyone else. Even Dick and his duties as Nightwing visits whenever he’s away from the manor.

But anyone who stayed with the Wayne family long enough understood why. Dot knew Jason wasn’t like the others in terms of fighting crime. It was where he and Bruce butted heads a lot and it was the one thing Jason couldn’t change about himself no matter how hard Bruce had tried and still continues to try to get through to him. Jason was also brash, impulsive, foul-mouthed, and more aggressive than the other men. This led to a lot of conflicting views and opinions. Sometimes Dot thought Jason believed it was better he was away. But she’s seen the way Bruce stays in a bad mood after an altercation with Jason; he doesn’t reflect it well, but he worries and he stays away from the rest of the family by patrolling the streets for days at a time, neglecting his own health. And afterwards, seems broodier than usual.

“Everyone loves you, you know.” Dot said, carefully. She felt it might have been necessary to remind him but she could feel Jason tense by her side. She frowned and worried on her bottom lip wondering if she had said the wrong thing.

After a while, Jason spoke. “I know.”

Dot waited for a while to see if he would speak again but he didn’t. If she had to guess, he was probably thinking about his place in the family. It was a huge deal he even came to the river today.

“I don’t know how to get along with them.” he admitted, quietly, and Dot could see from his expression, it was hard to admit this. She felt her heart squeeze in response, resting her head on his arm. 

“Well... don’t feel too bad about that,” she mildly joked while giving his knee a pat. “they don’t know how to get along with each other, either.”

This seemed to make Jason smile before it was soon replaced with a frown. “I know I’m different from them. Always have been. Always will be.”

Now it was Dot’s turn to frown, “That’s not a bad thing, to be different. You each just have your own strengths and weaknesses. If you were all the same, there wouldn’t be any point of you being you. Or Richard being Richard... or Tim or Duke or Cassandra or Damien.”

“Even if I kill people and they don’t? Doesn’t that just make my personality worse than theirs?”

“Worse? Who told you that you were worse?” Dot asked, leaning forward a bit so she could tilt her head under Jason’s ducked one. “Did Bruce say that? I’m going to kick his caped crusader ass--”

Jason laughed lifting his head, “No. ...No, he didn’t.” his eyebrows furrowed; he’s never recalled an instance where Bruce claimed Jason was worse than any of them, though he always seemed... disappointed. He ran a stressed hand through his hair, shaking his head as he thought about his old mentor. “Never mind, it doesn’t matter--”

“Nah uh,” Dot said, straightening up. “You don’t do that to me.��

“Do what?”

“This never mind business. You don’t open up, you don’t speak about these things, how is anyone ever going to know how you feel or know what’s bothering you if you keep it bottled inside? How is that going to make the situation better for you in the future? How is anyone going to understand you?”

“Things don’t need to change,” Jason pointed out. “and I’ve been doing a damn good job of getting by by not sharing, that it doesn’t even bother me.”

“Oh... you’re lying so hard to me right now.”

“No, I’m not.”

“You did it again. You are killing your mother.”

Jason grinned down at her, moving into her space to press his forehead against hers. “I’d just about be the only one in this family who could do it.”

Dot immediately shied away, laughing. “That’s terrible.”

“What can I say? I’m a terrible guy.”

“If you don’t stop, Jason Todd, I’m going to push you from this tree.”

“I’d just land on all fours, like a cat.” 

“Is that a stupid joke?” Dot asked, whipping her head at him. Jason grinned, a hint of mischief in his eyes and she could see, no realize, that a glimmer of the old Jason was in there. And he was only half kidding. He’s only come back from the dead once. Not like he has nine lives. Well, the Lazarus Pit does keep him from aging and he can regenerate pretty quickly. It was like having nine lives.

“Maybe.”

“You think you’re so hilarious.” Dot said before adding, “Well, you are.”

Jason couldn’t resist, “Sorry I’m funny.”

Dot gasped. “Oh, how dare! How very dare!”

Jason and Dot laughed, wrapped together in the moment. Jason looked like he was thoroughly enjoying himself, carefree and released from the thought of himself he shaped himself to be--at least, from what Bruce could tell from his spot a few feet away, obscured by the shadows of the leaves and thick branches of the tree he had been standing on; his cape quietly flapped in the accompanying wind but he hadn’t been noticed and he didn’t think he would be at this point. He didn’t quite approve of the topics they strayed to as he listened but he could tell that Dot was getting through to Jason in ways he couldn’t because she complimented and filled in what he lacked. 

The soft hand of a concerned mother... even if that line seemed to blur most times.

What You Never Had: Chapter 8

Reader x Jin, Namjoon, Jimin & Taehyung

Genres: Royalty AU, fluff and angst

Word count: 3,509 words

Chapter 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 (M) | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 (M) | 13 | 14 (Final)

A/N: Thanks Ann @godsavemefrombts for beta-ing this mess for me as always!

Disclaimer/Copyright

This is frustrating.

It had been several days since you went to the City Hall, and saw the suspicious meeting between the gang leader that you'd recognised from your first day out of the castle and men who looked like pirates. To be fair, you couldn't confirm without a doubt that the unfamiliar men were pirates just from their clothes, but the fact that they met a dubious character such as the gang leader was reason enough to warrant further investigation. Still, without conclusive evidence, you had to be careful who you divulge this information to.

Of course, the person who made most sense would be your eldest brother, the Crown Prince Namjoon. However, the first person who came to your mind was none other than your Royal Guard, Seokjin. Not simply because he was the love of your life, but because you were confident in his abilities. Moreover, being one of the citizens of the capital instead of living most of his life in the castle, Jin may have information and insight that you and Namjoon didn't possess.

It wasn't like you were spoiled for choice either way. Even before that visit to help with the poor and the jobless, both your brothers had been busy with councils added to their other duties. That was part of the reason neither of them accompanied you to the City Hall in the first place. Now that you were back, it seemed that they were busier than ever. You'd heard that the Crown Prince of Delphina, the powerful neighbouring country to the north had arrived to attend the meetings, but apparently things were so rushed and chaotic that he had decided to do away with the grand welcome. Therefore, you hadn't had the chance to meet him yet, but that hardly mattered to you right now. Yet the fact that he'd put the matters of the countries above a flamboyant celebration told you that he had the leadership and passion that befitted a future king, much like your own country's Crown Prince. You could think of more than a handful of nobles who would have insisted on an extravagant commemoration for any excuse they could think of.

On the other hand, what was even more maddening was that after recovering and returning to service, Jin had also been occupied with his other duties in the castle. As you currently had nothing scheduled outside the castle, you hadn't had a reason to venture out of it. Which meant that you hadn't had the opportunity to see Jin for more than five minutes at a time, and certainly not privately. That was hardly enough time to have such a sensitive, prolonged conversation. The only person you could share your findings with was Ji Eun, but she wasn't in the position to give you much help. So when you'd found out that Jin would have a break that afternoon, you'd made your desire to take a walk at the nearby lake known immediately. It was just beyond the grounds and only easily accessible to the people of the castle so you'd managed to insist on only taking Ji Eun and Jin with you.

The lake was huge, the bank on the other side barely visible to your eyes. It was a cool day, but Jin's presence right next to you was a comforting warmth that chased the chilly breeze away. On your left side stood Ji Eun, her face impassive. She had made it clear that she didn't think that your relationship with Jin was a good idea. On the other hand, she had also seen the evidence of your depth of love for Jin on numerous occasions and Jin had also proven to her that he would go to any lengths for your sake. That was the only reason she'd go along with any of this, or so she told you.

It was uncanny. The castle had been mayhem from your perspective these past few days, what with the important guests from another country, the people close to you being inaccessible due to numerous pressing issues that kept most of them behind doors, no doubt in deep and convoluted discussion. In addition, being stuck inside had made you feel suffocated and frustrated by your inability to do anything while everyone else had important matters to attend to. Yet in this vast open space, accompanied by some of the people most important to you, feeling the wind caressing your face gently, the gust running its fingers through your hair, fresh air filling your lungs, lush hues of blues and greens of the sky, water and trees soothed your very soul. Your worries seemed so far away, insignificant. A bubble of laughter escaped your mouth, so carefree you felt right here, right now. Beside you, Ji Eun was startled by the sudden giggle, then her face relaxed into a smile similar to the one Jin wore the instant he'd seen your eyes sparkle with happiness.

"Would you like to sit?" Jin asked you, then glanced at Ji Eun, letting her know that the question was directed to her as well.

"If you don't mind, I'd like to take a walk," you told him. "There's something I'd like to talk to you about." He inclined his head readily, already able to guess that you hadn't suddenly wanted to venture for a walk with only the two of them on a whim. After getting his agreement, you turned toward Ji Eun, cocking your head. An invitation for her to join in the conversation if she wanted to, but also a clear permission to sit out if she didn't. She nodded, pivoting to follow you, but when you and Jin proceeded to walk around the lake, she fell several steps behind. Close enough to be able to hear, but far enough that you and Jin could walk together like a normal couple, a luxury that you couldn't afford in front of people because of your status. A gesture that made you appreciate and love her even more.

The first few steps were filled with silence. Just taking in the change of pace and each other's company. Even though you'd come here countless times before, especially when Jimin wanted to spend time with you by taking you out boating, it was different when your companion was Jin. It felt like ages since you were able to spend quality time with him like this, without any pretenses that you'd had to keep up with at the castle due to your differences in station. Where you couldn’t smile at him without worrying that it would rouse suspicion, unable to hold or even touch him, having to sneak furtive glances at each other. There wasn’t much you could do about it — you were thankful to have what you had as it was — but to be free with him like this, just like how it used to be in the beginning of your relationship, even for a short time was heaven to you. Nonetheless, you arranged this with a purpose in mind, and it wouldn’t do to cast it aside for the sake of a worry-free outing with Jin.

Loathsome as it was, you had to bring it up. “Did Jungkook say anything to you about the visit to City Hall?”

Jin’s lips pursed into the smallest of pouts; an adorable indication that he regretted not being able to accompany you then. You couldn’t stop a smile from forming as he shook his head. So Jungkook kept your little chase quiet. You appreciated him for that, although he might have covered for you to save himself. After all, if it was known that you’d slipped away on his watch, he might land in bigger trouble than you would. Whatever the reason may be, you were thankful for these little blessings. If Jungkook hadn't told Jin, chances were high that he hadn't told anyone else either.

The people you trusted. Those were the people who needed to know. Moreover, with Jin, there was nothing you needed to hide. He knew about this affair more than anyone else, with the exception of yourself. So you told him everything that you saw that day; the sighting of the gang leader who tried to assault you on the same day you met Jin for the first time that caused you to trail after him, this time leading you to two men who wore suspiciously similar clothes as the pirates who attempted the kidnapping of a child under your very nose, and their hushed interaction that you unfortunately couldn't catch. The frown that marred Jin's handsome features appeared when you told him that you went off without protection, and remained defenseless throughout. It sometimes deepened as you told your tale, but he didn't interrupt until you were finished.

When you did, the first thing he did was let out a loud sigh. "Is there any cure for this habit of yours? How many times are you going to go off on your own? You should really stop to think about your safety."

A sound of satisfaction could be heard from behind, and you could feel Ji Eun's approval for Jin shooting up after hearing him say pretty much the same thing she did when you told her about this. You couldn't help but smile wryly at her happiness at having found a person who wouldn't hesitate to tell you off on your wrongdoings. Most people other than your own family members and herself would be too intimidated to scold a princess, after all. "I'm sorry. It's just that seeing him there when we were helping the kind of people he seems to be targeting — jobless people who need money — was just too big a coincidence. If people don't need to borrow money, he would lose the control he has over them. I had to find out what he's up to."

"I know why you did it," Jin answered, his understanding laced with resignation. "But what if he saw you, and no one was around to help you? What if he kidnapped you, or harmed you? How would His Majesty feel? Your brothers will be devastated. And I would have to search everywhere to kill him and get you back. Try to think about how your actions would affect others, y/n. You're good at doing so when it comes to the people's welfare. Try to give it some thought when it comes to yourself as well."

Happiness bloomed inside you over his vehemence over protecting you, but you knew that no matter what your reasoning was, Jin's concerns were still valid. He was right; you were not in a position to be so reckless, as your actions could affect many others. So you nodded apologetically. Thankfully, that was enough to placate him and he let the matter drop. "It's hard to identify pirates just by what they're wearing. Sailors don't dress too differently from each other," he mused.

"Still, you have to agree that the fact that they were waiting for the gang leader is highly suspicious," you insisted.

"That's true," he concurred. "It's just impossible to pin them based on that alone. There's also the matter of what they're in cahoots over. Without knowing that, there's nothing for us to charge them with."

"Come to think of it, I didn't see Ki Joon that day," you noted. It would be surprising if he didn't show up, considering that it was for the sake of people like him — impoverished citizens in need of work — that so much effort had been done. In fact, it was Ki Joon's plight that alerted you to this problem in the first place, and caused you to urge Namjoon as the Crown Prince to do something about it.

"Perhaps he came while you were busy going off after the man you saw outside?" Jin made you consider the possibility. Ignoring his light chiding, you agreed that it could have happened.

"I'll get the list of the names of people who gave their names that day and see if he's on it," you told him. "I'm also thinking of telling Namjoon about this. As much as I hate to add to his worries, this could grow into a serious matter if ignored."

"Good. Hopefully he will knock some sense into you over this tendency of yours to run off on your own," he smirked, before curiously asking, "how are you going to tell him, though?"

How indeed. Back when you first left the castle on your own, the reason you followed that thug in the first place was because he and his men were harassing Ki Joon, and tried to harm you when you attempted to save the young man. You weren't known as a princess to the citizens then, which was the catalyst for venturing outside the castle to experience a taste of a commoner's life. It was an outing that wasn't known to anyone else but Ji Eun and Jin. So how were you going to broach the subject with Namjoon without letting him know that you'd gone outside the castle before your coming of age ceremony? It wasn't like Namjoon had never broken the rules, yet you still were afraid of how he would react. Moreover, if you'd told him of your adventures then, there was a high probability that you'd have to reveal your connection with Jin, and that definitely wasn't a good idea.

So before thinking about meeting Namjoon, which was a difficult endeavour in itself, you sought out a less than enthused Jungkook. The solution was simple with a little twist of the truth; instead of the gang leader, you'd say that you saw one of the sailors. Suspicious of his presence so far away from the port, you'd gotten Jungkook to come with you to tail him, and found that he met with two other men, one of whom Jungkook supposedly recognised as the head of a group of men famous for causing trouble among the people in the capital. The agreement of the reluctant Jungkook would have been impossible to procure without Jin's help. Jungkook's decision to go along with you was surprisingly easy upon finding out that Jin, a senior from the academy that he highly respected, was a corroborator with your story.

Given how busy Namjoon was, there was no choice but to create your own window of opportunity. It was hardly professional of you to ask one of the maids bringing tea and refreshments into the meeting room to call for him while you and Jungkook waited out in the hall, but if you'd waited even longer, the problem might grow to become a serious one before action could be taken. Despite supposedly being on a tea break, you could still hear voices engaged in a calm but serious discussion as Namjoon slipped out of the room. As the door closed behind him, you wrenched your eyes away from the narrowed opening to look up at a frazzled Namjoon.

A strained smile that seemed a little forced on your eldest brother's face made your heart feel a pang of guilt. Resolving to make this as quick as possible and to help him with it as much as you could, you launched into the story that you'd agreed with Jungkook earlier. Namjoon frowned just as Jin did when you relayed to him that you'd followed the man you suspected to be a pirate. He knew about the attempted child abduction while you were visiting an orphanage after coming out as the princess, but like the others, he didn't approve of your decision to follow such a potentially dangerous character.

"I can't believe that you didn't stop her," he directed his soft rebuke towards Jungkook, who lowered his head behind you. You felt sorry for putting him in this situation, but there was no help for it. Not if you wanted to tackle the problem as quickly as possible, and this was the only thing you could think of.

"If he hadn't followed me, I would have gone off on my own," you stubbornly interjected before Namjoon could scold him any further. "He was only making sure that I'm safe."

Namjoon considered the reckless and stubborn personality of his one and only sister, and accepted the reasoning with a loud exhale. After you hurried to finish your explanation and concerns, he nodded, immediately understanding the source of your worry and agreeing with your assessment over the potential danger. "If your suspicions are correct, we may have another serious issue on our hands. It's good that you've come to me now. We're quite short-handed, which is why we're in discussions with the Crown Prince of Delphina. If they are willing to help us fortify our security at the border, we may be able to assign some personnel to look into this matter."

So that was what the councils were all about. News of the attacks on the bordering villages and towns have reached the castle as well. It was to be expected if the problem had exacerbated to this extent. Still, other matters shouldn't be ignored just because one pressing issue was being dealt with. Trusting Namjoon to bring the matter up with the council, you requested him for the list of people who'd registered for jobs on the day of that incident. Before he could ask you what you needed it for, Jimin opened the door to the meeting room from inside. He didn't look surprised to see you or Jungkook there, only sparing you a small nod and a little grim smile before summoning Namjoon back in.

Even with various duties to attend to, it only took Namjoon until the following afternoon to assign someone to retrieve the list and get it to you. The list was a lot longer than you'd anticipated. Although you spent the night going through it, and the following morning checking it again to be sure, Ki Joon's name wasn't on it. This was odd.

Jin thought that something was amiss as well when you told him. In fact, he had already prepared for the possibility, and had thought of the next step in case this happened. "My day off is coming soon. I'll go visit Ki Joon's place and find out what is going on with him," he shared his plans with you, talking discreetly while he accompanied you as you made your way down the hall later that day. You nodded regally, making your way forward with a ready smile on your face for every person that you encountered, be it the noble or the help. To anyone else, it seemed like you and Jin were simply discussing your schedule for the day.

You trusted Jin to find out as much as he could about the situation. However, without knowing what those men were up to, that is, if they were up to anything, there wasn't much you could do on your own. Suppressing a deep sigh, you glanced back at him to softly say, "please let me know if you find out anything as soon as you can."

He nodded, flashing you a quick and reassuring smile that set your worried, jumbled thoughts at ease. Just as quickly, he piqued your interest when his eyes shifted away from yours and his expression changed to a more serious one. You followed his gaze, turning around to look at the small group of men further down the hall, walking towards you and Jin. Namjoon was at the head with another man, who was tall, although not as tall as your eldest brother, but just as lanky. He strode with purpose, confidence exuding from his steps even though he was absorbed in his conversation with Namjoon. As engrossed as he was in his speech, he was still aware of his surroundings, which caused your presence to draw his attention as they got closer. His wide yet cat-like eyes widened just a fraction when he spotted you, his thick, shapely eyebrows traveling up a smidgen as his lips paused. Only for one moment, but enough for him to stumble on his words and redirect the other men’s concentration from him towards you. Most of the men were unfamiliar, but you tugged the corners of your lips upwards in welcome regardless.

“Ah.” Namjoon brightened as they came to a stop before you. Jimin was just visible between the two men directly in front of you, but unlike his normal cheery self, he wore a look of silent contemplation. It was strange in your eyes that was used to see him upbeat and playful even at inappropriate times, but given the company, all of whom were looking at you with polite interest, you were hardly in a position to ask him about it. “This is our sister, the Princess of Amaryll,” Namjoon introduced you to his company. Gesturing to the man who caught your attention, the one he was conversing with, Namjoon continued, “Y/n, this is the Crown Prince of Delphina, Kim Taehyung.”

I’ve loved Breath of the Wild so much. Zelda is best girl. Link is my fave nature photographer/chef. (Give Link the fish husband he deserves.) They both deserve a happy ending, so here’s my version. May or may not be slightly canon divergent.

Being the hero of legend has never suited Link.

Or, well, maybe it has. He took on the duty stoically, never complaining or bowing to cowardice and fear. Through sheer grit, he managed to bring Hyrule back from the brink, even if it took a second chance for him to succeed.

But while he understood the importance of his role, it’s not the life he would have chosen. Zelda has always known this, even when her own jealousy and bitterness clouded her judgment of his character.

Under his strong and unflappable exterior, Link had only ever been a soft and sensitive young man, far more fascinated by the fawns grazing in an open field and the gentle glow of an evening sunset than he’d ever been by perilous adventures. Perhaps he’d been a little reckless, a little too curious for his own good, but he’d never asked for such a heavy responsibility.

Which is why she can’t say she’s surprised by his answer when she asks him if he has any idea what he wants to do now.

They’re sitting together in a grassy field, taking in the final warm rays of mid afternoon sun. Link’s loyal white mare grazes beside them. Hyrule is at peace for the first time in more than a century, and all they have is time.

Link takes a moment to ponder her question, a flush rising up his neck, before quietly admitting that he does.

Zelda’s eyes widen, curious for details. Link still prefers to speak as little as possible, but it only takes a bit of prodding from her to learn that he has accumulated a long list of aspirations on his adventures. He wants to complete the Hyrule Compendium, try out the many fishing spots he’d marked on his map, adopt a dog, beat the Gerudos at sand surfing, share his cooking expertise with the Zora children, make a fancy bridal for his horse, maybe even buy his own house.

But even the innocent excitement on his face isn’t enough to explain the flush high in his cheeks or the unmistakable sparkle in his eyes.

Zelda bites her lip.

“There wouldn’t happen to be anyone out there waiting for you?”

The way Link glances away and tugs shyly on his ponytail is answer enough.

Zelda’s smile softens. It would be a lie to say she didn’t want Link here with her, but she couldn’t keep him caged at her side either. 

She reaches out, placing her hand over Link’s. He glances up at her, eyebrows pinched together curiously.

“I’m happy for you. Thank you for all you’ve done for me. For this land. For everyone.”

Link blinks at her, his eyes misty, before stuttering out that of course this doesn’t mean he plans on going anywhere now. He will stay with her as long as she needs him. These are all just silly little goals. Nothing that means abandoning his duty.

And Zelda knows it’s true. Her poor, selfless hero. He’d die by her side if she asked it of him, without a second thought.

He already has.

But she only shakes her head, letting out a soft laugh. She may never be free of her birthright, but Link has surely fulfilled his.

“Go. I’ll be fine here. Hyrule is safe. If I need you, I know you’ll never be too far away.”

Link opens his mouth to protest, but Zelda quiets him, craning her neck to place a soft kiss on his forehead.

“Just promise me you won’t forget to write,” she whispers, lips tilting up into a smile.

Months pass by in a rush. Zelda is left preoccupied with rebuilding her kingdom, a task far greater than any one person could possibly manage. She’s almost too busy to miss Link.

Almost. 

Ruling a kingdom can be rather lonely, especially when all your friends and family have long since passed.

Yet, she’s not really alone. Link keeps his promise, loyal and dependable as he’s ever been. His letters arrive every week without question.

They’re usually short, just a few lines of anything interesting he has found in his travels, but Zelda treasures them with all her heart.

While at first his letters arrive from all over Hyrule, it isn’t long before she notices his travels becoming more and more limited. Increasingly, all of his stories are of the antics he’s experienced in the Zora Domain. Nor does it take her long to notice how one character sticks out more than all the others:

Sidon, Mipha’s younger brother. Zelda had met him once, when he was still a young little guppy running circles around Mipha’s ankles. Though she never asks, it is no stretch to imagine he’s the ‘someone’ Link had grown so flustered over, with how fondly he writes of him.

From how Link describes him, he sounds nothing like his deceased older sister. But Link seems drawn to him all the same, just as he had been to the Zora Princess. Zelda learned long ago not to distrust Link’s judgement.

Link invites her to visit the Zora’s Domain many times, but it’s nearly a full year before she can find time to fit in such a long excursion.

She sets off with perhaps a little more hop in her step than usual. The journey to Zora’s domain is long and arduous, but she’s no stranger to travel, and it’s nice to take a break, see the world again for a change.

The sun is bright overhead when the sweeping towers of Zora’s Domain begin to appear in the distance. Zelda smiles to herself and pats her stallion’s neck, urging him on.

She leaves her guard at the city entrance, nodding to the Zora soldiers as she walks by. A small pack of curious Zora children stare at her in awe from a distance, too nervous to come greet her. She smiles at them and offers a friendly wave, which causes them to giggle shyly and scurry away.

A statue of Mipha stands in the center of the courtyard, dutifully watching over everyone there. Zelda pauses to stare up at the likeness of her old friend. 

Mipha had been kind and selfless, never uttering a word of complaint in all the time Zelda had known her.

She had loved Link. Zelda could never have been blind enough to miss that. Whether Link had returned those feelings, she could never be sure. Her knight was much less forward with his emotions back then. Now, it matters not.

With a sigh, she places a hand on the base Mipha’s statue, tilting her head up to stare at her friend’s gentle face. She misses the champions, misses the world that died a hundred years ago with them. Sometimes surviving can be incredibly lonely.

A high-pitched wave of laughter breaks her from her reverie. She whips around, face softening instantly when she spots Link on the level above her. He’s laughing loudly, hanging from the shoulders of a Zora more than twice his size. The Zora holds what appears to be a squirming frog in his hands, staring down at it in wonder.

Link leans over the Zora’s shoulders, holding the Sheikah Slate in front of him in an attempt to get a good picture, only for the crafty frog to wiggle free at the last second.

Zelda laughs aloud at that, feeling a surge of fondness well up in her chest. Link looks so at ease here, more carefree than she’s ever seen him. It makes some of the pressure on her own shoulders fall away as well.

Link must have heard her laughter, because he glances down in her direction, mouth half open. She barely has time to lift her arm in greeting before he’s leaping from the stairs, gliding toward her with a wide grin on his face.

Zelda shrieks in a way that is quite undignified for a monarch as Link tackles her into a warm embrace. She returns it desperately, feeling her eyes welling with tears. She’s missed him, more than she can admit.

“It’s so good to see you, old friend,” she whispers, digging her hands into his shirt. He sweeps her off her feet to spin her around, the broad grin on his face echoing her sentiment.

“Greetings!” A loud voice booms, right as Link sets Zelda gently back on her feet.

The Zora whom Link had been hanging off moments before is already hovering over her, smiling excitedly.

“You must be Queen Zelda! I am Prince Sidon! It is wonderful to finally meet you! Link has told me so much about you, and of course, I have grown up learning of the heroic and beautiful princess of Hyrule. I am so excited to get to know you more! Welcome to Zora’s Domain!”

Zelda blinks up at the large Zora, a little taken off guard by how forward he is when compared to his generally quiet and timid older sister.

Still, she returns his enthusiasm with a warm smile. “It is a pleasure to meet you, Prince Sidon. I’ve heard much about you, as well,” she says, not without sneaking Link a knowing glance.

Link flushes, but Sidon only beams.

“You have? Only good things, I hope.”

Zelda crosses her arms, tilting her head to the side playfully. “Well, Mipha did tell me you were a rebellious child. You once dyed her scales blue in her sleep.”

Sidon blinks at her, before throwing his head back with laughter.

“I can’t deny that,” he admits. “Though I’m afraid my duties have taken up much of the time I used to have for pranking my family members.”

Link snorts and Sidon spares him a mischievous smile.

“Mostly.”

There’s a story there, but Zelda finds herself more intrigued by the way Link and Sidon are looking at each other. It makes her chest feel warm.

“But where are my manners?” Sidon says suddenly, throwing his hands up. “My father is eager to meet with you! We will take you there, if that’s okay.”

He takes Link’s hand, seemingly without thinking anything of it. It’s Link who turns around and beckons her to follow, expression a bit sheepish.

Zelda only offers a knowing grin.

“Lead the way.”

All the sorrys

I am a wife. Some days a good wife, some days a bad wife, but always a wife. It seems lately that I'm more often a bad wife. I have anxiety and depression. Maybe I should have started with that. I start and end every day wondering about what might go wrong and blaming myself for hypotheticals. I feel like I am too much. I feel like I am not enough. I can't handle people being mad at me mostly because I am always mad at myself and the only acceptance I get comes from people who don't know the chaos in my head. Which is everyone. Including my wife. She tries to understand, and I love her for that. There's just so much that I can't make her understand. There's so much that I don't even understand. My wife has anger issues. For damn good reasons that I won't explain without her permission, and she hasn't read this yet so I don't have her permission. Her anger issues take a heavy toll on me. They take a heavier toll on her. We're working on it. She's in therapy, taking meds, trying. I'll be going that route soon as well. I'm terrified. Anxiety and depression are things I've struggled with most of my life. The first time I got professional help for my damaged psyche I was only 10 years old. I had some medical problems, I was bullied quite a bit, my parents' marriage was falling apart. I was on anti-depressants by age 13. My parents divorced when I was 15 and I started getting better. I chalked it up to being stuck in the middle of their tumultuous relationship and moved on. High school was good. College, not so much. Got a decent job as a receptionist in a doctors' office. Developed an affinity for opiates. And narcotics. And psychedelics. Maybe I should explain a little more. My parents met as young, wild kids. My mom was 19, my dad 22. My mom grew up, my dad never did. I think that forced her to overcompensate a bit. What my dad really needed was a mother. His died when he was 14, and as the youngest of 8 children, his older sisters became his surrogate mothers. They took care of him and he never had to grow up. He has always been more concerned with being the toughest, the biggest, the baddest. Constantly needing to "1-up" everyone, he always acts as though he has something to prove. When he and my mom got married, she had to be the one who took care of him. He continued his carefree lifestyle. She became the nagging wife. "The bills need paid, the house needs cleaned, take off your greasy work clothes before you get into bed." These traits enhanced in them over the years. My father, the irresponsible and unreliable man-child. My mother, the over-anxious and nagging perfectionist. I tell you all this so you understand, they had flaws. They are real and imperfect and I love them for everything they tried to be for me, even when they failed. I understand that they have their own shortcomings which shaped who they've become and who I've become. After my parents divorced, I got some normalcy. There was no more constant screaming, no more hiding in my room with the music as high as it would go, no more struggling to sleep at night trying not to hear my dad telling my mom she needed to "fulfill her wifely duties" while she begged him to take off his greasy work clothes (he was a welder and a mechanic) and just please take a shower, she just washed the damn sheets. I started smoking weed around the time I stopped my anti-depressants. I'm not sure which of those things happened first. It leveled me out. It made me happy. My closest friends did it too, and we did it a lot. All through high school and some years after. I smoked weed for about 8 years before I touched any other drug. I quit when I started at a job that did random drug testing. It was a good job and I had my own money for the first time and I didn't want to fuck that up. After one very shitty relationship, men and women came and went frequently in my life. So did some friends. So did some normal life stress. But normal life stress was something that I never really learned how to handle properly. If I couldn't get rid of it, I had to block it out. I started getting panic attacks. Then, I started buying Valium from an old guy that hung out at one of the local bars my dad frequented. He just walked up to me one night with this little cellophane wrapper from a cigarette pack that was full of tiny blue pills. They were soft and powdery and a little sweet when you let them dissolve in your mouth. I don't remember why I took them that first time. I don't remember being hesitant at all. Maybe it was because I knew what Valium was and already had experience being medicated. "Yes, old stranger who pisses himself on bar stools, I will try these pills you're offering me." I came back when I need more. And more. One day, he had something new. "I don't have the Valium this week, but this will do the trick." I took the little white pills without knowing what they were. If I didn't like them I could always sell them. I looked them up when I got home. Morphine. I had been in the hospital before. I knew what morphine was. Yes, please. During this time, I had a friend who was going through an addiction to oxy contin. I knew how to grind a pill and snort it through a rolled dollar bill. I tried it. And what a difference it made. Instant gratification. I had no regrets. Yet. The Valium came back and I started buying both, the blue and the white. Blow the morphine, tongue the Valium. Repeat as needed. I started going to bars by myself. I pushed my friends away because I just preferred to be alone. I didn't know why. I still don't. Maybe it was the drugs, maybe it was the anxiety or the depression, maybe it was a little of all of it. I made new friends. Superficial friends. I could tell them what I wanted to tell them and they didn't care enough to push past that. They took me at face value and I liked that. I didn't have to be anything with people like that. Unfortunately, most of them were not upstanding citizens. They introduced me to more new friends. They introduced me to new drugs. Coke, molly, Opana, oxy-pretty-much-anything, LSD, shrooms, ecstasy, crack, heroin. Sometimes, I just wanted to feel nothing. Sometimes, I just wanted to feel anything. I got myself into some pretty bad situations. There was a time in my life when I knew, I was certain, that what I was doing was going to kill me. I woke up in places I didn't recognize, with people I didn't remember. I regret so much. I have so much self-hate for this part of my life. It finally ended November 17th 2014. A "friend" that I was frequently using with robbed me. I was house sitting for my mom and step-dad while they were out of town. She stayed with me overnight one night. Stole from me, stole from my mom. The worst part was that she emptied my mom's jewelry box which held an old family heirloom. I brought this into my life. My choices, my actions led to this. I hated this junkie piece of shit who called me her best friend and then betrayed me and I realized how close I was to becoming that. I knew I had to change. I went with the Sick-Boy method, more or less. And after a week of being sicker than I know how to describe, I was clean. Then, November 29th 2014, I met Cassie. She was honest, brutally, and that was new for me. She was cute and shy and didn't judge me when I told her of my history with drugs. She had dark secrets too. We met in person December 10th 2014. I fell harder and faster than I thought was possible. At the start, we both professed to not wanting a serious relationship. Three months later, I moved in with her. Just six months after that, we were married. We had our ups and downs. Cassie was honest about her anger issues from the gate, but they came out in full force over time. We always worked through it. We talked, we supported each other. We love each other, we're a team. I don't know where I would be without her. I tried to get away from drugs multiple times before that last attempt. I can't imagine what filthy gutter I would have returned to if she hadn't found me. As life took its toll, my issues came out in full force as well. As our bills piled higher, so did my anxiety. As the hole we were in got deeper, so did my depression. For people who have never struggled with depression or anxiety, it's hard to make them fully realize the extent of it, especially if it's "high-functioning." You can have good days when it's easy to hold your head up and paste on a smile. But you still have days when you cry for hours for no reason, when you can't find the energy to shower for a week at a time, when everything around you makes you feel afraid and overwhelmed. It is damn near impossible for me to focus on anything outside of the chaos in my head some days. Lately, most days. Cassie's patience is growing thinner by the day and so is my self control. My mood swings are getting worse by the minute it seems. My empathy is drowning. I'm having panic attacks more often than ever before, but for some reason they're less severe...it's like suffocating with a smile, I can keep it in my own head. Which is good and bad, I guess. It feels like a vast improvement from the hyperventilating-tunnel-vision-oh-god-the-walls-are-closing-in-I'm-going-to-die panic attacks I used to have. But, when no one sees them, no one knows they're happening. And it feels awkward and attention-seeking to just zone out for a minute and then say "hey that was a panic attack I had just now, fyi." The biggest problem, for me, is that these issues make me selfish. The shit in my head is just so overwhelmingly too much that it's so hard to care about anything else. When you feel afraid all the time, when you're busy berating yourself constantly for every mistake you've ever made, when you're struggling to keep the tears from your eyes all day long, it's so hard to worry about anything else. This is what makes me a bad wife. I'm finding it so hard to be the person my wife needs me to be because I feel as though I'm barely a person at all right now. Every time she gets upset with me about something, I think to myself, "eventually she will realize that I am not good and she will hate me as much as I hate myself and then she'll be free of me and happy and she deserves better than me and I don't deserve her at all and I can't understand why she still loves me." When she gets angry, I don't think "what can I do to help," like I used to. No. Now, when she gets angry, or sad, or frustrated, I think to myself, "She wouldn't feel this way if it weren't for me." Instead of focusing on how to fix my marriage I am just obsessing about how broken it is. How broken I am. I am full of shame and regret and self-loathing, and even though I hate myself I am all I can think about. She DOES deserve better. Tomorrow, when the weekend is over, I am going to get help. I hope it's not too late to make myself better and be the wife she deserves.