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Lose You

Pairing: platonic!Josh Dun x Reader

Warnings: All appropriate warnings are tagged to avoid spoilers in the format tw; trigger

Word Count: 1620

Request: At the end to avoid spoilers!

Author’s Note: I just want to give you all a fair warning that most of the upcoming Josh posts are very angsty, though there are a few fluffy ones thrown into the mix :) I hope you enjoy this one! (picture credit)

Tyler: have you heard from josh today?

You stared blankly at the message for a moment, running over every text and direct message you had received over the course of the day. It wasn’t unusual for you and Josh to go a few days without talking to one another - between your teaching and his music, it could be hard to find time - but the fact that Tyler was messaging you didn’t sit quite right. After double checking that your memory was correct, you texted him back.

Y/N: last time i heard from him was yesterday morning, but it was just one message. silence since then

Tyler: shoot, i thought he must have been with you

A shiver ran along the length of your spine as you typed out another message.

Y/N: is everything ok?

Tyler: he was supposed to be at the studio an hour ago and nobody has heard from him

You were on your feet as soon as you finished reading the message, gathering up your keys and a jacket and figuring out where you had left your shoes. Josh never skipped studio time unless it was really important or really serious. That, on top of the fact that he wasn’t answering messages, put a bad taste in your mouth.

You finally texted Tyler back once you were down the stairs of your apartment building and walking across the parking lot to your car. Your fingers were moving almost as fast as your feet.

Y/N: i’m going to see him, i’ll check in with you soon

Tyler: i don’t think that’s a good idea

You rolled your eyes and opened your car door, tossing your phone into the passenger seat. What was your other option? Sit around while Josh potentially needed somebody to be there for him?

At least you were doing something to help rather than just sitting around at the studio.

You checked your phone one more time before getting out of the car, just to make sure Josh hadn’t suddenly texted and let you know you were overreacting. The only messages were from Tyler, sent a few minutes ago.

Tyler: y/n?

Tyler: i just wanted to know if you had heard from him. i’m sure he’s fine, i didn’t mean to worry you.

“Too late for that,” you scoffed as you slid your phone into your pocket. Your car keys jingled as you pulled them out of the ignition.

Loud music was audible as you walked up the front steps of Josh’s house. You took that as a good sign, at least he was home if nothing else. Now you just had to figure out if he would talk to you about why he hadn’t gone to the studio.

Y/N: front door

It wasn’t uncommon for him to not hear you knocking when he was playing music or practicing the drums, so you had gotten into the habit of texting him when you came over. It worked nine times out of ten.

The music suddenly became too quiet for you to hear and before you knew it, the front door was swinging open. You couldn’t help the frown on your face as you finally got a glimpse of Josh. His brightly colored hair was messy and unwashed where you could see it sticking out from under the hood of his sweatshirt. The sweatshirt itself was too big, practically swallowing him up. All of this paled in comparison to his swollen eyes and the deep bags beneath them.

“What are you doing here?” he asked. His voice was hoarse.

“Do you really need to ask that?”

He sighed and stepped to the side, giving you enough room to come inside. While you kicked off your shoes, he shut and locked the front door once again.

“Why didn’t you call me?” you asked as you made yourself comfortable on the couch. “And what’s going on with you?”

Josh sat back down in a pile of blankets that it looked like he hadn’t moved from in a few days. It was already perfectly molded to the shape of his body, making it easy for him to get comfortable again. He avoided your eyes as he answered your question.

“Addy broke up with me,” he said. There was no emotion in his voice. “Said it wasn’t going to work.”

“Oh, Josh,” you frowned, standing up and moving to the other couch to be closer to him. He leaned into you. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine. I’m over it.”

You had never heard someone sound less “over it”.

“How long ago did it happen?”

“Couple days.”

“Why didn’t you call me? I would have come over here in a heartbeat.”

“I didn’t want to bother you.”

“Josh,” you sighed. His breathing started to get uneven, so you rubbed his shoulder to calm him back down. “You’re never a bother. Breakups are hard and, just like every other one, I want to be here for you. You know the drill, we order your favorite food, watch some X-Files, and inevitably end up falling asleep together on the couch.”

He shook his head, “This time was different.”

“Why?”

“It just was.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“I can’t.”

Josh’s voice broke on the last syllable. You fully wrapped your arms around him and pulled him closer, rubbing your hand up and down his back. His whole body was shaking as he cried, but you just held him and tried to keep him as calm as you could. He had never been this upset by a breakup before. Or at least, not in a long time.

How could Tyler have possibly thought it was a bad idea for you to be here?

Josh mumbled something into your shoulder, but it was too muffled for you to hear. When you asked him to repeat it, he turned so that you would actually be able to understand what he was saying. Still, it was barely more than a whisper.

“I cheated on her, Y/N.”

It took you a second to process what he had just said. Even then, you couldn’t believe it. Josh - the sweetest boy you knew, the only one who had been there for you through everything, your best friend - had cheated? He couldn’t be serious.

You pushed Josh away from you and stood, somehow managing to stay steady on your shaking legs. He was looking up at you, his eyes brimmed with tears. He looked so hurt, so innocent, but a bad taste still filled your mouth when you thought about what he had said.

“Tell me you’re lying,” you said, your own voice shaking now. “Tell me it’s a joke.”

“I wish I could, Y/N. More than anything, I wish I could.”

“What the hell, Josh?”

“It was a lapse in judgement, I swear. I wish I could take the entire thing back. She invited me over for lunch and I didn’t think anything of it and then I was there and one thing led to another…”

“Addy loved you more than anything,” you said. You barely knew the girl, but you were ready to defend her to the ends of the Earth.

“You think I don’t know that?” Josh yelled. You recoiled; he never raised his voice at you. “Sorry. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have raised my voice.”

“I can’t believe you.” You hastily wiped away a tear with the back of your hand. “You’re sick.”

“No, please,” he said, grabbing onto your arm. “I can’t lose you too.”

You pulled your arm away, ignoring his plea. “That’s why you didn’t call me, isn’t it? Because you wanted to run away from the reality of what you did.”

“Just let me explain.”

“And Tyler knew, didn’t he? That’s why he didn’t want me to come!” you buried your face in your hands. “It all makes sense now.”

“Y/N-”

“What?” you snapped.

“I wasn’t trying to hide anything from you. I feel awful about what I did and I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to forgive myself. The reason Addy found out is because I told her. This isn’t some big thing that I’m trying to cover up, I just needed to find the right way to tell you.”

“You cheated, Josh, that’s the bottom line. You had two choices and you decided to cheat. I’m glad you fessed up, but it doesn’t mean you’re suddenly forgiven.”

There was a pause. Josh was avoiding looking at you. You, meanwhile, were so upset that you could feel your hands trembling. For a moment, you thought he wasn’t going to say anything.

“So you’re not going to forgive me?” he asked. His voice was quiet again.

“Not right now.”

“But eventually?”

You took a deep breath, thinking over your next words carefully. Was this enough to end a long standing friendship over?

“I don’t know.”

Josh nodded. “I can respect that.”

“I’m going to go now. I’m glad you’re safe.”

You walked out of the room and gathered your things in record time. Your heart was still pounding as you laced up your shoes and dug your keys out of your sweatshirt pocket. Just as you opened the front door, Josh called out to you.

“Y/N?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for checking on me. I appreciate it.”

“You’re welcome.”

You stepped out onto the walkway and shut the door behind you. As soon as the lock clicked, you took a moment to breathe in and let yourself feel everything that you had been keeping carefully bottled up while you talked to Josh. It felt like your heart was being pulled in all directions.

This was not going to be an easy decision.

Request: Hi I don't know if asks are still open but if they are could you do a Josh Dun x reader where the readers there every time Josh goes through a break up to like comfort him and stuff but then he cheated on his ex and the reader gets pissed and it's just angst (ok thanks bye🖤) -@that-one-sad-theater-kid​ 

Venting

I’m only writing here to vent. Do not take action against anyone  that may be mentioned in this “diary” of sorts (if this happens to be public due to facebook being glitchy today...).I know you won’t read this. I’m sort of glad that you can’t. I spent a large portion of my life trying to bring others up at the cost of my own self-worth, happiness, energy, money and time. You can waste my money and energy, I can get more. But please do not waste my time. I can never get time back, no matter how hard I try. I cannot make more time. I can try by living more healthy, but one day it will come to and end.I know you won’t read this. I kind of want you to. I want you to know how much it hurt me to be betrayed by the two most important people in my life. People I’ve spent years getting to know. Four years and three years respectively. For these years I sacrificed a lot of myself, relationships with my other friends and family. I sabotaged old relationships because you felt threatened and I would do anything to keep you by my side. I know you won’t read this. But I wish you would come back to see this some day when I’m gone. How badly I wish to tell you that I hated myself. After every break up attempt you made; I was always to blame. I was too clingy one week and the next too distant. I began to change myself to what you wanted. In doing so, I have lost myself. I’m lost, wandering through life right now trying to rebuild these pieces of me that once existed. I let you control who I was; I was just clay to you to sculpt and shape into what you wanted. You were not in love with me, but the idea of what I would become because of my loyalty.I know you won’t read this. I so badly want to tell you how I feel. I so badly want you to know how happy I was that we were all friends. I believed everything would be dandy after I introduced the two of you. We made plans to move in altogether, to love each other. Promises were made, ideas hatched. I truly thought this was how my life would plan out perfectly. You won’t read this. There’s no way you’ll turn back and ever care for me after what you did. I remember in October, you dumped me. We spent days apart in a depression and you talked to her behind my back. You let her drive a wedge between us. Though we both fought for each other, she seduced you. I saw the messages, I saw the photos that were sent. I saw everything before my eyes when you weren’t looking. I didn’t know at the time, but I do now know. I know your plans to move here were not for me, or for your love of this place. They were plans to hook up with my best friend. In November, when you announced this to my family, and faked your happiness with me, I could tell something was wrong. You never said you moved here to be with me, you would dodge that question as much as I would let you. I wish I wasn’t so stupid and oblivious.You won’t see this. I may have deleted it by the time you have forgiven me for the lies that you made up. You manipulated me into spending hundreds of dollars on the two of you. I was pushed away from my friends and family because you told me they would only hurt me. You told me they wouldn’t care. I became so antisocial, I was still changing in your hands as you molded me into the submissive state you wanted. I remember looking at you with doll eyes in November as you forced me to give you my all. I gave away myself to you and I cried. I cried the entire time because it was not loving or romantic. It wasn’t sensual or kind. You just wanted the pleasure of ripping my last piece of innocence from me and destroying my mind.But congratulations, you took everything from me. You made me build walls so high I couldn’t see anyone else over them. You became jealous and vindictive whenever a male would say hi to me. Even while I was at work, you thought every male was trying to steal me from you. Look at me, not even you would take me away from somebody and you’ve told me. You’ve told me I wasn’t attractive enough. I didn’t have the breasts you wanted, the face you wanted. You loved when my hair was parted a certain way, when I dressed how you liked, and acted as you wanted. I was so brainwashed that I believed that was you showing me you loved me. But you didn’t, I don’t think you ever did. You loved the idea of what I could become because of you.You won’t see this. You have no use to come and see this. You’ve lived this story, why would you want to re-live it through words on a screen. My words meant everything and I tried so hard to be romantic and remind you that I loved you, I appreciated you, I wanted you for the rest of my life. No matter how much I gave, you were silent and stubborn. I remember sometimes you would never even say that you loved me back. Some days you just hung up on me without a goodbye. I felt so empty, but because I loved you I believed that you were just tired or someone walked in. You won’t see this. You don’t need to see this. This is your story, you know it all. But I’m only just now putting pieces together. You would let her sit between us. You would hold her hand or hug her longer. I was blinded by rose-tinted glasses. I thought it was friendly and nothing more. I wish I had known. I wish I had left her out of my life the first time she manipulated me. But I’m too forgiving. I let her strut back in, only wanting approval and friendship. I wish I listened to everyone else who knew her. I wish I believed the stories that made their ways to my ears or on my screen. I only wish I could change time.You won’t see this. You don’t want to see this. You want nothing to do with me. I so badly wanted to talk and make things work. I was pushed away and forgotten in an instant.  I was left alone in the dark that night, wondering why you were doing this.You visited before. And I remember how open and honest we were. We would exchange phones and let the other text on them and read messages. I remember feeling like everything was on our sleeves. But then you became defensive. When I wanted to see or no, you hid. You would yell at me for being nosy, you even hit me. I remember what it felt like to be slapped across the face. How tears welled up and you told me not to “fucking cry.” I choked them down and tried to hug you for comfort. You were unloving and became “tired.” You said you were going to where you were staying. But instead you went to her house. Who knows what you two did over there or what you told her parents. It truly disgusts me to think about.I remember how willing you were to abandon a poor kitten somewhere. You wouldn’t give her the time of day and didn’t even care for her properly. I now see that it was a reflection of me. You always told me that she was like me, that we would be best friends. After seeing how easily you could give her up and walk away, I realised you could do the same to me. You did. I remember confiding to her, the girl with pink hair, and wishing I could change things. I told her so much that she went behind my back and told you. That day you left. I’ll never forget it. I remember being at the beach and pool with you. All you wanted was to be with her. You sat together, talked and walked away from me more. You eyed her up and down. She put her mouth on your body. You touched her inappropriately and I kept my mouth shut out of fear of angering you. After they went home and it was you and me, I wanted to voice my concerns. I wanted you to know how uncomfortable and scared I was. You wouldn’t let me talk. You were too tired. I kept my mouth shut out of fear of angering you and when I opened it; I angered you. You yelled at me and sped off towards the hotel you were staying at for the final night.I remember the aftermath. The yelling through text. The instant blocking, texting parents, and being so frightened. I remember being threatened and told I wasn’t good enough, I was worthless, I was nothing compared to her. I wish I could forget, but the thoughts cloud my mind. The what-ifs begin, the should-haves argue back, the constant “could be” still beckons my mind if I could just change everything. I admit, I was depressed for a few days and cried. I hurt so badly I almost thought I would end myself. I wrote a note to you and my parents, because I was so tired of it all. I was so sick in the head because you made me this way. You’ll never read this. Maybe one day I can write this story. The story of romance, friendship, heartbreak, betrayal, and growing up. I’ll never mention you, I can’t give you the benefit of having your name known to the world. I couldn’t live with your over-sized ego for popularity, even for negative story-telling. I am not mad or sad anymore. I no longer have a pent up rage or any resentment. I say I don’t care what happens to you both. But I do care. I care for you more because I thought we had a connection when in reality it was only manipulation. I still love you and you’re on my mind. I want only the best for you, but that isn’t what you wanted for me. You wanted me to give up my dreams just to lay down and spread my legs every second you demanded. I’m glad I didn’t. My heart is heavy, but my mind is free. I will never forgive either of you for what is done. I don’t even think I could maintain a friendship with your type. I only wanted to talk, but instead you ignored everything and walked away. I could never take you back, I don’t want to take you back. I took you back everytime you tried to abandon me - and I think it’s because you saw that without me, no one was really there. Your friends moved away, parents working all the time, no one would get on xbox, and ore. The world began to ignore you and it opened your eyes that you needed me. You needed me because you wanted the reassurance that someone cared for you in so many ways. Now you have that in someone else. And she can open her legs every time you command because that is what she does. I am tired of being afraid to walk out my front door out of fear you’ll be waiting to hurt me or yell at me some more. I went to the mall without you today and was so paranoid. I was alone and paranoid. Constantly looking over my shoulder, praying I wouldn’t see you hunting me down with those demon eyes. I’m scared when I see your car drive by my house so slowly; watching to see if I am home. I’m living in fear. The constant fear that somehow you’ll get me alone and push me into the “dark corner” you threatened me with. I want to be free. I want you gone so I can walk to the store without fear that you’re there in the shadows watching my every move.I don’t want you to read this. I don’t want you to see how much better I am doing without you. I want what’s best for me now. I want to focus on my brighter future; brighter than yours might I add. I know that my life has a purpose, it’s too bad I thought that purpose was you for so long. I’m sorry I kept you tied down with my loyalty. I’m sorry that in the end I became more mature and realised that I didn’t want to bow down to you anymore. I’m sorry that my depression and tears drove you away. I’m sorry for being the person I am. Actually, I’m not sorry. I’m not sorry for finally understanding what I want. I’m not sorry that I have life more figured out than you both. I’m not sorry for refusing to do drugs with you. I’m not sorry for standing up for myself. But I am most definitely not sorry to have met you. I don’t regret meeting you. Without you, I couldn’t have matured and realised I was in an abusive relationship. Without you, I wouldn’t have lost myself just to desperately try to get back every piece of me. I would never have realised that I do love and respect who I am, and I only want people who can do the same in my life.