#why would i do that if i didnt think i was going to live here for 10 more years (<- he doesnt know that this is the reality of things)
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TMAGP Live Reaction - Ep 13
This probably won't be a regular thing since I usually listen to the new episodes on my way home from school, but I wanted to do it today and no-one can stop me
Pre-Episode
Aw this dedication is so nice, reminds me of how I used to sign off on social media when I was younger
Pre-Statement
omg samcelia date samcelia date
they're so cute omg
"she also said that you dont know how cute you are" alice dyer youre not fooling anyone
i wanna hear what this interaction sounded like between alice and celia
"nobody, i'm mysterious" this isnt gonna come back to haunt us im sure
omg samcelia dating reveal already
JACKS HER SON OMG
"wild couple of years after i moved here" does this mean that celias way of coping with being dropped in a different universe was to just fuck... iconic
either that or jack got brought along with her and shes just covering it up. or jack has some mysterious origins that we dont know about
omg a horror protagonists with loving, alive parents wow
i was not expecting sam to be this relatable oh no
sam :(
oh no an "incident"
alice :(
i love celia just being "i know we're on a date and thats great and all but what do you think about the Horrors"
ofc you know theyre real you lived through the apocalypse
ah hello lena and gwen
ah gwen is learning about the consequences of delivering a random address to a living mr blobby knockoff
ooh are we gonna get some exposition
yes we are
these are our Fears i presume
you work in the government responsible for discarding peoples experiences and traumas gwen you werent exactly one of the good guys to begin with
guys i dont think shes gonna sort it
Statement
hold music?? hello?? do we recognise this voice?? needles??
i cannot understand what the name of this company is but i do not like them
the autoresponder sounds so cunty who are they i must know
oooh a scottish guy we love a scottish guy
"i pay your wages" sounding ass. telling the autoresponder that youre the highest investor in a gambling app isnt the flex you think it is dude
i think if a website that directly involves the handling of your money does "weird background checks" and has a "janky interface", staying is less of a feat of loyalty and more a feat of stupidity
oh this guy does nfts for sure
are you allowed to blame the warning you didnt listen to for the consequences?
oh his friends suck too
damn all jokes aside i feel bad for this dude
ohhh so is this like the dice where things can only get so good before they go terribly? or is it like a "when your life gets bad your money goes up" thing
ah its the second option
tbf if its not against the law its not against the law
this guy is the definition of "20 pounds is 20 pounds"
suddenly i dont feel as sorry for this guy
i have a sneaking suspicion that this guy did not get his money
oh nevermind
OOOOOOH NEVERMIND THAT NEVERMIND
huh
HUH
DID THEY SEND A CREATURE TO GET HIM WHAT
Post-Statement
Alice!!
Ooooh he got pished
Alice really out here dissing every kind of date I've ever been on
oh no :(
sam no :(
sam apologise please
shes right tho youre in the wrong place if you don't want weird
alice :(
this is why a polycule would fix everything
alice i love you
sam i love you but you deserved that
#tmagp#the magnus protocol#samama khalid#celia ripley#alice dyer#gwendolyn bouchard#lena kelley#tmagp spoilers#tmagp reaction
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going to be trying to fully organize/clean my room soon (maybe) and why's getting rid of stuff so hawrd like what if i really really want to reread thru books i read in middle school someday
#talkys#YKWIM....#also struggling with everything again#like i could get things that wld make living here easier but all i can think of is how that's succumbing to living here forever#ykwim.... like#in my room there's a desk built into the wall. its too low for me#it doesnt bother me actively but i mentioned it and my mom said we COULD rip it out and get a new desk#but in my brain its like. im not going to live here forever. in my mind i leave here Tomorrow every day#why wld i do that to this house i wont be here forever in.#why would i do that if i didnt think i was going to live here for 10 more years (<- he doesnt know that this is the reality of things)#but i feel this way abt everything#i moved homes a lot#my room has never been decorated whats the point#i like the thot of decorating but will likely be hopping in between apartments for the rest of my life...why bother#putting things up if youll have to take em down...
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pls i need to provide updates
#basically yesterday night was chaharshanbe suri . which is a solar new yr tradition where we let go of the past suffering in our year#and like...start the new yr w fresh vigour . anyway so my friend was at the event and we were abt to leap over the fire#and she was like bro im im glad u blocked her (situationship) etc etc . and then. my phone started vibrating. and i look at it. and my f#friend looks at it. and its her. and were both like what the fuck?? i blocked her things r Over and anyway so i pick up the phone and shesl#acting like nothing happened (bc nothing DID happen for her) and she was like ohh ur doing chaharshanbe suri im not doing anything etc what#are ur new yr plans so i jusr .IDK WHY I DID THIS . but ig i didnt wanna come off as like lonely i said probably hanging out w family and#friends maybe reading poetry together . et cetera and she was like wait that sounds so fun why didnt u invite me!#LIKE WDYM YOUVE BEEN CONSISTENTLY MAKING IT CLEAR U DONT WANT TO BE IN MY PRESENCE . and i told her that after#everything i thought she didnt want to see me again and she was like you always think that 😐 . like. ?? ok anyway so she expects me to#invite her . and like. there is an above 0% but sub-5% chance she will actually show up . but the panic that gripped me#i started making calls to my friends asking them if they can come on the 23rd bc there must be an event and also i asked my mother#and she said actually yeah i am doing a thing on the 23rd :D it involves over 16 ppl (we live in a v small flat) of which like...7 are kids#so you wont have space to be in ur own room let alone invite others. which tbh like ...being around a bunch of loud kids doesnt seem fun fo#any of my friends or me etc so i thought maybe i should arrange things so that we all go out together and if she shows up she shows up 🤷♀️#but . im so. WHY DID I SAY THAT . i had to panic-call my research partner and ask him to get from oxf to where i live on the 23rd#and when he heard the explanation he like. the light in his voice disappeared 💀 but he potentially agreed so idk#THE ISSUE IS. 23rd im supposed to also have . a date#w this girl that i had a huge crush on when i was 15-16 (posted abt this b4 but id get shitty black coffee in the mornings just to spend a#few more minuted w her each day and she was the cleverest girl in school and she cared abt nothing but her academics but now shes very gay#scraggly homosexual etc etc shes cute) and YEAH IDK#like id have to go there on the date come back fast meet ppl POTENTIALLY (again under 5%) meet situationship girl#like is that even doable#but the thing is it would be so so so funny bc all of my friends dislike her sooo much#.........what if i invited the girl im supposed to have a date w over to hang out w us#god that would be so hilarious and chaotic . i wont do it tho im a mature person x#but it would be soooo funny#I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT DUE TMRW 12:30PM IT IS 10:49PM RN I HAVENT STARTED IT bc i was rotting sadly in bed#popped a ritalin pill tho so here we go x#i have found myself in a state of such sheer agony and rage and sorrow and grief over this girl that atp i feel like#its just so entertaining . like i feel vaguely over it? ik nothing will come of it so its like just . have fun . vibe
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today in: amatonormativity is fucking insane
i only just realized that months ago my uncle and cousins were so goddamn weird to my (found family) brother and disdainfully calling him "my....friend." bc they thought we were fucking and were trying to be homophobic about it
#my family: we are going to undermine and devalue your romantic relationship#me and my sibling: our WHAT#i was just like 'yeah friends isnt friendship great :)'#i brought this up and he also did not realize thats what they were doing at the time#and mom was just like 'uh yeah i didnt say anything i thought it was obvious sorry'#like. i call him my sibling. my MOM calls him her kid.#all three of us live together as a family unit#why would you possibly think thats a sex thing#what kinda weird ass kink do you think is happening here
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important to understand that my approach to oc design and characterization depends explicitly on how i'm playing that specific game, like. a thing you should know about ilya is that he is the kind of person who will dive into the middle of a large pull ahead of the tank and pop all of his mitigation while screaming because i get distracted and do that. constantly.
... it's the siren's call of the big aoe damage noises, ok.
#mostly im thinking about these things because they're the easy things to think about#i am. very. very. bad. at like deeplore dives lmao#so bad!!!!!!! i'm here for the emotional complexity do Not ask me where this man lives i don't know#... i do know.#once it starts branching out into history and family lore and godforbid fucking cultural lore i am just#so dumb. i'm so dumb i was not designed for worldbuilding even if it's just the world of one weird little guy#v invested in other people's sandboxes because mine is very small and it's also just full of rocks.#anyway.#my partner: BABY MOOOOOOOOODE#me: it's okay my heal is up it'll be FINE#also increasingly play casters like melee dps so everybody gets to suffer that as well#ilya standing directly under a very large guy in his stupid leylines like MANAWARD'S UP IT'S FINE#.... i dont play blm as much now honestly because to contribute i have to be less stupid. and that's not fun.#i really. REALLY enjoy the big melee dps damage noises#they're across the board better than caster noises. so disappointing because in my heart i am On Fire#sam+pal noises are the best noises in the game#SPINNING#i'm thinking too hard about backstories and it's not going well lmao#grabbing this creature by the shoulders and shaking him violently like WHO ARE YOOOOOOOU#concussed probably his brain is just sloshing around in there#babg mode blogging#this is also why he's canonically A Guy Who Touches Things He Shouldn't#because i'm that guy.#i'm the guy who touches things.#this explains sehren also like she would not be who she is if i didnt play dragona age with wild hubris and abandon#.... it wasnt fun unless i was wildly underleveled in places i didnt belong ok#every if mc ive gotten invested in also
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Thinking about current continuity Vanessa and just getting pissed off again
Like one, LET HER REST oh my god dc you ruin her FUCKING life like an asshole only to bring her back as a villain after she finally got out oh my god-
But also like its just so bad. This is a whole other woman with her name like why are we doing this. Like first you kill her mom (JULIA NOOO) and erase her YEARS of history growing up around diana (the thing that actually made her villain turn [if you can call it that w the level of manipulation involved] interesting and fucking heartbreaking) for some shitty "oh I saved you we were friends" run of the mill whatever. Then to use that and say Nessie had a crush on her OWN SISTER (Diana, so like informally adopted, but still 😡) now????
And then they took away her curls and made her a redhead but not even the realistic kind. DC SHE DOESNT LOOK LIKE THAT
It just makes me so mad. Freaking guys. They could have used another name like oh my god. She's not even the first silver swan why the fuck would they do that if they're not going to explore her history w diana (which she no longer has!!!!) or how intensely fucked up everything got for her. What is even the fucking point of this then other to drag a main character of the ww supporting cast through the mud again for genuinely no reason. They could have easily had her be Valerie Beaudry (sorry Val) instead or just MADE UP ANOTHER NAME because it's obvious that no one actually cared about her as a character they just wanted the wondy villain back so like !!!!!!!!!! Why even bother
#her entire treatment just makes me so angry#like in general it makes me mad and sad and a million other emotions#but the fucking robinson version just makes me enraged. beyond pissed off. because theres no fucking reason for it its bullshit and its the#one in current continuity right now. so i get to see tom king ww panels put on my dash that have this stupid fake vanessa and its so#infuriating. like thats NOT her!!!!!!! oh my freaking god people#her hair is BROWN and CURLY and shes dianas BABY SISTER who she lived with for YEARS like she was a MAJOR supporting ww character for the#longest time. like shes got about 100 appearances (just checked) preboot this is not a minor character#so freaking frustrating#blah#ALSO. FUCKING ALSO. THE FACT THAT THE WHOLE CURRENT VANESSA TURNED EVIL BC SHE REALIZED SHE WASNT SPECIAL TO DIANA BS. FUCK YOU THERE LIKE#OH MY GODDDDD “isnt special to diana” im going to fucking kill you. what do you mean she doesnt care about her specially. thats her FUCKING#BABY SISTER. not to sound like vanessa herself a la silver swan but those clowns at dc would never say that shit about cassie oh my god#not special my FUCKING ass. nessie and her mom were literally the first people invited to themyscira in post coie continuity#like yes diana trevor and steve trevor and even baby julia kapetelis washing ashore but like the kapetelises (and you could even say just#nessie bc again her mom had been there before) were the FIRST ones invited there like you cannot say diana didnt care about them more than#the average joe dc i fucking despise you.#this girl has been through so much why is dc incapable of throwing her a bone ever. nessie i am so sorry they did that to you sweetie.#gonna tag it bc her tag deserves the traffic#vanessa kapatelis#just makes me so mad#doing all that to the normal teen girl character in a wonder woman comic is so fucked actually like dc comics i should not have to explain#that to you. what message do you think you are sending here be serious
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What does it mean when u have a dream about living skeletons overrunning your neighborhood
#that was weird of my brain#people were dumping water on the skellys to make them go away. good thing is they didnt come into your house#one of my good friends was there. she was going to walk home through the skellys. i would not trust her to do that#her house is a 20 minute drive so imagine walking that through weird living skeletons#idk why the skellys were dangerous tho. they might have been dissappearing people with skeleton magic or something#at one point towards the end i remember thinking “i bet these r gonna show up outside my window and stare at me cuz thats how my dreams go#so i think that means i was lucid dreaming?? cuz thats what happens when u become aware that youre dreaming#the only thing i remember doing after that was bring dissapointed that there wasnt any pie left and then remarking thst the cia was here#to round up the skellys#i mistyped cia as cis the first time. that would've changed the meaning of the sentence lol#i woke up right after that#damn alarms. take me back to skelly land#[insert cool original post tag]
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We won't ever get it, but I think it would've been cool to see an antagonist/client who hates Edgeworth specifically because of what he did as von Karma's student. Like someone whose loved one -- I want to say 'sister' because AA, but I think it'd be pretty cool if it was their father -- was wrongly convicted and given the death sentence because he silenced witnesses or presented faulty evidence or something similar, and there's no fix to it. The case ends with the truth being revealed and ringing hollow, because they don't want revenge, not really; maybe they just want the verdict overturned, but even that doesn't change anything, because the person is gone, and whatever damage could have been done has been done, and they just have to live with it, all of them. I think it'd be interesting to see how Edgeworth and the people around him handle that confrontation -- the idea that you can change and try to fix your mistakes the best you can, but there are some things you'll never be able to atone for. Not really. And you just have to keep living.
#and for phoenix especially the idea that you can love 'monsters' because it wasnt an accident that led to the wrong verdict being handed#it was a choice. a choice edgeworth made just like all the people whose crimes phoenix unveiled in court with triumph and fanfare#because it was justice.#miles edgeworth#phoenix wright#ace attorney#ace attorney phoenix wright#i feel like everyone knows edgeworth's done things to get innocent people convicted but they don't /know/ it you know?#we've never had to look at the effects of that head on and decide for ourselves how guilty or innocent those actions make edgeworth#dgs kind of did something like this with uhh spoilers major spoilers here look away barok and kazuma but theirs is slightly different#spoilers over. i'd like to think the client/rival is really lovely too. they obviously despise edgeworth but it's not like antagonistic#or particularly vengeful simply because there's no point. of course it ends with everyone reaffirming their loyalty to edgeworth#but i think it should feel at least a little lacking.#ofc a story like this wouldnt work any time after aai because edgeworth has come to his own conclusions about this by then#so i think it would have had to been before jfa or during jfa if at all which is why i said would've been nice#though i do think there's something to be found in the idea of him having settled everything and living positively only for this case#to come cleave his life in two. i think there's something to be said about how people who've wronged a person can go on to live happily#while you're left picking up the pieces of a broken life and pushing forwards because you have to. always carrying a pain you're never able#to reconcile. i think that's pretty interesting too#i think it'd be interesting if it was a client and if phoenix didnt know at first that he was going to try and oveturn edgeworth's case#it's only partway he realises and then he gets upset/defensive thinking it's some weird ploy to undermine either of them#but the client is just confused and tells him they came to him because he was good and he can refuse if he wants to.#and you have to choose to continue. to doubt edgeworth. idk i just think it would have been fun
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iggypan
#shut up luci#delete later#i cant keep thinking of alice going to japan for a meeting but deciding to arrive early to do some casual tourist things bc its been so long#since shes done tourist things. anyway this is like the early aughts or late 90s whatever. she goes to the bridge to see all the cool fashio#fashion and maybe take pics like a rude tourist. maybe even check out the shops and buy something cute. and shes like WOAH so many cool styl#styles. heavily inspired by me england i am england i invented punk me personally i did that. and goth. whatever the hell this lolita is#is also clearly inspired by european fashion. and vw's mini crini line.#she just thinks jfash is neat. doesnt rly get all of it but she likes it. its cool. but then as shes taking picture like a rude person#she notices one girl look straight at her and then duck and turn around and speedwalk away. and iggys like oi wait im sorry i'll delete the#picture im sorry miss i didnt mean to be rude! and when she catches up to her shes like ?!?!?! sakura??? why are you dressed like this???#and sakura is like ahhhh i didnt know you would be here. sometimes i dress up when i am not working. it is fun i have some friends who like#to meet up here. yes humans. ahhhh >_< i really didnt mean for u to see me like this..... and iggys like oh its no big deal i dont mind.#i think this whole lolita thing suits u. hahaha remember when i used to dress all punk and gothic and whatnot? what you wear outside of work#is your own business. plus its cute :3 like u :3 hey maybe next time we can dress up together and go clubbing or to a concert. er...#a live as u say. haha lol. and sakura is like mmm perhaps. that might be fun. and then alice is like Right now how do i get to the maid cafe#from here. and sakura is like >_> ok um which one.#i love them
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i saw devs when it came out + then kinda forgot it existed for years but i remember rly liking it so im rewatching now and this might sound kinda dumb but lyndon being played by a woman was genuinely a gender turning point for me like its never commented on or made into a whole deal its just. a cis actress playing a cis guy
#i just appreciate that they cast the best person for the role and then didnt go around changing details later to make her fit into it#they were just like well here's this teenage boy. have fun#and ik it was partly bc they wanted the character to look rly young but didnt want to hire child actors#but smth abt it just clicked for me#honestly i respect even garland more for explicitly saying that the character isnt intended to be trans it was just a casting choice#bc ppl were getting worked up like ugh why didnt they just change his character into a girl called lynda. or make lyndon nonbinary 🙄#like to me thats not the point. gender is already a performance anyway so for someone who performs for a living-#what difference does it make really.#non conformance to gender isnt a trans exclusive thing as well. i think it would be good for more ppl to keep that in mind sometimes#idk if i necessarily identify as trans but id started using he/him pronouns before i first saw devs and smth abt it just made me feel seen#anyway ik in theatre and voice acting theyll often have actresses play male roles but its uncommon in live action tv#so just kinda cool! ok ramble over im gonna go find smth to do w the rest of my morning#.diaries
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#who i was march 24 2022 and who i am now are completely different people. i remember crying in caffe reggio to zay sun and adiba because#my dad was in the hospital and we didnt know why and we werent even there to support him and my mom because we had travelled to nyc that#morning. and the whole trip was overshadowed by this sense of grief and fear and horror at what was unfolding back at home while i was#trying to pretend everything was okay and that i was fine. i never cry in public but i cried on the q train while visiting my coworker who#lives in manhattan and then i sobbed in a xi’an famous foods location in manhattan w my brothers because the cheapest and earliest train#home was that night and i had no idea what to do w myself#and when we got home finally we all knew what the diagnosis was but nobody wanted to say it not even the doctors. i dont think anyone used#the actual word cancer to us for months. they cloaked it in such technical terms so as to make it easier to swallow but it was still like.#an elephant in the room yk? nobody told us the stage either but it was a stage iv glioblastoma and i remember going on r/glioblastoma and#just crying reading all the posts abt how difficult this disease is. most projections were six months to a year and a half. a lot of people#even chose not to get treatment because of the high probability that it would make no difference to the prognosis. i have no idea whether we#made the right choice going w chemo or not honestly. only time will tell i guess. inshaAllah this will prove to have been the right choice#idk what im even trying to say now. i just dont reflect a lot on where i was when this started because it’s… almost too painful. i have#given up so much for my dad at this point and i still feel like it’s not enough but also i’ve been trapped by this sickness and i’ve given#up my life to it and idk how to rebuild myself from here. i need to move on w my life but what if these are the last moments w him and i#take those for granted by not staying home to take care of him and spend time w him. again idk what im trying to say here i just have no#idea how we got to this place. it still feels like some insane fever dream that i will suddenly awaken from#seeing pictures of my dad even from 2021 is the hardest thing. i have no idea what happened to that bright funny charismatic loving man. he#is literally a shell of himself at this point and i hate it. it actually turns my stomach sometimes because it all is so wrong#none of this was supposed to happen he was supposed to retire peacefully somewhere tropical in a couple years not get diagnosed w cancer#journal#illness tw
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💭
#spoke w my friend today#n she told me that i have the terrible tendency of not reaching out#and that she gets worried when she sees im troubled but wont talk to her or anyone#and she wants to extend the same kindness as i do when i listen to her abt her own troubles#and i guess. i realized that. i often generate my own loneliness?#i do all these things and then wonder why i feel lonely and unseen when;;;; my friend is literally right there ;;;;#and when i was going through an extremely tough time she cried with me. and for me. and lent me a home to stay in for literally 3 years#and today she had to remind me again. so i can open up and talk abt whats been bothering me#and ;___;;;; the amount of love she has for me astounds me sometimes#how angry and upset and defensive she'd get on my behalf...#as much as i dont like burdening my loved ones i know they would feel even more burdened if i didnt reach out#because id feel the same way if things were flipped#i rather be burdened than not at all! that's . really. a part of what love is isnt it? sharing the weight of the world. of life#anyway i just got overwhelmed by deep gratitude and love#i dont think ive ever had anyone cry for me and over me and. god ;;;; im just. very happy to have her in my life#if i hadnt asked if i could live with her 3 years ago i really. dont think id be here right now
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Im so tired of acting the way i think some ppl on here think i should act. Im tired of assuming theyre seeing me through the lens my ex provides for them. Im tired of feeling like nothing i say or do matters anyways because people have made up their mind about me and refuse to try to see me in another light. I know who I am and I know what im like and im tired of trying to almost essentially help people see me change my behavior for the better from something i never even was? Because i guess i feel like if i act like most people dont know about the issues between me and my ex that means other people will think im just *pretending nothing is wrong or happening*. It feels like i cant win either way. I cant play pretend as this horrible person whos trying to reform and have people allow me the chance to actually change and recognize that change and i cant also be myself and just know myself without people thinking im just ignoring this thing that isnt even a thing i need to work on or ever even fucking did. Im so tired of feeling convinced that other people are convinced im horrible and having to work from there and having to try to navigate that situation and get someone to see my side of things because ive just come to the conclusion that some people just will refuse to and idk. Theres nothing i can do in this situation. I just know i didnt deserve any of it.
#im like one of the most careful fucking people in the world istg#even before all of this but now especially after this bc im operating under the assumption that ppl see me as if im not#i almost feel brainwashed by what i think others perception of me is like online.#and then i try to go through the steps i think someone who did fo those things would do. or as if i did do those things and what id do#in that situation afterward. but i didnt do those things. and i dont need to live and operate as if i did to prove to other ppl i have the#emotional and mental maturity that i do#i dont need to sit here and let people gaslight me into their perception of me or at least what i think it is#i am such a good stinky lil guy. its people like my ex and the people around them online that brought out all this bitterness in me.#i resent those people so much. and i cant help but feel like theyre all stalking me still all the time. they want me to live like that too#like im in a panopticon. but this is what im saying- if i move on like i know myself and operate as myself the way ik myself#THOSE PEOPLE will come around and then act like im ignoring the situation with my ex and 'trying to escape responsibility'#i dont know why i feel so obedient to their perception. i mean i guess i know why like probably bc of my brother pushing me into a box#and me feeling like i have to stay in there or be abused. i feel the same way with my ex- if i dont act like ive been in the box they put#me in this whole time then they are going to get mad at me and try to come after me more i feel like.#i feel like thats when theyre really going to try to sic their followers or friends after me.#idk but im going to stop. i dont care how you see me. its not real. its not true. it never was. i was abused by this person and thats the#final truth about it. im not saying i couldnt have been reactively abusive sometimes with them but all the things they say i did#that they did to me but say i did but x10 worse? no. fuck off. thats not fucking me. you DONT KNOW ME. YOU HAVENT BEEN AROUND ME#ALL MY LIFE GROWING UP. IF YOU KNEW ME YOU WOULD KNOW ID NEVER DO THAT SHIT. YOU WOULD FUCKING KNOW THAT.#which is why i know you dont know me. none of you do. im tired of operating the way i think you want me to.#im tired of trying to empathize with people i dont want to LIKE my ex or my brother or my sister or my dad#im tired of trying to see things the way they do. how my ex is probably just this dumb scared kid inside who does dumb shit and doesnt#think about the consequences and doesnt care about the consequences of their actions because their only priority is#self preservation. like i dont care. i understand but i dont care. they still hurt me. they still did what they did to me.#they still know they did something wrong otherwise they wouldnt have started this whole smear campaign.#im tired of trying to sympathize with them. give them a million chances to change. do what i can to encourage them to actually have empathy#even towards the people they hurt and like to smear.#because they dont do the same for me. i know. i know theyre still shit talking me. i know they cant stop because if they did theyd have to#have more empathy about me on a whole lot of things they dont want to think about bc they dont want to feel about how they treated me#and continue to treat me by keeping up this narrative abt me online. they dont give a fuck so why am i extending so much to them.
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in my workhating era :/
#i'll never be able to last more than a year anywhere. i just get so tired so fast#i was never going to stay at this job long term but it's only been nine and a half months#with past jobs that i hated it was a slow build but this week i was just SLAMMED with the idontwanttodothis out of nowhere#workposting#oh nanamin we're really in it now#i had an epiphany in the cereal aisle at trader joes. i've been lying to myself for years. or at least not acknowledging the truth#i always thought i was someone who just didnt want things. no dreams no ambitions indifferent about having a career or a family or a goal#that's still true. i dont really care to have those things. but i DO want things. i want to create things#no i NEED to create. it's a compulsion. im funny in the head because the art and the stories cant get out#good art is a moral imperative.#and if what i want is to create then why am i not doing everything in my power to make that happen#which is why i think i need to move back in with my parents. even if its not the ideal sitch my cost of living will drastically decrease#and i can support myself on part time work#and since i have parents who are affluent enough and kind enough to take me back into the family#it would be stupid to NOT use that resource and privilege if the pursuit of art and story is what i really really want#(and it is. i want it so badly more than anything i cant believe FOR YEARS i thought i didnt want.)#but still. the white middle class american in me is telling me im ceding defeat if i go back.#that im a failure if im not maintaining independence post-grad#well guess what. im living that dream babey im a big girl fully independent in the real world. and it SUCKS.#it's lonely out here.#im tired of my job controlling my life. i should be able to attend my sisters graduation and my friends weddings and do so without guilt.#personal
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i Hate being the eldest child.
#im gonna go off on a rant what the eff#NAH CAUSE HHHHHHH#i cannot wait to move out#if my aunties speak to me One more time i will shoot myself#and just now i was tryna get my youngest sister to go to sleep bc god knows why she woke up#and she kept tryna play with her plushie and i was getting tired and annoyed#so i took it from her (ik boohoo im a terrible person) and i said if she didnt sleep i wouldnt give it back#obvi i didnt mean it and I KNOW she could tell i wasnt bc she said 'no you arent' and i was like how do you know ?!!?#and she starts like screaming. throwing a Fit at 2 in the morning#and for god knows why all the aunties are still here and in the living room chatting with the uncles and my dad#and a bunch of the aunties come over and start yelling at me to give it back saying im a terrible brother#and this 'isnt how they would parent their children' and all that bullshit??#LIKE BITCH FIRST OF ALL ITS NOT EVEN MY KID??#and all the while my sisters sitting there - tears on her face - but shes like smugly smiling.#i think it was clear i was pissed off bc my dad comes in saying 'why r u mad at ur aunties? whats wrong w u?' LIKE.????#and they force me to give it back and shes going to sleep soundly and i have to go sit in my room bc im bad kid or whatev#LIKE???!!??@#i was this close to throwing a fit myself bruh.#i cant wait until my sisters get older and realize ive been their parent for the past couple years and older than them#<- so idk why they act like theyre the shit and better than me like bro your personality is from ME !!!!!!! IM THE PROTOTYPE !!!!#and yall know whats the worst part?? IT WAS MY FUCKING PLUSHIE IN THE FIRST PLACE.
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