the cocomelon fandom really didn’t like that post

Regarding your last ask. Turning your anger against random spn bloggers is really not changing the system IMO. There needs to be an open conversation about racism in this fandom, but nothing is gonna change if you alienate everyone who is willing to listen to your righful anger by harassing and guilt tripping them. The We vs. Them mentality is not helping the cause at all.

okay. see..now i feel like you're misinterpreting what I said in that post.

let me reiterate so it's clear: people of colour don't owe white people their forgiveness. we don't owe them our time of the day. we don't owe them any kind of accommodation.

we should definitely be compassionate, because that's something all people should be, but that is not something that should come at the cost of our discomfort or pain.

and in most cases, when we call people out, it is because we're hurt. anger isn't without hurt. that much, you should know.

i do agree that things can spiral very fast and it becomes an us v/s them thing, but, AGAIN, the reason we have to seek other poc and band together IS BECAUSE OF WHITE PEOPLE. LIKE.

the onus of making this situation easier to deal with is 100% on all the white people in the fandom.

i mean, sure, poc could stand to be a little more "easygoing" or less "reactionary" but think critically for one second. why do you think we are like that?? why do you think we get tired so easily!? why do you think we lash out, are so quick to anger??

look around you, man.

I'm used to this kind of conversation and i do it willingly, so my tolerance for white bullshit is very high. which is not and should not be the norm!! there should not be any white bullshit to start with!!! that was the point of the post!

don't say that poc are alienating you. maybe understand that they're lashing out for a reason and try and not take it personally. do better. and if you find yourself wanting to stop this situation from spiralling, and also feel like you have a good grasp of the situation, insert yourself into it and moderate the conversation you are asking for. like. take responsibility. don't get mad at kids on the internet who are tired of seeing people like them get shit on in every imaginable way every time they go online.

like..please don't let that be the takeaway from my post.

i do understand where your frustration is coming from because i also experience it all the time. and the mudslinging is. like. oof. exhausting. but we gain nothing from turning on poc. we gain absolutely nothing!!! yes, there needs to be an open conversation, but i think maybe, there also needs to be a lot of private acknowledgement of problems and conversations at the same time. like if you feel like you cant approach poc, approach the white person you think can help you best. that's all. like. idk how else to say this, but don't blame the righteous anger. definitely not when it comes to this particular situation.

(also there's an intersection to. like. the social media attitude towards what's moral and what's not and that's a whole can of worms i don't wanna touch and that contributes to what you're talking about too but again!!! we need to work on those things but we can't be mad at poc anger that's just not it)

that’s an awful lot of dedication and focus on something you hate… if you don’t like the comic just stop reading it? why shit on people who enjoy it? I’m genuinely asking here cuz yikes

Also you’re making it sound like there’s only one canonical interpretation of the myths. That’s just wrong and short-sighted. Idk maybe find a new hobby lol

Haven't responded to one of these in a while so I'll just take this opportunity to remind you that the block button exists for a reason 🥰.

I think you also need to realize that I'm literally not focusing on LO. I do have a life outside of this account and this account is made not only for fun but because the fandom make it hard to express anything you dislike in this comic without some kind of backlash.

Also, when did I ever imply there's one way to interpret myth? Are you confusing me with anons or are you just willingly misinterpreting anything I or others have said about the comic? Since you're talking to me, it's not "short-sighted" and "wrong" if I've never said that lmao.

I get it, seeing people being critical of something you like must suck. However, that's not my problem.

P.S - I'm not shitting on those who like it, you do you. I shit on those who get mad when other people don't or when people talk about the comic negatively online. Especially if they use "don't like, don't watch" as a response to criticism.

How about you just...don't read my posts or interact if you don't like them? Follow your own advice ^^.

I have seen not long ago a post about "spain's dark side" so...your opinion about that? (I kinda have a feeling of knowing why himaruya came up with that and, if I am right, I am not sure if I like it. It's not that I don't like the dark side thing, but if the reason is what I think, then I don't fancy it)

Great question! Please excuse the length of this response in advance, and if I go off on any tangents. To directly answer your question: I have a horrible feeling that Dark Spain is inspired by the Spanish Black Legend/La leyenda negra, and I don't like that at all. You've really hit on an important topic here, so I'm going to extend this discussion. I call this upcoming piece: Why I don't like Dark Spain and why we, as fans and creators, need to be mindful of how we enjoy our beloved series.

Side note before we begin: I'm going to be talking from a writer's perspective, since this is what I mostly do. My opinion is just that, nothing more. Some will agree with me, others won't, and that's okay. If you're happy with the terms, let's crack on.

Part 1: "Dark" characters I'm not against 2P or "dark" versions of a character if it's required for a particular setting. Let me show you what I mean, using some fic plots I just pulled from my head: Example one: You've got this gritty, fantasy gangster city plot. You use a real city as your location, but the characters are human. Antonio's the leader of a huge criminal organisation and therefore he will do incredibly bad things. It's trigger warnings ahoy. Is this portrayal okay? Sure. (read on before you hit that reply button) Example two: You're writing a horror fic. Antonio's a sexy merman who's more likely to decorate his cave with your entrails, than serenade you on a beach. Is this plot fine? Absolutely. It's dark af, but you're writing sexy merman horror. It kinda’ comes with the territory. Did you see how I wrote "fantasy" and "human" in bold? And did you see that I used Antonio, not Spain? There's a reason. I personally believe in this: When your story uses Hetalia characters in their human form (i.e: Antonio is just Antonio, he does not represent Spain), there's much more freedom and flexibility. I've read many excellent works with darker themes who use real locations alongside human versions of the characters, and do so brilliantly. They're wonderful stories, and they don't cause harm. They're fiction. Fantasy. Fiction. Did I mention fiction? On the flip side: When we are writing the characters as country personifications, who represent the people and the history, we must take proper precaution. The same applies to writing about historical events. (To be continued down below.)

Part 2: Dark Spain

As someone who's been in fandom 10+ years now, my problem with Dark Spain is this: a number of creators back in the old days seemed to agree with my Black Legend theory/concerns, and yet they willingly made content for it. Not everybody did this, but I certainly saw some who thought "wow dark crazy Spain because Inquisition", applied it to certain ships because "ohh angst leads to romance, what a plot" and that is wrong on so many levels. If you know the Spanish Black Legend, then you know how bad this is. It's an incredibly difficult topic because it is, in the simplest sense, massive propaganda designed to seriously damage a country's image. I welcome Spanish input on this, but personally I think using this as some edgy portrayal of Antonio in your fics is insulting. Don't bloody well do it.

(Please note that the fandom is MUCH better now, but it doesn't change the fact it has, and could still happen. I used past tense for a reason, as I do think things are improving.)

Russia is another character which suffers this treatment, and I do think we have a responsibility to be considerate. Many countries have done awful things, mine (the UK) included, and yet our characters have escaped receiving this Dark persona. It's not fair, it really isn't. It's a poor judgment call on Himaruya's behalf if my theory is true. If I'm wrong, then this argument is void. Either way I feel like Himaruya should've specified how and why Dark Spain came about. Part 3: Historical writing

Here's where it gets interesting. I'm not saying "don't write historical hetalia fanfiction", and I never will say it because historical fiction exists. You can go in your local bookshop and boom, people are making real money off it.

I'm not one of those lucky sorts, but I am contributing to that genre myself. Despite lots of magic, fantasy and general artistic license, my story Gatito can be considered historicaI.

It's set in England, 1569. Spain and the Netherlands are two of the main characters, and yes, their conflict is referenced. It coincides with the timeline, and all the while I write them as personifications, I can't pretend that tension between them doesn't exist. If I did, that'd probably be even more insulting to their history, and no doubt confusing for the reader.

The main plot is a daft mash of Arthur misusing his magic, a vile fictional man from Antonio's court who wants his head, and poor Netherlands and Portugal get wrapped up in the drama along the way.

The Dutch conflict is featured, but not the plot. The event is occurring right in the middle of a fictional disaster which Antonio is trying to overcome. It's acknowledged, but it's on the side, to put it simply.

I use human names (Antonio and Abel) and explore that situation from an emotional, human perspective. I do not claim that Abel is a victim, and no one thinks he is either. Personal HC time here: I don't think any of the characters look back at their history and think "wow, poor me". Everyone's made mistakes, and they've all played a role in hurting someone else. My history teacher once told me this: The more you look, the more you see. There's many sides to a story, and even to this day, I doubt historians have truly, faithfully documented events so that it's fair on every nation involved. That's why we need to try and learn history from multiple perspectives, and why when writing hetalia characters during a historical event, we should show the reader as many viewpoints as possible. If you don't, then... well. I frown at you. More on this in part 4.

Part 4: Conclusion/advice

I won't pretend to be a saintly figure in the fandom, and this rant is a bit of a mess, but I hope you get what I'm on about. Thank you if you're still reading.

I'm going to finish with a bit of advice that has helped me have a positive time, and allowed me to create works for a series I really love:

1- If your story is historical, and you purposely want to paint a country in a bad light, think before you do. Don't slander another country for the sake of your comfort character or ship. If your story is set during a battle then yes, they can moan about the opposition, but don’t go hardcore. You know what I mean.

2- Research, research, research.

3- You want to write a particular character. Their human name is unconfirmed, or you don't know a part of their history, but you want to write about it. What should you do? Talk. I had this very dilemma regarding Portugal's surnames, and I just asked Portuguese mutuals on Tumblr for help. I received numerous valid responses in under an hour, and I felt better for it. 10/10 highly recommend.

4- If you've gotta' write Dark Spain: Keep. It. Fictional. If you don't believe my theory behind it, cool, crack on. But if you agree with me, then yeah, I've said it enough. Respect the country.

5- DO explore history. It's fascinating.

6- If you write historical hetalia and you feel that something might be misunderstood: PLEASE USE DISCLAIMERS, END NOTES ETC. I write number 6 from experience. There is a scene in Gatito where a significantly stressed Antonio attempts to summarise the Dutch conflict. He's being blamed for countless fictional issues, and rather than think things through, he blames himself for Abel's pain as well. He does it on a purely emotional basis. Have you ever had that really bad day, and things keep getting worse? Someone comes along and says "you did x y z and I'm mad", and rather than argue your side, you accept it?

That's Antonio in that scene. I know it is, because that's how I intended it to be read. His answer is flawed, to say the least, but in his human heart, he can't help it. I used the end notes as a warning/apology/explanation for this scene. I don't want it to be misinterpreted, and I don't want to disrespect Spanish history.

7- If someone does comment/ask about a sensitive, historical part of your work: don't rant. And don't get offended. I believe we all need to talk more. Have conversations about HCs, how we would write/imagine different scenes, and use it to improve your work.

8- Have fun, and be sensible. Thank you again for reading, I hope this helps to some extent. I know I've thrown my opinion out here, but if you strongly disagree with me, don't @. Move on, embrace what you believe, and everyone's a winner. (This really should've been number 9 on the list haha.)

Light on me Ep 5&6

Okay, I think "Light on me" is becomming my most favorite show of the year so far. I love all the characters because they feel so very real. Each of them portray a different kind of personality and their complexity fascinates me. Tae-Gyeong looks like he's so smart with people but at the same time, he - of course - doesn't know more than people show and tell him. This show does such a great job in showing how much and how less we show of ourselves. They are always at school or at least not at each other's homes. They are always outside, so we don't know more private stuff about them than they say and show. We, as the audience, see them through the filter they put on themselves, the filter we are all putting on ourselves. And I find fascinating how authentic it is. It is not weird, we don't know more. Still, we are curious but just up to a certain extent, then there's a line we don't cross and from which we know, is not necessary to cross. Everyone of us has people around them they only meet in explicity one part of their lives like work or school and "Light on me" shows exactly this kind of group of people. Randomly thrown together, getting along very well but not oversharing and only knowing as much about each other as necessary. Is it even necessary to know our surroundings more than what they are around us? I don't think so. And this realism gets to me and my most favourite shows are the ones which are realistic or contain realistic actions and reactions of characters.

Filters

Da-On

When it comes to filters, Da-On is a pretty interesting character. He obviously hides his other emotions behind a smile and doesn't dare showing his weakness.

"I'm a bit distracted right now, so let's talk later. Pretend you didn't just see that."

He always talks nicely, keeps calm and stays friendly no matter what happens. It's his protection but also his greatest weakness, making himself hide even more and feeling even more lost. Even after rejecting a girl who told him to not treat everyone so nicely because it leads to false hope, he continues smiling shortly after. This obviously hurt him and got him thinking but he doesn't dare showing and sharing it. He has to learn vulnerability doesn't equal weakness. But that's a fight he has to have on his own first because that would mean letting his guard down plus not living up to expectations the outside doesn't really have but he has of himself. It's a false picture he draws and I was that kind of person myself and letting go of this is hard but you are rewarded with more love from your friends, so it's really worth it. But yeah, Da-On puts on a smiling filter and switches topics whenever something sad comes up, like his parents.

"I've never been complimented."

He isn't eager to talk about his parents and doesn't like them very much, but he doesn't seem to realize, he's a bit like them.

He doesn't talk about his inside as well, putting up a smile for the world to see and like him.

Shin-Woo

Shin-Woo is putting a filter onto himself as well. He doesn't hate Tae-Gyeong, more like the other way around. But to protect himself from any possible heartbreak, he choses to push Tae-Gyeong away and makes him hate Shin-Woo. This tells us a lot about him being shy and a loner. He's hardly coming out of his shell and has a hard time expressing his feelings. Not like Da-On, he is easy to read for the audience, but harder to understand for Tae-Gyeong. Unlike Da-On who is easygoing, Shin-Woo expresses his thoughts in other, more subtle ways. He hides himself pretty good, because no one knows anything about him, just like no one knows anything about Tae-Gyeong. They are the real mysteries of the show and that's why they like each other. Both are interested in lifting the veil of the other.

Shin-Woo actually takes a step forward later, making Tae-Gyeong understand him better, since he gave signs Tae-Gyeong somehow misinterpreted.

Touches and affection

Da-On

Da-On definetely likes Tae-Gyeong. He always seeks an excuse to touch him.

Tae-Gyeong is mostly flattered by it and also very confused. Even though he says "I can't just be friends with Da-On" he never touches him back.

The feelings are just one-sided here. Tae-Gyeong obviously sees something going on between them, he can't name, but dooesn't really want to have. I still don't quite know what he meant at the end. Yes, it's about him and Da-On being together or nothing at all but Tae-Gyeong coud've meant them ending up being nothing because he rejects Da-On when it comes to a confession. Tae-Gyeong seems to enjoy Da-On's company not in a romantic way.

Shin-Woo

Shin-Woo and Tae-Gyeong make the most progress here. First, they got closer when they were on the phone in the evening, but greeted each other very awkwardly the next day. This week, the touching becomes more and less overthought.

Tae-Gyeong is the first to touch Shin-Woo at a random, mostly out of rage, but it still counts because physical contact is always a sign no matter in which cotext. It always means some interest, if not romantically, then on a friendship-basis. But with people like Tae-Gyeong and Shin-Woo who are both socially awkward and hardly open up to others, touching is a big deal. Like I said, Tae-Gyeong doesn't touch Da-On, which adds even more meaning to him touching Shin-Woo.

Shin-Woo touching Tae-Gyeong willingly has the same amout of meaning. It means he overcomes his fear and acts on his feelings. The jealously mostly lurred him out of his shell, but the motivation doesn't count that much here. After avoiding Tae-Gyeong at first and then being awkward about it, he chooses to be more casual with Tae-Gyeong. He must have come to realize that Tae-Gyeong really doesn't understand him and since he can't just stand by watching Da-On, he stops being mad. I mean, Tae-Gyeong was pretty intimidating in the cafeteria...

"I don't hate you" totally breaks the ice and Tae-Gyeong can see him a bit clearer now. They talk like real high school kids... Nervous and awkward. Tae-Gyeong isn't like this when he's around Da-On. Da-On doesn't make him blush when he's around or let's him forget what sentences are, so he doesn't turn away to flee the scenery. I love Shin-Woo not being any better and even worse at talking to his crush. He's so overwhelmed afterwards.

Conclusion

So this week we discovered the filters all of them put on themselves because that is something humans do to appeal as a socially chameleon. Also, we learned about the importance of touches and how much they mean in real life.

An honorable mention here: I heard at the beginning, when there are scenes with Tae-Gyeong and Shin-Woo, there's light, happy music in the background whereas scenes with Tae-Gyeong and Da-On don't contain any music. But at the end when Tae-Gyeong and Da-On stand outside, there's suddenly music which I'm afraind doesn't verify my theory of Te-Gyeong rejecting Da-On later on...

A last analysis about the scene at the very end because it shows a lot about the characters:

You can see here, Da-On touches both of them but they don't touch him. This underlines how much meaning Tae-Gyeong and Shin-Woo's intentionally touching has. They let others touch them because it would be unfriendly to just deny an older person. Also, Da-On is BETWEEN Tae-Gyeong and Shin-Woo, do I have to say more? And Shin-Woo obviously looks at Tae-Gyeong who looks up to the sky like Da-On instructed, so that's of course forshadowing about the upcoming conflict. We already have this love triangle, so let it play out in the chaotic way it's gonna be.

Yeah, that's it because Tumblr doesn't allow more pictures in one post.

Wow

People really don’t like hearing the truth about what they do and it shows. How can y’all misinterpret what I was saying THAT badly??

Like this was just my final straw I am done with the fandom. Y’all are all so damn ignorant and petty. Y’all will literally hate on someone for doing what you do! How does that make sense?! I’m just tired of y’all and have been for such a long time now and have been less and less involved in this fandom as time went on because I too began to notice things about how yall act and treat each other and yes y’all really are all so fake and after this whole shit show I just can’t do it anymore. Lol like I knew twilight was shitty but there were still a lot of things I loved about the series and I saw so much potential in it and I recognized the shitty parts and also tried to change them to make it better and that’s what a lot of people or pretty much everyone does in this fandom, but y’all just don’t recognize the shitty parts. Y’all try to excuse it. Especially when it comes to the main characters. Y’all will literally jump through hoops to excuse or just flat out ignore Alices racism and how she treats Bella. Y’all will excuse/flat out ignore Edwards fucked up abusive actions towards Bella yet will turn around and vilify Jacob for kissing her without her permission and guilt tripping/manipulating her too. Yall vehemently hate the shit out of Jacob (and are sometimes really racist about it) and will make posts/headcnons/au’s of the cullens beating him up a native brown boy for basically doing to Bella what they literally do to her through the entire series, take away her bodily autonomy and choices and manipulate her. Yall make posts about old white racist people literally beating up a 16 year old Native American boy and jack off to that shit and be racist all while y’alls precious whites can do anything they want to Bella because nothing the Cullens ever do is wrong. Y’all are literally playing right into the hands of that racist author SM and what she wanted and what she pushed so hard in the series you’d have to be blind not to see.. and you don’t see it.

Y’all still perpetuate the bs Meyer pushed and are all so ignorant because Jacob wasn’t like that at first and was never supposed to be like that. Meyer ruins every character she touches ESPECIALLY when it comes to poc but instead of looking at that y’all would rather act like assholes and treat people who like these characters and want to remake them in their own image like shit. Yet you all want people to stop calling you racist for loving and excusing Jaspers time in the confederacy and let you all redeem him and his actions. There was a whole fandom fight about this exact thing when someone called out the racist shit these people were doing regarding Jacob and the Cullens and guess what y’all did? Y’all tried to not only defend what y’all were doing but also tried to defend the fact that Jasper was a literal confederate soldier. Like, Jasper was one of my favorite characters but that doesn’t excuse what he was. You people are the most hypocritical people I’ve ever met. Y’all can make excuses for Jasper being a confederate and say “oh well he learned from that! He’s not a racist!” and y’all can make headcanons trying to redeem him but don’t seem to wanna redeem him from the problematic things he does in the series to this day which y’all seem to always leave out and forget. Y’all can say “oh Meyers and idiot! She didn’t know what she was doing! Jasper should have been a union soldier!” and all types of shit but nobody can do the same for Jacob who was actually fucked over by Meyer and made to do problematic things not only because he was the rival but also because Meyer loves making poc the villains all the time? How can y’all not see that?

Y’all make excuses up the wall for the precious Cullens fucked up actions and will gladly blame the author and not the character for it and will attack anyone who thinks otherwise but when it comes to anyone else? especially poc? It’s time to hate them and treat them and anyone who likes them and tries to actually redeem them from their racist biased author, like shit. It’s funny how we’re supposed to love the confederate soldier who willingly fought for slavery and quickly rose through the ranks in the army and seems proud of that fact when recalling it in Eclipse and he’s just so smart and practical and calculative and is such a great leader and thinks things through and is able to convince others easily and get them to follow him because he’s so charming but we’re also supposed to feel bad for him and hate the Mexican woman who “manipulated” him and lied to him and of course she’s painted as some kind of evil seductress who manipulates the poor defenseless mindless white man that we all must coddle. I italicized those words bc that is supposed to be his characterization. People who are calculative and smart and good leaders aren’t so easily manipulated and aren’t so easily trusting, and don’t fall for one obvious lie for 100 years! Idc what anyone says nobody can keep up a simple ass lie for that long especially when with just a little more thought put into it, the lie can be debunked so easily bc the truth is right there. Also in the end he had the power. He could do what he wanted with his own body and he chose to do what he did. We’re not gonna blame the woman for the actions of the man. Yes she had a part in it and influencing it but there is no way he couldn’t have felt the deception and do nothing about it or at least feel some type of way about it. If he’s so strong and powerful and dangerous and controlled all those newborns and is so much stronger and better than María why didn’t he stage an uprising or something? Don’t give me that “he didn’t know what he was doing” excuse. It’s the same tired ass excuse y’all use for him being apart of the confederation and it makes no sense. He was able to think for himself (and apparently has a strong smart vampire brain) and do for himself and literally had power over himself and others. This is literally me saying that the shit doesn’t add up from what we know from canon. It doesn’t make sense and I’m calling out the plot holes and why it doesn’t make any sense and why it should be taken with a grain of salt. Because it’s bullshit.

This is NOT me saying “men can’t be abused” or some other shit y’all want to put into my mouth. Like you guys do all the time. But of course he didn’t actively choose to make any of those decisions and act upon it on his own, no it’s all the woman (Maria’s) fault for every single thing he did. He was completely mindless and stupid and didn’t stop to think about anything once. I am in NO way saying that María wasn’t wrong for the lie that she told him or the manipulation or whatever it’s definitely wrong but it’s also unfair that she is the only being hated for it when the main characters do the same shit?! Yet everyone ignores it because it’s not abuse when they lie and manipulate. It’s unfair that people who like her and see the error in the way she was created and want to change that or whatever and ship her with Jasper get hate for it yet you guys can do the exact same thing with your faves and their issues? THATS WHAT IM CALLING OUT! I’m not mad bc y’all “don’t ship abuse” I’m mad because you’re all hypocrites and you all fail to see it. It’s said that she did lie and manipulation and it’s “implied” as abuse and people take that little bit of info and run with it (like they do a lot) and make it out like María is the worst person ever to walk the earth and was lying to him constantly about every little thing ever and was sexually abusing him and was physically beating him even tho NONE of this is EVER stated in canon. Y’all vilify the shit out of her (the hate gets so bad I’ve seen people literally act like she’s dirty and impure and beneath compared to the special white savior and all bc she’s the manipulative colored rival and that’s ANOTHER place where the racist undertones come to play.) bc Meyer painted them as this turbulent problematic relationship with the bad colored promiscuous sexually deviant woman and then Jasper finds a pure white woman and they have the bestest, healthiest relationship ever. They don’t tho. Alice lies to him too. Alice lies to him a lot in the saga and actively keeps things from him. Alice talks down to him and teams up with Edward and is on his side all the time to treat him like a child and basically act like he’ll never be as good as them when it comes to bloodlust (Edward legit says this shit about him but yeah this family is sooo loving and they believe in him soo much blow me.) She kicks him and stomps on his foot when he has thoughts or does something that isn’t ~Cullen like~ and that’s okay? That’s supportive? Jasper himself manipulates her emotions without her permission and tells her to not worry about important people that are supposed to be “family” and manhandles her when she had that vision and this is supposed to be so much better? This is supposed to be one of the best relationships in the saga because ~mates~ and tru wuv?! Their whole courtship and mating doesn’t even make a lick of sense why would he go into a diner? full of people? Especially if he was hungry?! That doesn’t make sense! How could she have possibly had a vision of him? and then automatically assumed she was supposed to be his ~mate~ that makes even less sense, and they’re incompatible and are pretty scummy to each other but it’s disguised as pure mated mystical love, by Meyer.

We’re supposed to like it and it’s supposed to be great but it’s not and I don’t because I see holes and I’m not falling for Meyers bullshit excuses to cover her own ass; we know Meyer has a problem with showing vs. telling but we also know she has a problem with making things that are supposed to be good look terrible. but his relationship with the big bad Mexican is the one that’s completely wrong and supposed to be feared? He has more in common with said Mexican woman and pretty much acts just like her! He went along with her and what she wanted and didn’t stop and think about what the fuck he was doing and he’s known to do this in canon because he literally said that he did the same thing with Alice. He was made to feel powerful and capable even if what he was doing wasn’t morally sound. Also omg over time they eventually began to have some real feelings for each other from their little relationship they had on the side or whatever and to this day they’re still friends with each other and Jasper thinks about her from time to time and wishes her well. They actually GREW to be friends and actually had some kind of development and progress in their relationship. Their okay with each other now even with their turbulent past and Jasper doesn’t hate her. Like at all and you mean to tell me that’s bad? It’s just horribly abusive and people have no right to ship it or even like it and/or indulge in it because they may see some potential with what Meyer did with them and want to build on that and improve it??? We ALL know Meyer creates a lot of things, characters, plot points with soo much potential but always ruins it and people in fandom see that and want to change it and love it and bring out that potential but when it comes to certain characters and ships (mainly involving poc) that’s off limits? Yet y’all do the same thing with yalls boring ass white canon characters and ships or just ignore the ships/characters issues in general??? But feel like y’all got the right to play god and be all high and mighty and holier than thou and viciously attack people for doing what y’all want to do??

Now That’s a fucking joke.

Not only is it a joke it’s also unfair. Who tf are y’all to dictate what someone can and can’t like/indulge in??? and I love how everyone wants to claim “oh I don’t ship Edward/Bella Jasper/Alice etc... bullshit! All y’all do is talk about them and make headcanons and au’s and shit that’s what this fandom mostly consists of, quit fucking backtracking and lying. This doesn’t even begin to explain all things wrong with this hypocritical ass fandom but this rant is more so related to what just happened that was my last straw and made me leave that ignorant ass shitshow of a fandom.

You people read that whole passage that I wrote calling out unfair treatment and fucked up behavior and you STILL just watered it down to “oh they’re just mad because we don’t ship abuse” YES YALL DO! and that’s the problem!!! You guys HATE it when people talk shit about y’all and look down on y’all for liking twilight and tell y’all not to like it bc it’s riddled with abuse and manipulation regarding the main characters and you all come up with your own excuses and reasons (however valid or not they may be) for still liking and indulging in it and trying to fix. Yet you turn around and do the same thing to your own people in the fandom who only ask for/want the same thing y’all ask/want from twi-haters? I was calling out y’all hypocritical actions that is sometimes rooted in racism and how it’s fucked up! I was also calling out how y’all vehemently disrespected, mocked and attacked a real life human person and egged on the op for childishly being a dick to someone for no reason and you all made fun of them for VERY POLITELY requesting something Jasper/Maria related and yet y’all call yourselves nice and accepting? If you didn’t want to do it you could have just kindly told them that you didn’t want to do it. You didn’t have to make a joke moodboard post acting like you’re disgusted (funny how we all must be disgusted with the dirty impure Mexican lol) and the rest of y’all didn’t have to reblog it acting like op was so smart and funny and putting shit in the tags like “why do people ship them lol” “like grow a braincell pls” or “open ur mind” like y’all need to open your minds and realize y’all ain’t shit for that and it WRONG! It was RUDE! Wanna ask “why do people ship them” why do YOU ship shit like Edward/Bella, Jacob/Bella, Jasper/Alice, Victoria/James etc...?? Y’all collectively froth over Victoria and excuse her yet she did. the. exact. same. shit!! Albiet badly, but Come ON! now it’s suddenly okay and excuseable when you throw some white skin on it? Why do YOU even like TWILIGHT if it’s riddled with so much shit?! Racism, sexism, homophobia. If anyone needs to “grow a braincell” it’s y’all. Also yes, let’s attack people and call them dumb and stupid all for what they ship. That’s good. Yet y’all have been attacked your whole lives for liking twilight and can’t seem to make that connection. Once y’all get a little bit of recognition and power y’all wanna act exactly like the people that mistreated y’all to other innocent people that just want to be involved because they think you guys are cool. Y’all are so fucking backwards smh you people suck so fucking hard man.

Fuck the twilight fandom and fuck twilight. Y’all have ruined something I actually used to enjoy by being such nasty hypocritical turds about everything that isn’t white and popular and what you all like. You can’t be different or have different thoughts or unpopular opinions. Though y’all always say that you can, you can’t. The minute you even say anything about the Cullens that yall don’t like or the minute you ship anything that y’all don’t like, or have an opinion on a character or trope that y’all don’t like y’all get to shading and vague posting and mobbing up talking mad shit. You are all so damn fake and I hope and pray y’all get what’s coming to yall for being such nasty disgusting people and yes maybe I did come on a little too strong the first time and should have handled it better and spoken better and been more respectful but after being here for so many years and knowing y’all? That shit wouldn’t have worked. Y’all still would have reacted with viciousness and bullshit and miss the entire point. It’s what y’all constantly do. Look at what y’all do to people who politely ask for something you may not want to do??? If that’s how y’all react to innocent people then imma honestly pray for y’all. I repeat the same energy people give out and I repeated y’all nasty ass energy in my response and if you don’t like it you need to look at yourself and y’all need to stop pointing the fucking finger all the damn time. Grow the fuck up. Also if people really wanna insult me for writing PARAGRAPHS about shit YALL do? Not only is that the dumbest most useless fucking insult I’ve ever seen but it also reflects on y’all because of the simple fact that I have to write paragraphs calling out the shit y’all do and putting it in detail because y’all don’t know how to fucking read and comprehend shit, and YALL STILL MISSED MY POINT!!! That is... just wow. 🤦🏾‍♀️

Imagine being that dumb!

MARTA LUALDI DEFENSE / APPRECIATION POST.

Strap yourselves in because I’m not being polite this time.

I can’t even begin to articulate how exhausting it is to see people constantly rehash the same "Marta is a flawed / bad character, she constantly gets jealous, obsessive, etc. etc. etc." spiel. What makes this more upsetting is when people who actually do like Marta somehow adopt some of these misinterpretations (in my opinion) as canon, which only opens up the door to more hate on this girl.

I’ll be the first to admit that Marta Lualdi is a flawed character. But you know what? She is way more than those flaws and she overcomes most, if not all of them by the end of the game. Reducing a character down to traits they showed for maybe 2/8ths of their screen time is unfair and wrong. 

Let’s backpedal for a minute and remind ourselves that Marta is sixteen years old. She lost her mother when she was 14, due to the Giant Tree destroying her hometown - Palmacosta was called "a reflection of death itself" in the Successors of Hope novel. It also says, “With the destruction of Palmacosta, the happiness she [Marta] knew came to a crashing end.” Remember that even before it was destroyed, Palmacosta was fighting the threat of the Desians, and if you recall they were the only city in Sylvarant openly opposing them despite Magnius constantly terrorizing the city. It’s important to realize that THAT is the environment Marta came out of, the place she grew up in.

After losing her mother and hometown, her father lost his mind and started an organization that’s dead set on murdering the Tethe’allans and taking over the world. She’s a sixteen year old girl on the run with only Tenebrae by her side, while she’s being hunted down by a literal army. Oh, and half of that organization actually doesn’t care about capturing her, and is actually trying to kill her instead as they’re loyal to the Richter and/or Alice faction. And there’s no way to tell which side is which. But if the side who wants to capture her succeeds? They’ll force her to take part in genocide. 

But Marta is immature, right? She’s self centered and stupid, right? She didn’t choose to stand up against her last surviving family member and try to protect the world by herself since no one else could be trusted, right?

Also, Marta is a Sylvaranti. Plenty of Tethe’allans have bullied her and harassed her for simply being born on the ‘wrong’ planet. They’ve called her dirt and treated her like garbage. That’s who she’s protecting, here. The people who do everything they can to make her feel like nothing. Marta gets attacked by a Tethe’allan, thrown against the stone pavement so hard her head starts bleeding, while trying to protect a little Sylvaranti boy in the Successors of Hope novel. She’s willing to put her life on the line for them because she believes that not every Tethe’allan is bad, and that the relationship between the worlds is worth mending. 

Now, after everything she’s dealt with up until now, she meets Emil. And SHE saves HIM, since, as we’ve established, protecting people is basically her job now. And what happens after? He doesn’t remember her, so she brushes him off. She says she needs to go - 'I’m in a hurry.’ She tells him. ‘I’m Marta. Is that it?’ 

EMIL is the one who asks what her name is and stops her. Then he goes after her and gives her a chance to flee from Richter. He makes a pact with Ratatosk to protect her. I think it’s pretty clear that he goes beyond what ‘helping someone out’ entails. It’s especially weird, considering Emil hears Richter call Ratatosk a ‘demon lord.’ He was still willing to go out of his way to protect her, which says something about Emil, but also says something about why Marta was immediately attached to him.

She’s been on the run, with no where to turn to; she can’t trust anyone, since they’re all out to capture her or behead her. Then Emil shows up. He’s kind, and he vows to protect her and keep her safe. He becomes a KNIGHT OF RATATOSK for her. Sounds pretty fairy tale-esque, don’t you think?

Then Emil’s family and home is put in danger. She’s been there, she’s seen it happen first hand, twice (first with the Giant Tree and then with the Blood Purge). And she takes the blame for it, for everything the Vanguard has done. She doesn’t get mad at him for saying it’s her fault. She accepts responsibility and willingly goes to her death. She’s willing to give up Ratatosk’s core to the church, who she thinks will at least keep it safe from the Vanguard, and die to save Luin. That happens in the FIRST CHAPTER OF THE GAME. It’s basically the tutorial, and Marta is establishing herself as selfless and kind.

Emil saves her from being killed when the church doesn’t stop its attack, but she tells him to stop attacking Magnar, even after he tried to behead her, when Emil goes into Ratatosk Mode ( ‘That’s enough Emil, stop it!’ ). She has very clear morals, and she doesn’t like seeing anyone hurt - also, she knows EMIL doesn’t want to hurt anyone either.

She does fawn over him, but Emil doesn’t stop her. He talks with Tenebrae about how he feels about it, but not with Marta. He willingly holds her hand in Asgard, but when he is VISIBLY embarrassed/awkward about it, she lets go. She’s not trying to make him uncomfortable, and when she can see that he is, she drops whatever she’s doing to try to make up for it. She may get carried away, but at the end of the day she tries her best to be considerate. That fact needs to stop getting overlooked.

Alright, now with the Colette confrontation. Marta openly states in the Journal that she’s confused, she doesn’t know how to feel about the Chosen. She doesn’t think she’s the type to abandon the world, but in Marta’s eyes she basically told her to her face that she let Marta’s mother die. She ran away, for no explainable reason, other than the rumor that she chose Tethe’alla over Sylvarant.

Remember that it was the loss of her mother that changed her father, and what more or less prompted him to form the Vanguard (thus causing the situation she’s in now). Colette didn’t explain herself, though since the truth behind World Regeneration seems to be a secret, it’s likely that she couldn’t share the truth with Marta at that time. Marta seems to pick up on the fact that there’s more to the story, which is why she is able to more or less become quick friends with her. She’s not the type of person Marta dislikes - she’s kind, and she tries her best to help others no matter what dangers she faces. She willingly rushed in to protect Marta and Emil from Alice and the Vanguard, knowing that they’re after her, after all. It’s similar to what Marta herself does numerous times throughout the game. You can read my analysis of Marta’s feelings regarding Colette here.

Later, with Colette, she asks if she likes Emil - Colette, not really understanding what Marta really meant, says she does. She doesn’t tell Colette she can’t like him or give her the cold shoulder, she’s just surprised and says she won’t lose. It’s only in a skit that she acts that way, though. Marta doesn’t really acknowledge it afterwards, only getting a bit jealous when Emil later says that Colette was soothing to be around. She tried to fish for compliments from him before and got nothing, but then he casually complimented Colette. Given that he’s her only friend in the world (besides her confusing relationship with Colette), and she has a puppy crush on him, I think it’s pretty understandable why it would make her feel not so great inside.

Also, I have gone on about this before, but we find out very late in the game that Marta is afraid of heights. Even so, she willingly crawls across a very narrow platform to save a little boy, while Alice tries to kick her off it. Alice says herself that if she falls, she’ll die. So it’s high enough up that the drop would cause instant death. Scary for anyone, let alone someone with a fear of heights. Again, she’s doing this in chapter two. You can read my analysis of that particular incident here.

When Emil and Marta end up in Iselia, Emil is extremely agitated from the get go. He makes rude comments, and has an overall bad attitude since it’s Lloyd’s hometown. Marta lost people too, and Lloyd took Lumen’s core, but she chooses to be the bigger person for the sake of their objective. Emil isn’t acting like the gentle, kind boy he usually is (which is why she can be so fiery and passionate usually - since they’re not both being hotheaded), so she takes the role of the calm, collected one and does most of the talking with the townspeople. She gives people a chance to show their character before she makes judgement. Even Emil, whose signature trait is being kind, isn’t able to do that due to his resentment towards Lloyd.

When Emil finally tells her he doesn’t like the way she treats him (like a prince, etc.) she owns up to it and vows to change. She takes legitimate personal criticism and applies it immediately, and that’s hard to do. After that she gets defensive when anyone even suggests her and Emil are more than friends, since he told her it bothered him. And you know what? It’s Emil who decides he doesn’t like it. 

After that, Emil is the one who Tenebrae notes is jealous throughout the game. When Emil dejectedly asks if Marta prefers rich guys like Regal, Tenebrae says that his “petty jealousies” can wait. Marta nervously asks if Emil has a crush on her, but he says no in a panic and she lets the conversation end there. She tries to ask about what he said later, but he exclaims it wasn’t important at all, and she quietly accepts it. Emil definitely sends her mixed signals, so I don’t think her inability to completely give up on him is entirely her fault.

Despite having the weight of the world on her, and trying to deal with being a sixteen year old with a crush, Marta still did her best to take what Emil said to her to heart. She changes her view and without meaning to, starts to love the true Emil. And she tells him that. She tells him,��“I think that the real you is much, much cooler than the fantasy I had in my mind.” She acknowledges her flaws in this same scene but by this point, has actually already overcome a lot of them.

Marta’s true defining trait in the game up is being caring, and kind, NOT being obsessive, jealous, clingy, etc. as much of the “fanon” portrays her as being. She looks out for Emil, defends him and encourages him to grow at his own pace. She tells him that looking out for others (even Richter and the monsters he fights) and caring about them is okay and that he shouldn’t feel bad about it. He confides in her more than anyone and she comforts him. When she sees that Emil is struggling or not feeling well it’s Marta that has the party take a break so he can rest. 

But Marta cares about others, too, not only Emil. She cares about her friends and even strangers. And she’s not afraid to stand up for them if someone says something unkind, even if that person is Emil. When he goes too far she calls him on it. Whether or not he’s in Ratatosk Mode, she has no problems telling him that he needs to cool his jets and be more considerate. She goes as far as to slap Ratatosk Mode Emil in the Temple of Lighting when he says he doesn’t care about Rilena or the fact that she’s trapped with Decus and could be in danger. 

I’ll admit that I don’t exactly think that was the best way to go about it, but up till this point in the game Ratatosk Mode Emil made light of other people’s lives and showed no sign of stopping. She didn’t lay her hands on him again, but afterwards opted to give him the silent treatment which proved very effective on him. It was her way of forcing him to open his eyes and see that other people’s lives have value. And it worked. This was a turning point in the game for Ratatosk Mode Emil to start taking other people’s lives more seriously. The Summon Spirit Ratatosk said he wanted to destroy mankind and that he didn’t care about individual people’s lives; Marta Lualdi was the one who changed that. Her kindness and compassion for other people inspired that in him.

She is gentle and reassuring no matter who he is, Emil or Ratatosk, and even when he wonders if he was Aster, she tells him that it doesn’t matter. The person she met and traveled with is real, and nothing could ever take that away. Marta is Emil’s pillar of support, his strength when his own fails him. He acknowledges that as her role in his life. The misinterpretation of Emil thinking Marta is clingy and annoying and that’s it has got to stop. He didn’t even think that of her in the beginning of the game, before all her true character development began.

I’ve already noted how Marta was willing to sacrifice herself in chapter 2, but she does so again in Altamira. She’s willing to die to save the city, and she doesn’t even hesitate. She thinks about saving the innocent people first; saving herself comes after, no sooner. Even when she’s forced to leave so that the Vanguard doesn’t capture her, she can’t bring herself to stay in Mizuho and endanger the people there. She makes the decision to go and fight her last surviving family member and stop him herself. She says that she’s afraid, but she’ll go anyway. If that isn’t true bravery and fortitude, I don’t know what is. Marta Lualdi is anything but weak. She is just as much a hero as Emil or any of the original cast.

She’s even willing to try to help Decus, her enemy, because she doesn’t want him to have to suffer under the affects of the Centurion’s Core. She has her suspicions that it may be a trap, but she goes anyway because she would rather be betrayed than leave him to lose his mind if it was the truth. In the end it was a trap and she was captured and brought to Brute, but she makes the most out of the opportunity and tries to reason with him one last time. When it fails, she steels herself and prepares for it to come to blows. This sixteen year old girl had to face her own father turning his staff against her. And she toughed it out for the greater good. She embodies strength and resilience, not obsessive behavior. 

She acknowledges the fact that she relied on others a lot in her past, but that she’s grown. That’s not who she is at the end of the game, and she knows it, even if Alice doesn’t. Marta very clearly is insecure (“I half expected you to be relieved that this annoying girl was finally out of your hair.” in the Temple of Ice), and that’s very likely at least partly due to Alice’s insults and jabs, so it means a lot that she’s able to realize her own growth.

She was strong enough to kill Alice to protect Emil, which even Alice thought she would never do - maybe not because she didn’t have the strength physically, but that she couldn’t do it morally or have the mental strength to go through with it. She never wanted to hurt Alice and Decus, even after all the terrible things they had done and all the personal attacks Alice directed towards her. But she did it. She immediately feels the guilt for it, and even wonders if she’s any better than Alice for being willing to do what she did; Tenebrae (constantly called insensitive) is the one who comforts her, saying she fought out of love for others while Alice fought out of love for herself. 

Marta, in the end, is the one who sees through Emil’s act and realizes that he wasn’t being controlled by Ratatosk. Many times throughout the series its HER who realizes the truth, or senses that something’s up. She’s highly observant and intuitive, she’s by no means stupid. She has street smarts and actually knows a lot about the world from all the traveling she’s done (before & during the game).

Despite not being responsible for what the Vanguard did, as she actively took actions against it and left before they started being increasingly violent, she still states in the ending that she intends to pay for her “crimes.” She vows to bring peace to the world by finding a way to make the Tethe’allans accept the Sylvaranti. She literally says she’s going to devote her life to being a peace maker. I have no doubt that Emil coming back in the “true” ending wouldn’t change that plan of hers at all.

I’d also like to point out that all the while, throughout the entire game, what is Marta doing in the Journal? She writes about half of it, and along with writing down their adventure, she’s supporting Emil, as his best and closest friend and confidant above all else. She’s doing her best to encourage him and tell him that she thinks he’s okay just the way he is. He doesn’t have to change. She leaves little notes checking up on him, making sure he knows she’s rooting for him and has her full confidence.

And she doesn’t think anything of it, it’s just natural. Because in her mind, that’s what you DO when you’re friends with someone. You support them, encourage them, and be kind to them. You are there for them no matter what and you defend them at all costs. She thinks EMIL is kinder than her and wants to be more like him. Emil thinks MARTA is kinder than him and wants to be more like her.

Marta Lualdi is the kind, caring girl who said, “Emil's saved me so many times. I want to do the same for him.”

Marta Lualdi is the wise, worldly girl who said, “Those who rely only on power will be doomed because of power.”

Marta Lualdi is not the obsessive, jealous, self centered girl that “fanon” makes her out to be. Period.

Flasback Friday: Roach Guy, From Pests to Pal

January 09, 2014

If I'd had a blog in 2011, you would have heard a lot about "Roach Guy" in the last two years. (With some encouragement) I've decided to compile all the posts that would have been. At it's worst it's my greatest diary entry, at it's best it's the foundation for my first book. Either way, brace yourself for too many words.

Message Monday: The Roach Breeder November 2011

I messaged this guy on OKCupid because his profile said he had a collection of small pets and cared for his plants like children (or something). He only posted one picture on his profile and it was from a distance, so I don't even know what he looks like. I know, I'm so brave. His reply:

As it turns out, HE BREEDS ROACHES. It's important for you to know that one time when I saw a roach in the living room I locked myself in my bedroom to cry until my dad showed up to dispose of it. I was 20.

Yet for some reason, his roach breeding doesn't bother me that much. Granted, I will never enter his home so long as he willingly houses these pests, but I'm oddly intrigued by this guy. I've had a busy week so I've been slow to reply and got this message from him:

SHOULD I BE CONCERNED THAT I STILL WANT TO TALK TO HIM??

The good thing is that if I ever date him he already has a nickname among my friends: Roach Guy.

My Date With Roach Guy and His Toe Shoes December 2011

Against all odds (read: the fact that he breeds roaches), I ended up meeting Roach Guy (RG).

We met for dinner at Native Foods in Costa Mesa, since I'm a vegetarian and he is too! (pescetarian, technically). Not really knowing who to look for thanks to his lack of photos, when I first arrived and saw an old man, I feared I was being Catfished! Then I spotted him: bearded, nice smile, casual clothes and those shoes that have a slot for each toe. There's always a catch, right? If roaches weren't enough, he had to be wearing toe shoes??

I'm pretty shallow, so this should be a huge, waiving red flag for me. But I had the best time! His demeanor is calm and friendly, and we had so much to talk about. I found myself wanting to know everything about this human. Eventually we wondered why the restaurant employees were turning off the lights, only to realize it had been 4 hours and we'd shut the place down! Time had escaped us. I could maybe talk to him forever? But like, toe shoes.

"EXCUSE ME, MAY I LIVE ON YOUR DRESSER FOREVER?" - GERALD

Meet Gerald December 2011

I saw Roach Guy again -- we met at a cool spot of his choice in Santa Ana, and when I arrived he gave me an ORIGAMI DINOSAUR that was holding a bouquet of flowers.

Did you read that? An ORIGAMI DINOSAUR. That he made. With his hands. In his spare time. For me. it was holding flowers. HE SIGNED AND DATED THE BOTTOM. Internally I melted and swooned and died twice. Don't worry, externally I played it supes cool.

After dinner we caravanned to the beach to watch something magical take place in the sky or something. It was the night of winter solstice, so we found a spot amid the rocks to talk and gaze. A cop found us and told us the beach closed at 10 ("nature was closed," so to speak) so once he left we relocated to a grassy area nearby, only to be splashed suddenly by sprinklers. RG covered me with the blanket he'd brought and we found dry land. Eventually we made our way down to a lifeguard tower hidden away from the cops and sprinklers. To arrive there we had to go down a dark and quiet street, the kind in horror films where you scream at the girl "DON'T GO HE'S GOING TO MURDER YOU!" But thankfully I had politely asked him not to murder me earlier in the night, and he obliged. In retrospect, it could have been a scene from a rom-com: sitting on a lifeguard tower under the stars, talking, laughing ETC. ETC. ETC. In the moment it never seems as picturesque.

When my friends asked how the night went all I had to say was, "he gave me an origami dinosaur that was holding a bouquet of flowers" and they knew I was smitten.

Roaches Are Tenacious March 2012

They say roaches can live 10 days with their heads cut off. Who is out there testing this theory, I don't know. But apparently they're determined little suckers.

Just like Roach Guy.

Despite the fact that we had a great third date and that he's super sweet (he emailed me "e-soup" when I was sick!), I dropped him like hot potato. At first I told him I was busy, then I stopped replying to a majority of his texts and emails. I KNOW, I'm the worst! However, like a roach isn't phased by nuclear war, RG wasn't phased by my distance. He even asked me to get ice cream on Valentine's Day which provoked several feelings and thoughts: 1) how sweet 2) should I be insulted you think I'm free for Valentine's Day, on Valentine's Day 3) wow you're persistent it has been like six weeks, brah 4) that's really cute I love ice cream should I go.

I didn't go. Instead I continued to be vague and distant. Then he emailed me the most charming little letter you ever did see. I wish it was a love letter and not a "WTF happened, Erin" letter. My favorite sentence:

Although our times together were brief relative to linear time they were rich in substance, and there was a strange effect on the normal progression of time when you were around.

Isn't that the most poetic? I apologized and after some email banter we agreed to be friends in the future. I'm kind of into that idea but refuse to act interested because duh.

I Have A Crush On A Guy Who Once Bred Roaches January 2013

BLAPTICA DUBIA

After two hangouts that were pleasant but nothing to write home about, Roach Guy and I began talking on the phone more often. One day I said, "it's weird we still talk on the phone even though we've only met 5 times." What I meant was that we were essentially strangers, yet I felt really comfortable talking to him at length. He misinterpreted that as "let's hang out," and I didn't correct him.

We were supposed to watch a movie at my apartment, but while he was driving over my friend offered me two free tickets for a Muse concert. I "asked" Roach Guy if that was okay (read: I dictated that we were going to a concert) and he agreed to go. The concert was great, yeah yeah yeah, but what really stands out is how much we LAUGHED. After the concert he was laying stretched out on my living room floor and I was sitting on my couch when I realized I had a crush on him. Well, more than a crush, I like him. After all this time! I try and find all these reasons not to like him such as,

1. he is repulsed by butter, which is my favorite food 2. he sleeps on his floor instead of using his bed 3. he despises authority figures while I'm over here like #respect.

While I would normally mock a guy for the above and blame these differences for a reason to distance myself, in this case it's made me realize that you can't just like piece of a person. When you like someone you like someone, and I like Roach Guy.

One night this month we talked on the phone for four hours. We discovered we could be silent without feeling strange, and we could talk about being silent without feeling strange, without feeling strange. During this conversation we made plans for him to come up and see a movie with me, and he asked if we could call that a date. After an extremely long pause I said sure. He had JUST told me twenty minutes earlier that he didn't want a significant other so that he could explore his path to enlightenment. MEANWHILE I'LL EXPLORE MY PATH TO HEARTBREAK.

The night of our date he put his arm around me during the movie, and afterwards we got pizza and ate it in my living room . He put concerted effort into befriending my ferocious chihuahua, and in no time they were buds, melting my heart once and for all.

QUIZ: ARE YOU EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE March 2013

BOXER JOHN CONTEH DRINKING BEER IN THE SHOWER DECEMBER 1978 (PIC: DM) THEN SO CAN I OKAY??

Like his namesake, Roach Guy has vanished into the dark. When we did speak briefly he said he is seeking introspection. (Introspecting? Is that a word, I don't know.)

He's doing exactly what I did to him when we first met, so I can't get mad, technically, without being a hypocrite.

I'm kind of mad. More like, sad, if anything. Like drink-beer-in-the-shower-while-singing-Rilo-Kiley-at-the-top-of-my-lungs-until-my-friend-shows-up-with-pizza-sad. GURLZ YOU KNOW WHERE I'M AT WUT UP.

This is a totally normal female reaction to a male, and I feel comfortable sharing it on the Internet in light of the fact that it may sound like a diary entry.

As such, I'm creating a quiz that any future dating prospects must complete:

QUIZ: ARE YOU EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE **Graded: PASS or FAIL 1. Are you "emotionally available"? a) yes b) no 2. If you answered "a" above, are you sure? a) yes b) no 3) Do you like butter? a) I fucking love it give me all the butter b) ew Correct answers: 1. a; 2. a 3. a

If you answered "b" to any of the above questions you cannot put your mouth on my mouth even if you're the funniest.

I'm Grateful for the Internet* January 10, 2014

*This isn't really a post about the Internet, per say.

The next time someone asks me my favorite place in the world I'm just going to be honest and say the Internet -- I spend all of my time there these days! Who cares where I am when I can talk to anyone just about anywhere from any of my devices!! In this day and age and decade of my life (#twentysomething), it's hard to meet people, and the Internet makes it easier. #single #nerd #dateme

ROACH GUY LOVES NEW GIRL.

Thinking about my addictive relationship to the Internet and therefore Facebook/Twitter/Blogs/OKCUPID, my mind wanders to Roach Guy. I made a friend on the Internet you guys!! It almost makes filtering through aggressive 46 year old men worth it.

After his introspection, Roach Guy eventually resurfaced from the dark, and though we fizzled out "romantically" many moons ago, we've maintained a friendship that I really appreciate.

Recently he asked how I would write about "Roach Guy" on my blog (he's a big supporter, thanks brah), and I told him I didn't know what exactly I'd write about him. He said I had a good point: there weren't any crazy stories besides his nickname and, "Other than distancing ourselves, which we both did in the same way, it was all just nice casual dates where we laughed and had delicious pizza." My gut reply was "eff you" because old crushes and darkness and emotions, but I took the high road (kind of) because he is my friend and like, #dignity.

Instead I called him out on the vagueness around whether our hangouts were "dates," and eventually he admitted that he'd been too cowardly to tell me he just wanted to be friends (you know, because I didn't catch on when he disappeared for a couple months). He, like most guys, can be clueless. Most likely he doesn't realize (or care) that my crush on him didn't just disappear when he did. Though he admits it was "cowardly" to not tell me his (lack of) feelings sooner, he also said I could have asked.

Well, one time when he left my house after a night "where we laughed and had delicious pizza" I asked if it was a date. He said "let's leave it open to interpretation." I digress, and this recent conversation about his (lack of) feelings for me is certainly not the point of this #FlashbackFriday.

In fact, I'm very much at peace with my friendship with Roach Guy -- I enjoy our texts, SnapChats and quarterly IRL hangouts quite a bit. It has made me realize the importance of BRUTAL HONESTY, OPENING ONES' HEART and COMMUNICATION in relationships - romantic or otherwise. Plus, it taught me a lot about the snap judgements I so often make. What if I'd written him off when he mentioned roaches?? I'd have missed out on an awesome friendship.

On February 2, 2013, RG and I grabbed beers in Long Beach. I'm going to end this with a few quotes from Roach Guy, unattached to each other but all from the same conversation about relationships and the friend zone (god I'm so thankful past Erin kept a journal and wrote down quotes like a stalker):

One day someone will see how kind I am and love me back.

I have so much love to give.

I will always like you and be attracted to you.