#why!!!is!!!writing!!!so!!!difficult!!!rn!!!!!!!!!
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local girl did work for three minutes straight without stopping to listen to music for 45 minutes. 15 dead 11 injure d
#ramblings of a lunatic#why!!!is!!!writing!!!so!!!difficult!!!rn!!!!!!!!!#im being VERY brave about it but still#its fine its fine im almost done with the intro to ep 3 (gonna finish the base of the scene today b4 tweaking and planning the part tomorr)#*tomorrow#well maybe not tomorrow. i have to be up early tomorrow. but u get the idea#and THEN when i have the opening all donezo i get to go redraft episode 1 to my liking (theres like. 3-ish? changes by scene count?-#-and probably just dialogue/characterization tweaks across the board. as much as i wanna im leaving the actual plot points in tact-#-bc if i dont i'll be here until i turn to stone!)#and THEN i get to do an actual redraft/iron-over of episode 2#(one scene needs to be added for thematic relevance and i gotta keep it short then i gotta redraft one scene to have better dialogue-#-then i gotta fix up some ending bits and add a better thesis statement to the penultimate scene-#-and THEN i gotta redraft the very last scene so it seques better into episode 3!)#and when all thats done then im gonna try and knuckle down for the next few months to get ep 3 done#aiming for late december deadline...we'll see what happens#u guys hold me to that. if it's jan 1st and theres no 3rd enterprise script feel free to send me anon hate /hj
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WELL. I had an anon that was kindly asking me background info on my oc jiro and whatever he had going on with lu ten. I had the Fawking response all done and had it saved as a draft right. and i just needed to switch it to post but tumblr Wouldnt Let Me (it was saying something "went wrong" idfk) so I deleted the draft and was gonna try posting it again thinking the ask would reappear in my inbox but it DIDNT it just deleted the whole ask along with the draft :((( so i'm just gonna post it all here anyway and hope that the anon sees it fhkdndncmxbc,dndkzhnx
-basic stuff: 27 (<-when he meets lu ten), nonbender (<-doesnt need bending lol)
-finest jewelry maker in the fire nation. he also does metal art like embossing and figures and shit. he collaborates closely with famous potters and tailors in the FN to make stuff for the royal family and their special occasions (like holiday and celebration banquet jewelry and bedazzled outfits and shit). he also works with fire nation theaters, to help with their costumes for their more pricey productions. he's made MANY crowns for the royal family as well.
-oldest of 3 brothers. the business he owns was passed down in the family thru generations. jiro inherited (usurped?) it when he was 23, after he beat his father to death for smacking their mother around. their mother lives with the middle brother and his family on one of the outer FN islands. the youngest is estranged and started his own (less successful) business out of jealousy towards jiro.
-neutral on the war in the same way june the bounty hunter is- money is money to him. and when I say neutral I mean neutral. he obviously doesn't get clients or customers from other nations due to the war but if he did then he'd be more than happy to serve them. but his business still wouldn't be affected no matter the outcome of the war because even without international clients his wallet is thick, so he doesn't really care what the outcome ends up being. he believes a true businessman goes wherever the wind takes him and is good at adapting. not a "stuck in his ways" type of guy. the royal family is his top priority client obviously, but it's simply because they pay the most for the finest pieces. it's not out of any kind of loyalty or patriotism.
-jiro likes material things and having money, but he's genuinely super passionate about his craft and the arts in general. he does a lot of other crimes (<- lol) but counterfeiting isn't one of them. all his products and art are genuine, handcrafted, made to detail. he's probably kinda disgusted by the idea of counterfeit and scamming because he genuinely looks forward to the reaction of his clients when they receive what they paid for. he does the act of service, he gets the praise and the money, he's a happy camper.
-despite all of the above, his demeanor is the definition of greasy and sleazy- but he also can be genuinely suave when he wants. he'll charm the pants off your granny. but not sleazy in the same way zhao is, though (cus zhao is no real charmer lol). cus zhao is high in the navy so he's Very stuck up, and he's also an otl (<-???) ass-kisser. he's a slimy douchebag, but still one that adamantly adheres to and enforces fire nation law. he's a guy that has goals and will do anything to get there. meanwhile jiro, you look at him and you know he does criminal shit. he just gives the danger vibe, and he flaunts it with confidence. and you must reach at least level 4 friend to unlock the gentlemanly, white-knight-syndrome side of jiro.
-what jiro DOES do for criminal activity is that as he has most of all the fire nation nobility and high court (along with the Literal royal family) in his pocket. he has eyes and ears in a LOTTTT of people's business. sensitive business. criminal business. blackmail on top of blackmail. he's only loyal to people he personally gives a shit about, and whatever the people he cares about gives a shit about. he's got the love in his heart to make those extensions because he really is thoughtful in nature. but anything outside of that is not his problem so yes he WILL sell your ass out. the most dependable man in the world if he loves you, but the most venomous, backstabbing scorpion-viper if he doesn't care about you.
-and he doesn't hire goons- the business and its dealings are done all by him, and him alone. so if you air out his business or try to fuck with him, he will show up in your house alone and kill you in the next 24 hours i PROMISE you. preferred form of doing so is beating to death. and them is workers arms baby so you aren't getting out of it alive!!! jiro isn't very tall but he is strong as FUCK. and because of the fact that he knows everybody's dirty laundry he gets away with all of it lol. jiro is not afraid of jackkkkk SHIT (<- which is why he's very dependable if he loves you. he's unflinching and dedicated)
-as for him and lu ten: he and lu ten met by chance (they quite literally ran into each other in the palace and toppled over each other), and ended up being twin flames. lu ten's like the orange cat to jiro's black cat. they balanced each other out and jiro was exactly what lu ten needed at the perfect time. their first date or whatever (Doing An Activity Together) was having lunch and tea together in the palace gardens, and it kinda spurred from there. they spent time together like an old retired couple basically lol??? lunches, dinners, long walks from evening to night, doing their tasks in silence but they're next to each other so it's fun (<-parallel play for adults), sitting on benches for hours and just talking and bird watching. two people with tough jobs, so they sometimes forget to stop and smell the roses, but they reserve time for each other so they can stop and smell the roses together.
-it isn't ALWAYS them acting like a retired old couple though cus like I said jiro is a sleaze bag and a flirt. azula was the only one that really noticed and she was very disgusted by them and would constantly swear lu ten has a thing for losers. but then again she'd claim any person lu ten messes with to be a gross loser so there's that
-as soon as they got close to tension hitting a boiling point the siege situation rolled around (<-AVERAGE COCKBLOCKER IROH MOMENT) and lu ten obviously didn't come back. and jiro never let go of it because of all the "what ifs" and how there was something there that was mutual but it never became official or was put into words. so there's more regret rather than bitterness about lu ten's absence in jiro's life. like "right person, wrong time" trope??? but this is the dai li au so they'll be fine eventually lol
-after lu ten died and ozai took over, jiro was silently cut off from the royal family. ozai didn't directly order that or anything but he didn't commission or hire jiro for anything the way azulon always did. jiro also quietly removed himself from the whole political ring and just focused on his work. didn't have a reason to stop and smell the roses anymore, but the work never quits and the world didn't stop turning
-once azula got old enough to be let loose into the playing field, she hired jiro under the table due to her knowing how close he'd been with lu ten (which makes him someone she felt that she could trust), and he got put back into the political game (<- to everyone elses dismay). since her first rodeo was outside of the fire nation, he became her eyes and ears back home.
-and he wasn't forced by her or intimidated by her- he was brought back to life by finally having a real reason to get back in action again. at first, azula being the kid lu ten personally took care of for the first little portion of her life (<-which is a secret jiro knows from lu ten. azula doesn't know about that, and it's gonna stay that way. it's more to be a driving force for jiro. cus jiro has a "whats yours is mine" mindset when he loves someone. so what lu ten loved, jiro also loves. so whatever azula wants from jiro, jiro will provide it to her.) was what made being her guy so easy, but he ends up taking a genuinely liking to the crazy kid. he feels like they get along pretty well cus they're like-minded when it comes to their methods
#I'm so sorry anon.#I'm holding anon like Ivan the terrible and his son rn.#for some reason putting jiro into words is way harder for me than with fuhua#idk why. he's just weird and difficult#that's why it took forever to write all this outnshjsbcjkxn#dai li lu ten#original character#alicias writing stuff
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Got a prompt for you
Dimileth Post-Timeskip pre-Gronder unplanned pregnancy
(thank you so much anon, i had so much fun writing this!! hope you enjoy it too :3 <3)
wordcount: 1.2k
“Fuck!”
“… Fuck indeed”.
Byleth looked up at Mercedes, biting her lips. “What the fuck am I supposed to do now?!”
Mercedes sighed, visibly worried for her professor. “I think… you should at least tell him, professor. The final choice is entirely yours, of course, but he has to know”. She hesitated. “He needs to know”.
Byleth lowered her gaze. “Sadly, I think you’re right”.
The former mercenary was standing in front of the Cathedral, unable to step inside. She caressed her belly almost unconsciously. ‘You’re not a mistake. I just… I'd rather prefer you not to meet your father when he’s… like that’.
The belly didn’t respond.
Byleth was angry. Furious. She had never felt such rage, not even to Kronya the day Jeralt died. And the worst part? She didn’t even know who exactly this rage was for. Herself? Maybe. Destiny? Not exactly; destiny was Sothis, and Sothis was long gone. Him? Well, yes, of course; but not only. Biology? That one, too. Maybe especially it.
Byleth’s gaze wandered inside the Cathedral, immediately recognizing his figure, standing in front of the old Goddess statue, as he did every single fucking day since they reunited.
Okay, maybe that anger was totally for Dimitri. What did he do, since she woke up, since she found him? Kill, talk to the dead; kill, argue with Byleth; kill; and kiss her. He kissed her. He fucking kissed her. That damn bastard, who once was so afraid of his feelings he even took back his love confession, had the gall to grab her and kiss her like she was water and he was lost in a desert. He kissed her at the worst time possible because she had waited for it for so long, and that wasn’t the right time. She had kissed him back. Byleth missed her Dimitri; missed the sweet prince, missed the caring student, missed her kind friend. She shouldn’t have kissed him back. She should have scolded him, have stepped back. That… that wasn’t her Dimitri. Her lips weren’t for that… not-Dimitri. She should have gone away. She hadn’t, of course, because when Dimitri’s hungry lips captured hers, she felt… desire. Longing. Fire; a burning sensation she thought would kill her instantly. It hadn’t. She indulged in the fire, she lost herself in that fire. She was fire; she had been since the beginning.
Byleth shook her head; it was pointless to think about… that. What is done is done.
She stepped inside the Cathedral; he didn’t turn to her, his shoulders startled slightly, the only sign he noticed her presence.
Oh, the anger was back. Like a tsunami. “Oi, asshole!” Byleth shouted, unable to stop herself. “I have something important to tell you, so at least, look at me”.
Dimitri hesitated for a moment, but apparently something in Byleth’s tone caught his curiosity, since he did turn to her. He just shot her a vague questioning glare.
Byleth sighed. She thought about the advice Mercedes gave her, about what to tell him, how to tell him—
“I’m pregnant”.
It didn’t go exactly as planned.
Dimitri’s eyes widened, the hand holding Areadbhar twitched. He didn’t say anything, just looked at her for forty seconds straight.
“… Who”, he eventually said.
Byleth furrowed. “What?!”
“Who dared touch you”, Dimitri growled, his voice raising in tone.
Byleth blinked a few times. “What the hell do you mean”.
Dimitri was getting closer; he stopped a few inches from Byleth’s face.
“I’ll kill them. I’ll kill whoever dared to touch you, no, whoever dares to even look at you—”
‘Oh… oh heavens, no. He can’t be that dumb, can he?’
“What are you talking about?”
“… The baby’s father, of course”, he hissed, visibly annoyed. “Who is he”. Dimitri looked away, almost as if he was unable to hold her gaze. Almost as if he feared the answer.
‘Oh. He is that dumb’.
“Who do you think he is?” Byleth asked, almost casually. He was going to pay for his dumbness, and she deserved some fun.
Dimitri turned to her, anger in his eyes. “Don’t tease me, you! Tell me who dared touch my—”
“‘Your’ what? Am I yours now?” Byleth interrupted him, folding her arms, holding his gaze.
Dimitri gasped and fell silent. Byleth, still looking him in the eye, grabbed his hand and placed it on her belly.
“This is yours. This— is ours”. ‘You dumbass’, she also thought, but decided to keep it to herself.
Dimitri’s eyes went from their joined hands to her face, looking at her in disbelief.
“Keep in mind—I’m not asking you for help or… or opinions. I don’t need them and don’t care about them. I’m just telling you because you have the right to know—”
Byleth stopped talking when Dimitri suddenly dropped to his knees, their joined hands still placed on Byleth’s belly. It took her a few seconds to notice he was sobbing. Desperately sobbing.
“I’m sorry”, Dimitri was mumbling. “I’m so sorry”.
Yes, Byleth was generally angry with him, but she didn’t hate him. Quite the opposite, in fact. That’s why she yielded and took his face in her hands, looking at him. “Why are you apologizing, Dimitri?” she asked softly.
Dimitri startled, as he did every time Byleth called him by his name. He tried to turn away, but Byleth kept holding him, looking him in the eye. “Answer me”, she demanded.
“I…” Dimitri gasped, searching for words. “Your… child… deserves a better father. A better person. All I know how to do is kill… I have to… They… are telling me this is wrong; I do not have the right—”
“Dimitri”, Byleth interrupted firmly. “A soon-to-be-human is growing inside me. A child will be born. I will be their mother, you will be their father. Now, tell me. Who is more important? The long-gone ones, or the coming ones? Who do you want to dedicate your life to? What, who does your life belong to?”
Dimitri’s eyes were shut, tears along his cheeks. “I… want… it to be yours. Both of you”. His eyes opened. “But, tell me, professor... Please, Byleth, tell me... How do I silence their desperate pleas? How do I... How do I save them? Ever since that day nine years ago... I have lived only to avenge the fallen… How could I be a fitting father for a small creature if I can’t even please those that are already here…”
“Those are not here, Dimitri”, Byleth whispered, her forehead touching his. “But I’m here, and they… they will be soon”, she added, bringing his hand back to her belly. “You just need to choose. Not necessarily now. I’ll… wait for you; I’ll always wait for you.” Her vision was blurred. Was she crying too? ‘I miss you, Dimitri. I miss you so much. Please, don’t leave me alone anymore…’
She would wait until the end of time, if needed, to have a glimpse of her Dimitri back. She knew it, and it hurt. Because she was aware she’d never stop loving him. And, sometimes, to love means to wait. And, often, waiting is painful.
Lost in her tears, she didn’t immediately notice Dimitri’s hands softly caressing her cheeks. When she did, she opened her eyes to meet Dimitri’s resolute gaze. “And I’ll always choose you, my beloved.”
#thank u so muchhhh i hope the grammar is right oh my god#im so tired rn and writing in english is DIFFICULT#i have another ask with a prompt but ill work to it tomorrow#also guys why lately are you asking me about dimileth babies. even the other ask is about children#im 23 please dont make me think too much about having kids HELp#joking im appreciating these asks SO MUCH I LOVE UUU#dimileth#byleth eisner#dimitri alexandre blaiddyd#fe3h#my fic#dimileth fic#angst with a happy ending#<3#sothis ships dimileth
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ok ok ok watching scar's vod for last saturday's mcc while i do much-needed work. that's not important. what IS important is that i'm 23 mins into the beginning of the vod and someone just sent a dono sending luck from yellowstone because they had to work and scar is like (super excited)
"from yellowstone? do you work at yellowstone? [a gasp and like 5 full seconds of awed silence] yellowstone...i've been to yellowstone twice. i love yellowstone."
this is personally important to me specifically as the writer of firewatch au, since shoshone national forest literally borders yellowstone national park. about half the research i have done, especially about ecology, has to be for either yellowstone or "greater yellowstone ecosystem" because shoshone is so much less-visited that there is a lack of data and research available for it. yellowstone is one of the most iconic/most visited parks in the country, so there's a wealth of climate data, geological data, ecological studies, etc for me to pull from and it's close enough to shoshone for me to consider it all. scar's general reaction and love of yellowstone also means i completely unintentionally nailed certain parts of his characterization without even knowing it xD
#hc_firewatch_au#unfortunately scar also said later on that he doesnt think he would be able to travel to yellowstone again unless his breathing improves#because the high elevation would make it more difficult for him :(#but this entire reaction is so...perfectly wild to me#especially because i am writing the chapter rn that goes deepering to scar's character and why he's out here#so it's so fun to see that i just. nailed that. without meaning to LOL#like scar's character in the au had to be here one way or another ofc because i was always going to use the same setting#but it's kind of validating in a strange way that this applies irl too haha
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whoever's still hanging here, what's up?
#i'm questionably alive myself thanks.#i'm gonna be archiving here and likely merlin to start fresh. it's been too long.#i missed writing for fun and not for work and i missed you guys. and i missed my kids.#to be honest i had a difficult time. i've been sick most of the october and spent a bunch of time in the hospital.#and other than that it's been work and family and this course i started.#i honestly have no clue what's been happening on this site i wasn't even lurking.#that's why i think starting fresh is best.#but i super hope y'all are healthy and happy.#i will post new blogs as soon as i get everything in order.#as long as i even remember how to use this site for rping gbhfeds. it's been so long.#also the p*rn bot spam is horrendous. i had to block so many after my absence.
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Trying to get ahead of an unsustainability cycle that might be starting up this week,,, (I start work).
#this turned into a bit of a rant whoops#mypost#have been chilling recovering from breast reduction the last month#steadily helping my mom out around the house more and more#but neow imma be working a ~35hr week (not including commute times during rush hour rip)#starting tmr#and I’m remembering that 1) it takes me more time to shower bc I have to be careful with boobz. also I have to wash my bra every night bc da#scars can’t get infected. so the whole process of showering is connected to also washing and drying my bra and putting on lotions n such so#it takes an hour minimum#2) doing stuff for my mom… is always spontaneous and urgent and takes up more time/energy than I think#3) my mom is bad at food stuff on a personal level and that’s transferring to the household bc a lot of stuff including a) she’s hella busy#and stressed. b) the price of food 💀keeps goin up ayoo. c) she is restricting herself to only eating twice a day??? idk why????#d) she also considers a meal to be anything she throws together no matter how unbalanced/nontasty it is#e) I’m also so bad at cooking/meal prep/etc but lowkey have a Thing abt food rn and cannot eat random junk even if I’m v hungry#. all this to say: idk how to do my household duties (communicating with mom. nightly dishes. small stuff that builds) when I have a feeling#imma be hella hungry this whole week.#WAIT I FORGOT THO IMMA BE MAKING MONEYYYY 💰 💴 💵 so I can pay for lunch at work ayooo#((not thinking abt budgeting atm lol 😬. I’m fortunate enough to have a 529 plan for college so semester times are all g)#4) I’m also doing two coursera courses atm (personal finance for young adults and Good With Words) …. I will prob not be able to get much#done in these courses when I have a full week rip#5) I gotta prepare for abroad (applying for visa. dealing with large government structures 😭😭😭) and in general attend to my emails#all dis. hmm#oh and also personal upkeep: gotta order eczema lotion. gotta get in contact with doctors abt leg and jaw PT. gotta follow thru with PT.#falling behind on a productive schedule while balancing my moms needs and my needs and my long-term health/personal project stuff is gonna#be difficult…#hm#writing this out is. hm.#all g all g I am a young adult I gotta handle this stuff now 🧑#great freedom = great responsibility and all that shiz#FUCK I FORGOT I HAVE TO EXERCISE TOO FUCK!!!! DANG NABBIT
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Ok SO I've got some fishes I would like to share from the aquarium we went to a couple weeks ago. First here is my very very favorite fish. I have no idea what it was, but if I was naming it, it would be "patchwork quilt fish" because it looks like somebody just jammed 3 fish together. (Also here's a clownfish.)
And then there's THIS nightmare horror from the deep which apepared to have one red mouth and like 6 white eyes. I couldn't get a very good picture of this monster but trust me, it looks like it's about to start sucking out your blood while hypnotizing you with its 6 white eyes.
I have a request for a MacGyverism (maybe gone wrong? in a whumpy way? or maybe just a fact?) related to your chemistry homework. (Ok I literally have no idea what type of chemistry you're studying maybe this is impossilble in which case just.... whatever Mac thing strikes you.)
that fish just went thrifting and is showing off its outfit!! and ofc The Horrors™️
prompts
“Shit, shit-”
“Hoss-”
“Uh-” Mac shakes his head, having momentarily forgotten that he had his earpiece in. “How much time can you buy me?”
“I got three bullets and six assholes. Probably not as much as you need.”
“Can you at least keep them occupied?”
“I’ll do my best,” Jack mutters back. “What’s goin’ on?”
Mac swallows, glad that Jack can’t see what he’s seeing. “The casing is starting to erode.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
“It means that whatever container Moore was keeping the virus in, he chose the wrong one.”
“Can you fix it?”
“Temporarily, sure.”
“Good enough for me.”
Mac gives a nod to himself. He needs chemicals, and very specific ones. If the container starts leaking, which it inevitably will, he needs it to leak into an acid. The only problem is that he won’t be able to keep the solution acidic for long enough. At best, it’ll take a hazmat team hours to arrive.
Mac exhales, eyes running up and down the shelves of cleaning supplies. Too many of them are bases, but finally, his eyes settle on the vinegar.
Unfortunately, that’s only half the battle. Before he can use it for any type of temporary containment, he needs to create its conjugate base to keep the solution at the same pH.
“Water,” Mac mumbles.
“What’s that?”
“New plan. Let the rest of the guards do whatever they want. I need you to find me some water bottles.” Mac looks back down at the canister, now blistering and looking more than ready to burst. “And Jack?”
“Yep?”
“Do it fast.”
#we're doing very boring things (sorry chemists) rn so this was more difficult than i expected haha#but the short story is that buffers are made and buffers are cool because they prevent solutions from easily changing pH#why would this help a virus in a leaking container? who fucking knows. not me that's for sure lmao#anyway the equation to find the ph of a buffer solution is: pH = pKa + log([A-]/[HA]). just yknow. if anyone needed it kjkfsdkjsfd#in which vi actually writes#asks#rosieblogstuff#we love rosieblogstuff#macgyver#macgyver 2016#drabbles#prompts#technically buffers were from last unit's stuff (but we're still getting review questions from it)#right now we're doing things like finding the most acidic proton in a molecule and i just could not figure out why or how mac would manage#to do that in the field lol
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personally i feel short stories are the best vehicles for sci-fi because you can just drop amazing propositions for different worlds without feeling the "need" to "resolve" them to fit into the three-act structure of a novel/the god awful hero's journey format infesting sff
#ted chiang not writing a single novel. babygirl i Understand#sci fi#ofc not to say that all novels are three sct structures but sff is just so rigid when it comes to form that anything too experimental would#be difficult to publish. thats why horror is publishing the best sff rn. short stories u can just ask wouldnt it be so fucked up if this#happened and then peace out
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i am once again shaking myself upsidedown over my laptop in the hopes that the words i want to write come tumbling out of my ears
#since i can't type them normally maybe it'll work this time#HELLOOO BRAIN CAN WE PLEASE WRITE THANKS#please. please i just want to get through this ;;;#i want this chapter to be done!! but we're no where near ready yet!!!#we have so much to get through can we please get it written?? why must you fight me on this???#we only have about 1600/5000 words for this chapter so far ;;;;;;;#like in my brain's defense this is a ROUGH chapter right now#aside from just the topic and whats happening it's got to do a lot with the entire fox team#which just makes it technically difficult on top of what's actually happening#bc i know the foxes would be interjecting and all talking so i'm trying to give them all some time to add something in#but then it's like. we have to make sure they're in character enough. and what they say is in character.#and that we get some natural back-and-forth from them#kevin and dan are really carrying this chapter so far though. i love them.#they're carrying it by necessity rn and also probably later when the topic shifts just a bit#HGHHHH#shh ac#(wit)jitp
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i ffeel like im doing this wrong somehow but im not sure what about it is wrong or how i could improve it or if ive just been staring at it for too long and its actually fine
#txt157#i dont know why this is so much more difficult than the r over 2 comic#i feel like all things considered these two should be easier to write than what i was doing w ranma and akane#but for some reason its sooo much harder tho i think its the fear of being self serving#which i dont even need to get into why thats stupid ot be afraid of#i need to be done this thing NOWWWW so i can work on ku/wtu#where i can do no wrong because the rules are mine alone#its whatever only (checks poll) 12% of you are in any position to tell me i mischaracterized them#but i also think its bc it just isnt possible for me to show every facet of what im envisioning for the post canon dynamic#in this single scene#so it just comes off as way more cut and dry than id like#but i would have to do more to actuall yshow the full scope#and tbr rn i dont have any ideas for that.
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literally so fucked up that my fear of essays didnt just go away during the like 3 year gap i took from college
#im so Tired. why are essays so scary!!! hate that the fear didnt go away while i didnt have to write any for years#and rn im seriously asking myself if the difference between a F and a D is worth the effort of 2 rlly difficult essays.#bc im guaranteed to fail this specific course. the only question is if itll be an F or a D#p
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why is f2l so HARDDDDDD
#nabitxt#i’m struggling to write jeno’s rn#like why ? is it so ? difficult ? to write f2l ?#even tho all i’ve ever experienced are lowkey f2l like
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#nura rambles#idk somehow it's easier to tap on tumblr post button and type in tags then open the journal and write there#my friend met someone and they r already talking serious topics like marriage and stuff and i'm happy for her but it's also a sign that idk#time is ticking and our lives are progressing and changing#and i am once again filled w anxiety and regret?? and thinking that i missed smth and am continually missing smth lacking smth#and also i finally accepted the idea of it being my choice to stay here and that the moving abroad ambition wasn't mine after all and now#that i'm past that i can see another thing that is and was anxiety fuelling and that's this constant not fear but just silent notion that#if my so in the future happens to be not a man there's a huge possibility of us moving abroad cause i'd want my kids to be able to exist#lmao i'd want to be able to marry my partner#but like it's out of my control rn so why am i worrying about smth that might not even happen and making it a huge problem and isolating#myself even in my thoughts uhhhhhh i haven't realised until now that it's been worrying me constantly tbh#and when i tried telling my mom about my anxiety framing it as time passing worrying me because i think our family's life hasn't changed in#the past 5 years at all and it's depressing and that it shocks me that my friends are apparently soon gonna start marrying and their older#siblings did and are having babies now while i'm a nervous mess only now figured i have sad and lost winter months of past few years to it#and my older brother is apparently stuck has been for 5 years#and my parents aren't getting younger and her takeaway was that i'm thinking of marriage and it terrifies me lol#yeah mom u should think of it when u tell me my character is difficult and wonder how anyone will fit me??#anyways time isn't real and i think i'm a little baby#this week is so long jfc
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I am. so sorry I haven't had the energy to write more (I know I don't Need to apologize for it - esp since it has to do w my mental health, but I keep saying I will and then I'm unable) & to talk,, heading to the doctor soon so maybe we can sort of. figure out what's going on. in the meantime I'm still having many SAW thoughts but also ed//die mun//son is there (my beloved)
#at this point i might need to be back on antidepressants. this is starting to feel. yk. not good/dangerous territory#like im safe but having sh thoughts again is scaring the shit outta me#+ i mean like. it just. is exhausting to feel so bad all the time? and to not know why/how to fix it...#connor.vtxt#god. sorry#im just. tryin the best i can rn and i realizs that maybe i need to take another writing break#just cause ive produced a good amnt of writing for the past year & a half + i want to avoid burnout#its just difficult cause i have Sooooo many ideas i cant wait to write! i just gotta remember to. Relax yk?#not force myself. bc that is a very easy way for me to hate whatever i write#im also just veryyy tired of feeling like shit physically. like. idk what to do. i dont want ppl to think im just fuckin around#but it hurts to move and my stomach cramps are so intense i want to lay down & cry
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i started writing georgia’s fic again but i’m dragging myself through the pre-war prologue bc i want to get to the better & more interesting parts Now
#rae.txt#the only reason it’s boring to me rn is bc i’ve had these particular scenes in my head since 2018#so i’ve gone over their Vibes a million times but actually writing it out is 🙃#but it’s important to understand why georgia is the way she is + help understand her difficult feelings towards nate#fic talk: best laid plans
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repression is real funny bc I look like I'm totally good. I feel fine. no anxiety, I don't think I'm depressed, no suicidal ideation (since i was 7-8 but that was a result of circumstance not mental illness i think and haven't felt it since), never even self-harmed. but then I realize it might be because I don't think about any of it. not enough, at least, because when I do think about it, i always have a little cry session until it's onto the next distraction. fanfic, a daydream, a new hyperfixation. I have to have something no matter what.
further than this, when I'm not actively indulging in something I just feel nothing. that's normal, right? I'm not happy, or sad, or anything at all. it sounds like a bad thing but it doesn't feel like a bad thing. I say this to others and they pity me for feeling "numb" but numb is in and of itself a sensation, isn't it? feeling nothing is different, the absence of anything at all. it is my default state.
#ive GOT to be overthinking it /gen bc how could it be bad??? when nothing interesting is happening its normal to feel nothing isnt it#it doesnt feel bad. im not sad or unhappy in any way. its just nothing#feelings are so difficult to navigate esp bc im not emotionally intelligent at all. how am I supposed to know what is normal#when all i have are the experiences of some very traumatized people near me#and my own to compare them to?#vent#vent tw#also repression is a little unnerving and also strangely funny because I'm not certain if I can repress forever#i'm like feeling GREAT rn as long as I dont linger. and its not hard at all to avoid. but others tell me that inevitably these things will#boil over. i can't avoid forever even if it's so easy I didn't even realize I was avoiding until recently.#hence why I made this vent blog to kind of write down how i feel#i cant keep up with a journal (and a journal could be found)#this is super convenient
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