#which...I mean *sweats in useless gay with a type* | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

senorarelojes · 3 years

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Fic: If You Want (1/1)

A while back, I put up a post asking for writing prompts, so I'm slowly making my way through them. This is for the very lovely @what-could-have-been!

Summary: This prompt from @what-could-have-been: "Dave and Alan (who don't know each other yet) coincidentally happen to go to the gym at the same time. Throughout their exercise they keep eyeing each other on different machines. Then they end up in the showers also at the same time (surprise!), Dave drops his soap or something else on the floor and Alan comes to "help". Aaaand you can probably guess the rest... I was also thinking they could be in their mid-20's or so?” Rating: Mature Notes: (In my head, this is early Music for the Masses era DM)

Alan liked Ultra Fitness because it was ten minutes away from his workplace, plus it was also along the way home. So it gave him less of an excuse to skip his workouts. Besides, he was already starting to see the results from his frequent visits. His arms were getting nicely sculpted and garnering compliments from the women in his office, and he could see the beginnings of a six pack in the mirror if he held in his stomach enough. So he made it a habit to keep going after work, even though it was more crowded at that timing.

Before he had ever stepped foot in a gym, Alan had been a bit apprehensive about the type of clientele that frequented gyms - for example, those beefy blokes with necks thicker than their heads who looked like they ate guys like Alan for breakfast. But to his surprise, most of the people at Ultra Fitness were nice, friendly and tended to mind their own business, which was a big bonus in Alan’s book. There were also all sorts of regulars, from the afore-mentioned beefy types to those who were just starting out and looked just as nervous as Alan initially had been. But overall, most of them looked like regular people, just like Alan himself.

By now, Alan had definitely become familiar with a few other people at the gym. There was Daryl, the manager at the reception who seemed to know everyone, as well as Martin and Fletch, two friends who mostly came to use the swimming pool or join the Zumba classes. “Great way to meet women,” Fletch had told Alan once with a wink, waggling his eyebrows as Martin had laughed in agreement. Alan had only smiled; he didn’t like flirting with women (or men) at the gym, thinking that people probably didn’t want to be hit on when they were breathless or sweaty. He himself didn’t want to be disturbed: he would just come in, say hello to Daryl as he signed in, grab a locker, pop in his noise-cancelling earbuds and do his workout in peace. That was his routine, and it only ever deviated if he stopped for a chat with Martin and Fletch at the water dispenser.

However, one day he came back from his workout to find a strange tattooed bloke trying to open his locker.

“Er, can I help you?” Alan said, as the man fiddled uselessly with the lock.

He jumped in surprise when Alan spoke to him. “Oh, sorry. I can’t seem to open my locker,” the bloke said, holding up his access card. The lockers at the gym were first come, first serve, and Alan had a special liking for Locker 101, which was located in a far corner, nearer to the shower stalls. Half the time, it wasn’t taken and he was able to grab it for himself. Alan often wondered who was the other person who seemed to like it just as much as he did, and sometimes beat him to it.

Alan flashed the man an apologetic smile. “Sorry mate, think you’re mistaken. It’s mine today,” he explained, holding up his own card to the lock as it whirred for a moment, then clicked open.

“Fuck!” The tattooed bloke was laughing now, face a little red with embarrassment. “Sorry-- it’s just that I usually snag 101, I must have forgotten today.”

“So it’s you,” Alan said with a laugh, before realising the tattooed guy was looking at him with curiosity. “I mean-- never mind.”

The bloke was smiling at him now. He had a really nice smile, which made him look rather boyish even though he seemed to be around Alan’s age. “Well, wish me luck in finding my locker, then,” he said, dropping Alan a wink.

“Good luck, mate.” Alan couldn’t resist watching him walk away in his fitting gym shorts - it was quite a view - as he began taking out his belongings for a shower.

***

After that, Alan began to notice the tattooed bloke around the gym more often. Like Alan, he did a fair bit of weight-lifting, but he also joined the group classes with Martin and Fletch, the three of them chatting and laughing with many of the female regulars after class. Alan found himself watching them at times, wondering how weird it would be for him to ask Mart and Fletch for Tattooed Bloke’s name. Sometimes he would catch Tattooed Bloke watching him in the mirror too, but Alan never seemed to be able to catch him, Martin and Fletch at the right time.

Thankfully, Alan finally learned his name when he was late to the gym one day, finding Daryl already in conversation with Tattooed Bloke at the reception. “Oh hey Charlie,” Daryl said when he spotted Alan, nodding at him as he handed him a towel. “Got held up at the office?”

“Something like that,” Alan replied, glancing over at Tattooed Bloke who was regarding Alan with great interest.

“Your name is Charlie?” he asked, a grin slowly growing on his face. “Was wondering what your name was, but I didn’t peg you for a ‘Charlie’.”

You were wondering what my name was? Alan wanted to ask, but instead he said, “I’m actually Alan, but Daryl got a kick out of my middle name when he did my membership card.”

“C’mon Dave, don’t you agree with me? Doesn’t ‘Charlie’ suit him a lot better than ‘Alan’?” Daryl asked the tattooed bloke, who was just grinning as his gaze rove up and down Alan’s body.

“Dunno, mate,” Dave said, his eyes lingering on Alan’s arms. “A rose by any other name, y’know?”

Daryl rolled his eyes. “You’re useless,” he complained, throwing a towel in Dave’s face as Alan chuckled.

Taking the towel away, Dave seemed hesitant, like he had something else to say to Alan. Unfortunately, the announcement for the start of the Zumba class blared through the gym’s speakers at that moment, leaving Dave grimacing in frustration.

“I’ll see you around, Charlie,” Dave told him with a wave, before he ran off to the dance studio.

***

Now that Alan knew Dave’s name and they’d been sort of introduced, he found himself wondering what would be a non-cheesy way to strike up a conversation with Dave on the gym floor. They would run into each other quite often; if Alan was using the squat rack, Dave would appear soon after and wait for his turn, often offering to spot Alan. Alan wanted to do the same when it came to Dave’s turn, but Dave seemed to have no end of friends at the gym who volunteered to spot him as well, so Alan had no reason to hang around unless he wanted to look like a lecher, drooling over Dave lifting weights.

That didn’t stop him from watching, though. Alan was very, very good at being very, very sneaky, and he used his abilities to his advantage, watching Dave doing deadlifts in the ubiquitous mirrors around the gym, Dave’s tattoos darkened by his sweat, his muscles gleaming as he huffed and pulled on the bar, his perfectly coiffed hair tumbling over his forehead as he bent down to re-rack the weights. Men like Dave were the reason Alan decided he might not be entirely straight, and that his experimentation in uni hadn’t been just a phase.

However, he still lacked the ability to tell if other blokes were straight, gay, bi or whatever else. Alan thought Fletch and Daryl were unequivocally straight, while Martin definitely pinged his gaydar - not that Alan was interested. As for Dave, he was still a huge question mark as far as Alan was concerned. Dave seemed to watch him a lot, but Dave also flirted with the ladies in yoga class as easily as breathing. So Alan decided to mind his own business, unless Dave made a move first.

After a particularly gruelling workout one evening - Alan really hated leg days - he pushed himself to the showers, picking his favourite stall at the corner and draping his towel over the door. The warm water felt like a relief on his shoulders, which were still sore from yesterday’s workout, and he groaned a little as he rolled his shoulders under the hot shower, cracking his neck before he went about shampooing his hair.

He was just done rinsing his hair when he heard someone stepping into the cubicle beside his, shutting the door and starting their own shower. Whoever it was had a nice voice, humming something that sounded like Sigur Ros. Alan listened absently as he slicked his hair with conditioner, wondering if he should get a haircut soon. His hair was getting a little too long to style into a quiff, and he wondered if he should ignore Flood’s advice and get an undercut this time.

He was just done rinsing out the conditioner when he heard someone curse, “Fuck!” as something clattered to the floor, sliding under the partition over to Alan’s stall. It was a bottle of Axe body wash, which the bloke beside him must have dropped.

Alan picked it up, holding it under the partition that separated their stalls. “This yours, mate?” he asked, but the bloke had already stepped out of his stall and was knocking on Alan’s door.

“Sorry, could you pass me my soap?” he asked, and Alan sighed before he stood up, opening the door to hand him the bottle.

His eyes widened when he saw it was a very wet and very naked Dave, who seemed just as surprised - and pleased - when he saw it was Alan. “Oh, it’s you, Charlie.”

Alan couldn’t stop his eyes from roaming even if someone had a gun to his head. He took in the clear view of Dave’s few tattoos, his smooth chest, his tight brown nipples, the heavy cock between his legs. “Uh, this is yours,” Alan said dumbly after a billion years had passed, holding out the bottle of body wash to Dave like a moron.

Dave licked his lips, stepping forward and backing Alan right into his shower stall again. “Mmm, thanks for your help, mate.” Dave was staring openly at Alan’s mouth now, his tongue running over his lower lip. “Reckon you could help me with something else?”

Alan was breathing hard, taking in Dave’s nearness and his brazen confidence, his seeming certainty in Alan’s attraction. “Help you with what?”

Dave finally took the body wash from him, tipping some into his hands and lathering them into a foam, smiling wickedly at Alan as he did so. “Help me soap up my back, yeah? It’s so hard to reach.”

Alan was distantly aware that this felt like some kind of porn scenario, but he couldn’t care less as he grabbed the shower gel from Dave, soaping up his own hands before he leaned in and kissed Dave hungrily, his soapy hands roaming all over Dave’s back. Dave moaned softly into his mouth, his hands running all over Alan’s chest before rubbing at his nipples, making Alan gasp into their kiss.

“Fuck, wanted you for ages,” Dave breathed out before nipping at Alan’s lips again, guiding them both under the stream of water. It was all so slick and hot and steamy, frotting against some handsome stranger in the gym shower stalls where anyone could walk past and hear their moans and gasps. As hard as Alan tried to be quiet, it became impossible when Dave wrapped a soap-slick hand around his cock, pumping him in swift efficient strokes that had Alan’s knees weakening in the shower.

“C’mon, Charlie, c’mon,” Dave whispered against the shell of his ear, his own cock pressed against Alan’s hip, hard and hot and insistent. Alan wanted so badly to wrap his hand around it, put it in his mouth, but he lost all train of thought when Dave bit down on his neck, his hand speeding up on Alan’s cock as he came all over Dave’s stomach in a hushed moan.

“Fuck, you’re so hot,” Dave nuzzled against Alan’s cheek with a soft gasp, Alan reaching down for a few clumsy strokes before warm spurts of come landed on his hip, quickly washed away by the stream of water.

They were both panting now, arms loosely wrapped around each other, Dave’s back still covered with soap. Once Alan realised this, he grabbed Dave by the shoulders to angle him towards the water and get it washed off. Dave initially was filled with panic, as though afraid Alan would shove him out of his stall. But once he figured out what Alan was up to, he laughed and pressed a kiss to the side of Alan’s head. His lips felt warm, nice.

“Can I take you out to dinner?” Dave asked quietly, rubbing slow circles over Alan’s shoulder. “I swear I wanted to take you out first before doing this, but-- fuck, you looked so fuckin’ irresistable, mate. All warm and wet, y’know?”

Alan had to chuckle in agreement. “Yeah, I do know.”

Dave pulled away to look at him. His eyes - green? brown? - were serious as they regarded Alan. “So it’s a yes to dinner, then?”

Alan rolled his eyes. “If you haven’t clued in to the fact that I just got you off in the shower, then I don’t know what to say.”

“Idiot.” Dave flashed him a sunny, relieved grin as he ducked out of the shower stall. “I’ll see you outside, then.”

***

Dave was waiting for Alan at the reception counter, chatting animatedly with Martin, Fletch and Daryl. However, he straightened up immediately when he spotted Alan, ignoring all of his friends at a drop of a hat. “Hey Charlie.”

Fletch was frowning deeply in confusion. “Wait, isn’t his name Alan?”

Alan shrugged at Fletch, smiling when Dave came up to him and took his hand in his, making everyone’s eyebrows shoot up to the ceiling. “A rose by any other name, y’know?” Alan quipped, grinning at a stunned Fletch.

“Hey, that’s my line,” Dave said with a laugh, tugging Alan by the hand and out the door. “Don’t wait up, fellas.”

#dalan #fanfic #fanfiction #clockies' crap #gym prompt #this is dedicated to my gym #there are actually two guys in my gym who are quite touchy feely with each other

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artificialqueens · 4 years

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Malibu (Trixya) - DenDenMonMon

Of Lovers, Friends and Everything in Between. Part 4.- Picnic

Title: Malibu Category: F/F Summary: You’ll be fine, when you learn to move slow. Notes: If you are anything like me, you have had Malibu on repeat ever since Trixie released the single, and, since I can’t get it out of my head, well, this story came to life lol Written: Feb 2nd-3rd, 2020.

Malibu

Trixie hated Tinder, or any dating app for that matter.

Being a gay woman turned her into a target in those platforms. She’d lost count of how many men had offered to ‘change’ her, or the amount of couples that wanted to ‘spice things up’ in the bedroom. Those were the kind of comments that made her leave the app, and forget about it for months, until loneliness hit her again. It usually happened during a Friday or Saturday night, when most of her friends were out having fun, and she found herself eating cheese curds alone in her living room, with nothing good to watch on TV. That was when she would go through the cluster of apps she had labeled as ‘useless’, and click on the infamous flaming icon.

When she promised to take care of her family’s beach house for the weekend, she thought it was going to be so much fun. LA people had proven to be wild, and everybody was supposed to be beyond beautiful in Malibu, but, either her standards were too high or she had been lied to her entire life. Profile after profile and she couldn’t find a single soul that called her attention.

Just when she was about to close the app and maybe take care of herself out of pure boredom, an image appeared.

The blonde girl smiled widely at her with insanely white teeth. Her blue eyes pierced Trixie’s, making her feel as if she were drowning in their depths. There was only one picture, and the obligatory name at the bottom said Katya next to the number thirty-four, stating the girl’s age. Trixie didn’t remember having changed the age range on the thing, she never dated anybody more than five years older than her. Everything seemed off, a bit too suspicious. Nonetheless, she clicked the space that would tell her more about the person. Laughing, she finally swiped right when she read the bio, which could be called anything but that.

Take me to the beach somewhere so I can meet my dead dad.

It was a match. Trixie’s first message had been a joke about absent parents and her being alone in the beach house. Katya replied right away. The string of laughing emojis had seemed a bit of an exaggeration but, after a short exchange, Trixie was already inviting her for lunch the next day.

That was the reason why she was preparing a picnic basket, for them to eat out on the sand. Her favorite pink gingham cloth was folded and placed on top of cucumber sandwiches and fresh fruit. Right after she put a bottle of chilled wine in the basket, the doorbell rang.

With a deep sigh, Trixie rubbed her sweaty palms on the skirt of her dress, and checked her hair on the distorted reflection of the fridge. The heels of her sandals resounded loud in the open space of the living room, she liked that, it made her feel extra feminine. As if the pink flowy dress, the many layers of makeup, and the styled curls were not sufficient statement of that.

Even when she had seen the one picture of the girl, she had not been expecting the person that showed up at her front door. Katya was an unconventional kind of absolute gorgeous. She was shorter than Trixie, and her black chucks didn’t help to increase her height. She wore matching black jeans and an oversized gray t-shirt, the round neck of it was slightly darkened with sweat.

“I just drove forty-five minutes on the Pacific Coast Highway, so this better be a good lay,” were the first words Katya pronounced.

Trixie’s eyes widened in surprise. “Oh, wow! I–”

Before she could continue, the girl burst out laughing. Her hand reached to get a hold of Trixie’s forearm as she shook her head. “I’m joking!” Her face suddenly turned serious as her grip turned tighter. “It can be medium good, I’m not picky.” Without giving Trixie a second the reply she was laughing again. “No, I’m just kidding.”

“You are, like… a lot, aren’t you?” Trixie struggled to find words to describe the ball of energy slightly bouncing in front of her. For a moment, she was afraid her unfiltered mouth had insulted the girl she had just met, but luckily it wasn’t the case.

“Oh, Momma! You haven’t seen anything yet,” the girl promised as she let go of Trixie and extended her hand. “Hi, I’m Katya.” The smile that she shot Trixie was brighter than the sun burning above them, and warmer too.

Chills ran down Trixie’s spine as she took Katya’s hand, feeling electricity running through her veins as she shook it. “I’m Trixie. Hello.”

“Oof,” Katya winced, shaking her head and physically taking a step back, away from Trixie. “You need to work on your greeting. That was way too aggressive.”

A scream left Trixie unannounced. She threw her head back in joy as a small ‘you bitch’ left her mouth. She wasn’t complaining, though. Their interaction had been entertaining, to say the least. Trixie could already feel herself liking Katya right from the intro. She invited her in with a smile nailed to her mouth, and a giddy feeling invading her body. It was unlike anything she had felt before, never in her twenty-seven years on Earth had another human made her feel so nervous, yet incredibly comfortable. She was really good at reading people, she could quickly put them in categories and know if they were gonna click or not. Katya was in a category of her own. Trixie, as much as she wanted, couldn’t find a mental compartment where she could place Katya.

The blonde wavy hair bounced with Katya’s steps as she moved around the house. “So, you are rich. I mean, like, Richie Rich rich, huh?” She looked at the expensive furniture, extending and retrieving her hand, almost as if she were scared to touch and ruin anything.

“Not even,” Trixie answered with a roll of her eyes. “My family is, but they always made it very clear that it was their money, not mine.”

Katya nodded, her lips pursing slightly. “Alright. I respect that.” She stopped her examination of the room to look at Trixie. “You’ve got any plans for today?” She stuffed her hands in her pockets, fully indicating she had no idea what to do next.

“I thought we could have a picnic, outside by the water,” Trixie replied proudly, she had thought things through carefully. She started walking, making her way towards the kitchen, wordlessly asking the girl to follow her. “Hopefully, you will like what I made.“ She picked up the basket and looked over her shoulder, just to confirm that Katya was indeed walking right behind her.

“Do-do you have any water?” Katya seemed almost anxious as she asked. “I-I don’t drink,” she said pushing her chin towards the basket, where the neck of a bottle stuck out from.

Trixie quickly apologized for not asking, taking the wine out and putting it on the table. She opened the refrigerator and leaned forward. Her short dress was sure to ride up at the position. She could only hope Katya liked what she saw as Trixie pretended to find something else to drink.

“Would you like some kombucha?” She asked as innocently as possible, noticing how Katya’s eyes bolted back to her face.

“Absolutely not,” Katya spoke punctuating her words. It sounded like she was approving of the beverage until the last word was spoken. “I would rather drink the salt water straight from the ocean than that hipster excuse of a drink.”

With a roll of her eyes, Trixie put the glass bottle back to its place. “It’s really good for you, FYI. It has all these–” she turned around, and stopped midsentence when she noticed Katya was no longer in the room. Stretching her neck, Trixie saw that Katya had walked out through the sliding doors and was impatiently waiting for her.

“Come on!” She encouraged as she started walking, the basket dangling in her hand as she easily carried it with her.

Despite the small shake of her head, Trixie found herself smiling. She followed Katya’s path and reached her just when Katya was done setting the sheet down. Trixie dropped next to her on the pink and white piece of fabric, removed her sandals and extended her legs, hoping to get them at least a little bit tanned. Her hand dug into the basket and took out a small container with grapes, offered them to Katya, who gratefully took a handful, before relaxing on her spot.

“What is it that you do, then?” Katya asked around a mouthful of fruit. “How do you make your own money?”

“I’m a hair and makeup artist,” Trixie said with a smile. She loved her job and could talk about it for hours. Katya, however, didn’t seem like the type of person that could hear about hair and makeup for hours. “What about you? You have like zero information on your profile.” Trixie rested her chin on her own shoulder, squinting to get a better view of Katya, who sat on her heels next to her.

There was a sigh and a groan as Katya physically deflated, before she uttered an actual reply. “I just hate those things, you know? I never know what to say. Like, I can’t say I’m a good person. Good people don’t say they are good people! Honestly, I just wanted to put actual facts like: I’m this old, this tall, I weigh this much, and I’m in this area.”

Trixie tilted her head in wonder. “Are you a kitten up for adoption?”

The sounds that came out of Katya were frightening and charming, all at the same time. It was a genuine laughter that sounded more like an old squeaky toy. She spotted a napkin and tried to throw it at Trixie, but the wind pushed it to land on Katya’s lap instead. They both laughed openly, freely, happily. The conversation flowed easily from that point on. They touched on the most basic topics, from immediate family to likes and dislikes. They ate with the sound of the crashing waves as background noise.

It didn’t take an expert to notice they were complete opposites, but it didn’t bother Trixie. She liked the simplicity with which Katya talked about complex subjects. She would quickly jump from one thing to another, seemingly unrelated, but Trixie was sure there was some connection between topics that only Katya understood. If she could have one wish granted, Trixie would like to see inside of Katya’s head, witness how the information bounced off of the walls of her skull, tangled with the wiring of her brain, before coming out of her mouth at a rapid speed.

Something warm filled Trixie’s chest. She had no idea what it was, but it was a nice feeling. She liked the sense of comfort and instant connection she had with the girl bending in laughter next to her. Trixie wanted to run her hand through Katya’s hair, let her fingers caress those sharp cheekbones, touch every single one of her soft curves and create a mental map of her body. Katya was so beautiful, so smart, so out of her league.

“Why did you agree to meet me?” Trixie suddenly asked without even thinking about it. She sat up straight, realizing she really wanted to know the answer. “Like, I’m clearly not your type, why did you even swipe right?”

The question took Katya by surprise. Her eyes opened wide as she stared at Trixie intensely. Although, Trixie had to wonder if there was anything about Katya that wasn’t intense.

“Okay, first of all, you don’t even know what my type is.” Katya pointed an accusative finger at Trixie before continuing. “I don’t have a type. Never had. I like people, and I like sex even more, preferebly with people.” She extended her hands in front of her, as if highlighting the relation between the two. “Now, about you. I don’t know. I liked your tits, and then you got my Contact reference… I knew I had to meet you after that.” She punctuated the end of her speech with an approving nod.

Trixie’s nose scrunched up. “What reference?”

“The dead dad on the beach one?”

“I have no idea what you are talking about.”

Katya’s mouth opened in surprise. “Contact? Jodie Foster?” She asked, getting a head shake in return to each of her questions. “Didn’t you message me about wanting to meet your dad, who was dead, at the beach somewhere?”

“Yeah, ‘cause I never met my dad, so he’s probably dead, and I’m currently staying in Malibu.”

“Oh, my God!” Katya brought her hands to her hair as she yelled. “I can’t believe this. It’s all a lie. I’ve been tricked. When were you planning to tell me? When–” The rest of the question died on her lips as Trixie’s mouth crashed with her.

It was clumsy at first, Katya wasn’t done ranting, and Trixie was only trying to shut her up. Their faces bumped into each other a couple of times before they both relaxed and finally kissed. Trixie sucked Katya’s bottom lip, biting slightly. The sound that came out of Katya was so sexy that Trixie had to press her thighs together, putting pressure where she needed it the most. The moment didn’t go unnoticed by Katya. Her hands landed on Trixie’s hips, pulling her to a kneeling position. Their torsos pressed together, breasts rubbing to the erratic movements of their heavy breathing.

Trixie felt turned on beyond knowledge, all she knew how to identify were Katya’s lips wrapped around hers. Katya tasted sweet and salty, like the fruit they had shared mixed with the breeze of the ocean. There was an almost unidentifiable flavor, a strong aftertaste that lingered in Trixie’s tongue after it ran against Katya’s.

“Do you smoke?” Trixie asked against Katya’s lips, not breaking the kiss, but pulling away enough to speak.

Katya’s hand ran up Trixie’s thigh, squeezing slightly. “Would you mind if I said yes?”

Gasping to the touch of Katya’s cold hand, Trixie threw her head back. “As long as you don’t…” She lost her train of thought as Katya’s hand went higher. “If you do– oh!” She yelped as a finger ran against her underwear. “God, just fuck me, okay?” Her knees spread, giving Katya better access.

“Not here, though,” Katya spoke as she kissed Trixie’s chin. “This is not exactly a private beach.”

Trixie opened one eye, among the fog of desire she could see the figures of a family playing ball. “Fine. Let’s go inside.”

Taking Katya by the hand, Trixie stood up and started walking towards the house. She didn’t care about the stuff they were leaving behind. Nothing really occupied her mind other than having Katya on top of her, inside of her, all around her. She could feel her legs shaking with expectation. It had been a long time since she last had sex, but she wasn’t nervious. She, somehow, knew she could trust Katya. They seemed to have some sort of astral connection, and Trixie wondered how they could apply that nonverbal communication in the bedroom.

Unfortunately, the bedroom proved to be too far away. As soon as they entered the kitchen through the glass doors, the kissing restarted. Trixie pushed her own back against the nearest wall and allowed Katya to press her entire body on top of hers. It was all too much. The heat emanating Katya tickled her skin, making Trixie shiver. Their mouths attacked each other as hands landed on every spot of uncovered skin.

Katya snaked her hands under Trixie’s dress and squeezed her ass, forcing Trixie to release her mouth as she gasped in pleasure. Katya caressed the soft skin of her butt lovingly, taking her time to enjoy the feeling of the fleshy cheeks under her fingers.

“I’m gonna eat you out now, is that okay?”

Trixie could do nothing but nod at such formal request. Still in disbelief, she saw how Katya dropped to her knees. Her big smile was the last thing Trixie saw before her eyes shut by themselves. Katya’s hands found the hem of Trixie’s dress and lifted the skirt, before disappearing inside and pulling the small thong down slowly. Trixie felt a finger running up and down her entrance, circling around where she so desperately needed to be touched.

“Katya, please,” Trixie shamelessly begged, and it worked.

She felt the wet tongue pushing flat against her most sensitive spot. Her knees bent slightly, she extended her arms and tried to find support between the glass door and the cabinets next to her. Katya licked her skillfully. Her lips sucked and released her just right, her tongue flicked at the perfect pace. And as if fucking her with her mouth wasn’t enough, Katya pushed a finger inside without warning. Trixie screamed loudly, thankful that the houses were fairly far apart so the neighbours couldn’t hear them. Her sounds only grew higher in pitch as another finger was introduced, and then a third.

Time fully stopped as Trixie sunk down on Katya’s fingers, pleasuring herself at the rhythm she wanted. Her senses felt on the edge of an overload as Katya ate her out simultaneously.

“Pluh-please, stop,” Trixie asked, panting.

In a quick move, Katya removed the dress from around her head with her free hand. “What? What’s wrong?”

“I’m gonna cum.”

“Then why you asked me to stop, bitch?”

Trixie looked to the side, almost shying away from the question. “I don’t wanna… not like this, not without you.”

Sighing deeply, Katya removed her hand carefully, and stood up. “So you are one of those lesbians, huh? You don’t wanna fuck, you want to make love.” She drawled the last word, making fun of the concept.

“Excuse me?” Trixie didn’t try to hide the annoyance in her voice.

Katya took the short sleeve of her shirt and tried to dry her chin as she spoke. “C’mon. You know what I mean. I thought we were just gonna get laid, and you put together a-a stupid picnic date? For fuck’s sake. Who does that? Gross.”

“Well, I’m sorry if I wanted to do something nice for us.”

“For us?” Katya spun around with her hands in the air. “There is no us, Brenda! We literally just met. We talked once, on a hook up app. We were not even having the same conversation! I thought it was all about Contact and you were spilling your childhood trauma. What the fuck! How did you even get picnic from that?”

Crossing her arms on top of her chest, Trixie distanced herself from Katya. It took every cell of will power to step away from her underwear without picking it up, and Trixie still didn’t know if leaving it there was less shameful.

“You need to leave.”

“Oh, but we were just gonna make playlists that reminded us of our first date.” Katya pouted theatrically, stomping her feet hard on the ground.

Trixie didn’t appreciate the sarcasm. “Now!” She shouted, pointing towards the door.

Without another word, Katya stormed out, slamming the door behind herself. Trixie stared at the piece of wood, expecting something from it without knowing what it was. She breathed deeply once, twice, the third time never came. A sob cut through her chest, coming out in a guttural scream. Katya was right. Trixie was smitten since the moment she laid eyes on Katya, and not even in person, just one look at the single picture and she was gone. She understood then that the first step of being let down was getting her hopes up. It had to stop.

One day. Trixie allowed herself one day to wallow. It wasn’t even about Katya, she reasoned. She needed a moment to analyze her motives, then she would pick the pieces back up and move on with her life. Her mind was blank for the entire day. She turned off her phone, put on some baking show on Netflix, and ate microwave popcorn straight from the bag. It had been a day of nothing but self pity and indulging in all the things she knew were bad for her.

Monday came and reality kicked back in. She went to her job at the studio and tried to entertain conversation with B-list celebrities as she got them ready for their low ratings shows. That was something she was good at, something she was confident about. Just like that, she fell back into a routine and the pity party was left behind. At least for the rest of the week. Once Friday reached her again, and she was in no mood to look after her drunk friends, she felt loneliness wanting to creep back in.

Her fingers found the useless folder and clicked on the app by themselves. Between the many unread messages sitting on her inbox, the red bubble next to Katya’s face called her attention. She opened the conversation, just to make the notification go away, but what she saw was something she hadn’t expected. There was a string of messages from Katya asking her to talk, the last one left her phone number, notifying Trixie that would be her last attempt and she should call her if she felt like it.

It took less than a minute of pondering before the call was already connecting.

Katya picked up on the third ring, just when Trixie was about to hang up.

“Who is this? I don’t have this number saved. Are you a scammer?”

Trixie had to laugh at Katya’s words, that were in no shape or form a greeting. Apparently, her laughter worked as an introduction because Katya’s voice immediately changed.

“Trixie, is that you? Fuck. I didn’t think you were gonna call.”

“Hello,” Trixie said as softly as possible, remembering what Katya had said about working on her greeting.

“Hey, that’s so much better! Hi. Listen, I want… please, don’t hang up. I will go straight to the point. I’m sorry. I was rude and mean, and you didn’t deserve all the fucked up things that I said to you.”

A small smirk was slowly forming on her lips. “Go on,” Trixie encouraged her.

Even when she couldn’t see her, Trixie could tell Katya was also smiling by now. “I like you, I like you a lot. This is just so new to me. I’m used to, you know, using the hook up app to hook up. I went there looking for a one time thing, not to, like, stay. Never expected to find… you. I’ve never been with a type like you before.”

For a moment, Trixie wished she was using a land line. She so desperately wanted to twist her finger around the phone cord. “And what is my type?”

“You know, pretty girls who are out of this world funny. All the hyper-femmes I’ve found are hot on the body but empty in the head; and boring. God, you have no idea how boring hot girls can be.” A frustrated groan escaped her, but she recovered right away, as if the actual reason for the call had suddenly hit her. “I just… could you, maybe, give me another chance? It’s stupid but all I can think about is being in Malibu with you again. I’ll prepare the dumb picnic this time. Although, I can’t promise we won’t be eating, like, old batteries and drinking Red Bulls. That’s probably all the things that can be found in my bag right now, but–”

“Oh, my God! Stop!” Trixie shouted between giggles. “If what you wanted was to annoy me into accepting, you can stop now.”

Katya’s whizzing laughter travelled through miles and miles until it digitally filled Trixie’s ears.

“So, is that a yes? Can we give it another go?”

“Yes, you idiot. I’ll go out with you again.”

“Marvellous, darling! Pick you up tomorrow, same place?”

On her end of the line, Trixie shook her head. “I actually live in Century City. You can pick me up here and we’ll go to Malibu. We can even work on those playlists on our way.”

Loud laughter was heard before Katya spoke again. “Deal. Bring the Red Bulls, I’ll bring the batteries.”

Trixie smiled, pressing her cheek against the cold glass of her cellphone. “Please, don’t feed me batteries. We can go to a restaurant or something.”

“No,” Katya stated solemnly. “We’ll have a picnic. That’s gonna be our thing, I’ve declared it. See you tomorrow, then?”

“See you tomorrow. Good night.” Just before she hung up, Trixie heard Katya calling her name. “Yeah?”

“We’ll be fine. Let’s just take it slow, okay?”

“Okay,” Trixie agreed. “We’ll be fine,” she repeated, more to herself than the emptiness coming from the device, indicating that the call had ended. “I’ll be fine.”

#rpdr fanfiction #trixya #trixie mattel #katya zamolodchikova #smut #lesbian au #of lovers #dendenmonmon #submission

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alonelily · 5 years

Text

Who the hell is Frank?

Matt sits up on the bed (the way people sit up when they’ve been caught making out with someone but are trying to make it seem like everything’s normal and they didn’t actually have someone else’s tongue down their throat two literal seconds ago) and says: “Oh, this is my roommate Foggy”, while gesturing at Foggy, and then “Foggy, this is my husband, Frank”. “Hi,” says Frank. “What,” says Foggy.

----------

Foggy has known Matt for a while now, which just makes it all the more confusing to find out that Matt is freaking married.

Read on AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14849588

College is not what Foggy expected. He’s always had a really specific image of what university would be like. He imagined that it would be a place of learning, filled with sophisticated, intellectual people. He imagined that it would be a place riddled with social opportunities: classmates, clubs and expansive friend groups. Reality is somewhat different. For one, people aren’t very sophisticated at all. It turns out Columbia is mostly filled with the same type of people he went to high school with, just with more money and legal access to alcohol. College also isn’t turning out to be the grand social experience Foggy hoped it would be. Maybe there are interesting clubs to join, or cool classmates to hang out with, but Foggy wouldn’t know. Foggy does not have time to socialise. Foggy has five essays due by the end of this week. He has written zero essays so far this week. It is Thursday.

But not all of the many surprises of college are turning out to be bad. For example, Foggy wasn’t expecting to find pre-law this interesting. When he filled out his application he’d picked the topic more or less on a whim, and he hadn’t been sure it would suit him. It would in some ways have been much easier to simply follow the career path his mother had so meticulously laid out for him. He still thinks he would have made a good butcher, but also, he’s starting to figure out that law does suit him, and that’s a pretty exciting feeling. One that’s worth more to him than free cured meats.

Another pleasant surprise regarding college is Foggy’s roommate. Before coming here he heard all sorts of horror stories about the dorms, which, yeah, a lot of them are true—it’s been a good two weeks since there wasn’t a brain-numbingly loud party in the room across from theirs going on well into morning—but Matt is turning out to be a pretty great roommate. Actually, he’s turning out to be a pretty great friend. Really, he’s kind of Foggy’s only friend, but still. Even if Foggy had other friends, he’s still pretty sure Matt would be his best friend.

They’re going into their second term now, so they’ve known each other for almost six months, a fact which is cheerfully celebrated by taking a few hours’ break from furious essay writing and going out for drinks. Maybe it’s the alcohol, or maybe it’s the three consecutive all-nighters Foggy’s pulled, but he’s feeling slightly sentimental about the occasion. As their friend-semi-anniversary rolls around, Foggy can’t help but remember the good times they’ve had this past semester: all the parties that neither of them were invited to, the nights spent in, the nights spent out, all the times Foggy tried (and the few times he succeeded) to talk Matt into hustling frat boys at pool (how a blind guy can be such a genius at pool, Foggy still doesn’t know). Foggy remembers talking to Matt about everything from the dumb small stuff to the big heavy stuff. He remembers drunkenly confessing his weird insecurities and feelings of inadequacy, and he remembers Matt just as drunkenly assuring him that he’s “like, the best guy ever. Seriously, just like such a great guy, and if people can’t see that then they’ve gotta be blind or something” before they both realised what he said and fell into a fit of giggles.

So they’re friends. Not the kind who hang out a lot in college and then never talk to each other again after graduation. No, they’re going to be stuck with each other for a long time. Forever, Foggy suspects, and doesn’t mind a damn bit. The point is, it’s safe to say that they know each other pretty well by now, which is why Foggy is just a little bit surprised to find out, six months into their friendship, that Matt’s fucking married.

Here’s how the revelation happens: it’s the day after Matt and Foggy’s friend-semi-anniversary. Pretty normal day. Standard classes. Standard migraine-inducing stress. The normalness of the day begins to taper off when Foggy arrives back at their dorm room in the afternoon. He doesn’t knock, because he hasn’t knocked in the six months he’s lived there, they don’t knock, and because he lives here so why would he knock? He doesn’t knock. He opens the door and is immediately witness to a quite intense makeout session transpiring between Matt and another guy, on Matt’s bed. This, in itself, is not weird. Rare? Yes. Unprecedented? Yes. But not weird. Foggy knows that Matt’s gay so it’s no surprise that he would be having romanticness with another guy, and he’s never mentioned anything about being asexual so Foggy’s not surprised that he’s having romanticness in the first place. It’s not weird that Matt’s making out with a guy. It’s maybe a little awkward that Foggy walked in on it. This awkwardness is exacerbated when the only response Foggy can think of to the situation is an oh so eloquent: “um, hi”, which startles both Matt and the guy and is generally just an awful thing to say to two people who are in the process of sharing saliva.

This is awkward (wake-up-in-a-cold-sweat-ten-years-later-to-have-a-cringe-attack-about-it levels of awkward), but it’s not weird. The weirdness sets in when Matt sits up on the bed (the way people sit up when they’ve been caught making out with someone but are trying to make it seem like everything’s normal and they didn’t actually have someone else’s tongue down their throat two literal seconds ago) and says: “Oh, this is my roommate Foggy”, while gesturing at Foggy, and then “Foggy, this is my husband, Frank”.

“Hi,” says Frank.

“What,” says Foggy.

“I’m so glad you two are finally meeting,” says Matt cheerfully, all the while smiling like the world makes any sense at all.

“Uh, buddy, how drunk did we get last night?” is the perfectly reasonable question Foggy asks.

“What do you mean?” Matt says, frowning like the world doesn’t make that much sense after all. Good, Foggy thinks vindictively, he shouldn’t be the only one confused by this entire exchange.

“I mean did you at any point last night get drunk married to a stranger and then take him home with you?” Foggy clarifies.

“No,” Matt says, and that’s good, okay, maybe Foggy just misheard him earlier, maybe this is all just some misunderstanding and— “I can’t get drunk married to a stranger. I’m already married to Frank.” Foggy feels a deep headache take root behind his eyes.

“Matt?”

“Yeah?”

“Who the hell is Frank?” Matt looks like Foggy’s just kicked his puppy. Frank snorts. Foggy turns to him. “Who the hell are you?!” He bursts out. Frank does not answer Foggy. Instead he says to Matt:

“Red, you know people can’t just psychically know that you’re married. You gotta tell ‘em.” His voice is laced with amusement. Or at least Foggy thinks it is. He doesn’t know what Frank sounds like when he’s amused. He still doesn’t know who Frank is or what he’s actually doing here. Maybe he’s an actor and this is all just one of those prank TV shows, one of those ones with really elaborate pranks where they hire actors to make out with your best friend and pretend to be their husbands.

“No, but I told him about it— I definitely told you about it!” Matt exclaims.

“Um, I’m pretty sure I’d remember you telling me you’re married,” Foggy says.

“Well, okay,” Matt says, slightly less excited this time, “this is my husband, Frank.”

“Yeah, I think I got that part,” says Foggy. Also, “Okay, but why have I actually never met your husband before today? We spend all our time together; how could I not have met him?!” This is when the so far seemingly useless Frank finally decides to step in instead of just laughing quietly at Foggy and Matt’s expense.

“I’m a marine. You haven’t met me cause I’m staying at the base. I’m here because I finally got some time off to visit Red.”

“Oh,” Foggy says. That makes sense, but also what the hell. “So, um, when did you guys get married?” he asks, because he’s got nothing better to say.

“Straight out of high school,” Matt says, “we kind of grew up together.” He’s got a small smile on his face now, probably thinking back to precious childhood memories. Frank kisses his temple. It’s actually kind of cute. But still hands down the weirdest thing that Foggy has ever experienced. It’s just a lot to process, his best friend having an accidentally secret husband who can just kiss his temple whenever he feels like it.

It’s still kind of awkward for a while after that, but it fades out, as does the weirdness. They all get takeout that evening and hang out in the dorm room. Matt’s face turns as red as his hair and he protests loudly as Frank recounts, in excruciating detail, what a weirdo he was a kid, to Foggy’s great entertainment. All in all, it’s a pretty decent evening, at the end of which Foggy feels slightly more inclined to accept his best friend’s secret husband. As long as he keeps those embarrassing stories coming, Foggy decides he’ll let him stay.

#fic #fanfic #daredevil #matt murdock #frank castle #foggy nelson #the punisher #fratt #redcastle #matt murdock and foggy nelson friendship #matt murdock and foggy nelson at columbia #alternate universe - no powers #married couple #confused foggy nelson #frank is useless #fluff #writing #fandom

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fallinglikemagic · 5 years

Note

Okay sooooo Suakko where they're both madly in love with each other but too scared to confess, and legit EVERYONE at luna nova is fed up with their antics, so on valentine's day they come up with a plan to help the useless gays out

OK I meant to save this to upload on Valentine’s Day but then I got busy and forgot so this is slightly late whoops

(I’ll reblog with a link to the AO3 since I’m pretty sure tumblr’s still doing that dumb ‘no links allowed’ thing)

_______________________________________________________________________

“So, we’ve all arrived,” Lotte stated, adjusting her glasses which reflected the light of the lamp on the nearby table, blocking her eyes from sight. “Do we all know why we’re here?”

Constanze and Jasminka nodded silently. Amanda opened her mouth to complain about how silly and unnecessary all this, but shut her mouth upon receiving a punch on the arm from her silent teammate. She sighed, nodding and playing along.

Diana nodded too, understanding Lotte’s pain - having to watch her only two teammates dance around each other was one of the most frustrating things the blonde had ever experienced. She turned to the two who had caused her such a grievance, who were mostly just annoyed that Lotte had decided to hold this meeting in their dorm at 11pm at night.

“Can’t we do this in the morning?”

“Yeah, it’s late!”

Lotte shook her head. “If we had this discussion during the day, Akko would find some way to eavesdrop. It has to be when she’s asleep.”

Barbara sighed sleepily, falling back into Hannah’s lap. “Fine, just get on with it already.”

“Alright, what’s the plan?” Amanda asked, also annoyed to have been woken up.

“Well, Valentine’s Day is coming up soon,” Lotte said, pulling up the date on her globe. “We have 3 days to come up with a plan to get them together.”

“Are you sure this is alright?” Diana interrupted. “Perhaps it would be best to simply let them figure it out on their own. Getting involved in others’ relationships is rather invasive.”

“Yeah, like you didn’t do the same for us,” Hannah muttered, her and Barbara both glaring at the blonde, who adamantly avoided eye-contact.

Lotte lowered her head slightly.

“You have no idea just how bad it is,” she began, her voice taking a darker tone. “For weeks I have watched them. Akko blushes whenever Sucy makes contact with her. Sucy keeps messing up her potions because she can’t stop thinking about her. Akko won’t stop talking about her and even Sucy will often talk to me about Akko - admittedly in an annoyed tone. They come so close to confessing but keep backing out. It’s infuriating and I can’t take it much longer.”

Constanze silently placed a hand on Lotte’s arm, giving her a single pat and a nod before walking away again.

“Thanks Constanze,” the redhead sighed. The mechanic gave her a thumbs up.

Diana nodded as well. “I understand. Very well - what’s the plan?”

“Why am I here again?”

“Because these chocolates are from you!” Jasminka scolded, tying the back of her apron.

Sucy raised an eyebrow - or both, it was hard to tell when one is covered up. “So? I’m not exactly the cooking type.”

Jasminka picked up the wooden spoon and pointed it threateningly at the Filipino. “If you can make potions, you can cook chocolate. Now hurry up and put on that apron.”

Sucy wasn’t really intimidated, but she was rather surprised to see Jasminka so stern, so she decided to play along for now. She tied on the apron with a groan, making sure Jasminka could hear her - if she had to help out then she might as well enjoy herself a little.

Sucy walked back to the counter as Jasminka pulled ingredients off the shelves. The alchemist turned to her teammate, who adjusted her glasses proudly. “So what’s the point of this again?”

Lotte glared out of annoyance before forcing a sweet smile onto her face. “As I said before, with Jasminka’s help, you’re going to make the perfect Valentine’s chocolate for Akko! You’ll give it to Akko, tell her how you feel, and she’ll immediately leap into your arms!” Lotte paused upon noticing that her glasses had almost slipped off her nose in her excitement. She smirked as she pushed them back up. “And you’ll live happily ever after!”

Sucy stared blankly for a moment before her eyes lit up, smirking. “I get it - you want to sneak a love potion into the chocolates-”

“NO!” Lotte and Jasminka both shouted at the same time.

Sucy went back to being skeptical.

“You really think regular chocolates will be enough?”

Jasminka glared, seeming offended at her chocolate being called ‘regular’, while Lotte just nodded.

“It may not seem like much for us, but it’s a big deal in Japan!” Lotte stated.

“Yes! In Japan, people only buy Valentine’s chocolate for their friends!” Jasminka added enthusiastically. “The person they like gets much more special treatment, making handmade chocolates for each other!”

Lotte smiled. “I did realise you knew so much about this, Jasminka!”

The Russian chuckled. “If it’s about food, you can rely on me!” she said sheepishly.

At this point, Sucy was already bored.

“Well, you two nerds have fun,” she said, starting to walk towards the door. “I’m just gonna go-”

She was cut off by a firm hand on her shoulder.

Upon turning around, she was faced with a smiling Jasminka, emanating some kind of monstrous energy, almost like a mother bear who refused to let her child leave the den and would break their neck if they tried. Sucy would deny that she felt a chill up her spine.

“You’re not leaving until we’re done.”

Sucy groaned, knowing she was in for a long afternoon.

“Akko, what are you doing?” Diana sighed, crossing her arms as she looked down on her friend, who was crouching on the ground and glaring at a plant.

“This flower looks weird.”

Diana raised an eyebrow, bending over next to Akko to take a look. “That’s a Snapjaw Orchid.”

“Snapjaw?” Akko replied, clearly not fully listening to the blonde.

“Yes. It gets its name from its tendency to attack those who get too close.”

“What do you mean?” Akko asked, reaching out to touch one of the flower’s petals. As soon as her finger made contact, the flower flipped, it’s innocent appearance changing to resemble the jaws of a dragon as it grabbed Akko’s finger in it’s thorny ‘teeth’.

“OW OW OW” Akko shouted, tugging her finger away and stumbling backwards, falling onto her back.

Akko groaned as she sat up, rubbing her tailbone as Diana stepped over with a role of her eyes and held out a hand. Akko smiled gratefully as she took the blonde’s hand.

“That is what I mean.”

“Yeah, I can see that now,” Akko sighed.

Diana gave her a small smile before turning around, resuming her stroll though the forest path. “We need to stay focused. This forest is known for its many rare and unique species of fungi, but we won’t find them until we go deeper into the forest.”

“And you’re sure this is a good idea?”

“You want to make Sucy happy, do you not?”

“Of course I do!” “

Then this is your chance.”

“But why do I have to give them to her on Valentine’s Day?”

“You never know what might happen if the timing is right.”

Akko paused, squinting in suspicion. “You’re planning something…”

“You only caught on now?” Diana asked with a smirk. “We simply want you to and Sucy to find happiness with each other.”

“DIANA!”

“It isn’t just me,” Diana stated. “It’s glaring obvious that you two have feelings for each other, and to be honest we’re getting rather annoyed at how you two keep dancing around each other.”

“There’s no way Sucy likes me that way…”

Diana had to suppress a groan. “This is exactly what I was talking about.”

“Harsh…”

“Regardless, would it not still be nice to bring her a gift of some kind?”

“W-well, yeah…”

“Then there’s no reason to complain.”

Akko thought for a second before nodding. “Yeah, you’re right,” she turned to Diana. “Thanks for coming with me by the way! I’ve wanted to do something like this for a while but I never even knew where to start looking!”

“Of course,” Diana nodded. “I’m always willing to assist a classmate and friend.”

Diana veered off the path, approaching a makeshift entryway created by a tangle of vines and leaves. “I believe there should be a cluster right through here.”

Akko nodded enthusiastically as she followed Diana into the grove, hoping that the blonde was right about Sucy’s feelings.

Sucy fidgeted, getting bored as she waited in the courtyard, the box of chocolates in her hands starting to feel heavy. She wasn’t nervous, she didn’t get nervous, she was just sick of waiting and wanted to get it over with, that’s all. That’s all it was. Her heart always beat this fast. She was only sweating because of the heat. That’s all it was.

“Sucy!”

Finally.

Akko ran over, waving with one hand, the other behind her back.

Sucy rolled her eyes and stood up, slouched, maintaining a calm demeanour as she put the box down on the bench.

“Took you long enough.”

“Sorry, sorry!” Akko apologised, bent over as she caught her breath. Seconds later she sprung upright, energetic as ever despite the panting and the obvious sweat dripping down her forehead. “I’m surprised you waited this long!”

Sucy shrugged. “I was curious. Besides, we both know better than to piss off Diana.”

“Y-yeah…” Akko agreed with a shudder. She shook her head. “Anyway! Um…” Akko moved her hand from behind her back, holding out a very full satchel, the top tied shut with a small, fraying rope. “Here!”

Sucy raised an eyebrow at the bag, slowly taking it from the brunette and opening it. Inside were dozens of mushrooms and rare herbs - even without properly searching through it, Sucy could see there were many different kinds, common and rare, safe and toxic alike.

“D-do you like it?” Akko asked, nervous. “Diana helped me find a spot where I could find them, I can take you there whenever you want!”

Sucy cleared her throat, realising how almost happy she had looked, before closing the satchel. “It’s…nice. Thanks.”

Akko beamed as she sighed in relief. “Phew! I was so worried I’d gotten the wrong mushrooms and you’d be mad or something!”

“Mad?”

“I-I dunno, maybe I got some bad mushrooms or something? I was just nervous I guess!” Akko said sheepishly, staring at the ground.

Silence fell between the duo. Sucy had to admit, this was a really thoughtful gift. She’d never actually received something like this before…even past gifts were usually basic equipment and recipe books, but never ingredients. As much as it was out of character for her, Sucy was really…touched.

But then again, this was Akko after all. That girl always managed to make Sucy feel weird things. When she was around Akko, she felt more…alive.

And that was why she’d agreed to make those chocolates that were still sitting on the bench behind her.

Sucy took a deep breath to steady her nerves - jeez, she hadn’t done that in years - as she picked up the box.

“I’ve…got something for you too.”

Akko tilted her head. “Really?”

Sucy held out the box. “Just take it already.”

Curious, Akko carefully took the box from the alchemist, evaluating it’s weight. Sucy tapped her foot, impatient and starting to grow antsy. After an excruciatingly long amount of time (30 seconds), Akko pulled at the dull grey ribbon roughly tied around the similarly coloured box, lifting the lid.

The sweet smell of chocolate wafted through the air, Akko’s eyes going wide as she stared the misshapen, but delicious looking chocolates. The brunette took one, taking a small bite. Her eyes lit up and she tossed the rest of the piece into her mouth, practically inhaling it as she threw another one into her mouth. She offered one of the larger pieces to the girl across from her.

“Sucy, twy one!” she said through a mouth full of chocolate.

Sucy gingerly took the piece, taking slow bites. Soft, creamy cocoa melted on her tongue, the sweet flavour filling her mouth. It was…actually really good.

“Where di’ oo ge’ dis?” Akko asked before swallowing. “It’s really good!”

“I uh…made it.”

Akko blushed slightly. Seems Jasminka was right about that Japanese tradition.

“R-really?”

“Well, I had some help…you don’t seriously think I’d be capable of making something non-poisonous without help, do you?” Sucy smirked. “And trust me, I sure was tempted to sneak a potion or two into the mixture.”

Akko didn’t seem to care, still awestruck, looking away and trying to hide the red dusting her cheeks. “I…thank you, Sucy…”

“Y-yeah, no problem.”

“No, really,” Akko put the lid back on the box and stepped closer. “T-thank you.”

Akko lightly brushed her lips on Sucy’s cheek before pulling back. “I-I’ll go take these to our dorm room, thank you again!”

Akko ran off, leaving Sucy stock still, mouth slightly open, holding a hand to her burning cheek, not noticing the cheering from behind the nearby bushes.

#suakko #sucy manbaravan #akko kagari #kagari akko #atsuko kagari #kagari atsuko #lotte yanson #diana cavendish #jasminka antonenko #constanze amalie von braunschbank albrechtsberger #constanze braunschbank albrechtsberger #amanda o'neill #sucy x akko #akko x sucy #oliver's writing #valentine's day

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dibidibidismol · 5 years

Note

do em all, coward

on the one hand: yay! i get to do the ask game! on the other; @acutest-angle, i’m so sorry for doing this to you. i aint gonna fill nobody’s dash, so the qna is under the break. these are like really undetailed. ill be more specific for individual numbers

1: How tall or short do you wish you were? im pretty happy being 163

2: What’s your dream pet? (Real or not) i love my lil baby so much. i wouldnt trade my pupper for the world

3: Do you have a favorite clothing style? i wear a lot of black, and generally dress such that i would be good to go for any job interviews/public speaking events. this is in large part to make up for the fact that my go-to shoes are heelys. like i wear my heelys during professional presentations that count for a large part of my grade. my teachers think im “something else”

4: What was your favorite video game growing up? idk. we didnt do all that media shiz. maybe pvz.

5: What three things/people do you think of most each day: my doggo, my child(useless friend needing guidance) and my tumblr-famous friend. hmu for her url. 6: If you had a warning label, what would yours say?absolute weirdo, but like in a socially acceptable way. can and will debate you into submission.7: What is your opinion on [insert person/thing here]?i support gays.8: What is your Greek personality type? [Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Choleric, or Melancholic]

9: Are you ticklish?a bit10: Are you allergic to anything?some cats, all homophobes11: What’s your sexuality?ace, homoromo12: Do you prefer tea, coffee, or cocoa?tea babe. like i have so much. like a cubic yard. its a problem.13: Are you a cat or dog person?im multifandom(not a furry)14: Would you rather be a vampire, elf, or merperson?elf15: Do you have a favorite Youtuber?amber liu16: How tall are you?160cm17: If you had to change your name, what would you change it to?my chinese name18: How much do you weigh? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!]102-105 i’m smol.19: Do you believe in ghosts/spirits?normally no. when im home alone….a lil.20: Do you like space or the ocean more? i have a large fear of the ocean. 21: Are you religious? no22: Pet peeves?poor work ethics/mansplaining/poor hygiene.23: Would you rather be nocturnal or diurnal [opposite of nocturnal]?diurnal24: Favorite constellation?orions belt25: Favorite star?shinee26: Do you like ball-jointed dolls?not particularly27: Any phobias or fears?germs, the dark, men, large non-pools bodies of water, spiders28: Do you think global warming is real? yea, but “climate change” is more accurate29: Do you believe in reincarnation?no30: Favorite movie?tangled, the lorax, shawshank redemp. , hairspray, legally blond, mulan, mama mia, in that order.31: Do you get scared easily? yea32: How many pets have you own in your lifetime?3 fish 3 dog33: Blog rate? [You’ll rate the blog of the one who’s asking.] im gunna rate @acutest-angle cuz she did mine. 10/10 would be 11 but she aint stannin shinee.34: What is a color that calms you? purple35: Where would you like to travel and/or live? oregon suits me fine36: Where were you born? oregon37: What is your eye color?brown38: Introvert or extrovert?idek. im really good at people, but idk abt energy gaining or wtv.39: Do you believe in horoscopes and zodiacs?no40: Hugs or kisses?hugs41: Who is someone you would like to see/visit right now?my doggo.42: Who is someone you love deeply? see above43: Any piercings you want? i already have doubles. might get belly button in the future.44: Do you like tattoos and piercings? hnngg45: Do you smoke or have you eiver done so? hell no. i take drugs/alcohol v seriously.46: Talk about your crush, if you have one! gorl. so beautiful, so smart, so utterly perfect. also taken.47: What is a sound you really hate? the whit boi in class mansplaining shit to me.48: A sound you really love? pitter pat of paws on hardwood.49: Can you do a backflip? no.50: Can you do the splits? no51: Favorite actor and/or actress?idkrn52: Favorite movie? see 3053: How are you feeling right now?tee hee54: What color would you like your hair to be right now? i really like my hair as is.55: When did you feel happiest? talking in front of many peeps.56: Something that calms you down?tea57: Have any mental disorders? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!] none diagnosed. ask me about my brain later for more deets. 58: What does your URL mean?that i smol and i luv shinee59: What three words describe you the most? witty, caring,quick.60: Do you believe in evolution?yes61: What makes you unfollow a blog?too many posts/mediocre content/no longer aligned interests.62: What makes you follow a blog? posts63: Favorite kind of person:girl64: Favorite animal(s):dogs/cats65: Name three of your favorite blogs. @lolfunnykpop @acutest-angle @27-umbrellas66: Favorite emoticon: thumbs up67: Favorite meme: ive connected the dots68: What is your MBTI personality type?pic69: What is your star sign?my wut?70: Can your dog roll over on command, if you have a dog?yes71: What outfit out of all your clothes do you like to wear the most?its black, its formalish, its a pushup bra, dress, and heelys.72: Post a selfie or two?i like dont have any, and im in no statye to be taking them rn.

73: Do you have platform shoes?no?

74: What is one random but interesting fact about yourself?i forgot a wholeass language75: Can you do a front flip?no76: Do you like birds?y77: Do you like to swim?ew78: Is swimming or ice skating more fun to you?no79: Something you wish didn’t exist:homophobia80: Some thing you wish did exist:universal translators81: Piercings you have?double in each ear82: Something you really enjoy doing:read83: Favorite person to talk to:dog84: What was your first impression of Tumblr?no rules here.85: How many followers do you have?all together, a thousand or two?86: Can you run a mile within ten minutes? idk87: Do your socks always match?no88: Can you touch your toes and keep your legs straight completely?ill cry89: What are your birthstones? the lite blu one90: If you were an animal, which one would you be?i aint no furry.91: If a flower could aesthetically represent you, what kind would it be?a rose92: A store you hate? chick fil a93: How many cups of coffee can you drink in one day? i got addicted, so ive been coffee free for 3 yrs now94: Would you rather be able to fly or read minds? fly95: Do you like to wear camo? no96: Winter or summer?winter97: How long can you hold your breath for?40sec98: Least favorite person?trump99: Someone you look up to:amber liu100: A store you love?office depot101: Favorite type of shoes? heelys102: Where do you live? oregon103: Are you a vegetarian or vegan? If so, why?vegetarian, environment/animal right, eggs for health.104: What is your favorite mineral or gem? sparkle105: Do you drink milk? yea, calcium.106: Do you like bugs?i respect their existence but stay tf away107: Do you like spiders? no108: Something you get paranoid about?spiders, water, germs109: Can you draw: sure110: Nosiest question you have ever been asked?do you shave ur vag?111: A question you hate being asked?whos ur boy friend?112: Ever been bitten by a spider?no113: Do you like the sound of waves at the beach?yea, from a distance114: Do you prefer cloudy or sunny days?sunny, from a distance115: Someone you’d like to kiss or cuddle right now: doggo116: Favorite cloud type:cotton candy?117: What color do you wish the sky was?this is fine118: Do you have freckles? like two.119: Favorite thing about a person:personality120: Fruits or vegetables?fruit121: Something you want to do right now:crochet122: Is the ocean or sky prettier?sky123: Sweet or sour foods?sweet124: Bright or dim lights?dim, i have oddball vision issues.125: Do you believe in a certain magical creature?love126: Something you hate about Tumblr:no dates on anything/ALL THE FREAKING PORNBOTS THAT ARE STILL FOLLOWING ME REGULARLY127: Something you love about Tumblr:shitposts128: What do you think about the least?i feel like this is a paradox129: What would you want written on your tombstone?list of my achievements in life(born:xxxx died:xxxx)130: Who would you like to punch in the face right now?ice131: What is something you love but also hate about yourself?how my brain occasionally forgets to filter132: Do you smile with your teeth showing for pictures?sometimes133: Computer or TV?computer134: Do you like roller coasters?ew, all that sweat and vomit baked into the seats.135: Do you get motion sickness or seasickness?no136: Are your ears lobed or attached?lobed137: Do you believe in karma?idk, i like to be nice but secretly with passive aggressive motives.138: On a scale of 1-10, how attractive would you say you are?7139: What nicknames do you have/have had?dictionary, lee, tumblr girl, dibi, mom, my child, heely girl (i have a reputation at school)140: Did you have any pretend or imaginary friends?yea, i dont remember them, but apparently i invented myself a butler.141: Have you ever seen a therapist/shrink?way back in the day142: Would you say you are a good or bad influence to others?good143: Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help?giving144: What makes you angryamerica145: How many languages do you speak fluently? 1146: Do you prefer boys, girls, and/or non-binaries? girls147: Are you androgynous? no148: Favorite physical thing about yourself: figure/hair149: Favorite thing about your personality: i think im funny150: Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person. my friend’s mom/my coach, my rolemodel/friend, my past self.151: If you could go back into time and live in one era, which would you choose? all the eras sucked for people like myself152: Do you like BuzzFeed?love/hate153: How did you meet your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner? [If you have one.]sexy free and single154: Do you like to kiss others’ foreheads or hands for platonic reasons? o yeah155: Do you like to play with others’ hair?yessss156: What embarrasses you?my mouth157: Something that makes you nervous/anxious:the internment camps158: Biggest lie you have ever told:so many159: How many people are you following?153160: How many posts do you have on your blog(s)?10000+161: How many drafts do you have on your blog(s)?1000+162: How many likes do you have on your blog(s)?how do i find this?163: Last time you cried and why: today. latest superstore episode.164: Do you have long or short hair?long165: Longest your hair has ever been:2.5 ft166: Why do you like, dislike, or have neutral feelings about religon?like the community it provides, dislike a lot of values taught, dislike the exclusivity, dislike the way religion is treated as a default. 167: Do you really care how the universe and world was created? only in regards to what we can do to save it.168: Do you like to wear makeup?i like sparkly eyeshadow n mascara. but dont wear regularly.169: Can you stand on your hands or head for more than thirty seconds? no170: Did you answer the questions you were asked truthfully? yea sure.

#about me #ask game #dibi speaks

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angelstrenchcoat-67 · 5 years

Text

The Guy in Apartment 512

Pairing: Au!Destiel

Warnings: None just fluff

Summary: Cas has had a crush on his neighbor down the hall for a while now but he never had the courage to talk to him... until now.

Author's note: I wrote this story like two years ago but I never had the courage to post it (I posted it and then I deleted it). I love the different ships that we have thanks to Supernatural so just because this is about Destiel doesn't mean that I don't like other ships, I intend on writing about other ones. I got the inspiration for this because there was a latina singer named Selena Quintanilla and my mom is a huge fan of her so while we were driving, we were listening to her song called "El chico del apartamento 512" which in english translates to "The Guy from the Apartment 512". And while I was listening to it, I pictured it with Dean and Cas and I thought it was super cute so I came up with this. Hopefully you'll like it.

Today is one of those days where the weather is too cold, the bed too warm and my motivation close to 0. I shift my face so that the light coming through the window no longer hits me, but my ways of avoiding to wake up become useless when Chuck, my cat, decides to sit on my face.

"Hey, buddy" I speak again his furry skin. "Am I making you uncomfortable?"

He gives me a severe side eye before licking his paw and settling his head in the covers of my bed.

"Chuck, I have to go to class" I apologize as I grab him and set him next to me. "As much as I enjoy your random acts of love, I'll have to pass"

He glares at me before rolling over, stomach facing the ceiling. I look at my night stand where the clock is beaming a red light, telling me I only have one hour to get ready.

I move to my closet, grabbing my favorite trench coat, black jeans and since the day is getting colder by the minute, I throw a brown scarf with burgundy details I got from my brother for Christmas. I take the quickest shower so that I can have a proper breakfast. I leave some food for Chuck before finally locking the apartment door behind me.

"Oh, Castiel" Hannah, my next door neighbor is leaving her apartment, too. "How've you been?"

"I'm doing good, how about you?" I reply as we wait for the elevator door to open.

"Pretty good, thanks for asking" She beams at me as we enter the elevator. "I was wondering if we cou-"

"Hey, could you hold that for me?" Someone shouts from the hallway and I already know who it is.

We have been meeting up like this. In the elevator, the hallway, the lobby. We never get passed the polite greeting because I'm always too nervous to even breath.

I freeze at the sound of his voice so it's Hannah who presses the button to hold the elevator.

"Thanks" He smiles politely at her and the looks at me. "Good morning"

"Good morning" I say under my breath as I look down on my feet.

"First floor?" He asks us and Hannah nods since I'm unable to.

——

It's around 3 pm when I'm setting foot back on the lobby after a long school day. Charlie, the girl at the main office smiles brightly at me as she motions me to come closer.

"You got mail" She smiles before turning around to grab a few letters from the counter behind her. "You always forget to get it so it has been pilling up for a while now"

"Yeah, I always come directly to the apartment or leave on a rush" I grab it as someone enter the lobby, the wind from outside hitting my back.

"Hey, Dean" Charlie beams and I look around to see the guy and instantly feel my knees go weak.

So his name is Dean.

"Hey" He smiles at her and the looks at me. "Oh, it looks like we keep running into each other"

"I-I.. ah, yeah" I manage to say which makes him chuckle.

"See ya around" He winks at me and gives Charlie a playful smile before heading towards the elevator.

I follow him with my eyes without even noticing until Charlie snaps me out of it.

"He's name is Dean" She has a smirk playing on her face. "He lives in the 512"

"Are you aloud to tell me that?" I squint my eyes softly, making her laugh.

"Are you allowed to have pets in the building?" She says and I open my eyes widely. "Don't worry, I wont tell if you don't"

"You are too smart for your own good" I chuckle before stepping away from the counter. "See ya"

"Bye" She replies with a funny tone in her voice.

I walk to the elevator where I find Dean resting against the wall, looking at his phone. He looks up when I'm close enough for him to hear my steps.

"The elevator was going up as I got here but the old lady didn't hold it for me so I'm still waiting for it" He explains and I just nod, to nervous to try to even speak.

I try to focus my eyes on anything other than him. I try not to stare at his green apple eyes or his soft hair. Or the way the flannel hugs his muscles. Or the-

The elevator bell snaps me out of my trance before I start to drool.

"Same floor, right?" He looks at me as he presses the 5 on the board of the elevator.

"Yes" I find the words to answer but I cannot say anything more than that.

We stand in an awkward silence as the elevator goes through every floor before finally reaching the fifth.

The doors open in front of us and he steps out of the elevator first, looking back at me as I walk out. "It was good seeing you"

"Ah, yeah you too" I reply quickly before basically running down the hallway towards my apartment.

I open the door slowly in case Chuck is near so he wont scape. "Buddy, I'm back"

I walk in, throwing my bag at the coffee table of the living room. Chuck is laying on top of the couch, completely ignoring me. "But it's not like you care"

I turn to my studio, where an unfinished painting is standing in front of me. I look back at it, debating wether I should finish it or not.

It was looking good but I had no idea what I was going to do with it. I had finished the green eyes which came out even better than I expected, but of course not as mesmerizing as the originals.

"Since I started it, I might as well just finish it" I pull the wooden chair closer to the painting, grabbing my paint brushes.

——

"Wow" Charlie's voice startles me as I'm holding the painting in my hands.

"Charlie" I gasp turning back around to find her smirking as she checks my painting. "How did you get in?"

"The door was opened" She shrugs as I squint my eyes at her. "Or it wasn't. We'll never know"

"You cannot walk in on people's apartment without permission" I place the painting face down even though I know Charlie already saw it.

"And you shouldn't make paintings of your sexy neighbors" She turns around, walking to the living room.

"Uh, that's not- I mean, it's just-"

"Chill, Casie" She flops on my couch, grabbing an unwilling Chuck between her arms. "I think you did an amazing job, it's really cool"

"Er- thanks, I guess" I move my weight from one feet to the other.

"So when are you going to give it to him?" She looks up at me and I feel my cheeks flush.

"Never" I walk past her into the kitchen, trying to focus my attention on making dinner.

"Wait, why?" I don't see her but I hear her steps getting closer until she appears at the other side of the kitchen counter.

"One, Because I'm not good with human interactions and-"

"But you and I have great conversations" She pouts.

"That's because I'm not attracted to your type" I chuckle as she rolls her eyes.

"Don't say type like we are some sort of dog breed" She scolds me, taking a seat in the chairs of the kitchen counter.

"And two, he is not interested in me" I start chopping the first thing that I find which happens to be an apple.

"When did you ask him?" She looks at me, already knowing the answer. After a couple of dead seconds, Charlie laughs. "That's what I thought"

"I don't even know if he is gay" I keep chopping the apple, practically turning it into smash.

"Dean? Oh, please. He is as gay as they come" She rolls her eyes, waving a hand. "The only straight thing about him is his hair"

"What?" I put my knife down, looking intently at Charlie. "How do you know?"

"My gay-dar" She replies simply and then laughs at my clueless face. "My gay radar, Cas"

"Sure" I pretend that I understand her and go back to the apple.

"I'm done" She turns around, joining me in the kitchen as she pulls a coat. "You are going to leave that apple alone and you are going to his apartment and talk to him"

"But-"

"No buts, Castiel" She glares at me as she pushes me out of the apartment and closing the door behind me. "Name your first kid after me as a form of thanking me"

I'm left alone in the hallway, with my heart beating out of my chest, debating wether to run away from the building or throwing myself of the window.

No, Castiel. Charlie is right, at least you have to try. With my hands sweating and my heart drumming in my ears, I slowly make my way down the hall. I stop almost every 5 seconds, questioning if I should do it or not. I keep with that debate until I reach the door with the number 512 in gold.

"Ok, here goes nothing" I knock on the door softly at first but even I was unable to hear myself so I do it again, louder this time.

About a minute passes and I'm ready to sprint back to my apartment but then the door opens. A super tall shirtless guy appears in front of me, with soft brown hair that reaches his jawline, matching with his caramel eyes. He is sweating and barely holding his breath and suddenly my heart sinks. Of course Dean would have a hot boyfriend. I mean, what was I thinking?

"Hey" He greets me with a soft nod. "Sorry it took me so long, I was-"

"You know what? Don't worry. Actually, excuse me, I think I got the wrong apartment" I try to sound as neutral as possible but there's definitely a little shakiness in my voice. I turn around to leave when the handsome big foot calls my attention again.

"Were you looking for my brother?" He asks me when I face him again.

And suddenly I feel like the dumbest person in the building. And the happiest. So Dean is not dating the handsome sasquatch.

"I-I think so" I reply back and I see him start grinning.

"Dean" He shouts over his shoulder. "He is here"

"Who's here?" I hear Dean's voice in the back, along with his footsteps.

"The guy you are always talking about, the one that you said had dreamy blue-"

"Heey" Dean reaches the door, nudging his brother who just smirks back. "Why don't you go finish your work out, Sammy?"

Dean glares at his brother, who's name is Sam I suppose, but tries to hide it with a smile.

"It was nice meeting you" Sam chuckles and turns around, leaving us alone.

"I apologize for Sam, he can be a little bit... Well he can be too Sam at times" Dean laughs nervously, scratching the back of his neck.

"Uh, don't worry" I try to speak more but suddenly I get too nervous as those green eyes are staring back at me. "I-I, mmm, so-"

"Do you wanna go grab a coffee or something?" He does a half smile, waiting for my answer but when he is looking at me that way, I cannot speak so instead I just nod.

"That's the answer I was hoping for" He winks at me as he grabs his coat and closes the door behind him. "Shall we?"

————————————————————————

Soooo this happened lol. I hope you guys like this. I know I said that Matchmakers was my first work ever but this is actually the first thing I ever wrote like two years ago. Hope you like it!! I'm not going to tag anyone on this because I don't know who likes Destiel and who doesn't. Let me know what you think❤️

#destiel fluff #destiel #destiel fanfiction #destiel angst #dean x castiel #supernatural #au!destiel #castiel x dean #dean x cas #cas x dean

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metazensae · 6 years

Note

Why would you like Valerius? (I REALLY wanna hear your wine daddy love rant♡)

jklagjsklsjklagjlkajsklgjaskljg kladj klgjskaljklgasjklgasjkljgaskljgklsajklg jaskljgklasjklgasjkljgklasjkgasjkljklgas janklsgjklasjgklasjklgjkasljkglasjklgjaskl

OK FIRST OF ALL PULL UP A SEAT BC NOW I’M IN RANT MODE

Who is Valerius and why is he important?

Valerius is the consul who helped hold Vesuvia together in the absence of an acting Count/Countess. The devs said that he basically ran everything during the time Nadia was asleep because the other courtiers were practically useless. It’s admirable that he even tried to take on such a task when the other Courtiers were no doubt interfering or undermining any sort of progress possible. As far as I can tell, he is isolated from the other Courtiers as well. Whether that is because he’s so BURNT OUT from dealing with their lack of productivity (or their constant undermining???) or if it’s because he suspects their involvement in the murder of Lucio is unclear.

Nadia has insinuated that she entertains him the most (tho she clearly doesn’t tell him everything either), and thus, he is the closest person to Nadia besides the MC.

Didn’t HE kill Lucio tho?

WE. DON’T. KNOW. THAT.

The evil vizier character trope is SO OVERPLAYED. This Has Been DONE and OVER DONE. Nothing in the Arcana plot line so far suggests that they would choose such a lazy and convenient angle to play. And honestly, NONE OF THE CHARACTERS HAVE BEEN ONE DIMENSIONAL SO FAR - do you really think he would be so transparent?

Ok, but that’s all just speculation and my own personal hatred for boring tropes.

What do we know of that fateful night? Valerius was going to Lucio’s room and he witnessed the other Courtiers screaming outside of Lucio’s chambers (why were they there???) and Dr. Devorak running out of the chambers as everything burned down.

According to Valerius’s account, he wasn’t there when the fire started, so it’s likely that no, he did not kill Lucio.

BUT WE CAN’T TRUST HIM WAHHHHH

Um? Lemme ask you tho - who in this cast can you trust at this point? If you trust anyone, you’ve lost the game already.

This is why Nadia asked you to come help her. She’s relying on magic at this point because as brilliant as she is, she hasn’t figured it out either.

Be like Izzy. Don’t trust anyone.

Everyone is still a suspect. Even Nadia. Even Jules. Even Asra. Even. MC.

BUT BUT BUT HE SPILLED WINE ON ME!!!!!!!!!

Oh yeah??? I’m about to TOO in a minute bc you’re too damn annoying…

As a member of the Vesuvian court, I can only assume Valerius is of noble birth. His judgmental, condescending demeanor is not unthinkable for someone of his status. In addition, we’ve already been over the fact that he doesn’t get along with the other courtiers (I mean he watched them burn down Count fuckboi right in front of his eyes… who could trust them??). Nadia - on a whim - brings in MC who then snoops around in consul business and YES HE DUMPS WINE ON YOU. HE’S A DISTRUSTING ASSHOLE WHO THINKS YOU’RE BENEATH HIM. SO WHAT. WE’RE LIVING IN A TIME OF COUNTS AND COUNTESSES WHERE STATUS MATTERS ARE YOU EVEN SERIOUS?

I’d do the same if some little nobody was sassing me and snooping around in the court tbh. I view that scene as his way of defending Nadia, who is disconcertingly mixing up details from before she went to sleep and who may have mistakenly let some vagabond into the court on a brainfart.

Ok… but Izzy, you didn’t tell us why you like him…

There are so many reasons why I like him.

He’s souless and so done with life. He stays drunk just to make it through another day. All of that reminds me of Emile, the main character of my comic. Emile is a shell of a person and he does inexcusably bad things on the regular because he’s just. DONE. WITH. EXISTING. And you know what tho? It doesn’t make him a villain. He’s the anti-hero, the guy who fucks up a lot but in the end just wants to exist and get by.

I don’t think Valerius *IS* the real villain. I think he’s just fucking tired.

Also, even if he IS a villain (which again I do NOT BELIEVE HE IS OR ELSE THAT’S BORING AS FUCK) - he’s in GOOD COMPANY. As the evil vizier type, he’s up there with Scar and Jafar - two of my MOST FAVORITE DISNEY CHARACTERS OF ALL. To be honest, Scar was my ENTIRE LIFE as a kid. I can spit back all of his lines at you without even thinking about it. That sassy high class snark - COME ON. PLEASE AND THANK YOU. A little flamboyant - YEAH OK I’M GAY FOR IT.

I LIVE for characters like this (clearly, bc I’m writing a whole story about one like that).

Also, HE LOOKS LIKE MY EMILE TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT MAKES ME SICK!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE THEM BOTH. THEY’RE BOTH SO HOT! I LOVE THEIR DEAD EYES! I CAN’T STAND THIS! I’M SWEATING! HELP! THE LONG HAIR!!! THE DRAPEY HAIR!!!! AHJKSG:JSAKLJGKLAJSKLGJAS ALSO HIS NOSE - FUCK - HIS FACIAL ARCHITECTURE - IS - SO - HOT - I’M GONNA DRAW IT. ;A; his geometry is really nice. Like. I’m so serious. You don’t see characters like that often. I’m living because his nose is so big and high and his cheekbones cut that way they do and his jawline is sharp but has a really nice curve in it as well and jaklgsjklajgklajgs his lips tho???? Like DEAR LORD I have stared at his lips for a long time trying to figure out how they would look at different angles. Dana doesn’t play when she makes characters. She gives them real human features and I’m just. oh my god - no one draws lips like that on a character I’m TELLING YOU. Everyone else takes way easier routes, but not Dana. Dana gives us quality.

GIMME GIMME GIMME I’M GONNA LOVE HIM GET OUT OF HERE WITH YOUR VALERIUS HATE I DON’T UNDERSTAND YOU AT ALL

Come at me and you’ll catch wine.

#valerius #consul valerius #the arcana game

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halleywars · 7 years

Text

no breaks no readmore

Introduction

There were balls everywhere. Many myths have been spun about god, but i am the chronicler, and i am here to dispel all bullshit creation stories once and for all. The story you are about to hear is not myth, however if it is easier for your feeble mind to take as such then so be it. Before all else, before women, before the earth and time and space, god created man , and to mankind he gave balls. To each man a flaw, and to each man a ball. Within these balls god gave each man what it took to become more god like, a key to unlocking his true potential. If you are of a foolish type you may be thinking that the balls are a metaphor for something more like a way of thinking, but i assure you the meaning is quite literal. These balls were dubbed the "element balls" and their manifestation in your world is quite physical. The truth behind the disappearance of your balls is the tale i spin today. This tale begins with a man following his own dreams, who would set into motion a chain of events that would fart in the face of the world. This is the tale, of the element balls.

The desert sun beat down on steven universe, the earth red and fucked surrounded him. It was the year 2048, and steven was pissed. He was quick to crack wise and his face showed it, however people did not put up with this shit on account of him being 50. Nowadays steven stuck mostly to his job as an archeologist. He tapped the fingerprint scanner on his space watch and the robot hologram on it informed him was almost 8 in egypt time, which was where he was at, egypt. He was digging in egypt, doing archeologist stuff, is what im trying to get across, also its the future. Steven looked up from his space watch to a lanky man standing above his dig site. The man stunk of cum and checkers hamburgers, his white and gold suit reflecting off the sun like something really bright white and gold. The man had a shit eating grin on his face as he chomped a big cigar like it was a gay dick that he was suckin'.

"Steven you cocksucker, its almost 8 o clock in egypt time! You really need to pack up your shit and hit the road, when it gets dark the giant scorpions come out."

Steven wiped the sweat off his brow and chuckled to himself while shaking his head. He continued digging as if he hadnt heard a word.

The suited man was pissed. "Steven you got egypt dirt in your ears? Did you perhaps forget im the money behind this trip? and i didnt pay millions of dollars to get a top archeologist out here in egypt so he can find nothing for three days and then get killed and buttfucked by giant desert scorpions? "

Steven chuckled and graced the angry man a response, "You wouldnt know shit about passion Lars, youve never worked a day in your life. Look bakery tits.. im not out here jerkin off... im gettin close to finding some info on those damned balls... i can feel it in my gut."

Lars was pissed because of the backtalk, but he knew what to expect from steven. He lit a cig, gayly. He had hired steven because he was a master of archeology, the backtalk was to be expected of someone who was the master of his craft. But Lars knew if anyone could dig up some information on the balls, it was steven. Lars looked back down at Steven and tightened his fancy white gloves. He held up one finger.

"Youve got until 1 o clock, any later and ill have the boys come out here and drag your ass out of the dirt. we clear?"

Steven hadnt taken his eyes off his work. "crystal" he shouted to the gay millionaire as he continued digging.

Lars noded his head and flicked his cig on the hot egypt dirt, it burst into flames. He whistled for his hoverboard and it flew over to him, Lars hopped on and flew away, leaving steven to continue his work in peace.

A Discovery

The sun was setting, and with it the insanity of Lars sprung forward. He took off the mask and looked for a long time in the mirror- at the scars. That day. That day when Ocean Smith burned it to the ground. I’ll never forget that day. Lars slammed his fist onto the counter top and screamed with rage. His bones, indeed his very existence was rattled. After some time he remembered. I’m bitter again. I’m angry again. Then he remembered his medication. He lit up the obama kush and inhaled deeply, feeling the tension evaporate off of his body. He had a curious mental condition indeed. A single thought warped his mind and sent him into a state of being not unlike that of a raging bull.

Chill dubstep was playing. He layed back onto the couch with the back of his neck curved around the top of the couch cusion, just staring. Thinking. About her. She was an angel.

Steven universe was toiling in the black of night with only a torch. These transcriptions are fucked up! I need to decode… ah yes. The emerald tablets of Thoth springing into being from the angelic horsemen? The….balls….into existence from the….source? What source? Lets read further into this mystery. The archaic….tomb of Xerxes….Ramses trine to the seventh equinox….on the first of May? Ah! And with these thoughts he realized it. He must go to the tomb of Xerxes to retreive the key, and then to the tomb of Ramses to put it in the lock! Then the mystery will be revealed.

Connie Maheswaran was eating grapefruit. Her house was luxurious, yet barren. Cold stones. She liked the stark reality of the stones. Jean Michel Jarre was playing on the speakers nearby. Connie’s eyes were closed, and she was in another world. Then the phone rang. It was Steven.

“Yo”

“Connie, you need to come to Egypt, right this minute.”

“Bro. I’m tryin to chill here. I was about to snort some Zaka.”

“Zaka is about as useless at this time as poop!”

“What’s all the racket?”

“The element balls…. I know how to get the element balls.”

“Still believe in the mystery school teachings? Come now.”

“The plane is paid for, my friend.”

“Well…. Money’s not an issue for me, but fuck it. I’ll snort a double and be there on the double.”

“Cya pal.”

“Cya.”

Connie was looking out the window, Arkansas below. Ah, the Ozarks. If only I had a log cabin out there. The lady beside Connie was eying her sternly.

“Are you on something?”

Connie looked her in the eye until she quickly turned her head in the other direction. That’s more like it, fat bitch.

Connie farted hard. Then the plane came to a halt. The fatass held her nose and Connie sneered. Hope the vacation’s fun, retard! Steven greeted her as she exited the plane. Before leaving, she waves bye to the pilot, who she gave some speed so he could stay awake.

Lapis Lazuli was in a hot tub. Smoking a joint, snorting zaka. I am so high.

Zaka

Lapis’ iPhone 4k rose out of the hot tub and started spinning. Lapis was pissed. She shouted.

“Siri who the fuck is disturbing me at this hour?”

“It is steven universe master”

Lapis raised an eyebrow

“Not a fucking prank i hope, if this is some mindless bullshit ill fly over there and shove my boot up his ass.”

“It appears to be urgent master”

“Shut the fuck up and put me on the phone with him robot voice.”

The phone flashed millions of different colors before displaying a hologram of steven universe, flashing his balls.

“You proud of those? They're about to be hung on my wall shrimp dick.”

The cackling of a hyena could be heard from the phone, but Lapis stayed stone faced and silent. The hologram spoke

“Long time no see Lapis”

“I’m assuming you called for more than to show off your shitty old balls?”

“You assumed right”

“This wouldn't have anything to do with those damned element balls you’ve been going on and on about would it?”

“I’m nearer than I’ve ever been. I need your help. Were on our way to Xerxes tomb.”

“I’m not much of an archeologist Steven.”

“This is big Lapis, I have a feeling whatever happens in the next 48 hours, you’re gonna wanna see first-hand.”

Lapis shook her head and sighed.

“I assume you’re on your way over here then. Fuck! You payin’ my way?!”

Bromos

“You’ve got the money!”

“Spent it all on Bromos.”

“Fine. Yup.”

“That’s more like it.”

Lapis ended the call and sunk back into the water with cool contemplation.

The three hoodlums were finally together again after long, long years. And they weren’t happy. They all went their own neurotic loner ways over the years, Connie always loved tracking what the government was up to, Lapis loved cool meditation and Bromos, and of course Steven was the obsessed one, the one who delved in research. They were all seated around a pretentious fire with spoiled faces. Connie simply stated, “I’m gettin’ bored here where are the balls of power?”

“I called you two here to ask for you assistance with possibly…. Dangerous ruins.”

“Mummies?”

“Very possibly.”

Connie leaned back into her lawn chair and sneered. A skeptic at heart indeed. Lapis was not amused. She was craving bromos.

“Remember that gay town on the east coast?!” Announced Lapis.

Steven replied, “Oh, yep. That was the dumbest town I’ve even seen in my life. What a gay selection of things to do.”

“Beach… City… Beach City… horrible ass place.”

“Oh I know.”

Lapis spoke, “What must we do to find the element balls? I would like to taste of them.”

“We must go to the Tomb of Xerxes to find the key. What this key is, I cannot say. I will have to read the transcriptions at the site.”

“And of Lars Barriga?”

“He’ll never find us again, that idiot.”

“Good, he’s a nuisance.”

Connie spoke up, “I don’t trust him. Don’t consider him merely a weakling. What if he’s hiding something? He walks with the air of chaos.”

Steven replied, “True, but we could kick his ass.”

“To that, my friend, a line of Zaka.”

A uniform AYE! Sounded between the group.

Three lines were laid out, and Connie became all the rage. Lapis became a mastermind of the void. Steven went crazy and kept on smacking himself on the ass. The three of them were violent, and farting at that. The three of them formed a sort of united dance. Waving, heaving, jumping, farting. Yelling, vomiting, flashing lights from the distant night formed in their vision. Their minds were like fireworks- the zaka was working.

It was the next morning. The sun seared the optic nerves of Lapis when she opened her eyes. She spit the sand from her mouth. Collapsed, still exhausted, and very thirsty. And also, unpleasantly surprised. His friends were missing.

“What in the fuck!”

Lapis’ mouth felt all the more like cotton when she spoke. She started to panic. It was just her now, him and the depressing, impractical ruins. Lapis was the practical sort- not particularly fond of jokes unless it meant making sport of another being. She started to truly panic, and felt a lump start to swell up in her throat, a lump that massaged the sand into his throat.

Egypt

Lapis looked up to see a devious grin spread across Steven’s face

“Still got bromos on the mind Lapis? Welcome back to the land of the living.”

“How long was I out?”

“All of last night and well... Its eight thirty at night now, didn’t know you of all people couldn’t handle your bromos”

Connie spoke up “that’s what you get for mixing your bromos with zaka. You shoulda known better”

Steven nodded in agreement, “yes bromos and zaka… the bromonium ions in the bromos binded to the tert butyl carbons in your blood stream. Mix that with the high levels of selenium in the zaka and…”

Lapis cut him off, once Steven got on a tangent he became more annoying than a school teacher named mrs scroggs. Fuck you ms scroggs im glad youre in jail you fucking moron pedo fucking dumb ass

“So then were at the tomb of xerxes correct?”

“Something like that, this is what’s open to the public, the true tomb is underneath”

Lapis raised an eyebrow, “underneath?”

Steven coolly smiled and instructed Connie to move away from the golden statue of xerxes she was leaning on.

“Observe”

Steven dusted off the statues dong area to reveal a golden dick. He jacked it off and sperm shot out of it onto Lapis’ face. Lapis was not amused. Suddenly the ruins started to shake and the floor spread open beneath them. Lapis slipped on the cum and fell on her ass.

“As if the hangover wasn’t bad enough!”

A laugh track played. The floor opened to reveal a set of stairs down a deep dark passage way.

“This way ladies” Steven squawked in his gay ass voice. He lit a torch with his vape pen and they headed down the tunnel. Steven looked back at Lapis and stopped, smiling.

“What?” Lapis inquired

“Like that?”

“Like what??”

“Xerxes ruins cum in your face”

Lapis delivered a quick blow to Steven’s face but Steven dodged it, laughing and dancing away down the stairs like some kind of fucked up jester. Anyways it was a long passageway, really long, nothing really happened on the way there. Anyways they got to the bottom and it was like, a egypt tomb. Hiro gliffs on the wall.

“Hmm…” Steven inspected the hiro gliffs

“These Egypt writings are telling me where the key is, everyone wait back there, and watch my back for mummies or something”

Lars and Jamie

Lapis, Connie and Steven woke up at about the same time in a dim torch-lit room in the tomb. Sleeping gas? They each thought of this as they rubbed their eyes, slightly bewildered. Then they writhed. With their hands tied behind them, and their legs wrapped with strong ropes, it seemed as if decisions were impotent.

Their timely plateau of panic was greeted by two gentlemen coming onto the scene. Steven could make out Lars, but not the other person.

“Hello Steven. Since you did not obey me, after I provided you with an opportunity to wet your scholarly appetite with translation, it would seem as though you’ve gotten yourself into a mess. Your role is not of your choosing. The time of so called “freedom”, “freewill”, and “staking your claim” is over. Humanity is advancing into the role of guardians, and leaving the previous title of beast behind. No longer do we compete! No longer are we individuals! Now we become us. The united. The one. Success is not real without contrast against other individuals. So this artificial and bloated man-made concept must be destroyed. So, any last words? Have you read the beloved, ‘A Cask of Amontillado’ from ages ago?”

Steven simply answered, “Do what you must, you fool.”

“Why, I am simply shattered. What cold words. I must insist however; it is time for action.”

With that Lars and the other man started sealing Connie, Lapis, and Steven in the small room with bricks. Lapis decided to comment to the other man.

“You are Jamie, are you not?”

“Uh, yeah.”

“I remember your theatre performance in Beach City. It really was retarded.”

Jamie was shaking with rage. He was brutally insulted, and as a result, accidentally knocked some bricks off the wall being built. Lars slapped him. Lars removed his mask and pressed his charred forehead against Jamie’s, staring him in the eye. Jamie was tearing up.

“You see my face? You are so stupid.”

Jamie was sobbing and screaming. His legs were shaking. And, in this amount of time Connie was able to free herself. She stared them both in the eye. She told them to fuck off.

Lars started sprinting, but Jamie was so shaky that he fell to the ground and started sobbing uncontrollably. Connie knocked down the bricks and started beating on Jamie’s face until he was unrecognizable.

Connie, Lapis and Steven were all aboard the Hawk, their space ship. Hawk was custom built and very fast. Jamie walked in the main hall from his healing tank. The threesome looked him over and said, almost at once, “What in the fuck?!” Jamie looked like a barbarian. He had to apologize. He told them that nobody ever gave him what he really needed in life, and asked if he could be the cook aboard the Hawk.

“Fine” said Connie. “As long as you do push-ups every day, and eat ghost peppers to keep the inner pussy in line.”

“Will do.”

Vengeance and Spirits

Connie and Lapis, high, retired to the “drunk tank” as they liked to joke about, were pissed off. The subject matter- the key that Lars has in his possession. Their faces somber and drunk, Lapis broke the silence.

“It’s simple really. We show up at his mansion and stomp his gay ass into the dirt.”

“Hmm.”

“Eh?”

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking Steven?!”

“Come now, I’m the brains here.”

“That is off subject, but go ahead and ask what I’m thinking.”

“Eh?”

“I’m thinking we put steroids into Jamie. And, I’m thinking we get him to hate stomp Lars.”

“Ohoho!”

“Hehehehehehehe!”

Both of them rubbed their hands together, took two shots and lit a cig in that order. When they entered the main hall, they noticed Steven schooling Jamie in philosophy. “I’ve never heard a man drool that much.” proclaimed Connie. “Seen a man drool?” “No, his face is shaped fucked up from where I beat his ass. You can hear it slurp out like pouring water from a jug.” Steven slapped Jamie. And he proclaimed-

“I guess you don’t wanna be the cook, eh?”

“N-no. I mean yes. I do.”

Steven snapped his fingers together. “Ah!” Connie produced a ghost pepper. Jamie started twitching in anticipation. Connie was grinning, zooming slowly the pepper closer and closer to Jamie’s mouth, as he started to tear up. “It’s a plane! Open up, lad!” Connie started to laugh. Jamie held his mouth open like it was about to receive cock, but unfortunately for him this is bigger than any he’s ever encountered. The plane landed.

But it was a rough landing. Jamie was convulsing, crying. Snot exploded out of his face. The pressure blower was applied to remove the biological matter. Jamie is a fuckin fag. Steven spoke up-

“I thought you WANTED this chance. This chance- to be a part our team. Or maybe you didn’t know what you were getting into, boy. You still have some demons inside of you, eh? Either we wipe those out- the hard way- or you take care of them yourself much easier. We’ll even allow you to dip your feet in the water before you get in so to speak.”

Connie crammed another pepper down. At this point the lad looked like a fuckin’ frog. He even stopped making noise. I guess the threesome know a good pacifier, eh? Well that’s funny, a pepper pacifier to prevent pepper noise, but he talks to much anyway.”

It was morning, and the third day of Jamie’s training. His alarm clock? Need I say anything but the fact that he was an utter frog? But he was getting used to it- and he was gaining muscle since he was wearing an anabolic oxygen gas mask while he was designated to work out his shoulders for five hours. He was big, simple as that. Lapis gave him the look.

“You’re ready boy.”

“For what?”

“To beat Lars’s ass.”

“Ah. Will do.”

You see, normally Jamie would cry at that point- but the threesome also administered scolopomine for heightened suggestibility from Jamie. He was their thrall. Needless to say, he wasn’t ball material. Well, that’s a bit hasty- the threesome hasn’t got any balls yet. But Jamie’s got negative two balls.

“Colloso” from the Golden Sun soundtrack starts playing(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wbOVd642FJo). The Hawk landed on top of Lars’s mansion. Laser beams commenced attack, but the hawk was too strong. Before two minutes were up, all of the puny soldiers were bleeds. Jamie was screaming- this time his pitch was UNDER 2000 hz. More like one. He was all hyped up on steroids, and jumped on Lars, flailing his arms and turning his already burnt face into a shit face. All while the threesome aboard were getting the same treatment- in a different way. They used a giant electromagnet to pull the key aboard from Lars’ pocket. Oops! It was in his back pocket. Tore a hole in the poor bastards gut. He was finished anyway. The ship left behind the two freaks. There was a vibe of, “I take my leave” in the air. The last the threesome saw was Jamie…. fucking Lars. What an ordeal.

We Can’t Believe the Psyche of Some Human Beings!

So now the threesome were telling jokes about Jamie fuckin’. It’s the seventh of May. Time for Ramses tomb. Can we skip all the, you know…. drugs- let’s fast forward to the tomb.

In the burial chamber. Long story short, Greg was inside of the coffin, unconscious. “What the fuck?!” They cast him aside. The keyhole- sorry, my consciousness is simple because I’m in character with the threesome, who are all intensely wasted. The keyhole and the key. Turn. Bright. Shimmering lights. Colors flashing in the face. The ball, in all of its glory. Lazuli addressed Steven-

“You did the translation. It’s for you, friend.”

“Don’t worry, there will be some for all of us eventually!”

“Agreed!”

Steven grabbed the ball as it absorbed into his skin. He started hovering over the ground.

Greg Ambassador, and his Apprentice

As the threesome were prodding along on the Hawk, they gazed upon quite the poor spectacle of a space merchant outpost. Steven was curious, the rest said fuck it. The spaceship rocked its way downward onto the platform provided, a spaceship parking lot. The threesome couldn't tell if it was brand new or just unused. The put on their suits, and entered the door to the shop.

They went inside and saw a dorito haired, short, leprechaun resembling woman behind the desk. She looked up and said in amazement- “Ah, customers. This is an engineering shop in case you’re looking to tweak your ship.” Connie and Steven, fans of ships, perked right up. Steven spoke up-

“We are looking to make the Hawk faster, better, and more destructive than all other spaceships.”

“I'll get my boss Greg then.”

An old bearded man with a Beach City tee shirt entered the room. He had a hollow glare and an agape mouth. To break the silence, Greg shouted-

“You want it, I make it! Now what's your offer?”

“We want the most powerful spaceship in the universe.”

“There's only one way to do that.”

“How?”

“You must have an unused element ball.”

“That can be arranged.”

“Ahahaha! Fools! Bring me an element ball and I'll sell ya my soul!”

“Don't give us ideas, now.”

“Lets not joke here. I'm not easily humored. Unless It's Kat Williams, I aint laughing.”

Steven Universe brought an Element Ball out of his pocket. Greg looked like a spooked raccoon, and licked his lips with a certain disbelief. Greg's long white hair was pushed in front of his face by the air conditioning, but when it receded he held an expression of determination.

“It's been a long time.” Greg said.

Steven replied, “You were once known as the inventor of real Bionicles using the balls, you brought automatons to life with the balls, correct?”

“Mmhmm, thats right. But hold on one sec-”

“You must, lest the universe as you know it ceases to exist.”

“As I know it? Go head and press the red button then.”

The Gay Peedee

“Alright Peedee… you can do this… deep breaths…”

Peedee struggled to hold the vape pen to his mouth, his hands were trembling.

“Deep breaths… theres nothing bad about this… nothing bad about this at all…. Its just gonna make me relax… its not illegal… ugh….”

Peedee put the purple dildo shaped contraption to his mouth and pressed the button on the side. He closed his eyes and took a big suck from the vape pen.

“My lungs are on fire!!! Some one help!!!!!!”

Peedee dropped the pen and began crying and coughing intensely. He fell to his knees and started gagging between sobs, he vomited up arbys on the carpet, and onto the vape pen, causing it to shortcircuit. The spark from the pen caught Peedees shirt on fire. In a panic he took off all his clothes and stomped them into the vomit. The door flung open, and Lars appeared.

“What are you doing?”

Chandler stood there in his underwear with boogers running down his nose, silent.

“Piss your pants?”

Chandler looked down, he had indeed, pissed his pants, his white underwear had turned a bright yellow. Chandler drank a lot of soda. He decided to speak up.

“I was… trying to vape….”

Lars raised an eyebrow and made a :I face with his mouth.

“Sorry…. I was trying to relax myself… it made me dissociate… i didnt know what was going on.”

“Its vape dude”

Strife With KillQuest

“God damn parts.” cursed Steven as his still unrefurbished ship glided forth. The crew was headed to the planet Azragath to mine some kind of special metal for the remake of the Hawk. “You sure this Greg figure isn’t some kind of fraud? Did that even occur to Y’all? What if he’s chuckling as we speak over this mess we’ve fallen for?” he went on. But Connie wouldn’t have it. “I know real when I see it. He’s an engineer. He’s got neutral eyes. Eyes that don’t see what they want to see. Eyes that see what appears in reality.” she parried. “Fine. Guess I’ll have faith.”

As the ship slowly landed, the threesome got a glimpse of the dense jungle below with feelings of elation. There’s nothing like the sight of a previously unseen alien world to the imagination. The ambience in their minds ever scintillating.

As they stepped from the ship, strange noises were heard. The alien lifeforms around them seemed to gawk. Then they noticed the men with long beards, five in total.

“What business have you with us?” the oldest looking among them asked in a grounded way.

“We are here for precious metals.” replied Steven.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVNkr6OAads starts playing.

“Well then, you have come to the right planet. Follow us.”

And so they traveled dirt roads of passion, lined with old stones and garnished by exotic fungi. The oldest wizard lit a joint and passed it around. The threesome never remembered being this stoned in their life. The sun was huge and glimmering. Their faces were animated. The wizards weren’t phased, but were reminded of their past. The threesome was told of the stroke of luck that the wizards experienced as boys, being taken into secret societies in their teenage years to resist the brainwashing of the media. Then Steven realized that he was being quiet from getting too entrenched in the joint and trance of life, so he asked the oldest wizard a mundane question.

“Hey man, what happens to be your name?”

“Just call me Weedo. Weedo Beerbeer Fourtwenty to be exact.”

“I’d guess you love beer and weed?”

“Oh bud.”

With that the five wizards chuckled. Weedo went on and on about the ‘old days’: “I was once naive enough in my youth to believe that one day a generation would come who would not even understand the lyrics to War Pigs. I once believed that peace was attainable, not in my lifetime, but a realistic goal nonetheless. I thought that war would one day be a foreign concept. Time has only spat in my face, proving me wrong time and time again. This, of course, does at least speak for the timeless nature of Black Sabbath. Speakers of truth, and they will continue to be so long after the original line-up has passed from this realm.”, “The Who were prophets. Every four years I'm reminded of ‘meet the new boss, same as the old boss.’ Sadly, what they got wrong was the "won't get fooled again" part!”, “Don't give in to apathy. Don't settle for jack shit. You're a human. You're worth something.”

Eventually the dense overgrowth of insanity parted and made way for an orderly forest of green. Marijuana plants far and wide, with trichomes apparent from any distance, reflecting the sun’s light. The wizards looked behind them to glance in our eyes. They were not surprised to see astonishment. They won’t fathom the experience they’re about to have thought the wizards. And so they walked through fields of joy. It seemed to go on for miles beyond, when another brain-splitting beam of astonishment caught them in a time rift. A temple was now before them, composed of blue shining rocks, many vertical Athenian grooves, some Japanese influence in various curved side overhangs, apparent Reptilian dome and cone roofing style, Grey alien ordered black windows checkered around the entire sanctum, and grey alien style spindly towers rising from the four farthest corners of the building which, if one averts his gaze up, apparently support a great porch in the clouds. Connie beheld this porch in astonishment, and requested words of description for it. One of the wizards simply exclaimed,

“You shall soon find out!”

Turns out the porch was bigger than the threesome thought, for though it appeared as though the towers holding it went straight upwards, they were designed specifically to appear as though they went straight upwards. These towers actually curved ever so gradually outward, and this porch was positively gargantuan, and blatantly in outer space. This porch is where the wizards go to smoke DMT.

When the DMT is smoked on the ground, the soul is taken to the center of the earth where clusters of souls old and young kindle in communion. When the DMT is smoked in outer space, one goes into a terrifically fast orbit around the earth, creating a charge in the body once bursts of spiritual energy catch up to the body and pierce through. The body is charged. The mind is on fire. The soul is in “freefall”, but never makes it. This trip lasts five days.

The threesome were transported to this porch in magnet boots and gas suits. The time was near. Once they felt ready- the DMT would be circulated in their space suits. They looked around and noticed the ambient blue, the darkness of space, and the feeling of helium flesh. They were ready.

Lapis’s Trip

Like glass, the image of the world shattered into hundreds of shards of glass, then into thousands of speckled stars, then into dust. Beyond reality, lay before her a castle of granite. Torch sconces lit with bizarre flames illuminated many goblins. The goblins were dancing and jumping, and their necks stretched and snapped back into place at a rhythmic pace. Lapis was swallowing over and over again bizarre psychedelic fluids. Her body was a soup, no, light. Her ululations were becoming to the goblins. Intrigued, they snapped themselves into place beside her, and started doing some sort of violent dance that made her euphorically cackle. Her mind afire, she joined the dance. She realized now that she was a God. She took pain to create objects with her mind. She kneeled into a ritualistic surf, and pulled suddenly a plasma sword from her throat. The bolt of energy protruding from the hilt waved like a snake. Lapis shouted like a warrior and stabbed the sky with her sword. A bolt of energy went into the atmosphere and broke it into glass shards once again. This time she was in the clouds, though clouds made with the divine, not base matter. What these clouds and air were made of was some sort of pure mathematics and infinity. Continuous, lacking discrete particles whatsoever. The Creator’s head sprang from the infinite reality of the moment onto the scene. In a single instant she flew information into Lapis’s brain.

Connie’s Trip

A pause. Then, suddenly, a dim screaming. It was the sound of humans in apathy. The chorus seemed to grow in both number and amplification. The chorus was growing. Once she heard strange interferences in the noise, rapidly changing and screaming in their own right, becoming in and of themselves entities, Connie crouched toward the ground. Oh pain! Give me pain so that I may learn! Then the noise ceased so abruptly that the comfort was almost painful. The cessation of noise was like the pain of a terrible orgasm, so intense and ear splitting that it causes apathy not through circumstance, but from an absolute perspective. Now she fell gently and slowly, an opiate. She could not see, nor hear, nor formulate a woman holding her, but she was. She was a goddess. Her consciousness ran towards the flesh of her tits. It was a delight, and all of her being was pounding through its limits, transcending to kiss her own soul. She was blue colored. She smiled as Connie’s eyes met hers. Her gentle womanhood turned into a determined, noble soul and she advanced. The moment touched upon eternity. Connie reached and grabbed her shoulder, and at this moment she looked her in the eye like a confused rodent. This Connie adored. “A poem first, my love.”

“Ah! Mmmm. Oh yeah baby!”

“What spheres, sisters of the moon, pull the tides of the soul?

What red dab indicated a violent tug from God’s brush?

Her eyes that do lull,

Her lips that so hush.

What mass of detail defiantly reached after her soul in sleep?

What domes of lust turn pink with ale?

Her hair that makes me weep,

Her cheeks that sacred burial mounds in comparison doth pale.

What meek little shape of flesh picks up the vibe?

What tender enunciation against the starry night?

Her nose that probes a gentle bribe,

Her neck that rises to tame my fight.

What globes hang from a mighty purse nailed to a wall of delight?

What poundcake quivers at the brush of my callused, evil hands?

Her breasts that caused my soul a light,

Her belly the great beast that shakes these lands.

I am but a fool compared to thee!”

With that they began violent sex. The whites of her eyes showed to her that eternity poured into her mind, through her stomach, through her eventually. She too began to look like a righteous zombie. Connie, out of breath, struggled to get out these words- “A poem to sex!-

The destruction of the earth is at hand!

A beam of light splits my mind in half!!

I am now righteous as your soul brings my body to sleep!!!

Cursed be nothingness!!!!

A light brings my brain...into...power!!!!!

I am Zablewgonad!!!!!!”

Connie started screaming. From her mouth, shockingly, arose the chorus of apathy heard earlier. But now it was welcomed. This time it was louder than reality, and brought her utter bliss. Infinity was at hand. Suddenly her heart sank. She was being ripped away by reality. She exclaimed, “Come back for me!!!!!!”

“I shall fuck you again!!!!!! Harder!!!!!!”

Steven’s Trip

Machines. Machines everywhere. Is this a dream? Suddenly a robot jumped into him. Steven was frightened. He was not controlling his body. Suddenly the scene of the great porch passed onto the right of him as the real Steven turned around. He was on the computer the whole time? Then who IS Steven? “He” scrambled around the room, fearful and sobbing. Suddenly the advanced computer room passed onto the right of him as he turned from the magnetic resonance brain signal interpreter. Steven was screaming. The scream destroyed reality, and his- soul he guesses- God knows what the hell anything means anymore- tumbled forward in a space that wasn’t space. Then this space spiraled into a mathematical point and inverted itself into the inverse world. He then sprang into reality, yet everything was reversed.

Connie got punched in the face by a cyborg. While she was seeing stars, and while Steven and Lapis were seeing empathic stars, the cyborg proclaimed, “I am Killquest, pleased to meet you.” KIllquest was approximately seven feet tall with a slight resemblance to the “Somewhere in Space” Edward, the Steel Maiden mascot- only meaner. As he looked steven in the eye in anticipation for a response, it was if his bionic eyebrow was raised. Then weedo sternly spoke up.

“What has happened while I was gone?!”

“None of your business old fart.”

“I guess you could say I’m proud of my old age; you see, half of you hasn’t even lasted, and how old might you be? Scarcely any older than forty, and you won’t last the rest of the night if you continue to compromise the safety of my colleagues.”

“You best hold your tongue you stale old Munchoe. Do you know who I am?”

“Yes. An immature and rambunctious fool.”

“Guess again.”

“A naive and annoying pest.”

“Wrong. I am Killquest. And I am here to kill you.”

“Who sent you?”

“Admiral Bloodborn.”

“Well he must not care about you.”

With that, weedo started casting telepathy spells at the cyborg. It was a strange experience for Weedo to overpower the mechanical side of his enemy using only the biological. Is Killquest’s brain also part robot? To this Weedo was certain. Weedo started sending messages of sadness, depression, and doubt into Killquest.

I am a big idiot! What am I doing on this planet all by myself! This wizard is too powerful for me! BEWARE OF MALFUNCTION. COMPUTE. FIND LIMITS IN THE TARGET. Computation is growing too difficult for me! I used to get bullied in school! THOSE DAYS ARE GONE. FOCUS NOW. OBEY ADMIRAL BLOODBORN. Why does Admiral Bloodborn treat me like a dog? Am I only a slave to him?! ONLY A LITTLE LONGER AND YOU CAN PLEASE ADMIRAL BLOODBORN INTO COMPLACENCY. THEN STRIKE HIM WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT AND TAKE HIS ELEMENT BALLS TO HEAL YOUR BODY.

In reading the robotic thoughts, Weedo got a cunning idea. But this spell would be difficult. In essence, Weedo would have to send whole memories into Killquest’s head of him killing the entire party and completing his mission. Killquest would then perhaps kill Admiral Bloodborn. Weedo did so, but the spell was so powerful that he remotely ejaculated upon its completion.

Powerful Lust

Weedo was in his study. He smelled fresh weed, then he remembered he was smoking weed. He remembered an article from earlier that morning. “Government declares weed has no medicinal value yet again. Suck my dick!” he said aloud to himself. “You give someone more time than they give you? Why? Whatever hole is in your life, those people sure as fuck ain't gonna fill it. Shit on them! Stop waiting for something to happen! Cut out all the pieces of shit who are sucking you dry… It's called give and take. Some people only TAKE. So tell them to fuck off! It wasn't until I split with my first wife that I realized Led Zeppelin II is more than just one of the hottest batches of thick, sexy blues rock put to record. It's a concept album. Hear me out, lovers of all things rock - the prevailing theme throughout each track is being a fucking man and making your own way. Not depending on anything or anyone for your happiness except your goddamn self. Some two-timing gal broke your heart? You let it happen, bud. You keep on ramblin'. Through times both good and bad, you gotta keep searching. Searching for love, happiness, prosperity, knowledge - Zep were seekers. They might have sold their souls to black magic and heroin in the end, but in their fresh days they were wide-eyed lads with an insatiable hunger. They set out to take over the world, and they fucking did it. Some people cry and some people die by the wicked ways of love…” Weedo continued, to himself. He didn’t know that Connie was listening. Weedo turned to her, alarmed. Connie quickly said, “No worries bud. I feel your pain.”

“Hmm.”

“I just came to request apprenticeship on the ways of your psychic ability”

Weedo paused.

“Answer exactly as your gut would have it.”

“You just said it.”

“What?”

“You just learned the ways of magic. You just need a way of polishing…”

“Forgive me. I simply don’t ‘get it’”

“Simply get it! Just… ah um.”

Connie slapped herself in the head. Her first lesson began.

Peedee gets a dildo

Lars straightened his tie.

“Peedee, I need you to run some numbers for me”

“What is it sir?”

“The element ball, the ones those men procured, how far has it traveled?”

Peedees fingers typed like, uh, like a race horse.

“Lars… it appears their ship… well… no this cant be right….”

“Out with it you fucking cock sucker bitch”

Peedee turned the his computer monitor to show Lars. A puzzled look came across Lars’ face. He cleaned his glasses on his shirt and took a closer look, as if he couldnt believe what he was seeing.

“I cant believe what im seeing!”

“Me neither Dr. Lars… it is… perplexing…”

“This much be a glitch… Peedee have you defragmented the solid state magnets?”

“Of course sir… like i do every morning… i even took apart and cleaned out the dust inside the cyber cube battery.”

“Wow really? … then theres no way this can be wrong….”

“I keep refreshing the page and it stays the same.”

“If what were reading is true….then their spaceship is…. Right above us?”

“That appears to be correct… let me see if turning the computer on and off again fixes it”

Lars scratched his chin and walked to the window. Frustrated, he opened the window and took a look outside, finding it hard to believe the element ball could be right over his head. As he craned his neck out the window, the spaceship crashed into Peedees office, ramming itself right up his ass. Connie stepped out of the ship, element ball in one hand, laser gun in the other.

“Looking for this? :y”

Lars was furious, and Peedee was screaming in pain.

“You fools would be smart to turn over what doesnt belong to you!”

“Ok”

With that, Connie threw the ball really hard and hit Lars in the nuts.

“Hows that for element ball lol”

Lars was doubled over in pain holding his nuts, and Connie took a shit on Lars’ head. Then she shot him.

“Thatll teach that bastard”

Connies attention was drawn to a scream coming from where they had landed their ship.

“Oh sorry, looks like we got our ship up your ass”

“Please... help….”

“Hmm… steven… Lapis… little help here?”

The three tried their hardest to pull Peedee free, but they couldnt, because it was too far up his butt hahahah

“Oh well, leave him there, it looks kind of funny lol”

And with that they left.

Silent Hills

“All done. How do you feel?” asked Greg. Peedee was rigged with an oxygen machine and an intestine redirection. He was now in fusion with the Hawk, a literal figurehead of the ship. BADLY was the text that appeared on the Hawk communications screen. Greg waved his hand as a gesture to waft away the negativity. “All done boys. You’re welcome.” But Greg saw a look of malcontent on their faces as they stood at the ship’s entrance. “What… what’s wrong.”

“Why in the hell is there biological muck on the inside of our ship.”

“That’s a natural consequence of keeping Peedee alive. His lifeforce spread throughout the ship. His guts are stuffed in the boiler room, out of your way. You’ll literally be inside him, you see. He will consume asteroids of his own accord.”

“We are not happy with this business.”

“Because you are ignorant. Where’s the fuel tank?”

“We don’t know. Good fucking point. What have you done to our ship?!”

“‘Your ship’? Oh bud, that’s Peedee. He says he’ll go by Hawk Peedee. And as I was saying, now asteroids are all that’s needed to refuel. Now, about that ball…”

“Enough Greg.”

Steven was typing away on the computers keyboard, familiarizing himself with the ships new consciousness.

“Enough?!”

Greg was incredulous.

“You know how much it costs to reroute a mans nervous system into-“

In one swift motion Steven pulled a test tube from his pocket and dangled it in front of Greg face, almost as if to taunt him.

“This is what you wanted right? Bromos?”

Greg was mesmerized by the glowing bluish purple gas in the test tube. His man breasts hung as he watched the gas swirl around the test tube. However to Greg, if there’s one thing more important than bromos, its money to get more bromos. He shook his fat face to snap himself out of the trance and looked Steven in the eye.

“Th-the deal was!-“

“The deal was we get you bromos in exchange for ship repair.”

“That’s not how I remember it! You specifically stated an unused element ball!!! And connecting a man to your ship goes far beyond a simple pit stop! This isn’t a gas station! Ive got mouths to feed!”

“Your green bromo addicted Apprentice? Maybe you should learn how to share your food better… you seem to not be going hungry…”

Steven chuckled and poked Greg in his man tits to taunt him. Greg slapped away stevens hand and got red in the face.

“Ive got a gland disorder!”

“Oh?”

“And besides that! You specifically stated an unused element ball!”

“And whats a man of your health going to be doing absorbing an element ball? The thing would tear you to shreds.”

“I… I don’t intend to absorb it! I simply want to… rel-“

At this steven laughed

“Don’t tell me… relocate? Youre planning on selling something this powerful to the highest bidder? For what? So you can spend it on pizza and bromos? “

“Youre telling me you never intended on paying me?!”

Greg had tears in his eyes. Steven sighed and shook his head.

“You failed the test Greg. You blew it, from the start I thought you might be in this for selfish reasons but… well, it was disappointing to be proven right. I was hopeful that you had some greater plans for an unused element ball but… I guess that’s what I get for being optimistic.”

“B-but…”

“Connie… please escort this man off the ship… Peedee keeps sending me pain signals… Greg is… heavy…”

Connie put her hand on Greg’s shoulder. Greg’s disappointment turned to anger as he turned around and pushed Connie away.

“You wont get away with this!!”

Steven simply shook his head and turned away. Connie punched Greg in the back of the head and began to drag him off the ship.

“Oh and Connie, don’t forget his payment.”

“Ah”

Connie picked up the bag of bromos and took it with her. Steven turned to the monitor as the doors shut behind Connie.

“Now… lets get you talking..”

With a few quick keystrokes Steven downloaded a voice synthesis program from the space internet and loaded it into Peedees mainframe.

“How’s that work for you Peedee, can you hear me?”

A robotic voice came from the speakers.

“It hurts…”

“In pain? Wonder if there’s a way to shut that off… hmm no… you shouldn’t be feeling anything Peedee, your nerve endings are off right now.”

“My ass… my ass hurts…. “

Steven chuckled

“Nonsense, its all in your head, a phantom pain. Should go away after you get used to this, sucks but hey, it just lets you know you’ve got a bit of your humanity left.”

“What do you mean? Humanity? Where am I? Where is Lars?”

“Lars is dead, you’ve been transformed into a… cyborg… of sorts…”

“Cyborg?”

“Well… you’re more of a decoration for our ship… you’ve not got much control, but for all intents and purposes, you’re our ship now.”

“I see…”

“Welcome aboard… Hawk Peedee…”

“Jesus Christ.... Is this even real?!”

“Yes sir. Reality is painful.”

The Pains of Reality

Connie looked particularly miffed. She spoke up. “Peedee won’t stop sobbing!”

“He’s undergone a rough transformation…” said Steven.

“Ah yes. He’ll never have a life, a wife, or kids.”

“Actually… Greg arranged for his children, as a passing gesture of kindness. A wife however? She’d be quite bizarre… But hey! Remember that girl from psychology class that was in love with the Eiffel Tower?”

“I see where you’re going with this…”

“Yep. Wanna find Peedee a wife?”

“Strangely, yes.”

“Ok, lets find an asylum planet.”

So off the threesome, ah yes, foursome went. To Zherghaba-z. They conversed with many women there… many rejections, yet they found a girl called Sadie. Sadie was surprisingly hot, and she didn’t care that Peedee was a spaceship at all. She was what the asylum committee called “too smart and radical for her age.” And her age was 20, a lucious lass indeed. She also suffered from “chronic sexual compulsions.” Long story short, she had to use a dildo in her cell over 20 times a day. Good thing there was a console in the back with Peedee’s dick intact, on a pedestal in fact.

Peedee vibrated the ship from then on, 10 times a day, shivering with ecstasy from having his sensory modules amplified. The other 10 times was split unevenly between the threesome. Needless to say, the ship started to reek of hormones. The whole crew started smoking cartons of cigarettes to cope with the smell of fish and wet dog. And the crew noticed tumors welling up on the inside of the ship as a result of this- although Peedee barely noticed since we was too busy shivering in ecstasy. He couldn’t quite maintain his dignity-

“You guys are the best! Did I ever get laid in a body? Nope! Who needs one?”

“That’s the spirit Peedee. We must improvise in life. A bit of this and a bit of that. A bit of Bromos, a bit of cigarette.”

The whole crew was looking more and more disheveled. They couldn’t quite discern what kind of trance they were in, but they were surely in one. Here’s a hint, dear reader- this was no ordinary girl. She seemed to suck the life out of the crew- for at a glance they were looking more and more negligent. What they didn’t know is she used to be a parapsychology specialist… and she hungered for the balls. No, the other ones.

Giant Rodophontaleus and the Escape to Ghondalob

Sadie finished swallowing. Peedee recited a poem for the descent from the heights of ecstasy.

“Bulbous protrusions brush my insides

Tickled with the faint footsteps

Of an angel.

Lips of Dionysus wreak havoc on the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

Breasts that springly leap

From the squeeze of the latex zipped shirt.

As you ready the saddle of your monumental moment of naive prodding image

The ship at space rocks with chaos.”

Lapis started sarcastically clapping and walking in on the scene. She was not happy. She sensed something amiss.

“A bit of privacy, Lapis?”

“Privacy? Ridiculous.”

“Hmm?”

“I am inside you.”

“Ah yes.”

“Sadie, I’ve got my eyes on you.”

This distressed Sadie. Does he know?

The Golobranchielios

I pooped my pants. My name is Golobranchielios. I come from Ziergobrehliebrieskielos. I’m a poor man, but what I make is well-earned. What do I do for a living, you ask? I sell bromos. Shh, don’t tell nobody. I’m about to sell to Connie and Lapis. But this bromos is poisoned. I’m getting big money for this.

The Rage

Connie took a sniff from the bag. Her eyebrow perked up. She stared into the bag for a period of time which distressed Golobranchielios. She impulsively sniffed it again. This caused Golobranchielios to wince and act ahead of himself, so he yelled out, “I said, that will be fifty galaxos!” This was just the que Connie needed. She knew something was very wrong. But she has a plan to take out two birds with one bromos.

“Sadie!” yelled Connie.

“Yes, babe?”

“I’ve got a salesman here, wantin’ more than we’re willing to give. But we’re willing to trade.”

“Oh please! Don’t do this! I love Peedee!”

“Oh, Sadie. Please. I meant sex. I thought you spoke one language alone!”

“Ah. That’s more like it.”

But one look at Golobranchielios and she thought it was more hate it. He’s an ugly bastard.

“But, Sadie, the great threesome only sells used goods. Golobranchielios, would you please excuse us?”

“I-I don’t even know what’s going on. Do what you’re gonna do.” replied Golobranchielios.

Connies face was close to the budding rose. It smells of the faintest sea breeze. Then he sailed the seas of vitality. She groaned as he and she felt groan through their bodies. The ache of destruction grabbed their muscles and squeezed the lemon. The nerf hit the target, and the subtle sound of a pig barn roared through the ship. The moment of the first vital drop of black coffee hitting the bottom of the pot. The fresh influx of messengers through the body when greeted by the morning cold. Then Connie exploded. And the ship disembarked. In an instant, the earth, and cares, were delicate and spindly. As they should be.

Connie came back out, and everybody turned around as if they were waiting. Golobranchielios had his finger on his chin as if he was trying to stop himself from distressing. Connie poofed the edge of his tuxedo. He felt swag.

“The whore is used. Your turn. But first, I think you should know that there is but one condition for Sadie to have sex with a stranger. She always wants to get both fucked in the anus and vagina at the same time. And considering that there is none here willing to partake, besides maybe yourself, a “dildo” will do just fine, would it not?”

“Fine, I just want to cum!” Golobranchielios was getting a feeling of exponential bizarrity.

“Ok, good. Let me show y’all to your dildo. You get the ass, by the way.”

“I prefer anus!” Connie raised her brow.

Connie pointed to Peedee’s dick. She then whispered to Sadie, “I’m counting on you.”

While Sadie, Peedee and Golobranchielios were fucking, Connie injected bromos, which acts as a potent aphrodisiac as a side effect, into the walls of the Hawk while sporting a devilish grin. Peedee became so massive that he crushed Golobranchielios, who bled to death soon afterwards. Then Peedee, in turn, exploded. As for Sadie, she was basically elastic. Though Steven later commented on the length of her neck… So, Connies plan of taking out two birds with one stone was a success. Peedee knew about the plan, and being tired of his inability for a real relationship, had Connie use artificial insemination. He wanted to pass on his legacy. And that, dear readers, no doubt will happen.

Greg Peedee

“Wahhh.”

“I’m so glad I have a son. I hope he doesn’t look down on his father.”

Sadie, holding young Greg, looked up at the speaker.

“Surely not, Peedee. You’ve had… quite a legacy.”

“That’s right, now that you mention it… Say, why don’t we rename this ship… “The Legacy!”

Devil Dick

Zaga was pooping. He heard a knock on his door.

“Dont come in, im pooping”

The door opened anyways.

“Zaga, weve recovered Jamie, youre going to want to see this.”

Zaga squeezed out his shit and left the bathroom without wiping his ass. He opened the door to find a gay looking man in a wheelchair wearing a stern expression. It was his subordinate, the infamous Lars Lars.

“Sorry, i was pooping. Whats this then?”

“Jamie sir, hes alive”

Zaga raised an eyebrow and began to walk down the hallway with Lars.

“I sure hope you’ve been wise enough to wipe his brain Lars. I dont want to end up in a wheelchair like you.”

Lars looked down as flashbacks of getting fucked by jamie shook him to his core. The beast had been let loose on Lars for an element ball scam gone wrong, his own coworker turned against him, fucking him in the ass for a whole day before Lars was able to get the upper hand and shoot Jamie in the chest. He was lucky to be alive, however the accident had left Lars paralyzed.

“Restraints were… ineffective once we pieced his brain together and he regained full consciousness Lord Zaga... “

“Regained consciousness? Isn’t that what we have sedatives for?”

“He was metabolizing them at an alarming rate, doctors say he was pissing it out as they pumped it in”

“My god.”

“Indeed. It really begs the question…”

“What the fuck were they doing to him on that ship? Running experiments on him?”

“Not likely sir, the crew aboard the hawk appears to only specialize in engineering, they're not stupid but I certainly wouldn’t call them biologists.”

“Then what the fuck happened to him?”

“Based on old intel on the crew sir, the answer appears to be… LOTS of drug parties, also some sort of training regiment…”

“You mean to tell me jamie became this monster out of sheer willpower? What the hell did you find in his blood? Any type of steroids or…”

“No sir. Nothing in his blood but large amounts of bromohydrin. Also an intense amphetamine known as… zaka… you uh, you snort it….”

“No doubt that played a role in his “training”, but still… zaka alone doesnt make a man into this…”

“Thats all we found sir… aside from habanero seeds in his stool….”

Lord Zaga was pissed and frustrated. He stopped to ponder what kind of men he was up against and punched a wall because he was so pissed.

“God damnit Lars! If these men are anything like Jamie… FUCK!”

“I agree sir. Were fucked.”

“And these men have the majority of the element balls?”

“We’re simply not sure. Theres a good chance they have at least one.”

“Jesus Lars…. At least one?”

“I know sir I know… the damage they could cause…”

The two arrived to the cell where Jamie was being kept. He was naked and rubbing his shit on the walls. His head was bandaged up and covered in specks of poop and blood. Jamie noticed the two men from the window and made a face similar to that of an angry chimpanzee. He pounded the ground with his fists and began to charge at the window and beat on the glass. His loud screams penetrated the thick walls of his containment cell.

“How the fuck are we supposed to get any information out of this thing?”

Just then, Lars’ phone rang, and zaga grabbed it from him.

“Who is this?”

“It is I, killquest.”

Zaga dropped the phone.

#steven universe #fanfic

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