#which sounds fine but i have a dumb brain and i don't think anybody wants to hear a disjointed ramble on why this and that and who and why | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

letrashbag · 8 months

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I woke up at like 5:30-6 this morning and then I spent 2 hours cleaning my whole house, which is so therapeutic I cannot even, but now its like 10 o'clock and I have nothing to do.

Anybody else ever get that feeling of something just like itching in your skin so you have to do something, but the second you try doing anything it just gets so much worse. I am barely holding it together right now, actively typing this.

I can't watch youtube videos (short dumb videos aren't engaging enough and long serious videos are too engaging), I can't listen to a podcast (I need something to do physically with my body and the thought of listening to something while doing something else sounds like actual torture right now), I can't draw (I need to be listening to something and again the idea of having more than one thing take my attention sounds miserable), doom scrolling is out (I already reached my end point for tumblr and going down any other rabbit holes will only last a couple of minutes before I'll reach the point of wanting to tear my hair out), there's nothing I can clean or organize that will take enough effort to engage me but still be quick enough that I'll feel a sense of accomplishment for, I can't read an online comic because the words are so small and my eyes hurt, I can't read my webtoons because it's been a while since I've read anything and the idea of having to catch up sounds exhausting, any shows or movies I could watch are either too new and would take emotional effort to get invested in or are too familiar and won't be stimulating enough.

Basically I'm gonna die.

There are literally a million things I could be doing, and the idea of doing any of them sounds absolutely miserable. But I'm barely staving off the rising pressure by typing this out and I know the second I stop it'll creep up and I'll die.

Maybe I could go running? Except then I'd have to change clothes and my exercise clothes are disgusting. I can't do laundry cause my family's dryer is broken, so I can't wash my clothes yet. I also can't wash my towel so I can't take a shower.

Ugh, my hair is so disgusting right now. I have it all tied up in a weird way so that I don't rip it out of my scalp. I can't wait until I can shave my head, then I won't have to worry about this.

So I can't do my self care activities, and I can't accomplish a task that is very important to my everyday functions, and that's breaking me brain.

Noted.

Maybe when I rant like this I'll figure out what makes me feel this way.

I'm so tired, I want to take a nap, but I know I won't be able to fall asleep. I want to clean some more, but there isn't anything for me to do really. Especially since I have family members out and about getting in the way. UUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

It's fine.

I'm fine.

I'm doing great.

I'm losing my mind.

Maybe I should write poetry? I haven't done that in a while. But it sounds too involved. I already drew a bunch of angsty stuff after the fight with my mom. We're both just ignoring it by the way. I'm avoiding her as much as I can without making it obvious, and neither of us are addressing it. I only have one more week and then I'm gone. I'm so excited to leave.

Okay, I think this is it.

My brain is giving up on me.

I knew this wouldn't last forever, but it lasted for a bit, and for that I am grateful.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Okay, I'm done.

#just ranting #I'm so sick of everything #and literally nothing is going wrong #so that's great #my brain functions so well #I just love it so much.

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strawbxrryneptune · 3 years

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When We Fall

Warnings: Graphic sexual content including oral (Male and female receiving w 69) use of sir kink, light biting, pain kink, wing play, etc, mentions of suicide and character death, hints at cheating but it didn't happen, sacrilegious themes? I think?? You're fucking an angel so like,, that's pretty blasphemous lmao, fuckin in front of amirror, reverse cowgirl

It's gonna sound a little wonky at certain parts but bare with me, I'm bad at serious stuff.

^^Pictures do not belong to me !! I made the collage but the art is not mine^^

♡♡

Katsuki Bakugou never saw himself as worth saving. If he was dumb enough to fall behind, dumb enough to let things get too much, then it was on him.

If he was gonna be saved, it would be by himself. He didn't need anyone for anything. He told himself that for years, as a young angel in training, through his apprentice years, even now as a successful guardian.

He got this far by himself, why did he need anybody else? He didn't see that he was stuck. He couldn't move past this point without someone else. That's why Deku was the right hand man of The Highest and not Bakugou. Stupid, stupid, Deku. Bakugou was furious when the courts announced it. What did Deku have that he didn't? He was strong, he was powerful, and he got the job done. That's basically what you need to be a guardian angel, isn't it? When he had complained to the courts, all they had said was "Patience, young one." He had scoffed.

What did patience have to do with anything? He had plenty of patience. Patience was something he had to practice daily, dealing with the kinds of people he did.

He was always assigned to old people, dying out before he could even get attached. Not that attachment would be a problem. He was Bakugou Katsuki, for Christ's sake!! He didn't "get attached", especially to old farts.

That all changed once he was assigned to you.

You, with your glowing skin and beautiful eyes, pulling him in the moment he saw your case file. He used to see you when he was living, a friend of a friend. He never got to talk to you cause you were always around stupid Deku. Y'all might have been together, but he didn't care. He had to meet you, talk to you, touch you, taste you. He would visit in your dreams, talking to you and making you laugh, holding you though the bad parts he couldnt change.

When you finally worked up the gal to ask who he was, he took a deep breath and told you. He was your guardian, assigned to you until you die, there to protect you and keep bad things away. You simply laughed and told him,

"Fine, don't tell me."

He only growled down at you, huffing before disappearing into the cloudy depths of your consciousness.

You didn't see him for weeks, trying to conjure him back in your head, but to no avail. Finally, finally he showed up, but it was not in your dreams. No, he showed up at the foot of your bed, glowing a dewy gold with his wings spread out behind him, tunic wrapping lightly around his slim hips.

You gaped at him, your brain trying to process what it was seeing. He smirked down at you, stalking over to where your soft body lay, trailing thick, calloused fingers over the expanse of your exposed thighs. He lifts up the hem of your oversized tshirt slightly, quirking an eyebrow in question.

You bite your lip and spread your thighs as an invitation, making him groan and slide into the sheets with you.

He gently positions you so you're straddling his face, facing his swelling cock as it makes his tunic rise.

He kisses you through the fabric of your panties, running his tongue up and down the fabric while groaning about how wet you got for him, how much of a slut you were for lusting after an angel.

He finally rips your panties off of you after teasing for what felt like hours, immediately sucking your fat clit in his mouth, moaning at the taste of you. He grips your hips to grind you roughly against him, sucking at you and sliding thick fingers into you, making you mewl and shake above him.

As you push your hips against his pretty face, you notice how big the bulge is in front of you, looking almost painful. You moan softly at the feelings coursing through you and the sight of him so aroused from just eating you out. You bring shaky hands up to grope at his clothed cock, causing him to let out a startled sound into your pussy.

"Fuck, Princess- whaddya doin-"

You cut him off by grinding yourself further onto his mouth, unwrapping the cloth around his waist and watching his cock slap up. You salivated at the sight of it, thick with veins running along it, the head leaking copious amounts of prespend. You shiver when you feel Bakugou's tounge slide into your slit, his teeth catching on your sex and making you whimper above him.

You lean down and run your tongue along the pulsing veins littering his fat cock, ripping a raspy moan from the blonde's lips. His thighs clench in front of you with the sudden urge to fuck up into your mouth, but he resists it in favor of adding two more fingers into you, now stretching you with three and making you groan. He laps at your clit, determined to make you cum before him.

You suck at his tip, dipping into it before moving down further, rolling your tongue along the underside of his shaft as you fondle his balls, making his hips jump when you circle his taint with your fingers. He whimpers into your pussy, tongue stilling inside you as he revels in the pleasure. He's glad you can't see him, cause his eyes are rolled all the way up, drool and your slick running down his cheeks. You slide your hands up and down his thighs fondling his balls and sucking him down your throat, moaning around him when his movements pick up. Just when you think you'll make him cum, he pushes you off of his face.

You blink to yourself in confusion, before he grabs you from behind and positions you over his leaking cock, his breath fanning over your neck before he sinks his cock inside of you, simultaneously sinking his teeth into your neck to muffle his whines.

You arch your back in pleasure, locking eyes with him in the mirror at the foot of your bed that you know wasn't there before. He smirks against your neck, snapping his hips up into you as he grabs at the fat of your tits, playing with your nipple with one hand while the other brushes over your clit.

"Why don't you ask your guardian to help you cum, hm?"

You gasp out, barely able to get out a word as he bounces you on his lap, his fat tip hitting your spot with every thrust.

"Ka-Katsukiii-"

"Nu-uh, that's not my name, slut. You only get to call me Sir, yeah?"

You choke out a feeble,

"Yes sir-!"

Before going back to being a garbled mess. You reach back for stability, only to brush along soft feathers, realizing that Bakugou hadn't put his wings away. In your hazy state of mind, you slowly started to run your fingers up and down the spine of his wings, moaning breathing in his ear as your head tilts back, causing a shudder to run down Bakugou's body, all the way to the head if his dick which pulsed violently inside of you.

He flicked at your clit, growling into your neck to cum, which you did without hesitation, creaming his cock. He gritted his teeth at how tight you clenched around him, and with one look at the white ring you left around the base of his swelling cock, he came inside you, spurting endless amounts of spend. He panted hotly against you, gs tly pulling you off to go clean up, chuckling when he saw you passed out.

♡♡

The hall of the Higher Ups was always huge, but with the guilt and shame resting on his shoulders, the room seemed even bigger to Bakugou. He avoided eye contact with the Advisor, staring dead into Shitty Deku's eyes.

"Why the fuck am I here, nerd? Shouldn't I have already transferred Down There?"

Deku winces at Bakugou's language, straightening up.

"I managed to convince the Council to give you a second chance, Kaachan. This was the first time you were assigned to someone young and appealing, and it's not like there are a lot of options up here-"

"Would you shut the fuck up already? I did what I did, I don't need you picking up after me and trying to be my saviour."

Bakugou sneers, backing Deku up. He rolls his eyes when the Advisor steps forward to intervene, only for Deku to hold a hand up.

"I don't know why you're always right there. You're like some creepy stalker or sumthin'. You have everything you could fuckin' want! Why are you bothering me, especially when I'm to get your position-"

"Because I fucking care, Kaachan!"

Bakugou flinches back at the tone of Deku's voice, surprised at the curse that came out of his mouth.

"Why do you think you're even here still? I'm the one who convinces the Council to let you stay here, even with your foul mouth and crude ways. I'm the one who got you up here in the first place. They gave me a choice. Condemn you to Hell for what you did to me, or let you be here and make peace, but you make it so hard. I thought you would've changed. But I guess you just hate me that much, huh Bakugou. Hate me so much you would fuck her, after all this time."

The blonde's eyes widen, his face burning hot in anger.

"Why would you bring that shit up, it was in high school-"

"I DIED BECAUSE OF YOU."

The hall is silent, Deku's voice echoing around the walls, the words "because of you" ricocheting in Bakugou's head.

"You didn't do shit cause of me, Midoriya. You decided to do it, right?"

Deku scoffs, tears filling his eyes as he turns towards the Advisor.

"Still as blunt as ever, Bakugou. Take him away."

Bakugou turns away, spitting out an "I can do it myself" before waking out the hall, keeping his head high even as scornful Higher Ups regard him, strutting to the transporter. He gets in and pushes the button, vermillion eyes locked on piercing green ones all the way down.

♡♡

When you wake up in the morning, the bed is empty, but there's a note on your dresser from Bakugou, telling you how he's going on a little trip for a bit, but he won't forget you.

He'll never forget you.

♡♡

@boooooooooom

♡♡

Masterlist

#bakugo smut #bakugou katsuki smut #bakugou smut #katsuki bakugou smut #fallenangel!bakugou #bucket-talks #bakugou x reader

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indigo-mayhem · 2 years

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my symptoms

hi today i'm going to be talking about OCD and how it personally affects my life because fuck it sure does

NSFW warning because some of my obsessions are very uncomfortable (for me and probably for you too) and if you don't wanna read about that then uh. don't i guess. also tw for mentions of disordered(ish) eating and incest (sorry. it's my brain's fault)

so my obsessions can be, as i said, very uncomfortable. they include standard stuff like saying or doing something embarrassing, to engaging in... inappropriate contact with people i really should not be doing things like that with (i.e. family, teachers). it fucking sucks ass all the time and i hate it so much.

i also have numerical obsessions, especially when it comes to eating certain numbers of things or volume numbers. for example, i just can't eat four cookies. one, two, three, and five are all fine, but not four. i will ruminate on it for however long it takes me to have a fifth cookie because god knows i'm going to have to in order to stop thinking about it.

i know that my phone volume goes from zero to sixteen so i restrict myself to having my volume at one, two, three, five, eight, ten, twelve, thirteen, fifteen, or sixteen. four, eleven, and fourteen are okay i guess but not ideal. seven and nine are bad and i only have my volume on them if i feel that one lower is too quiet and one higher is too loud.

i get obsessions about mentally/emotionally harming people accidentally. i ruminate on how i can be the best person i can be and how not to offend anybody. it sounds kinda dumb but i really don't want to accidentally cause drama because i didn't know something. i don't want to say the wrong thing.

i also suffer from less common obsessions like existential obsessions. these are basically exactly what they sound like. i contemplate human existence, as well as my own, to an unhealthy and time consuming extent. it makes me feel worse about myself and my path in life as well, which is just awesome. it's like a 2-in-1 deal; spend a stupid amount of time thinking about something that's going to force you into even further depression. this is a more recently manifested obsession but it's totally kicking my ass.

now. my compulsions are more complicated because i don't have very clear ones. my most dramatic compulsion is trichotillomania, or hair pulling. it's left me with bald patches and it's really embarrassing to explain when someone asks why my hair is everywhere.

other compulsions that honestly might just be normal person things/not even ocd related:

i feel really uncomfortable if i use the bathroom without washing my hands, it's like my hands are contaminated and dry and i can't touch anything until i wash them. this one doesn't affect me that much because it's not hard for me to just wash my hands after using the bathroom. it's not inconvenient and it's not overly strange. it's probably just a normal person thing to be honest. i'm not too worried about this one.

sometimes i get phrases "stuck in my head" and i feel that i have to repeat them in my mind a certain amount of times. i also have a system where i use my thumb to "draw" on my palm, and i have to do it a certain amount of times. i will sometimes use my thumb to "write" the phrase that's in my head on my palm. i've been doing this for as long as i can remember, actually. it doesn't bother me that much but it's kind of distracting.

you could have probably guessed that i have numerical compulsions as well. when i look at the clock and it's a set of numbers that just feel right, i'm satisfied, but if it's not right, it'll bother me and i'll have to keep looking back at the clock until it is right. i'm not going to get into what makes a number feel right vs. wrong because my brain has come up with a stupidly complicated set of rules and exceptions that i don't think i could fully explain if i tried. and if i did, i'm sure i would sound insane.

another thing is writing and rewriting something over and over again until it's right. this is actually hella time consuming and frustrating, and why i greatly prefer typing to handwriting. the longer i look at something i've handwritten, the more i want to redo it until it's perfect. i remember having a little breakdown in 6th grade because i just kept erasing and rewriting and playing with the zipper on my pencil case, zipping and unzipping as fast as i could, trying to make the feeling go away.

i don't have neatness/cleanliness compulsions so my room is a shithole but i do have symmetry compulsions where i just,,, want everything to be symmetrical. pretty self explanatory.

that's pretty much all that i remember but i might make more parts to this because i want to destigmatize these symptoms and make people understand how big a part of me they are. i can't just... shut off my mental illness. i talk about it so often because it never goes away. i don't get to choose to stop feeling it, so it's hard to choose not to talk about it so much. maybe i'm just being weird. i dunno. don't judge me for this. i can't do much about it.

thanks for reading.

#ocd #actually ocd #ocd symptoms #mental illness #mental health #mental health awareness #original content

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floatingbook · 3 years

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I've no idea if this is the right place to ask this, probably not but I'm a bit desperate since I've got no one to talk to irl about this. I feel massive, my bmi is considered healthy, people would describe me as average in every aspect, at least from the side. From the front I feel I look like a personified bulldog, an ox, stupid dumb eyes, weirdly shaped mouth, and my face is still kind of my main selling point. I've got big shoulders, broad hips and upper tights, mostly muscle, I done very little to get them. When I went to the gym I built up a bit more muscle and quit immediately it just highlighted everything even more, that stuff luckily went away after a while but only as far as what I gained through the exercises, the rest stayed. I probably would be completely ok with myself if I had grown a bit taller, the proportions would fit a lot better then.

Next to other women (and enough men) I feel like a cartoon character that was placed into the wrong series, a completely other "drawing style" for lack of better words. I hate myself so much, I don't leave the house other than for work and chores anymore, I always feel like a clown. I apologize for the word vomit, but I'm desperate, do you have any suggestions? Anything I could read, listen to?

You seem to have a very skewered perception of your body. From what you have written, you’re healthy and strong, so you have little to worry about health wise? You don’t describe having trouble to carry out any action physically, so you are in good physical condition? And apparently, you get strong fast when you put yourself into it? All of this sound great to me. We often aren’t good judges of wether we’ve put a lot of work into getting things done, so I’m taking your affirmation that you did very little to earn your muscles with a grain of salt. It’s more likely that you have fallen into a habit of discounting your own work. That, and the fact that not all women have the same metabolism. We don’t all built muscle the same way, and in that case you’d certainly be better served by working into looking at it gratefully, instead of putting yourself down for something you’re naturally better at than other women. Life is not a competition, we have different characteristics and advantages from the beginning, and denying it or pretending it has any moral weight does not help you move forward.

You’re not a clown, you very likely look nothing like a bulldog nor an ox. You’re maybe a little on the short side, but a strong woman. You would feel better about yourself if you focused on what you have: a functioning, healthy, strong body, one which allows you to carry out the tasks you want to do. What others think about your face is irrelevant, because 1. you can’t do anything about it (you can’t control their minds) 2. you can’t do anything about it (are you going to get plastic surgery? to switch bodies?) 3. do you really want to hold yourself to the irrealistic standards of social media? there’s nothing genuine about full make-up photoshopped faces and bodies, so your scale of judgement is never going to be satisfied 4. why do you let others have all the power over your feelings about yourself?

Do you judge other women you see in the street like this? Do you think to yourself “oh she’s an elephant”, “oh she has a dog’s face”, “oh her proportions are crazy”? I bet not. You’re walking and worrying about how they judge you. Except they aren’t, just like you they are wondering “does she think i’m too short and too wide?”, “does she think my haircut makes me look old?”, … There are way less people judging you than you think, and for those who do, do you think they obsess over you specifically all day? At worst, they see you, you register in their brain, they make a comment to themselves, and then they move on. You don’t live rent-free in people’s heads. We all have better things to do and bigger fish to fry than ponder the BMI of strangers on the street and then obsess over it for days.

A small exercise to put things into perspective, would you talk about one of your friend like this? Would you disparage her like this? Then why is it acceptable to do it to you? You should treat yourself like you would a friend. You need to be your own friend.

Being short is not a moral failing, it’s just a fact. Being strong, having big shoulders, broad hips, strong thighs and muscle is not a bad thing. It only makes you a normal woman. And we all have to accept that we are just ourselves, nothing more, and that we’ll never be anybody else. There’s no point in wishing you were more like “other women” because it won’t happen, you’re just setting yourself up for lifelong misery. I guarantee you that you are not a cartoon character next to other women. Women have an extensive range of body shapes, we’re not all just carbon-copies of each other with you as the single outlier.

Maybe you’re not looking at yourself enough, or looking at yourself too much with others’ eyes. By the latter I mean that you’re always looking at yourself in mirrors or in pictures, in the reflections in glass windows when you go out. You’re not looking directly at yourself. You’re looking at a distorted, at a filtered image of yourself. You’re looking at something distinct from yourself, something alien. Cover mirrors, stop taking selfies, try to forget that constructed image for a while. Look at yourself with your own two eyes and nothing else if you really have to look. Don’t focus so much on having an appearance while you exist and instead focus on existing. Pretend you’re invisible. Wear your sloppiest clothes on a grocery errand and realise that no one cares. You’re not going to be arrested over it, the cashier is not going to refuse your money for it. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t have to matter.

You have nothing you need to hate yourself for. You are just a woman, alive. That’s what you should focus on. You’re fine, you’re normal, you’re average, you’re just alive. Push yourself a little, get out there, nothing will happen to you and it will become easier.

If anyone has any reading or listening to suggest, feel free to link it in the notes. But I think that what you need most, here, is to cultivate an attitude of not caring about it. Try to relax about existing. There’s mental reframing to do, certainly, but most important is repeated practise. Go out there and exist.

#answered #anonymous #on appearances #let yourself exist #much love to you anon #i know this is not easy #but there is nothing wrong with you

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artificialqueens · 6 years

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Crazy, stupid, sudden (Craquaria) Part 2 - Catrina

A/N: This was gonna be only a one shot bc I didn’t know if you would like it, but you asked, and I delivered. I had so much fun writing this, I hope you like it as much as I did. Some things: 1. Thanks @likeuranus for giving me ideas and opinions, ily! 2. I used Miz as Cracker’s name in the first part bc I was confused about it (for the anon who said it was like calling Miss Fame ‘Miss’) 3. I didn’t expect you would like it so much! PLEASE REMEMBER TO send some feedback if you liked this part and make me know if you want a third part? 4. Would you be insterested if I do a kind of “side chapter” where I explain Sharon and Alaska’s story better? Make me know at @the-glitter-skeleton and feel free to talk to me lmao I need friends <3 That’s it, enjoy.

Miz is going crazy. She just can’t understand —even when Monet tells her there’s nothing to understand— and her stubborn mind isn’t helping at all.

“So, in summary, you have a crush” her friend says, turning to her locker.

“I do” Miz sighs tiredly, leaning her back on the locker next to Monet’s. “And I don’t know how to get close to her”

“You drool over her since last year, didn’t you have enough time to plan shit like that?” she mocks, changing books into her bag.

Miz opens her mouth indignantly, ready to argue. “I don't—”

Monet closes the door of her locker suddenly, looking at her friend with a raised brow. “Christmas party, five months ago; you, Blair and I were outside the theater when certain girl with aquatic name walked by. ’She’s the prettiest thing I’ve seen around here’ quote by you”

Miz knows she’s defeated when her cheeks burn with embarrassment. “Smart bitch” she whispers as she rolls her eyes. “Are you helping me or what?”

“Brianna, I wasted my time investigating the bus route on Monday for you. After that anything is easy” Monet giggles when they start walking to their first class. “At least you took the chance when you saw her in the bus; she knows you now. And driving her to school was a good start, you got to see her everyday. That’s something”

“But out of my car we don’t talk at all! The longest conversation we had was about weather. Every time we get here she just thanks the ride and goes away” Miz pouts. “And don’t call me Brianna, only my mom calls me that”

“Whatever, Miz” she remarks ironically. “What I’m going to is that you can go closer easily now”

“But how?”

Monet stays silent until they sit at the back of the classroom. The teacher doesn’t arrive yet, and everyone is too busy chatting to care about it. She looks at Miz with a concerned look that makes her friend know she’s focused. She smiles when an idea comes to her mind, tapping on Miz’s arm to get her attention.

“You have to ask her out!”

Fridays are boring. But when Aquaria thinks of it, she realizes everyday is boring. The only interesting part of her days seems to be the way to school and home, when the sees Miz.

But then, everything goes down.

She doesn’t know what’s happening. It’s out of control her every time she combs her hair a little better hoping Miz notices it, or every time she sneaks to Sharon’s room to steal her perfume because it smells better than hers.

It becomes stronger when she looks at her and she can’t help but smiling like a maniac. She knows the feeling, she isn’t dumb; she knows perfectly it’s something she can’t bury. The word love burns into her brain like acid.

Aquaria doesn’t like that word. It’s tough and merciless. She saw the perfect prove with her own moms; destroyed after giving everything they had. Even when Sharon mentions how happy she is now and Alaska assures she’s better alone, she knows Sharon still conserves pictures of her wedding in a box under her bed and Alaska prefers going on business trips so she doesn’t have to be in her huge house that used to be filled with Sharon’s voice.

She doesn’t want that. Miz is nice, funny, special. She’s everything Aquaria has ever wanted and she’s too scared to go for.

It’s useless. She closes her eyes and tries to throw every single idea that has been around her mind this morning away. Her eyes are on the table, quietly chewing on the bread with dry cheese and too much ham of her daily sandwich when a noise makes her lift her head suddenly. It just takes Miz a second to sit by her, looking directly at her soul with those gorgeous big eyes of hers.

“Hey” she smiles. “Mind if I stay here?”

Aquaria almost chokes on the bread as she swallows as fast as she can to answer. “It’s fine” she manages to say, receiving a smile from Miz.

For a moment, they don’t do anything more than eat silently.

“What are you doing tonight?” Miz asks suddenly, her eyes on her food over her plate as she carelessly stings it with a fork.

The question surprises Aquaria. She thinks for a second; she hasn’t anything planned, maybe watching a movie and make dinner for Sharon when she arrives from work, but nothing else. What could she do, anyways? With no friends at all, her nights are just as boring as mornings, but she doesn’t wanna Miz to know that.

“I don’t know” she replies, keeping herself from asking why. “No plans yet, I guess”

“Wanna go out with me?” she asks simply. So fucking simply Aquaria can’t understand why it makes her heartbeats increase.

She can’t think of an answer. She knows she should say no, but Miz is looking at her and the idea seems so irresistible she just can curl the corners of her lips into a little smile and nod. “Yeah”

It’s just going out, she comforts herself, ignoring the huge warning signal in her mind. That isn’t gonna hurt anybody.

“We have a date then!” Miz’s eyes shine.

Aquaria is finally at home, nervously walking in a circle on the living room. After taking her home, Miz said she would pick her up at seven before she started the car again and drove until it disappeared of Aquaria’s sight.

She takes her phone and goes to do the first thing she knows she should have done before, dialing the number of Sharon’s office as she throws herself to the couch.

“Good afternoon, you’re calling to the office of doctor Sharon Needles. What can I do for you?” a voice sounds at the other line of the phone.

“Hey Max” she replies with a smile. Her mom’s secretary is nice and always sends Aquaria cookies in Christmas, which of course was an easy way to gain her boss’ daughter’s heart. “Is my mom there?”

“Aqua! It’s good to hear you” Aquaria can swear she’s smiling even when she can’t see her. “And sorry darling, your mom is going to a meeting right now. Something you want me to tell her?”

“Yeah. Just tell her I’m going out with… a friend at seven. I’ll be back early and I’m taking my phone if she wants to call me”

There’s a puse before Max talks again. “Alright sweetheart. As soon as I see her I’ll tell her”

“Okay, thanks Max” Aquaria giggles before hanging up.

Hours after, Aquaria is still on the couch, watching a boring cooking show she found changing channels with no order. It’s the best way she has to entretain herself a little, even when the meat the old lady is cooking looks gross. It’s way too much salt, Aquaria thinks as she sighs.

Suddenly, the main door opens, revealing Sharon’s figure in the frame. Aquaria jumps in her spot, looking at her in surprise.

“Mom? Aren’t you supposed to be at work?” she asks, sitting sitraght.

“I am, but when Max told me you called I had to run here. My baby has a date!” Sharon snaps cheerfully, closing the door and dropping her purse in the other couch to sit next to her daughter. Her smile is the brightest Aquaria has seen in years, and she can’t help but smiling too.

“You left work… for me?” is all she can ask, incredulous.

“Honey, I’d leave that hellhole for you anytime” Sharon assures.

Aquaria knows it’s true when she remembers Sharon dropping the chance to head a stomach surgery in the middle of the morning because she went to Aquaria’s ballet festival to see her perform. Work is her worst addiction, but her love for Aquaria is way stronger.

“Now, are you gonna tell me who is this nice person who asked you out?” the woman talks again, kicking her heels out so she can fold her legs under her on the couch.

Pathetically or gracefully —depends of Aquaria’s mood— Sharon is her best friend. The few hours she gets to see her are to talk about anything, from homework to annoying coworkers, but she didn’t tell her about Miz because the fear was bigger than the confusion and Aquaria couldn’t organize her mind.

But curling her body against Sharon’s, she sighs and decides to shut her mind down for a second. Just for a second.

“Her name is Miz Cracker, I met her days ago. She’s super nice and gentle—”

“Miz is such a weird name” Sharon comments.

“I know, her real name is Brianna, but she doesn’t like it”

“Oh, that’s cool. And you like her?”

The direct question is like a thrown arrow, going right to Aquaria’s chest. Closing her eyes, she purses her lips, looking for an answer. Love, being a group of negative things in her life, is also an untouched topic with Sharon. That makes it even worse.

“I’m scared, mom” she confesses in a small voice.

“Why, darling?”

“What if it doesn’t work?”

“C'mon, you can’t know that if you don’t try. And you’re too young to worry about that. If it doesn’t work, you can try it with someone else! Maybe someone without the name of a cookie as last name” she jokes, petting her hair. “Let those stupid fears outside your head and just enjoy what you can enjoy”

Her words seem to make something in Aquaria’s chest to grow; sudden courage. She doesn’t wanna lose Miz, but if she starts something knowing it can end, at least she’s gonna make it worthwhile. Nodding, she hugs Sharon as tight as she can. “You’re right, so fucking right”

“Nothing new, your mom is really smart” Sharon brags with a smirk, looking down at her watch for a second. “It’s six o'clock, let’s do what I came to! What are you gonna wear?”

Aquaria laughs, being dragged by Sharon upstairs to her room. For some minutes, she sees her mom searching into her closet from her bed, until Sharon turns around with a black dress she hasn’t seen in a while. Her mom looks at it with nostalgia, and Aquaria remembers; is the dress Alaska gave her for her birthday the year before.

Once she puts it on, Sharon takes manage of her hair. She combs it until it’s done and then proceeds with the make up that Aquaria finds unnecessary, but she lets her mom take her as a doll to dress and paint. When she finishes, she can’t stop praising her, petting her head with shining eyes and the biggest smile.

Miz’s car stops outside the house just ten minutes later. Sharon is nervous, maybe more than her own daughter when she hugs her and watches her from the door frame. Miz’s head pocks out of the window, yelling hello and waving at Sharon, who can only do the same.

“You look really pretty” Miz praises when Aquaria pulls into the car. She’s all dressed up, wearing a shiny light purple dress that makes her look adorable with her wavy blonde hair perfectly done.

“Thanks” she replies, a smile hiding behind her lips once the door is closed and the car starts. “You look pretty too”

Miz drives through the now dark streets, until they reach a little restaurant Aquaria has seen before. It’s warm and comfortable, and Aquaria feels even better when Miz reaches her side as soon as they’re walking to the door.

When they sit, dangerously close with their knees touching, it feels good. The thrill of disappointment and fear isn’t as big as Aquaria imagined it before, and when Miz smiles at her and asks what are you gonna have? in the sweetest voice, it seems to disappear.

She’s glad Miz can fill the holes in the conversation every time Aquaria just stays silent because the words don’t come out. She talks about her life, her childhood, stupid things that catch her attention —how could Aquaria know Miz actually loved to cook?— and more important, she gets her to do the same. She opens up; grabbing some vegetables with her fork as she tells Miz things she didn’t even remember before.

“I like your voice. It’s good to hear it more than just saying yes, no and I don’t know” Miz mocks, gaining a death gaze from her. “I’m serious, though. It’s really pretty. I could listen to it forever”

“I already listen to your voice always, so I can’t say the same” a high pitched gasp comes out of Miz mouth as Aquaria chuckles, looking down at her plate.

“And she can joke! You’re full of surprises. What else could you be keeping from me?”

“Well, you still don’t know I’m actually a secret agent from the FBI” Aquaria grimaces. “Now that I told you, I have to kill you”

“Okay, you joke about the FBI, that makes you even more perfect now” Miz states in a serious tone that makes Aquaria laugh. “Let’s just marry already”

“I wouldn’t mind that” Aquaria replies, not very attentive of her words. When she realizes what she has said, she bits her lip as her cheeks blush. “I didn’t mean to—”

“It’s okay, I was thinking the same” Miz puts her elbow over the table, resting her chin on her hand as she watches the girl in front of her. “You’re beautiful when you blush”

“Only when I blush?” Aquaria teases with a raised brow, the tension tangled in her nerves thankfully decreasing.

“Oh, well—” blinking, Miz seems taken aback. “You’re always beautiful, but, you know, when—”

She stops when Aquaria smiles, letting her know she was joking.

This feels just right.

When they head back to Aquaria’s home, the smiles are still there, and the comfortable heat that seems to go between them too. The car stops just where it did hours before, full of a very deserving silence after everything they spoke. Aquaria looks at Miz one more time before she open the door and for her surprise, Miz is already looking at her.

“This was a good night” the blonde comments. Her eyes shine under the street light, making Aquaria to fall in a small trance as she can only stare at them.

“It was” with her voice becoming little, she answers.

And again the silence. Aquaria turns a bit to open the door and Miz knows she should say something else before she goes. She can almost feel Monet’s gaze over her when she touches her arm, asking silently for attention.

“Aqua, I want to tell you something” in her head it sounded better, definitely. Aquaria is looking at her attentively and she just sighs, the nerves running through all her body. “I— wait, no. I just wanna say— I… like you, Aquaria. More than friends”

The words come out, floating in the air for a second before Aquaria can process them. And the silence hits the car once again, but this time it doesn’t feel right. And at the lack of response Miz sighs again, but this time embracing a mix of disappointment and dispair.

“I’m sorry. Please, let’s just be friends. Forget that. It was stupid— you know what? I’m drunk! Yes, so fucking drunk, I don’t know what I’m doing! I shouldn’t be driving”

With no words at all, Aquaria’s hand reaches Miz’s.

“No, Aquaria, don’t do that” with her head shaking negatively, she pulls her hand away as she looks down. “Don’t try to comfort me, I should’ve known”

“What should have you known? That I like you back?”

Miz can’t belive it. It doesn’t even sound true when Aquaria smiles warmly.

“You do?” lifting her head she asks, her insecurity becoming adorable for Aquaria, who can only nod to confirm her answer.

“I definitely do”

A smile grows on Miz’s lips. Is the only reponse her body produces, everything else is completely blank. Even when she tried to be positive about the topic, thinking Aquaria would have a mutual feeling, hearing it is completely different.

Her eyes can’t help but stare directly at her lips, those that look soft and sweet, those she wanted to kiss since a long time ago. She doesn’t even realize when Aquaria’s eyes are back on her, and her body moves closer, against hers, not having to deal with the seat belt. Her hand goes to Aquaria’s, holding it tight. Miz feels her chin being lift by her free hand.

When she looks up, Aquaria’s face is just inches away from hers. She can feel Miz’s heavy breathing coming out of her lightly open mouth.

It's sudden when their lips smash into each other, both of them closing their eyes with excitement running through their veins.

It's crazy when their heartbeats increase to a point they seem to be breathless, looking for air in the other’s mouth.

It's stupid when they break the kiss and their lips feel unsatisfaced, wanting —no, needing— more contact.

All they can do is look at each other, too shaken to talk. Their hands are still holding each other, Aquaria’s hand is still on Miz’s chin and the blonde’s hand has somehow found its way to her waist. Everything feels right. No, not right, it feels even better. It feels crazy, stupid, sudden; just like everything between them. And that’s absolutely perfect.

“Would be dumb if I say this is the best first kiss I ever had even when I never had one before?” Miz asks, eyes full of daydream. “I sounded so ridiculous and cheesy but it’s true. This is even better than I thought”

Talking in the calmest tone Miz has ever listened in Aquaria, she looks down with a little smile. “It was my first one too”

“Was it?” Miz’s brows raise with surprise when she nods. Pride grows in her chest; she was her crush’s first kiss. That’s more than something, Monet would say. “May I be your second one too?”

“You can be as much of them as you want” Aquaria eagerly replies, pulling her on a messy kiss as the car fills of heavy breathes and wonderful heat.

It feels perfect.

#aquaria #miz cracker #craquaria #fluff #cisgirl au #sharon needles #catrina #rpdr fanfiction #lesbian au #crazy stupid sudden

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