#which is pretentious of me as I have no musical skills BUT I do think soundtracks are important elements of storytelling! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

shak3sp3are · 7 days

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Hello! I’ve seen your posts and reblog an about nod as well as other people’s and they were a bit nervrackingly relatable. I did a built of research on it but I want to know a bit about it from a real person who has it before I try to get diagnosed. So can you tell me like symptoms and things like that? If you’d like

Of course! I'm assuming you meant NPD and nod is a typo. Just a warning, I am self-diagnosed (I've done months of research and reflection, though, and was in denial for a while) but I do plan to get an official diagnosis sometime in the future, I don't trust mental healthcare here but I might try the next time I see my psychiatrist.

Anyway, I'll get started. The experiences of pwNPD (people with NPD) may vary, but I'll speak from my experiences.

I tend to be very self-focused, arrogant, and especially hyperfixated on the idea of me being successful. My need to be successful, to be someone is something that deeply affects me in my daily life. I might act like I'm the best and seem quite pretentious, but admittedly, the self-esteem of pwNPD is extremely fragile. Big ego (which is also fragile), fragile self-esteem. I also withdraw from any situation in which I know or think I have a possibility of failure. For me, this includes music. I also tend to get pettily upset at even the smallest losses, like, for example, when I lost a simple checkers match with my partner. That was well over weeks ago, but my ego still hasn't recovered from that. A lot of pwNPD also have difficulty with empathy. I'm not sure if my low empathy is due to my autism or my NPD, but I experience it nonetheless. I have a lot of difficulty imagining what others feel like or even caring about how they feel, even if it's someone I like. I do try to help or comfort them, but inevitably I don't empathise with them. It's rare, but I have heard of high empathy pwNPD too. Many pwNPD struggle with vulnerability as well. It makes us feel weak, incompetent, the sort. We don't want that because we want to see ourselves as perfect, which is why it can sometimes be really difficult to trust people with our feelings. I don't even trust my own boyfriends to be vulnerable with them.

Why does NPD develop? NPD develops usually in childhood to early adulthood, and is lifelong. Most of the time it's from childhood trauma or excessive praise at an early age. Now me? My father was mostly absent during my entire life, I'm hyperverbal, meaning I was able to make use of language at a very early age, and I'm a skilled artist and story writer, I've also been very knowledgeable and curious, and quite ambitious at a young age. Of course, this led to the adults around me constantly praising me when I was young, constantly indirectly setting expectations for me, telling me I'd be something great. Soon, the praise, at least from my mother, felt very half-assed and I started feeling like I was doing something wrong. I'd always been very ambitious, so I don't know how I could live with myself if I died a nobody. I've had some trauma too which really stressed me out, etc., which could've contributed to how I am now.

There are also things like narc crashes. NPD crashes often occur when a pwNPD doesn't have enough supply, but it may happen after receiving critique or otherwise too. Supply is what narcissists need to keep themselves from crashing, which typically includes amounts of praise or compliments. When I crash, I tend to withdraw from people and be overly critical of myself or quite angry, and it often results in my mental breakdowns or meltdowns due to my incapability of handling strong emotions.

And heres a resources masterlist, they have a diagnostic criteria somewhere in there too https://www.tumblr.com/mischiefmanifold/728311937261355008/image-description-dark-pink-text-on-a-pale-pink?source=share

Even if you do end up not having NPD but still seem to struggle with things we do, or if you do find out you have NPD, here are some things that you might find useful.

Make people aware of your needs. It's okay to ask for a little praise or compliments once in a while, and they can really make me feel better and prevent me from crashing or having a meltdown. I also have a bot for compliments over here.

Keep a little collection, maybe a corner or an album, of things you're proud of. When you're feeling worthless it can help to look back on previous achievements and strive to be better.

Remember to be patient with yourself. It's fine to be the way you are, it's fine if you won't change, it's fine, really. But I know if you're struggling with how NPD or NPD traits affect you if you do have it, you can definitely find a way to properly accommodate yourself and your needs to live better.

I'm still learning myself on how to accommodate my needs and work through my struggles, but I hope that helps.

Tell me if you have any more questions or concerns!

#NPD #npd advice #actually npd #npd safe

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chilapis · 16 days

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hi again almandine !! i hope uve been taking care of urself too and eating well ; ur most recent post reminded me that i wanted to ask, what does a sparring session between u and ajax usually look like ? does he use his foul legacy form ? id love to hear abt the specifics on ur hcs for ur s/is powers 🙇‍♀️🫶 wishing u well !!

HIIII, hi, Clara! It’s such a delight to see you again, I hope you’ve been well! <33

I feel like playfighting is, a fairly popular pastime for us together? And by playfighting I mean “we’re leaving this interaction with water in our lungs and scorched skin that hurts to to the touch.”

I’m still slightly unsure which direction I want to take the Genshin self-insert in but having a comfort + universal s/i that is quite literally “just me does” somewhat allow me more freedom and creative liberty with with the former so I’m making little changes here and there pretty actively.

I know in yesterday’s post I was like Genshin Lapis “has killed millions & will do so again” but I think I’m more inclined to take her into a different direction of “has killed millions & now just wants to settle down peacefully” — meaning that I think GI Lapis would be on the same power level as his foul legacy form, but definitely goes easier on him on purpose during sparring. It’s not because he thinks of Ajax as weak (she’s lovestruck & probably regularly tells him he’s the strongest warrior she’s ever seen in the many years that she has roamed the planet) but rather because all things considered, GI lapis is still… you know, the pyro dragon sovereign? And despite harnessing the power of the abyss and utilising foul legacy, Ajax is still only human.

I should mention that I’m not a huge fan of mortal/immortal dynamics personally but I hardly doubt that Tartaglia subscribes to “mortality” as we know it; if he did, the use of his delusion and foul legacy would have destroyed and terminated him by now, so I view him as human but not… mortal per se? That said, Ajax would be insistent on going all out, both of them, but she scolds him because she knows how using his foul legacy affects his health and it worries her. They still spar a lot! Lapis isn’t into fighting that much anymore but she is absolutely invested in improving Ajax’s skills. Just because she is against using her own full power and adamantly against him using foul legacy in their sparring sessions (unless it’s a special occasion) does not mean she won’t literally make it rain fire on him. They are both utterly infatuated though so no matter who wins in the end, it still ends with the two giggling & telling each other throw well they did while cuddling into each other (despite being uh, soaking wet with water and sweat combined). Technically both are victors every round; one wins through combat skill, the other wins by getting pinned to the floor. Godspeed

You know that one dialogue Ajax has about even taking on the Harbingers? Yeah, she supports that idea 100%; she LOATHES the fatui and the tsaritsa (+ her harbingers) (lapis finds them pretentious) and her personal pride doesn’t find the idea of being on the absolute top of the food chain not too bad either, so, he needs to be used to breaking a few bones here and there. Plus, Lapis doesn’t engage in her previous aggressions anymore so, it’s good to get some exercise in, she supposes. It’s a win-win.

As for specifics on her powers! I’m going to be talking from a gameplay perspective here. First of all? I’m pulling the same stunt MiHoYo pulled with the Tartaglia boss fight; the atmosphere during it, the intense music, the panic when you first fight him as one of the first ever bosses (though he becomes literally the easiest one after, whoops), his foul legacy attacks, the way he dashes so fast, the magnificent creature he summons from hydro — it’s intense, it’s gorgeous. And then uh, there’s the playable Tartaglia — who is, you know, not bad! I love him even though I always have terrible luck on his banners despite the fact that I started playing in 2021. But he is still just a tad… underwhelming compared to the grandness of the version of him that we fought.

Anyway, you’re getting the same thing with GI Lapis. He isn’t fast like Ajax but she is, um, like twice the size of foul legacy in her dragon form if not even bigger so that isn’t necessary anyhow. I actually want her to be fairly tall and domineering in her dragon/boss battle form, just like… slightly smaller than Azhdaha? She doesn’t change elements or such however; she remains bound to pyro. I do however want her boss battle to be in a really shallow water body so that the player is almost constantly experiencing reverse vapourise unless they pull some fuckass geo structure bullshit. I want the boss battle music to be quite similar to the Bloodborne soundtrack OSTs but with some Doom themes. Something cathartic and visceral, you know? And then there’s… her as a playable character.

Best support character/sub-DPS for Childe you can imagine. First of all? Pyro and Hydro = vapourise, which is arguably one of the best — if not the best — reactions in the game. Secondly… I want to somehow add energy recharge to her kit (preferably through one of the active skills) so that it enhances Tartaglia’s riptide the way Raiden does. I may make her either a catalyst or a sword (or claymore!) user depending on how I feel, that part is still undecided. As for her passive skill, I think it’d be so much funnier if MiHoYo made it specific like “Increases full team’s ATK by 10% if Tartaglia is in the team, with an additional 10% ATK bonus if vapourise is performed using both character’s skills” Imagine literally requiring another character to fully be able to utilise one character’s kit? Can you imagine the profit they’d make? I could be the perfect cashcow. Non-game play powers also include knife throwing, skill with blades in general and oh! She naturally runs cold and craves warmth so she is constantly using a little bit of her pyro powers to keep herself pleasantly warm.

I also think all of this would tie in nicely with the fact that GI Lapis is no longer the fearmongering dragon warlord that she once was? He, like the other dragons we’ve seen so far, is… more or less just enjoying retirement and works in the legal field almost entirely for fun (and mora); so her being on the battlefield or fighting will literally always 100% be because Ajax is involved somehow and she would do Anything to protect this man, no matter how stupid the thing may be. Plus she likes having a “justified” excuse to be a menace from time to time anyway. To summarise the lore I have for her: war lord dragon sovereign who used to consider international peace a mere suggestion suddenly decides on giving up violence and settling down with some random anime-european man. So. You know.

#I STARTED ANSWERING THIS LAST NIGHT & then ended up drafting it & forgot about it #regardless!! hi !! hi clara!#dimitri & dainsleif adore you so completely & utterly!#🥀 — colloquy.#🗡️ — cherry waves.

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soothingmelody · 9 months

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Video Essays, Jealousy, Melancholy and Lies

Have you ever found yourself living a lie?

This question has been stuck in my head ever since I started therapy earlier this year. And I don't mean it in some grand way of being a kind of double agent or stringing an elaborate web of lies to trick your childhood friend into playing sudoku to save your past self from burning down in an incinerator, but... Something much more mundane.

I guess I should start from the beginning, cause otherwise the title of this post won't make too much sense.

It is interesting how much we can experience through communication. Be it a Discord message, a Tumblr blog post like this, a tweet or a meticulously put together video essay, finding out about other people's experiences has been one of my favorite things throughout my life. I find people endlessly fascinating. I love it when people talk about their lives and their life experiences, so to me, the long winded, sort of pretentious format of the video essay is right up my alley.

So, this morning, while enjoying a bowl of instant-ramen with some haphazardly cut green onions and a creamy eggy broth, I was watching this one video essay that one of my good friends had recommended to me the night before. Said video essay was about the appeal of Elfen Leid and the video itself, I found quite entertaining and very interesting. But, it did leave me feeling a tinge melancholic and I realized that this is far from the only video essay that has had that sort of effect on me.

Growing up in Ukraine, a land ravaged by the collapse of the Soviet Union and the rise of uncontrolled capitalism, where you could easily find syringes behind a children's playground and your average neighborhood screamed "Half-Life 2 Level", I was a pretty quiet kid, despite my extremely extroverted nature. I do think a lot of these issues start here, which is why I wanted to mention this. I was bullied from a pretty young age, disregarded by people I found important to me and disregarded by people I called friends. To me, it was always a feeling of being not "cool enough". I wasn't into Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, I wasn't into Transformers, being "girly" for a "boy" such as myself was seen as disgusting, was met with slurs and even more bullying. And in this environment, I was just a quiet kid, with a big heart, who'd sit at the back of the class and draw his funny Sonic the Hedgehog comics.

All of this is to say that I grew up in a pretty cynical place, where cringe culture was way more commonplace and I could only find respite in the internet, mainly the russian Sonic forums of the era, where plenty of judgemental people remained still. That cynicism has really seeped through me and followed me through so much of my life. There were so many times when I would do something that felt natural to me, that didn’t hurt anyone and I would be shut down even by people I trusted the most and I would once again retreat into my own shell.

This constant environment led me to not really participate in many subcultures actively in fear of being seen as weird and cringy, this constant environment led me to not stand out to much, to not take opportunities that would’ve led me to a more interesting life and left me with barely any skills to express myself, besides music or art. It made me afraid of my own queerness that I had to come to terms with and understand for many many years, dealing with my own toxic masculinity, finding out that I was not really straight or that I am not even truly a “man”.

And now looking back, when I am more mature and have changed and grown so much, that I finally managed to open myself up somewhat and “be cringe and free”, honestly, there is a strong melancholy there. There’s a regret. I wish I’ve done so much over my teens that I sadly cannot turn back anymore. To please those people that were holding me back, I gave up so much. That I am having my self indulgent phase when I am in my early 20s and not my early 10s. And I am still a work in progress, I have no idea if I am still living some sort of lie, cause that is stuff you admit to yourself down the road and figure out with hindsight. But I am happier today. But, for how sad this all may sound, I wanted to tell you, the reader, that it is never really too late to change and open up a bit.

It is however interesting, that even with all of this said and this regret that I do bear, I consider that my experience was still rather valuable. I met many people, I developed in my own way and now I love who I am. Maybe that regret, a desire for a better teenage life is yet just another lie, me trying to conform. But, that will be for future me to decide in hindsight.

If you relate to anything I’ve said in this little self indulgent post, please remember, that no matter what, if you are not hurting anyone, you should be free to do whatever you want and nobody has the right to take that away from you. If they laugh, let them, you are the master of your own life, so go and be cringe. Go buy that anime figurine. Go write poetry. Go ask out someone you like. Do something that will make you happy today and maybe you won’t be stuck writing long Tumblr posts.

Stop living a lie. Be yourself.

#random thoughts #I felt like writing #sorry this is a really personal post

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steelycunt · 10 months

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see i do really love her music but you will never catch me lauding her as *the* lyrical genius of our generation or like the epitome of creativity. she’s successful because she’s a great businesswoman and knows how to market herself to the widest audience possible (in addition to other factors which def play a huge role, ie she’s white pretty and christian). every time someone defends her by pointing to [lyric] it’s kind of obvious they don’t rly listen to other kinds of music or read much or are quite young. which sounds so pretentious but!

that said i DO think she’s a talented songwriter, but her skill lies in crafting stories in songs (which is what country artists are known for, and why her more folk-y country songs are far better than her pop), which you can’t see from individual lyrics. that doesn’t make her the next shakespeare or anything tho, and it definitely doesn’t warrant swifties going to war in comment sections to defend her (parasocial relationships n all that…)

i do not think it sounds pretentious at ALL i think you are bang on actually!! that is exactly the impression i get when the implication is made that the inclusion of some sort of reference, regardless of the quality of the execution of this, automatically makes a lyric good or poetic or god forbid ‘genius’.

and i think you’re so right too about what makes her successful!! she is, above all, a businesswomen, as is hammered home by the fact that there seems to be a new something-or-other from taylor swift being released every other week. and the thing about storytelling too—like i said in a prev ask that is a big part why i think she is popular, regardless of whether you think her popularity is warranted or not the perceived relatability of her songs and the emotions and feelings they’re meant to be about and the stories in them i think is what attracts the people who like her. the myth of her ‘lyrical genius’, in my opinion, mainly comes after this, is a product of her popularity rather than the cause of it, and also is just that—a myth. and idk i just feel it’s unnecessary? if you genuinely feel her lyrics are good, that’s great, that’s one thing—but the comparisons to shakespeare, for example, which are bafflingly frequent and obviously ludicrous, feel unnecessary. you don’t have to pretend that taylor swifts writing is as good as shakespeare’s to enjoy her music. you don’t have to pretend her writing is GOOD to enjoy her music.

i appreciate that there is an argument to be made that you get a lot of young girls, mostly, defensive over her because so often the value of things that young girls enjoy is denigrated and dismissed, but grown adults seething with rage in the comment section of a tiktok that implied that taylor swift isn’t that good and arguing that she is in fact objectively genius and if you disagree you’re incorrect, is so ridiculous like. you don’t need to fight for this woman or pitch for her she’s probably the most commercially successful music artist around right now. your subjective opinion of her does not need to be transformed into objective fact in order to justify your listening to her music you can just listen to it. and calm down. and put titles like the ‘greatest lyricist of our generation’ away neatly in a little drawer and lock it and leave it there and go about your day xx

#telegram #anon

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rylekayner · 5 months

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pls tell me more abt jets punk au 👂👁️👁️👂

Wooo yes let’s go.

Ok so i’ve got a bunch of vague unconnected thoughts hence why I’ve been making my little drawing series instead of an actual fic so this is going to be very disjointed. I don’t know how long this may end up being so I’ll put it all bellow the cut :))

Mark and Connor meet at work, Mark is a tattoo apprentice and Connor is a piercer. Initially there’s a lot of tension between them, they’re opposite sides of the same coin.

Connor is an agitator and Mark’s uptight.

Half of Mark’s personality is that he’s completely straight edge and Connor used to sell drugs in high school.

Connor is a crowd killer, Mark is Mr pit etiquette.

It comes to a head when they both end up at a house show, Connor elbows Mark right in the face (genuinely by accident but to this day Mark doesn’t full believe him) and Adam drags them out side and tells them they need to get their shit together and either fuck or fight but just get it over with. Given Connor’s reputation Mark assumes he’s about to have to start throwing punches when he’s grabbed by his collar until he realised he’s being pulled in for a kiss.

They end up actually talking things out a realise they actually do a good job of rounding out each others harsher edges. Connor aggressiveness, and Marks elitist tendencies.

They still fight even 4 years into their relationship but they understand each other now much better than pretty much anyone else.

The band starts with Mark on guitar and vocals, Connor on drums with back up vocals and Troubs on bass. They end up adding Josh as lead guitar after his old band breaks up (not sure of the details with this one but I want Draisaitl in there somewhere cause I like the history between Jmo and Drai).

Troubs ends up leaving the band when he gets a “real job” in New York but he introduces the rest of the guys of Kyle as their new bassist.

Kyle would never admit it but he was terrified of Helle for the first couple of months, Connor has been in Winnipeg for years at this point but his reputation from the Michigan scene still haunts him and Kyle and heard stories. It’s almost hard to reconcile this version of Connor as the same one who’d allegedly set someone backyard on fire back in Michigan.

They end up bonding over making fun of Mark and Connor’s happy to have someone to smoke with again. Mark is still straight edge just less pretentious about it and Josh will do edibles but doesn’t like smoking so it’s been a while since Connor’s hand someone who will physically smoke with him. Once Kyle gets over his fear he has a little bit of hero worship going on which makes it very easy for Connor to convince him to get up to mischief.

This is going to end with mark/Connor/Kyle if I can help it.

Josh is a musical prodigy, he was in a metal band previously and has a crazy amount of skill with a guitar, mark thought he was being replaced when Troubs suggested recruiting him until Josh opened his mouth and they heard his excuse for singing (even for a punk band it was shocking) but he’s got a natural inclination to music in a way none of the other quite do. Together with Connor they write a majority of the bands songs.

He had a messy break up with Drai which caused his last band to fall apart and after that he mostly just focused on music and collage (he’s getting a masters in anthropology, they all thought it was a joke when he told them) but then there’s this new bouncer at Adams bar (Adam owns a dive bar sorry this is all very disjointed) and Josh is enamoured. Spoiler alert it’s Morgan who is not at all involved in the punk scene, he’s just new to Winnipeg and needed a job and now he’s at all of the gigs the play at Adam’s and Josh won’t talk to him because “he barely looks old enough to be in here”

Uhhh I think that’s it for the moment I’m on a lot of pain meds but if you wanna know anythjng in particular please ask I’m so excited to talk about this au the more I talk about it the easier it is for me when I eventually do write it

TL;DR

Mark: Straight Edge, Sings and Plays guitar, in a long term relationship with Helle

Connor: Shit stirer, plays drums, sometimes sings, writes a lot of the songs, in a long term relationship with Mark

Kyle: Newest member of the band, plays bass primarily but can play several other instruments, has something suspiciously flirty going on with Helle and Scheif

Josh: the most traditionally talented, plays guitar, is not allowed to sing under any circumstances, helps Helle with writing, had a nasty break up with Drai a few years back is now busy making heart eyes a Bear.

Morgan: Not really involved in the scene, just works as a bouncer for a lot of the gigs the boys play. Spends a lot of time day dreaming about Josh serenading him (only because he’s never hear josh sing)

#jets punk au #hockey rpf #asks

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chicknparm · 5 months

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69 or 98 or 8

69. ivy - Taylor Swift

It wouldn't be right to do one of these without at least one Taylor song, so we got pretty lucky that you picked this number! Nice!

This song gets thrown around by a lot of swifties as an example of how good her songwriting has gotten, and I think it is quite a good example, but not really for the reasons they think. One could easily read the lyrics and dismiss her verbosity as pretentious set-dressing; a cynical shortcut to make herself and her songs appear deeper than they really are. I think the way some fans talk about her lyrics invites this kind of reading, but I promise you that indulging in that line of critique is doing a disservice to both the music and yourself.

The story told in ivy is one of conflict and infidelity; the narrator is having a passionate affair with someone else while her loveless, lifeless marriage gathers dust. The poetic language, instrumentation, and tone of Swift's voice all evoke much older forms of storytelling. Evocative stories are a cornerstone of country music, but have fallen out of favor in recent decades, and ivy seems to want to reach back even farther and remind the listener more of Jane Austen than Loretta Lynn (in fact, ivy wasn't out of place when it was used as a needle-drop in the Dickinson series). The melody is dark and tense, as are the dancing arpeggios on the guitar, as she sings verses about the pair being magnificently cursed; drinking her husband's wine and grieving for the living. The tension gets resolved in the chorus, where the melody warms up and she exclaims with relief (the use of "goddamn" feels more profane here than many of her uses of "fuck") that her "pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand taking mine."

The warmth becomes heat becomes fire when we reach a classic Taylor Swift Bridge where she proclaims "So yeah, it's a fire, it's a goddamn blaze in the dark, and you started it." From there, we never return to the tension of the verses, instead riding out the chorus until the end, with the narrator resigning herself to an imperfect life half-loved, crooning "my house of stone, your ivy grows, and now I'm covered in you" as electric guitar peaks its head out of the background.

This one's pretty good.

98. Psycho Killer- Talking Heads

cw: french

I didn't know he was speaking french in parts of this until I played this song in Rock Band 2. I couldn't understand a lot of the lyrics when my parents played Bruce Springsteen tapes so I didn't think this was that weird. I still don't know what the french sections mean, aside from qu’est-ce que c’est, perhaps we'll never know.

Anyway this song is a classic, obviously. The bassline is rock solid but still has enough movement to keep the rhythm fun and danceable despite the slower tempo. David Byrne is an all-time great vocalist and he gives a great performance. I, too, hate people when they're not polite. This is such an obvious choice that you'd think it would be overdone and cliche to use it in movies, and maybe it is, but I still pop for it every time. It's like using Fortunate Son in Vietnam movies, sometimes the obvious choice is the right one.

8. Savior Complex - Phoebe Bridgers

I liked Phoebe Bridgers' first album, but Punisher was an improvement in basically every way. Savior Complex was a literal jaw-dropper the first time I listened to it, coming at the end of a devastating three song run including Chinese Satellite and Moon Song. Some musicians just have an ear for perfect pop melodies. Call their songwriting sophomoric (and you'd be correct), but power pop writers like Billie Joe Armstrong and Rivers Cuomo have always reminded me a bit of Paul McCartney in their ability to craft memorable, joyous, sometimes anthemic hooks and melodies seemingly in their sleep. Another skill of McCartney's, which far fewer are able to replicate, is his ability to write a melody that plays your heartstrings like a fiddle. Truly skilled musicians can tell a story and take you on an emotional journey without words, and Phoebe proves more than capable of that here. And I don't know if you've heard, but she's pretty fucking good at the "words" bit too.

Savior Complex might be my favorite Phoebe Bridgers song, even though there are plenty of others with stronger lyrics. But that melody, man. Those strings. The guitar nervously walking the bass notes around. The way her voice flutters when the title drops. Her breathy falsetto as she pleads that she's too tired, and a bad liar. Other songs got more attention on this album (and they deserve that attention), but Savior Complex is an understated masterpiece in my opinion. Just a gorgeous, gorgeous song. I love it so much.

#ask meme #mmmmbestie

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kittyrob0t · 1 year

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I will type this while im still feeling pretentious

in a good way, don't get me wrong. Lately, I've been feeling an overwhelming need to learn new languages, read books again, shift the music I listen to, and simplify the clothes I wear. Albeit, this might be temporary for now, I am clinging on to this momentary idealization of a want for this lifestyle. I know at my age, it will be difficult to learn a new language, and hopeless considering it might be a barren skill to have if I'm never even going to leave the country sooner or at all. But alas, my brain has decided to do something, and I must follow. This is more and more showing up as a stage of mania and ADHD, which I will ignore, and proceed with. In the past I've always wanted to learn new things, and have always failed because I use life as an excuse to forget or even tire of doing such things. I've also always wanted to have a simpler wardrobe with better pieces but have failed as well because I always put front that I am a victim of capitalism and am not privileged enough to afford slow fashion. Hence my repetition of clothes despite having a ton of them. I no longer enjoy making coffee, I make it, but finish it in less than 10 minutes without actually savoring it. Even the process itself. Which I know sounds ludicrous but I just miss romanticizing the small bits of life as I have been eternally depressed to do so.

I started the last three months with a labor some skincare routine, I now can't seem to be bothered. And I have been in an eternal melancholy for weeks that honestly feel like months. And maybe it has been months, I don't really remember. I haven't really had a fair grasp on time since five years ago. I also have this idea of reading these blog entries in videos I want to create, but it might be too much and overwhelming, and as I'm typing this, maybe its better to keep two separate mediums for now. Especially since I haven't even started video taping anything. It's also funny how I've never talked about filming anything in the first paragraph and now I'm blabbering on about it.

As for my quietness, I am in a pit to be honest. I am currently going in no sure direction with my career and now that I have finally stepped up, am coming to a long stop, I think most probably I am. Sometimes I get sputters of ideas that maybe I should do more work on my portfolio, but I can never find the time to do it, because I always think I'm better off doing something better at that moment. And then it all gets faded out, until a desperate happening comes into my life and I think about it again, and the cycle continues. I currently am working three jobs, one full time, two part time ones that feel like the other one is in disguise. It's a lot more needy than I am, and the fact that I'm depressed doesn't help. I am also currently processing training sessions for a voice acting gig that will last for 6 months and can probably pay for 3 years of rent, for a French web company about to launch audio smut. My desperation for money has definitely made me tolerate some red flags my employer has been showing, especially the time I asked for a contract and he sent me a two-sentence PDF with two underlines for signatures, five minutes later.

Someone has also been 'managing' me, in music, and have been singing as a back up for an indie rapper that seemingly only has intense rhythmic pop in his discography. Most of our shows either has my mic set to the lowest volume; either that, or my voice is incredibly low and quiet, and in decibels the naked ear can't hear, If that's even a phrase. But even then, I still value the 500-1000 peso bills I receive after (under) performing. I seem to think I get better with each performance, but whenever I get off, I always hear the feedback that I seem to have not existed there at all. And to be honest, I don't know what to feel. But I don't feel sad at all. There's certainly a humor to it. Feels like being a ghost employee in a band, paid to be silent.

I've also some to admit that I'm terribly disappointed with how my life is going, but often forget that I am, because of the little tiny happy moments that happen in between, that when I do remember, I feel a little worse that I don't know how to tell people how miserable I am because I feel that the time has passed.

I am currently determined on being alone, as I am weighing if I truly enjoy it because I get to so many things I plan on doing, or maybe I'm just genuinely busy; or that I am just glutted with the presence of other people, and have tremendously low energy to associate myself with. Which by the way, worries me that I may seem like a bitch.

#entry #update #how are you #writer's entry #personal

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aquaticsoul · 11 months

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The Citrine Symphony | Part 1

Enjoy this short little moment in Sielu's life, during which he realized he probably should not swear in the palace...

The next installments will be longer and up shortly, worry not. You all just needed to know why Sielu does not like this asshat.

"Hey, Sinfonia? Do you have a second?"

The glare Sielu receives does not scare him away like he assumes it's intended to. He only leans on the doorway, waiting for a response from the older teacher.

"What could you possibly want?" the man questions, looking back at the desk he's hunched over. "Did you come to beg for my help? Not like you'd even need to obtain it since the Child of White is just naturally good at everything."

Sielu's eyes are narrowing at the statement. What is that about?

"You can call him by his name, and cracks like that are why I came to-"

"I want to hear nothing out of you, boy."

"Uh, what?" He stands again, crossing the threshold into the classroom with his hands still tucked neatly into his pockets. "Last I checked, I'm twenty-six and I also have a name. Heard Valo and Aamun have already told you to watch it, but based on what I've heard from Pilvi, you haven't. So I came to see what's up, and you're going to have to hear from me because it's concerning your student and mine."

Still, this man will not look up at him, and the longer he goes without doing so the more he reeks of pretentiousness.

"Valo and Aamunkoitto are not to be taken seriously. None of your group is - you've no actual skills. The only Prince actually putting forth any effort into anything is Usva," Sinfonia replies, putting more ink on what Sielu assumes is a joke of a piece. If it's the same work-in-progress he's been overhearing the entire morning, it is.

All it displays so far is technical correctness, but he guesses Sinfonia doesn't have any real emotion to pour into the damn thing anyway, or maybe it's the irritation making him start to loathe everything the man does regardless of quality.

And just when Sielu is about to snap back, the jerk keeps talking.

"Lord Aurinko's standards must be very low for His Majesty to seek out an excuse of an instructor like you, Sielu. Learn your place and do so quickly. You do not fit into high class nor will you ever."

"Hold on a minute. I wasn't coming in here to talk about me, or Valo, or Aamun, or even Pilvi, really. I don't see why you had to turn it into an attack. I was just coming in here to ask a qu-"

"I've heard all I'm interested in hearing from someone who isn't even trained. You may leave."

Untrained? This guy has to be joking, right?

Something tells Sielu he definitely isn't, though. Granted, he probably doesn't consider Sielu's background as "proper training", but still - music doesn't just come out of nowhere.

"I said you may leave. Can you not understand-"

"Oh, I understand you just fine. I'm just wondering who you're talking to, because I know for a fact it isn't me," he says.

That's what finally at least gets him another glare, and before he knows it the man is floating and towering over him.

Good.

"Those remarks are not acceptable," Sinfonia all but snarls.

"I've got two things for you, buddy." Sielu pulls his right hand from his pocket, first holding up his thumb. "Number one, your remarks are the unacceptable thing here." He extends his index finger at the end of that sentence, drinking in every bit of the shocked look on Sinfonia's features. "Number two, you're not my boss, so get off your-"

There is an exhale from the man he's looking up at, and before he can think to put his mask back on, he's breathing in a rather thick puff of orange mist that steals his voice away in a mere instant.

"Leave," Sinfonia orders. "Your parents should have brought you up to be more dignified if they wanted you or that spineless sister of yours to ever have a chance at being taken seriously by anyone of actual status."

His mouth opens, but the words he wants to say are effectively silenced, hitting an invisible wall in his throat.

The words he wants to say- the words 'don't you dare call her that'- will not come, so he has no other option but to do as he's told and start floating the other direction down the hallway.

Even the King doesn't talk down to him like this. Even the King who was born into royalty. Even the King's personal guard, even both Princes' guards - they don't speak to him like he's some sort of idiot and they certainly don't talk down to his twin, either.

Without even thinking, he's storming into Sydän's classroom, finally able to push past the effects of the Mist that had been puffed into his face.

"I cannot fucking believe him! He- he's such a pompous asshole, Sydän - can you believe the jerk shut me up with his Mist?! Who the fuck DOES that?! I wouldn't do that. I've hated the bastard since day one of talking to him! And I still wouldn't do that!"

"Sielu-" she starts.

"Like, how the hell am I supposed to argue a point if he's making me silent?! That's not even fair! The self-righteousness is extending up and down from that stupid man for miles and he's skating just above the fucking Soil at this poin-"

"What happened, Opettaja?"

Every muscle in his body freezes for a moment. Slowly, his head turns to let his gaze fall down on big green eyes staring up at him, a concerned look on the boy's face. The poor, impressionable, six-year-old boy.

Oh no.

How had he missed Revon standing outside?

He kneels down to Pilvi's level, ruffling the boy's hair gently.

"Uh... don't worry about it, Pilvi. That wasn't for you to hear. I'm sorry. Don't repeat any of that to your parents please. I'm sure it'll handle itself, okay?"

Really, though... Sielu will just have to be more clever about it. That's fine.

If Sinfonia wins the battle, he'll just have to win the war.

#r ; pretentiousness is an ugly trait [ sinfonia / shiroi---kumo ]#sinfonia moment #arc ; sing dear bird (misterica)#happiness in c major ; mun's writing

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peace-coast-island · 4 months

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Diary of a Junebug

The joys of being mediocre in something you enjoy

There’s something freeing about accepting that you don’t have to be good at something you enjoy doing. I think it’s natural for us to feel like we have to be decent at something in order to keep going at it. There’s nothing more frustrating than putting all your time and effort into doing some sort of activity or hobby only for it to turn out kinda eh, or for it to just completely fall short of what you envisioned. That alone, I think, takes a lot of fun out of it.

Having been there many times, I find it kind of acts like a roadblock. It also doesn’t help that most of us have it hammered in us the expectation of “If you can’t do it right, then don’t bother doing it at all.” sort of mindset. Even though most people who say that probably intended it to help you, it, in fact, does the exact opposite.

Hobbies are supposed to be fun. I think that’s something we need to remind ourselves from time to time. And if it stops being fun, you can put it down. There’s no shame in trying and failing - gotta repeat that to myself from time to time.

While Raiden, Qingmei, Makoto, and Dainn were visiting, I took out my violin for the first time in years. Even though I’m kinda rusty, I still can still play a couple decent tunes. Although I’ve played the violin for five years in school, I didn’t get much out of it, except maybe a casual appreciation for orchestras and classical music.

To be honest, I wasn’t the best at playing the violin, which was why I was usually in the back. I liked it enough to stick with it for so long, but I wasn’t aspiring to be a maestro or anything. Maybe I would have enjoyed it more if I wasn’t so hung up on the fact that I was just okay at playing. It also didn’t help that the teacher we had through middle and high school was kinda pretentious in a snobby way - but that’s a really minor point. Basically, being part of the school orchestra gave me something to do other than academics, but other than that, it was meh as I pretty much just went thought the motions by doing the bare minimum.

Makoto’s been hanging out with Qingmei and Dainn a lot more, and he kinda prompted them, and the other demon slayers to pick up a musical instrument. Raiden’s quite musical as she knows how to play quite a few different instruments as well as sing. She’s the one who got Qingmei into piano, which then led to Qingmei getting into songwriting.

And unexpectedly, Dainn jumped in on the songwriting too despite having absolutely no prior musical experience. Even though he downplayed his contribution to Star Blessed Slumber as merely just a translator and his singing as passable for someone who never sang a note ever, Raiden noted that he seemed to have a lot of fun with the process. I mean, it makes sense considering that it’s a whole new and different thing for him, especially since he grew up in a culture and upbringing that didn’t really place as much emphasis on the arts.

Sometime later, Makoto offered to teach him how to play the cello. The whole thing was literally Dainn being like “Oh, this is so cool! I wish I could play something” when he saw Makoto play with an orchestra. And then Makoto responded along the lines of “Why not start now?” And he was like “Wait, what?” Then there was some back and forth with Dainn wondering if this was a good idea or not while Makoto was encouraging him to give it a try. Finally, he said, “Why not?” and picked the cello.

Several months later, he’s taken well to the instrument. It goes to show that you’re never too old to pick up on something new. Dainn started out from scratch, being unable to read a note and not knowing the basics, to playing songs and picking up all sorts of new skills. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so enthusiastic about something since picking up the cello - neither have the others. I guess after being known as a warrior for most of his life, it’s nice to have a change of pace and pursue something he never considered before.

Raiden was surprised when she saw Dainn with a cello, even more so when she saw how seriously he was taking his lessons. Then again, he tends to be a serious person, though that’s probably more of a product of his upbringing. Plus, there’s also the way he was raised to put 1000% effort into everything, and nothing less. Obviously, it took a lot of practice for him to get where he is now - that’s something that takes time and dedication, not just talent alone.

In terms of technical skills, he’s still got a long way to go - mainly because he’s still very much a newbie. I can’t really judge on that since I’m no expert on the cello, but I do know that playing an instrument isn’t really something you can learn overnight. Like with Qingmei, Raiden insisted on documenting Dainn’s progress on learning how to play, and it’s provided a lot of useful insights. It’s also nice to have something to look back on and see how far you’ve come, especially when you start off going in totally blind.

Obviously when you start out, it’s gonna be rough. Everything is new and unnatural, so it takes time for you to get used to it. You either get frustrated enough to throw in the towel, or you persist and keep going until it clicks and finally makes sense. And then you keep going, learning more and more new things. The more you do it, you either keep at it, or eventually lose interest and move on to something else.

And I think while trying - and struggling - to learn something new, the fun and joy of it kinda gets lost. After all, it’s hard to enjoy something if you’re struggling to get the basics down. Not to mention that there’s this mindset of “If you’re not getting it right, then what’s the point?”, which takes away the incentive of picking up something new. That shame and embarrassment of not getting the hang of something really stops you in your tracks. It’s even worse when people around you are like, “Don’t bother, you’re not good at it anyway. Do something more productive with your time instead.”

I don’t consider myself a perfectionist, but I do fall into that trap of giving up and getting frustrated when I don’t get something right after putting a lot of effort into it. That nagging thought of maybe I’m wasting my time kicks in and it makes me kinda regret even trying in the first place. It’s a frustrating cycle that’s easily imposed on you either by yourself or others, often without realizing it.

Qingmei’s gone a long way since she learned how to play the piano despite having no prior musical knowledge whatsoever as well and now she’s writing music. In her case, she never really set out to be good, she just wanted to pick up a fun hobby. Being a swordfighter and adventurer for pretty much her whole life, Qingmei realized that she needed to have interests outside of those in order to get out of a rut, which was the main reason why she wanted to learn piano - other than it being something that looked cool and fun.

Dainn’s reasons for picking up the cello were similar. He was basically raised as a warrior ever since he could walk, and so his life revolved around that. Going from a lowly foot soldier to practically straight to the top as captain wasn’t something he planned, more like predetermined by the elder knights - something he’s kinda resented as time went on. Since he didn’t have any other aspirations, he just did as he was told because it never occurred to him that he was allowed to make his own choices. He speculated that maybe if it weren’t for the fact that he was from what they called “The Streets”, rather than a noble like most knights were, maybe he would have been a lot more sheltered and isolated.

The more I learn about his past - which is not much, really, - the more I get why he seems kind of aloof and keeps things vague. I guess after spending centuries fighting a losing battle without really understanding why it had to be you who suffered, but doing so anyway out of obligation, it’s no wonder why he struggled a lot after the calamity passed. And somehow, he survived despite all odds. So what happens next since you’re still alive and kicking? Raiden was surprised that he chose to stick around, though it makes sense why considering that he had nowhere to go and wandering the wilderness probably wouldn’t do him any good since it’ll be more of the same, except maybe being even more lost and directionless.

Obviously, most people don’t have extreme scenarios like that, but it’s my long winded way of saying that it’s good to have a wide range of interests and not let yourself be boxed in. But in order to do so, you need to be able to step out of your comfort zone and not be afraid to do things badly. After all, you need to start off somewhere before you get good. And even if you still aren’t that good, if you enjoy it, then that’s all that really matters.

Do it for yourself. Don’t let other voices cloud your mind with unwarranted criticism, especially when that critic is yourself.

As I’ve said, I was inspired to take my violin out after all these years. Seeing how enthusiastic Dainn and Makoto are, I really wished I appreciated playing the violin more. I mean, it was a school thing, and I’m pretty sure no one in an intermediate orchestra set out to be professional musicians, but still. At least I do have an appreciation for classical music and orchestras, even on a superficial level as in they sound good and I think more people should get into them. I have been getting into more artists who are known for incorporating classical elements in their music - a genre that’s often considered old, outdated, and kinda inaccessible - and introducing modern audiences to them, so I guess that’s something.

So we had some fun playing around with our instruments and I didn’t feel self conscious about my playing at all. I was surprised that playing the violin still came somewhat naturally to me - that’s muscle memory, I guess. Maybe I’m not the best at playing, but that’s not gonna stop me from trying. I doubt I’ll be picking up my violin again anytime soon, but if I feel like it, there’s a lot of songs I’d want to learn how to play. I won’t be playing in any symphony orchestras - not that I want to, that sounds too intimidating! - but I’ll be playing for me, which is for fun and curiosity, and that’s more than good enough.

And despite playing the violin for five years, I never mastered the vibrato, which is a shame because I want to be able to do it, even just for the sake of sounding like I know what I’m doing. Dainn asked me if I had any tips on vibrato as he’s been struggling with that and I said well, we’re on the same boat. But there’s nothing stopping us from attempting, which we did.

How did we do? Horribly. Did we know what we were doing? Hell no! And it was funny, actually. Nothing like bonding over being bad at something and getting a laugh out of it. I’m sure he’ll get the hang of it someday - I’m counting on it!

That said, it would be nice to be able to master the vibrato. I mean, these days, you can find tutorials on pretty much anything. So if I ever decide to pick up my violin and learn a bunch of new stuff, I’m hoping it wouldn’t be too hard to find something. But again, I’m not really looking to becoming a maestro, though I’m open to playing more for funsies. I think for me, the freedom to be able to choose what you want to get out of an activity that has less to do with improving your skills like it’s a competition and more with improving out of curiosity does more to retain my interest.

Along with jamming out as an improv orchestra, we’ve been doing quite a bit of baking too. Baking is another thing that I’m not always the best at, but I enjoy nonetheless. I mean, I’d like to think I’m kinda above average when it comes to baking since I do it kind of often. I don’t tend to gravitate towards complex recipes that take a lot of steps and prep, but I do like to occasionally challenge myself with a recipe that’s slightly out of my comfort zone.

While I’m happy to say that most of my baking turns out good, I have had a few flops here and there - some which unfortunately end up being a waste. I try to salvage it because wasting food is not good - and in most cases, thankfully, it’s still edible, just not something I’d want to have again - but sometimes, usually for the sake of your stomach if it’s that bad, you have to give up and call it a day.

Maybe our impromptu orchestra session made us a bit more daring than usual, which was why we decided to challenge ourselves a bit in the kitchen. Then again, with Raiden taking charge, she tends to encourage us to push our limits. She is an expert on making all kinds of desserts, and so if you want to tackle a recipe that seems kinda daunting to take on alone, ask her for help. Even if it doesn’t turn out successful, at least we’ll have a good time trying to figure it out!

The toughest recipe by far was this angelcloud cake, a recipe that Raiden randomly found online in some ancient cookbook. Part of the reason why she chose this recipe was because she kinda expected us to fail. At a quick glance, the way the recipe is written is…well, I guess cramming in your life’s story in a recipe has always been a thing. Not to mention that it’s really disorganized, so even if you read through the recipe several times, it still doesn’t really make a lot of sense. And we’re pretty sure that there’s a lot of errors as the logic behind the measurements don’t really add up.

That said, I’ve been curious about where exactly this recipe originated from. Raiden went down a rabbit hole trying to uncover the recipe’s origins, but because it’s ancient, there’s not a lot. With what little information that’s available, it’s all conflicting. The conclusion we came up with is that it was probably one of those recipes that was probably passed down by families where no one bothered to write it out because everyone knew it. The one time someone decided to put it in writing, it ended up being inaccurate, and that’s the one that survived the passage of time. Go figure.

Sure, there were frustrations when things turned out badly, but it wasn’t so bad that we ended up wasting a bunch of perfectly good ingredients. I think it helped that we kinda knew it wasn’t gonna work, but we wanted to try to figure it out anyway because we were curious. The fun kind of fuck around and find out.

Even though we didn’t end up with a light and fluffy angelcloud cake, the final product, a somewhat dense and lopsided buttery vanilla cake, turned out pretty good. Raiden knows how to salvage a failing recipe and managed to turn the sad mess of merengues into a really thick cake batter. She did take a huge risk by putting a lot of butter in there, but it somehow worked. Without it, I can’t imagine how the cake would have tasted - probably super bland and dry.

Then we baked cupcakes, which went a lot more smoothly - not to mention that we had a lot less dishes to wash. We put up a poll and it seems like everyone was in the mood for matcha strawberry cupcakes, which go well with tea. As the snow keeps falling, tea has been our go-to drink to warm us up.

What better way to spend time cooped up inside than with music and cake?

Read on AO3

#animal crossing pocket camp #animal crossing #diary of a junebug #headcanon ramble

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elenajohansenreads · 6 months

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Books I Read in 2023

#97 - On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous, by Ocean Vuong

Rating: 3/5 stars

Way back in college, when I tried to be a member of one of the many, many student-run literary magazines on campus, I submitted a poem to them. All the submissions were judged anonymously--only the head of the group, who collected the entries, ever saw the names attached. As a group, we knew that any given poem we were reading and debating might be from one of our own members, and to be fair, the person in charge during my time there mostly sat back and let us talk it out ourselves, without much input, because her input might be interpreted as favoritism once the poems were chosen.

When we were debating my poem (which was clearly not going to be published in that issue, they were tearing it apart) another member said something that I had never heard so clearly expressed before: "Shouldn't we be judging it by how good it is, not how much we like it? Because this is good, it's really good, it just makes me feel bad."

I know that doesn't sound earth-shatteringly brilliant to most adults, but I was nineteen and incredibly insecure about my skills, and to have anyone call my poetry good, and to clearly demarcate the difference between inherent quality and personal emotional reaction, felt life-altering.

That poem of mine was not published. None of the ones I submitted were, and after that year, I quit the magazine, understanding both that it was not what I wanted, and I was not what they wanted.

I'm not even sure, more than two decades later, that I actually believe there is so clear a difference; does any work of art have inherent quality that isn't dependent on how the audience reacts to it? A seemingly throwaway line from a Stephen King novel convinced me that any music is good music if you like it. I've used that argument to convince myself to stop labeling certain artists as my "guilty pleasures," because for whatever reason, I feel like I'm not supposed to like their music, or I'm not allowed to. But I do anyway. So is the quality of art tied directly to the audience's reaction, instead?

And that ever-shifting goalpost on the spectrum between "is it good?" and "do I like it?" is precisely why I'm having difficulty corralling my thoughts about this novel.

I've never read any of Vuong's poetry before and had no clear idea what to expect. After reading it I find myself in total sympathy with the young woman who thought my poem was good, even when it made her uncomfortable; that is most of my reaction. I can see the skill and care taken in choosing the right words, composing the right phrase, to express complex and uncomfortable topics. I even think reading things that make us uncomfortable is a good thing, when done with intention, and with an eye towards protecting our mental health when that's necessary.

But I didn't like it. I'm trying not to listen to the leftover voice in my head that tells me when something is "pretentious," because I've been moving away from that word as useful for criticism--it's too easy to use it as a shield, an excuse to belittle something we didn't connect with. But I can see why some reviewers are throwing "style over substance" at this work; I didn't personally understand all of the imagery, and the constant shifting of perspective can be confusing and frustrating. If you see the primary goal of an author as storytelling, then the style most certainly can get in the way of the substance, and I'm not going to blame anyone for bouncing off this work for those reasons. I had to make myself keep reading, early on, when I wasn't convinced this was anything but a mishmash of emotional imagery without a story underneath it.

I suppose I might also feel less conflicted if it didn't feel quite so autobiographical. The appeal of this novel to so many (and the selling point, if we want to be more cynical) is the "unique" intersection of so many different identities in the text, and also in the author; but because of the style, and because modern poetry is generally deeply autobiographical, and because there is a long history of literary novels using idealized self-inserts as protagonists, I had to keep reminding myself that Little Dog isn't necessarily supposed to be Ocean Vuong. Clearly Vuong is writing about deeply personal experiences, but I also shouldn't assume his first love was a boy named Trevor he met on a tobacco farm. But the line isn't clear, and maybe it's not meant to be; but I wouldn't react to or review an autobiography the same way I would a novel.

Ultimately, in order to decide on a rating, I went with my gut. I didn't like it overall, but there were parts I enjoyed, and I respect the craft, so I'm going straight down the middle.

#booklr #book review #lgbtq books

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kamreadsandrecs · 8 months

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No question is more dreadfully pretentious than “What is art?” except possibly “Can you come see my one-person show?” Yet I’ve accepted that at some point in the course of a life, both will need to be answered. Because I’m a writer facing the advent of ChatGPT, the time for the first question is now.

Most people (including some writers themselves) forget that creative writing is an art form. I suspect that this is because, unlike music or painting or sculpture or dance—for which rare natural aptitude straightaway separates practitioners from appreciators—writing is something that everyone does and that many people believe they do well.

I have been at parties with friends who are dancers, comedians, visual artists, and musicians, and I have never witnessed anyone say to them, “I’ve always wanted to do that.” Yet I can scarcely meet a stranger without hearing about how they have “always wanted to write a novel.” Their novel is unwritten, they seem to believe, not for lack of talent or honed skill, but simply for lack of time. But just as most people can’t dance on pointe, most people can’t write a novel. They forget that writing is art.

Read: The college essay is dead

Art plumbs the depths of human experience and distills the emotions found there. That’s hard work, which inherently—and perhaps conveniently for me—can be done only by a human. This doesn’t mean that all art humans make is effective or good, nor does it mean that a computer cannot generate content that might entertain or inform. A computer alone can’t make art. But it can, I expect, make “good writing.”

The rise of ChatGPT forces us to think about this distinction between art and good writing—or “craft,” as we’re taught to call it. For most writers, the path to publishing involves writing-preparatory programs—workshops and private writing classes and M.F.A. programs—that are structured around the mastery of writing as a craft. But if we want human writing to survive as an art (and as a profession), these programs need to reassess their priorities because they are facing an existential crisis.

I was 41 when I took my first intensive writing course during a week-long summer workshop. Its structure, I’d come to learn, was largely based on the same pedagogical model as most M.F.A. programs: an instructor-led workshop, where we would evaluate one another’s stories, supplemented by craft talks. I found my writing so improved by the course that I wanted more. By the following year, I was enrolled in a master’s-of-fine-arts program.

I loved graduate school. I had instructors who changed how I thought about writing and my art and who I could be as an artist. But I found myself occasionally frustrated, and one particular incident from my last semester sticks in my mind.

It was the pandemic, and we were workshopping a classmate’s story that, we all agreed, wasn’t “working.” On the Zoom, we danced around the reason, but privately, in a smaller chat, some of us were more frank: The author was evading the real reason their character seemed so distressed. In other words, the story was a well-written pile of emotional bullshit.

Encountering this in a story feels the same as hearing a well phrased but feeble excuse in real life: You might accept it, but you’re not buying it. Yet the professor’s advice was all about cleaning up the point of view and adding more action. In short, mechanical fixes for an emotional problem.

Maybe the endless Zooming had finally gotten to me, or maybe it was the impatience that has struck me post-40, but suddenly I unmuted and blurted out: “I’m sorry, is this a master’s in fine arts or a master’s in fine mechanics? The sentences could be perfect, but it won’t fix the fact that the story isn’t being honest.”

To which my professor replied, “What’s wrong with being a good mechanic?”

The answer, of course, is nothing. Writing beautiful, clear sentences that string together into gorgeous paragraphs that assemble into elegantly constructed narratives requires discipline and discernment and technical understanding. My work as a novelist has absolutely benefited from the improvement of my technical skills. But literary art is not about the mechanics of sentences. It’s about how those sentences support emotional honesty.

You can dissect great writing without ever analyzing or even discussing the emotions involved or evoked, and walk away with some craft strategies to deploy in your own work. But a machine can do that too. It can read—it has read—the same great writers I have read. It can (and is beginning to) learn all of the clever lessons of craft. It will almost certainly become capable of producing what many M.F.A. classes would consider “good writing.”

But if that’s the case, maybe that “good writing” isn’t so good after all. If this new technology makes such writing ubiquitous, that writing may as well be obsolete.

If we want to push the art of writing out of a computer’s reach, the questions posed in writing workshops should go past “How could this piece work better?” to “How could this piece be more honest? More emotionally effective? More resonant?”

These are tougher questions, not only because they’re more subjective, but because they require skills that go beyond the command of language: insights into human nature, imagination, innovation, creativity, a mastery of pathos, ethos, and logos. These are harder things to teach. But we can try.

Some of the problem may lie in the tendency of literary-fiction writers to disregard what mass-market novels can teach us. These books are not always masterfully written, but—if the videos of readers weeping on BookTok are evidence—they are clearly tapping into human experience and making readers feel. A hell of a lot, apparently.

Consider Colleen Hoover, who self-published for years before readers drove her romance and young-adult novels to best-seller status. A lot of her books admittedly rely on “trauma narratives”—a critique that’s lately been wielded against some literary fiction as well. But readers keep reading her because they connect to her stories of women finding love while on the brink of financial collapse or seeking to break patterns of domestic violence. Say what you will about her sentences, but no Colleen Hoover fan thinks that ChatGPT can replace her.

To be fair, the best writing teachers were already pushing students to write with emotional honesty long before AI was breathing down their neck. The greatest lesson I ever got in the art of memoir was to write the story you felt, not a recounting of what was actually lived. A course in science fiction taught me that the complex emotions of humanity can sometimes best be conveyed outside the realm of reality. A novel workshop gave me the idea of the author as a maestro, conducting the reader through an emotional journey that should have many movements and variations.

And yet despite all of this, I’m not sure I actually believe that writing as art can be taught at all. One can certainly improve and gain greater mastery over the form. But the magic stuff that makes the great literary artists what they are cannot be manufactured and replicated. At least, not in a classroom. Only, possibly, out there in the wild world, by living and observing.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to see a one-woman show.

#books #publishing #writing #internet #technology #leechware #artificial intelligence #ai

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kammartinez · 8 months

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Read: The college essay is dead

To which my professor replied, “What’s wrong with being a good mechanic?”

But if that’s the case, maybe that “good writing” isn’t so good after all. If this new technology makes such writing ubiquitous, that writing may as well be obsolete.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to see a one-woman show.

#writing #books #publishing #leechware #artificial intelligence #ai #education

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mykingdommusic · 11 months

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OF THE MUSES: the sound of grief and pain

In the last 20 years and more, for my work, I listen to an incredible amount of new bands and their albums. We are talking about at least ten a week and it has rarely happened to me to be literally enraptured by what I was listening to, so much so that I immediately had to contact the authors of that work and tell them how much their Art had excited me. This is what happened to me while listening to the studio rehearsals of what would become "Senhal", OF THE MUSES recording debut, the artistic alter ego of a talented musician, incredible for her technical and compositional skills and above all able to giving life to her own emotions like a few ones are able to do. I'm talking about Cristina Rombi, a sublime, intimate and eclectic creature. Let's enter her world!

1. Day after day we are getting closer and closer to the release of "Senhal", the recording debut of your creature OF THE MUSES, scheduled for the beginning of November for My Kingdom Music. With what state of mind do you live this period and what do you expect?

I think "curious" might be the right word! I'm not sure what to expect, and that's the fun part. I know what this whole process was about for me personally, which feelings and intentions were funneled into the album, but I have no clue how the finished thing will be received by the listeners. One thing I do know for sure, however, is that feedback is something you can learn a great deal from. This matters a lot to me, because evolution is something I truly value. Anything that happens, I will treasure it and make the most of it.

2. How did you arrive to give life to your extremely personal project and so tied to your essence, that is OF THE MUSES, and then to give voice to it through the compositions of the debut album "Senhal"? What is OF THE MUSES for you?

It took a while. Some of the songs that ended up on the album were written as early as 2012! It's been a lengthy, tortuous and conflicted process, just like the relationship I have with myself. For years, I tried to make things happen in a 'band' setting, in an attempt to rely on other people, but for a variety of reasons (partly because I never quite met the right people for the job, but also because I have a really hard time managing group situations), things never really worked out. Still, the desire to create something entirely of my own never really went away. Until at some point, I had a "now or never" kind of epiphany, faced my insecurities and the fear of not being up to the task, repurposed some old songs, wrote new ones, and that's how "Senhal" came into being. As for OF THE MUSES, as pretentious as this might sound, this project is what was missing from my life in order for me to feel truly fulfilled. I'm an extremely restless, even neurotic person when I'm not making music. OF THE MUSES is an antidote and a way for me not to lose touch with who I am.

3. I, who was lucky enough to listen to it in preview, before the final stage of mixing and mastering, strongly feel that "Senhal" is a work extremely lived on your skin. Every note, every musical element, every voice, every atmosphere created for it reveals in a unique way what you are and want to represent. Do you think this is true and above all from an emotional point of view what did the composition and then the realization of this work leave you?

You've hit the nail on the head. Making this album was an exorcism of sorts. I could never see myself releasing something that doesn't 100% honor who I am and the emotional experience I am having. In that sense, and especially from a songwriting perspective, everything about "Senhal" is deeply intentional.

4. "Senhal" musically seems to be pervaded by two distant, but at the same time so close, souls. There is malice and sweetness, violence and delicacy, despair and calm, pain and joy. In my opinion, this eternal dualism allows the entire work to travel on an always subtle but extremely magical balance that has your voice as the focal element that characterizes and personalizes everything. What can you tell me about my impression?

I really like this take because I've always been fond of contrast. First and foremost, because my personality itself is full of it, so I don't think I would ever be able to write something that is 'just' aggressive or 'just' mellow or sad. Actually, I think the same applies to all of us! Humans are complex generally speaking, it's just that for some reason a lot of people assume there's no room for nuance in Metal. Particularly in Black Metal, which, in truth, is a lot more versatile than that. In the same way, joy can be violent, love can be brutal and destructive and suffering can be quiet and covert. Needless to say, I have a rather… complicated relationship with my own voice, and, on this record, I really pushed it to the limit (how I didn't wreak permanent damage to it, I have no idea). I'm glad you see it as a signature element! Our voice is quite possibly the most personal instrument in that, after all, the sound comes from within the body itself. And even though I would personally love to be more skilled in that department, the idea of my voice conveying some kind of emotion to the listener is something that brings me joy.

5. Talking to you, but also listening to the album, we agreed that the main musical reference points can be bands like Alcest, Myrkur, Woods Of Desolation, Harakiri For The Sky, Happy Days, Dreariness, Slowdive, Cocteau Twins and in any case the entire Blackgaze scene even if I think you manage better than others to make Pop the extreme and extreme the Pop in a circle that really doesn't allow you to come out safe. What did these bands and this musical trend mean and represent to you and how do you think OF THE MUSES differs from it?

Blackgaze was surely an inspiration to me, and each one of the bands you listed is extremely influential! For sure, listening to "Souvenirs d'un Autre Monde" for the first time is something that shaped me indelibly, both as a listener and as a songwriter. I got the same feeling when I came across "Torn Beyond Reason". Such records helped me realize there is a way to express what I always wanted to express, in the way I feel inclined to do it. But every single one of these bands has their unique personality and vision. I don't necessarily think I'm doing anything groundbreaking compared to these artists, but I can say that I strive to develop my own personal style. Perhaps, as you say, there's a sense of melody that emerges in a more prominent way through the clean vocals. I can also say that, compared to what these bands are doing, "Senhal" is a bit more heterogeneous and various, which is something people could either love or hate!

6. If I'm not mistaken, the title "Senhal" is linked to a concept you hold dear. Do you want to talk to me?

Sure! Basically, the word Senhal is borrowed from old Occitan lyric poetry. In this tradition, this specific word is used as a code name, to keep the love interest's real identity a secret (that's more or less what it means). As a hopeless/hopeful romantic, I've always been fascinated with the world of troubadours and courtly love; not to mention, the South of France is a place I love to return to. The first time I stumbled upon this word, I immediately adored it, to the point I initially thought about adopting it as my monicker. However, I soon discovered the existence of another band named Senhal, and they're Italian, to boot. Eventually, I had to reconsider using Senhal as a bandname, but I didn't feel like giving up the word altogether, since the whole album revolves around the idea of talking about my experience without being too revealing. It would have been impossible to find an equally descriptive word that sums up the topics and lyrics of the album to such an accurate extent.

7. Besides music, what are the main artistic and non-artistic influences that we can find in OF THE MUSES and in any case how did they enter the sphere of "Senhal"?

The non-musical influences are countless! Generally speaking, anything that sparks my interest ends up inspiring me, be it historical events, natural catastrophes, anomalous places… very often I will incorporate those references as allegories. Often, but not always: with the second album, which is already in the works, I'm focusing a lot more on telling the story of specific events, and the historical context they originated from. As for "Senhal", it was definitely influenced by my relationship with the supernatural. Witchcraft and divination are part of my day-to-day life, as well as dreams, particularly those that turn out to be premonitions or visits from other people. A lot of this ended up in "Senhal", especially the latter part. But essentially, love is what prevails. Particularly, the star crossed, impossible kind of love you can only really meet, like I said, in your dreams. Among the artistic-but-not-musical influences, I would also list Petrarch, Antonin Artaud, Pablo Neruda, Wim Wenders' movies, mythology, religious iconography, Middle Ages, my own childhood and nature (and I''m probably forgetting a few, but these are the first that come to mind).

8. While we wait the release of the album, would you like to leave us a message?

First of all I'd like to publicly thank you, Francesco, for your trust and for this nice Q&A! It's a honor and a privilege to be able to reach people. The only hope for hopeless romantics is to find one another, and I hope there'll be many of us.

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handelplayssims · 1 year

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It’s the weekend and Gunther’s off work! For once, I can focus on his own wants and whims rather than doing work! Or important socializing. First want that Gunther has is to get a job promotion, related to his aspiration. Which, for the aspiration itself, isn’t really needed at this point. Still I can do Gunther’s daily task for extra points. Review Food or Drink or Write Column. Both are pretty tied together. Checking his hunger need and I guess it’s time for a breakfast out! And I have just the place.

The Sunny Side Up diner! Though I decided to nab one off of the gallery that had it’s interior renovated to a style I thought fitting.

It’s just one of those comfy casual up and coming breakfast spots! Just a nice place! Probably the restaurant I visit to the most out of all thanks to...well, breakfast. Breakfast good. And good for lunch as well.

...though I am suddenly realizing that Gunther could have gone to one of the Windenburg cafes for food or drink. Ah well!

OH GEEZ, raging werewolf! I’ve only had the Werewolves expansion pack for several weeks now so I haven’t really seen how this pack meshes in it’s werewolves with everything. I guess it’s the same as normal, Sims just appear but uh...watch out.

And it looks like we got ourselves a special button that allows us to review this restaurant. Nice! Waiter! Bring me your Americano and an Everything Bagel. That is your special for the day yes? Do not fail me. We ate and drink and...we didn’t seem to get any special moodlets or anything. Then again, if you finish a drink, you food eating gets de-queued so that might have something to do with it. All we got is the normal high taste quality thing from being a celebrity. Alas! Well, that is still enough that I can at least write in his column and feel fine about it.

Oh and this popped up. Thanks to having a negative moodlet while the background music of pop was blaring, this could happen. Do we lionize this negative experience and also gain a dislike of pop while we’re at it? I say...sure why not. He’s a hipster and he’s pretentious.

(Though it was the Carly Rae Jespin song everyone adores so HOW DARE!)

And so we return home, look up some art to inspire ourselves and then set to writing our column about how terrible the food is at the Sunny Side Up Diner. Would anyone be influenced? Probably not, it’s the only diner in town, after all.

So anyway, let’s bounce off of that and actually make progress in Gunther’s aspiration by working on those skills! And the most appealing one is working on the Gourmet Cooking. However, there is a thing.

This house has the Simple Living challenge from Cottage Living, in which we need to have all ingredients in order to cook food. It’s one of those that some simmers just slam on all of their played homes, as it adds to the realism and I personally do like it as well, but just bet on most kitchens having a stocked fridge. It feels fitting for intended chefs and perhaps other poor folks as well, to continually have to think about this.

Annnd look at that price for a stocked fridge! Whew! Those fancy ingredients I threw in really added up! A few moments of waiting and then, bam! Stocked fridge. Also ghosties popping up to cheer up our delivery person and Gunther. How nice! Perhaps I’ll make them a little something as well.

-sharpens knives- Let’s get a cooking!

A thing to also note is that, essentially thanks to Mila Munch, I decided this lot should have the Chef’s Kitchen lot trait as well. Since, well, she is that super chef that cooks! But it’s a nice thing that Gunther is carrying on that tradition from Mila.

And with one lobster tortellni, we rank up to 9! Nice nice nice. Though I thought we were level 7…

And we got such a nice buff that the hunger moodlet won’t go down for awhile thanks to Gunther not wanting to eat anything else thanks to that beautiful dish. Lovely! Pays to make your own fancy foods.

Gunther’s second want is to finish writing a book which...well okay we can write a book from scratch. Between a bout of poetry or writing a non-fiction book, I’d figure it’s time to write some more poetry. As this artist does! I even give it a unique title! “Upon the Winter’s Bale.” And thus do I set Gunther down to write for hours upon end. Riveting gameplay. You are a lot more lazer focused when it’s just one person and their desires in a household.

Ah hello there Guidry! In any haunted house, this dude will show up and hang out. He’s an extremely flirty guy but very helpful. I basically only keep him around if the vibes are right in the house. Aka no vengeful spirits! But Gunther’s not the true object of the ghosts ire so Guidry gets to stick around.

Anyway, the book quality was fantastic so I have Gunther submit it off to a literary digest, which gives him even more money than selling it normally. Which is good because technically, poetry is not the best selling books. But it soothes the artistic soul.

Also I think to actually ask upon Guidry for a NAP repeal signature. It isn’t his thing but well, he’s dead and will pop up anywhere so I can see why he’s not into local politics.

Anyway, I did ask about making the place less spooky and got the advice of actually getting a séance table. And so we shall!

Doing stuff on the séance table raises up the medium skill, which’ll help with all of these ghosties and specters around the place. Might change the chair though. It’s a bit extra for being out in this shed.

-googles: how does one make a house not haunted- Hmm. Not getting any good results here. Does a house ever get un-haunted? That is a thought.

Anyway, the offering of food didn’t work this time for the spectre. Well. Let’s see about a handcarving? Didnt’ like that either! Welp! Uh, hope things go better next time? To bed with us!

Neighborhood Watch!

Manuia Mete in the Mete household has died. Manuia had his last laugh.

Rory Oaklow in the Oaklow household left her job as a Locker Room Attendant in the Athlete career.

...hold the phone. She’s in my played households! I need to check something. ...oh snap. Both that household and Gunther’s didn’t have their Neighborhood stories adjusted to be off. Time to reset that! And there. All off. Guess I gotta be more aware about that.

#sims 4 #liveblogging #gunther munch #windenburg #dine out pack #cottage living pack #paranormal pack

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percymakesgamesnow · 2 years

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Visual art is hard but I'm harder

I spent the last few days working on my drawing skills. Currently my art is --as the french say-- "really bad", and someday I'd like for it to be passable-to-great. I really enjoy drawing, and while I get a lot out of it it's just not something I'm good enough at to be willing to put out into the world disclaimer-free. So, in the interest of someday being a control freak GameDev who designs every aspect of her game, I figure I should start working on these skills now rather than be an expert programmer and ready to ship my game suddenly realizing it looks like doodoo.

"But Percy," you ask, lip trembling feebly, "how do you plan on doing this? What steps are you taking to summit this next great artistic peak? How can you, a subpar drawm'n possibly garner this remaining skill to toil Wagner-like and create your masterpiece???" Your voice breaks slightly and I turn in my chair. As I stand, your gaze scrolls up as though searching apartment windows for your greatest fear. All of a sudden, I tower before you, and I squat down into a frog pose to meet your eye level. Creaking forward, I whisper in your ear: "Y o u T u b e t u t o r i a l s."

So far I've done Saultoon's Aseprite Beginner's Tutorial which was super helpful, and I made these lovely little donuts :)

The process involved using all the main tools in Aseprite, as well as changing colour palettes. I did my first batch in the default palette, the second one as Minecraft colours, and to challenge myself I did the third one with GameBoy colours. In the end, Saultoon requested that I shade the big donut? which meant I had to break out of the GB's four colours and also I have no idea how to shade so that made it tricky. I'm proud of the donuts though I think they're cute! Pixel art is great because my hand motor skills are poopy bad and that's not a barrier here. Oh, I also bought Aseprite. I made this decision bc after much research I concluded that it was the cheapest and had the cutest logo.

I do want to get better at art theory stuff though, which is why I also started working my way through Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain, a book that I bought probably six years ago and cracked open twice. Holy shoot though it's such a good book. The writing is really engaging, if somewhat pretentious, and the content is succinct and inspiring. The first exercise was to draw a self portrait which I'm actually quite proud of. I showed it to two of the best visual artists I know and both said it looks "recognizably like me" which is huge tbh that's what I was going for. I'm not gonna post it here just because I don't feel like putting my recognizable mug on the internet today, but I probably will someday to show the improvement working through the book. Oh, also, the self portrait was apparently supposed to take half an hour, but I accidentally spent 3+ hours on it. This ate into my learning-code time, but it's all good bc I learned I really enjoyed trying to nail the details. The next exercises I'm definitely gonna set a timer for, because I think it's important to churn out lots of product when you're learning a new skill rather than being a perfectionist, but it wasn't wasted time and it made me really really excited for the day I'm good at this stuff. I genuinely think that once it's not such a chore I'll be drawing constantly. I love drawing bro oh my god lemme at em as soon as my hands do what my brain says to do and my brain can focus on understanding even the most basic principles of shading. Shading so hard y'all. I did an art class in high school and I've had art friends explain it to me like a thousand times and I just, , , , do not understand how to visualize light.

Anyways I'm off! I think today I'm gonna work on another project that requires me to draw and call that my art practice, and then either write a little music or do the next coding module. I haven't written music in ages and it fills me with such churning, freezer-burning anxiety and I'd really like to combat that considering it's the thing in my life that brings me the most fulfillment. This is sounding like another post rn though, so I'm gonna save my thoughts for when I write an update involving composition. I'm feeling good today, and I'm not gonna let my anxious little brain take up my precious time worrying about wasting my creative/productive potential when instead I could, idk, be creative and productive. Or do LITERALLY anything else. Get outta here you squirrely little guilt-soaked meat sponge, thanks for your concern but you're squandering my valuable minutes. I love you. Mwah <3

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risualto · 2 years

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We Are Meant to Be Vectors

Title: We Are Meant to Be Vectors Summary: Points are, in Euclidian geometry, zero-dimensional objects representing a single location in space. Vectors are multi-dimensional as they represent the same location by telling us how to get there, not just where we are. Warnings: None. (Pretentious existentialism, I guess.) Notes: This is very unusual for me. It was written as a gift for someone in my non-internet life who requested that I write a vignette or memoir-like short story. This is...what came out when I started thinking about my life. I know this isn’t the content you followed me for, but it is deeply personal, almost moreso than anything else I’ve ever published, so I hope you might read it anyway. It’s not too long, just 1,013 words.

So, cars are the most vanilla liminal space. Think about it. Cars are a vehicle. You only get in a car in order to go somewhere or do something. It takes you from point A to point B. Sometimes you enjoy it, when there’s no traffic and the weather is nice. Sometimes you’re on the brink of summoning Satan to get you out of the car faster, when there’s a torrential downpour and you’re still “almost there” with your little brother whining in the backseat (and, of course, you’ve been almost there for at least two hours now).

But the bottom line is the same. Going-in-a-car is a temporary state of being which evokes the same feelings as an empty hallway or twilight through the windows of an airport terminal, including transience, loneliness, freedom, and fits of poetic genius. It’s the liminal space starter set. Liminal space for dummies.

We (the people in order to overcome an imperfect public transportation infrastructure) ride in cars, all the time. It’s just so normal that the liminality of it all is lost, made mundane. You don’t have time to compose poetry when you’re going to be late to a job interview.

At some point in every relationship I’ve been in, my partner has asked me something along the lines of, “What’s your ideal date?”

It turns out my ideal date is to mutually experience the nostalgia of liminality, adrift and detached, but together. You might begin to understand why people think I’m not romantic. Still, my favorite thing to do on a date is to take every possible detour getting home. Get on a freeway, or an open country road, or a winding mess of a street that was clearly built with the forest instead of through it. Only obey enough traffic laws not to die. Turn up the music, down the windows, and just be going.

Take away point B, and you’re left with point A to

And then there’s a white space where you can have whatever you want, as long as you acknowledge that you’re never going to feel any of it in quite the same way when the car stops moving. Try listening to Enya driving down the highway at night and tell me it sounds the same as in your kitchen. Tell me the wind and rain sound the same on your windshield as they do on your windows. Tell me the air tastes the same at 70mph as at zero. Tell me you don’t feel every string of your heart wringing dry as bone when the concert venue is in your rearview mirror and you’re sealed away in your metal box on wheels, hearing the same songs through a stereo that’s ten years too old to do the bass justice. I dare you

The sunset breathes different when you’re moving through it.

So, anyway, point B.

I have all of these memories, tumbling around in my head like the pens in the bottom of a handbag, of car rides. They’re not all from dates. Some were friends, a few very raw ones were my brother. Mom was never that into it—maybe you’ll agree with her because you, too, have scraped your skills at driving down to the bone because it’s such a chore, and now the thought of doing it for fun leaves you bleeding all over your vanilla liminal space. Shame, but I get it.

Most of the memories are my dad. And no, all ye Freud-brainwashed penguins, that’s not why it’s my go-to date activity.

It’s because I sing in the car at night, and my dad says, I love listening to you, and for once, the compliment doesn’t taste like bile. It’s because I can play the entirety of the Eurovision Song Contest for three years in a row, with all my commentary about which songs I’ll be listening to forever and which ones you just had to be there for; and it feels like every word only hangs in the car long enough for a laugh before it slips through the A/C and ends up tattooed into the pavement. It’s because there are stories—do you remember? and, Have I told you about? and, My friend Jane, you met her in the office when you were five and she liked you, you know?

The answer is yes. I remember, he did tell me, I know. But the memories are blurred with twilight and headlights, and even though the data sits in my head, it’s just zeroes and ones now. The facts are still there, something o’clock on I-66, but the feelings were trapped in that little bit of liminal space. You can’t ever go back. But maybe someday, someone will drive over the echoes of laughter and nostalgia and existence, and think them a ghost. I think they were vivid enough for that.

I never learned so much about myself as when I drove to

Vanilla, white, isn’t really nothing. It’s the most receptive thing in the universe. Everything you do will show up against a pure white background. Marks, folds, stains, breaths, scuffs.

I learned, when I was five years old and kicking my light-up SKECHERS to the beat of the aux cord (Last thing I remember, I was running for the door; I had to find the passage back…), how incomplete Point A and Point B are. A point is zero-dimensional, after all; people are at least 3D, when they’re not written by Hollywood.

When every song, every raindrop, every offhand conversation (yes, even the ones with yourself) can get right into your heart, then even when the car stops and the magic vanishes, and you suddenly remember to —think about breathing again, there might still be some switches flipped in your mind. Some marks on your palms, or a song stuck in your head.

It will be remembered, even if you can’t call it back. And I suppose that’s fair. Humans don’t grow in an instant. We don’t go in an instant.

But I’ll still be going. I accept song recommendations.

#risuawrites

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