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daily-best-jokes · 5 years

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Warning: to some, this joke is sexist / religiously offensive (but I don't agree)

Three men die and go to heaven.

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says to them, "Congratulations; you made it into heaven! God has one rule, however, which is: YOU CANNOT STEP ON, KILL, OR TOUCH A DUCK. If you do, you will be punished."

The men think this is rather strange, but they agree.

A couple of days later, they decide to have a picnic. It's a beautiful day; the sun is shining, the skies are blue, etc. As they lay down the blanket, one of the men sits on a suspicious-looking lump (which turns out to be a duck).

St. Peter appears instantly. "I GAVE YOU ONE RULE!", he bellows, "And you could not follow it!? I have no choice but to punish you." Despite the man's pleas, St. Peter continues, "As punishment, you are now bound to the ugliest woman in heaven for all eternity!" Both St. Peter and the man vanish.

The next day, the two remaining men take a walk in a park. One of the men doesn't look where he's going, and all of the sudden... CRUNCH! - a duck has been stepped on.

As with the last time, St. Peter appears instantly. "You know what I must do - you are now bound to the next ugliest woman in heaven for all eternity!"

Three years later, the final man is relaxing in his house, when out of the blue, St. Peter appears. Expecting something bad, the man gets on his knees and asks what St. Peter wants. he replies, "Since you have been so good as to not touch a duck for the past three years, I will reward you by binding you to the most beautiful woman in heaven for all of eternity."

As St. Peter describes her, the man really thinks she sounds gorgeous. He is so eager to meet her that he asks, "When do I see her?" St. Peter snaps his fingers, and POOF - the man is meeting his soul mate. They talk for a while, until he says to her, "You're so beautiful and smart and funny; what did I do to deserve you?" The woman responds, "I don't know; all I had to do was step on a duck!"

Sorry about the length of this one, folks. I thought it was worth sharing.

submitted by /u/JDogg323 [link] [comments]

#jokes #fun #humor #joke #funny jokes #funny #lol #texts #funny texts #haha

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pjlowry · 5 years

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Question: You’re an atheist, and you die and are brought in front of God Almighty. Will you have something to say to him? If yes, what?

I answered this question on Quora by writing a small skit. Here it is for those who’d like to read it:

(Death occurs and yours truly ends up before the pearly gates)

Me: Oh damn, is that what I think it is?

(Looks over and there is a decent line in front of the gates)

Man in Line: Shhhhhh! No talking while waiting for judgement.

Me: Really? Okay…

(Walks over and gets to the back of the line.)

Me: I hope they have more than one window open, I don’t want to be here forever…

Man in Line: You’re not going to shut up are you?

Me: Oh, hell no. What else are we going to do?

Man in Line: I was hoping to wait patiently.

Me: That’s not very productive.

Man in Line: It’s not?

Me: Fuck no! We should talk and get to know one another, and maybe even think about what we want to say when we get up there.

Man in Line: I’m not going to lie to get into heaven!

Me: Who said anything about lying? I mean discussing it so you can remember all the cool things you really did. Like cramming for a final.

Man in Line: Well, that makes sense I guess.

Me: Okay, what’s your name?

Man in Line: I’m Raif.

Me: I’m PJ; nice to meet you.

Raif: So how did you get here, PJ?

Me: I went in for surgery. Last thing I remember is being put out before going under the knife. I guess that didn’t go as planned.

Raif: That is unfortunate.

Me: How about about you dude? How did you kick the bucket?

Raif: I was tortured to death by my own government.

Me: What? Damn man, that fucking sucks!

Raif: I was sentenced to 1000 lashes and I didn’t make it past 500.

Me: Lashed to death? Fuck me… that’s brutal. What kind of fucking government does this kind of shit?

Raif: Saudi Arabia.

Me: What the hell did you do to piss them off?

Raif: I set up a blog and posted unpopular opinions.

Me: Damn man, that’s not fair! What about free speech?

Raif: When it comes to certain subjects such as the monarch and especially Islam, you are not allowed to voice a dissenting opinion.

Me: Not fair dude, just not fair. Lashed to death for having an opinion. Just not cool in my books.

Raif: I was also sentenced to death for apostasy. That sentence was supposed to be carried out after my lashes were done.

Me: Wait a second, I read about you online! I was at a few of the rallies in Toronto to protest your imprisonment!

Raif: Thank you for your efforts.

Me: I’m sorry they didn’t work man, we tried.

Raif: It’s alright, I am at peace now and here with you.

Me: I’m not sure how long we’ll be up here.

Raif: What do you mean?

Me: We’ll… we’re both non-believers. It will be a very tough interview, I can promise you that.

Raif: I am not afraid of judgement, I did good while I lived.

Me: I believe ya man, I got your back. You seem like a great guy.

Raif: Thanks, but what about you?

Me: If this place takes any of the books seriously, then I’m toast… literally! Just the amount of times I spanked the monkey is enough to send me straight down.

Raif: I see, and is there any other activity that might warrant damnation?

Me: Oh, tons of stuff. Now that I think of it, you should probably let me go first.

Raif: Why?

Me: Because I’ll look so bad, that when you come after me… you’ll shine like a friggin’ altar boy by comparison. It'll increase your chances of getting in.

Raif: You think that could work?

Me: I’m sure they’ve got some kind of quota to meet… it’s worth a shot. I’d rather have one of us make it than none.

Raif: Why thank you, PJ.

Me: No problem man, I think you’ve suffered enough.

Raif: Here step forward, we’re almost there!

Me: Already? Damn, that dude works really fast!

Raif: Here, it’s your turn!

(Steps forward to the booth at the gate, there’s an old man with a very long white bears standing there.)

St. Peter: Name please.

Me: P.J. Lowry. Writer, Poet, Outspoken Atheist…

St. Peter: And a shit disturber. Yes, I’ve got you right here.

Me: Damn, I was hoping it was an accident and you’d send me back.

St. Peter: That doesn’t happen very often.

Me: I bet it was seriously messed up when it did, right?

St. Peter: Indeed. So surgery didn’t go well I take it?

Me: Apparently. I wasn’t exactly awake for it.

St. Peter: Alright, let’s have a look here. You have an interview scheduled in Room A. Just walk down this side of the gate until you reach it.

Me: Alright… do I need anything for this interview, like pen and paper?

St. Peter: You don’t… good luck.

Me: Thanks man.

(walks down the side of the gate that St. Peter gestured to so that the line could move along. He keeps walking until he reaches a hallway with doors.)

Me: This must be the place.

(walks up to door marked A)

Me: Let’s not forget our manners.

Door: Knock! Knock!

Voice: Come in!

(opens the door and walks in. There is a single table with two chairs. One of them is occupied by a man wearing a white robe and with a beard that was even longer than St. Peter’s. He walks in.)

Me: May I? (Gestures to the chair)

Man: Sure, please sit down.

Me: given your appearance, I’m going to to out on a limb here. God?

God: In the house, motherfucker!

Me: (Sighs) Alright, I got the top dog for my interview.

God: Do you have a problem with that?

Me: Of course not! I’m actually a little humbled, and even impressed to see you doing some of the grunt work and not delegating it all.

God: Ass kissing will get you nowhere, but good try.

Me: I’ll try my best, but force of habit.

God: I know… literally.

Me: Fair enough.

God: So, surgery didn’t go well?

Me: You think?

God: Sorry to hear about that.

Me: You and me both… any chance I could get a mulligan on that?

God: Fraid not, sport.

Me: Shit, and I had so many projects to finish!

God: I think your procrastination had more to do with that than I did.

Me: Last time I checked you created everything, so that includes World Of Warcraft, baseball, and social media…

God: I also invented alcohol, weed and heroin too… but that doesn’t mean you have to go to town on them.

Me: I have to admit, alcohol and Taco Bell were surprising good.

God: Thank you.

Me: So you created those things to test us?

God: I created a lot of tests. Television, the internet, donuts.

Me: All there to test us?

God: Yup.

Me: Fuck me, I must have bombed big time!

God: You didn’t ace it, that’s for sure.

Me: Well, tell me this much: what’s a passing grade?

God: A passing grade is 55 percent. If you did good for more than 55% of your life, you’ll squeeze out a pass..

Me: You mean just like I did for all those boring university classes?

God: Exactly.

Me: So hit me with it: what’s my score?

God: You scored…. 65%.

Me: Holy shit! I got a C!

God: Yes, quite impressive for a non-believer.

Me: You know everything, so you know why I rejected religion. As the being that invented my brain, can you really get upset that I actually used it for more than just a hat rack?

God: I suppose not.

Me: And speaking of using my brain, where the fuck have you been for the last 2000 years? You’ll show yourself to Moses and Noah to help animals and Egyptian slaves, but won’t lift a fucking finger to stop all the suffering going on in the world? Like seriously man, what the holy fuck?

God: To be honest, I just couldn’t hold it any more. And when I get back from the can… you fuckers are pointing nukes at one another and have royally screwed the environment. Do you have any idea how many years it took to make that place?

Me: A few billion?

God: Exactly, and look at the mess you guys made!

Me: Hold on, so you’re telling me you were gone for 2000 years because you went to take a piss?

God: Yeah, pretty much.

Me: It takes you 2000 years to pee?

God: You got a problem with that? I am a god so I do things differently!

Me: Okay, okay… not judging.

God: You should have seen what happened the last time I took a crap. I went to pinch a loaf, and of course when my back is turned an asteroid hits the planet and wipes out all of my fucking dinosaurs! I was only gone for 20 million years, and then poof, no more dinosaurs!

Me: That does suck.

God: Yeah, I know. After that I had to go right back to the drawing board, and that’s when I invented you buggers.

Me: Well thanks, I guess.

God: Thank you for being a decent chap, Peter.

Me: I tried my best. It wasn’t easy.

God: You got a C, don’t push your luck.

Me: Fair enough… so what happens now?

God: Now you go through that door and enjoy your welcome party!

Me: A party? That’s so cool.

God: Totally.

Me: You coming too?

God: Fraid not, PJ, I’ve got more interviews, and we’re kinda backlogged here.

Me: Oh… is there anything I can do to help?

God: Are you capable of judging people?

Me: Have you seen my twitter and tumblr accounts?

God: Good point… you’re hired!

#Atheism #Atheist #humor #skit #play #funny #religious mocking #question #answer #skepticism #free thought

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woodworkingpastor · 3 years

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Our wallet and our soul -- Luke 16:19-31 -- Sunday, March 14, 2021 -- Fourth Sunday of Lent

A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat each die. As it happens, all three animals arrive at God’s throne at the same time, where God asks what they believe.

The German shepherd says, “I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master.” “Good,” says God, “You may sit down on my right side.” Turning to the Doberman, God asks, “What do you believe in?” to which the Doberman replies, “I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master.” “Wonderful,” says God. “You may sit to my left.”

Then God looks at the cat and asks, “And what do you believe in?” The cat answers, “I believe you’re in my chair.”

We tell a lot of stories about heaven that don’t teach us much. The stories often involve meeting St. Peter at the Pearly Gates or our floating around on clouds strumming harps of gold. I suspect we know those stories aren’t true. But believe it or not, they do have something in common with the Parable of the Rich Man and Lazarus, because it turns out that this parable doesn’t teach us all that much about heaven or hell, either. It does, however, “unteach” us quite a few things! If we listen closely, we’ll see that this parable teaches us much more about life on earth than it does about life in heaven or hell.

Who is listening?

To understand the parable, we need to see how Luke includes it in his larger story of Jesus. There is an important lesson of Biblical interpretation that is worth repeating here: to understand what the Gospel writers want to communicate, it is often helpful to look at what comes before and after the passage. When we do that here, we see that this parable comes at the end of a section that begins in Luke 15, where Luke tells us:

Now all the tax collectors and sinners were coming near to listen to him. And the Pharisees and the scribes were grumbling and saying, “This fellow welcomes sinners and eats with them” (Luke 15:1-2).

The three parables about finding lost things in Luke 15 is one of the more famous and favorite chapters in the New Testament. I’ve often found myself at the end of the Parable of the Prodigal Son—with the father pleading with his older son to come in and join the celebration—wishing that Jesus had kept talking for a while, because however joyous that celebration was, we all know that the family was in serious need of counseling. Coming home was the cause for a grand celebration; being a family again was going to take some work.

But when we get to the end of Luke 15, we need to keep reading, because Jesus does give us what we’re looking for, just not in the way we might expect. The answer is found in Luke 16’s emphasis on the connection between our wallet and our soul, stories and teachings that are some of the most uncomfortable in Scripture. After talking about the grace that welcomes scandal-causing sons to be welcomed back home, Jesus tells us about what life back home will look like. Just when we think that celebrating someone’s salvation is the end of the story, Jesus tells us that there is more.

The Rich Man and Lazarus

That’s what makes me say that the parable of the Rich Man and Lazarus isn’t a parable about life after death; it is a parable about life before death.

We need to see the great contrasts in this parable:

The rich man is anonymous; the poor man has a name. Life normally works in the opposite direction; we know about the so-called “rich and famous,” but what are the names of the people who stand at intersections asking for money? Lazarus is one of the most dehumanized characters in all of Jesus’ parables.

The rich man has a nice home; Lazarus lays at the gate outside the rich man’s home. The Greek is much more descriptive: we could say that Lazarus was either “thrown” or “dropped” there, almost like you might drop off a dog.

The rich man is dressed (covered?) in purple and fine linen; Lazarus is covered with sores.

The rich man feasted daily; Lazarus longed for crumbs.

The dogs who licked Lazarus’ wounds might have belonged to the rich man; did they eat the table scraps Lazarus longed for before they came and licked Lazarus’ sores?

The rich man died and was buried; Lazarus died and was carried away by angels (suggesting that he was never buried?)

The rich man experienced comfort in life and agony in death; Lazarus experienced agony in life and comfort in death.

The rich man was separated from Lazarus by a gate in life and a chasm in death; Lazarus was at Abraham’s bosom in death (the seat of honor?)

The rich man could control many things in life but nothing in his death.

Last Sunday we talked about apophenia, the tendency to see patterns where there are none. But in this parable, our job is absolutely to connect the dots. The contrasts in this parable point us to the reason why the rich man is in torment while Lazarus is in paradise:

The rich man was so consumed by all the accoutrements of his position in life—the fine clothes, good food, nice house, many friends—that he missed his chance to alleviate Lazarus’ great suffering. His faith should have led him to open his wallet and help a man who was suffering only a gate away. But it didn’t, and now it is too late.

Even in Hades, the rich man still doesn’t get it. Lazarus still isn’t a human being with agency of his own to the rich man; he is someone to order around.

“Send Lazarus to bring me water; I’m dying of thirst” (Luke 16:24, paraphrased)

The rich man still hasn’t learned his lesson that his many blessings in life ought to have been used to bring relief to people like Lazarus. Jesus leaves us with the inescapable conclusion that the rich man’s salvation is connected to what he didn’t do, not what he did or didn’t believe. His salvation is tied to his wallet.

If this makes us uncomfortable, then good. We should sit with tha discomfort, not run away from it. We need to avoid the temptation to go scampering off to other passages of Scripture to find pictures of salvation that are easier on our conscience.

We might be tempted to run back to Luke 15 and look at the Parable of the Prodigal Son. In his pride and arrogance, the young man had ruined everything. He’d done great damage to his relationships at home; he’d lost all of his money (and with it, all of his “friends”) and was left hungering for the garbage he was feeding the pigs. His only option is to go home with his hat in hand and beg to be a servant. But, wonder of wonders, his father welcomes him back.

This is Gospel truth!! We can and we should proclaim God’s grace in the Parable of the Prodigal Son. We could then have Carol come and lead us in singing, Softly and tenderly Jesus is calling…calling O sinner, come home. We would discover that the Holy Spirit still moves in people’s lives, convicting people of sin and moving people to repentance. People would respond to the Gospel, and it would be our turn to throw a party!

Or we might be tempted to look forward in the Gospels to John 3:16-17,

For God so loved the world that he sent his only Son, that whoever believes in him may not perish but may have eternal life. Indeed, God did not send the Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.

This, too, is Gospel truth!! We can proclaim this truth and Carol could come and lead us in singing, Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost, but now am found, was blind but now I see. People could feel the power of the Holy Spirit inviting them to leave their guilt and shame at the foot of the cross and rise up in newness of life and all would be well.

Every bit of that is Gospel truth, but so is Jesus’ message here, that the way we treat the Lazarus’ of the world—the people who have no agency to act on their own, the people whom we might even suspect have less than the image of God in them—is a determining factor of our eternal life.

If the most vulnerable among us are disposable then we have departed from the way of Jesus and we are the ones who need to repent. In the parable of the Rich Man and Lazarus, Jesus makes no overt statement about doctrine; he says nothing about belief. The only issue in the parable, the one that all the clues point to, is that the rich man had every opportunity to alleviate Lazarus’ great suffering and he did nothing about it. He knew enough about Lazarus’ situation to know his name, but he was not moved to open his wallet and provide for his care.

We Brethren understand this kind of thinking. When revival meetings became popular in the 1800’s, Brethren were initially suspicious of them. They were not suspicious of salvation. Instead, church leaders were concerned that people would get excited about a “Luke 15 understanding of grace” and rush into an emotional decision of salvation and never arrive at a “Luke 16 understanding of grace” and never count the cost of what it means to love their neighbor as themselves! But that’s exactly what Jesus is pointing us to. The parable of the Prodigal Son teaches us what it means to love and be loved by God, while the parable of the Rich Man and Lazarus teaches us what it means to love your neighbor as yourself.

Brothers and sisters, where is Lazarus? How does our love of God move us with compassion to alleviate his suffering?

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unpunny · 5 years

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Warning: to some, this joke is sexist / religiously offensive (but I don't agree)

Three men die and go to heaven.

The men think this is rather strange, but they agree.

The next day, the two remaining men take a walk in a park. One of the men doesn't look where he's going, and all of the sudden... CRUNCH! - a duck has been stepped on.

As with the last time, St. Peter appears instantly. "You know what I must do - you are now bound to the next ugliest woman in heaven for all eternity!"

Sorry about the length of this one, folks. I thought it was worth sharing.

#jokes #haha #lol #lmao #joke #funny

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healthandmightimesprekese1 · 7 years

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It's a Multi-Cultural Afterlife

One thing I've learned from years of studying comparative religion is that our mystical experiences are influenced by our cultural references. Afterlife experiences and beliefs are vastly different across cultures, and the "new age" theology that many of us embrace has latched on to a particular view of the afterlife that is unique to our own cultural influences.Consider these diverse concepts:

. In one Zulu community it is believed that we can reincarnate as animals, but only a chief can reincarnate as a lion.

. Zoroastrians believe that bad people go to a temporary "hell," but instead of heat and flames, it is intensely cold there. Fire is sacred in their culture, so punishment would include a life without fire (by the way, do you know that the idea of eternal, everlasting punishment only exists in Christianity?)

. Some native tribes believe that placing the bones of an animal you've killed in the spot where it died will enable it to reincarnate. *

One hundred percent of the information we have about the afterlife is based on reports from near-death experiences, channeled messages from mystics, or the out-of-body journeys of shamans, saints and sages throughout history. What they bring back from these visions and journeys is subjective, and reflects their unique personal perspectives and cultural references. It is highly unlikely that a white, Protestant-raised American would envision a cold hell or a political leader incarnated as a lion. Equally unlikely is a South American shaman journeying to a place where he meets St. Peter at the pearly gates of heaven.The point is this... we really can't say what happens in the afterlife, because it is different for everybody. I asked one of our resident afterlife experts,

William Buhlman

to comment on this, and he said, " Since the afterlife is highly thought-responsive, it is shaped by the collective thoughts and beliefs of the local inhabitants. This is why we must be very discriminating in what we accept and believe as a valid reality. There is no escaping our own mindset when we die. We are completely responsible for the nonphysical reality we enter and experience at death."

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