Traveller

💗 i would like to know more about you fren

:DD awesome!! I'm just gonna say a few facts that I've probably said a million times and I'll say them again-

I have adhd

I'm 14

snakes are the best pet, even tho I've never had one

cats are better than dogs

I am an undiagnosed insomniac

same with adhd and my mild depression and social anxiety

I do art that turns out really bad, especially humans

I write fanfics but then I lose motivation and totally forget about them

plus they're shit anyway

I roleplay Sanders Sides, mainly, but I'm up for some Supernatural too

the best show in existence is Supernatural, Sherlock coming in a close second

Sanders Sides is amazing

I really wanna roleplay a Sanders Sides au with Supernatural like two of the sides are brothers and ya get it

I'm asexual, possibly just graysexual

I'm Polyamorous

I'm polyromantic

I have one partner, Grey

I live with my three brothers who are 9, 17, and 21

I have no sisters

I'm agender and use they/them pronouns

I live with both parents

I tend to stay in my room most of the day, only coming out when I'm forced to or for meals

I go to sleep any time from 9pm-6am and sleep until 7am-12pm

but it's going to end up being 10am bc my parents won't let me sleep in later anymore

I will not drink hot coffee or tea, only iced

I despise Brussels sprouts

I call myself and my bf gay constantly

I make gay jokes

I'm not supposed to date until highschool but I said fuck that I'm getting a jf in 8th grade and a bf a few months later

I live in the USA

I live in the Midwest where I end up saying "ope" alot

I don't have an accent from my state

not a sports fan, regardless of pretty much everyone else liking the Vikings

I've driven down to California for vacation last summer, it took 10 days to go there and back as we went camping too and saw Mt Rushmore

I'm 90% sure my little brother is going to be gay

I have dyed my hair purple and want to dye it green or red next time

I have an undercut

my bangs are basically a mohawk

I have glasses

I read fanfiction for a living

I don't have a job nor money

I want to make art and sell it but I can't do art

I like to paint alot, usually just pride flags

I make custom wallpapers for people and I'm making pride wallpapers for pride month (I'll be posting them eventually)

I say "that's gay" with everything

I am afab

I used to use the name Jay but I've decided I like Killian better

Killian can be shortened to K, Kill, Killi, or anything you can think of

my bfs bf calls me Jay KKK bc he once when "Jay-kil-kill-killian-" so yeah

I'm closeted about my agender to my family because I have transphobic siblings

I've told my parents I'm lesbian and turns out that was a lie

I have 2 straight friends and that's it

my favorite color is blueish green

I am allergic to cats, yet I have one

I will read any Sanders sides, Sherlock, or Supernatural fanfic you throw at me. Harry Potter too

I'm willing to make friends of all types

I overshare online yet hide everything irl

I love getting asks as I usually don't get them very often except last night I was bombarded with asks and I was so confused bc y'all actually wanted to ask me things

I may do fanfic requests if y'all want

if you do the 👽 emoji in an ask I will let you know what you remind me of whenever, doesn't matter how far down my dash it is I will do it

I'll cheer you up in any way I can

I put others above myself, it's an issue

I get confused when people say they talk about me or think about me or even like me

like people actually mention me?? they care about me?? what is this??

especially when it's people I've never even met irl

I live about an hour away from current events happening in uh Minneapolis

I prefer winter when it's 30°F and I'm able to go outside with shorts and a t-shirt and not be dying from the heat

I go to Public school

going into freshman year this year

online learning is how I procrastinated everything until the last day when I somehow ended up with only one missing assignment

I took Spanish this year and I hated it so I'm doing ASL next year

I play flute and sing pretty much any part in choir, tenor through soprano but usually I'm alto

Aladdin is the best Disney movie

when I'm sad or empty I listen to mcr or Virgil's playlist

I hate spiders unless they're tarantulas or anything not inside my house

my room is in the basement

I usually only go on tumblr when I check notifs and then end up scrolling my dash for hours bc I totally forgot I was doing something else

I am on almost every single social media you can think of

I have multiple OCs, feel free to ask about them

Kayla, she/her, trans

Sil, ne/nem/nir, trans non-binary

Esma, she/they, demigirl

Veronica, she/he, bigender

Jupi, it/its, agender

I'll probably make more too

look at photo below bc I'm pinning this instead of that post-

I'll probably end up adding more since I'm going to pin this bc idk I feel like y'all want to know about me if you don't I'm sorry but too bad

below is another photo for rp details, yes it's a different theme dwi [[not doing any roleplays rn I'll link the post in a minute below]]

300 dtiys below

more details, mainly bc i get sad :( ↓↓

What I See Is Everything

Title: What I See is Everything

Rating: General Audience

Fandom: Planes: Fire&Rescue

Character Relationship(s): Blade Ranger/Dusty Crophopper

Character(s): Blade Ranger, Dusty Crophopper, Dipper, The Smoke Jumpers, Cabbie

Author’s Note’s: So recently, my writing had taken a downhill turn, and if anyone cares enough, they are welcome to partake in a nice little short story featuring a fandom I haven’t been in for a while and two of my characters from said fandom. It’s been dead here, so I’m willing to try and change that! 

          During nights like these Blade would think it best to sleep with the hangar doors open. He peered out into the moment; steaming, cooling rain drenched everything it touched, the tempurature brought to one more bearable than the day hours before. Springtime... It had been a scintillating sensation for Blade. Nearly every spring was. He could go for winter-like peace for a couple of months before the eternal grey hues and ashen snows would depress and deflate his content nature. It felt most natural for him to enjoy spring with all of its odd quirks. 

For Dusty’s sake at least. Dusty loved Spring and Summer months more than Blade did. In a sense, it matched his personality: Vibrant, stunning, warming, and welcoming. Constant joys during the seasons would be for the SEAT to play about in the lake, skip rocks with the Jumpers and sit and have quiet times with Dipper. When they were not around, Cabbie had always been good company. The old workhorse had tales of many glories in his time, the delight on Dusty’s face couldn’t be masked as insincere. 

At the end of the day, Blade was Dusty’s most favorite thing he’d always come to after a long, hot day. Or on a day where the rains would take over the majority of it. It would fill the copter’s body with a rumbling delight whenever he’d nestle up against him and talk. That’s it. Nothing more. Never less. Dusty could go on and on about how Propwash Junction was going, how he’d tell him that Mayday would ask about him. And about Skipper and the rest of the lot on the runway. Blade listened intently, asking and answering whenever his opinion called for it. 

The talks would tumble into the dusk, shadows of the natural sunlight dwindling swallowed the land unhurried. Dusty yawned shortly after, set ins of sleep cradling him comfortably as he sprawl out at the larger copter’s side. The endearment was reciprocated, Blade pressed himself against the smaller plane as best as his space would allow, kissing his cheek sweetly and then the humming crickets would set the lullaby required to sleep peacefully that night. 

Tonight, there would be no crickets to hum their songs, no sounds of Dusty’s laugh and chatter. None of that for the heavy patting rains deafened the air soothingly. Dusty was back in Blade’s hangar before the rains had started, disappointed that he was not able to do all that he wanted before they had arrived. He looked through the window, props scraping lightly at the sturdy redwood as he sighed wistfully.

“Springs showers last longer here, don’t they?” His tone was mundane and quiet but enough to bring Blade out of his trance. The red and black copter blinked once, rolling up to the window to see what his mate was seeing. 

“It’s seems like that. But it’s good thing too. I’d rather it rain for a two weeks straight than go without water for over three months.” His voice came comfortingly soft with a hint of mirth. There was a lot of truth there. Dusty just wasn’t used to the volume of rains California would get. That was fine. 

Dusty chuckled a bit at that. He turned away from the window as he went over to the cushy down of the den bed that Blade had provided. Initially the bed was for winter months, but those would often vary. He kept it out for comfort ever since. Blade’s glacial eyes followed Dusty before his body began to. Another sweet laugh came from Dusty as he leant into Blade, his nose pushing up against his frame delicately. Blade pushed back, nose running along Dusty’s wingtip pliantly. 

Silence, save the strong splattering of rain outside. The moments Blade enjoyed the most with Dusty. He enjoyed looking at the SEAT, marveling in this curious creature. How could he be in so much love? It was unfathomable, but addictive. 

“You are so beautiful...” Blade whispered, doubting it was audible. He closed his eyes as he awaited Dusty’s reaction.

“What did you say?” There it was. Dusty spoke a bit louder as the copter opened one eye. 

“I said, you’re so beautiful. But I bet you knew that already.” Blade quipped as he looked up at Dusty’s magnetic gaze. The SEAT rolled his eyes before adjusting to shake Blade off for a moment. 

“Interesting... I didn’t know that Blade. What is so beautiful about me?” Dusty challenged softly. It was a thought provoking question. Blade never told Dusty how and why he found him so beautiful. To anyone else, he was just a dingy looking hybrid with an attractive smile. 

Blade’s eyes went from Dusty to a random part of the room. He thought hard about what he was prepared to say. He could have said everything, but that came off as egregious and uninspired. Dusty inspired Blade in more ways than he could ever know. 

“Well...you’re eye-catching, fetching, a delight to my senses. Everything you do and are makes me weak,” Blade’s eyes went back to Dusty, feeling the other’s plating warm slightly, “When I look at you; I see everything. I see a plane forged with valor, courage, intelligence and such craft. What I see is a young, vivacious, pernicious, exotic specimen of excitement and delight.” The AugustaWestland’s nose brushed daintily across Dusty every crease, seeming to measure where his wings outline began. 

Dusty’s form heated up more as Blade whispered to him, velvety sweet voice making him look away for a moment. 

“I-I I can’t be all that.” Dusty stammered, the heat under his plating making it hard to speak. 

“Why not?”, Blade asked smoothly, “You are the one everyone wants, but only I get to have you,” A twinge of possession ripples through the copter as he nuzzles into Dusty, “Beautiful are your eyes, so rich and cool it is like staring into the sweet spring sky itself, a body complete with curves and grooves like a winding runway tarmac, and a voice like a chorus of songbirds chittering a melodious call... Yes, you are what true beauty manifests as.” He couldn’t control himself anymore. He went to the front of the bewildered being to grant him a long, seductive kiss to his near open mouth. 

Dusty wanted to comment on what had gotten into Blade. He would never think that he would spend so much time admiring and idolizing the frame Dusty had. The younger male gasped softly as Blade pressed into him more, the subtle thundering of his engine making Dusty feel a certain way. A way he could not translate into words as Blade stole his lips in a sweet kiss. He had to close his eyes. The feel of his lips on him again was the sensation of a lifetime, even better than being called ‘beautiful’ a hundred times over.

When the kiss was over, Dusty pouted slightly. Sharing a kiss with Blade was a rarity in its own. Even though they were together, Blade didn’t just kiss Dusty casually. They had shared one passionate kiss while they made love, but no more than that. To have Blade like this was a treat.

“Wow... it would take a lifetime before I knew just how beautiful I really was to you. But... Blade, I don’t need those big words to know how beautiful I am to you. Do you want to know why?” Dusty’s voice softened as he pressed his nose to Blade’s. The AugustaWestland stayed silent but confirmed to Dusty that he was listening to him.

“I know I’m beautiful to you not because of your words, but in the way you look at me. In the ways your voice softens when you comfort me, or in that commanding strength that gives me confidence and security. I know how beautiful I am to you because of how you stop and stare at me. As if time just stopped for the both of us. In the little moments too Blade,” Dusty leaned in more, “You can use all the synonyms in the dictionary to describe to me what beautiful is, but to me, you loving me is beautiful.”

Blade smiled. It was not a rare thing he did when it came to Dusty, but this smile was different. It radiated with genial softness, eyes glistening with fervor but no lust. It was yearning and seeking, but he had all he wanted within the reflection of his gaze. 

“I love you...” Softly spoken as it came from Blade. He has said so many times before but here it meant far more than it did before. Both he and Dusty knew.

Dusty returns the smile warmly, a light flush spewing from his exhaust as he licked Blade’s nose sweetly. He didn’t say it back. It was expressed in the softness of his blue eyes.

“Take me to bed...” Was all he said. To Blade it had one meaning but he wouldn’t act on that now. For now, he would lay with Dusty on this rainy, cold night and show to him all the ways he knew to make his Dusty feel beautiful.

There you go folks, just wanted a nice, self indulgent fic about Blade calling Dusty beautiful and the way Dusty showcases that beauty is something you feel, not what you are. Enjoy my Proppies!!

200-1 :3

200: My crush’s name is: @when-youcant-sleepat-night199: I was born in: England198: I am really: irritating197: My cellphone company is: Tesco!196: My eye color is: grey, sometimes green or sometimes blue195: My shoe size is: 8194: My ring size is: I have no idea, but I have thick fingers193: My height is: 5′9 and a half192: I am allergic to: Most bug bites191: My 1st car was: I have no idea what make it is... there’s a funny bird looking thing on the front though190: My 1st job was: Primark189: Last book you read: The Sex Lives Of Siamese Twins188: My bed is: currently lacking @when-youcant-sleepat-night187: My pet: sucks, she stalks me186: My best friend: is my girlfriend185: My favorite shampoo is: Palmer’s Organic Coconut!!184: Xbox or ps3: PS3 who do you think I am183: Piggy banks are: terrible,, my ADHD brain cannot deal182: In my pockets: are a pack of soothers 181: On my calendar: my girlfriend visiting soon180: Marriage is: definitely happening, sometime soon.. tell my girlfriend to marry me179: Spongebob can: get it178: My mom: sucks, she’s manipulative177: The last three songs I bought were? I dont buy songs! but my newest was Even If It’s A Lie by Matt Maltese176: Last YouTube video watched: Kitchen Nightmares US175: How many cousins do you have? two! They’re both under 5174: Do you have any siblings? - biologically 5, technically 3173: Are your parents divorced? - nope, but probably should be172: Are you taller than your mom? - almost!171: Do you play an instrument? - I play a few... Piano, bass, sometimes guitar170: What did you do yesterday? - College, unfortunately[ I Believe In ]169: Love at first sight: I do!168: Luck: definitely167: Fate: yup!166: Yourself: never165: Aliens: of course164: Heaven: nope163: Hell: nope! wish I did though162: God: I believe in higher power, but not one set God, perhaps many161: Horoscopes: very much so160: Soul mates: hell yeh159: Ghosts: on the fence158: Gay Marriage: you’re asking a lesbian..157: War: never, never ever156: Orbs: I have no idea what this is.. and as a witch I probably should155: Magic: of course![ This or That ]154: Hugs or Kisses: 153: Drunk or High:152: Phone or Online:151: Red heads or Black haired:150: Blondes or Brunettes:149: Hot or cold:148: Summer or winter:147: Autumn or Spring:146: Chocolate or vanilla:145: Night or Day:144: Oranges or Apples:143: Curly or Straight hair:142: McDonalds or Burger King: (I’m allergic to McDonalds though.. but I love it)141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate:140: Mac or PC:139: Flip flops or high heels: neither138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: I’m already ugly, I have nothing to lose137: Coke or Pepsi:136: Hillary or Obama:135: Burried or cremated:134: Singing or Dancing:133: Coach or Chanel:132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: ... who?131: Small town or Big city:130: Wal-Mart or Target: I’m British129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler:128: Manicure or Pedicure:127: East Coast or West Coast:126: Your Birthday or Christmas:125: Chocolate or Flowers:124: Disney or Six Flags:123: Yankees or Red Sox: ...what?[ Here’s What I Think About ]122: War: childish, unnecessary, unreasonable, avoidable121: George Bush: cunt120: Gay Marriage: bombest shit ever119: The presidential election: rigged, put a lesbian in office118: Abortion: let people do what they want117: MySpace: I’m too young for that 116: Reality TV: good for when I don’t want my brain. British reality tv is the best115: Parents: wish I had good ones114: Back stabbers: worthless, hurt people hurt people113: Ebay: 90% shitty112: Facebook: everyone middle aged mother 111: Work: makes me hate people even more110: My Neighbors: are crazy, one sweeps the pavement with a paint brush and the other practices the unicycle109: Gas Prices: ridiculous108: Designer Clothes: kinda pointless107: College: wish it didn’t exist106: Sports: sO overrated105: My family: I love my sisters104: The future: is bright[ Last time I ]103: Hugged someone: Friday102: Last time you ate: yesterday101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: no idea100: Cried in front of someone: yesterday99: Went to a movie theater: a couple months ago with my sister98: Took a vacation: start of September 97: Swam in a pool: years ago96: Changed a diaper: no idea95: Got my nails done: never94: Went to a wedding: two years ago93: Broke a bone: never92: Got a peircing: last October91: Broke the law: 3 months ago90: Texted: hour ago[ MISC ]89: Who makes you laugh the most: @when-youcant-sleepat-night88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my sister and my cat87: The last movie I saw: Pride86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: seeing my girlfriend85: The thing im not looking forward to: her leaving84: People call me: the baby83: The most difficult thing to do is: focus82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: never81: My zodiac sign is: gemini80: The first person i talked to today was: my girlfriend 79: First time you had a crush: two years ago on my best friend78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: @when-youcant-sleepat-night77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: ten minutes ago76: Right now I am talking to: my girlfriend 75: What are you going to do when you grow up: maybe die, who knows 74: I have/will get a job: ... I have a job?73: Tomorrow: I wanna sleep72: Today: I wanna cuddle my baby71: Next Summer: move out70: Next Weekend: get cuddled69: I have these pets: I have three cats!!68: The worst sound in the world: squeeky cardboard67: The person that makes me cry the most is: Liam goddam Neeson66: People that make you happy: my sister, my girlfriend, bts 65: Last time I cried: a couple hours ago64: My friends are: non existent63: My computer is: shitty,, Toshiba62: My School: makes me wanna die61: My Car: is broken60: I lose all respect for people who: cheat59: The movie I cried at was: Marley and Me58: Your hair color is: brown and ginger57: TV shows you watch: Come Dine With Me, anything with Gordon Ramsay, The Apprentice56: Favorite web site: Tumblr55: Your dream vacation: my girlfriends bed54: The worst pain I was ever in was: depression was a bitch, but I also had tonsillitis that turned septic53: How do you like your steak cooked: I don’t like steak52: My room is: small, cold

51: My favorite celebrity is: Min Yoongi or Kim Heechul50: Where would you like to be: @when-youcant-sleepat-night‘s bed49: Do you want children: I really do, atleast 148: Ever been in love: legit right now47: Who’s your best friend: @when-youcant-sleepat-night46: More guy friends or girl friends: mostly girls45: One thing that makes you feel great is: cuddles44: One person that you wish you could see right now: my girlfriend 43: Do you have a 5 year plan: I dont even have a plan for the next five minutes 42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: be happy41: Have you pre-named your children: nope, not at all40: Last person I got mad at: my mother39: I would like to move to: Wales or Ireland38: I wish I was a professional: musician[ My Favorites ]37: Candy: Kinder Bueno36: Vehicle: Jeeps35: President: Obama34: State visited: Florida33: Cellphone provider: wtf32: Athlete: I don’t know any31: Actor: Ezra Miller30: Actress: Sarah Paulson29: Singer: Park Jimin28: Band: The Smashing Pumpkins27: Clothing store: Urban Outfitter26: Grocery store: Aldi25: TV show: Come Dine With Me24: Movie: Girl Interrupted23: Website: Tumblr22: Animal: Panda21: Theme park: Thorpe Park20: Holiday: haven’t been on one I’ve liked19: Sport to watch: Hockey18: Sport to play: Trampolining17: Magazine: Kerrang16: Book: The Chocolate War by Robert Cormier15: Day of the week: Saturday14: Beach: I hate beaches :(13: Concert attended: BTS12: Thing to cook: noodles11: Food: anything cheesy10: Restaurant: Nandos9: Radio station: I don’t know any8: Yankee candle scent: cupcake7: Perfume: vanilla, Britney Spears ones are good though!6: Flower: Sunflowers5: Color: Green4: Talk show host: James Corden3: Comedian: Lee Evans2: Dog breed: Cats1: Did you answer all these truthfully? hopefully

Every Single Night

A look at what Branch’s evenings are like.

(fic is set before the movie. mega angsty and borderline dark; about how his depression, anxiety, and paranoid ocd manifests at the worst of times.)

Murky grey clouds poured rain onto the forest below. Thunder clapped, shaking the earth, followed quickly by lightning. The storm was upon Troll Village and didn’t seem to be going anywhere anytime soon, drenching every inch of the area. Most trolls were tucked away safely in their warm, dry pods, hunkered down for the night, letting the rain form a sort of soothing lullaby. 

Most trolls, but not all.

One troll, as grey as the sky above, slogged his way through the muddy grass, shoving along a large apple. The fruit was as big as Branch was, and was proving to be more of a hassle in the rain than he had anticipated. He wasn’t prepared at all for the storm, and that bothered him. Being prepared was his whole life; it consumed almost every bit of his time. To not be ready for something was to take a huge risk. To be in danger. At least it was in his eyes. He wanted to get out of the rain ASAP. The loud thunder and the large drops beating against any wand all surfaces was loud enough to drown out any noise that an approaching predator might make. No matter how much he strained, swiveled, and pricked his ears, he couldn’t hear anything other than the steady beat of the downpour. It was also much too dark to see anything beyond the surrounding foliage that could be lurking, eager to strike and claim a tasty meal of troll with fresh fruit. Paranoia put a hot spark under his feet and he picked up his pace. 

Soaked to the bone and shivering, Branch finally arrived at his unwelcome mat. He threw it open and kicked the apple in, jumping in after it and latching the hatch shut. A sigh of relief and exhaustion mingled with the hammering raindrops above the hatch. Storms like that were unusual this late into Fall. Unexpected. Anything unexpected was really inherently threatening, if you thought about it long enough. And Branch gave anything threatening plenty of thought. 

Wringing out his hair with one hand, he used the other to start his elevator down to one of his storage rooms. The biggest one was where he stored his apples. They were a sizable food source for him, and very versatile as well. Fine if eaten raw, but could be dried, made into pies, crisps, soups, stews, the seeds could be roasted, and even the occasional hard cider could be made from fermented apples when he needed to wind down after a particularly hard day. Just one apple could provide him with all of this. Definitely worth the trouble. 

Coming to a stop at the apple-filled mini cave, Branch quickly booted the fruit in with the others and continued down. He was cold, tired, and desperate for a change of clothes. The bunker was already chilly enough without icy, dripping fabric clinging to his shivering frame. Wonderful for the hot summer months and quite comfortable in the spring, but nothing short of damp and miserable the other half of the year. He’d have to clean his chimney out before the first frost if he wanted any chance of staying warm during the winter. 

Arriving outside his bedroom, he peeled off his vest and threw it onto a stray chair, not about to toss it into his hamper and make all of his other worn clothes damp and possibly moldy. His shorts soon followed and both were replaced with dry equivalents. Satisfied, he wandered back to his elevator once more. His internal clock (a.k.a. his growling stomach) was hinting that it was well passed time for him to make himself dinner. 

Thunder rumbled again from above, prompting Branch to glance upward. Fitting. The mood within the bunker was not unlike that of the one above; dreary, gloomy, and lonesome. Although, lonesome seemed to be around whether it was raining or not. Especially this time of day. He stretched his shoulders with a grunt, trying to distract himself from getting into a bad mood.

The lift settled at the bottom of the bunker with an echoing clunk. Branch plodded towards his meager kitchen, debating if he was up to actually cooking something or if he should just have some cold leftover acorn gruel. He had done so for the past few nights. Next time, he’d tell himself. Poppy had given him a handmade scrapbook-style cook book a few weeks earlier with recipes she loved and hoped that he would enjoy, too. She’d even included little cutouts of her and Branch cooking on each page, smiling, covered in flour or chocolate or whatever else they could make a mess with. Some dishes had actually seemed quite good: Pancakes with raspberry filling and blueberry sauce. Coffee cake with strawberry chunks and cinnamon. Smoked fish with roasted carrots and acorns. Recipes that had delicious results, but required a good amount of time and effort. Time and effort had seemed to be in short supply for him recently, resulting in his current cycle of leftovers. He didn’t want to start making it a routine, but he just hadn’t had the energy to prepare anything. Ironic, after days of nothing but preparation.

A low sigh was released through his nose. A calloused hand rubbed at his eyes. Exhaustion was hitting him hard and fast. He had already been running on little sleep when he had been caught in that storm and had exerted himself on top of that trying to rush back home. The last few days of constant foraging, manic energy, and anxious insomnia were now starting to drag him down mentally as well as physically. Rather rapidly, at that.

Yeah, it was another leftovers night. Next time. 

---

Sitting in the middle of his old couch felt better than pressing himself into one of the corners. He’d learned this some years ago. More room to spread out...stretch...scatter some books around for easy reading...feel like it wasn’t meant for a group of trolls to share, but rather one single troll to sit by himself on...

...stretch some more...

A bowl of watery, unheated, straight-from-the-fridge acorn porridge sat dejectedly on the small stump table in front of a pair of grey legs. Not much had been done to it. Branch was staring at it like he was attempting to make it to start floating, or maybe even disappear. Like it was the last thing he wanted to have in front of him in that moment. He scratched his chin before resting it in his hand, leaning forward to stare at the dirt wall instead. Had his stare been able to bore holes, it’d have dug more than halfway through that wall to troll-knows-where with the amount of time he’d spent glaring at it over the last several years, daydreaming like he was now. He imagined a happy pink troll being there instead of the cold earth. The clammy acorn sludge was instead a hot, homemade soup that she’d brought him. To put some love in your tummy! He picked up the spoon and scooped up a bit of the bowl’s contents. He looked back up at Poppy, who was grinning, eager for him to taste what she’d made just for him. 

“Cheers,” he muttered with a half smile, popping the spoon into his mouth. 

As soon as the bitter taste hit his tongue, his imagined Poppy was gone, replaced with dirt once more. The hot soup tasted as though it had been swapped out for dirt as well. Lovely. He swallowed quickly and tossed the spoon back on the table. The bowl was snatched off the table as we walked back to the kitchen towards the sink. Rather than torture himself by eating that slop spoonful by painful spoonful, he tipped the whole thing into his mouth in one go. Swallowing with a shudder, he tossed the bowl into the sink with the others and went to sit at his desk instead of that awful couch. The clatter of a tower of bowls tumbling over made him jump as it pierced the stillness he had been in previously. He should probably do some dishes soon. Tomorrow, for sure.

Another rumble of thunder mulled through the thick silence in the bunker. Branch picked up one of the many charcoal nubs lying on his stump desk and sat heavily on the rock chair. Practically nothing in this bunker was comfortable to rest on. Even his bed had grown rigid over the years, and that old couch was like a brick with a thin layer of moss. Unyielding, stone-like, cold to the touch. Hmm. 

One mindless drawing session later, the grey troll found himself staring at a rather unpleasant image. A scratchy, smudged version of himself in the craggy jaws of a bergen. Its eyes were bloodshot and wide with anticipation for the high it would soon get. Branch’s eyes were wide as well, with terror and desperation instead, as his hands seemed to reach off the paper to his creator in a last-ditch effort to get to safety. Branch scrunched up his face. That acorn gruel was at the back of his throat for a moment until he shoved the drawing away roughly. He didn’t want to think about that right now. Not that what he wanted mattered very much when it came to his thoughts. They came and went as they pleased, intruding almost constantly, bringing disturbing and upsetting images like that at the best of times. A twitch of the ears, and he was back to drawing, trying to depict something a bit nicer. A bit softer. 

He tried to make the charcoal glide over the page, ignoring his usual urge to make scratchy, sketchy, hard marks. Gentle curves, swooping lines. His nose was almost touching the paper, he was leaned in so close. His thumb carefully smudged here and there to add shading. Small dots for freckles. Curly marks for flowers. One quick swipe of black for a grin. 

He leaned back, dropping the charcoal next to his finished piece. Poppy’s smiling face beamed up at his sullen expression, almost willing him to tug up the corners of his own mouth. An all-too-familiar ache settled in his chest, turning his almost-smile into a definite frown. Thunder clapped. He tore the drawing into pieces. Best to get ready for bed. 

---

Scrubbing vigorously at his teeth, Branch avoided eye contact with his dull reflection as he stood at his old sink. When was he going to get rid of that stupid mirror, anyway? He made sure to get rid of any lasting traces of that gruel before finishing and heading off to his bedroom. He shrugged off his vest and carefully hung it back in his closet. An hour or two of wearing did not warrant it a wash. He wasn’t that grungy. 

He stared into the left corner of his closet for a moment. A small box sat in the shadows, a bit dusty from being left alone for a good while. A cobweb had even appeared on one of its wooden sides, one of which read “G.R.”. Still, he decided not to touch it. Not tonight. He closed the closet door with a click and walked over to his small nightstand, reaching up to tap the bioluminescent mushroom growing from above, encouraging it to give off a bit more light. A small journal and a bit of charcoal was gathered in his large hands from off the table. Lying back into his bed, stiff pillow propped up for extra support, he flipped to his latest entry and began writing below it:

October 12

Averaged 40 degrees Fahrenheit. Cloudy. Windy. Thunder storm in the evening and into the night. 

Supplies gathered:

- 32 pieces of firewood

- 12 blueberries

- 10 acorns

- 5 jars of fresh water

- 1 apple

Notes: Growl Beasts are becoming more aggressive as they prepare to hibernate. Should attempt to warn the village tomorrow. Thunderstorm despite storm season’s passing. River may start freezing soon. Should go fishing beforehand and stock up. No bergens spotted. 

Poppy encounters: 0

His shoulders sank a bit as he closed the log book. He was tempted to leave the last bit of information blank, as the night was still fairly young, but common sense beat that hope back down. The princess would not be out in this rain just to come visit him and get yelled at to go away. She was overly cheerful and friendly, yes, but not stupid. He knew that much. 

The log was traded out for a larger, more personal journal. Once a blank page was located, he stared at it carefully, rubbing his temple and brow with two fingers as his thoughts swam. He drew up his knees closer to himself, almost to become smaller, more hidden from...no one, he supposed. He started to write:

A storm rolls through

Grumbling, heaving, heavy

Longing to pour out what its been harboring

But too afraid 

As others would drown.

And what then?

Branch paused and grunted before flipping to a clean page. He tapped the charcoal against the page for a moment, thoughts drifting back to the princess. He began again:

Take me in your gentle hands

Our contrast as stark as warm sunbeams shining through murky skies

Mold me into something softer

More in your own image

Smooth my sharp edges

Touch me with tenderness that I haven’t-

“Ahh,” he hissed, aggressively swiping to a new page. Stupid. 

A dog that bites every hand that attempts to feed it deserves to starve.

It bites to protect those who it has bitten

But-

He scratched viciously at the paper, teeth bared, before slamming the journal shut. He held it with white-knuckle grasp, fighting the urge to throw it across the room. A couple deep breaths, and it was roughly placed back on the table. Not a night for that, it seemed.

Another roll of thunder. 

He slid down further to lie flat on his back, staring at the softly glowing mushrooms above him as he calmed back down. In his mind, they became twinkling stars in a clear summer sky. He turned to face his right. Imaginary Poppy was back, magenta eyes fixed up above to the stars above them. She turned to face him and gave him a small smile. That little gap in her front teeth could’ve melted him right then and there. She reached a hand over and traced the crows feet in the corner of his eye. He shut them, just for a moment, a bit longer than a blink, just a bit too long. The princess was gone as soon as he opened them again. The stars were back to being mushrooms on the ceiling of the muggy, chilled room. 

With a shiver and a sniff, Branch clenched his eyes shut and rolled onto his side. He needed sleep, he was starting to lose it. He yanked his patchy blanket up over his shoulder in one swift motion, trying to nestle down into the bed. It pushed back against him stubbornly. A heavy exhale. He hated how big this stupid bed was. Big, lumpy, cold, empty, lonely, made for two, occupied by one. Why did he have a second pillow. Why did he always sleep in the same spot, as if the left side of the bed was reserved, claimed by another troll. He couldn’t even bring himself to edge a bit closer to the middle. Ridiculous. 

He shut his eyes tightly, trying his best to clear his clamoring mind enough to get some actual rest.

---

The sharp sound of feet kicking against sheets ripped through the air as Branch jolted awake with a gasp. Sweat beaded on his brow and his skin felt clammy. He sat up with a cough and tried to catch his breath. Same dark room, same dirt and root walls, same uncomfortable, barren bed. Reality was hardly reassuring to him, but better than the alternative his brain had conjured in his sleep. Sweaty palms pressed into his eyes before being dragged down his face with a sigh-ish grumble. The small clock on his table told him is was barely passed midnight. His growling stomach affirmed this information. 

It was a bad habit, but he couldn’t shake it, no matter how hard he tried. It was either get a midnight snack or lie there with his own thoughts all night, too hungry to fall back asleep. Cruelly, sometimes the food wasn’t enough, and he’d be up all night anyway without rumbling demands from his gut to distract him. It would just be him and his thoughts. Those intrusive, unwelcome thoughts. And silence. But maybe tonight would be different.

He slid off his bed with a huff and made his way to the storage room across the hall. His legs were a bit more like jelly than he liked. He tapped a dimly lit mushroom and it immediately brightened up, illuminating the pile of blueberries that nearly reached the ceiling. Dipping into his emergency supplies made him anxious, but not anxious enough to stop him from plunking himself down next to the pile and helping himself to however many he wanted, blank faced. However many it took to fill this gnawing hole inside him, he supposed. He’d just mark how many he ate in the dirt, and then go out and collect enough to replace them tomorrow, and then some. His collection was already impressive. 734 berries tucked away for safekeeping. 

...733, now. 

He wished he could feel a bit proud about it, but really, it was just the product of a monotonous routine that he’d grown tired of. At one point he quite enjoyed it, felt accomplished, found comfort in the fact that he was so prepared. Now, if anything, foraging was a manic chore that had become an unpleasant compulsion, and the results were just a foreboding reminder that something was going to go horribly wrong one day. A bergen would arrive at the village and, like a coward, he would run away and hide. He would stay deep in his hole in the ground for another 10 years, truly by himself. No cheerful morning songs to wake up to, no booming late-night parties to keep him up. No one sneaking up on him to give him a spine-contorting bearhug. No more glitter-vomiting invitations being shoved in his face. No more visits from his princess, offering kind words, encouragement, inclusivity. No more adorable smiles, pink blushes, tucking of hair behind ears, mischievous winks. No more hurt expressions after harsh words. No more teary eyes or downcast looks. No more dejected walks back to the village. No more second, third, fourth, seemingly endless chances. That would end, and the village would be destroyed, and everyone would be gone for good. Except him, in his bunker, alone, for ten long years, until his supplies finally ran out. And even then he would remain down here, rather than face whatever horror was above ground, bergen or bergen-caused. 

Branch shakily wiped his eyes and shook his head. That was enough. Plenty. Time to go back to bed. 

He paused in the doorway for a moment. Down the shadowy hallway was another desk, smaller than the one in the main room of the bunker. Beside it were two small shelves, hidden behind ratty curtains, unlike the many other selves and cubbies on the surrounding walls. Unconsciously, he traveled to the desk and sat down, staring at the curtains. Carefully, almost fearfully, he drew them aside. The blast of color was visible even in the low light. His favorite invitation was selected and gently placed on the table. His eyes felt so heavy. Everything felt heavy. Crushing. If his hand were to even touch a single corner of this invitation, it would surely turn to dust. Destroyed by his rough hands. His ears drooped down, the silence heavy within them as well. He should go back to bed. Get some rest before going back out to forage tomorrow. Everything out there would be heavy, too. Sodden with the drenching rain. Unmovable, maybe. No matter how much it was pushed or pulled or encouraged or hugged, it would stay heavy and solid. Stubborn. Anchored by the product of a looming storm.

He blinked rapidly and drew in a deep breath. Reigning in his imagination was difficult when he was awake and alert, let alone half asleep and groggy. The invitation was nudged open. Two little figures popped out at him, stood atop a neon orange mushroom. Warm pink and dull grey arms were wrapped around each other, and big smiles stretched on little paper faces. Happy Valentine’s Day! was written in glittery, swooping letters across a rainbow of pinks, purples, reds and whites. Hearts on little springs danced lazily around the pair. Branch felt taunted by them. He frowned at the small grey figure. How dare it be there, honestly. An ugly smudge in such a beautifully colorful scene, embracing the happiest troll that could ever exist. What had he done to deserve that? Deserve such a loving gesture from someone so sweet and kind? With the awful things he’d done?

The invitation was slammed shut with both hands. He couldn’t take this torment his brain was putting him through. Couldn’t he just enjoy anything anymore? Not everything had to be upsetting, or miserable, or depressing. This downward spiral he could feel himself entering needed to stop. Somehow. At least that’s what he thought for the most part. There was always that small, nagging feeling to just let it happen, let his mind run wild, painting whatever horrors and torments it wanted. To just hit rock bottom and stay there, away from everyone and everything external that could hurt him. Internal, he’d have to deal with on his own. But really, he’d had practice, so maybe it wouldn’t be that bad. Probably not. 

He recoiled with a sharp inhale. Sleep. Back to sleep. The card was hastily tucked away back in its place and hidden behind the curtains. 

His feet dragged as he entered his bedroom again. This really was his least favorite room in the bunker. The bed was cold when he climbed back in, drawing the covers up. He faced the empty space beside him, breathing shallow, mouth slightly ajar. He could feel his anxiety starting to build as he stared into the blackness before him. Shapes formed in the nothingness, but disappeared as soon as he attempted to focus on them. Ghosts? Burrowing predators? What was it. What were they. Anxiety turned to a fearful panic. It festered at the very base of his skull. It spread slowly to his temples, just behind his eyes, into the tense muscles of his neck, up and down his spine. Settled right in his gut and festered some more. Stabbed at his nerves, squeezed his lungs, churned his stomach. Gritting his teeth, he wrapped his arms around himself and tucked his legs to his body, trying to squeeze out the throbbing ache. The silence was overwhelming. It was just unreal, paranormal...there must be something causing it. Something waiting in the silence to take him, rip him to absolute shreds in the space where he should feel safest. Just beyond the edge of the bed, it was waiting. He could feel it, sense it, hear it in the silence. It was so loud. He clamped his hands over his ears, worried he was already deaf. The thing would join him in the bed any second now, fill that empty void that he was saving. Years and years of saving. It would come creeping over over to him, engulf his entire body. Trace the wrinkles on his sweaty face, count the dark freckles on his cheeks and ears. A freezing cold touch. No tenderness, just ice. It would crawl into his ears through his fingers, seize him by the brain and destroy every bit of him from the inside out in one swift scream of pure nothingness. Fill him with silence as well. 

The icy touch slapped him across the face so suddenly, he couldn’t hold back the scream of shock and terror he’d been holding hostage in his throat. The blanket was ripped away and the mushroom was hammered on until the whole room was alight with an eery blue glow. Ragged breathing was strangled into sobs. The room was empty. He was alone. Another small drop of water fell down from the ceiling and onto the end of his nose. Above, he could see condensation had gathered on the mushrooms, waiting for gravity to pull the moisture down onto him. 

He screwed his eyes shut and reopened them, chest heaving. He was alone. It was just water. He was alone. It was all in his head. He. Was. Alone.

He buried his face in his knees, pulling at his mussed dark hair. Enduring these constant fights with his mind, clinging to slipping rationality, every single night...he didn’t know how to cope. He wished so badly that someone was there with him to hold him, pull him back to reality, tell him everything was alright. Ground him and give him reassurance. Tell him that he wasn’t alone, that he was strong, that she would be there for him always, that she cared for him. But he was alone, and she was in the village, surrounded by people she cared about instead down in this dank hole with him, the troll who had barked at her to go away every time she tried to get close. So instead he just sat, still as possible, and tried to get control of himself, tried to not let everything pour out of himself in a white-hot blaze of guilt and raw emotion. 

“Poppy,” he whispered into his knees, voice breaking, “...I’m sorry...”

---

The clamor of his alarm ripped Branch from sleep in an instant. He hadn’t even realized he’d managed to fall into a dreamless sleep at some point of the night. What a blessing. His body’s position was less than favorable; sat up, head in his arms, resting on his knees. Wincing, he stretched out, locked up limbs cracking and popping. He twisted his sore back with a groan until he earned a few pops from there as well. A lazy hand was slapped onto the alarm. Silence once again. It was early morning, before the other trolls would be up and singing.

He cleared his throat loudly and slid off the bed, trudging to his closet. A fresh leafy vest was pulled on with a firm roll of the shoulders. Clicking his teeth together in a rhythmless fashion, he went to check on the damage he’d done on his berry supply in the night. Seven jagged lines were drawn in the dirt. No wonder he wasn’t particularly hungry this morning. What a shame, he’d have to miss out on acorn porridge for breakfast. A real tragedy. 

He scoffed to himself and went to prepare his backpack. Slingshot, frying pan, rope, blanket, first aid, field notebook, charcoal, and a small jar of water. His usual arsenal for the day. It was all tucked away securely and slung over his shoulders with a huff. Maybe he’d forage closer to the village today. The terrain was more flat there, and probably wouldn’t be flooded. He did need to warn the other trolls about the increase in aggressive tendencies of the local Growl Beasts anyway. Poppy should really be the first to know, as the princess. It was just logical.

The elevator’s platform vibrated slightly under his feet as he ascended. His face was blank, staring straight forward, thick eyebrows slightly knitted together. Thoughts would normally be buzzing about in his brain, but he felt strangely clear and calm this morning. Like he’d had a reset. The fresh air felt wonderful against his skin as the bunker’s hatch was thrown open. The forest still had the smell of recent rains. The chill in the air was crisp. His breath was visible in front of him. Early morning in the forest was one of his favorite times. It wasn’t silent, but there weren’t any noisy celebrations happening either to attract hungry bergens. Just gentle wind blowing through bare tree limbs, the crunch of dried leaves under his feet, distant song of birds, and his own breath leaving his body. 

Time to get going. Night would be approaching again before he knew it. 

January 24th, 1981

Weighing 150 pounds is tantamount to being happy. It is only when I am that weight that I feel really good about the way my body looks, and consequently how comfortable I feel about sex. After four days of strict observance, I went off my diet yesterday. My last day at work and Don had planned a lunch for me at McCann's across the street from Gimbel's and not having a couple of beers withe the boys and a hearty lunch just seemed inappropriate. I was flattered by this show of well-wishing on their part. That job has just left such a horrible taste in my mouth, I was so unhappy doing it that I'm surprised that I did it well. Everyone hated to see me go. Every job I've ever had has resulted in strong feelings for some of the people. Even my short term at JWT caused some tender feelings when I left. Yesterday as I walked down the hallway toward the elevator, I just breathed a sigh of relief and thought to myself "Whew, you barely survived that one." So, I drank and ate with the boys and later in the afternoon the office had a little wine and cheese party in Terry's office. I was up from all the excitement of leaving and Allan and I decided to go uptown for drinks after work. A real rarity. This winter has been so brutal that even going out for drinks in the neighborhood has seemed an effort. We met at Cahoots, a first visit for both of us. The bar is nearly empty. A pretty man plays the piano and several other pretty men stand around the piano and drink. Two business men sit at the bar and talk. A solitary bearded guy sits at the end. Allan and I stand against the wall and have a draft beer. For a change both of us are in office clothes. We leave after the drink and walk several blocks out of the way as I attempt to intuitively find the Wildwood, where I had gone several time last summer. Finally we stop at a phone booth and I called information. It turns out, it was close to Cahoots, which we had been walking away from. The bar is comfortable, we both like it. But it is also nearly empty and the crowd is huddled at the bar, neighbors. Allan and I stand against the wall and eat peanuts and drink beer and leave after the drink. We take the subway home, but I stop at Gimbel's where I have left a package. The package (coffee cup from the office, layouts on the Garfinckel's book, roses as a going away gift from Rosann and a banana and an orange leftover from lunch on Tuesday) was not where it was supposed to be and the guard and I had to look for it for 15 minutes. At home, my mother's Christmas package to me had arrived, a huge cardboard box that was battered and torn. I dragged it up to the apartment where Allan already was. I opened the box expecting just maybe the leather jacket that I had hinted I wanted. Inside, I found a horrible middle-aged man J.C. Penny coat of fake suede and polyester pile lining. Just dreadful. Also a really tacky bathroom ensemble made of lurid shiny black polyester velour. Imagine: a fuzzy seat for the toilet. Curiously, she had also included two worn bath towels, one green, one red (for padding perhaps?) and a Crisco can full of marvelous homemade fudge and divinity and some other kind of candy. Rene had sent me a bottle of really nasty cheap after shave called "Flag and Sails" which he had wrapped completely in heavy grey industrial tape.

There was an address book titled "Red Hot Numbers" for straight men with cute little pictures of girls dressed as angels and pictures of devils with pitchforks. It was for meant for rating their dates as saints or sinners. Some couple, friends of mom and Rene's. I can only imagine the scene when they joked to my mother about sending that bachelor son of hers an address book to keep score of all those women. And of my mother, and Rene, not saying anything. The box of presents depressed and saddened me. All this cheap merchandise. Makes me feel so sad for the awful world these people inhabit. These poor people are so dumb, and god dammit, they're my family. They're so ignorant and their lives are so hard and mean. They have no spark, no verve, no imagination, their joys are so simple-minded. These are working class people with no intellectual capacity. I love it when my family and I remain at a healthy distance. But boxes full of their sadness arrives at my door. Visits home make me face them directly. I like to pretend that they are just a normal middle American family living out of the heartland. But when I really have to deal with them I am appalled at their lack of intelligence. It scares the wits out of me to realize how stupid my family is. Although I admire in remote ways certain characteristics and values of these people, that doesn't cause me to want to have them in my life. I do not want to play a substantive role in their lives either. So play the role of son, grandson, and nephew from long distance and connect to their real life only under duress. So tonight my mother sits in her double-wide trailer in Mississippi and wonders if her faggot son got his Christmas. I would call her and thank her, but she's probably drunk by now.

So ate fudge and drank white wine and had Chinese carryout for dinner and watched television until both of us fell asleep. Then he left for Boots and Saddles and I pulled my Futon out and went to sleep watching television.

Today, I walked to Allan's apartment. His friend Joe was just getting there as I arrived. Beautiful day. Not too cold. Good to be out walking and New York shined like a jewel. Allan I bought an ounce of grass from Joe and split it. Joe and I sat at the table and had coffee (actually he had tea) and he told us all about his plan to go into business for himself. With friends, he is planning on opening a messenger service. Then Allan and I took the subway to Times Square and met Diane at Leowe's theater and saw Altered States. I loved the movie. Afterward, Times Square was grey and neon and rushed with crowds of people. New York, I love you. We had coffee at Howard's and then Diane went home and Allan and I came downtown and went to Boots. I had two sodas with a twist (my diet cocktail-- I chug them) and decided I couldn't stand just standing around the bar. So I left Allan there and went to Sloanes, my favorite grocery store. At home, I had my broiled chicken and salad and drank diet soda and smoked dope and tried not to think of the fudge in the refrigerator. John called late last night and made a date with me for tonight. By 8:30 I knew I had been stood up and was relieved to know it.

answer all of them

answers under the cut! only doing this cause im that bored

200: My crush’s name is: no one 199: I was born in: 1996198: I am really: bored197: My cellphone company is: wtf who cares?? 196: My eye color is: green/blue 195: My shoe size is: 6.5194: My ring size is: idk small 193: My height is: smol 192: I am allergic to: cats and all of nature in the spring and summer 191: My 1st car was: an hhr or as i liked to call it a poor mans hearse190: My 1st job was: an in home care taker aka i cleaned elderly peoples homes189: Last book you read: god i dont read188: My bed is: my best friend 187: My pet: is the loml 186: My best friend: she lives too far away tbh 185: My favorite shampoo is: i use old spice 2-in-1 like the basic bitch i am184: Xbox or ps3: ps3??? what year is it the switch is where its mfkin at 183: Piggy banks are: dope af 182: In my pockets: nothing cause im a broke bitch 181: On my calendar: nothing cause im a boring bitch 180: Marriage is: cool good on everyone who is married to their best friends 179: Spongebob can: new spongebob can die cause its garbage 178: My mom: is the best 177: The last three songs I bought were? who buys songs? 176: Last YouTube video watched: air crash investigations (dont ask) 175: How many cousins do you have? idk 174: Do you have any siblings? one sister 173: Are your parents divorced? nah 172: Are you taller than your mom? nah 171: Do you play an instrument? i used to play the violin and guitar but not anymore 170: What did you do yesterday? tried not to die [ I Believe In ]169: Love at first sight: idk maybe? 168: Luck: sure 167: Fate: yeah sure 166: Yourself: hahahahahahahahahahahahaha no 165: Aliens: fuck yeah 164: Heaven: ehhh no 163: Hell: no 162: God: not really 161: Horoscopes: lowkey160: Soul mates: every one has one 159: Ghosts: kind of 158: Gay Marriage: nah why would gays want to get married 157: War: war is p stupid 156: Orbs: wtf is an orb??155: Magic: no [ This or That ]154: Hugs or Kisses: kisses 153: Drunk or High: drunk 152: Phone or Online: online 151: Red heads or Black haired: black 150: Blondes or Brunettes: brunettes 149: Hot or cold: cold 148: Summer or winter: winter 147: Autumn or Spring: autumn 146: Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla 145: Night or Day: night 144: Oranges or Apples: apples 143: Curly or Straight hair: curly 142: McDonalds or Burger King: mcdonalds 141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: this is dark chocolate erasure and i will not stand for it 140: Mac or PC: mac 139: Flip flops or high heals: neither both are garbage for the feet 138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: im already sweet and poor sooooo137: Coke or Pepsi: where is my dr. pepper representation 136: Hillary or Obama: obama 135: Burried or cremated: cremated id like to go out in a burnin glory even if im already dead 134: Singing or Dancing: singing 133: Coach or Chanel: neither 132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: who are you people 131: Small town or Big city: big city 130: Wal-Mart or Target: im a lesbian so target obviously 129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: neither 128: Manicure or Pedicure: pedicure only cause they message my feet and legs 127: East Coast or West Coast: west coast 126: Your Birthday or Christmas: xmas cause snow 125: Chocolate or Flowers: chocolate 124: Disney or Six Flags: disney 123: Yankees or Red Sox: neither who cares about baseball [ Here’s What I Think About ]122: War: men bein garbage 121: George Bush: why? 120: Gay Marriage: hell yeah we got it 119: The presidential election: we might as well have elected a crackhead 118: Abortion: let women get them safely so they dont fucking die its that simple117: MySpace: jesus is it 2006 again 116: Reality TV: its trashy but ill watch it cause im trash 115: Parents: love your parents kids (unless they are abusive) 114: Back stabbers: are awful just like maybe dont stab people in the back literally and metaphorically 113: Ebay: ive literally never used ebay in my life 112: Facebook: its p garbage i barely ever use it 111: Work: capitalism has killed workers and quality work 110: My Neighbors: they are there 109: Gas Prices: i havent gotten gas in like 2 months so like idk 108: Designer Clothes: why are they all like so ugly??107: College: stressful and only vaguely worth something 106: Sports: fun to play but boring to watch. i only go to sporting events for the alcohol 105: My family: is v dope and i love them 104: The future: stressful and i hate thinking about it [ Last time I ]103: Hugged someone: last night it was my dad 102: Last time you ate: last night lol 101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: probably back in december with my best friend 100: Cried in front of someone: oooof all the time 99: Went to a movie theater: like 2 wks ago 98: Took a vacation: january i went on a cruise 97: Swam in a pool: last summer i think 96: Changed a diaper: uhhh never…. 95: Got my nails done: god way back in high school when i thought i was straight 94: Went to a wedding: last friday! 93: Broke a bone: 3 wks ago haha 92: Got a peircing: i havent gotten a piercing since i was like 6 91: Broke the law: uhhh i plead the fifth 90: Texted: i texted my mom like 40 mins ago [ MISC ]89: Who makes you laugh the most: myself 88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my dog shes so cute 87: The last movie I saw: spiderman into the spiderverse 86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: a vacation to see my aunt in indiana 85: The thing im not looking forward to: going back to school 84: People call me: uhhh my name? 83: The most difficult thing to do is: rn? pretty much everything 82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: never 81: My zodiac sign is: im a leo 80: The first person i talked to today was: my mom 79: First time you had a crush: first time i remember was freshman yr of college 78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: my mom 77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: i dont remember 76: Right now I am talking to: nobody im a lonely bitch 75: What are you going to do when you grow up: hopefully something to do with neuropsychology 74: I have/will get a job: 73: Tomorrow: wtf does this even mean 72: Today: or this one 71: Next Summer: and this one 70: Next Weekend: and even this one 69: I have these pets: a golden retriever mix 68: The worst sound in the world: 67: The person that makes me cry the most is: hahaha myself 66: People that make you happy: my family and friends 65: Last time I cried: yesterday 64: My friends are: amazing wonderful people that i love 63: My computer is: my lifeline 62: My School: is small but good 61: My Car: is a lesbian wagon that looks like i live in it 60: I lose all respect for people who: cheat on their s/o 59: The movie I cried at was: i dont usually cry during movies 58: Your hair color is: confusing kind of blonde also kind of brown 57: TV shows you watch: she ra, killing eve, grey anatomy too many others to list 56: Favorite web site: youtube 55: Your dream vacation: to go to germany 54: The worst pain I was ever in was: idk maybe my post surgery foot pain 53: How do you like your steak cooked: medium rare the only way a steak should be eaten 52: My room is: always a disaster 51: My favorite celebrity is: taylor swift 50: Where would you like to be: idk 49: Do you want children: noooo 48: Ever been in love: yes i have 47: Who’s your best friend: we aint naming names on here 46: More guy friends or girl friends: girl friends45: One thing that makes you feel great is: playing with my dog 44: One person that you wish you could see right now: A43: Do you have a 5 year plan: god no i dont even have a 5 hour plan 42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: nah 41: Have you pre-named your children: nope40: Last person I got mad at: myself39: I would like to move to: somewhere other than where i am now 38: I wish I was a professional: at being not depressed [ My Favorites ]37: Candy: bottle caps or ritter sports 36: Vehicle: subaru wrx hatchbacks with a wide body kit are b nice 35: President: who tf has a favorite president 34: State visited: oregon or washington 33: Cellphone provider: who has a fave cell provider???32: Athlete: none31: Actor: idk like chris pratt or something 30: Actress: rn jodie comer 29: Singer: hayley williams 28: Band: paramore 27: Clothing store: h&m 26: Grocery store: target 25: TV show: law and order svu 24: Movie: princess mononoke 23: Website: youtube 22: Animal: red panda 21: Theme park: disneyland 20: Holiday: halloween 19: Sport to watch: none they are all hella boring 18: Sport to play: softball 17: Magazine: none i dont read 16: Book: i dont read books cant concentrate for that long 15: Day of the week: idk saturday 14: Beach: ive been to a beach like 3 times and i barely remember them 13: Concert attended: paramore after laughter concert last summer 12: Thing to cook: cooking stresses me the fuck out so i dont have a favorite thing to cook 11: Food: pasta!! 10: Restaurant: uhhh i dont really have one 9: Radio station: its 2019 who listens to the radio 8: Yankee candle scent: i dont really use candles 7: Perfume: i dont wear perfume 6: Flower: peach roses probably 5: Color: red 4: Talk show host: i dont watch talk shows they are all boring 3: Comedian: john mulaney or iliza schlesinger 2: Dog breed: corgi 1: Did you answer all these truthfully? hahahahaha

Cold Shower (BH6 Fanfic)

Cold Shower

The pungent reek of smoke remained on his skin, mixed in with the stench of salty wetness and general uncleanness. It had been days since his last shower, and Tadashi Hamada was ready to draw the line and give up, though a desire to keep pushing forward was the one and only thing that actually motivated him to continue.

A moonlit starry sky would usually bring Tadashi comfort as he would often look up towards the Heavens and dream of something better, perhaps in a sense it also made him feel at peace with himself. But not tonight, if anything it only made him feel more depressed than he was already feeling; his once tough heart was beginning to shatter like the little shards of glass that pierced it.

I didn't think this would ever happen to me. I guess life is full of misadventures, huh?

The entire neighbourhood was sprayed with the scent of a fight, the smell of unfaithfulness between two intimates and the constant barking, howling (almost crying) of dogs filled the air, making Tadashi want to heave. Instead he rubbed his coat covered arms, a chilled yet quiet 'brrr!' sounding from the eighteen year old male whilst he walked, gaining stares from the neighbourhood's residents but paying no mind to them; he didn't care what others thought of him.

He was dirty, starving and sleep deprived, so all he wanted as of right now was to just find somewhere safe to stay for the night and hopefully he would be back on his feet by morning.

Night time felt like an eternity, at least to Tadashi.

The tough surface of a wall would have been uncomfortable in normal circumstances, but not to him. No, Tadashi could only find it within himself to feel relief when he was able to sit down on the cold, hard ground. Sighing, he took off his fedora and ran his hand through his greasy hair, knowing it was in desperate need of a wash. How he'd love a good bubble bath right about now, with soapy suds cleansing his skin.

"What am I doing?" he asked himself, knowing well he would not get any kind of response from anyone. "I...I should have just gone home, at least I would be safe there. Right now, I can't help but feel like everybody in this place is watching my every move. I've gotta be careful."

Leaning his head back, he caught the moment to stare directly at the Heavens, the moonlight paling his skin and serenity overcoming him as he transported himself into his own world, hoping to find somewhere better than this dump.

The tickling wind almost seemed gentle now, not harsh or angry at the fact an intruder had wandered into the fairly unknown part of San Fransokyo. It was as if said force was greeting Tadashi, welcoming him into its territory with open arms...unless it was the tiredness that was kicking it, perhaps that could have explained the sense of tranquillity.

Aspen Murdock, a fairly small girl of eighteen, held plastic bags in each hand as she strolled on the sidewalk, the contents of each carrier causing the material to dig slightly into her unusually pale skin, though said young adult didn't mind it- she was rather used to the pressure.

"I sure hope this'll be enough for tomorrow's dinner, I really wanna make the new place feel like home." she said, something within the corner of her bluish grey (more so grey) eyes making her stop in place. "I wonder what that could be..."

Turning to walk forward, Aspen cautiously took the first few steps to her new discovery, calling out to see if she had found a person rather than a pile of trash in black liners. "Hello? Is someone there?"

Tadashi was brought out of his calm state as soon as he heard Aspen's sweet sounding Texas accent, the type of voice that would come across as being annoying to some and straight up hot to others. He however, didn't find it to be either grating or attractive; all he could hear was a gentle woman asking him if he was okay. Quickly putting his hat back on his head, he took a place of hiding behind a bag of garbage, hoping he wouldn't be seen.

"You don' have to be afraid, whoever you are," Aspen said, unbeknownst that her sweetness had softly touched Tadashi's heart, being it was the first time he had been shown any kindness in a while. "I won't hurt hurt ya. Come on out so I can get a better look at you. You poor thing, ya must be freezing like a flower in Alaska because of this darn cold weather."

Slowly, Tadashi built up his courage and got to his feet, grimacing at the pins and needles in his legs because he hadn't had much rest over the past few days. Aspen placed her groceries down, brushing her hair back so that it wasn't in the way.

"Guess you're not much of a talker, huh?" she took a few steps closer, her expression immediately changing upon seeing Tadashi's full form. "You're...homeless?"

Tadashi, for one reason to another, couldn't find it within himself to speak, the back of his throat throbbing and the uprising of remaining ash caused him to put his hand over his mouth as he coughed, shocked at the sight of burgundy pooling in a small crack in the ground as it lightly seeped within the gaps in his leather gloves.

Is that...blood?

"You're not in good shape at all, how long have you been out here?" Aspen asked, equally as surprised to see blood being brought up rather than mucus of a traditional cough and cold, but even she could see it was more than a winter illness. "Please, come with me so I can help you, I couldn't bear it if I left you out here all alone."

Tadashi didn't know whether or not taking this mystery woman's offer was a good idea, he'd asked (pleaded even) for help and nobody gave him a second thought, tossing him to the side like he was nothing but an out of date newspaper ready to throw away. He supposed that was all he was, old news that needed to be trampled on in order to get rid of it.

Who knew the world could be so cruel? How could he have not seen it before?

I can't be a naive little kid anymore...

"You don' have to let me help you if ya don' want me to, but don' ya think it'd be nice to have a nice hot shower, clean clothes and warm food?" Aspen said, hoping Tadashi would make the right choice and allow her to help him in getting better. "I can see you haven't eaten in a while, which is why I want to help. My name's Aspen, Aspen Murdock."

Aspen Murdock...Aspen...a pretty name for a pretty girl. She seems so kind and trustworthy, and she doesn't talk or act like all of those other people. Maybe this is it for me, maybe I was meant to meet her...

Making his final decision, Tadashi extended his arm forward and both he and Aspen shook hands, it was nice to get the formalities out of the way, though there was something missing.

"Can you tell me your name, mister? I might be able to contact friends or family for you, I think they'd be happy to know that you're okay. Unless you don't want me to, I understand if you don't want them to get involved."

Tadashi shook his head, with Aspen nodding in understanding.

"Right, of course. Well, you can tell me your name later if you're not comfortable talking now. We can sort things out at my place, it's just up ahead."

Aspen went to pick up her bags, but was pleasantly taken aback as Tadashi got them for her, giving her a smile behind his concealing look of dark lensed glasses and a red scarf softly ringed around his neck. She thanked him for his polite act, buttoning up her coat when she felt that the atmosphere had begun to grow colder.

"Not just a homeless guy, but a gentleman too. You don't see that every day."

Tadashi had a feeling that he was going to like Aspen, she was unlike anyone he had ever met before, in a way she reminded him of Honey Lemon, with her sense of feminine yet casual fashion and the way she had her locks styled and presented. Her skin was light, but well taken care of at the same time. It was odd, but an interesting kind of odd.

"When summer arrives, I hope I can get a tan. I'm tired of looking like a snowman." Aspen said, her choice of words confusing Tadashi.

Snowman? Surely nobody else thinks that, do they? I haven't even known this girl for five minutes and even I can tell she's beautiful, there's definitely something about her, something wonderful.

****

"Sorry if they're not your kind of thing, dude, there were the only clothes I could find that would fit you."

Zachary "Zach" Evans, originally from California (though born and raised in Florida until he was three) handed Tadashi a folded set of clothes, the Hamada giving a thankful nod before taking them into the bathroom, hanging them up as he took of his dirtied items of clothing and put them into the woven wash basket, stepping into the shower and turning the metal faucet to the coldest setting, briefly gasping as the water came into contact with his skin. All he did was stand there, pressing his arms against the glass and staring at his feet. Salty, burning tears ran down his face along with the water, sobs each different in tone hitching from his dry lips.

I'm so sorry, everyone...

Wow! It sure feels great to be writing for BH6 again, i’m so glad i’m back to writing these! I have more ideas now which means you will be seeing more of these in the future. Thanks for reading!

1-200

Wow this is a lot but okay200: My crush’s name is: Bernie Sanders
199: I was born in: 1999? Is this what this is asking 
198: I am really: gay
197: My cellphone company is: AT&T
196: My eye color is: green 
195: My shoe size is: 7.5 
194: My ring size is: I forgot. Something small
193: My height is: 5'3"
192: I am allergic to: bullshit and republicans. Other than that, nothing 
191: My 1st car was: a 2000 chevy cavalier. It was red and I loved it except it was a piece of shit 
190: My 1st job was: OfficeMax 
189: Last book you read: Why Does The World Exist? By some guy
188: My bed is: soft and filled with dogs and orange and great
187: My pet: I have prim, my soul mate and axel, a sweet dummy. I also have fish named Rex and Rocko and a snake named Jasper
186: My best friend: is amazing and great and I miss her
185: My favorite shampoo is: my recent favorite is the tea tree shampoo but I colored my hair recently and had to witch to shampoo safe for that 
184: Xbox or ps3: Xbox but I don't play either enough to really care
183: Piggy banks are: pretty nice. This reminds me of the time my house got robbed and the police took my piggy bank for prints and promised they would give it back but never did 
182: In my pockets: my wallet and chopstick 
181: On my calendar: a lot. This is a busy month. But Colorado soon :)
180: Marriage is: I wouldn't know 
179: Spongebob can: okay spongebob is the shit
178: My mom: isn't perfect but is great 
177: The last three songs I bought were? I don't know about individual songs but the other day I got tired of the radio and bought a bunch of CDs for my car
176: Last YouTube video watched: I don't know exactly but I've been watching a lot of John Oliver videos 
175: How many cousins do you have? Too may to count 
174: Do you have any siblings? I have 3ish stepsiblings 
173: Are your parents divorced? Yes since I was 4
172: Are you taller than your mom? I wish 
171: Do you play an instrument? I kinda sorta used to but no
170: What did you do yesterday? I don't remember? I think I worked?[ I Believe In ]
169: Love at first sight: maybe a little 
168: Luck: sometimes 
167: Fate: no 
166: Yourself: nope
165: Aliens: hell yeah
164: Heaven: no 
163: Hell: no 
162: God: I actually very strongly don't believe in god 
161: Horoscopes: no 
160: Soul mates: maybe 
159: Ghosts: not entirely sure but probably not 
158: Gay Marriage: fuck yeah 
157: War: depends on the situation 
156: Orbs: what
155: Magic: why[ This or That ]
154: Hugs or Kisses: both? Depends on my mood 
153: Drunk or High: high 
152: Phone or Online: online 
151: Red heads or Black haired: black hair 
150: Blondes or Brunettes: brunettes
149: Hot or cold: cold
148: Summer or winter: winter
147: Autumn or Spring: spring!!
146: Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla 
145: Night or Day: night
144: Oranges or Apples: apples
143: Curly or Straight hair: straight 
142: McDonalds or Burger King: McDonalds
141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: milk chocolate 
140: Mac or PC: Pc
139: Flip flops or high heals: flip flops
138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor:
 Stop attach a persons value to their economic status/ wealth :) 137: Coke or Pepsi: neither 
136: Hillary or Obama: Obama 😍
135: Burried or cremated: I want my body donated for organs and/or science. Although I like having just a spot so maybe just a tombstone 
134: Singing or Dancing: singing 
133: Coach or Chanel: ew
132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: who
131: Small town or Big city: big city for sure
130: Wal-Mart or Target: target 
129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: I don't even care 
128: Manicure or Pedicure: pedicure?
127: East Coast or West Coast: west coast
126: Your Birthday or Christmas: birthday
125: Chocolate or Flowers: bothhh
124: Disney or Six Flags: Disney
123: Yankees or Red Sox: I don't sport[ Here’s What I Think About ]
122: War: depends on the situation 
121: George Bush: no 
120: Gay Marriage: always
119: The presidential election: it was awful, vile, and disgusting. The results were bullshit because fuck the electoral college but also it made me lose faith in humanity 
118: Abortion: it's always the persons choice what to do with their body
117: MySpace: never had one
116: Reality TV: it's stupid 
115: Parents: they exist
114: Back stabbers: I think we can all agree they're trash
113: Ebay: I'm indifferent 
112: Facebook: its gotten annoying lately but it's a necessary evil
111: Work: I like getting paid 
110: My Neighbors: they're okay for neighbors. I feel bad that our dog barks at them all the time. 
109: Gas Prices: they're high but whatever 
108: Designer Clothes: you do you im too broke 
107: College: it's gonna put me in debt forever but I'm excited 
106: Sports: I don't understand the interest but whatever 
105: My family: they're okay
104: The future: we are all gonna die [ Last time I ]
103: Hugged someone: tidy my teacher hugged me because she was happy to see me 
102: Last time you ate: I had pizza like 5 hours ago
101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: I saw a friend two days ago I haven't seen in a while
100: Cried in front of someone: I don't remember exactly 
99: Went to a movie theater: it's been too long 
98: Took a vacation: since a year ago
97: Swam in a pool: about a year ago. Well, swim isn't necessarily the word because guess who can't do that. I just chill in the water 
96: Changed a diaper: gosh it's been some time. A year or more?
95: Got my nails done: a lot of years ago
94: Went to a wedding: a year ago was my moms wedding 
93: Broke a bone: never 
92: Got a peircing: my nose about 2 years ago 
91: Broke the law: technically I am now 
90: Texted: now[ MISC ]
89: Who makes you laugh the most: I don't laugh much
88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my dogs
87: The last movie I saw: some horror movie with my mom 
86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: leaving this town
85: The thing im not looking forward to: so much 
84: People call me: I don't really have a nickname
83: The most difficult thing to do is: go through major depression 
82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: I've had 2
81: My zodiac sign is: Taurus
80: The first person i talked to today was: my mom 
79: First time you had a crush: technically my first was a ginger in kindergarten but my first real one was in middle school 
78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: prim 😂
77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: yesterday! I remember that part but not who it was or what it was
76: Right now I am talking to: a group chat and 2 other people 
75: What are you going to do when you grow up: not entirely sure yet but I want to be a trauma surgeon 
74: I have/will get a job: yes? I'm not sure what this is asking 
73: Tomorrow: I have school and class in the evening 
72: Today: I was at school 
71: Next Summer: hopefully I'll be doing something fun 
70: Next Weekend: next weekend is surprisingly kinda free 
69: I have these pets: I answered this 
68: The worst sound in the world: someone saying goodbye 
67: The person that makes me cry the most is: myself 
66: People that make you happy: my friends I don't know 
65: Last time I cried: earlier today 
64: My friends are: great 
63: My computer is: falling apart. I need a new one but still broke 
62: My School: is actually garbage and I can't wait to leave 
61: My Car: is much nicer that my old one 
60: I lose all respect for people who: physically, sexually, or emotionally abuse people, are racist, homophobic, transphobic, etc. support Trump, actually there's a lot I don't respect many people 
59: The movie I cried at was: okay I used to always cry at the notebook it was horrible 
58: Your hair color is: red now 
57: TV shows you watch: lately shameless but all time fav is greys anatomy. Also watch a lot of criminal minds 
56: Favorite web site: google.com 
55: Your dream vacation: Traveling all over the world. I want to be in the south of France again 
54: The worst pain I was ever in was: when my heart broke 
53: How do you like your steak cooked: medium well 
52: My room is: pretty chill. Representative of me 
51: My favorite celebrity is: Demi Lovato 
50: Where would you like to be: anywhere but here 
49: Do you want children: maybe possibly
48: Ever been in love: yup
47: Who’s your best friend: gabby 
46: More guy friends or girl friends: girls I guess
45: One thing that makes you feel great is: drugs 
44: One person that you wish you could see right now: nobody 
43: Do you have a 5 year plan: haha I barley have a 5 minute plan 
42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: sort of. Just traveling 
41: Have you pre-named your children: yes
40: Last person I got mad at: Ryan 
39: I would like to move to: California 
38: I wish I was a professional: everything [ My Favorites ]
37: Candy: Reese's 
36: Vehicle: camaro 
35: President: Obama 
34: State visited: New York 
33: Cellphone provider: I don't care 
32: Athlete: really don't care 
31: Actor: probably Leonardo DiCaprio 
30: Actress: Not sure. Drew Barrymore maybe? Maybe Sandra bullock 
29: Singer: Demi Lovato 
28: Band: Nirvana 
27: Clothing store: everything here and there 
26: Grocery store: HyVee
25: TV show: Greys Anatomy
24: Movie: 21 Days 
23: Website: Tumblr
22: Animal: Penguin?
21: Theme park: don't know 
20: Holiday: Fourth of July, not for the patriotism but the blowing stuff up 
19: Sport to watch: basketball
18: Sport to play: basketball
17: Magazine: not sure 
16: Book: Impulse by Ellen Hopkins 
15: Day of the week: Saturday 
14: Beach: beach in saint marie de la mer
13: Concert attended: Demi Lovato 
12: Thing to cook: pasta
11: Food: Italian 
10: Restaurant: Olive Garden or IHOP 
9: Radio station: 96.5 the buzz 
8: Yankee candle scent: I like ocean scents 
7: Perfume: stuff I got in France 
6: Flower: who even knows 
5: Color: orange 
4: Talk show host: Ellen 
3: Comedian: not really sure 
2: Dog breed: Doberman 
1: Did you answer all these truthfully? Yes