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#welp if i get a fever ill know for sure
give-soup-please · 2 years
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Welp, we have seen the reader take care of sick Narrator but what about the opposite? Can we get some headcanons about the Narrator trying to take care of a sick reader? (I like the kinda of troupe were a non human tries to take care of a human!)
Narrator trying to take care of a sick reader
When you start registering symptoms, the narrator isn’t worried. Sure, he may not know what to do when someone he cares about is sick, and sure, he’s never been around you while you’ve been ill before, but how hard could it be?
He wonders how many blankets are appropriate for a fever. Surely eight will do. You’re pinned to the bed by the combined weight, sweating furiously. Hmm. Perhaps he needs to rethink this. 
He knows that humans need liquids to survive. The exact amount is harder to work out. You’re horrified when he carts in several 5-gallon jugs full of water. He expects you to drink them all in an hour. It takes a while for him to understand that it’s physically impossible for you to drink that much.
He tries to heat up soup but is burned repeatedly by the stove. How do humans manage all of this?
There are some things that the narrator does know how to do right, like getting you to take medicine. He quadruple checks that the dose has been measured out properly, knowing that if he messes this up, the consequences could be dire.
But more than measuring out doses, no one can convince you to take your medication like he can. His range, as we all know, is beyond comparison. He’s extremely coaxing, and very patient. Try as you might, you’re not going to be able to pull him off script. You will take whatever it is. Antibiotics, cough syrup, pain killers, he can persuade you to take it. 
“Reader, I must insist that you take this. Here’s a glass of water to wash it down with. Now, really~ how can you expect to get better if you don’t take your medicine?”
He’ll keep amping it up until you do as you’re told, even in ridiculous ways.
“Now listen, I know you don’t want to take this, though I don’t quite understand why. But I’ll hold it out to you until you choose to help yourself feel well again. Please, take as much time as you need.”
He’ll hover over you, hand outstretched. He is very much prepared to play the waiting game. You can’t outlast him, so don’t even try.
The worse your condition gets, the more he’s going to try and hide his fear. What is he doing wrong? Why aren’t you getting better? You’ll reassure him between coughing fits that it’s the normal course that sickness takes. 
If the narrator isn’t human, he’s not likely to be able to catch human illnesses himself. He’ll stay by your side until you’re better.
He narrates and reads to you as a self-soothing action. His voice is excellent at being soothing, so you’re put to sleep by his waves of narration. 
He’s relieved when you finally start getting better. He recognizes that taking care of others in this way really isn’t his specialty. He’s glad when you’re fully recovered. Of course, if asked, he’ll bluster and say that he thought he did a wonderful job. 
“O-of course my care was more than adequate, that’s why you got better so quickly!”
Poor dude. Let him have this victory. At least he’s learning from this experience, so the next time you get sick, things will be easier for both of you.        
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maria-aegyptiaca · 3 years
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somthing wrong wit me. pray for me bros this pain is horrendous
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How about when SO is sick with fever and refuses to eat anything since their throat hurts.
AKA me rn, sickness is garbage and my parents are forcing me to drink soup
-wisteria
I hope you're feeling better !
Undertale Papyrus - But he made soup for you :( He's doing the puppy eyes, and might actually even whine. You can't say no to that. The second you say "urgh, fine", his expression abruptly changed. He was playing all along. You feel betrayed. However, the soup is nice.
Underswap Papyrus - Fine, he won't force you to eat. However, since you can't move and all, he won't go to work just to hug with you in the bed all day long watching Netflix. Well, for the first five minutes, before he starts snoring, drooling on your head. Yurk.
Underfell Sans - It's stressing him out. He doesn't like to see S/O like this. He's entering and leaving your room to make sure you're not dead and spoonfeed you if you can't eat. Also, he's calling Edge every 10 minutes to ask how to do laundry or the dishes because, man, it's hard !
Underfell Papyrus - He's doing the plane with the spoon and asks you to open the hangar to put it in your mouth. So... Edge actually doesn't know how to care for ill people. All his memories are Red doing the airplane with the spoon to help him to eat. So he just thought it was something natural to do ??? He's a bit confused about how confused you are about this. Also, seeing that giant grumpy very serious skeleton doing airplane noises with his deep serious voice is hilarious.
Horrortale Sans - Did you hear of how cat's purring can help you heal ? Welp good, because you have a massive skeleton vibrating on you as your petting his back right now. Oak is so happy you are in bed, that's mean he can stay here all day with you. And the thought is making him purring like hell. It's going to be a long day.
Swapfell Papyrus - "illness illness go away". ... Welp. He tried. Then he leaves you here with soup. You don't try to understand what the hell was that.
Dancetale Papyrus - YES ! He can finally build the pillow fort you forbid him to build for two weeks ! He's so exciting ! In ten minutes, your room is invaded with pillows, you didn't even know you had that many.
Farmtale Sans - Oh no. He came back with a potion from his great-great-great-great-grandmother. It's composed of cow poop and vegetables. You immediately tried to say you're feeling better, but there's no escape. You want to cry. He won't leave before you drink it. You promised you'll get revenge one day.
Mafiafell Papyrus - So... Torpedo, just like Edge, has no idea what he's supposed to do. He found scarves and... Just wrapped you in all of them ??? Now he's just sitting at the end of your bed, waiting for you to magically heal or something. And please do it quick, because he's bored.
Error Sans - ... EW, bacterias. He's teleporting in his anti-void. Call him when you burn the house with your viruses please.
Dustale Sans - Uuuuuh... Seeing you like this, it's like his brain can't work anymore. He's worried. So he went to hunt for you. Like rats. A dozen of dead rats. That are now in your bed. And a sock too. It's not your sock. Dune doesn't know either to who belongs the foot in it. Things happened, dude.
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b1ksh88p · 4 years
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Be Mine ⛏
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Plot Plot: You’ve been in a few relationships, unfortunately all ending in tragedy. You had a reputation for being a bad omen. Truly you were a sweet girl but it seemed like every single one of your lovers ended up dead or horrendously disfigured in the long run. This Valentine’s Day your boyfriend decides to jump ship for some blonde crushing the little hope you had left for your love life. In a slightly drunken haze you sneak into the mines for a rant about the cursed corporate holiday and to drown your sorrows in the solitude of the mines. But it seems like you’ve got a listener.
Tags/Warnings: Lots of cursing | Sprinkle of angst | Fluff
The cold air of the abandoned labyrinth did nothing to cool you down as you ventured further into its clutches. To put it lightly you were on fire. Every part of you wanted to tear someone apart. The auburn liquid sloshed around as you clumsily stomped past heaps of forgotten debris. If not for your drunken stupor you would’ve turned back. Everyone knew the horrific tale of the pickaxe cannibal murder. Although you were sure the story was somewhat embellished you’ve heard worse. Poor fuck did what he had to do to survive. Anyone else would’ve done the same, it’s human nature to do anything no matter how gruesome to survive.
“Give a girl a box of cheap chocolates and a fucking bouquet of withering roses and she’s supposed to repay ya by sucking your fucking dick and acting like yer the best thing since sliced bread.” You grumble.
The deeper you go the darker it gets. Stone walls become suffocating and everything looks like the enemy. A fight or flight response may have kicked in but you were in no place to think rationally. When your heel broke you fucking snapped.
“Stupid Roses, fuck ass chocolates, fake relationships for fake people who wouldn’t know love if it fucking stabbed them in the face!” You yell throwing the broken heel piece deep into the darkness. “A corporate holiday with no fucking insignificance! Just a money plot and a excuse to fuck and act like you like that worthless pathetic fuck you’re dating that you like them. When all 364 days you’ve been with em ya fucking loathe them!” You continue on tearing up the damned holiday in partially incoherent babbling until you hear glass break.
Despite your conditions you aren’t stupid. “Fuck is that?” You call out whilst backing up. At first you’re sure it’s a group of horny teenagers but through the gritty lights you see a single foreboding silhouette. This was where you run. Or at least you should’ve. Instead you squint your eyes like some tourist taking in the sights and step forward. “Bud y’know the mines are abandoned cuz of the poor guy who had to eat his friends right?” You call out. “I mean do you if this is your thing I support it but it’s kinda weird since you look exactly like the serial killer guy. Spot on cosplay.” You compliment. The figure doesn’t move. It doesn’t even look like he’s breathing. You feel your hairs start to stand up and goosebumps pepper you skin. It seems your liquid courage was fading.
“Welp I’ll leave you be, don’t wanna bore you with the details of this fucked up holiday.” You let out a wry laugh before turning your back on the figure. You get about 12 good steps in before the stride of death crescendos behind you. Now you were running. Your broken heels doing wonders at making this chase the easiest for your attacker. In the midst of running you take them off and throw them off behind you. Now look you weren’t aiming for the guy but when you heard the hit connect and a surprised grunt you got the feeling you were fucked. Instead of running in a straight line you dip into a little crawl space. Maybe he’d give up and fuck off you. To your horror the man crouches down and starts to crawl his way inside.
Without thinking you take the whiskey bottle and crash it on his head. “Leave me alone I don’t even like this fuckass holiday you fucking weirdo!” You cry. He looks up at you and stops trying to fit.
“Why not.” His voice was eerily calm. As if he weren’t some insane pickaxe murderer but a man.
“Well because it’s stupid and to lovy dovy. And because it feels wrong to celebrate it when such a tragedy had occurred.” You explain. “And...and I got dumped today so there’s that.” You huff.
“...You pity me?”
You shake your head. Words weren’t really your strong point and you didn’t need him thinking you were coddling him or anything. Instead you just stare into the glossy eyeholes with your own praying he’d just fuck off. You practically shit yourself when he continued to scramble through and stand up. You grab a rock and stand ready to knock him upside the head with it only have your wrist harshly grabbed mid throw.
“I don’t want your pity.”
This was it. You were gonna die. And it was gonna be painful and super fucking lame. On your headstone it would say:
“Loser girl no one cares about got dumped on Valentine’s Day...also got murdered lol”
Even though you wanted to sob and cry your eyes out you were way to stubborn to go out pleading and begging. “I was being empathetic you weirdo! We do what we gotta do to survive, and you did just that. You aren’t some crazy murderer. You’re just angry and traumatized and that’s ok!” The grip on your wrist only tightened. “Gah! Th-the system failed you dude. The whole fucking city failed you and still is failing you! You ha-have a right to be mad! I’m not excusing what you’ve done b-but shit I would’ve done the same!” You squeal feeling the blood flow completely cease as he tightened his grip.
Suddenly the pain stopped. You open your eyes and rub your poor wrist hoping the feeling would return. He seemed more docile. It was as if his entire aura had changed. The man sat down on a hunk of rubble, his weapon clenched in his grip. If you didn’t know better you could’ve sworn he was crying. It was a silent sob. Nothing overtly dramatic, kind of how like you’d expect a man who’s rarely cried to cry. It was unnerving. The only man you’ve ever seen cry was your dad and that was when he laughed to hard. This...this was gut wrenching.
This monster that was hellbent on killing you seconds ago was now a sad man huddled up in a corner like a child. You could never feel the pain he’s felt, relive the days of utter darkness and skewed rations. Never could you imagine the gritty taste of human flesh. The depravity one must have for themselves. The survivors guilt. The nightmares he must relive. He kept muttering something about the dark and the how he wasn’t a monster. How he just wanted to see the light again.
“It’s ok.”
You weren’t sure you could touch him so you just sat in front of him. He was still shaken up but the sound of your voice seemed to get through to him. “It’s ok and you’re safe. I’m here. I won’t go anywhere I’d you don’t want me to...” You could bare the cold for a night. You’d rather be frozen to death then brutally murdered.
Both of you sat there for what seemed like ages until he moved. You were on the edge of slumber before seeing a gloved hand slither towards yours. You wanted to move it. Make haste and dip but your body had become heavy. Your eyes seemingly weighed down by stones. Before you knew it he was oddly holding your hand. You saw him looking at you intently. Probably waiting for you to scream or pull away but you stayed put. One hand held up your head whilst the other was his to experience. It had probably been awhile since he’s been so vulnerable so you let him have this. It wasn’t like you had anything else to do tonight but sleep and pray that the hang over didn’t beat your ass in the morning. Before you could fall asleep he pulls you into a really awkward half ass embrace against the cold stained suit. It was far more comfortable than the back straining position you were in a second ago but man this guy was bad at ‘snuggling’. You felt like he was gonna smother you! When he found a comfortable position he rested that stupid ass mask on top of your head with a satisfied grunt before you gave up on protesting and fell asleep. How the hell were you gonna get home
When you wake there’s no cold embraces or odd masked men. Instead you find yourself wrapped in some dusty old quilt at the entrance of the mine. For a moment you think everything that occurred was a mere fever dream. A whiskey fueled hallucination. You scramble to your feet and notice a little note that had fallen from the tattered cloth. The paper, or what you hoped was paper and not dried human skin, had fairly neat handwriting. It was short and morbidly sweet.
Thank you.
There was a part of you that was absolutely mortified. The note solidified your suspicions of what had taken place last night. But the other part of you was strangely elated. You turn to the mine and put your hands to your mouth to amplify your words. “THANKS FOR NOT KILLING ME ILL MAKE IT UP TO YOU!!!!!!” You yell happily before heading back into town. You were pretty sure he didn’t hear you but it calmed you to know that he not only spared you but someone actually appreciated your presence.
This was definitely not your final encounter ⛏
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#⛏
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ayawriter · 4 years
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Sick Day
Summary: Yuu had fallen ill after falling asleep outside the dorms. Jack, Grimm, and the Heartslabyul freshman duo help nurse him back to health.
ALERT: THIS STORY IS WITH A MALE MC. SLIGHT HINTS OF JACK/MC, BUT COULD BE TAKEN AS EITHER PLATONIC OR ROMANTIC.
A shrill bell rang, signaling the end of History class. Yuu groaned, trying to rub the grogginess from his eyes. Usually he’s able to fight off the sleep during Professor Trein’s lecture, but for the past week he had been busy running errands for the Headmaster and had to stay up late to finish some homework. He also couldn’t sleep last night despite his exhaustion, so he decided to stargaze a bit outside, and accidentally fell asleep. He almost gave Grimm a heart attack because of his absence from the bed.
And now, this morning, he woke up outside with a growing headache, and slightly sluggish, but he chalked it up to just a morning thing, plus he slept outside. But as the morning dragged on, it was starting to get harder to focus to the point where even Deuce, Ace, and Grimm noticed how out of it Yuu seemed. The headache got increasingly worse when they got to the cafeteria, and the sight of food made him recoil. 
“You’re not gonna eat anything?” Deuce asked, concerned. 
“Nah, don’t really have an appetite at the moment, but maybe later,” he replied, smiling to stave off the worried glances. “I’m gonna grab some air. I’ll be in the courtyard if you need me.”
With that, the student supervisor left the cafeteria as quickly as possible, despite his entire body feeling like lead. He felt a bit feverish as well. 
‘Welp...I guess it’s official. I’m sick. Hopefully the others haven’t caught it…’ Yuu stifled a groan as the headache became a migraine, leaning against the wall for support. ‘I should grab some medicine and head back to the dorm...I’ll need to write a message for the professors…’ 
Yuu didn’t even register the fall before darkness consumed him.
---
Jack was planning on doing a light jog around the courtyard after he finished his lunch when he spotted the Student Supervisor. While Jack was distant and didn’t really care for others, for some reason, he was drawn to Yuu. And when he noticed him struggling to stand, his nerves were on high alert. He immediately made his way towards him, and caught him just in time before his body hit the hard ground.
“Hey. Hey, Supervisor. Yuu?”
But Yuu was out cold. His breathing was ragged and uneven, his cheeks slightly flushed. Jack didn’t even need to touch his forehead to realize that Yuu’s body temperature was too warm to be healthy. 
“Damn…” He growled, worried. 
Carefully scooping up the smaller male, he rushed to the infirmary. Fortunately, due to it being a lunch break, the amount of students roaming the halls were few. 
“Professor!”
“What’s wrong--Oh my! What happened?”
“He suddenly collapsed in the hallway. Feels like a fever. Felt I should bring him here first before doing anything.”
The professor nodded. “Alright, thank you for bringing him here. I’ll take care of him. For now, why don’t you head back to class. Lunch period is ending soon. I’ll let your professors know the situation.”
“Thank you very much.”
With that, Jack left Yuu in the infirmary. He checked the time, and sighed. He didn’t have time to relax and jog, but at least he got some decent exercise, moving about while carrying another student. He then paused, a light blush creeping onto his cheeks as he realized the way he carried the ill student.
‘Well, it was definitely easier and fast to carry him like that...Why is that so embarrassing all of a sudden? I was just carrying him...Now that I think about it, I wonder if he’s eating right, he’s too skinny and light--Wait, why do I care? He’s just another student. And aside from the incident during the interdorm Magift tournament and that fiasco with the Octavinelle Dorm Head contract, I don’t have a reason to be with him.’
He sighed, ruffling his hair in slight frustration before continuing on his way. It was no use dwelling on it further so he hurried off to class.
---
Classes seemed to drag on longer for some reason Jack couldn’t understand. He never had problems focusing on his classes, not that he’s having any problems now, but his mind kept wandering off to the currently ill prefect. Of course, he’s worried. A fellow student collapsed and now he has one less person to test his skills against. But he realized that wasn't exactly how he viewed Yuu. 
Yuu was someone he surprisingly felt a certain amount of respect for. Despite not having magic, he works hard to keep up in class, and works hard as a Prefect, accepting favors from the Headmaster (like he has a choice), and often facing challenges and troubles created by the dorm heads head-on. He admired his courage and bravery. And he’s surprisingly cunning, if the incident with the Octavinelle dorm head had anything to say (Seriously, even he would find it hard to blackmail Dorm Head Leona Kingscholar). But was that it?
“Mr. Howl, I appreciate your interest in magic history but class is over, you should head back to your dorm before curfew.”
“Ah, yes,” Jack quickly replied, shooting up in his seat and grabbing his things. With a quick apology and goodbye, he bolted out the door. He also made sure to send a quick message to Grimm and the others about Yuu’s condition before heading to the infirmary to pick up the ill prefect.
---
“Yuuuuuu!!!!”
“Prefect!”
“Are you alright?”
The door slammed open as three blurs burst through. With quick reflexes, Jack caught the three troublemakers, checking to make sure Yuu was still asleep before bonking the three over the head lightly.
“Ow…”
“Quiet, you’ll wake him.”
Spade smiled nervously, “Sorry, Jack. We heard he collapsed and rushed over as soon as we could.”
“Hm. Well, that's to be expected,”
Ace rubbed his neck in frustration. “Damn...We were right there with him and we didn’t notice anything...What kind of friends are we?”
Grimm’s ears merely drooped as he landed lightly on Yuu’s chest. 
“Well, it’s no secret you guys are oblivious idiots. I don’t think anyone’d blame you.”
“Hey, we’re not that dumb!” Ace protested.
Jack smirked in response but didn’t say anything, for that was when Yuu awoke.
“Ah…”
The four were by his side in seconds, helping him sit up and asking a bunch of questions. Yuu was starting to get another headache.
“Enough!” Jack’s voice silenced the others before he started giving out instructions, “Give the guy some space. He’s sick with a fever and you guys aren’t helping any by making noise. Deuce, you know how to make porridge and soup and stuff? So you’re on cooking duty with Grimm. Ace, I need you to change out the water and towel.”
“A-alright. Come on, Grimm.” Deuce grabbed the cat-like creature and let for the kitchen. 
“Being told what to do doesn’t sit right with me...but just this once, I guess it’s okay. Since it’s for Yuu.” Ace also set to work, heading to the bathroom sink. 
“Thanks, Jack…”
“Don’t mention it.”
Jack grabbed a vial from his bag and handed it over to the ill patient. 
“Here. It’s medicine from the school doctor.”
“Thanks.”
Ace returned with the bowl and towel, placing it on the bedside table. Jack nodded his thanks and proceeded to dip the towel and place it on the prefect’s forehead after he had laid back down.
Yuu coughed, turning his head slightly to keep away from the other occupants. Slowly, his eyes started to droop. The medicine was kicking in and it was making him a bit drowsy. Ace had left to help out with the chores, leaving Jack as the only other occupant in the room. With a slight blush, the wolf pat Yuu’s head.
“Just sleep. You’ll need the rest if you ever want to be in tip top shape.”
Yu nodded before drifting off. Once Jack had made sure Yuu was asleep, he made his way down to the kitchen where the others had gathered. 
“I’m assuming he’s asleep?” Deuce asked with a knowing smile. A steaming pot of chicken was currently boiling on the stove. 
“Yeah.”
Ace grinned, “Alright, let’s get started!”
Grimm perked up, confused, “Start what?”
Ace rolled his eyes. “Chores!”
“But, you hate doing chores.”
“Shut up, Deuce. I’m not a fan, but...it’s the least we can do for the Student Supervisor. Overwork is no good you know.”
“True…” Deuce laughed. “But I’m surprised. I didn’t think you’d be that considerate.”
“Huh? What’s wrong with me being considerate?”
“Oh nothing…”
Jack watched the two make quips at each other with Grimm egging them on and understood how stressed Yuu must be. It’s like looking after a bunch of toddlers. 
“Okay break it up. You’ll wake up Yuu,” Jack intercepted. “If we’re gonna do this, we’ll do this right.”
Jack proceeded to give orders and break up the work. They each took turns taking care of their ill friend as well. A couple days passed and Yuu’s fever finally broke and soon he was attending classes as he usually would. 
“Thanks everyone, for all your help. Sorry for worrying you.” 
“It’s no problem! It’s what friends do!”
“Jack, you too. Thank you for everything!” 
Jack blushed, embarrassed, but his tail immediately made it obvious of his happiness. 
“Don’t push yourself too much. You’re only human. Rely on us once in a while, yeah?
Yuu froze for a moment, but soon melted into the most beautiful bright smile the guys have ever seen.
“Thank you, everyone!”
From then on, the Freshman Idiot Trio plus Jack had vowed to protect the boy to the end, thus inadvertently starting the Yuu Protection Squad.
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gibberingcultist · 4 years
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The Forgotten Age
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We think we know the history of the Earth, but there are secrets that lie beyond our reckoning and truths that could undo our entire understanding of the universe. When renowned historian Alejandro Vela discovers one of these secrets, the ruins of an ancient and forgotten Aztec city, it sets into motion a plot that could unravel the very fabric of time.
Designers: Matthew Newman Artists: Andreas Adamek, Justin Adams, W. T. Arnold, Borja Pindado Arribas, Cristi Balanescu (cover), + 55 more! Players: 1-4 (best at 3 per BGG). But I would say Arkham Horror LCG is always best at 2 players. Playtime: 60-120 minutes per scenario. BGG Weight: 3.86 / 5 Mechanisms: Action Point Allowance System, Cooperative Play, Deck / Pool Building, Hand Management, Role Playing, Variable Player Powers
I am so far behind schedule on all these Arkham Horror LCG expansions and mythos pack reviews. The Dream-Eaters Cycle was recently released and already FFG has two more Arkham Horror LCG box expansions planned for the near future. The Innsmouth Conspiracy and potentially something called The War of the Outer Gods. We shall see if that second title is accurate or not in due time. Either way I can already see the money draining from my wallet like venom from a serpent’s fangs.
This will actually be my second time playing through The Forgotten Age expansion. The first time was with a party of three and we had no idea what we were getting ourselves into. I found my first overall experience with TFA to be a incredibly frustrating. It was a grueling, torturous journey through the Mexican rain forest. We picked all the wrong supplies for all the wrong characters it seemed.
So after it was all said and done, I was pretty sure that I wasn’t ever going to play this expansion again. But with recently finishing The Circle Undone and not having all the mythos packs for the Dream-Eaters Cycle in my possession, I caved and returned to base camp to go on the expedition all over again. This time with a better idea of what will be needed. Characters with very high agility and well…. blankets. Why didn’t my first expedition group take basic bedding with them?! I’m surprised we even had boots on our feet, we were so unprepared for survival in the outdoors. Hopefully the second time through will be a little smoother.
We think we know the history of the Earth, but there are secrets that lie beyond our reckoning and truths that could undo our entire understanding of the universe. When renowned historian Alejandro Vela discovers one of these secrets, the ruins of an ancient and forgotten Aztec city, it sets into motion a plot that could unravel the very fabric of time.
So as I already mentioned, knowing how important agility is for your investigators; my girlfriend and I selected the two investigators from the The Forgotten Age campaign with the highest agility (feetsies). These two also seemed to have the highest potential for the most bonus actions in a round, which is always a good thing to have in this god-forsaken game. We chose Ursula Downs and Finn Edwards. We can’t help but think that Finn is really just allowing himself to be employed by Ursula to get himself away from some sort of shady business dealings back home. Or to make a hefty profit selling all of our equipment and provisions. Because why else wouldn’t we have blankets?! I swear that stuff is getting stolen from under us.
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“I have had it with these motherfucking snakes in this motherfucking jungle!” The pit vipers aren’t too bad as long as you are as spry and nimble as Ursula and Finn. We were able to stay ahead of the sneks by constantly moving and clearing each location of clues as quickly as possible. The Boa was a bigger concern as he was hunting us through most the scenario. We don’t plan on killing anything with vengeance points. IF we can help it that is. Neither of us really had any weapons readied during this scenario anyway. Just the trench coat on our backs and the track shoes on our feet. We were bouncing all over the jungle like gummy bears hopped up on Ayahuasca juice (is that a thing?).
Once confronted by Ichtaca, Keeper of the Etzli, we really had no choice but to parlay with her. I’m not sure why Alejandro Vela is so opposed to working with the locals (at this point in the game). Sounds like he’s part of the White Savior Industrial Complex. We discovered the Etzli ruins, thanks to Ichtaca and left behind a wake of snakes (very much alive mind you) and watchful Guardians. Rushing exploration and clue gathering was the way to go for this scenario. Very thematic and fun.
In this first scenario, one gets introduced to the exploration deck. Where one could potentially lose his/her movement actions based on what cards are randomly drawn from a small shuffled deck. A deck consisting of a handful of treacheries mixed in with a variety of potentially discoverable locations. I guess I don’t mind the exploration deck mechanic. More times than not, we will unluckily draw all the treachery cards rather quickly. So we take the explore action early knowing full well that we are going to draw treachery cards. After all the treachery cards have been randomly drawn and discarded, THEN we can explore without fear or consequence. And that’s a great feeling.
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Welp. So much for trying to maintain zero vengeance points. Yig’s fury went from 0 to 5 in just one scenario. We were rapidly overwhelmed with serpent humanoids and barely got out of the Etzli temple with the Relic of Ages in hand. It’s almost as if investigators were meant to die/lose this scenario. Ursula suffered a mental trauma after being hounded by Yig’s minions every step of the way. Her treachery card was what did her in though. She was unable to heed the Call of the Unknown after taking such a beating from the treachery filled exploration deck.
We both found this scenario too frustrating. The difficulty ramped up to 11 and we were still ill prepared for such things. None of our weapons were even drawn during this game, so once again we just had to keep moving. Trying our best to stay ahead of the wave of snake creatures. The only reason Finn was able to get out of the temple, after snagging the Relic of Ages, was because he was lucky enough to draw his I’m outta here! card right when he needed it most. There was no way he was going to make it past the 7 or 8 monsters in his linear path. This relic better be worth it.
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….Aaand it’s gone. We lost the relic. Or Harlan did. Whoever the fuck he is. We chose to keep the relic safe by giving it to some rando in passing. Then we are shocked when the supposedly trusty vagabond up and leaves town. Great.
Threads of Fate was another rather frustrating scenario with a ungodly amount of enemies. The moment we were able to eliminate just one of the Haunting Nightgaunts terrorizing us, we would advance the agenda deck, reshuffle the discard pile, only to draw the very same Haunting Nightguant! GAH! These guys are tough as well, 4HP, running away from them is hard due to doubling the negative modifiers. Terrifying creatures.
It was neat that there were multiple Acts or multiple storylines (threads) to follow and investigate. We were only able to fully complete one of the three but at least the scenario still rewarded us for making an attempt at the others. In that you receive some bonus experience points for just getting past Act 1 of each deck. Alejandro Vela was rescued and now resides in one of our decks. I would have preferred to have the Relic but circumstances prevented us from making it so.
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Wait, it was all a dream?! But I consumed actual gas in driving to this fever dream. I want my gas supply point back. The Boundary Beyond would be strike 3 for us. Another overly frustrating scenario with too many monsters and a damn near impossible end goal. We were suppose to lose weren’t we? Considering we only managed to get 3 out of the 6 locations explored correctly, and then wiped of clues before being overwhelmed by enemies. The added penalties for exploring was very rough and we felt it… hard. Like for instance, one location forced you to take a physical damage to take the explore action. Which inevitably resulted in drawing a treachery card, making the damage you received to draw the treachery even more painful. So consume another precious action, take another physical damage, and try your luck again!
The Harbinger of Valusia once again made his appearance known. A damn near impossible enemy to combat while also trying to achieve your necessary win condition. With Alert and Retaliate active even when exhausted, the Harbinger is going to just decimate anyone interested in doing any amount of damage to him. Especially book nerds like us. We were able to inflict 2 damage on him though before getting TKO’ed. 2 damage out of his 20hp! I feel like we should be further down on his health track. Ugh.
During set-up, players are instructed to set aside the Agenda 3 and Act 3 cards. I imagine this is to mislead the players about the intended length of the scenario? And well… it worked! During what we thought was our very last turn (before the agenda would advance), we both made some hail mary plays to try and acquire as many clues/locations as possible before ending the scenario. Only to find out, the scenario wasn’t over. By the time we realized we had more rounds at our disposal, we were either already eliminated or stuck in some impossible situation. I can see that designers are looking to subvert players expectations in whatever means possible, but this ended up just frustrating my girlfriend to the point that she considered quitting the campaign all together. She is calling AH-LCG an abusive relationship. Wondering why we keep going back to it.
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The Story So Far
Wait. Why are we back in the jungle again?! Let’s recap. Going back a few scenarios, we uncovered information on a secret cabal, called the Brotherhood, who had interests in the Eztli relic (missing!). This Brotherhood also had a great deal of information on Alejandro’s previous expedition into the Mexican rain forest. According to Ichtaca, the Brotherhood is seeking a place called the Nexus of N’kai. OK fine. So without any other bit of information given by Ichtaca, we set off on another expedition back to the relic’s original location. For what I imagine is to seek out additional clues in regards to the power behind the relic.
During our road trip to Mexico City, Alejandro voices his opinion that the documented symbols adorning the relic is not of Mayan or Aztec heritage. Hmm…ok.
We putz around Mexico for a while, eating lots of fish tacos and drinking lots of margaritas (or so I imagine), but doing not much else. A week later, Ichtaca FINALLY decides it’s time perform some sort of cryptic incantation, alone in her room. An event that results in a dream like scenario which gives us some insight. Insight into (Tenochtitlan locations?) a cave that Ichtaca believes is the path that leads to the Nexus. She wants us to go with. Do we have time to grab some Pozole before we go? I think so.
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Part 1
The first half of the Heart of the Elder’s mythos pack seems more of a catch-up scenario. Because we only received insight on 3 of the 6 paths/stone pillars outside the cave, we had to spend some days trying to decode the other 3. The stone pillars are essentially the lock tumblers allowing access to the cave maw.
I find it hard to believe Ichtaca had been running all over this jungle, secretly protecting the relic from outsiders, and never once discovered or learned about this cave. And if she did know of it, why did it take so long for her to explore it? And it she did explore it, why didn’t she know the 6 paths from the start?! Gah!
We did not like this part of the scenario. It felt like another throw away scenario that really wasn’t needed. It took two attempts at it to get the remaining 3 paths. Our first day/attempt resulted in no additional paths and Ursula ended up dying to the snake monsters. On the second day, a replay of the same scenario mind you, we had much better luck in not drawing snake monsters to hound us the entire time. So that helped us focus on clue gathering. The whole idea of playing the same scenario over and over again until you achieve some specific goal, rubs me the wrong way. Repetition in this regard is no fun. We also were annoyed that progressing the Act deck, which is normally a good thing to advance, significantly hampered our overall goal. So on the second day, knowing that it would be detriment to advance the Act deck, we advanced it only when we were ready to take on the additional headache.
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Part II
After we gained access to the cave, we had a good spelunking time getting clues and discovering locations. It’s as if clue gathering is what we excel at. We lucked out on drawing a minimal amount of enemies during the mythos phase. Which helped us deal with everything else thrown at us. We felt like we had plenty of time to achieve the overall objective and we got a heck of a lot of XP from this scenario (both parts 1 and 2). Which makes the sting of part 1 a little less so. Part 2’s flavor text alludes to a Journey to the Center of the Earth type inner world, taking place below ours. Which is kind of neat.
The end of the scenario was a little confusing. Alejandro betrayed us?! He was working in unison or is commanding some sort of alien race to find and gain access to Yoth, cavern of the serpents? Why? I take it Alejandro is a member of the Brotherhood, which would explain why they had information on Alejandro’s expedition. It was information of the inside variety lols. My girlfriend thought the entire campaign was over after reading “It is your last human memory.” So we just died?! Not quite.
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Alejandro was working with scientific, alien creatures? Hah! So we got mind-swapped with a couple Yithians and mentally transported to some unknown location beyond space and time that acts as a mass-information compiler. What are the aliens doing with our physical bodies right now? The other aliens didn’t seem to mind us wandering around their utopian society. That is until we fucked with their experiments. I suppose we would be the real aliens at this point. We had a lot of fun playing this scenario. This would be the first time, in publication order, that your investigator’s card gets swapped out for another scenario specific one. The next instance of this taking place during the prologue of The Circle Undone campaign. Both enjoyable experiences.
We slithered around, doing our best to hold on to our items with our noodly appendages. We did manage to perform all six of the necessary intellectual pursuits before mind-melding back into our original bodies. AKA we were a rightful pains in the ass. 9 xp from this scenario! So that’s very nice. This scenario required a lot of card-play. Mostly we used our cards just for the modifier icons to pass tests. As your Yithian character card allowed for the doubling of icons for one card per test. This coupled with our ever reducing max-hand size, made the end goal of holding 10 cards at once a rather tricky puzzle to figure out. We would not have achieved this goal had it not been for our new pen-pal, the Custodian, and the best room in the house, the Yithian Orrery.
What were we suppose to do with the Out of Body Experience treachery cards? I was never instructed in the setup but I feel like these should have been shuffled into our decks at some point. The backside of the Yithian investigator cards have Do you remember…? in the Deckbuilding Requirements section. So maybe it was a mistake in that these treachery cards should have been included in our decks to start. Not sure. We didn’t utilize them. This will probably be corrected in the Return to.
Now lets see what Alejandro and his alien buds were up to while we took a mental holiday.
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I hear people play this scenario just to see how far down into the depths they can get before they are torn to shreds. We got to level 5 (the bare minimum) and immediately got the hell out of there! One could get a significant amount of XP on this scenario though. If everyone is well suited for fighting monsters and dealing with the ever growing pain that is the chaos bag. We on the other hand are NOT well suited for dealing with monsters. Besides running away from them. Finn Edwards recently purchased a Ornate Bow which has been pretty damn effective at eliminating a bunch of annoying or persistent enemies. Enemies with the Hunter trait mostly. Lets hope the next scenario is more about getting clues and not fighting a Boss of some kind.
The Depths of Yoth is an alright concept for a scenario but just like in a previous scenario (The Heart of the Elders Part 1) you essentially just play the same mini-game multiple times. At least with this scenario, with the reset between floors/levels, the locations are randomized. Your starting location and which locations are available will be slightly different between floors. We quickly learned which icon to look for in order to find the Steps of Yoth (how to progress). And I’m so confused on what’s going on in the over-arching story that we don’t even care anymore. Both Ichtaca and Alejandro have turned on us and want the Relic of Ages for different reasons. Ichtaca, I believe wants to awaken Yoth for some terrible reason. Hopefully it will all make more sense after the next scenario.
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We finished! …thank God/Yig. We did get an above-average ending. Resolution 1 if that does anything for you. We lost the original Relic of Ages so we didn’t get the best ending but we refused the tempting offers from both Ichtaca and Alejandro Vela and went about mending the tear in the fabric of time…ourselves somehow. Luckily for us, The Relic of Ages was rediscovered in A Pocket of Time which I suppose makes sense that we traveled through time and found a earlier/later version of the one we lost. I’m always impressed with the final scenarios of each of the major campaigns. This one was no different. The story seemed to come together. Both Ichtaca (Yig worshiper) and Alejandro (Yithian in disguise) had ulterior motives which is understandable. I liked that we could have sided with either of them to change the world as we know it forever.
We didn’t kill a single enemy this scenario. Besides those EZ-PZ cultists. So we were once again dogged by a myriad of serpent & elite enemies. We were use to though after the sixth or seventh scenario where that happened this campaign. Finn Edwards handled running away from 5 different monster enemies himself, each round for two or three rounds. One free evade, three normal evade actions, and a Leo De Luca evade action. While Ursula Downs worked vigorously at exploring and clearing clues from as many shattered locations as possible. Taking damage and horror when necessary. It worked. I can’t wait to go back to playing some Guardian and Survivor class characters. Or really anyone with dynamite
We don’t officially get to play the bonus, secret mission because we lost the Relic of Ages from our timeline but we will play it anyway just to see what it’s like. Going on the assumption that we didn’t hand a complete stranger one of the most powerful objects in the known universe. So we will play that next and I will report on it here.
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Man, fuck this game. We got devoured by Yig pretty quickly in our attempt to undo our past mistakes. Turn Back Time has a cool concept but this scenario is not designed with pacifists like us in mind. It’s tough! Arm yourself to the teeth before entering the Eztli Ruins again! We didn’t REALLY deserve to unlock this scenario and we are going to continue acting like this scenario never happened. Our own form of time travel.
Now that we are done with this campaign we will play a Return To… or start The Dream-Eaters cycle and hope that our last Mythos pack gets delivered very soon.
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In Summary
Of all the Arkham Horror campaigns that I’ve played, The Forgotten Age is and will remain my least favorite. With that said I was impressed by how many of the scenarios ended up having a decently high personal rating. This tells me that the scenarios themselves aren’t bad but the over-arching story and mechanisms introduced are what leaves a foul malignancy festering in my mind when contemplating The Forgotten Age. Mainly due to the frustrations with the exploration deck, the supply point system (never having what you need), and having to suffer the ridiculous amount of serpent creatures all looking to settle their poisonous fangs into your meaty neck. The Harbinger of Valusia is still out there, slithering around the jungle with a whopping 18 HP! Good luck with that Mexico.
Final Score (Avg)
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princessxtopgun · 4 years
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This is the first chapter from jakes perspective, I hope you enjoy!
This shouldn’t be too bad, just some rich kids going to some island. Ill be back in no time.
I check that everyone’s there, and take off. No point in making in introduction. I put the girl in autopilot and kick my boots up. She’ll land in no time. Probably shouldn’t be wearing down the equipment like this, but who gives a fuck. If this shits got autopilot in it, it can handle some scratches.
“Excuse me, it’s Jake right? Weren’t we supposed to have landed by now...?”
I hear some faint noises, but it’s probably just those kids. They ever learnt how to be nice on a plane?
“Wait, are you asleep?” She yells
“Hrn?” I dart up and yank my boots off the dash.
She gets this weird look on her face, like she’s having some flashback. Thought they didn’t let them have booze here, I’ll have to take a look. But then I see her face. She looks like the most goddamn beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. She has her arms crossed, and you can see she isn’t taking crap from anyone. Things are in slow motion for a sec. Weird.
“Listen, Princess, don’tcha know it’s rude to wake someone who’s takin a nap?”
“Princess?”
“What can I say, I give nicknames to people who annoy me.” I say with a smile. She’s not too annoying, but what’s so bad about a name?
“Well in that case, I’ll call you top gun.” Hey, the nicknames are my thing!
“Fine, call me that. He was a cool dude.”
“Anyway, relax. We ain’t landing til’...” I check the jazz, but it’s all wrong.
“The hell?! That time ain’t right, and that ain’t either...” What happened to this thing? I bang on the instruments a few times, but it’s not doin anything.
“You sure you know what you’re doing?” Well, princess, this normally doesn’t happen, but I know my way around.
“If you knew half the things I survived, you’d bet on me to do any-” Turbulence hits me out of nowhere, and where the fuck is this even coming from? It was sun all around a second ago!
“Aw just great, the storm fronts comin’ in!” Yep Jake, we know.
I lean in and grab the yoke. I Ain’t dyin here.
“Get your ass in a seat, hear? And tell everyone to buckle up!”
“But-” Princess, this is not the time for arguing!
“Now, Princess!” Nobody’s dying today. Not me, not Princess.
Balled lightning? Where’d that shit come from?! I flip the intercom to passengers. I hear screams and crap. Princess is probably with some hot football boyfriend. Why am I thinking about some college drama?! I’m trying not to die!
“This is totally normal!!” Yeah this isn’t normal. You don’t sound normal.
WHERED BALLED LIGHTNING COME FROM?! I haven’t seen that in forever!
BOOM! Sparks start flying, and I don’t mean the sexy kind.
“Welp, engines just lost power! Bringing her down manually! Everyone hold on!” Don’t fuck this up, don’t fuck this up-
Are these kids singing? The fuck? Why are they singing some Hayley Rose song?
I can see clear sky... I’m almost out!
“Just a little farther... I think we’re almost out!”
The Lightning’s at fever pitch, but we make it out in time! Way to go, Jake
I’m flying this thing like a radio glider, but it’s going hella fast
I hear princess and some guy marveling about the view. In case you haven’t noticed, were landing here!
“Get a good look now, cause we’re coming in fast!” Don’t want Princess breaking her ankles.
“Welcome to La Huerta.” Reminds me if Costa Rica, nice tropical place. Wow, didn’t realize it had a massive volcano. Looks like it’s still active too.
“This is La Huerta tail number XC-DMK, requesting emergency priority to land!”
No response. Are you serious, Carlos!
“Carlos! Pick up ya lazy bastard, it’s Jake!”
“Ignoring me won’t make me forget the hundred bucks you owe me! Like it or not, we’re coming in!”
I land the girl down on some dirt airstrip. Not the best, but it is a tropical island. These kids are lucky they’re not dead. Hopefully Princess is ok. Carlos probably set up some fancy waiting area where she can relax. God, why am I thinking about this chick so much? I don’t even know her name!
I pull into the hangar and open the doors.
“Rough landing, Top Gun. Hope you don’t work for tips.” She says with a smile. Jeez, she’s pretty cute. But she would be gonzo if I wasn’t flying!
“You kidding? I’m a damn hero for getting you on the ground!” Eh, she’s never flown before. Anywhere, Carlos is being an asshole.
“Carlos! Carlos, I need a tune-up!” I go to march up to Carlos, but I wait for a minute to hear the gossip. Honestly what am I’m 14? I hear princess talking to that football guy. Sean Gayle I think, I saw a few of his games.
She reaches for her suitcase handle at the same time he does. Sounds like this is a play and they’re going to break into song.
“Oh, sorry!” Captain America says. Then Maybelline struts over and throws her arms around cap. She’s got so much makeup on her face must be an inch bigger. “Ugh, could you be any more desperate?” Sounds like Maybelline is Caps chick. Who knows, maybe she’s the kind to date nerds.
Then Maybelline starts yelling at her, and macho man comes over and is shocked that she doesn’t follow football. Macho, it’s not that big of a deal. Now she’s yelling about her trying to be popular. With those looks? How could she not be the most popular gal there? Wow, she played it cool and said she was gorgeous and must be together. Would not of done that myself, but hey, Princess seems like the smart type. Oh snap! Turns out Maybelline and captain America aren’t together anymore! Anyway, I should go find Carlos.
I get there, and this place is deserted. No sign of anyone. I run back down to the people.
“There’s no one here!” Did they lead me here on some damn chase to get a free flight?
“There should be here in a shuttle to take us up to the main resort but...” Damn, tour guide lady looks pretty nervous.
“I’m sure it’s just a slight delay!” Now she’s at 800% happiness. Nice try, but no one is naturally that happy.
“The hell with that. I’m going up to the control tower to get some answers.”
“What do you think is going on there?” Princess looks worried, reaaal worried.
“No idea... Call it a gut feeling, but whatever it is ain’t good. So princess, you coming?” Please say yes... say yes... Jesus what am I doing? I sound like I’m asking my mom to go to kyles.
Tour lady says some shit about taking everyone to the hotel, but I’m really hoping Princess comes. It doesn’t seem like a good idea to go alone. Ariel decided to go down to the beach, good for her.
“I could go with you-!” Maybelline, this ain’t an open call.
“Wasn’t talking to you, Maybelline.”
“So it’s cool if I join you?” Princess asks. Yep. Definitely yes.
“You gotta ask permission for everything? Come on, Princess.”
“This place is gorgeous. Do you fly out here a lot, Top Gun?” She asks
Here and every other privately owned resort island in the Caribbean. The favored vacation spot of the young and the privileged.” She’s probably in some rich girl sorority, but maybe one of the few that aren’t stuck up and obsessed with themselves.
“You don’t sound like you like it very much.” Well, not everyone’s job is their passion. At least I had a chance to fly.
“Hey, it pays the bar tab.” I try to seem cool, but I probably just sound like an alcoholic. Nice job, Jake. Rebecca would be laughing her ass off if she saw me acting like this.
“So, what did you do before this?” Jesus Princess, you a spy or something? Why do you have to know everything?
“What is this anyway, 20 questions?” Damn I sound angry. God, I’m just going to be the crazy pilot here.
“Sorry.” Don’t sound too sorry t’me, Princess. I should probably learn this girl’s name. We stay silent for a minute, but this girl’s too pretty to be a spy.
“Fighter Pilot. Navy.” Yeah, shouldn’t of said that. Yep, that’s the kind of affect a spy would have on you. Making you just spill everything.
“I was good at it too. Best in my class, until I got discharged.” Jake, don’t tell her why. Just don’t.
“What happened?” Godamnit Princess, you had to ask. Erm, I’ll think of something.
“Punched my commanding officer in the jaw.” Well, that’s partially true at least.
“...I’m sure he deserved it.” Damn right he did, and stop looking so suprised.
“Yeah. He did.”
“I’ve been ferrying around rich folks around the Caribbean and sleeping in a beach hammock in Costa Rica ever since.” Damnit Jake, you gotta tell her where you are now too? What’s next, tell her to turn you in for 750,000 bucks?
“That sounds lonely.”
“Uh, yeah, that’s the appeal.” I force a smile, but she probably sees right through me. Damnit, Princess.
“I mean, I get wanting to get away for a little while, but... don’t you want more?” Nope. Not after Mike. Ain’t so bad watching the sunset with a beer.
“Someone to come home to... someone to listen to you... someone to hold you all through the night...” Shit, Princess. You trying to bring it back? But who knows, maybe she thinks I’m hot. There’s a reason I kept the hair the way it is.
“You offering, Princess?”
“What? No, I... I just meant... in theory...” Alright, time to change the subject. Back to your super interesting past
“In theory, I had been the best pilot the navy had ever seen. In practice... Well you can’t beat a cold beer and a Caribbean sunset.” Yeah, we do t need to talk about practice.
We start climbing the stairs up the control tower, but a step cracks in half under Princess!
“Jake!” I grab her as fast as I can and pull her into my arms. Ain’t losing anyone here.
“Gotcha!” I yell. What is she, a fish?
“I think you just saved my life!” No sweat, Princess. A good princess needs a knight.
“Now you owe me one. Cmon.” A nice cold beer, perhaps?
We get to the top of the tower, and I push open the door. I start to yell,
“Carlos you dumb- Hey, what the...” But there’s no one here.
“There’s no one here,” Wow, i had no idea, Princess.
“Thanks, eagle eyes. I couldn’t tell.”
There’s dust all over the place. Am I at the wrong airport or shit?
“Are you sure they still use this airstrip?”
“Of course I’m sure, I was here a few days ago, And I’m damn sure...” No, this can’t be right... what am I doing? I walk over to the window, and everything is so beautiful, there’s this red and blue light, like a beautiful aura, and maybe I should come here instead of Costa Rica, maybe...
“Jake?” I hear Princess yell. I snap out of it
“Wha...” I know princess, ain’t it beautiful? Almost as beautiful as you. Oh shit, please say I didn’t say that out loud, and yes, I didn’t. I sound like I’m on some shit reality tv show.
Then I feel Princess’ fingers lace with mine. This feels amazing, but what am I doing?
“Jake... What is this?” She says, and all I want to do there is make her feel safe. My god, what am I doing? Jake, snap out of it! This is just some college girl that is going on vacation and she happens to be very, very attractive! But the truth is, I have no idea.
“I... I don’t know.” Then I see her staring into my eyes, and I find hers. They’re this beautiful blue, and these lights make them look even better.I haven’t even realized how close our faces are. I just stand there, shocked of how amazing this girl is. Some girl that I don’t even know what her name is. A girl I’ve just met. But it feels like I’ve known her for a thousand lives.
“Jake, I...”
Everything feels like it’s in slow motion... but all I can focus on is her.
“Hey... It stopped.” Is she talking about my ability to function?
I look down and see that I’m still holding her hand in mine.
“*cough* Uh... sorry.” I drop her hand. Now we have to ignore how amazing and weird and awkward that was.
“Look, it must’ve been something... Weird with the glass here. Who knows. Forget it, just... Come on.” All I can think of is her. But why in the world do I think that was something? That was just a gut instinct, to be protected. I duck out of the room, and me and princess wind our way up the road, silent, and she looks like she’s about to damn pass out, until we see this swanky ass hotel.
“So this is it, huh? Been to this island 50 times, and never been off the airstrip...” Yeah, these kids are definitely privileged.
“The Celestial!” Princess calls out.
“Well, come on then. You paid me to bring you here, so that’s what I’m doing.” We head towards the lobby, going through some fancy marble hallways.
“So, you’ve never stayed here? Are you taking off again after this, or you gonna stick around awhile?” She sounds like she’s begging me to stay, but you know what I’ve gotta do.
“Just gotta get Carlos to get my plane refueled, and I’m off. Got a bottle of anejo calling my name back in Costa Rica.”
“Try not to miss me too much, Princess.” I flash a smile and I probably look like a slug.
We walk in the lobby, and...
“Huh?” Princess says
“What the-” The place is deserted. No one in sight except us.
“I... I don’t understand...” Well lady, you’re the tour guide. You should be tour guiding us.
There’s a half finished wine glass,lipstick still on the rim but coated with dust. That ain’t normal.
“Hey, uh, Ellie... Do you happen to know...” Yeah cap, I think if she knew we’d have answers. And that’s her name, Ellie! Short and sweet.
“Where the hell is everyone?” Cap finishes.
Thank you so much for reading!
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kiwu · 7 years
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working on a sibling swap au. some very poorly written details under cut TLDR version of cut: twins have A fight, one of em is like “well ill just fuckin leave then” n pals around with 2 of the triplets while the other stays with the other twin and they do overlord shit
alright basically it starts out like branching from the idea the twins became overlords of their home planet and the triplets didnt so basically they suck and basically work as the twins servants and the twins get a bit smug about being in power and make them do really stupid irritating shit just to test them
so for some reason the twins are [amicably] separated for the evening and one of the triplets is at home with one of the twins and the twin passes out and the triplet begrudgingly watches over him til he wakes back up
thhen the twins like damn what happened and why the hell u here and the triplets like dude i was making sure you werent dead and the twin is oddly touched by this-- and also he is super out of it, nauseous and has a fever and shit and all around grateful that hes not alone 
like hes actually a bit scared of the triplet bc of their whole history of not getting along well and like thw triplet could take advantage of him bein super sick and shit andlike straight up murder him but nah theyre chill
other twin comes home. immediately throws fit over triplet being there, throwing shit at him demanding he leave, the sick twins like “what the fuck dude hes here by my orders bc hes taking care of me” they fight, triplets like uuuuhhhhhh
the twin that just came home is too mad to be concerned for his sick bro’s well being and just argues and shit. eventually is like “fuck this im out” and leaves. basically lives w/ other two triplets as an “equal”.BAM, SIBLING SWAP.
this is getting long im just gonna make a fanfic out of it instead
important stuff:
-bonding. bonding. -twins trying to teach triplets earth culture- like sushi bars, strawberry frappuccinos, fashion and ikea -twins “triplet” outfit is dumb. it really is. i know. -the triplets all get along ok but fight a lot and dont really care if theyre together or not. basically not a very strong family bond
WELP, EXPECT MORE, i didnt write down 5 pages of headcanon stuff hyped up on painkillers for nothing (fell down the stairs and passed out lmao)
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Chapter 1 of my thing for brofessor andy (tw there's sui and death and shit)
[put under a cut for length, feedback below] [very awesome tho def worth looking at if ur into spoopy shit]
  Same old, same old. I sit down at the desk and get to work, typing up the data collected today. My colleague comes in, “Do you think they’ll ever let us out of here?”
    I nearly rip my hair out. “How many times do I have to tell you? Never. They put us in here and they’ll never let us out for fear of spreading the virus.”
    “Maybe after the war,” he says, shifting from foot to foot.
    “They don’t tell us anything, the war could’ve ended years ago for all we know. And doesn’t it ever bother you?” My words are muffled by the hum of the cleaning robots sliding up the wall, disinfecting as they go. My voice turns to a shout to compensate. “The fact that we’re trapped in here for the rest of our lives. Sometimes the self destruct button is tempting …”
    “You’d use the nuclear place to blow us all up? My son and me are here as well. If you want to off yourself, go ahead. But don’t bring me into it.”
    “Not a bad idea,” I say, heading to the bathroom.
No pills, no rope. Nothing. The building’s too secure, no roof to jump off of. My hand goes to my chin to think, and my stubble triggers an idea. I grab my razor and sit on the edge of the bath tub and close my eyes. I take a deep breath. The scent of disinfectant fills and burns my nostrils. I lift the razor and bring it towards my arm.
    Bang. Bang. Bang.
    It sounds like bombs are going off all around me, even inside my head. Everything fades to black.
    My eyes open and the lights are so bright. The walls are practically made of light. Something hard presses into the back of my head. “If you do not cooperate, you will be shot.” A guy in uniform says. I say nothing. “Are you aware of what your research is being used for?”
    “No.”
    “What were you doing when we bombed the lab?”
    “About to kill myself.”
    “Why?”
    “They don’t tell me anything. They didn’t plan releasing me. I was nothing more than a number in their equations.”
    “If you work with us, and give you your research, we can promise you freedom and citizenship here, though you will be a traitor to Russia.”
    “Deal.”
    I sit behind the counter of my dad’s record store, scrolling through the news on my phone as a record on the counter spins and Tom Petty drones on about free fallin’. Something about a new disease, World War III is still going on, a new Avengers movie is coming out. There’s no customers; there’s usually not at this time so I consider leaving earlier. The bell on the door dings, announcing that I’m trapped here for another hour. The man says he doesn’t need any help and heads up to the record loft. My attention returns to my phone before the bell dings again.
    A woman walks in, and her face makes my stomach twist. There’s boils and pieces of missing skin. Her eyes have a glassy look. “Miss, are you okay?” I ask. Her mouth goes through the motions, but no words come out. I begin the chew on the inside of my cheek, a nervous tic I developed as a kid as the woman ascends the stairs. A few minutes pass and I hear a scream. I get up on the counter and slide over and make a beeline for the stairs. I head up, taking two steps at a time. The man is laying on the ground dead, bits of his skin missing. The woman’s face is covered with blood and the skin of the man and she lunges at me. I grab a record off the shelf and start hitting her with it, but it does nothing.
    I use the record to shield my skin from her attacks as I walk backwards down the steps. I’m down and I run to the counter. The monster of a woman bumbles and trips her way down the stairs  and should take twice as long to get anywhere. I go over to the record player and rip the stick with the needle off and start hitting her with it. She lets out a scream, but it’s muffled and distorted and sounds almost alien. The warmth of adrenaline courses through me as I hit her again and again, somehow being able to avoid her attacks. She falls to the ground after several minutes. I stomp on her head until I’m sure she won’t be a threat anymore. The effects of the adrenaline wore off, and I now realized the fact that I got attacked by a monster. It’s fucking insane.
    I exit the store and hop into my car. I drive home much faster than usual. My eyes dart around, looking everywhere to see if there’s any more of those monster things in or beside the road. I’m too busy looking for them that I run a red light. Sighing, I slow down and keep my eyes on the road. They play tricks on me and several times I swear I see something out of the corner of my eye. Finally I arrive home, any later and I’m pretty sure I would have gone crazy. It’s late and everyone else is asleep so I immediately head up to my room. I shut and lock my door. I bulldoze the messy pile of video game and band shirts off my bed and into a laundry basket and crawl under the covers.
    Scratch. Scratch. Scratch.
    Damn. I’m going to die.
    I glance at my alarm clock. Midnight, and there’s scratching at my door. The thing that tried to kill me earlier used its nails to attack. And there’s scratching at my door. I’m going to die. Logic tells me I should get up and find some kind of weapon. My instincts have me paralyzed out of fear. Breathe.  Gradually I move my arm. Down to the floor. My fingers make contact with the tennis racket under my bed and grasp it, preparing to fight off the intruder.
Meow.
    It’s not even an intruder. It’s my dang cat. I get up and open the door and pet him. After this scare, there’s no way I’m getting back to sleep so I get dressed and head downstairs. I did my hair and makeup much fancier than usual, if I’m losing sleep I can at least look good.
    About an hour before the bus arrives I sit at the kitchen table eating cereal and watching the news. “Due to an outbreak of a new disease, all schools in the district will remain closed,” So I’m all dolled up for nothing. “Experts say the disease is contained to the state and airports are closing in an effort to keep it that way. It’s recommended you stay indoors and avoid crowded places to protect yourself from the illness. If you develop an itchy red rash, seek medical attention immediately as that’s the first sign of the disease. Now onto the weather.” Somehow the peppy newscaster is able to make even a deadly disease sound alright.
    I decide to not waste the day like I normally would. I go over by the front door and grab the leash and harness that are hanging up by my coat. I pick up my tennis racket and some balls and make kissing noises. My cat comes running and I put on his harness. He’s all black and could easily be mistaken for a dog. He’s huge. 30 pounds of cat, no fat. We head out to the backyard and decide to take the leash off. He could get over the fence, but I don’t think he wants to. I ready my racket and pitch a serve to the wall, the ball bounces back and I hit it again. This time I catch it instead of hitting it again because I feel an itch and need to scratch my back. My nails dig into the soft skin of my arm and it feels delightful.
    “Hey, Lulu!” someone calls from behind the fence I just served a ball at. It’s my friend, Jakob. He scales over the wall like he’s done many times and his eyes travel up and down my body. “Skank,” he snickers, referring to my short tennis skirt. I roll my eyes and throw a ball at him. “Jesus. I’m not here to look at your ass, I’m here to talk about the fact that there’s a fucking zombie apocalypse happening.”
“No, there’s not. You’re so gullible. It’s just a disease making people crazy or something-” I’m interrupted by a scream.
“Welp, I’m out.” Jakob says before going back into his house.
    A waterfall of purple leaves drooping from the willow tree in the yard block view of the neighbor’s yard. There’s nothing on any of the other sides, just forest. I pull back the ropes of leaves to look. My neighbor lies unconscious on the ground. I quickly put Salem back inside and jump the fence. The elderly woman has a huge boil on her face. I nearly throw up. It’s filled with some kind of liquid and I can see something small wiggling inside of it. I forget how to move for a minute, and then my body catches up to my brain and I dial 911. I reach down feel her pulse. She’s dead.
    The paramedics come, ask me my name and if I know anything about her. I don’t. They put her into the back of the ambulance, and as the door close I see the boil pop, and she bolts up, her eyes glaze over.
Then, a guy who can’t be much older than me comes up. Despite his young age, he has some kind of uniform decorated with tons of badges. “What do you know about that lady?” he asks.
“Nothing.”
“Do you know anything about the ‘outbreak’?” The way he says outbreak sends chills up my spine.
“I was in a fight with one of the infected people.”
“Any rashes, itches?” I shake my head no. “Fever?”
“No, I’ve been totally fine.” He grabs my arm and yanks me away.
I slap him. “I don’t care where you’re taking me,but Jakob’s coming.” He’s completely unfazed by the slap and nods his head.
my dude, my bro, this is excellent, i love the way u add detailed description that one can picture easily without running on too long & also how u use subtle things like the narrators possessions to add character. i esp love the bit with the neighbor its such a quick thing but v nasty it sticks with u 10/10
the only thing thats bugging me is the inconsistency with indentation at the beginning of paragraphs/dialogue but idk if thats just something tumblr did? either way very awesome super cool concept u got going here & v easy to read too w/o being overly simple (not that theres anything wrong with simplicity) 
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purplesurveys · 7 years
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149
Name one color that looks good on you. Maroon. Name one thing that is yellow. The lemonade flavor of a Jelly Belly. I had eaten one just now so it was easy to remember lol. List three girls' names you like. Charlotte, Arden, Olivia. Name one color that doesn't look good on you. Yellow. List one thing that you're allergic to. I don’t have any allergies, and I can recall having such a reaction only when exposed to dust.
List one word that you like for how it sounds. These questions always come up at the worst times, because now I can’t remember any words... List one word that you like for what it means. ‘Humaling’ means extreme fondness in Filipino and is one of my favorite words. Name something that is blue. My school bag. List one spice you like. Cumin. Name something associated with Christmas. Stockings. That used to be my favorite part, then I got older. Name a place you've never been before but would like to visit. Thailand is always up there on the list. Name something you wish you had. A memorable childhood. Name something you can't live without. Sushi. Name something associated with Halloween. Jack-o-lanterns, horror films, dressing up. List three things that are green. The painting used as the main piece for the hotel room I’m in at the moment, the FaceTime icon, and trees. Name one store you like. The grocery. Name a cartoon character. Ice Bear. List five things that are orange. One of my shirts, cooked shrimp, oranges, basketballs, and the iBooks icon. List three boys' names you like. Jacob, Mason, Paolo. List three animals you like. Dogs, horses, goats. Name something that starts with the letter "S". Er, straws? List one illness or condition that you currently have. I have some kind of personality disorder, that’s for sure. I’ve never gotten a diagnosis. List one illness or condition that you had in the past but no longer do. I was never a sickly person...I never got sore eyes, chicken pox, dengue, UTI, anything like that, so the first and only time I was ever admitted to a hospital was for a high fever and low count of platelets. I don’t know if it has a name. Name one thing that makes you cry. Golden buzzer videos. I’d say videos with shelter dogs make me cry, but I avoid them completely for that very reason. Name one thing that makes you laugh. Korean shows are hilarious. I love their sense of humor. List five middle names you like. I don’t really have picks for middle names...then again in the Philippines, middle name is synonymous with maiden name so we probably understand differently. Live five desserts you like. Pain au chocolat, doughnuts, cupcakes, macarons, cake. List three fruits you like. I do not eat fruits ever. List one Starbucks drink you like. Warmed caramel macchiato. Name one thing that makes you angry. FILIPINO TRAFFIC. Trips that would take 20-30 minutes would instead be 3-4 hours. It’s a joke among us to say that it would take much shorter for one person to go all the way to the province than for another person to just go from one town to the next. Name one thing that excites you. Fridays. List one of your favorite scents. Gab’s. List one favorite song. In A Week by Hozier. List one favorite author. Er I don’t read much these days but a favorite by association is Stephen King. I love most of the film adaptations of his works. List five things you are good at. Listening, writing, procrastinating, anything having to do with reflexes, getting through to stubborn people. List three words that describe you. Secretive, loyal, stubborn. List three words that you wish described you more. I wish I was extroverted and...welp, less anxious. List one word to describe your bedroom. Cozy. List one word that most describes you. Quiet. List three favorite colors. Black, pink, white. List three of the most painful things you have ever experienced. An infected wound from accidentally kicking coral reefs, ripping my pierced skin off, and the time when I didn’t get into the school paper in high school. List three of the most wonderful things you have ever experienced. Both of the times I got together with my girlfriend, riding an airplane, and any time I’ve been to a museum. :) List one thing you'd change about your body if you could. More boob. List three undesirable characteristics that you have. I’m anxious, easily embarrassed, and make a fit out of everything small because of my mental condition. List one word to describe your style. Whatever. List three words to describe your character. I’ve described myself in three words way too many times :( List three things you often get compliments on. My physical figure, my writing, and more often these days I get praised about my relationship with Gab. List three areas in which you'd like to improve. Fear of other people, a sense of urgency (especially when it comes to work), and I’d love to learn to cook too. List your secret talents. I don’t think a lot of people know I play table tennis. Sure, I represented my batch all throughout high school, but table tennis was never a big sport and so I went unnoticed, and continue to do so I believe. Name your best friend. Gabie. And Angela. Name your first crush (if you are comfortable doing so). Andi. Name three characteristics you like or admire in your best friend. They’re both super caring for their loved ones, they can handle me, and they’re incredibly talented. Who's your biggest role model? Gabie. What's the most physically painful thing you've ever experienced? This has been asked. Name three things you hate. Traffic, conservatism - not the political party (but can be lol) but just in general, and animal cruelty. Name six things you love. Dogs, clear roads, outer space, horror films, traveling to different countries, and getting to try out exotic food. List three things you'd change about your life if you could. I wish I had a different childhood; I wish I wasn’t affected by this sort of mental condition; I wish I had volunteered for more things in grade school and high school. List three words to describe your dream wedding. Filled with happiness. List three words to describe your ideal vacation. I don’t have an ideal vacation.
List three words to describe your dream house. Spacious, minimal, cozy. List one thing you'd never do. Eat a fruit salad. List one food you dislike. Pineapple. Name a store you'd like to win a shopping spree at. Topshop. List your favorite toy as a kid. I super loved cash register toys. Name your favorite websites. Welp I don’t do social media anymore, but next to that I go on BuzzFeed, especially when I’m bored. I don’t go there for news, of course; but the entertainment articles and the quizzes help me kill a lot of time. Name one belief you have. That we just fall into a deep sleep when we die. My ideal concept is that we continue to roam the world in some way when we go, or that we get transferred to a parallel universe - but I realistically think we all just go to sleep forever. Name one opinion you have. History is a fun subject. Name five places you've been. Bali, Indonesia; Jeju Island, South Korea; Fukuoka, Japan; Shanghai, China; Palawan, Philippines. List five places you've never been but would like to go. Thailand, Vietnam, Cambodia, India, Chicago. Name something purple. Ube. Name something beautiful. Dogs. List five celebrities you think are attractive. Kristen Stewart x5. Name someplace beautiful. PALAWAN. Name your first CD. The first one I remember getting excited about, and then got, was the soundtrack for the first High School Musical hahahahaha.
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viralhottopics · 7 years
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‘Are You The One?’ Recap: So It Begins
Jambo, morons! Welcome back to another riveting season of where the success rate is similar to the cast members combined IQs: practically non-existent. But hey, were Americans. We love shit that is destined to failwhether its reality shows or President-elects. Its our cross to bear.
ANNNNYWAYS. So MTV had a hard job to do: top the group of idiots that made up season 4. And thankfully for you, but mostly for me, they did just that. Shoutout to you MTV, you da real MVP.
Also, as many of you know, I tend to feature quotes from my loveable, yet incredibly cruel mother in these recaps. You think Im bad? She once called a woman in Starbucks a psycho bitch because she took the last of the skinny vanilla mix. True story. DM me for details. Lets begin now.
This season MTV really went for #culture and decided to have the show in the Dominican Republic. Even reality shows get island fever, I guess. I mean, you can really only throw so many group orgys/luaus so many times on one show.
Ryan Devlin, the host who you feel bad for like 99% of the time, meets up with the cast and is like you guys all suck at and theyve all been trained to say relationships. Of course they all forget their one fucking line and just sound like they are saying random shit.
RYAN: You guys suck at CASTMATE 1: Relationships! CASTMATE 2: Tomato! CASTMATE 3: Unicorn piss! CASTMATE 4: 9/11 was a hoax!
We meet Tyranny (Mom Quote: IS HER NAME TRANNY!?! theyre so cute when they are mildly offensive) says that all of her boyfriends have either cheated on her or knocked other girls up. In the words of Donald Trump: Sad! Very Unfair!
Theres Jaylan who used to be a loser, hit the gym, now gets pussy. Male Laney Boggs. Tale as old as time. Moving on.
Taylor: hottest girl on the show easily, talks about how her dad would kill some of the men she has dated, low-key concerned for her safety and the safety of others.
Theres Joey, the povo as fuck part-time garbage man who spent his last remaining dollars on a gaudy watch. Obviously a very smart investor. Didnt know sent kids on scholarship. Im just happy hes honest about being a garbage man and doesnt try and be like Im a sanitation assistant. Not that any of them know what sanitation means.
Joey is def hot though10/10 would bang, just to get hook up with blue collar worker off my bucket list.
REAL PICTURE OF JOEY:
THE FIRST DATE RULES
Ryan explains about how they do comprehensive interviews and questionnaires to develop and algorithm that eventually finds their match. You know poor Joey didnt know what was happening after comprehensive.
This season, theres another twist: there are 11 guys and 11 girls, but they only get ten chances. Obviously MTV was giving away too much money with this show, so they made more couples. What? Youre thinking it.
For the first date, MTV acted like a bunch of fucking narcs and sent bios to the contestants’ parents so mom and dad can pick who they think is a match. Everyone is like, Mom dont fuck this up for me.
My mom: If you were ever on this show I would literally never acknowledge you again. (Fair enough.)
Joeys mom picks Carolina, whos like okay cool, whatever. She doesnt know hes a garbage man yet, so give her a break.
Hannah’swho is from my hometown, hey girlfamily picks Oswaldo, a self-described horny genius. Welp, I think a line like that means its time for a shot. Brb.
Anyway, Hannah is like I would rather eat my own spleen then date Oswaldo. (paraphrase)
Giannas mom chose Hayden and they start hugging and are like . Fucking spare me. The other fucking losers have to send these couples to the truth booth after their date.
BACK TO THE HOUSE
The castmates get to their dungeon for the next few months and drinks are flowing and shirts are off. I remember my first sip of alcohol.
Cassandra is drunk and is wanting to touch everyones face. She like Im so flirty when Im drunk which is a weird way of saying Im a hoe.
Its Mikes birthday today. Hes like its my birthday so someone fuck me. *plays Birthday Sex* *stares aggressively at all the women*
Mike describes himself as a typical Staten Island boy. His hobbies include moisturizing, mispronouncing half the English language and fapping off to girls who look like Snooki.
Ozzy is a local, so you know he is dirty as fuck. Kathryn goes to Florida State, you know shes hot as fuck, but also borderline brain-dead.
Shes like I WANT TO BE A TEACHER! and its like, sure ya do sweetie, and I want to be a fucking astronaut. Stick to what you know and continue being a TFM girl.
Ozzy and Kathryn both want to be teachers. Snoreeeeee. Shes already like Im in lovewell folks, weve met the stage-5 clinger for the season.
Michael the douchebagnot be confused with Mike, the little man from Staten Islandis laying it on THICK to Taylor and she is not having it. Taylor has officially become my favorite on the show so far.
MICHAEL:Hey pretty lady TAYLOR:Ew seriously? Girls with asses like mine do not talk to guys with faces like yours.
Shes like youre so full of shit and Im like SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK, TAYLOR.
Hayden and Gianna are talking about how they both have dogs and both like corn and other pretty basic shit and decide theyre going to be together forever.
GIANNA: I breathe air HAYDEN: No way, I breathe air!!!
They both have the flyover state bond, with Hayden being from Indiana and Gianna being from Ohio. Its always cute to see two people from middle America bond and discuss the fact that they fucked the rest of us over. True love.
Everyone is like Hayden and Gianna are a match, even though theyve all known each other for 3 seconds.
Joey the trash man is telling people that hes going to be a carpenter, much like a 3rd grader would say Mommy, Im going to be a superhero! Shannon brings me the biggest laugh of the night by asking him to do her carpets, clearly not knowing what a carpenter is. Shit like that makes me miss my sorority.
Ozzy is chain-smoking and being like I DONT WANT TO BE THE OLD ME. Aka, me on New Years Eve.
Kathryn and Ozzy are drunk as fuck and being flirty and going WE WANT TO HELP KIDS!!!! You stay the fuck away from my future children, Rush-Boobs and Ozzy.
Michael is talking to Gianna and starts telling a sob story about how he was chubby and he blossomed. If I had a nickel for every time I heard that one. No seriously, every fucking season they have one of these guys.
MTV CASTING: Ok we need at least one hick, one former fat dude, one ripped black guy and one oddly feminine guy. Search the fucking country.
Michael starts asking Gianna about her open-heart surgery, gets bored halfway through and just starts sucking her face. Okay. Well that escalated quickly. Quote from mom: He doesnt give a shit about her faulty heart. Hes trying to get laid. Profound.
Rush-Boobs wants to make Ozzy jealous and starts low-key hooking up with Mike. Fantastic logic, cant wait for you to educate our youth.
Then we meet Andre, who has trust issues because the girl he liked since 8th grade literally sat on his friends lap. Meanwhile, Tyrannys boyfriends are having children, but OKAY. #dramatic
Alicia is the perpetual sidepiece, aka every womans enemy.
Ozzy and Kathryn already think they are a match and Ozzy forgive Rush-Boobs for hooking up with Mike because hes a cheater too, so this is karma. Wow, how fucking zen of you.
THE DATE
Hayden dresses in camo for the date and Gianna is like You can take the boy out of Indiana, but you cant make him dress like a normal fucking human.
Its very clear Gianna is over Hayden, whereas Hayden hasnt been this excited since he attended a Donald Trump rally last summer.
GIANNA: FML HAYDEN: *excitedly whispers* Build that wall! Build that wall!
Joey just looks like a trash man, like, just in life. He has resting garbage man face.
Hannah does not like Oswaldo, its very obvious. Shes going to call her parents and demand a raise in her monthly allowance for making her suffer through this bullshit.
Gianna starts kissing Hayden and shes like Ill give him a chance. How fucking noble of you.
Carolina and Joey are talking about their parents and Joey tells her that he would never cheat on a girl and Carolina damn near creams her pants. They kiss and meanwhile the whole audience is wondering does she know hes a trash man? That dramatic irony, doe.
THE TRUTH BOOTH
ShockerHayden and Gianna to the truth booth. Michael is like WE MADE OUT LAST NIGHT but Im not jealous.
MICHAEL: Im not even mad! NARRATOR: Michael was, in fact, very mad.
Ah, but there is a truth booth twist! They can trade in truth booth and add $150,000 to their prize. But if they take the money then Hayden and Gianna can never get sent back together.
The house is torn. Im torn. Im all out of faith, this is how I feel.
*Starts Twitter poll asking people what they would do*
They decide not to take the trade, which my mom and I both agree is stupid.
And lookie here: No match. So thats done.
Michael is thrilled. My mom thinks he looks like a baby rat. Cannot un-see that.
Gianna gives a speech basically saying that she didnt feel it the whole time and everyone is like okay cool thanks for telling us, *whispers* ya fuckin bitch.
We also very quickly meet Kam, who has a rotation of men because #feminism. And Edward, who has a chest tattoo. Thats it for now.
Gianna goes to hang out with Michael and hes over it. He makes her cry, I dont really care, blah blah blah, moves on with life. Gianna and Michael are going to be the annoying couple this season. Buckle up.
MATCH CEREMONY
This season they have the blackout rule again but this time they cut the winnings in half if they blackout. Thats way harsh, Tai.
First is Kam and Eddy. Shes building up her newest rotation.
Taylor picks Tyler, who is hot. Wait what? Why did they not introduce the hot guy? What is this fuckery, MTV? They also sound like they could be identical twins.
Kari, dont know her yet so whatever, picks little man Mike.
Casandra picks Kaylen.
Caroline picks Joey.
Tyranny and Oswaldo. Can I just call you Tee? Im going to call you Tee, because Im one letter away from being low-key fucked up.
Giannas dumb ass is up and shes like I HAVE A GREAT CONNECTION WITH MICHAEL so obviously shes going to pick Ozzy.
Tee and Alicia are pissed and threatening to curb stomp this bitch. Fuck yes, this is what I signed up for. Gianna is like Leave me alone everyone, Im proving this to Michael! Literally all you proved was that youre crazy AND stupid.
Hannah picks Michael.
Alicia picks Andre.
Rush-Boobs picks Derek, who is also hot as fuck. Also, Rush-Boobs laugh reminds me of Kitty from. I know. Its all you can think about now.
Shannon, who btw really needs her carpets cleaned, picks Hayden.
Well this is excitingthey get two matches. Not bad for week one. They dont make me want to kill myselfyet.
Ryan gives the follow your heart speech that we hear every fucking episode and the cast goes back to the house to turn the fuck up.
So far, off to an interesting start. Gotta say, good-looking cast this season. Dumb as rocks, but good-looking. Come back next week to see what other shit I can talk about my peers who are doing far worse than I am. Peace, bitches.
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