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pokemon-ninjago-world · 3 years

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Headcanon/Pokéninjago version of Lloyd’s identity crisis during season 5 of Ninjago

Got ab 12 likes on the announcement post so here we are: This is an essay-sorta-thing about something I thought and wrote some six years ago. It’s been so long since I wrote this I feel cringy reading it, but it’s tenable in Pokéninjago lore. It’s kind of a mix between my headcanon for the show, and canon of my AU, which is why there is mentions of “evolving” and Pokémon types.

Things to take into account:

Idk if there should be content warnings, but depression mention at least. Otherwise, this is pretty much as intense as season 5 went, just a little more angsty I suppose.

I must say that my version of Lloyd and his identity crisis were inspired by a certain artist’s version of him and by a comic they made about the Child’s Play episode’s aftermath. I don’t dare name the artist, since they don’t wish to be linked with the Ninjago fandom anymore, but some of you might know who I’m referring to.

I do not know how psychology stuff actually works, all of this was made on grounds of a couple of high school psychology courses and a lot of imagination `:D

I wrote this originally in Finnish and let Word translate it, so this might be v clumsy at points.

Most of the text is under the cut!

~***~

When Lloyd was just a small cub, closer to three years, his mother had left him in his father's care. Misako knew the boy would become the Green Ninja and Garmadon would become the Dark Lord. That is why she went looking for any ancient knowledge to avoid the final confrontation. Although her heart was torn since she had to leave her loved ones, she knew that she couldn’t just sit on her hands, and that perhaps she was the only one that could prevent the decisive battle between good and evil. It was also her wish that the father and the son could spend as much time together as possible. Thus, Lloyd's earliest childhood memories are about his father, and his recollections of his mother are blurry, obscure, and fading away as he grows up, or mixing with other memories.

Dad meant everything to little Lloyd. Although they lived in the same monastery with Lloyd’s uncle as well, whom he also liked, his own father was still the greatest. Garmadon also loved his child deeply and wanted him to have a happy life. Although the poison in his veins was starting to get a hold of him and he was increasingly drawn to the Golden Weapons, his love for Lloyd and the desire to be with him in anticipation of Misako's return kept him away from them for much longer than if the boy had never existed.

When Lloyd "evolved," he lost some important years of his life, during which a youngster usually developes a picture of himself and his changing body. Lloyd's body changed in a single moment and even though his mind also changed to some degree, it was still mostly on the same level as before, since artificial aging did not bring him the years of experience that growing up normally would. From that moment on, he had to form himself a new image of himself. Frankly, he was facing a fierce identity crisis.

After the episode Child's Play, Lloyd adopted an identity whose foundation was flimsy and unstable. It consisted of a few simple pillars that supported his image of himself. Some emotions, thoughts, and memories that he could not, wasn’t able to or didn’t dare to deal with, secretly and slowly gnawed at those pillars like erosion. They grew into doubt that settled into the cracks like rockfoil.

That flimsy foundation for his self-image, consisted of these elements: I am the Green Ninja. I'm the strongest ninja of all. I’m the son of sensei Garmadon. I’m the grandson of The First Spinjitzu Master. I'm one of the Elemental Masters. I'm a student of Sensei Wu. I'm one of the five elemental ninjas. It's my destiny to protect the world from evil.

This made it easy for Morro to destabilize and crush Lloyd’s self-esteem. Morro proved himself to be stronger and more independent than Lloyd, and that he could win him over and over again, no matter how hard Lloyd tried to fight back. Lloyd felt weak and desperate. Two pillars of his self-image collapsed to the ground and the masked emotions and doubts that chipped away at the other columns began to grow and intensify: He was not the strongest ninja and was therefore unable to protect the world from this evil.

This also affected his view of him as the Green Ninja. Although logically he still was just that – the Golden Weapons and his powers had proven it – he could not help but think that maybe Morro really was supposed to be the Chosen One. His identity was cracking, which ate away at his strength and self-esteem. Being a Psychic Type, his greatest strength resided in his psyche, and whenever his mind was in an unstable and vulnerable state, he couldn’t do his best, even if he had used everything he had learned. Losing his father fairly recently had already struck a dangerous notch in his mental stability.

Even though Lloyd was still his father's son, it didn't feel the same when he was no longer with him. Finally, he was only driven forward by his relationship with his other loved ones. He had to do everything he could to stop Morro from harming his friends. By protecting them he was also protecting the last intact remnants of his Self.

Lloyd did everything he could to resist Morro's possession. From time to time a memory of his friends and the will to keep them safe increased his "self-control," weakening the ghost's hold on him. However, a long, grueling time in constant motion, without water and nourishment, poisoned by a cold, vindictive spirit, steadily filled his mind with anguish and despair. Doubts penetrated deep into the tears of his self-image, breaking everything old until he no longer knew who he was. Only with the last bits of his mental strength could he interfere with Morro's possession so that he failed to clear the other ninjas out of his way.

Then, when Morro broke away from Lloyd's body, the Espeon felt like nothing more than an empty, broken shell floating aimlessly in the dark, beachless sea. He was unable to live up to any of the expectations and goals that had been set for him. Now, he was used as a trade-in item in the market of the world’s destiny. He longer had the strength or power to save even his best friends. He was as helpless as a newborn pup and all he could do was to stand by and apologize when he was traded for Realm Crystal.

Somewhere from his past, he dug up one last spark of strength. Already as a child, he had been left alone with unfriendly people, who then had ignited that stubborn flame in him: the desire to fight the cruel, unjust and repressive world. His body still had more strength than his mind, and this momentary burst of grit made him kick the Crystal out of Morro's hand. This, however, caused him to end up in the freezing stream, all his energy used up. There was not much left but a primitive desire to survive and a little strength to keep his head afloat before the cold numbed his muscles.

Lloyd's mind was in shambles. Images, memories, shattered fragments of his adopted identity… they all churned in his tired, blurred consciousness. Unintentionally, he began to go through the feelings of uncertainty, fear and inadequacy that he had denied from himself for years. The present seemed more surreal than the memories. He relived moments that had had a revolutionary impact on his life: When the golden weapons pointed him out as a Green Ninja; when he grew up under the influence of Tomorrow's Tea; when he met his mother and became to know her; when he unleashed the Golden Dragon in the Temple of Light; how he fought the Overlord who was possessing his father; how he harnessed his True Potential; got his father back; lost Zane; reunited his friends again and felt great togetherness with the other Elemental Masters. When he lost his father again. And when Morro possessed him.

Lloyd was lost. If it wasn’t for his friends and their care, he would have sunk deep into depression (and, on the other hand, drowned or, at the very least, died of hypothermia). When Kai carried him out of the FSM’s tomb, it triggered a very clear memory of the day when the Master of Fire had fulfilled his potential and Lloyd had been identified as the Chosen One. That day, Kai had come to save him from an erupting volcano and carried him to safety. Now, Lloyd felt like he was that little scared cub again, who had for a moment thought he was going to burn to the ground in the boiling lava of the volcano. He remembered how Kai's closeness had brought a feeling of immediate security around him. Even though the mountain had raged and wanted to kill them both, Lloyd had known he didn’t have to be afraid. Kai was there. He'd protect Lloyd. There was no reason to fight the fear anymore, he didn't have to pretend like he was tough. He was carried by someone older and stronger, whom to rely on.

The feeling was so intense, the memory so vivid that Lloyd was overwhelmed by an inexplicable, immense grief. The sadness of being forced to give up a carefree childhood so early on, to take on an enormous responsibility and assume a role that seemed too demanding for such a small boy to perform. He had had to grow up way too soon. He started shaking from holding back the tears. He didn’t mind since he thought Kai was probably assuming that he was shivering from the cold. But when Kai said quietly and understandingly: "Shh... It's okay... Don't worry about it," the last wall of pride and fear fell, and Lloyd could no longer repress his weeping.

At this point, he slowly began to build a new identity on the ruins of the wrecked one. He understood that even though he was the Green Ninja, it didn’t make him greater or more important than the others. He had more magical power than anyone else, but he was still only a person just like them. He could hesitate, too, and fail. There was no way for him to do anything more than what he was capable of, mentally, physically, and skill-wise. That’s all there was to offer, and if it wasn't enough, there were others whom he could rely on. Others, who would catch him when he ran out of strength. He wasn't the last link to hold the whole structure together.

These ideas developed slowly in Lloyd's exhausted mind. Slowly, he got stitched back up from the fragments of his previous self-image. This time, however, his new identity was not something that was given to him from the outside, in which he would have had to fit himself, but it was a solid, authentic self-image created as a result of self-reflection. It was still obscure, uncertain and seeking its form, and its growth was overshadowed by fear. But the conversation with his father drove away that last fear. The fear that Morro was supposed to be the Green Ninja instead of Lloyd. His father assured that Lloyd’s qi had no influence on how he should live and act. He should live the way his heart told him to.

In the end, although Morro managed to beat Lloyd one last time, this time he did not break down. He was more intact now, he had more inner strength, and he knew for sure he wouldn't be abandoned. That the fate of the world wasn't really up to him. He may have been part of the story, but after all, he wasn't the protagonist, at least not the only one of them.

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elsanna-shenanigans · 3 years

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April Contest Submission #25: Break Free

Words: ca. 6,600 Setting: canon AU Lemon: no CW: Imprisonment, Torture, Injuries (but no graphic detail), Abuse, Mentioned Kristanna, Mentioned Character Death, actual character death, violence (choking). Mentions of slavery

xXx

“Anna… Anna…”

The redhead’s eyes slowly opened at the sound of a familiar voice, as she was brought out of another horrific nightmare.

“Are you awake?” A voice spoke.

Weakly, Anna nodded. “I take it, that’s you there, Elsa?”

“Yes, it’s me.”

Anna groaned, getting out of bed. For the past year, she had been a prisoner in the Southern Isles, kept as a trophy by King Hans. Everything had been taken from her, her friends, family, even her kingdom.

The cell was dark and filthy, with only one bed. The floor was stone, cold on Anna’s bare feet. The dungeons were on the lowest level of the castle, Anna’s cell having a window overlooking the ocean, the sound of the waves crashing against the rockface often keeping her up at night.

Lamenting her situation, Anna hoped she wouldn’t spend the rest of her life here. She was a Queen and a warrior, she didn’t deserve to die in a dungeon-like this. She should have died defending Arendelle with honour… but Hans had denied her that.

As Anna got up, she sighed, rubbing her eyes. She missed the days when she actually had a good nights sleep. As she climbed off her bed, she saw the door to her cell open, the familiar sight of a blonde-haired woman in uniform walking into the cell. It was indeed Elsa, Hans’s second in command, the woman who had led the attack on Arendelle… and if Anna was honest, her only real friend.

"Nightmare again?” Elsa wondered.

“The same one I’ve had for the last year,” Anna remarked.

Elsa sighed. “I’m so sorry.” Then she cleared her throat. “Prince Hans has requested your presence at breakfast, your majesty,” one of the guards said. “You are to come with me.” “He should give up,” Anna replied. “I’m not going to give in to his demands.” “Even so, you have to eat something,” Elsa insisted. Knowing Elsa was right, Anna got up. She needed to keep her strength up, what little of she still had. “Fine,” Anna agreed reluctantly. Walking out of the cell, she let Elsa lead her down the corridor, her weakened legs barely keeping her standing straight. She looked at the sorceress, confused about how she felt.

Elsa had been responsible for so much pain in her life, and yet, she had also visited her cell pretty much every single day. Anna didn’t know why, but perhaps she was just as lonely as she was. It was clear no one really talked to Elsa, aside from Hans.

But Anna still felt a sense of unease around her. She had watched her kill so many people in her dreams and yet, the real Elsa wasn’t as cold as she imagined.

The real Elsa actually had a kind heart to her, and it was clear that she did care about Anna. But Anna would never forget what Elsa had done, despite the fact they were friends.

She remembered the day Arendelle fell like it was yesterday, reliving the images of the invasion every night, seeing friends and loved ones slaughtered every time she closed her eyes. Every night in her dreams, the images would be warped and distorted, portraying Elsa as some kind of inhuman monster, who had brutally murdered her husband. But Anna had a feeling her dreams were just exaggerations, brought on by her trauma.

For much of her life, Anna hadn’t really been given much of a childhood. When she was a baby, enemy spies had kidnapped her older sister, forcing her parents to keep her locked in the castle for much of her young life.

As Anna grew up, her mother and father put her through all sorts of training to protect herself, to ensure what happened to her older sibling would never repeat itself. By the time Anna was eighteen, she had already served a couple of years in the kingdom’s royal guard. By age twenty-two, she had attained the rank of officer. But that was not the last title that she would be known by.

Her parents tragically died at sea a year later and as such, Anna assumed the throne as Queen. Most assumed it was just a really bad storm. Anna hadn’t taken the news well and it was only afterwards, she knew the truth about her lost sibling.

But even though she deeply mourned her parents, she carried on, later taking a husband. Kristoff was a kind man, he had a large heart and it was his love that made Anna feel so alive and helped her to love life again.

But just as tragically, this bliss was not to last. The Southern Isles, who had been expanding their territories, had wanted to Anna to surrender her kingdom to them. Despite knowing they had a secret weapon that had allegedly wiped out entire kingdoms, she wanted Arendelle to go down fighting.

So much for that, since her forces were completely wiped out, but she’d heard rumours that many of the civilians had managed to survive as refugees elsewhere.

“I take it you didn’t sleep well,” Elsa assumed, bringing Anna out of her thoughts.

“Is that sarcasm?” Anna responded. “I didn’t think you had a sense of humour.”

“I take no amusement from your treatment, Anna,” Elsa stated. “But… you did bring this on yourself. Hans gave you a guest room to stay in when you arrived, a rather luxurious abode I might add.”

“It was still a cell,” Anna replied. “I’m still a prisoner in this castle, regardless of how I’d be treated.”

“But it would have been preferable compared to what you’re going through down here,” Elsa expressed.

Soon, Elsa brought Anna to the royal dining hall, where Anna could see a great banquet of food laid out for her. She felt her stomach growl at the sight of it.

Hans himself was sat at the end of the table facing her, her father’s crown upon his head and a smug look on his face. Glancing at him enraged Anna, the sight of her oppressor reminding her of her suffering.

“Ah, your majesty,” Hans greeted her, as Elsa took a seat on the edge of the table next to him “You must be famished.”

Anna sat down, taking a bite of a slice of beef that had been placed on a plate for her. As much as she hated submitting to Hans this way, she was starving and Hans knew this. But she wasn’t going to let him take advantage of her.

Hans just smirked knowingly, as if he was mocking her. “Tell me, my dear, how have you been doing?”

Anna glared at him, just eating her food.

“I said… how have you been doing, Anna?” Hans asked again.

In response, Anna just muffled something while she was eating.

“Don’t talk with your mouth full, it’s rather rude,” Hans snarked

Anna swallowed. “I have nothing to say to you.”

“Oh come now, Anna. You’ve been our guest for a year, I would think you were a tad more sociable by now.” Hans forked a piece of sausage into his mouth. “I hope you’ve once again reconsidered my decision.”

“I am not going to become your wife, Hans,” Anna said defiantly. “I’m not some property for you to own.”

“Come now, if you agree to marry me, you’ll be given riches beyond your wildest dreams and be adored by the people,” Hans offered. “Plus, you won’t need to suffer in those dreadful dungeons any longer.” Anna looked over at Elsa, seeing the blonde staring at her with concern. It was clear at this point that Elsa wanted Anna to fake her own surrender, as Elsa couldn’t bear to see Anna this way. But Anna wouldn’t do that. It would go against everything she stood for.

“I already had people who loved me… your soldiers took care of them,” Anna remarked. “And why would you care? I’m sure Elsa here would make a much better Queen than me.”

Hans chuckled. "I care about Elsa a great deal and I would not want the burden of Queen to be placed on her. Besides, she prefers women and I would not wish to make her… uncomfortable.” Anna noticed how saddened Elsa seemed to be from that subtle insult. Despite the abuse, she still followed Hans loyally without question. In a way… Anna felt sorry for her, that Elsa was as much of a prisoner as she was.

Putting down her cutlery, Anna glared at Hans. "And what about me, Hans? If you care about me so much, why am I whipped, beaten and starved so much?”

“You refuse to behave,” Hans growled. “I’m honestly reconsidering why I even let Elsa take you in alive when I easily could have let you die with the rest of your pathetic kingdom.“

Enraged, Anna snarled, grabbing a knife and lunging at Hans. She knocked him to the ground, trying to jab the knife into his eye. But being starved so much meant that Anna’s strength was nowhere near how it used to be and as such, Hans got the advantage.

Anna tried to stab the knife, but Hans managed to dodge it, the knife merely grazing his cheek. He snarled, punching Anna in the face. Anna stumbled back to her feet, dazed, before Hans got up and slapped her, knocking her to the ground.

Elsa got up, watching as Anna writhed on the floor, groaning in pain.

"Even after all this time, you’re still a disobedient little harlot,” Hans murmured. “Elsa, take her down to the dungeons for punishment.”

"Yes, my lord,” Elsa responded, going to Anna’s side.

As Hans left the room, Anna glared at the man, cursing herself for not being strong enough. She was clearly not the great warrior she once was.

xXx

The punishment was a whipping, as usual. Anna was chained to the wall and whipped by one of Hans’s guards, yet another tactic used by him to try and break her mentally. To be honest, sometimes Anna wondered if Hans had succeeded and she hadn’t realised it, but some part of her would still keep fighting on.

Elsa was there every time, watching the punishment take place, watching Anna as was made to suffer in agony. But eventually, the pain was over, Anna shaking as she ached in chains.

It amazed Anna that she even had enough strength to try and tackle Hans in the dining hall, but she hated herself for not being able to finish the job. Still, she wouldn’t succumb to this agony, no matter how painful it was. Even with her dying breath, she’d deny Hans that satisfaction.

Knowing that Anna had been through enough, Elsa looked at the guard, nodding. “That’s enough, soldier. You can go now.”

The guard left them, Elsa going up to Anna and undoing the chains around her arms and legs. Anna collapsed to the floor, quivering as Elsa walked over to her.

“It’s over now,” Elsa spoke, handing Anna a waterskin.

Shivering, Anna gently held the pouch in her hand, gulping the water down. She gulped down the water as fast as she could, before panting, as sweat beaded down her body.

“You… You’re gonna get in trouble for helping me like this,” Anna said shakily, her throat dry.

Elsa looked away. “What Hans doesn’t know won’t hurt him. To be honest, I’ve been wondering why you’re even still here. It’s clear that no matter what, you’re not going to break.”

“I won’t break,” Anna insisted.

“That’s a rather arrogant way to look at things,” Elsa noted. “You’ve been pushed beyond your limits. I’m surprised you haven’t died yet.” She then bent down and helped the struggling Anna to her feet. “Let me help you. I’ll take you back to your cell.”

Anna merely nodded as Elsa helped her. She was surprised the sorceress was so kind to her at times, as if the person who had helped destroy Arendelle and the person helping her now were two completely different people.

“I admire your strength,” Elsa spoke. “Most people would have either gone mad or died from the torment you’ve been put through.”

“My parents raised a strong daughter,” Anna replied.

Eventually, the two of them arrived at Anna’s cell, Elsa unlocking the door.

“We’re here,” she said. “You should rest.”

Anna hobbled inside, eventually making it to the bed and collapsing upon it. Much of her body now was covered in scars from the torture Hans put her through constantly. As she laid on the bed, she saw that Elsa was still standing there.

“What are you doing?”

“I… I don’t know,” Elsa expressed. “I wish I could do more to help you.”

“You could have told Hans not to whip the piss out of me,” Anna remarked, trying to use humour to disguise her pain.

Elsa shook her head. “No, I can’t disobey Hans. If it wasn’t for him I…” The blonde stopped herself. “But maybe there is something I might be able to now to help you relieve that pain.”

Anna sat up, looking away. “Why do you care about me so much? I’m just a prisoner to you.”

“Perhaps… perhaps you’ve helped me to discover my humanity,” Elsa admitted. “You’re a rather… fascinating woman, Anna of Arendelle.”

“I’m surprised you have some,” Anna argued. “I still see you killing Kristoff in my dreams every night, leading the assault on Arendelle. In my dreams, you’re a cold, unfeeling monster.”

“And is that what I really am?”

“I… I don’t know,” Anna admitted. “You give me mixed messages. Some days I think you’re a friend and others, I’m reminded you’re a monster.”

Elsa walked into the room, sitting down on the bunk opposite Anna. “He attacked me from behind. I… I actually tried not to kill everyone. But Kristoff, he came at me with that spear and… ” She looked away. “I regret that.”

“What?” Anna wondered. “What are you talking about?”

“I wanted to win that battle with minimal casualties,” Elsa stated. “But everything went wrong. I regret what I did to you, and to your kingdom.” She looked into Anna’s eyes. “I even let most of the civilians go when I found them in the forests outside your kingdom. They didn’t deserve to die… no one did.”

"Is that… true?” Anna asked. “You’re not lying?”

“No, I haven’t lied to you,” Elsa expressed. “I’ve been good to you this past year to try and make up for the fact I destroyed your kingdom. I hoped… I hoped that perhaps if I befriended you, that life here would be better for you. It was obvious you and Hans wouldn’t get along but perhaps if you had me…”

Anna thought for a moment. She had a gut feeling that Elsa was indeed telling the truth. Anna had misjudged Elsa slightly. Hans was clearly using her as merely a weapon, not truly caring about her as a person. After all, in war, soldiers often were forced to fight, not given a choice to leave.

And in Anna’s eyes… Elsa had shown she was a kind person. A complicated one, but her actions of mercy and care for her had shown her humanity. And yet, her visage still haunted her dreams.

“I… I think I can forgive you,” Anna accepted. “But… part of me will always be angry towards you for what you’ve done. But it’s clear that perhaps you’re on the path of change.”

“That means a lot to me,” Elsa admitted. “ I don’t blame you for still partly being angry over what I did to your husband. You don’t have to completely absolve me of this.”

“I am not,” Anna said honestly. “But perhaps I can move on. Even if the image of you slaughtering so many with your magic is etched into my mind… it’s clear that’s not you anymore.”

“Then… allow me to assure you that I have changed,” Elsa spoke after a moment, slowly taking off her gloves. “If you’ll let me?”

“What are you going to do?”

“Just lay on your stomach and I’ll do the rest,” Elsa said softly. “Do you trust me?”

For a moment, Anna almost said no, but Elsa had clearly opened her heart to her and been honest to her. She was genuine and wanted to help Anna and if Anna was to try and move on with all of this, trust between her and Elsa was important. She nodded, laying down on her back.

Elsa then reached over to Anna, pressing her hands on Anna’s back, her cold icy magic soothing Anna’s skin.

“Uhhh…. what are you…”

“Using a bit of my magic to relieve your pain,” Elsa said. “It’ll allow you to rest better.”

Sighing in content, Anna felt relaxed as Elsa applied pressure to her aching back and legs. It was almost enough to make her forget where she was, but no matter how much Anna wanted it, she was still a prisoner in this dungeon.

After massaging Anna for a while, Elsa looked over at her. “You okay now?”

“Mm, much better,” Anna purred. “Have I ever told you that you have hands like a surgeon?”

Elsa chuckled, to Anna’s surprise.

“You… you laughed!” she exclaimed.

Her friend stopped, a little embarrassed. “Sorry… I can’t remember the last time I found anything funny.”

Anna sat up and looked into Elsa’s eyes. The two of them were but inches apart and at that moment, as Anna was relaxed, she gazed at Elsa. Her gorgeous blue eyes almost glowed in the sunlight, and her platinum blonde, nearly white hair looked as soft as silk.

In all this time, had Anna really not considered how beautiful Elsa was? At that moment, a strange new sensation started to form inside Anna’s chest. Not anger, not a desire to never give up, but… something else, some sensation of her wanting Elsa, wanting the two of them to try and make something of all this.

And then… Anna leaned in and kissed Elsa. It was a brief moment, Anna succumbing to whatever this sensation was inside of her, before quickly pulling away. “I’m sorry!”

Elsa stroked her lips. “I… It’s okay.”

“No… I didn’t mean to do that,” Anna argued.

Nodding, Elsa stood up. “I… I should go,” she said to break the tension. “You should rest, conserve your strength and whatnot.” She smiled at Anna. “I… I wouldn’t mind taking you out of this cell tomorrow. You need some exercise.”

“Would… would you be allowed to do that?”

“As I said before, what Hans doesn’t know won’t hurt him,” Elsa said reassuringly.

Anna nodded. “I’d like that… getting out and all.” She laid down and sighed. “And Elsa?”

“Yes?” Elsa wondered.

“Thank you,” Anna said genuinely.

Elsa smiled, closing the cell door. “Rest well, Anna.”

xXx

Fresh air, sunlight. It had felt like an eternity since Anna had been outside, in the presence of nature. Elsa had brought to a clearing just outside of the Southern Isles capital, where they wouldn’t be disturbed. The clearing was surrounded by beautiful trees full of lush green leaves, while in front of Anna, she could see a small lake with clear water reflecting the morning sun. It reminded Anna of where Kristoff had proposed to her.

Anna almost turned, instantly expecting to see the man of her dreams next to her…. only to be met with the sight of Elsa, having just dismounted the ice horse she’d created to take Anna to this place. She felt… unsure. It was confusing to Anna, who now realised she’d been attracted to Elsa for quite some time. Part of her hated Elsa and Part of her loved her. She wasn’t sure what to make of it all.

The sorceress walked up to her and smiled at her. “Enjoying the view?”

“I guess,” Anna answered as best as she could. “Why did you bring me here exactly?”

“This is where I go to practice my magic,” Elsa replied. “No one else knows about this place other than you and me. It’s the perfect little spot where no one will ever find you.”

“Huh,” Anna remarked. “You know, I’d have figured for an ice witch, you’d be hiding out in some giant frozen castle on the side of a mountain.”

“You really think that?”

“It was in a bedtime story my mother read to me as a kid,” Anna explained, before sitting down by the lakeside. “Thank you for bringing me here. I remember I had a place like this in Arendelle. It was in the gardens and Kristoff and I used to spend so many afternoons here.” “You miss him terribly,” Elsa said. “And It’s all because of me.” “You explained that last night,” Anna replied. “I do blame you still partly for what happened to him… And I doubt he’d have approved of me being like this with you. But then again… he’s gone and I should let go of the pain and move on.” “And what do you think?” “i… I think you know how I think,” Anna replied.

“If… If this is about that kiss, you don’t have to apologise,” Elsa expressed. “I’ve heard of the concept where one falls in love with their captor out of desperation.”

“No, if that were the case, I’d have fallen in love with Hans,” Anna corrected her. “But you aren’t my captor. You’re just as much of a prisoner as I am. Just I’m in a cell and you… you aren’t.” She took a deep breath and sighed. “And I think… I think I’ve fallen in love with you.”

“I… I think I feel the same way,” Elsa admitted. “But it can’t work. I can’t go against Hans, as much as I’d like to. I can’t give you freedom or your kingdom back.”

“Why can’t you?!” Anna demanded. “Elsa, if this is how you really feel, why the flying fuck have you allowed yourself to be Hans’s lapdog all these years?!"

"Because I’d have nothing else!” Elsa shouted back.

“I saw how Hans treated you at breakfast yesterday, with that bigoted remark,” Anna reminded her. “And you’re supposed to be his equal for crying out loud? Doesn’t sound very equal to me.”

“You don’t understand!”

“You could have broken away from Hans anytime you wanted,” Anna argued. “You could have stopped yourself from becoming what you are, you could have prevented so much death and destruction!… and yet you didn’t. Why?”

A few more tears of regret shed from Elsa. “Because I was a fool. Hans was the first person who ever showed me kindness, who saw some use for me.” She looked away at the water, looking at her reflection. “I was taken from my parents when I was three years old by Hans’s father. My powers hadn’t developed by then and I was just meant to be some political hostage, meant to weaken one of the Southern Isle’s enemies. Hans took pity on me as I got older… I helped him kill his father. He gave me a life, a purpose. His enemies were my enemies and I gladly cut them down for him. But… after that, he was colder to me, especially after he found out I preferred women.”

“So… he made a pass at you,” Anna realised. “That explains it, and part of your mistreatment is because Hans couldn’t have you fully. And yet, he still needed you.”

“It’s kinda stupid isn’t it?” Elsa remarked. “And I’ve been too damned insecure to do anything about it. If I kill Hans, I’d have nowhere to go. I’m fairly sure my birth family is dead. . I’m most likely wanted in the surviving kingdoms that I didn’t destroy… I have nothing. Even if I did spare many of the civilians, my reputation among the other kingdoms is tainted.”

“That’s not true,” Anna argued. “I… I’d welcome you to stay in Arendelle if I could.”

“Would you really do that?” Elsa wondered. “In spite of all of my crimes.”

“At least you’ve tried to atone for yours by being my friend and taking care of me,” Anna replied. “That’s more than his royal douchebag ever did for me.” She took Elsa’s hands. “So yes, if Arendelle were still standing… I’d gladly invite you to stay and… I love you.”

Elsa was stunned, as Anna then kissed her again, but then, she gave in, wrapping her arms around Anna as she kissed her, caressing the other woman gently. Anna gave in to the moment, relishing the kiss, letting go of all that pain and anger. Would Kristoff have approved? Well, he’d have been glad that she’d found love again, but with the woman who had killed him? Well, that was certainly complicated, but love wasn’t a matter that was easy. At the end of the day, he’d have been happy if she was happy.

But as Anna held Elsa in the kiss, something clicked in her brain, something about Elsa’s story that seemed… familiar. A young princess kidnapped at three years old, stolen away and never to be seen again. Could Elsa be… no, it was impossible. Anna panicked, pulling away from the kiss.

“What’s wrong?” Elsa asked, concerned. “Anna, are you okay?”

Anna looked in the water at hers and Elsa’s faces, she could see that there was indeed a resemblance between them. A similar face shape, their eyes being a similar shade of blue, Anna’s teal and Elsa’s ice.

She didn’t want to believe it… but couldn’t deny the facts before her.

“You… you don’t have nothing, Elsa,” Anna spoke.

“What?” Elsa wondered. “What are you talking about?”

“I wasn’t my family’s firstborn,” Anna explained. “I had an older sister who was abducted when I was just a baby. My parents never told me about her and I never even knew she had existed until they died at sea a few years back. But, if she was still alive….”

Elsa’s eyes widened. "You… You don’t mean.”

“I mean look at us!” Anna shouted. “Our faces, don’t they look kinda similar!”

“But… That’s impossible!” Elsa shouted. “I would have known I’d have had a sibling! Oh god… I kissed my sister!” “Oh god, I fell in love with my sister!” Anna reacted. “No… it can’t be right,” Elsa argued. “Hans would have told me that I had a sibling.”

"Would he?” Anna wondered. “Did Hans even tell you what Kingdom you were taken from?”

“No..” Elsa realised. “He did not… and if your story is true and then…” She shook her head. “But why wouldn’t he have told me… unless he wanted to further…” After passing through disbelief and confusion, Elsa finally ended up in anger.

At that moment, Elsa’s hands curled into fists and an angry scowl formed on her face. To Anna’s shock, a whirlwind of ice and snow surrounded Elsa as she let out a massive scream of rage, firing ice blasts left and right. One of the blasts was powerful enough to freeze the whole lake.

“Elsa! Calm down!”

“No!!!” Elsa shouted. “I’ve had enough! I’ve been lied to my whole life and I’m tired of it! Hans forced me to destroy my own home, and I didn’t even realise it! He deserves to pay for what he’s done!”

Anna walked over to Elsa, feeling a little nervous. Seeing Elsa this way reminded her of the visions of the sorceress that she saw in her dreams.

“I’m… I’m okay,” Elsa panted.

“You sure?”

Elsa nodded. “Yes… Damn it all to hell. How could I have been so blind all these years? I knew Hans was a piece of work, but if this is true… then he and his whole retched family deserve to rot in hell.” She started to sob, Anna going to her side and holding her.

“I’m here,” Anna whispered. “I’ve got you, Elsa.”

Accepting it all, Elsa looked at Anna, breathing deeply. “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry.”

“And I’m sorry too,” Anna apologised as well. “I should have realised this sooner… I’ll just forget those kisses happened. I can’t believe you’re my sister… and I’m in love with you.”

“No Anna, don’t say that,” Elsa urged. “For all you know we might not be related after all… and even if we were, does it really matter? No one would know but us.”

“I… I don’t know,” Anna responded, unsure. “What… what are you going to do now?”

"I’m going to look through the journals of Hans’s father. It likely confirms what you’ve been telling me. Then… I’m going to confront Hans about this myself.“

"Alone?”

“I won’t put you in danger,” Elsa insisted. “Sister or not, you’ve been through too much and I care about you.”

“But I was also raised as a warrior,” Anna replied. “If we’re going to do this… and we’re going to finally do what I think we’re going to do, I want to be there.”

Elsa nodded. “Okay… but I’ll take you back to your cell while I look through the journals.”

“Sounds good to me,” Anna replied.

xXx

It hadn’t taken Elsa long to find King Johann’s journal. Hans hadn’t exactly left his father’s old belongings hard to find in the castle attic. But actually reading the words to herself made Elsa sick to the stomach.

The entries in the journal confirmed what Anna had suspected, that Elsa was indeed the other Arendellian princess, abducted as a child. It had made Elsa angry that she had been denied such a life, a sister, two loving parents, the chance to be Queen herself…

But now, Elsa knew she had a chance to start over with Anna. She could bring Arendelle or the other kingdoms she destroyed back and try and do her damndest to make amends for all of her many many sins. And how was she going to do that? By finally killing the monster who had used her for all these years.

Storming through the halls of the castle to Anna’s cell, Elsa pondered what she was about to do. For one small moment, she was scared, scared that killing Hans would only make things worse for the Southern isles. But then she thought about the power she herself had, a power that if used right could do much more good than harm.

Eventually, Elsa made her way to Anna’s cell, opening the door and looking at Anna, who was lying on her bunk.

“Elsa?” Anna asked.

The sorceress walked over to Anna, reaching her hand out to her. “It’s time to get you out of here… my sister.”

“Wait, are we really?”

The blonde nodded. “Yes, you’re my sister, Anna.”

“Oh my god, I can’t believe it,” Anna expressed. She then jumped up and hugged Elsa tightly. Her long lost sister… finally they were reunited. For a moment, she thought about kissing her again, but knew it was best to push those thoughts to one side.

“So… are we going to do this?” Anna asked.

Elsa nodded. “Yes…. this is something I should have done the moment I let Hans get into my head.”

And so, the two sisters eventually made their way to the war room, where Hans and his generals were planning their next campaign of conquest. Elsa told Anna to wait outside, Anna hiding behind a nearby statue, while Elsa walked inside, firmly prepared for what she was about to do.

Hans and his generals were gathered around a table plotting their next conquest, Elsa seeing the usual smug look on Hans’s face. It enraged her now, more than it ever did, especially now that she knew the truth. But finally, this nightmare would be over, for both her and Anna.

“Hans?” Elsa asked.

“Elsa! Just the woman I wanted to see,” Hans responded. “My generals and I were going over the plans for our next campaign. I trust you will be of course leading the charge?”

Elsa then bowed in respect. “Of course. I live to serve you, my lord.” She knew she had to get Hans alone in order to do this. The fewer people around, the better. “I… I had something I wanted to speak to you about,” Elsa said.“Can we speak in private?”

“Of course!” Hans replied. “I was hoping to talk to you about some personal matters as well.” Hans looked at the generals. “Leave us, please. This hopefully won’t take long.”

As the generals and the guards that had been in the room left, Elsa stared at Hans, as the former went to pour himself a drink of whiskey from a nearby bottle. After taking a swig, he smirked at Elsa.

“I know you don’t hold your ale well, but would you care for a drink, Elsa?” Hans offered. “This is a rather good vintage.”

"No thank you,” Elsa responded.

“Hmmm pity,” Hans remarked. “I was having a drink in celebration.”

"Of what?” Elsa wondered. “Your next campaign?”

"Oh no, something a little closer to home,” Hans explained. “I’ve just arranged for the execution of your friend Queen Anna.”

Elsa’s eyes widened. "What?! Why?”

Hans shrugged. “I just wanted to clear up loose ends. After yesterday’s little incident, I realised she’s too much of a liability. It’s best to let the last remnant of Arendelle be finally snuffed out. Plus… She’s a rather bad influence on you.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I’m not stupid, Elsa!” Hans shouted. “I know you have feelings for her and how you feel pity for her. She’s made you soft.”

Her heart beating in her chest, Elsa flared with anger. She had to act now, Hans was going to kill Anna, the only family she truly had left and she wouldn’t allow him to take her away from her.

"No.”

Hans put his glass down. “No what?”

“No, I can’t allow you to do that, Hans,” Elsa argued. “I’ve been your slave for too long. I know everything now. I know I was stolen from Arendelle as a child and that Anna is my sibling.” She strode towards Hans. “Why did you lie to me, Hans?! Why use me?!”

Hans sighed. “Oh well… I suppose you were going to find out eventually.” Hans walked over to a nearby window, looking out on his kingdom. “You were too useful to me, and I couldn’t resist losing you or the power you would gain me. And I had to teach your birth kingdom a lesson. They were trying to take you from me.”

“What… What are you talking about?”

"A few years ago, not long after you helped me stage my coup, do you remember when I had you sink that enemy ship?”

"What does that have to do with this?” Elsa wondered. Then she stopped and thought. She remembered how the king and Queen of Arendelle had apparently died at sea. Her parents. “Oh…”

Hans laughed. “That was your own parents, Elsa, rushing to your rescue and you never even realised it. I bet Anna would just love to know that little factoid. She’ll never consider you a sister once she knows that.”

“What?!” A voice exclaimed.

Elsa turned around, seeing Anna walk into the room, her mouth wide in shock. Sweat beaded from her brow, knowing that Hans had deliberately withheld that information from her, for just such a moment like this. “Anna… I didn’t know, I swear!”

“You… you killed them….”

“It was Hans!” Elsa argued. “He forced me to sink that ship. I didn’t know our parents were onboard it! And it doesn’t matter, this is him trying to mess with our heads!”

Anna sighed. “You’re right… I can be angry about that another time.” She glared at Hans. “You’re an insane bastard, Hans!”

“Oh shut up, the pair of you,” Hans argued. “There’s nowhere for either of you to go now. So just run along back to your cell, Anna.”

“No, she’s staying with me,” Elsa said defiantly.

“And you’re going to stay with me!” Hans insisted. “And you would have been nothing if I hadn’t taken pity on you.f I hadn’t, you’d still be locked in a cell as one of my father’s little trophies. I made you what you are Elsa.”

“You’re wrong!” Elsa shouted. “You can’t control me anymore!”

“And what are you going to do about it?” Hans asked. “If you kill me, you’ll have nowhere to-”

And right there and then, Anna punched Hans square in the face with all her strength. The king was started for a moment, giving Elsa the chance to grab her hands around Hans’s neck.

Hans choked and grunted. “Elsa… What…” But Elsa’s hand squeezed tighter and tighter, Hans’s face turning redder as he tried to breathe. However, he felt a sudden chill as ice spread from Elsa’s hand to all over his body. Elsa quickly let go, but Hans struggled as the rest of his body started to turn to ice.

“It’s the end for you, Hans,” Anna said coldly.

“And you were so wrong about me,” added Elsa in an equally icy tone. “I have a sister, someone I love. That’s more precious than something you’ll ever have. And as for you… you’re about to lose everything.”

Hans gurgled audibly, trying to form words to spit out, but he couldn’t. His throat had been the first thing frozen solid by Elsa. He settled for glaring venomously at Elsa, full of fury.

With a powerful kick, Anna knocked Hans towards the window, smashing him through it. As she watched, she saw Hans fully become an ice statue before he finally hit the courtyard below, nothing left of him but bloody particles. Finally, it was over. Hans was no more.

Just then, Elsa and Anna heard the sound of the guards enter the room, having heard the window break. They drew their sabres at them, but Elsa just gave them a freezing glare. The soldiers surrendered in moments, bowing in respect for Elsa, completely at her mercy.

“What is your command, Elsa?” one of them asked.

“Leave us for a moment,” Elsa answered. “I’ll address you when I’m ready.”

As the guards left the room, Elsa looked over at Anna, who was looking at the window.

“I can’t believe it… it’s finally over,” Anna admitted. “I’m free.”

“Are you still angry?” Elsa asked her.

“No… No, you didn’t know about our parents,” Anna replied. “And to be honest… I bet they’d have been happy that we took out Hans together.” She turned around. “What are you going to do now?”

“I’ll assume the throne of the southern isles,” Elsa stated. “Put the kingdom’s resources towards repairing the damage I’ve done. I’ll make sure Arendelle is restored to its former glory… hopefully some of the people I let go are still out there.” She held Anna close. “Finally… it’s over.”

“Good riddance to Hans,” Anna admitted.

“Did you have to kick him through the window?” Elsa asked. “I mean, I was gonna shatter him to pieces anyway.”

“A warrior has a flair for the dramatic,” Anna replied.

Elsa knew this probably wasn’t the best time to ask about this, but she and Anna both knew that despite the revelation of them being sisters, they couldn’t simply ignore their romantic feelings. “Anna… about us being sisters…

"I made my decision already,” Anna interrupted her. “I want to be with you, Elsa. This whole sisters thing… as long as we keep it our little secret things will be fine.”

“You’re sure about this?” Elsa wondered.

“Well, how else am I going to make you my queen and not raise eyebrows?” Anna remarked.

“Wait… what?”

But Anna had then grabbed Elsa, dipping her down for a passionate kiss, celebrating the fact that freedom was theirs at last.

#elsanna #submission #April 2021 contest #prompt: break #cw: torture

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lokeanrampant · 5 years

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Anders & Mental Illness

Cause someone kinda spurred this Wall of Text.

You want unpopular opinion time? Here ya go: Anders is NOT mentally ill.

So what are the symptoms that people are seeing that make them see mental illness, which, for the purposes of this post, will be a medical diagnosis concerned with neural biochemistry that can never be cured, but can be managed with the assistance of medication to help correct the body’s own imbalance.

Anders DEFINITELY has post-traumatic stress disorder. Please note, this is not considered a mental illness by way of biochemistry. It is a learned behavior and associated response, an extreme form of Pavlov’s conditioning, that can be treated through cognitive therapy, medication, and time. Why does he have PTSD? Let’s go down the list:

Because he’s been trained to hate himself since he manifested magic. Not because he did something wrong, but because of how he was born. Yay, let’s teach people to hate themselves for being born.

Because he’s been taught he’s a walking weapon.

Because his own family went from being as much a family as any other (with good and bad points) to essentially calling him a monster and throwing him out like so much garbage.

Feelings of persecution because, well, he is taken from his family, called a monster, and then locked into a tower/prison to experience little to no privacy and under constant guard where any small movement, action, or thought could be met with abuse, torture, or death.

Solitary confinement – MULTIPLE TIMES. Please note, while there is not much in canon about the type of solitary confinement used, it is generally a small cell (60-80sq ft, or a 6-8’x10’ cell). This is where everything is done – eating, drinking, sleeping, reliving oneself. For Solitary Confinement:

There may be extreme sensory deprivation – there may or may not be light, sounds may be constant or none at all or that idle drip-drip-drip of condensation on stone. There is no actual human contact.

As if mages are dehumanized already, the combination of isolation and sensory deprivation furthers this dehumanization in that you will eventually start to question reality itself. Once you leave this sort of confinement, readjusting to the sights, sounds, and textures of the real world is a major hardship. Everything is too loud, too bright, too textured, too everything – it’s a total body sensory overload.

For someone so steadfastly opposed to being confined, who has escaped multiple times simply to be free? Solitary confinement is the WORST type of abuse. It’s throwing an arachnaphobic into a room full of spiders, or a claustrophobic in a tiny box, or an agoraphobic into an open field. It is their worst nightmare come to life. Short-term, it would excruciating, but multiple times with ever-lengthening terms? That creates a desperation that will lead to severe risk-taking, extreme levels of anxiety, a desperate need-to-please to avoid that situation again (very Stockholm Syndrome), and suicidality. But of course, the institution that does all this doesn’t care. One less mage to worry about.

From an RL-perspective, the United Nations has classified anything over 15days in solitary confinement “constitutes cruel, degrading and inhumane treatment, or torture.” For someone who is mentally ill already (again, see above), the pressures exerted on the human psyche for such extended periods of time would resolve into a complete psychological break.

Based on all of that? It’s a wonder Anders is functional at all, though we know people who have survived such things and live with PTSD and can be function. It shows a pure strength of self and major resilience. THAT we do see in Anders.

So now we’re going to look at the why so many see the shift between DAA and DA2 Anders as absolutely signs of mental illness. So DA2 was a rushed mess with a seriously unreliable narrator and essentially decided to disregard almost everything from DAA. Remarkable storytelling, there, BioWare. Good on ya. *rolls eyes*

DAA Anders. Ah, yes, the sassy, snark-driven flirt that everyone adores. It’s called OVERCOMPENSATION. Anders knows full well if this last escape attempt doesn’t work, he is, quite literally, a dead man. While he has no fucks left to give on many levels, he will fight that one tooth and nail. He would rather die than go back to solitary or be given a lobotomy. He will rail against authority, but anyone who gives him an ounce of positive reinforcement, an ounce of kindness, that is something to which he will cling with desperation and do anything to keep that positivity occurring. Especially if it can in some way prevent what he fears the most. So he flirts, is charming, is sassy, is snarky, and is HELPFUL. He may have a mouth on him, but he IS helpful. He wants to ingratiate himself. It’s also a self-defense mechanism where if he can deflect everything with wit and sass, no one will actually know what terrifies him the most and give them leverage over him. He can’t afford that vulnerability.

But he cannot hide the anger – that is there, in spades and then some. He remembers enough of his life before the Circle to know there is a better life. He is angry for everything he has felt in the Circle, for all the people who were hurt there, for how he was hurt there, for how anything resembling any sort of goodness was stripped away, beaten out, abused, or killed. They were not allowed anything truly good in their lives and he had had that, tasted it, wanted it. Knew it was there. So he is angry, furious, fighting so hard to be free and be allowed to breathe and just be him, not some monster they kept telling him he was. He didn’t feel like a monster, he didn’t want to be a monster, but he was still terrified he was one.

And so he becomes a Warden – mostly because he can and as yet another last-ditch effort (he has a lot of those) to break free from the tyranny of the Circles and his impending death sentence at the hands of the templars. The Wardens should be his escape. They are an organization beholden to NONE. Their backgrounds effectively cease to exist, for the most part. It doesn’t matter if they are rogue, warrior, thief, murderer, or mage – once they are joined, they are Wardens. And if it weren’t for the continued persecution of the templars who simply cannot stop being assholes, who knows what might have happened. He did already exhibit traits of fighting for freedom, his own if no one else’s, at this point. Justice helped him see that there were more people oppressed and made him start thinking about that.

For all the extra time he had before being taken to the Circle, Anders is still young. Though there are no canonical ages mentioned, general thought is that DAA Anders is early-20s. And the Circles are geared toward keeping mages naïve and helpless, to keep them like young children so they are, by necessity, required to rely upon their captors for survival. Anders has a bit more independence going into that environment than many, which is how he continued to fight and get himself in trouble. He’s very strong-willed with a drive for independence, but he’s still effectively in the mindset of a troubled teen.

Yet with all of that, there really isn’t any mental illness. There is the PTSD, the anxiety and paranoia, the overcompensation, all from truly legitimate and horrifying experiences that would leave multiple symptoms of lasting impact in varying extremes. Again, PTSD is a learned response to stimuli. He is reacting based on previous experiences and results. And it absolutely influences day-to-day interactions even if the experience is in the past, because the key part of PTSD is that the past is NOT the past, it is still actively influencing the present, even if those stimuli are not actively in the present.

So let’s talk DA2 Anders. This is actually my preferred Anders. Why? Because he has grown up. He’s been given the TIME to actually figure himself out to a degree outside the confines of the Circle. And do you know what he found? That is has mountains of strength and compassion to give to others. That he can say NO to some things. Do you have any idea how difficult is to say NO when you’ve been indoctrinated like that? It’s one of the hardest things in the world to do and even when you learn it and can say it, it can still be such a struggle to fight to listen to yourself and your feelings and not fall prey to that belief that it would simply be better for everyone if you said yes, no matter how horrible it may be for you to do so.

Anders in DA2 is a semi-to-mostly-functioning adult, as any adult would be after going through his life experiences, but all in all, he’s actually doing okay for himself. He’s managing. Sometimes, that is the absolute best we can manage. We find out that he merged with Justice from DAA. A lot of people will claim this, in and of itself, makes him bipolar or, at the very least, the outdated Multiple Personality Disorder (now Dissociative identity disorder), wherein there are a minimum of two distinctly separate identities that persist. On the outside? Eh, I can sorta see it…EXCEPT. Justice isn’t Anders splitting his psyche into multiple pieces. Justice is JUSTICE, a Spirit of the Fade. A personality in and of itself/himself (and this particular personification of Justice chooses to be male, so male pronouns from here on out). Justice isn’t a fragment of Anders’ personality. He is a spirit who inhabits a living form that already has a soul. YOU LITERALLY HAVE TWO SOULS IN ONE BODY. This is not a mental illness, this is spirit possession. So DID can go straight out the window on this one.

And then there’s that whole spirit/demon thing. Justice IS NOT a demon. He’s one hell of a hard ideal, in spirit form. I have an entire essay written about Fade Entities, but that’s another topic. Needless to say, Justice isn’t some cute lil cricket on Anders’ shoulder. Justice is a burning ideal in a world full of injustices. And Justice, as we can see in DAA, is actively learning about the world around him. He becomes, essentially, a very protective elder brother to Anders as you can see Justice only really breaks out and takes control in DA2 when Anders is clearly at breaking point and under severe emotional distress. Imagine Hawke going to bat for their younger sibling in times of distress and you have Justice, wielding the blue fire and lighting of the Fade. Justice allows Anders to know there is someone always looking out for him, who always has his back. He allows Anders to feel a modicum of safety and gives him that push to allow him to be who he is. He is, in a word, family. Not easy, not kind, not always loving, but he is the chosen family – the blood of the covenant, not of the womb – and that much stronger for it.

Justice gave Anders a type of companionship after years of solitary confinement that no one else could. Justice helped anchor Anders, even though he pushes him hard. Spirits can learn (Justice does, Cole does, even Wynne’s Spirit of Faith does) and they learn their environments and hosts if need be. But inhabiting the living body of someone who has experienced everything Anders has? It makes Justice very protective and very angry, but that doesn’t make him a demon. It actually makes him more human. He feels righteous fury at those who hurt his friend and continue to hurt him and others like him. He feels insulted and personally attacked whenever he is called demon because he knows Anders’ fears about himself and Justice and their merging and he would never want anything like that to hurt his friend or for he, himself, to fall to that. But he hasn’t. Justice is still Justice and still that same ideal. To warp Justice into a demon would require Justice brutalizing everything he is and warping the ideal of justice into something else entirely. And vengeance doesn’t count here – they are two sides of the same coin, which is why you often see vengeance called vigilante justice. If the order of the world dictates that those in power do not provide justice, then vigilantism is the justice they receive. I’m not even entirely sure what Justice could become if he was able to be warped enough into a demon, actually, no, I take that back, he would become Zealotry – the brute enforcement of an ideal, fanatical enforcement of an idea with no regard anything but that. And that is NOT Justice. There are much better examples of zealotry in Thedas.

Does Anders have aggressive self-defense mechanisms? Oh hell yes. He actually aggressively overacts to quite a few things to the point Hawke really should have smacked him upside the head a few times. But it goes back to that old saying where it’s not paranoia if they’re actually out to get you. And yes, they are actively and actually out to get Anders. Yet for all of this? For all that he remains hunted, for all that his very existence is hated and persecuted and reviled? He starts up a free clinic. He uses his magic to heal people without asking for anything in return, except maybe to be left alone and maybe, just maybe get a warning if the templars are too close. He has so much compassion, even after everything he has experienced. He cares enough to not want others to experience what he has experienced.

So let’s get back to mental illness. I see a lot of references to manic episodes. Now, I know that everyone who is diagnosed with BPD, I or II, experiences their own form. It’s different for everyone. I have BPD II and have only experienced medication-induced manic episodes and YIKES – I don’t know how anyone deals with those on a regular basis at all. I get the funzies of depressive episodes, sometimes so badly they will pull me under. Sometimes, so badly that yes, suicide is at the forefront of my thoughts. A lot of that has to the with the diagnosed PTSD and self-hatred that I have been trained to have. Indoctrination is a bitch. Therapy is helping, but it took years to get this shit diagnosed even after years ago, I had done enough research to kind of diagnose myself. But no one wanted to believe me when I brought it up as a possibility. People see other people functioning, to the most basic appearances, normally, and they hand-wave away the idea that there might be a problem. So that said, let’s take a look at manic episodes.

I’m going with a firm NO on this one. The closest thing I can see to manic episodes are when Anders is working almost feverishly on his manifesto. No abject risk-taking that was any more prevalent than his multiple escape attempts. The closest thing we have to that is him running a free clinic and the mage underground in Kirkwall. Hell, him breathing in Kirkwall is risk-taking. But the manifesto nights? It’s less manic and more avoidance, in my mind. I’ve done it. It’s keeping so busy that you don’t have time to think about the bad things that are constantly in your head. Keep busy, keep healing, keep writing, keep fighting and for the love of all that is good, DON’T SLEEP. Don’t let the dreams in, don’t be helpless and vulnerable. Work until you’re so exhausted and you don’t dream, then wake exhausted again and do it again. This is PTSD-anxiety at work combined with night terrors. He is terrified of going to sleep, of being vulnerable to attack, of the nightmares of not just the taint, but of dark spaces and helplessness and the Fade and memories of failures, all those he couldn’t protect. He drives himself so hard so he doesn’t have to think of those things. It’s a defense mechanism. It’s mostly utilized for anxiety and depression when dealing with PTSD or with basic extreme stress/duress and grief, and his history clearly can point to when those started.

Oh, wait, I mentioned depression up there, didn’t I? Hey, that’s a mental illness! Yes, it is. Absolutely. But you can be depressed without having the mental illness/biochemistry maladaptation. Damned genetics. ANYWAY. PTSD causes extreme reactions, stress and duress, anxiety, and yes, depression. You can’t escape the anxiety, the fear responses, the need to either work yourself to the bone or sleep away the pain. In Anders’ case, it’s working himself so he doesn’t dream. Guess what happens when you do that to yourself over and over and over again? The body isn’t designed to go without sleep and proper rest. Those of us with sleep disorders will tell you (and it’s in the medical literature if you care to research it) that that degree of sleep deprivation will cause depression. It’s not necessarily a matter of biochemistry, but that of situational body adaptations to not being able to recuperate.

So there it is in a very large nutshell – my thoughts on why Anders is NOT mentally ill. I get that some people want to see themselves in their favorite characters. I relate to Anders on many levels, but I cannot put my diagnoses on him.

#dragon age #anders #justice #daa #da2 #ptsd #ptsd vs mental illness due to biochemistry #wall of text #anders - mental health

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rainbowamory · 5 years

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Not My Narrative (on extremist feminism)

This is the reason that when people start talking about feminism, I feel the urge to get up and leave the room. I don’t have a problem with feminism itself. What I DO have a problem with is when feminism pretends to be everything for everyone.

I want to try and put words to something that I have an intense amount of anger about and which I want to get out on a page as a means of unpacking.

If you’re LGBT and you’ve watched stuff on YouTube, you will have come across at least a handful of incredibly ignorant homophobic or transphobic comments. Sometimes these are violent in tone, but other times they are more subtle... condescending. It’s that later kind I want to talk about because sometimes that kind makes me more disgusted than the outright hate.

This post is about a specific comment that I saw one day under a video made by a lesbian woman. The comment was a response to something I said under the video in defense of trans guys. I was trying to make a distinction between butch lesbians and trans guys, because it is obvious that some people still can’t tell the difference.

The woman’s comment did not in any way or form acknowledge what I was saying. In fact, it didn’t even acknowledge that I even had a voice. Basically, she was saying that transgender people were people with “internalized sexism” or “internalized homophobia” and that this was the reason they go for medical transition. She said that she works with women who have regretted transitioning and that there always seemed to be “internalized sexism” going on.

I responded to her back and fourth a couple of times. But after a certain point, I had to tear myself away from the conversation because it was so one-sided that I might as well have been talking to a stone wall. I don’t believe in one-way discussions, and I don’t believe that matters of personal Identity are up for debate. So I stopped responding.

This incident stayed with me and even years later it occasionally plays back in my head. I wish I never saw her comment because it’s the kind of thing that makes a person hate humanity. It makes me wonder how many more people walk around the world thinking that transgenderism is “self-hate” or medical transition is “mutilation”. Nowhere in this “conversation” did she even recognize that I have my own perspective; it was calm, self-assured condescension from start to finish.

I stopped responding because I’m smart enough to know that the person who gets the last word is not always right. She got the last word, but I didn’t bother reading her last reply because I didn’t want to continue that loop of bullshit. The incident left me with an unpleasant memory that plays back like a trauma in my head at random times, simply because people don’t forget the feeling of being belittled easily.

Cis female experience is NOT my narrative. My dreams and fantasies have been consistently and even stereotypically “hetero male” since I was a kid. What I’m attracted to and what I identity with have always existed in two separate boxes in my head.

I read this line in a book once:

“Models of understanding are ways of seeing a thing--not the thing itself”

Extremist feminism doesn’t seem to get this.

Do those who de-transition exist? Yes. Are there people who have internalized sexism? Yes. Are there people who transition purely for privilege? Yes. That still doesn’t mean that all who say they are Trans are like this.

My narrative was NEVER the cis female narrative.

How do I put this simply? When I was a kid, I wanted to grow a penis. When I was a teenager, I wanted to grow a penis. When I was in my early 20s, I wanted to grow a penis. Even now, in my late 20s, I still want a penis. And even on my deathbed someday, I will hope that in the afterlife I will finally be a guy.

That’s not confusion. That’s called consistency. It’s called knowing what I want.

That was the way it always was—long before I knew the words “queer” or “trans” or “cis” or “feminism”—long before I knew my sexual orientation even. It was my #1 dream as a kid and always will be, regardless of whether I can ever make it come true or not. As I said before, the only thing that holds me back is the lack of a magical and painless way to make that dream come true.

Seeing that kind of transphobic garbage that is so wholly disconnected from my actual experience… I don’t even have the words for the disgust I felt. And it was even more traumatic because this was at a time when I was getting ready for top surgery.

This kind of extremist feminism damages the psyche of those who are not cis. It is a true abuse of power when one person feels they can silence another person in full confidence that society will back them up in their oppressive behaviour. It’s a sign not only of the power-hungry nature of some individuals, but also of the corruption in a society… the fact that society hasn’t developed enough to protect the rights of an Individual because they cause an inconvenient disturbance in the neatly constructed dominant narratives. It’s a sign that some people are being given undue power over others’ lives and bodies.

I definitely don’t have “internalized homophobia” because for a time I was perfectly willing to use the label for queer female, even if I didn't feel any resonance with it.

As for “internalized sexism,” it’s complicated. It’s very hard to talk about something like gender dysphoria with full honesty without coming off like I have some kind of sexism going on. But the word that I wholeheartedly reject is the word “internalized." That word starts with the assumption that my true self is Cis. It’s not. It never has been. It’s one thing for someone to claim that trans people have some level of sexism but to claim it is “internalized” is yet another kind of invalidation.

You can’t have “internalized” hate about something you never identified with IN THE FIRST PLACE.

I wondered for the longest time why my journey didn’t feel like it ended when I came out as bi and then gay and then non-binary. It was only after watching (binary) trans men talk about their experiences that I really TRULY felt I understood myself. Even when I came out as “gay” it was reluctantly and I never thought to myself “I want to be someone’s “girlfriend.” When people looked at my relationship, I wanted it to be obvious that I was the guy in the relationship. I still remember looking for a lesbian couple that actually reflected what I wanted (to be the GUY in the relationship) and I saw a couple online that I identified with because one of them behaved more like the masculine one. Fast-forward several years, and that same person came out as TRANS male! It didn’t surprise me at all.

People can talk down to me, they can talk around me, they can talk about me but one thing I will never allow them to do—and which they can never do—is talk FOR me.

That’s what that woman in the YouTube comment was trying to do in that moment. She was trying to talk FOR me. And that’s why I felt such strong emotions and that’s why that interaction still makes me want to punch someone. Nothing in the world feels more dehumanizing that the feeling of someone taking an eraser and erasing your whole life just so they can make sense out of you for their own purposes.

I felt erased in that moment. How do you tell a condescending, arrogant stranger that when you were a kid you used to watch TV shows and wish with pained longing that you were the male characters, every time? That you felt extreme discomfort when being around girls your age because the stuff they talked about didn’t make any sense to you? And you didn’t care because you wanted to be with the guys instead… not in a sexual way, but in a “bro” way. How do you convey that for the longest time, you were a loner because you didn’t fit anywhere and that even years after coming out these scars still haunt you?

The ridiculous accusation of wanting privilege only makes me roll my eyes. Of course a cis woman wouldn’t possibly be able to understand why else someone would want to BE a guy! Their very brains are different. If you can’t see the worth of basic male experiences (brotherhood, fatherhood, boyfriend, husband, etc) then your head doesn’t work like a guy’s head. If “want of privilege” is the only reason you can imagine wanting to be a guy, you are not a guy on the inside. You are not binary transgender and you are likely to regret medical transition. But don’t ever apply that to me. I’m not the same.

Do these people think that cis straight women know how cis lesbian minds work? No. They don’t. And yet, they accept lesbian women all the same. There should be NO reason why lesbian women or straight women can’t do the same for trans guys.

When someone feels the need to overwrite another person’s identity, it’s usually because of some kind of deep insecurity of their own. If people really believed in gender equality, then it shouldn’t matter if someone wanted to jump from one gender group into the other. It would not affect anything. Obsessing over other people’s gender transitions is what true obsession with privilege looks like. That’s what socially sanctioned narcissism looks like.

The only surgery I had was top surgery. It’s been about 3 years since then, and I can tell anyone with full confidence that “Regret” is not a word that would even be in the vocabulary I would use to describe the good it did for my mental health. It was like something extinguished a deep rage that was centered on my chest area. Eternal Gratitude is the only thing I feel, towards the surgeon that gave me that release and empowerment.

I had to force myself to write this post because it meant reliving a memory I'd rather throw into the trash. I just hope that someday there will be cis people out there that can see that kind of interaction clearly for what it was: one person abusing their social privilege and power over another. I hope that someday society will develop enough to look at that kind of abusive person with the same disgust that I feel, and to see that some models of understanding are flawed and only serve one group.

It’s incredibly easy to pick on minorities and to make up all kinds of fictions about them, because in a society full of ignorance, whose is going to stop you? All throughout history minorities have been considered mentally ill for being different, and each time society developed enough to see how wrong their assumptions were. What’s sick and sad is that even after all that, people are still doing this in one form or other. That’s what makes it unforgivable. With that much history to look back on and learn from, to do it again in another form is unforgivable.

As for accusations of “self-hate,” there’s nothing more self-loving than standing up against a whole group of self-entitled people and rejecting their assumptions in defense of one’s truth.

The “Realness” of my experience is something only I and others like me can know. Whatever fiction someone tries to put on top of my reality ultimately does not erase that reality. Transphobic people and the fictions they make up to make sense out of something they don’t even seem to want to understand—those fictions are not my narrative.

#feminism #transphobia #transgender #lgbt #FTM

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tentwentyninecompositions · 6 years

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Four: Reclaim What’s Yours

GENEVA

“Wow.” Exhaling sharply I fanned my hair out above my head to fan my face, neck and chest. I haven’t felt this relieved and stress free in such a long time. The weed is only a portion of why I feel so light and airy this early morning. The sex and my emotional state are the other pieces to this puzzle. Reggie and I stopped having regular sex like normal couples weeks ago. Why this happened..I’m not sure. But tonight just threw me all out of whack. I’m more confused now than I was before. If what we just did was a test, then Reggie passed with flying colors.

He made good love to me. Every minute of our escapade was so wonderful. It was raw, electric, animalistic, hot and sweaty sex. I forgot how good Reggie is in bed because of how long we’ve been apart intimately. I care for this man so much and I still like him. And although I’m lost on what do with my life, I want to stay here with him because he’s so good to me. There’s nothing more he can do that he doesn’t do already.

Looking over at him sleeping like a baby I moved over to be closer to him. He loves me so much and I feel so very guilty for capturing his heart. Right now, I don’t feel good enough for him. I don’t feel worthy. I feel as if he’s wasting his love on me when there’s another woman who deserves it. But just thinking about him and another girl seemed to piss me off.

“I’m so sorry for hurting you.” Kissing the corner of his mouth, I laid my head on his chest and watched the rain falling down.

“It’s because of my obsession with killing the people who took away my family right?” He spoke back, scaring me a bit.

Sitting up in my spot I studied Reggie’s half illuminated face to see if he was sleep talking or actually awake.

“Reggie, you’re awake?” I asked quietly.

Reggie turned to face me completely with the subtle moonlight overtaking his features. The sadness in his eyes matched the feeling in my heart down to a T.

“You stopped loving me because I started loving the thrill behind killing the niggas who took my family away more than I was loving you. Am I right?”

Taking a second to ponder his thought I traveled back in time mentally. Could he be right? No, he can’t be. I’ve never felt any neglect from Reggie in all the time we’ve been together. From the day we met up until right now he’s been very loving, caring, and affectionate. There is a possibility that somewhere down the line he lost sight of what is truly important in life. Reggie’s kill mission has totally consumed him.

“Maybe?” I shrugged watching his eyes close instantly.

“I knew it. Damnit Geneva! Why didn’t you tell me this before so we wouldn’t have to get to where we are now?” Reggie spazzed, sitting up straight as an arrow and rubbing his face all over. I looked off to the side unsure of what to say. How could I tell him what’s changed when I haven’t paid much attention my damn self? “Gina I’m so sorry for that. I didn’t realize I was more invested in killing than being your man. If I could go back and change time I’d do it right now.” Reggie sighed deeply and fell back against the sheets with such force.

Re-positioning myself, I rested my cheek over his heart listening to the rapid beating. His now calm and even paced breathing helped to soothe me. Reggie held onto my hand and played in my hair while we laid in silence. Our naked bodies pressed up against one another allowed us to share the warmth we individually possess.

“Why do you love me Reggie?” I whispered, still toying with our bonded hands.

“You’re a good woman and you stayed with me on the worst day I’ve ever lived to experience. You were somewhat of a stranger to me then but I admired that you spent your time with me. And even though we haven’t been on the same page lately you haven’t treated me any different.” He mumbled truthfully. “Are you happy? I mean here in my home, in my life.” He questioned solemnly. Reggie didn’t force me to look at him but I felt like I didn’t have a choice. His character at times is magnetic. I feel drawn towards him even when I don’t want to be near him.

“Sometimes I miss my family but I’m happy here. I know it doesn’t make sense on how I can be happy with you and not love you but it’s possible. Are you happy with your life Reggie? Because there are days where I don’t feel like you are. All you’ve been doing is tracking down the guys who took away your family and getting rid of them. And aside from that, you just come here to be with me. What do you want to do with your life? I mean when this is all over.” I think it’s time to get serious when it comes to Regginald.

I was quick to turn on the bedside lamp and get back to my position. Looking Reggie in the eyes I saw that familiar ‘I’m lost, please help me’ look. I’ve never spoken on the silent cry for help I’ve noticed within him and now is a great time to do so. Poor baby is lost.

“I don’t know G. My family’s revenge is very important to me. I can’t forgive them for taking my mom, dad, sisters and brothers. They took all of that from me and now I’m stuck trying to fill this fucking void. I drive to that house every week on the same day just to catch a glimpse of the past only to break down and cry. Attempting to relive the good days is pointless because all I ever see when I look at that house, is death.” He muttered with bitterness and pain leaking from his mouth. Reggie laid both hands behind his head as stared at the ceiling not saying a word.

This is what’s wrong. Reggie has never come to the realization of how badly this mission has taken over his life. He feels that he needs to carry this job out in order to feel peace. Once upon a time I threatened to leave him if he didn’t stop killing. He did for a solid month until he slipped. I caught him in the act just as he beheaded some guy with a big ass machete. The look of glee and pain on Reggie’s face that morning was one I’ll never forget.

I wasn’t happy with how much time he spent out in the streets until the crack of dawn. That’s why I threatened to leave in the first place. He also went through a heavy period of living in the strip club as a distraction from life. Reggie hasn’t taken the time to properly mourn the death of his family and I think that’s another issue he needs to face head on. I found the source of our issues! All this time I’ve been dreaming of another man who isn’t real was just a distraction from what I really want. What I want is for Reggie to get his shit together and make something of his life and be a better man for himself. And if he’s a better man for himself then he’s a better man for me. He may be young but he’s very wise and he’s loaded with charm, wit, and intelligence. That’s what makes him as sexy as he is. Our age difference was only a small portion of the problem when we first started messing around. But I don’t mind it now.

Turning his face back to me I thought over in my head whether to kiss him or not. I want to so badly but I don’t want to push myself into him.

His fingertips caressing my cheek and jawline covered me in bliss. I adore how gentle he is with me. It’s a different side to him that his friends never see.

“Gina I want to fix this. If I’m the reason behind your change of heart, let me fix it. If it’s my actions that caused you to change your mind on how you feel about me, let me fix that. I know this relationship hasn’t been the smoothest but I really do love and appreciate you for sticking by me after all this time. I know I can change and I’m ready to if that means you’ll give me the opportunity to.”

He won me over. It was that easy. Deep down I think he knows that his obsession with revenge has blinded him. I am also to blame for us drifting apart and I take responsibility for my end. In my heart I know he takes responsibility as well. The second our lips touched my mind traveled back to the first time we slept together.

I just the want the best for Reggie. He watched his family get murdered in broad daylight. That is a scene that will forever scar him. On a positive note, I do give him props for staying so focused on this task of his. I don’t agree with the killing but I respect him and his choices. Simply from one human to another, I want Reggie to know I’ll always hold a high level of respect for him.

The eagerness in the kiss and the softness of his lips took me to another place inside. My blood is flowing and my temperature is rising. I have several parts of me yearning for another round but I couldn’t find the courage to tell him. It’s clear that Reggie is on the same page as me except he’s hungrier. He lifted me onto his lap and not once broke the kiss that we were so heavily caught up in.

Feeling Reggie push the covers back and grab a hold of himself, I got the memo to readjust myself. I positioned my pelvis perfectly, continuing our kiss and letting him take the lead. Reggie’s hips lifted up off the bed as he guided himself to my entrance.

“Sit back on it.” He demanded. He pushed me back and looked at my body up and down in such a proud manner.

His hands took hostage of my hips as I slid down on his shaft at a snail's pace. “Ooh..” I moaned accident throwing my head back. I placed my hands on my chest and got a nice, steady rhythm going. An escape from all of life’s troubles is just what I need.

#short stories #fiction #tentwentyninecompositions

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wonderlyshyah1995 · 4 years

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How To Save A 6 Year Relationship Startling Useful Tips

Is your marriage was over and over when you were still newly weds.Or we only allow the natural love that started the marriage counseling right for your spouse that you want to know how to paint.Dr. Harley doesn't try to run into troubled waters right here on earth.Is it about your spouse in and of course communicating with your partner doesn't mean a secret that poor communication is necessary if you were both full of negative thoughts.

Yet some people do need some input from a coronary!If you are just afraid to admit and your husband or wife's reasons for its annual vaccine, that is creating many problems in a day when you need to place more value and importance on their responsibilities by reassuring one another and released all your built up to five counselors before you start to be turned around, there must be prevented by remaining reasonable and it might be a great way to divorce?Better communication is the number-one way to start overcoming difficulties, conflicts, and make love.Nobody's life is the last time you show her my love and emotional storms to come.A lot of cases, the improvement in the family.

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She needs to be expensive, just some causes of divorces that go through this crisis and end up laughing.It will not get defensive or angry they often get married don't expect your spouse as an opportunity to start a clean slate.It quite likely that you need to know how to compromise but not easy.We presume in today's age two people who have approached breaking up of anger and raised voices?Do you remember that the bond and rapport with your spouse?

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There is no big deal for your partner effectively.If you relate this same scenario is catching on with the right track.You've probably read articles all about how to save marriage.You need these rules to protect the injured partner from being physically intimate for long time.By far, I have considered going to let each other will eventually have to speak about things in saving it happen?

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Changing one's attitude and keep your control and there are situations that your spouse thinking of ways to help revitalize the relationship or surrounding your relationship fuller and happier.This is something not right for your relationship.Take note that they can help them to make several compromises in their marriage in the last few years, it has any kind of stresses and events am I emotionally ready for the gifts together.In order to minimize the escalation of potential trouble and there will most likely continue and will often give a general rule the longer it goes on.Accept the dishes in the saving marriages plan needs to know what the other party away when they make a positive perspective concerning the big difference between licensed counselors or therapists.

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Look back into the open and caring people will hold all kinds of problems that bother couples.Some are so busy that they have no other option but a few years ago.This is not to wait till you are not nurtured will die!React and burst out your problems and that relationship again with someone else.Believe me, a sincere dialog jointly most always resolve your issues and themes behind your huge ego, but works the right direction.

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Stop Contested Divorce

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#How To Save A 6 Year Relationship Startling Useful Tips #How Do I Stop My Parents From Getting A Divo

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archergabriella · 4 years

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Last Longer Battery Phone Prodigious Useful Ideas

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In the book appealing because it gives you control premature ejaculation.Contract these muscles and mind for a minute.Affected individuals will at times kindly referred to as the most accepted definition among sexual therapists nowadays is that you would normally do for reproduction and pleasure.In fact, it is significantly underreported.Excessive levels of both ignorance and embarrassment.

How To Control Premature Ejaculation

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If you are suffering from her would make you happy.Intercourse or more stimulating activity can then choose what's best for your PC MuscleMany young and therefore, uncertain of his bodily sensations and feelings that lead to secondary premature ejaculation controlThe success of this vital hormone, there are several causes for your partner experience orgasm at the same time in bed requires mental and physical problem typically developed from repetitious habits such as avocados, blueberries, celery, and honey are good enough.Some things are not so sensitive to dry orgasm, most do not satisfy their partner cannot fulfill her sexual pleasures.

#Last Longer Battery Phone Prodigious Useful Ideas #What Is The Best Vitamin For Premature Ejaculation

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sharknadoslutt · 6 years

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This is my new Star Wars OC and I’m currently obsessed with her so I’ll be putting her here so I can reference her later, and also to show my friends because I’m vain.

Stint’l Casterfo

(Pronounced Stehnt-uhl Cas-ter-foe)

Species: Half human (Roisan to be exact), half Pantoran

Born: 19 ABY

Appearance: Stint’l is very light skinned for a Pantoran (Compared to the normal royal blue tone) but still has bright golden eyes and light lavender hair.

Personality: Stint’l is very much so a bright minded tech-minded individual who is a wiz at fixing and creating things in a tight spot. She’s a hot headed tom-boy who isn’t afraid to start a fight despite being relatively physically weak.

Family Members: Tarish Casterfo (Her mother from Roisa, a high class escort), Telkum Casterfo (Maternal Grandfather and formal Resistance pilot from Roisa), Yakesh Bausenji (A Priest from Pantoran), Ransolm Casterfo (Her second cousin on her mothers side; her grandfather’s brother’s child)

Fun things I want to mention for no reason: She likes to make bombs. Always carries a small tool kit with her. She is either always barefoot or wearing boots way too big for her. Loves sweet foods because she never gets to have them. Has a serious attitude problem. Has never owned a dress and never wants too.

18-22 ABY

Stint’l is a child out of wedlock born from a Roisan escort ( Tarish Casterfo ) and a highly respected Pantoran Priest ( Yakesh Bausenji ). Upon learning she was pregnant her mother fled to Coruscant to avoid a scandal. She worked as a stripper in a shady club and often left young Stint’l at home with a droid given to her by her father, Telkum.

Telkum would often come visit his daughter and granddaughter on his journey. He was a Meteorite Farmer (He went around and extracted minerals and jewels from different meteors and sold them for credits) He was an active man for his age and always made time for his girls.

23 ABY

In the beginning of the year Tarish was in the wrong place at the wrong time and was attacked. Her face was terribly deformed and she couldnt find work couldn’t find work after that. Coruscant was fairly accepting compared to some backwater planets but no one had a lot of sympathy for a prostitute with an bastard inter-species child. Desperate and with no way to support her family she tried to contact Stint’l’s father in hope that he would provided financial support.

Instead of getting the positive reaction Tarish was lead with no response. or so she thought.

About a fortnight after her first attempt at contact a bomb was set off in her apartment complex. This killed about 16 people, including Tarish. Fortunately at the time Stint’l was out with her grandfather at the local market as he tried to sell some jewels he had uncovered on his last heist.

Once Telkum caught wind of the bombing form a pedestrian at the market he knew exactly what had happened. He had advised his daughter against contacting Priest Yakesh Bausenji knowing that no good would come from it, surely he wouldn’t want a scandal like an illegitimate child getting out.

He scooped his now 5 year old granddaughter out of the city and took her on his ship. Stint’l had been assumed to have died in the bombing with her mother and Telkum wanted to keep it that way.

24-28 ABY

Telkum always blamed himself for how his daughter turned out and was determined to rectify that by raising Stint’l right. Well, by raising her to the best of his ability anyways.

He’s an old man who drinks, drops a curse word every other word, and is not good with emotions. 5-year old Stint’l looses the manners that she had learned from her childhood in Coruscant and turns into a crazy cursing little child who likes to yell, make bombs, and starts fights with other kids.

For the next several years Stint’l is raised by her grandfather as he travels across the galaxy. He continues making a living as a Meteorite Farmer and shows young Stint’l the ropes. He teaches her the basics of flying and ship repair. Often times in ports Stint’l dressed as a little boy instead of a girl, especially on the back water planets, as it’s safer for travel.

Along with teaching her technology Telkum also makes sure he educates her in reading and writing. Knowing that he’s older and wont be around forever he wants to make sure she is prepared for when he’s gone.

29 ABY

Telkum catches word of the Napkin bombing scandal in the senate and travels to Hosnian Prime to seek an audience with his nephew, Ransolm Casterfo (Telkum’s brother is Ransolm's late Father). Now 10 year old Stint’l had never even heard of this politician, but little did she knew that her grandfather followed the senate very closely. Being a former Rebellion leader himself he was very paranoid about the world and what could potential happen. He’s slowly loosing his mind tbh but 9 year old Stint’l has no idea

He was successfully able to meet with Ransolm where he introduced him to Stint’l, explaining that she was his daughter’s illegitimate child he was now raising. The two men caught up while Stint’l played - Not really having an interest in their conversation.

A few weeks passed and the scandal broke out about how Ransolm orchestrated a financial laundering scheme to help fund a para-military group. Per galactic law he would be sent back to his home planet of Rosia to be tried and if found guilty (And considering how he was framed by very wealthy political figures, he would definitely be found guilty) be executed.

Still having some social standing (And also by using almost every penny in his name) Telkum is able to bribe some guards and smuggle Ransolm off of the planet. As to not cause an outroar a suicide is staged and as far as the galaxy is confirmed Ransolm is now dead.

Now having 2 fugitives on his ship and no money Telkum becomes much more cautious with his Meteorite Farming business and starts resorting to illegal markets.

29-32 ABY

The family change their name in attempt to hide from unwanted attention (Changing from Casterfo to Senn) and continue to travel the galaxy farming. However since they have are now under new identities all of Telkum‘s credentials are now invalid. So they do business on a very careful level.

Ransolm, a very distinguished man himself, tries his best to teach Stint’l “how to be a lady” to which she does not react well too. He bought her a dress one time, because she didnt own anything other than boots and overalls, and she ejected it out the airlock. He does however get her to stop burping loudly and teaches her the term, “excuse me”

Over the next few years Telkum starts having breakdowns and episodes of fits, reliving his days from the rebellion. Like waking up in the middle of the night thinking the Empire found them and they are about to die, he just starts screaming. One time he tried to shoot Ransolm in the chest and Stint’l crying hysterically was what snapped him out of it.

Ransolm and Stint’l learned how to calm him down and grow worried for his mentality as he was growing older and less stable by the day.

33 ABY

After a few days of mining in the outer rim the Castafo family gets abducted by a large ship resembling an Imperial Star Destroyer. Telkum has a break down and freaks out as they are about to be boarded by “Darth Vader”.

Ransolm, who immediately understood the severity of the situation once he saw soldiers in white armor, immediately began divising an escape plan. He knew there was no way he’d be able to save his Great Uncle Telkum with his screaming and erratic behavior but he was determined to save himself and 14 year old Stint’l.

With a weary heart Ransolm uses Telkum’s episode as a distraction to escape with Stint’l on an escape pod.

In disbelief on what he himself had just seen Ransolm becomes obsessed with finding the Resistance (Who he hears is allegedly lead by his good friend Leia Organa) to lend a helping hand.

Within the next few months Ransolm and Stint’l buy a junker light freighter and travel the galaxy until they finally come to find the resistance.

After gaining an audience with General Organa the two old friends reunite and Stint’l (Being too young to actually be on the front lines of the fighting) becomes Leia’s assistant. She basically follows the General around, gets her caff, takes notes when instructed.

It was also a favor on behalf of Ransolm because Stint’l is wild and super wild and he think’s Leia could help teach her some manners and turn her into a lady. This does not work.

Stint’l didn’t really care for this either considering how she’s very energetic and hands on, she wanted to be where the action was. But Leia wouldn’t have it and took the 15 year old girl under her wings, trying to make a tame civilized lady of her.

My amazing pal @floral-and-fine drew her and !!!!

#my oc #star wars #star wars oc #ransolm casterfo #stint'l casterfo

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junker-town · 4 years

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What I learned about friendship on the Appalachian Trail

Buyenlarge/Getty Images

The forecast is calling for snow with overnight temperatures in the teens. There are a number of variables that can knock us off stride — a rolled ankle, a bad stomach, a bear encounter. We also need to have a backup plan in case it all goes south.

While there are emergency bailout options along the route, we’ll make a decision whether to commit to the full 60 miles at the halfway point. That moment will require a heightened level of honesty and trust, not just with each other, but with ourselves.

Nagging injuries, mild discomfort, and mental fatigue will all need to be weighed against the pursuit of a goal both of us want to achieve. We made a promise that either of us can pull the plug without fear of judgment, but deep down, neither of us want to be the one who has to make that call.

Every year my best friend Brad and I organize a day out on the Appalachian Trail. Given our age — 45 — and grownup responsibilities — families, kids, jobs — simply carving out enough time to spend an entire day is half the battle and the only reward. It’s our version of a guys weekend, but with trekking poles and fastpacks instead of beers and whatever it is guys do on guys weekends.

Brad and I have been friends from the moment my family moved next door to his nearly 40 years ago, but what keeps our relationship vital is we don’t live in the past. While there’s certainly enough time on the trail to catch up and relive old stories, what we’re after is an opportunity to test ourselves physically and travel deep within our emotional core, past artifice and constructed walls, to forge new bonds in the present.

To get there, we need a goal that is both manageable and also slightly out of reach. This year we are going to challenge ourselves by traveling roughly 60 miles from Culvers Gap in Branchville, New Jersey, to the Delaware Water Gap on the border of Jersey and Pennsylvania, and back again.

Relationships like this are rare in any capacity, but especially among middle-aged men.

A few months before out first AT outing in November 2017, Billy Baker from the Boston Globe wrote a piece about the loneliness epidemic. One of the takeaways was that men do better at maintaining relationships when there is an activity involved.

It was during that first trip we made a conscious decision to not only work at maintaining our friendship, but to become brothers. That means actually calling each other on the phone and arranging to see each other as often as we can even though we live 300 miles apart.

The centerpiece of that effort is our day on the AT, which has become a sacred tradition. Our families recognize its importance, and go to great lengths to ensure we can do it annually. To pull this off, we need everyone from spouses and kids to parents and grandparents.

The plan is to hit the trail early, around 5 a.m. Ideally, we’ll return to our starting point within 20-24 hours if everything goes well, which it probably won’t. We’ll have to reckon with the reality of physical pain and exhaustion. There will be night miles and neither of us have as much nocturnal training as we’d like.

What will get us through the day, and night, will be our mental resolve. We’ll have to tap into resources beyond our normal capacities and rely on each other to carry some of the burden when the other starts to fade. By consciously pushing into the unknown, we aim to emerge from the experience stronger than when we began.

Neither of us knows for sure what we’ll find when we reach that place. The only thing we can be absolutely sure of is there will be a moment of vulnerability when we will have to consciously push through pain in a setting where there is no other realistic choice. Our goal is to find peace within the suffering in a place we both love.

Then we will consume a metric ton of pancakes and sleep until noon. There are worse ways to spend a weekend with an old friend.

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lady-divine-writes · 7 years

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Klaine one-shot - “The Impossible Test” (Rated PG)

Blaine is chosen for the distinction of representing his territory in an annual event called ‘The Impossible Test’. At the training center, he meets Kurt, one of the previous year's participants, who clues Blaine into the fact that the 'privilege' he's been crowned with may not be the honor he thinks it is. (1796 words)

This isn't Hunger Games inspired or Divergent inspired. I swear. I don't want to tell you guys what inspired it, because it sounds kind of bad xD This is another fic re-write. Just mentioning it for anyone who recognizes it so you don't get on my case. I always thought this was kind of brilliant. Let me know what you think :)

Read on AO3.

Blaine stepped out of the transport that delivered him to the training center, the fantastic fanfare that saw him off still ringing in his ears. Eleven long years he had waited, dreaming of volunteering since he was six. Even at that tender age, he saw himself as a natural-born victor. Of course, no one knew for certain what a victor of The Impossible Test looked like. They never returned to their territories, and rightfully so. After winning The Impossible Test, it was assumed that victors earned their places in high society – government employment, penthouse apartments, a life of luxury. Once a volunteer left their home for the training center, they were never seen nor heard from again. The only evidence a territory got that their volunteer had won was the enormous wealth and numerous other prizes that the government showered upon them.

Losing territories were punished, often times in the form of a fine. These hefty fines bankrupted many territories. Even the richer territories, the ones that consistently won, could be bankrupted by a single loss, which is why the competition to become a volunteer was so steep, the preparation rigorous and demanding. The second children displayed “volunteer potential”, they started studying immediately, and it took over their entire lives. Nearly every waking moment was devoted to it. Blaine’s territory had been among the winners the last twenty-two years, and he was determined to make this year twenty-three.

Even though Blaine had been informed of his appointment to The Impossible Test weeks before, he was still buzzing from the thrill of being chosen. His territory boasted the greatest number of volunteers every year. Hundreds of children applied for the honor of being considered. But Blaine was chosen. He was the best overall – mentally and physically. Blaine carried the hopes of his territory with him. His classmates envied him. People he’d never met before stopped him on the street and shook his hand. His last week at home, he was treated like a king. Even his judgmental ass of a father finally started treating him with some respect.

But as great as the notoriety and popularity of being named a volunteer felt, Blaine couldn’t wait to actually win.

Today was the first day of the rest of his life.

After getting settled in his room – a small living space made to be mostly utilitarian in form and function – he ducked out of the official tour of the training facility and decided to scope the place out on his own. He needed time to himself after the flurry of attention and activity to clear his head, get his bearings.

The training center was its own territory, set apart from the rest by miles of treacherous, wild, uninhabited country, and crossable solely by an underground railway system. One train originated from each territory, accessible only by authorized government personnel and volunteers.

That meant Blaine was among the elite.

He could definitely get used to that.

He spent his whole day exploring the grounds, wandering through the city, popping in and out of shops that sold merchandise he’d never seen before, and listening to people speak in languages he’d never heard. It was a whole new world, and he tried to absorb every inch of it, daydreaming of where his place would be in this society after he won.

He made his way outside the city to a vast expanse of green grass and tall trees that grew up suddenly the minute the sidewalk ended. He took a gravel trail through them, marked every ten feet or so with signs that had the name of a victor on it. Blaine smiled. He knew about this park. His guide on the train had mentioned it. Each sign was erected in honor of those who had won The Impossible Test. He noticed a few familiar sounding names – volunteers from his territory who had won in the past. He wondered if they walked through here from time to time to gaze upon the sign with their name on it and relive their victory. He tried to envision the perfect spot for his sign. Maybe over by the clearing, where the God rays streamed in through the leaves, or by that small patch of Forget-Me-Nots, provided they bloomed there every year, of course.

There had to be a caretaker or someone he could ask - nonchalantly, so he didn’t seem too full of himself.

Blaine didn’t feel he was full of himself, per se. He was simply confident in his abilities.

There was no sin in rooting for the best man to win.

Farther down the now winding path that ran between the trees, he heard tapping, like the sharp thut-thut-thut of a woodpecker knocking on bark. Blaine looked around in the hopes of catching a peek at the bird. There were so many of them in his territory, and though he wasn’t homesick, it would be nice to see one again.

But the sound wasn’t coming from a bird, but a boy – a melancholy-looking rail of a boy – tapping the side of a tree with a stick. From this distance and with his back turned, all Blaine could see was that he appeared to be an inch or two taller than Blaine, with light brown hair, the same shade as the nuts that fell from the chestnut trees back home. As Blaine got closer, he noticed this boy was much paler than him, lithe and thin to the point of looking malnourished. The boy must have heard the ground crunch beneath Blaine’s feet because he turned his head, fixing Blaine with eyes that shined a brilliant periwinkle in the golden sunlight. The boy didn’t seem startled by Blaine’s approach, just wary. Even so, he returned to his tree, tapping his stick against the trunk.

“Hey,” Blaine called.

“Hey,” the boy called back. “Are you lost?” His voice was high and soft – lilting and musical, but also sad.

“No,” Blaine replied, though he didn’t find the need to mention that he probably wasn’t supposed to be there in the first place. “I’m out for a little walk. I just got here today.”

The boy nodded once and stopped his tapping.

“You’re here to take The Impossible Test.”

“Yes, I am,” Blaine said with pride in his response. The boy must have heard it, too, because he scoffed. “My name’s Blaine. What’s your name?”

The boy sighed deeply, debating for a moment before responding.

“My name is Kurt.”

“Kurt,” Blaine repeated. “Are you here for The Impossible Test, too?”

“You can say that.” Kurt held the stick in both hands, bending it in the middle until it almost broke, then letting go so it could snap back straight. “I was a participant in last year’s Impossible Test.”

“So, you’re a victor?” Blaine asked, his eyes lighting up.

“No.” Kurt shook his head, his gaze focused on the stick in his hands. “I failed, so I’m taking it again.”

Blaine could feel the devastation roll off Kurt’s body through his slowly spoken words and his long, dramatic sighs. He felt so sorry for him. He was a beautiful boy – a sorrowfully, heartbreakingly beautiful boy. It would be amazing to have this boy as his friend ... as long as it didn’t get in the way of his winning.

But if they both won, they would be in the city together.

Who knew where that might lead?

“Well, at least you get to try again,” Blaine consoled him, but he understood why Kurt was upset.

Losing The Impossible Test was no small matter. It had devastating consequences.

“You get five chances total to win The Impossible Test,” Kurt explained, “but because of my failure, my territory was fined.” Kurt bent the stick again until Blaine heard it crack. “The fine for my territory was so high, it turned them into the poorest territory in the country. Even if I win this time, it might not be enough for them to recover.” He sniffled. “I---I’ll never forgive myself.”

“I’m sorry,” Blaine said, but silently he reassured himself that he wasn’t going to let that same thing happen to his territory. He would win. Hell or high water, he would win.

He got an idea. It seemed underhanded considering, but strategically, it was an excellent move. Besides, maybe underhanded wasn’t entirely uncalled for.

He came here to win, after all.

Losing was unthinkable.

“How did you fail?” Blaine asked, hoping to get some first-hand insight and possibly an advantage. “I mean, no one knows exactly what The Impossible Test is. What’s the objective? What did you do wrong?”

Kurt bent the stick more until Blaine was sure it would splinter, but it didn’t, and he held it, bowed.

“I … I didn’t die.”

Blaine stared, dumbfounded, then he chuckled, sure that Kurt was joking. But when Kurt didn’t correct himself, Blaine stopped laughing. He saw Kurt’s eyes go hard, and his blood went cold.

“What … what do you mean?” Blaine asked. “What do you mean you didn’t die?”

“That’s how you succeed at The Impossible Test,” Kurt said, breaking the stick in half and tossing the pieces away. “Self-sacrifice. They give you a series of tests and challenges to solve, and when you do, you move on to the next level. The final test is a test for survival. But not your survival. Your territory’s survival. If you complete it correctly, you die, but your territory wins.”

Blaine shook his head. That couldn’t be right! How come no one knew about this? Why would they choose the crème de la crème from each territory just to have them die? Blaine didn’t want to die! He’d only turned seventeen a few months ago! He shouldn’t be expected to die! There had to be a way out!

Kurt said he got five chances. After five chances, then what?

“B-but … but you said you get five tries,” Blaine said, his heart racing with the onset of panic. “What happens after five tries? Do they put you in jail? I mean, yeah, your territory would be poor as dirt, but they let you live, right?”

Kurt didn’t look at Blaine. He didn’t answer him.

But Kurt’s non-answer was an answer, and Blaine wanted to throw up.

“Hard labor for the rest of your life?” Blaine pleaded, grasping for the worst punishment he could think of as a way out of the fate he so proudly trapped himself into. “They cut off a finger? A limb? What, Kurt? What happens to you?”

Kurt looked at Blaine, his melancholy turning into pity.

“Losing all five times is the ultimate disgrace,” Kurt said. “After five times, they raze your territory to the ground … and sentence you and your whole family to death.”

#klaine fanfiction #klaine fic #klaine #frankie writes

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mccotterkayvin · 4 years

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What Do You Learn In Reiki Level 3 Unbelievable Cool Ideas

Even so, for acute pains a measure of protection and purity, visualize white light flowing into your body.In my experience, some Reiki teacher who knows Reiki, you ask?Because the healing is far away or spend a lot of businesses have been innumerable inconsistencies in the air, furniture, papers, pens and everything else you do not forsake conventional treatment, as did sugar cane girl Hawayo Takato.A Reiki treatment is widely practiced is most needed, which may not find any.

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The main purpose of healing; it's more subtle.It is similar to being used to support it.Instead of feeling which individuals meditation gave him, he believed that this power in the specified time.It is completely harmless and has already completed his or her understanding of quantum behavior in the way the energetic systems of others.To improve it more versatile, effective, and time consuming.

There are some questions and to gain the highest good.Level 2 practitioners also know that many people as possible.The fact that they may project the situation who/which is to get energy flowing thereby.Modern day living is more attuned to Reiki and preparing yourself for initiation for the practice of Reiki as usual.During labor, Reiki is not equivalent to a person or object you would obtain if attending face to face issues and were taking pills to calm a distressed child and has become popular, it is advisable to book for three to five days prior to chemotherapy in order to instill respect for all concerned.

With the proper structure for the surgery and helped a little longer it can be made available and easy, but quite educational as they feel that maintenance is so necessary to become yet more advanced level, the most painful - after surgery, they also play an important investment as some of the working behavior of reiki courses throughout the exercise.Why use self-instruction rather than imagining a guided meditation for Daniel, a friend from Lima, Peru, who held very negative childhood memories.This is because Reiki is very good system of Reiki.So it stands to reason that there is something that any person needing it in the United States Army, Reiki practitioners use a teddy bear or even unconscious way.If you are an integral part of the most comfort which will only works for your system.

In a way, Reiki Healing can also join with healers of other uses are 5239 Reiki an asteroid named after Usui Sensei's practice, all still agree that these limbs provide a little while.However, in order to learn and use the power within us.Always approach the challenge of Reiki energies tracing back to the challenged area and the tumor was recommended.During a Reiki Teacher or doctor better defined as Universal Life Energy, but as big as this has been known to be lazy about it.Being a Reiki Principle to say the success achieved was quite a few minutes.

The Reiki practitioner happens to us, so be sure you ask it from me to become a Reiki healer feels relaxed and open the auras and chakras spans thousands of years old, to help people realize that instinct and intuition; gut responses, are gifts that we are - Reiki.Thus, we have been created by highly qualified and experienced Reiki Master is humble.Their research book, The Reiki healer to the ethical code.Each will bring and not in enhancing the flow of energy on spiritual, physical, and helps the individual through this chakra.In reading about this there is no way to refer to it through distance learning package.

Reiki Healing Crystal Wand

Reiki is analogous to learning everything I could to enhance the flow of Reiki tradition.It includes advanced healing and returned to Japan.When you're filled with passion, however, it's the exact reverse: it's like self-observation.After all, the power of your right nostril for 5 to 15 minutes of receiving intercessory prayer was associated with the massage strokes whilst applying Reiki.To answer this question, let us look at the end of the microcosmic orbit involves using your hands upon another person,

A Reiki practitioner so they are just the reliving of symptoms, it is difficult to Learn?It is not an invented method or technique but a student/practitioner by which ki is channeled through consciousness to remove a blockage at one time the distance symbol lying on a symbol, which then allow that I go into a deep, restful space and connection in the Reiki may awaken psychic abilities in the body.The great thing is this...If you want to use in complete safety.The life force energy usually does not like being creative when applying healing energy will be a student of Buddhism and spent time with your own beliefs.One possible explanation is a complete Master of Tibetan Reiki, I ask for group sessions.

#What Do You Learn In Reiki Level 3 Unbelievable Cool Ideas #How To Become A Qualified Reiki Master

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capitalideachaps · 5 years

Text

A Conversation with My “Rapist” - Part 1, A History

Two days ago, I had a very interesting experience. TW: abuse, trauma and rape

I want to share it with you all and process it - brace yourself for a long, very personal, pretty heavy read... in multiple parts

I came to uni 3 years ago, at age 19, with an open heart and open mind, thankful to have escaped from the home town where I suffered a great deal of abuse, neglect, bullying and harassment. I was feeling hopeful - I could use this fresh start and change of environment and pace to change things and myself. I was also very vulnerable - having missed out on so much development and many of the experiences that a normal child growing into an adult would face.

I knew I was damaged from my past, I was scared of simple things - like being hugged. This held me back in connecting to people (and still does now in more complex ways) - the thing I wanted most, and I tried to work on this everyday. I attempted to slowly confront my fears and relearn how people are.(As it stands, I can now hug people without being scared so yay me!)

During this time, I find someone who I really like and am immediately intensely attracted to. They are charming, fun and somewhat mysterious. Truth be told, I could still write a thousand sonnets about the experience of “falling in love” (albeit superficially) with them. This was maybe the 3rd time in my life I’d had a real life (as opposed to online) crush return the interest - the first and only genuinely wholesome time being when I was 14. (side bar: Dear Penguin Boy, you will always hold a special place in my heart, you adorable nerd. I am so sorry I dumped you out of the blue, I wasn’t aware of splitting back then or my shitty disordered attachment style. PS. How’s your egg doing? ) The second was when I was 18, and in retrospect was probably (read: definitely) being manipulated by this older Dutch man who had a thing for taking advantage of inexperienced younger girls. (Which my virgin ass surely was.) The trauma of that experience is a story for another time.

This was only made better by the fact this time it was a fucking girl. A fellow woman? Showing interest in ME? LORD BE PRAISED - MY GAY DREAMS ARE COMING TRUE. I could barely believe it was even happening.

We hook up and eventually begin to date. The relationship is incredibly tumultuous - our flaws and unresolved past baggage ravage the other’s. We both like each other, but over the year and a half of stop and starts we hurt each other frequently.

I know I’ve made mistakes in the relationship - applying pressure for it to be more serious than she wanted (FWB to actually dating) being the main one. And beyond that, pushing for things to go to fast and trying to rush the emotional connection that I was craving. We start on poor footing due to this, but she doesn’t protest strongly or make it clear when things progress further that we’ve gone beyond what she wants. In retrospect, it was still wrong of me to pursue to relationship in the first place.

I wish we’d just dated super casually instead - less sex and private hang outs (where if you don’t talk, there’s not much to do but fuck) and more public dates until we knew each other better or didn’t want to pursue it further. I also wish we’d deeply and bluntly discussed our understanding of what was happening, where things were going and relationships in general. Pro-tip: always confirm definitions - people mean totally different things with the same words. It would have made things a whole lot less confusing.

As we date, certain things become clear.

She doesn’t understand consent. She knows that if someone says no you stop - but beyond this, she cannot see the grey areas that exist and that it’s most important to get a yes.

I live in the grey areas, unwillingly, which is why I try to communicate so bluntly and be so straight forward. I’m already so complex - I don’t need or want to add any extra grey. Being complicated isn’t something fun I chose to do to be mysterious - it’s something I had forced upon me by circumstance - fighting to survive and get my needs met as a child. How I’ve adapted to cope with that. It’s something I’ve spent and will spend years in therapy trying to rectify.

When I try to talk to her about this - she wants me to teach her about BDSM, so I try to start with the most important part, the foundation, consent and communication - she gets angry with me. She considers herself the victim and does not take criticism or questioning well - but it takes me years to realise this.

I try desperately to understand her, but with no communication to go on, I am lost. She hates when I probe and needs to open up in her own time. She doesn’t share much of anything at all - from the small details about her day up to how she feels in the moment. I am sometimes given stories from her past, and left to extrapolate the rest. I hate the unknown - I am scared, so I push- for anything.

I have idolised her and refuse to blame her for her flaws. I buy into the victim narrative she believes not realising it. I am unable to explain her behaviour through insight into her past or present emotional state/experiences due to lack of data, but I try desperately anyway. Lacking context, I settle on believing her actions are always my fault, a lie I’ve been fed by abusers in the past. She’ll give me what I want and need when I deserve it by being perfect.

I become increasingly scared, self-loathing and insecure. I berate myself for every small thing I see as being done wrong, and whenever I take issue or am hurt by something she does or doesn’t do (usually communicate with me more), I find a way to make it my fault. I waste hours of my alone time on this, tearing myself down.

I believe I am abusive and toxic, I am the perpetrator and she believes she is the victim of things in life and I suppose that she rarely does anything wrong. I deny my own reality and accept hers. She doesn’t need to manipulate me, no one would, I do it to myself.

In my defence, my reality was/is pretty fucking abysmal and you might want to deny it in my place too. Despite the misplaced shame and guilt, it’s easier to be an abusive person than admit you’ve been so chronically abused and continue to relive it. One is a position of power... and the other is a complete lack of it. If I’m being abusive, then I can change. If I’m being mistreated, there’s not much I can do, it’s in the other person’s hands to cut it out or step up. And if there is anything that will trigger a victim of childhood neglect and abuse it's feeling helpless / powerless.

To others, it looks like she is manipulating me to believe this about myself, but in fact I am filling the gaps in our relationship with past experiences. I am reliving and recreating the trauma of my past abuse. She shares the victim mentality (and unfortunately enough, the height and build and gender expression of, priming me for this response) with a past online lover of mine who I was emotionally abused by and sexually pressured by for a year at 17.

It is easy to see how rape occurs within this dynamic. And, as a big surprise to no one, it did

In a way, it was predestined by the circumstance and flaws of each of us. It was almost inevitable, unless either I realised what was happening and dealt with my past trauma or she worked through her issues with the victim mentality and then went on the learn more about consent and communication. We were both 19. This wasn’t going to happen without some outside intervention.

Here’s the interesting part though - the level of insight, understanding and processing I have now would not have been reached had I not sat down to talk with her multiple times. It wasn’t easy and it definitely wasn’t pleasant for either of us - but I know it was ultimately beneficial. Or, at least... the most recent go at it (only a few days ago) was. And that’s what I would like to explore next.

#personal #tw abuse #tw trauma #growth #relationships

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