#we know the reasons why things are devalued I’m just always amazed whenever I put it into numbers
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The Palestinian/ Israeli situation in a simplified example
I’m fascinated by how relationships between two individuals and all their details helps in understanding bigger, more complex human relationships. I’ve been diving deep, studying and reading books about narcissism and abusive relationships, then the Palestine/ Israel conflict popped up these days. I connected the dots to many aspects that I really didn’t pay any attention to before. I always had questions like:
- Why are people turning a blind eye (especially from the west) when we are so obviously almost powerless in front of the Israeli military?
- What about the numbers? A minimum of 83 civilians in Gaza were killed in the previous days compared to 7 Israelis, whenever there is friction, we all know that Palestinians pay a higher price, more homes get destroyed, more children die, more families live in fear..etc.
A brief about narcissists, how they behave, and the link between Israel and Palestine.
- All of us probably have seen or were in a relationship with the toxic people that they are. Narcissists are extremely good manipulators, they’ll find a way to always blame you for any problem, play on your weaknesses, your guilt and shame to make you actually feel guilty for things you didn’t even do. They turn tables, always try to catch a fight with you for no reason and have horrible outbursts of anger thrown at you. If you try to stand your ground and defend yourself, you’ll be denied of this right because: How dare you be so heartless and abusive and not see their pain that led them to be angry at the first place? They’ll always switch to being a victim, they’re the ones that matter, they’re the ones always hurting, they will not see you because the universe obviously revolves around them.
- Defending yourself is always going to be used against you, no matter how you use logic and common sense, they don’t operate the same way we do, it’s THEIR logic and THEIR common sense that matter (that only serves their own selfish benefits). Nothing you say will be heard, no effort will produce any results. If you try to give them a taste of their own poison, they’re only going to bully you more, attack you more and hurt you more.
- Narcissists organize people in hierarchies, in their head, those who deserve respect are those who are richer than them, higher in status, have more fame, are more successful. A narcissist will disrespect, devalue, look down on those who are lower in hierarchy. That doesn’t mean they’re mean to everyone below them, narcissists are the ones who treat everyone so nice to serve their self image as a kind, amazing person, then treat their families and closed ones like shit behind closed doors. Their niceness is only that way because its serves a benefit to their ego.
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Important synonym:
Narcissistic supply: Their fuel. Their main source of energy. In case of romantic relationships it is preying on naive, empathetic people who have weak boundaries. These people will give the narcissist what they want, attention, sacrifice and love (and of course the opposite treatment is devaluing, bullying and disrespect). Without this supply, a narcissist -literally- emotionally dies. Which is why going no contact or “ghosting” the narcissist in a romantic relationship drives them insane and causes them intolerable pain.
In case of Israel, what’s feeding the parasite is the US aid and all the countries that stand by their side, approve of their state and feed their agenda. This approval is what is keeping them alive. Being short of this supply threatens their presence.
The narcissist’s allies: These are the people standing behind them, supporting them, believing them, enabling their behaviors. These allies are what feeds the narcissists ego, in case of a relationship, it’s his other (also abusive) friends who keep talking about how shitty they treat their wives, which makes the narcissist feel that what he’s doing is approved and normal. Without these allies, the narcissist would feel indifferent. He would start to feel a bit wrong if others seriously point out his behavior. Nothing strikes a narcissist as the feeling of indifference.
You might be wondering why do people fall prey to these monsters and date/ be-friend them?
The LOVE-BOMBING stage: The facade the narcissist puts to lure you in. It’s when the narcissist idolizes you, appreciates you, mirrors your good qualities to make you think you’re meant for each other. In the context of the conflict, it’s when Israel shows how compassionate and righteous of a state it is and makes connections with countries to be-friend them (then stabs them in the back).
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- You’ll always be the evil one: Because narcissists are master manipulators, they will convince people that their victim (ex.: abused wife) is crazy, even her own children would believe. The woman will find herself alone and everyone’s led to believe the abusive man just because of how charismatic and confident he sounds. This “crazy woman” is the equivalent of these “Hamas Terrorists”. This card is used to discredit you as a human, a card to alienate, stop others from listening to your opinion nor rationalize your actions to defend yourself. Because why would you rationalize a woman who’s irrational? Why would you rationalize someone labeled “terrorist”? Terrorists just destroy right? They don’t think before doing anything they’re doing.
- Narcissists avoid responsibility at all costs, if you hold them accountable for their words or actions they’ll deny, gaslight and play the victim in order to avoid changing their behavior. They will always have an excuse, no matter what.
- These people KNOW they are wrong, they KNOW they’re being illogical, they KNOW their abuse and how it affects others. And they CHOOSE to stay like that because of the privileges that come with it.
Conclusion:
Using common sense doesn’t work with these people. They only recognize and would respect those who have power above them.
Appealing to their moral judgment is impossible.
The way to revenge, is NOT equal destruction. It is power, and turning everyone against them. Social media spreads awareness and Israel will not succeed in concealing their crimes for too long. “ The best revenge is to live on and prove yourself.”
Those Arab countries who are friends with Israel is exactly as if the woman’s sister in an abusive relationship sides with the physically abusive husband just because he’s so charismatic and funny “How could you say such bad things about him?”, the abusive man: “See! even your sister thinks you’re crazy and don’t make sense!”. These Arab countries betray our Palestinian brothers and sisters and enable more abuse for them.
Why are people turning a blind eye? Why don’t numbers matter?
Lets be honest, would you have more feelings of respect or more feelings of pity towards a woman who allowed herself to enter an abusive relationship? You’ll always have this question in your head: Why didn’t she just reject the guy when she saw the red flags in the early stages? People deeply have more feelings of pity or empathy over respect for those who allow themselves to be abused by others.
But it’s different with the conflict, it’s not like a person to person situation. It’s more complex, because Arab governments at a point allowed this cancer to settle. Arab leaders DIDN’T represent their citizens and DIDN’T stand their ground and for sure had common interests with Israel, and no one respects those who betray their own people. Our generations will pay a price they didn’t have to pay, because of their decisions. Just like the abused woman’s kids will pay the price of being in a dysfunctional home, and having a cruel father, even though it’s not their fault, they didn’t choose this.
This puts a responsibility on us, individuals, to take action, send donations and unite as one to help and hope it does an impact.
Please don’t feel shame if you feel helpless. Just like the children who didn’t choose their bullying father. None of us, Arab citizens, chose this. We are paying prices we didn’t have to pay and we either decide to be responsible for it and turn it to productive actions or be bitter about it and give up (not recommended). All of us have to understand the dynamics of such problem and not guilt ourselves, and just do the best we can right now.
So, again, why do people turn a blind eye?
1- Refusing to look at the conflict as an international human rights violation. Same reason why there aren’t laws to regulate domestic violence in many countries and some will justify and say: “The woman chose this person herself”, “We have more important issues to solve”, - even though it can get extremely violent - which is failure to take responsibility for what’s right. Some consider it an Arab problem that Arabs just have to deal with, because they allowed it in the first place! So, international human rights foundations and those countries that have the power to do anything won’t take responsibility because it is against their interests and gain or simply because: “Why bother?”, and blame it on our governments, which kind of makes sense.
2- Because some see the Arab world as a nation that’s inferior. We are not in the top hierarchies in a lot of fields (economy, education, health care,..etc) in terms of what we add to the world or to our own citizens. This doesn’t mean we are failures at an individual level, we don’t lack what makes us excel, but we are seen generally (as countries) as mediocre. For many reasons, like poverty and ignorance. This way of thinking also follows the same ideology of a narcissist: only feel compassion and empathy towards others based on hierarchy.
3-Stereotypes. Since all the middle eastern news is not very decent. That puts the pressure on individuals to reinforce a good impression that their countries and societies failed to make, and correct the false impressions of them as well. If you’re Muslim/ Arab living abroad you might feel you have to smile wider just to prove you’re a good person. Which is very exhausting, and again, you’re paying a price you shouldn’t pay. For a mistake you didn’t make. Many won’t have that Arab friend to prove their stereotypes wrong, so they’ll just keep themselves busy with their own country’s issues.
4- Because people are not connected to us. Take South Korea as an example. They have achieved tremendous success in reaching people with their art and music, people from all over the world recognize their hard work and effort so they’ll therefore empathize with their pain. Don’t be surprised if twitter explodes with hashtags of a K-pop group member having a flu but no hashtags for children getting killed in Palestine. As much as it’s sad, it’s human nature to feel empathy towards those who you have emotional connection to.
5- Its a sensitive topic, so people just want to avoid any clash. They don’t know who’s right and who’s wrong and therefore feel like they don’t have enough info to judge the whole thing.
What to do?
Focus on ourselves, set valuable goals, have integrity.
Be aware that conflict is part of life, don’t paralyze yourself in negativity.
Not be tricked to play the role of the victim. We can change so much if we focus our power into our strengths instead of dwelling.
Do our best to be the best person in our job and excel in our field.
Ending with two of my favorite quotes:
“It’s better to be a warrior in a garden, than a gardener in war”
“When you begin the journey of revenge, be sure to dig two graves, one for your enemy and one for yourself.”
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GRAZIA Magazine April 2019 issue - Interview with Suho
The photoshoot started in the afternoon. What did you do before getting to the venue?
“Because I got up too early, I went to play basketball, had lunch, and even went to an oriental clinic, which was quite diligent of me.“
Then the swelling [T/N: that you’d have after waking up in the morning] must have disappeared by now? (laugh)
“I’ve been starting a new diet that matches my body. I usually would eat meat but they said it wasn’t right for my type of body [T/N: probably metabolism]. They said that I should plan my diet primarily based on seafood and white rice now. I’ve been eating carbs, which I wouldn’t usually eat before, so my body is a bit swollen.”
In one of your previous interviews, you said that one of your mottos is to ‘be present at the moment’. What side of yourself do you want to present in today’s interview?
“I need to be present at the moment but I probably worked out too hard in the morning, my eyes can’t be all shiny now (laugh). But fortunately I think my current state matches the concept of today’s photoshoot too, so I guess it did my body some good relaxing.”
You recently attended Bvlgari’s B.zero1 20th anniversary event in Rome as Korea’s representative.
“It doesn’t happen everyday that you are invited to an overseas event. So it was an experience full of amazement and fun for me. It was also the first time I ever went to Italy so I took the opportunity to enjoy Rome to the fullest before coming back (laugh).”
You’re also known as one of the humorous members within your team. I feel like I know what that means now.
“I haven’t even started though? I’m talking in all seriousness right now (laugh).”
Do you normally wear jewelry too?
“I have great interest in fashion, but I wasn’t that acquainted with jewelry. There was one time when I accidentally had a scratch on my neck during a dance session, so I became more careful after that. But then thanks to this event, I got to wear rings and necklace(s), and they seemed to look nice on me. Hahaha.”
Yeah I watched that live broadcast where you showed your ring too (laugh).
“It kinda matched the look that I went for that day so I wanted to brag a little bit.”
You did some travelling with your friend after finishing the schedule, normally it’s not easy for you to travel around, is it?
“I do travel once in a while. I’ve been planning my vacations ever since the 4th year after my debut. I personally love travelling, so I took the time to form a group with my friends and travel every year. But still, this was the first proper Europe trip with a friend.”
Not only Rome, you took your time to travel every corner of Venice too. What’s your travelling type?
“I wasn’t the type who would plan my itinerary so thoroughly in the past. That resulted in me belatedly knowing that the place I just came back from was a very famous place, or there was a good restaurant near my hotel that I passed by without knowing. It was kinda upsetting and such a pity. [Because] when would I ever get the chance to visit that city again. It’s really true that you only feel and see as much as you know. That was when I started to plan my travels and do my research diligently before going somewhere.”
Where was the most memorable place from this trip?
“My favorite spot was Colosseum. We unintentionally went there 3 times, but if it makes you go ‘Wow~’ looking from the outside, once you get inside, it gives you this unexplainable vibe. I didn’t have my expectations high but once I was inside, the scenes from the movies ‘Ben Hur’, ‘Gladiator’, the American series ‘Spartacus’ came to mind one by one and matched with what I saw, so it was a very interesting experience. It felt so incredible, the fact that thousands of people from the B.C. times would come to this huge building, sit here and cheer as they watched the matches.”
What’s your next destination?
“I’m thinking Paris. I’ve been there once but I just travelled around without a guide, so it’s a shame that I couldn’t feel much. This time I plan to go on a guided tour and also visit the nearby city where Van Gogh, my favorite artist, used to live before he passed away. And to view his artworks too.”
You put ‘Su-hwak-haeng’ in your instagram profile. What’s your trivial happiness these days? [T/N: su-hwak-haeng is a wordplay with so-hwak-haeng, which stands for ‘the guaranteed happiness that comes from small/trivial things’]
“I think I just feel happy after having a day a little well-spent. When I lie on my bed before sleep, watching Netflix, after spending time well. That really is the moment of happiness, isn’t it? (laugh)”
What’s Suho’s typical well-spent day like?
“I do a lot of sports, including fitness. Also for my lyrics composing, whenever I come up with something, I write it down. I meet my friends, we watch movies and share our stories, too. Or if there’s someone in the group with an audition coming up, we would help him with script reading too.”
Throughout the interview, I kept thinking that you reminded me of someone, then I realized that your voice or your vibe really resembles your close friend, Byun Yohan’s. Do you grow to be alike as much as you are close?
“My brother said the same thing too… A few people said something similar too. Is it because I do script readings with him frequently (laugh)? But as you get to know us, we always have big differences.”
Is there something you’re into these days?
“These days it’s basketball. My goal is to work hard and level up.”
What’s at the center of Suho’s life at the moment? Have you ever thought about that?
“I have my personal ambition regarding acting so I’ve been participating in musical and movie works, but the fact that I’m EXO’s Suho before anything else doesn’t change. Also during this Italy trip, I got recognized by many people, I think it was because I’m EXO Suho, and the invitation that I got to attend an event overseas was also thanks to my EXO title. That’s why it’s only natural that I always keep EXO at my center.”
We all know that you call yourself the funniest member in EXO. How would you define your gag code?
“Our fans call it the ‘gag pristine area’. That it’s the kind of gag where I don’t devalue and hurt any certain person, but only make fun of myself. I personally think it’s such a innocently funny thing. In itself, it’s a kind of heavens-helped gag (laugh).”
Do you know that the very fact that you are explaining it right now is funny too?
“Sometimes there are people like that too. They say that whatever I do is just funny. When we did the photoshoot sometime ago too, it seems I was quite interesting. The photographer said that I was interesting even when I just stood still.”
Aren’t you proud of yourself at times like that?
“Of course I’m happy (laugh).”
Who has the best understanding of this gag dimension of yours?
“Sehunnie really likes it. Our codes really match well.”
Then who’s the most incompatible member?
“I think it’s Chanyeol. Chen used to not match either but now he’s come to understand my code (laugh). But Chanyeolie seems to never get it.”
I think it’s not an overstatement to say that the relationships among EXO members now are like a family. When are the times when you are reminded oh so well that ‘As expected, we are one team’?
“Recently we got the chance to gather all the members after 2 weeks. It was such a happy and interesting time. Of course we ended up playing games that time too, and I don’t know why but I ended up last place.”
Was it because the members kept tackling you?
“I think eventually it’s because I take it well. And my reaction is good too. You know there are also people who pull a stern face and hate it when you joke around. But as for me, I don’t act like that as long as it doesn’t go too far. I think they tend to especially act that way even more because they want to see my reaction.”
Don’t you ever think ‘I want to get down from the leader position now’?
"I don’t know if it’s because of the years we’ve been working, but now be it the members or the company, they always come to discuss with me first. But these days I’ve been thinking, that even if I weren’t the leader, they would’ve done the same. It’s tiring at times, but at the same time it’s rewarding too, that ‘So I’ve lived a good life.’ I don’t think the situation would change much even if I were to retreat from the leader position now.”
If there’s something you wish from the members as the leader?
“We play games a lot, but I wish they started to learn how to lose now. You know people say losing is actually winning. To be honest, there were many times when I intentionally lost. More than feeling happy from winning in a game, I would hate it more to see the members who have strong desire for winning being upset from losing. Rather than ‘I need to win even if I have to die’, it feels more at ease to just let others win (laugh).”
I guess it’s the leader’s consideration.
“I think it’s just my personality. I’ve been like that ever since I was small. Even when we played games where we bet a jjajjangmyeon, my friends would fight and end up injuring themselves. So I never joined (such games).”
Who’s the EXO member with a particularly strong desire for winning?
“It’s Chanyeol (laugh). As for me and Kyungsoo, we have no desire to win, nor are we interested. Anyways, my hope is that they would learn the happiness when you lose intentionally for others’ sake. Haha.”
Just 1 year after you challenged yourself in the musical field with <The Last Kiss> in 2017, you ascended to starring in <The Man who Laughs>. You even won yourself many newcomer awards. It must mean that you got your recognition now, right?
“I think to some people, I’m forever an acting idol who came from an idol group. That’s all the more reason I feel thankful being awarded. Because it means that I got recognized a little as a musical actor. I know very well that with every award comes the responsibility and pressure, so I need to work even harder in the future. Because I’m a new actor who just starts now.”
You’d hinted a few times that you wanted to work with seniors. Now that it finally came true, what did you learn from them personally?
“I’ve learned so many things. Jung Sunah nuna especially pointed things out and helped me meticulously. She would make precise comments like ‘You were slower than the beat in here’. Even in the middle of the actual show too (laugh). I learned a lot from observing how the seniors did it, and all the process of working together with them became such great energy to me. I was able to learn from watching carefully every move of Park Hyoshin hyung as he did it. Haha. I think I worked hard to try to catch up through that process of watching them for reference, then reinterpreting it in my own way.”
2018 was a year that you worked hard not only in EXO’s activities but also as an individual. What kind of plan do you have for this year?
“So far there’s no exactly finalized plan. It’s just that I really want to work on a movie or a drama, and a musical is a good idea too. EXO also has plans to show various sides of us.”
If you could choose, what kind of face would you want to meet the viewers with?
“I don’t particularly look for a certain character. But I do hope that it’s not one that is too stiff. I want to act someone who’s flexible, mischievious, and shows their emotions well. But I don’t want it to be another cool character again. Because it’s kinda burdensome. Haha.”
What’s the picture that Suho’s visualizing for the future to come?
“I want to become someone of positive influence, who sets a precedent. So that I can become a senior who starts and paves the way for my junior colleagues, and is of help to them. For instance I can be of positive influence to my fans or others just by donating or founding a volunteer organization. Also, if in the past, when you say you want to be awarded at Cannes or the Oscars, it would be common for people to tell you to ‘stop dreaming’, but now, that thought is gradually becoming something realizable, not a dream without any hope. I believe that someday a Korean will make it. And the junior actors who see that will be able to dream bigger dreams.”
(cr. LittleAriel13 blog)
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Q:
Hey, I have a couple of questions; do you think any of the following are related to BPD? Or do I do both because I am simply an horribly abusive human being? (Which I know I am, but still.) #1 - humiliate the people I love in public. I know I do it, I always try to avoid it, but sometimes I slip. I do it with whomever is my FP at that moment. I rip them to pieces publicly and I feel high, 'cos it sorts of shows everybody how intimate our connection is?
Still the horrible abuser over here. #2 - whenever I meet a prospective FP I always feel the urge of showing off the absolute worst of me. How unbalanced I am, how callow, how sexually crass, codependant and full of anger. I think I sort of want them to know how fucking intense I am and match it... ? Or at the very least accept me. Although I know full well I only come off as unhinged. But it makes me high too... is it oversharing to the extreme? (I hate it. So humiliating, but I can't help it)
A:
It takes guts to send a message like this and I admire the fact that you’re being so honest.
Simply put, the FP type of relationship is an aspect of BPD. And so is devaluation, which is the running thread of your message (humiliating people you love in public, but also displaying the worst of you). But you are making your own choices, personally, and they are clearly part of an unhealthy pattern of behaviour. So please don’t conveniently blame BPD, because mental illness is always the context, but never the catalyst, for action.
Let’s take a good, hard look at what you’ve said, since not only is it intriguing, but I think it can help us all learn from your experiences.
Regarding your first point, ripping someone to pieces publicly absolutely does not demonstrate to “everybody” how “intimate” your connection is. It just shows off in public that you are abusive. I bet you do this behind closed doors as well, but at least in public it’s something that’s out there for everyone to see and reaffirm.
I feel very sorry for your FP, current and prospective, yet if I may, I want to offer you several reasons why you do that:
You are “testing” your prospective FP by seeing how much hell you can put them through and how much bullshit you can pile on before they breakdown. Doing it in public is, as you say, immensely humiliating.
I suppose that they pass your awful test if they lack the self-respect and backbone to fight back in public. Which is actually what you secretly hope for.
The first reason you hope for this is so that you can dial up the abuse more, in public, because if they fight back then you can somehow give yourself permission to be even worse, despite knowing all along that you are being abusive and provoking justifiable retaliation.
The second reason you hope for this is because you’re obviously self-pitying (as most abusers are) and sub-consciously (or perhaps even consciously) you want to be punished for being a horribly abusive human being.
So in front of an audience, you are hoping for someone to step up (including your FP) and challenge you, this time in order to put a stop to your appalling behaviour (which you claim that you can’t do on your own; hold onto that thought). You want to be punished severely for what you have done and are doing; you want justice to rain down on you out of some sick sense of masochistic martyrdom, again arising out of your self-pity.
There is a “connection” that happens between an abuser and their victim, unfortunately, and it’s called trauma bonding or Stockholm syndrome. It’s perverse and terrible. That’s the kind of “connection” that you are referring to.
Real human connection doesn’t thrive off traumatic experiences. It is founded on mutual respect, care, and trust. It’s healthy because it’s focused on the well-being of the people who are connected to each other by virtue of their shared interests, heartfelt emotions, and free will.
Now regarding your second point about “showing off” the “worst in you,” this may also be some kind of test. To see if you will get “abandoned” by your FP when your true colours are on display. Doing this in public too will also give you lots of attention, which depending on your ego functions, may be contributing to that “high” you feel.
There’s really two key elements to this point. Firstly, you are devaluing yourself. Now I’m not disagreeing with you about the fact that you’re a shitty person, but I also don’t think you’re being entirely realistic.
You say: “ how unbalanced I am, how callow, how sexually crass, codependant and full of anger.”
These are all decidedly dramatic descriptions of yourself. They still don’t get at the core of you as a person, and so without a clear self-image, you’ll never be able to strive for a stable one. You must know who you are and what you want in order to be happy.
Believe it or not, I relate to what you’re saying here. I recognize my own toxic traits, but it’s also why I can tell you that everything you’ve identified as the “worst” in yourself can be entirely unlearned.
That starts with developing a healthy outlook on yourself.
Instead of thinking of yourself as always being “unbalanced,” try to think of yourself as working on “stabilizing.” Instead of thinking of yourself as callow (inexperienced and immature), try to remember that you are a work in progress, a dynamic person who is learning, and seek out interesting, positive experiences. Instead of thinking that you are “sexually crass” and berating yourself for lacking some sort of class and sensitivity when it comes to sex, be more careful and caring about your body; take sex and partners at your own pace, and if it happens to be that you enjoy a lot of sex with a lot of people, then at the very least make an effort to do it safely. Develop your self-respect.
And instead of resenting that you are “codependant and full of anger” (both of which I’ve addressed, right here and here), start taking little steps toward independence and processing anger. You’re going to (re)discover a lot of yourself throughout this process, which is essential to developing a healthy, realistic self-image.
You might think this is all semantics, but it’s actually about altering your thought processes. So that in turn, you can start to invest positive emotions in those healthier thoughts.
And if that’s you at your “worst,” don’t you want to live in a way that lets your best shine forth?
Secondly, you want to have control over the situation. As you pointed out, you want your intensity to be accepted and matched-even if it’s at your “worst.” I understand that longing very well.
But I want to point out that Oversharing isn't exactly healthy in and of itself. It’s already “extreme” so to speak because there's already the potential to breach someone's healthy boundaries.
What you're actually talking about specifically is being callous with "honesty." You may really be feeling one way in the moment, and things may be happening a certain way in fact, but there is still an appropriate time and place to share your own thoughts and feelings about what’s going on.
You’re not respecting that. You’re being “honest” both in an effort to get your intensity out there, but also with a complete disregard for boundaries. That certainly does come across as unhinged, but it reveals a lot too:
You associate vulnerability with being “humiliated” yourself. At the same time, being vulnerable makes you “high,” which I take to mean that it makes you feel “good,” so you’d like to keep being “honest” but you don’t want to be “humiliated.”
It’s too bad you have such a twisted outlook on being vulnerable, because when it’s done right, it’s one of the most amazing sensations ever.
Speaking of honesty, the truth is that you can help your behaviour, but you do not want to. That's at the core of you being a horribly abusive human being.
Why? Well, you said so yourself: being abusive gets you "high."
Here’s the darkest truth about abuse: abusive behaviour also hurts abusers, and abusers keep on abusing because they are emotionally invested in abuse.
Back in May, I made an infographic guide for people who recognized their abusive behaviours but were willing and determined to change them in order to live in a healthy way.
And the relationship between willingness to recover and not be abusive versus remaining abusive is something I extensively cover in my own work Between The Lines: Comparing BPD + NPD. I argue that for the most part, personality disordered people are quite willing to recover and learn to live in a healthy way, yet we lack the stigma-free resources to give us the ability to do so.
However, I also note that while resources alone have a positive correlation with willingness to be healthy, they still may not be enough all by themselves. This is due to the fact that most horribly abusive people refuse, that is to say they lack the will, to choose healthy behaviour, despite all the resources that could possibly be available to them.
Why? Well, we’ve come right back around to your admission: because being abusive gets you “high.”
As anyone who has ever been at the very least toxic realizes, there is a kind of thrill, a rush, a sense of being empowered or powerful, when it comes to having an advantage over someone. No matter how slight or twisted or real it may actually be.
Being on the other side of someone’s trust? Someone’s earnest feelings and thoughts? Getting access to their motives and drives, being involved in the sharing of that?
Fuck, it’s so seductive and mesmerizing. It is honestly a “high” unlike any other. And abuse is inherently about taking these precious things and using them to your own gain or to cause pain, which then creates a vicious cycle of feeling “high” when you can still have someone’s trust but you’re not longer doing it with their best interests at heart.
So then horrible people like you get carried away in the thrill of that, the emotional investment, and find it almost impossible to stop. But as I keep emphasizing, you certainly can stop and break this unhealthy behaviour pattern.
Why? Because feeling “high” in the moment you abuse someone won’t ever be enough for you. Because it’s not a genuine connection.
And abusers do want a real connection with another human being. The problem is, they lie and fake and hurt their way into it; they manipulate and manufacture that “connection” because they cannot really be themselves and develop a real connection by being honest.
They haven’t developed a realistic, healthy outlook on themselves, because they’ve never fully taken the time to know themselves and be real about all their flaws and qualities.
Right now, that is you. At this time in your life, you are a horrible human being that is choosing abuse as a way to cheat their way into the best life has to offer, without being real about it. That’s pathetic.
Although I appreciate you sending this message, I don’t know quite what you expected to get out of me with it. Were you wanting me to publicly humiliate you? To offer you some sort of vicious punishment, or to reopen my old wounds?
If there’s only one thing you get from my response, I hope it is this:
You don’t have to remain a horribly abusive human being.
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a fic for amazing detective/genius @blazeeblake for winning my 600 followers celebration game! they requested a fic set in my dean smith/mafioso!cas AU involving feelings coming out during a fight
Dean hates waking up alone. Or, more accurately, he hates waking up alone after falling asleep with someone. Blinking his eyes slowly open, hand resting on the cold pillow next to him, Dean has to swallow back the disappointment. He should have seen this coming. The few times Cas has given in to his near-begging and actually deigned to show up at Dean’s apartment, he’s always snuck out in the middle of the night.
Dean tries not to let it bother him. Cas has places to be, and he’s got plenty of enemies who would love to catch him with his guard down.
If it was just the waking up alone that was bothering him, Dean could probably let it slide. But it isn’t. Whenever they’re together, it ends with sex. Even the dinners Cas has invited him out to have played out more like extended foreplay. And Dean loves it, really, but he’s beginning to think that it’s all there is to their relationship.
Can he even call it that? Is it really a relationship if all they do is fuck? Dean kind of hates himself for wondering – why ruin a good thing by stressing out about it? – but he can’t stop himself. Maybe Michael was right when he called Dean high-maintenance.
Dean quickly shakes himself from that train of thought, sitting up in his bed. And great, thinking of Michael has put him in an even worse mood than before. This is what he gets for letting his mind wander before he’s even had his coffee.
Sighing, he gets out of bed and starts his morning routine. It’s easy to get lost in but the bad mood is harder to shake and by the time Dean’s pulling out of his garage, he’s already feeling the beginnings of a pounding headache.
The morning passes slowly. Thanks to Cas’ near daily visits at this point, Dean is way behind on his paperwork. He hasn’t gotten in trouble for it yet – he suspects his bosses’ relentless need to please Cas has something to do with that – but Dean takes pride in his work and the last couple of weeks he’s really let it fall by the wayside.
(He ignores the part where that didn’t start to bother him until Cas ditched him in the middle of the night one time too many.)
He’s on a decent roll by the time lunch rolls around. Dean usually eats in the office to save himself time but today, he doesn’t even allow himself the luxury of his usual salad. There’s way too much work to do.
By the time Cas shows up at his office, Dean has buried himself so thoroughly in work that he almost doesn’t notice the doors sliding open.
Almost.
“Not in the mood,” he says without looking up.
Cas closes the door behind him, walking up to Dean’s desk. “That’s new.”
“Yeah, well…” Dean hits send on the email he was working on, finally looking up. Cas is regarding him with a half-raised eyebrow, expression otherwise blank. “I’ve been slacking off, I need to catch up.”
He should have seen it coming but his heart still jumps when Cas circles the desk, grabbing the arms on Dean’s chair and pulling so Dean’s facing him.
“Is that all?” he says with a grin. “I can take care of that.”
Then he’s leaning down and Dean genuinely wants the kiss that is coming, wants Cas to take care of him the way he always does and take him out of his head for just half an hour. But mindless sex is what got him in this trouble in the first place, and he’s still (rightfully) pissed at Cas for bailing without even waking him, so he raises his hand, pushing Cas away at the shoulder.
“I don’t want you to take care of it,” he grinds out. “I want to do my job properly.”
Cas straightens, looking bewildered. “I apologize. I merely wanted to help.”
“Maybe next time, offer it without devaluing my job.”
Cas bristles. “Watch your mouth, boy.”
“Or what?” Dean snaps. “You’re gonna punish me? Bend me over that desk even though I just told you I didn’t want it? Hurt me without my consent?”
Cas pales and recoils, and Dean immediately wants to take those words back. Cas is dominating and possessive, sure, but Dean has never thought for one moment that he would do anything to Dean he didn’t want him to do. He’s done nothing to earn these kinds of accusations.
“Is that what you think of me?” Cas asks.
Dean lowers his head, shame sitting heavy in his gut. “No. I’m sorry, I just- I say stupid shit when I’m pissed. I didn’t mean any of it.”
“Why are you pissed?”
Dean snaps his gaze up again. Cas looks genuinely confused and Dean feels his shame quickly burning away, replaced by anger.
“You’re kidding, right?” he asks. “You were the one who just left in the middle of the night. You didn’t even wake me up to let me know you were going.”
“I don’t-” Cas purses his lips, looking annoyed. He’s probably not used to people talking back to him in this way. This might even be the first fight he’s had with a significant other. Dean would laugh about it if it wasn’t so frustrating. “It’s never bothered you before.”
“It’s always bothered me,” Dean admits. “I mean, geez, way to make a guy feel cheap.”
“That was never my inte-”
It’s at that exact moment that Dean’s stomach decides to rumble loudly, and Cas snaps his mouth shut, looking bewildered.
“When was the last time you ate?” he asks.
Dean waves his hand, cheeks warming with embarrassment. “Don’t worry about it. I skipped lunch to catch up. I’ll have a big dinner instead.”
“You shouldn’t be skipping meals,” Cas says with a frown. “Those silly juice cleanses of yours are bad enough-”
“Don’t,” Dean cuts him off. “You don’t get a say in what I eat, okay? We don’t have that kind of relationship.”
Cas’ jaw twitches. “Alright. I can tell when I’m not wanted.”
Dean doesn’t say anything, heart pounding desperately as he watches Cas turn and go. Part of him wants to say something to stop him, but why should he? He’s not the one who treats Cas like a disposable fuck toy.
All right, that’s probably not fair. But Dean is too pissed to care about fair right now, the feeling of waking to a cold, empty bed that morning still lingering with him, along with Michael’s dismissive voice from two years ago echoing in his head, telling him you’re being needy, Dean. Don’t make this into something it’s not.
Fuck. His issues with Michael are something he probably should have dealt with ages ago, before they had the chance to ruin what he has with Cas. But who says what he has with Cas is even worth saving? Maybe Dean should just end it now, save himself further hurt along the way.
The thought of ending things with Cas makes him mildly nauseous, though, so Dean pushes it out of his mind. It’s a problem for another day. Right now, he needs to concentrate on work.
Cas doesn’t drop by the next day. Or the day after that. By the third Cas-less day, Dean can barely concentrate on work, so preoccupied with watching his door, waiting for Cas to come waltzing inside without so much as a knock, telling Dean that it’s alright and that he’s forgiven.
Then again, Dean doesn’t really want to be forgiven, because he did nothing wrong. Holding Cas accountable for his shitty behavior is not being needy, Michael. Even if Cas sees him as just a hook-up, he could at least do Dean the courtesy of telling him.
By the end of the day, Dean has worked himself into a confused frenzy of anger, worry, and regret, and finding Cas sitting on his living room couch when he gets home is about the last thing he expects.
And yet.
“Long day?” Cas asks as he gets up, approaching Dean slowly.
Dean sputters. “What the hell are you doing here?”
“I didn’t want to interrupt you at work.” Cas stops just a couple of feet away from him, reaching his hand out to grasp the lapel of Dean’s coat. “Aren’t you going to take that off?”
And Dean should have known. Of course Cas is only here for sex. That’s all he ever wants Dean for.
“I’ll keep it on,” Dean says frostily. “How did you get inside?”
Cas shrugs lazily. “It was easy. We really should see about getting you some better security.”
“We,” Dean echoes. “You really planning on sticking around that long?”
Cas blinks, looking taken aback. Dean sighs, shouldering his way past him and into the apartment, putting his briefcase down on the kitchen counter and shrugging off his coat (not because Cas told him to. His apartment is just really warm, okay?).
“Have I given you any reason to doubt that?”
Dean scoffs. “You haven’t given me any reason to believe that, let’s put it that way. Or are you gonna try and tell me this isn’t just about sex? That you weren’t planning on moving on as soon as the novelty wore off?”
There’s no response from Cas. Dean turns around, heart catching in his throat at the sight of Cas, still standing in the foyer, looking as lost as Dean has ever seen him. It’s so far from the confident and demanding presence he usually exudes effortlessly, it almost hurts to watch.
“Dean, I-” Cas snaps his mouth shut, looking frustrated. “I can’t afford any emotional commitments.”
Dean’s heart sinks. He should have seen this coming but some stupid part of him was still holding onto hope. “Well, you won’t have to worry about that anymore.”
He stalks up to the door, grabbing the knob to swing it open, but just as he’s about to Cas’ hand closes over his, holding it still. Dean looks up, startled, eyes meeting Cas’ just a few scant inches away.
“You don’t understand,” Cas tells him, gently prying Dean’s fingers away from the doorknob and lacing their fingers together. “I can’t afford them, but I am attached. I care for you deeply.”
Dean swallows. His heart his beating so hard, he can barely hear Cas’ quiet words over the sound of blood rushing past his ears, head spinning with the sudden revelation.
“But no matter how much I want to,” Cas continues, “I can’t show it without putting you into a very dangerous position. Above all else, I need to protect you. I couldn’t live with myself if anything happened to you, I love you too much to see you get hurt.”
“You-- you love me?”
Cas ducks his gaze, cheeks flushing a light pink. “I understand if you don’t-”
“I love you too,” Dean blurts out, feeling an answering blush rising to his own cheeks. “Jesus, Cas, of course I do. I’ve been driving myself crazy, thinking this was just about sex for you.”
In the next instance Cas’ palms are cupping his cheek and he’s pulling Dean in for a fiery kiss, backing him into the door, pressing his body tight against Dean’s. Dean moans brokenly, wrapping his arms around Cas’ waist.
Cas pulls away, resting his forehead against Dean’s. “I’m so sorry I lead you to believe that. I needed to keep my distance, but I never considered what it might seem like to you.”
“It’s okay,” Dean breathes, feeling a little light-headed from that kiss. He laughs breathlessly. “I mean, at least half of it was just my issues over my shitty ex.”
Cas’ brows furrowed. “What is his name?”
Tempting as it is to let Cas punish Michael however he sees fit, Dean would rather not have that on his conscience. Or possibly his police record. “Doesn’t matter. It was a long time ago.” He reaches one hand down, grasping Cas’ butt cheek and giving it a firm squeeze. “Now take me to bed.”
“Is this just about sex to you?” Cas chastises, though he can barely keep from smiling as he says it.
“It’s been three days,” Dean whines. “I need you to fuck me already.”
Cas hums, pressing a teasing kiss against Dean’s lips, backing away as Dean tries to chase him. “It has been too long. I think you need to be reminded of who’s in charge here.”
A shiver runs down Dean’s spine. “I’ll do whatever you want,” he says, “just be there when I wake up.”
Cas thumb runs over his cheek. It’s such an uncharacteristically gentle gesture, so far removed from the way he usually is that it has Dean’s breath catching in his throat. “I will.”
And Dean believes him.
#blazeeblake#avyssoseleison#deancas#spn fanfic#dean smith x mafioso cas#dean smith#mafioso!cas#perlukafarinn writes#this fight ended up a bit more one-sided than i intended#but that's where the story took me#i hope you like anyway :)#au fic
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Acephobia, Allosexuality, and what it means to be Queer
I’ve been meaning to provide a comprehensive overview of the so-called “ace discourse” that seems to course through the internet every few years, like a UTI that’s survived 3 half-hearted trials of antibiotics, only ever fading- never dying. As an asexual individual that has been out in this world since the Year of our Lord 2010, there have been wild misconceptions surrounding this issue for as long as I can remember. Let’s start with some basics, just for fun.
Disclaimer: As an alloromantic person, I will not be speaking in regard to aromantics. Most of this stuff can be generalized, sure, but I don’t want to act like I know what it’s like to be aromantic when I truly don’t. Write your own analyses! Speak out! Smash the cishetallopatriarchy!
Asexual? Like a plant?
No, I do not experience a sexual attraction to myself. No, not all asexuals masturbate, nor do all asexuals not masturbate. I have never once woken up with a clone of myself nestled beside me, having reproduced as a microorganism would. These may seem silly things to think in this year, but this was the majority of conversation when I first began to come out. Figured I might as well get them out of the way early on.
Asexuality is defined as a non-normative lack of sexual attraction to anyone regardless of gender. “Normative” is a handy little word that means “outside of the spectrum which is considered “normal” by society”. For example, the construct of cisnormativity implies that being cisgender is the “normative” state for an individual to be. Thus, in the definition, you can hopefully begin to see what’s so queer about asexuality. Here are some more terms the community has!
Sex-positive Ace: An asexual individual who does not mind having sex
Sex-negative Ace: An asexual individual who would prefer to have no sex at all
Sex-repulsed Ace: An asexual individual who abhors all forms of sexual contact- for some, this includes activities like visiting a gynecologist.
Demi-asexual/Demisexual: An asexual that can experience sexual attraction once they have reached a level of closeness with an individual.
Grey-asexual: An asexual that experiences some level of sexual attraction, though not nearly enough to be considered within the “normative” range
Allosexual: A person that experiences a normative level of sexual attraction. Consider this term to be much like the terms “white”, “cisgender”, “abled”, “heterosexual”, and the like. It’s not that it’s necessarily bad to be this way, it’s just that being this way protects you from the discrimination that asexuals experience. Some dislike the term because “it groups me in with heterosexuals!”, but truly any adjective does that. I don’t see people saying “don’t call me white, it groups me in with heterosexuals!”.
It is truly not up to a bystander to determine whether or not someone is asexual. Personally, I knew that I was the moment I saw the term. Many said things along the lines of “Oh, you’re 15, you just haven’t bloomed yet”. However, I wouldn’t say that the analysis that you must be “of age” to identify as anything is necessarily true- Part of the reason I identified so heavily with the term was that I could feel how abnormal I was.
My friends would talk about topics around sex, and I felt incredibly unengaged. I felt like the only person within my age group that felt the way I did. The sense of being an outsider was what caused me to gravitate to understanding myself as an asexual individual. Regardless of the sex-positive education I sought, despite having a friend group that adamantly put down any slut shaming, I could never find it within me to be sexually attracted to anyone. Many told me I was broken. I certainly felt that way. Finding a proper way to define myself helped me to embrace my difference instead.
Queer Enough To Ride
I would first like to reach out to those of you that believe that asexuality is not “queer” enough to be part of the LGBTQIA+ community- I understand why you want to gatekeep, that is- to staff the entrance to the community, deciding who is and who is not allowed within. Many of you are bisexual, nonbinary, and other queer folks that were once the subject of the “are you queer enough to ride” argument.
I myself gatekept like you did. I quantified how trans a person needed to be to be considered part of the umbrella. I attempted to divide the bisexual community between “fake” and “real” bisexuals. I did this largely for one reason- I felt like I didn’t belong. I felt that, by providing a baseline, I could place myself squarely into a place of validity. If I could say where “not queer” began, I could say that I was surely queer! In my desperation to prove myself, I denounced the experiences of others. What I’ve now realized is an amazing concept: if we were to define all folks that felt ostracized for their presentations of gender and orientation (and wish to identify with the word itself, which not everyone does) as queer, that automatically does include us!
As for using the word “queer”? I’ll turn to a very good friend of mine for this one - @neurostorm
Oh goodie, another fight over the operational definition of the word ‘queer.’
If you are taking the reclaimed slur approach, then NBs (which were largely unknown when the slur was at its apex and was strategically reclaimed), transmasculine people (whom the oppressor barely knows exist), and arguably even cis lesbians (who often had different slurs hurled toward them exclusively) don’t have a right to use it either; because the slur was disproportionately applied to gay men and transfeminine people (since the oppressor believed they were one and the same).
However, it was agreed that by extension of a general oppression that all gay people and all trans people could “have” it. It was this same idea of general oppression that started the LGBT+ coalition, since on a 10,000 foot level, the oppressor saw them all as just different manifestations of the same thing.
The redefinition of the slur to become synonymous with the political coalition was part of its reclamation. The strategy was twofold. First- use its deliberate fuzziness to capture all the edge cases, as gender and sexuality are highly individualized. Second - use this re-branding to neutralize the slur’s power further by completely transforming it to mean something else entirely in the hearts and minds of the cis-hetero world.
Regardless of how one defines that term, there is one very basic truth. It has ABSOLUTELY NO BEARING on who gets to be considered a part of the greater LGBT+ coalition, whether or not the term is used to define it!
So with that said, how SHOULD we define those who are included?
Opinions vary, but strictly for the “sexuality” part of the equation of things, my personal definition I tend to fall back to is that it meets 3 basic categories.
1. Its a significant departure from standard sexuality.
2. It’s a significant departure from expectations placed upon you by society’s sexual defaults.
3. It has a major impact on ones life in how they relate to society’s sexual expectations.
This doesn’t imply oppression a priori, and this is deliberate. Oppression is a byproduct of greater society being shitty to certain groups based on their identity, not a part of their identity itself (if it was, then that identity ceases to exist if the oppression against it stops, and I don’t stop being autistic just because I wake up in a paradise where abelism doesn’t exist).
Oppression would be that there is a systemic pattern of mistreatment and bias that conforms to and is promoted by the power structures that be, disempowering and marginalizing the other group for their deviance from the imagined normal.
So then, about the aces. Where do they fall in in regards to this criteria.
1. Asexuality is a significant departure from standard sexuality, as standard sexuality assumes a moderate-to-high level of libido and desire by default (less so for female perceived people, but less is not none).
2. Asexuality is a significant departure from expectations placed upon one because they are expected to perform sexuality and have a certain level of desire in order to be seen as good partners (and in the case of male-identified people, have their gender validated).
3. This has a major impact on ones life because the expectation and desire of sexuality (or at least the performance thereof for the sake of another) is seen as a default part of romantic relationships to the point where it is implicitly believed by some that it is the sole reason they exist. It has a major impact in that it is always assumed to be childhood trauma, shyness, and “not meeting the right person” (and you know what, even when that is the case it doesn’t invalidate the asexuality they have).
I’ll return to their infodump in just a bit, as they did have more to say. No, they are neither cis nor het, if you’re intent in devaluing their opinion. In fact, they’re not ace! So I will add some of my experience to the meat of their argument.
I currently identify as GenderVague (being on the autism spectrum, I don’t necessarily have the best grasp of structures like “gender”), bi/panromantic, and asexual. I did not come out as any form of nonbinary until 2014, as I didn’t have the terms to describe myself, and I did not come out as non-heteroromantic until I forced myself into a state of inebriation (read: became absolutely plastered) and, well, slept with a girl to prove myself.
I knew that I liked girls, don’t get me wrong! It’s just incredibly hard to prove that, you see, when you’re asexual. I could say that I crushed on girls since the 3rd grade all I liked, but I was forever a “fake bisexual” until I could say that I had sex with a woman. That community mindset (and a desire to not disappoint my allosexual gf) led to me doing what I did, all in the effort to validate myself.
I guess I’m bringing all of this up to say this- whenever I hear people talking about those “cishet aces” always “trying to invade” yadda yadda, I see myself in 2012. To the majority of queer folks, I absolutely appeared straight, being closeted. I’m certain asexual aromantics also are devalued as “straight” for the same reasons. I don’t think any of us are any less queer, forcing ourselves to have sex or not. I also really don’t think anyone whose m.o. is not being interested in sex will get much of anything besides community from being recognized as queer.
And for those that identify as heteroromantic in full spirit? I’m going to echo what asexual people of all orientations have been saying- if you say that they’re not welcome, but you say that I’m welcome, you’re specifically stating that my experiences as an asexual person are nothing. Since I personally received far more discrimination for being asexual than for being bi (I emphasize personally, as everyone has different experiences), I feel invalidated when people say I wouldn’t be queer without being bi. You can’t consider my asexuality queer while at the same time stating that asexuality as a whole is not queer.
Let’s go onto the second half of @neurostorm ‘s rant-
As for oppression, there is a systemic pattern of mistreatment and marginalization against asexual people that favors the power structure. The Asexual community can probably answer this in more detail, but off the top of my head, one example of systemic oppression is that society sees a low-libido as a kind of arrested development of maturation (which plays in to abelism in some ways too). Society will pressure asexuals to perform sexuality and force-spark development through things such as corrective rape. Society will flat out erase the existence of asexual people (I know many an evangelical who believe that there is no such thing as an asexual person, and that anybody who says so is just trying to virtue signal and hasn’t admitted their “sins of the heart” to themselves).
All of these examples and more are promoted, encouraged, and tacitly accepted by greater society at large. All of these examples are born from and promoted by minor and major biases saturated in the consciousness of the majority of the population, and favoring the power structure that currently exists.
That effectively MAKES it oppression using the definition I provided earlier. It is a “…systemic pattern of mistreatment and bias that conforms to and is promoted by the power structures that be, disempowering and marginalizing the other group [in this case, asexuals] for their deviance from the imagined normal.”
So to recap. My argument is as follows.
1. The strategy to re-brand “queer” as a coalition name is deliberate and decided upon by the greater LGBT+ community in roughly the 1990s-2000s. If someone personally doesn’t want to be referred to that way, that’s all well and good, but it’s not their place to tell another how they should refer to themselves. This applies to any reclaimed slur, term, or identity phrasing (i.e. the argument of identity-first language vs person-first language in the greater disabled community [other disabled folks can refer to themselves however they want, but they don’t get to tell me I HAVE to use person-first language when I greatly prefer identity-first language to describe myself]).
2. Regardless of how 'queer’ is operationally defined, that has no bearing on whether or not asexuals can be part of the greater political coalition.
3. Going by what I feel is a reasonable set of basic criteria, Asexuals ARE qualified to be a part of the greater political coalition.
4. It can be demonstrably proven that asexuals are systemically oppressed by virtue of their asexuality.
There’s certainly folks that are attempting at this very moment to argue that allowing asexuals into pride will mean that ace voices will take over “more important ones”. I would like to introduce you to a concept that every pride I’ve been involved in fails to implement- prioritizing intersectional voices. Giving the mic to trans lesbians of color instead of white cis gay men. For the love of Marsha P.
Hell, as a disabled, trans, bi, asexual, autistic immigrant I’m 10 times as intersectional as Tyler Oakley, so can we stop making him our first choice for a speaker? I’ll get off this tangent, but my point is that I am actively dreaming of a world where people that are only one letter of the whole acronym don't speak over all the rest of us. I don’t think it’s fair to be fearful of asexual folks taking up space when our community is so blatantly whitewashed and ciswashed as it stands. Speak out in favor of intersectionality for everyone, stop giving white cis gay men a pass to speak over everyone.
Acephobia
Acephobia, Acemisia, Aceantagonism- There’s a multitude of names to describe the systematic oppression and violence that asexual folks experience. I personally prefer “Acemisia” because it takes up fewer Twitter characters and doesn’t associate itself with mental ailments like agoraphobia, but I’ll call it acephobia since that’s what the kids on here are saying.
Acephobia, like other forms of discrimination, is too wide to be wholly understood in a simple lesson, so forgive me if I don’t touch on some issues. In general, oppression exists on multiple levels-
Institutional violence- discrimination written into schools, churches, public offices, and other power structures that make up The State.
Social violence- discrimination carried out as an unwritten social rule through everyday language and encounters
Physical/sexual violence- murder, rape, the fun stuff! /sarcasm
I’m going to try to address each level the best that I can, so bear with me.
Institutions & Asexuality
Many queer folks will use religious texts and fundamentalist Christian views to outline why their oppression in society is legitimate, and this is because The Church is an institution that entwines itself in a lot of issues of morality and law, especially in regards to marriage and love. A common argument that I hear is that asexual folks face no such oppression in that system. However, as an asexual who has discussed this issue for the better part of 7 years at this point, I have discovered this- fundamentalist Christian people do hate asexuality, specifically because it throws a wrench in the idea that one has to consummate a marriage. For those unfamiliar, consummation of a marriage is the act of having sex after a wedding in order to prove the marriage legitimate.
“But isn’t asexuality the same thing as chastity??” you ask, clearly illustrating that you don’t get the point that we are not experiencing any sexual attraction at all, no matter how hard we try. The problem is that asexual folks don’t “get over” this “phase”. Many of us are unable to consummate marriages, and to not consummate a marriage deems the marriage, in the eyes of the church, illegitimate. This isn’t merely a thought experiment- I do know asexual folks that legitimately were run out of their home for disclosing that they would never marry “the way God intended”. That’s actually a reason for marriage cancellation- “annulment due to a failure to consummate the marriage”. Thus, you can see that the institution of the church, which affects the institution of marriage, which we all know impacts relationships very intimately, has a very marked issue with putting its head around the idea of a sexless marriage. When the same-sex-marriage debate was still young in the early 2000s, many opponents claimed that the reason same-sex marriage was sinful was because the process of consummation would require, in their gross words, “sodomy”. I brought up that many asexual homoromantic couples were likely seeking the ability to marry, and this idea jarred them further- they were outraged that anyone could refuse to consummate a marriage, and stated that a sexless marriage was effectively more of an insult to God than a marriage that brought forth “sodomy” [blech].
There are other institutions where asexuality is actively discriminated against within- I was actually given an intervention in a liberal middle school for writing in health class that I had no plans to have sex, and I quote, “never never ever EVERRR!!!”. I know, mildly excessive, but I was completely sex-repulsed at that age. Multiple teachers were brought in to try to convince me, stating that at my age, “you really need to be thinking about sex rather than trying to avoid it”. Even though this program focused on encouraging students to abstain from sex until they’re ready, they found it problematic that I had no interest in “EVERRR!!!” performing the act. It spoke heavily to the hypocrisy that even abstinence-encouraging programs have when faced with asexual students.
Asexuality in Society
There were countless YouTubers that popped up around the year 2010 that discussed in depth the social ramifications of coming out as an asexual individual. One in particular that I followed was swankivy, who was immersed in discourse in the immensely queerphobic 2009 youtube and OkCupid community. She heard everything from “you’re clearly a lesbian in denial, come out of the closet and join us” to “you’re straight because that’s the default”. In fact, she has almost a decade’s worth of videos titled “Letters to an Asexual” that highlight the sorts of comments we receive on a daily basis. If you couldn’t already guess, many of the comments indicated that she wouldn’t be so controversial if she could pick a “real” sexuality, and stick with it. People often told her things like “it’s ok to be a lesbian” after she had already argued extensively that her asexuality was how she was made and who she was. I know that 2009 youtube videos don’t age the best, so take all of those low-quality films with a grain of salt- a lot of homophobia got launched at her in the early days, and nobody in 2009 was entirely unproblematic.
As the asexual community began to receive recognition from both queer and cis/het communities, their placement was treated like a game of hot potato. We didn’t fit in with the cis/het community, as we still got accused of being broken for not experiencing sexual attraction. The queer community hasn’t wanted us either, for largely the same reasons. We were too deviant to fit in with the mythical norm, and simultaneously too deviant to fit in with the counter-norm. Both communities had very staunch views on sex that we couldn’t fit into.
Eventually, the A in LGBTQIA+ made space for us. By the year of 2011, I began to see space made in the queer community as a whole for asexual folks. Many empathized with our struggle to find a place of belonging, especially bisexual and trans folks that had been overshadowed by the L and the G for decades. This was a magical moment for me. I didn’t get queer theory at this point. I didn’t totally understand gender & sexuality studies at 16. There was just a piece of me that finally felt welcome. I was allowed to be myself, and everyone was expected to educate themselves on my lived experience to make that possible. I stopped being bombarded with questions and started being able to talk to asexual lesbian and bi girls, asexual trans folks, and everyone else that showed me that it just might be ok for me to be more complicated than society would like me to be.
… I’m typically a person that speaks uniquely in logical & academic terms, but looking back at that moment in time is difficult for me to succinctly verbalize. It is incredible to find a place of belonging… I don’t think I would have survived had I not had a community. Being an asexual teen was only bearable the moment people said “You know what? It sucks that people are shitty to you for not being into sex. You can hang out here, we think you’re pretty cool anyways. If you wanna talk about sex we’re down but we totally respect how you were made and know what it’s like to be forced into being someone you aren’t”. I can prove to you with study upon study that unconditional love and acceptance is absolutely integral to a developing teen, but I don’t think even that would attest enough to how blessed I was to find a community who was ok with the way I was.
Asexuality, Sex, and Rape
This section contains sensitive content that details largely my personal experiences with corrective rape and coercion. If you may have a difficult time reading, give yourself a moment to prepare. I feel that this discussion isn’t nearly whole without this piece.
Firstly, we must discuss the term “corrective rape”. I hear often that it is impossible for me to have experienced corrective rape, as I do not identify as a lesbian woman. Let’s break this down as gently as possible- Firstly, if you’re going to claim that asexual corrective rape is “appropriation” of a lesbian term, I hope you also exclude white lesbians from using that term, seeing as a doctor coined it in discussing the corrective rape of black lesbian women in South Africa. Alternatively, we can understand that it’s a term that very succinctly identifies an experience in which someone is targeted for sexual assault in the attempt to “cure” them of an undesirable sexuality. We really ought to give more credit to black innovations of language in general, but I think you see the point that it’s easier to say “I was correctively raped” than “I was targeted for rape by a bisexual guy that believed that asexuality specifically needed to be raped out of someone”. Hopefully, we’re clear on this now.
In 2012, I met Eric Epperson at an anime-con sort of event. He was a bi cisgender allosexual man. He knew I was asexual, and promised that we could “go slow” if I agreed to date him. Seeing as this was my first ever experience with a relationship (and being autistic and easily manipulated), I naively agreed to date him. He, predictably, did not hold true to his promise and forced me to become sexual with him early on in the relationship by saying “well how will I know you really love me if you’re not willing to make love to me?”. He was very effective at discreetly threatening me with abandonment and slander (and more, later) were I to ever say no to his advances.
Some months into the abusive relationship, I finally persuaded him to watch a documentary on Asexuality in the hopes that he would learn how uncomfortable I was with sex. He made multiple comments on how effectively raping the male star would make him give up asexuality (He was a “feminist”, though, so he never called what he did rape). He referred to asexuals featured as “creepy freaks”. He boasted about how he had cured me and turned me into a “normal person” by threatening me and guilting me into allowing him to do what he wanted to me. He commented on what a sad, empty life the male star must have, not knowing the joy of having Eric’s dick inside of him. He and his mother, a cisgender bisexual woman, were laughing by the end of the documentary about the “freaks who need help”. Eric later admitted that he targeted me specifically because he was interested in “curing” a “weirdo” like me. He had a phrase for it too. “I’ll turn you Epper-sexual”. He intended, from the start, to “cure” me.
I’m lucky to have been set free from the relationship, even though it was only because he found a 13-year-old lesbian to “turn eppersexual”.
A month after being let go, I met a stunningly beautiful girl. I’ll call her M. She was incredibly effeminate and reserved and had long, brown, curly hair and freckles. I was smitten. Only being a month away from the abuse, I was in a very vulnerable position and asked her to be my girlfriend. Initially, she was okay with “taking it slow”, but eventually she confessed that she really wanted to have sex with me. Afraid that I would be discounted as a “fake bisexual”, I got incredibly drunk (I became severely alcoholic, but that’s another article) and satisfied her as best I could. It was fine at the time, but the aftermath is why seeing her on campus to this day tears my heart.
We broke up because I was way too traumatized by my abuse to hold together a relationship, and drinking and using all day forced me to drop out of college. We initially had planned to stay friends, until a mutual friend of ours broke up with their girlfriend because she was pressuring them to have sex with her, and they were asexual. They felt it better to break it off than to leave them wanting.
“If you’re asexual, you really need to give that up if you really want to satisfy your partner!” she said. “I mean, Ren did it!”
I called her out for that comment, and we haven’t spoken since.
I’m just one asexual out of millions. The fact that countless others can attest to having dated Ms and Erics should speak volumes- after all, the personal is the political. That is to say, I’m not an isolated case. What happened to me was bred from a culture that, at its core, devalues asexuality. I can only hope that M’s learned better since, but I know for a fact that Eric continues to be on the hunt for kids like who I was.
A Positive Note
That last section was totally trauma central so I’m going to end on a positive note.
To keep what happened to me from happening to others, we need a cultural shift. Rather than attempting to quantify how bad acephobia is compared to transphobia and homophobia etc, we need to realize that every human has an intersectional experience. It’s not a matter that an asexual biromantic black woman is oppressed more than a disabled autistic gay trans man- people living in intersections experience overlaps and magnifications of oppression in such complexities that to state something as over-arching as “any black person is more oppressed than any trans person” is not only devaluing but too simplistic to account for personal experiences. Instead, it would be more accurate to say that the woman and man mentioned earlier experience different disadvantages in society, not more or less.
Not one asexual person is demanding that all allosexual folks stay quiet on their experiences being involved in other intersections of oppression. All we’re asking is a place at the table and a room to feel safe in.
I hope that this article was able to provide positive insight regarding the discourse. Let me know if you have any other questions!
As always, remember- progress > perfection.
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Genre: School, Slice of life, idol, comedy
Episodes: 12
Studio: Bandai Namco Pictures
Just because you’ve made your debut, doesn’t mean you’re an idol yet! That is the lesson all the boys of Dear Dream need to learn after winning the Dream Festival. Sure they’ve got an album out now and are reliably selling out venues but is that enough to really make them into a unit the fans can keep cheering for? It’s not enough to just show up for the concerts anymore. Each of them will have to find their own path and hone their persona skills so they can make the group shine! All while newcomers Kurofune are nipping at their heels to take their place on stage. Will Dear Dream prevail and shine brighter than ever before?
Now see, that’s a summary! I gave you a good idea of what the season holds without putting any spoilers in. I remembered both the bands’ names. I even dropped a little leading question their at the end to add some suspense and make you want to find out more. Clearly, my true calling has always been to write summaries specifically for boy idol shows. Preferably ones that are commercial tie in for mobile games or something. Sounds like a super lucrative career to me! You know what they say, find work you love doing and you’ll never work a day in your life!
for some reason this show had so much amazing looking food…
Dream Festival! R is the second season of Dream Festival and it is in all production respects, the same. Cute designs with decent detail and consistent art. Functional backgrounds. Pared down animation covered up by a lot of still shot montages and creepy creepy CG concert scenes that will haunt your nightmares!
The voice acting is superbly .suited, as in I wouldn’t be surprised if the characters were voiced by actual idols. There’s something so energetic and just pointedly earnest in all the deliveries. It’s not exactly good so much as I love it…
This is pretty much the tagline of the entire show, and a lot of boy idol shows I have watched. Not exactly good but I love it. (Some I hated…)
not you…you are great!
I was and am (at time of writing) watching Penguindrum and it’s a very immersive experience for me. In order to not get overwhelmed I figure I would choose something so light it could float away and of little to no consequence. Yup, season 2 of an airy idol show I enjoyed was the perfect candidate. And I got just what I expected. A very light show with simple characters and obvious plots that required very little of me as an audience.
But you know what else. I was smiling widely and honestly throughout the entire thing.
It’s no secret that times have been a bit more stressful than usual for pretty much everyone everywhere. And although I think it’s not only enjoyable, but rewarding to engage with entertainment that’s thought provoking and mindfully crafted, there’s something to be said for the mindless, harmless fun of pure fluff.
and monkeys!
I think some of us have a tendency to devalue these types of shows. Be it fluffy idol shows, aimless slice of life or mild fanservice vehicles. I often see them described either implicitly or even explicitly as lower forms of entertainment. For the uneducated masses or for those that don’t have the brain capacity to appreciate greater art. That sort of stuff. Obviously no one in my reader base would ever think that way or else they wouldn’t stick around this blog for very long. But I’m sure we’ve all seen this type of dialogue at least once. And not only about anime!
I’ve seen it about books, movies, live action television, even music! Not only do people occasionally arbitrarily decide one form of fiction or one form if entertainment is of lesser intrinsic value but you occasionally see people getting low key shamed for enjoying these forms of entertainment. And that’s just sad…
Dream Festival! R or otherwise, is not a great show. The characters are pretty superficial and largely archetypes. The plots are fairly contrived and often dip into the ridiculous. But that’s what it wants to be. This isn’t a show pretending to have deep cultural significance or to change your life in a meaningful way. It’s a series of fun little stories that don’t make too much sense, full of cute boys to make you laugh in the moment and forget about the next day.
And in that sense, Dream Festival did a fantastic job!
yay!
I know very few people care about these types of anime. Whenever I review a series, I will start noticing other bloggers that have reviewed it not that long ago or that come out with reviews surprisingly close to when mine is scheduled for release. Even though they are often older shows and there’s no reason to be talking about them now specifically. It’s something that happens really often, considering the amount of blogs I follow. It ever ever happens with my boy idol reviews.
And maybe that’s fair enough. It’s not for everyone. It’s a super cheesy genre that often as unintentionally funny as it is intentionally so. And the archetypes and tropes they so lovingly and unabashedly embrace are a big part of the experience, so if those aren’t for you, you’re likely to find watching Dream Feastival! R downright painful.
if you survive the at all…
However, I haven’t laughed this much and in such a carefree way in a long time. For the one of you who cares about boy idol shows out there and discovered my blog some day, I would say Dream Festival is in fact my second favourite of the genre behind Idolish 7. There’s no shoehorned love story like Magi-kyun or Uta no Prince Sama that gets in the way of the hilarious and it’s completely and entirely unpretentious. The fact that it’s so blazen about being a mobile game commercial, to the point of incorporating game play mechanics as in universe details, also adds certain moments of surreal absurdity that are difficult to match.
So really all I have to say is Go Dear Dream! You Can Do It!!!
Kurofume are a huge part f the show, I just didn’t’ get a chance to use screencaps of them…
Favourite character: Ritsu has always been the best, there should have been more of him!
What this anime taught me: A true idol has a monkey companion
Why limit your happy to an hour?
Suggested drink: Black Ship
Every time it’s Dorika time – cheer
Every time anyone is changing – fan yourself
Every time Asume punches someone – take a sip
Every time there’s a shower or bath scene – oh my….
Every time there’s a still shot dance montage – dance along somehow
Every time you hear the word princess – blush
Every time anything s beyond ultimate – take a sip
Every time Chizu is on fire – get some water
Every time you see AIM GOAT – there’s a chance I hallucinated this but it made me laugh every time
Every time an outfits features useless chains or buckles – take a sip
Every time we see Ritsu – Celebrate!
Every time Kaneda’s hair is down – take a sip
Of course, I took more screencaps. Who do you take me for! I put them on Pinterest too.
Dream Festival! R – Don’t Let Your Dreams be Dreams! Genre: School, Slice of life, idol, comedy Episodes: 12 Studio: Bandai Namco Pictures Just because you've made your debut, doesn't mean you're an idol yet!
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Christina Aguilera finds her ‘Liberation’
New Post has been published on https://latestnews2018.com/christina-aguilera-finds-her-liberation/
Christina Aguilera finds her ‘Liberation’
After a six-year hiatus, the pop star returns transformed, and says she feels like a brand new artist
In the 20 years since Christina Aguilera’s arrival helped usher in a new era of pop, the performer has shown she’s unafraid of transformation.
Aguilera famously torched the bubblegum teen-pop image crafted for her with a pair of leather chaps and edgier genre-blending music that announced a young woman in full control of her agency. It shocked America and the then 21-year-old singer was slut-shamed by critics, peers and even Tina Fey.
At one point she took her cues from the styles of the 1920s-1940s, committing wholly to a vintage pin-up aesthetic to match the modern take on vintage jazz, soul and blues she was exploring.
She’s assumed the role of a cyborg, channelled Marilyn Monroe and Marilyn Manson — for the same project — and re-emerged as a blissed-out earth mother.
Shape-shifting has always been a part of Aguilera’s charm, but her real appeal lies in that voice.
With a fiery range that recalled early Whitney Houston, Aguilera was able to separate herself from the pack of pop ingenues reaching superstar status during the early aughts.
For a generation who hit puberty during the great Y2K pop explosion, Aguilera was an essential voice with music that tackled self-empowerment, feminism, sex and domestic violence — subject matter her contemporaries were shying away from.
Just look at the lasting impact of 2002’s “Stripped,” her most ambitious work to date and an album that has since become a blueprint for the likes of Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato — young singers who have all come of age in front of the public and sought to shed their manufactured image the way Aguilera once did.
Aguilera has sold over 50 million records worldwide, notched dozens of Billboard Hot 100 hits, won six Grammys, dipped into film and helped make NBC’s The Voice a TV phenomenon.
Yet the past decade has been shaky for Aguilera on the music front.
Her most recent work — 2010s underrated Bionic and it’s mostly forgotten follow-up Lotus — wasn’t met with the same fanfare she was used to and a lengthy stint on The Voice left Aguilera’s fans wondering if she would ever return to music.
Now 37, Aguilera is undertaking her latest reinvention, one that was fuelled by the singer-songwriter feeling “disconnected” from her purpose.
“I had to get back to my own artist body and self,” she says.
Finding her way back to herself and her passion is the core of Liberation, her first album in six years.
Debuting at No. 6 on the Billboard 200 upon its release last month, Liberation showcases a creatively renewed Aguilera, but don’t call it a comeback: “I feel like a brand new artist,” she says.
Leaning mostly toward R & B and hip-hop, genres that have always informed her style, Aguilera’s new album isn’t about being progressive or chasing a trend — she’s not interested in any of that, she says — but instead it’s about showcasing an artist reborn after losing her footing.
The collection is some of her more forward-thinking work in years. When she’s not doing a mix of The Sound of Music with Michael Jackson, she’s crafting downtempo R & B with D.C. rapper GoldLink, smashing the patriarchy and navigating collaborations with Ty Dolla Sign, Kanye West, Anderson. Paak and MNEK.
And yes, she’s embraced a new look — this time, however, she’s found inspiration in her own skin which is why these days her aesthetic is more stripped back (her album cover is just her bare face).
While tending to her 3-year-old daughter, Summer Rain, Aguilera discussed the four-year journey to Liberation, her first tour in a decade and why she gave up The Voice.
For a while there it felt like an album was never going to materialise.
I do take my time with records, but Jesus, yeah, this one was a while in waiting — for many different factors and reasons. I love collaborating so much and taking the time to get to know the people that you’re working with and truly do something meaningful and not just commercialised and cliche. I’m not the artist that’s going to just get a bunch of songs from my label, record it and put it in a little bow and send it off.
What kept you away from music for so long?
I felt disconnected for a while and I wasn’t in the right head space either being in an environment that was just not good for me.
That environment you’re referring to is The Voice. You said you felt suffocated as a judge. When did it stop being fun for you?
Nobody expected [The Voice] to be as big as Idol or take off the way it did. It just became a whole different kind of a machine. You’d have two teams at once because they were overlapping seasons. It just wasn’t exactly what I wanted to be doing with my life. I’m not a spokesperson. I’m an artist.
The blind audition thing was very intriguing to me because it provided an opportunity for anybody to get on stage and be discovered, regardless of their look. Being in this business for so long and knowing how labels work and how packaging is so very important, that idea of not being able to see them was genius to me. But year by year, I kept seeing things that were not lining up with that original vision. The show progressed in a direction I wasn’t into and that I didn’t think was a lot of times fair.
Do you think there’s still any value to singing competition shows?
Look, everybody has their own experience, and I don’t want to devalue anyone’s own experience with any of those shows. As an artist, I believe in artists being able to express themselves how they feel they should. Just know there’s a lot of other people involved in those shows. Certain factors and things are dictated according to what ratings will be. It’s definitely a business. I also saw blatant things that I didn’t think were OK and that I’m sure no one would want to put up with in a work environment. It was important for me to step away.
Your last projects weren’t critical or commercial successes. Did that add any pressure while working on Liberation?
Because I am a real vocalist, I have always heard, “Why don’t you just stand and do a bunch of ballads?” That’s just one element of what I do, but it’s not everything. I would be so bored if I sat on the stage and just sang ballad after ballad. I’m an artist. The label was great in giving me the freedom to take my time and do what I wanted. I’m no stranger to knowing how to play the game.
It is an amazing thing whenever things are commercially received and successful. I’ve had those successes with Genie in a Bottle and What a Girl Wants, and I was still miserable because I wasn’t connected to the music and wasn’t being able to change it. I’ve done my share of that and I see a lot of artists get into that trap of chasing the charts. After I’m dead and gone, I really want the music paid attention to and not because of where I charted or how commercially successful it was but because the quality has stood the test of time.
Although the album is heavily R ‘n’ B and hip-hop, it was still surprising to hear that Kanye West and Anderson. Paak were key to informing its direction. How did that happen?
I sat with Kanye a few years ago, while I was still on The Voice actually. We met at Rick Rubin’s studio where he was recording at the time — he was finishing The Life of Pablo record _ and we just connected. I loved the tracks he was playing me. That’s where I heard Maria and [the album’s lead single] Accelerate for the first time. They had so much heart and depth. His music makes you feel something impactful, one way or another. He’s a controversial artist, and I’ve been that way myself. Working with him felt really good. I had done some recording before the Kanye meeting but doing Maria with him gave me the base for the album. The whole story unfolded before me when I listened to the song.
And then Anderson really helped the album take shape. I met him last year, and things rapidly unfolded. He is just such a great musician. He’s such a great lyricist with such a strong cadence. I explored different ways to use my voice on this record, and it wasn’t all about hitting high notes and being acrobatic and full of ad-libs. I wanted to scale back again and just really vibe.
There’s always been a thread of empowerment in your music. How much of what was going on in the world influenced the music you were working on?
A: The climate right now is interesting because there are so many people that are feeling oppressed or suppressed. I’ve always been about putting out messages that I feel strongly about and about my truth. It’s why I did songs like Beautiful and Fighter so long ago and why I have songs like Fall in Line and Sick of Sittin’ on this album, records that are perfect for anyone that maybe need to find their own truth. We’re in a place where people need to feel liberated and I wanted to reflect that.
You’re going on your first tour in a decade. What can fans expect?
Ever since I had my son [Max Liron, 10], the idea of the tour has actually scared me. I was like, “How does this work? How do people do this? Do I uproot my kids from their home life and everything?” With this more intimate tour, it’s kind of lessening the pressure. I’m dipping my toe back in the water and also giving my fans a real chance to see me after they haven’t in so long. I’m probably going to take my daughter with me because she’s so little. I don’t want to be separated. It’ll be interesting.
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The thoughts of female scientists
As announced, here are the thoughts of several female scientists in response to my questions, starting with my cousin. I asked a total of nine scientists, but unfortunately, so far only three answered. I might publish another blog post with answers in the future if there are more. But for now, enjoy the thoughts of three amazing women on feminism and science. The interviews have been reproduced verbatim and are written therefore noninteractive in nature, only punctuation and obvious typos have been changed where appropriate.
Welcome to the interview, Interviewee #1. (I won't name names to prevent myself from being easily identified)
Congratulation to the grant for women scientist you are to receive tomorrow. #1! Thanks for indulging your kid cousin.
1: Thank you. I am happy to contribute to your project.
I would like you to share how you feel about feminism in general, in your own words, and whether you self-identify as a feminist.
1: Hm, feminism is a phrase with many complex associations. What I definitely identify myself as is a person who believes that every human is unique and has individual qualities and talents, and is defined by much more than their sex/gender. I do also believe that our society should not forgo potential by discouraging certain interests, roles, and careers in certain people based on their gender.
Beyond the danger of forgoing potential, I also generally wish to live in a free society that does not force me to restrict myself to an expectation associated with my gender.
If any of the principles described above a not fulfilled (for women OR men) I am willing to fight for it. I don't know if this fits within or requires the label "feminist."
We had a discussion long ago about a coworker of yours, who semi-jokingly said that she didn't believe that many of the women present would stay in science. As far as I remember you were irate. Would you mind sharing what you thought, and why?
1: Wow, your memory is good!
What I disliked is that she made assumptions on a group of people (here "the women") based on what she knew about some of the people in this group, but without knowing it for all of them. If she did that for "the blue-eyed people" in the room, everybody would probably find that funny. But based on gender these generalizations are so widely spread that they are often not even questioned.
You are a female scientist. What drove you to science?
1: My interest in how the world works ;-)
The data shows that women leave science more often than men do. What reasons do you see for that?
1: It is true that many women leave science. Many people leave science and among them even disproportionately many women.
For once, science as it is today, to put it very bluntly, is a kind of pyramid game with a tendency to exploit the temporary, lower stages and less and less positions further up or generally positions with a long-term perspective. (For all that don't know, for all stages of science career up to junior group leaders funding runs typically only from a couple of month to a few years). This situation leads to a lot of pressure to work harder and longer hours beyond what is usually considered full-time employment, and even despite this, many will still not get a position with long-term perspective.
Of course, this automatically leads to many people leaving science. Some because they cannot find a position anymore, and probably many more because they have enough of this kind of struggle and uncertainty.
So far this would affect men and women equally. So what leads to even more women leaving science than men?
Conservative ideas that taking care of kids is more the women's job than the men's, which combined with the biological facts that pregnancy and the infant stage, if the mother decides to breastfeed, require more investment from the mother than the father, may make the situation harder for women than men if they have children. Also, the whole short-term contract aspect and high-pressure attitude in science doesn't make it easy to take parental leave.
However, these challenges will hopefully move to become more equally distributed between men and women as it becomes more common that parental leave is shared between the parents and, as in this generation it is much more natural and widespread that childcare and household duties are shared.
(None the less, it is not unheard of that some older-fashioned bosses may forego hiring women - even if they have no children and express no desire whatsoever to have children - on the assumption that they will get kids and drop out. This is not only very backwards, since dropping out of the work force after having kids is nowadays certainly no longer the typical, it is also a generalization on large group of people only based on their gender, even though not relevant to many specific individuals of this group.)
None-the less, another aspect comes in as well. This aspect is ideas - sometimes outspoken like in the Google memo, sometimes more hidden - that women are somehow "less suited" to do certain jobs, among these sciences. There are different arguments why they are supposed to be "less suited." These go form quasi-biological discussion of differences in mental abilities or psychological traits ("women are too emotional and cause drama"), assumption that women are generally "more soft", over a personal dislike of strong women, up to people who actually would like to push their political agenda that women should stay at home by claiming, "it is the natural way how things should be" that work is split so that women take care of kids and the household. Or, the decision makers themselves don't know many female role models (because it was less common one generation back) so that they subconsciously have a higher belief in men.
For the quasi-biological explanations it can be said once and for all time: Of course sufficiently powerful tests find statistical differences in all kinds of mental and psychological traits - differences that may be caused by one of or a combination of the following factors: genetics, hormones (which are influenced by environmental factors, e.g., during gestation) and all kinds of "nurture" factors. None-the-less, these are typically only rather subtle differences in the population means and spread of the populations is largely overlapping. In a bit less statistical terms using the common example of body height (where the difference between men and women is much larger than for mental traits as far as I know): Even though women are on average smaller, there are plenty examples of induvial women who are quite a bit taller than individual men!
This means: Never say a woman is not so suited to be a pilot based on claims that women are on average worse in spatial orientation. Chances are - and if a certain one has high interest in this field maybe quite likely - that this one is far on the top edge of the distribution and better than most men and women at spatial orientation! Always look at the individual!
And one more factor comes in: That society trains many women to be "less direct," more careful, have less self-confidence.
All latter two factors (people thinking women are less suited and less self-confident expression of women) that - as studies have shown - women have to work harder and have better results than men to be perceived equally.
Let's hope this will change in the future!
Last question. Do you believe that work-life balance is easily achievable for a scientist in general, and a female scientist in particular?
1: No. Refer to the beginning of my answer to the last question ;-)
Thank you for the interview, Number 1!
1: Welcome!
Interviewee #2
I would like you to share how you feel about feminism in general, in your own words, and whether you self-identify as a feminist.
2: Personally, I do not really identify as a feminist. The reason for that is that I am bothered with some facets of feminism. Let me try to explain my slight antipathy: At least from my perspective, much in feminism and especially the concrete measures that are taken in the name of feminist interests still focus very much on making men and women equal in a way that feels like forcing everyone into the same mold, forcing gender balance everywhere and especially building a new female ideal image which is oriented more on life plans traditionally taken by men - including devaluating traditional female life plans.
However, nature is not balanced - or better; it is wonderfully diverse and balanced with different sexes and genders. Men and women are different in some aspects.
Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying that every person should just keep to traditional role models. Whenever talking about differences between men and women and drawing any conclusions from that, it is of the greatest importance to keep in mind that variances between individuals do in many cases overweigh the differences between the groups (except of some very basic biological ones.)
And that is just the point: I believe in individuality and supporting individual life paths. (It would be a very limited, and in my eyes sad, view on life to just talk about "career paths.")
Of course I realize I'm in a privileged position for having the right to choose and lead my life and career the way I want, and that this is due to women before me who have fought this battle. I am very grateful for their work.
Personally, I focus on following my interests, serving others and being good at what I do and I am confident that society will honor that, independent of my gender.
We had a discussion long ago about a coworker of Nr. 1, who semi-jokingly said that she didn't believe that many of the women present would stay in science. As far as I remember she was irate. Would you mind sharing what you think about that, and why?
2: The statement itself is no reason to be irate because it might be an accurate assessment. The question is how to deal with it: It might be problematic if the position is, e.g., used to argue that female scientists should not be encouraged, because they are "not staying anyway."
You are a female scientist. What drove you to science?
2: Fascination, curiosity and a deep passion and love for my field. I'm very lucky that I got to work in my specific area of interest (which is methodically a technical one) and this applies regardless of my gender.
The data shows that women leave science more often than men do. What reasons do you see for that?
2: I think this is because many decide to dedicate their family a higher priority in their life. (Of course, this is not limited to women, but more likely, due to biological, psychological and societal differences between the genders.)
Keeping in mind that it might be a loss for science in many cases, I think it is absolutely important that people have this right to choose without being considered a failure by society if they decide to reduce or change their career giving a higher priority to their family.
Last question. Do you believe that work-life balance is easily achievable for a scientist in general, and a female scientist in particular?
2: Of course it is always a challenge and especially as a scientist you are often tempted to work overtime, etc. due to your own drive for discovery, close deadlines, and many other reasons. But I think reasonable work-life balance and even having a family and staying in science is achievable, and in some ways maybe even easier than in other fields of work, because, e.g., in many cases a scientist can work from home relatively effectively. I also don't necessarily see a conflict between, e.g., working part-time and achieving great scientific results.
Interviewee #6
I would like you to share how you feel about feminism in general, in your own words, and whether you self-identify as a feminist.
6: There is not a strict definition of what feminism stands for as it consists of such a broad range of movements and ideologies, therefore I cannot say if I would consider myself a feminist. What I can say is that I identify with the general goal that all people should have the same opportunities to achieve something irrespective of their gender. This does not necessarily mean that men and women should be treated totally equally because there are certain disparities which cannot be rid of. For example, men cannot bear or breastfeed children, therefore especially at the end of pregnancy and shortly after giving birth women have to stay at home. Unfortunately, it is seldom the case that the parental leave is divided equally and in our society, it is still considered more the duty of the mother to care for a child than of the father. Therefore having a child is always a big career break and women sometimes loose the connection to the field or the motivation in this period of time. Sometimes I have the feeling that as a female scientist you have to choose between your family and your career, a choice most men are not forced to make. Because of this inequalities I think it justified that women receive special sponsorship helping them to stay in science.
I had a discussion long ago with Nr. 1 about a coworker of hers, who semi-jokingly said that she didn't believe that many of the women present would stay in science. As far as I remember she was irate. Would you mind sharing what you think about that, and why?
6: Even nowadays, it is hard for most women to be both a scientist and a mother because the field of science is very competitive and it is difficult to focus totally on your work and care for a child at the same time. An obstacle men do not have to face in the same amount. But of course there still are additional reasons, especially in the STEM subjects where the higher ranks consist mostly of men. In many cases, women first have to show their competence whereas from men it is assumed right from the beginning that they are good in abstract thinking. Although I think society develops in the right direction, the prejudices from the past change very slowly. One sees this when looking how scientists have been portrayed in the media in the past and nowadays. Another issue is that men often identify better with their own gender and think it is more important for their male employees to make a career because they will have to support a family in the future. Why should not I as a woman be able to support my family as well? And last but not least, men more easily form friendships with other men because they are afraid to get too cordial with the opposite sex as this could be seen as sexual harassment.
You are a female scientist. What drove you to science?
6: In my opinion science is the most valuable thing one can do with one's life. To advance knowledge somehow makes you immortal, especially in mathematics where knowledge cannot be outdated, it is either true or false and will stay so for eternity. It is also hard to argue with science. For example, I have been on an exchange for a research project and during a discussion of my work some scientists claimed I cannot do it in this way. On the spot, it was hard to convince them otherwise, but later on, I sent them a proof of my argument, and they had to accept that I was right because they could not find any mistake. In our fast living consume driven world science forms an island of purity for me.
The data shows that women leave science more often than men do. What reasons do you see for that?
6: As already mentioned, women face more hardships on the academic path concerning the compatibility of family and career, but also facing more prejudices from colleagues and society. I do not think they get discouraged more easily than men, but the requirements are not the same.
Last question. Do you believe that work-life balance is easily achievable for a scientist in general, and a female scientist in particular?
6: No, definitely not. From a scientist, it is expected to work much more than what they are employed for and for what they get paid. At the same time, they earn less than if they had gone to industry, especially as Ph.D. students where their degree is seen as their salary. You always have the pressure to publish or perish with little security for the future as most contracts are limited. If you do not publish enough and apply for grants, your funding will run out. Even if you get certain grants, the problem is that you cannot stay at the same institution for a longer period of time due to the chain contract rule. If your institution is the only one working in a certain field in the city or country, you are forced to move somewhere else leaving behind your friends and maybe also your family. If you get a permanent position, things calm down a little, but this is a long way to go, and there is much competition to get such a position. This also applies to male scientists, but the additional difficulty for women is that if they are planning to get children, this has to happen in a certain life period. If you are older than 35, pregnancies are already considered risky. Many of my male colleagues got children when they were already older than that while already holding a permanent position.
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