#we do not have the luxury of falling victim to 'both sides are bad' bullshit again | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

shitslikethis · 11 months

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i want to tell you a story

DISCLAIMER: i’m posting this bcus i thought this would be good material for poetry but i am very bad a writing poetry and felt the central message would be best communicated in regular storytelling mode

we have a cabin at the lake. my grandparents own this property as part of a very cheap (respectively) deal with the pentecostal church assembly that actually owns the land. this means there are certain rules about the community on our side of the lake and other guidelines that are more social expectations. for example: you legally cannot bring alcohol onto the property but you socially cannot even joke about this with most of the other residents (think WASP culture).

this weekend (may long) is typically known as the first weekend at the lake because it’s the best time to put in all the docks and boats that are removed in the fall to protect from freezing (we’re canadian). so every year there’s basically a party of everyone you know lifting all the heavy stuff into the freezing cold water for payment in food and dessert for lunch.

most people stay until monday but in true minimum wage fashion, me and my younger cousin both work on Sunday and had to leave right after the work finished. So she’s driving us back into the city and we’re talking about our family and the insane culture at the lake. One thing (of many) that bugged us both was the unofficial dress code for young women. My cousin and her non-religious bestie have been through frequent lectures from both my aunt and grandmother about covering up on their way to the boat. They shouldn’t wear just their swimsuits (to go surfing) they have to wear a t-shirt over top to walk (a distance of maybe 10m) to the boat. To the girls, it’s misogynist bullshit that they put up with as a small price for using a luxury they otherwise wouldn’t have access to (the boat and equipment). To my aunt and grandma, it’s about propriety.

Now, i’m gonna skip the discourse analysis on christian conservative (or even christian liberal) dogma and how this religion is inherently tied to the opression of women and protection of (even the creepiest of) men. You get it and you get why we were both ranting against it on the drive back to the city.

But some you might be a little bit lost on why would we continue to tolerate this behavior or engage with a community that fundamentally doesn’t respect us.

A) fun summer boat time where we control the music, the vibes, and how much ass we show in our swimsuits without anyone else’s input once we’re out on that water.

B) these attitudes are not as easy to get rid of as you think, and they have been passed down for generations.

Reason a) might not seem like a good enough one and you’re probably right about that. Reason b) feels like an even shittier excuse to let this happen and you’re definetly right about that. What I want to talk about is how (emotional) abuse happens and why the victims can’t just leave.

(And yes, this is emotional abuse. From my grandmother to my aunt and mom, to me and my cousins, this wound toward women has continued. The language and rules surrounding clothing and the female body has torn away at our self esteem, made us feel ashamed of ourselves, and taught us that our bodies are sinful instead of sacred. To do this damage to the confidence, self image, and identity of another person through your power as a parent is to abuse them.)

So why do I keep going back?

I was putting ice cubes in my water bottle today because it’s important to hydrate (at least I was going to until i realized that the cubes wouldn’t fit in the bottle i had chosen). Then I thought to myself:

“Wow, I wish i had some of the skinny rectangle ones like we do at the lake because they would fit perfectly.”

Right then and there, I realized that the reason we even have skinny ice cubes at the lake is because my grandmother bought the tray specifically for my aunts preferred water bottle. No one asked her to do this, and my aunt (ever the stoic) certainly didn’t complain about it or even verbalize the observation that the cubes didn’t fit.

I realized that these tiny acts of love (and yes, that’s what they are) are incredibly important to the culture of my family. They’re everywhere. From the ice cubes at the lake to the recycled hardwood greenhouse my dad built from scratch for me at christmas because i once causally observed that my apartment balcony faces the wrong direction to grow tomatoes.

I also realized that i have to acknowledge these as acts of love. If i act as if there are no positive moments with this family I will become incapable of recognizing the negative moments.

This is important because it is very hard to stand up to someone who has made it clear that they would spend hours creating (for you), that they would go to any length of effort (for you), that they notice things (about you), that they pay attention (to you), and now you’re going to go against them (for someone else).

How am I supposed to cut out a cancer that loves me? How does one tally up the acts of love and indifference? How do you decide what number of positives can outweigh a negative?

I know what my answer is and I’m confident that it’s the right one, but it made me cry anyway.

#i guess i just needed to shout this into the void #and i hope it helps anyone who understands this experience #family #family issues #emotional intelligence #emotional #emotional abuse #tw emotional neglect #emotional neglect #tw emotional abuse #body shaming #religious trauma #misogyny #female body image #dress code #text post #long post

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