#watch me razzle dazzle myself out of existence
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I have ideas... I'm making plans.
...Let's see where they lead...
If you thought because they were kids that meant they wouldn't be exposed to the horrors... you were wrong.
#rottmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt fanart#rottmnt mikey#until i found you#until i found you au#rottmnt until i found you#rottmnt separated au#separated au#tmnt#tmnt au#tmnt au propaganda#tmnt au competition#turtle tots#tutant meenage neetle teetles#magic mikey#mystic mikey#watch me razzle dazzle myself out of existence#magic hands#teenage mutant ninja turtles fanart#digital art#concept art
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The Nicest People
Have you ever heard the saying “the nicest people are the scariest motherfuckers when they’re angry”? Well, Angel Dust had never really thought much about it over his century of existence. However, on this particular day, that would all change.
Angel, even having grown up in a crime family, never thought much about that old saying. His family were scary to other people. Hell, Valentino was scary, but he was never nice in the first place!
Charlie though, the demoness who had brought him off the street after pissing off Valentino one too many times, who had actually cared about him and did her best to help him, was the kindest person in his little world. He didn’t so much as breathe a word of his appreciation to anybody, but he knew that Charlie knew he cared about her. Angel likes to think that his small affections and their Friday night “movie and cuddle” tradition they had started over the last few years showed her that much.
That being said, Angel had seen nearly every emotion pass over the demoness’s face. Joy, sadness, fear, anxiety, she even got annoyed sometimes! But the only emotions he had never seen in those impossibly wide doe eyes, that now were narrowed slits, was disgust and...
Pure, carnal, rage. After all, Angel and most of the others thought that such a thing was impossible.
Until, that is, during this years purge. An angel had barged into the hotel lobby where everyone was crowded together, Alastor trying to comfort Charlie with wacky little songs, or cute little cheek kisses. The other occupants were there seeking comfort either in the presence of those who had become their friends, or in the cheap booze that Husker mixed up. Angel and Vaggie in particular were there to help Alastor comfort their friend and boss.
When the angel had burst through the front door, there had been a dead silence that permeated the room. Every sinner froze, eyes wide, unsure of the reason for its presence.
Charlie, teary eyed as she was, was the first to step forward, asking if one of the sinners had been redeemed, and if not, why they were here.
The angel had cocked its head, mask firmly in place, and its simple reply had been what sent Charlie off the deep end, “Redeemed? No, I’m simply here to take care of a vermin problem.”
Before anyone could process that an angel actually just fucking spoke, Charlie was already in front of it, nose to nose. Her hair had broken from its usual band and was flaring wildly, her horns, instead of pointing straight to the ceiling, were twice their normal width and curled backwards like her mothers, her irises poison yellow, and her sclera glowing bloody red. Her teeth, while still a gleaming white, were even sharper than Alastor’s, “Then get. Out. Before I show you why I’m the next in line for the Fallen Throne.”
“Move, demon. This is a job, nothing more.”
Charlie snarled before moving faster than any of us could track, wrapping her clawed hand around the angels throat before bodily throwing him back out the front doors.
All of the residents of the hotel were still in shock, but snapped out of it quickly when Charlie began stalking forward slowly, changing even more with each step. Her height beginning to rival Alastor’s, and three pairs of black feathered wings sprouting from her back, each wing tip decorated in a gleaming talon and the end feathers looked more like black razor blades, ripping apart her shirt and leaving her in only a bralette with her suspenders.
As Charlie walked outside the hotel, everyone had rushed forward to watch from the doors, Alastor being the only sinner bold enough to walk outside.
“Hey Smiles, what do you think is gonna happen? I’ve never seen Charlie this fuckin pissed before.”
Alastor couldn’t tear his eyes away from the beauty in front of him. His smile hurt his cheeks, “Why, my effeminate fellow, I do believe that we are about to witness the death of an angel,” he paused, “you might even be able to call him angel dust soon enough.”
Angel rolled his eyes at the horrible pun on his name. Before anything else could be said though, they all heard a groan from the ground where the angel laid. The sounds of screams around them nearly drowning it out. All eyes returned to the fight about to start before them.
Charlie allowed the angel to stand, her eyes casting an eerie orange glow upon the white dressed being. She stood tall, elegance emanating from her even in all her fury.
“How dare an abomination such as you lay hands on me!”
“Correction: it was only one hand. And it laid upon you for threatening me and MINE.”
And suddenly the ground around the two erupted, magma and hellfire whipped into a frenzy by the Princess’s temper.
Angel noticed another movement out of the corner of his eye, Vaggie had finished whispering something to Razzle and Dazzle, and the two disappeared into the shadows.
Charlie stretches out her wings for the first time in centuries and felt something inside her sigh with relief. ‘This is what you were born to do. This is what you were meant for. Destruction. Razing the world. Punishing sinners’
Charlie’s snarling grin could cut diamonds at this point. She could sense everything around her. Each angel that was invading her territory. Trying to hurt her people.
It was time they leave.
Just as the angel reached for their weapon, Charlie moved. She sprung forth with all the fury within herself. Two sets of wings helped propel her, the third set reaching forth alongside her claws, ready to slice into holy flesh.
The residents of the hotel watched in horrified awe (well, Alastor was quite gleeful) as their princess made well known why she was to be feared and respected.
Moments. That’s all it took. Moments before the angel was slammed so hard into the cracked earth that it created a crater, and it’s head was torn from its body. Blue blood splattered across Charlie’s face as she rose from the crater on her wings.
That’s when five other angels showed up, brought by the sounds and commotion.
“Do you wish to challenge me as well?” Charlie asked them all at once. Her eyes burning into the masks of each one as she tossed the decapitated angel to the side, licking at the blood staining her black lips.
Before anything else could happen, another figure entered the clearing, bearing a striking resemblance to Charlie herself, only this one was male.
“Looks like daddy Luci decided to join the party...” Angel murmured.
“My little fallen angel, it’s been centuries since you lost your temper. It’s rather refreshing, I must say. As for you five, what say you to leaving? Do you truly wish to feel the ire of two fallen angels? I can guarantee that you won’t survive should you decide not to leave of your own accord.”
“Your monstrosity has committed a high crime, Lucifer. She must be punished.”
At this, Charlie laughed, “You call me a monstrosity, yet your brother tried to exterminate sinners who are working towards redemption. What would the Heavenly Father think? After all, these sinners are trying to repent.”
The angel who had spoken tilted his head a bit, “Is this true?”
Finally, Alastor decided to step forward, to act as a “neutral party”, “It is true. We had all gathered in the hotel to comfort and support one other on this... difficult day. The angel in question entered the premises and mocked the sinners seeking redemption, calling all ‘vermin’ to be ‘dealt with’.”
Lucifer, with a grin similar to Charlie and Alastor’s own, turned back to the angel, maliciousness dripping from his voice, “You see? My daughter only acted in defense of her people. Not to mention, your angel broke the rules. No angel is allowed to enter any home or establishment in Hell.”
The angel mulled over the new information for a moment, and everyone held their breath except for the three demons facing them. Lucifer and Charlie were in no way fearful of the angels. They knew that they could take on five with no issues, and Alastor simply stared adoringly to Charlie, not a care in the world that five angels stood before him. That’s when the bell signaling midnight rung out through the bloody night.
“Very well. The bell has tolled. You shall all live another year. May those seeking redemption find it.”
They all turned to fly away, but Lucifer called out once more, “Oh, and Michael.”
The angel that had spoken, now identified as Michael, stiffened and froze in place before turning only slightly to look at Lucifer.
“If I ever catch an angel breaking my simple rules again, I will take great pleasure in killing every single one of them. Even you, dear brother.”
“I can assure you that no such thing will happen again. I give my word. Oh. And Father says ‘hi’.”
Lucifers only reaction was the narrowing of his eyes.
_______________________________________________
As all of the remaining angels vacated Hell, Charlie and her little motley crew remained outside. Finally, she lifted up her hand and sent the usual signal for the end of the cleansing into the sky, and demons from all around came to investigate what they had heard. Once many got a good look, they quickly retreated to a safe distance.
Alastor and Lucifer both approached Charlie, who was still in her full form
“Here, my darling/fallen angel” both said at the same time, then glared at each other as they each went to hand Charlie their coat.
Charlie took Alastor’s coat, not putting it on yet, before glancing at her father, “What? You can’t answer a call, but you hear about a fight and you come running? Do you still think I can’t handle myself?”
Lucifer looked away, seeming almost apologetic, “Charlie, while I admit that I have been rather callous, I have my own reasons for not supporting your idea. I know you could fight every angel in heaven and win, but that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t worried. I should have been... more understanding. I realize that now.”
Charlie’s eyes widened. This was the closest to an apology as she was ever going to get. That didn’t erase her anger though, and her wings shifted of their own accord, showing her irritation.
“Darling, not to interrupt, but I do believe that you are making our local population a tad nervous at the moment.” He handed her his handkerchief to wipe off the blood, and she took it gratefully, her form shrinking to her normal state while she wiped her face.
“You missed a spot, Sweetheart.”
Charlie looked confusedly at Alastor when he reached out and swiped a finger at the corner of her lips, bringing the drop of blood to his own and licking it off.
Charlie just rolled her eyes, “You couldn’t resist, could you?”
“Why would I even try my dear?” Alastor said with a staticky laugh.
Charlie chucked as she put Alastors coat on.
Lucifer looked suspiciously between the two, “And what is your relationship with my daughter Radio Demon?”
Alastor laughed again, “I’m her Beau, of course! I simply couldn’t resist the charms of my little belle!”
“What! But Charlie—!”
Charlie raised her hand, palm facing her father, and used the same stern look she remembered her mother giving on multiple occasions, “Dad, you haven’t got a leg to stand on right now. I’m happy. He treats me right.”
Lucifer looked almost like a kicked puppy, muttering that his sweet little fallen angel had a new man in her life and didn’t need him anymore. Then he stood straight once more, “Well, I suppose that’s all I really need to know,” he turned to Alastor, “just know, Radio Demon, if you hurt her, I will not be nearly as merciful as my daughter.”
That’s when the moment was broken, by Angel of course, “Merciful! Babes just tore that saps head off! I ain’t ever seen her so pissed!”
The field went silent, but it was broken with a small chuckle that turned into full blown laughter. Charlie doubled over, her guffaws bringing tears to her eyes.
After near five minutes of her laughter, she stood upright again, wiping her tears away, “Yeah, I guess you weren’t down here the last time I lost my temper, huh? But you see, that’s why I try so hard to be kind, and to help you all. I know exactly what I’m capable of, Angel. I know I could raze all of hell if I wanted to. Because if I’ve learned anything, I’ve learned that true kindness is only true when you are capable of true cruelty as well.”
That seemed to resonate with the sinners. After witnessing her fury, they finally understood why she was so pure. It wasn’t because she isn’t capable of depravity, it’s because she is, and chooses a better path.
“Well! Not to diminish the moment, but shall we go inside? I’ll even ale my mother’s famous jambalaya. How does that sound, love? Alastor held out his hand to Charlie, who took it, smiling widely beside him.
“I think that sounds grand.”
#charlastor#hazbin hotel#scary charlie#violence#chalastor#im not sorry#daddy lucifer#angel dust being angel dust#charlie magne#hazbin alastor
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Hidden Hazbin Sins
NOT FOR KIDS! NO COPYRIGHT INTENDED.
For many of the residents in Hell, it was an average day of chaos, murder, sex, drugs, and drama. Poverty-stricken demons smuggled food from dumpsters while others snuck into darkened stores. More disturbingly, other demons even resorted to cannibalism on unlucky citizens who had been killed in gang fights, run over, or stabbed to death by Exterminator harpoons.
The Happy (Hazbin) Hotel seemed to be running fairly smoothly with the addition of the clean-freak cyclops demon Niffty and even the indifferent gambling alcoholic Husk. Charlie, the blond-haired demon princess, stood outside wearing a red bellhop uniform complete with gold buttons, gold threads hanging around the brim of her small red hat and a ruby apple necklace around her neck. Her face was white, eyes yellow, and red blushes were off to the sides of her face. She remembered a week ago when the hotel first opened, cutting a tied up red piece of ribbon with a large pair of scissors, the crowd clapping half-heartedly. Currently, she was holding the door for a line of demons waiting to get in.
“Welcome to the Happy Hotel!” said the princess cheerfully. Razzle and Dazzle were busy lifting up luggage and placing them on a rolling cart to go up into the elevator. Though many of the demons rolled their eyes and snarled at Charlie, she kept up her positive demeanor.
Inside, a banner hung over a front desk with several colorful balloons and streamers off to the sides.
“No more sin, share a big grin!” Charlie recited her motto. “Vaggie will check you in and get you situated at the front desk.”
She mentioned to her moth demon friend, who saw her and blushed with a small smile, blowing her a quick kiss. Vaggie turned to a light blue dragon in the front.
“I have a reservation for a room with a balcony,” the dragon said, his wings folded. He showed her his cell phone in his claw which showed the order he had made online.
Vaggie looked it over and nodded. “Two nights here, room 666, with a cost of…”
Charlie looked over at Vaggie. “They don’t have to pay any souls. This place is free for the first one hundred customers!”
“What?!” Vaggie exclaimed in disbelief. “Why didn’t you tell me that?”
“Because I just came up with it today,” she explained. “If we are to encourage demons to come here to get better, why not make it free for them?”
“Your Dad won’t be happy about that.”
“I know. But it’s my hotel, and I might as well leave a friendly impression.”
“Move it, bitch,” scoffed a green snake-like demon with a pink dress and dark green hair who shoved Charlie aside with her hand. Charlie’s eyes glowed red for a second, but she took a deep breath. Vaggie pointed her harpoon weapon at the snake lady and glared. Heeding her warning, the snake huffed, flipped back her straggly green hair and moved on to her room.
Charlie shrugged, as she continued to hold the door. “It’s a start, right?”
Vaggie sighed and continued with her next customer, a werewolf. “Room 66 is currently occupied. 63 is available if you’d like to stay on that floor.”
Dazzle flew into the room, lifted down one of many old fashioned blood-stained key and placed it on the desk.
Vaggie handed the key to the brown furry demon. “The bar is over down the hall to your left. Charlie’s Fun and Games event will start at 7:00pm in the dance room. Ring your room bell and Niffty will fetch you breakfast in the morning. If you have any questions, just ask me or Charlie.”
“I have a question,” said a familiar sounding voice as the werewolf left for his room. The white spider demon Angel Dust strutted up to the desk, with his usual white and pink striped outfit on and pink gloves on four of his hands.
“One second,” Vaggie said. She turned to him. “What, Angel?” Vaggie deadpanned.
“Do you know where the drug vending machine is here? I want some Angel Dust and I’m getting tired of those purple popsies to be honest.”
“What’s in a name!” someone commented from in the line.
Vaggie crossed her arms. “No drugs are allowed here. It’s problematic enough that alcohol is being served here. We don’t need any more of your ideas. I’m busy here!”
Angel continued, “What we also need is a stage with new poles for dancing on. Italian electro music, and a secret strip club in the basement! Man, that’d be the shit!”
A black dinosaur-like demon growled at Angel. “Go fuck yourself, slut.”
Angel just grinned widely. “Only if you watch me, hot stuff.”
“Get out!” Vaggie bellowed, pointing toward the door.
“Oh well,” Angel shrugged. “Time to make some moves on Husk. It’s so easy to warm up to him when he’s drunk…”
Angel happily scurried away while Vaggie face-palmed. “Someone kill me a second time,” she muttered out loud.
“Can I do it?” asked the snake demon, who peered out of her room.
“No!” Charlie and Vaggie yelled at the same time, startling the snake who ducked back into her room. Charlie and Vaggie laughed from across the room. Almost losing hold of the door, Charlie grabbed onto the handle again, smiling back at the visitors.
Later on that evening, the bar was packed full of demons scattered around in every direction. A group of dragons were sitting together, enjoying flaming spirits of liquor that Husk had brought to them. A family of red imps were playing cards over by a booth. Only a group of doll demons seemed to enjoy the rainbow decorated karaoke section that Charlie had set up. They sang at the top of their lungs and danced in a circle.
“See? They’re getting it!” Charlie smiled, sitting next to Vaggie. Vaggie let out a small smile. “Well, I’m impressed, Charlie. Maybe your idea will be successful in the long run.”
Charlie brushed Vaggie’s long white hair from her light gray face, careful not to touch the pink X over her friend’s eye. “I couldn’t have done it without you.”
Angel Dust giggled under his breath nearby and began to do a slutty dance on a table.
“Anyone have a lampshade I could use?”
A random one hit him in the face. “Thanks, dick!” he called putting it over his head.
“Wow, he remembered my name,” smiled a blushing Dick, an orange-faced demon with an elongated forehead shaped like…
“Will you cut that out?” Husk hissed as he glanced at Angel shaking his butt as the demons laughed and jeered.
“You like that?” he asked, hearing Husk’s voice. “I figured you would, deep down.”
“Son of a crackhead,” Husk muttered.
“Heard that, cat in the hat! Sadly, it’s true, though.”
The two girlfriends relaxed as the demons chatted (and fought) among themselves. Husk drank more booze behind the counter in several gulps. Niffty scurried to dust off cobwebs, mop the floors, and carry any remaining luggage to the room or outside.
Charlie stared at the nearby stage, the microphone vacant.
“Say…has anyone seen Alastor?”
“Nope, not me,” replied Angel, still dancing with the lampshade on his head. “Then again, I can’t see much of anything.”
“Take that damn thing off!” said Vaggie. “It’s unprofessional!”
“Sorry, tots, can’t hear you over the sound of how sexy I am!” he replied.
“Not me,” Vaggie said.
“Nor me,” said Husk. “Thank Lucifer. That radio punk was getting on my last nerves. Glad I don’t have to hear any more dad jokes tonight.”
“But he always comes on Fridays and the weekend,” Charlie says. “And it’s a new moon on Earth, I think. He always comes up with new tricks to share with us during that time.”
“When’d you get into that stuff?” Husk asked.
“Human studies,” Charlie replied. “Oh what it could mean to be a human for the first time…”
“It’s a shithole if you ask me,” Husk replied. “Lost chances, war, depression, the whole nine yards.”
“Or life can be good,” said Vaggie, “Until, you get…assaulted by a bunch of masculine pigs.”
An old pig demon oinked at her in anger and slurped up a mud smoothie.
“Heh, no offence?”
“It’s alright, Vaggie,” said Charlie. “Perhaps when we go to Heaven, we’ll learn more about all kinds of people.”
“I can’t hear you,” Vaggie mentioned.
Charlie snapped her fingers and the noise in the bar dulled own to a fading hum. The spell would last for several minutes. For now, it was just Vaggie and Charlie talking in the crowded room, no one else noticing.
“You’re the daughter of the devil and a seducing being,” Vaggie pointed out. “You may not ever get redeemed.”
“But how do we know?” Charlie asked. “Think about it. My dad got sent down from Heaven for going to the dark side. There has to be a way for demons to rise up from Hell! There’s like two sides of a large coin.”
“You’re forgetting Earth and tons of other places,” Vaggie said. “Even if that would be the case, how good would we have to be to get sent to Heaven or even back to Earth?”
“Perhaps by showing more…humanity.” Charlie said, wistfully.
“Ugh, not this again.” Vaggie leaned closer and spoke in a low voice. “Look. I’m willing to be open minded about the possibility of Heaven existing. It’s something I learned about in my life, after all. But to think these demons have some connection to humans…”
Charlie cut her off, lowing her hands sideways slightly in a downward motion to make her point. “They not only used to be souls…they are still souls! Deep down, as long as they’re somewhat alive, they retain some amount of their human characteristics from their past lives!”
“Not fuckin’ buying it.”
“Vaggie, it only makes sense. I’ve seen it for myself when my family showed me the Purge. They briefly showed their human forms before they were killed. This proves that they aren’t true monsters. They need help. They need love, just like everyone else. Dad and Mom don’t want to believe it, but…I have a feeling they also know it to be true.”
Charlie continued, changing the topic into something more light-hearted. “Perhaps Heaven has animal-like bipedal creatures as well, but nicer and fluffier! Maybe with angel wings. Humans and animals are everywhere, within many angels and demons!”
Vaggie held on firmly to Charlie’s shoulders, and stared her straight in the eye, raising her voice slightly more toward a normal tone. “Charlie, listen to me. I, too, have…seen things. Earth, Heaven, Hell…they’re all different. From what I heard, angels belong in Heaven and demons belong in Hell. The evil humans come down here, already dead. Living humans belong on Earth. That’s just the way it works.”
Something in Vaggie’s eyes told Charlie that her friend wasn’t entirely convinced of her own spoken words.
“Swear on your afterlife…for your own safety and sanity, you will not tell anyone else about this.”
Charlie looked around, eyes wide. “Do you think…some demons will want to take advantage of me and…my position as heir?”
“Finally out of your childhood comfort zone,” Vaggie mentioned with a solemn nod. “Please, Charlie. I will do whatever I can to help you redeem these sinners. But, promise me, you will be smart and always watch your back. You can’t trust everyone.” Vaggie stared at her scarred chest and put a hand up to her eye. “I learned that lesson the hard way.”
Charlie’s soundproof spell had ended, and the noise of the bar came back in full force.
“Ya girls done?” Angel asked, white hair frazzled from dancing and wearing the lampshade.
“Yep,” said Charlie. “Anything you need?”
“Other than a whiff of coke and a thrill of a fight, I’m good.” He picked up a cherry from a drink and sucked on it.
“Time to go see Cherri Bomb. She’s making actual cherry bombs for our next turf attack! Catch you guys later!” He winked and swaggered out of the room.
“Why did you bring him here, again?” Vaggie asked with a sigh.
Charlie answered. “He was clean for two weeks, and now…well, I’m going to give him another chance. It’s the only thing to do.”
“Whatever you say,” Vaggie answered. She held on gently to Charlie’s hand and the princess squeezed back affectionately.
“But seriously, though…where is Alastor?” Charlie asked, more to herself, looking back at the stage. “He was a big help to starting the hotel and it was fun dancing with him.”
“I swear I’ll gut him if he ever makes a move on you again,” Vaggie seethed. “Let’s forget about that cocky bastard and enjoy ourselves.”
“Sounds like a good plan to me,” Charlie smiled. “But I have faith that he’ll change for the better. You’ll see.”
The red neon Pentagram symbol in the sky was the only thing that lit up the time that was considered night time. Though the sky was constantly red, the demons still kept track of time in their afterlives, despite the fact that such a concept may not exist outside of Earth. The one thing that died harder than any sinner was old human habits.
Two small imp-like demons by the names of Tee and Vee wondered around in the shadows, Tee holding a small black cell phone. Tee was short, fat and dark purple in color, while Vee was thin and red. Both had horns, clawed feet and hands as well as small pointed tails. Both were wearing black suits with blue Wi-Fi logos on them. They were mini mercenaries and spies hired by none other than Vox, the TV demon. On this night, they were sent on another one of their missions.
They spoke in New York accents or perhaps Australian accents. It was hard to tell because they talked so fast.
“Another night, another dollar,” Tee said. He reached for a small arrow and threw it at an unsuspecting ogre. The beast roared as the arrow exploded against his foot. The ogre fell to the ground and Tee jumped up toward his face. In one swift motion, mid jump, he got out a spear from his utility belt and stabbed it right though the ogre’s large yellow right eye. Vee stepped in to finish the job, finally ending the monster’s agonized yells.
The duo had their gruesome eye kabab snack on a spear as they walked along.
“Need at least 66 kills tonight,” said Tee. “That should be doable.”
“But remember what Vox really wants,” Vee reminded him. “A chance to overthrow his rival overlords. Just think, we’ll be internet stars after we help Vox conjure Hell!”
Tee elbowed him sharply. “He will get all the credit, jackass, not us. We’re just doing this ‘cause we have no choice.”
“Oh, don’t be so glum, bum,” Vee said. “Though yours is quite big.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“You heard me. Anyway, we’ll still be recognized in some form. Perhaps he’ll be especially pleased with us and beckon us over to his bedroom…”
Tee shook his head, clenching his purple fists. “All Vox does is take selfies with Velvet and talk dirty to Valentino on the phone. He gets the good life, while we’re out here doing his dirty work.”
“Makes it easier on him,” Vee said. “He’s busy making plans, after all. You know about the New World Order? Project Mech Tech? Several secret plans of his involving keeping everyone glued to their screens. Brainwashing, propaganda, convincing ads. It’s already just as powerful as it is in the human world. ‘Xept down here, Vox can bend others to his will.”
“Like…us?”
“Those who are either sheep or foolhardy enough to stand up to him.”
“But they’re demons, not sheep.”
“Tee, you retarded, ass!” He punched his college in the face and the two demons rolled down the street in a snowball spiraling brawl.
They yelled and grabbed onto each other’s tails, biting and screeching insults.
“Tee, pee!”
“Bum, scum!”
“Gas ass!”
“Slut, mutt!”
Nearby, a smoking female hellhound barked in disapproval.
“Butt…what?”
Vee stopped and stared straight ahead.
“Coward, what’s your pro…” Tee began, before noticing the direction the orange demon was looking toward.
“…blem?”
They stood up and saw a long black alleyway in front of them. The ground was littered with broken glass, cigarette butts, and the occasional skull here and there. Graffiti was spray-painted on the brick walls in various colors of red, blue, yellow, and green. They were mostly expletive words, nude women, and crying demon stick figures surrounded by flames. Further up above, someone had spray painted a rainbow with sun rays coming out from it. A foul scent of garbage and rotten flesh permeated the space.
Vee peered into the darkness and heard the faint sound of footsteps and humming. A distinct feel of…electricity? ... hiding among the shadows.
Tee shuddered, holding up his clawed hands. “No, no, no, no, I ain’t goin’ in there.”
“I sense a powerful presence,” Vee stated. “If we don’t take a risk, who will? Besides, if we don’t show up with some special report this time, Vox will have our heads.”
“He…wouldn’t…right?”
Vee grabbed onto Tee’s plump arm. “Just come on!”
“Okay…whoa, slow down,” he called as he was dragged along.
They slowed their pace as they reached the cracked dead end. The path turned off to the left, ending in another wider dead end further away. The walls were on either side of both paths with no windows or doors. Well…save for an old wooden door that was behind a pair of old curtains made from circus tent flaps.
A silhouette of a demon stood in front of the door, drawing a pentagram symbol in the air. A little golden keyhole appeared to the right and a matching old-fashioned key was pulled out from a pocket. The key went in and the door opened with a slow creek.
“Let’s go,” Vee whispered. They followed the figure not too far behind from the door.
They continued walking, occasionally glancing up at the red sky above them. The eerie silence was soon replaced with humming from the demon in front of them. It sounded distinctly male and appeared to be a jolly tune. Vee couldn’t quite name the song the man was singing, but it made him feel strangely at ease. It reminded him of those songs he heard at the circus or at musicals he attended with his parents. Not that it mattered now, since his parents were dead due to the so called “angels.” Tee on the other hand, was quivering, his legs itching to race right out of there.
“Come on, man,” Tee whispered. “Let’s kill this demon and leave.”
Vee let out a silent gasp and tapped Tee on the shoulder. “Look.”
They both stopped as the figure’s footsteps ceased further ahead.
For a moment, all was dark and quiet.
A snap of fingers was heard and five white candles were lit up at the same time. They were at the end of the alleyway, this time surrounded by circular concrete walls. The man was standing in the center of a crimson pentagram surrounded by a red circle that was drawn on the ground, taking up most of the space. The white candles glowed with yellow light at the ends of the five points.
“Whoa, is that who I think it is?” whispered Tee, so low that he could barely be heard. He held up his phone and started to record.
The figure was revealed in the candlelight: a slender man wearing a tattered pinstriped red dress coat, trailing along slightly behind him. Dark shoes with red deer hoof-prints on the bottom soles. Red and black fur upon his head with large furry deer-like ears with black tips. Small dark antlers sticking out from between his ears. Thin neck and slander arms and legs. A vintage microphone staff stood in his right hand.
“Yes,” Vee said in a hushed tone. “The Radio Demon.”
Alastor walked over to a large deer skull stained with blood, antlers still intact. The trophy was attached to the wall via an old wooden plaque. He walked over and slowly knocked on the bone forehead seven times. It was a “shave and a haircut” sounding knock.
The Radio Demon stepped back as the skull’s slanted eyes glowed red. A scroll dropped out from its mouth but with a wave of his hand, it vanished. A spiral symbol in the center of the pentagram lit up: a universal symbol for a portal. The demon hummed some more.
With Tee still recording, Vee excitedly reached for his phone. He had to alert Vox. At last, the duo would be getting their big break…and a hefty sum of souls for their night’s work.
He began to rapidly text, his phone set to silent, the brightness of the screen turned as low as possible:
Vee: “Lord Vox, it’s V, T of 19:29. Radio Demon’s hideout found. Located at west end of…”
“A-CHOO!”
Tee sneezed out loud into his arm, phone in his other hand. The Radio Demon’s ears twitched at the noise. The humming stopped. The candles went out.
Tee and Vee rammed their backs against the nearest wall, not daring to move or even breathe. They heard the shuffling of feet, and the subtle sound of the microphone staff moving slightly side to side.
For an entire minute, nobody made a sound. Vee turned to Tee and both of them moved their eyes toward the other direction. Vee held up three fingers then mimicked tiptoeing side-ways. Getting the message, Tee followed Vee, shuffling three quiet steps to the right. After ten seconds, they moved again. Tee still recorded with a shaky hand in the dark, while Vee was careful not to drop his phone.
Vee pointed toward the exit and Tee nodded. Vee began to tip-toe from the wall, inch by inch making his way toward the open wooden door.
A slow creaking sound made then briefly freeze. For some reason, the door wasn’t moving.
A chilling sensation crept to the backs of the demon’s necks. Both of them turned back to look through the darkness.
But the only lights they saw in the distance were the glowing red radio dials in the Radio Demon’s two eyes. The creaking sound was, in fact, the demon’s head slowly turning backward to stare right at the terrified faces of Tee and Vee.
SLAM!
The wooden door whammed shut, causing Tee and Vee to jump and yelp.
The world turned into a psychedelic mess of vibrant colors. Reds, blues, and greens morphed together in the sky and along the walls. Shadows of deer heads dripping blood danced along a red-lit wall like shadow puppets.
“Open the door!” Vee cried, punching against the wood, which was now colored a strange yellow.
“There’s no handle!” Tee replied, kicking at it in vain.
“Ack! I’m blue!” said Vee, staring at his light blue body in the strange light.
“I think you’re seeing red!” Tee replied, failing to notice his fat crimson body.
Vee grabbed daggers and bomb arrows and threw them rapidly in front of him. The Radio Demon dodged them all and merged into the shadowy ground.
“He’s…gone?” Tee asked, looking through his phone camera.
Vee held on tight his phone and glanced back at the texts, finger hovering over the “send” button.
The red dial-eyes emerged right in front of their faces, rows of sharp yellow teeth appearing below. Though the sudden loud radio static that filled their ears, Tee and Vee screamed. A voodoo spirit shaped like a black lizard with white eyes snatched the phone from Vee’s hand, dropping it by Alastor’s left foot before scurrying off. He brought down his pointed shoe and crushed the device to pieces, sparks flying, screen cracked. The remainder of the pieces burst into flames and vanished.
Before Vee could blink, two black tentacles sprouted rapidly from holes in the ground and latched themselves onto the demon’s arms, pinning them back. He struggled to escape, but they were wrapped too tightly.
Tee was running as fast as his little legs could carry him, the camera phone shaking with every step. He put the phone in his pocket, ran up to the wall, jumped, and grabbed onto a small branch sticking out from a hole in the worn down concrete. Knowing the branch could break at any moment, he frantically searched around for another handhold.
A-ha!
Up off slightly to the right, was a crack large enough for him to dig his claws into. Tee took a deep breath, preparing himself. If he could push off with his legs, swing toward the crack, get ready to let go…
The branch snapped off as he was forcibly brought down with a hard tug coming from near his legs. He phone fell out of his pocket, landing sideways on the ground. The camera showed two more black tentacles wrapping around Tee’s stubby legs, dragging him toward Alastor as he screamed. Even digging into the ground with his claws did no good.
Another tentacle gently lifted up the phone and brought it back as well.
Alastor cocked his head to the side, his mouth in an ever-present smile. Vee was lifted up to Alastor’s level and held close to the wall.
Vee laughed nervously. “Oh, hey, Alastor. Heh heh. Great seeing you this f-fine night. I-I wasn’t gonna do anything, I swear.”
The reply was a dark chuckle mixed with static.
Vee felt Alastor’s four-fingered hands grip his head.
“I…I won’t say anything! Way too young to die again. Please…”
Vee’s head crashed against the wall with a loud thud. He let out a high pitched scream.
“Owww! No! Tee, get outta…AUUUGH!”
Vee gagged as his skull cracked against the concrete. Bile filled the demon’s mouth and dark red stained the wall. He gasped for air, black spots across his vision. After his head was slammed against the wall a third time, Vee’s eyes rolled back and his thin body limped downward, relaxed. Shards of skull and bits of brain spilled to the ground. Alastor reached down toward the utility belt, and pulled out a dagger. He severed the demon’s head, clean off. The lifeless head fell to the ground, rolling until stopping near a restrained Tee.
Tee reeled back as far as he could, yelling through a tendril that was covering his mouth. Alastor smiled down at him, red dials moving, antlers expanding from his head. He held out his palm and flames appeared along with faint symbols hovering around them.
For several minutes, all Tee knew was a searing hot pain consuming his body, the smell of smoke, and the reeking smell of burning flesh around them. He inhaled the smoke and heard the radio static buzzing in his ears. All Tee could do was close his eyes and wait out the agony. Hoping that the heat and noise would soon…
Fade away…
Slipping into…black…
…constant…
…peace.
With that, the Radio Demon tossed the phone into the flames, the camera and screen revealing his demonic face before the device exploded into electric sparks.
The colors returned to normal and the flames went out. The only sound was the sound of static, slowly fading back into the vintage microphone. His eyes returned to their normal full red color and his antlers shrunk until they were small sticks on his head once again.
He snapped his fingers and the white candles lit up again. The skull’s eyes glowed red.
Clearing his throat, Alastor spoke the password in the Creole language:
“Ou pa janm konplètman abiye
San yon souri!”
(You’re never fully dressed without a smile)
The eyes glowed green and the ground below him vanished. Flames rose from the circle surrounding the pentagram. The inner circle was now a portal to a “basement” of Hell.
Several shadowy spirits rushed out of the hole, ecstatic to be free and to roam wild. Though the ground had disappeared below him, he stood perfectly still where he was.
More tendrils rose from the ground and wove together to form stairs starting at the top near Alastor’s feet. He walked merrily down as the portal slowly closed.
He reached the bottom of the stairs and made his way forward.
“My cozy lair, how much I’ve missed you.”
The lair was a sort of mashup between a haunted house and a middle class home from the early 1920’s.
Black walls stood on either side, blending in so well, it looked like the black ether outside. Red metal columns lined the sides and supporting the high black ceiling above. The black floor stopped at an area and wooden floorboards filled the rest of the ground. It gave the appearance of a floor torn up by an earthquake on the edge.
The first room was the living room. An elegant fireplace contained red flames that were constantly burning. A black leather couch faced a red wall that was decorated with various deer head trophies of many sizes. Some were stuffed versions of real brown deer. Others were the rotten partially furry heads of deer monsters from Hell. A fair amount were deer skulls with arching antlers. A resting rifle was displayed on the top of the fireplace, the same one he used as a human long ago. A red rug lay below the couch and took up much of the living room. The walls had borders with antler designs all in a row.
Attached to the living room was the kitchen. The wood floor met black and white checkered tile, a green line separating the different kinds. There was a high wooden countertop with a couple of bar stools facing the living room. Several appliances included an old fashioned stove, wooden cabinets, a metal sink and a mustard yellow fridge with an icebox.
Alastor opened the fridge door and gasped out loud.
“Oh my Satan!”
Among the eggs, food, and drinks was a severed purple demon head, with one eye missing.
He reached in with his hand…and pulled out an empty cartoon.
“Curses, I’m out of milk!” he exclaimed. “How am I supposed to have cereal tomorrow?”
He shut the door and sighed. “Oh well. I can always have a snack, instead.”
There were fans in every room (no air conditioning in Hell). To the left of the kitchen, a darkened path led to the bathroom and two bedrooms. There was also an extra room where Alastor kept all his radio equipment ready: a small microphone, headphones, a control panel of buttons, and even a sign that would lit up and read “on the air” in bold letters.
The bathroom consisted of a toilet, and a vanity with a mirror and a sink with two separate faucets for hot and cold water. Taking up much of the space was a black clawed bathtub in the shape of a cauldron. Alastor turned one of the knobs and a stream of dark red blood jetted out of the large faucet. He turned another knob and streams of red liquid sprayed out from the dish-sized shower head overhead. He tightened the knobs and the blood ceased flowing.
“Good, it still works,” Alastor said, relieved.
He made his way past the guest bedroom to his own room.
A twin-size bed had red satin sheets and a quilt made of soft deer fur neatly folded on the top of the bed toward the edge. The two pillows were neatly fluffed up and propped against the wooden headboard.
Closer to the doorway stood an old fashioned small screen TV with two large antennae jutting out from the top. It was light tan in color, complete with knobs on the front and to the sides. When he pushed the power button on the remote, a black and white show slowly appeared on screen. Unlike many old TV’s and remotes, Alastor had upgraded his with magic, allowing him to go to multiple channels. He watched some picture shows for a while on his bed, then turned the TV off.
He peered out a window, watching the outside world…or lack thereof.
This was a void world, a dimension where the Loas and shadow spirits resided and where the black tentacles originated…from mythical monsters in dark pits. Alastor’s lair hovered in place among the blackness. The demon grinned as he spotted rogue demons being chased, and sometimes mauled on by voodoo shadow creatures. A wrecked blaster from Sir Pentious’ blimp floated in the space. Here was were all the items and victims went when Alastor pulled them into the parallel place. Sometimes Alastor would send unlucky individuals here for entertainment and substance for the Loas. In return, they allowed him easy control of his powers. (Sure he was powerful enough already on his own, but even he knew that dark magic was dangerous for everyone.)
Alastor stepped down and opened his closet doors, revealing an array of suits, pants and shoes, mostly in dark reds and blacks.
But nestled behind the line of clothing was something extra peculiar.
In a large rosewood cabinet was a collection of hand-crafted Voodoo dolls.
Large ones made of cloth and straw with round button eyes and stitched mouths. Miniature ones made of wood. Several of them had pins with rounded ends stuck in various places.
But the ones on the widest middle shelf were the most noticeable. They were small dolls made in the likeness of Charlie, Vaggie, Angel Dust, Niffty, Husk, and even an Alastor one. All the heads seemed to be bigger than the bodies.
How ironic that hands who had performed countless killings, were also so gentle and precise when it came to voodoo doll making.
“I’ll start with mine, as usual,” he said. He picked up the figure representing himself, complete with tuffs of his own red hair on its head, red clothing made of cloth over the body and red buttons for the eyes. The arms and legs were black stitched material, no designs on them. Branded on the back of the doll was a voodoo symbol of protection, ensuring that no one else could use the doll against him.
“At least I can always count on myself.”
Grinning, he put the doll back onto the miniature stage. He examined the Husk one sitting by the crafted bar.
“You really are a grumpy cat,” Alastor mentioned. “But, I’ll admit, you were still fun to make.”
The doll had a white face with black fluffy ends, red eyebrows, black buttons for eyes and a red bowtie. He had a slight frown on his face. The ears were made of cotton balls and a black hat sat on his head. Red wings had been sewn onto the back.
“Don’t get into too much trouble. I want you to be the puurfect person for that Hazbin Hotel.” He laughed and paced him back at the cardboard bar.
“Cute little darling Niffty,” he continued, examining the miniature doll with bright magenta hair and an attached fake yellow eyeball. The white shirt and pink skirt were there as well (though Alastor had left out the poodle design on the skirt).
“Keep being handy and we’ll get along dandy,” he said in a sing song voice before putting her back beside the cardboard chimney.
“Oh Angel Dust,” he said with a roll of his eyes. He picked up the white doll, which had a small version of the white and pink outfit that Angel wore. He had a black bowtie, a head a little bit too football shaped, stitched smiling mouth and blue eye buttons.
“You get on my nerves, even in the process of making you,” he said. “I can’t even tell what those pink dots under your eyes are for. And your extra arms…they get all tangled everywhere. Well, at least you’re entertaining much of the time. You’ll have your purpose…and not of any sexual kind, good sir.”
He placed the Angel Dust doll on a web made of black string.
“Hello, naggy Vaggie,” Alastor commented as he observed the gray doll with long white string hair and a pink bow on the top. The white tank-top with the leggings were fastened onto the doll. One button was yellow while the other spot was painted with a pink x.
“Charlie’s best friend, yet different as night and day. No one likes a pessimist around, even in Hell. You got used to Hell, you can get used to anything. Even if it’s something unexpected in the future, perhaps?”
He placed her in her spot by a small paper lantern.
“Your pride is conssstricting isn’t it, Sir Pentious?”
He glanced up at a Sir Pentious doll wrapped up in black string upside down.
“You killjoys will fall again in the trench,” Alastor joked as he looked at a Katie Killjoy and Tom Trench doll stuffed into a hole in the wood.
“Cherri, you’re the bomb,” added Alastor to a doll with strawberry pink string hair and drawings of cherries on her clothes and fake eye. “Just try to control any explosive tempers you may have.”
Finally, up on another shelf, he came to his favorite group of people: Charlie, Rosie, Mimzy, and of course, his dear mother. (Made with deer characteristics like his). The Charlie doll had blond strings for hair, and her face was painted white with the red blushes. From the black bowtie to the white shirt, leggings and shoes, this figure was almost like the real thing. Another Alastor figure was placed in the middle of the three women. Off to the side, a black deer figure representing his father had pins sticking through his chest, head, and crotch.
“Charlie, my charming demon belle, how will you fare in running your hotel?”
Charlie was placed in front of his figure.
“Darling Mimzy, lover of jazz, who are you behind the glamor and pizazz?”
The white-haired, pink-eyed Mimzy figure was to his left.
“A rose by any name is still a rose. We shall see how our collaboration goes.”
The tall Rosie figure with black eyes, and a pink hat and dress was off to the right.
And right behind the Alastor figure was the doll that resembled his mother.
Version one resembled her human form: light brown skin, thick hair, wearing a beautiful dress and holding a bowl of jambalaya in her hands. The second version was her with Alastor’s grayish skin, red hair, red eyes, and antlers, wearing a black dress with skulls and symbols embroidered on it.
“Ma mere…” (my mom)…
“Tu me manques beaucoup.” (I miss you very much.)
His mother’s words came back to him: “Al, my darling, always remember to smile. Keep your head up, leave any doubts and weakness behind.”
Still wearing his grin, he wiped away a stray tear of sadness.
“You’re right mom. I can’t feel insecure now. You sinned in your life…just so you could see me again…still can’t believe it. I won’t let you done and I won’t let myself down…”
He opened up a final section of the cabinet, this one revealing the dolls dressed like overlords. Vox with a pin through his TV head, Valentino with two pins through his straw chest, Velvet restrained in velvet cloth. Most noticeable of all was a cardboard throne standing up straight, but with a visible tear down the center. Lucifer and Lilith wearing white, sitting on the ground covered in necklace chains. A paper apple staff with the apple part detached and the long black part torn in half.
Alastor grinned at a third doll of him positioned on a throne made of antlers and bone.
“…Especially when I have grand plans set in motion. Hahahahahaha!”
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My Thoughts on Equestria Girls: Rainbow Rocks
Or: Are we sure this didn’t come out in 2004 rather than 2014? Because the “battle of the bands” story line feels super dated for some reason. I feel like almost every early 2000s cartoon had some sort of music contest episode, and I never liked them. I blame American Idol for making those popular.
Some History:
I’m under the impression that everything in this movie I dislike is a completely subjective thing that wouldn’t bother someone else. I know that, from a movie standpoint, this is much better than the first, but I just don’t like it as much. Everything that warrants complaint comes from a personal hangup that I have (such as: my lack of any musical ability causes me to not care at all whether their band is successful), so if you disagree, I completely understand. These are all my opinions, and I’m aware that this is probably the best of the four movies. (As stated on a previous post, I haven’t watched any of the shorts from 2017 or 2018 as of this entry)
There were a series of promotional shorts released before the movie debuted that explains how the members of the Main 5 came to play their instruments in Rainbow Dash’s band, and some other random stuff. Here’s the link to the playlist on youtube. Here’s a quick rundown of what I think:
Music to My Ears : meh
Guitar Centered : funny, but kind of mean spirited
Hamstocalypse Now : Hilarious.
Pinkie on the One : exactly what you’d expect it to be
Player Piano: a masterpiece
A Case for the Bass: Applejack is one word, why would she have AJ embroidered on the strap? I know people call her that but those aren’t her initials
Life is a Runway: There’s a reason they didn’t let Rarity write the songs
Shake Your Tale: Bad.
This was a pretty clever way to establish some musical background within the group without taking up time in the movie. It also is some sneaky foreshadowing with Trixie, which I appreciate.
In the actual movie: My nitpicks are going to be less Why is no one in class? Why is doesn’t anyone have homework? Because I realize this is a movie and depicting high school as it actually is would be boring to watch. Besides, there are plenty of other things to complain about.
We open on a scene of this film’s villains. And yes I am going to refer to them as villains instead of antagonists because 1) they are actually a threat and we see them doing bad things, and 2) other people will serve as antagonists. A villain is different from an antagonist, even though the terms are often used interchangeably.
The Dazzlings are so cool, they make a cameo four years later. Either this is some really deep foreshadowing, or by season seven the writers were so desperate for an ongoing arc, they looked to other properties. But we now know that the guardians banished them over 1,000 years ago. So they really are ancient magic. And now they have to go to high school. Talk about eternal torment…
Way to take all the credit, Starswirl
We are shown how they are a sort of siren, who feed off of people’s negativity and discord and use their beautiful enchanted voices to cause mayhem. Kind of like a mix between Ursula the sea witch and Spectra from Danny Phantom. Oh my gosh, this is the second one of these reviews that I’ve brought up Danny Phantom. Maybe this is why Butch thinks he’s so popular.
The Dazzlings, we can infer, have been exiled to the EQG-verse from Equestria. So apparently this universe is like the pony version of colonial Australia, where they send all their criminals and miscreants. A solid plan that couldn’t have any negative repercussions. The sirens see a beam of light that must be the one from the last movie. This is good news for them, but bad news for me because now I have no idea how much time has passed the two films. Has it been a couple days? Weeks? Moons? This will make a difference in regards to why people still don’t trust Sunset. But why waste time setting up the story when we can get right into the remix title card?
At this point, I can only assume that principal Celestia threatened to expel students if they told the news or the FBI about the magical winged demon that attacked the school, because no one seems too concerned about that incident.
But they have plenty of time to hurt my baby’s feelings
I’m going to be honest, when I first watched EQG I thought that Sunset was faking her remorseful act after being defeated. As cool as that would have been, she makes a much better reformed bad guy than an antagonist, because she really wasn’t in the last movie that much.
List of “evil” things Sunset Shimmer has done: send fraudulent text messages and emails that honestly could have been pretty easily disproved, made fun of Fluttershy, made fun of the steamers in the gym, somehow divided the school into cliques, ran a mostly unsuccessful smear campaign against Twilight’s bid for dance princess, threatened to destroy the portal to Equestria, transformed into a demon to hypnotize the students, and she dissed the Apple cider.
Ok, that last one is pretty evil. But what really makes this and all subsequent movies great is that we get to see her learn and grow and change from the experience into a real friend.
I am glad to see that the Main 5 have forgiven her, but no one is quite ready to absolve her of guilt. Like, I might not think she did all that much bad junk, but the students of Canterlot High seem to think she was one tier below Mussolini in terms of maniacal dictators, so I don’t blame them for being cautious. It takes a lot to earn back trust.
Back in Equestria proper, the Mane six plus Spike are sitting around waiting for the plot to affect them. They kindly provide some exposition and once again setup the fact that only Twilight can go through the portal, because the others can’t interact with themselves. So we think. I will be bringing this up when we get to The Friendship Games.
Back through the portal, Twilight gets looped into the fact that Sunset has changed her ways. It’s fair to be a little apprehensive to trust someone who, the last time you saw them, was an actual literal demon. (Don’t worry though, Twi, you’ve still got two more unicorns to reform. It’s kind of your thing.)
Don’t reject her love Twilight, it’s all I have to live for
And now it’s time to discuss the small blue elephant in the room. I feel like I really need to explain why I dislike the addition of Flash to any of the plots. He’s kind of a waste of a potential. You want to add a male character: fine. But make them an actual real fleshed-out character. The show has proven that they can do it and do it well. Sunburst and Thorax are great characters who feel like a good addition to the story. And we got a real sense of who they were in one or two twenty minute episodes. I have no clue what this guy’s purpose is except to be a love interest, and this is not the show to do that with. With very few exceptions, the main characters of MLP have not sought out romantic partners, Twilight included. Why would she choose to do so now? I mean, I get why he’s into Twilight: she’s taken the form of a cute teenage girl. But he’s a species that doesn’t even exist in Equestria. She just fell through a portal and instantly got the hots for some weird otherworldly creature…
Wait a minute. Wait just a minute. Perhaps this isn’t compulsory heterosexuality. Perhaps Twilight Sparkle is just a Monster Lover™. I can respect that.
Moving on.
It was so very smart of the writers to have the Dazzlings brainwash the principals in order to get away with this scheme. That makes so much more sense and covers any plot holes that could arise (such as, someone claiming to be a new student despite having no transcript, no grades, and no knowledge of how to hold a pen).
Does time work differently between these two universes? Has it been months in Equestria but only a week in this world? (It really threw me off that the first four season of MLP took place over one year, and these movies don’t help that). And the sad thing is, this could be easily hand-waved away by a single throw away line, but it isn’t.
The Dazzlings are already better villains than Sunset, even from a character standpoint. We know their powers, we know their motivation, and we know they are capable of bringing about an actually believable rift between friends.
Then the best song, best montage, and possibly best scene in any of these films happen: the Dazzling come into the lunchroom and hypnotize everyone. This song is beautiful and eerie and exactly what you would expect a magic spell to sound like. I also enjoy the visual representation of the bands competing (and not just because I didn’t want to hear any of them perform) that we’ll see later. To give credit where credit is due, this movies has some great visual sequences.
Give ‘em the o’l razzle dazzle
At first I thought it was unrealistic that this many kids had bands, but I realized it was probably an effect of the spell. But I might not be the best judge: I think I know maybe three people, plus myself, who don’t play an instrument. I’ll just assume that the Disney channel exists in this universe, and all these children just really want to be famous.
It’s worth sitting through this movie just to see everyone’s pajamas. That’s not weird, right? No really, the scene of them all having a big slumber party is everything I ever wanted from this series. They managed to capture everyone’s personality from an article of clothing. Now THAT’s good character design.
I get the distinct impression that the writers of this don’t like Rainbow Dash.
Oh good, references to technology that couldn’t possibly date this movie in the slightest. Wait… this is Pinkie’s house. Aren’t the Pies supposed to be like Amish or resembling Amish-type folk? What is the human equivalent of rock farmers? Not actual farmers because those exist in the pony-verse. This really confuses me, but Maude’s cameo is fantastic.
The scene with Twilight and Sunset is one of those really well-done moments that reminds me why I love the show so much. It feels really genuine, and supports my argument that it was worth having Sunset as a crappy villain just to reform her.
Ah yes, the sweet, lingering glances that totally platonic female friends share with each other late at night. I know them well.
Our girl Twily seems to be having trouble writing a spell that can double as a catchy pop song (She’s no Lana Del Rey), so they go with an old set list. How long has this band been operational? Weren’t they in a huge feud for several years?
Mac is a close second for best cameo
So we get to watch the band audition, and it goes about as well an actual high school talent show. The CMC are in the outfits from Showstoppers (which is hilarious) and Snips and Snails rap (which is disturbing). In order to keep my goblin brain from exploding while trying to figure out the ages of everyone, I’m just going to assume that this is a combination Middle School and High School. So, if Sunset won fall dance princess four years in a row, she would be in the tenth grade now, so they would be about 15-16. The Equestria Girls Holiday Comic shows Rarity driving a car, so that could be a possibility.
A. Daft. Punk. Reference. Wow. Just wow. (Note: this was more shocking before season five, when there was a character that was basically Lady Gaga. And by basically, I mean very obviously Lady Gaga. Remember when the pop culture references in this show were subtle?)
Dash’s song is quite possibly the most cringeworthy thing I have ever heard. The only defense is it does sound like something a high schooler would write.
On that note, why is Rainbow Dash the lead singer of the group? I mean, I know why, but WHY? (and yes, I am aware that her voice actress is a singer. But Ashleigh Ball uses her normal voice when she performs. Think back to all the songs RD has sung in the previous four seasons before this aired. There are not a lot of solos or high notes. When she sings as Applejack, it is beautiful, but Dash’s voice is grating sometimes)
Really? A battle of the bands is the greatest thing you’ve done at the school? That whole “stopping an actual demon with magic” was just a regular Friday for you? I’ll chalk that up to the brainwashing, otherwise I might go full on rage and throw my laptop out a window.
I guess our merry band of protagonists weren’t paying attention to big cafeteria scene, because they just now figured something suspicious is going on.
Still haven’t fixed the lights in that dim corner of lockers. Fortunately, there are many dramatic confrontations to be had.
I think we’re supposed to see Rarity’s obsession with the outfits as a ridiculous thing, but I think it’s important to distinguish this universe from the one with the professional seamstress who has unicorn magic at her disposal. This is a teenager who has school, extracurriculars, and parents to contend with. If I went through the trouble to hand-make seven costumes for my friends, then found out no one would wear them, I’d be pretty ticked off as well.
Now this is how you montage. We get to play a fun game of “guess which characters are in which band,” and seeing their “humanized” designs. Lotta bootcut pants in this show.
I’m just going to leave this here...
This is some actually effective villainy. The whole school has turned against each other. Maybe they need to learn about the magic of friendship. Unfortunately, the gang is too busy squabbling over band stuff, and Twilight is too distracted to give an overly emotional speech.
No one in the rule book does it say magically turning into a pony is grounds for disqualification...I would assume.
If we’re being honest here, the Dazzlings are better performers than the Rainbooms.
And we’ve come to the crux of things. The scene where they’re locked under the stage is the perfect example of my biggest issue with this movie. I do not like to see Mane 6 fight. I don’t like Trade Ya, I don’t like Putting Your Hoof Down, and I despise Look Before You Sleep. Seeing this otherwise close group of friends constantly have petty arguments, even if it’s for completely valid plot reasons, make me want to turn the movie off. This isn’t a criticism of the screenwriting, it is just a reason why I personally dislike Rainbow Rocks more than the other films.
Of course, they make up because this is about the magic of friendship and what not, but notice how no one actually apologizes for their behavior. No, “I’m sorry that I minimized your contribution to the group or made fun of something you were passionate about.” I realize they were under the influence of magic, but they also knew that! They knew the Dazzlings had the power to turn people against each other! An apology is just a preamble to fundamental behavior change, and if they don’t realize why they were being bad friends, how can they learn from anything?
And the real kicker is, they knew what the Dazzlings were capable of. Twilight read a book about them immediately before going through the portal. It’s not they they just learned that they spread chaos. Why are we fighting? Gee, I don’t know.
DJ-ex-machina. I’m ok with this.
To the movie’s credit, the finale really has one of the best song of the movie. And by that, I of course mean Trixie’s song. Trixie is the most fun addition to the cast. She makes for a fun antagonist, on her own and as a Pawn to the Dazzlings.
Fight scene! Fight scene! We’re gonna have a fight scene!
Now that they’ve put their petty squabbles behind them, it’s time for a big music battle. The Dazzlings pony up harness the energy of the audience to project their Equestrian selves to...I don’t know. Take over the world or something.
This isn’t even their final form
Oh. This design looked better in book form
Sunset is Magic. That’s the show.
So the stones auto-tuned them, and that made everyone mindlessly antagonistic. I’m sure there’s some clever commentary there.
T’was the magic of friendship that killed the beast.
No, you don’t get to just rejoin the plot
Thank you, Trixie.
The real story here is how Principal Celestia will pay off the press.
Thus Twilight goes back to the land of horses, Starlight has been truly forgiven, and my Netflix suggestions will never been the same again.
I want to give a big shout out to the person who put all the captions on the image gallery for this movie’s wikia page. They are funnier than I could ever hope to be.
Some general thoughts:
The scene of Twilight awkwardly yelling “Friendship is magic!” to a room of confused teenagers is the cringiest thing I’ve ever seen, but it got a good laugh out of me. Look at the Dazzlings faces in this scene. “Ok, we legitimately didn’t see that coming.”
One of the reasons that I am so drawn to the show is that they are able to create conflict and drama without being mean-spirited. I have to deal with that kind of nonsense so much in my daily life, I just don’t want to subject myself to eighty minutes of it. But i get it: from a narrative standpoint, this is the most cohesive. There’s some good set up and pay off, and an actually intimidating villain who is actually present in the plot.
I love Trixie so much, I should be dead. She really is the star of the show. I forgot how little we saw of her before season six.
The stinger, oh the stinger. Forget what I said about the pajama party; it was worth sitting through this for the promise of an interesting sequel.
We’ll get to you soon, you marvelous lesbian disaster.
Starlight’s redemption is the best part of this franchise, and it’s worth all the nonsense to hear Rebecca Shoichet’s angelic voice.
From a purely film standpoint, this is probably the best one of the bunch. It has a clear structure, everyone’s motivations check out, there’s an actual climax that feels earned. I just don’t enjoy it. There are worse ways to spend eighty minutes 3.7/5
The worst thing to come from this, however, is the terrifying merchandise:
What Fresh Hell is This?
#MLP:FiM#MLP Equestria Girls#equestrian girls review#equestria girls#rainbow rocks#more of my opinions
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My 2018 Writing Roundup
2018 was one of those years where I felt like I was frantically treading water all year, only to look up and realize I’d actually managed to swim myself to shore. The previous two years somehow felt simultaneously tumultuous and like a plateau. At first, I thought 2018 was more of the same, but looking back it was way more of a transitional year than I realized. I’m ending the year on a higher note than I started it, which is a really nice feeling. I’m in an apartment I love, feeling a bit more stable, and I even developed the ability to do a full pushup for the first time in my life, which is by far my single greatest achievement of the year!
This was my fifth year as a full-time freelance writer, and I experienced a pretty big shift in the types of articles I wrote this year—fewer short news posts and way more long-form pieces that more truly reflect my voice and opinions. I actually didn’t realize it until creating this roundup, but good god did I do a lot of writing this year. No wonder I had some pretty severe moments of burnout. I’m incredibly proud of the volume of writing I did, although I’m also frustrated that I worked this much yet still frequently struggled to make ends meet. Thankfully, after a rocky year money-wise, I found a little more stability towards the end of the year. Here’s hoping I can carry that forward into 2019!
One of my big goals for 2018 was to immerse myself more in the world of film criticism, and boy howdy did I manage to manifest that one! I quadrupled the number of films I watched this year and filled in some big cinematic blindspots. I also began writing film reviews in a regular capacity, first at Consequence of Sound and later for The A.V. Club and Alcohollywood as well. While I’ll always enjoy writing about TV (and loved covering the shows I did this year!), TV criticism is something I kind of inadvertently fell into at the start of my career. Film has always been my first love, and I’m glad I found the courage and drive to shift into this new area of writing. It’s been lovely to start immersing myself in the world of Chicago film critics too.
But by far my biggest achievement of the year (beyond being able to do a pushup, of course!) is launching my column When Romance Met Comedy for The A.V. Club. I poured my whole heart and soul into the column, both in terms of each individual entry and in terms of shaping its overall voice and making sure to cover a diverse set of films within the rom-com genre. It’s been a lot of work (way more work than is actually cost effective for me, to be honest), but I’m incredibly proud of how the column turned out in its first year. It’s also been really lovely to get so much positive feedback, both from the commentary community as well as from my A.V. Club bosses. I started my writing career with a blog about rom-coms and I find it hilarious that it took me four years to think of actually pitching that as an idea elsewhere. I’m so glad I did, and I’m having a blast planning out my slate of films to cover in 2019. (If you want to stump for your favorite, drop me a line on Twitter!)
With that, I’ll leave you with wishes for a Happy New Year and a roundup of all the major writing I did in 2018. If you enjoyed my work this year, it would mean a lot if you would support me on either Kofi or PayPal. Or just share some of your favorite pieces with your friends!
OP-EDS
My my, what the hell is up with the Mamma Mia! timeline?
A timey-wimey guide to the modern era of Doctor Who
Star Wars: Episode IX can fill Leia’s absence by embracing its forgotten queen
From femme fatale to complex superhero: The evolution of the MCU’s Black Widow
All the songs from The Greatest Showman, ranked
WHEN ROMANCE MET COMEDY
Like the best romantic comedies, Bridget Jones’s Diary is about more than just falling in love
Bringing Up Baby and the screwball comedies that delivered romance via pratfalls
After When Harry Met Sally, almost every rom-com tried to have what Nora Ephron was having
The Big Sick lovingly updated the rom-com formula with a coma and a great 9/11 joke
Something Borrowed and the phenomenon of rom-coms that hate women
In a sea of unintentionally creepy rom-coms, the original Overboard goes, well, overboard
My Best Friend’s Wedding rewrote the rom-com happy ending
Will Smith’s lone rom-com muddled its message about pickup artists and romance
Breakfast At Tiffany’s is so much more than a fashionable proto-Sex And The City
25 years ago, Sleepless In Seattle found the romantic hiding in the cynic
Before palling around with Ant-Man and the Wasp, Peyton Reed was Down With Love
You can dance, you can jive, you can love Mamma Mia! without feeling embarrassed
Maid In Manhattan let Jennifer Lopez’s rom-com talents sparkle
Pair Crazy Rich Asians with this Hong Kong rom-com classic
Jane Austen provided the romantic comedy some Sense And Sensibility
How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days set the stage for the rom-com’s downfall
Romantic comedies (briefly) came out of the closet with In & Out
Pretty In Pink is a far superior riff on the Sixteen Candles formula
How Stella Got Her Groove Back is a sexy vacation romp that explores the line between fantasy and reality
The Devil Wears Prada pulls off the perfect romantic comedy look, even though it really isn't one
Enchanted, or: How I learned to stop worrying and love the Disney princess
Why are Hallmark Christmas movies so addictive?
Without hope or agenda: A defense of Love Actually
SEASON-LONG TV COVERAGE
Doctor Who S11
Daredevil S3
This Is Us S2 and S3
Jessica Jones S2
Supergirl S3 and S4
FILM REVIEWS
Crazy Rich Asians has so much rom-com razzle dazzle it practically sings
Ben Mendelsohn battles suburban ennui in Nicole Holofcener’s The Land Of Steady Habits
Michael Shannon is refreshingly ordinary in What They Had, a family drama with focus issues
Mark Wahlberg and Rose Byrne build an Instant Family in a comedy more touching than funny
After a clumsy opening statement, RBG biopic On The Basis Of Sex effectively argues its case
Jennifer Lopez’s overstuffed Second Act offers three movies for the price of one
The Girl in the Spider’s Web: Lisbeth Slander gets an action hero makeover
Widows: An Enthralling Heist Thriller with Some Less Interesting Gangster Drama Touches
If Beale Street Could Talk: Love is a Battle, Love is a War
6 Balloons tackles the everyday agonies of the opiate crisis
I Feel Pretty takes on identity crises while having one of its own
RBG examines the complex, inspiring woman behind all the memes
Book Club does a disservice to its gifted cast of legacy stars
Set It Up is a fine, breezy rom-com for the start of summer
Ant-Man and the Wasp takes a modest quantum leap for the series
Robin Williams: Come Inside My Mind looks into the late comedian’s heart
The Spy Who Dumped Me is a fun but fairly disposable summer flick
Like Father uses the Netflix format to play around with comic conventions
Madeline’s Madeline blurs the lines of fantasy and reality
Life Itself is so bizarre it has to be seen to be believed
Private Life takes a personal, observant look at late-life reproduction
The Nutcracker and the Four Realms is a CGI mess with an earnest heart
The Grinch goes CGI and gets a fluffy, sincere modern update
TV REVIEWS/OP-EDS
Grey’s Anatomy’s lengthy existence isn’t a joke, it’s a strength
This Is Us is obsessed with killing its dad
Three years later, Supergirl is still telling the best female-centered superhero stories
Even without a resurrection, John Legend rises in NBC’s electrifying Jesus Christ Superstar Live
Sara Bareilles and Josh Groban lend an infectious energy to the wonderfully earnest 72nd Annual Tony Awards
Iron Fist season 2 feels like an entirely different show—which is mostly a good thing
13 Reasons Why puts itself on trial but can’t give up its worst impulses in season 2
Sex dreams and explosive rectal surgeries—it must be the Grey’s Anatomy season 15 premiere
Pre-Air Review: Dietland offers an ambitious, unapologetic taste of something new
Season Two Review: The messages of The Handmaid’s Tale season two resonate now more than ever
Season One Review: AMC’s Dietland aimed wide and mostly hit its marks in a chaotic first season
PODCAST GUEST APPEARANCES
Cinematic Universe: Men In Black
Cinematic Universe: Independence Day
Filmography: Wes Anderson comedies
Debating Doctor Who: Favorite guest stars part 1 and part 2
TV Party: Let’s Solve Westworld Season Two
TV Party: Appreciating The West Wing’s “Two Cathedrals”
Plus some other episodes of TV Party including this one, this one, this one, this one, this one, and this one.
MINDMEET INTERVIEWS
Bernard Avle: Human Beings Are Stories
The CyberCode Twins: A Blockchain Beacon of Hope
Jason Berlin and Tour de Crypto: A Pioneering Journey to Raise Awareness for Charity and Bitcoin
And here are similar year-end wrap-ups I did in 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, and 2013.
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The Secret Society of Goats Has New Uniforms and New Members (repost??)
Lindsay, my best female friend, started off the meeting with a ritualistic truth dance. Mr. Thor, Murphee, Lindsay, Peter, and I led the meeting.
Asshole Peter is now rank 16. He was able to ignore my cat, Kissy, a new member of the secret society of goats and not die. As a result of his razzle dazzle bullshit, I turned that mother fucker into a giraffe yesterday. I was supposed to wait until November to turn him into a giraffe, but fuck him and his tall, pale, and awkward bullshit.
In other news, I turned myself into a jaguar as a side effect of the spell. I can bleat, but I always sound angry because Peter W. Parker pisses me off. I'm hungry all the time, too. At least jaguars are predators to giraffes.
Peter's girlfriend, Joselyn, constantly talks about how she wants to ride him. She loves riding giraffes, especially if they are assholes like Peter. She sat on his back when the meeting officially began.
"Ladies and Gentlemen... and animals," Mr. Thor said.
Murphee barked to acknowledge this statement.
"We have a new member. His name is A. P. Himmel," Mr. Thor said.
A.P. Himmel stood up. "Oh Lord. Please, Mr. Thor and all members of this secret society of goats, call me Paul," he said with an excellent bleat.
Everyone except asshole giraffe Peter bleated.
Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing was still struggling with his bleat. "Damn," he said.
"Oh God. My cousin's named Paul," Peter said. "And he isn't part of the secret society of goats... Should we appoint this Paul with a title?!"
Everyone, especially the women, bleated in affirmation.
"Yes! Paul the Goat?" Mr. Thor asked.
Paul laughed hard and hearty. "Yes. Paul the Goat is suiting," he said.
"Wonderful! Let the induction ceremony begin!" Mr. Thor announced.
Everyone bleated. Joebear growled in affirmation. He was a good beast.
"Come on stage, Paul the Goat!" Mr. Thor said with authority.
Paul the Goat went on stage. Everyone bleated. Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing was still having trouble bleating, so he coughed to clear his throat.
Kissy meowed out of turn and started biting Joebear's ankles out of excitement.
"Stop, Kissy," Joebear said kindly.
Kissy stopped before she pawed at his toes.
"I said, 'Stop,' baby girl," Joebear said.
"Quit!!!!" I yelled in the middle of the induction ceremony.
Joebear and Kissy perked up. Everyone stared at us.
"Sorry, bae. She's just a little kitten. She's excited. She didn't mean anything by it," Joebear said.
Kissy meowed an apology.
"I know, but we're conducting a meeting. When we get done inducting Paul the Goat and discussing business, you guys can do your bullshit. Until then, stop!" I yelled.
"You're a little strung out, huh?" Joebear asked.
"Yes, dear," I said as I hissed before roaring at his bear ass.
Kissy reared up in fright.
"Ahem. Well, Paul the Goat, I need you to sign these forms," Mr. Thor said.
Peter's phone made a noise as it frequently does these days. "Jesus Christ, Dad! I'm at an important meeting!" he yelled.
"Tell your dad to cool it!" I snapped.
"Who the fuck are you to say anything to me?! I'm rank 16! You're rank 15. Shut the fuck up," Peter yelled and bleated in giraffe language.
Mr. Thor smashed the ground with his hammer and screamed. "For the love of God, I'm trying to induct a new member, and you guys are being asshats. I'm rank 29. On my authority, shut the fuck up!" Mr. Thor yelled.
Everyone at that point started to act like a normal goat/bear/giraffe/cat/jaguar/dog.
Paul the Goat bleated out of excitement as he signed the documents.
Everyone bleated. Mr. Thor bleated again. Murphee barked. Kissy and Garfield meowed.
Tug burst in the door.
"Oh God! I forgot to lock the door again. Fuck it. Can we induct Tug in the secret society of goats? This is the second fucking time he's done this shit!" Murphee said dramatically.
"Sure! Paul the Goat is still signing documents!" Mr. Thor yelled and threw his hands up while holding his mighty Thor hammer.
Joebear's phone rang, and the Pokemon theme song began.
"Oh for the love of God..." Mr. Thor said as he sighed loudly.
Joebear yelled. "I forgot to turn the phone off."
I answered the phone and put it on speaker.
Everyone bleated to answer the phone. The theme song changed to a cheery Christmas tone from The Grinch Who Stole Christmas (2000).
The phone spoke and sounded like the Grinch in The Grinch Who Stole Christmas with Jim Carrey. "If you are a goat that needs health insurance, press 1. If you are a bear that needs health insurance, press 2. If you are a cat of any kind that needs health insurance, press 3. If you are a giraffe that needs health insurance, press 4. If you are a dog that needs health insurance, press 5. If you are a toilet that needs health insurance, press 9. If you'd like to fax me, press the star key."
A few goats in the background laughed. One goat said, "I wish he'd call me, I'd press 1. I hate owing on taxes because I don't have health insurance!"
A few other goats, Lindsay, Prince Carrington, and I laughed at his response.
Joebear sighed loudly. He said "Oh my God!" quietly before he spoke in a regular tone. "May I speak to a person?"
"Blast this Christmas music! It's joyful AND triumphant!" the voice that sounded like Jim Carrey's grinch said.
Everyone in the meeting hall laughed hysterically.
The phone clicked before a person answered in an Indian accent, "Hello?!"
"What company are you?" Joebear asked.
Everyone bleated loudly. Paul the Goat bleated even louder to prove his worth.
"Excuse me? Do you want health insurance?" the man with the Indian accent asked.
Joebear growled. "What. Company. Are. You?"
The phone hung up, and the Christmas theme song stopped.
"Ignorant asshole. I'm collecting a check from you!" Joebear said before he growled and bleated at the same time.
Paul the Goat announced, "I am finished signing the documents!"
Tug howled and half-barked.
"CAN WE INDUCT MY DOG AND MOVE ON WITH THIS GOD-FORSAKEN MEETING!!!" Peter yelled as he jumped up and down. Joselyn was holding onto him and giggling.
"YES! I'D LIKE TO, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!" Mr. Thor yelled before screaming in Asgardian language! "Tug!!!"
Tug howled loudly and jumped on stage. "I'm ready! My house is exploding! Let's get on with this!" he said.
Peter sighed his trademark sigh and bleated out of frustration. "Not again!" he yelled.
Mr. Thor beat the floor with the hammer before he turned to Tug. "Tug, do you, Great Basenji, agree to follow the code of the secret society? Do you agree to burst in on a meeting only for an absolute purpose of doing right by a moral code?"
Tug howled and reared up in agreement.
Everyone laughed and bleated.
Peter's phone went off again. He looked down and yelled, "DAD!" He was texting him back and humming.
Tug looked over at Peter and yipped a few times out of frustration.
"Getting frustrated with Peter is an essential part of being a member of this society," Mr. Thor said.
Tug howled loudly in agreement.
"Peter is a fucking asshole," Mr. Thor said.
Tug and Murphee howled in agreement.
"Fuck you!" Peter yelled.
"This meeting wouldn't exist without Peter saying 'Fuck you,'" I said.
Kissy and Garfield meowed in agreement.
Mr. Thor let Tug go through the papers to put his paw print on the appropriate dotted lines.
Joebear petted Kissy and Garfield to comfort them.
When Tug was filling out paperwork, Peter all of a sudden bleated like the giraffe he was. He jumped up and down with Joselyn riding his back. He bleated one more time like a giraffe before running out of the meeting hall at full speed.
Everyone except Tug and Mr. Thor looked out of the window and wondered what the fuck that was about.
"What was that about?" Joebear asked while he looked legitimately confused and scared. "This reminds me of the time I went off on Covington Credit in Athens over the phone for reason only apparent to me six weeks ago."
We watched as Peter chomped on some leaves on the trees outside to relieve stress and anxiety that his dad causes him on a regular basis. Apparently, Peter had gotten hungry from the bullshit this meeting put him through.
Joselyn was petting his back as she rode him. She bleated several times. A few times, she bleated in his ears. He bleated back softly.
We bleated loudly several times in response. Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing still had trouble bleating, so he coughed and said, "Baaaaahhhhh!" He should have been in the secret society of sheep based on his larynx ability. He was still welcome in the secret society of goats, though.
"Oh God, you people are such normies. You don't know it. Just wake up one morning and listen to yourselves. Listen to yourselves. You're normies," Mr. Thor announced.
Everyone laughed and bleated.
Murphee barked in agreement.
"MURPHAY!" I yelled.
"MURPHAY!!!" everyone yelled. Everyone added an obligatory bleat.
Joselyn rode Peter back into the meeting hall.
"We have returned," Peter announced as he slowly laid on the mat next to me on the end. Joselyn's ass stayed glued to Peter's back.
"Welcome back, Peter," Mr. Thor said.
"Welcome back, Peter," everyone said. Everyone bleated.
Peter and Joselyn bleated well.
Tug slammed his paw on the last document and announced, "I have finished my paperwork. Please get to official business. Peter's father isn't faring well. We must make haste!"
Joebear smashed a spider near him. "Sorry. He was too big. He couldn't stay," he said.
Mr. Thor spoke, "Jesus... Now that the spider is gone, we can talk about new uniforms."
Tug sighed. "Of course! I picked today's meeting to call an emergency for Jamie. Jesus.... uniforms..."
Mr. Thor threw a Viking hat on Tug's head and said, "Go forth. Relay the message that Peter shall be there shortly."
Tug rushed out of the meeting hall and said, "Thank you."
When Tug rushed out, Gabby, Mr. Thor's missing thin tabby cat with pale blue majestic eyes, walked through the hall in regal style. Everyone looked to him and bleated.
Gabby came on the stage. Mr. Thor crowned him with a Viking helmet. Gabby thanked him. Murphee howled in his honor.
When Gabby spoke, he had the melodic deep voice of James Earl Jones. "Hello everyone of the secret society of goats and to the basenji that ran out of here in honor."
Everyone bleated loudly and said, "Hello!" Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing and Paul the Goat were a bit slow to respond. They were still new members who had no idea whom the fuck Gabby was.
"Hello. I have come to announce that I have a new owner. She is a 90-year-old woman that needs my love and care. Without me, she has no animal to watch over her," Gabby announced. He turned to Mr. Thor and said, "I thank thee for caring for me for 20 years. I have you to thank for the cat I am today."
Some of the other goats were shedding tears of joy for Gabby.
"You're welcome," Mr. Thor said. "I thank you for doing your goatly... catly duty for this esteemed society. I couldn't be prouder of you, Gabby Hayes Parmello."
Murphee howled. Everyone bleated. Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing struggled with the last few seconds of his bleat.
"Now go forth, Gabby Hayes. Take care of that woman. Come to our meetings when you can. As a rank 20 goat/cat elite, you can pick and choose when to come," Mr. Thor said.
Gabby Hayes walked off the stage, down the middle of the meeting hall, and exited.
Everyone bleated loudly.
"Gabbbbbbaaaaayyyyyyyy!!" Every member except Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing and Paul the Goat yelled in excitement.
"Gabby is a rank 20 cat goat that must be acknowledged before, during, and after the meetings he attends. He brings joy to all of Georgia's neighborhoods," Lindsay said to Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing.
"Wow! There are so many surprises in this society. How do you guys keep track of what the hell is going on?" asked Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing.
"We don't," Prince Carrington answered with a laugh bleat.
"Very true," Peter said as he rolled his eyes. "This society is completely fucked-up."
"Especially because you're in it. I hate you," I said to Peter.
"Hate you, too. I hate the air you breathe," Peter said with a giraffe bleat.
I growled at him like the jaguar I was.
Mr. Thor beat the floor with his mighty hammer again.
Murphee barked three times.
"Now to discuss uniforms! For the men of this esteemed secret society of goats, we will wear Viking helmets, loin cloths, and boots up to our knees. We will also carry mighty hammers if we are above rank 10 and have aposable thumbs," Mr. Thor said.
Peter looked down at his hooves and said, "Fuck!"
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heres the rest of thos asks
Macaroni and Cheese: What makes you think of your childhood?
i suppose its old shows i used to watch. wishbone
Spring Green: How do you relax when you’re stressed?
uhm i stop caring or listen to music or eat something lol
Asparagus: What’s an unpopular opinion you have?
uhhhh.....i dont like thomas sanders
Bittersweet: Has someone you loved ever hurt you?
of course
Eggplant: Explain your url and avatar.
my url comes from a sandwich board one of the local businesses put out back where i used to be; my avatar is because i like lars
Outer Space: Do you ever feel like you’re an outcast from others?
yeah but not in like a dramatic way, i just dont tend to easily find ppl in on a social wavelength with
Cotton Candy: What is your favorite dessert?
ice cream
Freckle: Do you have any marks on your skin? How do you feel about them?
i have freckles which are my pride and joy, stretch marks and scars which i also love. i still break out a bit which i dont mind horribly just coz im used to it, but i dont think i could ever Like that lol, best case scenario be neutral abt it
Shocking Pink: Is there a trait that you have that others don’t expect from you?
sometimes when you dont talk around someone i guess they think you have no thoughts at all? sometimes ppl seem surprised i have like opinions ever. onhere im obviously partially upfront abt what im passionate about, but in person i rarely entrust anyone w that
Robin’s Egg Blue: If you were an animal, which one do you think would you be?
a cat
Granny Smith Apple: What’s something everyone else likes that you don’t?
star wars...i dont Dislike it, ive just never been able to like....care in the least. rogue one was rad af tho
Dandelion: What’s a pet peeve of yours?
an easy one is that certain sounds bother the hell out of me, not the ones that are supposed to tho, like nails on chalkboard type stuff. certain kinds of audible eating noises are intolerable to me, i dont use some word ever b/c i hate the sound
Atomic Tangerine: What gets you motivated to do a difficult task?
uhhh.....getting it over with
Wisteria: What’s your favorite thing about yourself?
im nice to cats
Candy Apple: How do you think others view you?
on average i guess as quiet
Plum: Are you insecure about anything?
yeah, my enthusiasm in general, and my teeth/skin/fact that i exist
Sky Blue: Where do you feel the most at home?
fuck, uhhh...im pretty comfortable on a roller coaster lol
Tickle Me Pink: How do you try to cheer others up when they’re sad?
i really dont, but i suppose by giving them food
Wild Strawberry: Do you care what others think about you?
to the extent that they dont think im a complete asshole but not really
Glossy Grape: Recommend something to your followers.
a kentucky hot brown is a secret sandwich and theres a whole cheese sauce you have to make but its worth it
World Wide Web Yellow: What was the last thing you looked up?
my goog app says it was "whats the difference between sphinxes and manticores"
Shadow Blue: Do you have a darker side to you that most people are unaware of?
not in like, an edgy way, but ive never graced anyone with a true loss of temper or even anything close to it really. loss of patience tops lol
Electric Lime: What genre of music do you listen to?
generally some form of pop
Night Owl: Describe a very interesting dream that you had.
god have i ever had an "interesting" dream...i guess i have when im dreaming in like, video game format. but uhhh...recently i dreamt abt going to several beaches, thats abt as fun as it gets
Cornflower: What do you think about the most?
gay shit
Grasshopper Green: Describe the area where you live.
appalachia
Misty Moss: Is there anything you regret?
not really no
Tiny Toad Brown: Do you find beauty in something that people consider to be ugly or undesirable?
uneven skin tone, scars and stretch marks
Sunny Side Up: Do you like waking up in the mornings, or would you rather sleep in?
sleep in all fuckn day
Kitten Gray: Do you have any pets? If so, describe them.
not technically
Timberwolf: Do you give second chances when somebody has wronged you?
i guess
Freshly Squeezed: What excites you?
ooh...i dunno, birds? stars. boring things like that. snails.
Firefly Red: What gives you purpose?
i dont really consider myself having a purpose
Tiny Teapot Tan: Do you consider yourself to be attractive/cute?
im fairly average
Rain Drop Blue: Describe the weather outside.
its nighttime but i think its clear out
Sweet Pea Green: Do you have/want children?
god no
Pussywillow: Do you like being around others, or do you like being alone?
unless its good friends then i'd prefer to be alone
Jack ‘O’ Lantern Orange: What’s your biggest fear and why?
uh, needing some form of health care because i cant afford that
Baby Bunny Pink: Do you look young for your age, or do you look older than you are?
i used to look older than my age, now im not sure
Mystic Maroon: What confuses you, and why?
this question???? poetry coz its obfuscated
Cosmic Cobalt: What’s your zodiac sign, and do you think it’s accurate?
pisces. i do like the ocean, but otherwise not really
Petal Pink: Describe your fashion sense as well as what you’re wearing right now.
im not sure...in reality i think its kind of boring but i do like having some bright color or noticeable pattern/line or just contrast in general. im wearing skinny jeans and a graphic tee and warm socks
Mountain Meadow: Do you like taking care of others, or do you prefer being care of?
neither
Fuzzy Duckling Yellow: Is there something from childhood that you haven’t outgrown?
arthur on pbs is a dope show
Brussel Sproutlet: Do you have any unhealthy habits?
hell yeah
Razzle Dazzle Rose: Describe an ideal date.
again i dont date
Mauvelous: Do you think you deserve a better life than you have now?
i mean this implies i think anyone "deserves" a worse life than others. which in some cases is true in that they deserve to die or definitely dont deserve the life they have, but on avg...ppl dont Deserve the disparities in quality of life
Blueberry Blue: Do you get sad easily? not about personal stuff
Purple Mountains Majesty: How does someone earn your respect? be an actually decent person which i guess i have high standards for when it comes to random ppl you meet, but
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Spring Green, Shocking Pink, Atomic Tangerine, Wisteria, Tickle Me Pink, Night Owl, Rose Dust, Cosmic Cobalt, and Razzle Dazzle Rose
Thank friend ^^
Spring Green: How do you relax when you’re stressed?Normally just youtubers. Markiplier, recently it’s been AH... If it’s really bad I’ll blog about it and/or watch and listen to some ASMR. Anything that will calm me down and ground me really or just drown out whatever the stressor is.
Shocking Pink: Is there a trait that you have that others don’t expect from you?I think if something like that does exist in me, I think it’s my capacity to be vindictive, spiteful, and intentionally hurtful. I do my best to hide and bury it but sometimes it comes through and I think that’s what is the most shocking.
Atomic Tangerine: What gets you motivated to do a difficult task?Deadlines and anxiety. Sometimes I’ll set up rewards for myself like no cake/tv show/movie/video games/whatever until after the work gets done and that tends to help.
Wisteria: What’s your favorite thing about yourself?My drive to help others and to be compassionate and empathetic above all else.
Tickle Me Pink: How do you try to cheer others up when they’re sad?Depends on the person. With you I try to help you with it or throw you into rp so you can be distracted and/or work it out through writing. If that doesn’t work I’ll just idly ramble about my day and try to put as much humour into it as possible. And if none of that works, calling generally does
Night Owl: Describe an interesting dream you had.This one is a bit of a sex dream (so move on if you want to avoid it, it’s not super NFSW, there’s no details, but it will be mentioned) but it is interesting. So, my cousins and I were on a road trip and we ended up stopping at a hotel which was your standard, big city, super tall hotel but it was in the middle of no where but it was also a hot spring with a traditional, what you see in Japanese anime type of furniture and shit. Only each floor counted as one room and there were some how hot springs on every floor. So my cousins and I all get separate rooms but the other thing in this room was a person. And I remember being confused but then said person started making sexual advances and that was apparently what they were there for. So we all stayed the night and had fun and then we left the hotel and I woke up very confused because I remember recognizing the person in my room as someone I knew but by the time I woke up, I couldn’t remember the face anymore.
Rose Dust: Describe your aesthetic in five words or less.Comfort, punk, pastel, fandom
Cosmic Cobalt: What’s your zodiac sign and do you think it’s accurate?I’m a Sagittarius and for the most part I think it’s accurate. I do have a lot of wander lust and I do have commitment issues and I do prefer to be independent and I do bounce back from things easily enough, so on and so forth... But idk, I’ve never given it much credit. It’s fun though
Razzle Dazzle Rose: Describe an ideal date.Dinner some place Italian with exposed stone and candles. It is delicious and we order a wine that does NOT go with the meal we’re eating but it tastes better so we have it anyway. We save room for dessert. Then a movie where we are super cheesy about it and my datemate does ~the move~ in a cliche attempt to cuddle with me and it works. We pay enough attention to the movie that it was worth our money to go and we enjoy it but we also spend enough time focusing on each other in the dark to play with each other’s hands and kiss and maybe make out. We leave laughing, popcorn long finished but drinks still in our hands. We talk about the movie. I think we’re going home to wrap things up but my datemate surprises me with one last event and we drive out as far as we can to get away from the light pollution to star gaze while laying on the hood of the car. My datemate has planned this so we do have blankets and each other to cozy into. We kiss some more. Eventually, I’m coaxed back into the car and we go home. I fall asleep on the car ride back and I’m guided into a bed. My datemate stays and we fall asleep cuddled together and warm to dance with each other and the stars in our dreams. I get breakfast in bed the next morning and we hang out a little bit more (I probably use the shower and we probably use my nakedness from after the shower to have sex) before we part ways.
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Completed Draxum's Nightmare Comic!
CW: PTSD, nightmare, anxiety attacks, implied character death, trauma, Mikey's hands do the snap-crackle-pop-glowstick thing
I had a fun time creating this miniseries comic, answering interesting asks about writing Draxum's character and angst ideas, and just seeing people fall to their knees over the angst I fed them.
Thanks for reading! See ya in the next comic!!
Now go get some rest.
#Draxum's Nightmare Comic#watch me razzle dazzle myself out of existence#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt#rottmnt fanart#rottmnt mikey#rottmnt michelangelo#rottmnt draxum#rottmnt baron draxum#draxum fanart#dad draxum#papa draxum#draxum angst#mikey and draxum#draxum and mikey#rise draxum#baron draxum#draxum#rise michelangelo#magic hands mikey#magic mikey#mystic mikey#rottmnt movie#ptsd#we let the chef cook#we get a full course meal#rottmnt leo#rottmnt donnie#rottmnt raph#rottmnt fancomic
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Draxum's Nightmare: An ROTTMNT Post-Movie Comic, part 4/9
First || Prev || Next
#Draxum's Nightmare Comic#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt#tutant meenage neetle teetles#rottmnt fanart#teenage mutant ninja turtles fanart#rottmnt angst#rottmnt mikey#rottmnt draxum#draxum and mikey#draxum angst#rottmnt baron draxum#mystic mikey#magic hands mikey#magic mikey#rottmnt mikey fanart#WELP THERE HE GOES#not again#watch me razzle dazzle myself out of existence#give the boy a break he didn't sleep and has adhd he can't handle school#i'm cooking#I'm actually so in love with the lighting effects I did look at em#✨sparkle✨
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Sketchin’
#rottmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#tutant meenage neetle teetles#rottmnt mikey#rottmnt fanart#until i found you#until i found you au#rottmnt until i found you#rottmnt sketches#sketches#sketching#character sketch#magic#magic mikey#mystic mikey#he’s so pretty#sparkle sparkle#the eyes have seen wonders and horrors alike#watch me razzle dazzle myself out of existence#janky sketches#teenage mutant ninja turtles fanart#rottmnt separated au#separated au#tmnt au
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Based on @boots-with-the-fur-club’s “No Fun in Fungus” fic series
EAT. FEAST.
FOR I HAVE DEVOURED.
PS thank you for breaking my art block
Based off of this part in particular...
"How are you doing this!?" Raph pulls at the chain around him. Mikey wraps more chains around his arms, glowing yellow pooling in his eyes and down his face in tears. "Stop it! You're not leaving! I don't care if you want out of this family! W-We're going to work out our problems and nobody is going anywhere!" "Mikey, none of us want to leave the family! It's the hallucinations!" Donnie insists.
"H-How do I know that!? Leo and Raph fought so much just because they couldn't understand each other! L-Leo was just going to let himself die! None of you can promise me that you won't leave!" "Mikey-" "No! W-We're all going to apologize! I-I'm sorry for being so annoying.....-I'm sorry I can't use my arms a lot yet. I'm sorry you think I hate you Raphie!" He shuts his eyes, making more tears spill out.
Raph's jaw drops. Mikey only calls him Raphie nowadays when he wants something especially badly and his puppy dog eyes weren't working. When they were younger, that's all he called him.
I desperately want to sketch out this entire scene
#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt#rottmnt fanart#rottmnt mikey#rottmnt raph#teenage mutant ninja turtles fanart#No Fun in Fungus#rottmnt fic#rottmnt fanfic#ficlet#ART BLOCK YE HAVE BEEN BESTED!!!#magic hands mikey#watch me razzle dazzle myself out of existence#mystic mikey#mikey-coded#mikey angst#mikey fanart#raph and mikey#rottmnt sunset duo#sunset duo#magic chains
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So I did a commission a week or so ago and it was for magical mid-twenties Mikey crying golden tears. Well I had a first draft sketch that I loved too much to discard, so I turned it into a full art piece and I really liked it so here ya go kiddies eat up the free food
I think I broke the sound barrier from how fast I ascended with this
I did not mean to pop off that hard I was just honestly having fun experimenting with light effects and got lost in the glamour of future Mikey
#who says first drafts are never good? look at what i made and say it to my face#screw you hemmingway#god-tier#mikey fanart#future mikey#mikey angst#magic mikey#mystic mikey#magic tears#crying#sobbing#rise michelangelo#rise mikey#rottmnt mikey#rottmnt michelangelo#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt#rottmnt fanart#watch me razzle dazzle myself out of existence#drawing commisions#you didn't even have to pay to see this#i did this just for me
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youtube
@princesskowhai dubbed my comic! It was so cute!!
Original comic here
#Youtube#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt#rottmnt fanart#Draxum's Nightmare Comic#rottmnt mikey#rottmnt draxum#mikey and draxum#mikey angst#draxum angst#draxum fanart#mikey fanart#papa draxum#dad draxum#found family#magic hands mikey#mystic mikey#watch me razzle dazzle myself out of existence#teenage mutant ninja turtles fanart#tutant meenage neetle teetles#rottmnt donnie#rottmnt leo#rottmnt raph
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