the thing that is the hardest for me to accept about Heaven and Hell: Soul Exchange is that it appears to have 0 fans. There is so little content. the 2nd is that

the Japanese title is 天国と地獄 〜サイコな2人〜

and while my Japanese isn't very good, I do know we english speakers got robbed on this one boys

Omg hi Ms. Yellow Caballero big fan of your work <3 For real though, I'm really excited that your sharing the Weekenders, it was a joy to read and I'm bongocat-ing now that others also get the privilege to read it as well.

Referencing your tags, would you please elaborate of ableism in fandom and, like you said, how fandom treats characters with unpalatable disabilities?

Hi Ms. Bud Lite I'm a big fan of you <3

TL;DR A fear of writing characters of highly marginalized identities shields you from criticism and discomfort, but it's actively stigmatizing to people of these identities and as a writer you really need to get over yourself and write The Icky People.

I guess I'll come out swinging on this one and say that fandom doesn't like severe mental illness. (As a note, when I say severe mental illness (SMI) I mean illnesses such as psychotic disorders, bipolar disorder, substance use disorders, personality disorders, etc)

Obviously, nobody likes people w/SMI. It's just insanely egregious in fandom to me, since fanfic writers absolutely love writing characters or HC characters with depression, anxiety, or a specific variety of PTSD That Isn't Scary. People actively reject any character HCs for a SMI. When people write a character with SMI, they nicely downplay it, ignore it, substitute it for a disorder they like better, or rewrite it. It's completely untolerated, in both headcanons and in fanfiction, and every time I bring it up I always get the most interesting reasons why somebody couldn't possibly acknowledge a character's SMI in their writing. I've heard all of these:

"I don't know enough about the disorder to write it accurately." Do research.

"I'm not X, so I can't really depict it." You probably aren't a cis white man, but you depict those guys just fine.

"It feels insulting to the character." There is no shame in having a SMI.

"I can't understand what it's like, so it's better to be cautious and avoid giving characters stigmatized identities." There are LOTS of experiences that you'll never understand because you've never had them - you just don't want to write anything you're uncomfortable with. People with SMI make you uncomfortable, and you don't want to write anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, or think of a comfort character in an uncomfortable way. SMIs are marginalized differently than solely depression/anxiety/The Nice PTSD, and by refusing to write them you're actively contributing to the stigma.

I think (?) I've spoken in the past about how I believe that the rigorous external and internal policing of writing people of marginalized identities is actively harmful towards efforts to increase diversity of experience and background in fiction. A lot of fanfiction writers are just terrified to write people who they can't directly relate with, because they're worried 'they'll get it wrong' and be Big Cancelled. I think this is negative enough when it prevents people from going outside of their comfort zone, but on a macro level I think this results in people refusing to write characters of marginalized identities as all. It's an insidious thought process, and it's reflected in people's unwillingness to diversity their writing or acknowledge canon diversity.

'Well, I don't understand what it's like to be Black, so I don't want to write Black people'. 'I want to project on this character, so I only want to write them with mental illnesses and identities I have'. 'If I write a marginalized character incorrectly people will yell at me, so I won't write a marginalized character who's marginalized differently than me at all'. Can you imagine writing a lesbian character with a boyfriend because 'you feel uncomfortable writing lesbian experiences'? It's blatantly homophobic. But people do that with disability and race/ethnicity ALL THE TIME.

People with SMI notice that you feel uncomfortable with them. It's obvious. They notice when a character has a SMI + anxiety, and you only write their anxiety. They notice when a character displays symptoms of a SMI in canon, but you write it out. And POC notice when the characters of color are written out. I know we all like to project on the blorbos and relate to them, and in the joys of your own head do whatever, but as a writer if you only stick to identities you're comfortable with you are actively being a worse writer. Which to me is the REAL sin lmfao.

Not so friendly reminder that people who demonise antisocial personality disorder, narcissistic people, personality disorders, psychopaths, sociopaths, people with DID, people who are clinically insane/psychotic, people with schizophrenia, etc, can fuck right off and are not welcome here. No disorder makes you an inherently evil person, and the people you're demonising are human beings who deserve basic human treatment.

Not only that, friendly reminder those people are welcome here, and this is a safe space for disorders considered "scary" and "dangerous" bc y'all are fucking human beings.

Gotta love that while being in many fandoms and oftentimes want specific scenarios and such story wise apparently fucking Scriddler is that special thing that gets me willing to work on shit

thinking back. it’s fucking wild people hated c!tommy for what are blatantly obvious delusions from untreated psychosis intentionally encouraged by his abuser. like wtf did you want him to do stop being neurodivergent.

i hate that suicide jokes have become so common i think its genuinely having the same effect as the popularization of shit like delulu where people are getting so used to joking about suicide that they dont take it seriously anymore. tip for the people if you see someone online being suicidal and you dont know how to help the very least you can do is not reply with some sort of "well THAT just happened" type of comment or even worse a joke or passive encouragement ala "well i cant stop you i guess' (and if you post active encouragement go fuck yourself).

i know people are already addressing how suicide jokes are like self deprecation jokes where they just keep you stuck in a mentally unwell state but there should be more talk about how them becoming popular again is genuinely desensitizing people to suicidal ideation and even worse desensitizing people to actual suicide notes. take suicide seriously and if the person youre talking to tries to make it into a big joke either they really need help or theyre a really big asshole (and sometimes its both)

the hatred for teenage girls being sinister is an understatement.

how do people live without constantly being afraid. not in an anxiety way or having something concrete to worry about, i'm just constantly scared simply because i am alive and existing.

i know this is a consequence of all the trauma and abuse i went through but it's genuinely wild to me that people exist and go without their day feeling. normal. and not like this.

I hate liking a show enough to want to find media on it, but the "media" is so alienating and hostile that it also kinda makes me not want to watch the show.

Kpop stans look at idols that have lived together for nearly a decade being genuinely affectionate with each other and scream queerbait and then declare the most cringey ass fanservice and actual ship bait to be evidence of them being gay and supportive of lgbt rights.

I hate masking 24/7 let me outttt

hello I am wandering into your askbox with request for A Ramble :D I have been thinkin about He (Cain) because I am a longtime member of the Cain fanclub n wanted to know if you could talk about his schizophrenia a little? I remember bits and bobs from way back when but ye I just wanna hear more about it, n whether it's changed since you first created him :3 also what's his favourite colour?

Ahh Cain yeah! He’s a guy I can! For sure chatter about him. For sure. You have indeed been a long term member, and I? Think? You were? What inspired me to give him? Schizophrenia? Man that’s wild. Mm. Okay! 

Cain himself has changed a lot since I first made him (which was! Maybe? Five years ago now?), and his schizophrenia has changed alongside that. Originally, when I talked about him more, he was a computer hacker and a bundle of paranoia and fresh prison escapee. These days, he’s? Mostly? Just a guy? Aspiring penetration tester, current psychology student, darling and wonderful twin brother.

In terms of his schizophrenia, it’s… mmm. Less? There? In the main main storyline? It’s mentioned and relevant at times for sure. A snippet from when he gets possessed that brings it up, here:

(I'm writing on my phone and have been for the past few months, it's the only thing that works these days, shhh).

So like. It’s bought up. He’s aware of it and sceptical of things, including things that get in his head and starts to try to tell him to do something, buuuuuut the infection is also in his head and, as a result, also aware of it and works around it and/or with it to get what it wants. As you can see, distinguished itself as separate from other hallucinated voices very quickly, cements itself as something to be trusted and listened to and, in time, obeyed, using anything it has at its disposal. Which is primarily, control and influence over his mind. 

So like. Example. Cain is sometimes paranoid about food - where it comes from, what’s in it, and how it could harm him. It’s something he’s worked on for a while, but when possessed, he starts to go “um hey actually I should stop this very long mission across the country and eat or sleep maybe?” It’s like. Hahahahaha!!! No???? What??? No!!! Keep going!!!! And just. Flickers that old paranoia until he’s like oh yeah you’re totally right I’ll keep going nvm 

At other times, though, the infection finds his schizophrenia to be a problem! A deterrent from what it needs doing - he’s spending energy and resources and thought on these delusions or worries, he’s struggling to speak correctly, and he’s not entirely trusting it as much as he should. So it. Just. Removes the symptoms. It’s a. Balance between what is useful to it, and what is a problem to it. 

The? Infections' main goal is to get to various statues of gods across the country. Anything that detracts from that is a problem. Cain needing to eat is a problem, so it removes the need for that. Cain needing to rest is a problem, so it removes the need for that. Cain struggling to get the right words across to tell someone they need to let him pass is a problem, so it removes that. 

This acts as a red flag for Theo nd Raya, our lovely main characters, in realising something is deeply wrong with Cain after being possessed - he’s usually apathetic, very blank face a lot of the time. With this infection (it’s, uh, name is the Blight I’m just gonna say that haha), he starts to express more, which very much concerns them, because he doesn’t. He doesn’t do that???? If he’s comfortable with you he’ll just :| or >:| and be happy with that? Why is he smiling? Why is he snarling? That’s? Not? Right?????? 

I will also say that his schizophrenia is quite important to the. Backstory? Context? … Lore???? The background of Theo nd Cains's relationship. Theo, obviously, is a prophet, the last voice of the gods, seer of the past and future. All these fun things that he hates. He reports these as voices and visions he sees in his dreams and trudges through life, irked that he has to manage them. At first, Cain is. Indifferent about them. Just a thing Theo does, who cares. When he starts to hear voices, he starts to care a little more, though. Asks questions about it. Gets the details. And slowly, a delusion starts to form that - hey, your brother is a prophet. So are you. Listen to these voices, hear what the universe tells you, it’s important. 

It is made about a million times worse by the fact that, upon hearing this thought, Theo encourages it. 

He’s got this Thing that he’s been alone with for so long, to have someone - his brother, even! - Share in it? A dream come true! (Not that kind of dream). So Cain spirals a fair bit, struggles a fair bit, is finally caught for what the problem is and, to a degree, shuns his brother. Doesn’t… actively blame him, because he can recognise that he didn’t do it maliciously, but the damage was still done and he was absolutely a catalyst in it. Theo is asked to leave home. Theo leaves home. Comes back for a visit, is a day late, and - ah, Cain is mistaken for his brother, kidnapped, and possessed by the Blight in his place. And then we kick off our plot.

So like? The story is very much about the final echoes of a dead religion, the prophet sent to try and preserve it, and the inhumanity he faces as a result of what he was born as. It's very much a story of this divine infection, created for a specific purpose and then hated for fulfilling it, discarded and left to rot, and its next attempt to be noticed, to be loved. And it's very much a story about the incredible damage someone close to you can do with all good intentions, and a process of forgiveness for? Both? Brothers? Sorry I sent you away. Sorry I hurt you like that. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

That got. Long. My bad. Uh! Colour! Cain is actually fully colour-blind, so? He? Doesn't have one. During his possession, the Blight sloooooowly gives him the ability to see golds and yellows, because that's the colour it claims, so? Gold? I suppose? Is his default favourite :)?

.

I know I know intersectionality and all that and the general logic of humans means that just because someone is a part of an oppressed group that they advocate for it doesn't mean that they care about other minorities. But I'm still pissed off about it

also on the topic of that last post, poverty seriously is so fucking traumatizing lol. now that i have foodstamps i make sure some of what i buy is shelf stable food that i can stockpile if i dont eat it within the month, because i dont trust that my benefits wont be slashed or completely taken away at the whim of whoever is in charge. ill probably always be a food hoarder because of the complete fear i experienced when dealing with food scarcity. ill probably always be the type to try to spend as little as possible because the more i have in savings, the more of a cushion ill have if i lose income, the less ill have to be batshit fucking terrified if that happens. i hear people casually talk about having not worked for a while, saying "yeahhh haha i should probably get a job again" and i feel fucking insane because ive been living under the fact that if i lose my job, i either need to find a new one immediately or im dead. literally dead, i am not fucking exaggerating, because i as a very disabled person would not be able to survive unhoused, and thats what will happen if i miss any more rent payments. and like, im only talking about my own situation, but fuck dude. this shit is traumatic, that is the word for it, and governments are complicit in this trauma when they dont provide the support needed for people to live safe and happy lives. and thats its own sort of trauma too, really - realizing that the people in power, by and large, are not on your side, that they do not give a fuck about your comfort or safety or life, that they do not give a single fucking shit if you die. all of it is traumatic.

DEEP BREATH oh it is one of those days