.

support women’s wrongs or else

something so insane about Adam saying “it wasn’t about you” to Gansey at the end of TRB and then again during the fight in TDT (defensively, angrily when he’s in a spiral of self sabotage) because there’s truth to it but it’s not True. Adam is always always always defining himself in relation to Gansey and yes he resents that but that still makes it About them. The fact that Adam had a dream about being responsible for Gansey’s death and That was the trigger for his decision to wake the ley line, to prevent that future. And to be his own person outside of Gansey while also not hurting/killing Gansey, but then at the same time he brings the gun with him not knowing what he’ll sacrifice but knowing for sure it can not be Gansey. That means it could be Whelk or it could be him (and it is both in a way) and either way he is sacrificing a part of himself for Gansey. And then when Adam does sacrifice a part of his autonomy to Cabeswater Gansey feels betrayed because he sees it as Adam’s sacrifice because belonging to anything else is better than accepting what Gansey tries to offer him but it is For and About Gansey that he did this and Adam Hates that. And then (I just started rereading TRK so I don’t remember the exact details) Cabeswater being in Gansey’s service or having his spirit or however that works makes it even more insane and that definitely adds to the context of Adam’s anger at him in TDT but I’ll come back to that part later just. You love your best friend so much and you hate your best friend so much and it’s not about them but everything is about them!

to shreds you say?

9.6.23

delta's day off

the fucking nurse at the hospital day before yesterday was so frustrating to talk to

I was like "i am PRETTY FUCKIN SURE at this point that I'm autistic" and she went "well you're pretty in touch with your emotions, so I don't think that's the case"

and then when I was like "I just feel so disconnected from everyone and I feel awkward and stupid and ugly all the time, every day is a battle, I'm exhausted 99% of the time and I am sad most days" and she goes

"well you're very well-spoken and articulate, you seem very put-together"

I've had multiple therapists/psychologists/psychiatrists tell me I seem intelligent and knowledgeable and articulate, as if that somehow negates the fact that there is something fucking wrong with me like. I am here because all of my perceived intelligence isn't stopping me from wanting to hurt myself lol

if I could logic my way out of this one I fucking would dude, I wouldn't be here disassociating into oblivion. It feels like because I'm well-spoken, I'm not believed, they're not taking my pain seriously, they don't think I'm actually suicidal.

do I need to like actually hurt myself and freak the fuck out to be taken seriously?? I genuinely considered bringing a box cutter with me to the hospital so I could do it in front of them

and then she goes "is there anything else you need to tell me?" and I said "being trans fucking sucks and is contributing a lot to how I feel these days" and she hit me with the "Oh! well, you look great! I wouldn't have known if you didn't tell me :-)" as if she hadn't spent literally 45 minutes reading my entire medical history. it literally says "TRANSGENDER MALE" on my wristband.

like. I understand cis people think this is a compliment a lot of the time but all I hear is "oh well you had me fooled so good job!"

idk man I am just

I'm tired. I'm tired of seeking help from people who have no idea how to handle me. and like. it's stupid to expect anything from them, I know, because I can barely handle myself. but god damn dude

forever fifteen

TW:SUICIDE,SH,VIOLENCE,ANGER,CAPS,POSSIBLE SLURS,SWEARING,depression

IM FUCKING SICK OF EVERYTHING.IM FULL OF FUCKING PAIN AGNY AND FUCKING ANGST.I WANT TO DESTROY MY FUCKING BODY WITH DRUGS,ALCOHOL AND SCRATCHeS BECAUSE IM SO FUCKING SICK OF CONSTANTLY DRAGGING AROUND MY STUPID ASS SORROW.NOT TO MENTION THAT I MYSELF AM FUCKING STUPID IM A MORON IM A DUMBASS.IM JUST A FUCKING ASSHOLE WHO FUCKS EVERYTHING UP,IM FUCKING TERRIBLE,IM A UGLY FREAK.I YEARN FOR LOVE COMPASSION LIKE A IDIOT.IM FUCKING DISCUSTING.IM A FUCKING DANGER,IF I DIDNT UNDERSTAND COMPOSER ID MOST LIKE WOULD OF HURT PEOPLE AND I HAVE HURT MANY PEOPLE BECAUSE IM A STUDIED SHORT TEMPERED ASSHOLE.IF IM NOT BEING A FUCKING DEPRESSED BUM THEN IM FUCKING BEING MAD AT PEOPLE FOR MY OWN FUCKING PROBLEMS.I WANT TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF,SHOOT MY BRAINS OUTS AND SHIT BUT IM FUCKING SCARED OF DEATH SO I JUST DO THE BEST I CAN TO CUZ HARM WITHOUT DEATH.IM FUCKING PATHETIC.IM DISGUSTING.I FUCKING POLLUTE SOCIETY AND YET I SEEK ATTENTION AND EMPATHY LIKE I DESERVE IT.I HATE MY SELF IM ONE THE WORST OF PEOPLE TO WALK THE EARTH.IM CONSTANTLY WORRYING I'LL MESS SOMETHING UP BUT IT'S PATHETIC BECAUSE IM ONE BIG MISTAKE .IM PATHETIC AND UNLOVABLE. I RUIN EVERY FRIENDSHIP AND RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE IM SUCH A FUCKING ASSHOLE.I WANT T0 GET BETTER BUT FOR SOME REASON I GET STUCK IN A FUCKING LOOP OF BEING A FUCKING DEPRESSED ANGRY PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT. THATS ALL IM FUCKING GOOD AT.ALL I CAN FUCKING DO IS BE A SENSITIVE PATHETIC PIECE OF SHIT THAT JUST SULKS AND CRYS ALL THE FUCKING TIME EVEN THO IT DOES NOTHING.IM SHATTERED AND ALL I DO ABOUT IS COMPLETELY PATHETIC AND USELESS.I FEEL LONELY PROBABLY BECAUSE IM MOST LIKELY A BORDEN TO BE FRIENDS WITH.I SPREAD NEGATIVITY LEFT AND FUCKING RIGHT BECAUSE APPARENTLY ALL I DO IS BE FCUKING SAD ALL THE FUCKING TIME.I CRY ALL THE TIME WORSE I CRY LIKE A FUCKING CHICK.ILL NEVER LIVE TO BE THE MAN I WANT TO BE BECAUSE ONCE AGAIN IM FUCKING PATHETIC AS SHIT AND EVENN WORSE IM A FUCKING COWARD.IM SCARED OF EVERYONE AND EVERTHING IM CONSTANTLY FUCKING PARANOID LIKE A FUCKING IDOIT BECASUE I DONT TRUST THE UNIVERSE LIKE A FUCKING IDOIT.IM DONE WITH EVERTHING AND I JUST AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

moved into new room. rain is pattering on my new window. feeling super alive. & grateful.

ed tw in tags but peach app wont let me log in it keeps saying internal server error :/ wtf am i supposed to do if its done for real this time, i dont know where to find any of my mutuals on other social media

Like / reblog for a starter where our muses are ❄️snowed❄️ in together!

Where had everything come from?

Alex walked his old house, a hand trailing the marble countertops until he came to the kitchen sink, standing over it for awhile, because it wasn't just a kitchen sink to him. His room was exactly how he'd left it. Alex sighed, bags dropping on the floor as he inspected the mattress. It was a process- you see, he'd flipped it before he left, letting it rest upside down while the cover, tight cloth and zippers from the manufacturer, showed true. He wasn't sure whether it was a comfort to know his parents had simply shut the door on that aspect of his life or if it kind of pissed him off . . . They weren't here right now, so maybe it was the latter.

"Hi." Alex wasn't quite sure what Ryan was doing here, a couple text messages passing between them before the other asked where he was at and if they wanted to work on some stuff. Alex didn't really have any answers to everyone's pressing questions at the moment, but he had no reason to say no, so here Ryan was, rooming in the guest room of his old house while Alex cooked them dinner and drank way more than should ever have been needed for simple chit-chat.

The sky had turned grey outside. It'd been like that for days. Always was around this time of year.

Ryan eventually went to bed, obvious, unspoken questions passing through his expressions. Alex sat at the kitchen table, avoiding his old room as much as possible for the visit. A guitar sat, perched awkwardly beside him while he read through various Wikipedia articles, drinking from a cold cup of bitter coffee. He was supposed to be working. He'd meant to spend the last few months working but . . . nothing was coming out. Nothing he could share at least. He'd thought being back home would make it better in a way. Get him away from L.A. at least. Instead it made him feel like screaming louder than he ever had before, except for the fact that everyone was going to hate him and there were so many other things going on and he just couldn't! He couldn't say it!

He couldn't explain his single, or unreleased album, and he couldn't fucking answer the interviewers questions because it fucking terrified him! And opening himself up meant so much more than just being open . . . He couldn't deal with their consequences. Not now. Not ever. He couldn't get better.

The snow began piling against the door, rushing toward the windows with a silence that only the bitterest of winters could manage. It was beautiful. Alex hadn't bothered to turn on the lights all night. There wasn't a need with the snow illuminating everything. Alex didn't know how long he'd been staring at the window, and he didn't break his gaze for a moment as he became aware of the other padding down the stairs toward him. "Hey." His quiet voice rang through the space before the next moment swallowed it, waiting for the next words. "How are you feeling? You hungry? Should I be makin' you something?" @tenderstars

uuuuuuugghhhh no amount of "relapse doesn't erase your progress or make you a bad person" self-assurance is gonna erase the fact that i feel like shit rn. yes it's objectively true and i'm deeply glad to have internalized that bc otherwise the mental spiral would b a whole other level of horrific and endless. but also damn bitch! i wish the rest of the sour mood were gone too

this is a sensitive poem

i relapsed.