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chipped-chimera · 7 months

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Ugh ... I am low-key so worried about how the BG3 ending is gonna play out for Karlach that I'm considering stopping playing and just coming back to it when I can handle it. Some of this shit is just hitting too close to home and I'm not sure I'm cut out for it.

More personal context under the cut if you want.

I relate to Karlach's pain so much. Too much. To the point it makes me teary thinking about it. Both of our lives have been cruel.

It has been hard for me, despite a stable family upbringing that most would envy, in a lower-middle class family that for the large part has been financially stable. I'm also white. I know I'm lucky in that capacity - god I fucking know (and the thought that what I've gone through could be considered a 'lucky' position? What does that mean for others? It keeps me up at night).

But that didn't stop the pain crawling in. I wasn't diagnosed with Autism until 27. I wasn't diagnosed with co-morbid ADHD until I was 28. I wasn't medicated for ADHD until I was 30 (and that was AFTER being told by a psych who also invalidated my Autism diagnosis aka the context for fucking EVERYTHING in my life, I couldn't have ADHD because I could 'read a book').

Before that? I knew I was depressed at 13, but didn't want to burden my family so I did nothing - we may be lower middle class and stable but I knew that was only because my parents tried so fucking hard. We had camping chairs in place of furniture up until I was eight. I lived with the pain because I didn't want to burden them, and without the context of my neurodivergence I just blamed myself for the problem, not being good enough, not trying hard enough - not being ENOUGH. I held onto it until I cracked and couldn't take it anymore at 16. I was diagnosed with Depression and Generalised Anxiety Disorder. It's since been upgraded to chronic Major Depression and it's classed as treatment resistant.

Both of us have had moments of building ourselves up from nothing. Through therapy and medication I was able to feel a bit better, more positive as I left high school. Thinking maybe it was gonna be okay after all, out there in the world.

It felt like I'd slowly reached out into the light, tentatively, hopefully - there'd be something more, that I'd live out the dreams I'd had, the things I'd always wanted to do. I was still optimistic.

Instead it felt like that arm had been immediately lopped off.

The story is long and too complicated to tell without this being longer than it needs to be. But like Karlach, I feel I've lost years of my life. Like Karlach, it's been a decade - ten years. That I cannot get back, that I grieve keenly.

I have been isolated, and then betrayed by those I thought I trusted. First, by the systems that were supposed to help me when I was struggling - my own government's system as they hit me with a debt that I couldn't even pay, on a scheme which has in retrospect been found to be completely illegal, but has left me with lasting trauma and damage and no closure. Not even a sorry. Because I, with my undiagnosed Autism and ADHD and a growing fatigue issue where I was so exhausted from simply being alive I just couldn't fight it. So I let them take money out of my social security payment - which was and still is considered below the poverty line. I was punished for being poor, I was punished for arguably, being disabled.

And then, by the person I trusted most. The person I thought I loved, the person who made it felt like everything was okay - I may be struggling still but there was still a future! There was someone who cared about me, who would be beside me for the rest of my lifetime. He asked me to marry him. We were engaged for three. Years. We'd been dating for 10. I thought everything, despite all the shit happening to me, was going to be okay.

It wasn't.

I had landed some employment for the first time in 3 years. I was working more hours than advised by the psychologist who diagnosed me with Autism but I had no choice - I was literally on the minimum limit available to me, due to the barriers I still have to navigate to qualify for disability supports (again, from a government system that I no longer trusted and gave me the earnest impression that they preferred me dead than 'leeching off their system'). But I was not living. I couldn't handle even 15 hours a week, I was more exhausted than I'd ever been. I felt like a corpse. I spoke with my disability employment coordinator (no, despite what I said, being on disability EMPLOYMENT services does not qualify you getting onto disability support, just means the government will only hound me for a minimum of 15 hrs a week instead of 30 in order for social security, that's a whole other complicated thing) IN CONFIDENCE that I wasn't sure I could keep up with the current work format and hoped I could discuss some solutions. Next minute I find I'm locked out of the work facebook. I was fired, without warning and without protections because I was a casual. Because my employment coordinator told my boss before even discussing anything with me.

My relationship was suffering but I wasn't aware. I was too tired for intimacy, and probably two tired to see the signs. I'd gotten my Autism diagnosis at this point and maybe it was a bit difficult for my fiancée at the time to understand, but he came to terms with it. The ADHD assessment was booked. I had realized at this point pushing myself to be something I wasn't, thinking somehow landing work and earning money for myself would help the depression - it didn't. I was worse than I'd ever been. Then the moment came where I was handed a notice that the government would no longer give me any social security because my partner, on his meager chef's salary was earning too much. All because I'd tried to do the right thing by the government. I'd tried so hard to be good. I'd tried so hard to be ENOUGH.

I wasn't enough.

My fiancée came to me, my fiancée who I'd been talking to about our upcoming wedding plans now the pandemic was over, my fiancée who I'd been cuddling with on the couch last night watching films - he came to me when I was battered, and raw and broken and crying in bed - just said 'I can't do this anymore.' And that was it. It was done. As I processed it, I realised the root of it was, it was because I'd taken the mask off. I decided I wasn't going to try to be something I wasn't anymore, because I knew and it was backed up in countless studies - what I was doing was actively killing me. And he didn't want to deal with that. I wasn't enough, and yet I was too much.

It has been two years since then. My ADHD is medicated. I live in a stable, safe environment with my parents where I don't have to worry about my security. I have set firm boundaries that I learned while I was independent, and they respect them. But the wounds are still deep and it'll take a long time to recover, to get that trust in the world back.

When I look at Karlach, I see some of myself. Someone who has been used, abused and betrayed by those they trusted. Someone who felt abandoned by everything, that there was no hope, no way out. And yet in spite of it all - kept going. Who, deep in their heart kept something soft and safe. Held onto and protected what little shred of optimism left. Because if we don't practice kindness, who will? We want to be the kindness we want to see in the world, because fuck, have we seen so little of it. It is so easy to give up, to fall into despair when you've been through so much shit. It requires so much vigilance and energy and momentum to keep going, when you're wading through a battlefield of carnage and gore in your life, whether metaphorical or literal. We hold on and we are kind because we hope, one day, that kindness will touch us back. That despite it all we try our fucking hardest to wear a smile, and see the good in everything we can.

And I think that's why it hurts so much. Karlach is finally free. And happy. She feels loved. She's finally feeling some of that kindness again kindness that I know, that she knows she fucking deserves. And it's on a fucking time limit.

And that's what's fucking breaking me. I know she's supposed to be some kind of allegory for terminal illness. And I know this isn't my story. I know it's a story that is important to tell, and it will touch others in a different way. But for me it feels like all the wounds I've barely scabbed over are being ripped open again. Because this is not an ending she deserves at all. It makes me sit and wonder, is that all there is for people like us? Just brief windows of happiness in the pain until we die? Don't we deserve saving? Don't we deserve a happy ending? A peaceful one? Don't we deserve to wear that smile, that happiness without us having to fight for every second it with tooth and nail to keep it there? To believe in it?

I don't know the endings in detail for her. But i have seen enough in the vaguest sense to feel it won't be good, and I don't know if I'm ready for that. I have played games with sad themes, like I know Cyberpunk isn't that great either - but I think the difference is who it is happening to. It's somehow easier when it's you, as the player. But when it's someone else? When you know that pain so fucking keenly you would rip yourself apart just to let them escape that hell, it's hard to stomach.

Then there's the disability angle that bothers me so much. Currently her options, as she puts it, are burning up and dying or going back to Avernus. I understand why she's choosing death, like, fuck man I do. Why is it always death though? Why is death better. Why can't she get a replacement heart? Make it shit! It can be a shitty heart that still works, but needs tune ups, and maybe she can't fight like she used to but she gets to fucking live a happy life! Because a shitty, happy life is better than nothing at all. Because as it goes, it feels to me I'm just being told it's easier to just die than submit to the suffering again whenever a piece of media picks an end like this. It's either the cure-all or death, there's never room for something in between. There's never room for making peace with what you have lost and still reclaiming some of your life, grieving what you have lost but still finding something worth having and holding onto. And when you're in that limbo state yourself, it's a hard pill to swallow. And it's hard to let anyone else fall into it.

We both deserve life. We both deserve happiness.

Fuck.

#baldur's gate 3 #bg3 spoilers #karlach #ugh why did i have to get stupid for her #ok i know why i got stupid for her #you provide me muscled woman for once? I AM NOT TURNING DOWN A MEAL I AM STARVING FOR #just ugh some of this shit though is hitting too hard #this is long #ventpost #if anyone reads this entire thing and has finished BG3 and doesn't think I can handle it pls let me know #probably gonna drop the game like a hot potato #despite what I said about wanting to finish it badly #idk just got to the bit where she was talking to me about feeling scared and I just ... couldn't #depression tw #trauma tw #I hate that this entire spiel? yeah? This is the /short/ version of my deeplore ok #ngl the disability thing makes me wanna write to larian because I'm sick of this 'better off dead' message thrown at us all #we deserve some positive fucking rep for once #ableism tw #maybe idk #kerytalk #keryplays bg3

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bumblingbabooshka · 11 months

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‘tis i, nonbinary transfem tuvok enthusiast and recently i’ve been pondering the dynamic between her and transmasc b’elanna torres…. i love thinking of them having long conversations together about gender and cultural histories and their life paths and mental issues (real)

also tuvok’s quote of “there is nothing wrong in choosing to live” would be such an emotional statement to tell b’elanna who canonically has depression (they just like me fr). anyways these are my thoughts today take care my friend!! <3

I don't personally see Tuvok as being a positive person for B'Elanna to talk to about much of anything personal without like, some sort of change to how they interact with one another since I think he'd both intentionally and unintentionally antagonize her BUT I can absolutely see them looking at each other and feeling the gender envy even before they know what that particular sensation is. Knowing B'Elanna I bet she'd worry she has some kind of weird crush on him hehehe~ Someone starts a group for queer members of the crew to meet but it seems like more of a dating thing and they're all human and no one else is trans so B'Elanna leaves and runs into Tuvok and is like "Oh! I didn't see you in there." because it's common knowledge by this point that Tuvok's trans but Tuvok just does that 'obviously.' look and goes "...No." so B'Elanna leaves her alone but they happen to run into each other next week and the week after and it eventually becomes an unofficial thing and it's a real rollercoaster. It's a real russian roulette of what kind of a time you're gonna have - sometimes it ends in a fight and sometimes it ends in the most insightful realization you'll ever have. Such is life on Voyager... Thank you so much and I hope you have a wonderful day too~!!

#I see many people cite that episode where he taught her meditation as them getting along but I think he 1000% failed to be helpful at all #and mainly just reluctantly and impatiently taught her how to meditate while sort of insulting her - B'Elanna taking his lessons to heart #is really all on her v_v #Tuvok isn't exactly the kindest person in the world ... yet he cares about people. Complicated man v_v He'll stay up for two weeks straight #trying to rescue you and then make a crack at how he thinks Klingons are barbaric ... honestly I'd say B'Elanna should yell at him but I #think he'd just go 'ah...my point proven. v_v' BUT I DO. THINK THEY'RE SUCH AN INTERESTING POTENTIAL PAIR??#Not romantically - I mean pair of characters together bc they have SO MANY SIMILARITIES !!!! It's INSANE!!!#they truly deserved a character development 'getting closer' episode #honestly maybe this gender thing would do it...hehe maybe they'd finally have to talk it out bc they're the only other person o nthe ship #who'd understand....the power of being trans~!!#I hope this doesn't come off as negative - I liked this ask and I like Tuvok <3 #+ comforting things don't have to be in line with canon...nor is my interpretation of canon the be all end all #+ transmasc B'Elanna...embrace your short king swag <3<3 #this post is half inspired by my friend inviting me to join my school's GSA in middle school and me saying yeah absolutely!#then running away when their back was turned v_v SORRY #I really do hope this doesn't come off negative or rude - I don't want people thinking I'm gonna be rude if they share their thoughts #and headcanons with me =_= but I have trouble with tone...#Q&A #anon

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woohooincoffin · 6 months

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the whole ocd is wanting to organize and clean shit thing is so….. no it’s not

#ocd is having an intrusive thought of im going to die tomorrow and then it sticking in my head for 3 months to the point where i can’t sleep #because my brain is thinking that over and over again #it’s i gotta wear the same shoes every day and i don’t feel in control in this situation better wash my hands until my skin is peeling off #it’s im walking up the stairs and down the stairs to check the door is locked over a dozen times #it’s having to take a picture of something so i can show myself when my brain is trying to convince me that no actually that’s not a fact an #and won’t leave me alone #it’s i can’t lie or make a mistake because then im a horrible person who deserves to die or be hurt thought spiral over and over and over #it’s having really horrible intrusive thoughts that are off putting and awful and then in turn i feel off putting and awful and get focused #on it and have a death spiral about it

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chasing-chimeras · 1 year

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#simultaneously while me and my bf are watching through season 2 - almost to 3 - i'm rewatching 6 on my own #and just got to the part where the spider crawls into theo's skin and like that whole sequence just fucks me up so much #like my boy is homeless #fresh off the victory against the wildhunt but no one's kept in contact with him despite him risking his life multiple times for them #harassed by the sheriff's dept #thinks 'oh this little guy's kinda cute' and then is betrayed by a demon spider #does a quick little surgery before seeing it vanish into smoke and at that point he's got no one to turn to but he's sitting there #struggling with whether or not to call scott #(ignoring the parked on the train tracks part bc i can't handle that rn)#like imagine what's going through this man's head he must be losing his mind and feeling completely alone #and then the hunters literally open fire on him while his hands are up LIKE #he learned so many lessons and became so good and it still didn't matter #he was still alone and getting hit with the shit end of everything even while just minding his own business #i....................i'm just...........#like i'm right right?????#😪😪#theo raeken never did anything wrong (lie) and he deserved better (true)#theo raeken #🤡

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sysig · 7 months

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Some days you just have to scribble (Patreon)

#Doodles #Wander Over Yonder #Commander Peepers #Emperor Awesome #Lord Hater #And technically they're in the margins so #Wander #Sylvia #They'll get their own post! Just ran out of room lol #The last puff of steam off the WOY thoughts this time around - I got Extremely inspired as a last hurrah!#I saw something that made me mad (lol) and it fired me up!#Unfortunately I wasn't warmed up yet and my whole intention was to just Draw #I didn't just want the shapes I already knew! I didn't want to fall in line with expectation! Had to work my way up and you can see a bit :3 #Don't look too hard at the margin doodles yet hehe #But yeah I started kinda cautious and familiar - no sketch-touching and familiar lines and then quickly got sick of that #It's Doodle Time! Scribbles! Messy art! Creation!#So that quickly turned over into sketches that overlapped and shapes that were a bit more out there and fun #In the end the only one with odd shapes ended up being Peepers lol - even the first my-style was a little too samey #Looks a lot like an artist I like who also liked WOY lol - not my intention! /I/ want to make!#But that second to last of him turned out cool I think >:3c He deserves some cool sometimes!#Awesome is actually quite hard for me to stylize! I suppose partially because he's already rather stylized and I'm not much of a fish artist #Drawing him with big dark shark eyes was fun tho haha #And he's always the funnest to pose ♪#Hater was a challenge too! But I got there eventually :3c Not here but ♪ Eventually ♫#It was some good warmups all around hehe

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yeonban · 2 months

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Remembered Soma was turned into a member of the Obsidian Eight

#muse: date soma.#At this point PLEASE just kiII him. Save him from his misery #This is one of the best chs yet but it's also SUUUCH a big fuck you to Soma </3 nothing worse could've possibly happened to him #(Leading Ohtaka off to the side) Ok so hear me out. We either kiII him right now. Or we find a way to not have him go batshit insane.#The only situation I can think of rn in which I'd accept Soma living w that black heart is if he doesn't become tainted by it #simply bc in that case he'd be able to watch over and lead the Date for /centuries/ and that's exactly what he AND they deserve #but if he turns insane like Mikito and Imari did (high chance)... I'll need Ohtaka to kiII him in battle or by destroying the black kishin #I DO like that I now have the artistic freedom (lol) of giving Soma a verse where he doesn't die & instead leads the Date forever tho <3 #Granted that it'd be so lonely to see his childhood friends die one after the other; and then outlive every one of his vassals #Seiroku would really be the only constant in his life in that case 😭

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diademreigned · 10 months

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Get to know the Mun/Blogger

1. Are you named after anyone? Since I usually go by nicknames, a lot of people called me Artie for short of Artemis. Lance, however . . . was named after a specific character in a specific show. I'm trying to deal with the fact but also make it my own.

2. When was the last time you cried? At the time of making it, it would probably be the morning of, when I was going through the Shadowbringers MSQ and it showed my WoL in a precarious situation. That's my baby boy, I don't want anything to happen to him. . .

3. Do you have kids? I can't even take care of a house plant, and they're resilient! Plus I hate kids-

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot? I think it depends on when I'm saying it, probably in a petty sort of way to defend a friend or whatever - but most of how I speak is just genuine joking teasing.

5. What sports do you play/have you played? I played both soccer and track in middle school but I hadn't done anything beyond that. I really enjoy archery and badminton, but when I had those in school, that was really the only way I could do it. Besides a small Summer thing for archery a few years back. I miss it. Not soccer, or track, just archery.

6. What’s the first thing you notice about other people? How they treat me. I'm usually a super shy individual and want to make friends and be friendly to everyone. Though I've had many friendships go awry because people become too clingy or expect me to give them the same amount of attention to those I give in my inner circles. We all have inner circles, and I do not treat my friends on a labeling system, but so many are too quick to form some sort of romantic bond with me when I just want friends, or take my kindness for granted. Just be my friend, that's all I want.

7. Scary movies or happy endings? I really like both, but so long as the happy ending isn't a romance because that's not my favorite thing. I mean it can be really cute and fluffy, but there's a lot of overused tropes in romantic movies. I love scary movies, and if scary movies have a happy ending more power to them, but it can easily be the ruiner of the entire film.

8. Any special talents? I can wriggle my nose? And I can kinda sing in several different languages? If you count horrible pronunciation and messing up words as I attempt to sing along.

9. Where were you born? Oregano baby! West coast best coast.

10. What are your hobbies? Writing, gaming, singing, archery, editing - what have you <3

11. Do you have any pets? I used to, growing up on a farm. But now apparently I'm the co-parent of a one eyed cat named Link that has since put every ounce of cat hair all over my clothes. And sleeps with me when it's just me in the house. Does that count?

12. How tall are you? A teeny 5 foot 2 inches. I think - I'm a bean sprout.

13. Fave subject in school? I really liked English and occasionally art but I wasn't ever good at it. Music was really nice too, sometimes PE. Not always. Mostly English or Creative Writing. It was amazing in college <3

14. Dream job? There were a few I wanted to have. Detective, author, something like that. I graduated with a bachelor of science in Psychology and don't want to do anything with it. The subject is amazing, but I honestly am just working to work. Have money so I can live my life. Enjoy my hobbies. I'd love to write and create my stories and characters and get paid to do it, but I doubt that'll happen. Roleplaying is really the only way I can go about achieving that, since I have more muse for created stories than creating my own. I still want to take creative writing classes though.

15. Eye colour? They're dark brown! Just like my hair, but I have heard my hair looks black

tagged by: @hyaciiintho ( <3 ) tagging: if you see this, I tag YOU, but it's purely optional - I want to get to know you !

#* // ♦︎ admire my humor perhaps — › dash games.#:: queue ::#and off and on I'll be using the icons from this account that were made by Stella #to use as my ooc icons <3 #so there's credit in the pinned because she deserves it <3 #now you got to know me ! It's your turn !

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