Can't believe this year I start actively and consistently drawing again (and am making comics!) And I hear today that tumblr will probably be shutting down soon.

This is literally the only place I post things. Maybe the site would be profitable if staff didn't actively try to destroy it every update.

Hoping it's all rumors but if they are truly going down to a skeleton crew and stopping updates that's not a good sign.

To start things off, I would like to acknowledge and inform those reading this of some context. This is written in September of 2017 by the author of this study Tumblr, who lives in Australia, and as such since this website is American centric, and higher education and technical schools have different funding systems, there will be stark differences in privilege levels of being able to do what I have done. I would also like to warn that there should be a few trigger warnings  in here, child abuse mention, mental health mentions and depression in particular, so be ready.

I am currently studying a course in the realm of computer science, Certificate IV in Information, Digital media and Technology: Web Based Technologies.  I am in the first term of this two-semester course, and currently also working a retail job I was working prior to the point that I decided to continue my education. Prior to this I had completed Certificate II and Certificate III in Information, Digital Media and Technology general courses. Doing this course has revitalized my passion for my future, my love of education and drive to move forward.

Sometime in 2016, I had the return of a serious lifelong depression I’ve suffered, and in a real major way. I became the step-parent of a 16-year-old teenager I had in my relationship of over seven years, that I’d only really met on the weekends. By the step-parent, I mean that she decided to move in with us, and so we were suddenly full-time parents, not just parents on a casual basis. It was difficult, financially, and emotionally. My step-child was not really invested into her education, nor did she share interests with us. Eventually she ended up leaving at the end of the year to go back and live with her mother. Albeit, she left at the start of the holidays for a visit, and essentially only came back to gather her things.

Some of this was a lot for me. I never wanted to become a parent, and I did put in a lot, only for it to be completely disregarded. As well as the stresses that come with working retail, and the emotional strains of my work and another situation with my youngest sister, I returned to therapy, for the first time since leaving high school. In this time, I also discovered that I have Asperger’s, a higher functioning form of autism, alongside my known depression and anxiety, and in exploring that and why I lacked childhood diagnosis, issues with the physical, emotional and sexual abuse I went through returned.

After a few months of returning to life as a couple without children, but merely the memories of such, I began to regain a sense of stability, emotionally speaking. But I was still depressed with suicidal ideations that had surfaced the year prior. I’d begun arguing with my workplace about having a right to not work Sundays, mid through this argument which lasted several weeks I began to think back to the last time I remember really being happy all the time, and I thought back to my days living in the student village and attending school. I concluded, that I was being unfulfilled intellectually in my role as a retail worker, my mind had too much time to drown itself. So inevitably I had a decision to make, was I going to repeat the same thing I’d been doing for years, just hoping the work will get better, or I do something about it. I decided to return to school.

For several months, I couldn’t decide what exactly I wanted to do. I just knew I wanted to return to school, and I told those around me that is what I was going to do. Telling people around me was a way of making sure I didn’t convince myself out of it. Eventually I tossed up between the course I ended up doing, a Cert IV in Networking, and Cert II in Visual Arts. Eventually I chose Web Based Technology because it seemed like the best option for a future career path, along the lines of something I was interested in. I locked it in. I gave notice to my work that I was returning, and when I enrolled, gave as much notice as possible to change my rosters to suit.

So finally, I returned to school, and instantly I felt better.  I felt, connected, more fulfilled and burning with purpose. Two days a week the class was on, day one was warned as being mostly a research class, where we looked at copyright, privacy and ethics, and would be boring. I found it quite the opposite, incredibly interesting and engaging, and my lecturer, she was as compelling and interesting as the course she taught. Day two was filled with a more direct coding class, which I also felt incredibly compelling.  I also made friends, mostly guys, as IT courses do tend to be more male occupied, but a lady here and there I’m also quite friendly with. I could have conversations on shared interests, instead of through gritted teeth, just dreading the next racist remark, or insult of my core values. It is good to be able to connect with a group of people, and even more than that be accepted. I felt quite warm, when one day, I left a few minutes earlier for lunch and when I sat at the cafeteria, they joined me, I wasn’t just a hang on, someone they tolerated. It’s not something I ever really have felt, minus a very few exceptions.

As such me, my goals in returning to school were successful. I returned to school to satisfy something in me, that I was missing. To make myself happy, to bring passion into my work, and maybe tuck the depression I know can consume me, away. Even if it is only temporary, I feel better about the world. I feel like I’m on my way to the next part of my life, like I am finally growing and becoming a real adult. Next up, I need to focus on producing the best work I can, and get into better study habits, to stop procrastinating. Like writing essays on fandoms, and my reasons for returning to school and emotional journeys. I just need to do the work.

So for me, finding my way to school was a way I was able to break myself free of a cycle of depression. I hope that someone reads this and likes it. There’s no real big conclusion here, I’m still studying, not even finished my first term. But I’m feeling both excited and hopeful for my own future.

Kevin Cage of @spotlightsaga reviews... This Is Us (S01E16) Memphis Airdate: February 21, 2017 @nbctv Ratings: 9.354 Million :: 2.48 18-49 Demo Share Score: 9.5/10 **********SPOILERS BELOW********** AGGGH! I want to just scream, but I can't because of the tears. If one episode of 'This Is Us' has made me 'ugly cry' the hardest, so far its 'Memphis'. I might need a minute to emotionally adjust and calm down to get through this review because I promise you I'll be crying while I'm writing. The show has given me another chance to parallel some feelings and experiences (and lack of ones) with Randall and William, and I won't let it pass me by. Both men have been given such a rare opportunity, Randall was given a rare chance to connect with his biological father and was able to explore that relationship in depth and even take one last ride with the man. William was given a rare chance of redemption... Something that doesn't often present itself in our lives, not like the way it did in William's. I'd like to think it was because William has good soul and underneath all the pain, regret, addiction, and lost dreams... There was a beautiful man who loved and felt very, very deeply. Sometimes, those of us who feel those emotions in such a volcanic & visceral way, end up masking that intensity or running from it because they seem to be inexpressible. From the very start of 'This Is Us', I felt an immediate connection to Randall. The Randall-centric episodes gave me a chance to explore a possibility, or maybe live a fairy tale, and also truly put some emotions into words about my feelings towards my own abandonment by my father and explore feelings I didn't know were in there. If you've been following along with me on our Website, TVShowTime, Twitter, or Tumblr (and now our Facebook page), The Trip' S01E09 was where I really just RELEASED and not only connected with Randall feeling like an outsider in his own adopted family, trying to find his place, but also dealing with the absence of my father and the grief of losing a loved one who was my connection to that part of me. I made some statements in that piece that my mother read and was upset by, I want to make it clear that tho my mother and I do have a strained relationship at times, I love her deeply and know that sacrifices she made having me at such a young age, early in her high school years. She could've made the problem go away, she could've not given me the chance for life, but she did and by doing so risked her own future and made her own ride through life even more turbulent. And even tho we live our lives very differently, I will be forever grateful for the life she gave me. Watching her struggle through high school, then leaving me behind while she went to college, coming back for me and going from poor apartment life, struggling through our step fathers addiction and subsequent & extremely inspiring recovery, to them both rising from ashes as both being independent & successful business owners has been almost intimidating for me as their son. Yeah they've made incredible mistakes, parenting mistakes, along the way, but we are human and their fighting spirit in life is inspirational and I hope to one day even come close to achieving what they have in their lives. Like Rebecca, who did not appear in this episode my mother was extremely apprehensive (that's probably not a strong enough word) about me meeting my biological grandparents... But I think the worry truly lied in the possibility of somewhere down the line meeting my biological father. Since I've already covered the subject, I'll leave it at this, but I needed to set some things straight as I continue the parallel. Many people reached out to me after writing that piece on 'The Trip' and a few other extremely naked and raw pieces, letting me know that they had gone through something similar. Somehow it's comforting to know that throughout this universe that my brothers and sisters who reached out to me from France, Brazil, The UK, Spain, Iran, and several other countries are connected to me through a similar struggle. A struggle we also are connected with through Randall, who actor Sterling K Brown has really made come to life. He's incredible and without his vulnerable and incredibly powerful performance as well as Ron Cephas Jones who also gave us an award worthy, captivating presentation as William, this just wouldn't have popped and have given us such a deeply affecting experience. This last hurrah with William, this trip to Memphis, a trip that Beth wasn't exactly on board with (as we saw in she and Randall's heated, but equally adorable back in forth in Doctor/therapeutic consultation) was the perfect leg to end this arc on. Knowing that there wasn't much time left to live, they set out on their cathartic road trip journey, something I myself am in need of as of late... Giving William the chance to go back home to face his demons, make amends, and live like nothing was wrong one last time... And giving Randall the chance to meet extended family, to trace his roots he'd only been able to dream about since he was a boy. For most of us this will never happen, I'm in my 30's and still waiting on that phone call or email from my father, but it hasn't come, and I don't know if it ever will, so watching it happen is like vicariously living through Randall. It's surreal. As they start the trip Randall says they won't be using GPS and pulls out a bunch of maps to which William promptly throws out the window... Yup, "Just drive, son... We'll get there." Truer words have never been spoken. They really captured that freeing road trip experience, an empty road as they forged ahead, surrounded by trees on either side, bright grassy medians, and windows down, wind blowing through their souls... There's something so cleansing, so purifying about a road trip. And as they followed the winding highways and byways to Memphis, we saw William's own timeline paralleled as his walk in life was explained... The show had started with his birth and then we saw that his father was killed leaving him with a single mother... The trip started with his mother seeing him off to explore his music and art to see if he could spread his wings the way that she knew he had it in him. Let's be clear, success isn't defined by the house you have, the things you sell... It's defined by the people you touch and whether or not you leave this plane of existence with a smile on your face. Randall and William traded stories about their lives, Randall talked about Jack Pearson, the myth, not necessarily the man, and how he used to calm him down through his debilitating panic attacks. At this point in the episode I had probably welled up with tears at least twice... Ok maybe three times, or possibly four. William wanted to know more about Jack and I just love hearing the three 'children' talking about Jack. When one of close loved ones passes we start to forget the bad and remember all the amazing things they did, the little things that brought us joy, relief, or just smiles. This is how we immortalize our lost ones, we all are terribly faulted, and if you can't look back and smile at a fault then it's probably not worth remembering. It's a human condition thing, I don't know if it's right, but it's what we do. I miss the long talks with my Aunt, who was more of my sister than anything, she'd talk to me on the phone for hours as I moved across country looking for a place I could call home. She always fantasized and pushed for me to come live with her, but we both knew I belonged somewhere far away. I remember when I was very little she would play on the piano and sing... My favorite was when she would sing Bette Middler songs... But she could do everything from 'Guns N Roses' to Power Ballads. She introduced me to music and we would sit in her room for hours and she'd write down and memorize every lyric to every song... Poison, Whitesnake, REM, Tesla, Joan Jett, Tone-Loc, nothing was off limits What I wouldn't give for some of those pieces of paper. I'd probably collage them out into a piece of artwork, but they are long gone. You never think about those things then because you don't think that one day they'll unexpectedly leave you. I pretty much knew that when William suggested that they drive a half a day out of the way to pay respects to Jack, that he knew this was his last trip. His speech to Jack's official resting place, where he says 'I would've liked to have met his son's father' had me in knots. To all of you out there like Randall, like me, who missed out on their real life blood father, I hope you get your redemption story. I hope that you are able to meet your cousins and your brothers and sisters. I hope that you don't just get to meet them once and swap an email or meaningless Facebook posts every once in a blue moon. I hope that what we are seeing in 'Memphis' is a possibility and not just a fairy tale, manipulating our emotions on NBC. We all deserve closure and to all the lost fathers, lost mothers, I don't care what you've done... You all deserve redemption. But you can't just sit back and hide in fear of get stuck in your feelings, frozen in their icy hold. You have to reach out. You have to make a call. You have to tell your sons and your daughters that deserve to hear you say that you're sorry, or you did what you thought was best... Whatever it may be. You might not get your Memphis, but even if you receive a emotionally charged reaction.... Anger, Sadness. Relief, Fear (and whatever else is controlling us from the inside like in the existential Disney/Pixar masterpiece 'Inside Out'), you owe it to your children and you owe it to yourself to just say something, anything at all.