well i'm headed to bed soon so goodnight

Things from Anne with an e that I feel like writing down

Season 1 Episode 4: An Inward Treasure Born

1. The really good transition shot following the firewood as Gilbert chops wood, Ruby carries it inside, moody putting it in the fire, and Marilla closing the stove, despite none of it actually being in the same place. You almost don’t notice it because of how smoothly the transitions are shot

2. “Not going to school again today?”

3. Anne singing to herself wandering around in a daze

4. “If she doesn’t go back to school soon, you may have to send us both to the looney bin.”

5. The ladybug rhyme

6. Marilla actually asking for Rachel’s advice

7. The cuthberts remind me a lot of my grandparents tbh

8. Anne getting so distracted the oven catches fire, I’ve done that before

9. Anne screaming at Marilla about how it’s hard to do well in life when you have no friends. I’ve been there before

10. Starting to think Matthew is autistic but that could be its own post

11. “She can’t like me when no one else does.”

12. The mention of Katie Maurice, one of Anne’s imaginary friends made from her reflection. The show doesn’t really explain it as thoroughly as the book does so I was confused until I started reading the book

13. The way Anne reminds Matthew of himself when he was younger

14. Jerry fixing his clothes any going “hello ladies~” except he’s like 12-13 so it’s completely ineffective

15. “We’ve been worrying about her.” “Diana especially.”

16. Anne skipping school but still continuing to teach herself anyways

17. Griselda the pinecone

18. When they call the minister on you 😔

19. The way Marilla, self proclaimed conservative, still doesn’t agree with the idea of Anne learning only to be a wife, to not go back to school.

20. An unexpected but intriguing conversation about the integrated concepts of gender and class privileges. Jerry has opportunities Anne cannot because he is a boy but Anne has opportunities Jerry cannot because his family is poor. Anne will always be looked down on by some because she’s a girl but Jerry will also be looked down on for being from an immigrant family.

21. “I don’t see how I’m ever going to be a very good wife quite frankly.” “Probably not.” “I have such a bad temper-“ “true!” “And I’m dreadfully wicked and impatient and skinny and homely DON’T SAY ANYTHING JERRY-“

22. Anne laying down in the middle of the hayloft to lament while poor Jerry is trying to move the hay

23. Anne saying words and Jerry just standing there like 🧍🏻

24. “This is unlike you.” “I have no idea what’s like me. None at all.”

25. Poor Matthew asked if her mind was burdened and Marilla was like “is there anything I can cook or mend or fetch for you” like ma’am please calm down

26. It is very interesting to see how in pre-modern technology era, stopping a fire was way more of a community effort

27. Anne knowing how to help stop the fire because of every fire manual she read and rushing inside without a second thought

28. Jerry being like “she ran inside!!! It was Anne!!! Anne slowed down the fire!!!! :D”

29. “😏 Maybe you could be a firefighter.”

30. “After the events of this evening you should be grateful to have a bed to sleep in at all.”

31. “It doesn’t matter what the other girls think Ruby, it matters what you think.”

32. “I am NOT a Gilbert Blythe fan.”

33. “It’s a shame you’re not in school anymore. You seem awful smart about things.”

34. “As long as they bring food, I don’t care if it’s Quasimodo.”

35. “Go home, and bake cookies!” “Headline, they already did.”

36. Anne yelling at Billy 💖

37. “Gilbert is so chivalrous 🥰.” “Oh hes somethin alright.”

38. Anne bring sure that she could fistfight Billy

39. Matthew teaching Anne how to fight and fake sparring with her

40. The avonlea story club

41. I think Ruby understands what Anne is saying less than Jerry does

42. RUBY SAYING THAT SHE’LL MISS ANNE

43. That prompting Anne to return to school

44. “In my day we didn’t get to choose. I think you should make your own decision.”

ok thisss took wayyy longer than i’d expected . like it’s fucking midnight ? like guys im such a mess omfg . anywaysss * tana mongeau vc “ welcome to my trash bin daught or welcome back to my trash bin daughter ... what ? was ? that ? idfk . if you wanna plot with my overly tired ass give this post a like and i’ll love you down i promise !! also i apologize for how long this intro is going to be in advance !

new york’s very own  𝐄𝐌𝐈𝐋𝐈𝐄 " 𝐄𝐌𝐌𝐀 " 𝐁𝐄𝐑𝐑𝐘 was spotted on broadway street in 𝘓𝘖𝘜𝘉𝘖𝘜𝘛𝘐𝘕 𝘌𝘓𝘖𝘐𝘚𝘌 𝘉𝘖𝘖𝘛𝘚  . your resemblance to barbara palvin is unreal . according to tmz , you just had your 𝐓𝐖𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐘 𝐒𝐄𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐃  birthday bash . while living in nyc , you’ve been labeled as being guarded , but also dependable  . i guess being a 𝐀𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐒 explains that . 3 things that would paint a better picture of you would be  𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘢 𝘧𝘢𝘤𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦𝘶𝘱, 𝘣𝘭𝘢𝘤𝘬𝘫𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘵𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘯𝘢𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘴 𝘸𝘰𝘯 + 𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘶𝘱 𝘢𝘸𝘬𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘥 𝘴𝘪𝘭𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘴𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘧𝘢𝘤𝘦𝘴  .  &  ( female & she/her  )  +  ( faith , 21 , she/her , est . )

𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊𝐆𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃 𝐈𝐍𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍

FULL NAME : emilie sierra berry . NICKNAME : emma , em , emma bear ( by her little sister ) . BIRTH DATE : march 1st , 1998 . AGE : 22 . GENDER : female ( cis ) . PRONOUNS : she + her . ORIENTATION :  pansexual ( attractions are equal ) , panromantic ( leans more toward women ) . BIRTH PLACE : brisbane , australia ( see home here ) . the family still owns this house but don’t use it much . HOMETOWN : new york city ( upper west side ) , new york ( see home here ) . her dad + little sister still live here today . CURRENT LOCATION : new york city ( upper east side ) , new york ( see home here ) . moved in one year ago after break up . EDUCATION LEVEL : highschool diploma .   OCCUPATION : olympic swimmer ( emulated after katie ledecky ) , socialite , escort ( no one knows ) . NET WORTH : 32million ( every year up until she’s twenty five she receives a percentage of her trust fund ) . FAMILY NET WORTH : 3.1billion ( father ) , 4.8billion ( mother + step - father ) . PARENTS : adrian berry ( father , 51 , hedge fund manager ) , natasha laffont ( mother , 48 , former super model + philanthropist ) , thomas laffont ( step - father , 50 ,  businessman + art collector ) . SIBLINGS : tatiana berry ( sister , 10 , student + ballet dancer ) , bradley laffont ( step-brother , 24 , new york rangers player ) . PETS : jagger ( ragdoll cat , picture ) , maggie ( pomeranian - husky , picture ) . NATIONALITY : australian - american . ETHNICITY : hungarian . CLOTHING STYLE : expensive yet casual ; alot of black , hoodies , leather is a staple , high end sneakers , boots , colorful suits . JEWELRY : gold ; dangly earring , cartier bracelet , tiffany rings , barbell nipple piercings. DIET : pescitarian , no dairy ( lactose intolerant ) . WORK OUT HABITS : six times a week ( mostly boxing + swimming  ) . PERSONALITY : guarded ; there is nothing emma hates more than talking about her feelings or letting anyone know who she’s feeling , she has trouble trusting people for good reason ( the girls trust issues have trust issues yall ) + dependable ; if you need anything in the world go to emma she will move mountains to get shit down for you , she’s very punctual , and super disciplined probably due to being an olympian + goofy ; she doesn’t take much too seriously tbh , ( similar to joey + phoebe from friends ) she can be a bit of a space cadet and that always ends in her making everyone laugh + stubborn ; one thing is for sure about emma she’s extremely hard headed , loves getting her way , and is incredibly unforgiving . 

𝐁𝐈𝐎𝐆𝐑𝐀𝐏𝐇𝐘 ( in bullets )

her parents met during college , where they both attended princeton university . natasha , her mom , was in the middle of her modeling career completely blowing up while adrian was already setting the foundation of his investment company . they had a whirlwind romance and were married just a year after adrian graduated from princeton . both coming from old money , emma’s grandparents on both sides are extremely meticulous about the image of their family + so the same mentality was instilled in adrian + natasha .

 emma spent the first nine years of her life in brisbane , australia . her parents had moved out to australia just a couple years before she was born for the sake of making her father’s company an international success . 

with her parents always off doing something , emma was raised by her nanny + butler . when she was six she expressed her desire to get into swimming after watching michael phelps in the 2004 summer olympics . she was in absolute awe by him + wanted to be just like him . so the next day her nanny spoke to her parents and later that day she was enrolled into a local swimming program .

when she was nine her parents broke the news to her that they were moving to new york . at first she wasn’t all too mad about the move , she didn’t have many friends in school , wasn’t a big fan of her teachers , and knew the one thing she loved she could still do in new york . her outlook on the move changed when she found out that her nanny + butler would not be making the move across the equator with them though . how dare her parents steal the only people who’d ever taken care of her away from her ? she thought . she threw an absolute fit in protest ; completely wrecking the home + locking herself away in the bathroom in her room for nearly 20 hours before her nanny talked her into coming out . 

once in new york , emma was miserable . she had tantrums everyday and even stopped swimming for a few months . what inevitably pulled her out of her funk was a trip disneyland paris + her mom bringing her out to buy a whole new wardrobe . yall ever heard of a spoiled brat ?

once she was open to the idea of new york she kind of fell in love with the city , to be honest . she grew close to her new nanny + butler , of course and fell in love with her new swimming coach .

when she was fourteen her parents got a divorce and just six months later her mom was married to a billionaire living in connecticut with a son just two years older than emma . anyone with a brain could put together that her mom had been cheating on her dad , that was except for her dad who’d fallen into denial that his ex - wife would come back . 

[ trigger warning : alcoholism , child abuse , violence ] after months of listening to her father , emma broke , the two got in a huge screaming match about how her mom wasn’t coming back saying things like “this is so pathetic, stop graveling over a women who doesn’t want you” + “she doesn’t want you” + “just move on, she’s never coming back, she’s fucking an art collector in connecticut”. mind you she’s fourteen talking to her dad like this , yikes . he started spiraling after that , drinking heavily , doing coke more than just at events , and when emma copped an attitude he’d hit her . it started with just a rough slap , pushing her into the pool or down the stairs , and then it turned into punching her . it got so bad her coach started noticing during swim practices and inevitably threatened her dad , either he let her move in with him or he’d call the police . so , not wanting a tarnished reputation , her dad sent her off to live with her swim coach .

[ trigger warning : grooming ] life with her swim coach was cool , she got to swim alot more plus he was extremely high profile due to sending swimmers to the olympics as well acting in a few movies so she got to go to alot of events with him all across the world . she enjoyed her time with him more than she’d enjoyed the entirety of her life and then he got her to the 2012 olympics in london + her trust and appreciation for him sky rocketed . in her eyes no one int he world could or did love her more .

coming back from the olympics , her had fully sobered up and was ready to bring emma back home .  her and her coach weren’t completely gun ho for the move but she inevitably moved back home with her father .

[ trigger warning : statutory rape ] just a month after being back home , her coach started being a little too touchy with her . she felt uncomfortable by his advances but figured her was only taking care of her . then he kissed her and she was pretty creeped out so she asked what he was doing , basically the creep told her he was just missing her alot because she wasn’t living with him and reminded her about how he was really the only person who cared about her . she accepted what he said and soon after they started sleeping together regularly . he didn’t even have to tell her not to tell anyone , she innately knew if she ever told anyone he wouldn’t be her coach anymore and emma just wasn’t willing to lose the best coach she’d ever had . this continued for a little over a year until she went to the doctors and her mom went with her , her mom stayed in the room because the check up wasn’t all that invasive + then when her doctor asked her if she was sexually active her mom answered no but emma , not wanting to lie , stayed silent . she inevitably confessed at the appointment that she was sexually active . her mom freaked out and wanted to know who but of course emma didn’t spill that . she inevitably lied and said some guy she went to school with . within a week her mom found out she lied and refused to let emma go anywhere until she confessed who she was sleeping with . knowing her mom wouldn’t let up she told her it was her coach + that it wasn’t a big deal . but emma knew it was . her mom gave her coach an ultimatum he either quit coaching for good or she’d turn him in . she he quit and emma never heard from him again . 

she stopped talking to her more directly after that + stopped going back to connecticut for the weekends like she had been since her parents divorce . she was now sixteen without a swimming coach + completely mad at the world .  she’d had a rough few years , to say the least . she turned to partying , HEAVY , to cope with it all . she slept with anyone who so much as gave her a second look she didn’t care if they were older than her , had a girlfriend / boyfriend , if you were into her you could have her . it took her almost five months before she committed to a swim coach + they really whipped her back into shape . no more partying , emma went from school to practice and then home . it was awfully boring for the new party girl but she had one of the best coaches in the world + they promised to stop coaching her had she not listened to their every word . the only thing she cared more about then letting loose was going to another olympics . 

she attended a private school in manhattan where she completely smashed each and everyone of the school, districts , and state records in swimming . she was never big into her academics but she upheld a b average for the sake of being able to stay on the schools swimming team . if she received anything less than a b she would guilt her dad into giving her school a donation so they’d give her the grade she felt she deserved . 

she graduated from highschool in 2016 and although she was accepted into multiple schools across the nation , with athletic full ride offers from each school  , but she inevitably declined each school because she did want to spend another second behind a desk . knowing her dad would never approve of her not going to college , with his ivy league education ass , she lied to him and said she was attending nyu . 

she went to the 2016 olympics in rio and completely dominated ( 4 gold medals , 1 silver + breaking five world/olympic/american records in the meets ) . 

just months in 2017 her dad started to pick up on her lie about attending college . telling her she needed to enroll immediately or he’d cut her off . calling his bluff she didn’t enroll . she quickly learned that he wasn’t bluffing when he completely cut her off , telling her she had a month to find a place to live and move out .  

thanks to her olympics money + her endorsements with tyr sports + adidas she had enough money to get an apartment but her saving would deplete quick so she knew she needed to do something to make alot of money + quick .

desperate and running out of time emma joined seeking arrangements under an alias as sierra meyers . there were a few success and plenty of total blunders on the site but she got lucky with the first women she met with who offered to get her into escorting . emma didn’t even give it a second thought before she said yes , the only thing she asked is that the clientele not want her to attend highly publicized events with her as she's quickly get caught due to her socialite status   . 

within a year she’d made half of what her entire lifes work had made her , she grew obsessed with escorting and what made it crazy was there were people who would pay her half a million just to have dinner and talk with her . of course , those were the unicorns though because most wanted to sleep with her at the end of the night . 

when she turned twenty one her dad gave in and gave her back her blackcard + even offered to move her back into the house , she took the credit card but decided to continue living outside of his walls . 

she could’ve quit escorting right then and there , but she’d grown an addiction if you will to her work . there was something about the secrecy of it + her ability to make millions so easily that kept her going .

𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒

former roommate ; these two moved in together after her dad kicked her out + even though she moved in with someone else months after they signed the lease she payed them for her half of the rent for the rest of the lease , ex ; they dated when she was cut off by her dad + they inevitably moved into together they could of had a rocky or really good relationship by broke up around this time last year , the guy she “ lost “ her virginity to ; he didn’t actually take her virginity , in truth these two could very well have never even slept together but he’s the guy she lied to her about sleeping with to cover up sleeping with her coach he found out about her lie when emma’s mom asked his parents if he was sleeping with emma we can decide where things went from there between these two , suspicious friend ; they’re starting to pick up on her random disappearing + secrecy , maybe they start following her at some point and inevitably confront her about escorting or maybe they think she’s doing something else and accuse her of that ? , first girlfriend , more exes , people she’s slept with , someone who she slept with + they had a significant other , fellow olympians , travel buddy , podcast co-host ; these two came up with an idea recently to start a podcast , they haven't released it just yet but it’d be similar to call her daddy / impulsive !

Get to know me Tag

Wow this took longer then I thought it would! But thank you so much for tagging me @cruelhumanbean & @cloud-9-sims!  I’m gonna tag @deathbyhysteria, @rethasim, @shellisims and @king-mikeyy! I loved updating my simself. It has been a while but I still think she is way to pretty. I just can’t make real people. Then there are 125 questions answered in the cut down below! So it’s a long list!

1. what is your name? Daisy (Officially Dasy. My dad forgot the i -_-’)

2. what is your nickname? Dezem, Dees, Dee, Esseborre... anymore...

3. birthday? April 24 1990

4. what is your favorite book series? Harry potter... Or does Manga count? Then Skip Beat!

5. do you believe in aliens or ghosts? Aliens Yes! Ghost not really. 

6. who is your favorite author? UHM... I don’t like reading books. I’m dyslectic so the only reading I do is Manga and webcomics. For that I really like Yoshiki Nakamura. (from skip beat)

7. what is your favorite radio station? Veronica!

8. what is your favorite flavor of anything? Anything spicy!

9. what word would you use often to describe something great or wonderful? In English - Awesome and in Dutch - Super... I know it’s also a english word but it’s used a bit different 

10. what is your current favorite song The sound of Silence - Disturbed

11. what is your favorite word? Inevitable. It has a nice tongue feel... Idk... Oh and In Dutch - Schatig. It means cute but it sounds really harsh for people that don’t speak Dutch.

12. what was the last song you listened to? Freak on a leash - Korn

13. what tv show would you recommend for everybody to watch? Battle star Galactica!!  Walking Dead Lucifer                          Supernatural Game of thrones          New Girl Dexter                          Friends More?

14. what is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down? Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny it always cheers me up!

15. do you play video games? Uhmm... YES! 

16. what is your biggest fear? Being alone

17. what is your best quality, in your opinion? I know what I want and do whatever I can to get it. 

18. what is your worst quality, in your opinion? Being afraid of change. Being a control freak. Being a perfectionist

9. do you like cats or dogs better? CATS! I’m kinda afraid of dogs... pictures are cute tho:P

20. what is your favorite season? Spring I guess. Not to warm and hopefully dry. Everything get green:)

21. are you in a relationship? Yes uhm... 7 years now. And a kid of 4 (almost).

22. what is something you miss from your childhood? Believing in the good and magical things.

23. who is your best friend? Nouk! (Not her real name her nickname tho)

24. what is your eye color? Brown

25. what is your hair color? Naturally Brown... But I change it a lot!

26. who is someone you love? Hubby, Son, Mom, Dad, Stepdad, Stepmom, Siblings, Grandpa’s, Grandma’s, Nouk, And a lot more!

27. who is someone you trust? Hubby, Mom, Stepdad, Nouk.

28. who is someone you think about often? Rn? Uhm My little brother and grandpa. They are not doing so well.

29. are you currently excited about/for something? Yes! My son is about to turn 4 so after the winter/Christmas vacation he will be going to elementary school!

30. what is your biggest obsession? Tbh... Sims... haha I just think about what when how all the time:P

31. what was your favorite tv show as a child? Telekids!! It was a dutch kids gameshow between two school and in between cartoons! On Saturday morning!

32. who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to, if anyone? Well my hubby!

33. are you superstitious? Not really. I do know a lot so I pretend to be sometimes when it is convenient.  

34. do you have any unusual phobias? No!

35. do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? Oh actually I like both! I like seeing pictures of the past because it brings back memories. But I do like taking pictures as well. And to be fair. I’m not good at both hahaha

36. what is your favorite hobby? Gaming!

37. what was the last book you read? The Hobbit

38. what was the last movie you watched? The new Incredibles! Is was... SUPER! 

39. what musical instruments do you play, if any? I play guitar, bass and drums. Bass best tho! I got a piano now so I’m trying to learn that if and when I have some time.

40. what is your favorite animal? Cats! 

41. what are your top 5 favorite tumblr blogs that you follow? Oh god... I always feel horrible doing this. Because it changes all the time and well I like many more as 5. But okay let just do it! @cosmic-espie @pink-chevalier @brisberries @wildlyminiaturesandwich @plumpug. Okay yeah... There are many more! 

42. what superpower do you wish you had? Reading someones mind. Easier to know if someone lied.

43. when and where do you feel most at peace? At home.

44. what makes you smile? Weird stuff my son says or does.

45. what sports do you play, if any? I used to dance! Ballet, Jazz, Modern and Hip-hop... But can’t anymore.. Classical ballet is hell for your knees!

46. what is your favorite drink? A coke! (My addiction) 

47. when was the last time you wrote a hand-written letter or note to somebody? I can’t remember!

48. are you afraid of heights? Used to be. Then I went bungee jumping with a height of 169 meters (555 ft) and now I’m not afraid anymore!! (this is the bungee jump video is not me picture is tho!)

49. what is your biggest pet peeve? When I’m at work and people start with a question instead of saying hello first or don’t look at me at all when checking their tickets!

50. have you ever been to a concert? Yeah! Greenday, Paramore, Billy talent, My chemical romance, Iron Maiden, Doe Maar and Infinite(in paris!) 

51. are you vegan/vegetarian? That’s a def no... 

52. when you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? A teacher!

53. what fictional world would you like to live in? The Dragon ball Universe! 

54. what is something you worry about? The health of my grandpa and little brother. 

55. are you scared of the dark? No, I prefer the dark... 

56. do you like to sing? Yes! I was never allowed to sing in the band tho.. I was allowed to scream tho!

57. have you ever skipped school? Yeah.... Sssssst don’t tell my mom. She still doesn’t know. ;)

58. what is your favorite place on the planet? Home <3

59. where would you like to live? Where I live now. 

60. do you have any pets? Yes!

61. are you more of an early bird or a night owl? Night Owl!

62. do you like sunrises or sunsets better? Sunsets! If I ever see a sunrises someone will be dying... (the one that woke me up that early!)

63. do you know how to drive? Yeaaaasssss! I LOVE DRIVING! and yes also with a gearbox!!

64. do you prefer earbuds or headphones? In-ear earbuds!

65. have you ever had braces? No!

66. what is your favorite genre of music? Rock!

67. who is your hero? My mom!

68. do you read comic books? Web comics (rn the gamer and dice) and manga!

69. what makes you the most angry? People who did something wrong and then blame you.

70. do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book? Electronic. Real books are to heavy to take a lot of with you.

71. what was your favorite subject in school? Math and science!

72. do you have any siblings? Yes! Sister at my Moms and a Brother and Sister at my Dads!

73. what was the last thing you bought? Food:p But uhm as of last fun thing was the cam for the facecam on streams!

74. how tall are you? 171 cm (5′7 is that right?)

75. can you cook? Somewhat... I like cooking but I usually work during dinner time so don’t do it to often.

76. what are three things that you love? My family (incl my own and my parents, siblings and grandparents) Playing games (incl sims, final fantasy, dragon quest and stardew) My roomba! (I hate vacuuming) 

77. what are three things that you hate? Liars  Cleaning Waking up early

78. do you have more female friends or more male friends? I think male...

79. what is your sexual orientation? I’m straight.

80. where do you currently live? The Netherlands (HOLLAND HOLLAND HOLLAND) ;)

81. who was the last person you texted? My hubby!

82. when was the last time you cried? Today.... hahaha I hurt my back still went to work. Got worse and at the end of my shift I could barely walk. I felt like a wuss and that made me cry. 

83. who is your favorite youtuber? MATPAT (game theorists) Jen (xurbansimsx) Mage Masher and Jacksepticeye

84. do you like to take selfies? Sometimes...

85. what is your favorite app? Webtoons

86. what is your relationship with your parent(s) like? Very good

87. what is your favorite foreign accent? German

88. what is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit? Seoul and Kyoto 

89. what is your favorite number? 4

90. can you juggle? No

91. are you religious? No (Maybe the flying spaghetti monster tho)

92. do you find outer space of the deep ocean to be more interesting? OUTER SPACE! I love space! I’m a bit scared of the ocean tho

93. do you consider yourself to be a daredevil? No BUT if needed I will be. 

94. are you allergic to anything? No

95. can you curl your tongue? Yes :P

96. can you wiggle your ears? Yes that too! (Just checked btw)

97. how often do you admit that you were wrong about something? Not that often... If proven wrong I would tho.

98. do you prefer the forest or the beach? Forest

99. what is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you? It will always be darkest just before it will get lighter again. (no matter how awful things seem it will get better)

100. are you a good liar? A very good liar... 

101. what is your hogwarts house? Gryffindor

102. do you talk to yourself? All the time!

103. are you an introvert or an extrovert? Both... I guess.. But more Extrovert.

104. do you keep a journal/diary? Nooooo I can’t! And if I do it’s for 2 weeks and then I forget!

105. do you believe in second chances? Yes but not in third.

106. if you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do? Give it to the police.. I can’t keep it because I would feel bad...

107. do you believe that people are capable of change? Change... Not really. However I do believe in the adaptability of people. 

108. are you ticklish? Yes... unfortunately... 

109. have you ever been on a plane? Yes to Spain, Hungary, Italy and Malta

110. do you have any piercings? Yes I had more. Did you know if you get pregnant your body can just resist them? I lost 5 piercings because of that but gained a lovely little boy so everything is good. <3

111. what fictional character do you wish was real? Oeee this is hard... there are so many. But uh let me just say Gohan. I just love him. Strong, kind and smart. (Also my first crush when I was young hahaha)

112. do you have any tattoos? Yes 3! And I want so many MORE!

113. what is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far? Changing jobs! 

114. do you believe in karma? No... I don’t believe in anything I can’t see or can’t be proven my science. 

115. do you wear glasses or contacts? Glasses

116. do you want children? I got a kid already hahaha but Yes I would like a second child at some point.

117. who is the smartest person you know? I think it would be my sister @galaxymiep! She can do stuff I could never do. <3

118. what is your most embarrassing memory? Oh Idk... I’m not embarrassed easily. But I think I would be when my workpants had a hole in it and I didn’t notice until someone told me... 

119. have you ever pulled an all-nighter? So many times.

120. what colour are most of you clothes? Black

121. do you like adventures? Not really. I had my adventures days. I’m boring now hahaha

122. have you ever been on tv? UHmm... Yes... Local tv station about concrete blocks. Why?

123. how old are you? Old... hahaha I’m 28

124. what is your favorite movie quote? From the movie Moulin Rouge: “The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.”

125. sweet or savory? Depends on my mood. But mostly Savory!

MADCH MADCH <3

hello fam - I've had a weird day, I'm super happy I can take the time out to reply to you. always thinking of you though, I hope you're always having a great day. today's been a bit of a non day - a family member has to deal with operations and that's on top of me too so i've just felt a bit winded in life?

YES to you finally conquering that damn cold! do you feel properly replenished now? omg i hate sore throats too - okay i hope this doesn't give you nightmares but when i was a kid i saw a documentary about this terrible disease that manifests at its worst a bit like alzhemiers but it can hit anyone of any age and for the majority of people who get it... one of the first symptoms is a sore throat and i have literally lived in terror of sore throats ever since. but luckily it's a very rare disease. so basically, yes, i understand you.

OMG you know when you're like eight and you don't want to sleep and you're like no i will adult and stay up and it will be glorious - i'm like, CHILD YOU FOOL you could have gone to sleep XD and ugh no responsibilities?! i remember working most of the time when i was a kid and i kind of wish i had wreaked havoc? what was your childhood like? did you get to do lots of fun stuff? i know my mum wishes she had been able to spend more time with me when i was a kid and i'd like to have a family and i'd love her to be able to relax and just spend time with her grandkids? OMG well when you come to europe let me know and then i can show you around and give you a hug in person!

so we're mainly cofe here though cahtolic culture is still big and honestly i'm with you. like religion can be a great influence on you if it's not used in nefarious ways and can help you learn so much - like even if there are things you don't end up agreeing with at least you learn about then so you can make a choice for yourself as opposed to not really knowing anything? agree - people that are really boastful totally put me off, i just can't deal with it at all. but you're right, like it makes us so so hard to forgive ourselves for anything right? like, even if we've done nothing wrong and we shouldn't have to punish ourselves? like i swear i'm apologising for everything haha XD once someone pushed me off the tube and i ended up apologising like ON REFLEX? hasjdkahds XD but i really hope you have people around you that keep bigging you up too! if not i will keep bigging you up :D :D so you know that you are worth it.

i'm sorry you're not looking forward to your final year of uni! think you're almost there though - like this is the final stretch and you'll have like conquered everest you know?! and even if your landing at the end of it isn't as perfect the fact you landed at all means so much and that means you can stand up again and keep going! day at a time and moment at a time you know? i kind of had this moment today (hence my wierd day) when i was worry about everything and i literally sat there like - have i made the right choice and done the right thing and surely i've made the wrong choices in my life and do i actually have any talent cause if not people would actually like my stuff and i had to just be like... a moment at a time sometimes you know? like, just bit by bit and don't sweat the stuff you don't have to? idk i find it hard to do but i hope that helps you - like you'll surmount every little thing bit by bit and before you know it you'll have made it! you were born ready you were <3 <3

TINY SQUAD IS GO! the pant dilemma is truly a massive issue, like IDK how to deal OMG OK SO LAMPSHADING is like when you do big baggy like tops and then like leggings or tights or something skinny on the bottom so... you look like a lampshade? like i guess it makes you look cute and then also it's such an easy way to dress without worrying if you look like a kid that's wearing your mum's clothes?? ahsdjakdhsa XD

AHHHH YES BASIL ME TOO!! what scent did you end up buying? i'm sure it was lush - are your parents near you or is it like a massive special occassion to get to see them? YES agree with your take on musk though! like it feels like idk, something a 50 year old with a cigar in a stuffy country club would wear? like, there's no energy to it but not in a chill mellow way either??! like even if i was going to a dinner thing I would still rather not wear something musky? like i'd still rather it be something a bit sweeter? also like some musk perfumes can be SO STRONG? like i'm like - my nose is choking on this perfume XD

YES BLUE MOON SQUAD AAAAA it is literally one of their finest ever, it's always stayed on my top faves list by them. like ugh yes to the lofi stuff sometimes i just wanna VIBE and be in my feels but not so much i'm too angsty but enough that I'm FEELING feels ya know? what did you think of kiss or death? it really wasn't that kind of vibe but yh i hope they do more lofi jazzy stuff - also cause like not a lot of korean groups play with that sound a lot?

hello mädch's mom as always! nerer apologise for being late, always just happy to hear from you and i hope you are super super well and looking after yourself first and foremost! more than anything <3 (also i take ages to reply too ya know and omg this is so so long ahsdjakhdaskjdh)

love you lots and lots and lots xxxxxxxxxxxx

ANGEL ANGEL !!!!!!!! <3 i know i'm really late to this LKDFJS i've had such a busy week getting some overtime in and then visiting my grandparents' house so i didn't really have a lot of energy to reply to all of this BUT IM HERE AND i can finally give u a good response <3

firstly is your family member okay??? i hope so ;____; how was the rest of your week, and how was your weekend angel? i hope u were able to enjoy your weekend and that everything is okay in the family <3

but YEAH my mom and i are over the stupid cold ;_____; i hate colds,,,, they last way too long lol like i say i know the flu is a little more serious than a cold but i would rather have it for a day or 2 than being stuck feeling lousy for a whole week :( ALSO SLDKFSJDFKLJ OH GOD SEE we are both hypochondriacs ( that's not the best trait to have as a nursing major lol ) but tbh i'm really curious about this rare disease ????? :o sounds really scary tho goodness gracious i wonder what it could be ;____;

also god i was always awful at staying up late as a kid LOL but i know what u mean !!!!!! honestly there was only one time i can recall i had a sleepover with my friend in like the 3rd grade and we tried pulling an all nighter so i think we made it to like 5am but i had to go to bed omg i felt like such garbage LKDSFJ </3 it's just funny bc like as u get older u realize that staying up late is really nothing special and if anything u feel like a train hit you the next morning and adults are so sleep deprived as it is we just *try* to prioritize sleep SLDKFJSDKLJF :') you worked a lot as a child bub?? what kind of things did you do? i didn't start working until i was 15 bc most places here don't allow u to work until this age (unless you're in a family business i guess lol) but all the jobs i had in high school i hated so much ;_____; but my childhood? i would say it was relatively normal LOL like we say all the time i've had a single mom so life was really stressful for her but i always felt loved <3 i always had my mom <3 and we took trips to the beach with my family every year, it was our little tradition !! i went to san diego to visit disney, you know little trips here and there !! and then when i got into my sport and i started getting older my mom and i spent a lot of time and money investing into my sport so most of my weekends consisted of a lot of tournaments and driving far away for me to compete :') i do remember when i was really young like in kindergarten my mom's work was really far away from my school and we had a recital ; i was the "host" where i would introduce all of the songs and stuff and my mom didn't get off of work until like 6 and by the time she made to my recital, it was over :( she told me she cried a lot that night :( i don't remember her doing this (i don't even remember the recital all that much lol) but now that i'm older and i understand more about adulting, i'm sure she was so devastated thinking about it now :( anyways about visiting europe LOL I WILL DEF GIVE U A CALL AND LET U KNOW SO U CAN SHOW ME ALL OF THE COOL PLACES <333333

and about the religion ....... yes ;____; i think it's a great thing if a family decide that they want to do this when they're families; i hope to continue to practice it (even tho we aren't regularly going to church at all hhhh gotta work on that) but there is something about catholic guilt specifically that just makes it soooo hard to like, be easy on yourself? but ,,,,,, i guess it keeps me grounded :( in a self depreciating way ??? LDSKFJ I KNOW U UNDERSTAND ... it's weird for me to put into words ;____; and YEAH :( i think i'm getting a little better at this but i used to apologize all the time for things i never needed to be sorry for hhhh (still do) :')

and yes babe honestly i'm really terrified to start uni :( i think i have this weird anxiety issue i've had it ever since last year but i don't know why i'm so scared and anxious about things that haven't even happened yet ;____; are u like this too? is it normal? i wish i knew :( i guess i won't really feel better until i have made it to graduation, but i just want to do well this year. whatever i do, whether it's exams, or clinical rotation or my preceptorship, i just want to do well ;____; i don't want to do poorly, i want to make my mom proud and i want to work at a place i'll be excited to work at, and most of all i just want everything to work out ,,,, i wish someone could just sit me down and say listen i know what you're going thru is hard but you CAN get thru this and EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS bc no one in my family is in the health sciences (besides my cousin who is studying to be a doctor but she doesn't give a shit about what i do lol) so ;_____; yeah ,,,,,,,,,,, lots of anxiety and apprehension of the unknown :(

LSDKFJSD FOKAY NOW I KNOW WHAT LAMPSHADING IS LMAOOOOOOOOOOO yes i wear those clothes on lazy days LOL the thing is i'm really picky about the length of my oversized crewneck sweaters hhhh the can't be too long bc if it goes below my butt i look like i'm wearing rags LOL so i have to be careful :') but most days i do like, reverse lamp shading lDLKFJSDLKFJ i like wearing flowy pants with a more tight top or like baggy jeans with a tighter shirt or a blouse i can tuck into my jeans LOL but omg its so funny i didn't know what that was :') thank u for the explanation my love <3

OKAY BUT HALF THE REASON I DIDN'T RESPOND IS THAT i was saving this weekend to go to the jo malone store in my mall and !!! I GOT A NEW SCENT AND I'M IN LOVE WITH IT SO MUCH BABE ;____; you have to go smell it if you go there soon and tell me what u think !!!!!! it's called wild bluebell (here is the scent description lol) but the guy behind the counter helping me was soooo amazing and helpful like they really do treat u the best at the store and AH i’m so happy with my purchase <3 my wallet isn’t so much LDSKFJ but nonetheless i know i’ll have it for a long time :)

KISS OR DEATH !!!!! i actually really enjoyed it lol i have seen some ppl not really like the rapping so much but i loved it ;____; i’m super biased obviously LOL but gosh i thought they were all great and minhyuk + hyungwon killed the song for me <333 wouldn’t expect anything less from our monstas !!!!! and my mom is sending her love lol i tell her the work u do and she’s always wondering how ur doing :(((( same for my moots she always asks me about 2 in particular LOL she’s always asking me <3 i love u so much bubbie !!!! iM SO SORRY FOR BEING LATE MY LOVE again i always just want to give u a quality response <3 i love u the absolute most and i hope u had a great weekend !!!!!!! this is my last week at work before i have a week long break before i head for uni so :’) can’t believe i’ve done all this LOL :’) i will be happy to hear from u whenever u come back hun !!!!! TAKE CARE LOVE U <3 

26.

Have you ever been in weather below 0 Fahrenheit (-17 Celsius)? ...yes. Literally every year. There’s usually a week or two in January when it gets down to -50 to -75 F. 

Have you ever been caught outdoors away from shelter during a thunderstorm? Maybe when I was a teenager? I’ve definitely been caught in the rain, not sure about a thunderstorm tho.

What’s your favorite macaron flavor? I’ve actually never had a macaron! But I don’t like meringue so I don’t think I’d enjoy them.

How often do you have friends over to your house? Literally never.

Have you ever had a boss who acted unprofessionally? YES. The assistant manager at the last job I had was insane. She tried to tell me that I wasn’t allowed to leave town on the weekends in case they needed me. LOL girl bye.

How many times have you stayed at a hotel in the past year, and where? 0, covid.

Have you ever done a flip on a trampoline? Noooo.

What about a flip off of a diving board? I’ve never even been on a diving board.

Are you embarrassed by your school yearbook photos?  I believe in the 10th or 11th grade I hated them but I was on the yearbook committee so I finessed some new ones to put in hehehe.

Who taught you to tie your shoelaces? I believe I learned at school.

Currently how many pictures are on your cellphone? 9,008.

Do you think dimples are cute? Oh hell yeah.

Would you rather chew fruity or minty gum? Minty.

The last time you went to the mall, who did you go with? Beebs!

What’s something you used to collect when you were younger? Rocks and lip balm.

Have you watched a movie today? Yes! We went to see Dracula.

Aside from your own, whose house did you last set foot into? We went to an indoor garage sale a couple weeks ago.

Do you love soft pretzels? They’re alright. They smell better than they taste in my opinion.

Who was the last person who cried around you? Why did they start crying? Was it unexpected? Does my dog count? Bc she’s just a drama queen and I wouldn’t expect anything less from her.

Are you more likely to like someone before you really know them, or do you feel you like them more after you know a lot about them? True love is when you like them a ton before you actually really know them and then like them even more after.

Do you buy people cards on special occasions, or do you prefer to make your own? I honestly think cards are a huge waste of money so if I do give one, I made it. But I have a Circuit and I’m pretty creatively inclined so it’s pretty easy.

When was the last time you were being hypocritical? It sounds pompous but I honestly think I'm too self aware to by hypocritical.

Where on your body was the last cramp you had? Why did you have this cramp? My hip, because I was sitting weird.

What is the weirdest name you’ve ever heard? Someone I know named their kid Emanda. Unsure if its pronounced ee-manda or just regular Amanda. Haven’t wanted to ask. Another named their kid Albrea. I just call her Algebra. And another named their kid Annekke, pronounced Anika. She will forever be a-neek-ee to me.

Do you get embarrassed when people hear you sing/compliment you on your singing ability? Bold of you to assume I ever let anybody sing.

Are you good at comforting people when they’re upset? I’m the big sister to like a bajillion children. Yes I’m good at it.

Do you have any exercises you do everyday? Newp.

Do you own one of those singing fish? Do you think they are silly or funny? Hahaha I don’t but I literally just saw a Billy Bass at a thrift store yesterday. They were funny then and they’re funny nostalgic now.

Has anyone ever accused you of being bipolar or any other mental disorder? Do you really have any mental disorders? I have a pretty severe anxiety disorder but no one’s accused me of having it because like...it’s pretty obvious? 

Did you buy the last thing you bought with your own money? If not, whose money did you buy it with? Haha yes! We bought movie tickets, a drink, and peanut butter m&ms.

Do you like to put your feet up on the dashboards of cars? Do you parents yell at you if you do that in cars? Our car is too short for that but yeah, my parents always yelled at me for it when I was young.

Which Beatle is your favorite, or do you love them all equally? I wouldn’t say I loved any of them but John Lennon is absolute hot garbage.

Do you enjoy classic rock? If so, who are some of your favorite classic rock artists? Uh...not really?

Did you ever own a Tamagotchi? Yes! They were all the rage in the 6th grade.

Are you more of a dog or cat person?/ Dog, definitely.

Have you ever failed math? I very, VERY narrowly passed the last math course I needed to graduate and I did the math and because of the mark I got on my final, I should have failed by 3% but I got 1% over what I needed to pass. Pretty sure my math teacher just didn’t want to deal with me taking the course over so he passed me BUT my math could have been wrong, haha.

Skittles! What's your favorite color? Lordt. I haven’t purchased skittles in ages. I think I remember red being my favorite?

Have you ever had a dream of stabbing someone? Yeah, actually.

What would you want your last words to be if you could choose them? I would just want my husband to know how much I love him and that I’ll be waiting for him in whatever form of afterlife there is.

Can you sleep with the light on? If I'm dead tired.

What’s the most bizarre horror movie you’ve ever seen? I mean...Dracula is supposed to be a horror movie. The only thing horrific about it was the acting.

What band can’t you stand listening to? I honestly can’t think of one right now.

Would you ever take a lie detector test for your significant other? I mean, if I had to? But we trust each other 100% and I’m brutally honest about everything so he would never require that from me.

What is your favorite Mystery/Crime/FBI related show? Murder, Mystery, & Makeup Mondayssss! Sha na sha sha na sha sha na sha sha sha na shaaaaaaaa!

Would you ever have a bird as a pet? Absolutely not.

How's your relationship between you and your grandparents? I love my mom’s parents to bits. My grandma is one of my absolute favorite people in the world and my grandpa is very quiet but he has a lot of really sweet moments. My dad’s parents are awful fuckin people. My grandfather died like 5 years ago and I really had to try hard to feign sympathy about it to him. My grandmother is still kicking it but we haven’t spoken in over a decade for good reason. She also changed their joint Facebook account to just her Facebook account less than a week after he died loooool. She hated him as much as I did I think. And then my bio dad’s dad is dead but he was also a piece of shit but his mom is a sweetie. We facetime every so often and she holds the phone a grand total of 6 inches away from her face the entire time and tells me the same stories over and over. Bu

Ever had a forbidden love or lover? Newp.

Have you ever had to speak at a funeral? No, thank god.

Do you know someone who’s been cremated? My grandma’s dog.

What is your current problem? My eyes are blurry because I’m tired.

Do you like canopy beds? Tbh, canopy beds are the epitome of glamor in my eyes.

What is your favorite animated movie? Onward.

Would you rather live in a small town or a big city? I like medium cities. You won’t get mugged walking down the street, traffic doesn’t absolutely suck, and you can get clear across town in 15 minutes.

If you could summon any animal to come to your rescue, what animal would it be and why? Uh? Why am I in trouble? Why can’t I call a human? What’s happening here?

Have you ever watched The Golden Girls? I tried watching a couple episodes but it didn’t pique my interest.

Did you ever like the Ninja Turtles? Noooo. Beebs loves them though so he tries to make me love them and it’s just not happenin, buddy.

Last alcoholic drink you had? No idea tbh.

What are you known for? For being talented and having big hair.

Has anyone ever threatened you? Oh yeah. There was this one guy who was constantly sending me really graphic messages about how he wanted to put a gun to my head and kill me or he hoped I would get XYZ and die. I tried to block him but he would immediately make 3 more accounts to send me the same shit.

Have you ever gone frog hunting? Noooo.

Do you ever suffer from dry skin? Yessss. My body is the Sahara.

Do you still sleep with a stuffed animal? No, I sleep with a husband.

What’s the weather like right this moment? It’s rainy!

Do you bite on straws, lollipop handles, or ice cream sticks? Nah.

In what type of area was your first sexual encounter? Beeb’s bedroom. His stepfather interrupted and made him come outside to talk to him for some reason and then very weirdly pointed out his half boner? V. uncomfortable all around.

Where is your mother’s side of the family descended from? Somewhere where white people come from idk.

What do you occupy your time with on flights? iPad games usually.

Do you dog-ear pages in books? No, I’m not a heathen.

What’s a made up word of yours? We call pickles ‘pickies’ and hamburgers ‘borgers’ or ‘borgs’ because we’re gross.

Do you use Q-Tips? In my ears? No. To clean out tight spaces of things I've thrifted? Yes.

Ever gone out with somebody you didn’t like? Noooo.

What hero or heroine do you most relate to in history, fiction, or song? ....No.

What makes you dizzy? Getting up too fast usually.

Are your parents liberal or conservative? Bleh, conservative. If you have liberal parents, consider yourself blessed.

Do you like your teeth? Did you have braces? I got away with having just an appliance/Invisaligns but I still don’t like my teeth. They’re perfectly straight and white enough but I have body dysmorphia and for some reason I think they’re atrocious and I hate them??? I can’t explain it.

Are you happy with your height? I’m 5′11 and I wish I was shorter sometimes. Hugging my husband would be easier.

17, 19, 39, 42 please

17: Someone you miss

Seeing as I am literally living alone, with my family in a different country, my closest friends with whom I spent 20 years of my life together in different cities of the UK or in different countries, I can say I miss quite a lot of people. But if I had to choose I would say my grandparents. I grew up with them, it was them who raised me for the most part, not my parents, they are responsible for many issues I developed and our relationship was always a rocky one. 

But I honestly believe that no one has ever given me so much love, so selflessly. I wouldn’t be where I am now without them for multiple reasons and after recent conversations with them, which led to us pouring our hearts out and patching them back again, I find I miss them terribly, more than ever before. And knowing that their time is limited and they cannot travel here, it is up to me to return to my country to see them. Which is not something I can do frequently so…

19: A fact about your personality

I will give you two, one good and one bad because I want to be fair and maybe we can play a little game ;)

1) If I have decided I like you, I’m loyal to a fault. I won’t budge a nanometre from your side, I won’t lie to you, I will strive my utmost not to harm you in any way possible and I will go to great lengths for you. I will be a rock for you to lean and not lose your footing and I will be the softest blanket to cover you when you feel unsafe. Even if we don’t talk for a century, I will be there if you need me. The only way to successfully alienate me is to explicitly state “I don’t like you”. Otherwise I will still stay with you, till the end, at whichever distance makes both of us equally comfortable. 

2) A psychologist I was talking to for some time jokingly told me and I quote “You’re a natural punching bag”. It takes an awful lot of time for me to break, no matter how hard you try, or how harsh the hit is, I will absorb it, process it, neutralise and nullify it. And I will spring back to place. Nowadays, it takes me a bit more time to spring back, but that is not because of the hit. It’s because after some things that happened I have lost the will to spring back immediately. It keeps me almost always calm and collected and when I’m calm and collected I function in full capacity. So that on itself is not that bad. At the moment, only two people have hurt me deeply and one of them is myself. And tbh, my own self has been the one to make me break down every single time. Not other people. It’s always me. 

But, one good, one bad, right? I will leave it to you to decide which is which and why. Everyone is welcome to make an educated guess.

39: My favorite ice cream flavor

Um, you know what this is not fair. I think first comes Pistachio and then Lila Pause, all chocolate-y stuff apart from dark chocolate and strawberry. And cookie dough. And caramel. And cookies. I can’t play favourites with ice-cream my apologies.

42: The last thing I ate

I cooked fresh mushrooms with wine and white sauce. I rarely eat cook nowadays because of lack of time and appetite but today I had two hours of free time and decided to treat me. 

Thank you for asking sweet raccoon

70 Questions Tag

Tagged by @theravenclawstudyblr! Thank you! 💛  (most answers are under the cut)

01: do you have a good relationship with your parents? yes! honestly they act like children a lot of the time, and my dad especially can make me cry with laughter. they’re both very important to me.

02: who did you last say “i love you” to? probably my puppy or one of my cats, not gonna lie...

03: do you regret anything? not really. yes, there are things that I did that weren’t ideal, but I believe in the idea that everything that happens in life has a reason, so if the stupid things I’ve done have led me to where I am today then I don’t regret them at all!

04: are you insecure? oh absolutely, incredibly so. I struggled with really bad acne (and I mean SUPER bad, to the point where I was once asked if I had chicken pox) from the age of about 10 until I took medication for it when I was 13/14. that helped a bit, but the years when my acne was really bad completely ruined my self confidence and self esteem, and it’s been hard to try and build that back up over the past few years. I’m getting better though! in fact, I was just hanging out with some friends and didn’t put any makeup on before I went, which is a big thing for me as I still have some spots and have lots of acne scarring. so yeah, I’m insecure, but aren’t most people?

05: what is your relationship status? very very single

06: how do you want to die? yikes. probably in my old age, knowing that I had my chance at life and that I made the most of it. this is sad.

07: what did you last eat? I ate most of a bunch of grapes at my friend’s house just now, as well as a chocolate biscuit lol

08: played any sports? I used to play netball in primary school and I absolutely loved it because I got to be goalkeeper as I basically hit puberty early and was much taller than anyone we played against, so my job was really easy!

09: do you bite your nails? only if there’s a bit that needs to come of.

10: when was your last physical fight? I don’t think I’ve ever had one? my brother and I have likely hit each other in the past but I don’t have any specific memories of physically fighting.

11: do you like someone? nopeeee, I never really have

12: have you ever stayed up 48 hours? no but I did about 30 hours once and wanted to die so DON’T DO IT

13: do you hate anyone at the moment? no. there are people who do my head in, sure, but I don’t hate them.

14: do you miss someone? a little? I haven’t seen some of my friends in a few weeks because of the summer holidays, and I miss them!

15: have any pets? yep! 4 cats and 2 dogs

16: how exactly are you feeling at the moment? SO SO TIRED.

17: ever made out in the bathroom? nope! you could take out “in the bathroom” and my answer wouldn’t change lol

18: are you scared of spiders? jfhsdkjf yes I hate them so so much they’re so creepy

19: would you go back in time if you were given the chance? nope, I’m stressed enough just living in this timeline thanks

20: where was the last place you snogged someone? nowhere, ha

21: what are your plans for this weekend? I’m going on a summer team on saturday! so tomorrow I need to pack for that, saturday I have to travel down and we’ll get everything organised, then sunday we’ll properly settle in and get to know each other.

22: do you want to have kids? how many? as much as the process as childbirth scares me, I think so! just 2, a boy and a girl would be good, as that’s how my family is and we get along well.

23: do you have piercings? how many? no piercings for me, I don’t really see the point

24: what is/are/were your best subject(s)? I used to absolutely slay at art up until I did it for GCSE and suddenly there was too much work and I couldn’t put in as much effort as I used to. I’ve always been very good at English, and physics is probably my best these days!

25: do you miss anyone from your past? mhmm maybe a little 26: what are you craving right now? I could really go for some more grapes tbh

27: have you ever broken someone’s heart? not that I know of! 28: have you ever been cheated on? nope! can be cheated on if you’re never in a relationship, right?

29: have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? n/a lol

30: what’s irritating you right now? a tiny tiny fly keeps landing on my leg and I keep thinking it’s a spider

31: does somebody love you? platonically yes, romantically no

32: what is your favourite colour? YELLOW and also light pink yesssss

33: do you have trust issues? a little bit??? honestly I had a rough time from the age of about 12-14/15 and it’s left me with a whole host of issues

34: who/what was your last dream about? I was at harry potter world in orlando, and I overhead an evil plot to destroy one of the rides or something. but I completely disregarded that pretty quickly, as there was a dog that really wanted to go on one of the rides, so of course I took him on it and we had a great time.

35: who was the last person you cried in front of? I cried in front of my brother yesterday, but it was mostly crying of laughter that then kind of dissolved into not being able to stop crying lol

36: do you give out second chances too easily? no. if someone does something that makes me uncomfortable around them once then I’ll never be comfortable around them again.

37: is it easier to forgive or forget? for me it’s forget but that’s just because I have an awful memory lol

38: is this year the best year of your life? mhm not really. I’ve had some really really rough times mixed in with really amazing ones.

39: how old were you when you had your first kiss? n/a, have yet to have my first kiss (i don’t really like the idea of kissing tbh ew)

40: have you ever walked outside completely naked? uhhhh no ofc not ????? I’ve never even left my room naked

51: favourite food? biscuits. I could eat biscuits all day long. oh, and grapes!

52: do you believe everything happens for a reason? yes absolutely!

53: what is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? write in my journal

54: is cheating ever okay? no. not ever.

55: are you mean? only sarcastically and affectionately! I lightly bully my friends because that’s the sense of humour we all have

56: how many people have you fist fought? none

57: do you believe in true love? yeah I think so

58: favourite weather? COLD PLEASE I have such a low tolerance for heat and I hate wearing shorts etc I wanna live the jumper and cardigan life all the time 59: do you like the snow? yes!!!! it’s so pretty

60: do you wanna get married? It’s not one of my priorities but I don’t hate the idea either ((I’m just leaving @theravenclawstudyblr‘s answer here because SAME))

61: is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? ehhhhh sometimes? mostly I find it kind of cringey.

62: what makes you happy? lots of things!!!! cute animals, my family, hanging out with good friends, watching happy films, singing, watching my favourite TV shows, eating nice food, getting random genuine compliments from people, ahhhh so many things!!!!

63: would you change your name? no, but I wish I’d had a different one! like I wouldn’t change it now, after having it for so long, but if I’d been given a different name at birth that would have been nice because my name is so incredibly boring

64: would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? yeah - they don’t exist

65: your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? well apparently I completely miss all the signs because I am Very Asexual and have little concept of what is platonic and what is romantic (up until a certain point, obviously)

66: do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? again, the insecurity thing lol - I don’t think I’m ever fully myself with anyone tbh

67: who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? my friend’s cousin (he’s also my friend at this point tbh)

68: who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? yikes, it’s been a while! probably my best friend

69: do you believe in soulmates? mhm not really. I believe in destiny, loosely, so maybe soulmates kind of comes in to that? it’s too late at night for me to think about it, sorry

70: is there anyone you would die for? my parents, my brother, my grandparents and my closest friends. I love very strongly and would much rather die than have any of them die.

I tag @seatudying and @stevenstudies ! And anyone else who wants to do this!

Divide Track Reaction + Fav lines

Eraser - I love it when ed writes songs like this where he talks about his life and realizations and his journey to where he is right now. Love the riff on the chorus.

Save your lovin’ arms for a rainy day / I’ll find comfort in my pain

Castle on the Hill - sad that not a lot of people like this bc it’s too specific to his life on his hometown but this is a really SOLID song! That chorus takes you on a journey down ‘the old country lane’ and just the way this song was put together is A+++

I still remember these old country lanes / When we did not know the answer

Dive - THIS SOUNDS SO FAMILIAR??? It sounds old school with that guitar then you get the build up on the prechorus and you just know he’s about to kill it but you still get caught off guard??? That fucking chorus with his raspy voice and high notes!!! Wow. Prob my fav in the album.

And I've been known to give my all And jumping in harder than ten thousand rocks on the lake So don't call me baby unless you mean it

Shape of You - I love this song. It’s so not like him but at the same time it is? And how could you even resist that beat? I’ve yet to listen to the whole album properly but I think this is really the odd one out. Still my jam though

Girl, you know I want your love Your love was handmade for somebody like me

Perfect - He dubbed this as the song as the one that could beat thinking out loud and tbh I don’t think it did? For me at least. Bc I could still remember the moment I first heard TOL and a shiver went down my spine at the first 2 lines and right then i declared it as my favorite song. With this, not so much. I feel like it’s too cheesy and formulated. Idk maybe it’ll grow on me.

Well I found a woman, stronger than anyone I know She shares my dreams, I hope that someday I'll share her home

Galway Girl - This song is so fun! I love the beat and how he’s just in awe of this girl. I think this would be amazing live. Can’t really say anything bad about this song, everything just works

A capella in the bar using her feet for a beat Oh, I could have that voice playing on repeat for a week And in this packed out room swear she was singing to me

Happier - THIS SONG IS SO FUCKING SAD I JUST WANT TO HUG HIM AND NEVER LET GO. Ed my man, why do you do this? It’s so damn relatable and you could just feel his pain with each word. And that last verse was just the saddest most heartfelt ending to this beautiful song. Damn it Edward

Baby, you look happier, you do I know one day you'd fall for someone new But if he breaks your heart like lovers do Just know that I'll be waiting here for you

New Man - the fuckboy song. This is so funny and really clever bc of his play on words and the flow of the song. Who even does this??? Fucking amazing.

And I hear he's on a new diet at watches what he eats He's got his eyebrows plucked and his asshole bleached

Hearts Don’t Break Around Here - Ed is so inlove isn’t he? Can you just imagine being Cherry and being written songs like this. Such a lucky girl. This is a classic ed love song with beautifully written lyrics.

She is the lighthouse in the night That will safely guide me home And I'm not scared of passing over Or the thought growing old

What Do I Know - the beat and melody is so light and easy but the underlying message is really powerful and much needed in our world today. Love this.

I know, I'm all for people following their dreams Just re-remember life is more than fittin' in your jeans It's love and understanding, positivity

How Would You Feel - Now this I like better than Perfect (soz) though I wish it was a little bit faster. But as usual, killer lyrics and a better (imo) melody made this song work for me. This might be in my top 5.

I'll be taking my time, spending my life Falling deeper in love with you

Supermarket Flowers - we lost my aunt a month ago so this hit so close to home. This would be so hard to listen to everyday but still a really beautiful song. Very raw and heartfelt.

You were an angel in the shape of my mum You got to see the person I have become Spread your wings and I know That when God took you back he said Hallelujah You're home

Barcelona - are we sure this isn’t a commercial for Barcelona??? Cause I could totally picture this being played at a festival. Also I still can’t believe this was supposed to be the first single. Thank god for Stuart. I mean it’s not bad, it’s just… idk weird?

I fell in love with the sparkle in the moonlight Reflected in your beautiful eyes I guess that is destiny doing it right

Bibia Be Ye Ye - I like this a lot! It’s fun and it’s about having a good time and despite everything wrong that happened, all will be well. Island feels is always good

I remember less and less and mostly things that I regret In my phone are several texts from girls I've never met And in the pocket of my jeans are only coins and broken dreams

Nancy Mulligan - so this was about his grandparents which is really cute. Also it makes you want to dance even if you can’t

From her snow white streak in her jet black hair Over sixty years I've been loving her Now we're sat by the fire in our old armchairs You know Nancy, I adore ya

Save Myself - HOLY SHIT THIS SONG. THIS FUCKING SONG IS SO.. IDEK THE WORD TO DESCRIBE IT??? It’s like it’s really personal and emotional yet so cold???? I think this was describing the time before he decided to take a break? Hence why he was saying farewell bc he needed to save himself first. Amazing.

My dad was wrong 'Cause I'm not like my mum 'Cause she'd just smile and I'm complaining in a song

Overall verdict:

It’s so evident that Ed is writing in a different light since he is in a relationship. I did expected a lot from his love songs in this record, something along the lines of tenerife sea, TOL and photograph. But still, a really solid effort. The lyrics shine as per usual which is no doubt the result of his amazing songwriting skills.

Rating: 4/5

Multiples of 8

hey! Sorry if I get my multiples mixed up- I'm gay so I'm bad at math ~
8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?Huh. I mean I had a strange dream involving Nicholas Cage and the crazy guy who rides a unicycle and wears a rainbow beanie at my train station, but I try to avoid even the thought of men as much as I can.. OH WAIT I KNOW. FUCKING KYHOE REN AND IS GODDAMN SHIRTLESS SCENE. why does that bitch look like a drunk alien college student with no hand eye coordination woke up in a cold sweat at 3 AM and remembered they had a project for Human Studies due, so they looked at a picture of the Incredible Hulk, the ugly fetus thing from the end of the Harry Potter movies, and the Michelin man, and tried to construct a man out of like bits of old clay, taking a few lines of coke halfway through to stay awake, then pounding the mass together while cackling maniacally to produce the patsy, cauliflower looking fuck that is Kylo Rens body. I looked at it and lost even more of my will to live. 

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?OH HELL NO- that wouldBe a disaster! 
24. Favorite part of your daily routine?Closing my eyes and going to sleep. or maybe looking at the wide sky, or reading a book, or lighting candles, or the moment when no one is looking at me. 
32. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?
 yeah, unfortunately. I wanna cut it really short, but my mother is against anything that isn't strictly feminine. 
40. What do you want to do after high school?Oo! I dunno, move out, I'm excited to um exist as a gay person in real life. I would absolutely love to be a writer, but I know that's hard. I'm excited to go to college, be free, travel. not have to pretend anymore, you know? 
48. Have you ever been drunk?It's really, really not pretty. I.e. Now I'm not drinking until I'm 21, because I've had some terrible things happen to me, I've done some crazy shit, and due to mental shit I was developing a dependency 
56. Favourite colour? Ooo this is hard. Not to be Terrible but blue?? Oh god that's terrible. TBH I love every color, except for nasty shades of yellow and maroon. Also turquoise because I have traumatic memories with that color. 
64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?not consensual. with a large boy 2 years older than me. i thought I was awful for not enjoying it. 
72. What colour are your towels? white? I wish they were dark blue tho, to be honest white towels are the Worst I have a whole fucking rant about it but y'all have better stuff to do w your time. 
80. What colour pants?I have absolutely no idea what this means. Whose pants? Why? When? What's going on? Pants? 
88. Last person you talked to today?My mother. 
96. Favourite actress?huh- I'm really not sure. I'm always afraid of pledging my undying love to someone and then finding out they are Problematić and terrible. Emma Watson? Well really, it's one of my best friends. She does so much stage and TV work, and I honestly just love to watch her preform. She's incredible. 

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?do I? Do I??? Sometimes it seems as if every moment from my life is looking back on the golden days when things were better. Every time I think I've hit rock bottom, I only fall lower. I hear a call every night, a call back to my childhood and days I can never have back, days I took for granted and would do anything now to have back. I miss when I used to love and be loved by my family, I miss friends that simply drifted out of my life, I miss the cashier at the bookshop who disappeared one day, I miss the feeling of at least having grandparents, I miss the people who I thought my family were, I miss Obama, I miss Leslie from parks and rec, I miss the homeless people I made friends with during church food drives, I miss so many faces I will never see again, and most of all, I miss the person I used to be. What would it be like, to spend one day not in excruciating pain? What would it be like to be happy, just for one second just for a moment, again? 
105. Ever been to a bonfire party?
106. Ever broken someone’s heart?
107. Have you ever been on a horse?
108. What should you be doing?
109. Is something irritating you right now?
110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?
111. Do you have trust issues?
112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?Breathing? Yes-A train car full of commuters on the Friday rush hour train Not- An accusatory statue of Jesus in a Catholic Church from the Civil War. 
120. Are you afraid of the dark?Not since taking the maximum dose of Zoloft! Now I welcome the silence it brings. 
121. Are you mean? (For fun) According to the transactivist anons, yes. according to some people I polled- 2, a little and 7 nahs. 
128. Would you change your name?I'm planning to! I have been since I was very young, and I've always hated my real name- some boring bitch from the Bible. It'll be nice to become a new person, escape. 
136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?Closed and locked when I can, but when my mom gets mad at me and takes the door off of the hinges (like it is rn), I don't have a choice
137. How tall are you? Almost 5'11! 
144. Was today a good day? oh hunny. I know I'm being a Sad Susan, but yeah it really wasn't. my family was bein. Their normal bigoted self, we went to a restaurant and my dad got disgusted that there was a gay couple there, and asked to be moved to a table farther away from them (this is not the first theme this has happened). I had terrible asthma and couldn't really breathe lol. I'm super stressed about school, my DABpression Drugs aren't working enough :))))))), I lost my headphones, and I'm sad. tbh, actually not bad for me- oh yeah!! I got Carrie fishers book!! And I had some whipped cream!! 
sorry this is so long @ everyone ask me some more these are fun

Does anyone know your bank pin number other than you? Who? No, honestly i don’t trust anyone else with my money lol

Have you ever had a boyfriend/girlfriend who was depressed? No

Would you be able to climb out your bedroom window to sneak out? I live in 5th floor so no. also my bedroom window only leads to my balcony

What would you do if you found out the last person you called was pregnant/got someone pregnant? The last person i called was my dentist so i wouldn’t do anything lol

Can you taste the difference between brand name food and store brand food? Not really, never really even made an effort to try store brand and name brand food together to know if i could taste the difference

Would you be embarrassed to buy pads/tampons/condoms? Which one more? I wouldn’t be embarrassed to buy tampons. and i’ve never bought condoms so idk. i guess i would be more uncomfortable buying condoms tho. maybe because i look pretty young and people would make false assumptions about me? lol

If a stranger went in your room, would they be able to tell what gender you are from just looking at it? I don’t know actually

Are your parents gullible? Not really, my mom isn’t anyway. i’m not sure about my dad

Do you still own a VCR? No, i don’t know what happened to it but we used to have it

About how much money have you spent on food in the past two weeks? Too much i don’t even want to think about it

If you were in a car accident would the last person you kissed care? Well yes

If you were looking for a new pair of shoes where would you go? To the local mall

How much was the last pair of shoes you bought? My new winter boots were around 80euros

What color is the computer/laptop you’re on? Did you buy it yourself? It’s black and yes i bought it myself

Do you have a second home? I guess my mom’s and my sister’s home is my second home since i lived there before i moved to live on my own. and i still have the key to there

Would you be surprised if you saw the last person you texted smoking? I would since she quit smoking years ago

Does the smell of cigarettes, weed and beer repulse you? The smell of cigarettes or beer don’t really repulse me but it’s not something i enjoy either. i don’t know what weed smells like

Was the last person you kissed younger or older than you? Older

Do you think people have any misconceptions about you? I don’t know, i guess

Have you ever purchased Girl Scout cookies? No, i don’t think those are a thing here anyway

Do you like waffles? Yeah they’re okay

Do you watch birthing videos on a day-to-day basis? No haha, who does that actually?

Do you find piercings/tattoos attractive? Piercings are not attractive nor unattractive to me. however i find people with a lot of tattoos usually good looking, idk why tho.

Would you talk to someone you don’t know on the internet? I guess i would in some situations? i would just be careful and not to tell them too much about me

How often do you drink Monster? Never

Have you ever made totally pointless videos with your friends? I've done that

Do you like to buy those Warped Tour compilations? I don’t even know what that is

Do you like sitting on the inside or outside of a restaurant booth? Inside. eating outside is just begging for the bugs and birds to eat your food. and also i would hate the wind, like your hair flying to your mouth and food while you’re eating lol

Do you own a nightgown? No but i would love to

Have you ever made a house out of a giant cardboard box? No

Have you ever made a tent out of sheets in your bedroom? Yes haha

Do your grandparents know how to operate a cell phone? My paternal grandparents do, they’re probably better than me lol. my maternal grandparents not so well

Have you ever had sex or something like it? Yes

Have you ever read a George Orwell book? I’m sure i haven’t

Have you ever worn fishnets? I haven’t

How many piercings and tattoos do you have? Zero tattoos and 9 piercings, 8 on my ears and one on my bellybutton

Is someone in your family affected by Asperger’s? My sister has it

In a hotel do you always nose through all the drawers and cupboards? Yes haha i’m so nosy

Would you rather go out to eat or be eaten out? I don’t have a preference tbh lmaooo

Do you always wear your seat belt? I always do that and so should you

Have you ever liked someone much older than you? Do celebrity crushes count? if not then no, i haven’t

Have you ever been in a play? The school plays that we had to do in elementary school twice every year. they were the worst lol, i’m so bad at acting and also not a very good performer

Do you have any secrets that nobody knows about? Yes, but i don’t know if they’re really called secrets? they’re just some things that’s nobody else’s business

Is there ice cream in your freezer? No, i’m trying to be healthy now lol

Have you ever started to laugh but played it off as a cough successfully? I’m sure

Have you ever liked the lyrics of a band but hated the music? I don’t remember

Does your bathroom have a window? No

Do you go somewhere to get your eyebrows done? I love to get my eyebrows done professionally  but i rarely do it. i love the feeling or plucking and threading eyebrows haha, especially if it’s done by someone else

When you were younger did you read the A Series Of Unfortunate Events books? Nope

Who was the last band you saw live? Nightwish, ages ago

Do you believe prayer really works? I've only prayed once in my life and it was when i was 8 years old. my prayer actually worked but i don’t think it was because of god or anyone else like that, because i don’t really believe in it

Are you a fan of the band Gym Class Heroes? Only know the songs Stereo hearts with Adam Levine and i like it but i wouldn't call msyelf a fan based on one song i’ve heard from them lol

Frosted flakes or frosted mini wheats? I don’t know, i’m not a big fan of cereal

Have you been on a date in the park? Yes

Ever dated someone you were best friends with first? No

Are there any diseases/health problems that run in your family? Hypertension

Do you have asthma? I don’t

Are tongue piercings slutty? Of course not

Is there anybody you think is hot over the age of 40? James McAvoy, he’s 41 and my ultimate celeb crush lol

Last person to take off your pants, besides you? Ehh, i’d rather not think about it

Do you remember those cool highlighters that smelled like popcorn? I've not heard of those

Might you enjoy hanging out in the woods for day or two? Nooo, i would never

Have you ever written something on a bathroom stall? I haven’t

Least favorite alcoholic drink? Just every alcoholic drink there is, i’m not a fan

Have you ever kissed someone named Paul or Luke? No

How did you meet the last male you texted? I met him through my mom actually

Have you ever had an embarrassing email address? Not really but i’ve had an embarrassing email profile picture or whatever it’s called. it was originally meant as my youtube profile picture as a meme or something lol but since google+ happened it became my email picture as well. and it was a really embarrassing one. and i once sent an email to my teacher and just prayed to god that she didn’t notice my fucking icon

Do you put shampoo in your left or right hand? My left hand because i have more power on my right hand to squeeze the bottle lol

Do you have a bull ring through your nose? No

Do you and your dad get along? Yes, we just see eachother like literally once a year or something

Can you see your purse right now? If i turned my head but i’m not going to

Are you wearing any perfume? What kind? No

Are there products in your hair? No

When you get colds, do you use nasal spray to help get your nose unstuffy? No, i’ve tried it once and it felt awful 

Do you actually like sneezing? Yes haha

Have you taken a shower yet today? Yes in the morning

Do you have one best friend who is always there for you? Yes i’d like to think so

Do you wear skirts a lot? I never wear skirts

Do you wear sweatpants a lot? Lately i have

How many pairs of jeans do you think you have? I have two pairs of jeans right now with one of them having a hole on the crotch area so yeah

Do you like hoodies? Not really, they don’t really fit my body type?

Big ones or the form fitting kind? Hoodies? big ones

Do you wear polo shirts a lot? I have one polo shirt and i rarely use it

Did you ever actually have a rubber duck? I don’t think i did

Are you one of those people who claim to live with no regrets? I have regrets but i don’t like to think about them or “regret” them you know? because it’s waste of time in my opinion because you just can't change the past.  Do you love your computer? Yeah sure, like i wouldn’t live without it lol

Do you drink coffee? Sometimes, but i usually prefer coffee from a café and haven’t had a chance to have one lately for reasons

Do you basically like all of your clothes? I do

Do you shop mostly with your parents, your friends, or by yourself? By myself

Oct 1 2019

Tuesday 11:35 pm

August was fine. I spent time with mom & dad & there were moments. I made pants w mom, mom gave me a nice bob cut, i went to wegmans to eat in the cafeteria w mom sometimes & adele at other times, i passed my drivers test & got my wisdom teeth pulled out, & i did not work on my book. I moved into college & nneka had a lot of friend drama and i felt like am imposter in the irc bc black women should be free in this space without me watching but also they believe in many of the evil col*mbia things i cant think good things abt. I began classes & had a scare when i wasn’t supposed to sign up for my grad student class but i interviewed during office hours & it was fine. i now think honestly i am one of the better students but the class is kinda a mess. so are my other classes. surprisingly cc is very good & i enjoy my prof.

September was less fine but we did it. aside from classes, i am feeling more and less in tough w my femininity. like i present with longer hair now but feel like my body is really awful for ppl to interpret still, and is end up wearing a hat every other day. Mom called me last night & told me she was back from china, my grandparents are fine for now probly, and jimmie/alice’s dad d*ed. I don’t rly know how to process this information but jimmie liked my instagram post last night. that’s so awful.

Some good memories:

- first day of lion dance practice i sweat so much & emma has such good skin they just glow on low plaza under the soft night lamps & i actually had a lot of fun moving around & being around emma & afterward we all went to get free gong cha & i got a mango slush w basil seeds bc i was like wow it’s paid for try smth fancy & i went to emilys woodbridge apt & Claire was there making pottery & emma was talking to them when i walked in & it was so pleasant to see them together and then emma also came to do pottery & we all sat together in claires big bedroom/living room at night & talked & i felt like a part of a rly nice warm family even tho everyone else is not that nice and warm feeling abt each other to some numbed extent bc of crushes & bad behavior & etc but i rly had such a good night

- i went to the ny art book fair with grace & we met emma there & looked at zines & claire came later & i was like wow these ppl who i don’t even know very well took time out of their day to b with me & then emma & i took the train back & i talked to emma abt anarchy & chinese folktales & daoism on the train ride back & also mia mingus on leaving evidence at some point but yea i rly liked sharing time with them on the ride back then i took a nap i shouldn’t have taken & left late to go to my first day of tutoring & ended up being 15 mins late bc the one train goes express on weekends but i stayed for 30 mins extra & got paid 100 for an hr!! i was standing in the elevator with two 50 dollar bills in my hand like??? what??? this is my life? rich ppl just have money to do whatever with ?????? also side note yesterday i taught her how to draw a circle given a center & radius without plotting a bunch of points from solving the equation 💩

- after the wow information session i went back home with em & we cooked noodles together & em told their roommates that there were so many leaks in the kitchen & they all came and gathered around a bundle of leeks on the cutting board & the wow info session had such good black sesame moon cakes bc they were home made & smth abt the freshness just makes them so 香 but yea it was so nice to talk to em & share some hugs & food & it rly reminded me of those times last yr when em randomly invited me over to eat noodles & take care of me & tbh that’s the only non-parent love that feels so real that i can cry

- today was so awful bc it’s a Tuesday & that means i have printmaking from 10-4 & then chinese avant-garde 4-6 plus mei from wow could only call me at 1 today out of all the times this week so i spent my lunch break doing that & another stressful thing was my oral presentation in the grad student class that i was rly not prepared for. so i wake up around 8:30 & try to finish the reading i want to present abt bc i wanna review & don’t come close to finishing & head off to class & i had spent 3 hrs in the print show the previous day preparing materials for this class that we didn’t even use so im making a stupid book & it’s so stupid & i eat a few of my dumplings i fried in the 10 mins before class started & can’t eat them bc i feel watched & pressure to read & pressure abt how i don’t know anything abt what to do in this art class & ppl helping always feels like ppl telling me I’m stupid & also im just feeling bad in my body. so i unsuccessfully make 1 book after two attempts & then it’s 11:30 & i give up & just sit down to read & restless reading & then i go to lunch meaning i come to my room to read & at this point im feeling suuper queasy like dry mouth, throat closing up, feeling like i wanna throw up so i do & there isn’t rly much to throw up & it’s 12:59 & i think abt throwing up some more but i rush to drink water instead & the call comes at 1:03 & i am so cheery & have nothing to say so i just say all the things abt me & then she asks if i have any questions & i talk abt how amazing em is as if that’s an answer but not before telling her u have to go to class so we say bye & i go to class & tomas isn’t there yet even tho he looked me in the eyes earlier in the day & said he wants to meet with all of us for crit & so i ask joanna if we will be learning anything Jew in the afternoon & she says no & she would go if she were sick so i just put my stuff away & go to my room to finish (sorta) reading & type up a script for my presentation & then i tell xinni im leaving class around 2:45 so we go to the heyman center & i finish writing my part of the thing & putting pictures in & she finishes hers & we go to class & our presentation goes very well & lydia helps question ppl for discussion too so it’s not that awkward & i ask lydia abt what is avant-garde if were talking abt capitalists selling colonial modernity & anarchists in the same sentence & she spends the last half our talking abt how movements should resist definitions bc those delineations of boundaries are not conducive to discourse & so class ends & now im shivering bc im sick & i come back to drink some nyquil yay & chat with my ra & then nneka swipes me in to the dining hall but shes w the ra chatting for too long in a line that’s too long so i leave & sit in bed with my food to take a 15 min nap & by some miracle i get up to talk to grace & kyoko abt a workshop for apia-u & then aaa meeting happens & its whatever & i come back to my room- pretty sad day right? but i look at my phone & see Emma has sent me a video out of the blue called i love eggs & it’s just a song saying i love u abt eggs thatturn into superheroes & planes & rainbows & etc & idk if this is a super gay proposal or sorts or just super gay friend things but i think i interpret it as both. Finally i got an email from em saying they would love to welcome me as a wow intern & im sorta guilty bc it somewhat feels like i tricked em into making this happen for me by being pitiful but that’s such an awful thing to think & mostly i am very excited to work with em & see em & go to Chinatown & be tender & goofy & also earn a bit of money?? but yes very very good day.

OKAY. so today was overall pretty good, not that I did all that much, but still. I woke up around 10:30 and couldn’t fall back asleep, so I got up. I figured I’d make a dutch baby pancake for breakfast since that’s what I’ve been doing lately, but I fucked it up trying to halve the recipe, I halved the butter and eggs but then forgot to halve the milk and the flour, and only realized this when I poured it into the pan, so I tried to add two more eggs to even it out a bit (the whole recipe called for 6 and I had put in 3) but they ended up not getting evenly distributed so the final product was kind of grossly eggy at first, but I put it back in the oven for like, 20 more minutes (the original called for a 14-20 minute cook time) and it stabilized a bit and was much more edible at that point. In an effort to be productive I started on my civil rights reading, which ended up taking fucking forever because it’s all cases that are like, two pages long, and after every case I have to stop and write a case brief for it, so it doesn’t go by very quickly. I got almost 30 pages done though, so that’s good, especially given that I’m very likely going to get cold called on Monday. So I did that from like, 12 to 4 basically haha and then got ready to go to class. Not too too cold today, in the 30s, so I walked, but the wind was kind of chilly at times. I just made it onto the train, so that’s always a good feeling. I arrived at class and ended up talking to one of the other ladies about the assignment we have coming up, because I’m basically an unofficial TA at this point lol so I helped her out with some stuff before class started. We got our assignment from last week back and I was not pleased with my grade, and it was pretty much all because she didn’t give us an example of what she wanted and we were literally just flying blind and if it wasn’t what she wanted you got downgraded. So I was kinda pissed about that, but oh well. For most of the class we just went over like, basic writing tips and such which wasn’t terribly thrilling. I was looking at job listings on the internet for most of the time, because if I want to potentially stay in Chicago I need to actually like, have active applications in for jobs here, lol. Nothing was exactly on point, but I ended up applying for a disability rights ground that my friend happens to work for, which is still largely civil rights based, so that could work, I adapted one of my former cover letters to that. The other one was at a domestic violence legal organization, so for that I pretty much ended up writing an entirely new cover letter, focusing on my experience with domestic violence instead of my experience with child welfare. I was pretty pleased with how both of them came out and I submitted them, so we’ll see what happens. I’m just worried I’m gonna end up in a job I’m not happy in, and as much as the NYC position is what I want to do, it sounds awful lonely to go out and rebuild a friend base somewhere where I don’t really have all that many friends, and I’d be somewhat isolated from my friends still on LI. So I’m thinking I might be happier here, even if it’s not with something I exactly want to do long term. If I could get in with an education law org that would be great because it’d still be focused on kids, and I do have a few contacts there, so we’ll see if that pans out. I’m waiting to hear back from my former prof about the public defender’s office because I couldn’t actually find a job application for a lawyer position there online (which potentially means they’re not hiring but I hope that’s not the case) so hopefully that will be figured out. I just keep thinking it would be so perfect if OPG lifted their hiring freeze, I could stay here and be doing the exact kind of work I want to do long term, but there is nothing indicating that the freeze will be lifted any time soon, even when lawyers from the office are retiring (my old supervisor who loved me and I’ve kept in contact with is retiring in June, he said he would call me the minute the freeze was lifted because he knows I want to be there so badly) so I can’t really count on that as a viable offer. And like, I feel like there’s a really good chance I’m gonna get offered the NYC job before any of these leads pan out, and that would make it really difficult to not accept the position and wait on leads that may never lead to anything, so unless I don’t get it or I magically get a job in the next two weeks, the odds of me staying in Chicago aren't great....but at this point I really do want to stay and I don’t know what to do about it. The last two months have been a lot more fun than I’ve had in a very long time, and I don’t want to give that up two months from now. I’m just so conflicted. and like I’m trying to pray about it and reassure myself that God has a plan but like, I just can’t tell where I’m supposed to be and it’s really frustrating. I just don’t want to end up being lonely, and as of now I know that won’t be the case staying in Chi, so moving to NYC where there’s a good chance I would be lonely at least for a few months doesn’t seem all that appealing. And of course then there’s the whole issue of my parents, and as much as my family tends to drive me up the wall, I don’t want to disappoint them, I know it’s been hard on them to have one out of their four kids leave and stay gone for going on seven years now when the other three have never even left the house. And like, if we’re gonna start talking about more permanent locations if a boy ever enters the picture, I want my family and my kids to be close to my parents because I want them to really get to know their grandparents, not have them just be relatives we visit a couple times a year. I had a much closer relationship with my grandma who lived with us than my grandpa who lived in Arizona and we saw maybe once a year. Especially given that my dad is already pretty old and although he is currently in great health, I know things like that can change pretty rapidly at that age (he’s 71) and I want my kids to get to know him while he’s still around. my dad’s mom died six weeks before I was born, and I don’t like that I never got the chance to have a relationship with her, and I don’t want my kids to get deprived of that if I can help it. sigh, okay now I’m ranting so I’ll stop now. Anyway. Class ended, got home, watched an episode of Game of Thrones (1x07 I think) since there was nothing recorded for the night, then finished an episode of the Royals I started at some point and neglected to actually finish. Idk if I’m going to continue watching it at this point, I’m really just not feeling connected to the characters or the storyline and I don’t want to waste my time watching a show I’m not really enjoying. After that episode ended I stayed up a bit later on my computer before getting ready for bed, and here we are. I have PT at 10 am, so I get to sleep in a little, and thankfully it’s not too late right now so I can get around 9 hours of sleep (assuming my body cooperates and lets me fall asleep quickly, which is kind of doubtful tbh). And on that note I will take my leave. Goodnight my dears. Happy Friday.