hi! your blog is one of my favourites and i absolutely adore reading your thoughts. my grandfather recently passed away and it feels like i lost myself with him. how do i continue living after this? there is this constant weight on my chest and it feels like an emptiness has made a home inside of me. how do i go on when it feels like the world crashed on my shoulders?
hello, love! this is so very sweet and kind of you, and i hope you're treating yourself gently and kindly right now - there aren't words for a loss like this. that heaviness is difficult, and hard, and painful. it's okay if things don't feel okay, right now, or even soon - i think that's something that a lot of the people i know that have gone through similar grief feel: like they should be able to get back to a relative 'normal' in a [insert far too short period of time].
but it's okay if it hurts. that's where i'd like to start. you're allowed to feel that emptiness, that world-crashed feeling that goes beyond words, beyond time. don't feel like you have to rush this to feel some sort of better. things get easier with time, i promise you this, but sometimes painful feelings are important to feel, too. cry, scream, feel your emotions. they're a part of you. grieve.
it's perhaps a little silly, but when i think about death i always think about a couple of space songs: mainly drops of jupiter by train and saturn by sleeping at last. there are perhaps others that speak to the emotions better, but these two have always hit something a little deeper for me, and are popular for a wide-reaching reason.
and while personally i don't know much about grief like this, i do know a lot about love; and i think they're a lot of the same thing.
the people we love are a part of us, and this is why it takes from us so deeply when we lose them, because it does feel like we've lost a part of ourselves in the wake of it. but it's because they were so central to our experiences of living - our lives, that the separation introduces a hollowness - a place where they used to be. a home that now goes unlived in.
an emptiness, like you said.
but just because they're not here physically, doesn't mean he's not still there, in your heart, in your life, your memory. you can hold him close in smaller ways, as well: steal a sweater, or cologne/scent for something a little more physical and long lasting for remembering. hold onto the memories you cherish, the things that made you laugh, the ease of slow mornings and gentle nights. write them all down, slide a few photographs in there, go through it and add more when you miss him. keep them all close, keep them in your heart.
you're not alone, in this. he's still there, with you, it's just - in the little things.
he's with you in the way you see and go about your daily life, in doing what he liked to do, in the ways he interacted with the world that you shared with him. the memories you recall fondly when the night is late or the moment is right and something calls it into you like a melody, an old bell, laughter you'd recognize anywhere.
but i think, perhaps most importantly above all others - talk about him. with your family, your friends, his friends, strangers; stories are how we keep the people we love alive. the connections they've made, the legacies and experiences they've left behind, and so, so many stories.
how lucky, we are - to love so much it takes a piece of us when they go. grief is the other side of the coin, but it does not mean our love goes away. it lives in you. it lives in everyone who knew him, in the smallest pieces of our lives.
the people we love never really leave us, like this: they're in how we cook and the way we fold our newspapers, our laundry, in the radio stations we tune in to and the way we decorate our walls, our photo albums. they're in the way we store our mail, organize our closets, the scribbled notes in the indexes of our books. the meals we love and the drinks we mix, the way we spend time with one another. they've been passed down for generations, for longer than history - and we are all the luckier for it.
think about what you shared with him, and do it intentionally. bring him into your life, like this, again. whether it's crosswords or poetry or sports or anything else. if one doesn't help, try another. something might click.
i hope things feel a little easier for you, as they tend to do only with time. i hope you find joy in your grief, even if it is small and hard to grasp at first. know that your hurt stems from so much love that there isn't a place to put it properly, and that it is something so meaningful and hurting poets and storytellers have been struggling to put it into words and sounds that feel like the fit right for eons, and that it is also just simply yours. sometimes things don't have to make sense. sometimes they just are - unable to be put into words or neat little sentiments, as unfair and tragic as they come.
but i promise it will not feel like this forever. your love is real. and perhaps, on where to begin on from here - i think it's less on finding where to begin and just beginning. and you've already started. you've taken the most important and crucial step: the first one.
wherever you go, after that, from here? you'll figure it out. you always have, and you always do. it'll come, as things always do. love leads us, as does light - and you're never alone in your hurt. in your grief, your missing something dear to you. i think if you talk about it with others, you'll find they have ways of helping you cope as well - and they have so much love of their own to spare, too.
as an aside, here is the song (northern star by dom fera) i was listening to when i wrote this, for no other reason more than it makes me think of connections, and love, and how we hold onto the people we love and how they change us, wonderfully and intrinsically. it's a little more joyous than the others i've mentioned, and plays like a story, and it made me think of what is at the core of this, love and stories and i am here with you, and maybe it'll bring you some joy, if you'd like it. wishing you all my love and ease 💛
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Billy "if I fits I sits" Hargrove and Steve "if you don't get your ass out of my face I'll bite it" Harrington
Steve "are you sure this is safe" Harrington and Billy "probably not" Hargrove
Steve "do I smell something burning" Harrington and Billy "your toast has been ready for ten minutes" Hargrove
Steve "study day and night" Harrington and Billy "I'll leave it up to fate" Hargrove
Billy "where do you think you're going mister" Hargrove and Steve "to the bathroom" Harrington
Steve "please brush your hair babe" Harrington and Billy "it's for the aesthetic" Hargrove
Billy "are you annoyed yet" Hargrove and Steve "I'm starting to be" Harrington
Steve "my patience is wearing thin" Harrington and Billy "like your hairline" Hargrove
Steve "why isnt the car moving" Harrington and Billy "Maybe because it's in park Steven" Hargrove
Billy "why do you put up with me" Hargrove and Steve "I've put up with a lot worse don't test me" Harrington
Billy "Ratio" Hargrove and Steve "keep math out of this" Harrington
Steve "please slow down we're going to be late" Harrington and Billy "do you hear yourself" Hargrove
Steve "have you looked in the mirror" Harrington and Billy "have you?" Hargrove
Steve "I went to the bakery" Harrington and Billy "do I not have enough cake for you" Hargrove
Steve "I love you unconditionally" Harrington and Billy "how dare you say that" Hargrove
Steve "are you okay" Harrington and Billy "am I ever okay" Hargrove
Billy "what were you thinking" Hargrove and Steve "nothing" Harrington (works both ways hehe)
Steve "you could've died" Harrington and Billy "but I didn't" Hargrove
Billy "how can you love me" Hargrove and Steve "how can I not" Harrington
Billy "are you really wearing that outfit in public" Hargrove and Steve "if it embarrasses you yes" Harrington
Billy "please don't fall in love with me" Hargrove and Steve "too late" Harrington
Steve "do you think this is funny" Harrington and Billy "oh you're not laughing" Hargrove
Billy "pay attention to me" Hargrove and Steve "dude don't make me get a restraining order" Harrington
Steve "I don't smell" Harrington and Billy "allow me to bring you back to earth" Hargrove
Steve "I'm stupid" Harrington and Billy "that's okay, I'll just out stupid you" Hargrove
Billy "I'm an asshole" Hargrove and Steve "why do you think I like you so much" Harrington
Steve "why are you laughing" Harrington and Billy "why aren't you laughing" Hargrove
Billy "giggles at funerals" Hargrove, Eddie "places bets on who's going to sing at the altar" Munson and Steve "God isn't real but the devil is" Harrington
Steve "sit up straight" Harrington and Billy "i literally can't" Hargrove +(Bonus- Robin "and on Pride Month" Buckley)
Billy "I'm very disappointed in you" Hargrove and Steve "is it because I'm bi" Harrington
*****
Tags: (always room for more 🥰🤡)
@ouizzyharringrove
@harringroveho
@hephaestn
@emeraldwitches
@shipworm
@whoringrove
@polaris-ursae
@geormenia
@spaceboxkitty
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@wixterirox
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[from my flickr files:: My father and his father]
* * * *
“I had two dreams about him after he died. I dont remember the first one all that well but it was about meetin him in town somewheres and he give me some money and I think I lost it. But the second one it was like we was both back in older times and I was on horseback goin through the mountains of a night. Goin through this pass in the mountains. It was cold and there was snow on the ground and he rode past me and kept on goin. Never said nothin. He just rode on past and he had this blanket wrapped around him and he had his head down and when he rode past I seen he was carryin fire in a horn the way people used to do and I could see the horn from the light inside of it. About the color of the moon. And in the dream I knew that he was goin on ahead and that he was fixin to make a fire somewhere out there in all that dark and all that cold and I knew that whenever I got there he would be there. And then I woke up.”
― Cormac McCarthy, No Country for Old Men
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the interplay of power in these conversations is worth lingering on, i think. when rue is offered a mask and a place among the chorus, it is construed as a gift, though it is quickly revealed that they will never be recognized as an equal. and we know that rue is exceptional for their court as a justification, a mechanism of self-defense that they have always used to overcome their true nature. they are not fey, not really; rue is a monster. and the court does not let them forget it. they admire rue’s gifts and talents as a reflection of the court’s ability to elevate a monster, to make their monster into a prize that they will eventually collect.
it is power via extraction; the chorus took an owlbear from the mortal plane as a source of curiosity and delight, and now they take rue from their life among the fey as a source of insight and passion.
in contrast, the lords of the goblin court do not offer hob a marriage but instead order him to this new assignment. there was never a question of him being their equal; there was never a question of loving him, of anyone loving him. but in what seems like an act of charity and grace, they compare him to themselves. they offer him what he has twisted himself into knots trying to achieve -- he has a place in the court, he is something like a goblin, he could almost be one of them. all he ever wanted was to be one of them, which we know is a justification and not true happiness, but he wants it still. blemish and boil wield hob; their power is opportunistic, and they are willing to dehumanize him for it.
both courts reduce them to tools. rue has a purpose to fulfill; it’s what they owe the court of wonder, after all, for making rue what they are. hob has value in his willingness to serve; it’s what he lives for, what the goblin court has told him to live for. in the end, meeting each other won’t save them; though love will likely inspire them to act, the only way out is in deconstructing the court system. as long as the courts stand, hob and rue and every other monster trapped within it will suffer as their superiors find ways to use them.
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[from my Grandfather’s photo files: portrait of my Grandmother: Gilbert Minnesota 1918]
* * * * *
The Snow Is Deep on the Ground
BY KENNETH PATCHEN
The snow is deep on the ground.
Always the light falls
Softly down on the hair of my belovèd.
This is a good world.
The war has failed.
God shall not forget us.
Who made the snow waits where love is.
Only a few go mad.
The sky moves in its whiteness
Like the withered hand of an old king.
God shall not forget us.
Who made the sky knows of our love.
The snow is beautiful on the ground.
And always the lights of heaven glow
Softly down on the hair of my belovèd.
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