#this is jade – remember these are just our opinions !!! we have very strong opinions about stuff but it doesn't mean you're not – | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ibijau · 3 years

Text

Forbidden Romance pt4 / On AO3

Lan Wangji was predictably furious when his brother confessed to him that he had everything that had happened in recent months. That anger was for the most directed toward Lan elders, but Lan Xichen felt his brother had to also be disappointed in him for making so many compromises. Had their places been reversed, Lan Wangji’s closed expression seemed to say, he would have stood for justice at any cost. Had it been anyone else, Lan Xichen would have dismissed this as an empty boast, the sort every cultivator would do when they weren’t in such a position. But this was Lan Wangji, and he bore on his back the proof of his dedication to his convictions even if it meant going against their elders, something Lan Xichen hadn’t had the strength to do.

Or perhaps it was just Lan Xichen’s guilt speaking. His brother only said a few words, having grown more silent than ever during his forced seclusion, but not a single one of those words aimed to condemn his brother. Instead he asked for details about the plot that had nearly killed Nie Mingjue, and asked why his brother had chosen to reveal all of this after keeping the secret for so long.

“Hm. Nie Huaisang,” was Lan Wangji’s only comment when Lan Xichen shared the plan hatched to protect his brother and his nephew.

His tone was neither warm nor cold, but it was knowing. It was not something the two of them had ever discussed, that shared preference for men. They had also never really talked about the targets of that preference, neither really understanding why the other would want such a partner, but trying to be supportive in spite of it.

“Are you sure?” Lan Wangji asked about the plan. That he needed to ask at all said a lot about the amount of trust he placed in Nie Huaisang’s word, Lan Xichen thought.

He couldn’t even blame his brother. Lan Xichen knew Nie Huaisang’s reputation as lazy and indolent, and wouldn’t argue that it wasn't at least somewhat justified. But weak cultivation and lack of taste for martial arts didn’t mean Nie Huaisang couldn’t be depended on when necessary.

“I’m sure,” Lan Xichen said.

It was enough for his brother, who expressed no further doubts.

Having agreed on a plan to follow, preparations were quickly made to allow Lan Wangji a chance to leave the Cloud Recesses undetected, and to ensure his departure wouldn’t be noticed too quickly. Lan Xichen gave his brother a hefty sum of money to cover any expenditures he might encounter on the way to Qinghe, as much food as he had been able to take without attracting attention, and his personal jade token so Lan Wangji could leave without going through the main gate.

Regarding Lan Yuan too, arrangements had been made. Lan Xichen had taken the child from his class that very afternoon, declaring that he intended on spending the next few days personally teaching him. Since the little boy was largely suspected of being Lan Wangji’s bastard son, it did not surprise anyone that Lan Xichen would wish to supervise his education.

He had worried that his uncle would notice Lan Yuan’s absence since they lived together, but Lan Qiren had been so busy these recently that Lan Xichen hardly ever saw him. And even if he noticed the child was missing, Lan Qiren would surely understand and hold his tongue. It was then only a matter of bringing the little boy to his father in the middle of the night, and wishing them both a safe journey. Lan Wangji had recuperated a great deal from his wounds, and though he wasn’t yet in perfect health, he was strong enough to arrive to Qinghe in a few days, even if he had to carry a child while flying.

For three days, Lan Xichen hid his brother’s escape. It took a little work to make sure meals appeared to have been consumed, but at least doctors no longer needed to attend Lan Wangji as frequently as they once did, and nobody else ever came to visit him.

On the morning of the fourth day, Lan Xichen dressed carefully to make himself look older and more respectable, and put on a guan that had once belonged to his grandfather. He opened the Hanshi’s determined to demand that the council meet him, so he could finally reveal everything he had learned about the plot against Nie Mingjue and force them to accept that their sect would be morally in the wrong if they persisted in refusing to choose a side. He would not back down, not this time. His brother, his best friend, and his true love were counting on him. Lan Xichen could not disappoint them, not again. He would…

“The elders are requesting your presence for a council,” a disciple informed him as soon as he stepped outside. “Some urgent news has arrived regarding recent events.”

A slight change of plan. Lan Xichen was equal parts aggravated and relieved. He would have liked to be the one making demands for once, but there was no certainty that the council of elders would have gathered merely because he asked for it.

Lan Xichen promptly made his way to meet the elders, and apologised for his tardiness when he entered the room where they had gathered. After exchanging a glance with his uncle, who appeared just as ignorant of this new matter, Lan Xichen went to sit at his place, on a dai that raised him above the elders. And yet, it was toward Lan Xiaofan that every eyes turned, knowing as they all did that his opinion held more weight than that of the boy they used as a figurehead.

“Two pieces of news have reached us early this morning,” Lan Xiaofan somberly announced. “The first is that Lanling Jin has also started speaking of going to war. They say Qinghe Nie has kidnapped their sect leader’s grandson and heir, Jin Ling.”

“A serious accusation,” Lan Xichen retorted, certain Nie Huaisang would have known about that if it were true, and that he would have warned him. “What proof is there?”

Lan Xiaofan hesitated, surprised by his sect leader’s defiant tone, or perhaps by the very fact that Lan Xichen would dare to speak without invitation.

“The proof is that the child is missing, and the Nie are their only enemies.”

“So we are to take the absence of proof as a proof?”

The old men glared at Lan Xichen, who innocently smiled at them in return. He’d never understood how some people could just say rude things, be wilfully insolent, or do whatever they pleased without consideration for the will of others, but he was starting to understand the thrill of it. There was something absolutely delicious in daring to say the things that were on his mind, instead of just reciting what he knew people wanted to hear.

It was addictive, and he suddenly felt new sympathy for Wei Wuxian.

“Nie Mingjue has gone mad, and is capable of nearly anything at this point,” someone said. “Even harming a child, if that’s what it takes to destroy the one sect that stands between him and power.”

“Da-ge isn’t doing this for power,” Lan Xichen protested.

“After he’s kidnapped that child, can you really believe his story about a murder attempt?”

“I do, and I know there was a witness to that attempt,” Lan Xichen proclaimed. “I have talked with him, he was there when it started, and helped me understand how the attempt was made.”

That, at last, silenced the elders. It gave Lan Xichen some hope. They weren’t enemies, he reminded himself, and they were not cruel by nature either. They were just trying to make the best possible decision for their sect, just like him, and when they were told with no uncertainty how the whole thing had unfolded, they would finally side with Nie Mingjue.

“Who is that witness?” Lan Qiren asked.

“Nie Mingjue’s own brother. He's heard me play Cleansing and was surprised to find it different from what Jin Guangyao had been playing for Da-ge. We talked about it, he shared the melody he remembers with me, and if you let me share it with you, you will surely agree that…”

“Well, that was the second news we wanted to discuss today,” Lan Xiaofan said. “Nie Mingjue has apparently found his brother conspiring against his life and imprisoned him.”

Lan Xichen’s blood turned to ice.

“That’s impossible,” he whispered, the words difficult to even get out. “Huaisang was just… and Da-ge trusts him. He knows Huaisang would never hurt him!”

“Nie Mingjue is unstable, and his brother was a little too fond of that Guangyao before this incident. Not to mention it could be that if there was an assassination attempt, might it not make more sense indeed if it came from within? They’re only half brothers, let’s not forget that. Nie Huaisang could easily have gotten involved into a coup against his brother, only to try and blame it on the Jins. But in the end, if they are torn apart it is no concern of ours.”

It was certainly Lan Xichen’s concern. He knew with the greatest certainty that Nie Huaisang would never do anything that might harm his brother, and it was something Nie Mingjue himself had professed more than once. Whenever he’d complained about his brother’s perceived failings as a cultivator and clan heir, he would always balance it out by saying that at least Nie Huaisang was loyal, and they that they lived in a world where that quality was to be cherished.

Nie Huaisang couldn’t have betrayed his brother.

As to whether Nie Mingjue might believe that he had… Before this whole debacle started, Lan Xichen would have found that equally impossible to imagine. But he’d seen the flashes of terror in Nie Huaisang whenever he’d spoken of his brother during their secret meetings, his ever growing desperation to quickly heal Nie Mingjue. And then there had been the way Nie Huaisang had clung to him when Lan Xichen had said they both needed to head home, as if something about returning to the Unclean Realm terrified him.

“Surely this whole situation has become complex enough that it needs to be investigated,” Lan Xichen insisted. “We keep hearing different versions of events from different parties. Since we have announced ourselves to be neutral, then naturally we ought to…”

“Neutrality might no longer be the better course of action,” Lan Xiaofan said. “Not when a child’s life is at stake, and Nie Mingjue is as unpredictable as a wounded beast. The Jins have been patient with us thus far, but they will not be forgiving if anything happens to their sect leader's grandson."

"But we don't even know…"

"Lan zongzhu has made his opinion clear,” Lan Xiaofan cut him with a glare. “He may now stay silent as his elders discuss the situation with judgement unclouded by old preferences."

If it had only been him and those elders, Lan Xichen would not have let himself be silenced in that manner. Not again, not anymore. Not when his brother was out of their reach at last, while Nie Huaisang and Nie Mingjue’s lives appeared in greater danger than ever before. But Lan Qiren, who was seated nearest to him, grabbed his wrist and looked at him in a manner that said the time for a fight hadn't come yet.

It struck Lan Xichen as odd. His uncle had, up to that point, made it clear to him that he would support his nephew, should he try to go against the council's wishes. He had promised he would find ways to keep Lan Wangji out of harm's way, at the cost of his own safety if need be. Lan Qiren had also been quite clear that out of the two sect leaders in conflict, he had always found Nie Mingjue to be the more honest one and could not imagine why that would have changed.

If his uncle suddenly no longer wished for direct opposition, he had to have his reasons. So Lan Xichen, with great effort, kept silent as old men discussed matters for which they refused to hear all the facts. It did not come as a surprise when, after wasting nearly all morning in useless arguments, they decided to remain neutral.

Unsurprising, but somehow disappointing. Had they sided with the Jins, Lan Xichen could have pretended a fit of anger and left to finally act as his conscience dictated. Instead, he would have to come up with a new plan to help his friend and his beloved.

As the council disbanded for the day, Lan Xichen started walking toward the Hanshi, wishing for a chance to be alone and think his next move. Before he had taken two steps, Lan Qiren grabbed him by the elbow and started pulling him in another direction, away from most buildings.

"Let's go for a walk," Lan Qiren ordered as they passed by the elders. "I have a few things to say about your behaviour earlier."

Tempting as it was to refuse, Lan Xichen obediently followed, and tried to appear contrite at the perspective of a scolding. They walked together in silence, leaving behind the heart of the Cloud Recesses. The path had a certain familiarity to it, but Lan Xichen was so preoccupied that did not realise where they were headed until a small house came into view, isolated and surrounded by gentians.

Lan Xichen slowed, staring at his mother’s prison.

A terrifying thought immediately crossed his mind, about Wangji being caught, or getting wounded and being forced to secretly return to the Cloud Recesses, relying on their uncle to hide him. That house had sat untouched for years, young disciples avoided it if possible, elders behaved as if it didn't exist. Lan Wangji had been the only one to regularly come there to ensure it didn't fall in disrepair before his punishment, sometimes dragging Lan Xichen with him. Lan Qiren, certainly, had no love for that house, and wouldn't have come there unless forced.

"Do we have a guest, uncle?" Lan Xichen asked in an unsteady voice.

"Something of the sort. A visitor the elders need not know of."

Now in a near panic, Lan Xichen quickly made his way to the house, and opened the door without knocking. The house being small, there was only the one room, and nowhere to hide, so Lan Xichen could not have missed the sight of a young man seated on the bed. A young man who wasn’t Lan Wangji. In fact, it might have been generous to even call him a man when he could hardly be more than fourteen or fifteen, or more likely younger and just tall for his age.

The teenager looked away from the book he was reading, and his face was one that Lan Xichen had seen before, though not one he would have paid much attention to. If not for the bright yellow robes he wore, embroidered with a peony, Lan Xichen might not have guessed so quickly who he was.

“Xuanyu?” Lan Xichen gasped, before his eyes fell on the toddler currently napping on the teenager’s lap. “And is that Jin Ling?”

Mo Xuanyu grimaced and glanced at Lan Qiren who made a gesture his nephew didn’t quite see, all his attention being turned on Jin Ling.

“Well, you got one out of two right,” Mo Xuanyu announced with a smile that seemed familiar, though it did not belong on that face. “Not that I’d expect anyone to guess. Even Lan-xiansheng took some convincing, but I was able to share some details that only I would have known, so he…”

“Oh no,” Lan Xichen said, seized by a horrible doubt. It made no sense, except in the way that everything was such a mess lately, and kept getting worse and worse. “Oh no,” he repeated, pressing a hand to his mouth. “Wei Wuxian?”

Mo Xuanyu’s sheepish smile was an answer, but not the one Lan Xichen would have preferred to get.

#xisang #lan xichen #lan qiren #and others #mo dao zu shi #mdzs #forbidden romance au #I have an ending planned for this but I need to think up what comes in the middle lol #jau writes

37 notes · View notes

meltingheartsandcores · 3 years

Text

I’m tired, I should be studying, instead I wrote this little ficlet that should probably be the prologue to an actual fic that I might get around to writing (fingers crossed).

We have Immortals, modern sects, and porn. Not entirely sure how else to explain it except none of those are explicit, lol.

Hope you enjoy the product of my mildly sleep deprieved brain!

Being invited to have tea with Zewu-Jun was a high honor, despite the immortal seemingly trying to downplay it as much as he possibly could. However, Nie Mingjue isn’t entirely sure what he’s done to earn the honor. It’s been a long time since either Twin Jade was the Sect Leader, Nie Mingjue has spoken with the current Sect Leader Lan Tengfei infrequently over the years when their sect business intermingled or there was a conference, but he wasn’t particularly close to the Lan Sect. And the Twin Jades enjoy their privacy. Enough so that there’s not a single photograph of either of them out there.

So it was very startingly to get the invitation.

Zewu-Jun treating him like an equal and friend is equally startling.

Somehow, not the most startling thing to happen on the trip. No, that would be the portrait of Wei Wuxian. Nie Huaisang’s husband. He thinks. Nie Mingjue isn’t actually sure if they’re married or just act like it. Although, knowing them, that’s how they want everyone to think.

Still, the clearly very old portrait of Wei Wuxian was a little disturbing. Especially with the name below being Wei Wuxian’s, correct characters and all. Even more so after Zewu-Jun noticed him staring at it and decides to give him some utterly terrible information.

“My brother’s husband, from his first life.” Oh. It was that Wei Wuxian. Yiling Lazou Wei Wuxian.

How is this getting worse?

“Oh?” Because screaming was undignified and not something to be done in front of immortals. Later. In his car. And then he’s calling Nie Huaisang to yell at him because of course his brother just had to shake up with the immortals husband. Maybe. Maybe it’s just a massive coincidence. (Nie Mingjue’s luck is never good enough for coincidences.)

“Yes, after the resurrection his core was never strong enough to cultivate immortality. When Wangji realized it, he tried to stop his own cultivation, but it was too late. Wuxian lasted nearly two hundred years, and not a day goes by that Wangji doesn’t miss him.” Oh, Zewu-Jun was sad. Nothing Nie Mingjue can say will make him not sad. In fact, he’s pretty sure anything close to the truth of what Wei Wuxian is doing now will just upset him. “The juniors find it, romantic, that he’s decided to wait for Wuxian to be reincarnated.”

Well. It does sound romantic.

But Zewu-Jun’s face, he’s irritated and upset, so clearly he doesn’t agree with the juniors. It sounds romantic, but the reality, “He must be very lonely.” Nie Mingjue guesses.

Zewu-Jun nods, “We have each other, but we were the only ones from our generation to cultivate immortality. There are many people we miss, and as time seperates us further from the present, it’s harder to connect with the new disciples.” Zewu-Jun admits. Nie Mingjue nods, he’s never considered that. How isolating it must be to have lived so long. The Nie clan, doesn’t really get immortals. Honestly, they’re lucky if they hit a hundred. Most top out at eighty due to their cultivation style.

“How would he know, that he’s been reincarnated? I mean, I think Huaisang’s said some things about faces getting reused due to limited genetics and the growing population.” Actually Wei Wuxian said that. Something to that effect at least. Nie Huaisang was better with people and manipulating situations. He does really well running the business side of the Nie Sect. Even if he refuses to accept any credit.

Zewu-Jun smiles a little sadly, “Well, I suppose we’ll know when we see him. Pictures work well enough, as we’re learning. We’ve found a few people who we knew in our first lives reincarnated.”

Nie Mingjue nods, he should tell Zewu-Jun. He really should. Maybe it’s just a look alike. Unlikely. Nie Mingjue’s never that lucky. Nie Mingjue’s started to pull his phone out of his pocket before remembering his manners and asking while holding it in front of himself, “Uh, do you mind if I?” Zewu-Jun furrows his brow but gestures for him to continue. Nie Mingjue nods and opens his phone, scrolling through the pictures Nie Huaisang had sent him. Not for the first time, he really wished Nie Huaisang wouldn’t send so many half-naked or fully-naked pictures of Wei Wuxian to him. Thankfully, it was not all Nie Huaisang sent to him, so he did come across a picture of a fully dressed Wei Wuxian. Nie Huaisang was also there, but they weren’t doing anything. Nie Huaisang had snapped it while they were out walking and Nie Mingjue had wanted to know where the fuck Nie Huaisang had gone at one am. “Just, uh, he seemed familiar.” Nie Mingjue explains, turning the phone around to show Zewu-Jun.

Zewu-Jun blinks then reaches out, hesitating a moment before taking Nie Mingjue’s phone. “That. Is definitely Wei Wuxian.” Zewu-Jun states, and then he starts touching the screen, which makes Nie Mingjue very nervous and uncomfortable. Because Nie Huaisang sends him very questionable pictures. Nie Mingjue is happy his brother is comfortable with his body, he just wishes he wouldn’t text him explicit pictures of his maybe-boyfriend that sometimes also have him naked in them. Nie Huaisang has always like pushing Nie Mingjue’s boundaries, and honestly, Nie Mingjue would rather he be pushing this one than certain other ones. Still. It makes him nervous when Zewu-Jun taps his phone and his eyes blow wide.

Yeah. That’s not good.

Zewu-Jun blinks and regains his composure, handing the phone back, “May I ask how you know him?”

“...How honest do you want me to be?” Nie Mingjue asks, shutting off his phone and pocketing it without looking at whatever Zewu-Jun saw. He’d like to be able to keep looking Zewu-Jun in the eye for this conversation.

Zewu-Jun raises an eyebrow, almost admonishingly, “As honest as possible. You don’t seem to type to beat around the bush.”

He wasn’t. He just really didn’t want to tell Zewu-Jun what Nie Huaisang and Wei Wuxian get up to.

“He works with my brother.” Nie Mingjue states vaguely, earning another raised eyebrow from Zewu-Jun.

“Is he a cultivator?”

“Used to be. He had a big falling out with the Jiang a few years back and kind of stopped.” Nie Mingjue shrugs, “He doesn’t talk about it.” All he knew about it was rumour. And the Lans don’t do rumours.

“Ah. So what work does he do with Huaisang?”

...Did he tell Zewu-Jun his brothers name? Nie Huaisang is almost as unknown to the world as the Twin Jades. Purposefully so. The Nie have always been rather private with their members, but when Nie Huaisang was old enough to have an opinion on a public presence and vehemently deny having one, nothing about him was released to the public. Not even other cultivation sects as Nie Huaisang wasn’t a practicing cultivator. He trained. As he was supposed to. But he didn’t do any night hunts. He had no connection to Nie Mingjue on the business end of the Sect either.

So, what?

“How do you know his name?” Nie Mingjue asks, making Zewu-Jun blink in plain confusion. “Huaisang’s name isn’t known to anyone outside the Nie sect. Not in connection to me.” Nie Mingjue states, now a little angry. Did someone tell Zewu-Jun? Who? How? Why would he even care about Huaisang?

“He’s in your phone.” Zewu-Jun states simply.

And that’d be a fine answer.

If Nie Huaisang was ‘Huaisang’ in his phone.

But he wasn’t.

He was Reuben. Courtesy of Wei Wuxian. (Wei Wuxian was ‘Stitch’, no Nie Mingjue didn’t understand the names and he didn’t really want to. He’s mostly worried it’s a weird sex thing and he prefers to be as ignorant as possible in that aspect.)

“I thought Lan’s don’t lie.” Although, Zewu-Jun wasn’t, technically, lying.

But he doesn’t deny it. “Could we sit?” Zewu-Jun suggests, gesturing to the table that had been set up for them. Nie Mingjue nods and sits opposite to Zewu-Jun, pouring them some tea. “I apologize for the deception, however I’ve never actually done this before.” He better not be suggesting what Nie Mingjue thinks he’s suggesting. “In the recent past, when we’ve discovered our reincarnated friends, we’ve more or less left them alone.” Oh. Good. He’s not being propositioned.

Wait.

What?

Nie Mingjue blinks, now thoroughly caught off guard, “Um. What.”

Zewu-Jun smiles gently, understandingly, “Due to certain aspects of your previous life, I felt the need to check in on you, make sure you were doing well. I, well, I assumed your family was the same. Hence, why I know Huaisang’s name despite you keeping him rather off the grid.”

“He’s not off the grid. He just has no public connection to me.” Nie Huaisang was almost constantly online. Especially with his ‘job’.

“Ah. So, what work does he and Wei Wuxian do?” Zewu-Jun asks before taking a drink of his tea.

Nie Mingjue considers what he knows about the Lan, and then realizes he really doesn’t want to have this conversation. Luckily for him (or unluckily most of the time), he can just show Zewu-Jun on his phone. “Um, you might want to put that down.” Nie Mingjue suggests, pulling out his phone and turning it on, quickly going to the app Nie Huaisang downloaded on his phone that he never goes on, and opens it up to Nie Huaisang and Wei Wuxian’s account. Sliding it across the table as Zewu-Jun dubiously puts down his teacup.

Zewu-Jun blinks, then sighs, “I can’t say, I’m particularly surprised with Wei Wuxian’s career choice.”

“...Seriously.”

“You did not hear them. I’m aware of the publics perception of us, particularly Wangji, but trust me. He’s not nearly as prudish as people seem to think.” Zewu-Jun states, sliding the phone back with a rueful smile and a familiar look.

Nie Mingjue exits out of the app before shutting off and pocketing his phone. He knew that look. The look of an elder brother who really didn’t need to know so much about their younger brother’s sex life. He knew that look well. “Right. Speaking of Hanguang-Jun, how would he react?”

Zewu-Jun purses his lips. “I can’t say he’ll be particularly favourable. Wangji’s always been quite, possessive.”

“Wei Wuxian is persuasive. I’m kind of curious as to who would falter first.” Nie Mingjue snorts, picking up his own cup of tea. It was good tea.

Zewu-Jun’s eyebrows were furrowed, “I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you mean.”

“Wuxian’s not going give up his livelyhood. He enjoys it. Even if he falls back in love with Hanguang-Jun, I’m not sure he’ll quit it.” Nie Mingjue states, shaking his head. It was an understatement. Wei Wuxian loves his job. As he so often gushes. Nie Mingjue’s honestly just happy Wei Wuxian doesn’t give him details.

Zewu-Jun slowly nods, understanding dawning, “You think Wei-gongzi will convince Wangji to do porn.” Zewu-Jun winces, “I, hate that I cannot say it’s out of the realm of possibilities.”

Nie Mingjue snorts and then smirks, “Ah, Zewu-Jun, how about a friendly bet?”

Zewu-Jun’s brows pinch slightly, eye narrowing, before he smirks, “Only if you call me Lan Xichen.”

Ohhhkay. Zewu-Jun had said to at the beginning of their meeting, but Nie Mingjue had honestly kind of ignored it. Immortals are a big deal. But then again. He was about to gamble with one. “Ok, Lan Xichen, why don’t we make a bet in favour of our, brothers.” Nie Mingjue isn’t entirely sure what else to refer to them as. If Nie Huaisang was married, then technically Wei Wuxian would be his brother. If they’re not, he might as well be at this point either way.

“Are Huaisang and Wuxian married?” Lan Xichen cuts in, confused.

“I’m not entirely sure. Maybe. Not important.” Nie Mingjue shakes his head, “If Hanguang-Jun manages to convince Wei Wuxian to quit his work, you win, and if Wei Wuxian manages to convince Hanguang-Jun to do porn, I win.”

Lan Xichen nods, smiling with interest, “And what are we betting?”

Nie Mingjue smirks, this was going to be fun.

#Lan Xichen #Nie Mingjue #implied sangxian #implied previous wangxian #lxc #nmj #cql #The names in Mingjue’s phone are not a sex thing #It’s just the characters from Lilo and Stitch #They’re not that mean to nmj #My writing

20 notes · View notes

disgruntledspacedad · 3 years

Text

I think I just had a massive paradigm shift.

So, we all kind of understand that humans have this constant need for validation. We all like to pretend we don’t, to brush this need beneath the rug and carry on with our bullshit like each of us aren’t screaming to be acknowledged.

To be seen.

To be known.

Guys, I think this is part of what love is. To be loved is to be known. It’s to be acknowledged at the most intimate level and validated at our core. And sometimes, I think that I am so caught up in my need to be seen, or more likely, the fact that my deepest fear is that this need will not be met - rejection, isolation, and preemptive retaliation - that I close myself off from the ability to see others.

Let me try to give you an example. Trigger warning for mentions of guns (hunting rifles), deer hunting, mental health, and suicide.

Yes, this is another Dead Dad post.

Today, I was going through some backlogged emails. With all of my life bullshit, I had let the inbox get a little cluttered, and it was time to clean house.

I stumbled across an email from Dad. He’d sent it two weeks before he died. The subject was, “My Life, My Lot.”

Listen, if you think I am melodramatic... lol, the genetics are strong here, okay?

Okay.

I opened it, and guys, my Dad had documented his entire life story. I won’t go into details, but there were so many things written there that I didn’t know about him. I’ll be honest, I had a little breakdown and couldn’t finish reading it. Not today. Today is his birthday, actually, and the universe just dropped this very painful, very beautiful gift in my lap.

It brought me back to a phone conversation that we’d had before he died. He’d been bitching about his group therapy class, about how the projects were silly and the questions were shallow. “Fuck a therapist,” I remember him saying very vehemently. He did mention to me, though, that his therapist had suggested writing about his struggles. He was reluctant, naturally. Dad was always very reluctant about ideas that weren’t his own.

I was deep in my Better Love shit by this point, and he only brought it up because he knew I was “a writer.” I jumped on this. “It might be good for you,” I told him. “It might help you. Sure as fuck helps me.”

The next time we spoke, the next day, he was actually pretty excited, a tone that I had long since only associated with opiates. I was skeptical - what are they medicating him with now? I wondered. I only half listened as he began to tell me about his group session.

Guys, he had written some of his story, and he’d read it aloud in group.

I perked up at this. “What did they say?”

Apparently they loved it. I was proud of him. I asked him to read it to me, and he started to.

Guys, it was incredible. My Dad could really turn a phrase, and I’d never known this about him. His use of imagery and metaphor really shocked me. I was impressed and I told him so. “That makes me feel really good, to hear you say that,” he said.

Looking back, that’s the most validation I ever received from my Dad. The fact that he considered me a writer, and that my opinion mattered to him. Fuck, that sounds so small, but it’s not.

In that moment, he saw me.

And more telling still, it was probably the last time he ever received any from me. His allotted phone call time was coming to a close, and I encouraged him to continue writing.

“You think I should?”

I really do, Dad. I want to read it.

He sent me that email, and I fucking missed it, guys. That’s not even the point of this post, though. Sometimes, life catches you by the throat and you just miss things.

The point is in the knowing.

There was one other time in the last year of Dad’s life that I saw him light up like that. I knew it was significant then, and its one of my most precious memories now.

Dad was a deer hunter. In the last five or so years of his life, he completely gave up on that (depression is a bitch that way), but since I finished school and moved back home, hunting was a childhood hobby that I picked back up with a lot of enthusiasm. I hunted from his place, because who buys a lease when Dad lives 30 minutes away? Duh.

Last fall, there was so much more urgency to opening weekend than buck fever. I knew, deep down, that this was the last season we’d have together. Things had been bad for a long time, but they were nearing unsustainable.

I knew that.

One evening, before I left, he was sitting in his chair. He did a lot of that, just sitting and staring into space. I glanced at the gun cabinet, and for some reason, I thought to ask, “Dad, tell me about your guns.”

I had to pull him to his feet, but guys, the way he lit up. He took each one out of the safe and started telling me when he bought it, the little tricks about which scope shoots kinda high and which one kicks like a bitch. How old he was, who he bought it from, memorable hunting experiences. Dad was an award winning taxidermist, so getting all of the old stories again, complete with props, was another gift.

I just watched him, guys. He was so present. Alive in a way I hadn’t seen him in years. He smelled like booze, but he was talking and smiling. Mom watched from the doorway, and I remember thinking very clearly to myself, Seal this moment in your mind. Pay attention. Dwell on it. Cherish it. It’s important.

That night, I validated my dad. I asked to know him, and I saw him.

Even if I didn’t recognize it then, that was an act of love to the deepest degree. Love in the only way a dying man could accept, and love that the only way a jaded daughter knew to give.

If I can take away a single life lesson from my father’s suicide, I hope it’s this:

I hope it’s that I learn to see people.

Not just to reciprocate good feelings when good feelings are received. That’s nice, but that’s not love.

Not just to go about my life with my head down, so wrapped in my own bullshit that I forget that other people even exist. Object permanence is a concept that even adult Jay struggles with, much to her detriment.

Not to be so stuck on my own fears that I miss that everyone around me shares them. True connection requires that first, we are opened. And to be open is to be vulnerable.

Not just to seek my own validation, but to also validate you.

I don't know, guys, I’m tired and emotional and just rambling now.

But this feels important, okay?

#tw: suicide #about jay #mental health stuff #jay rambles about love and other things she doesn't really understand #if you read all of this you are a saint or probably just as crazy as i am #will probably delete later #tw: guns #but not related to the suicide it's not like that #story time with jay

34 notes · View notes

softyoongiionly · 4 years

Text

NSFW A-Z List (Mama Mia! Jungkook)

***This contains smut, 18+ only please***

“Aqua told me you all had some questions for me so, I had my assistant fax me the prompt and, I’m really hoping she didn’t read it because, these are filthy ha. I hope you all enjoy yourselves.”

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex):

“It kind of depends on the situation but, if I just had sex, I’m in a good mood. If Y/N and I are in the bed, I make sure I change the sheets and, I make sure she’s cleaned up and, feeling good too. Sometimes we like to talk about it. A bit of pillow talk is always great. PILLOWW TALK! Do you guys remember that song by that one dude in one direction? Great song. It’s like he left one direction and, immediately needed to say the word fuck and sing about sex.”

B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s):

“This is a weird question. I like my abs? I guess? I mean I spent like a million hours in the gym trying to tone up and stuff so, it’s definitely the only thing that stands out.”

“Y/N is the by far the most beautiful woman on the planet so, it’s a little hard to pin point one specific part of her I like the most. If I had to choose, I would say her eyes. Sometimes she looks at me and, I suddenly forget all three languages I speak. She takes my breath away. Literally, who is she looking at like that? Me? Does she value my life at all? Is she trying to kill me? Probably. I love her :-)”

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person):

“Cum...I don’t really know what I’m supposed to talk about in this section so, I’m just gonna say- yes?? Is that the right answer?”

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self-explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs):

“One time, when Y/N was away on business, I jerked off so much in one day, I sprained my hand. I guess that isn’t dirty but, it is embarrassing. I’d probably do it again though, I’m so spoiled that I forgot what’s its like to go without sex.”

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?):

“Yikes this question is a little hard for me to answer. Before meeting Y/N, I had a lot of different partners. After finding out my half-brother tried to steal my recipe, I got really down on myself. I felt really empty and, I spent a lot of time partying and, hooking up with random people. I don’t really know how many if I’m being honest. It was a lot though. After awhile I kind of snapped out of it and, realized I needed to deal with my issues head on so, after a bit of therapy, I was doing a lot better. Sexually, I’ve had a lot of experience but, intimacy? That’s a lot newer for me. And let me tell you my dudes, nothing is sexier than being with someone who truly loves and cares for you. I don’t make the rules.”

F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual):

“Missionary. Listen, I know it’s a boring answer but, I’m a sucker for passion what can I say? I like watching her face and, seeing all the little expressions she makes, especially right when I first push inside of her. Also, it’s the best position for her to scratch up my back and, I really love when she does that.”

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc):

“I don’t really find a lot of things to laugh about during sex but, I’m sure it’s happened at some point. Sex is kind of a serious thing for me now but, I wouldn’t stay serious if something funny happened because, sometimes funny things do happen. When they do, we laugh but, then I’m right back in the moment again. Y/N and I mess around a lot in our daily lives so, I like to use sex as a way to show her how serious I am about her and, our relationship.”

H = Hair (How well-groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.):

“I got laser hair removal like 3 years ago. Yes, it’s possible to get it done in sensitive areas but, it’s crazy expensive. Or so I’ve heard, I’m not gonna lie to you, my idea of expensive and, other people’s idea of expensive are probably a little different. But yeah, I got it all lasered off so, it doesn’t really grow there anymore. I keep my face shaved too but, my arms and legs are free to grow all the hair they want.”

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…):

“With Y/N, I’m a little bit of a hopeless romantic, I can’t lie. I love all of that cheesy shit. Rose petals on the bed? Yes. Wine and chocolate on the shores of our private beach? At least twice a week. Leaving Y/N little post it notes all over our villa that contain all the things I love about her? Duh. I AM A SAP. I AM A MESS. I can’t help myself. My father collects first edition classic novels and, for Valentine’s Day, I had him send me the contact of his distributor so, I could buy Y/N the first edition of The Princess Bride. It’s one of her favorites. It was only $1,400 so, I definitely got a good deal. I also had a custom gown imported from France and, a prince-like outfit made for me. What do princes even wear? What is that called? Tights? I don’t know but, I looked like a goddamn Disney prince by the time I was done getting ready. I rented a different villa out for the weekend and, my interior designer decorated it like a medieval castle. We spent the weekend playing prince and princess and, it was probably one of the best weekends of my life. So to answer your question: Yes, I am romantic.”

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon):

“I only really touch myself when Y/N is away. Her and I have a pretty consistent sex life so, we have sex almost every day, sometimes multiple times a day. I don’t really have a need for it anymore and, it doesn’t feel nearly as good as sex with Y/N.”

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks):

“I have a few. I’m really sensitive to smells so, if Y/N smells good, I can’t keep my hands off of her. She has this one perfume from Gucci that I love so much. I can get hard just from the smell; it’s kind of pathetic honestly. I love having sex outside too. It’s a good thing we have a private strip of the beach because, if we had neighbors nearby, they would hate us ha. I have a cashmere picnic blanket that we take down there a few times a week and, we always end up making love on it. Yes, I said making love. Get over it. Oh and, if Y/N says anything about my muscles or how strong I am? Instant turn on. I think I have a praise kink? Is that what it’s called? I love Y/N’s panties too. Lace, silk, cotton, clean or dirty; I don’t discriminate, just put them in my mouth. Lol, this is getting dirty…sorry Aqua.”

L = Location (Favourite places to do the do):

“I already kind of answered this but, sex on the beach or sex on our balcony are probably my top two.”

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going):

“I feel like I answered this one too because, I just talked about my kinks but, I would say my motivation is to get my girl off right? I get off easily. I have a beautiful woman all over me, saying dirty things in my ear… I mean, my orgasm is guaranteed. Y/N doesn’t take a long time to cum anymore because; I know how to please my woman but, I still want her to feel good. I want to see her let go and, let someone else take care of her for a change. She works so hard. I want to show her what a good woman she is. I want to show her how much I love her.”

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs):

“Threesomes, anal and, I’m pretty sure this is everyone’s answer but, bodily fluids belong in the toilet.”

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc):

“Yes.”

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? Etc.):

“Both. Sometimes I want to draw it out and, let her feel every inch of me but, sometimes I want to fuck so hard we are both sore the next day. It’s all amazing either way.”

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.):

“I love quickies. They are great in the afternoon when she and I have things to do but, we still want each other. They would get old after a while though so, we usually do both. It’s very rare that we just have a quickie and, nothing else but, sometimes it happens. Ever since we moved to Greece, we try to always make time for each other but, we both get busy from time to time.”

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.):

“I’m game to experiment a little bit but, Y/N and I have been together awhile. We’ve tried a few different things but, sex with her is so amazing, I don’t feel the need to experiment that much anymore.”

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…):

“I can last forever if I need to. Like I said, my orgasm is an easy thing to obtain with a woman like Y/N so, my focus is making sure she’s feeling it too. I can go for multiple rounds too, I mean it’s hard not to. Have you seen her? We have sex all night sometimes. I hope she finishes her conference call soon, I’m really starting to miss her…”

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?):

“Y/N owns a very tasteful collection of dildos made out of rose quartz and jade. I use them on her sometimes between rounds but, I don’t know how often she uses them beyond that. I don’t own any toys but, I do spend quite a bit of money on new lingerie for Y/N. She has an entire armoire for all of her outfits. Oh, we have gold handcuffs too. We take turns using them on each other.”

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease):

“Y/N has a really sensitive spot on her neck and, she’s really tender around her waist so, sometimes I come up beyond her and, brush my lips against her throat and, tickle her. She’s told me it turns her on immediately so, I like to play with her a little bit. We both tease each other a lot though, especially during phone meetings. One time, I was on a 4 way call with my investors and, she sucked my dick through the entire thing. I thought I was gonna have a heart attack but, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t cum a little harder that time. Maybe that’s another kink of mine…”

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make):

“We live on a private piece of land so; we can be as loud as we want. I’m only loud when things are getting intense but, even still I’m not screaming at the top of my lungs. She isn’t crazy loud either but, I do try my hardest to get her to scream my name every now and again. Just for fun.”

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice):

“Y/N and I are in the process of buying an island in the Caribbean and, sometimes I get turned on when she talks about how much money we both have. I’m sorry, I know it’s a dick move but, it’s the truth. I donate millions to charity every year, I swear.”

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words):

“I’m like 7 inches I think? When I’m hard it’s probably like 8 or 9. I’m not sharing any more than that ha.”

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?):

“Pretty high. Unless I’m really sick or really busy.”

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards):

“If we’ve been going for multiple rounds, I’m pretty exhausted by the end of it but, I don’t just fall asleep. I don’t want to leave the bed afterwards though. I just want to cuddle with Y/N until we both pass out. If it’s during the day and, we’ve only gone once or twice, I’m not tired at all.”

“Aqua wanted me to dedicate this to @gldnrecs and, @bulletproofbirdy. She says you guys are the best and, apparently you have a sweet spot for me. So, I guess I’ll dedicate this to you too ha. I hope you liked it.”

#jungkook smut #bts smut #jungkook #bts jungkook #mama mia!#A-Z: Mama Mia! Jungkook #smutcentralnet #bts scenarios #bts reactions

732 notes · View notes

callmebrycelee · 4 years

Text

Album Review: Confetti by Little Mix

During one of the bleakest years in human history, Little Mix has delivered us pure joy and happiness in the form of their sixth studio album: CONFETTI. I became a fan of Little Mix, a Mixer is what we’re called, a few years ago when I clicked on one of my coworker’s Spotify playlists. The first song of theirs I can recall listening to is “F.U.” from their fourth album Glory Days. After looking up their other albums I then ventured over to YouTube so I could watch a few of their music videos. I instantly fell in love with the choreo-heavy “Touch” and the slumber party-themed “Hair”. I then started looking at their live performances and I was blown away. For me, Little Mix is everything I ever wanted out of Fifth Harmony. Now before I get some hate, Fifth Harmony is/was a great pop group and without them we wouldn’t have Normani, but whereas some of the girls in Fifth Harmony are/were more vocally talented than others, each of the members of Little Mix - Jade, Jesy, Leigh-Anne and Perrie - have amazing voices and those voices blend together so perfectly.

I’m so glad I discovered Little Mix when I did because it gave me enough time to binge their albums, music videos and live performances just in time for their fifth studio album LM5 to drop. If I had to rank the albums prior to CONFETTI, LM5 would definitely be at the top of my list. Realistically-speaking, the album didn’t perform as well as their other albums but the album is damn near perfect in my opinion. I then later learned the girls were going through a separation with their then-record label Syco which is a major factor in why the album didn’t perform as well as it could.

CONFETTI is Little Mix’s first album since leaving Syco so many of us were very much looking forward to what the girls were going to deliver without having Simon Cowell standing on their neck. Our first taste of a newly emancipated Little Mix came in the form of the 80′s-inspired “Break Up Song”. They released their second single “Holiday” in the middle of the summer and their third single “Sweet Melody” was released a few weeks ahead of the album’s November 6 release. Being in the United States, I stayed up past midnight so I can listen to the album and since it’s release it’s been in heavy rotation on Spotify. I thought it would be fun to review the album and rate each of the tracks. There are 13 tracks on CONFETTI and I will be giving my thoughts on each track as well as a score based on a scale of 10. For those of you reading this, keep in mind, I am one of way too many Little Mix fans to count so if there are tracks that you like that I do not rate as high, just remember this is my opinion so forgive me, HAHA. Without further ado, here’s my review of CONFETTI:

BREAK UP SONG: The first track on the album is also the album’s first single. Break Up Song is not only a total vibe, it’s a total 80s vibe. I was delightfully surprised when Little Mix released this song earlier this year. I love that this song is yet another reminder of just how freakin’ talented these ladies are. My favorite part of the track is Jade’s bridge towards the end of the song. The song is bright and fun and I simply cannot resist busting out some serious 80s dance moves every time the song comes on. Rating: 10/10

HOLIDAY: While Break Up Song gives up 80s pop vibes, Holiday sticks its toes in the contemporary pop pool. It makes sense that this song was released smack dab in the middle of the summer because it is the perfect summer jam. I especially love the accompanying music video which features the girls luxuriating in a spa somewhere on the moon or maybe Mars. It’s sugary and sweet and just like Break Up Song it’s one of those songs you can’t resist dancing to. It should be noted Holiday is the second single off of CONFETTI and it is one of my top 3 favorite tracks off the album. Rating: 10/10

SWEET MELODY: When I first heard the reggaeton-infused Sweet Melody, my initial reaction was meh. Thank God I listened to the song again ... and again ... and again ... because on the second, third and fourth listening, I realized just how truly epic this song is. The lyrics are quite brilliant with my favorite being the Perrie-led second verse: “He would lie, he would cheat, over syncopated beats.” Not only is the song a banger, the music video is one of the best visuals Little Mix has ever released. The choreography is fire and you can tell they put their blood, sweat, tears and spinal cord into their dancing. Sweet Melody is my favorite track on CONFETTI. Rating: 10/10

CONFETTI: Prior to the release of CONFETTI, this track was made available. This song gives me late-90s/early-2000s R&B vibes and I quite enjoy it. It doesn’t hit as nearly as hard as Sweet Melody but this is yet another song I can picture being played in a club. If Little Mix releases any more singles from this album, which I believe they should, I think Confetti is a strong contender. I imagine the music video will be very heavy on the choreo. Rating: 9/10

HAPPINESS: Category Is: Songs That Could Have Been Released By Britney Spears in the Early 2000s. Happiness is yet another track that was released ahead of the album. Unlike the first three tracks of the album which are very much songs about relationships, past and present, Happiness is the self-empowerment anthem we never knew we needed, especially in the year of our Lord 2020. Happiness is a splashy pop song but it doesn’t elicit the strong emotions I felt when listening to Break Up Song or Sweet Melody. Rating: 9/10

NOT A PROP SONG: One of the things I like about Little Mix is every so often they’ll release an acoustic version of their popular songs, i.e., Black Magic, Touch, Holiday. This song is acoustic rock and it is not a sound I was ever expecting from Little Mix. If there was a sequel to National Manthem, it would be Not a Pop Song. I like to think of this as Little Mix’s emancipation proclamation after fleeing the clutches of one Simon Cowell. My favorite lyric from the song is in the chorus: “No more singing songs bout breaking my heart or my lonely nights dancing in the dark.” I absolutely adore this song and it gives me early Kelly Clarkson vibes. Rating: 10/10

NOTHING BUT MY FEELINGS: This song from beginning to end is an absolute treat. I love how lowkey the song starts off and after the chorus, you assume the song is going to keep amping up but at the start of the second verse it goes back to being lowkey again. I love a song that keeps me guessing. I especially love the theme of the song, the struggle of wanting to keep things super casual with someone when deep down you are developing strong feelings for them even though you know you shouldn’t. If there was any doubt the ladies of Little Mix are not grown, this is proof. Rating: 9/10

GLOVES UP: One thing I like doing whenever a new album by one of my favorite artists is released is heading over to YouTube and watching people’s reaction the albums. It seem likes Gloves Up is a favorite off of this album and I just don’t get it. I don’t like to skip tracks, especially on Little Mix albums, but admittedly this is the one I’m tempted to skip when I’m listening to CONFETTI. I like the message but the song is a bit cliché. I hope that repeatedly listening of this track will make me like it, especially since I have a very strong feeling this is going to end up being a single. Rating: 6/10

A MESS (HAPPY 4 U): If Break Up Song had a sequel it would be this track. I love the lyrics and I love the instrumentation. It’s a gorgeous track and again something unexpected from Little Mix. I love Jade’s falsetto on this track. Rating: 9/10

MY LOVE WON’T LET YOU DOWN: I feel like in addition to giving us great dance bops, Little Mix also delivers when it comes to ballads. The gospel-tinged My Love Won’t Let You Down is absolutely gorgeous and will be the perfect closing song on one of their tours. There are Little Mix songs where I think, wow, I’d love to see what the music video would look like and then there are Little Mix songs where I think, wow, I’d love to see how they’d perform this. This track is definitely of the latter variety. All four of our queen’s vocals are on point. Rating: 10/10

RENDEZVOUS: Remember how I said there are three songs on this album that are my favorite? Sweet Melody is my fave track on the album and Rendezvous is my second-favorite. Rendezvous is sexy and sleek and reminds me of something Ciara would’ve released early on in her career. I also love that it samples the song Sway. I cannot wait to see how they perform this song on tour and I would love for this to be a future single because I would love to see Little Mix turn up the sex on one of their songs. This song reminds me of Notice for some reason from LM5. When Little Mix does sexy, the do sexy right! Rating: 10/10

IF YOU WANT MY LOVE: Like Gloves Up, If You Want My Love is another meh track on this album which sucks because it’s literally sandwiched between two perfect songs on the album. Perhaps this is another one I’ll have to keep listening to in hopes that it will grow on me. Right now I’m feeling pretty blasé about the track. Rating: 6/10

BREATHE: Yay! We get not just one ballad on CONFETTI but two! This is the perfect close to a pretty awesome Little Mix album. I’m happy to report the album ends as strong as it begins. Of the two ballads, I prefer My Love Won’t Let You Down but that shouldn’t suggest I don’t like this song. I love it and it’s another one I’d love to see performed live. Rating: 10/10

ALBUM OVERALL RATING: 9

#little mix #confetti #little mix confetti #break up song #not a pop song #sweet melody #nothing but my feelings #jade thirlwall #jesy nelson #leigh anne pinnock #perrie edwards #album review #lm5 #black magic #touch #gloves up #rendezvous

40 notes · View notes

king-paimon · 4 years

Text

HnK Chapter 91 thoughts/opinions: Jade’s a good gem and you can’t change my mind

Man...what a chapter. And it came early! Definitely a nice surprise I needed. And we all, myself include, owe Jade an apology. I think the majority of us expected Jade to go down in just one page but NOPE. He actually held his own pretty dang well and caused a lot of damage, and without a weapon, too! Even though he knew he wasn’t going to win, he still fought hard and even though this chapter was short, it was amazing. This fight was so intense and brutal; a lot more so than Bort vs. Dia to be honest. I like the parallels in this chapter, with Jade’s gut punch being similar to when he had to do the same back in chapter 39 when Phos was having his mental breakdown. The main differences, of course, being the circumstances. My, how these characters have changed so much.

(This got a pretty long. Sorry in advance. May edit later. Also, I give my opinion on certain things near the end so I wanted to give an additional heads up. I hope I don’t upset anyone. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and view of the characters and even if we don’t agree, I believe all opinions are valid.)

I knew that I was going to like and be saddened by this chapter but it was honestly a treat. But do you know what made it better? Because Ms. Haruko Ichikawa showed us all how Jade was one of the better gems.

I repeat: Jade was one of the better gems

I said it a few times before in previous posts that Jade was one of my favorite gems. Not only because I thought his personality was entertaining but because out of all of the Earth gems, as far as I saw, Jade was one of the ones that did the least bad to Phos. Even before his drastic change, I don’t remember too many instances were Jade actively put Phos down. When Phos got his new legs and didn’t remember Jade, I remember how devastated he was, even if it was just for comedy. Or when Jade had to shatter Phos during his mental breakdown, as mentioned above, Jade felt so guilty that he had to do that. So from my point of view, when it came interactions between Phos and Jade, they seemed very genuine and I believe Jade was one of the few gems that showed they cared about Phos, both before and after he started his transformation. And this chapter further cements how Jade was one of the better gems, from both the Earth and Moon factions, because he did one thing that none of the other gems at this point of the story ever did for Phos ever since they’ve gone to this point: Apologized.

Jade, so far, was the only one who truly apologized to Phos. Euclase never did that. Yes, Euclase was the one who tried to speak with Phos but he didn’t put much effort to do that or do anything of help to Phos. And even when he was at Phos’ mercy in the previous chapter, Euclase never attempted verbally acknowledge how he affected Phos. Jade, on the other hand, DID.

Instead of damning Phos with his remaining strength, he recognized how his actions ultimately contributed to Phos’s current state and gave an honest and truthful apology for not understanding Phos. And I think that was one of the things that Phos, as well as many of us readers, wanted deep down. And maybe it’s just me, but from Phos’s expression on that page as Jade crumbled, I think those words got to him...even though Phos quickly dismissed it in the next page. But still, Jade did something that none of the other gems have done for Phos: actually said he was sorry for not trying harder to understand Phos.

Would it have been better if this was said long ago? Absolutely. Does this excuse Jade’s, as well as the other Earth gem’s past behavior? No. Did Phos have to accept Jade’s apology? Of course not. But you know what? In my opinion, I still liked the fact that at least one of the gems recognize how badly they treated Phos, even it’s at the very end, and better late than never. It would’ve been better if the other gems did something like this but you take what you can get. And though it’s a shame that Phos ends up brushing Jade’s words off in the end, I can’t blame him. Also, on that note, DANG, some of you fans are so cut throat and dismissed Jade, too. I do get it though; Jade, along with the other Earth gems, left Phos for over 200 years, so I understand why some fans quickly dismiss his apology. And as mentioned above, it still doesn’t excuse what happened before. In my opinion though, considering everything that had happened before that incident, from the Earth gems’ point of view of Phos’s morally questionable actions, I can’t fully fault them for doing it. (I understand if you don’t agree with me.) And again, at least Jade still did something that the other gems never did. It may have been a small gesture that wouldn’t have changed Phos or the trajectory of the story, but the fact that Jade still said it and meant it speaks volumes, more so than anything Euclase or any of the Earth or Moon gems ever said to Phos in these recent chapters. For these reasons, those last pages were so heartbreaking in so many ways.

Also, I like the fact that Jade is connected to the heart chakra and represents acceptance and loving in Buddhism, which is very fitting to me.

(Opinionated mini rant here. Sorry that it isn’t coherent.)

So, yeah. Jade is great. A definite contender for being one of the best Earth gems when it comes to his relations to Phos. Heck, he’s even better than most of the Moon gems combined. Come at me. You know I’m right. Did the other Moon gems ever acknowledge how they contributed to Phos’s fall and show any remorse?? Better yet, did they ever honestly apologize for being shitty to Phos when he actually needed their support? No. They didn’t.

Dia never apologized for not helping Phos when he really needed it, or when Phos tried to be open with them and the other Moon gems after the first invasion plan failed; Dia just f-ed off and ignored him, and only went on this crusade when Phos threatened that he’d bring Bort. Alex showed very little remorse, too. Same with Benito, Ame, and Goshe; they were all having fun, doing their own thing when Phos was clearly needing some kind of support. Heck, I still remember the page when Phos was literally pouring his heart out and the other gems just go “Oh look! Goshe and Cairn’s on the TV. They look like they’re having fun!” Wow... okay guys. Thanks. Speaking of which, Cairn surely never apologized and probably never will at this point. I don’t know what to expect from this character anymore. I don’t hate them; I’m just disappointed.

I’m giving Yellow leeway cuz he’s in therapy and never got the chance to see Phos, which is probably for the best. Padparadscha also gets a pass. I think those two are the only Moon gems who actually show remorse for Phos’ misery, even though they never verbally say it. The rest of Moon gems? Nothing. Yeah, Phos told them to not recover him if his third visit failed but those gems didn’t show any concern for Phos’s well being when he left nor when he came back with his murderous mindset. Of course the Earth gems showed little remorse too. Euclase recognized how his actions affected Phos but did nothing in the very end to show true remorse. Only Jade did. So Jade gets extra brownie points for being the only decent gem to verbally acknowledging that he didn’t do right by Phos and apologize.

(Sorry about that. I do get annoyed when people praise the Moon gems and hate the Earth gems when really, they weren’t too different when it came to how they treated Phos. One group may have shattered Phos, but both contributed to his fall. But again, everyone is entitled to feel how they feel about these characters and though I disagree with fans who view the gems this way, I don’t blame them for viewing them this way. All views are valid. I’ll most likely change a few things here later. Maybe.)

Next chapter woes

Anyways, now we wait for the next chapter which...oooh, it’ll be a doozy. As always, I’m excited and scared because this story can go in so many directs but that last sentence on the last page... OH BOY. So many things are at stake. And the likeliness of Cinnabar becoming the 7th treasure continues to rise. Stay strong, Shinsha-stans.

What’ll happen? Only Ms. Ichikawa knows, that clever, sadistic monster. We’ll sadly have to wait very patiently and see. But I think we all know that whatever happens next is going to hurt so good.

And to add more sadness to the mix, from what I’m seeing in the tags, it looks like more and more people are starting to think the same thing as me about our dear, dear broken protagonist.

Phos’s happy ending, whatever that may entail, is getting less and less likely to happen. And we all know it’ll be because of Aechmea somehow. And that continues to be the saddest truth of this story.

#houseki no kuni #land of the lustrous #HNK #hnk spoilers #hnk spoiler #hnk chapter 91 #hnk phosphophyllite #hnk phos #evil phos #hnk jade #Hnk analysis #hnk thoughts #haruko ichikawa #you sadistic monster #different opinions

101 notes · View notes

animatedminds · 3 years

Text

Pixar’s Soul: Review and Reaction

The first sentence I’ve always used to describe Pete Docter and Pixar’s Soul since watching it has nothing to do with the plot. It’s instead is a starstruck comment about the music: the movie begins with a cover of a Duke Ellington classic - Mercer Ellington’s “Things Ain’t What they Used to Be.” It ends with a jazz rendition of a classic from several decades later - but still quite a bit in our past - Curtis Mayfield’s soul classic “It’s Alright.” On a personal level, this would say way more about Soul that most other descriptions of it might to get me to watch it - were I not the kind of person who was absolutely intent on watching the movie day one regardless. Though I am myself a few generations after either of those artists were around, their music has been a part of my life since I was a kid and are essential on any playlist in my opinion. Curtis Mayfield’s music, especially, deserves all the love in the world, and hearing by surprise someone cover his work in a Disney movie made my entire day - and it would have, even if the film weren’t the meaningful ride it is.

But before we get into all that, lets also look at those songs. “Things Aren’t What They Used To Be” is played a la a teacher and a higher school band class: the students are learning and a bit difficult to listen to, while the music-loving teacher cringes at the front. But the choice of song tells us a lot. It’s a jazz standard: which means when it comes to jazz, it’s one of the essentials - a tune every band learns to play, and every jazz fan has heard before. The teacher is a jazzman - you can probably guess who - and the whole time he’s listening to the song you can hear him wanting to sit down and make it sound as perfectly as he hears it in his head. Remember that analogy. Heck, when you watch or rewatch the movie, remember the mindset Joe - because that’s who that teacher is, Joe Gardner, is in for that whole teaching scene in the first place: and remember how important the desire to make things perfect is to the greater story the movie is trying to tell.

“Things Aren’t The Way They Used To Be,” indeed. By the end, you have to wonder: isn’t that the point? Now the second song. “It’s All Right” is a smooth number for dancing to - not frenetic and wild dancing, but more a slow jam sort of vibe. BUt it’s the lyrics that are the most befitting the themes of the movie. Like several of Curtis Mayfield’s tunes “It’s All Right” is an ear worm of an R&B number that’s actually about being a peace with yourself. “You’ve got soul” - ha, I get it - “and everybody knows, that it’s all right.” Or, to quote instead my favorite verse of the song (I did say Mayfield was one of my favorites): “when you wake up early in the morning feeling sad like so many of us do, hum a little soul, make life your goal, and surely something’s gonna come to you.” This is before the spoilery part of the review, but they could not have picked a better song for the movie’s themes if they wrote it themselves.

Soul, after all, is ultimately a movie about how the things we do, the things we love, even the things that define us and should make us feel good in and of themselves, can become a shackle that prevents us from feeling the things that we adopt them to feel. Dreams - especially dreams deferred - can consume us rather than uplift us, and sometimes in pursuing them we may forget to live, and forget that others are living in this world and dreaming alongside us.

This, as you might be able to tell from the way I’ve described it, is a movie with a very strong, and most importantly very well related message that - as we’ve come to expect from Pixar’s output at this point - touches us in our jaded adult hearts. As a creative person with lofty dreams who has almost literally been where the protagonist is in this film - and as many in my generation also have gone through - it definitely feels like a film that was directed straight at the generation that first watched Toy Story as kids decades ago, and now feel somewhat unfulfilled as adults going into the world. Same as Inside Out (a movie specifically designed to make adults cry, in my opinion), the SparkShorts and arguably Onward (I definitely related to Bailey, some). So much like my review of Jingle Jangle, you have something of an idea where this review is going to go before the jump, but that’s okay. This movie did have ups and downs, but its just the kind of up Pixar is good at: they know they’re audience, and especially did for this gem. By the end, it can definitely make you feel as though you too can make it through, as long as you have a little Soul. However, it is not just the message, but the nuances and skill in which they relate that message (and they do come close to making decisions that could have ruined it, at times), which means it’s very difficult for me to put why this movie works into a review without SPOILERS. If you want to avoid SPOILERS, don’t hop over the pic and instead treat the above as your non-SPOILER review.

Soul is the story of one Joe Gardner, played by Jamie Foxx a brilliant early middle-aged pianist with lifelong dreams of becoming a jazz musician, who we first meet teaching part time band at a local high school. The inciting incident is an interesting choice: Joe gets a major offer - he can come on as a full time teacher, making his occupation a career! But Joe believes very much in the adage that “those who cannot do, teach” - in the sense that he wants to do. He cannot accept the position - over the advice of his mother - because that would mean giving up on his dream of being out there playing music for a living: a dream that has consumed him his entire life but which has given him nothing in return. Until now. While agonizing over the decision to take the position, Joe's life then gets a big twist: a former student of his, remembering him fondly years after they knew each other, has a hook for him to join the band of a famous jazz singer and saxophonist - played by Angela Basset (side note, here: jazz has long had a reputation for being something of a boys club, especially for certain instruments, and the choice to have the lead saxophonist and famous idol whose band Joe wants to join be a woman is a great choice that my entire jazz-loving and living family took note of). Joe is instantly elated - he rushes over and naturally aces the audition for the part in the band, and so is on cloud nine...

Until he dies. That’s when the plot really starts. Joe falls down a manhole like an astronomer in an aesop fable, and is now stuck on the slow escalator to The Great Beyond. Naturally, he’s not for that and tries to escape - pursued by overeager spiritual soul-accountant Terry - ending up in the Great Before instead, and leaving his body in a still-living coma (the implications that coma patients in general are people who are choosing not to die when they’re “supposed” to is something I’m sure the writers didn’t intend, so I’ll let it slide). There, Joe is pressganged into mentoring a pre-prepared soul for birth, helping them find their Spark for life - which Joe interprets as the one true purpose and dream they are meant to fulfill. Once he gets them their Spark, he will be able to steal a badge his mentee earns as fully fledged souls and . Luckily for his intended very morally suspect intent on spiritual larceny, he ends up with Soul #22 - and that’s #22 out of hundreds of billions - a soul who has simply never found a Spark despite having been in the Great Before for thousands of years. #22 doesn’t want to live, so she agrees to give him her patch when they’re done. But no mentor before has been able to inspire her (well, technically #22 is genderless, as she demonstrates in the story at Joe’s request, but she is voiced by Tina Fey), so how can Joe? When that proves to be too hard indeed, #22 instead decides to help Joe get back - mostly because she’s intrigued at why anyone would want to cling to life so badly - with the help of some mystics who astral project while in the Zone: where everyone goes when they’re fully immersed in what they do. This almost works, but at the last second everything goes awry: #22 gets mixed up with Joe when he returns, and so he doesn’t quite get back the way he wants to...

That’s enough plot summary for now. That’s all just the set-up anyway, for the choices in writing and concept that I’m about to talk about. As you might have been able to tell from that ominous last note, the middle chunk of Soul - almost right up until the climax, in fact - is actually a body-swap movie, a la Freaky Friday. #22 ends up in Joe’s body, so he has to get her to do the things he needs to get ready for his gig and get through the day while they wait for the mystic to bring a way to set everything right. And did I mention he’s in the body of a cat? Having been following the movie, this wasn’t entirely a surprise, but it was still not something I was entirely ready for coming in. I tend to shy away from that kind of story on a personal level, as body-swap narratives are nearly predominantly based on cringe moments and awkward misconceptions - and that sort of thing usually tends to make me want to leave the scene in question and get a cup of water until after the awkwardness passes. However, this isn’t really part of the review in the sense that I perceive that the movie being in that genre is a flaw - because ultimately that’s just an aspect of my personal taste. Rather, I use it to show just how strong a movie Soul was and how well its narrative choices resonated with its themes that ultimately while it did indeed partake in your typical body-swap narrative cringe moments - “look, the [redacted] in Joe’s body just ran into his boss / mom!” / “look, the [redacted] is having a bizarre conversation with Joe’s friends!” / etc - those moments actually add to the narrative rather than take you out of it. Joe as “friends,” as exemplified by the barber he goes to to get his hair ready for the gig when it inevitably gets ruined in a bout of hijinks (the barber being that extremely well-designed bearded character the internet went wild over). He goes to that barber all the time, talks with him constantly, and believes he knows him well. But it turns out that Joe’s so wrapped up in his wants and desires that he’s never even asked him about his life - he just assumed that the barber was like him, born to do that one thing he was good at. It takes #22′s innocent, slightly off-kilter and occasional philosophical questions about what the heck all this “life” stuff is about for Joe to learn that this person in his life didn’t even want to be where he ended up initially, he ended up there because that’s the way his life turned, but he loves it because it’s life and he appreciates the world he’s come to create around himself. Likewise, he runs into his mom, but while Joe has come to expect his mother to be dismissive of him and his dreams, it takes an accident with #22 for him to realize that he’s been so caught up in his desires and her in her preconceptions that neither of them have ever had a real talk about their relationship, nor given a chance to grow in each other’s eyes. You might notice a trend. One of Joe’s students - a brilliant trombonist - comes to tell him she’s quitting band, but she doesn’t really. She’s just insecure because the other students make fun of her. Joe knows this already - it’s become commonplace to him - so the doesn’t feel the need to do anything about it and instead focuses on his own needs. But #22 decides to talk to her on a whim, and this push and pull of insecurity but joy in what one is good at fascinates her, while it bores Joe. While - like any other New Yorker - public transit is a chore to Joe, the melting pot of people and music draws #22 in: best evidenced by the moment where Joe and #22 meet another great musician playing for tips in the subway. Joe, despite being capable of relating as a musician, just walks past him after appreciating the sound for a sec, while #22, entranced by the things people do, leaves something for him. The world is drab and lacking in vibrancy from Joe’s point of view, as evidenced by the very accurate grimy look of the high school he work at - but from #22′s seemingly jaded eyes seeing it for the first time, it’s full of wonder.

This actually creates an interesting character contrast on top of the one we already know: Joe is the idealist, and #22 is the cynic... right? Well, it turns out Joe doesn’t have much of an appreciation for the world around him - not intentionally, but still to a very strong degree - whereas #22 simply hasn’t had the chance to experience life yet and thus never knew what it was that made people want to be part of it. Life itself becomes her Spark, though neither of them realize it at the time. Lets just get the aesop out of the way now. Your dream is not your life: that’s what Soul wants to say. Things that compel you as a person may consume you, even embitter you, and prevent you from seeing the world around you for what it is. But that doesn’t make dreams a bad thing: people everywhere find that Spark from the dreams to keep moving forward - it’s just that it shouldn’t preclude living, nor should living preclude your dreams. Life is a delicate balance, and man is this movie serving up some complicated life lessons here. I immediately took this as a far more mature take on the message The Princess and the Frog stumbled somewhat through years ago (man, I’m turning out to be pretty hard on that movie in this blog). My biggest issue with PATF is that it tells us that Tiana should be less intent on her dream and find love instead, but doesn’t show us. It’s just characters chiding her for not settling down until the plot ultimately pushes a man in front of her and she realizes she should’ve been finding one all along. That’s a very harsh way of putting it, but it condenses what I’m trying to say: ultimately PATF pushes Tiana to realizations she doesn’t seem to need, whereas Soul has a similar message about life and does so by focusing on character development, about how the protagonist doesn’t have as firm a handle on his life as he thought, and thus brings us a take on the lesson that’s far less cut and dry.

If you’re a fan of The Incredibles, the comparison to Mr. Incredible is fairly easy. Joe, though well meaning and decent overall, is a very self-centered person who happens to be so for very sympathetic and relatable reasons. He just wants to do the thing he feels he was born to. He'll do anything to get back to life and do that thing, even for a single night. He’s consumed by this desire so much that he's oblivious to the people around him, unable to connect to the people he loves, and unable to find joy in anything but his dream. And man, as a young writer who knows in their heart of hearts they can do great things and feels pain at the idea of not doing so, that hits different let me tell you.

The lessons Joe learns from #22 even stick. It turns out that part of what caused Joe’s dream to fail all those time was because of that lack of connection with life. He never presented himself in a way that got people to take notice of him, he never pushed for that position he wanted even though people said no, he never made himself and his life so vibrant that he glowed in the eyes of others (and again, that hits different). That’s maybe the most simplistic message of the bunch, but as a person in the creative field it’s true that sometimes being the smartest person in the room isn’t enough: it’s making himself shine that ultimately clinches Joe the gig even after he almost lost it thanks to the day’s shenanigans.

But in the end, it doesn’t feel like he thought he would.

Remember when I said there are parts where the movie comes perilously close to kiboshing its message? That moment is one, it’s the one. Not that that moment is bad - far from it, it’s the best moment in the entire movie (and you can fight me on that if you want to). It’s because it’s the crossroads, the pin, the core of the entire film: depending on the choice they made after that point, that moment could have either been the best moment in the entire movie, or the moment that toppled everything.

The realization of Joe’s dream doesn’t feel like the explosion of confetti and catharsis that he expected. It was just another moment of his life, a great one, but it’s still just part of his life. So what does Joe do? Does he panic? Does he keep going until it feels good? Does he - as he would in a lesser movie trying to give a cookie cutter aesop - immediately quit and realize he should’ve been teaching all along? No, he does none of those things. He absorbs the moment. He realizes that at the end of the dream you’re still just living life, and that you have to appreciate that. Joe isn’t wrong for pursuit of his dream. He’s not wrong for believing that hopes and dreams make life so much more worthwhile. He’s wrong in thinking that those dreams are all that define us, and that their realization is all that makes people themselves worthwhile at all.

And in the end - though I may be getting a bit too referential for this - the unexamined life is just so much less fulfilling than the alternative.

And all that a message and a half! It hits different. It’s mature as all heck. It’s something people my age (especially in my generation), twice my age, half my age never learn. It’s a callsign that sometimes Pixar is still make movies for the people who were kids way back when Toy Story was released, and are now insecure adults wondering why the world isn’t as wonderful as they saw on the screen. It’s brilliant. I said before that Joe interprets the “Spark” to be one’s purpose in life. The one thing that makes them who they are, that they are on the planet to do. He is wrong, absolutely and utterly. And in that misconception, when #22 finally does get their Spark just from being on Earth and seeing what its life, he accuses them of leeching self-actualization over his own personal ambitions, fully believing that they didn’t find a “purpose" on her own, but just copied his. But the Spark, as it turns out, is just the joy of living, the thing that makes people want to live. It can come from a dream, or just from watching the beauty of the sun set over a leaf drifting in the wind. Only in understanding this can Joe finally understand what he’s been missing in life, only then can he reconcile with #22 and help her finally be born, only then can he walk into the world and know how he’s going to live it.

We never find out what Joe decides, whether he goes back to teaching, or continues with the band. The choice is open to him, but we never find out which one he takes - another choice that keeps the aesop from falling apart. The point of all of that wasn’t that Joe has to do one thing or another to be happy, it was that Joe needs to be happy and secure in himself before he chooses what his life should be. Either of those could make him happy. Neither of those could. But now he’s in a much better place to see it, and do what he can.

We also never find out what #22 is like when she (or he, etc) is born. The two of them never meet past the point where #22 goes to Earth. Their time together has passed, and #22′s life is now their own. And that’s a great choice either. I’ve seen the occasional person feel that the choice made in this paragraph or noted in the previous one made the story confusing, but they’re ultimately what make the story what it is. The answer isn’t the necessity of resolution, its the reaffirmation of the journey. It reminds me somewhat of Wreck-It Ralph (an example of the main Disney Studio delivering a complex aesop, rather Pixar delivering them all), where being a villain wasn’t Ralph’s problem - it was that he wasn’t happy doing the thing he loved. You have to live, from living you will learn, and from learning you will do. The sheer incredible execution of this message (as you may have guessed, it’s a fairly difficult one to relay adequately in a film narrative, and the movie goes non-traditional in conclusion to maintain it) would have made this film a recommend for me even if it wasn't also beautifully animated, very well acted, funny (there’s a Knicks joke that floored me), heartwarming and relatable. But it’s also all of those things, so I have to recommend it twice as much. It is, regrettably, another movie with a black lead where the lead spends most of it transfigured into a form that’s not a black person (a soul, and then a cat), and I’ve already seen some grumbling that instead for much of it a character explicitly coded as a white woman is in his body instead, but I perceive that as an issue that’s endemic to the industry than a fault in this movie specifically. Everyone does that, but this is the only movie I’ve seen where doing that is an essential part of how the narrative develops the characters (Joe has to not be himself in order to understand his life from an outside perspective, a la Scrooge as a ghost watching his own history), and so I don’t scorn the movie for it. I, however, would very much like Hollywood to start doing that less, and - hey - as a prospective writer that’s one of those things I plan to do my part to combat. This movie, however, gets a pass in my book in ways that the general usage of this concept does not. In short, you should see it. If you get the chance to see it right now, you should take it to feel good at the end of this incredibly insane year. If you don’t want to have to sign up for Disney+ to see it now, I get you and understand, but if you get a chance to see it later do not pass it up. It’s one of the few movies I’ve watched that are an instant buy when it becomes available on digital - and the last time a movie did that for me was BlacKKKlansman. Whatever you choose to do, do it well. Keep the spirit alive, always keep searching for the real you - because it’s not always easy to find, but it’s worth looking for - and always remember that you could always have a little soul.

#Soul #film review #Disney Pixar #Pixar #Pete Docter #Jamie Foxx #Tina Fey #the afterlife #self actualization #jazz #curtis mayfield #duke ellington #animated film #animation review #animated minds for animated times #Joe Gardner #22 #recommended

18 notes · View notes

goldeneyedgirl · 3 years

Text

TwiFicMas2020 Day 1: Anathema

It’s that time of year again - when I bombard you with fic I’ve written over the year and haven’t posted, whether it is an outtake, part of a WIP, or something that ended up going sideways but still had some cool bits I was proud of.

Everything will be tracked under the ‘TwiFicMas2020′ and ‘FicMas2020′ tags. Most fics are incomplete scenes - “--” is a scene break, “//” means that there’s a cut - it’s probably not yet written.

First up is Anathema, the fourth or fifth attempt at the ‘Alice works in a mortuary/funeral home’ idea that refuses to solidify itself - though I think I’m getting closer. I enjoy the idea that Charlie Swan is in on Forks’ secrets (before Jacob strips in front of him, lol) and I am always here for the supernatural world being more than just vampires and shifters.

I hope you enjoy and thank you for reading!

The day the Cullens arrive in Forks, two things happen.

The first, I draw both Death, and the Wheel of Fortune. A combination that, frankly, sounds time-consuming. I lie in bed and contemplate them for awhile. The cards are soft, from lifetimes of passing from hand to hand (my dearest and most beloved Great-Aunt Jeanne passed this set to me when she died. At the time, I was too young to understand the true gift in cards that had never before been touched by Brandon hands - before mine.) The cards are illustrated so carefully, so detailed. They smell like dried lavender and the scrap of linen that I wrap them in, and there is something so reassuring about each and every card.

I draw my cards every few days before I get up. I find it calming, the shuffle of them against my fingers, as I let my dreams fade. It’s a quiet time, and one I savour.

Eventually, I do have to get up, though. No rest for the wicked. The cards go back into the wooden jewellery box some young man carved for some young woman in Jeanie’s family long before I was even a glimpse of a thought, and back into my nightstand drawer.

I - we - live on the first floor of the Brandon Funeral Home, a perfectly respectable converted Georgian house at the end of Main Street, where it sweeps around to Cedar Road. It’s a shit place to have a corner, and more than once speed racers have spun out; whoever’s scraped off the road and our front walk usually end up in the freezers in the basement.

But I digress.

Breakfast is mundane. Dulcie is there, hair in curlers, and a frown on her face when she realises I am not dressed. I sit crosslegged across two thrift-store chairs in my camisole and booty shorts, spooning jam onto toast with the precision of a good scientist and ignore her reminding me of my dressing gown (a sturdy pink-flower print flannel that is buried in my closet. My preferred robe, a thin grey kimono, is currently in my laundry pile) and ‘common decency’, as if my elderly great-uncle is looking to leer at the decided lack of anything I have up north or down south.

Dulcie is… Dulcie. No replacement for Aunt Jeanie, but a good woman. I find it funny that Uncle Freddie is an old man now, and he still reels ‘em in. Or he would if Jeanie’s death hadn’t broken, shattered, and wrecked him. Dulcie worked for us for a few years before she set her eyes on the top bedroom and changing ‘Dulcie Dunn-Stanley’ to ‘Dulcie Brandon’.

Oh, that sounds very jaded. It’s mutual, Freddie and Dulcie. Their courtship was glacial and it’s really only recently that Dulcie’s been hinting about heading to the court house. And, honestly, whatever makes Uncle Freddie happy. Dulcie’s kind to me, we mostly get along, and her attempts to mother me are so far inconsistent - but she is usually pretty respectful.

My uncle lingers over his food; he’s got a new book open at his elbow, and no one can pry my uncle away from his books. They’re usually hardcover, non-fiction. Most of the boxes stored in the third floor are my uncles books.

After breakfast, I am banished to get dressed for work, which is in the basement today, where I am to be the hands as we prepare one Lewis Fletcher for his Saturday morning funeral. There’s a sack of bagged organs resting in the chest cavity, from the autopsy (elk or deer attack, the report says), and I get to stitch Lewis back together, get to fill him full of chemicals, seal things with putty, and get to face painting. The Fletchers are a pretty ordinary family locally, and the service will be simple - they were very agreeable when Freddie met with them last week.

I put my music on and hum as I prepare my kit. It’s no secret that an unqualified teenage girl doing this work probably breaks a lot of laws, but Freddie’s hands aren’t as steady as they used to be, and he’s old enough to remember when a family business meant that the younger generation was trained by the older at home, no degrees or certifications necessary.

Sometimes I wonder what Jeanie would have thought, me working down here like this. Would she have understood? Would she have been mad or upset or disappointed?

We’ll never know.

Freddie fetches us both a cup of tea, and hovers at my shoulder as I piece together Mr Fletcher’s chest cavity.

“Smaller stitches, Alice,” Freddie says, inspecting my work carefully. “Redo that section, stitch closer together, and small stitches.”

I nod, turning around to grab a scalpel from the tray beside me to cut the wonky stitches free and start again, and I freeze as the ice-cold feeling envelopes me. No, no, no it’s been so long…

For a moment, I am unfixed in time and space. I am still in the basement, with the buzzing fluorescent lights, and smooth metal drawers and cupboards, the stink of formaldehyde. But instead of a clean, bare second table, I am lying there. But I’m not dead, and I’m not alone. It’s him. The boy - man? - I’ve been seeing for so long, in visions and dreams. He’s hovering above me, a veritable sculpture of pale flesh as he peels off his shirt, our mouths still fused together, my hands gripping his hips. I am a much less collected figure, with my tights around my knees, one shoe still on and my shirt hiked up over my bra. Vision-Me pulls away to say something, and He laughs, and it’s then the light catches his eyes. Dark gold.

Golden-eyes.

“Oh fuck,” Real-Me says, and somehow Vision-Him knows I’m Seeing and looks right at me, where I’m standing with a scalpel in my hand.

“Alice?” My uncle’s hand on my shoulders brings me right back to the right point in time and space.

It’s at the point I hit the floor, manage to stab myself quite viciously with the scalpel and my uncle starts cussing.

It’s been a while between visions.

The Council was basically the reason Freddie and I stayed in Forks. It was a fifty-fifty split between honouring Jeanie’s wishes, and keeping me safe and out of sight - as if my aspirations were towards a Vegas nightclub act or international pop star. I wasn’t entirely clueless.

Forks was built in a special place. A place where the barriers between the ordinary and the extraordinary were a little thinner, where the supernatural were drawn to. Jeanie had theorised that was why the Quileute were able to tap into their spirit wolves so easily, and why the gene remained so strong, father to son without a constant presence of their enemies. I didn’t know enough of their history to have an opinion, but Forks was definitely a place with an interesting history that very few people knew - even I only knew a fraction of everything that happened, past and present. There were very few written accounts; most of the histories were oral and passed down on a strict need-to-know basis.

The Council were definitely in the know, and had been for generations. There was Billy Black, Sue and Harry Clearwater representing the Quileute tribe, there was Charlie Swan representing Forks and everyone not in the know, and there was Freddie and I. Freddie, was technically Jeanie’s representative, and was the Mediator between the Ordinary and the Others. Jeanie’s family had been Mediators for generations, but she’d never had children, so all of that had somehow fallen onto Freddie - and me.

It was extremely useful to have the Police Chief and a Mortician working the Council - we’d had to fudge more than a few deaths. There was always someone or something passing through the Olympic Peninsula, and we’d negotiated, challenged, threatened, and banished more than a few creatures over the last few years.

Technically, all parties were allowed to bring their apprentice representative, but I was the only one of the next generation who attended. Charlie Swan had made it clear he didn’t want his daughter involved in any of this, and both Billy and the Clearwaters had decided that their kids were too young to know exactly what went on around here. I figured in a decade or so, it would just be me, Seth, and Jacob Black (no way would Leah hang around just for this shit show), drinking beer in the woods and deciding whether to burn or bury.

But tonight’s meeting was Special. Despite the fact I’d been drawing nonsensical cards for days now - the Star, the Tower, and Justice - no visions had appeared beyond a dream about a locket with ‘W’ engraved on it. I’d expected a fairly normal meeting, until Freddie had let me in on the plan - we were, apparently, meeting with the Cullen family. No one had informed me exactly what or who the Cullens were, only that they had a ‘fourth seat’ in the Council that they’d been entitled to since the ‘30s. I’d have to go through Jeanie’s diaries again - there were boxes of them in storage, and Jeanie had useful tidbits dotted throughout.

So that was why I was in the forest with my grandfather, shivering underneath two coats and in my new fleecy boots, standing around a fire pit that didn’t really do much more than illuminate the burning wood; the lanterns we’d brought were more effective.

Some days I really wished Leah or Seth or Jacob Black would attend these meetings; they’d certainly liven up these meetings a bit.

“They’ll be here soon,” Billy Black said grimly. Billy Black had it worse than the rest of us - getting out to this part of the forest was awkward and time-consuming with his wheelchair. Since these meetings were clandestine, we couldn’t build a proper track.

“The terms are staying the same?” Charlie asked, sipping from a paper cup of coffee Sue had pressed on him.

Billy frowned. “We aren’t here to renegotiate, but we will listen to their petition if they have one,” he said finally.

“What are the existing terms?” I asked, nudging a mossy rock with my toe.

“We’ll go over that later on, Alice,” Freddie said, watching the woods carefully.

Fine, obstruct my completely transparent attempt at finding out what was actually going on. I was definitely intrigued by the idea this clan had a ‘seat’ at the Council, but it involve negotiations? The only creature I could think of that would fit that kind of profile would be some kind of shifter.

I was bored.

And then the mysterious Cullens arrived.

They came out of the woods like a mist; slowly but all at once. They kept a respectful distance away from the fire pit, clad in pristine new clothing that was a touch too light for the cold weather but was good quality. There were three of them - a blond man, a brunette woman, and a red-haired boy - all three of them taller than average, and pale as snow. And they were lovely, as if Grecian statues had climbed down from their plinth and wandered off.

“Hello,” the man said, nodding at us politely. “Thank you for welcoming us to this meeting.”

“You’ve a right to be here, as outlined in the treaty,” Billy Black said sternly. “This is the current Council - Charlie Swan for Forks. My self, Billy Black, and Harry and Sue Clearwater for the Quileute tribe. Fred Brandon as Mediator. Carlisle Cullen for the Cullen Coven.”

Coven meant vampires. That dampened my spirits a little; my history with vampires was messy. Plus the few vampires that had ventured into this area had been unpleasant experiences. But as I stared at the Cullen coven, I noticed their eyes.

Golden, like liquid light.

Was He one of them? Was the Cullen coven only these three, or where there more?

“And the young lady?” Carlisle Cullen said, looking in my direction.

“My niece,” Freddie said in a no-nonsense tone. “Shall we begin?”

“I assume Ursula Altis has since passed? My condolences to her family,” Carlisle Cullen said. “I had a great respect for Ursula.”

“Yes. Ursula’s apprentice passed on several years ago, and she named Fred and Alice as her successors,” Harry said.

“I am sorry for your loss,” Carlisle Cullen nodded at Freddie and I. I half-smiled back at him. Jeanie had been gone a long time but I still missed her.

“This is my wife, Esme, and my oldest son Edward,” Carlisle gestured to his two companions.

“Oldest son?” Charlie Swan said sharply.

“Yes - I have three others, but we did not want to overwhelm you,” Carlisle said. “They are here, if you would like to meet them?”

“Yes. We want to know the entirety of your coven,” Harry said bluntly.

Carlisle grimaced and nodded. “Of course. My other children - Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper.”

Three more Cullens materialised from behind Carlisle Cullen - a tall blonde girl who was utterly breathtaking to look at, had a displeased expression, and was wearing the genuine designer version of my knock-off winter coat. The second was a bear of a man, with the friendliest face, and curly black hair, who winked at me as he wrapped an arm around the blonde girl’s shoulders.

And then a lanky blond boy with a dark expression and wavy blond hair, who hovered in the shadows, his features mostly obscured. All of them had the same golden eyes, the same pallor and dark under-eye circles. But they didn’t look or behave like other nomads that had passed through. They looked… like a nice family.

Maybe in a decade, Jacob, Seth, and I would be joined by Emmett Cullen for the ‘burn or bury’ booze up. He looked like he’d be the most up for livening up these meetings.

“Your family has grown.” Billy’s voice was accusing, and I turned to look at his stern expression.

“My son, Jasper, joined us in 1965,” Carlisle Cullen said politely, “Looking for a different lifestyle. We have abided by your terms, and would not have returned to this area if we were not prepared to continue to do so.”

The Quiluetes weren’t thrilled with that news, and Charlie just looked kind of tired. Freddie was taking notes on his phone, and I was just cold and getting bored again… until I noticed movement out of the corner of my eye.

Jasper was prowling away from the others, closer to me, where I stood at my uncle’s side. Both eyes were on me, like liquid amber, and I finally got a good look at him.

Jasper was Him - the boy hovering over me, half-dressed on the gurney; the boy kissing my scar, and sliding in behind me in the shower. The boy that had hovered at the edges of my visions and dreams since I was young, with adoration in his eyes and gentle touches.

The boy I’d love so fiercely and deeply…

Talk about a terrible time to finally meet.

“Oh fuck,” I said, as I looked at him, eyes wide. All those wretched cliches that terrible books write about happened at that moment. I was enchanted, besotted, and absolutely irrevocably attached to this Jasper Cullen. He was mine.

“Step back!” Harry barked out, but Jasper Cullen ignored him, watching me carefully. I couldn’t help myself; I smiled brightly at him, and he kept moving towards me. Flashes of knowledge were appearing in my head, and for some reasons I kept seeing the Lovers card, still in my deck at home. I could hear people talking, getting angry, but it was like the buzz of insects as Jasper Cullen got closer to me. His hand reached out slowly, to stroke the curve of my cheek, studying me with the strangest look on his face.

And then the pain hit, like someone had shoved an ice pick through my left eye and into my brain. The visions were folding over and over, like origami, before I could decipher them. Choices being made, minds changing, so fast I could keep up. I heard myself cry out as I fell, and then everything was dark.

Then I was seeing things in real time. The way I fell, blood running from my nose, to everyone’s utter horror. My eyes were rolled back in my head, and my body jerked in a seizure a few times before I was still.

But no one could get near me. As soon as I had fallen, Jasper had crouched over my prone form, with a horrified look on his face. Everyone was yelling and trying to get closer, and Jasper let out a snarl that was, frankly, terrifying before refocusing on me, taking my hand and plucking my glove off it, to rest against his own cheek. Whatever that was supposed to achieve did nothing, and whilst everyone else was yelling and bickering, he let out a low whine that was so pathetic, if I’d had any control over my body, I would have sat up and given him a hug.

Then Carlisle Cullen placed his hands up to the Council in a gesture of peace and nodded to Emmett before approaching Jasper.

The conversation would have been too low for anyone else to hear, but not me, in whatever kind of vision this was.

“Jasper, I understand,” Carlisle Cullen said in a low voice. “But she’s got a medical condition, you need to let her people take care of her.”

Jasper growled low, Emmett’s hand on his shoulder.

“Bro, c’mon,” he said. “You’re scaring them,” he nodded over his shoulder. Sue’s face was white with fear, and I was scared that Harry was going to stroke out on the spot.

And I was there, Sleeping Beauty, with a smear of fresh blood on my face.

“I can’t,” Jasper seemed to force out between gritted teeth. “She’s mine.” It was said with determination and desperation, and a deep tenderness.

I was pleased that whatever my embarrassing collapse had been, at least I knew we were on the same page -that we knew each other and we knew each other.

And just like that, like they were magic words, my eyes open and I was back in reality, staring up at the man-boy who was staring at me like I held the secrets to the universe.

“Alice, did he hurt you?” Freddie called out in a strained voice.

“No, that was me. Too much new information,” I said, as I began to sit up, Jasper sliding my glove back on my hand before I realised it was still missing. He held out his hand to help me up, his touch so careful and gentle.

“Okay, good. Come over here,” Freddie motioned for me to move to where the group seemed to have bunched across from the Cullens. Charlie Swan looked murderous. “She’s nothing to you, boy, just let her go.”

I winced when Freddie said that, realising immediately it was like a red flag to a bull, and all of a sudden there was a lot of motion. Jasper growled, attempting to shove me behind him - to protect me? - whilst Emmett and Carlisle Cullen decided it was time to get Jasper physically under control, and pulled him back towards where the rest of the family was standing.

I tripped over a rock and stumbled but righted myself as Jasper was bodily dragged back to where Esme, Rosalie, and Edward Cullen were waiting, looking worried.

“Are you okay, sweetheart?” Mrs Cullen asked as I moved back to Freddie’s side, where he quickly clasped me to him, giving me the once over.

“I’m fine,” I said before catching Emmett having bent Jasper’s arms behind his back at a hideous angle, his knee digging into Jasper’s spine. “Oh, don’t hurt him! Please!” I made a move towards them but Sue grabbed my arm, and Jasper turned to stare at me with what I can only describe as hope.

“I think this meeting is done,” Charlie Swan said finally. “You agree to maintain the existing treaty - that’s all we need. Thank you for coming.”

“Of course, we don’t want to cause any issues,” Mrs Cullen said, and Freddie snorted, shielding me with his body.

I felt like a prisoner being frog-marched back to the car.

“Back at the Brandon’s?” Charlie said, as we arrived at the cars.

“Of course,” Freddie said. “Coffee and debrief.”

#twificmas2020 #ficmas2020 #jalice #alice cullen #jasper hale #cullen family #fandom #my writing #fan fic #my fic #wip #charlie swan #my fic: anathema

28 notes · View notes

macklives · 4 years

Text

session 92 end (bye 413...)

this session was so long but so fucking hectic what the fuck

im going to try and slim it down to its bare essentials rather than go on a full rant because im pretty sure i want to make a post later on about vriska’s characterisation (not anything about me liking her/disliking her, just an analyse on her life really, so it wont be too bias because thats not the point of an analysis. i also want to do one on aradia, been meaning to for a while... hmm... damn i havent done much analogies lately, and i THINK the last long post on a character i made was about davesprite??? so its been a fucking while. that being said, ill leave a lot of details out for this end of session notes so i dont just repeat myself later on. rather will keep to plot points here and then make character points in another)

alright

first we had a page or two where aradia confided in nepeta about her being dead which means nepeta is the only one to know this revelation. im pretty sure aradia confided because there was no other way around it, since nepeta was her server player, so it was inevitable. either way, aradia still put her trust in nep, which means, if you think about it, nobody else knows and nobody else ever will. and considering aradia asked nep to keep it a secret, it probably wont get explored by others until MAYBE later on, whenever its plot relevant, so everyone will be in the dark about it for a while which ill have to remember for future dialogue and scenes with aradia in them

then we met vriska

which, yes, is a meme. i may not have been on a lot of fandom platforms, but you cant escape some of the stuff that goes around the internet. even if you dont know undertale, im pretty sure you know of sans. or komaeda if you have/havent seen danganronpa. its just.. the memes, ya know? ive heard from many sources of the “vriska did nothing wrong” quote (even through mbmbam which??? WHAT) but since i didnt even know what it meant, i never explored it so then i never knew it was a homestuck thing. imagine my surprise...... i think even at the time, i wouldnt have known what homestuck was either honestly so it wouldnt even matter. i only recently learned about the fandom.... uhh, maybe half a year ago??? yeah, august, so my knowledge was slim but vriska is a thing ive heard before, which still shocks me

goddammit

anyways back to her

so her intro was something, we pretty much found out she likes DnD (a FANATIC in fact) and feeds her lusus the flesh of living trolls. which is fucked up. but i wont get too much into detail about that until i make a post about her life on alternia and the consequences of such. or maybe just alternia in general...?? or *both* heheheh but i feel i need more information before i go off on a tangent about that

then we met??? white text dude?? who is a major asshole but an asshole with insults that hURted, to think i felt bad for VRISKA when that happened. woah.

i said before, but... karkat, he cant really hit deep because his insults are just HIM and his way to express himself. like some people find it natural to just go “FUCK YOU” to show emphasis on a point, and thats just karkats way. he may do it so aggressively that it takes you a second to realize what he said, but usually i dont take anything to heart whenever he spurts out some insults. ive progressed to the point where whatever he says, is just “karkat” and not him trying to be actively mean. rather, its now funny whenever he does say anything SOMEWHAT creative, dude has an imagination that goes on for miles

but vriska?? she IS trying to be a bully, you can tell. but i feel theres something much more to that. like shes trying to prove herself and her “blueblooded” demeanours or whatever the hierarchy is. she doesnt want to show emotions so she makes herself a barrier by being mean is what i can gather from her conversation with kanaya. im pretty sure youre not supposed to understand her until its pointed out and rather see her as an “antagonist” at first, but yeah, her insults are more pitiful than anything and i also cant take her too seriously. i may not like her as a person but her character is interesting because you cant always have the goodie two shoes as the protags. it doesnt diversify the characterisation so i like vriska as someone who makes the plot work and it becomes more interesting since you have someone that makes it harder for the main crew to progress. a happy-go-lucky adventure with no trouble and no turnabouts would be boring in a way. so having a character like vriska, or like this new white text guy, it makes you stop for a second and realize oh shit okay, here’s where shit CAN go wrong and WHY. and i do especially like it when these bastards of characters somehow have more depth than being the “bastard characters”. kinda humanizes them in a way. doesnt mean you have to LIKE them continuously, but theyre humans (trolls whatever) in the end and every person has their own story whether its for better or for worse

for example, i like her being placed into the story, along with white text, by how its all leading to this “accident” and is slowly showing us hints on what happened, but in the end, it wont be until later that we know the full story. even if it was in the past, it apparently is very vital to the plot and shapes how the characters act in the future, so important aspects like that are to look out for. and usually they only occur when theres been some trouble within friend dynamics. so without these bastard of characters, plot wouldnt grow AS strong and i often keep that in mind when i explore a story.

anyways, I HAD A POINT TO THIS: so vriska and karkat are characters who are yes, mean, but it seems to be their personality, and the way they either show emotions and convey feelings (karkat) or make a barrier so they DONT show emotions to produce vulnerability (vriska), white text guy seems to mostly be out to be an asshole. he told vriska she was useless to sum it up but im not too sure if this is one of those “first dialogue” to mould out a bias opinion before we even get to the character themselves, but judging by how vriska and karkat played out, he surely means something bad and i dont know how to explain it. but i cannot base anything off from one piece of dialogue. i dont even know what else to call him other than white text guy so...... ill just leave that out for now, until we finally get his introduction

though, i do wish to mention, and will expand on, im not wrong when i say karkat and vriska are similar but in different context. sorry if youre favourite is karkat and you dont like vriska, or vice versa, but uhhhh their introductions are so similar its uncanny and the way they’re portrayed is the same except one is more on crack about the meddling, while the other is angry about the meddling. similar to how it was with karkat, we were introduced to vriska talking with someone we knew (tavros) whom she obviously didnt like, so obviously, from her point of view, she wanted to be menacing. like how karkat was menacing to jade because she wouldnt listen to his point... he got angry, so he lashed out. but us, the readers, didnt know that. we thought “oh god its this asshole” until we made it further in the story and started to warm up to karkat. it may not be the same with vriska, she may be a bully regardless, but you cannot tell me we moulded a bias towards her character as we did when we first read karkat. theyre both truly mean to other people, maybe both for different reasons, but i do want to point out the similarities and not leave that out. im pretty sure andrew basically gave us a conversation that formed our opinion of a character right off the bat rather than go into depth of WHY they did it, and how they are naturally without the conditions of the game. which, you can also see with vriska when she conversed with kanaya. andrew started off with a character who only appears to speak once, and makes you judge them from first appearance alone, without any explanation as to why they said what they said and how they are with other characters, let says. so you assume they were simply a rude character. now look how karkat turned out. so im guessing in homestuck, the first impression should never be the opinion you stick with until MAYBE 5 more conversations with that character (each one different)

OKAY done with the vriska introduction, now to slutquius

yes, hes kinda weird, i have stated that many times. i have no idea what to say about him other than he likes porn, he likes centaur dick which just so happens to be his lusus as well and if that isnt a red flag idk what is

he also likes his lusus milk, right from the udders of his guardian

fun times, fun times

my opinion of equius kinda.. differs. which i should really put in place the “dont judge by first impression” rule, because at first i thought he was rude with, then i thought he was hhh okay, because i understood why he was being so protective over nepeta and her team placement, since the people she was going to play with WERE dangerous. but if you think about it, both sides will probably put you in danger. it just depends on which ones you confide in more to protect your back rather than those which would cause trouble on purpose, in my HONEST opinion. so equius was a little overdramatic on that part, but i got what he meant. he was on the blue team and he didnt want to leave nepeta alone without him on the red. but then this session happened. and he went back to being weird again because of the whole porn thing, especially being so open about it like dude chill youre 13. but the thing is, then i felt bad for him because hes basically touch starved. to say that he could break anything he touches, i doubt people would go up to him for hugs. in fear they would be crushed to death by a simple hug. so im guessing hes rather lonely and doesnt really know how to interact because of this. so i felt sad that he had to live a life where he needs to be careful of everything he touches so it doesnt break randomly. see? poor dude. but then things got weird. and im pretty sure hes a masochist. so my opinion on equius is a fucking cosine graph

which brings us to the final point:

gamzee and equius’ conversation

i dont even know.....like.........gamzee was unaware that equius was using him for his own power play roleplay, right? gamzee knew it was a roleplay but it had had some.. idk.... obvious sexual implications? and i bet gamzee didnt really know that? he thought they were only venting out through a simple roleplay and trying to get closer because he originally thought equius hated him, considering equius flat out said “i hate you” and gamzee went “you tell me everyday and im okay with that” so.. gamzee probably wanted only to get closer to equius so he helped out his little problem which.. thats so sweet but i feel bad he was coerced into something he didnt get, especially since he was innocent enough to go along without knowing equius’ true gain

anyways, equius was getting off with the hierarchy thing. considering he’s “lower” than gamzee, and gamzee is surprisingly ...high on the spectrum??? so equius wanted gamzee to boss him around, because it felt only natural to him since he’s the “inferior one” and gamzee is The Big Man. like i get that, but it was written in a way that was so uncomfortable, that i wish i didnt. equius is just a weird character... hes not BAD per say, but hes... hes something alright

but im really liking gamzee. the two things which struck me in that one conversation, was the “i dont get why we should dictate people by the colour of their blood, i just see people as people” piece of dialogue and “i cant go around pleasing just everything so its alright if you hate me”

thats... so good, idk. i really liked that. i also really liked when kanaya said “youre dangerous but dangerous people are needed and are important because it shapes you” like <33 my fucking heart

god homestuck may be a tad on the weird side with some of its characters but it surely knows how to create great lines of dialogue

and that concludes the long 4 hour session i did, hope you all enjoyed it

with that, i rest

#homestuck #homestuck liveblog #hs92 #hs92 end #i wrote more than i should have but i had a lot to say #just you wait for those analogy/analysis posts

147 notes · View notes

ask-the-jester-buds · 4 years

Text

LUSUS HEADCANONS

In the world of Alternia there are not only the trolls we all know and love, but also the amazing white furred creatures that serve as guardians to them.

Yes, tonight we are talking about lusii and some of our headcanons on what species and characteristics lusii should have according to caste.

We made an extensive research, using all the canonical material to bring you a quick and easy guide to lusii by blood type. We hope that this can help you decide what lusus you want for your troll in the future.

Now a few short disclaimers before we start:

Firstly, we refer to “lusii” as the creatures that act as the troll’s guardian, they are different to “pets”, those are creatures adopted by the troll for company and are non-existent in the canon. A lusus can act as a pet but a pet is not necessarily the troll’s lusus.

Secondly, Mutant bloods and cuspbloods would often be ignored by lusii the same way an animal would reject a defective offspring. Despite the fact that the followers of the signless created a lusus to take care of mutant grubs, we are not sure how many species of mutant blooded lusii are out there and if they would adopt any mutant blood.

Cuspblooded trolls could be adopted by a lusus that shares one of its colors, however cuspblooded lusii do not exist.

And thirdly, We talk high and mighty about our headcanons and about the canonical material, but please remember that these are just our point of view and are not the norm. You don't have to accept it if it doesn’t work for you, in the end you create your troll’s world the way you like the best.

With all that said, have fun and enjoy the ride. <3

The burgundy caste is often known for being often weak physically compared to other castes like Olives, Indigos or Purples, but they are very strong mentally, with their dominion over thelepatics. Canonical Rustbloods also tend to be more docile and obedient, not as aggressive as higher castes, which deems them perfect for servitude. So we figured Rustblooded lusii should follow these patterns.

A rustblooded lusus could be a creature with a gentle nature or a creature that is not very active. A good example of this would be Xefros giant sloth lusus, that even though is big and protective, it doesn’t seem to be aggressive and its movements are lazy.

Other good examples would be creatures like Dormice, Lazy cats, Koalas, and other meek animals that are not usually aggressive.

However, another possible type of creature for a Rustblood lusus could be a mystical creature commonly associated with the mind or death. Since Rustbloods are known for their strong psychic powers and the ability to connect to the dead, it wouldn’t be surprising that they were chosen by a lusii with similar powers as well.

There are a few canonical Bronze lusii, Tinkerbull, Lady the collie, Canary the emu and the deercat.

All these creatures share a common trait: they are all based on domesticated animals.

Yes, even the deercat, which is portrayed with a saddle, a clear sign of domestication.

It fits well with bronzebloods as they are known for being hardworking trolls, often handling other lusii or doing heavy duty work. Being the second lowest caste, they are also portrayed to be servants to higher castes, and are often deemed to be friendly and non aggressive.

There are of course exceptions, as we know the Deercat chooses bronze trolls that have strong leadership traits.

Any animal that has some form of domestication fits well as a Bronze lusus, from farm animals like cows, sheep, fowl and pigs, to any other company animal like dogs, cats, ferrets, birds and even hamsters.

You wouldn't believe what animals have already been domesticated.

Canonically there is only one goldblooded lusus, that being the biclops that is Sollux dad. However it’s been theorized that Cirava has a wasp-like lusus, seeing as how they have a wasp like hive in the ceiling of their… Well, hive.

With this in mind, We believe a goldblooded lusus should be any creature with a duplicated feature: two heads, two tails, to sets of ears, two extra limbs, two extra eyes, etc. Always keeping the symmetry as all Goldbloods are shown to be symmetrical at birth and have double horns compared to other trolls.

Insects like beetles, butterflies and bees all enter this category as they already show to have extra limbs. Not to mention that Goldblooded trolls often work in apiculture and apiculture networking.

Another good option are creatures that are receptive to electricity and electromagnetism or are receptive to frequency waves, as gooldbloods are known for their psionic powers and their knowledge of technology. Eels and bats are a good example for this.

Of course, there are no existent lime trolls in the canon, therefore there are no existent lime lusii either. We could argue that Karkat’s Crabdad could be considered a lime lusus, however he was created by the signless followers so mutant grubs would have a lusus of their own.

Therefore this headcanon is purely based on our opinion and how little we know about limebloods.

With so little to work with, we theorize that Limebloods could have hybrid or strange creatures as their lusus, this will go well with the overall “mystery” of what a limeblood really was and what their powers were.

We have theorized before what limeblood powers were, but as of now there is no canonical interpretation of it.

So hybrid or strange animals like platypus, echidnas, and any strange combination you can think of could work well for the elusive limeblood.

Olives are a jack of all trades in Alternia, known for their agility, strength and sharp minds, they can do a large range of works throughout the world, from hunters and mercenaries, to clever detectives, artists and even salesfolk.

With these traits, we theorize that Olivebloods should have mammalian-like creatures covered in fur as their lusii. We would even say that Olives tend to have predatory animals, not necessarily mammals. as lusii, such as wolves, felines, mustelids, bears and so on... but we could easily see a young olive troll learning their agility and cleverness from a rabbit, a deer or a squirrel.

Now, there are mixed beliefs when it comes to Jade lusii. Kanaya has a virgin mother grub as her lusus, however it's unclear whether her having a lusus is a special case or a common occurrence between jade trolls.

We like to theorize that jades have lusii around helping them take care of younger jades and even grubs before they are taken by their respective lusii.

Jade lusii should be all females, just like jades, with very few exceptions. Creatures with strong maternal instincts, or creatures that are often associated with femininity work well as Jade lusii. So lionesses, does, hens, bears, cows, swans, butterflies or even mantises and spiders could be good options for jade lusii.

However, another good example could be cave-dwelling creatures that are already native to the brooding caverns, so bats and glow worms could be a good idea.

Some of these lusii could even have bioluminescence, similar to how some Jades develop glowing skin as rainbowdrinkers.

There is quite a large menagerie of canonical tealblooded lusii, and we have found a few traits that could be considered a pattern.

Seeing as how Tealbloods are born and raised to work in the law career, it would be appropriate to assume that tealblooded lusii reflect this as well.

So creatures that are often associated with justice, law, loyalty, protection or balance could be a good lusii for a Tealblood. So creatures such as dogs, lions, bears, and hedgehogs are good examples of this.

There is also the possibility that tealblood lusii have all some sort of relation to dragons, seeing as how dragons are often portrayed as a symbol of protection, justice and loyalty. So reptiles and birds could enter this category, there are thousands of dragon types out there and creatures that are related to draconic creatures.

Ceruleans are often known to be sly and sneaky, sometimes even a bit manipulative and they are commonly not well seen by other trolls, even if they are considered “blue bloods”. It wouldn’t be a surprise that creatures often deemed as “vermin” or “creepy crawlies” would favor Ceruleans as their charges, possibly adding to the overall bad and unjustified reputation of the blood. Also creatures with bad reputation or creatures commonly known as “sly”.

So creatures like spiders, insects, snakes and rats could be good options for a cerulean troll.

This one will be very short, as of now all Indigo lusii show the same traits: they are all Ungulate creatures. Which makes sense considering there are a lot of horse puns around the indigo blood. Not only that, but horses and other ungulated creatures are often a representation of strength that is the main trait of Indigo bloods.

So any ungulate creature from horses, goats, elk, and even giraffes or rhinos work as good indigo lusii.

We have talked here a lot about our headcanon for purple lusii.

It has been shown in canon that purple lusii are aquatic or semi aquatic, not to mention that often purples build their hives near the sea so they can be close to their respective lusii. So any creature that depends on water for survival but can still breathe air can be considered a good lusus for a purpleblood.

So Aquatic animals like whales, seals and dolphins, Semi-aquatic animals like aquatic birds, otters and hippos, to even amphibians could be your choice for a purple lusus.

So this one is a no-brainer, since violetbloods are aquatic themselves, it would only be reasonable to think that their lusii are aquatic as well.

So any type of aquatic or semi-aquatic creature fits here, as long as they can breathe underwater.

Yes, you heard us right!

Fuchsia trolls could have lusus too!

Though it's commonly known that the heiress is often raised by the Gl'bgolyb, however when there is more than one fuchsia troll around, there is the possibility that the Gl'bgolyb would prefer one to the others.

So It wouldn’t be too out there to assume that some fuchsiablooded lusii would assist in the raising of young possible heirs to the throne.

A fuchsia lusus should be a water dwelling creature that doesn’t often come to the surface, so bottom dwellers, deep sea creatures or reef creatures are good examples for this.

And there you have it folks!

Our headcanons for lusii characteristics according to their caste!

Please remember we are going with standards here, we are aware that all trolls are different and show the traits of their caste in a different way than the rest. Their lusus should also represent that!

We hope it was of your liking and that it will help you in the future.

#troll culture hc

40 notes · View notes

ardenttheories · 4 years

Note

I super appreciate how willing you are to call out this shit with hs and this isn’t @ you but I feel like there isn’t much discussion with the writer’s team (especially kate’s) racism and how they act like the moral high point of stuff (ex: blaming tavros for getting abused) they they really don’t have any authority over

If I’m completely honest, I’ve taken to avoiding the writers like the plague. I’ve come to deeply dislike them both as writers and people, so I mostly go off information I’ve received from the fandom and their disappointments when it comes to writing my posts (which I do verify beforehand, of course).

However, I’m in no fucking way surprised by this. I’ve not seen any of the racism commentary (which I think we very much should talk about, frankly, and if you can think of any instances in specific, please send me links via the submit box), but I have seen the way they treat situations of abuse and victims of it.

You can see it fairly starkly in Pesterquest. Vriska, one of the most objectively abusive characters in the entirety of the original comic, is portrayed as a sad, confused girl, lonely, forced into a situation that she cannot control, one that she doesn’t like, one she wants to escape but has no idea how to.

It’s clear as hell that they want you to be sympathetic for her. In fact, it’s really easy to be. When you go through her route, it’s almost impossible not to be sympathetic for Vriska based on the way they wrote her.

But, Tavros? The victim of her abuse? The first thing Reader says is something along the lines of “But, Vriska? Dear sweet Vriska? You could never imagine her doing something like this - well, actually, you can”. And yet... our opinion of Vriska - that she’s a sympathetic character we should adore and who has only ever acted out of desperation - is meant to stay in tact. We’re not meant to dislike Vriska at any point in time, and we’re actively meant to help her ammend her relationships - which always comes down to “well, Vriska had it worse, so you should forgive her” (Terezi comes to mind here; her forgiving Vriska is very in character for her, to be sure, but it also feels like she dismisses so much of her own criticism and upsets towards Vriska in the process, as if... she was being pedantic the entire time?)

On top of that, if we look at the treatment of Jake in both the epilogues and HS2... oh, boy. He’s meant to be a beta cuck. You can just see that it’s lathered with that concept. For some reason, being forced into relationships you probably don’t want because of an addiction you might not be able to control, being turned into a sex object by two of your best friends who then both completely ignore your consent, the implications of him being sexually assaulted by Jane, his clear discomfort with her, the fact that he actively ran away from her - and yet, he’s still meant to go back and fix it because he’s “not being man enough”. Because escaping from your abuser isn’t good enough.

And that’s to say nothing about the fact that Jake’s had no presence in the Meat timeline after being brainfucked by Dirk. He’s likely suffered severe emotional trauma and psychological scarring from the fact that he was mindcontrolled into wholeheartedly loving someone he thought was his best friend, only to be cruelly dumped as some absolutely stupid (and OOC) form of revenge - and that’s it.

That’s all Jake is in the Meat timeline. Haha he gets denied look at him acting sooooo weird!!

He is reduced to this sort of... joke that we’re never really meant to think on more again. He suffered trauma and it’s just brushed aside because it’s not “plot relevant”? In both timelines?

I think... a lot of my issue with this therefore comes from the treatment of male abuse survivors. Again, Vriska is actually treated fairly well. Her trauma is handled with the utmost respect, and you’re actively encouraged to feel guilty for her, to want to see her get better, get help, to see her have something good in her life for once.

But, everyone else? Oh, well Tavros should have been stronger. Being permanently disabled is clearly an appropriate punishment for this! Jake’s just a beta cuck, his sexual, emotional, and physical abuse is no excuse for not going back to his highly abusive wife! And of course if we can’t get a joke out of him, we might as well not show him at all!

Even Eridan gets this treatment in Pesterquest. Even though he goes through the extact same revelations as Vriska - about gender, about his dad, about how he sees the world, about his own struggles with what he wants to be and what he thinks he should be based on the Alternian class system - it’s almost like he’s not good enough for redemption. Like he somehow missed the mark for being a sympathetic character despite the fact that he’s actively shown, in some ways, to be more open and understanding of himself and his views than Vriska. When Eridan is objectively the least bad of the two, considering his worst crimes are “lashed out at friends in self defence with an overpowered weapon he did not create, while grimdark”. He’s just reduced to “haha, man can’t get head out of ass to be big brain, deserve all bad thing in life”.

And, to go back to HS2 for Jade for a moment - remember how they reduced every complaint about how toxic she’s gotten, how questionably abusive and deeply unhealthy she is for her friends, to “well, the fandom doesn’t like her because she’s a woman of fucks”?

The writers have a very strict “women get a free pass for any abuses they cause, but men can never be forgiven and should be laughed at” mentality, which is deeply disturbing.

Give women the right to be strong characters, make them unlikeable, let them suffer trauma and lash out or make rash decisions because that’s what trauma can do to you, let them have unhealthy coping mechanisms, let them have redemptions - but don’t do so at the expensive of male abuse victims being seen as inferior and weak. Don’t do so at the expense of suggesting that men can’t be raped or can’t be abused by women. Don’t do so at the expense of saying “all men cannot be forgiven”.

What the fuck sort of mentality are you providing to your audience with that? How are your male fans meant to recognise that they can be vulnerable and can be open and can improve if you don’t let the characters they watch do the same?

It’s so frustrating because they can write sympathetic characters. They can show what abuse does to you, how people cope, how that can become unhealthy - everything we see with Vriska in Pesterquest is evidence of this. But it’s reserved wholly for her, and then they go so far as to blame victims for being abused so that she doesn’t have to take responsibility for her actions. So that she can’t take criticism.

God there’s just so fucking much wrong with it. Especially since, like, you’re right - they really have no authority to be saying any of this shit. If you don’t like the male characters, if you really couldn’t care for them less, that’s okay! You can focus on the women, build them up, make them detailed and developed, make them real - god knows we need that in media - but for the love of god don’t. Don’t shit on male abuse victims in the process.

#ardenttheories #homestuck^2 critical #homestuck critical #Anonymous

70 notes · View notes

possiblyjad · 3 years

Text

So I noticed that I have had a bunch of new followers over the last month or so and I haven't taken the time to send you guys love and a proper intro! So here we go:

Hi! My name is Jade, but you can also call me Jad. I'm 27, Canadian (I live in Niagara Falls), and super queer. I use both she and they pronouns. I have two conflicting aesthetics of super cutesy pastel stuff and emo renaissance. I love fashion, makeup, and body modification as outlets of expression. I go to school VERY soon to be an esthetician, and I'm currently looking into the possibilities of getting a piercing apprenticeship.

Under the cut will be 25 random facts about me. Click to see them:

1. I grew up in a smallish town called Bowmanville, which is about an hour east of Toronto. It's rapidly expanding but in the heart of it is a bevy of picture esque historic neighborhoods lined with centuries old mansions. If you ever go, the one place I highly recommend food wise is Norm’s Deli downtown. The handmade pierogis and cabbage rolls are unmatched. Also, if you’re a tattoo fiend like me, some of my all time favourite artists are in Bowmanville/Oshawa.

2. I currently have 4 tattoos and 12 piercings, with the strong desire to get more.

3. My favourite colours are pastels mainly, baby blue, mint, lavender, and millennial pink.

4. I have a caffeine addiction which is usually fueled by coffee (mainly iced) and sugar free energy drinks.

5. I don't really care for alcohol too much, I like the occasional beer at Taps or a cocktail on a hot day, but I hate getting drunk and I'm also not fairly comfortable around drunk people unless I'm also drunk. (I don't really do parties anymore for that very reason)

6. I've been pescatarian since Feb 2020 and I've been trying my hardest to use cruelty free personal care products since the beginning of 2020.

7. My favourite CF makeup brands are Colourpop, Milk Makeup, Sugarpill, and Anastasia Beverly Hills.

8. Even though I'm trying really hard right now, I am USELESS when it comes to hair. I don't really know how to curl hair, I don't know how to braid, and I cannot be trusted with bleach (I won't fry your hair, it'll just be very uneven). I'm trying to learn hair curling now, though!

9. I smoke weed almost everyday. Depending on what I smoke with, it actually levels me out anxiety wise and allows me to focus and think like a normal person. I also smoke before bed to help treat my insomnia. On occasion though, I DO like to get mind numbingly stoned.

10. I actually have a hard time getting close to people, predominantly because of my past relationships with toxic people. My broken brain automatically considers most relationships temporary until proven otherwise, in an attempt to protect myself from further heartache. I always want to make new friends, I swear! Just keep interacting with me and I'll open up at some point.

11. I don't shut the fuck up. Ever. I'm either talking my friends' ears off or I'm complimenting a stranger because I can. Let’s just say that I’m a hit with my friends’ parents or family.

12. I LOVE TTRPG, it’s likely my biggest creative outlet right now. I play both DnD 5E and Pathfinder 1E. I partake in 5 games right now.

13. I’m a first time DM! I started a campaign for a bunch of people who are relatively new to DnD a few months ago and it’s been a hit so far! I absolutely love flexing my creative muscles and writing for my friends!

14. I also write as a hobby as well. Mainly fantasy drabble based on my TTRPG characters, but it’s still something.

15. I’m almost always either listening to music or finding new musicians to listen to. I curate playlists all the time and daydream to songs constantly.

16. My favourite artists/bands right now are: Lights, Marianas Trench, Mothica, BMTH, Halsey, Ashnikko, Billy Talent, Stand Atlantic, and a plethora more.

17. I’m technically the oldest in my family. I have a younger brother (also queer and trans, he recently started HRT!!), and a little half sister who is the literal light of my life.

18. I LOVE animals! I have a senior cat, Willow, who does not look or behave like a senior cat. I also have a lionhead/dwarf rabbit named Theodore, or Theo. I’d get more pets if it weren’t for the fact, we don’t really have the room for other animals in our apartment, and also the fact that Willow hates other cats.

19. I’m TERRFIED of bees/wasps. I understand their importance to the world and they can vibe and save the planet as far away from me as possible.

20. My favourite food is sushi. I’m also a massive sushi snob and I have strong opinions on many of the places I’ve been to in my lifetime. The best I’ve had is still this place in Freehold, NJ that I don’t remember the name of. In Ontario, thus far, is tied between Oishi Maki in Whitby, ON, and the St Catharines location for Wind.

21. I’m also a sucker for good bubble tea. It’s one of the easiest ways to win me over.

22. I just love tea in general. Hot or iced. You should see my tea/coffee cupboard, it is PACKED. I’m a huge David’s tea fan but I also like trying other loose-leaf teas as well, and I prefer herbal/fruit infusions over most other teas. Except for chai, you can win me over with a good chai.

23. I marched in a pride parade once! It was the Durham Pride Parade in Oshawa in 2014! I was still very much in the closet at the time, but I did get photographed by the news and everything! I would LOVE to go to Toronto Pride once in my life with a bunch of my other Alphabet Mafia fiends when things die down.

24. I am a shameless collector of Pokemon and Alpacasso plush.

25. Back when we could, I used to go to conventions a lot! I’ve been to Anime North, Fan Expo, and Con Bravo thus far. My favourite out of all of them is easily Con Bravo, but I would LOVE to check out other Ontario conventions when things open up!

#personal #about me #hi!!

1 note · View note

inkblotsandeggshells · 3 years

Text

My take on feminine enbodyment and female empowerment

This concept of modern feminism and pushing men out of the picture affects me differently than the average woman, because I was raised without a dad. When my mom adopted me and my other siblings, she never got married and instead asked her best female friend to step in and help raise all four of us. I was very loved, but I felt that absence of a father all my life. It affected nearly every part of my childhood and teenage years, and it continues to affect my adult life. I wanted to get a boyfriend and eventually get married, but the only constant guy in my life was my older brother. Therefore, I had very few examples of what respectful, good, masculine men looked like.

When I was a sophomore in college, my roommate at the time showed me a YouTube channel called Blimey Cow, and they had made a video called “Ten Ways to get the Right Guy to like You.” I hadn’t thought about this video or this channel in a few years, because they primarily make Christian content. I’m not a Christian anymore, nor do I agree with all the beliefs of Christianity. However, I decided to go back to this video two days ago, because I remembered how these creators directly challenged how our culture defines female empowerment. Specifically they used this video to present that challenge, with an emphasis on noting the difference between female liberation and female objectification. Some of the suggestions they made to help girls find the right guys included showing interest in their hobbies, supporting their local chivalry, letting the guys in their lives know they appreciate them, putting less emphasis on how much skin they show and more emphasis on who they are as a person. As a 20 year old college kid, these young content creators made a bigger impact on my views on men, women and the hyper-sexual movement than I would have thought. As a result, their video gave me the nudge to dive deeper into this topic through writing.

When you first learn of the term “female empowerment”, it sounds attractive enough: women being seen as a force to be reckoned with, authoritative, strong leaders who are goddesses in nearly every way. Rather than being stuck at home to take care of the kids, women are encouraged to pursue their career dreams, step into more masculine leadership roles and “be the boss”, for lack of a better term. It all sounds appealing until you start to dig deeper into what’s behind the phrase “female empowerment.” One big part of how I discovered this occurred last summer.

In July of 2020, I chose to invest a serious amount of money to an online holistic sex course. It was called Well-F*cked Woman, created by a woman named Kim Anami. Through using the tools learned through this six week course, Kim claims to have helped thousands of people all over the world, especially women, to connect with the untapped power of their sexual energy. She believes that a big reason why people are as stressed, unhealthy and unhappy as they are is because they’re not having the right kind of sex. Moreover, they’re not having the right kind of sex often enough. Whether you’re in a couple or single makes no difference. If you want to gain body confidence, get orgasms or even heal ancestral trauma, Kim claims this course would teach you how to obtain all those things by utilizing your sexual energy.

When I read the information on it, I became very intrigued. After several days of listening to her podcasts and reading her blogs, I became more convinced that this course could be a big help for my personal well-being. At the time, my goal was to use the course to heal some of the imbalanced sacral energy I still had. Hopefully, it could even heal some ancestral wounds I carried in my DNA. If I achieved that, finding a romantic partner would be more of a bonus than a direct goal. So when I received the stimulus check from the government, I used that money to pay for the course and one of Kim’s jade yoni eggs.

For each of the six weeks, we would get a video with a written syllabus to discuss different topics, most of which revolved around sex. One week we would focus on self-love practices, one week we would talk about the relationship between sex and money, another week we learned about food, etc. In that first week, I began the exercises easily enough. However, I also started to feel very conflicted about the information we received in this course. For example, in the syllabus about self-love, one of the first statements Kim made about women is that “most have rape fantasies.” Admittedly, I didn’t really understand what that meant or what it was, until a friend told me. Once I did understand it, it bothered me deeply, to say the least. As someone who claimed that her work helped heal women’s sexual trauma, to hear Kim make such a statement right off the bat made me feel uneasy.

In a separate journal, I had written down my progress of the course and some of the conclusions I had made about what it taught and about the woman who taught it. In one entry, I had observed that it seemed to take a lot of money to become a “well-f*cked woman”, by Kim’s standards. If needed, it could possibly add up to hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars. For instance, if you wanted to use a jade egg as a sexual healing tool, that cost $300. The six week course itself cost almost $1000. Kim also recommended using therapy injections to change your neural pathways, if you were a victim of sexual trauma. Just getting one injection is expensive enough, but if you “need” more than one injection or appointment, that will add up fast. Sadly, such treatments are not easily accessible to everyone who wants sexual healing. It certainly wasn’t for me.

Additionally, a recurring message that came up in the course was that it’s important for couples to have sex more than once a week. In this case, it wasn’t talking about the faster paced sex described as being numb and fleeting. On the contrary, Kim wanted us to aim for the slower, orgasmic, breath focused sex where you’re working to maintain and build up a flow of sexual energy. While in some ways, this course educated people on sex differently than our modern culture, some aspects seem pretty similar to me. For example, one night stands are still seen as acceptable situations to practice generating this energy. We were encouraged to practice sex acts two to three times a week, to the point of becoming sex addicts. Also, even though Kim frowned upon pornography, we were still taught to utilize BDSM as a way to create polarity in our relationships. This was to make sure that “spark of passion” was maintained for the long term. Lastly, Kim would sometimes demonstrate problematic double standards when it came to showing examples of how to respect your partner. In one of her stories about “helping” her partner become confident with himself, she talked about making a point to touch his private parts in public, whether he was okay with it or not. If not, she claimed “it was his problem.” In my opinion, if they’re genders had been switched, she would have been called out for her disrespectful behavior immediately among the group.

In this class, Kim discouraged us from using substances like alcohol and drugs during the practice, because of how they damage the body. On the other hand, she promoted addictions to sex as something positive, as something to attain for as a human being. Whether you are in a couple doing the act or you’re a single adult who’s just masturbating, you were encouraged to have some kind of sex several times a week. According to Kim, it needed to get to the point where you felt you couldn’t go about your day without generating this energy. “What an addiction does is that it causes you to stop thinking,” says Michael Knowles, who was a guest on the Candace Owens Show discussing modern feminism. “It enslaves you. It makes you prone to certain behavior, and when you’re not thinking, that’s when the people who want to grab power can come in and force it on you.” Too much of anything can be detrimental for your well-being, on all levels. During a time where protection of boundaries for my spiritual life had become very important, this way of thinking pushed me to discover what kind of boundaries I had and to stick to them. In this case, it lead me to the conclusion that if being like Kim meant being addicted to sex, disrespecting the men I care about, and using methods of sexual control for the sake of “polarity”, then I would rather not be like her at all.

With all that being said, I believe the big question is this: how exactly does the WAP culture of free sex and female empowerment differ from the holistic sex culture I learned about in the summer of 2020? How does our pop culture differ from the Well-F*cked Woman course, in how we’re being educated about sex? In my opinion, one culture pushes the more superficial, fleeting benefits of sex in our faces, while the other pushes for using sex and sexual energy as a way to harness untapped power. This power can, supposedly, be used to energize us, heal our bodies, and manifest things into our lives. Regardless, both cultures seem to be more concerned with using sex to gain power than using it as a means to express true love. Both cultures seem to encourage women to “embrace their femininity” by leaving their underwear off more often. Both cultures seem to promote double standards on how partners should respect each other and their boundaries. Both cultures still push us to become addicted to sex in order to have a fulfilled, happier life, because according to them, every aspect of our lives will disintegrate without it.

As a result of the lockdown, last year turned out to be most isolating time for us, and it was intense enough to put many people into a deep state of depression. At a time when everyone is stuck online and forced to keep further apart, this is when people in the online sex business—holistic or otherwise—will benefit the most from that loneliness. They can use it to make those profits and fill their own pockets. This becomes more obvious when you observe their marketing tactics, including the ones I noticed for Kim Anami’s website: unless you give me your money and do what I tell you to do, you will never be “well-f*cked.” Everything in your life will deteriorate unless you become “well-f*cked.” You will be a brainwashed zombie forever, easily manipulated, unless you become “well-f*cked.”As my friend Lee Yun would say, “These tactics are designed to create an empty void in people that can’t be filled.” In the cases of some individuals, even if they were to try, it would cost them more time, money and energy than they were lead to believe.

For those of you who wonder if I still keep up with the practices I learned from this course, I haven’t. At least, I haven’t kept up to the degree that would be necessary. My jade egg is sitting on my altar collecting dust, even as I write this. Because of the amount of money I spent to buy the egg, this is not something I’m proud to admit. A jade egg is a sacred, special tool that deserves to be put to use for the highest good, and eventually, I will find a teacher that can help me do so. I just don’t want to have to conform to this holistic “WAP” standard to get there.

Surprisingly, by reflecting on my past through watching Blimey Cow’s videos, I realized there are still some values about sex, intimacy and femininity that I learned as a teenage Christian that matter to me now as an adult witch. In my opinion, sex is something very sacred that should not be taken so lightly, because of how it connects you to your partner in an intense, physical and spiritual way. For me, I take it seriously enough to still choose to wait until I get a husband and to choose not to masturbate. Additionally, when I do have sex with my lifelong partner, it will be as much about him as it will be about me. This means respecting and honoring him as a man as well as I know how. In my opinion, if you encourage people to use something like sex to attain higher spiritual goals, but neglect to show basic respect to your partner’s boundaries about his body, then in the words of Jordan Taylor from Blimey Cow, “you’re doing it wrong.”

Michael Knowles interview with Candace Owens on the Candace Owens Show: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejWIEMs8ecg

Blimey Cow’s YouTube video, “Ten Ways to Get the Right Guy to Like You”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iqF_PtugyBk

#blimeycow femaleempowerment feminineembodiment jordantaylor candaceowensshow michaelknowles #the daily wire #holisticsex #menmatter

2 notes · View notes

poloniumicecream · 4 years

Text

i was tagged by @starryeyedagony and @hashbrownteamcobrakai for this absurdly long list of personal questions <3 no one could possibly need to know this much about me, but let’s go

 1. what is the color of your hairbrush? i just... use my hand.... i keep my hair short, it curls and does its own thing

2. name a food you never eat:  idk i’ll eat what’s offered to me?? i buy what’s easy?? i have no strong food opinions at the moment

3. are you typically too warm or too cold? i have this bird bone body like an ailing victorian child, anything under 70º and i’m freezing

4. what were you doing 45 minutes ago? was trying to be productive but instead found a good link to the blue lick horror house🙏 idk what’s so fascinating about this thing, but i can’t let it go. maybe bc i have nightmares that resemble this space?? anyway i live here now

5. what’s your favorite candy bar? reeses never lets me down

6. have you ever been to a professional sports game?  memories blocked, sports too boring to think about

7. what is the last thing you said out loud? i regret to admit i am reading this out loud as i go

8. what is your favorite ice cream? idk but the worst i ever had was peanut butter

9. what was the last thing you had to drink? some faintly bleachy tap water, delicious

10. do you like your wallet? i use a coin purse to hold cards and cash - it's a pretty recognizable bright colored mass produced one. a while back there was a popular celebrity on the periphery of my friend group (don’t ask pls) and one time at a bar or something i had my "wallet" out and from across the room they locked eyes with me and pulled the Same One out of their pocket. pretty sure it was weed tho. but imagine carrying ur weed in a normal bill-fold wallet. that would have been funnier :/

11. what is the last thing you ate?  lost in the turbine of my memory

12. did you buy any new clothes last weekend? i did not but i just got a new desk lamp, genuinely v excited for that to arrive

13. what’s the last sporting event you watched?  i don't think this question applies to my experiences

14. what is your favorite flavor of popcorn? popcorn smells are compelling but if i eat things that stick in my teeth i'll lose my entire mind. wait this is it, the answer to number 2

15. who is the last person you sent a text message to? close inner circle group chat planning our surprise private island getaway. no but we’re making (safe!) halloween plans

16. ever been camping? not as often as usual this year but yes! see above

17. do you take vitamins?  those gummy ones like fruit snacks

18. do you regularly attend a place of worship?  nah

19. do you have a tan? i'm ghostly

20. do you prefer Chinese or pizza? i'm pickier about pizza. u can't go wrong with chinese

21. do you drink your soda through a straw? no...?

22. what color socks do you usually wear? mostly dark but i have some fluffy pastel ones specifically bc the contrast in my laundry is funny to me

23. do you ever drive above the speed limit? i'm gay i don't drive

24. what terrifies you?  third date kind of question!

25. look to your left, what do you see? dying jade plants and beyond these, a cat's loving gaze

26. what chore do you hate most?  vacuuming. loud

27. what do you think of when you hear an Australian accent?  family

28. what’s your favorite soda?  dr pepper only. i don't really drink soda tho. i was raised by the kind of parents who put fruit juice in seltzer and sold me that lie. i guess it stuck

29. do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? there are so many food questions in this list pls

30. what’s your favorite number?  secret information

31. who’s the last person you talked to?  my father. probably the person i've spoken with out loud the most this year

32. favorite meat? i no longer eat meat

33. last song you listened to? it’s been a war on drugs kind of week

34. last book you read?  i can't read

35. favorite day of the week?  something cool about a thursday, i can't explain it

36. can you say the alphabet backwards?  feeling very interrogated rn

37. how do you like your coffee? however it wants to be. i for real cannot supply food or beverage opinions like this on demand PLS

38. favorite pair of shoes?  generic black leather lace up boots

39. time you normally get up? i'm drawing my shades and peering suspiciously outside through a crack rn

40. what do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? ok when ur out somewhere with no artificial light and it makes the sky more dramatic and cool, either one is good

41. how many blankets are on your bed? not enough, season transitions are rough

42. describe your kitchen plates? ... grandma is that u?

43. describe your kitchen at the moment:  it's clean, it's fine, grandma get out of here

44. do you have a favorite alcoholic drink?  among the friends i drink with, one is a skilled bartender and we let him surprise us with whatever obscure drink he thinks each person should have that night. i would trust him with my life. conversely i just remembered my very best friend is also a bartender but him i wouldn’t let serve me anything except straight from the bottle. hm. what i’m trying to say is, the company i keep is more important to me than what's in the glass. should i also clarify i made these friends before they pursued this work and i’m not, like, frequenting bars to harass the staff? this answer is a mess lol

45. do you play cards?  i don’t have a great attention span for learning or enduring things like that

46. what color is your car?  u know what's funny is how much junk mail i get with car insurance offers. i wonder what color they think the car i've never had is

47. can you change a tire? 100% no and that would not stop me trying. it won’t be my car so i have nothing to lose and all of myself (also nothing) to give

48. your favorite state or province? idk i feel like a stranger everywhere i go except nyc

49. favorite job you’ve had? ok, mr. fbi i think that's enough

😔 i have not kept track of who’s been tagged or done this already, and the links will kill my tags anyway. do u have shit u need help procrastinating on? here, try this

#yes i am avoiding tasks #come join #tag game #...formatting text is my passion🐸

8 notes · View notes

theharellan · 4 years

Text

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; Mun & Muse - Meme.

fill out & repost ♥ This meme definitely favors canons more, but I hope OC’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. Multi-Muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm. tagged by: stolen from @dansiere tagging: @ghiassan, @deathsreflection, @altuspavus, @windrunnerrs (velanna), @hopewrought, @willbeshot, @seahaloed (iron bull), @asterfed (noctis), @ anyone who wants to steal it! also multis feel free to choose a different character

My muse is: canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless / complicated (i’m open to roleplaying with non-dragon age characters, and have AUs for other fandoms)

Is your character popular in the fandom? YES / NO. solas is both wildly popular and wildly hated. he’s been more consistently popular than the controversial women in the series, like sera or vivienne, who have only recently begun to get to the point where their tags are less vitriolic (although i’m sure it’s still out there), but there’s still a sizable hatedom that can’t have his name breathed in their vicinity w/o them talking abt how much they hate him. even if you’re currently cosplaying him!

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK. again, you have ppl who are super into him and ppl who think he’s ugly. my personal opinion is that i think he’s weirdly pretty, and wish ppl would commit more to his unconventional features rather than try to chisel him into sb more traditionally attractive and that ppl who don’t find him attractive would maybe chill w/ calling him ugly. find him unattractive by all means, but lets embrace the fact that inquisition let their love interests have skin flaws etc and accept that some won’t be our cups of tea.

Is your character considered strong in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK. its hard to deny at this point tbh.

Are they underrated? YES / NO / IDK. frustrating as the hate in the tags he has enough fans that i couldnt say he’s underrated w/ a straight face.

Were they relevant for the main story? YES / NO. he’s the reason the game starts with a bang and not the inevitable dissolution of the conclave b/c the sides are disparate.

Were they relevant for the main character? YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG. regardless of solas’ relationship with the inquisitor, there are parallels and contrasts in their stories and he also is the reason they survive inquisition.

Are they widely known in their world? YES / NO. fen’harel is well-known and revered, if feared, among the dalish, yet at the same time he’s not remembered for a lot besides locking the gods away-- and the context of that decision has also been lost. as solas he’s relatively unknown until inquisition and especially trespasser.

How’s their reputation? GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL. again, polarising!! he has loyal agents and people are willing to speak well of him despite everything, including his enemies sometimes (depending mostly on the inquisitor).

How strictly do you follow canon? — generally i try to have a canon basis for my interpretation, even if i interpret the text differently than the author.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals. — solas is an immortal who is simultaneously jaded and very much invested in the small moments of life. far from being weary of the day-to-day lives of ordinary people, it is systems and orders he is most tired of. he walks an interesting line that feels far less misanthropic than other immortal characters i’ve experienced, yet still he’s quite cynical. as a character who has fought against religious based tyranny before, but in a completely different era, he is in a unique position where what he sees around him is both horrifyingly familiar and yet completely new. it allows an exploration of the wrongs of thedas’ society from an outsider’s perspective. his motivations are complex and multifaceted, often condemnable and yet also understandable. his character arc in inquisition (if befriended, or regardless in the case of my solas) takes him from a dispassionate, disconnected antagonist to someone deeply invested in the people of thedas, deeply conflicted and actively hoping he will be proven wrong again. i think his story is a testament to human (or elven, or dwarven, or-) connection and how even when we resist we can’t resist creating bonds with the people in our lives. i personally see this bond going beyond the inquisitor hence why i play low-approval solas as conflicted as high-approval, if not when it comes to the inquisitor.

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?). — solas is selfish and motivated solely by revenge, he’s clinging to a past that clearly no longer exists, if you ignore all the people from it who are still alive. he’s totally unaware of all his flaws and never owns up to any mistakes ever. no, i haven’t listened to a single word solas has said in my life why do you ask. he’s also critical of my faves which means he’s #cancelled, there is clearly no validity to what he’s saying. ksjdf no but in all seriousness i think a lot of reasons ppl don’t find solas interesting are just... weird readings of his character that sometimes have no basis in the text of inquisition, but also there are plenty of perfectly valid reasons to not find him interesting. usually those ppl don’t like... talk abt how much they don’t find him interesting constantly tho. they just chill and aren’t invested in this particular villain. for one thing i think the game missed out on opportunities for exploring how someone who may not have even had a body at the beginning of his existence would feel about gender and sexuality, so making him presumably straight and cis was a boring choice. i also think that the dragon age games being very protagonist-centric hurts solas’ character, there’s no real reason why the inquisitor is the only one who can throw his plans into question but making the player the center of the universe means he’s not allowed to change due to the effects of other companions or NPCs. thank god this is rp and i do what i want.

What inspired you to rp your muse? — i have a history degree so when the inquisition companions were being teased, solas describing bias in primary sources from the memories he’s seen got me interested in him. but my first playthrough i didn’t actually take him with me all too often, i think my main party was dorian-blackwall-varric. i liked him, and i think he or dorian were my first friends in skyhold, but my initial interest was in other characters. between his dialogue that appealed to the historian in me tho and how his spirit opinions sort of turned everything i’d felt about spirits in the last two games on its head, i started vibing with him more the farther i went in. like merrill set me up for the “spirits are people” thing and solas hit it out of the park. then temple of mythal happened, and i did bring solas with me there. i found his dialogue fascinating and also suspicious, i’d just finished masked empire like the day before da:i came out so i definitely thought solas was an ancient elf in the same vein as felassan. it was after temple of mythal that i actually decided to make his blog, although like as one idk linchpin to cement my status as solas trash... i was hit BAD by the banter bug on my first playthrough, probably got like a dozen banters total. but then at some point late in the game i took solas to the forbidden oasis and he wouldn’t stop talking to people, and i really loved his banter with the rest of my party at the time.

What keeps your inspiration going? — replaying inquisition, new DA content when the bioware gods deign to grant us a lifeline, but the biggest thing is my rp partners. i wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for the people i write with, new and old. my activity of late hasn’t been the best, work and the summer heat has really been sapping me of energy, and does even during years when we aren’t going through a pandemic. but it’s the thought of my rp partners and love of solas that keeps me coming back.

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice? YES / NO / I SINCERELY HOPE I DO? i have my doubts sometimes, but i think i do ok.

Do you frequently write headcanons? YES / NO / SORT OF? there is no headcanon too small for me.

Do you sometimes write drabbles? YES / NO. but not lately * gestures to the low activity * i’ve been in this cycle where i get anxious abt late replies, so prioritise them, then burn myself out and can’t write the fics i want. i’ve had two i’ve been DYING to write tho i just... need to find the space in my brain to let myself.

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day? YES / NO. i mean it depends on the day. if i work closing shifts at my store it gets very quiet and boring around 8:30 so i spent the next 90 minutes thinking about character stuff.

Are you confident in your portrayal? YES / NO / SORT OF?

Are you confident in your writing? YES / NO / SOMETIMES.

Are you a sensitive person? YES / NO / SORTA.

Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal? — i’m going to say ‘no’ because like, i don’t ask for criticism. this is a hobby based on my interpretation of a character, if you think i write solas too soft then you’re welcome to think that, but i’m happy with the balance i’ve struck with his internal versus external behaviour and how he changes based upon who he’s speaking to. if you think i’m erasing straight people by making solas pan then ksjdfs. ok.

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character? — yes!!! even if they retread ground already trodden, a) my interpretation may have adjusted since the last time i played or b) a reminder is nice. if it’s new stuff then it’s fun to think about.

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why? — it’d depend on why they disagree. if they just disagree on a subjective opinion about what i took from a certain line, then they’re welcome to their opinion but i don’t necessarily care to hear it. if it is unintentionally hurtful then i would like to know. although rather than a comment i’d rather a non-anonymous message.

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it? — same as the above.

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it? — if they’re vocal about it i typically just unfollow / softblock if i was following in the first place. people can feel how they want about solas, but i’ve found over the years that if people really hate solas ooc it can often bleed into their ic interactions. it’s really weird seeing your character being brought up repeatedly in threads with others specifically to dunk on, for no reason other than i guess solas is living rent free in their heads, so at least we have that in common. but anyway unfollowing is just the best choice to avoid getting kinda pressed if i’m having a bad day.

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors? — roleplay is the wild west of writing, so i think it’d depend on what the error was. coming at me like “you shouldn’t start a sentence with a preposition” would get a laugh, but i don’t edit my replies much if at all and mistakes will 100% happen. pointing out typos is chill so long as you do it politely.

Do you think you are easy going as a mun? — it depends! i’ve learned that being too easy going actually just means i’m subjecting myself to negative emotions to please people. so i’ve gotten less easy going as the years go by. how does one define “easy going” anyway? does asking that question mean i am objectively not easy going? the longer this thought goes on the more the answer seems to be “probably not,” but i like to think it could be a lot worse.

#( long post )#( ooc )#( about me )

11 notes · View notes