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luminae-system · 2 months

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(Danny, as almost always, speaking)

Venty ramble-ish post of the day under the cut as promised in the update (ended up a long post, sorry)

If anyone wants a quick summary, there is a tldr bolded and green at the bottom! Would love some advice if anyone is nice enough to share their experiences and stuff.

Tw: General negative thinking, obsessive/repetitive thinking, ocd-like tendencies, lots of self-doubt, system doubt/self denial, brief neglect(? Descriptions, brief abuse mention (tell us if we missed something else)

I've been thinking of System Origins (xyz-genic) lately. Something about messy thoughts and obsessive patterns and stuff, our psychiatrist calls it "cow chewing" or something like that (since January, our memory has been shit, sorry).

So. I'm afraid to label us as traumagenic because like, as I mentioned in the notes of a reblog this week, we never went through traditional abuse, we had food and education and shelter and all that good stuff.

Maybe mom was down in the dumps herself, and dad was always away on a buissness trip, not to mention mom having to deal with three kids at the same time... so we never really got enough love and attention. We were loved ofc, and I am grateful for all mom did for us.

But like... her best wasn't enough in many ways, that's why we're in therapy since like 11 and always go off the deep end whenever we try to go long periods without a session (monthly sessions seems to be the stretch/limit). And well, we have more diagnoses than fingers in one hand already, wonderful! So funny! Amazing! /sarcasm

So, anyways, back to the topic. We never really lacked anything, were never abused, and the emotional neglect wasn't thaaat bad and totally not on propose. So... was it enough to form a traumagenic CDD system? Are we really disordered?

I do have emotional amnesia in the rare times we've managed to get someone else to be the main fronter, and we do have some ptsd symptoms but like... we do have a separate ptsd diagnosis bc of my ex-bf (another story/post, bad bad guy) and the childhood ptsd-like symptoms are nowhere in the same level as when we first got the diagnosis of the other ptsd.

And looking at posible diagnosis, Partial DID (pdid) is so so so close to what we experience! That's like, us! Main frontstuck host with other headmates acting as 'advisors' and less fronting and more passive influence and co-conciousness (even if we are monoconcious, it's a bit weird, don't wanna think too hard about it)

But like... I didn't start having "multiple people in my head" until like I was 14. Or atleast being conscious of it I guess. That's way past the age threshold for identity consolidation and thus traumagenic system formation...

So are we "disordered enough" to qualify as a disordered/CDD system? Would we make a mockery of "real" disordered systems to self-diagnose that?

I've been thinking of sharing with our current psychologist. The last one dismissed my concerns and said I was being a hypochondriac (god, it's always that excuse! Even with our physical health, which, yes, another post/story).

I'm scared of being wrong. What if I really am just talking to myself and making a sorta tulpamancy thing on accident? Ofc nothing wrong with that, but it would change our system dynamics a lot.

On the flipside, if we really are a traumagenic system... now what? I doubt there are any specialized psychologists for systems in our town... so yeah. Not sure what we would do after a hypothetical informal/formal diagnosis by our psychologist and/or psychiatrist.

Gosh. This is... a lot. And I tried to be brief. Sorry, and if anyone did read it all, thank you so much for caring about us! (Or being curious I guess lol). I'd love some advice

So, tldr: No abuse, only some emotional neglect on accident. Is it trauma enough for traumagenic? We disordered enough for a diagnosis? What if yes? What if not?

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Bonus info for anyone(s) who want to give us advice (thank you!!!!)

System of 3

One front-stuck host and two "advisors"

Daena is a sorta reformed persecutor and sorta trauma holder?

Aelius is our protector (he is taking a long nap/trip somewhere in the brain, miss him)

Danny (me) and Daena are two sides of the same coin, share a lot of traits and stuff even if personality is different, basically like a median system.

Aelius is fully separate from us gals

Dissociation has been very common since we were a very young kid, especially derealization, though depersonalization did happen a lot too. Therapy has helped a lot in terms of grounding

Not much in terms of Amnesia I think? Like, maybe I'm not aware of something, but we do remember our childhood well enough to tell anecdotes and funny stories

We do have emotional amnesia tho, mostly with taking care of the body and household chores (remembering something but like, I did not do that. The memory spawned by itself???)

Uhhh ask for more details if needed!!!

#-Danny #Danny✨️#//#luminar rambles #pluralgang #tw syscourse #syscourse tw #<- ? (just in case)#luminae system #tw vent #tw spiral #tw spiraling #long post under the cut #pdid #partial did #questioning system #< ? i guess #tw neglect #tw abuse

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spookyserenades · 4 months

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I’m not much of a commenter (which is super hypocritical since receiving comments is my kryptonite lol), but I just felt like I needed to. I cannot describe how much I enjoy your work; I’m absolutely floored by the sheer word counts you dash out so consistently. Nothing ever feels choppy, and the scenes flow nicely into each other! Your funny moments are funny, your sad ones are crushing, and everything else in between is iconic.

I guess I was wondering just how you manage to stay so consistent? I write chapters that usually range between 13-17k myself, but I can’t seem to stick with a consistent updating schedule. How often do you write? Do you sit down daily and write just a little, or do you sit down occasionally but manage a few k each time?

Also, I cannot stress this enough how natural everyone’s relationship in Trouvaille is. I feel like it’s realistic that none of the boys would be immediately too keen with the mc but that they also wouldn’t stay distant forever? It felt special being able to gradually read about their developments, and I feel like once the mc gets with more of the boys eventually, it’ll be so rewarding? Idk, but I just cannot wait. The latest chapter ending scene with Jin has me so on edge; I can sense the angst from here—

Regardless, (and sorry for my rambling) I love your work!

—M

Hellooo love! I'm so happy to hear from you, thank you fro reading Trouvaille and sending me some love, I'm glad to have you here 🥺💕

Thank you for your sincere compliments, too 😭❤️ I haven't had someone mention the length of the chapters in a while-- they're big bois!! The last two chapters have been a bit shorter, but sometimes you say all that you need to without necessarily hitting the original wc estimate. I'm so happy to hear that the flow is smooth, and that you're enjoying the humorous moments (loveeee sneaking in things my mom have said before, her one-liners kill!) and I'm eeeeee you're too sweet thank you thank you 😭💕

As for consistency! I love this question, because I might have pulled the wool over your eyes. I started writing Trouvaille summer of 2022, and wrote up to Chapter 6 before I ever began posting on Tumblr. Between July 2022 - July 2023 I had chapters on "reserve" so really I'd just edit them before posting them.... Now, not so much the case. I write each chapter (since 8) each month, which admittedly can be a bit stressful, but it honestly forces me to write consistently and constantly. I think that can be a potentially good thing for writers who struggle to actually put pen to paper, having a "deadline" monthly, but every writer is different!

Additionally, I'm not the best person to ask about writing schedules,,, unfortunately I am a procrastinator so OFTEN I binge-write for hours on end. I recommend setting aside an hour or two a day to write if time allows you to do so, rather than type nonstop for 8 hours the day before an update LMAO!! I definitely want to become the writer that does bit by bit every day to cut down on the stress. I also want to say that once I stopped pressuring myself to make EVERY update 20k+words, things flowed a little more easily. It's better to have a shorter update that's concise and has everything you want to say, rather than bulking it up with filler.

Thank you so so much for loving all of the character's relationships so far, too 🥺 I know slow burn isn't for everyone, but it always felt more natural for me to write the hybrids as slow-to-trust, considering the world they live in in Trouvaille. I agree with you, when everyone starts to grow closer and closer over time, the sweet moments will seem even sweeter after all of the angst and growing 💕

Thank you again for reading, M, and I'm sending you so much love (and energy to keep on writing!!)

#trouvaille #m #asks #dana's thoughts

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yoshi-p · 5 years

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everyone and their dog is doing it and everyone is absolutely allowed to share their opinions so i want a turn but first let me clarify:

hello im yase, been around since 1.0. I am of turkish and nogai descent and i can speak fluently in tatar, turkish but my english doesn’t hold 100% so i will be all over the place.

Unfortunately this will all be word of mouth and may be taken as vague posting, but I have experienced issues since the release of 4.0 and would like to give my opinions. I want to let this all off my chest this is just a huge vent basically so i guarantee my english will be terrible.

the most important point: NEVER EVER SPEAK FOR ANOTHER CULTURE. NEVER EVER SPEAK ABOUT A CULTURE YOU DON’T KNOW. YOU HAVE SPREAD FALSE INFORMATION AND I AM SO HURT.

another point is ITS A VIDEO GAME GUYS (does not apply to everything but some people really need to take a step back because people are concerned.)

Here’s the hot topic I’ll talk of first: garleans. I personally do not play one as I prefer to play characters that would never be involved in a sense with the political agenda because in real life im too stupid to comprehend anything like that so i wouldn’t even know how my character would behave with the hot topics. I really do think people need to take a step back and see that everyone who is putting in their input is making solid points but personally I would never compare them to nazi germany though I see why people are generalising. I always saw it as tsardom of russia with the use of roman influence as well, something obvious in naming conventions and the way the ranks/monarchy(?) works but it’s not so clear what the main influences of most places in this game if you have a look at the bigger picture. Without like full on spoiling, its weird to have this view to me with the knowledge that ascians are behind this. Are you implying anyone who plays or was influenced by ascians is also under this umbrella?

Also why THE HELL WOULD YOU TAG SOMETHING KNOWING IT WOULD GET A LOT OF TRACTION AND RESPONSE THEN BE LIKE “you guys misunderstood, I was expressing my feelings” lol no. “ I don’t understand where this is coming from, and at this point, I don’t really want to.” then why did you even fucking bother do it in private dont tag it.

You are COMPLETELY valid to feeling uncomfortable, it is fine because with how much of this world we have there will be aspects some of us don’t like. You are not inclined to involve yourself with someone if they roleplay as a garlean but you do not need to start publicising it in a way that will paint the community in black and white when its truly a wider spectrum.

YOU CHOOSE WHO YOU INVOLVE YOURSELF WITH AND WHO YOU PLAY WITH, PLEASE GET AWAY FROM PEOPLE WHO GIVE YOU NEGATIVE FEELINGS OR YOU’LL SPREAD IT TO OTHERS.

from that initial and very brief tagged post there popped up many others and new discourse is arising, opening discussions about many things which is better then being blind to it all. but if you have personal grievances with someone and you state its over, let it be over. It’s not healthy behaviour. it’s also troubling to see someone complain a lot about the game and continue to play, no one is forcing you or holding a gun to your head. take breaks if you need to and play less frequently. like, real life is so much more important and there are people in this community that prioritise relationships with players etc.

Also, please stop fucking talking about mongolian/turkic/turkish culture like you know things. 99% of the big mouths in this community are americans. like majority are white americans.

over the course of this expansion i have had many people of varied backgrounds share with me some terrible experiences and i myself have seen some truly stupid shit.

WE ARE HERE TO HELP YOU LEARN OF OUR CULTURE AND WHERE TO CONTINUE DOING SO. DO NOT INTERPRET MEDIA AS ACCURATE REPRESENTATION OF CULTURE.

it is absolutely not hard to tag a post and ask around, someone will pop up. I’ve been doing my very best to let everyone i know that i can help with learning about my culture or to find someone who would be more then happy to explain and share with other cultures. But when you go off of a documentary you saw of Genghis khan or only know of the tourist white people scenes of istanbul you as a community say some TRULY dumb shit.

I like to try and be patient because i myself when approaching someone of a culture i admire and am curious about i want that in turn. But if you say to me things like “Ainu aren’t real” or “Tatar people have nothing in common with tribes from the Altai mountains” its hard to do so.

FFXIV regions are not just “Germany” “Turkey” “Mongolia”. If you think this, it’s clear to me you don’t know shit and are too lazy to explore, further just google shit its not that hard. I had someone tell me that my people could never be in this game since its “Straight up mongolia” fucks sake NO ITS NOT. The designs vary and i can see the differences in simple things like words because i actually bother to do research even coming from a turkic culture. There were some beautiful little things dropped that linked to not only my people but others like Uyghur and Altai. The only place in FFXIV i think could only have a singular influence is Kugane, because from a foreigner’s perspective that’s already interesting enough. Many people have grievances and real issues with how SE has handled Doma’s influences and no one ever talks about that. Representation for asia in media has turned into this mess of specific east asian countries, the trio that even then gets categorized into China/Japan with brief mentions of Korean culture.

Its frustrating. There are people who are happy to teach you. Who are willing to show what is wrong with the picture.

I have read several posts about Turkey/istanbul/Antalya. Yall fuckin weird you guys seem to think its in U.A.E or some shit with how you act. It’s in the Mediterranean/Europe/Asia/Middle East and there is no such thing as a specific looking Turkish person. You claim everyone is specifically white/brown, HELL NO. It’s a mixed nation and that’s the history of the land, if you had ever fucking stepped in turkey and spoke to any person on the street they’ll say their heritage that lead them to there. People claim Ala mhigo’s influences are turkey but i have yet to see that. As someone who has lived there and has heritage there and is strongly connected to that culture, i dont see it. sure the ala mhigan gown had patternings but thats also present in my nogai culture too because parts of turkey’s society descended from the line of the Kayi tribe. Just fucking LEARN TO READ GUYS. None of you guys even know what the altai mountains mean and i could sit and explain over and over again if you let people SPEAK.

Look at Thavnairian items. We have outfits that are completely different, a full length dress and then a bustier. you can’t start generalising things in video games to be one culture you have to realise most places in this game have several influences. We don’t know a lot but everything we have been given has been varied enough to pin point it to ONLY one influence.

I don’t want to just keep going about this simply because im growing frustrated.

The thing with Viera complaints. I think some are valid but some are stupid. For one as I make this post it hasn’t even been confirmed so there is no reason for policing Viera to a severe extent. Considering all the Ivalice content in game has been an alternate universe kind of thing its dumb as shit. But feol viera being made without understanding the knowledge that people who have played rw picked up is quite frustrating. As a community, its important to help people when we have information that others may need that they cant understand the context of.

I know people are worried about them being fetishized, that is my legitimate fear too as a huge ivalice fan. But this is a repeated cycle especially when we consider generalizations like miqo’te especially seekers and belly dancing or when au ra arrived and people thought xaela were genghis khan basically.

The game is not solid, there are so many holes in the lore and the plots and i know people hate that but we fill the gaps with our own opinions and theories. While I understand some people think we need to move forward in 2019 because “japan is xenophobic”, its a very difficult thing to do. THEY DO HIRE PEOPLE FOR CULTURE ADVISING. THEY TRAVEL OFTEN AND DEVELOP WITH THIS. IT’S NOT LIKE THEY WENT ON GOOGLE AND SAID “yeah a japan land would be fun” they literally have people hired specifically for this stuff. however, at the end of the day its a company that has yet to show it can evolve with the times. Its becoming more and more evident with the recent patterns of main titles in FF and side projects having so many issues in story/lore/management. remember 1.0 basically died being absolute garbage and this is salvaged from that.

its really late and i had a terrible evening so i may not be making the most sense but theres more important things to worry about then to make this game a miserable experience when it could be a huge learning opportunity for everyone. There’s no need to generalise people into categories because of characters they choose to develop but its important to note with majority of people standing up higher on the pedestal are those speaking for the minorities groups that have direct influences in the game.

also lol if you fucking say ainu aren’t real to me one more time i will fucking throttle you

#this ended up being ramblings which i seem to make monthly lol

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watercolorwillowbrook · 5 years

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Let’s talk about the REAL story (spoilers)

Ramble warning ahead. All recall too because I gave the comics away aaaaages ago.

Okay kids. I am an old lady. Back in my day we didn’t have the cartoon (yet), we had the comics and my parents HATED the fact that I read x-men (due to the way the women were portrayed)

But let’s talk about what those comics were and why the movies make me physically ill. Especially in regards to jean, Phoenix, and dark phoenix. One— Jean is lacking in the movies. More often than not she is just portrayed as the ass that Wolverine wants but can’t have. What was she really— Jean’s power came about from her LITERALLY stopping someone’s soul from passing into the afterlife. That friend that everyone glazes over? Yeah, that soul. AS A CHILD. If I recall correctly. Professor x even admits to the fact (in early issues) that she potentially is more powerful than him as a psychic and telepath, though her telepathy is bound at that point. He knew from day one when he came to help her, AS A CHILD, that she was one of the most powerful minds in the universe. And he wasn’t the only one to notice. There are clear hints that Phoenix, as an entity, saw this struggle to keep her friend, and intervened at the risk of Jean being dragged into the afterlife along with her friend. During her early days with professor x, he purposely bound her powers because she lacked maturity and wisdom. Her wreckless emotional abandon was what nearly killed her, and he recognized that she needed a normal life experience to learn how to cope and use them effectively later on. Not to mention that she was being driven into insanity. She fears her powers to the point of her health deteriorating, and it gets to a point where professor x has to help redirect her to focus on normalcy. The first time she really uses her power without fear is to pull up a psychic hologram of Scott, who she had developed feelings for. (Side note, the whole time her parents have no idea she’s a mutant. They just think she is emotionally disturbed.)

Fast forward to the x-men getting caught up in intergalactic bullshit. Now, the comics were by far more telling than anything else. The movie glazed and the cartoon had to skip over some stuff to meet a rating standard. But literally, when Jean took over the ship to take everyone home there were multiple scenes of how radiation continually hit her and how she was withering away, her hair was falling out, her skin was mottled and dying, her muscles were disintegrating... she literally was being fried to death. It was pretty graphic. Her will to save her friends, and her love for them, and once again her fucking mental strength caught the eye of the Phoenix— now the Phoenix is a literal force. It has no physical form and cannot experience anything on its own. So, in exchange for helping her (and subsequentally making her pretty much immortal) the Phoenix approaches Jean And makes a deal. Power for a chance to be a living, feeling being. On that note, we see something that will come back later— we already know Jean will do anything out of love for her friends, but also, we see that she’s scared to die. And that is important for later, and it completely makes her relatable.

So, they all live and times goes on. Now if you pay attention throughout the ensuing issues, you notice that Jean GRADUALLY becomes more powerful, more ruthless, and more sexual. She goes from being a very demure woman to a very provocative one. So how did it happen? Now I missed this as a kid because it was all subtle (comics were censored a lot so everything had to be implied) when I reread the series after the cartoon in the 90s came out, it clicked more for me. So during a fight with magneto, a huge chunk of the x-men get lost in the savage lands. Only Jean and beast make it back. Thinking everyone dead, professor x goes with lillandra into space and beast runs off to join the... avengers? I think? I am pretty sure. ANYWAY. This leaves Jean all alone, so she goes to Muir island, since Moira was pretty tight with her. Starting from the flight over, Mastermind fucks with her head— and you see this in flashbacks and thoughts from him as the story progresses. He approaches her as a priest on the flight to get her to confide in him, then again approaches her at a beach where he literally ends up sleeping with her (raping, really, since he is manipulating the situation) and then running into her as Jason. This takes place over a good few months, and that is when Emma Frost provides a way for mastermind to infiltrate Jean’s thoughts and start giving her mental illusions of a past life where Jean was married to mastermind and they were in love. And Jean falls for it because emotionally she is starved— Scott is dead to her at this time. Again the cartoon and several remakes forget to include this. Jean herself is beyond loyal, and the only reason she fell for any of it was under the belief that Scott died.

SO, this manipulation goes on for about a year and a half until BAM, the x-men manage to get home and suddenly scott isn’t dead anymore. (Emotionally whiplash. This shift happens a lot.) To speak to her character, Jean inmediately tells him everything. Scott had a bit of a fling too, but they both decide what happened, happened, but that they want to be together. La la laaaa...

For what good it does. ANYWAY. Time goes on and we continue to see an escalation in Jean’s behavior. She gets more aggressive and savage, dresses more provocative. She gets her Mack in with angel in front of everyone (Lol it’s meant to be innocent, but Jean/ Phoenix are also highly aware that warren pursued her when she was younger.) off and on, she has dreams and visions of her and Jason in the 1800s or whenever, where she is deemed the black queen of the hellfire club. Then the M’krann crystal saga goes down. MORE shit goes down in which Scott and the others start to suspect that the hellfire club is part of it (you know, instead of just being a kinky sex club. They should have just stayed in that lane imo)

So, they have this great idea to crash a hellfire party. Unfortunately it’s been YEARS, and mastermind has continued to work on Jean this whole time, so it is no problem for him to manipulate her into turning on her friends and joining them. She literally thinks she is doing it for the love of her life. (Mastermind) really whatn he does is he psychically manipulates her into succumbing to the personality HE has designed for her as the black queen.

At some point Jean and Scott do a fucking Vulcan mind meld thing, and they are in each other’s heads, mmk? This is before they crash the party. So while scott is all kinky bondaged up, he tries to reach her telepathically. Mastermind catches him and psychically kills him. He, as most people do, underestimate Jean. Seeing Scott killed sets her off and she reverts back. Now we see a brutal side to Jean here as she literally psychically drives mastermind into a state of insanity. I am pretty sure she puts white queen into a coma too. Anyway, this is just a taste of what is happening. A fight ensues and they all leave, but on their way out a bunch of shit hits Jean.

1. She realizes she had been fucked with over and over for years.

2. Mastermind literally mentally and physically raped her. Over the course of years.

3. She enjoyed the feeling of turning on her friends and having the adoration of the hellfire club AND tormenting frost and mastermind.

So, Jean also feels guilt for it all, and unable to really cope, she mentally seems to collapse which allows the Phoenix (which is an entity that craves feelings) to rush in and grab all those dark emotions and run with them. Because Jean wouldn’t let Phoenix experience it— she regressed those feelings in herself.

That is how dark Phoenix came about. The cartoon and movies make it all appear to happen over a short course, but the truth of the matter is, she was mentally manipulated and physically assaulted over the course of YEARS by the hellfire club. I recognize that some of this isn’t appropriate for cartoons, and it would be Difficult to show in a movie that’s only a couple hours long. However it does an injustice to Jean’s character because she RESISTED for such a long time because she was strong, and a good person. She didn’t just get her rocks off on power right away and loose her shit. It was trauma after trauma.

ANYWAY, after a huge battle and getting Jean back under control, the fkn Shi’arr (Sp?) pop in to be the galaxy police, eventually Jean goes back to being Phoenix, as a stepping stone to being dark Phoenix again. There was a battle so it wasn’t for anything, literally once again all of her friends were being harmed in effort to protect her. (Even though she killed billions of people by snacking on a star and destroying a solar system buuuuuut...) Jean still had a lot of control, and on the blue side of the moon comes a few realizations

1. This wasn’t who she wanted to be

2. She is tortured by the understanding she killed billions of people (Remember that Jean is a loving and kind person who has a fear of death both for herself and others)

3. She cannot live an immortal life always being in control and being unable to slip at any moment. Literally a prisoner within herself.

It at this point we see more of Jean’s strength. Jean who, from day one has feared death, now accepts that it is the only way to truly protect everyone that she loves. Granted they all try to stop her, but in the end she takes her own life. This puts an end to her being an uncontrollable force, as Phoenix goes back to being an entity without a physical manifestation, and stops the feud between the aliens and the x-men.

This is why each medium and how things are presented is important. With comics being released in (originally) 8 page monthly installments, the reader really got a sense of the time for the story to build up. The pacing was there. With the animation and the movies, it all feels rushed and kind of forced— hence why I personally do not care for them. I have to look at them in a different way, but to me, there is a lot more power in the comics.

Just my two cents. Imma shush now.

#spoilers #jean grey #x-men #dark phoenix #phoenix #marvel #comics

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kandismon · 7 years

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Would you be okay sharing how you make money from your art now, and how you got there? You seem so happy in that post you made a while back, and in your tags sometimes!

hiya nonny

sorry for the late reply, i knew i wanted to take some time to answer this properly and i had to wait until now ;;;;;;;;;;

i hope you’re still around to read it ;;;;;

i’m gonna put this under a read more because i ended up rambling and wrote an entire essay (and it’s probably way too honest but that’s the only way i know how to talk to people and maybe someone can get something out of this lolol)

1. HOW THE HECK DID I GET HERE

i used to be stuck in a job a couple of years ago that not only bored the hell out of me but also gave me nightmares for the longest time for various reasons and it ended up draining all of my energy and for a while i wasn’t able to enjoy what i love most, which is, of course, drawing. i’m not good at leaving thoughts and worries regarding work at my workplace, i’m the type to take it all home with me and it made me become apathetic and unable to get excited over anything and i could practically feel my motivation to create anything leave me.

at that time i started noticing that my audience had grown quite a bit over the years and i was already doing a few commissions here and there and i had sold a couple of fanbooks, and those were things i really loved doing, but, as mentioned above, at that time i didn’t really have the energy to focus on that because i was still wasting most of my day with that unsatisfying job.

thanks to my partner, who kept kicking my ass for a while, i ended up looking for a new job, found a shop that was looking for someone to hire part-time, i applied, got it and quit my old job the next day.

part-time seemed great, because it meant i’d have double the time to work on art and commissions and also i was probably going to be able to sleep well again because i didn’t have to worry about what was going on at my old workplace anymore, right?

…. wrong.

while i really liked working at that shop, it took up a lot of time too in the end, due to extra-time, extra (non-paid) responsibilities and interpersonal problems. also i suck at saying no to people, so bye-bye time for art and welcome back nightmares.

while working there, more and more commissions started coming in, my audience kept growing slowly but steadily, people were actually interested in comics and products i made ?? and i didn’t make a lot of money back then by a long stretch but it was just. so. fulfilling. i love doing commissions, i love drawing stories and sharing them, and there’s no better feeling than making a thing yourself and ending up with the finished product in your own hands, and my wish to freelance more came from these experiences.

meanwhile the situation at work started pissing me off more and more and i was close to saying fuck it and quitting so so often and, well, last year i finally did (again thanks to my partner for listening to my rants and also kicking my butt to get the hell out of there LOL)

i was considering looking for yet another job but tbh after all these years i’m tired of having to deal with authority figures that pay you jackshit for your work but try to push you around 24/7 and bend you to their will because they don’t give a fuck about their employees and only care about $$$ (or maybe i’m just too stubborn and can’t deal with people who try to tell me what to do [i’m pretty sure that’s the main issue tbh lolol])

so i decided to try and become an independent artist full-time. which is still risky but

a) if i don’t try it, i’ll regret it for the rest of my life

b) i have no one i have to support financially except for myself, so in case i fail the only person who’ll get in trouble is me, which is very convenient ??

for various reasons i had no choice but to jump right into this without feeling prepared enough at all BUT i still think it’s gonna work out somehow. i’ve learned a lot these last couple of weeks/months and i’m positive that it’s going to be Just Fine.

2.) WHAT THE HECK AM I ACtuALLY DOING

i do still feel like i have no idea what i’m doing most of the time, so take everything below with a bit of skepticism but i think i’ve been doing some things right without even realising it.

like, even though quitting my job and deciding to work as an artist was a very impulsive decision, i think i fulfill the necessary requirements for it to work out:

i had some money saved up that could help me survive for a few months if i ended up not being able to make any money for a while

i already had freelance jobs lined up and projects i was working on that would provide me with some sort of income

and it’s been working out so far ??? (let’s talk again in a few months when i realise all the things i’ve forgotten or fucked up)

things i noticed during that time, that i need to fix/work on/learn:

i need to raise my prices again or come up with a better system like ?? patreon at some point in the future maybe (because at this rate i have to draw at least 20 commissions each month JUST to make enough money to pay rent and insurance, and while jobs are coming in, which is great, i’m going to kill myself sooner rather than later with this workload)

i need to figure out a way to reduce the time i spend each day with just answering emails/messages/asks/mentions because it takes away a lot of time that i should spend drawing and while i really want to reply to everyone who takes the time to write me, i just can’t do it anymore without losing too much time orz so i’m trying to think of a solution, like a ?? monthly post in which i just reply to questions i’ve gotten a lot or something IDK

taxes wtf

as much as i love doing commissions, i do need to find a way to be able to work just as much on personal projects, because in the end that’s what i really want to do and what gives me the needed motivation to wake up in the morning and continue to work hard on myself and my skills

speaking of mornings, i need to find a daily routine again, my hours are all over the place, which i had decided i would allow myself for some months but it’s time i made a proper schedule that i can stick to

anyway, my current income consists of commissions, leftover comic sales and nice people who send me donations through ko-fi ; ;

at the end of the month i have not actually made any money though, usually i have a bit of a loss but that’s fine since i’m just starting out and you can never expect to make profit immediately when you start a business. i’m still figuring things out and will hopefully manage to actually make enough money to live off soon lol;;;;;;;;;;

i hope this ?? answers your questions?? if there’s anything else you wanna know, feel free to ask &i’ll try to not take 3 months to reply LOL

i’m more than willing to share whatever little experience and knowledge i can offer, i don’t believe in keeping things to yourself just so that nobody else can benefit from them, i think it’s much better to share information and help each other out if possible ;;;;

also i’m sorry if this is too much information that nobody asked for, i have never learned how to get to the point quickly OTL

#Anonymous #answered #hits posts before i change my mind aaaaaaa

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renaroo · 7 years

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Rena Rambles

It’s that time of the week again, and we have four comics to go over! Which is a manageable amount compared to last week, to say the least lol But seriously, there are some super fun titles in this lot and I’m excited to get into them!

DC’s Batman Beyond, DC’s Detective Comics, IDW’s Transformers: Lost Light, DC’s Wonder Woman

DC’s Batman Beyond (2016- ) #5 Dan Jurgens, Bernard Chang

So we’ve reached the finale of Beyond’s fist storyline!!! And honestly, now that I have the full story, I really do appreciate it. I’m still going to be miffed for a long time that Mary is dead, but bringing Bruce back completely brings me back to the feelings that addicted me to Batman Beyond as a kid -- the banter between Bruce and Terry is just right, I love how involved Max and Matt are, and the twists and turns were actually surprising.

And... not going to lie, right before the reveal of the Joker I was like.. kinda wondering if they were going to make it Jason Todd instead? And I’m still wondering if that would have been a worse or better reveal. I MEAN WHY NOT.

It is surprising that Dana just... dropped off the face of the earth for this entire issue after she’s been built up so much throughout the previous four issues plus the Rebirth issue. I’m not really a fan of how that played out, especially since she is literally dangling over the cover. What sense does that make?

Make no mistake, as enthralled as I am, as much as I still love Batman Beyond with all my heart, this first storyline is carrying continuity baggage and does not feel the need to explain itself to new fans. This is not a newbie friendly start to the title and I can’t help but wonder if the series is going to suffer as a result. I like to think there are way more Batman Beyond fans out there with me who will be on for the ride without having the basics explained in the first story of a new series but... I just don’t know how true that is.

I suppose we’ll find out!

DC’s Detective Comics (2016- ) #951 James Tynion IV, Christian Duce, Alex Sinclair

If I could just take those panels of Bruce and Kate basically fighting over who’s going to take Cass out to have fun and support her to make sure she’s having a normal life outside of being a vigilante and, like, could hang them over my bed at night, I bet you my insomnia would go away.

This issue was refreshing, both because a lot of the characterization quirks I’ve had with Tynion in previous storylines seemed to resolve -- all the way to Kate and Jacob’s relationship having nuance in it again -- as well as seeing more concern for Cass’ emotional and mental wellbeing from the adults in her life are addressed here in this issue while at the same time providing a lot of setup for our League of Shadows to finally make its move.

The fast pace of development for this series seems to have finally plateued and I would say the last two issues have maintained the balance between characterization and plot progression I’ve gotten onto Tynion for not quite nailing in the past before.

These are good things, but being not the first issue of the storyline but still at the beginning there’s not a whole lot for me to add here. I thought the art was good, the dialogue satisfying. We’ll see where we go from here!

IDW’s Transformers: Lost Light (2016- ) #3 James Roberts, Jack Lawrence, Joana Lafuente

Okay, I need nothing more in life than a comic I can rely on right now in this day and age that tells me the story of how robots punch fascists in the face. And Roberts delivers on this need in my heart as always with emotional turmoil, hilarity, action, and mystery enveloped at every point.

There are few books that can make me “ew” and “awe” then laugh and cry in the span of a few pages without completely jarring me and taking me out of the situation.

For me and my interests and what I’m currently needing in entertainment, Lost Light manages to deliver on everything. Swerve an Whirl are a team up I never realized I needed. Everyone taking mood suppressors to ignore coping with the loss of Skids while Nautica refusing out of the belief that Skids deserves to be mourned appropriately. Rodimus and the gang, as always, managing to get involved in things WAY TOO BIG to fix, and Rung’s altmode making NO DAMN SENSE I CALL IT NOW IT IS A LIE.

This book is wild, it’s great, and I am so glad to have it on a monthly basis again. Bless.

DC’s Wonder Woman (2016- ) #17 Greg Rucka, Liam Sharp, Laura Martin

The B-story in Wonder Woman is always just... something else, I suppose is the nicest way to put it. And that’s okay, to have ups and downs in a storylines, but it can honestly be very distracting at the end of the day to have half a story you REALLY love month after month and then half a story that sorta gives you an eek factor once a month, but it’s the same book.

The mental ward stuff is finally over though and I don’t have to question its use anymore so at least there’s that. And it’s beyond fantastic to have Ferdinand back in the supporting cast as well as seeing the struggles that Barbara is willing to make for her friends. And that cover was a great homage to An American Werewolf in London, very fitting.

The art’s good. I’m just glad to be moving along finally. Which feels like a shame to say, but oh well.

Good to solid comics out this week, absolutely, but ultimately my prize of the week has to go to Transformers: Lost Light. Once again, it’s a situation where if you’re not picking up these comics, there’s not really a way to explain how consistently good they are at making you love gay robots in space fighting fascism one alternate universe at a time.

But that’s just my perspective! What’s your guys’ week like in comics? Agree or disagree with me? Have any books you think I should pick up? Let me know!

Until then, I’ll see y’all next week <3

#Rena Roundups #Wednesday Spoilers #SPOILERS #Batman Beyond (2016 )#Detective Comics (2016 )#Transformers: Lost Light #Wonder Woman (2016 )

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voxplusherizes · 7 years

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April Ramble: Eye Troubles, Hair Uncertainties, and Doll Instanity

I’m gonna try to do a monthly update about stuff from now on.

So, Lots of stuff has happened. and at the same time lots of stuff ...hasn’t...happened.

Eyes:

I’ve finished Erasii’s mouth and right eye. However, my confidence with dealing with resin came back to bite me in the ass. Severl years ago, i tried to start a project where i would make large plushes (like Erasii’s size with a wildly different pattern) or all the remnants and i started with Azur. I didn’t get past sewing the arms and legs, and thats because i started on the eyes right away. I used the exact same methode as this time: sculpt an eye from polymer clay, make a mold, cast the eye dome, attach a photo of the eye behind it. Simple. easy. Lmao. Nope. I recall casting three eyes and every one of the had bubbles. every one of them was cloudy. one was very sticky. I gave up back then, and the project was since abandoned.

Until two weeks ago, where I thought i’d done enough research to know how to do it right. Except i forgot that resin has a fuckin vendetta against me i swear to god.

The first eye attempt developed holes at the dome, aka: the front of the eye. This irritated me because when i poured the resin, it was super clear for two hours before i checked it and suddenly: a fuckton of bubbles. I havn’t no idea where they came from. So i tried again (also tried to cover the first attempt in more resin after pokeing holes to the bubbles, which.....ended poorly.) and poured another cast. i watched this version religiously, and it was amazeingly clear! I thought it went perfect.....until i went to check if i could remove it after four days of letting it cure and it was still completely liquid. two extra days did nothing. Evidently, I did not stir it properly enough (i call bullshit, i stirred for three minutes. i timed it.) and i had to scoop the resin into the trash and clean the mold. by far the most agaonizeing part of this one was that it was still completely bubbleless like w h y must u hurt me.

By this point, I’m incredibly irritated. Whenever I get the measureing and stirring correct, my cast developes bubbles for no damn reason. whenever my cast doesn’t develope bubbles, it doesn’t cure. I have browsed forum after forum, video after video, did every trick i could find, fallowed the instructions to the T. and still, my resin has failed to turn out.

I am torn, honestly. I am so pissed at my inability to cast resin properly that i’m determined to keep trying to get it right. but at the same time, i’m wasteing resin and not making any imporvments. on the other side, My mom has a coworker who owns a jewlery buiseness with her husband and most of their peices use a really nice clear casting material. I’m wondering if I could ask them if they’d be willing to make me a complete eye as a commission. I havn’t any idea how they make their casts, however (i assume molds, but not sure) so i’m not sure. i’m also unsure if their casting material is a type of glass. I’ll ask about the durability of the material, and keep it as an option if everything else fails.

I currently have a third eye in the mold. i havn’t checked it since i poured it. i’m scared to, thb. i don’t want to be dissapointed.

Dragon:

On a more lighthearted note, If yall rememeber my dragon pattern from a while ago, i started on that plush. Originally i was just going to work on it until i got the rest of the stuff to finish erasii, but since his eye is taking forever and i havn’t been able to get the yarn to the correct length for his hair, i’ve gotten a lot of it done. the wings and batting inside are completely done (witht he exception of turning and sewing the finger details+stuffing) which was the largest part of the project. I started working ont he gold tail decor but i need to pull out an entire side since the peice didn’t match up properly. i was going to leave it, but i dont want her to look ugly int he end so about two hours of sewing earlier are down the drain Lol.

Hair:

Returning to Erasii, for more bad news, I’ve decided I can’t use yarn for his hair. i can’t get it long enough. I also can’t make a wig for him like i wanted to try, because i forgot his horns existed. Instead, i’ve decided to order saran hair. This....doesn’t sit well with me. I was going to try wefts this time, but i dont feel comfortable attching them dirrectly to his head. but i havn’t any idea how else to attach them either. i was thinking maybe glueing? or somehow sewing the hair directly into the head? the bangs and sides are the main ones i want to look nice since the back of erasii’s head is litterally just A Mess of short hair. I dunno. i’m ordering a crapton of hair, so we’ll see what i can do when i have it in my hands.

Dolls:

I’ve made the mistake of watching doll customizations. and i wanted to do one. except i couldnt make up my mind, and now i have three planned whoOPS

The first one is Pumpkin Pie, a pumpkin themed girl I want to make arund halloween. I have an orange body thats faceless and lacking hair bc it was from a create your own monster kit. she’s the perfect starter.

The second one was the original one i wanted to make, Nyoul. My little girly boy with a taste for cupcakes and human flesh. He was the reason i first went through the way-too-big box of dolls my mom and i bought years ago (over 500 dollars worth like srsly.) to find a duplicate to tear apart. but surpriseingly, we didn’t have any duplicates. We have three frankies, yeah, but they were all different versions, so i didn’t feel comfortable tearing any of them apart. Most unfortunately, this conundrum gave me time to lament, during which time i keep peeking at my Gooliope. She’s 17 inchs high, and i loved that size. I didn’t dare ruin her (she’s by far my favorite) so i kept an eye out for other 17 inchers. And as luck would have it, while stopping by toys r’ us the other day, I noticed one in the clearence bin. orignally 30bucks, dropped down to 15. not bad. the reason for this was because the doll (a clawdeen) was a little bit damaged. both her ears have broken bits and theres a lots of weird plastic at the seems. not so good for a child, a miracle gift from the doll gods for me. i expected to feel a little guilty buying a doll away from a potential kid, but because this one is damaged, i don’t. parents would have told a little girl to put this one back and grab another one anyway, so no harm in giving this little misfit a home x3

There are some....drawbacks, however.

Nyoul already requided heavy modification (ie: tiddy-be-gone) and now he needs even more. I was originally aiming for a frankie, since she has a lighter skin tone and no ears, since my concept for Nyoul has him as very pale. this is because his outfit will have a lot of color and having his skin be near-white would allow them to pop like on a canvase. he’s also aupposed to look like a doll, but also sickly. Cute, but not quite right. I’m going to have to cut off the ears (and boobs), and then repaint the entire body. I do feel.....gross, about doing that. it feels insulting and wrong. But if i’m going to put all this effort into makeing him, why shouldn’t i make him completely what I want?

on the upside of workin on him, I get to make a prop eventually! I love doing that! he carries a big-ass axe and long scissors.

Nyoul’s going to be a very long project. This is why I want to finish both Erasii AND the dragon before i even start him. So Clawdeen’s just chilling with her deformities for a couple of weeks Lol.

And lastly.....my ball joint doll.

Years ago, i purched a ball joint doll from someone used. I’ve always loved ball joints, but they were all too expensive. I was so excited to have a BJD at last, i developed an entire design for her that sadly failed to come to be. I had a lot of trouble as a newbie seamstress back then that i eventually gave up, and tossed her into my closet for a few....years.

and then i took her out of the closet and put her in the attic for several more years. I rescued her afew days ago, and i feel super guilty. I never even put her pants or shirt back on!

I dislike the original design i had for her, so i’ve been trying to think of what to transform her into. I was thinking about a demon popstar, so i could make horns and wings and a tail, but....her face doesn’t fit. she has a very serene sad face, lidded eyes. I’m not sure if i could paint her face to make her look more evil or mischevious or a diva. I really want to try tho. I might have to save it for another 17 incher monster high tho. i keep seeing the popstar design with highheels and my BJD has flat feet. and I can’t order new ones because they’re expensive and also i have no idea what modle doll i even have so whoops.

if i do move ahead with that idea tho, i’ve taken inspiration from Sia and Lady Gaga (and Billy Joe Cobra if i’m being embarisingly honest) especially witht he hair idea. a boxy neck length thats pure white on top, but each later under is a different color of the rainbow with some rainbow bangs. She’d also have sunglasses, piercings, tattoos, long fake nails....just so much stuff.

But its a long way before i’m confident to even try to work on her. just holding her makes me scared i’m gonna break her. (even tho i kinda already did, accidentally had to restring her legs bc i dropped a string trying to take her head off.)

Her time in the closet and attic seem to have done something to her faceup. I’ve been struggleing for the past three days to remove it (bc i want to repaint her and also the colors were ugly and she has a stupid little tear on her cheek) useing everything i could. I tried acetone first (i did a test ont he inside of the headcap to see if it’d hurt the resin) and it did absolutely nothing. so then i tried rubbing alcohol, and again nothing. i tried a magic eeraser which finally worked, but not well. i don’t want to try to buy anything else, so i’ve been dealing witht he magic eraser. i’ve nearly removed everything besides the lips, and i honestly don’t think i’m gonna be getting that lip color out of there. I’ve tried to shove some eraser into there and scrub with a toothpick and it did not do anything. I was planning on coloring her lips a dark color anyway, so meh. bonus shadeing.

#VoxRambles #Text #not spellchecked #longpost

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