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oneshots-heaven · 1 year

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“Sleeping Mates" — Timothée Chalamet

What are you supposed to do when your best friend answers to your ’Can't sleep' text with a cheeky ’Come sleep with me' but you refuse due to your feelings for him?

WARNING True heartfelt fluff with some spice and angst Timothée Chalamet x Reader

You were tossing and turning in your bed, the sheets already stripped down to your hips as the city lights flooded your room. Your body felt on fire, and while your limbs felt tired and begged your mind to find some rest, it didn’t. You were wide awake, grasping your pillowcase, quietly groaning into it.

It had been the third night this week you struggled to fall asleep, and by now you knew you couldn’t blame it on the weather, neither on the city lights. It had thundered on the first night you couldn’t sleep and spent the entire next day blaming it on the weather. The second night, it had been chilly and rained all day, perfect temperature to have a good sleep, but instead you had stayed up almost the entire night.

You knew it must be another reason for you to be so restless lately, but you couldn’t explain to yourself what it was. There was nothing wrong in your life right now, literally not a single thing you had to worry about. While of course, there were the usual ups and downs life had to offer, you were doing good.

Turning back onto your back, you sighed as your hands searched for your phone, laying somewhere close by in your bed. Blinking against the bright screen, you checked the time.

2:38 AM.

Your tired arms gave in, laying the phone back down as you stared at the ceiling. The street lights brought the tiniest bit of light into the darkness of your room. There was only that, darkness filled with tiredness and admittedly, a bit of loneliness, as you felt like the only person awake around your block.

Grabbing your phone again, you checked the time once again. Not even a minute had passed, and it would only become more painful if you kept staring at it. Your finger hovered over the touchscreen, having no clue what to do. No solution came to your mind, everything only seemed to make it worse.

Unconsciously, you opened the messages, seeing the last chat with your best friend. You had sent him a video of his sister and you mocking his last fit, to which he had answered with some angry emojis. It still made you smile as you knew how eager he had become with his fashion looks, he liked making a statement and trying new things.

You stared at the chat, swiping upwards, reading some of your older texts. Timothée and you had been best friends for years now after having met more or less by pure coincidence. It was the easiest friendship you’ve ever had in your entire life, and somehow neither of you had ever questioned it, what you truly were, what you were supposed to be. It was just easy, he could focus on his movie career and you on your degree. Sometimes you didn’t hear from each other for weeks or even months, and yet you still always knew you had a friend for life. It felt like a lifeline.

One that you felt the need for now.

To: Timothée

Can’t sleep

This was stupid, he probably wouldn’t answer anyway. Knowing him, he was knocked out since 11 PM, peacefully sleeping in his bed two streets down the block.

Just as you wanted to put your phone away again, it buzzed in your hand. You blinked in surprise, yet frowned as you checked it.

From: Timothée

come sleep with me

You slightly sat up in bed, your eyes still fixed on his response, your hand clutched hard around your phone, as if you could lose it any second. Your chest suddenly felt like a panicked void, completely caught off-guard. You blinked and read the text again. For a second you weren’t sure if this wasn’t just a fever dream, however it was very much real, it was right there.

And yet it still felt surreal, although there was no reason to be surprised like that. Timothée and you were as close as the text hinted, saying stuff like that wasn’t a rarity. From the day you’d met, there had been this unspoken closeness between you two, a space where you could be whatever you wanted to be. It felt so natural that you had never questioned it, not until now. While you had had sleepovers at each other’s places and shared hotel rooms multiple times in the past, it just never was as intimate as inviting someone to purposely sleep besides you.

This had to be a joke.

All of the sudden, after whatever much time had passed, your phone buzzed again.

From: Timothée

are you there or asleep already?

You pressed your lips together, your fingers itching to type an answer.

To: Timothée

No, I’m here. Still can’t fall asleep.

Seconds later, your phone buzzed once more.

From: Timothée

open your door then

Disbelief kept you right where you were, hesitating. He wasn’t at your door, that was ridiculous. Why would he come over in the middle of the night? You tried to fight it, but the what if in your head was much louder. You let go of your phone, pushing the blanket aside before you stumbled through the dark hallways of your apartment. You must look like an absolute mess, but with the force you unlocked your door and pulled it open, it was clear you didn’t care at all. All your heart desired was to see if he was actually there.

Clothed in a hoodie despite the nightly freezing temperatures outside, Timothée stood in front of your apartment door, his eyes flying up to meet yours. His face softened as he caught sight of you. “Hey,“ he mumbled, still sounding groggy from his previous sleep.

Overwhelmed by the fact that he was actually here, you glanced at him wordlessly for a brief moment, before replying a soft ’Hey’.

“Can I come in?“

You nodded, unable to form any words with your numbed tongue. It felt like your brain had stopped working, a complete malfunction of basic behavior. You remained standing in the doorway before ever so slowly stepping aside for Timothée to step in. You hadn’t expected this, you hadn’t expected to see him at this hour.

Timothée walked further in your apartment as you closed the door behind him, starring at his back, right until he turned back around to you. “You okay?“ he questioned, making you feel caught.

“Yes,“ you breathed.

Pushing his hands in the pockets of his loose fitted sweatpants, he said, “Just can’t sleep, hm?“

Pressing your lips together, you leaned against the kitchen counter, nodding. You felt so out of place. What was this? Why did this feel not like usual, not like any other situation in your friendship and instead so different?

“Have had trouble sleeping for some days now. I don’t know why, I just can’t seem to find any rest.“

“Want me to make some tea? Talk you tired?“ he offered. “No offense, but you do look pretty exhausted.“

You chuckled quietly. “Well, I am pretty exhausted. But you don’t have to do all that. I just need to finally fall asleep.“

“Let’s go to bed, then.“

There were a million questions in your head, putting in question all sort of things. Go to bed, together? What will happen then? Will you sleep next to me? But first and foremost, why are you here now? While all of this was highly confusing to you, you didn’t stop yourself from following him to your bedroom. Your bed was the proof of your restless nights. The covers laid crumbled aside, pillows were laying everywhere, but were they fit right. Nothing about your bed looked comfy right now, but rather like a chaotic, stressful mess.

Timothée, without another word, made the space his own, grabbing one of the bigger pillows and fluffed it out before doing the same to the other. Stripping his sweater and throwing it on the ground, he stood on the other side of the bed, looking at you. He was still clothed in his low hanging sweatpants and a t-shirt, yet your cheeks flushed at the sight of him.

It was the ease with how he did things. Without hesitation, without fear, because that was what your friendship had always been about—safety without any doubt. His smile offered the same comfort that you’d always known, and although the confusion didn’t leave you, you felt a little more relaxed to get into bed, just as he did too.

This was just like any other sleepover, this didn’t mean anything more than any other time before, or at least that was what you told yourself. Timothée laid next to you, hauling under the same blanket as you, feeling so close yet far away in your queen sized bed.

The city lights brought enough light into your bedroom to see the contours of his face as you took a glimpse at him. Your fingertips tickled in desperate desire to touch his face, to draw your finger along his strong jaw over to his soft lips, but you denied yourself to give into that desire. Your hands stayed where they should be, laying to close to your body on either side. You laid in your own bed like a corpse, paralyzed to move or make yourself more comfortable, because you felt so fearful to get too close to him, and he seemed to notice.

“Relax,“ he whispered into the dark.

“I am relaxed,“ you assured him, lying through your gritted teeth.

He snorted quietly, suddenly you felt his hand shaking your shoulder lightly. “No, don’t lie,“ he said, his voice sounding like a true beg. “You’re tensed as hell, no wonder why you can’t sleep like that. You need to let your body loose, like you’re sleeping in a hammock.“

“In a hammock, you say?“ you laughed. “I don’t think—“

“Yes, don’t think. Don’t overthink anything right now, that’s too much brain activity.“

At this point, you felt like he was mumbling bullshit, you could hear it in his voice. Before you texted him, he must’ve been asleep or close to sleeping already, he sounded groggy, yet ever so concentrated on making you feel just as sleepy.

“I cannot not think. That feels impossible.“ you argued, which was the truth, especially now with him next to you in bed at this late hour. It was in the middle of the night, he should’ve been fast asleep and instead he had been suddenly standing in front of your door. You couldn’t concentrate on sleeping when your body was so hyperaware of his.

“Why?“

The worst possible question because you had no answer to that, or rather you feared the answer to that.

“I don’t know, I just can’t.“

His fingers brushed back and forth over your arm, creasing it, as he said, “Everything’s ok, Y/N. You’re fine, you can rest.“

You gulped, tensing more up if that was even possible. Why would he say such thing? Your mind spun around, and by now you were sure that you were losing yourself in absently overthinking about the meaning of your friendship. Timothée was the greatest friend you’d ever had, there was no argument in that, and you would do anything for this boy, and still you wondered.

He pushed himself up on his elbows as he noticed how you still couldn’t relax and rather laid rigged up beside him. “Come here,“ he said, ever so quietly, as he opened up his arms for you to move closer.

For a brief moment, you simply starred at him and the small space between the two of you. In the briefness of it all, Timothée looked like he may regretted his words, yet held his arms wide open. The confusion yelled loudly in your head, trying to draw further attention to itself but you had ignored it, already having pushed yourself over the mattress into his welcoming arms. They came around you, holding you against him.

His fingers continued to brush over your shoulder down your arm as you snuggled deeper into his arms, face on his chest, and closed your eyes. This felt like peace, and that was all you had longed for in a very, very long time. Yet the question didn’t leave your mind, perhaps bothering you until you would free it from your soul.

“Why did you come here, Timmy?“

The movement of his fingers stopped abruptly, his breathing becoming rigged, as you had definitely caught him slightly off-guard with that question. His chest moved up as he breathed in deeply, your head moving with it. What a dangerous, little question.

“You texted me in the middle of the night, and I just—“ he mumbled, you could feel his lips brushing your head that was laying in the crook of his shoulder. You hung on every word he said, desperately waiting for him to finish his sentence and as he did, you swore you felt like you’d just died. “I just thought you needed me.“

You breathed out, feeling his hand brushing gently over your head. The darkness was your savior, it did not let Timothée read your thoughts out loud as they were written all over it. As confusing as this was, it warmed your heart that he had made his way blocks over in the middle of the night, just because he thought you needed him.

And you did.

All you were lacking for the past few nights was the sense of comfort that perhaps only he could bring back with ease. A gesture like this, God knows a smile from him even, was enough to give you peace, and that realization was scary. When did you put all your source of true comfort into one person? Especially one that was so close, yet never yours? Why did you do that?

“I did,“ you whispered. “I had hoped you’d answer.“

His arms around your body tightened, pulling you even closer to him, if that was even possible. “I’m glad you texted me.“

“Why?“

You felt his head falling back deeper into the pillow he was laying on. “I was glad to be or even feel like the person you’d call in the middle of the night when you can’t sleep.“

Take your entire hand and crush my heart in it, it’s yours, that is all it ever was.

Your thoughts spun with every continuing breath as the airy silence crawled over you two, and in that moment, everything halted in time, or at least that was how it felt like to you. A painfully long moment filled with even more questions, more confusion and longing. For days, your body had craved to finally find some rest and just as you possibly could get it, you wanted to do anything but to fall asleep. Although this may didn’t mean as much as your heart interpreted in his words, you wanted this to last forever.

“Timmy?“

He hummed in response, his fingertips running gently up your back, caressing it until you leaned onto your elbow to properly look at him. He loosened his embrace around you, yet refused to fully let you go. His gaze went up, meeting yours, you could barely make it out in the almost pitch-black darkness.

“I wouldn’t want anyone else to be that person but you.“

“Really?“

Disbelief resounded in his voice. What a fool he was for not believing you. If he only knew what he did to you—for years. How much you cared, how much you wanted him to care. How much you needed this, and how much you wanted him to need you as well. It tore you apart that he couldn’t see that, and it felt like torture even thinking further about this. Why hadn’t you never act on this? Why had you always denied yourself the truth, especially when it was right in front of your eyes?

Why even, why still?

Timothée’s hand rushed forward, catching the strand of hair that was about to fall into your face, slowly brushing it behind your ear as you went against all fears and doubts and leaned forward, connecting your lips together without further hesitation. You felt his body stiffen, his mouth not moving a bit, not even responding. Just as reality came crushing down onto you and you hasted to move away from him, his hand pulled your face closer again as his lips crushed harder onto yours. You gasped into the kiss by the sudden surprise, leaning more on him.

Blood rushed in your head, making you feel dizzy in his embrace. Your heart stumbled over its own beat as he pulled you even closer, those soft lips brushed over your bottom lip, luring a moan out of your mouth as his tongue slipped in, brushing against yours.

Was this even real?

His hands traveled carefully, almost a bit fearful down your waist to your hips while you melted into his touch, longing for it even more now than ever before. You’d always been close, but not once had you crossed this line, it always had felt taboo. You had believed Timothée could never like you in this way, more than just a friend, but the way how he moaned into your mouth as you gently bit his bottom lip proved you otherwise. He may desired you, too, at least a bit.

Your hands found the collar of his shirt that you grabbed and pulled him on top of you, desperate to feel his weight on you. He chuckled against your mouth, “Stop it, I’m going to crush you.“

“Don’t be silly, Tim,“ you breathed, before he placed one hand on each side of your head and leaned down to kiss you once more.

“I really don’t wanna crush you,“ he whispered in-between each kiss he planted on your lips, “because that would be a terrible way of ever losing you.“

Suddenly, the lightness got a little swept away by the serious undertone of his voice. Had he ever feared to lose you?

“You’ll never lose me if you only keep kissing me like that.“

His mouth twitched to a smile that made him look so gentle and wholesome, yet his dark eyes told a different story. They had changed into a deeper hue, longing gazing, eyeing every inch of you in the dark night. Leaning down on his elbow, he used his other hand to brush with his finger along the lines of your jaw, his gaze following the movement, until he reached your lips. As he brushed over your lips, you opened your mouth, letting it dip in, and wrapped your lips around it to suck it.

His breath hitched in the very moment of it, as he let out an airy laugh. “Don’t do that,“

You frowned, insecurity overwhelming you within seconds. “Why not? Sorry—you didn’t like that, did you?“

“No,“ he said, “I wanted for you to finally sleep, but if you keep doing stuff like that, I will most definitely try to keep you from sleeping.“

Shivers crept up on you, tingling all over your body, as your brain immediately shifted to imagine the reality of his words, and all you were left with was the desperate need to make it happen. Suddenly, every part of your body uncovered its aching for closeness that you had denied yourselves for too long. All those forbidden glances at each other, all those feelings that you couldn’t ignore, all the built up through the years of friendship finally found its purpose, and you would be damned if you let that chance slip.

Your hand carefully reached forward, brushing aside the brown curls that fell into his face, caressing his cheek, “For once, I don’t wanna sleep.“

“Good,“ he breathed, and your lips met in the perfect middle of it all. Your hands grabbed after his face, pulling him closer down to you—him still on his elbows in his ridiculous fear to crush you, as he seemingly forgot that he was rather a lightweight, but you adored his wariness. He’s always been like that, taking care of you, looking out for you, wherever you went. Your mind had been attracted to him, before your body did.

His lips began to wander to your cheek slowly down your neck, which you recked unconsciously to offer him even more space, marking every inch with a kiss. Just as your hands wandered, too, trailering down his sides to the hem of his shirt. You’d seen him shirtless before, many times, this, however, would be different. You’d pull off his shirt with intention, and he let you. Breaking away from your neck, leaving you whimper for a second, he kneeled in-between your spread legs. You followed his suit, hands still on the hem of his shirt, as he held up his arms, letting you pull it off in one swift movement. Your chest tightened at the sight of him shirtless. There was something that kick off serotonin in your head as soon as you saw him like this.

“Don’t look at me like that.“

You met his eyes. “Like what?“

“As if I’ve got anything good to offer you. I don’t—I’m not—“

Your shoulders sunk in, face softening. “I like you just the way you are, Timmy.“

Chest heaving, his gaze also softened at your words. His hands found your face again, as he whispered against your lips, “God, you’re too good to be true.“

You melted in that kiss, as you never felt closer to him than in this random night that you wished would last forever. Morning shouldn’t come too soon, who knew how long this would actually last, but until then you would believe his words as the truth.

“Can I take your shirt off, too?“

You nodded, wildly, offering him your arms in the air as he did the same to you, undressing you. You hadn’t worn a bra or anything underneath your oversized shirt, so you were instantly exposed to him, much to his surprise. His adam’s apple hitched visibly, as he took in the sight of you for a moment. “You’re so beautiful,“ he hushed, crushing his lips back onto yours, bringing you down on the bed again. “So damn beautiful.“

And he proved his words. You felt him all over your body, appreciating it with his mouth and his hands, showered you in kisses and intense waves of shivers. He sucked on the softest parts of your breasts as he lightly flicked the nipple of the other, sending your brain into another dimension. Who would’ve ever thought of this happening?

As his head hovered over the lower part of your body, hands on your sweatpants, he glanced up, meeting your eyes. “Is this real?“ you questioned.

Timothée came back up to you. “Yes,“ he replied. “It’s always been real.“

Please do not come at me for not writing smut in this. I wanted to keep it wholesome. 😭

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leopardom · 28 days

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✨ sappy post incoming ✨

(and a little trigger warrning for the vague mention of suicide)

i’m not gonna do any gig reports for now because last week still feels like a fever dream and i can’t really put my thoughts in an order that makes sense. but i just wanted to stop by to say how much i love the vibes and creativity of this fandom and how happy everyone was when it came to meeting and trading/giving out their creations while queueing for the gigs or even when they were over

in Munich, Milan and Padova i got to meet so many people from here. with some of them i chatted more and with some others less. but in any case it absolutely warmed my heart to finally see all those people i see on tumblr but like, in real life! i got to trade my stickers for bracelets/stickers/art/fan stuff, got to see everyone have a good laugh because of my stuff and also got to complement people for their crafts. and i'm telling you i really meant every single word because as i already mentioned, i love the creativity of this fandom 💕

last weekend i began my trip with pretty much nothing on me and now i'm back home with a bag full of bracelets, a folder full of art and a heart so full i wanna cry. i mean look at that:

1) idek where to begin with the tags of the artists, i’m still confusion but i’ll try to come back to this post again later with a clearer mind

2) “big juicy” bracelet you will always be famous @greensolsikke <3

this last week was a tiring experience with many ups and downs but at the same time it was probably the best week of my life so far

i'm getting especially emotional about it all because this whole frenzy concided with my birthday (on the 29th of March). this may sound cringe or what, but on the actual day of my birthday and when everything was over, i was sitting alone on my hotel bed in Milan and was thinking how this last year of my life started in the worst way possible and how it was only escallating towards the worst every single day. during my 26 i reached a new level of low, a bottom lower than the one i had reached when i was 20-21 (and that was a bad bad time). and yes, there were a few times when i was close to ending it all because it was too much. my 26 was pretty much like hell

but now i'm glad i didn't give up and pushed through all the struggles. because if i hadn't, i wouldn't be able to experience last week. i wouldn't be able to see some of my dearest friends again, to meet all the amazing people from here and from twitter, to see one of my favourite bands perform for three nights in-a-row and to listen to all my fave songs of theirs live and even cry my eyes out to some of them (Barve Oceana in Munich, Padam in Milan and Metulji in Padova really were an Experience). can safely say that my 26 ended with a bang and it was a very good one 😌

i'm feeling sad that this is over but at the same time i'm so warm inside and so happy that it happened. and i would do it all over again, especially if it meant meeting you all again or meeting even more of you from in here. i have never felt so welcome by people who technically only knew me as a tumblr user and i never thought this would happen, considering how awkward i am when it comes to interacting with people online and in real life

anyway i think i've talked too much and i'm slowly loosing my train of thought because the thoughts and emotions are so many right now. i just wanna thank each and every single one of you for making the past week so special and one of the best weeks of my life. i'm beyond gratefull 💖

sincerely, the curly head with the meme stickers 🫶

#okay this is long but i had to do it #i needed to do it #i miss last week so much already :(#this is emma speaking #joker out

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tellthemeerkatsitsfine · 2 months

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All right, I did a post yesterday about the Cowgate incident of 2003, which started because I read the disappointing news that the site of the incident will be closed to the public when I'm in Edinburgh this summer, and I literally read it during a brief period of being awake in the middle of a fever dream. And then of course I made a post about it, because if you wake up in the middle of a fever dream, you always have to post about the real-life incident that most resembles the content of an actual fever dream.

This made me realize it's been a little while since I've actually watched that video, I went through a year or so of re-watching it at least once a week (mainly because it became a go-to re-watch when drunk, particularly near the end of the night when I no longer wanted to focus on anything coherent or longer than a few minutes, personally I'd never want to be at a comedy show while drunk but I do see why they'd do this for a drunk crowd, it appeals to that side of the brain), but I hadn't seen it in six months or so. I thought, I've probably been building this up in my head a bit in the six months of not actually watching it. The idea of Cowgate as a weird drunken fever dream (though one enjoyable thing about it is that besides Adam Hills and the entire audience I'm pretty sure the people involved were sober, as that was sort of the Chocolate Milk Gang's thing, getting their name specifically because they were the only people who didn't get drunk at late-night Edinburgh shows, instead they went for milkshakes across the road) had become a running joke in my mind and sometimes my Tumblr references, but at this point it's more of a symbol than anything else. After writing that post that ran with the joke of it being an iconic violent ritual, I thought it would be fun to spend some of my sick day at home re-watching the actual video, expecting to find that it just looks like relatively expected raucous comedy show shenanigans, not quite as mind-breakingly weird as I remember.

...Guys, it's exactly as I remembered. It's so weird. I've made multiple deep dive Cowgate posts before, but not for at least six months (I think the last time I did it one was for the 20th anniversary, August 26 last year, so almost exactly six months, actually), and I think six months should be long enough to make me allowed to repeat myself on the subject. Because there's almost nothing I haven't said before, but watching it again made me want to say it all again. And I do mean almost - I think I did discover one new detail while watching it between fever dreams yesterday. It's pretty good.

Okay, first of all, here's the video in all its glory:

youtube

I cannot emphasize enough how much the first time I came across this it was 2 AM and I had no context for understanding where they were or what was going on. Since then, I have figured out: it's a show called Late 'n' Live. It takes place on many nights throughout the Edinburgh Festival, at a venue called the Gilded Balloon. The Gilded Balloon is owned by Karen Koren. It burned down in 2002 and was rebuilt nearby, this video is from 2003, in the rebuilt venue on Teviot Place. The Late 'n' Live event runs from around 11:30 PM to around 3:30 AM and consists of a bunch of comedians who come on, sometimes to do their own sets and sometimes to do shit like this, managed by a compere, and after that they bring out a band and it turns into a dance floor. At this time, it was known for being a bearpit with a drunk and rough crowd that sometimes got violent. For several years in the late '90s and early '00s, it was famous compered by Johnny Vegas. It was then compered, throughout the early- and mid-00s, by Daniel Kitson. I mean I think there was some crossover, obviously they didn't just have one compere for an entire month and people besides those two guys did it too, some people had to get some sleep at some point. Anyway, these are all things that I know as a direct result of the rabbit hole I went down after finding this video and needing to understand what the ever loving fuck was going on in it. I actually know a lot more than that about Late 'n' Live, but there isn't time for it all right now. I've watched a four-part BBC Scotland documentary series about the history of Late 'n' Live. I watched a Tim Minchin documentary mainly because I like Tim Minchin but a little bit because it had a lot of the Gilded Balloon in it and that was relevant to my Late 'n' Live research. I have an entire folder on my hard drive called Late 'n' Live and it has too many files in it.

One of them's a gif of David O'Doherty throwing his entire body with abandon onto different things at Late 'n' Live in different years: onto Jason Byrne in 2003, onto the floor in 2005, and onto Daniel Kitson in 2007. All clips I found in entirely different sources and decided they needed to be together.

Anyway. I'm getting off topic. Already. Cowgate. The point is Cowgate. I named the incident Cowgate because that's the name of the neighbourhood where the original Gilded Balloon was, and, you know, it was a cow. A cow and what looked like it had to be some sort of scandal. I think it's very clever.

So here's the thing. After I first found that video, which seemed like a tiny relic of one of many moments of one of many nights on one of many years that this stuff went on, and I set about obsessively looking things up for weeks to try to figure out what they were doing, in the process I came across a second video that also happened to capture the same moment. Amazing stuff.

youtube

The former video was on the Gilded Balloon's YouTube channel, and seemed to have been filmed officially by the venue staff. This latter one was a montage of videos taken throughout the night by an audience member who apparently had whatever people used to film things at gigs in 2003. Wouldn't have been a camera phone back then.

This video shed a bit of light on some of the essential mysteries of Cowgate, but didn't actually answer many, and to be honest it asked more questions than it answered. Obviously, one of the main questions I had about Cowgate was "Where did the cow come from?" I'd wondered whether the Chocolate Milk Gang had somehow procured it, or whether they took something that was already there. Both options would open up a lot more questions, such as where did they get it, and if it wasn't there because they specifically put it there for the purposes of taking it apart, how did they get permission to take it apart?

The longer video suggests that it's the latter. It shows Daniel Kitson earlier in the night, messing around with the cow the way he might if its presence on stage were a surprise to him as well as to the audience.

The other essential question is "Why did they attack it?", and this earlier scene may suggest a possible reason. From the dialogue, it seems that Kitson jumped on top of it because the crowd told him to, and then the crowd keeps shouting other cow-based challenges at him, and he makes fun of them for suggesting challenges that are too easy (jump off it, touch it, etc.). The video then cuts, but it is possible that he challenged the crowd to ask him to do something difficult with it, and they said to tear it apart, and then it escalated. That scene seems to be from the beginning of the night, and we know the actual Cowgate ritual was the last thing that happened in the night, because right after they finish Kitson brings the band out and that occurs after the comedy ends. So it's possible that they could have come up with the challenge at the beginning, spent a few hours sourcing various weapons, and then done this at the end.

That theory of course brings up other questions, like how they decided on the weaponry. And, again, why they were allowed to do that. The answer to that question depends on where the cow came from, which I still don't know. I once spent a week looking up the International Cow Parade because I thought maybe it was part of that, but I don't think so anymore. It has the word Metro on the side of it, and someone in the YouTube comments called it the Metro cow. So it was probably an advertisement, not an art piece. But I wouldn't have thought your allowed to take apart a company's advertising installation. Maybe it was going to be destroyed after the festival anyway? Also, why was there a cow-based Metro advertisement on the floor at a comedy gig anyway?

I'd like to go through the video in further detail, as I've done many times before, but not for six months so I think I'm allowed a new one, and also I've come up with one (1) new fact (theory) so that's worth doing the whole thing again. I've just spent two days sick in bed, please allow me to indulge in this.

- Right at the beginning, the "three chances" thing still confuses me. That line really suggests that this is a challenge, not just a weird stunt, that they are being tested to see if they can do it. Possibly tested by an audience that was told to come up with a more difficult idea for something the comedians could try with a cow.

But what are the paramatres of the challenge? To take the cow apart, sure, but the "three chances" line implies more specific restrictions. Did they try this two other times earlier in the night and weren't able to do it? Perhaps tried it earlier with fewer weapons? Or did "three chances" mean three people are allowed to work on it? Doesn't seem likely, as Kitson jumped in fairly quickly and made it four.

- Adam Hills sounds like he's referencing something with "literally bottle it". I know "bottle it" is a expression that means "fuck it up", but I don't see how that's literal in this case. Was there a bottle involved? What would bottling it mean in this instance? Failing the audience's challenge? I don't even know for sure that it was an audience challenge, that's just a guess based on the beginning. It could be something else entirely.

- The part where John Oliver, Demetri Martin, and David O'Doherty scurry across the stage like squirrels makes me laugh every time. Why are they all bent over? What are they hiding from?

- David O'Doherty appears to be the only person who came out carrying a weapon. In the first shot of the guys attacking the cow, DO'D is hitting it with a hammer that he presumably brought from backstage. The other two are pulling on it with their bare hands. Then, in a detail I find hilarious, Demetri Marin reaches behind him and grabs what appears to be a chisel off the floor. I guess what probably happened is he did bring that with him from backstage, then put it down, and we just see him pick it back up. But the editing makes it look like he's tried pulling the horns, it didn't work, so he turned around and grabbed the nearest tool, like a character in a video game that just finds useful weapons lying around.

- It also makes me laugh that Adam Hills used his rap-based narration to make sexual jokes about the cow, while Kitson puts his hand over his mouth/in the air like a rapper, to show he's totally on board with this gangsta rap thing, but also, they have shit to and it's (presumably) nearly 4 AM, so the actual content of his lyrics is going to be to give useful practical advice on how to get this job done. Because they're not combining the tools, and you really need to use the chisel and hammer together or it'll never work.

I enjoy the way at this point, John Oliver takes just the briefest break from attacking a facsimile cow with his bare hands to look up Kitson, looking quite impressed with his approach to the situation. "Yes, thank you Daniel, finally some helpful ideas instead of just cowfucking jokes, now let's get that chisel over here."

- It can be hard to see in the darkness, but this whole thing is basically a Kitson and Oliver-oriented plan. Kitson shouts at DO'D to "combine the chisel and the hammer". John Oliver then points like he's directing a play, getting DO'D to bring his hammer to the other side.

DO'D does this, but puts the hammer down on the ground over there, instead of combining it with anything. That's when Kitson taps DO'D on the back like a pretend wrestler tagging in, possibly deciding that if he stays on the sidelines rapping all night, they'll never get this done and be allowed to leave. So he pushes DO'D out of the way, and takes his spot next to John Oliver. Then he reaches down and grabs a random chisel off the ground, again like a video game character. Then he reaches over the cow and picks up the hammer that DO'D has discarded (like a video game character), so he is now combining the chisel and the hammer. At the same time, John Oliver has physically taken the first chisel out of Demitri Martin's hand, and starts working on the same end as Kitson. Now they're getting somewhere.

- This is one of those videos that's funny every time if you keep running it back to watch the same eight seconds over but this time focus on a different person. DO'D tries to get in after Kitson straight-up stole his spot, leans in but can't find an opening, gives up and walks all the way around them both to try the other end of the cow because clearly the Kitson and Oliver dream team have this end sewn up.

- Then, there's a curveball: someone with the word CREW on the back of their shirt comes out of absolutely nowhere, and hands John Oliver a lead pipe, like a character fucking Clue(do, depending where you live). Where did this come from? Do most stages have large bits of piping lying around backstage? Was John Oliver supposed to bring it on stage with him but forgot it so they had to run it out to him? Or did those crew people decide that they're not making enough progress, someone had better find a large pipe and bring it on stage and hand it to John Oliver so we can all go home.

I've been writing this post so far while watching the official video - the one off the Gilded Balloon YouTube channel - but I think you get a much better view of this specific part from the way it was captured in the montage by an audience member. It's another part that I find incredibly funny. John Oliver is methodically working away with Demitri Martin's chisel and his own hands. Then someone hands him a large weapon, and he immediately raises it above his head like a sword and starts whacking the thing full tilt. Scares the shit out of Kitson on one side of him and DO'D on the other. They both jump, Demitri Martin just cautiously circles away.

In the words of a John Oliver bit that is long outdated but lives on in our hearts and my DVD collection... whaky stick. Whacky stick!!!

Kitson, after initially jumping, responds by choosing to imitate John's style, and starts raising the hammer over his own head to attack it with full force in the same way. While DO'D literally cowers in the corner:

And Demitri Martin continues to do what he's been doing since John took his tool away, which is to run his hands over the body of a cow like a mechanic sizing up a car. He has contributed almost nothing to this operation. I don't even think Demetri Martin knows how to take cows apart. Too busy turning letters into numbers and stuff.

- After getting over the initial excitement of waving a pipe around wildly, John Oliver employs the more thought-out strategy of using it like a lever, trying to prise it open at the seam. Kitson gets in beside him and starts attacking this same seam, striking the weak spot repeatedly with the hammer. In the background, DO'D and Demetri Martin appear to try jumping on the thing.

This is the strategy they're still employing the moment the cow finally comes apart:

I've observed this from multiple angles, and at first I thought Kitson deserved the most credit for breaking it, but now I think it was mainly John Oliver's work. Definitely a team effort though (or at least a dual effort, not sure how much the other two helped, though to be fair the bigger boys took their tools away). It comes apart at the exact spot where Kitson was hitting it with the hammer, you can see Kitson give it a hard kick, then one more strike, then put his arms up in celebration as this strike breaks it in half. But I'm pretty sure it was John's leverage from behind him that allowed him to split the thing.

- At this point they all contribute to pulling it the rest of the way apart; Kitson and Martin hold the top half while Oliver and DO'D take out the bottom. This is another part I find very funny - the way they're so matter-of-fact about handing it out to the audience. Look at John Oliver and David O'Doherty marching this across the stage like they're workers delivering a coach or something:

- Then the camera shows the cow being crowd surfed. The YouTube comments say: "The Metro cow got smashed in two and crowd surfed over everyone out the back door". In his lyrics, Adam Hills talks about taking it up the Royal Mile. The Royal Mile is the street outside, so all this suggests that they continued to take the cow outside and down the street. Was that part of the challenge? Was the initial plan to take the thing apart and then have it carried through the streets of Edinburgh? How far did this cow go?

- I have so far compared them to video game characters, board game characters, tag-team pretend wrestlers, a mechanic, and delivery workers. But my favourite thing to compare them to is probably at the end, when they celebrate like football players who've just won a big match.

"Great work everyone, good hustle out there, really pulled together as a team. Okay, now hit the showers. I want to see you all dressed and ready for milkshakes in ten minutes flat."

- There is so much going on in this video that I find it easier to not try to focus on it all at once, I have to do one thing and then backtrack. So now that I've gone through the whole video while looking at what the rest of them were doing, I need to backtrack and go over the lyrics to Adam Hills' song.

Question: Did Adam Hills think he was going to have to do this alone, or was he supposed to have Kitson co-MC-ing, but then Kitson jumped in partway through? Because I think the latter may have happened. Kitson was the compere for the whole night, as we see in the montage video.

Adam Hills If you had three chances Would you take them? Or would you quite literally bottle it?

As I said before: don't know what he's talking about there. What got literally bottled? Why three chances?

His palms are sweaty, his hair is sweaty He's ready to shoot spaghetti He's got a cow on stage It's got red horns, it's all the rage

This is veering wildly off topic, but I just want to mention that that Adam Hills got his off the cuff "stage/all the rage" rhyme because he'd heard DO'D use it in a freestyle rap battle with Daniel Kitson, that we know from the montage took place earlier than night (another one of my favourite videos, but we don't have time to go into this one right now):

youtube

It's cow tipping, it's not quite shitty Get that cow down in this city Take it up the Royal Mile, attack it with a hammer Kitson's on the stage, he's [?] with a hammer

Again, how far did the cow go? They had clearly planned from the beginning (of this song, at least) to have it out on the Royal Mile. YouTube comments confirm it left the building.

David O'Doherty's going up the ass It's time to fuck this motherfucking class Fuck the udder (x4) Let's get this udder fucking cow out of here

After all the times I've watched this video, this is the first time I've noticed that Adam Hills tried a pun on "mother fucking" there. Glad he's having a good time.

Daniel Kitson Davey, Davey, what you need to do Is combine the chisel and the hammer

Finally, some useful fucking advice.

Adam Hills There's Martin, Demitri Martin The Perrier win has left me smartin'

This was August 26, Hills' song mentions later that it's the last night of Late 'n' Live for that year, so the Perrier Awards had just been given out. In 2003, Demetri Martin won the main award over other nominees: Reginald D. Hunter, Flight of the Conchords, Howard Read and Little Howard, and Adam Hills. Adam Hills, who had also been nominated the previous year, when he lost to Daniel Kitson, and the year before that, when he lost to Garth Marenghi. So he is actually being, as a YouTube comment said, a pretty good sport to jump in and have fun about it. If I were him I'd probably resent losing out an award again and then not even getting to smash shit up.

John Oliver, he's the man If that pipe won't do it, nothing can David O'Doherty, he comes from Ireland, the land of the green Daniel Kitson, he's got a hammer He's also got one motherfucking stammer

I quite enjoy the way no one responds to any of this. Adam Hills starts calling them out by name, including bringing up Kitson's stutter and DO'D nationality and his awards rivalry with Demetri Martin, and none of them even briefly looks at him. They are all very busy and focused on the important task of destroying a cow.

It's time to break this cow down It's time to break this cow down It's not time to chow down It's time to break this cow down

I want this verse embroidered on a throw pillow. Actually, I think I want these entire lyrics printed out and framed on my wall.

Late 'n' Live, Late 'n' Live, it's the very last night It's time to wrap this show up tight Send it out the front, send it out the... [cow breaks apart] Break the cow, break it in half Lead it out the front to the path

Once again, talk of parading this thing around outside the venue. Where were they taking it?

Karen Koren, she's outside She's got petrol dripping down her eyes There was a fire at the Gilded Balloon The police found no one else was to blame If this season doesn't go well This fucking venue's going up in flames

That, of course, is a reference to the Gilded Balloon's history. It burned down in a fire in December 2002. It's now August 2003, and they're in a new venue that was rebuilt nearby. Karen Koren is the venue's owner. I'm pretty sure Adam Hills is implying that she's going to burn down the new venue if the performers don't do well enough. Actually, he's not implying that, he's outright stating it. What he's implying is that she burned down the first venue, presumably for the insurance money, and she is currently outside ready to burn this one down too, if they perform badly enough to make the insurance money worth more than the shows bring in.

The cow's in half, the cow's in half Let's hear it for the cow in half!

This is like that famous poem that was allegedly written by a child about a tiger breaking out of its cage. Sheer poetry.

Tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why I Got out of bed at all The morning sun goes up my window And I can't see at all And even if I could, it'd all be grey But your picture on my wall It reminds me that it's not so bad, it's not so bad

What's interesting about this is that these are the lyrics to Stan, which is a different Eminem song from the one he was (sort of) singing at the beginning, which was lose yourself. This may or may not be related to the fact that Adam Hills is the only person in this performance who was not a member of the Chocolate Milk Gang, which was a group of comedians known for not getting drunk during or after late-night Edinburgh shows.

It may also be related to the fact that this is a clip of the Edinburgh show that Adam Hills had just spent a month performing:

So he had Stan in his head all month anyway, he was on stage and remembered he was supposed to be singing an Eminem song, his brain told him that the Eminem song he sings on stage is Stan. Fair enough.

Though it's worth noting that those aren't the correct lyrics to Stan either. The Eninem song says the clouds come up the window, not the sun. Why would it be all grey and hard to see if the sun came up the window?

Crowd surf the cow, people.

I want all those lyrics printed out in fancy calligraphy font. And ornately framed. And on my wall.

So that's Cowgate, in case anyone wants to know. But this is just stuff I've said before. I said I had a new detail, didn't I? Well here it is:

Who is that man, sat unobtrusively in the background, playing the percussion set? Of course we have no way of knowing, in such low quality video without any clear shots of his face. Or do we? Because here is a screenshot of Flight of the Conchords, sitting on that very cow, earlier in the same night! (We know it was the same night because it was taken from the montage of the whole night, which ended with a second angle on Cowgate.)

Am I wrong? I might be wrong, tell me if you think I'm wrong. But I think that's Jermaine Clement playing percussion back there. Based on the evidence that: He was there that night. He does play the drums. He's a bona fide member of the Chocolate Milk Gang. And he has the same vague outline and shirt colour as the guy in those screenshots. And he was in the background of the Kitson/DO'D battle rap video, playing guitar, so he does sometime play music to accompany other comedians doing weird shit at Late 'n' Live. My new detail is I think Jermaine Clement was on the stage during Cowgate.

It is cool, really. I mean, I'm obviously being vaguely ironic by treating this late-night comedy show stunt as a vitally important mysterious ritual. But I genuinely think that what happened there is fucking cool, if you look at all those people being on one stage doing something so stupid together, and then consider where they all went after that.

And if Jermaine Clement was there, that just adds to it. The variety and international breadth of all the different comedy careers all in one place just as they were on the cusp of taking off. I mean, by plenty of definitions some had taken off already, but they have all taken off significantly more since then. Almost as though on one night in 2003, they all sacrificed a cow to the gods of success and it worked. Of the main five people involved in the sacrifice rituals, there are three Perrier Awards (Kitson, DO'D, Demetri Martin - though to be fair two of those were won before Cowgate happened so I guess we can't attribute it to the sacrifice), an MBE (Hills), and a shitload of Emmys (Oliver). Which I think they should all bring in for the prize task of the Taskmaster episode that I imagine with those five as the contestants (it's okay, I think this is worth setting racial and gender representation on panel shows back by 20 years), the studio task is to take a cow apart, the winner gets all the trophies.

That's a lot of countries. The Australian Adam Hills, the British Daniel Kitson, the American Demetri Martin, the Irish David O'Doherty, the Kiwi Jermaine Clement, and the now-British/American John Oliver. All with wildly different types of careers. All, for different reasons, among my favourite comedians. I have seen or heard all of the official video or audio stand-up releases by all six of those people (and possibly 1 or 2 or several hundred or so unofficial ones as well). And not because of this video or anything, I sought them out because those are among my favourites and then they were all on stage doing this unhinged thing together.

It's the great mystery of my lifetime, I still want to know where the fuck they got that cow. And I'm genuinely annoyed that I won't be able to see the stage where it happened when I go to Edinburgh this year, but it's all right, I'll look at the outside.

If I ever get to meet any of these people, this is the first question I'm asking. No I don't need to know anything else about your career, just please tell me, what the fuck was going on with that fucking cow in 2003?

#Youtube

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topsyturvy-turtely · 1 year

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OTP challenge - day 15

here it is! part 2/2! (because i simply suck at keeping myself short) -> link to part 1

[link to day 14]

TW: detailed description of needles and stitches. knife wound.

15: teaching each other how to do something

(pt. 2/2)

[Last sentence from part 1: But soon this something, that danced in the room to the tone they had played together, was interrupted by the thunder of upstairs-running kid's feet.]

***

That was last week. Tonight John had invited Sherlock over for dinner with him. Rosie had a movies night with her aunt Harry. (John seriously wasn't sure who whorshipped whom more. These two were soulmates, no joking.)

The doctor was determined to make Sherlock a nice proper meal. He didn't cook often, but he ought to get better at it, he can't keep ordering takeout with a kid at home. What if Rosie will never eat anything homemade?! That could end up into an embarrassing situation at a friend's house...

Lost in his thoughts he prepared his 'easy but fancy meal' (no, he hasn't googled this). He had ended up with Lasagna. The bechamél sauce was the difficult part about it, but he was confident it would work out. He heard the bell ring and - wiping his hands on the ridiculous apron Harry got him (it says 'BAMF' in pink, purple and blue colors on it. According to her that means 'bad ass motherfucker', which he thought was absurd, but, well, he didn't wanna get his shirt dirty) - he went to open the door for a very early Sherlock. Who has apparently just been in a massive fight.

"Bloody hell, Sherlock! What happened to you?"

"Idiot brought a knife to a gun fight. Still managed to cut me however, that imbecile."

"They cut you? How deep? Where? Let me see.", John Watson was in immediate doctor mode.

"Not that deep.", Sherlock said waving his hnd dismissively.

"Oh no! We are not doing this! Go sit down somewhere, I'll get my doctor's kit.", John commanded and went into the bathroom to wash his hands and get the kit.

When he came back, Sherlock was sitting on the couch, no coat and jacket on, limps spread out around him, right hand to his side, the blood running through his fingers.

"Jesus. Sherlock.", John was frozen for a second, anxiously staring at his friend, regretting he couldn't protect him anymore whenever he decided to run after a serial killer.

Then the feeling faded and with his usual professional tone he told Sherlock to take his shirt off. The great idiot detective sighed but obeyed. Meanwhile John put on surgical gloves and poured disinfectant onto a cotton ball. When he looked up and stared at his friend's freed stomach he gulped. Not because he hasn't seen worse, but because it was Sherlock who was the injured. What if he wouldn't get away so easily next time? John wasn't sure how he would take another one of Sherlock's funerals. A real one this time. Internally John shook himself and focused on his task.

"I'm gonna clean the wound and see if it needs stitches now.", John told his patient. When he started disinfecting, he heard Sherlock take in a sharp breath. That, and a few seconds of cleaning, made him realize, "Sorry, mate, but the wound is deep enough for sutures. I'm gonna call an amb-"

"No!", Sherlock immediately protested and his face was a mask of pain. "It's you or nothing at all."

John stared at him, he had done that often before, back in the days, but how could Sherlock still insist on John stitching him up? With a resigned sigh, because he knew there was no reason in arguing, he took off his gloves. "Alright, I'll get you some ice. It will help with the pain and the swelling."

When he came back, he sat back down and put on a fresh pair of gloves. "Listen. I hate you getting injured, and I am honored you let me have you stitch up but you will have to learn to do this yourself. I am not available 24/7 and I can't risk you passing out while having a fever dream from the blood loss, simply because you refuse to seek medical attention like a child. So you gonna watch, listen, hell- observe while I am doing this. You got me?"

Sherlock had a neutral facial expression, but stared deep into John's eyes. "Yes, sir."

"You already know who is in charge here, that's a good start.", John smirked. Then their eyes met and just how it always has been, there was a connection between the two men which took actual willpower to break. When they did, John started explaining, "Step one: sanitize and examine the wound. Deeper than half an inch? Sutures are needed.

"Step two: if the wound is swollen, ice it.", John nodded at the ice on Sherlock's stomach, while he disinfected the needle and thread.

"This will provide a numbness as well. Helpful, when there's no local anasthetics available."

"Step three, actually- step zero: wash hands, and wear gloves to prevent infection. Always wash your hands and wear gloves, hear me?", John fixed his gaze on Sherlock. The detective was determined to show no pain but he couldn't fool John. A simple nod satisfied John.

"Good. Step three: Disinfect needle and thread and the rest of the equipment. I use a needle holder, to ensure no infections will occur. Holding it with your hand may easily cause them." John was glad Sherlock had his voice to focus on. That he had given that genius brain something to fixate on, to save into a room or a file or whatever in his mind palace with every little detail. Because the stitches - even with the ice - are gonna add another pain level.

"Step four: with your forceps" - John grabbed them - "check the skin and determine what needs to be done.", John did as he was explaining, wishing he had a mask to further protect Sherlock from a possible infection.

"Step five: punctuate the skin and make sure the needle penetrates the skin up to 0.5cm, exit on the other side of the wound. The needle needs to be held perpendicular to the skin and you rotate your hands clockwise.", when the needle sank into Sherlock's skin, his patient groaned in pain. "For this you'll need to release the needle holder by pulling it right with your ring finger-", John did as he was explainig. "-and pushing it left with your thumb.

"Step six: hold the needle holder and pull the thread. Leave 3-5cm on the side of the wound. Step seven: hold the thread with your right - in your case left - hand and wrap it around the tip of the needle holder. Catch hold of the thread on the left of the wound using the needle holder. Make the wrapped thread pass out of the needle holder and tie it around the loose thread and then cut the excess thread.", John was glad Sherlock was a genius because when he had first learned this, he still had had a million questions.

Satisfied John looked at his work. "This was it - you had made a secure knot. Now, step eight: repeat this process by moving up the wound about 0.6cm to perform the next suture."

Sherlock was making pained noises while John performed step eight. "Do you think you can focus on my hands and describe what I am doing? Might be a good distraction.", the doctor suggested.

Sherlock gritted his teeth, nodded and did as he was told. Indeed, his pained sounds decreased and his observation-mode was turned on.

After a while John said, "There. Sutures are done. Now the final step is putting a sterilized pad and bandage on. Here, sit up."

Sherlock did and John wrapped the bandage around Sherlocks rib cage; tight but not too tight. His breath gave Sherlock's skin, that had broken out into a sweat during the suturing process, goosebumps. John followed them up... over side, arm, chest, nipple. John licked his lips. Then he cleared his throat and stood up. "I'll look for a shirt that will fit you. You hardly can wear that one over there." John pointed at the ripped and blood covered dressing shirt on the ground.

"Your clothing choice is a rather interesting one, too.", Sherlock countered, a hint of a raised eyebrow visible on his carefully controlled face.

For a second John was confused, but when he looked down at himself he remembered his 'BAMF' apron... John's eyes widened.

"Fucking hell!", he swore. John ran into a kitchen and already saw smoke coming through the oven. "THE LASAGNA!"

A bunch of further curses escaped John's mouth while he took the burnt piece of pasta out. Sherlock followed him into the kitchen. He leaned on the door frame crossing his arms over his bare chest. "Apparently bisexual Badass Motherfuckers can't cook.", he stated.

Waving around with a kitchen towel and opening a window to get rid of the smoke, John was busy with other things. But when Sherlock's words sank in he slowly turned around. "I'm sorry- what?", he asked incredulously.

Sherlock nodded at John's garment. "Your apron. It's in the bisexual pride colors."

With oven mittens on, palms up, John stared down at his apron. "Oh. Oh, Harry that absolute-"

"-genius lesbian with her evidently accurate observations regarding sexuality?", Sherlock finished, pushing himself off the wall. He slowly walked over to John.

"Hold on one second! How many times did i say I am not-"

"-Gay? No, but bisexual you are, my dear Watson.", with that Shelock stood in front of him, his upper body only wearing a bandage John had put on him only a moment ago.

The blogger shook his hands in denial. "I- I am not..."

But he didn't get further because Sherlock pressed his lips against his and John forgot what he wanted to say. Soft, cupid bowed lips, rested against chapped, thin lips. Until John pulled back and stared at a rather precarious Sherlock. And without another thought he ripped his oven mittens off and clasped his hands around this face, this familiar beautiful face and kissed Sherlock again. He was moving on pure instinct, none of this was his brain's doing, it was all his body's. It knew what it had wanted for years and now wouldn't let the opportunity slip. They kissed and gasped and pulled and moaned. Until Sherlock hissed in pain, because John had eagerly pulled him close and it hurt his freshly sutured wound.

John loosened his grip and they let air drift between their bodies again. "I- you-", John tried.

"Harry and I might have a point?", Sherlock said with cocky grin.

John sighed, laughed, and let his forehead drop into his hand. "Yeah. I suppose you might."

They caught their eyes and then started giggling, like they did after their first case.

Sherlock's gaze fell on the burnt lasagna behind John. "Takeout?"

"Starving", John replied with a soft but genuine smile on his face.

---

this time i have to thank my lovely friend (lol are we even friends?!) @safedistancefrombeingsmart for 1. telling me that John can't cook and should teach Sherlock how to make proper stitches instead. And 2. for her genius photoshopoed bi-colored BAMF sweatshirt. This oneshot would have been a lot less fun without you. Thank you, smartin'! ;)

this part required a lot of research (as i am an absolute no-hoper at anything medical). i must admit i partly directly quoted from the site. check it out if you're interested!

tag list! (tell me if you wanna be added or removed 💚) @catlock-holmes @justanobsessedpan @helloliriels @boredsushi @fluffbyday-smutbynight @inevitably-johnlocked @hisfavouritejumper @rhasima @forfucksakejohn @ohlooktheresabee @turbulenttrouble @7arantellgrrl @ssmeowl123 @so-youre-unattached-like-me @totallysilvergirl @peanitbear @train-mossman @loki-lock @smulderscobie @timberva @grace-in-the-wilderness @chinike @pansherlock @the-smol-bean-libby-blog @jawnn-watson @whatnext2020 @escapingthereality @missdeliadili @kettykika78 @musingsofmyown @7-percent @speedymoviesbyscience @astudyin221b @francj15 @almosttinycowboy @ladylindaaa @we-r-loonies @mxster-jocale @sherlockcorner @noahspector @our-stars-graveside @jobooksncoffee

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rockingtheorange · 3 months

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Get to know me!

Last song: Enemigos - Sebastian Llosa 🎶

Last film: Ron's gone wrong🤖😆

Currently reading: Wolfs-kinder by Vera Buck (a Christmas present)

Currently watching: Last Twilight (GMMTV series) / Percy Jackson (Disney series)

Currently consuming: pasta :)

Currently craving: corn cocktails I had in Mexico😣

Were you named after anyone?

As far as I know no, in Italian my name means happiness/joy. But the name I chose for myself is named after the ocean ☺ (Talay means ocean/sea in Thai)

When was the last time you cried?

I've been crying at night, before sleeping. I spent a month with my girlfriend and going back to long distance on the other side of the planet hit me harder than a truck🧸

Do you have kids?

Nope, and I don't plan on having them. I'm already struggling managing myself lol

What sports do you play/have you played?

Many when I was little: swimming, tennis, basketball... my parents wanted their children to try many things but I've always been artisty and I stuck to ballet for 5 years, then paused it for a few and came back for another 2/3 years. Then I went for theater ☺🤸

Do you use sarcasm?

Me? No. I don't use sarcasm, I AM sarcasm. But depends on the language I'm speaking honestly (different language - different personality is a real thing lol)

What's the first thing people notice about you?

I've absolutely no idea, but for some reason they always get my vibe wrong. People think I'm cold and quiet but if they earn my trust, I'm very warm and love physical touch

What's your eye color?

Brownish? Idk people have told me they look orange at times (???) or green under direct sunlight 😃 Let's say a light brown? copper maybe???🤭

Scary movies or happy endings?

I like both. Depends on my mood. (One of my fav series is scary with sad ending and all my fav movies are happy endings)

Any talents?

Some would say many, others would say none. I'd say I try my best in everything I do and talent is often a misused concept that only appreciates something you were born with instead of what you've worked hard on (even worse if people call talent the skill you've spend time and tears on)

Where were you born?

Milan 🙂 (fun fact I was kinda ☠ing and doctors had to remove my right kidney cause I had a tumor. All fine ever since tho☺👍)

What are your hobbies?

Many, I mostly make my hobbies collide with my growth in knowledge and working opportunities. Everything from writing, watching videos, playing videogames, listening to music, spending time in nature...

Do you have any pets?

2 meows 🐱🐱

How tall are you?

Shmall! I'm always the smallest one🥲 1,60 m 🤏

Favorite subject in school?

Def art class when I was little, then maybe math cause it has always been very easy for me. (But I used to love a subject depending on the topic and my own willingness to study it lol)

Dream job?

I'm trying to get a job as a 3D animator but it's hard. I just want to work in the cinema industry honestly 🥺 maybe travel from time to time...

A bit late but thank you @meraki-yao for the tag, you're always lovely ☺❤

Tagging someone that I hope hasn't done it yet: @manic-pixie-fever-dream @mylucayathoughts @couldvebeenus @onpurposeilovehimonpurpose

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winderlylandchime · 4 months

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Hello and happy new year, i hope you’re doing good and that you had a good NYE.

Here are just some highlights from what you’ve missed in the latest episodes of ‘My brother is an idiot’.

In case you wondered how we spent NYE, let me tell you that originally we were gonna go to a bar with our neighbor and socialize but she got sick, so my brother changed plans and made her watch 3x08. That’s right, he calculated when to watch the episode so that Britin reunion happened exactly at midnight. We entered 2024 with Lover’s spit, ngl it was both amazing and impressive. And the clock went midnight right as the song started/their iconic reunion happened and we all yelled ‘AYYYEEEE HAPPY NEW YEAAAAR’ He also showed her 3x14 and not to anyone’s surprise, the ending still makes him cry.

Also a very important update: THE CAST IS OFF!! He walked out of the office and literally put a fist into the air like a dumbass and then looked at THE ENTIRE WAITING ROOM, pointed to his fist and went ‘I’m back, baby!!’ And then to me ‘I almost put that Proud song on to play it so I could walk out all dramatic and put my fist in the air like in that movie.. But I’m too fucking traumatized by that song cause of the finale so just imagine it for the experience okay?’

Btw our dad is coming in on Wednesday so that he can spend some time with us and then go home with my brother. So naturally my brother has spent the last day and a half going through episodes to decide which ones to show him. I fear my dad might strangle him when he realizes he’s being tricked into watching qaf. But i am curious what his reaction is going to be and which episodes he picks.

And the most important thing that I actually thought will be avoided: about 2 days ago, I left him at 10.30 pm to go to sleep. He was reading fan fiction and at the same time watching fan videos of Gale and Randy which…okay, go off. Please try and guess what the fuck happened next because i can guarantee you, you’re gonna be wrong.

He came into my room and woke me up out of nowhere and i asked what’s up, thinking it’s some emergency. And i can see on my clock that it’s like 4.45 am and he’s crouching next to me, holding the laptop, turns it towards me to show me some random site while almost blinding me and then whisper yells at me ‘this Hal dude is or was a fucking prick! What the fuck did Gale and Randy ever do to him? And why the fuck did those two old dudes hate Randy?!’ And then he just got up and walked out (leaving the door open because of course) and just says to himself or me ‘they did nothing and he’s acting shadier than a fucking palm tree!’ I woke up the next day, genuinely sure that I dreamt that and I come to the living room and he’s in the same position as I left him in and he goes ‘oh this dude is lowkey annoying, i just read this post from a convention and he doesn’t know how to let other people talk, why did he answer a question about gays and his gay friends when Randy was asked as a gay man? And I didnt know those writers sucked so much, they looked like they got along at that gay panel but apparently they hated each other? By the way do they still do these conventions?’ All this was said to me in one long ass breath, right as i woke up. Felt like a fever dream ngl. He was practically bouncing off the walls because of how much coffee he drank because he stayed up all night reading up on Gale and Randy and anything qaf related he found. He even found old Gale interviews from The Advocate and later found out Gale was also in a motorcycle crash and he texted that to our mom saying that clearly that means they’re soulmates of some kind and she just replied ‘or that you’re both stupid <3’

He said that after he finished his fics, he started watching videos and then he went to check bts videos and interviews and he looked all that up and got war flashbacks because they just asked whatever they wanted in the old 00’s tabloid era. And that somehow lead to him finding a link to a fan forum or something and then he just spiraled. He said that when he saw Hal being shady, it was either wake me up and tell me OR wake up our parents..

oh and during this all nighter he also put together a playlist that he named ‘Bri Bri in a nut (ha) shell’ and it’s songs from the show that he thinks fit Brian best. So now he goes back and forth between the playlists depending on his mood and how much he misses Brian. I created a monster and you all helped me. Thank you very much

Dear sweet anon!

I am so sorry for the delay in responding. I haven't been on tumblr because the new stuff at my job is cutting into ALL MY PRECIOUS SCROLLING TIME.

(And fic writing, so sorry everyone!)

NGL I am high key impressed that he figured out how to time the episode so that Lover's Spit was playing when the clock struck midnight. That is some dedication. What time does one need to start the episode for that to happen?

Congratulation to your brother on getting the cast off! I'm so glad he can return to making the ally fist.

But oh nooooo, he has fallen down the rabbit hole of the bts and what has been shared and pieced together and what can be observed. But couldn't he have sent you a voice memo rather than waking you up?

I'm curious if he has any fic recommendations for the fandom? And, also, what is in his Bri Bri playlist?

I like your mom's response to your brother's belief that both him and Gale being in motorcycle accidents makes them soulmates. Maybe they could be soulmates for another reason. Your brother could kiss Randy, for instance.

I hope your 2024 is lovely so far! I can't wait to hear your dad's reaction to being ambushed with QAF.

#ask winderlylandchime #dear sweet anon #queer as folk #a straight man watches qaf in the year of our lord 2023 #now 2024 edition

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fuck-off-im-ace · 1 year

Text

Alright that’s it, got tired of people bitching about Lilith. So, lets get into the deep dive, shall we?

It is well known (in the WN fandom, at least) that Lilith is the first wife of Adam, expulsed from Eden after she refused to submit to him. She then partnered up with the Archangel Samael, head of the Satans, which is probably the Adriel equivalent of the Bible.

(Yes, we could have guessed that they would fuck. It was literally written for thousands of years.)

There are many versions of Lilith, of course, as with everything, but she is very often referred to as a demon of the night, often very hot, with long hair and wings (no I am not making this up).

I think the scene where she goes to see her family is very important. You don’t give your character a butterfly shirt if some shit is not about to happen. I think it’s also well thought, because this puts her even more as the opposite of Ava. Something got shoved into her (the halo vs tarask claw), she came back to life, now she has powers that she didn’t ask for and don’t know how to control, or just generally why. Why her. Both went to Jillian for answers but couldn’t be helped. Both went back to where it all started, Lilith’s family and Ava’s orphanage. I didn’t really go well for either of them. After wandering for a bit, Ava went back to the OCS, even after what Superion and Lilith did to her. She found someone there who believed in her and supported her, so she stayed, and became what they needed her to be.

It was probably added after the fact, but it has been showned that Lilith got Ava, Beatrice and Camila away from Adriel in the last scene of s1. That means Lilith also left Mary there to die. Imagine how much that must have fucked her up. I too would be hesitant to show up at the OCS. She can’t go back there, and that “other side”, the one that would reflect Ava’s journey, is Adriel. So she went to him, and he believed in her and supported her. She became what he needed her to be.

This new Lilith is becoming more and more like the Lilith from the myths. Thing is, that character is… evil? And there are hints in season 2 to her becoming more like that. First, Lilith is supposed to have some sort of control on wind and storms. Adriel says in their first meeting that the storm around them was made by Lilith, but he also makes wind in his final fight with Ava? It’s hard to know if he was making that first storm to manipulate her, or if Lilith really was making a storm without meaning to.

When Lilith is chasing Vincent early in the season, we are presented with this beautiful mural. I had to ask some friends, some say its just some art that was on the wall, some say it’s a mural that was made for the show. I decided to go with that last idea, simply because of the drawing on the right (and it’s more fun this way).

Lilith, according to pretty much everything she appears in, is a baby killer. Which, huh, isn’t great! She kills newborn babies, or sometimes pregnant people, or sometimes just people in general. And that graffiti, seen while Vincent is being chased by Lilith, feels kind of on purpose.

(If you’re asking about the other character drawn, I can only hope that this is Adriel’s hairy ass, a demon with a nicer mask, but I have big doubts about that. I think it’s Asmodeus, and we’re about to meet him in s3, cause Lilith is also seen as his queen in some writings, and wouldnt that be cool?!)

I have been obsessively reading on Lilith since I watched the season, and I remember reading somewhere that Lilith has a realm, somewhere, according to Something. But I cannot find it again, so this is all pulled out of my ass, don’t take this for gold. But I’m pretty sure I read somewhere about Lilith having a realm, and leading hordes of demons. If I did really saw that and it wasn’t a fever dream, then I really hope that’s the way Warrior Nun goes.

At the end of s2, Lilith doesn’t have any desire to kill Ava, and some people were confused by that. For me, it’s just a big parallel to the end of s1. Lilith is constantly there to try (and fail) to stop Ava from Doing Something. Back then it was from freeing Adriel, now it was to stop him from using Reya’s power. Adriel hinted about a divine war, a devourer of world coming, and it make sense to think that he would have told all of that to Lilith. She’s smart, if she knows what’s coming and know that Adriel is gone, then she also knows that she might need Ava in the future. Who knows what’s coming! Not me! Even Lilith didn’t know if they would be on the same side. It would be stupid to kill someone that you might need later.

It’s is particularly funny to see people complain that she “turned evil”, considering Lilith has always been Bad. First scene we see her, and she’s waiting for Shanon to die so that she can take the Halo. She then tries to kill Ava to take the Halo. In the first few episodes of s2, she has no problem with hurting and killing people. Remember how much she enjoyed torturing Ava in the first episodes of s1. She was always morally grey at best, if not straight up bad.

Lilith is one of the most interesting characters of the show, and I say that only because so much thought has been put into Ava and I am obsessed with my Baetrice, so Lilith comes close third. The depth of her story is so good. The idea of making her the opposite of Ava, since the first episode of season 1, they are playing the long game. Ava started the show with nothing, and through trust and resilience, found a family and a purpose. Lilith started the show with everything, and through selfishness and refusing support, she lost her purpose and her family.

They didn’t “fuck up her arc” in season 2. This has always been her story.

#she is the blorbo from my show #my little meow meow #she can do nothing wrong but she's also straight up evil hope this helps xx #oh and in case you were wondering #this was the short version #i have so much more thoughts about possible future lore #help i am lost in the sauce #please tell me your thoughts #i wanna know what yall think So Bad #warrior nun #warrior nun spoilers #are we still tagging spoilers?#lilith #warrior nun analysis #sister lilith

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walkingtalkingsomething · 6 months

Text

✨Taylor Swift Makes Everything Better Lyric Prompts - Pt. 2✨

It's exactly what the title says. I find song lyrics in general very inspiring and have a notebook of ones that strike me for one reason or another but don't have the 'whatever' that's needed to write them. And I unapologetically stan the hell out of Ms. Swift and am so often struck by her word choices. So this is my collection of the TS lyrics that conjure up the most thoughts - minus a ton of sad ones because I am just too soft to be putting that much angst into the world 😊

Lover

•Your name on my lips tongue tied, Free rent living in my mind - I Forgot That You Existed

•Fever dream high in the quiet of the night, You know that I caught it - Cruel Summer

•And I screamed for whatever it's worth, 'I love you,' Ain't that the worst thing you ever heard? - Cruel Summer

•There's a dazzling haze, A mysterious way about you dear, Have I've known 20 seconds or 20 years? - Lover

•I think he knows his hands around a cold glass make me wanna know that body like it's mine - I Think He Knows

•He got that boyish look that I like in a man - I Think He Knows

•Got that, Ah, I mean, Wanna see what's under that attitude - I Think He Knows

•I think he knows when we get all alone I'll make myself at home and he'll want me to stay - I Think He Knows

•Lyrical smile, Indigo eyes, Hand on my thigh we could follow the sparks, I'll drive - I Think He Knows

•We're so sad we paint the town blue, Voted most likely to run away with you - Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince

•Kiss me once cause you know I had a long night, Kiss me twice cause it's gonna be alright, Three times cause I've waited my whole life - Paper Rings

•I like shiny things but I'd marry you with paper rings, Uh huh, That's right, Darling, You're the one I want, And I hate accidents except when we went from friends to this, Uh huh, That's right, Darling, You're the one I want in paper rings, In picture frames, In dirty dreams - Paper Rings

•Barefoot in the kitchen, Sacred new beginnings that became my religion - Cornelia Street

•My heart, My hips, My body, My love, Trying to find a part of me that you didn't touch - Death By a Thousand Cuts

•Something gave you the nerve to touch my hand, It's nice to have a friend - It's Nice To Have a Friend

Folklore

•We were something, don't you think so? Rosé flowing with your chosen family, And it would've been sweet if it could've been me - The One

•And when I felt like I was an old cardigan under someone's bed, You put me on and said I was your favorite - Cardigan

•You drew stars around my scars - Cardigan

•I knew you tried to change the ending, Peter losing Wendy - Cardigan

•I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss, I knew you'd haunt all of my what ifs, The smell of smoke would hang around this long - Cardigan

•I think I've seen this film before and I didn't like the ending - Exile

•I can see you staring, Honey, Like he's just your understudy, Like you'd get your knuckles bloodied for me - Exile

•And I've been meaning to tell you I think your house is haunted, Your dad is always mad and that must be why - Seven

•I can see us lost in the memory/And I can see us twisted in bedsheets - August

•I didn't know if you'd care if I came back, I have a lot of regrets about that - This Is Me Trying

•And maybe I don't quite know what to say, But I'm here in your doorway - This Is Me Trying

•You showed me colors you know I can't see with anyone else/You taught me a secret language I can't speak with anyone else - Illicit Affairs

•And isn't it just so pretty to think all along there was some invisible string tying you to me? - Invisible String

•Right now is the last time I can dream about what happens when you see my face again - Betty

•But I'm a fire and I'll keep your brittle heart warm If your cascade ocean wave blues come - Peace

•And you know that I'd swing with you for the fences, Sit with you in the trenches, Give you my wild, Give you a child, Give you the silence that only comes when two people understand each other, Family that I chose now that I see your brother as my brother - Peace

•Don't want no other shade of blue but you, No other sadness in the world would do - Hoax

•You knew the password so I let you in the door - Hoax

•Take me to the lakes where all the poets went to die, I don't belong and my beloved neither do you - The Lakes

Evermore

•Wherever you stray, I follow - Willow

•Head on the pillow, I could feel you creeping in as if you were a mythical thing, Like you were a trophy or a champion ring, But there was one prize I'd cheat to win - Willow

•Your Midas touch on the Chevy door, November flush and your flannel cure - Champagne Problems

•There's an ache in you put there by the ache in me - 'Tis The Damn Season

•And the heart I know I'm breaking is my own, To leave the warmest bed I've ever known - 'Tis The Damn Season

•Gain the weight, Then lose it - Tolerate It

•No one teaches you what to do when a good man hurts you, And you know you hurt him too - Happiness

But are you still the same soul I met under the bleachers? - Dorothea

•And do you miss the rogue who coaxed you into paradise and left you there? Will you forgive my soul when you're too wise to trust me and too old to care? - Coney Island

•Oh, Goddamn, My pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand - Ivy

•My house of stone, Your ivy grows and now I'm covered in you - Ivy

•Your opal eyes are all I wish to see, He wants what's only yours - Ivy

•So yeah, It's a fire, It's a goddamn blaze in the dark and you started it - Ivy

• You're a bandit like me, Eyes full of stars, Hustlin' for the good life, Never thought I'd meet you here - Cowboy Like Me

•And the skeletons in both our closets plotted hard to fuck this up - Cowboy Like Me

•Now you hang from my lips like the gardens of Babylon, With your boots beneath my bed, Forever is the sweetest con - Cowboy Like Me

•And it's been so long but if you ever think you got it wrong, I'm right where you left me - Right Where You Left Me

Midnights

•And I wake with your memory over me, That's a real fucking legacy to leave - Maroon

•I wake up screaming from dreaming one day I'll watch as your leaving and life will lose all its meaning for the last time - Anti Hero

•And time can't stop me quite like you did - Snow on the Beach

•I wait patiently, He's gonna notice me, It's ok we're the best of friends...anyways - You're on Your Own, Kid

•They said the end coming, Everyone's up to something, I find myself running home to your sweet nothings, Outside they're push and shoving, You're in the kitchen humming, All that you ever wanted from me was sweet nothing - Sweet Nothing

•To you I can admit that I'm just too soft for all of it - Sweet Nothing

Misc.

•Seen you fall, Seen you crawl on your knees, Seen you lost in a crowd, Seen your colors fade, Wish I could make it better, Someday you won't remember this pain you thought would last forever and ever - Sweeter Than Fiction

•What a sight when the light came on, Proved me right when you proved them wrong - Sweeter Than Fiction

•Follow me home if you dare to, I wouldn't know where to lead you - Beautiful Ghosts

Part. 1

#writing prompts #lyrics prompts #song lyrics prompts #taylor swift prompts

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himbo-in-limbo · 1 year

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TW EYES AND CREEPY IMAGERY

I’ve been plagued with vivid dreams for as long as I can remember. Having been a child who was prone to night terrors I’ve had many experiences most would find in a horror movie. (no it did not help that my dad had me watch scary movies at the ripe age of 5)

Albeit I am desensitized to gore as a result, anyways just thought I’d give a bit of insight as to how this piece was inspired I guess?? Or at least why I dream the things I do.

Anyways. About 2 days ago I had the most interesting dream (I don’t call it a nightmare because I was not afraid) all I remember I was having a pretty normal abstract dream leading to nowhere when all of a sudden, I stepped outside onto a metal balcony with some stranger. The sky began to turn pitch black yet was illuminated by a super blood moon. Everyone was outside staring at the moon because I think it came out unexpectedly. Unfortunately I did not add it but the infamous eldritch creature from blood borne was there sitting atop a red mountain. (They phased in and crowds of people started screaming) saying “WHAT IS THAT?!” Or “ OH MY GOD”…

It didn’t move though, it just sat there. Suddenly this…”Tree” emerged out of the sky, just floating there. It was completely pitch black but you could make it out as a tree. That’s when it’s middle eye opened. The chills that went down my spine as two other eyes appeared right after. they paralyzed everyone. I think my subconscious was remembering a War of The Worlds tick tock I saw a couple of days prior because what I heard next was a play on the infamous noise those alien ships made. it sounded different but similar.

This noise though lemme tell ya…god it was loud (I’m surprised I didn’t wake up) i felt it shaking my whole body and it was so bad it made me close my eyes. I felt like I was passing out in my dream! after those second set of eyes opened though all the screaming from the crowds were immediately silenced. And staring what I thought was in my direction was that eldritch creature from blood borne. but that was all last second before I “passed out” in my dream.

And then I woke up! I’m sure there’s more details I missed out on but I am sick and sleepy so yeah

(Maybe it was all just a crazy fever dream)

#and no this is not the first eldritch dream I’ve had #tw eyes #tw creepy #eldrich horror #cosmic horror #also pretty sure the tree came from me watching mob psycho or something #my art #digital art #digital illustration #limbos crazy dream #limbo rants

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dhr-fics · 2 years

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Author: LovesBitca8

All Right (18KB - 7 Chapters - NC-17) A collection of drabbles and short stories Post-TRTTD/ATWT. Marriage, kids, Grandpa Lucius, babysitter Harry, Draco raising a teenage girl, etc.

All the Wrong Things (92KB - 24 Chapters - NC-17) Sequel to "The Right Thing to Do" - Draco's POV. Part 2 of the "Rights and Wrongs" series.

apples & cream (10KB - One Shot - NC-17) She could have taken her things and gone through his Floo without a word. She could have ignored him on Monday morning, as though last night had been no more than a fever dream and too much Firewhisky. But she’d come back to bed.

The Auction (796KB - 41 Chapters - NC-17) In the wake of the Dark Lord’s triumph over Harry Potter, the defeated must learn their new place. Hermione Granger, former Golden Girl, has been captured and reduced to human chattel. Sold to the highest bidder as the top prize at an auction of Order members and sympathizers, she is thrust into the rabid, waiting hands of the Death Eaters. But despite the horrors of Voldemort’s new world, help—and hope—seem to arise from the most unlikely of places.

brandy, apricot, and spice (12KB - One Shot - NC-17) There’s a Christmas pudding in his cupboard. It was made by warm hands with strong fingers, kneading into the mix and chopping quickly as she had in Potions. It was made before. And now, he supposes, it is after.

dancing bears, painted wings (17KB - One Shot - R) Hermione stared at him. And in a flash, something blurred in front of her eyes — some refraction of the light, like a prism of colors splashing over him. She remembered him from school so clearly for a moment. As if he had ever swept his arm out and allowed her to walk in front of him anywhere. It felt like another life. A different universe of events. "Granger?" She blinked, and it vanished. Malfoy was frowning at her.

Every Day, a Little Death (160KB - 11 Chapters - NC-17) It has become common knowledge that Hermione Granger cannot have an orgasm. Many have tried, none have succeeded. Can Draco Malfoy offer his assistance? // 8th Year AU

familiar faces, worn out places (24KB - One Shot - NC-17) “You are at St. Mungo’s. You were in a coma.” He looks me over again, taking a pause. “I am a Healer here now,” he says, like it explains something. My fingers stretch, drifting across his sleeve. He looks down, like I’ve thrown mud at him. Forcing my vocal chords together for the first time, I whisper, “What’s your name?”

Good (84KB - Incomplete - NC-17) He stood, buttoned his robes, and came around her desk to lean against the front. “Blaise told me you’re looking for something specific.” She blinked at him, wondering if she could reach for the emergency Portkey she kept in her shelves and disappear to St. Mungo’s before he could stop her. Her mouth opened, voice beginning to squeak a response. “And I just wanted to drop by,” he cut her off and tilted his head, “and say that I’m flattered. But I won’t be taking you on.” “That’s—that’s not—what?” “I don’t think we’d be a good fit,” he said simply, like he was interviewing her for a secretary position.

I Think It Might (21KB - One Shot - R) If Floo calls are similar to Muggle phone calls, then can I suggest you all to ruminate on the equivalent of a Muggle dick pic? Perhaps you are sitting by your fire. You hear the whoosh of a Floo call, and you look over to find AN UNWELCOMED TURGID MEMBER IN YOUR FIREPLACE. The audacity of these wizards, am I right? Hermione Granger keeps a pail of freezing water next to the fireplace.

Kiss Me, Haunt Me, Kill Me (18KB - One Shot - NC-17) "So," she said, and her voice was just as he'd remembered it, "you've chosen to haunt the castle as well?" She lifted her brows. "I'm dead. What's your excuse?" Draco Malfoy returns to Hogwarts as Potions Master to find the ghost of Hermione Granger floating through the halls.

Mistletoe Woes (26KB - 3 Chapters - NC-17) At the Ministry's Christmas Masquerade, the enchanted mistletoe branches are fun in theory.... A grumpy Hermione resigns herself to standing alone and un-harassed, watching Draco Malfoy enjoy himself, and decidedly NOT thinking about what an excellent shag he'd been.

Nothing Good Happens After 2AM (28KB - 2 Chapters - NC-17) And in the heartbeat that he didn't return the kiss, Hermione saw the rest of her school year flash before her eyes. The embarrassment, the teasing. Her chest constricted at this terribly awful thing she just did — kissing Draco Malfoy.

oh my god, they were roommates (24KB - One Shot - NC-17) "I'm not going anywhere, Granger." He gave her a smile that crept up his pointed features. "I am living in my court-ordered exile in my court-ordered flat. You're the one choosing to live here." "I'm not leaving, Malfoy." She planted her hands on her hips and her feet on the floor. He tilted his wine glass back, his long throat swallowing every last drop as he glared at her. Smacking his lips, he stood from the table and strutted down the hall with a "We'll see," tossed over his shoulder.

Ribbons Down Her Back (15KB - One Shot - PG-13) The unintentional annual seduction of Draco Malfoy through a series of ribbons and bows - or - Christmas Fluff with a dash of Secret Santa.

The Right Thing To Do (443KB - 36 Chapters - NC-17) Hermione felt the pounding in her ears again. She would see him for the first time since the Great Hall, gaunt and stricken at the Slytherin table with his mother clutching his arm. She hadn't meant to look for him. Not in the corridors, not beneath the white sheets of the fallen, not on the way to the Chamber of Secrets with Ron, but she was a stupid girl.

Sock It to Me (9KB - One Shot - NC-17) A love story between Draco Malfoy and his socks. Oh, and his girlfriend is there too.

A Stake of Holly Through His Heart (27KB - One Shot - NC-17) The one thing Draco Malfoy hated more than Christmas was snow. Snow had a habit of ruining your plans, causing delays, and generally making you damp. But this Christmas Day blesses him with his third and fourth least favorite things as well: crying girls and Hermione Granger.

We’ll Always Have Paris… (20KB - One Shot - NC-17) Witch Weekly's "129 Ways to Woo Your Wizard" has some pretty outlandish suggestions. But Hermione is determined to woo her recently divorced co-worker. Even if she has to drag him to a different continent.

When What's Right Is Wrong (20KB - One Shot - NC-17) “There will be a medical examination tomorrow morning.” Her breath hitched, and something stuck in her throat. She waited calmly, trying not to betray her frantic heartbeat. “Alright,” she managed. “Is there something you need me to do?” A breath left him, almost a laugh, and he spun to stare at her bookshelf, like he couldn’t bear the sight of her. “You are a virgin. Still.” Realization cracked over her like an egg against a bowl. Her skin was tingling and numb as she took a deep breath. “Will they check for that?”

Whiteout (16KB - One Shot - NC-17) Detention with Draco Malfoy shouldn't be this complicated, should it? || Seventh Year AU

Wrong Time, Wrong Place (10KB - One Shot - NC-17) "Satisfied, Granger? That makes one of us." Draco is a little riled up after one of Hermione's "practice sessions." A companion piece to The Auction

#author: LovesBitca8 #published: 2017

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umbrellamedic · 5 months

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Day 2

There is something off about this place. Not just the locals.

Slept in my little shelter until sunrise. Woke up to find someone had left a small book just outside; am I so heavy a sleeper? Could not have been one of the locals, whoever did this did not try to maim me. Paging through the book revealed it to be a survival guide. My first thought was that I am being mocked, but then something strange happened.

One of the pages outlined several different types of shelters. I was looking over the small log cabin and thinking to myself that that could be useful. Then it happened. My body moved on its own, lowering the book and lifting my head so I was looking at the land around my little shelter, but with the addition of what I can only describe as the ghost outline of the cabin I was looking at in the book! It moved with me when I looked around until I saw a spot that I thought would be fitting for the thing. Somehow this anchored it to the spot! Attached to the ghost cabin was what I could only describe as a floating- not a list, not long enough. Score keeper? It showed how many logs to build the cabin and that I had delivered zero thus far. When I turned my head to look around, the ghost cabin did not follow, but there was a strange yellow hammer indicating where the cabin was compared to my current location.

I returned to the survival guide, deciding to test what this was on something smaller. I found an image of a firepit and then looked up. Nothing. I looked back to the image and thought that I needed it; again, my arms lowered and my gaze raised to find another ghostly outline. It was faster for me to find a spot for it- just in front of the ghost cabin. It required sticks, stones, and leaves.

All these things are perfectly uniform. I compared every rock, every stick- Hell, every leaf- I found. All perfectly similar to one another. No matter where I had gotten them from. Somehow, that is not the strangest thing. When I lifted them up they vanished. Kind of. All I had to do was think about it and suddenly a blue tarp opened before me. There was a backpack I have never seen before, some square area in the center, and the stick. I could not look away from it until I felt I was finished? I am still not sure, it is difficult to describe. I am able to haul around several sticks and rocks in this way without using my hands. It defies all sense.

I cut down several trees- they were felled easier than they should have been, and with my pathetic little ax, no less. Every one of them fell and- I am not sure how to describe it- exploded into perfectly uniform logs. No leaves, no bits sticking out. Just perfect logs. These could only be carried over my shoulder and not with the other, smaller things. But I was able to heft two at a time without issue. I am strong, but not that strong. Hell, HUNK would have trouble with such a feat.

Were those not wild blueberries I ate before? Am I little more than a poisoned body collapsed near a crashed plane hallucinating all of this? I would like to think I have more interesting fever dreams. Everything except murdering my attackers with an ax has been boring. Strange, but boring.

Speaking of. They returned during yet another storm. I do not remember if I mentioned. I awoke to a storm. It passed. Then a more violent one drifted in at sundown. This second group was much larger. Two of them seemed to be leaders of some sort. They had clubs made from skulls and hands and wore- I am not sure- legs and disks strapped to themselves along with the loincloths? They came with several of the growling, screaming nudists I saw last night. This time they attacked the structures I began to build. I murdered them. It was cold and wet, but burning their bodies added fuel to the fire and warmed me. If I am slowly dying and hallucinating all this, there is little that anything produced by the burning savages can do to me. As I watched the bodies they dissolved into nothing but femurs and skulls. Several femurs and one skull per body, regardless of what they wore or how I killed them. Except the one I cut the head off of. I wish to mount the head somewhere. He offended me.

#v: the forest

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wroteonedad · 8 months

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Hyperfixations 001

Usually I try to keep myself busy as much as possible, cherishing the time I have before I need to clock into work and also be busy for another 6-7 hours. I like to go for walks in the afternoon before work, I enjoy going out for coffee and reading, doing spots of shopping and calling family members. This weekend on the other hand, has been tough for me. Where I live, we have an air show that always takes place from the last day of August until around the 3rd September (so today as I'm writing this), but these days always feel a little bit like more of a quarantine to me. Having a sensory issue with loud noises is so difficult for me, especially being sat at home waiting for these planes to pass by. Some are bearable, others are a lot more difficult to cope with. So I've essentially done nothing for the last 4 days before work and it is driving me crazy. So I had this grand idea to perhaps use some of my free time to discuss other things I have done in my free time, things I am consuming and enjoying in the hopes to sway others to look into it and enjoy these things too.

Sims 2

First of all, I have been playing a lot of Sims 2. I dip through phases where I choose between if I like Sims 2 or Sims 4 and at the moment it's definitely 2. I've had the Ultimate Collection for years on my laptop and it truly feels like a fever dream playing this game, the options really are endless, you can drive a car and you can even spawn in burglars who run away because Bigfoot is also living in my house and he likes to go out and scare them. Last night I came back from work at 3:30am and the first thing I thought to do was get my laptop out so I could squeeze in one more hour of Sims before I went to sleep, it is getting bad. My insomnia is returning and this game is perhaps rotting my brain.

With the option of three whole towns in the base game alone, how could you not want to play the game? I still think Seasons and the Night Life packs are the best in the series and without them I'm not sure I would know where I am. The University expansion is also lots of fun and a lot more versatile than the Sims 4 edition of the game (I've never played it, but I saw enough reviews to know I never need to play that one).

Kylie & Kendall Jenner's Rebels: City of Indra

Second of all, I am still very slowly trying to read my way through the Kendall and Kylie Jenner book. I mentioned a few months ago on my Instagram that I had purchased a second hand copy of the book since I could not comprehend spending nearly 20 British pounds on a book that is written by a ghost writer. It's been hard trying to read this book, really hard. I am about 100 pages in so far and knowing that I am going to write a review on this at some point does pain me because I'm not sure how I'm going to do it. The basic premise of this book is about two orphan girls who are very much like wow I'm so quirky and different from everyone else, but they're really not. Many aspects of this novel are not particularly captivating or in depth, but I am also beginning to enjoy some of the story.

If you're really interested, MTV were so kind to produce a chapter for free online here.

The Simpsons

I've been watching The Simpsons with my boyfriend, we are watching it all chronologically and I'm not sure how long it will take to watch a show spanning about 33 seasons and over 20 episodes per season on average, but I think it's going to take a while. I'm very much enjoying it though, I think everyone needs to go and watch the first season so you can watch as all the voice actors really immerse into their character over time. The show is streaming on Disney + so you have plenty of time to watch it since Disney own nearly everything these days.

On that note, speaking of Disney, let's quickly discuss their rival, Nick. Remember the classic movie Good Burger? Please say you do, it's one of my comfort movies. Well after all these years, it seems the movie is getting the sequel that literally nobody asked for thanks to Paramount +, they've even posted a teaser trailer for the upcoming film on social media. If anything, I think it's pretty cool that the original cast still speak to and like each other enough to even think about rebooting a 25 year old film.

youtube

Film Breakdowns

I've been spending quite a lot of my free time watching movies, going out for dinner in places I've never explored, and listening to the same music that I've been listening to for the last three years. But as for movies, here is a quick roundup.

Was feeling down the other week so I ordered a strawberry and white chocolate waffle from Creams and watched Asteroid City. It might be one of my favourite Wes Anderson movies to date, and I was obsessed with the little alien guy. I want to write a full scale review though so I won't go into detail.

*This is Mikes Mic by the way.

I finally watched Freaky Friday in full, I'm truly not sure why I hadn't sat down to watch this before, but it was a perfect no thoughts head empty movie. Jamie Lee Curtis spends the entire movie serving MILF and I think that is a very important thing to note. I watched this because I watched Blue Valentine first, which features Ryan Gosling not driving much, but instead being a drunken and horrible boyfriend. There were lots of layers to uncover with this movie and it was a dreadful movie to even think about releasing on Valentine's Day and I can see why people were so mad about it. I watched the original Blade Runner with the intention of watching Blade Runner 2049, but haven't got round to it yet. I think I'm just having a bit of a moment with Ryan Gosling, kind of just want to watch every film he has been in ever.

Music

Music wise, there are lots of little pieces of music I am currently listening to on repeat. First and foremost, Olivia Roderigo's sophomore album GUTS finally came out on Friday. The album is full of fun singalong hits, lyrically more in depth and tune with the current affairs of her life in comparison to SOUR and overall a really enjoyable listen. I see where the critics are coming from in terms of 'but it sounds the same as her last album' and I do see characteristics of it, in some places it does sound like an extension of SOUR, but I don't think it always has to be a bad thing.

Secondly, for all my house music people. I need everybody to spend just under an hour of their time listening to Cherry by Daphni. I feel as though it has changed my life. There are elements of city pop which has been revamped to sound modern with its bass and vibe and in other places, it sounds like something Mount Kimbie would have dropped 5 years ago. It's a wonderful piece and has a song on the album for everyone.

#Youtube #essay #misc #hyperfixations #sims 2 #kendall jenner #kylie jenner #the simpsons #good burger #asteroid city #blue valentine #freaky friday #blade runner #olivia rodrigo #daphni

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tellthemeerkatsitsfine · 8 months

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It’s August 26, 2023, so you know all know what that means, right? Right? Well all agree on the significance of August 26?

Happy Cowgate Day!!

youtube

Exactly twenty years ago on this day, some shit went down at the Gilded Balloon theatre in Edinburgh, Scotland that we may never truly understand. I have been searching for answers for over a year now, and it has led down some interesting paths. My search has led me to learn about things the 2002 fire that burned down various buildings in Edinburgh, the history of the Gilded Balloons Late 'n' Live festival event, and the international cow parade, in the hopes that any of those could be related to what the fuck they were doing. But I still don't know, and we may never know. Maybe no one knows. Maybe, even the five men who participated would not be able to explain it, if I asked them, which I would like to. Perhaps due to forgetting in the twenty intervening years, perhaps they didn't even know at the time.

What I definitely remember is the first I found the video of these events, a bit over a year ago now. At the time I was working on another mystery, which has since been solved. I was trying to figure out why a bunch of comedians from the early 00s were nicknamed the Chocolate Milk Gang - I found a few references to the name online, but couldn't find a clear explanation of the meaning. That search seemed to take forever at the time, but in retrospect, it was comparatively quick. I found that answer within only about a week of constant searching (David O'Doherty explains it in his episode of the Comedian's Comedian podcast, it's because they got chocolate milkshakes instead of alcohol after late-night Edinburgh shows), but I had no idea that in the process of uncovering that one, I'd stumble upon a much deeper mystery, much harder to solve.

...Last summer, I was going through some shit. Depression, and related insomnia. I found myself staying up all night regularly, so I had time to do things like obsessively Google collective nicknames for comedians. My Chocolate Milk Gang Googling led me to some old videos of them performing at Edinburgh, I went through them one at a time, and I distinctly recall that it was 2 AM when I found this one. I wrote a post about it at the time. Here's what I wrote in that post, along with a link to the video:

Right. Okay. This video definitely doesn’t exist. I’m going to be honest, it’s 2 AM where I am and I should have gone to bed a while ago but I got really into watching these videos so I stayed up doing that. I just came to this one, which made me realize I actually did go to bed at a reasonable hour, and am currently having a fever dream. This is not a real video. Adam Hills did not narrate, via the medium of Eminem-style rap, while Daniel Kitson, John Oliver, David O’Doherty, and Demitri Martin took apart a cow on stage in 2003. Clearly, the lack of answer to my burning question about why the fuck they’re called the Chocolate Milk Gang has finally caused me to lose my mind completely. It has driven me to the point of mentally manifesting a YouTube video that definitely doesn’t exist. My brain has taken all the times I’ve watched Adam Hills rap on The Last Leg, and all the other weird Britcom things I’ve been watching lately, and all my Beautiful Mind-style efforts to unravel the mysteries of the Chocolate Milk Gang, and it’s thrown all those things together into one video that’s occurred in my fever dream. I would say it’s a problem that the events of this video leave me with so many new questions, but actually it’s fine, because none of this really happened.

I had no idea. No idea that that this one was going to keep me up at night for far longer than the original question. Since then, I've named the event Cowgate, and have tried without success to look up an explanation for it. I did make a post a few weeks ago that summarized some of what I've found on my otherwise fruitless quest for answers - that post can bring someone up to speed, if they are interested in the Cowgate Saga.

Part of that searching led me to this video, which contains a different angle on the events (somehow, it was captured twice), as well a bit of stuff from earlier in that same night, and it’s how I learned that the exact date of the events was August 26, 2003:

youtube

Look, I am joking when I say I think this was the peak of comedy. But there’s a kernel of something I really mean in there. These were five people (Daniel Kitson, John Oliver, David O’Doherty, Demitri Martin, Adam Hills) who went off in wildly different directions after this, and all, I think, did great things in their respective ways. But it’s not just about that. In trying to learn about the name of the Chocolate Milk Gang, I learned a whole lot more than I’d planned about the history and what preceded them and what came after them. They weren’t the first people to do the sort of thing they did. But maybe they were among the first to make it normal and mainstream, off the influence of the 80s and 90s alternative comedy things. And they definitely influenced a lot of people who came after them. And then there’s this one night in 2003, exactly 20 years ago, at the centre of all that, where these people took a brief break from paving a way in comedy to take apart a cow on stage, and no one will fucking tell me why.

I do also genuinely rather like the poetry in the fact that this happened on Nish Kumar’s eighteenth birthday. The idea that just as he was literally coming of age, these other comedians were out there throwing cows around to make a path for him and lots of other comedians who like that stuff. Nish Kumar has repeatedly cited David O’Doherty, John Oliver, and Daniel Kitson as people who’ve inspired him in comedy.

So today, that means, is Nish Kumar’s thirty-eighth birthday. Also the day his special came out. I mean, technically his special aired yesterday, but it didn’t start appearing on parts of the internet where I can find it until today. I do now have it downloaded, and I think spending the evening watching this excellent Nish Kumar show is the perfect way to celebrate Cowgate’s twentieth anniversary.

That’s definitely the only thing I’m doing about it being Cowgate Day today. I definitely wasn’t grocery shopping earlier today, saw a stuffed cow toy on sale, and bought it in honour of the anniversary. That would be fucking weird, if I’d done that.

…I’ve named him Chocolate Milk.

There are real-life things happening that make this a good night to celebrate. I'm a few weeks into my new job, which I don't hate nearly as much as my old job, so that's great. But it's also mostly between 9 and 10-hour days, so while I get used to doing this instead of the work-from-home job that I had for years, just the fact that it's Saturday and I didn't have to do that feels like a reason to celebrate. Also, I got blood drawn this week (terrifying, to me) and my blood is fine (massive relief, to me and my health anxiety). Also, most significantly, just yesterday, after months of stress and worry about issues with my roommate who's moved out and thinking I wouldn't be allowed to say in the house where I've been living for four years, my landlord told us that she's approved my application and I can take over the lease with full control next week. My best friend is moving into my old roommate's bedroom, I'm excited to live with him, I'm so relieved about this news.

So things are coming together, and I've decided to celebrate by ordering shawarma from my favourite spot, and spending this evening watching Nish Kumar's show and then watching various Chocolate Milk Gang things to mark Cowgate Day. Might take apart the stuffed cow with a pipe later, we'll see how the night goes.

#Youtube

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vermosu · 9 months

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My summer holiday recaps :

Went to The 2023 Dream Festival in Busan to watch BtoB on stage ✅

Flying solo ✈️ Seoul - London 🛩️ ✅

2 summer course without any break. My EC scores increased! ✅

Get rid of my tired sorrow with crying out loud at the graves of opung, cousin, as well as other our late families in London grieve sucks✅

First timer using own health insurance in Spain due to bleeding after a trivial incident, my mistakes btw ✅

This Spanish-born boy spoke to local people while traveling to Ibiza and visiting the hospital where he was born. How happy I am to learn Spanish ✅

Road trip from Spain to Germany with Ibu and Samchon ✅

Annual check up and make a reservation for my big surgery next year in Berlin ✅

Back to London to renew my passport. Reunited with my childhood friends also came to the family gathering in Cambridge ✅

Stayed 3 days in Masan and helped Samchon's grandparents to look after their minimarket ✅

Shop for stationery for the new school year ✅

Picked up Hosae, Egg and Pancake from the Pet Hotel and stayed up late because Egg had a fever after the F4 vaccination ✅

Watching our favourite one and only Netflix series D.P. 2 with Ibu, Samchon and Wooseok hyeong at Samchon's studio accompanied by baso cuangki and budae jjigae ✅

Go watch Ibu's Krav Maga level up ✅

And the last one, boys day out with Samchon 🖤🖤🖤 ✅

So guys, how is your summer going?

I hope you are always surrounded with the kind people you respect and do the things you love!!!

Please, please keep hydrated! Don't forget to reapply your sunscreen!

Our earth is boiling rn 🔥😭 Please live your day well for yourself as well as for your planet.

Fyi during the summer of this year my mother went to the hospital almost 10 times because of many complaints (including when she was in Saudi Arabia). This condition is very bad for sensitive groups and this is not only happening in Seoul but many places on earth. So please take good care of your health! Treat your environment with kindness!

I'm talking too far. I know.

Tomorrow is my first day of school. My final grade in elementary school. Wow, am I ready enough? Should my study quota be restarted again? ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

Good night world!

From me who managed to eat cold soba after a month long craving. Thank you Samchon for riding the motorbike from Seoul to Gangwon-do to have fun with me today. Huh I'm pretty envy bcs you are still off work until the end of this month, but I'm also happy because you can pick me up from school every day 🎉

Bye 👋🏻

#mosuweirdofamily #mosu is talking too far #samchonsweetguy #ibudindinmylove

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bacchicly · 10 months

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So I have written one song in my life that has been performed (in a show I toured) and I still love it. It opened a solo show called Aphrodite's Turn that I toured almost 20 years ago to mixed reviews (and seriously I got excellent reviews and really really hating reviews and rereading it I see why) about a Fat Lady from a side show... the beginning was not the character though... it was the narrator... and here's the song... and then the weird prose that follows it...and heck...I will throw in the rest of the show...I warn you it is a fever dream...but I think you could imagine Kristen Vangness or Penelope performing it. They are both taller and not as fat as me - but I think either of them would make it something I never was able to... And I did reasonably well.

Content warnings: Freakshow performers, racism and homophobia (both called out but still heartbreaking), prostitution, abuse, idiot savant character, sex descriptions, mashed up myth, sappiness, poetry, fever dream like storytelling. Sapphic love (unrequited? Definately heartbreaking); straight love. Brief child death mention. Alcohol. Hope. Selling Children.

Ps - this came out around the time of Carnivale and has those vibes - but I have never watched the series. There was also a book out which was similar which I skimmed at my last stop of the tour. But any similarities were more the fact that sideshows were what they were and modern takes on them are what they are.

Enjoy? 🤷🏼‍♀️. The plays running time was about 45 mins...so about 16 pages with lots of space?

APHRODITE’S TURN

by me, originally performed by me, directed and dramaturgy by my mother (!)

(1)

Sound of ocean rollers on a beach. THE WOMAN enters costumed as THE FAT LADY in a baby doll dress which shows a lot of bosom. The actor should not be padded. She is made to seem bigger if required by providing scaled down set pieces. THE WOMAN allows the audience to gaze at her body and frankly returns the gaze. Sound of ocean rollers fading. Sound of train whistle fading.

(SINGING)

If you really think about it

The first circus train was really a ship

Razorbacks loading them two by two

As Medusa and the unicorns wept

(SPOKEN)

Are you one who dreams of the Razorbacks? Razorbacks: Circus Men.

Roustabouts loading cages and wagons onto the backs of circus trains? So do you dream of the ones who loaded the trains? The Razorbacks? Sweating and straining, hands calloused and filthy. Building their appetites for late night boozy suppers and for someone's cushy body. A Dream of Men. Working men all around you. Men. A gang of deep Razorback voices in the darkness and the soot.

Razorbacks singing the gospel of the Stowaways:

(SINGING)

Snuck on board in the belly of the ship

Were the fat, the ugly, and the disfigured

The magical, the mythical, and misunderstood

All because of a single love

(SPOKEN)

Sound familiar? You are not alone. (Smile) There are more of us who dream of the Razorbacks than you might think. And we’ve all learned their song…

(SINGING)

With one of Noah’s less than perfect ones

One of the razorbacks was in love

So he made a pact with the Raven and Dove

To ensure the Stowaways’ safety

(SPOKEN)

A fine dream, a soothing dream…Strong-armed men rescuing the weak and unwanted…So comforting….so much love…

(2)

Severe shift: what’s bothering her comes to the surface despite trying to keep it down.

But then the horror begins. You realise that you are trapped inside one of the cages. You are being hoisted onto the circus train, because you are the Razorback’s familiar nightly load. And it haunts you that, without the Razorbacks, you would have been left behind during the flood. Left behind with the ‘less than perfect ones’. For who is ‘perfect?’

(3)

She shudders, and then takes hold of herself.

Last night the dream changed.

The Razorbacks’ song was still in my ears, but their hard sweating bodies were gone.

And I dreamed….I dreamed…

(4)

Sound of chimes.

I dream.

I am standing–naked–on a giant silver ball.

The giant silver ball is floating on a discharge of hot air. I lean over slightly so that I can gaze down, past my -naked- belly into the space between my feet. I gaze down into how the flesh of my thighs protects my center and how my belly rounds out the picture. Perfect curvature of my fleshy self. Grounded not a profile. An expanse of -naked- truth reflected on the silver sphere beneath my feet.

Gradually, my fleshy reflection flattens into a sepia circus yard. It's June [July, August, September - based on month of performance] 1934. And amid the budding tents, cages, and wagons I see the Fat Lady. The humongous, gi-normous Fat Lady.

And the Fat Lady is running across the sepia circus yard.

Running?

She’s Running?

She is RUNNING!

(PAUSE to watch, and, then, to the audience: )

She moves fast for a big lady.

(PAUSE - then she starts to sing again)

Snuck on board in the belly of that ship

Were the fat, the ugly, and the disfigured

The magical, the mythical, and misunderstood

All because of a single love

(6)

As she sings the woman slips behind the tent curtain. starts to accompany her voice; once she disappears, the music morphs from mythical folkish into a crescendo-ing rendition of the mythical circus song. Song stops abruptly. A second of silence.

The Fat Lady bursts into the room through the canvas flap (same actor new character). She is frantic. Her eyes open wide, then in a final attempt to make herself invisible, she huddles her bulk into herself, and squeezes her eyes shut.

A recorded voice, kind, slightly reverberating, comes from behind the flap.

MAN: (coaxing) Darlin’? You li’l cock tease! Com’on my darlin’ woman…? Y’know Lenny sent me. Darlin’?

FAT LADY:

Not tonight! It ain’t proper no more.

Don’t care what Lenny said!

It ain’t proper now.

Don’t care if you are looking oh so kind tonight. Just like you know I like ya best with straight teeth and them soft whiskers all around a smilin’ mouth…

Just because you wore them eyes tonight…

Them eyes…

the kind ones…

Dear Lord on a Toothpick do I ever love those eyes.

Funny. Last time you wore them in brown but tonight they are the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen. Can’t believe I didn’t tell you how nicely them kind eyes suit, last time you wore ‘em. I’d kick myself - if I could bend that way. Figure me not saying anything that night is the reason that you never wore them again. But we were having such a grand time…you actually wanted to chat, and your arms - so strong - covered with that beautiful curly hair - those arms felt so much gentler than the arms you sometimes wear - I didn’t even care that your right hand didn’t work that night. After all- everything else worked just hunky-o-dory… (lighter than later) -push, push, push- Remember I tried to tell ya how great you had been the next night but your kind eyes were gone. And, instead of bein’ brown they were all yella and bloodshot… and when I started talkin’ you shut me up with a good smack in the mouth. Lenny was so mad remember? And Celia had to hold that raw steak to my jaw all night.

(7)

Remember, I told you about Celia? Celia, my best friend? (Fondly) You hardly ever remember anything do ya? She’s the “Hottentot” of the show but when we’re “off” you hardly notice she’s a darkie at all! She really is the most ‘refined” person I’ve ever met in Show Biz. Sticks out her pinkie when she drinks her tea out of the tin mugs. Always wipes the jelly off the sides of her mouth and I have never heard her curse or belch. Like I said…VERY refined. At least as long as she’s not in front of Lenny. He don’t like her “fancy manners” says she’s “playing white”. Then he cuffs her and says that she just proved that she’s the ape that folks see - cuz that’s all she can do - ape white folks. Celia always cries when Lenny says that.

But I take her in my arms and I rock her and rock her. Her snake hair, rows and rows of tight braids, tickles my chin when I tilt my head to kiss her.

Her body is soft and padded like mine - her belly presses against my thighs. Her belly balloons - round and tight- like there’s a baby in her - NEVER coming out.

Sometimes, sometimes when I’m holding her, when her snot, tears and hot breath make wet spots on the front of my pinny.

She holds where Celia’s head would be and suddenly it is as if she is really holding Celia.

…I imagine that there really is a baby in your gut…and that the baby is ours, Celia. A pretty little girl - white and black like a milk cow - round and beautiful like us. She has curly, long blond hair. I pretend there is a pink bow in her hair even though she is still INSIDE. I think about how she will slither out from between your thighs -Push, Push, Push - I can feel the push. But yes…yes…she slithers out in a gush…right into my arms. The little piggy girl roots around then

is greedily sucking the sticky milk from my tit. I am feeding our wonderful little girl… (she remembers where she is and who she is really talking to) Hey are you listening? This is my favorite part. She jumps from my arms, all round and in a little blue dress, with little pink chubby legs sticking out from under her skirt, and she does a little bit of soft shoe. Just like mamma. So perfect my little girl and Celia and I love her like we love each other.

(Panicked look) Oh no! I don’t mean that I love Celia like that! (She spits.) No! no! no! You know you’re my man! Listen to me blabbering on like this … (Makes a move to go out) you look so nice tonight oh! Those eyes… whatever am I doing over here when I should be….

Wait! No I can’t. Not tonight. Gotta think of my EVERAFTER.

(8)

See… I’m going to marry Kite. Kite the skeleton man? Lenny said. Told me this morning! (Sing song) Skin and bones. Skin and Bones. Skin and Skinny Skinny bones… Lenny says we gonna get married next month. Next month. Once the press men stop fawnin’ over Jocko’s ‘mazing Side Show Spectacular’s bizness weddin’. Lenny hates Jocko cus he always spits on him and calls him half a man.

Pah! All excited ‘bout that mangy snake lady and that picture show gettin’ hitched. As if a couple dozen snakes or tattoos make you a legit act. Lenny’s sure that the press’ll go boffo once they find out that me an’ his ‘skeleton man’ are tyin’ the knot - after all Kite sure can sing and I sure can dance!

(Sing song) Jack Sprat… (she hums the rest and does a little bit more dancing)

Plus…! (in a tone implying a secret) An’ here’s the good part–: Kite and I are in love! That’s what Lenny says. That’s what Lenny’s tellin’ the press. That’s why we’re getting married. We're IN LOVE! (She hugs herself with delight. Then her face falls.) ‘Course Kite’s wife ain’t too pleased. (Beat.) And (very low) Celia cried when I told her.

(9)

So you see, that’s why I ran away from you tonight. See, married ladies get the world at their feet…so I gotta do this right. I can’t see you this week or next week or the week after. From now on I’m a virgin. (Panicked look) But don’t you worry! You’re still my man! And as soon as I’m married I can see you again.

Just don’t tell Lenny I ran away, k? I told him I can’t see you no more, but he just laughed. Said: “the show must go on” and looked like he wanted to kick me.

Funny look for a man with no legs. Said I’m an ‘artiste’, so he don’t want no complaints from the customers. But I’ve thought about it and even ‘artistes’ should be virgins when they marry. So screw Lenny and his “show must go on!”

I’ve taken a bath and like it or not I ain’t gonna see you no more… You understand right? Right?

You mad? You’re real quiet.

Don’t be mad. “the show must go on.”

(10)

That’s what Lenny always says: “we’re in the biz, and the show must go on.”

Lenny may have no legs but his cock sure works. 50% hands, 50 % heads. Just what you need for the show biz and the love biz a.ha.ha. That’s what Lenny says.

What Lenny says must be true too, cuz does he ever got a lot of bucks and a lot of broads!

He’s the only other man to have poked me, you know? Just you and him. That’s it.

(Suddenly nervous)

He only done it once though - when Dalia had the stomach flu.

(11)

I once saw him and Lily going at it. O! You shoulda seen it! She’s lying on the table, legs over the edge, her sister Dalia -you know, her Siamese twin? -well, Dalia's lying stiff as a board beside Lily, stayin’ as far away as the join between them’ll let her. And Lenny’s holdin’ himself up by his hands, pumpin’ like an oil well. His face is red and his breath is HARSH and -push, push, PUSH- then he falls on her. Lily scoops him up so he don’t slip down ‘tween her thighs onto the floor. Lily says that when she grabs him like that it’s like the baby’s come early - cus he’s just about the right size.

Good story, huh? Up your alley? Not mad anymore?

Still not talking, huh? I don’t want you to be mad. You smiled when you caught me lookin' at you tonight. Smiled like you'd been waiting for me. You ambled over – kissin' me with your eyes – and asked if you could sit with me a while… I… I told you ya had to ask Lenny… an' when you got back…

…you looked so sad when I ran away tonight…dinna expect that…you looked just like Kite did when his baby died last year…

(12)

Dalia don’t want no baby - thinks the whole thing is sick. Says she’s already attached to enough bodies without another one swimming inside her or Lily. So Dalia won’t have nothin’ to do with Lenny an’ Lily. She just lies there beside them, rocking with their movements -eyes squeezed shut - she told me once that she always imagines herself on a boat - rocking on the great blue ocean - wind and sea - seagulls and salt - an organ grinder standing on a spit of sand jutting up from the jetty, grinding a tune that you’ve never heard - so magical and mystical that the Unicorns and Mermaids and Centaurs come out and dance.

Dalia loves Centaurs. Says that they’re half people half animal just like her an’ Lily.

She always talkin’ bout that man - the really wrinkly one with chin like a chicken? The guy who travels with Jocko’s show? Ha! Don’t we always have such laughs when Lenny’s and Jocko’s shows are both in town. You always dress up like Jocko’s strong man - what a scream! Or every once in a while you come lookin’ like Jocko’s kid - all scrawny and monkey like - but with the best jokes.

You never come lookin’ like Dalia’s wrinkly old man though. Don’t know what makes you choose what…you certainly have come lookin’ meaner them him!

Even though I tell ya it ain’t my favorite way… no you’ve done worse then him..

After all, the wrinkly man's always real smart. But he stinks: never changes his clothes but says it’s worth it cuz his whole trunk can be filled with books.

He gave Dalia one of his books 'cuz she loves centaurs so much. See, Dalia an’ Lily were sitting with that old man one day and Dalia told him all about how she dreams of meeting a half-man half-horse. Lily snorted and Dalia tossed her head and said: “that horse snort just proved my point”. The old man laughed and that’s when he gave Dalia one of his books.

(13)

I only know cuz I found it the morning I woke up in Dalia an’ Lily’s bed!

It was after the night where Lenny gave me two big bottles of gin to myself and all those gentlemen sat around yelling and groaning and passing money around each time I filled up my mug. Remember it was the night you didn’t come - ‘less you dressed up like I’ve never seen you before and hid amongst the men, doing that watchin' thing you say you sometimes like to do. Well, I fell asleep and Lenny wanted to use the stage, so he got five Razorbacks to carry me to bed, but they wuz lazy so they only got me as far as Lily and Dalia’s bed.

When I woke up I found the book in the sheets.

(14)

Moment of savoring the memory then switches to complete fear.

I can’t tell you this…. (To herself) I still hopin’ Ma and the Man Upstairs don’t never find out… but maybe if I tell ya…!

(Whispers) Look I gotta secret I can share - so you really believe me that you’re my man! Will that put you in your good mood - let you keep your kind eyes?

See, when I was little, Ma taught me how to …read. She wanted me to read the holy book see… an' I wuz real good too. I could read anything an’ everything we could find…I could even read things she couldn’t! Then, just a week after I turned eleven, the man with the pork pie hat came to our house. Ma took him into the parlour, an' when she came out she was all pink and twirly. She sat me down on the biggest wooden chair in the kitchen an' her eyes got real hard and then she started saying what a lucky girl I was. Saying that the man had heard of my…dancin’ and that I got to go with him so I could dance every day for people.

But then she said that I had to make a big promise or I couldn’t go…and if I didn't go she’d hate me. She said I had to promise that I'd never ever read again! She said I could never ever read again! An' that I was to look away fast if I ever saw writin’ anywhere! She said that if I ever read another word or let anyone know I used to read she’d wollop me with Pa’s belt. An’ if she wasn’t there, the man in the pork pie hat would wollop me. An' if he wasn’t there, the Man Upstairs would make sure I was punished real good.

So, I promised… went with the man in the pork pie hat…and since then I haven’t read a word….

…until I found that book in Dalia’s and Lily’s sheets. At first I was scared…but then I thought…

“Well, Dalia and Lily ain't here, an’ there ain’t even an upstairs in this tent, so how could there be a Man Up There?”, so I figured it was safe enough to…to…read…READ Dalia’s biggest treasure. Story after story of Centaurs and Unicorns and Gorgons…

(15)

She mimes opening a book and gets lost in it.

Sound of Chimes. Sound of Ocean Rollers come in low. She begins to speak very quietly. Sanely.

Once there was a very small island in the middle of a very warm sea. This island was ruled by a young King who was very proud of his people. He was so proud that he would never let a man or a woman who was not born on the island marry any of his subjects. This made the people very proud; so they held all the weddings of the year on a special day in the summer. It was the most beautiful celebration you have ever seen - such a feast - everyone danced and sang - so beautiful with chains of flowers looped around their necks. Soon, they believed that they had the most beautiful weddings - even lovelier than those of the gods.

The gods did not agree and, in particular, Aphrodite became very angry and cursed the island people. Their children began to be born weak and stupid and sick. The king was now a very old man - and he wept to see his people suffering.

He climbed to the top of the cliffs which looked out over the sea and cried out to the goddess “what can I do to save the children of my people? I will do anything.” Aphrodite saw kindness in his eyes and honesty in his heart and took pity on him. ”Build a harbour. Ships will dock in your port each summer carrying my sailors. Welcome them to your shores. And each year before the wedding day send all the maidens about to be married down to the shore to feast, and dance, and lie with my sailors in honour of me.

The next day, wash the brides in the sea and I will give them back their virginity. If you do this, all your people’s children will be blessed - especially those who are born nine months after the maiden's wedding day.” The king was filled with joy. “I will build you a harbour - I will welcome your sailors - and each year I will send our maidens down to the shore.” And the King did as he said he would, and the maidens swelled and laboured and brought forth the loveliest, the most perfect, children in the world…….

(16)

Sound of ocean rollers up, the down and fade. Chimes sound.

The Fat Lady starts out of her storytelling stillness, and closes the book.

Dalia hit me when she caught me with her book. Thought she’d go off looking for a belt next… But then she realized that I wuz READING it and she got all nice! She patted my hand and begged me to whisper her the stories. Whisper to her, so that “her beast” -y’know Lily- wouldn't hear. So I did. I whispered her the whole story about the Centaur.

(17)

I forgot how much a body can love a story…I never shared a story with nobody but Ma before… An' want to know somethin’? I can’t stop thinkin’ ‘bout how nice it would be to share a story with you… Ever since I saw you tonight - doesn’t happen often that I see you first does it? You were just sitting there talkin’ to the childrens - and even though you looked like I’ve never seen, I knew it was you - whittlin’ an’ whistlin’- …yeah I just wanta share a story with you… does that make me bad? (Whisper) maybe Ma was lyin’ 'bout the Man Upstairs?

After all, I’m still dancin’ and nothin bad’s happened to Dalia. She’s still talkin’ bout her centaur and how we’ve only heard of one centaur trawlin’ the circuits.

We’re hoping our shows cross paths soon, so that - as Dalia says- Lily can screw her eyes up tight and think of the ocean. (Laughs with a snort of disbelief.) My job is gonna be to sit on Lily - cuz Dalia swears that her beast ain’t gonna touch her man. An' now, whenever Lily's bragging that she always gets the men - cus she’s the be-u-ti-ful one, Dalia just winks at me and points 'tween the legs of one of the show’s ponies. (Giggles)

Sometimes we sure have fun when you wear your big one, huh?

Though sometimes I sure like your clever little one too…

(18)

She giggles madly then stops abruptly -

the next part starts with a trance like tone.

You still there? You still there behind the door? There’s one more thing I gotta tell you. Something real strange happened tonight. (Beat) George was sober. No kidding! That's the third time he's been sober this week. It’s hard to watch cuz he starts to shake and scratches at the skin around his mouth. Like he’s really really the Rabbit Boy. It’s funny, he’s always liquored up during the show - lookin’ so un-rabbit-like - just a small man with split lip and a furry face. His day to day plastered to him like wet fur - wife, kids, laundry, dinner, too long train rides from town to town…y’know the biz. It’s when he’s sober that people would love to see him.

Then, his eyes start to roll around in his head - like he’s terrified and he talks - yeah I know! George talking?!? But it’s like his tongue gets unhinged when it gets dry and just claques on and on. Blasphemy falls from his lips and his big ears seem to grow before MY eyes with every role of HIS. And he just talks and talks…

(19)

Weird things, ‘perposterous’ things. Like…like…

He says there ain’t nothing special ‘bout Celia. That she ain't no freak and that Lenny don’t have no business showing her off. (Low) An' that there ain't nothing wrong with her lovin' me…

He says that Lenny thought of Lily when he poked me. An' that Dalia ain’t ever going to meet no centaur. Cuz there ain’t no such thing…

An' he says that the Biz is a crime.

He says that some day a flickerin’ black box will be built and it will be more of a crime. Some box thing that will make the rubes shun the carnivals, ten-in-ones, and dime museums, the bear baiting and cock fights, the trained tigers and punk shows with their pickled babies. Some box thing that’ll make knives that oughta be thrown and swallowed and juggled - make knives cut into women’s flesh…an' make men into careless killers or foolish fathers…

Some Box thing that reflects the world like the mirrors in Monty’s tent. That’ll take away our show - and I won’t get to dance no more..

He says that the folks don’t care about my soft shoe.

He says that I don’t love Kite! He says that you don’t love me!

He says that THERE IS NO YOU!

(20)

In a frightened voice.

NO YOU? Perposterous! SURE there’s you. You’ve come almost every night for the last two years. Come to the second show. Saving me from havin’ to be with a different man every night. (Shivers) Saving me from all those different men. I did not imagine that. I did not imagine it. You may not have always been in the happiest mood, but you always came…came to me…came to me after what must have been hours of dressin’ up in Clown Alley….getting ready for our night.

Puttin' grease paint to change your face, changin' your wig, choosin' your arms, your legs, your chest, your cock. Changing the colour and the mood of your eyes. Green, yella, brown, blue. Mean, lusty, dazed…kind. Every night. Just for me. All for me.

Doing such a good job that you’ve fooled everyone else into believing that you’re actually a different person every night.

Nervous laughter dies to fear.

(Shyly.) Y’know, sometimes I’ve wanted to ask you to leave off your disguise, show me the real you. But…but I haven’t. ‘Been nervous…cus you’re always so touchy when I bring up the night before. What are you trying to hide? What are you trying to forget? Don’t you know that I will love ya no matter how you look.

That I love you. (Moment) Love you? Love YOU.

Maybe it’s those kind eyes tonight. And your listening…that make me want to kiss and kiss you, take away the sadness pooled in those eyes. Tonight I want to see who you really are. Tonight. Right now…I’m…I’m…I’m asking you to show me yourself. Tellin' you, you can stay as you are forever. We’ll meet my friends. And we can go and do whatever, wherever you want. Together. K? I won’t marry that skeleton man - I’ll stay with MY ‘sailor’ - and every single night we can find the beach and honour Aphrodite. An' if Lenny don’t like it we’ll run –no! - we'll SAIL away.

(21)

She straightens her dress.

I’m coming out now. No more running away from you. Are you ready? We’ll

be perfect together. Our babies will be the loveliest in the world.

We’ll be happy ever after.

Forever and a day.

‘Till time stops and the ship docks and the tent is put away.

She stands and waits by the canvas flap. Breath is held.

Will she be saved? Will she save him?

She unties the flap. She peeks through.

Sees her love. Relaxes and smiles.

Music comes up. It is the kindest (but still rough) male voice you’ve ever heard, singing a verse of the Razorback’s song.

Man: (SINGING)

Snuck on board in the belly of the ship

Were the fat, the ugly, and the disfigured

The magical, the mythical, and misunderstood

All because of a single love

She turns back to the audience, does a little soft shoe, then when the song is ended, bows, turns and exits through the flap.

In the darkness of the circus ship

The Stowaway loved her Razorback man.

Aphrodite smiled, as a new life began

Ensuring their Everafter.

Sound of a train whistle fading.

Sound of ocean rollers on the beach.

#my art #my theatre #sideshow #from almost 20 years ago #aphrodite's turn

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