#this body isnt working for me
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Hurghhhhh
#im feeling all kinds of a mess but i always do when i spend time eith my nan i feel mean for it#but she just scares me so much sometimes with how much i see myself in her and it makes it difficult#ive been disassociating a lot recently and seeing her doesn't help at all but i know it was the right thing to do#crouch speaks#i feel like im wearing a different body like i am possessing something it feels too foreign#i look in the mirror and i can't tell if i see a sad little man or some horrible creature or if those two things are never the same#i feel guilty already but i think im gonna spend too much time tomorrow being clingy to el i need human touch to feel human#blerghhhhh im kind of glad im not at northern unfest rn bc i think thst would make this worse#i want plunge my fingers into my chest my stomach my throat tear grab onto my body within loosen this chain around me be free#my ribs hurt even when im not wearing my binder now#this body isnt working for me#may be i should see if i can add hsir dye to my budget at all that might help
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with that said there are characters that a fat maybe not canonically but they are spiritually. to me. they may not be drawn that way but i know whats true. ive seen it like a sort of prophet
#serizawa. send post#he did NOT live his life as a shut in for almost a whole decade to be drawn SKINNY! not by me at least#also like so many characters over the age of 30. no more fit moms and dads GIVE them that divorce body fat NOW!#*strikes you down with the force of god*#but honestly alternative for serizawa that ive always liked is that he gains weight when he starts working for reigen#because he can now go out and eat new foods :D he has actually gained an appetite because he's moving around more#and isnt just eating like instant ramen or whatever his mom brings him#see how easy it is you can just believe it with your heart. you just have to find the ways to make true waht u know#scratchpost#txt
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90 minute leyendecker study b4 bed. heard cleo has a cat cafe this season :swoons:
#thellos art corner#zombiecleo fanart#hermitcraft#hermitblr#mcyt fanart#mcyt#ok time for a peek inside my skull: i really contemplated not posting this. not for any reasons of disliking it#im pretty conscious about how fat people are characterized/portrayed around food in media. both in fan works and canonized material#(flashbacks to hunk from voltron) i really think about ways to defy the way fat bodies are portrayed in my works. while also staying normal#i think at the end of the day i really see food as a love language. and serving people i love (even if its just coffee) brings me joy#even if theres a one-dimensional box that fat characters get put into regarding food. it makes me happy! so i'll try to do it with grace#i think representation isnt always this mentally twisting lol. but its definitely something i think about.#i hope i can positively project my feelings about food and love onto a plus size body (as a chubby girl :handheart:) and showcase that love#ok yeah yeah its 11pm. time to put meemaw in bed. if you read all this ur rad <3 also i stopped watching HC peeposad
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to preface this post i am anti-advertising i think we should explode the entire industry but it's sooo funny when you people make posts like "and they don't even work!!" like. sorry to be the bearer of bad news but yes they do. that's why we have to put up with so many despite everyone hating them and thinking its annoying. because they actually work really well and make a shit load of money
#it actually would be way better if they didnt work and made no money bc businesses would abandon them#this isnt like stocks where everythings abstract and is essentially gambling (i dont understand stocks)#like ppl in the ad industry create things. that make a tangible and quantifiable impact on the business#which is then used in further ad planning. it is NOT all smoke and mirrors#like its fake in that the industry is not providing a necessary service the way like. grocery stores are#but its not the level of fake where everything is abstract like theres deliverables#moreover there is an extensive body of academic work specifically on how to make ads more effective#ALSO i think some of u views ads like. as if they have a win condition. which is you buy product#but in current advertising this is pretty rare and comparatively ineffective#which is why you see MANY ads which dont seem to be selling anything in particular. or which have nothing all to do with the product#the 'win' condition for THAT kind of ad is something more like 'viewers remember our name'#like. ex i would say ads for temu have not been effective on me bc i havent bought anything from them#but temu probably thinks they were SUPER effective on me because i talked abt them like 5 different times at work#and i do in fact know exactly what the company does and what they sell#and they were able to capitalize on the reputations of existing companies (wish shein etc) to build their own brand#good idea generator
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does anyone have any lying down setups for drawing/painting/ANYTHING else lol
what I am learning from my imp today is that if I am lying flat I can get my bpm down to 75 but the moment I sit up it goes to 95, and the lowest I can get it while sitting up is 85
I think if I had more activity options while lying down that were not Be On Phone, I would be less bored and therefore do less overexerting myself in order to simply relieve boredom (problem that I have frequently)
#pls dont be like 85 isnt so bad! or whatever the numbers are numbers that show me how hard my heart is working simply to be upright#by not being upright i can be gentler on my heart and body is the point#and conserve energy etc. to avoid crashes#sick
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Me: damn I feel like painting Soap rn
Me an hour later: but what if I completely fuck him up tho
(inspired by this painting by Zack Zdrale)
#call of duty modern warfare 2#cod mw2#cod soap#john soap mactavish#cod fanart#call of duty modern warfare#call of duty#body horror#ok serious note this was originally for like feeling out the vibes of yet another au Im thinking about#it kinda got away from me but I like it#dont ask why he doesnt have a shirt on#'face melting off' isnt an activity you should do with a shirt is my excuse#the patterns on the right side of his face are loosly based on the muscular system#bc I had to reference it for my uni work today and thought 'what if...'#BLOOD||HUNGER#<now that i started posting chapters im going back to tag everything related to the fic
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still not over the fact ive spent the last couple of years becoming so lethargic and depressed it's become nearly impossible to motivate myself to do anything, including eating- despite this i make a point of going outside everyday bc my body struggles with processing certain vitamins
well yesterday i found out my body has not been processing vitamin d for who knows how long, which is causing my lethargy and lack of appetite and depression, and i am starting a treatment that involves being given a 50x the regular amount dose to get my body back in balance
im both excited and feel so vindicated i knew something was going wrong and im so glad to finally get some treatment
here's hoping i can finally become a functioning human being
#after being discharged at 18 from a children's hospital i have struggled to find a doctor familiar with my liver condition to take me on#like as a regular family patient so like shoutout to this practice for taking me in and immediately educating me on how to read my#blood work results#and also catching that nothing is being processed which explains SO MUCHHHHHHH i eat fairly healthy-#i can binge candy sometimes but thats not the problem bc my body isnt processing any of the veggies i eat im basically just ingesting water
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MY BRAINS NOT WORKING AND THE CUTE BOY I WORK WITH KEEPS CORRECTING MY GRAMMAR THIS IS SO AHAIWIAKSDHDGRRRRHRNE
#dhakaksdjs fuckdwkufeisfjsjajsueei#im using a translator and it keeps outputting 您 instead of 你 and he keeps calling it out like bro ur making it awkward#AND IM LIKE SORRY I CANT ACTUALLY WRITE IN THIS LANGUAGE IM REALLY DU M. BB#also he offered to take over the last part bc i was like hi its almost 9pm here and i literally cannot think anymore#like i am certain its a very easy last part my brain is just finished#i feel so bad bc i wanted to push this proj over the line#this company is so intense i am so baby i am so tired#hugging my cat and rubbing my gross face all over his gross body#me in vc trying to figure out how to say: it was broken earlier idk how it was fixed u saw it was broke tho right#but all that came out was: in the past it was….problematic… *20 yr silence*#before he awkwardly went: um its okay i dont think this is necessary also u have lint issues#and i was just like ya….i know 😭#its ambiguous to some of my teammates if i just dont understand them or if im fking dumb#its probably both im ngl#the blank stare i have on my face is first from trying to comprehend what the actual words they are saying mean#and then to comprehend what technical concept they are trying to convey#using like 50% of the information i managed to parse out#also im used to literally spending 30-40% of the working day talking smack#now i try to crack and joke and everyone is like three this isnt the time#three we are all gonna be hear past 9pm working this isnt the time
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Some (scary, Huge) fake peppi sketches i managed to get out recently
Ramblings under the cut heehee
Wanted to emphasize his HUGE and Hulking body. Hes got Similar movesets to the ingame fake peppino, but theyre fundamentally very Peppino-esque; he is strength and speed based just like Peppino instead of being (primarily) unpredictable and speedy.
Thinking of the grab still being one handed but its more like him grabbing Peppinos shirt/body, and immediately chucking him against the wall (similar to peppinos two-armed grab)
The shouldercheck that Peppino does is mimicked with Fake Peppino using his hand as a mace/heavy weighted head weapon.
Runs up the wall on all fours instead of the regular run he does ingame (similar to Peppino using his hands to help with wall climbing)
He is INCREDIBLY loud and shrill during this fight; his voice echoes over itself and its very fast and unintelligible. Hes got very loud and nervous laughter bubbling up alongside the shrill screaming so its just NOT a fun time for Peppino at all.
He is normally very docile, but bc of some hcs I have wrt to him and pizzahead (and the tower overall), he is EXTREMELY stressed out and out of control when Peppino goes through his boss gate. Once he gets his ass handed to him AND he exhausts himself w the chase sequence, Fake Peppino is calmed down enough to think rationally again. And he has decided that Fighting Sucks and he would much rather just keep making pizzas lmao
(yoinking this from discord bc i do Not want to paraphrase lmao)
[I make my peppino SO hulking despite being short so i wanted to convey that same kind of Hugeness but like, if he had the extra height to go along w it
Like peppino throws his weight around so i wanted fake peppino to do the same; hes very fast but also incredibly destructive and brutish]
[Im trying to find the best way to put it but like. In the same way getting angry gets u worked up and ur face gets hot and ur heart starts pumpin, the same thing will happen to fake peppino, only it translates into his body starting to bubble up and boil. Which looks AWFUL and it FEELS awful and it further aggravates him when hes burning up and falling apart
So he will escalate very fast and essentially go blind w rage until he either passes out or gets knocked out]
[I want him to be a somewhat close parallel to peppino; act first think later. Everything makes him emotional and just like peppino, it will build up out of control very fast, and make him blow up in anger before he can think of a better way to handle it]
[ALSO wrt to fake peppino fighting i want the direction to be less ‘oh that is a weird freaking thing’ and more like ‘that a scary huge monster what the fuck IS that’
Like he makes the ground shake in his own pizzeria when hes chasing after peppino like hes throwing his weight around in such a way that makes him feel like the tank from left 4 dead. Big mans. Charges after peppino, misses; and where peppino would just bonk the wall, fake peppino makes a crater in the wall before shaking off the debris]
[hes not really throwing temper tantrums hes like. JUST as emotional and unable to ‘mask’ as peppino is but he does not have the 40+ years that peppino had to at least have the awareness to be ‘im destroying my own home’]
[I feel like. He is just as fast and strong as peppino, the difference being that peppino has Self Restraint, even if its not Alot
And body limitations like breaking limbs n such, but fake peppino does not have that hindrance]
[He and peppino arent like emotionally unstable they are just incredibly volatile when under immense stress. Like most people!! Peppino is just under maximum stress 24/7 and fake peppi is a brand spankin new peppino that finds everything raw and stressful
(From a tagentially related convo)
[hes got a weirdass hobbled together nervous system (since u always see those nervous system diagrams laid out w a floating brain lol)
Its very human like but also inconsistent in some places ie he can feel pain but not All the time. The human body is very VERY complex and theres so many things working together to make shit happen. A nervous system but no bones to help hold it up and send it through the body; its floating in doughy goop ALL the time. His skin isnt Real skin so it doesnt have the same kind of like. Setup to easily receive pain and touch overall. Stretching his body out makes it hard to actually access the nerves so hes often unaware of Pain. But he can Feel things happen. I dunno]
[(responding to the idea of Fake Peppino getting hit with something blunt vs getting impaled or stabbed and grazing his nervous system)
[YES its like literally hitting a raw exposed nerve. The same pain youd get from a fucked up tooth
i think however, if u managed to do that his instinct to protect himself would go haywire and hed literally try to maim you or die trying. He has no built in shock response to extreme pain like a normal human does]
#pizza tower#fake peppino#body horror#arts#no rambly tags bc i have a FLIGHT to catch i am going HOME#but i hope the rambling under the readmore helps :)#i guess i would add that he has only fought aggressive clones up until this point#and its not until AFTER the fight that hes like 'oh i think. i think that was a human. thats the human that that weird pizza showed me.....#so he went absolutely apeshit on what he thought was an unusually smart clone#hey being a big brute usually works on them lol#scares them away from his shop and from scaring potential customers#gotta go right now so um#if theres spelling/grammatical errors. no there isnt.
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(do you love me like that?)
you're a reckless driver
(I'm a reckless driver)
and one day it will kill us if I —
#yellowjacketsedit#yjedit#akilahmari#lyricsongifs#yellowjacketscentral#ok i WANT TO DISCLAIM. im not 100% sold on pitgirl mari im not 100% sold on anything. the show will tell me when its ready!#that SAID im incapable of giffing unless theres tragedy involved and also i think it would be an interesting trajectory for them#akilahmari work imo because while different they are both very vulnerable in the same way#they want to be seen and cared for and they arent in an environment where thats easy#and like. yeah the you tell me all the time to keep my eyes on the road gif IS the gay scenes#but its also akilah being in tune with people and their emotions. ofc she knows taivan love each other ofc she knows lottienat need a momen#and later ofc she knows lottie and nat need a moment!!! that skill serves her as tension escalates#whereas mari cannot read a room + does not filter herself. and akilah often gets the best of that from her!#but also. akilah shoots her a look when she presses javi about the missing bear meat. but also. mari isnt wrong to be concerned#mari is vulnerable and scared !!!AND!!! heavily concerned about survival. so whereas akilah and mari are both scared to hunt javi#mari is the second to run to grab javis body. akilah follows still horrified. mari is better suited to survive in a lot of ways#but also tends to step on toes!!! but also mari is so loyal and so like. attentive? eager? in a way akilah isnt#so mari says more controversial things but ultimately follows status quo in a way akilah is less inclined to#even in terms of skills mari can cook and akilah can sew but eventually what good is stitching people up when they need to eat. you know.#IDK i think theyre soooo interesting and im rly looking forward to their relationship hopefully developing bc i think theyre cute and fun#but i think their dyn could get sooooo interesting. even in terms of letting mari go. like. many connotations#akilah can giggle when the jokes are still funny and they can find each other in any given space. but does that matter if it cant save them#anyway ive run out of tags to tag the chars for my blog and im being really brave about it btw.#also its 2 am and i wanna post and im being even braver about that (not deleting this tag but its not 2 am my time as i post im drafting<3)
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I think one of the things I'm most grateful for of the the locked tomb series is the fact that as a woman my strength is something that I can be proud of.
For context, I identify as a femme(ish) lesbian, but I'm also 5'9, not thin, and am also stronger than 90% of the boys I live with and it is something that is always brought up when new friends are brought around the house.
Ex:
"I don't know if she can lift that"
"Bro she is probably stronger than you are"
And for a really long time while I've always liked the independence that being strong has given me, especially as a woman. I also thought it took away my femininity which again, being tall and on the thicker side, is something I already struggled with.
But now, after reading the locked tomb (and in the middle of rereading it) my strength has become one of my favorite things about myself. And I actually have motivation to start working out so I can get stronger, and have the muscles to prove it. And also that even as a lesbian my idea of femininity was from that very hetero perspective of how a woman should look.
So anyways, ik Thanksgiving has already passed. Tho I don't celebrate it anyways, I'm thankful for that. The locked tomb has changed my self image drastically, and for the better I think.
#the locked tomb#tlt#gideon the ninth#harrow the ninth#gideon nav#the locked tomb brainrot#the locked tomb series#nona the ninth#tlt brainrot#but legit Gideon revolving a lot of her own attention and “personality” around her strength gave me the willpower to do the same.#and while ive kinda got that body type where being thin isnt really a choice i have more motivation to work out build muscle#gideon is definitely what i strive to look like#maybe minus the short hair tho
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i keep making animations with bipper...
help please
#look at me being productive#isnt it cute?#you bet your asses it wont last long though#anyways bipper is a whole skrumblo and i will not hear otherwise#why is bill in dipper's body so fun??#SBSVHAV JUST REALIZED HOW BAD THAT LAST TAG SOUNDS OUT OF CONTEXT#original art#gravity falls#bipper#dipper pines#gf art#bill cipher#ignore the fact that im procrastinating on like 20 projects + school stuff + asks#we dont talk about my work ethic
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home office outfit 🌞
#me#mine#selfie#girls of tumblr#my body#ok to reblog#My tv isn’t working#and I don’t have any good pictures#also I haven’t had the time and energy to take good pics#I would just like to watch 90 day fiancé but my TV ISNT WORKINGGGG#kaarnalaiva
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two wrongs WILL make a right!
ive got another lease on life, and im using it well,
who cares if this is all fucked up cause we're all GOING TO HELL!
IM JUST WILLIAM WHO SHOULD BE DEAD,
HAD TO FOLLOW THE THREAD,
thought he was just chillin! now he is a villain!
HES ALWAYS SUCH A BUMMER,
HE WANTS TO TRUST HIS BROTHER
WILLIAM IN A HALLWAY BY HIMSEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
#jrwi fanart#jrwi show#jrwi prime defenders#jrwi pd spoilers#william wisp#RRAAHHHHGH I KNOW THEIR LIL PARODY OF MICHEAL IN A BATHROOM OR WHATEV WAS SLIGHTLY COMEDIC. LIKE WIWI IN A HALLWAY#HAHAAA HIS NAME IS WIWI ISNT THAT FUNNY. ISNT THAT FUCKIN FUNNY. AND YYYEEEEEEEEEEETTTTT!!!#WILLIAM IS SO FUCKIN SAD DUDE... ESPECIALLY DURING THE GRAYSCALE ARC. HE REALLY THINKS HES BETTER OFF DEAD.#HIS FIRST DEATH WAS AN ACCIDENT! AND THEN HE WAS SADDLED WITH ALL SORTS OF POWERS AND RESPONSIBILITY HE DIDNT FUCKIN WAANT#AND IT TURNS OUT HES STILL DEAD! HIS BODY IS ROTTING AND FALLING APART AS WE SPEAK!! THATS SO FUCKING SCARY!!!#BUT THEN. OOOHH BUT THEN HIS WONDERFUL FRIEND DAKOTA TELLS HIM. ILL GIVE YOU MY HEART SO YOU CAN LIVE AGAIN. AND IT WORKS!!!#WILLIAM ACCEPTS LIFE AND REJECTS THE WISP POWERS AND FEELS SO SO THANKFUL TO HIS WONDERFUL BEST FRIEND DAKOTA.#A DEBT TO REPAY EVEN IF DAKOTA WILL NEVER CASH IN ON IT. HES JUST A PERFECT HERO LIKE THAT.. BUT WILLIAM.. OHH ROTTING LIL WILLIAM..#EVEN WITH NEW BLOOD RUNNING THROUGH HIM HES STILL DEAD INSIDE. HES STILL USELESS. POWERLESS. SELFISH AND IMPULSIVE AND STUPID AND JUST.#NOT A HERO. WHICH IS FINE! IF ONLY HE WAS A GOOD ENOUGH PERSON TO RETURN THE FAVOR TO DAKOTA THOUGH. BUT HES NOT. HE DOESNT THINK SO.#WILIAM REALLY BELIEVES THAT HE IS FORSAKING EVERY GIFT OF LIFE HE HAS BEEN GIVEN. HE THINKS HE SHOULD BE DEAD BUT HES TOO SCARED TO DIE#JUST FAR TOO SCARED.. OF EVERYTHING.... WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT BRINGS US HERE. I GUESS THE GOOD NEWS IS THEYLL FORGET.#HE JUST WANTED TO TRUST HIS BROTHER. HE WANTED TO HAVE A BROTHER AND FIX THE RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM AND HONESTLY?#I THINK I WOULD DO THE SAME THING IN HIS SITUATION. MAYBE USE MY WORDS BETTER BUT YKNOW. THATS HIS BROTHER!!!#OKAy okay william makes me sooo EMOTIONAL but now ill mention the ART#THIS WAS Aboutthe time i actually figured out how to draw the white streak in williams hair. IT PISSED ME OFF SO MUCH ORIGINALLY but imPROU#AND THE SHARP SPIRALS!! I LOVE THE SHARP SPIRALS. I LOVE DRAWING HIS HAIR JUST IN GENERAL... I JUS LOVE DRAWIN WIWI...#OHH And xavior... poor xavior... theyre still looking for cantrip arent they? they have no idea where she is..and DAVID YOU BIIITCH#david bell is such a good fucking antagonist. he COMPLETELY believes himself to be in the right and bizly plays him SO WELLL!!#BECAUSE HES SMART!! AND SMART PEOPLE CAN LOGIC THEIR WAY THROUGH ANYTHING! THATS WHY SMART PPL FALL INTO CULTS TOO!#BC A SMART PERSON CAN FIND A GOOD WAY TO JUSTIFY ALMOST ANYTHING TO THEMSELF. DAVID IS SMART AND THATS SCAARRYYYY...#IM So excited to see the consequences of williams actions carry on into season 3. i hope they contact allen and exavior and do. idk. someth
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beating myself to death with hammers (casually spitballing ideas for HYPOTHETICAL Bad Ends) for NO fucking reason, but be a pressure valve on my own current turbulent emotions, we are all so lucky i prefer happy endings and healing and shit long term, things have the potential to be fucking RUTHLESS otherwise
aauauururrrghghhhh here have a song too get annihilated with me losers i am choosing to channel my inner over-indulgent emo angst lord right now entirely of my own volition for i am immune to irony poisoning
#cosmic horror#i keep crying like a little bitch over this#this really is just me from fucking middle school rn this is so middle school angst glurge writing isnt it#i'm sorry#but it works for what it is doing for me#hurt me good tragisad gays timeline i absolutely do not have the heart to have be what actually happens#i'd burn my OWN house down#oc babble#charlie k#zoetrope#necrin#death cw#blood cw#body horror cw#emeto cw#just in case#wow this is the worst Vore Day ever
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.
denying so hard that there's a disconnect between what im learning within art, and other skills needed but it's undeniable that like. ill draw anatomy studies and faces all day but when i try to Make Something Else, Something Real, it's like all the information leaves me....
i always joke that ill be stuck on the foundations and fundamentals of art forever but it seems like its real because mechanical skill and comprehension of Structure is very much a different thing than. being able to connect a head and body in a streamlined way. good stylization. informed stylization. creativity. knowledge of composition, color and what makes a piece work.
i keep trying to make things and realize i still need more time in the fundamentals. more and more and its never enough....and then i forget em constantly !
#talkys#ill just keep filling pages and pretending its doing anything#as if ill ever draw more than just. floating head. figure standing. floading head. figure standing#i dont understand how people gain knowledge cumulatively#just because I can draw talon's face doesnt mean i wouldnt need another 3 years to master another character enough to draw them well#ive drawn al for over a decade i already need to relearn to draw him#information leaves me and doesnt seem to transfer. every new thing needs 5 years dedicated to learning it to draw it well.#and then the knowledge leaves as soon as i have to switch subjects.#because every single subject is a different and unique challenge#i dont knowwwwww#so sad...i mean people have not gotten what they want for years and years but so sad that this isnt what i was meant to do#that ill never make work that is the work id like to make...! never beautiful illustrations...never fun sequential art...alas. alas#wrong body wrong brain#im glad other ppl enjoy my work and i recognize that but i want to like it too.....!
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