Preface, 3 Years Later

To be clear, I think my original Preface essay still serves its purpose quite well, and it's still recommended reading for understanding the gist of this blog, but I also believe a lot can happen in just a few years!

As of writing this, I've been out of college for 2 years and moved from Utah to Oregon 6 months ago. Many of my relationships and friendships with others have evolved and changed, come and gone.

I've also fully rescinded my self-identity as a member of the mormon church; that wasn't entirely on the table when I first began writing these essays and putting them out there. If you've already read through most of my stuff, that was probably apparent to you. Still, I think it bears repeating, just to make myself clear:

I no longer consider myself mormon, nor will I ever rejoin as a member.

My original stated goal with these essays was to find ways to process my experience and to find some form of reconciliation between these two disparate facets of my identity. Coming out the other end of that struggle, I've decided that trying to balance those two parts will never be worth it to me - to the mormon church, my queer identity will always be too much, no matter how much I compromise and tone myself down, no matter how many parts of myself I cut off to fit their mold.

Instead, I've decided to just be me and let myself exist, letting myself be this weird and messy and imperfect creature, because you know what? Fuck the church! Look at that, I can say 'fuck' now, too! Who cares?!

I'm still writing and thinking about all this though, because really, I don't think this kind of trauma just completely goes away. The journey to healing is a long, never-ending road, but goddammit I'm gonna make the best of it and smell the flowers on the way.

If you're going through something similar, please know that my hand is outstretched, and I hope I can make this path a little less lonely. I promise things are much better on the other side, and that those things the church tells you about leaving aren't even remotely true. It's not always easy, but it's worth it to live for yourself.

how would a blushing and severely flustered Theo would look like? Like let's say he's having a conversation with someone and they threw some well formed saucy flirts at him, or the person he's "tending to" gave him a deep cheek kiss before walking off calling him a cutie.

Well, as you can see, I thought too hard about this. Theo is such a dysfunctional bastard, he really goes from 1 to 100 depending on how badly his thorny boundaries at crossed and I just wanted to explore a bunch of potential reactions here. None of them are probably what you had in mind, though... sorry. I guess he is still "severely flustered" even if he's threatening to rip your tongue out?

Theo's response to basically any social interaction depend on how much he trusts the other party. He's incredibly hostile and defensive towards most, and quick to read even the most innocuous behavior as a subtle threat or insult. When he does have more of a relationship with someone, he's a bit less likely to jump to trying to bite them if they look at him funny, but that doesn't stop him from ruminating and brooding about what that funny look could mean (inevitably concluding it could only mean ruin for them both and he has to intervene in the weirdest way possible to prevent this catastrophe).

The mention of “saucy” flirtations and kissing would really get him tilted no matter what, though - he’s not exactly at ease with that kind of “salacious depravity,” as he would say. Being come on to in such a forward way is less likely to make him all twitterpated as much as it makes him feel humiliated, debased, manipulated or even attacked. Additionally, he is extremely touch-averse, especially on his bare skin (or, I guess, bare pelt), to the point that some touch feels physically painful to him, like a burn or sting. So no kisses, please.

He might not react so negatively to flirting that is more delicate and subtle - though it’d have to be so damn subtle that he doesn’t even register any intimate intent.

spiritually:

Why are teens climbing into bedroom windows?

A video essay I made on the trope of teens climbing into bedroom windows in film and tv! Here’s the hyperlink! While I think there can be positives to the trope, in this video essay, I discuss how the trope can perpetuate some problematic myths about romance and consent.

Hello??????

scott mccall x guts julia armfield

Hi I’m crazy but Everlark is Thiam the end

big fan of post finale thiam codas where liam helps theo dig out the bullets he took for him in the hospital… there is so much symbolism and intimacy to be found there i think.

△ Theo, can you ever forgive Giliys?

ooh, straight for the jugular! I think this one needs 2 ratings cuz Theo is in such severe denial and willfully misinterpreting his emotions right now that he doesn't actually realize how much he doesn't want to think about this. He thinks it's kind of a 6/10 - he definitely wouldn't willingly discuss this with a stranger, but if Qweck asked him this he would try to answer the question (albeit begrudgingly).

It's actually a 10/10. Because the truthful answer to this question is something he is lying to himself about so effectively that he doesn't actually know that's what he's doing. In other words, he's not even willing to broach this topic with himself. So even though he's answering the question honestly in the sense that he is explaining his feelings as he understands them...he doesn't actually understand his feelings well enough to be truthful.

Putting the answer under a cut bc it's about forgiving and/or loving someone who did something terrible and feeling like someone you loved was a lie that never existed. idk how to put that under a concise CW, but I feel like there should be one.

Theo sighs through his nose before answering. "It's not my place to forgive him. Not for everything, at least. He hurt - I don't even know how many people it was. It wouldn't be right to pretend that he hadn't done that. That he's probably still doing it.

"As for what he did to me specifically - I don't...who would I even be forgiving? I don't know who he is. He pretended to be someone else - someone selfless - for decades. I was best friends with someone who doesn't exist. It feels like asking if I could ever forgive a fairytale for not being real."

He stops, and for a moment you think he's done. But then you see the intense concentration in his eyes - there's something more, something he's determined to put into the exact right words. "Sometimes I forget there's anything to forgive," he finally says. "Because it felt real. Its still feels real. But it isn't. He looks like Gilly, even acts like him most of the time. I forget that it isn't really him - that he never existed. Gilly never - he would never do what Giliys did. But I can't - my feelings don't understand, and so I keep feeling like these feelings are towards Giliys when they're actually towards someone who isn't real - because of course they are. Because Giliys is despicable. He's done unforgivable things, and I could never love - " he stops abruptly. "But my feelings don't understand yet. They will. But they don't yet. Maybe I'll be able to think about forgiveness then, when I can see who he really is and not who he pretended to be."

(Someday he will realize this was not the truth. Someday he will realize the truth was "I already have, and I am ashamed.")

the fact that people actually bought theo’s “I was respecting your privacy” excuse is wild to me. did y’all not see the scene where she tried to tell him & he STOPPED HER?? like he knew at that point. he’d read the letter.

I finished today's therapy session and...fucking hell, something jumped out at me that I have never considered before, and it's left me in shambles.

I've often shared a personal anecdote with folks in my life in order to illustrate how mormonism instills its destructive values very early in its members, and I'm going to share it with you all now as well.

When I was around 6 or 7, I had a dress that I loved to wear. It was made of stretchy cotton like a t-shirt, meant to be played in, and it was pink with rainbow flowers that had little smiley faces. Its other notable trait is that it had elastic "spaghetti straps", because this was something you'd wear in the warmer months.

The year I turned 8, my family moved back to Utah. I started 2nd grade there, and one day, I wore the dress to school, unaware of the taboo I was about to commit. I was a child, after all - I didn't know any better.

As soon as the teacher caught sight of me, I got sent to the front office to call my parents for a change of clothes and scolded for breaking school dress code. It was a big hassle, because my mom was a teacher herself at another school, and my dad was attending school an hour away from home. He had to turn around to come deliver the clothes to me.

I felt so ashamed, I never wore that dress again. I didn't even understand why what I'd done was wrong, only that the punishment was so terrifying that I never wanted to go through it again. The only clue I really got in order to avoid such a scenario, was that it was the straps - shoulders have to be covered.

~~~~~

The first thing that I think occurs to people I share this with is that I, as a 7 year old child, got dress-coded for having bare shoulders - in other words, I was sexualized as a child by my community and punished accordingly for it. That's pretty fucked up on its own.

Today, however, a new realization dawned on me. You see, when I've brought this story up again in the years following, my parents have both agreed that they also found the situation to be pretty fucked up. They've always been comparatively more progressive than fellow mormons I grew up around in our insular community, so this has always made sense to me.

They didn't agree with how I was treated...and yet, they allowed it to happen.

I don't recall either of them voicing these opinions to me at the time it happened, or addressing the situation to me afterwards in order to help me, a confused child, understand why I was treated this way. No one stood up to defend me or challenged the unfairness; what I observed was my parents' compliance with the rules, and I, in turn, learned that this was simply how things must be.

I'm torn, because I love my parents. What happened here, though? Was this a moment in which they had to weigh a choice, choosing community and belonging over their child's feelings? Were there just so many other things on their mind at that time, after the big move we made as a family, that they didn't stop to think about it for too long?

Now I'm here at 25, trying to comfort a child who was left behind so long ago, who needed an adult to kindly and gently explain why this unfairness happened to her, and that it wasn't her fault to begin with.

I want to tell her how lovely her flowery rainbow dress is.

i’m rewatching only murders in the building and i am once again reminding everyone that theo dimas is the character of all time and i would kill and die for him.

hey boreos!

I’ve started this new silly project where I write drunken college application essays (based on real questions/prompts from the universities’ websites).

this one’s for Donna Tartt’s alma mater— Bennington College. ✨🍻❄️🪦💀📖

why theo’s actions in season 6 make the most sense if he’s in love with liam: a theo raeken meta

so this is my explanation for why i strongly believe that theo is in love with liam for at least the entirety of 6B, if not longer, and why his character arc makes the most sense if that is the case.

so obviously, throughout season 5, theo did not care about anyone from the mccall pack. he pretended to so that he could manipulate them, but he didn’t genuinely care about any of them. when tara drags him into hell, they all stand by and watch, so they don’t exactly part on great terms. when liam brings theo back in 6A, he’s very clearly been changed by his experiences in the skinwalker prison, and acts very differently than he had previously. he initially reacts with violence, but pretty quickly stops and even lets malia beat him up, showing that he feels some remorse for his actions, or at least feels that he still deserves to be punished for them.

theo’s actions right after he comes back are motivated solely out of a desire to stay alive, they only brought him back because they thought he could help, so he assumes that as soon as he couldn’t help they would just send him back, which is why he makes them break the sword. and after that, he doesn’t want to go back on his word and risk them just killing him anyways, so he helps them. however, this is when his actions begin to go beyond purely self serving.

the reason why he initially sticks with liam is because there’s literally no one else there, so it’s purely for the sake of survival. he even says “i’m on your side as long as it helps me” and straight up says that he would abandon liam to be taken/killed if it meant saving himself. however, he fairly quickly does the exact opposite, even after liam says that he would use theo as bait. theo fights the ghost riders alongside liam, and then makes sure that liam is out of harms way and risks his own life to protect him, “being the bait,” as he tells liam. you could argue that this is because theo thought liam had a better chance at saving the others, but their plan from the start was just to distract the ghost riders, so it would make more sense for it to be him trying to protect liam.

so the question is, why does he care? liam hasn’t demonstrated much of an interest in protecting him aside from saying that theo was his responsibility, even admitting that he wouldn’t protect theo or try to save him, and theo didn’t show much of an interest in protecting anyone else, but theo throws himself in the line of fire pretty quickly to protect liam. he even specifically says “i did all of this to keep you from being taken” when liam tells him about his plan to go into the wild hunt, flat out admitting that his actions were motivated solely by a desire to protect liam. if it was a platonic motivation or some sense of guilt, it would have made much more sense for him to be trying to protect scott or stiles, who he’d more directly hurt in season 5, but instead he’s focused on liam. therefore, it makes more sense for it to be romantically motivated, even if theo doesn’t fully understand his feelings at that point.

in 6B, his feelings become even more evident. logically, there wasn’t really a reason for theo to stay in beacon hills. he had a car, he could have skipped town and gone far away from everyone else, but he didn’t. the question is, why did he stay? you might say that it was because of scott, that he was angling for forgiveness or a pack, but he never really expresses any interest in forgiveness or becoming a part of the pack. and more importantly, he spends at least 80% of his screen time in 6B with liam. from the moment liam brings theo back from hell, theo pretty much attaches himself to liam, and almost every single significant scene theo has in season 6 is with liam. he has more scenes with liam than with any other character, and he seems to have a particular fixation on helping/protecting liam in 6B.

so why is that the case? if he was doing any of this for scott, it would have been much more evident, but he doesn’t seem to care much about getting scott’s forgiveness or becoming part of the pack. he also doesn’t show this level of dedication to any of the other pack members, at least until the end. if theo was doing any of this out of a sense of guilt or to seek forgiveness/redemption, he would have focused on scott or even malia, but likely not liam. therefore, this particular fixation on liam makes the most sense if theo had started developing feelings for liam after liam saved him from the skinwalker prison and broke the sword, and fell in love with him sometime before/during 6B. theo is a self-admitted survivalist, and him constantly risking his life and safety just to protect liam makes significantly more sense if there were romantic feelings involved.

Not to harp on what should be mundane cinematography but do you ever look and think about that scene in 6x15 where Mason reunited with the Pack at the animal clinic, and Corey says “We’re gonna fight back?” Then Scott responds “What else do you think?” And the camera pans to Liam, then Theo??

The implications?? This is the puppy pack in the beginnings of the finale reunited; Mason, Corey, Liam, Theo. It’s such a cool, pivotal moment because this is after Corey says to Mason “Let me protect you”, this is after Mason has risked his life time and time again to help them. Now through the camera panning we see who’s going to help Mason: his boyfriend, his childhood lifelong bestie and the Yin to Mason’s yang. Absolutely besotted.

Goldfinch status update: Theo just got back to NYC.

I feel like Popper is definitely a metaphor and I’m trying to figure out the details. Something about Theo taking care of him on the bus but also wishing he was a tougher looking dog. Like maybe it’s a metaphor for Theo himself?

Do you have (non spoilery) thoughts on this?

Don't get me started on the dog metaphor. May I remind you what Theo's mom called him? PUPPY!!! Theo is the dog, the dog is Theo. There's something later on that ties Theo to a dog even more. I should google symbolism of dogs... all I can think of is loyalty.

As for Theo calling Popper gay.... Popper wasn't the one admitting he's in love with his best friend in the last chapter.