personal experience

SO TIRED

Autistic flavored rant/vent incoming, I'll stick it under a cut just in case

I hate how important inflection is for neurotypicals.

I like inflection; I like the way different words can sound on my tongue, I like how the more you add the easier it is to understand someone's intent.

But when I start getting overwhelmed, and I'm fighting a shutdown, my voice flattens. I sound bored, sarcastic, or snippy, and I just know they think I'm being rude if I don't explain.

So I try to explain, but it sounds so wrong. There have been so many times when I've tried to say something to my parents and it came out horribly because I simply couldn't afford to put more energy into it so it could sound nicer.

Because I'm not nice when I'm overwhelmed. I want to go home, now, because if I don't I will shut down and that will ruin everything for everybody. It is the one time when I feel justified in snapping just a little because that's the only way to get people to realize how serious it is.

Corporate wants you to find the difference

At the moment I’m actually kinda jealous of the other autistic people who can have violent meltdowns instead of sitting like a frog in the slowly simmering pot of their own overwhelm, unable to do anything but turn statuesque and desperately hope someone takes pity, knowing full well that screaming and hitting and ripping their hair out is what they want to do but can’t.

speech loss is weird I’ve just decided

y’all. i fucking cannot. what is wrong with the world. can we just please. stop.

not sure if today is gonna be an autism (sexy, knowledgeable, full of special interest energy) or an autism (messy, crying, burnt out and melting down over the littlest things) kind of day folks

I don't want to get off my phone I don't want to stay on my phone I don't want to pump gas I don't want to do deliveries I don't want to get ready for bed I don't want to write anything of substance I don't want to create I don't want to not create I don't want to be here I don't want to go anywhere I don't want to move I don't want to stay still my brain and body seem to simply want to sit here and Yearn

I'm gonna reiterate what I said in the recent ask:

me not participating for the last week/days of ArtFight is due to mental health reasons (why I say im not in the best headspace to be in a receptive, giving-receiving energy)

ive mentioned this bit on my sideblog too, but if im gonna draw art for other's i feel more comfortable doing so when im in a more positive, confident mindset. ive been feeling like shit for the past few days lowkey and i refuse to draw revenges/attacks for others while im in this shitty energy LMAO!!!!

again, as i said in the ask response: all of my characters are attackable again. with the way i feel now, if im being honest I'd keep them all hidden, but i never assumed ppl were still wanting to draw attacks for me and i don't want to have their efforts go to waste since they solely intended to draw specifically for ArtFight.

Having mostly learned about meltdowns from the stereotype of "violent teen who needs to be restrained some way" and that pretty much fitting my presentation of meltdowns you can imagine my shock when i read others descriptions like wdym you dont throw everything in your hands, drop down and roll around on the ground flailing your limbs and occasionally hitting yourself and kicking whatever is close to you. Wdym you just cry and rock. Wdym????

jokes about spock giving mccoy autism in the search for spock top tier but lots of interesting potential in mccoy already being autistic and spock just giving him Additional, wildly conflicting autism

any and all neurodivergents in the club that experience speech loss episodes pls tell me what it's like for you

Another Mayoi because that's what I do when I have no idea what else to draw apparently

god i don’t wanna be here i don’t wanna exist

finally realised what it is about that oversharing drive-thru customer and scared mcdonald’s employee image I dislike being added to people’s posts, aside from it feeling kinda condescending. it’s that the venting customer is specifically designed after the anonymous icon. it’s supposed to be about anons coming into somebody’s space and oversharing their thoughts in their inbox, because that’s a very personal and direct way to tell a stranger something that could be considered inappropriate. when you go out of your way to respond with this image on somebody voicing their thoughts on a post, you’re in the place of the customer.

starting to realize that by being a booksmart snobby homebody kid, i never really got to experience anything and now i feel like i missed out on some Important Experiences that i should've had in my formative youth that i now read in fiction and go "damn, wish i could've done that/had that much fun doing that as a kid"

only recently have i had the experience again of playing video games with my friends (different friends, we're all adults) and having a nice time and realizing,

"oh. maybe i shouldn't have been wishing i was dead in school because i hated myself but no one noticed cause i never showed any outward signs of being suicidal/hating myself other than the usual teenage angst thing"

y'know?

maybe if i'd been able to get help and get my head out of my ass sooner, maybe i wouldn't be so fucked up today. maybe i would've realized there was a problem that went beyond the assumption that everyone hated being the gender that society assumed they were and that maybe, just maybe, being that anxious all the time was a sign that something was really wrong and it wasn't gonna just Go Away if i ignored it hard enough

but denial is easier i say, pretending to avoid that i probably have ocd and really don't want that to be the case because it sucks that i might have it and i don't wanna deal with it! i just want it to go away

not gonna lie. i also denied i had autism for a while because it really wasn't what i thought it was and this feels like a very similar denial ("I Have The Symptoms But It Couldn't Possibly Be That Thing That's Big And Unknown And Fundamentally Changes The Way You See Your Life")

and i don't really have. a regular job, or a car, or a driver's license, or executive function most days (see spoon theory & executive dysfunction). i don't really have anything physically wrong with me, other than my anxiety giving me stomach issues. i've checked so many times in my life if something was severely wrong with me physically because i've had so many intrusive thoughts about possibly being sick/getting sick/etc.

and i'm also american so. fuck me i guess (almost no cities are walkable and i live somewhere where it's fucking freezing eight months of the year and i have to pay a shit ton of money for healthcare, except no wait! i have to rely on toxic family because i have no money or job or future!!)