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sourholland · 3 years

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Ooooh angst “what about us?” “there is no us, there never was.” with tom plssss! Really love ur work 🌸

Last Kiss || Tom Holland

Summary → After a fling you and Tom had started while filming a movie together, he tells you that you two can’t be together anymore. Once you get home, Tom let’s you know that he made a mistake.

AN → This was supposed to come out yesterday, I just got lazy and waited to edit it. I can’t tell if I like how this came out or hate it, either way, I hope you guys like this. Also in honor of the Fearless re-record!!

Pairing(s) → Tom Holland x Fem!Reader

Warnings → Strong Language, Suggestive, Alcohol Use

Prompt(s) → 38

Word Count → 1.9k

The ringing of your phone sounded through your apartment loudly, the sound of the rain pattering loudly against the windows out-looking New York City. You set down the remote, feet padding against the cold hardwood while you looked for your buzzing cellphone.

You didn’t bother glancing at the caller ID, picking it up bringing it to your ear all in one quick motion.

“Hello?” You said, pulling a wine glass down from the cabinet.

“Y/N?” Tom’s voice came through the phone.

Your heart dropped, a breath catching in your throat while you stood in your kitchen. He was across the country, wanting nothing to do with you. He repeated your name through the phone, asking if you were there.

“Yeah, I’m here,” you answered, pouring more wine than you’d originally intended into the glass.

“Isn’t it like one in the morning in England?” You asked, listening to the muffles coming through the speaker.

“Yeah—yeah, it’s late here. I just couldn’t sleep, and I started to think of you. Sorry, I probably shouldn’t have called.”

You sat at one of the barstools, swirling the red contents of the glass around. You wanted to yell at him, or maybe you wanted to tell him how much you loved him. You sat silently for a few moments, bare legs cold from the draft.

“Tom,” you started. “I just don’t get why we have to rehash the past, you know? I came back to New York, just like you told me I should. You’re working on whatever new movie, I’m doing the same. I don’t know—I just think we should leave whatever happened between us alone. You made it very clear that it was me that you didn’t want,” you mumbled, pulling at the sleeves of your sweater.

He audibly sighed, the ruffling of sheets coming through the phone. He was probably in bed, if he wasn’t so far away you’d have asked him if this was a sad attempt at getting you to sleep with him.

“I was fucking stupid, and I’m sorry, Y/N. I’m so fucking sorry, I’ve said that a million times,” his voice was hoarse and tired.

“I’ve already forgiven you, Tom. I just can’t keep doing this—this thing with you.”

You both went quiet for a minute, the only sound being the noise from outside in the bustling streets of the city and the rain. You knew you should hang up, block his number and forget about anything you two ever had. You’d tried a few times, unable to bring yourself to doing it.

“What about us?” He asked lowly, a twinge of hurt in his tired voice.

“There is no us, Tom,” you replied. “I’m not even sure there ever was.”

He didn’t say anything, you wanted to let out the repressed cry and tell him you didn’t mean it. That you were sorry and that you thought about him more than you’d like to admit. Something in you knew if you didn’t do your best to cut it off, you two would continue down the same everlasting cycle.

“Okay,” he said.

“Okay.”

The line went silent for a moment, and then your home screen lit up. The call had been ended. You downed the remainder of your wine, ditching the cup and just going for the bottle. You thought about calling him back, about apologizing and booking a plane ticket like some lovesick teenager.

You opened Instagram and began scrolling through your feed of posts, liking and commenting occasionally. You weren’t anywhere near drunk, merely tipsy and heartbroken. Your finger lingered on the button to go live, wondering if you really wanted thousands of people to see you in this state.

You left the kitchen and instead propped your phone against the couch, taking a seat on the white rug of your living room. You wearily pressed the go live button, raising the bottle to your chapped lips once more. You are pathetic, you thought.

“Hey guys!” You smiled at the camera and outpouring of greetings in the comments. Within a few minutes you’d racked in a few thousand viewers. You grabbed the guitar sitting against your wall and strummed the cords lightly while it sat in your lap.

userone: you are so adorable

usertwo: can you please say hi?!!!??

userthree: it’s my birthday y/n!

“I’m sorry I haven’t been very active on social media, guys. It’s been super crazy traveling back and forth from London to New York and then having to leave again in a few weeks. And now I’m sitting on my living room floor with a bottle of wine,” you laughed. A few familiar people popped into the comments of the live, some you’ve worked with and some you’ve yet to meet in person.

florencepugh: y/n!!!

gracieabrams: might just bust out the wine just for u

“Florence, I can’t wait to see you soon!” You smiled, “Gracie, I swear it’s making everything like a hundred times better.”

userfour: i’m in love with her

userfive: y/n saving 2021???!!!

“I’m not even sure what I’m supposed to be singing,” you flushed. You did sing, before getting into acting you’d post a lot on Instagram and TikTok. It’d always been more of a hobby, something you loved to do, but weren’t good enough to pursue.

“I’ve had a little too much to drink,” you added. “So don’t get upset if I’m a little pitchy, guys.”

usersix: if she’s pitchy i’m not sure what i am

userseven: sing taylor swift!!!

“Okay, okay!” You chuckled, scrolling through the hundreds of comments saying to play Taylor Swift. You’d only just been crying to like three of her albums a few hours before.

“How about the chorus—and maybe the bridge too, yeah, that’ll work,” you mumbled to yourself, fiddling with the strings. “Alright, guys, Last Kiss it is. I won’t bore you all with the whole thing, though. I could never do Taylor justice.”

“And I’ll go sit on the floor, wearing your clothes”

Getting involved with him was singlehandedly the most stupid decision you’ve ever made, you thought. Late nights in his flat after long nights on set, ordering in and just talking, you two would talk as if you’d known each other your whole lives. It was something about the way he’d let you wear his clothes, or the way he’d tuck your hair behind your ear while you told him about whatever insignificant thing that had happened that day.

“All that I know,

I don’t know how to be something you miss”

The car ride to the airport was the worst, it was grey and cold outside. There was makeup running down your face, mascara covering your eyes generously. You’d wrapped filming a week earlier, unable to bring yourself to walk away from him.

You couldn’t tell the driver to turn you around, or could you? Tom had already made it clear that you were both in different places in your career. This wasn’t what he wanted. You weren’t what he wanted.

“I never thought we’d have our last kiss”

He had held you just a little tighter, you ran your fingers through his hair for just a second longer. The taste of each other lingering on the both of your lips. Like you knew it would be the last time he’d hold you without knowing.

His stupid smiled, the way he pulled away and ran his thumb over your swollen bottom lip. You were almost wrapped around his finger, absolutely sickened with desire and infatuation for him.

“I never imagined we’d end like this,

Your name, forever the name on my lips”

The day you’d left to come home to New York started with a huge argument between the two of you. He’d basically just told you that you’d both known from the beginning you wouldn’t last together. It wasn’t a matter of how much you cared for one another, but that it was impossible, as he put it.

His eyes glossed over and bloodshot, you a complete and utter mess. Slamming the door behind you as you left was one of the most painful things you’d ever endured. Even more painful, the fact that he never came after you.

“So I’ll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep”

“I can feel you staring at me, love,” he murmured against the pillow.

Your face heated, eyes averting to the stream of light through the sheerness of the curtains. He leaned into you a moment later, his lips soft on your own. He was warm, he was always so warm. You cupped the side of his face gently, pulling him in a bit harder.

“And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe”

You dropped your bags, stepping into your apartment after months of being away. It felt quieter than usual, desolate and empty from your being away. It was dark out, the illumination of the bright city lights from your windows.

You glanced down at your phone for a moment, not a missed call, not a text, not even a fucking notification. He’d simply told you to go home, nothing more nothing less.

“I keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are,

Hope it’s nice where you are”

You’d texted Harrison a few times, regretting it almost immediately after. He was sweet, telling you that Tom would come around eventually and to just be patient. You’d relied on those kind words for some time, eventually deleting them all together.

After Tom’s first text, you’d realized he wasn’t coming around or regretting what he’d said to you. He was lonely, maybe even a bit desperate. For months you had been there to listen to him and hold him, and now you were gone.

You’d fed into it the first few times, sitting on the phone with him for hours at a time. Then you started to feel worse hearing his voice, silent sobs escaping as you’d listen to him ramble. Then your finger would linger over the decline button a little longer than usual when he’d call, until eventually you started to use it.

“And I hope the sun shines and it’s a beautiful day,

And something reminds you,

You wish you had stayed”

Once you started to go out with other guys, Tom’s ‘I miss you’ texts became more infrequent. Paparazzi would snap pictures, and the next morning they’d be plastered all over the internet.

There was no doubt he was seeing you going out with other people, watching article after article about who you were dating surface. Would he be jealous? No, you thought. Tom was probably doing the same thing as you. Hopeless hookups, meaningless blind dates.

“You can plan for a change in the weather and time”

One early morning, you found yourself in a sweatshirt you’d stolen from one of his drawers and forgotten to return. Listening to the morning rush of traffic and hugging yourself, noticing the lingering smell of his cologne.

You wondered if he knew you’d taken it, if he would think you were pathetic wearing it months after you two had broken things off. This only made you clutch yourself a little tighter, closing your eyes and trying to remember.

“But I never planned on you changing your mind”

#tom holland imagines #tom holland #tom holland imagine #tom holland x reader #peter parker imagine #peter parker x reader

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geekkatsblog · 3 years

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Making my heart race for 45 minutes every week season 17x5 or like everyone else likes to call it Grey's Anatomy.

"A VERY LONG BUT IMPROTANT PART TO READ BELOW."

Now before I get started I was idly scrolling through Instagram instead of studying like I was supposed to and I was recommended a Grey's Anatomy confession site to torture myself (because most of the time I feel irrationally sad after reading when I see my faves being bashed) and I was a good few confessions in when I noticed that someone had taken a part of lasts weeks review word for word and submitted it. I never really thought I would have to but I beg please don't do that. Confession sites tend to make my heart race and when I realized it was my words that were used I was already in the comments, none of my opinions in these are final so I'd rather not have my words posted anywhere else where people can't see the complete picture. Its definitely fine to use it as inspiration but Please do not post my reviews anywhere else, or at least ask first.

*Now finally onto the review*

All in all the episode was like I expected in terms of outcomes however Grey's has got to come up with another genetic disorder besides Alzheimers, because this is yet another doctor with the gene. Not much happened besides the main event so let's hope I don't talk all over myself again.

___________________________________________

Catherine Fox and Jackson Avery

Refuses to wear the mask like the pig headed woman she is. Her especially should take no risks because as it was pointed out in the episode she is immunocompromised. She didn't actually appear in person but I thought I would mention her part in the episode because it gave us Richard and Jackson scenes which I have grown to love and appreciate because they're always wholesome the one they had tonight on systematic racism was great and one that I hope managed to educate viewers on the situation. It's great to see Jackson have someone there who has a parent figure there to listen calmly. Catherine as great of a mother as she is in my opinion sometimes she can come across as an eccentric aunt. I'm glad Richad managed to tame the wildcat and convince her to wear a mask with his sexual promises. We've lost enough Grey Sloan staff and family from it so far.

___________________________________________

Meredith

A hopefully temporary resident at the fake beach where nothing is real. Unfortunately there were no new visitors at the beach. Like I stated last week, I'm not entirely sure if we'll see anymore of the greats such as Mark Sloan, Lexie ect but there's still a chance next week although it seems like she might be waking up, but like I always say with Grey's expect the unexpected She may or may not be out of the deep end yet but I'm just thankful for the few glimpses we got to see George and Derek grace our screens again the nostalgia was great. However as much as I enjoyed seeing them again, I want Meredith to wake up I miss her, she may not be as fun and quirky as she used to be in the earlier seasons but without her working in the hospital it's hard to deny that something's missing from the episodes.

___________________________________________

TEDDY / OWEN/ TOM

(Here we go again.) 😔

This triangle has been going strong for a long time almost too long, and once again they flipped the switch its always back and forth. A few episodes ago she was begging Owen for forgiveness and now she's telling Tom they have a future. I feel like she needs some time to process what she's really feeling most of the time it seems like she's confused and fair enough it all happened so fast the time between her being with Tom and Owen expressing his still lingering feelings to her but now she needs to make sure that the decision she makes now is the one she actually intends to stick with.

On another note Tom seems to be out of the woods, for now at least which is great when he asked for his son I was a little concerned for a bit I wasn't sure if he was really going to make it. He's a douche and a hard ass but he has the potential to have a great character development, so I'm glad he got another chance. And my comments about wanting Helm to be his new protege remains in that small scene they had last week something just clicked with me and there's also the fact that she wanted to treat him despite the risks.

Owen was here as a filler basically, and to reinforce the love triangle again.

___________________________________________

Jo Wilson

Is thinking of switching specialties, if Ben can do it like changing sweaters why can't she switch? I do think it will be a good fit for her the way she has been fawning over the babies of recent it was either that or give her one of her own which in my opinion I don't think she's ready for. But even in all of the excitement I can't help but think that she's only looking at the cupcake and rainbow side for now because although it's awesome being the first one to hold the babies and everything, not every delivery goes well sometimes the babies don't make it or in other cases the mothers die I hope she's ready to face that side of the package as well.

Just mentioning as well that I love the friendship between her and Schmitt. It was an unexpected but pleasant pairing one of which I'm looking forward to seeing more of in the long run.

On the other hand if Jo switches this gives us more of a chance to see Carina as well because she was signed on a a series regular yet we don't get to see her enough except for on Station 19 and on there she's only Maya's girlfriend. I hope it changes soon and they give her more of a plot or something.

___________________________________________

Amelia/Link

Not much relationship content other than Link finding out about her and Koracick's fling and he took her going into the hospital before the end of her maternity leave quite well. They are one of the healthier relationships in Grey's. Right now at least things always get trickier later.

I'm glad she went in though it let Koracick know that he still had people who care about him and she managed to make Teddy who everyone was treating like garbage as well feel a little better.

___________________________________________

Maggie

No Winston today but we got a lot of Maggie content which was great. She was the moral support once again but today I was fine with it I always enjoy her moments with Bailey and at least she was able to be there for her seeing that Ben was MIA and Webber was busy taking care of her patients along with Jackson. Once again a very needed conversation between her and Bailey and I loved that she still went to comfort her despite the fact that rehashing her own mother's death had to be painful to do.

___________________________________________

Bailey

(Thanks for ruining My Girl for me Grey's now instead of feeling happy I'll forever think of Bailey saying goodbye to her mother.)

We all know that whenever Bailey starts spouting out her feelings and asking for help and advice things are about to go down.

Before we get completely into it I'd just like to express my disappointment in the fact that Ben literally dropped everything took the aid car to save his in laws no questions asked then dropped off his mother in law at the hospital with Covid and left his wife who has anxiety without even checking in. I know he's a first responder as well and he isn't allowed into the hospital that easily either but geeze no other phone calls or messages to check in?. He better have been stuck putting out a huge fire or something equally as bad, besides being him being hurt himself at least.

Another foot note to appreciate Bailey primping before her facetiming with Ben. Go get it hun. Their relationship be cute as usual.

Then the big revel her, mother has dementia, yet another doctor with the alzheimers gene. The moment between her and Meredith was heartwarming to be honest it's a foreign thing seeing them so close and having life conversations still but it's something I hope we get to see often they've had them as semi rivals/ semi friends long enough.

It was hard to see her have to say goodbye and the fact that her father couldn't be there to tell his wife any final words and be there to hold her as she passed made it worse, his wife that he was married to and loved for so long had to die without the comfort of her husband by her side and her daughter could barely hold her hand because of the bulk of her suit, then one of the saddest parts was that she possibly didn't even know what was happening to her. But thankfully Bailey could have been there to sing to her and keep her calm, a lot of people don't even get that much of a chance during the pandemic their loved ones die alone.

The moment I saw the conversation with her dad and the way she was only half listening I knew she was going to blame herself at some point over what happened, it remains to be seen if Maggie's speech worked or if she's going to continue to blame herself. Like I stated before I love the conversation her and Maggie had. One of the reasons why I haven't stepped off the Grey's Carousel is because they touch on topics that others don't cross they aren't afraid to touch the important and controversial things.

I was too being sad over her mothers death at first but I also want to talk about her and Webber's friendship he immediately postponed everything to be there for her, he took over her workload and still made sure he was there in time to be there and support her when she watched her mother flat line.

___________________________________________

The pandemic has always been real to me but somehow seeing the names of those that passed at the end was surreal I found myself just staring at the screen for a few minutes later reflecting on everything.

___________________________________________

Next week is the winter finale and I have no idea how it could get anymore dramatic than it already is. There's been so much already but Grey's always manages to surprise me. Then after that episode it's back to nothing until March 😭😭😭.

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tilbageidanmark · 3 years

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Movies I watched this week - 19

Tim’s Vermeer - A Texas inventor becomes convinced that 17 century Dutch painter Johannes Vermeer used an optical camera obscura device to achieve his photographic quality, so he set up to recreate The Music Lesson, in spite of never having picked up a paintbrush before. Created by Penn & Teller.

Here is Tim Jenison in a long Boing Boing post, detailing his 5 year process.

Best film of the week!

✴️

More: Girl with a Pearl Earring, 17 year old Scarlett Johansson is a taciturn domestic maid at Vermeer’s Delft home in 1665. Not another period piece. 9/10.

Griet's Theme.

Here are also the Hirox's high-resolution microscope of the original, and Awol Erizku’s ‘Girl with a Bamboo Earring‘.

✴️

“I have a scar”...

Let me see it..

Another artist bio, that of Frida Kahlo, by Julie Taymor, with her passion for life, love and art. I liked the surrealistic dissolves from photos of her paintings into real-life scenes, and the wonderful score. The intellectual and political life in the 1930′s Mexico City must have been thrilling! 5+

✴️

Blue Is the Warmest Colour is a 3-hour long coming of age and first love story of two French girls from Lille. Lovely teenager Adèle Exarchopoulos falls head over heels in love with a woman with short blue hair, and after a decade long relationship experiences the heartbreaking loss of that love.

Mixing the scenes of explicit sex would probably been better if the story was directed less voyeuristically by a woman.

8/10

✴️

Roger Ebert used to promote Ramin Bahrani as ‘The new great American Director’, and I decided to check out his work:

✳️✳️✳️ Plastic Bag is an 18 minute short featuring the voice of Werner Herzog describing his life as he searches for his mistress.

✳️✳️✳️ 99 Homes is a real estate movie about the Florida (and Southern California) 2010 eviction market. I lived through this movie.

"America doesn't bail out losers. America bails out winners."

It was dedicated to Ebert who died before the premiere. 7/10

✴️

The Red Turtle - Dutch animator Michaël Dudok de Wit (who illustrated the Oscar winner Father and Daughter) co-produced his first feature together with Studio Ghibli in 2016. It tells a beautiful, wordless story of a man who becomes shipwrecked on a deserted island and meets a giant red female turtle. 5+

✴️

Like father, like son: A success-oriented Japanese father discovers that the 6 year old son he raised was switched at birth with his biological son. Heartbreaking but predictable.

Reminded me a bit of Secrets & Lies which I just watched last week. I’ll look for Hirokazu Kore-eda‘s other dramas.

✴️

The Big Sick, a sweet romantic comedy that is written by and is based on the real life interethnic (Pakistani-White) love story of Silicon Valley’s Dinesh and his wife.

✴️

“What sad business, being funny”.

First watch: Limelight, Charlie Chaplin’s 1952 sentimental love story between a suicidal ballerina and a faded clown dreaming about his past greatness.

Also, Kid Auto Races at Venice (1914), the very first film in which Chaplin’s "Little Tramp" character made an appearance before the public.

And, A Dog’s Life (1918), his first silent 2-reeler for First National Film.

✴️

The Artist - a French Oscar winner from 2011, which was shot in black & white and was (mostly) silent. In the same vain as ‘Singing in the rain” and “Silent Movie’. Cute re-watch.

✴️

This is the end - A Seth Rogan wet dream / nightmare with a bunch of celebrity-friends facing the Biblical Apocalypse, while attending James Franco’s Hollywood house warming party. Hardly worth a re-watch.

Based on his earlier short Jay and Seth Versus the Apocalypse.

✴️

A better Seth Rogan re-watch: Sausage Party, a very adult animated comedy about a anthropomorphic sausage and his lust after a sexy bun “Brenda”. With a memorable food orgy scene at the very end, where all the food items from the supermarket shelves get down to a very explicit cartoon sex. Sophomoric but lovely.

✴️

Parkland, an uninteresting rehashing of JFK assassination, that focuses on some of the minor characters. The rushed and shaky camera movements were meant to create a feeling of constant vertigo, and they succeeded in that. 2/10.

✴️

28 days later, a completely unnecessary post-apocalyptic Zombie horror film with no rhyme or reason.

- - - - -

Throw-back to the art project:

Vermeer Adora

Frida Kahlo Adora

Father and Daughter Adora

Charlie Chaplin Adora

JFK Adora

- - - - -

(My complete movie list is here)

#movies

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agent-yolk · 3 years

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Howdy!

For the 35 questions for fanfic writers thing, could you answer 31 and 34??

Howdy! I sure can!

Link to the post with the questions

31. Do you have any OCs? Tell us about them!

I have...so many...It’s not even funny. Everytime I enter a new fandom I’m always making an OC. Sometimes it’s just my universal OC, Riida, in that universe. Sometimes I’ll have Riida and a new OC. I recently started reading the Jujutsu Kaisen manga and I...don’t know if I should make a new OC, rehash riida again, or both

34. Copy and paste an excerpt you’re particularly fond of.

You hated rich people’s parties.

You hated having to find an outfit that you were going to use for only one night that’s worth more than what you make in three months. You hated the fact that you have to watch over some of the most powerful people in the area, talking about atrocities they’ve committed that made your blood boil. As much as you would love to handcuff every bastard in attendance, some of these snobs definitely have Interpol in their pocket.

Oh, and it doesn’t help that there’s a chance that goddamn Lupin is going to show up.

(coughs in hand) This is uh...a self indulgent wip for lupin iii that I started writing about earlier this week. There will be ballroom dancing...possibly tango, but it’ll take a while to complete since I don’t know shit about ballroom dancing and too shy to ask my bff who actually knows how to ballroom dance. It be like that sometimes, you know?

#get to know agent yolk #kirstin dont look #atwubis

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painfog · 4 years

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Hey so I saw you mention top surgery and was curious. I was supposed to be having top surgery this summer but that’s postponed. I was curious how that went with chronic pain? I’m scared about the surgical binder with my fibro and back pain. Any advice or info would be greatly appreciated!! (You can answer privately if you prefer)

ive actually been meaning to write up a big post on this pretty much since i had top surgery but still haven't got around to it yet so I'm happy to talk about it lol. ill go over stuff now n still aim to do a more in depth post later when im on my laptop (but writing this now bc i tend to forget everything haha). ill stick to the more fibro / chronic illness specific stuff & stuff i wasnt expecting rather than rehashing everything. apologies im on mobile so i cant put this under a cut

firstly, im sorry ur surgery got postponed! i know that must be gutting, so i hope it gets rescheduled asap & the time until then passes easily for u ❤️

I had double incision with free nipple grafts on the 4th of september 2019 with Mr Miles Berry at the london wellbeck hospital. i think he did an amazing job and can't recommend him enough for his work! i think the last pics i took of my chest were for tdov, and ill rb them after i post this for reference. i didnt have drains at any point of the surgery

for ppl with fibro, i was told that the pain after surgery either tends to trigger a flareup, or be really easily manageable, and it's hard to predict which it will be beforehand. its best to prepare for a flareup and be pleasently surprised if u dont get one. for me, i had a flareup that sucked but wasnt too bad as far as flareups go

you'll probably get given painkillers. take them regularly. it's easier to treat pain preemptively. if u don't get given them (no idea how it works outside of the uk) id say def get codine and paracetamol. u can't take ibuprofen for a while

i woke up from aneasthetic freezing cold + in a lot of pain. apparently most ppl dont need the full dose of morphine, but i did. after that it was a bit better. i was just So Goddamn Hungry literally it's all i was talking about

that night in hospital was probably one of the most uncomfortable in my life. you have to sleep sitting up for like blood reasons, so my back pain was quite bad bc of it. moving around a bit and adjusting pillows helped. if u have anything that normally helps ur back pain bring it with u to the hospital, & dont be afraid to ask the nurses for help with it (even if they can just adjust ur pillows for u). i couldnt rly sleep much but distraction helps. bring ur phone + headphones. i did a few ask memes when i couldnt sleep

the first week from surgery was rly tough, the first few days especially. this was bc i still had to sleep elevated for a few days and i couldnt get comfortable. i was too exhausted to do anything but couldn't sleep and it rly started to get me down. then i got some sleeping tablets (just nytol) and that helped so much. i literally cannot recommend it enough bc the not sleeping properly made everything hard (and like esp because with fibro the whole pain/fatigue/depression cycle is so real). once i started sleeping better recovery became a lot easier, and the tablets made the awkward sleeping positions more manageable. if i had to give only one bit of advice this would be it

on that note, ik everyone says this but do get a V pillow. it helps u adjust to sleeping on ur back and if u sleep on ur side normally it means u can like lean slightly sideways on it which makes it sm easier. also this isn't even top related but they make good back pillows when ur watching stuff in bed even now

get urself some video games (if ur into them) and easy entertainment shows lined up for when u wanna have them. recovering from major surgery makes ur fatigue even more pronounced so ur not going to be able to do all that much, but having light entertainment ready to go stops u getting as bored. its also a good excuse to finally play/watch the things you've been meaning to for a while

go outside when u can. if u have a garden just walk around it. it helps with a lot of stuff, and idk about u but i always forget how much it does. even just helping u sleep better if u get trapped in a fibro fatigued-but-can't-sleep cycle. and it goes so far helping u feel human in the first week

the first week is rly hard for a lot of ppl - its frustrating to have all that pain and exhaustion and not being able to wash or change the binder, and with the swelling and bandages under the binder it doesn't really feel like there's much change, which all sort of adds together. i keep going on about this week bc it helps to mentally prepare for it - there's no need to dread it, you just need to remind urself how worth it itll all be and that the rest of recovery is a lot better than the first part, and in time it won't have seemed that bad. big picture stuff

when u get the chest reveal, everything's better. i didnt stop smiling. and when u put the post op binder on afterwards, without all the bandaging, u like feel for the first time how much flatter u are??? and its amazing. even with the swelling. and then u get to shower and u feel human again and its great. (ik some ppl have their post ops/chest reveals much earlier than a week, but 5 days to a week is pretty standard in the uk. mine was 6 days i think)

more post op binder stuff: i got given 2. the first one i woke up in after the surgery and wasn't allowed to take off until my post op, and the second one i got given at my post op to change into after i showered. After that i alternated every few days. whatever u get given, if u get less than 2 i recommend getting another one so u can alternate them (if u want help sourcing them hmu. ive also still got mine i need to give away)

the post op binders were actually a lot easier to wear full time than normal binders. they were like more stretchy, and stretchy the full way round (bc they dont have the compression bit at the front). i used to sleep in my normal binder every time i slept with my ex, and that hurt like a motherfuck sometimes. the post op binder was much kinder to my ribs

i had to wear the post op binder full time, taking it off like once a day to shower n let my chest breathe (and massage my scars once i started that). some surgeons arent that strict abt wearing it that long, but it really helps swelling, & bc i didnt have drains it was rly important to stop fluid buildup. ik quite a few guys in my trans groups who stopped wearing their binder fairly early and then got quite a lot of swelling so i didn't want to risk it & i wore it for the full 6 weeks. at some point (icr when but maybe at 6 weeks? bc my post op was at 8 weeks bc he was on holiday) i didnt wear it during the day and only wore it at night

all in all the binder didnt bother me that much. it was more comfortable than my regular binders and i just kinda got on with it. it was annoying tho and i was glad when i could stop wearing it. for me the most annoying part was that it was a full length binder (i always wore half length before) and the riding up at the hips was rly irritating. i actually quite liked sleeping with it tho it was a pretty nice pressure stim ahah

some post op binders r more comfortable than others. if u have to buy ur own, i rly suggest going with a proper surgical one (they arent too hard to find second hand for free or cheap, again im happy to help here) bc they're kinder to chronic pain. i know that having a comfortable post op binder made it all a lot easier for me. there are also lots of alternatives w lots of price ranges tho, so that's not ur only option

ok i think thats everything right now! sorry its so long, but let me know if u have any questions!!

finally: before i got top ppl told me that its honestly life changing, and i didnt realise how true that would be. literally every single aspect of my life is at least partially better because of it, and most of them drastically so. I'm really excited for you to get that for yourself, and im wishing u all the best for it 💕

#and like i said ill post a more complete version at some point when i have time and my laptop #but dw that one ill be able to put under a cut #asks #long post #top surgery #fibromyalgia #is there a tag for chronically ill trans ppl?? i feel like there should be the venn diagram is pretty chunky #medical //#also its 2am as im writinf this lmao sorry if it doesnt make sense

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inmyarmswrappedin · 4 years

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DRUCK reactions - s4 ep3

Featuring: the clip that made me infinitely more interested in the season.

Oops, I forgot to link to the Nadia clip twitter thread. It’s there now!

(Thanks again to @wodrueckts! 💛)

CLIP 1: What is this, a tent for ants?

LISTEN. Tua is already the smallest in the girl squad, and that tent doesn’t even look like she can lay fully stretched out inside.

I was so disturbed by this that I looked up 1-person tents, and they don’t look that small! They are longer and thinner.

Amira’s mom comes outside and she’s also disturbed, but not by Amira using a toddler-sized tent, but Amira going camping at all. She’s like, we’re going to have a conversation about traveling while hijabi, but Amira isn’t in the mood.

And her mood is further spoiled because Sam texts her hoping that she can hook her up with Mohammed.

Amira’s mom brings her some pepper spray, and holy shit! Is that legal in Germany? (Answer: yes, it is, but it’s sold as “animal repellent.”)

I’ve traveled on my own before but I’ve always stayed in B&Bs, hostels or hotels. Ngl I wouldn’t even couchsurf at a stranger’s without some kind of protective device, like a portable door lock. I would never carry a weapon because you never know if you’re going to use it properly in the heat of the moment, but something like a personal alarm for runners would work in a camping setting. Take care of yourself if you’re traveling on your own!

CLIP 2: Lemonade pining

Jonas is going on about supporting sea rescue efforts of African migrants in the Mediterranean Sea, a big topic last year because of the Salvini administration (in Italy) approving a law to fine migrant rescue ships. Salvini has been ousted since, and sea rescue has disappeared from the news what with 2020 being a dumpster fire and all.

Essam, high on power, demands that his slave Amira makes him some lemonade, but I already described my issues with this storyline last week. After threatening Amira with the ever classic sibling-on-sibling physical violence, Amira relents.

Mohammed comes in as Amira is sulkily preparing some lemonade for Essam, and he makes a flirty comment about Amira’s ice cold stare again.

The sweet thing about Mohammed is that he fully admits that he finds Amira intimidating, like he totally recognizes that Amira can be unapproachable when she wants to (even though Amira M. is also one of the friendliest Sanas), but like… For one thing he doesn’t neg her about it. He’s playful about Amira being scary, but he’s not trying to bring her down. And for another, Mohammed tries to find ways in which he fits into Amira’s life or can help her in some way.

This will keep coming up with them, but it happens here when he thinks of a way to prank Essam and, as a result, cheer Amira up.

Peep at the interaction between Amira and Mohammed when they come out with the lemonade. They don’t exchange a word, but they’re such a team.

CLIP 3: Beware bicyclists

Amira, apparently still on a high since the lemonade prank, is strolling down the street singing to herself, as I believe most of us have done at some point.

Jonas asks for Amira’s help with his solidarity party, further characterizing Amira as the one they all go to for help.

Sam also texts Amira. She’s found Mohammed’s insta, which makes Amira’s face fall for a moment… Even though Mohammed keeps seeking Amira out, it feels like Sam might be able to hook up with him through sheer force of will? Or maybe Amira is kinda hoping Sam’s crush goes away, but it ain’t.

There’s something really Formal about that family photo that makes it lowkey funny, like I can imagine that pic being one Mohammed’s family sends to their relatives (caption about family and all), instead of one would post on instagram. Somehow, you can feel Mohammed’s latent dad energy just waiting to be discovered.

Even though this wasn’t the way Amira wanted to come across that pic, Mohammed just looks so damn fine that she can’t help but zoom in on his face, a Druck classic at this point.

And she’s so focused on the thirst that she almost gets run over by an islamophobic bicyclist, who thoroughly spoils her day.

This is such a Northern Europe thing btw. I think each one of my friends who has lived in the bike using part of Europe for any period of time has a story about a bicyclist yelling profanities at them. It’s like they’re saving the planet with their lack of gas use so they have to be extra dickish to compensate for their do gooding.

Amira also looks around as this happens, maybe to see if someone else witnessed what happened (for support?).

Anyway, Amira is so angry that she double texts Sam (or possibly just texts? I checked a couple times and it isn’t clear that she sent Sam the text where she translates the caption about family) to be careful with Mohammed as Arabs will fuck you over. She does a double take to herself, like she’s checking with herself that this was appropriate, and seems to decide it is.

I really dislike the context here. When this happened on Skam, it was part of a larger conversation between Sana and Noora where it was clear that Sana was repeating stereotypes in order to discourage Noora’s interest. And even in that conversation, what Sana said is that Muslim guys will sleep with white Norwegians because they put out, but in the end they marry Muslim girls. So rather than saying, he’s gonna fuck you over, Sana explains how. What Amira tells Sam is so lacking in context, so random as a response to Sam asking what the caption says, and like… You kinda have to have watched the Skam scene in order for Amira not to come across like a total dick here.

It also makes no sense because Sana knew that Noora had been hurt in the past by guys using her for sex and then discarding her, but a no strings attached hook up is exactly what Sam is after. So like… How would Mohammed wanting just sex and nothing else fuck Sam over anyway?

CLIP 4: Sam is interested in getting fucked (over)

Amira and Sam are doing boxing intervals, and Sam is a bit taken aback by how intense Amira is at something Sam is presumably doing just for fun.

Now imagine they’d actually written a scene around that difference between both girls, instead of a brief subtextual moment for us to read into.

Mohammed comes in during a pause, which Amira is using to get a bit more practice in whereas Sam is showing off to Kiki (sensing a theme they could’ve explored, here).

It looks like he’s going to go say hi to Amira, but Sam gets there first and starts flirting with him, hair twirling and all. Amira looks upset and goes back to boxing.

CLIP 5: Nadia! [crowd cheers]

At this point when the season was dropping, I was, to be completely honest, a little bored. Like the clips were cute and all, but I wasn’t excited. (Of course, you have to keep in mind that this was in comparison to my excitement levels during Matteo’s season, where so much as a glimpse of David made my synapses light up.)

I loved this clip and immediately posted a full on analysis on twitter (which you can read here if you’re interested, but I’ll be rehashing most of it in this post), and it still holds up in rewatch even though they didn’t mine the Nadia/Amira dynamic for all it was worth.

So we open on Nadia and Amira and they’re already looking tense as shit. It doesn’t help that Amira’s mom seems, like, almost relieved that Nadia hasn’t totally cut ties with Amira lmao. And she’s like, “omg you must have so much to talk about!” even though we just saw them looking quiet and uncomfortable.

Amira is all, “never thought you’d be the first one to marry,” and to Nadia’s credit, she takes this comment, which could read as shady, as a friendly observation. She talks a bit about how Ahmed is not like the other dicks, but Amira isn’t convinced, and now she’s definitely shading Nadia.

She also gets on Nadia’s case about going to Dubai for their honeymoon, but Nadia doesn’t defend herself and just looks sheepish.

Kiki comes in with some vegan cupcakes that she made to thank Amira for her help last episode, and you can see how Amira is much more at ease with Kiki. Tbf they did see each other last week, whereas we know Nadia has been out of the picture for a while. Anyway Kiki seems to feel the tension in the air, so she tries to excuse herself.

At this point, Nadia finds her voice to ask Kiki to stay. Is it because she thinks that with Kiki around conversation will flow more freely? Or maybe because she’s hoping that Amira’s irritation will be redirected to this Alman?

After Kiki admires the vegan spread Amira’s mom prepared, we find out that Nadia’s intention is the latter. She all but tells Kiki that Amira told her Kiki was a racist piece of shit. So this is how Nadia gains the upper hand after Amira’s earlier comments.

Amira looks alarmed, but Kiki is like pfff yeah, I was so into Alexander Humberbumber that I might have been the worst s1 Vilde until Amber made her appearance, but now I’m getting dicked down by a good man and I see Amira for the Muslim goddess she is (I’m paraphrasing but not that much!).

Amira looks really touched by Kiki not just 1. Not picking up Nadia’s intention, but also 2. Swiftly clearing the air and complimenting Amira in the process.

Kiki figures out that Nadia is the friend who’s getting married and declares her love for weddings of all kinds but especially Bollywood-style ones. Nadia looks really amused at this and looks at Amira like, “get a load of this girl!” Amira looks a bit embarrassed.

Sidenote to say Druck started building up to Kiki’s love of weddings last episode when she was paging through a wedding magazine spread. Like, they really put in more work into this Kiki/wedding storyline than most storylines last week.

And when Kiki asks if Nadia’s marriage was arranged, Nadia makes fun of Kiki to Amira. Like I would love to say that Nadia isn’t being mean to Kiki, but she is, and the point is to bring Amira down a notch. Now Amira really does look embarrassed, because in some way she’s supposed to be responsible for Kiki not saying something islamophobic. Kiki isn’t Amira’s responsibility, and I’m sure Nadia would agree in other circumstances, but… That’s what Amira gets for calling Nadia out for the Dubai honeymoon!

But as the conversation goes on, it also kind of seems like Nadia takes a liking to Kiki? (I’m mostly assuming because Nadia later invites Kiki to that pre-wedding event.) They talk a little bit about Nadia and Ahmed, and Kiki’s like, “I want to go to a Muslim wedding so fucking bad, Amira, please!” It’s like… At the moment Amira is the only single female friend Kiki has, but Kiki’s just like, can’t you just get married now though.

Amira’s like NO WEDDINGS, Australia first. And tension falls around the table again, because of course, Nadia didn’t know about this, but Kiki knew about it, so like… It’s just another way in which Amira has become a different person as far as Nadia is concerned.

Let us now talk about Kiki. Like I said, I really loved this clip. In general I love Skams clips where the dynamic feels so lived in and nuanced and multifaceted. This is the first time we see Nadia in the flesh, but we get so much information just from looks and tone of voice. Nadia’s actress and Tua El-Fawwal just rock this scene.

When it aired I took Kiki’s words at face value. Like, this was the way the writers had decided to resolve Kiki being a racist in earlier seasons, and I accepted it. It wasn’t until later that I read criticism of the scene and thought about it a bit more.

In Skam, Isak apologizes to Eva in three separate scenes. In s1, episode 10, she says to Eva, “I fucked up,” “[if I had known Iben was a psycho] then of course I wouldn’t have done it.” In episode 11, “I know it might be hard to believe, but I never wanted to hurt you. It just turned out that way. I’m sorry.” And in s3, “I just want to say sorry for that stuff last year. When I was ruining things for you and Jonas.” Like. You can say that Isak only said sorry because he got caught (though I personally believe he was genuine every time, if not entirely truthful), but the point is that Julie Andem thought it necessary, in order for Isak to remain a likable character, that he apologized three times.

The girl squad never apologized to Sana, they just showed up with the Los Losers van one day.

And while Druck also thought it was necessary for Matteo to be full of self-loathing over what he did to Hanna, they didn’t think Kiki needed to apologize on screen.

One of my least favorite Skams characters is Basile Savary, because he was a total creep to the point that, during s3, Skam France had to release a damage control text out of Lucas L’s POV because people were worried that he might have done something to Daphné while she was drunk. Basile was a creep who respected no boundaries (including dry humping Daphné against her will on social media, which played off as a joke!) until one day he wasn’t and became the perfect boyfriend. No arc where he learned to be a doper person, Skam France said, no we are not going to examine how nerds get away with being gross creeps.

And as much as I would like to say otherwise, Druck did the same with Kiki. Kiki was one of the most overtly racist Vildes in s1, was still making offensive comments about Amira’s and Sam’s hair in s2, and then… Season 4 rolls around and Kiki just says, “oh yeah I was a dick before but now I know Amira is a great Muslim.” Like… At least it didn’t happen from one day to the next, but no, there wasn’t an arc where Kiki is taken to task for her racism, nor a scene where Kiki apologizes to Amira.

This is an issue specifically because Amira’s season hinges on the Kiki/Amira friendship, like they pretty much got rid of most other conflicts or didn’t explore them fully, choosing instead to focus on this dynamic.

And I don’t think it was because Lea and Tua are such good friends irl (which they are! Lea even attended Tua’s engagement party! I love them!), because like, Tua is also good friends with Carl (Stefan) and we never got an Amira/Stefan scene, did we? I think it was simply that this season was too packed with people of color, and either funk or the writers needed a white character to anchor the season.

I still love Kiki and Amira obviously, I ship them (in fanon) and I love their scenes, because I love Lea and Tua and their friendship, and their characters. All I wanted from s4 of Skam was Vilde supporting Sana in the way Sana had supported Vilde for three seasons, and Druck gave me that. But here’s one thing where the writers dropped the ball, and it’s a massive mistake because the emotional core of the season is this friendship.

This also made me think about how the change of writers resulted in character arcs being dropped left and right. Now that two writing collectives are about to pick up Druck’s next gen, I think there’s an idea that the change in writers in the first four seasons wasn’t noticeable, but honestly… It kind of was. I would argue that a lot of the things that were set up in s1 and s2 got dropped and didn’t go anywhere. To wit:

Hanna’s arc in s1 is trashed in s4. Jonas is set up with a redemption arc in s2 that isn’t explored past that season. The Winterberg of s2 has nothing to do with the s4 ship. Kiki is still being racist in s2 and a shining example of allyship in s4. The little depth that Sam had in s1 and s2 gets dropped. Amira’s delivery job… Enough said. The one character whose character arc through the seasons was done justice I would argue is Matteo. He gets a shift in characterization after s1 to make the storyline with David make more sense (more on this if I ever write Matteo’s season meta), and retains that characterization to the end. Of the minor characters, Carlos and Abdi also come out well. David gets introduced in s3 when Q3 took over the writing, so he wasn’t affected.

Anyway, this clip totally revitalized the season.

CLIP 6: Amira praying, that’s it, that’s the clip

Mohammed is at the door waiting for Amira, and when Amira asks him if Sam is already there, he says he’s not here because of Sam. And I’m like, does he mean that literally? Like Amira could’ve assumed Sam invited him to this party, but Mohammed did meet the squads last episode. Maybe he asked Jonas if Amira was coming or got himself invited some other way.

Amira’s like sure, and gets inside. And Mohammed looks at her in such a way that even I need to fan myself a little tbh.

Hanna compliments David’s design, and Matteo’s like yeah, David is great, but I’d rather shit on Stefan. Idk, I feel like the Matteo in my mind would want to hype David up a little more before moving onto shitting on Stefan, but it’s a small quibble.

Amira goes to help Sam in the kitchen, and they both have some trouble making German food. I can’t tell if it’s because they’re generally bad at cooking or this is a commentary on white people’s palates. Or Abdi’s palate since he’s still going on about hollandaise sauce.

Oh, Sam explains that she told Mohammed about the party and he got on board. So he is there because of Sam, kinda.

They also talk about Mohammed having the coolest insta (pro: Mohammed has at least one topless pic, con: Mohammed has a pic wearing flip flops with socks), and how Abdi doesn’t compare because he doesn’t have an insta (yet). I mean… Damn, Sam. You can’t argue with logic like that.

But Sam calls Amira out on being weird lately. Again, I really wish this conversation didn’t rely so much on subtext, so it could be properly developed. Also, a new version of Snow’s Informer is playing in the background during this conversation and I can’t help but love the mood whiplash of it all.

Then something confusing happens when Jonas introduces the music act and says they come from Lebanon and traveled to Germany by train and then the lead singer says they’re from Berlin. They’re called Feedback and I tried googling them to find out what that’s all about, but with that name I didn’t get any results about them.

At least this is the kind of band that would play at an event like this, like they seem good enough to do a performance, but not big enough that there’s no believable way Jonas could book them.

Amira and Mohammed have a ~Moment~ when the audio switches to the version of Sand performed by Lary, and the sexual tension is so overwhelming for Amira that she immediately leaves to get some praying done, in the privacy of the venue’s backroom.

This scene is so iconic and beautiful. That shot of Amira being lit from above, looking up with her hands held before her? Talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show stopping, etc. The kind of sequence that needs both a Muslim performer and behind the scenes respect for said Muslim performer.

Amira overhears some argument as she’s folding the carpet she was using, and then she sees that Mohammed was blocking the door, so that she could pray in peace. Can we get a #notallmen here? Thanks. Again, Mohammed just finds little ways in which he can help and support Amira without being intrusive.

Mohammed compliments Amira’s friends for trying to help refugees (although sea rescue is more about migrants in general, rather than refugees). I think something that is lost in translation is that German is obviously not Mohammed’s first language, so I think this scene is more significant and subtext-laden for German speakers.

Amira is probably still smarting from her earlier run in with the racist biker, so she (who’s always said she wants to be Chancellor) says that Jonas will probably become Chancellor one day. Mohammed says no! Amira should be Chancellor, but Amira doesn’t think anyone wants that. 🙁 But Mohammed says he does, and he says “we” need someone who fights for “us” (which Amira probably interprets as “us Muslims,” but Mohammed might mean more like, “us refugees”).

Also, Mohammed thinks that Amira was trying to matchmake him with Sam, which we know it was more like the opposite, but it’s very in line for Mohammed to think Amira was trying to get rid of him.

Then Mohammed asks Amira for her phone and is all, “don’t you trust me?” and Amira’s like, “no,” which is hilarious. After a while, Amira wants her phone back and Mohammed notices Amira accidentally cut herself with the knife earlier. He puts a cute bandaid on it, and they have yet another Moment. They’re so into each other that Amira goes, “omg I love this song! Let’s go in!” But Mohammed is now sure his feelings are requited.

Social media

Kiki slept at the new apartment even though it’s falling apart, a sign that that she can’t stand being at her mom’s house. Later, Zoe texts her and Kiki says she’ll be available whenever Zoe needs her, but she also just… doesn’t want to live at her mom’s.

Matteo and David (but really just Lukas) attended the Berlin CSD (Pride) march.

Mia posts a pic of a cortado coffee, and I totally believe this was taken in Madrid. 👌

Carlos missed the Abiball because he failed his History resit, then he missed Jonas’ birthday because he was sick, and this week he’s visiting Brandenburg with Kiki, and what I’m getting from all this is that maybe Carlos’ actor had other commitments during this time lol.

Amira and Mohammed both post pics acknowledging their Moment under the lights/with the bandaid, showing Amira is getting more emotionally committed to this relationship.

Final thoughts

While I did have some issues with this episode, it was much more solid overall than episode 2. Nadia’s actress really delivered in her intro clip and I wish they’d explored that dynamic a bit more, but the character kind of takes a backseat after this. Although I don’t feel like Amira and Mohammed have a motif or object that they keep revisiting (like Jonas and Hanna with Hanna’s nose, or Mia and Alex with Hotel Hardenberg, or David and Matteo with the sandwiches*), I like their dynamic where Mohammed is supportive of Amira’s endeavors, which this episode solidifies. I also really love the significance of Amira getting to complete her prayer thanks to Mohammed. In Skam, Sana gets constantly interrupted until later in the season, where she gets to pray for all her friends.

[* I thought about this a bit more, and I think one motif Mohammed and Amira share is music, and singing to each other.]

I discussed this episode with Michi, and we came to the conclusion that the root conflict between Amira and Nadia is that Amira feels like that, to be with a man, is to compromise yourself and your principles. Nadia didn’t use to be the person who’d be the first to marry, or who’d go on a honeymoon to Dubai, and Amira sees that chance as Nadia losing sight of her ideals. But, in the last clip, Mohammed’s actions allow Amira to be who she fully is, and to finish her prayer. So the idea is planted, that Amira wouldn’t necessarily have to compromise her principles if she got into a relationship. Of course, Mohammed is probably one of the people who’d most compromise Amira’s ideals if she were to date him, but we’re not at that point yet.

#druck #about druck

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diarrheaofthekeyboard · 4 years

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Soliloquy of the Rational Brain

9.18.2020

I fell asleep with my kid Wednesday night at 8pm. So it only makes sense that I woke up at 3:15am when he tried to sleep on my leg and then couldn’t get back to sleep. By the time I got out for a walk at 6:30am, I had already watched too many YouTube videos, ate breakfast, and made coffee. I wanted to go outside earlier, but it was pitch black. So I guess 6:30am it is, because sunrise is only going to get later as autumn progresses.

The super interesting thing about Thursday’s walk was I listened to rock again. One of the best jamband albums of the late 90s is Strangefolk’s “Weightless in Water”. It sparked a bunch of ideas which I typed out as I walked. And that became my previous post. After that record, I listened to Bob Marley’s “Exodus”, which I haven’t listened to since working in record stores during college. There’s been a lot pointing me towards reggae these days, specifically Charlie Hunter’s “Natty Dread” and Lo talking about reggae beats in GSW songs.

The song that really got me thinking was “Who I Am”, which is sung by the bassist, Erik. It’s obvious this song is about an argument with a friend. What caught me is how any time I hear a song like this, I always internalize it about myself. I did this with “Guns & Sharp Swords” by Lo. I’m not singing about the woman he’s pining for. I’m not singing about a similar person I might have in my life. The song only makes sense about me. “Once, we were one and not two, and I gave up my soul for you.”

The thing this entire blog, and my entire purpose in therapy is all about, is squashing my inner critic. Lately, I’ve been having a lot of regret. I should have become a history teacher. I should have stayed in this job or this band. I should have practiced more. I wouldn’t feel like I’m always starting over had I done that. And since starting over is exhausting, my loud inner critic is using that sense of dread against me, this time by showing me my age.

My challenge here is showing myself the common threads including the sequence of events and choices I made that felt like common sense at the time. For instance, I left the power pop cover band and teaching guitar when our son was born. In hindsight, maybe I should have quit the original band. It was time to stop teaching. I don’t regret leaving. I miss teaching, but I don’t regret it. But my brain will hold up walking away from the music school and scream “LOOK AT THE FAILURE”. It’s not failure. The time to stop doing something was over. I taught for 15 years. It’s ok.

This all comes as I’m seriously considering what I want to do next in life. I did not have a good end to my last job. Do I want to go back to the hustle? Do I want to do something completely different? I’m seriously considering the latter. Do I feel like I failed at my last job? Somewhat. But, I also feel like I seriously improved in the last 6 months and was over the hump. I understand why I was laid off and there’s no sense in rehashing at this point.

My birthday is in a few weeks. I’ll be 43. Last July I freaked out at work when a deal fell through and spent August talking myself out of it. I was ok for a few weeks but the bottom fell out for my mental well being and I finally decided I needed to talk to someone a couple of weeks after my 42nd birthday in October. Since I couldn’t afford therapy out of pocket I picked an internist, was able to get a phone visit, and cried my eyes out in my car for 15 minutes. As a result, my profile says “major depressive disorder”.

In that year, I’ve gone from having uncontrollable physical reactions to stress to being at least a tick calmer. As a result, I got more comfortable at work and started doing the work well before COVID. Having stopped manifesting at work, my “Inner Critic” as my now former therapist called it, started butting into my personal life. Not that it hadn’t before, but now the bad memories were more frequent. I used the techniques we talked about in therapy, and tried to “give it a seat at the table” instead of just yelling at myself. I got better at it this summer as I had no work and started writing this blog, also a therapist suggestion.

This is to say I’m in a very different place mentally than I was last year. I do still consider myself to have major depressive disorder. Just because I’ve started addressing it, doesn’t mean I don’t have it. I’m not looking forward to starting over with another therapist. But this time, I’m talking politics out of the gate. If my last therapist couldn’t handle the BLM discussion, there’s no way she could have handled our next conversation, which would 100% be about RBG, her place in my wife’s world, and the political fallout we’re about to experience. Anyone who can’t handle it is getting cast aside.

#strangefolk #weightless in water #bob marley #exodus #inner critic #therapy #blm #rbg #covid #failure #charlie hunter #natty dread #diarrhea #keyboard

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florrickandassociates · 4 years

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TGF Thoughts: 3x08-- The One Where Kurt Saves Diane

I wrote this over the span of, like, a full year and it is not very interesting. I am posting it simply because I am committed to the idea of writing something about every episode of this series. I recommend that you go check out Evil instead of reading this.

I’m just not intrigued by the clips of news footage about some sort of “Unredacted Unspecified Report” that open this episode.

Diane doesn’t seem to be that interested either: she’s not watching and talks over it.

More interesting (but, tbh, not actually that interesting to me either, because I’m losing interest in this season) is that Diane gets a letter of warning from a ~mysterious source~.

Most interesting of all: Diane and Kurt have a normal morning together.

Kurt spots the letter first and opens it. STOP DIANE. THEY KNOW ABOUT THE HACK. So maybe it’s directed at Kurt. Or maybe it’s supposed to say, “Stop, Diane.”

I still haven’t warmed to Diane’s bedroom set, especially because it still feels like Diane lives in her bedroom and her home has no other rooms.

Joy, Felix Staples has returned. All I have to say about this case is that the day this ep aired, basically what’s happening in this case happened in real life, because… Kings.

Hello, it’s October now and I suddenly felt like returning to The Good Universe and writing. It’s been a while.

My memory of this episode/arc is that Diane and Liz just did something uncharacteristically dumb and illegal, and this is the episode where Kurt secretly puts an end to the shenanigans without Diane even knowing. I remember this episode being satisfying, if only because it got rid of the aforementioned dumb and illegal plot. Let’s see how good my memory is.

Wait why don’t I remember Roger Bart being on this show and why didn’t I note it earlier?! How could I let George The Killer Pharmacist go unmentioned?!

On that note, how did I not use the opening scene of the season (Diane saying “I’m happy” as an excuse to ramble about how weird it is to experience happiness on a personal level in today’s world?) (I was just watching 3x01.)

I’m actively not watching the case scenes so they don’t kill my drive to actually write this.

Oh God, I’m going to have to deal with Blum again at some point. I had blocked out his bloviating. I think this is the last of the Blum/Maia free eps?

The weird Lucca/British actor plot is still happening!!!! I didn’t miss it during all those months in which I wasn’t reminded of it.

The joke about how these TV lawyers aren’t like other TV lawyers, except they are, was funny the first time.

Always great to see how Lucca, who is the head of a department at this point, gets called into other cases frequently. Definitely how things work.

Is it bad that I’m more interested in making a mental list of all the times TGF/TGW have filmed in this little park than this Marissa/Alan Alda scene?

I can see why this is the episode that made me stop writing these for a bit. So far, this ep is all case and a subplot I don’t care for.

You know what else was funny the first time and has hit a point of diminishing returns? The thing where a main character’s love interest shows up in court and then they get thrown off their game and it’s CUTE FLIRTING!!! Find a new, unique way to signal interest, writers!

This gag now involves literal gagging. I’m overjoyed.

Lucca’s monologuing at a toilet about her crush. This plot is cute. It isn’t bad. It is watchable. BUT! I know it’s a novelty, so I’m just not that excited by it or invested in it. It’s not really deepening my understanding of Lucca.

Lucca picturing everyone in court in their underwear is just unnecessary and honestly not funny???

Kurt leaves the warning note out for Diane to see. He confronts her about it and she asks for a drink.

The credits are at 19 minutes in. I do love them. Have any of you watched Evil yet? I watched part of the first episode (I intend to go back to it, I’ve just been busy) and the credits resemble the TGF credits. (Update as of March 2020: I watched all of Evil and you should too.)

Diane tells Kurt about Book Club or #Resistance or whatever I was calling it. Even though Diane doesn’t tell him the full story (mostly for his own protection, and she makes it clear she’s omitting stuff), I do appreciate that Diane and Kurt don’t keep secrets from each other, and if/when they do, they talk about it openly and calmly. I love them.

(I have blocked out Kurt/Holly almost entirely. I know it’s canon, but I still don’t believe it was anything other than a plot device to motivate some unnecessary drama in the TGW finale. God, that finale was bad. Ghost Will? Kurt cheating? GENEVA and Peter? GHOST WILL? Even the slap, which is one of my favorite parts, is more powerful as a symbol than as an actual plot development, since (1) Alicia betraying Diane is something Pilot!Alicia would’ve done to any friend to protect her family and (2) it stems from the nonsense about Kurt cheating and Peter tampering with evidence. What a letdown of a finale. The Kings are lucky they got to redeem themselves with TGF.)

(As anyone who’s had a one-on-one convo with me about the TGW finale at any point in the last three years will tell you, I will NEVER tire of discussing it, even if it means rehashing the same points over and over and over.)

I forgot about the thing where it wouldn’t stop storming in season 3.

Don’t have much to say about Kurt devising a plan to help Diane get out of trouble, but I do find it very fun!

OOOOH this is the episode about censorship that got censored!!! If you haven’t already, do read Emily Nussbaum’s piece about the behind-the-scenes drama of this episode. I thought the “this content has been censored” screen where the short would have been was a joke… but it was actually censored. That may be the most interesting thing about this episode.

I want more character-driven plots. I want more Liz and Lucca. I have nothing to say.

Book Club still believes the con artist who brought them together is something other than a con artist. Book Club is not that smart for being a collection of very smart people.

“So the whole group is bullshit?” Liz asks when Diane loops her in. Yes. But also, like, this is what happens when you do illegal shit with a group formed by a literal con artist. Liz may have an excuse for trusting the group (Diane brought her in), but why does DIANE trust them?

“My life is simple, Diane. I have a son. I have a mortgage. I have my job. And I go from home to work and work to home. So this stuff is, this bullshit intrigue… I’m done. Too much drama,” Liz laments, about a week too late. Where was this last week when Liz was like YES LET’S DO CRIMES?

One of my problems with the whole Book Club arc is that it makes very little sense that Liz would get involved in the first place. I understand why she would be sympathetic to their cause and willing to look the other way on their methods… if she were watching a news report about them on TV. She’s too practical, and has too much to lose, to get involved with a group like this.

An NSA nerd is back!! He’s the one warning Diane!

Okay, picking this back up in March 2020 because *gestures at the world* I have time. Like, I have so much free time I’ve finished 9 books in the last 14 days AND finally made it to the episodes of The Sopranos with JMargs. I began watching The Sopranos in 2017.

As I write this, I have no idea if TGF is coming back on April 9th as planned or not. Unless there’s something in the works for season 4 that can’t possibly be left unfinished or air today, I think they should air whatever they have now. TGF is always timely, and while scenes set in an office are suddenly feeling weird and implausible, they’ll probably play better now than in six months. And we’d all forgive the writers if they had to wrap up the arcs through an animated recap song.

It’s been a while since I’ve seen the TGF credits so I rewound to watch the credits. I went to 2 minutes into the episode, then remembered… they’re 20 minutes in.

Y’all. They blow up a purse with hand sanitizer in it. Did they predict this?!

I wrote that preamble and then stopped writing. But now we know that TGF is really coming back on April 9th, which means I have to stop watching The Sopranos and write these things!

Ah, Felix Staples. I haven’t missed you!

Case stuff happens. Really riveting episode, this one. (It is an interesting case, though.)

Kurt saving Diane is pretty fun. But I don’t have anything to say about it and to write about it would just to be to give a half-assed play by play… and why?

Oh WOW, Lucca and Downton Abbey guy is still happening?!

Getting to see Kurt be really competent and caring is the best thing, by far, about the Book Club arc.

Wait, I take that back, Liz’s speech about voter suppression is also pretty high up there-- as long as you ignore the context.

V excited (!!) to get back to Maia’s bullshit in the next few episodes, not because I want to watch it but because if there’s one thing I’m actually motivated to write about, it’s how the show has handled Maia Rindell. Also, they handle the next few episodes well for her.

Oh RIGHT Liz tells ChumHum about her dad’s sexual harassment issues! And Adrian and Liz are finally going to tell the press! It may mean losing Neil Gross, though.

Book Club is over! Wooooooooooooooooooooo! On to more interesting things!!!

Also gone? Downton Abbey guy, who gave an interview about something new and exciting in his life. Lucca thought he was talking about her, and he was talking about some...personality test that sounds like a cult from the way he describes it? AAAAAND I Googled it and yup. It is. What a goofy ending to this arc I didn’t care about. Reminds me of the way the Marilyn arc ended (with a cameo from a celebrity who she was supposedly sleeping with). Glad the actor was so game to poke fun at himself, but is this the best we can do for Lucca?

Diane thinks she took care of the hack and made it go away. Kurt lets her take the credit.

The end!

#the good fight #is coming back soon!!!!#tgfthoughts #yes i still check this thing

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chibivesicle · 5 years

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Golden Kamuy chapter 204. Let’s get that down on film. . .

So with a new GK chapter, it is time to take a look at it. Now, I will admit that this was not a very interesting chapter from my standpoint. I was expecting a switch to the other major parties. Either HIjikata or Tsurumi’s men in the 27th. Instead, there is only a mention of Tsurumi’s orders at the beginning.

Tsukishima (the official leader of the group) reports to everyone that he received a telegram from Tsurumi. He is wrapping things up in Norobitsu (the hot springs) and this is likely in regards to Kikuta and Ariko/Ikopote and their killing of Toni Anji, the fake skin that Ariko has as well as Usami and Nikaido. Therefore, they stay in Toyohara. This is the city where the circus was and we now know that they moved from Shisuka (where Vasily was sniping them now) to Toyohara.

Recall that in chapter 159 there was this handy map showing where everyone was.

Toyohara is known now as Yuzhno-Sakhalinsk (Южно-Сахалинск) and they are about 5 miles from the coast in that location.

Koito concludes that Tsurumi is telling them to stay in that location b/c it must have more accommodations and whatnot to offer them. Being the commanding officer in rank (and not function), he tells everyone they are free to do as they choose in Toyohara. They are to expect Tsurumi to come to them in about 2 weeks.

So with their leave time in the area, the group splits up and does different activities. It starts out with Tanigaki and Cikapasi walking around a recently clear cut area and some sort of industrial mill in the background. They encounter some Karafuto Ainu men and Cikapasi explains that Tanigaki is a well endowed man and they laugh.

I’m not quite sure these two are doing together? Are they just spending their free time exploring the area? Tanigaki has his rifle so perhaps they are hoping to hunt if possible? Either way, he’s glad to have Cikapasi along as his icebreaker and people don’t seem nervous around him even though he’s a Japanese solider. Or are they familiarizing themselves with the surrounding area.

What this does lead to though is a more serious conversation between Cikapasi and Enonoka which I have been anticipating for some time now. Cikapasi brings up the idea of being able to return to Inkarmat (and with Tanigaki) they’d be able to make a real family. Tanigaki makes a soft smile as he replies that they should go back to see her.

But Enonoka overhears them talking about going back to Hokkaido and she’s making the exact face I was expecting her to make when this happened. Her asking about Cikapasi leaving. She’s flushed and sad looking and she looks concerned. Cikapasi seems a bit shocked but there’s a little sweat drop meaning he hasn’t thought about how he would respond to her question.

I’ll get back to these two at the end.

Most of the chapter’s action is around Sugimoto and Asirpa in the woods tracking animals and hoping to hunt. This becomes one of Asirpa’s Ainu cultural moments as she would like to hunt a wolverine since she didn’t see on yet and she wants to taste their brains. Sugimoto seems to think that all brains taste the same but Asirpa seems to think otherwise with reindeer tasting like deer and she makes Ogata nod in response to her comment.

She then goes through a ritual to pray to the kamuy that they will be able to find the animal they seek to hunt. When I first saw this sequence of pages I was underwhelmed. I thought of this as a rehash of Asirpa teaching Sugimoto about Ainu practices.

She beings by explaining that this is now an unnecessary act with more modern items but that they still do this even if it doesn’t serve an actual value directly. But then, this is where her explanation has shifted from before. She tries to put this ritual in the context of the value it brings to the hunter through the action to help focus and clear one’s mind; not just that this is an offering to the kamuy.

Sugimoto reminds her that she’s an Ainu woman for the future but she still does her ‘antiquated’ action. Asirpa becomes very introspective and reflective on her reply. She was set up to be a woman for a new era but she still follows and adheres to many of her Ainu traditions b/c they convey a practical value to the person practicing them.

This leads to her important statement of her asking a rhetorical question. Can she leave her traditions behind? When I first saw this panel I was immediately drawn to her statement here, not b/c of the text but b/c of the emotions that are displayed on her face. Sugimoto is there with her, but she’s questioning herself.

Sugimoto looks surprised and taken a back a little. The angle really shows the protective cover for his head wound, something we haven’t had many glimpses at for awhile. I wonder if this means something to see it here on this page? Does this indicate some change in Sugimoto that can’t occur but can occur in Asirpa?

Even though Koito was all for the group taking a break, I think Koito really wanted to take a break from the group. But the facial expression that Tsukishima shows that he disagrees with this apparent carefree order here. Tsukishima is giving Koito serious side-eye and his facial expression is displeased. . .

Honestly, I think Koito looks tired too, he’s got stress lines under his eyes and i think he wants some time to pamper himself. As much has he likely wants to have some beauty self-care time, it means that Tsukishima will have to continue to follow Tsurumi’s orders. And he does this like we expect him to, with the duty that he presents here. As Sugimoto and Asirpa are hunting, he’s following behind with his rifle at ready and watching them with binoculars. Tsukishima does not trust Sugimoto, and honestly, nor should he!

He senses someone else and turns to see Vasily also watching Sugimoto with binoculars. So he’s now followed them from Shisuka all the way to Toyohara! In attempt to look friendly and non-threatening, Vasily sparkles and nods. Tsukishima tells him to return to Russia.

Asirpa and Sugimoto are now under double surveillance! Really, I don’t see how Sugimoto and Asirpa get out of this situation unnoticed. I’m glad to see that Tsukishima is making sure things don’t go awry. I guess he’s confident Tanigaki will be fine with following orders.

Anyways, back to the action. Asirpa and Sugimoto are approached by men who want Asirpa to redo her ritual again. A wolverine attacks the one man and Asirpa tells them that she will shoot it with her poison arrow. As like before, Sugimoto grabs it and pulls it off of the mans back (though Tsukishima’s kicking was way more badass). At the same time the man with the ushanka moves the camera to face her sensing an opportunity.

As Asirpa turns to shoot the wolverine, Sugimoto notices a second coming up behind her. Asirpa turns and hits the one from behind and Sugimoto actually manages to hit the thrown one with his rifle! Shocking! The man approaches it, but remembering the last one, Sugimoto warns him to not approach until the hairs go down.

The wolverine does pop up again and Asirpa shoots it with a second poison arrow. They then take that time to set up a fire and begin to prep the wolverines and yes, Asirpa and Sugimoto get to share some brains. She even asks Sugimoto if it is “hinna hinna?” This is a change from Asirpa previously, she still did not say “hinna hinna” herself, but she’s asking if it is hinna. She does seem much more even keeled and happy, perhaps it is b/c she was able to just hunt and eat brains.

Then all of a sudden he asks the mysterious eyebrow man who he is and what he’s doing. He says that they were following some Karafuto Ainu men hunting a bear but they got separated - and it shows the men that Tanigaki and Cikapasi talked to earlier.

The final page then reveals that these two men are filming aspects of Ainu culture. They got Asirpa hunting on film and Asirpa looks nervous upon hearing that.

Who are these men? What is their role? @osomanga already had a post to identify their historical models so I won’t go into that here. I’m more interested if one of these men is a convict. . . . I can’t help but shake the feeling one of them could be - Anehata Shiton was a more academic man, yet a convict. These men could also fall into that category.

Overall, I don’t have much to say on this chapter. It was a bit of a disappointment for me. I was totally off in my prediction of where things would go so I’m trying to determine what function this serves.

So crazy hypothesis time.

1. Cikapasi and Enonoka. Enonoka has been great for Cikapasi’s development as a character and she has been a positive influence on him. She gave him the beads for hunting, she has shown him how to be a kid and interact with adults. The two of them became friends and care about each other. I’m not saying they are romantically in love or any silly think like that - but they have come to care for each other.

I personally don’t want Cikapasi to leave her, I think he’s better served by staying in Karafuto with her and joining her family. She isn’t using him or having him help facilitate a goal e.g. like how Inkarmat says he’d be better to travel with them so that they look like a family. I think Inkarmat came to care about him, but Cikapasi is the one who wants Tanigaki and Inkarmat to adopt him when Enonoka naturally accepted him. I will be sad if he leaves her behind, returns to Hokkaido to find out that things with Inkarmat are complicated.

2. Tanigaki. Tanigaki looks fondly at Cikapasi as he talks about going back to see Inkarmat. But here in this chapter he tells Cikapasi, it was good to have him along b/c he made for nice cover. Cover! He doesn’t see Cikapasi as family, he saw him as useful. And poor Cikapasi wants nothing more for them to become a family. Ugh - open your eyes Tanigaki.

If Inkarmat is still alive, she is a hostage to Tsurumi. Tsurumi will use her to keep Tanigaki under control and to work for him either directly or indirectly. Honestly, I think Tanigaki is happier under his guidance. He prefers to follow his orders and he has looked more comfortable since falling back under Tsurumi’s command. What is messed up, is that Tsurumi is the one who fed Inkarmat the info that Kiro killed Wilk and she believed it. This influenced her decision to work with Tsurumi. Tanigaki will likely take the full impact of the tiger curse for killing Kiro out of revenge.

Inkarmat as an Ainu, would not have likely approved of Tanigaki taking the makiri back to stab Kiro to get revenge for her being stabbed. She was able to commit to holding onto the knife b/c she wanted to prove that Kiro was guilty. Tanigaki went on another revenge quest for a woman he cared about. If she is still alive, I don’t think she’ll be proud of Tanigaki.

If Tsurumi is still holding her, perhaps she’ll meet Ariko/Ipopete. He’s got another game plan with the fake skin to supply to Tsurumi so maybe they will end up working together and at the same time hit things off. Plus, Ariko is about as blessed at Tanigaki in the “figure” department.

3. Tsukishima (and by extension Tsurumi) is keeping a tight watch on Sugimoto. He didn’t give the full info from the telegram - he may have received more orders from Tsurumi that he’s to follow through on. Tsurumi still hasn’t made an appearance for a long time - I find it incredibly suspicious he is stalling them in Karafuto. Why have them stop there? Why not come back to Hokkaido. Is Tsurumi coming to them to meet with intel informants in Karafuto? There are Russians in the area; he must know that Sofia was held in Akou since he knew Kiro would head there.

There is ample evidence that Tsurumi’s preferred mode of action is to influence people into doing what he wants them to do and so that they think they are making a free decision to act in the situation. I do not doubt that he’s setting up a trap for Sugimoto. They were rushing so hard to get back to Hokkaido and then, stall for 2 weeks!?!? I’m suspicious. Very suspicious.

He clearly has dug into Sugimoto’s past military record by this point. He knows exactly what happened that got him discharged. Sugimoto will not abandon Asirpa. He knows this. So either he would have to kill Sugimoto - which would be a total hassle but valid since the man is a force to be reckoned with, or he pays him the 200 yen in front of Asirpa and tells her that Sugimoto told Tsurumi that he needed to pay him 200 yen to bring her back to him.

I don’t think Asirpa will react well to being sold out to Tsurumi. She could reject him or Tsurumi gives him the money and then forcefully has him escorted back to the Tokyo area. I could see him going to that extreme.

Or maybe he lets someone else know that he did something or killed someone and gets arrested when the return to Hokkaido.

4. Koito. On the surface, Koito is being a bon bon and he wants to pamper himself in Toyohara. He tells everyone to do as they please and wait until they are to return to Odomari to connect with Tsurumi.

This first makes one think of Koito when he started out with the team. When they arrive in Odomari, he has all of his essential items in his luggage (Spaceballs reference anyone? Am I dating myself by making this comment?).

At first during the mission, Koito was a total pain, he wandered off on his own and even had some day drinking on the clock. Day drinking . . . . come on Koito you are on duty.

This lead to immediate conflict with Sugimoto and gave Tsukishima more grief than he wanted. Also, keep in mind that Koito got attacked by the wolverine not long afterwards . . .

But I’m not here to complain about Koito’s mistakes he made, I am thinking of how his tenor has shifted when Ogata held him at gunpoint. He called him a bon bon in Russian and this connected this past trauma from being kidnapped by Russian kidnappers (Ogata and Tsukishima). This shift occurred after Koito asked for the definition of barchonok.

After learning this - he has connected Ogata to the kidnapping event. He keeps his distance from Tsukishima on the dogsled and gets incredibly impatient and mean to Tsukishima when they are pinned down by Vasily.

I think that Koito told everyone to “do as they please” because he needs time to himself to think The problem with everyone in a group, that is always present and Koito hasn’t been alone. He may want to stay away from everyone else and come to grips with the fact that he likely suspects that Ogata and other members of the 27th kidnapped him on Tsurumi’s orders and everything he’s thought for years has been shattered. Yes, Tsukishima is annoyed that he’s stuck babysitting Sugimoto b/c Koito gave everyone leisure time by not taking responsibility for that order, but I’m going to put my faith in Koito in this one. I think he has doubts about his devotion to Tsurumi and he will likely meet him with his father present again, transported by the navy. I think Koito needs some alone time. With his flashback, it shows that after his brother’s death he was a very lonely and isolated kid. This also shows though that he’s no stranger to being alone with himself and his thoughts which is a good thing when it helps one gain perspective.

5. Asirpa is showing a new level of awareness. This took me several times looking over the panels to realize. At first, I was disappointed, this was just a rehash of Asirpa and Sugimoto hunting. I thought back to this very early chapter where Asirpa’s uncle is talking to Sugimoto. He talks about wolves and Sugimoto is able to learn that Asirpa mourned her father’s death by going into the mountains with Retar.

He then states that Sugimoto joining her in the mountains seems to have helped her to heal. We later learn that Asirpa wasn’t healing in the mountains, she was running away from all of the pain and hurt she was facing with her father’s death and then the loss of Retar. But this isn’t revealed until they are on the ice floe.

So at first, I thought Asirpa out with Sugimoto, was her attempting to heal herself after Kiro’s death and shooting Ogata. It may be part of what is driving her to do that.

But then I thought about the first scene where they meet Kirawus here. Asirpa is simply narrating the post hunting offering to the kamuy.

She is only a conveyor of facts. There is no opinion in her statements nor does she have an introspective thought about these rituals. She’s fine with explaining things to Sugimoto (and others) but she doesn’t think about what they mean or why they do them.

What has changed since in the swamp near Kushiro when they meet Kirawus and now in Toyohata on Karafuto?

Kiro and Ogata happened. And I find myself going back to the fox farm on Karafuto. They are hunting sea lions somewhere. . . .

It is unclear exactly where Wilk’s village was located. We know from Kiro discussing the treaty of St. Petersburg, that the dots on this map are the locations of Ainu villages that moved to Hokkaido.

If we overlay these two maps, it means that Wilk is likely from one of these villages. The manga tells us that Sugimoto and Tsukishima’s group went to Odomori ( Korsakov/Корсаков). Therefore, Wilk was from one of the villages as indicated by the dots and it must have been fairly close to Odomori.

Kiro tells Asirpa that her father saw a light and hope in her for the future (to help the native peoples implied in the statement of course). Asirpa then needs to know the big WHY?

Why did Wilk do all of these things and put her in this position? Kiro tells her that she will find the answer herself during her time in Karafuto. He tells her that she didn’t know all about her father and it shows her following in his footsteps.

While she contemplates the fox farm, imperialism and the abuse of native peoples in the context of colonization, Ogata confirms with Kiro what his plan is. The framing is so key in these panels, Asirpa is in the background three times as Ogata looks at her twice.

Ogata is trying to determine if she is lying or not about what the code could be. Kiro explains that it is best to let her find the answer naturally and to make sure she is on board with them and trusts them. He looks soft and supportive on this page while Ogata looks serious and doubtful. Ogata is at his most comfortable here, he’s rationally thinking about all of the possibilities in the situation.

But it then leads to this dramatic top panel on the next page. Kiro tells him that if they let Asirpa mature on Karafuto on her own. . . she will understand the situation and tell them the key.

As they continue through Karafuto Asirpa learns many things first hand by doing with the group. She observes different customs and the impact of the colonial and imperialist policies on both sides of the border.

Most importantly, she remembers the code. As Kiro is dying, she stops Tsukishima from shooting him b/c she needs to talk to him (to ask if he killed Wilk), but first she tells him that she remembered the code. Kiro’s entire plan worked, Sofia was able to get Asirpa to make the connection and Ogata and Asirpa know that she knows the code.

She thanks him and with that Kiro can die somewhat at peace despite sacrificing everything to his cause. Kiro’s actions served a purpose. The immediate one was for her to remember the code.

However, that wasn’t all. When they are later in the Nivk village with injured Ogata and Tsukishima, Asirpa makes a comment how the Nivk are similar yet different from the Ainu - this is a subtle thing that Kiro wanted her to realize. Kiro’s goal was always to get Asirpa to see the situation of the native peoples and to help fulfill Wilk’s goal to form a confederation to stop the spread of colonialism.

So now back to this page. Asirpa is wondering what her role is in the world. Why does she continue to follow old traditions? How does she leave them behind? Can she leave them behind?

This is totally different language than she previously used when discussing Ainu customs and traditions. She likely wonders if she is trapped by them.

I personally read that this has a second meaning. Asirpa has realized that she is trapped by her situation. Wilk set her up to be a natural leader of the Ainu to fight colonialism. Kiro wanted to educate her about her father and become a partisan. Hijikata learned from Wilk that she’s the key to the gold. Tsurumi also knows that she is the only key to the gold since he couldn’t break the code with the current skins in his possession. Tsukishima and Koito are there to make sure she gets it to Tsurumi. She’s also trapped in her partnership with Sugimoto who thinks he’s best to relieve her of the burden (but he’ll also get a benefit as well for Umeko).

Lastly, the chapter ends with the two men who want to record her culture - not only is it rude to ask her to repeat a ritual a second time, but it highlights that she is seen as something to be studied. This also implies that there is a fear that it may be lost.

#golden kamuy #gk meta #golden kamuy meta #asirpa #sugimoto saichi #kiroranke #tsukishima hajime #koito otonoshin #tsurumi tokushirou #cikapasi #inkarmat #enonoka #tanigaki genjirou #wilk #ogata hyakunosuke

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fallout2282 · 4 years

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The Office of the President, Hall of Congress

Shady Sands, New California Republic

Yulia Arteaga sat in her office chair, fiddling with the Two Headed Bear Flag pin between her fingers. She unclasped it, bringing it up to her chest so that she might wear it at her heart, as was customary. It was a gift from her predecessor, a symbol of office. She wanted nothing of Kimball’s and she refused to watch as her staff moved his portrait into storage, replacing it with a painting to rival it, depicting her own visage. She stood for four hours so that the artist they commissioned, someone from her home state, the Boneyard, could accurately transfer her image to the canvas. She wore the pin in the painting too, a detail added afterwards. It had originally belonged to President Tandi, the Great Mother, before being passed along to Tibbett, Peterson, Kimball, and now her. It was a symbol of office, no matter what she wore, as long as she carried that pin it was like she like she radiated with the commanding aura of high office. Her predecessor, now retired against his will to some ranch outside the Hub, preferred old world style suits where as Yulia was often accused of looking something like a cross between a field hand and a factory worker. She liked the brahmin leather vest her Bear Flag was now pinned to, and the earthy tones of her checkered button up and slacks. She wore the same outfit in the painting. The artist thought it fitting, she was the young populist who was taking California by storm. Her majority in Congress was secure, now that Chief Hanlon won the race in Redding and was now Senator Hanlon. She was going to need the allies in the months to come as it became apparent making peace was far more complicated than making war. A detail Kimball neglected to mention when he handed over the keys to the Republic. Her train of thought was interrupted when the door to her office flew open.

“Yulia! You’ll never believe it. Dennis Crocker agreed to stay on until the drafting process for the treaty is finished. It’s just like you said, maybe he really is different from those other Kimball holdovers after all. He thinks you should meet with Chief Executive-” It was her aid, Maxim. He had been with her since her days as a labor organizer in Adytum. He managed her campaign for an Angel’s Boneyard council seat and didn’t even ask for an appointment to some cushy job in the bureaucracy. Although, being aide to the president came with similar guarantees of job security and long term financial security.

“It’s Madame President now, Maxim.” She made the deals, led the censure, and cast the first vote of Kimball’s downfall. She earned her position. Now she just had to keep it, and that meant any deal with New Vegas had to insure the lights stayed on. At least until the project she arranged with the Followers of the Apocalypse was complete. It would be funny if it wasn’t so frustrating. The Mojave Campaign was Kimball’s war, and he lost his job over it. Now it seemed most of her job was picking up the pieces, when she had campaigned on an extensive program promising to fix the many problems at home.

“The answer is no. I’ll give it my signature, but Crocker can shake that man’s hand. He knows if the deal screws us, I’ll screw him harder. I like the good Ambassador, but if he expects to come back to a career he has to earn it. Speaking of which, draw me up a list of candidates to take his place once the negotiations are finished. If his plan does work I’ll want him running for a seat here in the next election. I know Thaler’s will soon be up for grabs, and he might act like a friend, but we all know he didn’t vote with us when we got rid of Kimball. His days on the council are numbered.”

“Yes, Madame President. My apologies Madame President. I will send out word to the State Department to have a list drawn up at once. As for Councilman Thaler, we should avoid alienating him until after the vote tomorrow. He has been more than supportive of the Crimson Caravan inquiry. Alice McLafferty was forced out of her post in the Mojave branch, it’s practically an admission of guilt on their part. If he thinks we intend to endorse someone else for his seat, he could end up voting with Senator Morales. And if Morales rallies the governors then they will certainly shut down the investigation and shut down this investigation” her aide said with great uncertainty. She couldn’t blame him for his skepticism. Aaron Kimball was wildly popular until he wasn’t. All Yulia had to do was alienate the wrong person and she could lose her majority. Then it would be all over.

“Have a little more confidence in me, Maxim. I didn’t win the Presidency for the novelty of it. I intend to hold on to this seat for as long as I can. The people aren’t so fickle as to turn on me yet. Thaler will vote for me because if he doesn’t again, then it is a certainty he will lose his seat. I might have been a councilor for Adytum, but I was born in Shady Sands. Now I represent all of California. And it’s about some time someone stood up to the merchant houses. And don’t call the representatives from Hub that, their heads are already big as it is” She was right, and Maxim knew it too when she said it. Yulia had always spoken truth to power, and now she was the power. Not the only one, granted. That’s just how it was in democracies. Still, that wouldn’t stop her from using the authority she was given to hold her colleagues to account.

“We can discuss tomorrow’s vote later. There’s still a lot of other work to be done. Have we received a report from General Hsu yet? What’s the status of the withdrawal?” Military matters were the one aspect of governing she was new to. She had coordinated with the military in the past, back in Adytum during one of the multiple operations against the raider gangs that are pervasive in the Boneyard. Yet she only ever acted as a point of contact then, now she was Commander in Chief.

Maxim cleared his throat, “Slowly, but surely Madame President. The General and the Ambassador were able to convince the new management in New Vegas to allow a handful of our forces to remain at the Dam and watch over our civilian personnel that will stay there. Long term arrangements haven’t been decided yet, but the General is unsure of the prudence in leaving the Dam in the hands of those... robots. He seems uncertain if we even have a choice in the matter. You’ve already seen the projections. A renewed conflict is not likely to be in our electoral interests. As for the full withdrawal to Mojave Outpost, we are expecting the last of our forces to be safely within the border in three weeks time.”

“Sooner we conclude this business the better. What of the Legion? The rangers set out after the battle to scout their territory and I’ve yet to see a report land on my desk. I would hate to leave our new friends on the Strip defenseless against such savages.” Yulia folded her arms, leaning back against the desk.

“The robots were actually quite thorough in their assault on Fortification Hill. The military seems to think the enemy was quite completely demolished. Caesar had died three months earlier, reportedly of a botched attempt to remove tumors from his brain. As for the rest of the Legion’s leadership, they are all believed to have perished in the battle.” Now he was just rehashing what she already knew.

“What about the east? Arizona... New Mexico. Those places. I recall from the archives we sent scouts out that way decades ago. There are people out there. The Legion’s people. What will happen to them?” That was the real question. If Kimball had succeeded, if the NCR had annexed New Vegas, would they have been next? Would the NCR have kept going? Just like the old world. That she didn’t like to imagine.

“Our commanders speculate what is left of the Legion will converge on Flagstaff. That I suppose you would call the Legion’s capital. It’s also where Caesar left his heirs, supposedly. General Hsu has assured us that the Legion isn’t a threat to the Mojave, let alone us here in California.” Maxim knew as much as she did. They would both be left to wonder until the rangers they sent east reported in. It could be months, and that’s if any of them managed to cross back over the Colorado.

The Mojave Campaign began decades ago, back then the NCR only had to contend with the same raider tribes they had been fighting and beating for generations. Jackals, Vipers, Khans, all scattered to the wastes. The war with the Legion only began in 2277 when their warband attempted to seize Hoover Dam the first time. All the while her country was being bled try. More lives and more money than she could imagine. Costlier than every other war fought in California combined. Not mentioned in official reports, the rumor was General Lee Oliver died not at the hands of the Legion, but after the battle had already ended. Thrown off of the side of the dam by one of the robots that now defended New Vegas. She chose not to ask if it was true when she received her first briefing from the military, after all it allowed blame for the defeat to fall squarely on Kimball’s shoulders. And he deserved it. She wouldn’t make his mistakes.

“I can’t tell if we were lucky, or unlucky. We won the battle and still lost the war.” She chuckled at the irony, at the sheer stupidity of it all. “We saved the damn... dam, and it doesn’t even seem like we’ll be able to keep it. First we get strung along by the seemingly-immortal Mr. House, and now we’re negotiating with a former Vault dweller with a gambling addiction? We clearly didn’t play our cards right, even though for all intents and purposes we had a winning hand.”

Maxim nodded in agreement, ever willing to play the sycophant. “Poor governance ultimately makes for poor policy decisions, Madame President. I believe you will lead us towards a much brighter future. One where the people of New Vegas are our friends, not subjects.”

“Friends? We’ll just see what terms Crocker wins for us. I’ve no intention of getting us into another war, if that’s what your concern is. Still need to see about making states out of the territories up north before I go looking for more outside of our borders. Congress can’t deny the territories real representation forever. We give Arroyo and Klamath statehood, and I won’t have to worry about losing my majority for as long as I’m President.” She sighed, “First we need to see about officially ending this war and bringing our men and women in uniform back from the front. Once the withdrawal is complete we’ll set up the podium in front of the statue of Tandi in Republic Square. It won’t just be to welcome the troops home, but another state of the republic address.”

“Very good, Madame President. I also brought that report you requested last week. It took some time for the rangers to compile it. This one’s complete at least. I thought you would want to have a look at it before the committee did.” On the desk next to Yulia, her aide placed a folder that was so full of paper that it was nearly as thick as some of the books in her office.

Yulia took one look at the folder’s contents, thumbing through the various pages of eye witness testimony collected in the Mojave and official statements by other officials in the NCR. This one file alone would could take up the rest of her afternoon just to read. “One question, Maxim.” She pursed her lips, her curiosity piqued.

“What’s that Madame President?” “Who the hell is this Courier?”

#fallout #fallout new vegas #fnv fanfic #fnv headcanon #fallout fanfic #NCR

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heka-write · 5 years

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Merlin Rewrite: Conclusion and Extra’s

Uther’s Death

As much as I dislike Uther, I did feel like he was robbed of a death scene that did his role in the show justice. Uther was the main source of conflict in the beginning of the show, so his death should have marked the turning point. Instead, I feel like we got the same villain-of-the week routine because his death was more focused on Merlin trying to save him than his actual relationships and beliefs.

I would have liked Uther’s death to force him to reevaluate his beliefs on magic, at least his attitudes towards magic people. I don’t see him being redeemed in death, but I could see a moment of nuance where he shows he can be kind, despite all the evil he has caused.

Again, I think his children would represent the conflict between magic and non magic very well. Arthur is the ideal son, and Morgana would represent the darkness that he tried to keep away.

I could see Uther’s death being a rehash of season 1 where Morgana tries and fails to kill him because of her own conscience. She once again teams up with the Big Bad, going to kill the tyrant King, but realizes she can’t because she has a bond with him, regardless of everything.

I feel like at this point in the story Uther would know Morgana has magic, either in that moment or because he learned earlier. I find it interesting that in season 1 and 2 the writers spend so much time showing him be strict with her, punishing her and not listening to her. Then season 3 comes around, she is now evil, and they show him do nothing but dote on her. It’s quite jarring and makes Morgana’s fears less founded.

I would have kept his relationship with her that he had in season 1. Where she was the rebellious warden who he showed kindness to, despite being harsh on her. I would have had the moment right before he die be where it is revealed that he is her father. Morgana tries to kill him, fails, and he is surprisingly not violent towards her. He is upset that she has magic, but is touched that she can’t go through with the finishing blow. It is revealed that he is her father, and while he does not change his mind about magic he does tell her that he cares for her, despite her magic. This moment makes Morgana question her alliance with the dark side, and regret trying to kill him since he is usually so harsh with her and magical people in general.

I could see someone else coming in and dealing the final blow to Uther. Morgana is at his side, regretful and confused on how to deal with the situation.

I think that point would be great to start the Morgana vs Arthur rivalry the series relies on. Arthur could arrive at the scene, knowing Morgana aligned with the enemies and assuming she did it. That moment would solidify his hatred towards her, and him following his father’s footsteps and continuing the war on magic.

I think this would be the best moment for Morgana to leave Camelot, and continue her journey to find her morality on her own. This would be the moment where the war between Uther’s children starts, and the fight against magic continues.

I could see Merlin coming in and trying to ease the situation, but realizing he is at the crossroads of these two sides, and the war. I think this version of his death would be more beneficial because the reason for Uther’s death would be Morgana, not Merlin’s failed attempts. This would give him more reason later on to actually try to convince Arthur that magic isnt’ inherently bad because he wouldn’t be resistant due to a past mistake.

I feel like this scenario would make Uther’s death a lot more significant, and have a better effect on the characters.

The Knights of Camelot

I didn’t focus on these characters much in this post because I had always felt the series had surrounded the core four - Merlin, Arthur, Gwen and Morgana. The secondary characters felt like Gauis, Uther, and Merlin’s mother (in the earlier seasons at least). They seemed to become prominent later on, and I think I would have also made them prominent in the show, but built them up a bit better. I also would have made them affect the main plot more, rather than being used for villain of the week episodes or comedy.

Lancelot was built up really nicely because we saw him in the beginning with a bit of backstory, and he had a role to play in the plot later on. Granted, that role was sacrificing himself for Merlin and the love triangle and I wouldn’t have done that necessarily, but I would have tied the rest of the Camelot Knights in the show in a similar manner.

It would have been especially easy with Elyan, we could have gotten some flashbacks of him and Gwen when they were younger, explaining their backstory and fleshing them out both in the process.

Another thing I feel like the writer’s should have done was give more than one of them magic. Mordred brought an interesting dynamic to the group, but knowing he ultimately betrayed them felt like another way of the show pushing the “anyone against Camelot is automatically gonna be evil” agenda. If more than one Knight had magic and stayed loyal to Arthur, that would be another barrier broken in the traditions. It would have made for interesting conflict and further the show’s themes.

I think the Knights could have added a larger cast to the show and make room for a lot more interesting interactions and conflict, but as they are they feel like background accessories.

Conclusion

While I did love watching this show, there were so many problems. There were so many things I wish they had changed. That being said, I still love this show and hope people can understand why I think things should have been done differently. The main problem was the lack of moral complexity that the first season did address a lot better than the rest of the series. It always pains me to see lost potential in a story or TV show, so I felt the need to vent about it and hope everyone who read it enjoyed my thoughts.

#merlin #bbc merlin #merthur #arthur pendragon #morgana pendragon #blog #essays

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anotheruserwithnoname · 5 years

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Thoughts on Mary Poppins Returns

I’ve fallen behind on my current-movie viewing due to a number of factors (the only cinema screenings I’ve been to in the last 6 months in fact have been Aquaman at Christmas and twice to see Alita Battle Angel a few weeks ago), but I’m getting caught up as the blu-rays come out. I saw Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse last night and will comment about it later (the tl;dr - good movie, a treasure trove for fans of pop culture, but looks awful on Blu-ray due to the textures used and I still think Incredibles 2 was more deserving of the Best Animated Feature Oscar), but since I actually invoked Mary Poppins Returns in a post I did about Alita yesterday, I thought I’d give some thoughts on this one first.

A spoiler/length break first as I get a bit wordy. I also do touch on some mild spoilers.

The Good

* Emily Blunt. Being unfamiliar with her other musical work, I was not prepared for how good a singer she is. Whether she stacks up to Julie Andrews is in the ear of the beholder, but I thought she was great. She wisely didn’t base her Mary on Julie, in the process giving us a slightly more cynical, world-weary Mary appropriate for someone with a quarter century more life experiences and adventures. I heard some reviewers call her a sexier Mary than Julie’s. I say nonsense to that - they’re equal (the only difference being Emily having a bit more innuendo in one of her songs, which I’ll mention later). One other comment is that when she played Mary, Julie Andrews was not an experienced film actress with only a few TV and film credits prior to Poppins - she was more a stage actress (her lack of screen experience was one of the reasons why Audrey Hepburn got the role of Eliza Doolittle for the My Fair Lady movie instead of Julie); Emily, by contrast, has been making movies and TV shows since 2003, so she has a level of screen-confidence that adds contrast to her performance.

* Lin-Manuel Miranda. Not being overly interested in Hamilton, Miranda has never been on my radar, so I came into this with a clear slate. He is a terrific addition to the film, he commands the screen (even stealing a couple of scenes from Emily, much as Dick van Dyke did from Julie), and director Rob Marshall wisely gives him a couple of Broadway show-like sequences and lets him go wild. This wasn’t his first film role - he has a number of movie and TV credits - but this is his first lead in a major film, and it won’t be his last.

* The kids. The three child actors chosen come off like 25 year olds who have been transplanted into pre-teen brains. Amazing. If they ever decide to remake Harry Potter, they could do worse than consider these three.

* Nackvid Keyd. Although this person’s cameo was I think intended to be a surprise, the trailers and other promotions give it away. Nonetheless, I’m going to keep it spoiler-free for those who haven’t seen it, by using the actor’s pseudonym here. He’s only on screen for about 3 minutes but it’s an amazing 180 seconds - and to both his and the director’s credit, "Mr. Keyd” actually doesn’t upstage the current cast. And his inclusion - as well as a cameo by another veteran of the original film - shows respect to the original film.

* Angela Lansbury. Her cameo (which I don’t think was intended to be quite the same level of surprise as Mr. Keyd’s) was amazing. This was a woman who made her screen debut in the 1944 Ingrid Bergman film Gaslight. Here, she plays a character equivalent to the first movie’s bird woman (though a little more sprightly). It’s widely believed this part was originally meant to be played by Julie Andrews, but Julie, to her credit, reportedly felt appearing in the film would take away from Emily Blunt (similar to how an alleged plan to have Sean Connery appear in Daniel Craig’s Bond film Skyfall as the groundskeeper was wisely dropped in favour of bringing Albert Finney in for the role. Soon as Sean appeared on screen, Daniel would have been done).

* Replicating the look of the original film. There are some scenes where this doesn’t apply, in particular the use of actual locations in London (the original film was all shot on soundstages in Hollywood), but the attention to detail in replicating iconic locations like Cherry Tree Lane, the Banks’ home, etc., is amazing, even allowing for it not being 100% the same - which is understandable since, after 25 years, you would expect a room to get a fresh coat of paint. There’s a touching featurette on the Blu-ray where “Nackvid Keyd” visits the Cherry Tree Lane set and is amazed at the detail.

The meh...

1. The music. Despite my praise for the cast, I was less impressed by the music (even though I bought the CD). Granted, the original score has had more than 50 years to become iconic, and there are a few songs here that could rise to the same level in a half-century. But, at least for me, they never delivered another “Feed the Birds” or “Chim Chim Cheree”. In fact, some of the songs felt almost like pastiches of the Sherman Brother’s originals. The closest to something that felt brand-new was a rap-like song performed by Miranda during the animated sequence, “Cover is Not the Book” (it actually works, while actually referencing something similar that Dick Van Dyke did in the original.)

The not so good

1. They call it a sequel, but, really, it’s more a remake. I’m not alone in noting that the film duplicates the original almost beat for beat. The order of events is similar, the types of songs are similar. Some of the songs sound similar to the earlier versions, even. Instead of acrobatic chimney sweeps, we have acrobatic leeries who go around lighting street lamps. Instead of Uncle Albert who floats when he laughs, we have Aunt Topsy who, for whatever reason, has a condition where her entire world turns upside down once every two weeks. George Banks becomes dejected over apparently losing his job at the bank; Michael Banks becomes dejected over apparently losing his house due to the bank - and both have epiphanies thanks to someone singing them songs. Both films have big production numbers set in animated alternate universes and another involving airbourne objects in the park. Etc. The only really original thing here plotwise is while the original film actually had no villain (George Banks comes the closest to being an antagonist, but even then he barely qualifies), here there is an actual clearly defined villain, as well as a scene or two of actual jeopardy which we never saw in the original. More on this momentarily.

2. The tone is all over the place ... and too much of it is kinda depressing. We know a film set in the height of the Great Depression isn’t going to be all goodness and light, and the ironic tone of the opening number, “Underneath the Lovely London Sky” sets that out clearly (and quite effectively - it’s one of the best scenes in the film). When Mary arrives, Jane and Michael assume she’s out of work and destitute so they take her in out of kindness. And the whole film revolves around Michael possibly losing his family home. Yet ... I thought too much of it was downright sad. Ben Whishaw - another actor I had no idea could sing - gives an amazing performance of “A Conversation” in which Michael talks to his dead wife. But as that description suggests, this isn’t “I Love to Laugh Redux”. In fact it’s such a sad sequence that it takes you right out of the film - which is a bad thing considering the song is performed only about 10 minutes in. They might have been better off saving it for later.

3. There are also aspects of the film that I think violate the spirit of the original Mary Poppins - and possibly PL Travers’ books too. The “Cover is Not the Book” sequence, which is great and probably the closest to a truly memorable original song (I’d have chosen it for the Oscar nomination over “Place Where the Lost Things Go” which was an attempt at replicating “Feed the Birds”), contains some off-colour jokes delivered by both Mary and Jack that really felt out of place. I’m not being prudish on this, and the off-colour bit is mild, but this being Mary Poppins it was still jarring. And a chase sequence, although well done and exciting - and for fans of the original film providing a dark bookend to 1964′s steeplechase sequence - likewise felt like it belonged in another movie. It was almost as if Disney - in a stark contrast to the days when the reverse was true - refused to release a G-rated movie so they had to add a few bits to get the PG. Sort of like how an F-bomb will sometimes pop up in scripts to ensure a movie gets bumped from PG to PG-13 (which famously allows for one F-word before triggering an R rating). Because no one is possibly interested in watching a G-rated movie in the late 2010s, apparently.

So, I guess, I am rather critical of Mary Poppins Returns. I feel not enough was made of the opportunity to create something new, rather than a rehash of the original.

But - don’t get me wrong, it is still a quality film and I’m glad I have the Blu-ray. The cast does a fantastic job, the music isn’t bad (I just felt they didn’t come up with anything as instantly iconic as the songs back in 1964), and once you get past some of the depressing bits it’s a fun film. So I’d still give it a solid 7 out of 10 and I do recommend it. Just maybe don’t watch it right after the original.

#mary poppins returns #armchair movie criticism

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theycallmebeccawrites · 5 years

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Perfectly Imperfect: Chapter 6

With Tumblr holding my original writing blog @beccaheartschrisevans captive (aka flagged as explicit), I have made a secondary writing blog and may end up closing the other all together. In the meantime, I am reposting all of my stories on my new blog.

Pairing: Chris Evans x Wren Arnold (OFC)

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: n/a

Disclaimer: This work of fiction is not to be reposted, used or translated without my permission.

Perfectly Imperfect Masterlist | Chris & Wren Masterlist

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

August through October 2020

After Wren left, Chris spent the first two days mad at her for the way she had forced him to tell her about Jessa. He'd already felt like a massive failure, but now that his best friend knew, he felt like even more of one.

Not to mention that he had been completely blindsided by her announcement. So much so that the full impact of her sudden departure didn't hit him until Sunday night when his brother showed up at the house with Addy, who'd spent the weekend with his mom. Wren being gone meant that he had no one to help him out with Addy for the next week or the weeks after that. He waited until after Addy was in bed to call his mom and see if she and/or his sisters could help him out at all.

The biggest adjustment to the schedule was that Addy started attending daycare every day. For the first two days, it was ok but by Wednesday the toddler started acting out. It started during dinner with his mom and siblings; Addy was fine one minute and then screaming and crying for Wren the next.

Chris did his best to console her, but nothing he did could change the fact that Wren had abandoned her. It took the better part of two hours to get Addy to fall asleep and then Chris had to leave her at his mom's house because he had an early call time the next morning. It broke his heart to leave his little girl there when she was so upset, but he didn't have a choice.

As the week progressed, Addy's temper tantrums got worse and began to remind Chris of the ones that they had experienced shortly after he and Addy had moved out of his mom's house. She would be perfectly fine one moment and then dissolve into a puddle of tears and flinging limbs. Each time, it took him hours to settle her down.

By Friday night, Chris's anger with Wren reached a boiling point. He was livid with her for the way that she had just waltzed out of their lives like it was no big deal, like they would be perfectly fine without her. Especially after she had all but forced him to tell her about Jessa not wanting Addy. That fact alone should have stopped her from leaving, but no, his former best friend had run out of their lives like her pants were on fire.

His mom's annual end of summer barbeque was that weekend and Chris hoped Wren would show up so he could have words with her, but unlike years previous, neither she nor her parents came. He tried to drink away the unease that settled in his chest over their absence, but it only proved to be his downfall. All the angry thoughts he'd had about Wren during the week forced themselves out of his mouth and he spewed them to anyone who would listen.

Chris woke up the next morning with a killer hangover and a sick feeling that had nothing to do with the amount of drinking he'd done the night before. He couldn't remember everything he had said, but he remembered enough to know it had been bad.

Scott was the one to draw the short straw, or so he claimed, and escorted Chris out of their mom's house with the promise of a greasy breakfast. It was over their choice hangover food at a local hole-in-the-wall dinner that Scott laid all the cards on the table.

"Wren did not abandon Addy," he stated. "She did not abandon you, either. She isn't Jessa, Chris. Besides, you knew from the very beginning of this whole arrangement that she was going to go back to work in the fall."

Chris didn't argue with him, because logically he knew that his brother was speaking the truth. It didn't, however, softened the blow that was Wren walking out of his and Addy's lives.

"Maybe you should talk to someone," his brother suggested. "What you went through with Jessa changed you, Chris. The past week shows that you're still holding onto a lot of anger towards her, but it came out towards Wren and not the person you're really mad at."

Chris took Scott's word to heart and arranged for a therapist to meet with him one day a week during his lunch break on set. The first session was the awkward get to know you type that left him feeling frustrated and ready to call it all off, but he stuck with it. Following the second and third appointments, he felt a little better after getting things off his chest. He found he was still angry with Jessa, but he didn't want to punch a wall every time he thought of her anymore.

As part of his healing process, Chris realize he had to change things for himself and Addy. His mom and sisters were making it work, but he hated the nights when Addy stayed with them and he hated that he hardly got to spend any time alone with her. Sure, they had their weekends, but they'd spent more of those weekends with her in front of the TV while he tried to tackle all the household chores that fell by the wayside during the week.

It was during one of their rare full weekends together that he finally had a chance to teach Addy how to ride a bicycle with training wheels. As he watched her pedal her heart out, the solution to his problem presented itself in the form of his next door neighbor, Miss Loretta. Addy was delighted to see the 60-something year-old woman and Chris vaguely recalled Wren mentioning the woman to him in one of their chats earlier in the summer.

Miss Loretta was a widowed woman whose four grandsons had been students of Wren's. She had retired shortly after her oldest grandson had been born and had spent the last several years playing nanny to her grandkids, but they were all in school now which left her lots of time for volunteering.

It took Chris a week after meeting Miss Loretta to offer her the job as Addy's nanny and his part time housekeeper. She accepted immediately and started the next week. The change in Addy was almost overnight after they'd gotten her back to the schedule she'd been on during the summer. She still attended daycare five days a week, but left either right before or right after lunch and took naps at home.

During the first week of October, Chris used a day off from filming to take Addy to see the therapist that was helping him work out his Jessa issues. Things had gotten better since Miss Loretta had taken over Addy's care, but Chris still wanted to make sure his little girl was ok. Having two women who she dearly loved walk out of her life within months of each other couldn't be good. Not that he had mentioned Wren to the therapist yet. That was a whole different situation, one that he himself wasn't entirely sure about.

Addy was hesitant, at first, when they arrived at the therapist's office, but once she saw all the toys there were to play with, she had all but run into the room. Chris sat in the room next door watching her interactions with the therapist through a one-way mirror. The session lasted only thirty minutes or so before the therapist came into where Chris was waiting and assured Chris that, at that time, Addy appeared to be a perfectly normal 3-year-old.

It wasn't until Chris's next session that the therapist brought up the topic that Addy had talked about most: Wren.

"Wren is or was, I don't know exactly what she is now, but we were best friends," Chris explained. "She helped me with Addy this summer, but took a job out of state in early August."

"And how did that make you feel?" the therapist asked. "Especially on the heels of Jessa leaving the two of you."

The question forced Chris to rehash what he had told the therapist during their first meeting, but this time, he had included the parts about Wren. The first time, he had sort of glossed over her, but he knew he couldn't this time. He found that once he started talking about Wren, he couldn't stop.

Even after his appointment ended, Wren stayed at the forefront of his mind. He was able to finish the work day and do what he needed with Addy, but after that, his mind became an instant replay of the moments in his and Wren's life together.

He remembered the first time he kissed her and the way his lips had tasted like her blue raspberry chapstick after the kiss. The fact that he remembered the flavor surprised him, especially since he couldn't remember recall what the perfumes that Jessa or any of his previous girlfriends had worn without walking past the scent.

From there, his mind traveled to his senior prom and the way that Wren had sought him out after his date had gotten back together with her ex. He had been ready to leave the prom, but she had talked him into staying and had even offered to be his date for the rest of the night since she'd come with a group of friends.

Then came the memories of the stupid antics they'd gotten into in their twenties. Like the time he'd visited her at school and snuck into the girls only dorm and then had nearly gotten discovered by the resident assistant. Or that New Year's Eve when they'd stayed up all night talking and hadn't gone to bed until the sun had come up on January 1st.

All that thinking led him to one conclusion: Wren had taken a piece of his heart with her when she'd left and, with every memory that flickered across his brain, the hole got a little bigger. It was in the wee hours of the morning that the truth of the situation punched him in the gut: he had lost his best friend and he had no one to blame but himself.

Chapter 7

Want to find me off tumblr? I'm @beccatheycallme on twitter. I also post my stories on AO3.

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#chris evans #theycallmebecca #beccaheartschrisevans #theycallmebeccawrites #chris evans fanfic #chris evans fanfiction #chris evans fan fiction #perfectly imperfect #chris and wren #chris evans x ofc #chris evans as a dad #chris evans x original female character

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lostsolsdestinyblog · 6 years

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Destiny, matchmaking, SBMM, CBMM and the perspectives and attitudes of the different sides of the community

July 27, 2018

I'd like to take some time to talk about Destiny, matchmaking, SBMM, CBMM and the perspectives and attitudes of the different sides of the community. This has been an issue for a long time now and it's hitting another crescendo with not just the move back to 6v6 Quickplay, but this announcement from DMG and Derek Carroll today regarding matchmaking in QP. I've posted on this issue in the past and I think it's time to take another realistic look at matchmaking within the game and how it's working and who it's really benefiting. As I wrote in that post from way back when, there is a lot that goes into matching players in Destiny. Anyone who has continuously fast traveled on Mars to try to find an EP group understands that the first criteria the game tries to match players on is region. This is also the case in PvP as players like CammyCakes would use this pre-private matches to set up scrims and Trials players will change hosts to try to find more favorable opponents in different regions. So understanding that, it then branches out to many other factors in a complex algorithm to try to put players together. This will vary a bit from PvE where if there are no favorable matchups, the game can place players in their own instance and then matchmake others in from there. PvP obviously gets more complex, but the game is still trying to match players as quickly as possible because no one wants to sit in queues all day. Now here is where things get all wonky at least on the community end. Two of the bigger factors after region are SBMM and CBMM. These have both existed within Destiny matchmaking from day one despite claims that SBMM was only added in later on. While both did exist, they have been weighted differently throughout the course of the game sometimes favoring one more than the other. However, even with that knowledge it's not that cut and dry. Fireteams. As I stated in the post I linked, you can sing the praises of CBMM or SBMM until the cows come home, but neither can account for team compositions when players are going in grouped in a fireteam. Connection based matchmaking cannot account for players who are spread out all across the country or world who are in one fireteam together, just like it also can't account for the varying skill levels of all the players within a team. Could the game try to approximate and go from a median skill level? Maybe, but the other wildcard in all of this is that other players of similar skill or good connection quality have to be sitting in orbit in queue at the same 30-45 second window as you and not still be in a match or not in queue yet. All this has been. All this is, and all this will be again. That is a universal truth. Another universal truth is that someone is going to hate whatever system is in place while someone else loves it and that puts Bungie in the unenviable position of trying to make everyone happy when it's an impossible task. That is why ultimately I still believe the D1 approach of trying to find the right balance in weighting between the two was the best approach. Unfortunately the SBMM rebellion happened and ultimately it played a huge role in the direction Bungie went with D2. I don't want to rehash completely why I still believe the SBMM revolt was fundamentally wrong and the falsehoods of many of the claims, but I will speak on the initial complaint that lit the fuse and that was players feeling they were always in "sweaty" matches. This started with prominent content creators and was picked up and echoed by viewers. I know there is a tendency to lay the blame for everything players don't like about D2 at the feet of streamers and YouTubers and while this is not the case, they are also not without fault on some things. The general sentiment was that elite players couldn't ever relax and have fun because they were constantly "forced'' to play nothing but other elite players. The flip side to that coin of course is that their relaxing and having fun was achieved by smearing lower skilled players. This wasn't fun for those players and in year one of Destiny led to a very big problem of players just quitting out of matches as soon as the score even looked like it might get tilted (leading to the increased importance of SBMM in year 2). Unfortunately when the great SBMM revolt occurred, there was a lot of weight behind the message from very high profile people in the community and the other side just didn't have the same voice to speak with; which brings me to Destiny 2 and the past couple of days in particular. People like to say in loud voices the things players never asked for like crucible going to all 4v4, weapon changes, etc. And while technically that may be correct in the literal sense, the truth of the matter is that all the changes that happened with D2 were the developers trying to give players what they felt we wanted the game to be through all of our feedback. We didn't ask for 4v4, but what the community did ask for were games with better connections, and smoother play and going back to matchmaking, fireteams and all the variables of trying to group 12 players, lowering the player count to 8 allowed for a greater chance at better matchups. This was also the reason for the move to playlists rather than static game modes to queue for. On paper it is easy to see the upsides to all of it when weighed against player complaints from D1. Life is full of variables though and another is player population and as that dipped, it threw all of it out the window. There were no longer the extra players in queue from having 4 less in each match and only 2 playlists. The devs made a decision and they took a chance and it didn't work how they wanted. That happens and I give them all the credit in the world for owning that and resolving to make the game better. But going back to the split playlists, Quickplay and Competitive, this is something that bothered me before release and will lead into where we're at today. There was very vocal call for a ranked playlist in Destiny 2 and at launch many complaints from prominent players that Comp didn't go far enough and wasn't a true ranking system to show off skill. The reason this bothered me then is that we went through the SBMM revolt because elite players didn't like having to get sweaty all the time, but then in almost the same breath they're asking for ranked play. It made no sense at the time and we've seen this throughout D2 but really brought front and center since the last update that the ''elite'' players don't want to play ranked play. I was watching a stream yesterday discussing the topic and one of the things brought up was a top level PvP player who very publicly ''quit'' D2 earlier this year now ''loving'' Destiny again because they can go into QP and put up 60 kills. And to the credit of some viewers, it was pointed out that Quickplay maybe isn't all that fun for the lower skill players on the receiving end of those beatings, but the on stream reply was that casuals should play in Competitive if they want to play players their own skill level. And THAT is why I’m tilted on the subject enough to write about this again. Beyond the hubris of that statement, let’s really break it down. Elite players wanted a ranked playlist to show their skill, but found out they still hate actually having to play equal competition on a regular basis and it's more fun for them and entertaining for people who watch their streams and YouTube videos to see them throwing down monster games against lesser opponents. So if new or less skilled players want to play even competition and not have to not just sweat, but get their heads beat in every single match, their recourse is to play the ranked comp list that was meant for the high skilled players. FUBAR and ass-backward for sure, but it also fails to take into account that ''casual'' players can't play Control or Clash in the comp playlist. So where does that leave the game? From today's announcement that currently neither CBMM nor SBMM are functioning correctly and Bungie's response that for the time being they are going to let things lie and see how they play out, it seems that player populations over the final weeks before Forsaken are going to shape the eventual outcome. But at this point I think that it's clear that Quickplay and Competitive do not function as intended and it may be time to do a deep rethink on things there. I hate having to come to that opinion because I know how much Kevin Yanes and his team put into building ranked play, but if QP becomes the de-facto stomping grounds for the high skill crowd then where does it leave Comp? And this is where I would throw questions to the community. Does the community truly feel that the game comes down to survival of the fittest and there isn't a place for players who don't live and breathe crucible (or have time to no life grinding in PvE)? Or can we accept that the game can try to find a middle ground and have something for both types of player? The calls for the complete removal of SBMM were very clearly option one there in D1 and are fortifying that position these past few days. To state that casual players need to find someplace else to play is not something I accept or endorse and it is my hope that most of the people in this community wouldn't as well. The game can always be better. Matchmaking can always be better, but I would like to see solutions that don't leave behind one group or the other and to that end maybe it's time to rethink matchmaking completely. Thank you.

#Lost Sols #sbmm #cbmm #destiny #destiny 2 #bungie #crucible

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