i think hoffstrahm is like. THE funniest saw ship. one is fucking insane and the other is a serial killer

"Hold still," Strahm barked, yanking on the needle harder than he probably needed to if Hoffman's answering wince and muffled grunt of pain were anything to go by.

"You're slow," was all Hoffman managed to get out between barely moving lips but even those two mumbled words clearly pained him. He'd mostly avoided talking altogether, and what with the sizeable gash torn through his cheek Strahm can't really blame him.

"Oh, I'm sorry. My first aid skills not up to par? Maybe you'd like to do it yourself?" Strahm snapped, but when Hoffman reached to take the needle from him, he batted his hands away. With a huff Strahm recommenced his task, more gently now. "Just wait, okay? I'm almost done."

Hoffman lowered his hands back to his knees, his face flinching every time Strahm pierced the needle through his skin. He thought about the searing pain in his neck as he'd been forced to jab a pen through his throat to survive. He liked to think of himself as the bigger man but he couldn't help but relish every sharp breath Hoffman inhaled as he stitched his face back together. Maybe that would get the error of his fucking ways through his head.

It'd been enough to pull Strahm up short when he'd kicked the door of the old warehouse in, ready to slap some cuffs on Hoffman and bring him in, only to find the man slumped over a worktable. He'd been pawing through a first aid kit while holding a bloodied rag to the side of his face. It was soaked through, dripping blood along the floor to gather in a puddle around the stool he was sat on. Strahm had demanded Hoffman put his hands in the air. He hadn't lowered his gun until Hoffman had done just that, revealing the ruined, pulpy mass that was his right cheek.

Jill Tuck sure had done a number on him.

Sometime after that Strahm had pulled up a chair in front of him and flipped open the first aid kit. He didn't want to think about what had switched in his mind that led him from starting at arresting Hoffman then ending at helping him.

"What happened?" Strahm asked once he'd tied off the final stitch and snipped the thread.

Hoffman just grunted in response, bringing a moist rag up to wipe some of the blood from his cheek. Strahm examined the jagged line of stitches he'd sewn from the corner of Hoffman's lip, stretching nearly to his earlobe. The skin was still ragged and raw, trickling blood and edged with glistening pink. He tried to imagine what it would look like once healed--some kind of wicked raised scar, leaving Hoffman looking like a Bond villain. It'd suit him, Strahm thought with a vicious satisfaction. At least now Hoffman wouldn't be able glide by his past transgressions, unphased. He had the mark as evidence of his bloody misdeeds, branding him for what he was.

There's nothing past about it! his brain screamed. Your colleagues are cleaning up bodies right the fuck now!

Right. He was supposed to be arresting Hoffman.

But then Hoffman was mumbling into the rag, "My hand."

Strahm frowned, leaning forward to catch Hoffman's breathy words. "What? What about your hand?"

Hoffman held it up in answer and Strahm winced at the mangled fingers dangling from his inflamed palm.

"What the fuck?" he whispered, taking Hoffman's wrist to turn his hand over this way and that. The only sign Hoffman gave of any pain was the slight twitching of his eye. "What'd you do? Get into a fight with a brick wall?"

"I had to. It was the only way to survive."

"Survive what?"

Hoffman nodded to the desk, tentatively licking his scratched lips. "That."

Strahm followed his gesture and found himself looking at a few bands of metal screwed together. It took him a minute to place it, but then he noticed the blood flecking the outer band and his eyes widened. He remembered pouring over the files of all the previous Jigsaw cases, all the traps and torture devices sprung from John Kramer's demented head. His mind flashed back to one of the first games they'd been able to place chronologically, involving Amanda Young. They had the video Jigsaw had left for her, showing just what that device had been built to do, and Strahm still shuddered every time he remembered the sickening crunch of it springing to life.

"Jesus Christ," he muttered, releasing Hoffman's wrist.

When he turned back around, Hoffman was trying to flex his crumpled fingers, wincing at the slightest twitch.

"That's a little outside my wheelhouse," Strahm said, looking at Hoffman's hand.

Hoffman tried to smile but it came out as more of a grimace. "Your concern is touching enough."

"Fuck off," Strahm growled, rising to his feet. He peeled off the disposable gloves painted with Hoffman's blood and tossed them into the nearby waste basket. "What's your big plan now, huh? I'm guessing Jill trying to kill you kind of threw a spanner in the works."

At the mention of Jill a shadow passed over Hoffman's face. That glacial coldness sweeping through his blue eyes made Strahm want to shiver. It reminded him of being back in a hospital room, his throat torn to shreds as he was told to fuck off if he knew what was good for him. It's what he should've been doing in that very moment.

"First things first," Hoffman glowered, "I need to see my doctor about giving me a hand. Think you can give me a lift, Agent?" He accompanied this last question with a faux sweet smile. It would've been ridiculous on his regular face but with the fresh cut torn through his cheek it looked absolutely demented. "I'd drive myself but I'm a little tied up right now."

Strahm just glared at him. "You're lucky I don't shoot you."

Hoffman seemed a little put out by his response, which Strahm thought was just a little outrageous, considering he'd tried to kill him twice.

"Call me a cab then?" Hoffman mused.

Strahm's glare intensified and he bared his teeth. "I can't. My phone's being held as evidence for a crime you tried to frame me for!"

Hoffman let out a long-suffering sigh that Strahm felt in his bones.

im curious what you think strahms gay awakening was? :o

omg hi! just so you know I'm kissing you on the mouth for this ask. or holding your hand if you're not into that. (I'm kidding ofc but I almost never get Saw asks and I love that one unhinged FBI agent a ridiculous amount so seeing this in my inbox made my morning)

anyway! that's a really interesting question. canon doesn't give us a lot of backstory on Strahm, so it's difficult for me to try and pin down the age at which someone as antisocial and bitchy as him would be comfortable with admitting something like that to himself. I've always seen him as bi and divorced because we know that there's something in the water in Saw City that makes every single marriage and romance dysfunctional as hell, so I think the most realistic scenario would be him trying to repress those urges for as long as he could because he was married to a woman, but something breaking the dam eventually. maybe a hot guy he was questioning was giving him attitude and he kept thinking of different methods to shut him up until he reached a thought that made him lose his temper and storm out of the room, and then he just couldn't ignore those needs anymore after that. or maybe one day he just woke up from his latest wet dream about men after years of denying those thoughts when he was awake and he was like "Christ. fine. I guess I swing that way too." and I imagine his marriage would suffer from all this going on because he's not the type of guy who has the emotional intelligence to handle it well.

the less realistic and very AU, but 100% funniest scenario would be Hoffman being the one who annoys Strahm into realizing that he's into guys. I think Strahm would have figured it out by the time he reached the age at which he meets Hoffman, but can you imagine him having perfectly fine and normal and not at all homosexual thoughts about that incompetent idiot detective with lips like That for who knows how long. until his imagination goes a little too far and he just goes "...oh. oh, no." (for bonus funny, also imagine Hoffman finding out because he would be absolutely insufferable about it and never, ever let it go that he's the one who flipped the gay switch in Strahm's brain, and Strahm would hate that so much)

continued from here.

“then she is lucky to have you, whether you agree or not. she is.” matt wasn’t going to act like he knew what having a family that cared so much was like, but he was glad the kid had one. no one deserved to grow up without having someone to watch their back. without having anyone. this guy clearly had issues and matt didn’t want to step on any of them, he didn’t want to piss him off more than for whatever reason he had. “didn’t say i did. although, it seems like you know what’s been going on in mine?” did he know everything or just the embarrassment he had gone through when angie had ended whatever they had loudly for the office to hear? he just wished she would have given him the chance to explain better. matt had never met to develop feelings, he had never meant to cross a line that would ruin everything they had. there was going to be so much left unsaid because she refused to talk to him. “alright. sorry man.” the guy had a gun so he didn’t exactly want to get on his wrong side. "and yeah, i don't see why anyone would choose you, either." ouch but matt couldn’t defend himself against it because he believed what strahm was saying too. “i don’t know what you’ve been told, what lies your boss has been telling you but i’m really not a bad guy.” so why was he completely alone? that was the million dollar question. “why? your boss isn’t here... right? he doesn’t have to know you let me leave them a voicemail.” had matt already come to the conclusion that they wouldn’t pick up the phone for him? yes, but a voicemail would have been better than nothing. “imagine if this was you and the girl you were telling me about. you’d want to leave her something. right?” he just wanted them to know he was sorry. “they-- they’ve got your kid? that’s why she’s out of reach?” damn it. matt could feel his heart sink because he didn’t want a kid to get hurt over him. he wasn’t worth it. he really wasn’t but still... the thought of dying. dying like he was making it sound. well, it made his brain kick into defense mode. something had too. “this doesn’t end here? you’re going to drag this out?” his heart was pounding so hard he was sure it could be heard throughout the entire carpark. matt hadn’t meant to make it look so obvious but his hands were shaking so hard, it was hard to hide what he had been trying to do. however, the guy had a point. what if bos did pick up? what if he did get here in time and was hurt because of matt? he wouldn’t live through that anyway. it took him a minute because he knew what he was handing over, his life, seeing as the phone was the only chance he had and once it was gone. what could he do? “please, just take it easy...” slowly, and oh his actions were slow so the other didn’t decided to pull that trigger thinking he was up to something else as he took out his phone. matt was holding it so tightly in his hand, his knuckles were white. fighting with knowing he had to hand it over but the voice in the back of his head telling him he would definitely die if he did. “take it quickly before i do something stupid.” @lcvenderhcze

🎥 + saw !!

i’m gonna go in movie order

saw i: the reverse bear trap w/ amanda, everything after the line “we’re out of time” and F**k this Sh*t Saw OST by Charlie Clouser kicks in to the end, and special highlight for the ending b/c it still knocks my socks off ugh love that shit

saw ii: every scene with john talking to eric matthews because imagine this crinkly boomer is preaching plato’s allegory of the cave but fucked up to you while wearing a bathrobe and eating cereal and you have to sit and listen to him. fuck eric matthews but i’m impressed he made it that long b/c i would have beat the shit out of john 5 minutes in

saw iii: the angel trap is one of my favorites, the brain surgery scene b/c i like the grinding music, and the ending

saw iv: haven’t seen this one for a while and i can’t think of anything especially standout except eric matthew’s death but the rest of that scene is just a kick in the teeth

saw v: i absolutely love the fatal five’s plotline so any scenes with them, the opening’s pretty sick, the water cube i really like, hoffman getting the shit beaten out of him, and the ending. hehe crunch.

saw vi: this one’s funny as far as scenes because while it has some super boring ones it also hits some series highs at its best so the opening, the hanging trap, which i think is one of the best psychological traps, the “right now you are feeling helpless” scene is flat out one of the best ones in the series like it does a genuinely good job of building tension with the constant repetition and then the “strahm was already dead!” *BOOM*, “yew killed mah father yew mutherfucker,” and the entire ending. aside from the first one, this is my favorite ending. as a general thing, all of the scenes that smack you in the face with healthcare system commentary get a bit of credit even if they’re not saying anything new. 

best for last, the shotgun carousel. i have not shut up about this scene a day of my life since first seeing it in eighth grade. if there’s such thing as a hyperfixation within a hyperfixation that’s how i feel about this. it’s so fucking brutal and traumatizing for everyone involved yet at the same time i really love its aesthetics and the calliope music that plays in the quiet parts of the music adds *so much* it’s so terrifying and i think all the time about what it must have been like to have your back to the gunshot because that’s so so scary and “look at me! when you’re killing me you look at me!!” has played in my head for years. it never really seems to lose its punch either, and i’ve seen it a lot.  

saw vii: oh gd. i hate this movie so much but i love the score; tablesaw into/tablesaw, stitch face, only you, jill dream, car trap, quiet nina, roaster, and the final zepp. as far as actual scenes, few and far between. the support group scene definitely, it’s super effective. the garage/car/horsepower trap is one of my favorites in the series, logic of skin vs seat ripping first aside. the first two traps with people in bobby’s test are also pretty great; i have never gotten the sound of esophagus ripping out of my head and the impalement wheel is terrifying for everyone involved. and the reverse bear trap opening obviously, despite how much i hate the scene before it, it’s pretty epic. also the cane shove and the ending, i once found an edit of where the audio was replaced with “begone THOT” and i’ve never found it again :(

jigsaw: also been a while on this one uhh anything with eleanor in it because i think she’s pretty and she’s also a lesbian, i love the music for grain silo and it’s pretty well done even if the weapon dropping is a bit too on the nose, the spiral trap is definitely my favorite of the movie even if i wish it had been done a lot differently (when i saw it in the trailer, i thought it would be a heat trap b/c it looked like a stove burner) and i love the music for that one as well, the shotgun scene as well as the music, and the ending: i bitched about them using cgi for a week before the movie came out and then i saw that scene in super low-res definitely-filmed-in-a-theater quality and lost my SHIT (in my defense, i was also 14) so y’know. serotonin. also it’s kinda pretty? it looks like a flower or a fucked up dinosaur