Rosie darling I have planned so many different ways our wedding could happen. I am kind of obsessed with you and honestly think about you all the time. You are so wonderful and beautiful and attractive that it makes me want to you be yours but I am shy so I stay hidden. ❤️😳 I love being sweet to you and will never be anything else. 😁 I have already talked to the woodland creatures and they would love to hold your train for you for our wedding. ❤️ This world is without a doubt better because you are on it. Sorry it took me awhile to respond. Life has been crazy but you never left my thoughts. ❤️ The wedding is whenever you want it cause you are worth waiting and fighting for. You deserve the best and nothing less darling Rosie. ❤️😍

Okay, after playing through it a few times, is it weird I'm finding there's a lot I'd like to change or rewrite in fics as far as character interactions in HoA? Like I really like Salim and Jason's relationship and how it evolved. But..... Rachel, Eric and Nick just don't have that much charm to me???

I like Rachel to some degree as I know what it feels like to be a woman in a field where you have to have balls bigger than the guys but I feel like she got reduced down for the whole love triangle thing, I honestly really only enjoyed the interaction she had with Clarice, Joey and Merwin. I feel like even Jason got a little more interesting dialogue with her than the main two that her interactions are focused with, but that's only if you bring Clarice with her from the Blood bit and towards the end when they find out she is infected too. I mean they're supposed to have worked together for at least a few months before the whole incident occurs and you do see a portion of mutual respect that I really wish they expanded upon.

I understand why Eric wouldn't be as open about things with anyone other than Rachel but it feels like he's only there to be the reason they're there to begin with and pine for Rachel. He gets a bit of hate from the fandom but I feel like it's a little unfair as I don't think we get to fully see Eric. Like, I hate how his dialogue was written as I feel like the only reason he has any meaningful interactions is because of something to do with Rachel, the conversation with him and Salim for instance, you could have still had that relationship building without her being the reason for it.

I'm not even sure if I want to get fully started on Nick as I really feel like he got dealt dirty, he's almost always the antagonizer in the relationships he's in when some of those moments could have been spread around to other members of the five. The checkpoint talk, the constantly wanting to leave people behind, the over attachment to Rachael that can be a sign of obsession due to him going through a traumatic event making him latch on hard to anyone even remotely emotionally available to him (it's honestly probably a good thing Jason was better at compartmentalizing as Nicky could have latched onto him instead, though I feel that would have been more interesting) I get it, he's not in a good head space but it gets ridiculous at some points, ie wanting to leave Salim behind after having the relationship building with him. You could probably argue the same for Jason wanting to shoot Clarice and Rachel but in he's defense the idea that the UV light could work to save them is on the far fetched side.

I have literally found through my playthroughs I couldn't care less if Nick, Eric or Rachel died but heaven help me if I fuck up and get Salim or Jason killed, then I'm just going throw the whole game system away at that point. Not really but you get the sentiment. There's so much I'd like to change, not even counting the development of other characters that I feel literally got hit for no reason other than plot (I'm looking at you Joey, Clarice and Merwin) that could have made the story more interesting.

Plus, does anyone else feel like the eclipse part was a little ridiculous or redundant? I get it's supposed to be the big finale but..... not going to lie it felt unnecessary from a story point of view for me.....

Sorry for the random rant but I'm actually trying to write something while expanding on certain things and the more I delve into the characters, the more I want to develop them more than what SMG did to begin with.

I have literally no source for this interview, but it’s one of my favorites because Billie seems to be really honest about his songwriting here - this is when Nimrod came out

The day I met Billie Joe Armstrong he flashed me his new tattoo, a Chuck-Jones-perfect cartoon character on his right bicep. Above it was some skull or Celtic armband or something, but below was the name "Joseph," exquisitely lettered, for his firstborn child. It's that image of him that I always keep in my head, and what I think of when I hear his band, Green Day: loopy humor and face-punch riffs and sincere sentiment I tight formation, worn as close to the skin as possible, covered in sweat. From the band's first records on the local Berkeley label Lookout, 39/Smooth and Kerplunk!, through the multi-million selling Warner Brothers releases Dookie, Insomniac, and now Nimrod, Armstrong has written dozens of perfect little punk-rock ditties that are probably the most sincere and playful acts of musical aggression since that first punk wave twenty years ago. 

But the songs are more than throwbacks. Armstrong writes from a very personal perspective, the perspective of someone born in the Me Decade, raised in the Me-vs.-You Decade, and trying to cope in the Yet-to-be-Stereotyped Decade. His songs are about the current crises of being alive right now, in a society that's used up and marketed all of its counter-cultures, and has little use for its youth except as consumers. The songs are also about how one reconciles anger and rebellion with love and desire to not be so down all the time. It's less political and more personal than its punk rock predecessors, an angry/crying/shouting/fucking definition of self.

 It made me wonder how you can take bile directed at you and turn it into a song that gets sold at the local Sam Goody. I figured I'd ask, so I called him up at his home in Berkeley. 

Q: Where do you start when writing a song? 

A: Most of the time I'll come up with a melody, and I'll do lyrics, but I'll tackle them at different times and not connect the two, you know? So I'll come up with the riffs, and the melody of the song, like a short ditty. I'll put some lyrics to it and bring it to band practice and then we'll just start to pound it out. And then, as things need to be restructured, sometimes Mike [Dirnt, bassist] will have an idea for something, or Tré [Cool, drummer] will have an idea for something, or sometimes we'll just leave it alone and it's sort of already done. 

Q: Have there been any particular songs that have stayed the same from the original inspiration to recording, or have they all gone through changes in the process? 

A: There's a lot of them that stay the same. "Redundant" really never changed, except we made it a little longer by adding another chorus at the end. And there's this song called "All The Time" that's pretty much exactly the way I had it.

 Q: So how much does a song change then, in producing the record? On Nimrod there are a lot of different arrangements: strings on "Good Riddance," horns on "King For A Day." Did you have the ragtime horns in mind when you were writing? 

A: No, not at all. I actually demo'd that song and played all the instruments myself and showed it to the band and they're like, "oh, that's pretty cool." We fucked around with it and practiced it a couple of times, but we never expected it to go onto the record. Then when we got to the studio, we said whatever, we'll just put it on there. It ended up being pretty good, but the song was just screaming for horns. We got Gabe [McNair] and Steve [Bradley] and it was so funny. They said, "what do you want us to play?" And I said, 'I'm sure you'll think of something.' And they looked at me like, "aw man!" So they basically wrote all the horn parts to that song. 

Q: What's more important, lyrics or the music? 

A: I think lyrics are really important, because there are songs that, musically, I don't think are the greatest in the world but lyrically are amazing. I mean, Johnny Rotten never had the greatest voice in the world but he wrote really good lyrics for the first Sex Pistols record, and that goes for a lot of people. But the thing is, a lot of people tend to -- especially in pop songs -- they tend to take the music and put something sappy to it, and it's just a one-dimensional emotion that the rest of the songs has to carry. I was actually thinking about that yesterday. I went to a friend's house, and they were joking around, putting on the Spice Girls records. And it was blatantly catchy, super catchy, but at the same time it really didn't say anything. You could only hold it at face value, there was no depth behind it, you really couldn't tell anything about the people singing it. But I guess there's a need for that. People want to hear songs that don't say anything, they want to go out to a dance club and shake their booty.

 Q: That's a good question, then: what makes a good song? Depth, a point of view...? 

A: I guess so. I don't know. I know what I like, personally. Like, yesterday I did my top ten favorite songs or something like that. 

Q: What's on there? 

A: Let's see. "Surrender" by Cheap Trick. "In My Life" by the Beatles. A song called "They'll Never Call It Quits" by a band called One Man Army. Generation X, "Kiss Me Deadly." "Outsider" by the Ramones. Hüsker Dü, "Makes No Sense At All." 

Q: How do you deal with writer's block?

 A: I write something else, just for fun. I'm just habitual about it. If I can't come up with the song...the great song that you want to write that will leave your mark forever or something cheesy like that, I'll write a polka number if I can't come up with something. 

Q: Do you put that kind of pressure on yourself? Do you say "this one's gonna be a statement?" 

A: Sometimes I do. Sometimes I'll think way. I just have a really strong work ethic. I have that sort of way about all my songs that, lyrically, every single one of them has to have some subliminal thing going for it. But most people don't really get what you're talking about until 10 years after the fact anyway. That seems to be how people respect songwriters through time. 

Q: Do you have a time of day or a place where you write? You say you have a work ethic, how does that manifest itself? 

A: Anytime, every time. The other night I was dead tired. All I wanted to do was fall asleep, and me and [my wife] Adrienne get in bed, and we're laying there. I was just dozing off a little bit, and all of the sudden this music was popping in my head, going over and over. And I was like, aw man, I have to go downstairs to put this on my guitar and just write it down. But I don't want to. I was so tired. So finally I got up and I go, 'goddammit! I have to get this done.' Otherwise I would forget it.

 Q: When you're writing, do you write with an album in mind or song by song? 

A: Song by song. I can't really conceptualize that far in advance. We knew we wanted to change and bring in new elements on the new record. But we really didn't know how to do it. So I wrote, constantly, all kinds of songs. Fifty or something. And you try to find some sort of natural progression within those songs, and try to capture that on the record. 

Q: So are the songs you write linked by your state of mind, or thematically? 

A: Sometimes if I'll get into a depression, writer's block, where I can't write, I get really bummed out and then I'm not working at all, I'm not doing anything. And then I'll deliberately get myself down to the lowest of the low that I could possibly get down to. And then a song will pop up. And I'll be happy, I'll get ecstatic for like the next month and then all of the sudden another one will pop up. 

Q: So you revel in the dark zone and it's useful. 

A: Yeah...sort of...I kind of...well...definitely. 

Q: But you don't necessarily choose to be there... 

A: Sometimes I'll cause problems just so I can get in touch with that emotional side or whatever, you know. Just to see if something will spark up, start a fight or something (laughs). 

Q: Can you name a song that has come out of something like that? 

A: Umm...a song called "Worry Rock." 

Q: Seems like a really personal song. 

A: Yeah. I think I got drunk and put my fist through a window. Adrienne called me an asshole or something like that and, I don't know. We just got into some meaningless fight like most couples get into, those fights that don't make any sense. A fight for the sake of fighting, which can be destructive to your relationship. That's how that song came about. 

Q: Are you okay with that kind of exposure that comes from investing your personal life and emotions in a song like that? Is your family okay with that? 

A: Yeah, I think so. I guess the only problem would be if, say, Adrienne doesn't have an outlet for herself. That's the kind of thing that I worry about. The things that she could say about me could be pretty horrifying. 

Q: In what way are you a different songwriter now than you were on 39/Smooth and Kerplunk? 

A: It goes in a way of, you know, what kind of person were you at sixteen, and what kind of person are you at twenty? It's almost like two different people in some aspects. I think that most of my stuff is based on infatuations with women. Some are just straight obsession. I mean, nowadays you could call me a stalker (laughs). The quest for that ultimate happiness with another person, which I think started to change, and it changed pretty dramatically with Kerplunk, because I started to talk about other things, like loss of innocence, going out on your own, moving out at the age of seventeen, being a high school dropout, living in west Oakland in a warehouse with fifteen people. Where the first record was more...mushy...the next one you could tell I was going through some pretty dramatic changes. 

Q: So Dookie comes out, and where are you there? 

A: I think I turned more bitter. I started to realize where my true friendships were, the politics of Berkeley were setting in, drug abuse was starting to fuck with me a little bit. I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me, but I couldn't really do it and that had a lot to do with drugs. I started to get a lot more bitter. Life wasn't how it was supposed to be when you're on your own. There's a couple of different songs on there...I mean, the psychoses that went into that record! Songs like "Basket Case" and "Coming Clean" were blatantly neurotic songs. 

Q: That's messed up: amazing success, and it's your bitterness you're being celebrated for. 

A: I don't know. It's funny because I feel that once you write a song, and then record it, and then release it, it doesn't necessarily belong to you anymore. I mean, you can hold that piece of work closer to you than anybody else can, and that was one of the big problems for a while. I felt so misunderstood all the time. Which goes with the territory, anyway, of writing songs. Because nobody really understands what the hell you're talking about. Other people have interpretations of whatever, figure out their own plot, make it fit to the soundtrack of their own lives. It messed with me a little bit, 'cause people didn't know where I came from, people didn't know where I came from, people didn't really know what I stood for. People calling us a throwback to 1977, I guess I got affected by that. Because punk rock is a lifestyle for me, and has nothing to do with 1977 or any particular band, but the relationship that you had with and the amount of work that you put into your local scene. And it gets completely misinterpreted as trying to make a buck. 

Q: It wasn't a fashion statement, it was a lifestyle. 

A: Yeah, a lot of people took it as a fashion statement, even to the point where I think a lot of people thought we were the '90s equivalent of Sha Na Na or something. Some of that's kind of funny, whatever. But now I sort of don't care. No one's gonna understand it anyway. The whole success or fame thing was so new to me at the time, it came so abruptly, and I was like, wow, this is too much. I didn't know all this baggage was connected to all this shit. I thought I'd just have the opportunity to play my songs for people. 

Q: Is that why the new album is as different as it is, because you're just doing what you want to do, you don't have to be what people thought you were, or even what you thought you were? 

A: I think so. That might have something to do with it. I think when you stop caring and worrying about what people think, even stop caring what you think of yourself to a certain extent, and just sort of do it, it's a release to push your past behind you. I think that's when the best stuff comes out. And, of course, when you're forging ahead really hard. I think this time our songs are much more than just things that you can listen to, but actually visualize at the same time. It's like this guy told me the other day, this friend of mine, he goes, you know I was listening to that song "Platypus," and I can totally imagine this big western stampede of horses and cows. And that, for me, is exactly what I was thinking. Not that I was thinking of a stampede, you know, but that kind of quality. 

Q: So you communicated an image and a feeling. 

A: Exactly. 

Q: Of any of your songs, do you have a favorite? 

A: Lately, I like "Walking Alone" and "Uptight" I've been into. My mind changes all the time.

 Q: Let's talk about one of those. What are the circumstances around a song like "Walking Alone?" 

A: I play in this side project band called Pinhead Gunpowder. This guy Aaron Elliot writes all the lyrics and a lot of the music. And he wrote this song called "I Walk Alone," which is about walking at night, the streets, being a street punk. And so I wrote...I don't know what you'd call it -- an alter ego song? -- called "Walking Alone." 

Q: An answer song? 

A: Yeah, cause we always work in that sort of way. I wrote a song called "She," so he wrote an article in his fanzine called "She." It's kind of funny, it's really good to bounce things off of each other. So "Walking Alone" and "I Walk Alone" were sort of the same thing. I think Tom Petty could play that song. It's got that harmonica and the big smashing snare sound on it. But it was the first time I ever played harmonica. I can't play harmonica at all. I had to teach myself how to play that. 

Q: Hey, you did great. 

A: Oh, thanks. We actually tried to get a studio musician to play it, but I think he was a little too hobo for us. 

Q: Smelled bad? 

A: Actually, he had almost too much soul for it. He was too good at what he did. And I wanted it to come across more loosely. Not as good, I guess. So I played it. 

Q: It's not a confident song, or a song about confidence. "Sometimes I need to apologize/sometimes I need to admit that I ain't right." 

A: It's sort of like sticking your foot in your mouth sometimes, and thinking out loud, but the lyric changes. It turns into talking about friends and how they change and your friends either become lawyers or the local town drunks. 

Q: Any advice for people writing who want to be hit songwriters? 

A: Oh God, I don't know. Don't take advice from anybody.

Well, hello there fellers.

You can ignore this text post if you want, it comes straight from me, completely outside of Drawings or Proyect updates.

I just really felt as though I needed to take the time to write up my thoughts into a, very possibly, LOOOOOOOOOOOONG post, since I have a LOT on my head right about now.

So, my melancholy, rather depressing, but perhaps amusing, musings, under the cut.

Right, so my whole string of thought was sort of just... proppeled out of me reminiscing about the past... 2 years, maybe year and a half.

I got thinking hard about She-Ra again, LMAO. and I know, I KNOW, why am I even thinking about that damned show again.

BUT, I was really thinking hard about how much I went through, positively I mean, how much growth I had (Around my art and my vocation obviously) with She-Ra.

And really, if you were to scour through my blog, if you went back all the way to... maybe it was late 2018, early 2019, when I posted my first fanarts around She-Ra, you’ll see how far back I was, skill-wise. I mean I wasn’t exactly a beginner, but I weren’t no Grade A artist neither.

And PRIOR to all of that I had more or less drawn fanart intermitently.

Anyone who followed me back when I made RWBY stuff, specifically Whiterose fanart could attest to that. I wasn’t consistent at all, and I experimented more often than not with every single drawing I was making. And don’t get me wrong, I really enjoyed drawing stuff for RWBY, I sort of miss it now LMAO.

But I can certainly see just HOW POWERFULLY drawn I was to She-Ra, because my output of content and the growth of my skill as an artist was EXPONENTIAL. I suppose in a way I owe it really to MY sudden... obsession? Fixation? on that show.

VERY HONESTLY, at this point in time, I feel like I could REALLY speak on what things drew me to She-Ra, and precisely what things KEPT me there. IDK I think it used to be a very special little show.

On one hand? I really had just decided to watch it because I was starting to fall out of love with RWBY.

RWBY WAS a show I’d also loved, and which also meant a lot to me, but the things that MEANT a lot to me, were just not given the story I would’ve been interested in. That AND the small fandom space I’d carved out for myself was getting even smaller. Smaller AND very... toxic? Uncomfortable? I felt as though... my efforts and my involvement in that fandom were neither welcome nor appreciated at one point, let alone the fact that on the SHIPPING side of things, it stopped being fun.

So there I was, starting She-Ra up. I’d known about it for some time before, and I’d *Heard* that it was a fun good show, and most specially... *With an active, HUNGRY fandom, raging about a very popular Ship*. So I thought to myself, YAY, I’ll watch this show and I’m REALLY gonna do my best to go for everything popular.

I was tired of unwelcoming fandoms, tired of enjoying the very little measly, *Unpopular* things about shows, this was all about having a GOOD time. And maybe finally getting my works out, really finding a motivation to create stuff.

I mean in hindsight, now I know I fucked myself over MANY times.

You see because, as soon as I started watching She-Ra, I TRIED to do something different about the way I consumed shows.

In the past I used to be VERY ship-centered about my show experiences, to the point were FANON-Ship-centric relationships with shows would make the stories I was watching really boring and bleak in comparison. I had been afraid at the time, that THIS would also ruin She-Ra for me. So I really thought about... NOT tainting my vision and perception of the show with... Fandom stuff, Fanon or Ship-centric views, NOT EVEN CREATOR INTERACTIONS. I really tried to watch it blind and enjoy it for what it was.

Fool I was, I should’ve done the opposite.

It’s a tired old story, and a really redundant thing for ME to talk about. But I really felt a DEEP disappointment with She-Ra. Akin to LOSS almost.

Cuz you see, for a year and a half I ended up CENTERING myself on She-Ra, on more than one level.

On one hand, I TRULY believed She-Ra was a show with a story that I loved, there were plenty of characters that REALLY spoke to me. Characters like Glimmer? for example? And her storyline? for me are *one in a million*.

Of course I’m... REALLY compacting my She-Ra experience. I had come to appreciate MANY things about it. It’s world, it’s story, the characters, the comedy, the animation, the people who loved it and grew because of it, etc.

Furthermore, once my initial *doubt* about the show had passed, I really immersed myself in the fandom side of things. And I gotta say, I really enjoyed it for as long as it lasted. I think I experienced a new level of feeling like I *belonged* in a community, and a feeling that people LIKED what I did for it, and that people wanted MORE of ME in it.

Alongside that, and going back to animation. Geez, She-Ra came at the best *or worst* (depends on how you wanna look at it in hindsight now, LMAO), time of my life.

Literally on the verge of me finishing up with Prepschool and having to chose a career for University.

Prior to She-Ra, I really was trying to pinpoint my vocation, and animation had been in my mind for a LONG time, since Steven Universe really.

AND... Idk, AGAIN, THERE WAS SOMETHING ABOUT SHE-RA... which told me... “This is important”. Animation is important, being able to tell tales for people is important. Telling tales for people who need it, or people who don’t often get to tell tales is important. This medium is BEAUTIFUL, I MEAN, LOOK AT EVERYTHING IT CAN SPAWN OUT OF PEOPLE.

So it helped me make THAT decision.

Also alongside these things well... I go back to all of that about “Belonging”, and “community”.

Boy I met some of the most amazing friends I ever have in my life. People whom I respect, people who I admire, people who thought like me, liked ME, enjoyed this show, etc.

OF COURSE, at the time, and I really should’ve known better. We met out of our mutual LOVE for Glimmadora, LMAO.

ME? FALLING IN LOVE WITH AN UNPOPULAR SHIP? Who’da thought.

AND I DID SO, *DAMN NEAR DIVORCED FROM FANDOM* LMAOOOOO, you can see how my “I’ll learn to love whichever aspects of this show I’m *gonna* love, outside of fandom influence” policy really just fucked me in the ass.

AND GOD, DID I *LET IT* BE A PART OF ME.

That comunity, those friends, that ship, that show, those creators. It was all I thought about, and it DROVE me. so much so I put up with so much shit from my University. I put up with so many bad things in my life that were going on because of that show.

And I see now that many of those friends I mentioned did too. GOD, how I wish... we just hadn’t.

I think... for most of us things had already been pretty shit, not gonna lie.

There was the pandemic, for a start. Prior to May the 15th I had an uncle of mine die of COVID, which shook me to *my* core, but dear old She-Ra and the Glimmadora fandom gang were there to cheer me on. (This was around the time really horrid people in the She-Ra fandom, whom LOATHED Glimmadora with a passion were making “Glimmadora shippers must have Covid, since a symptom of Covid is a lack of taste” Jokes btw.)

And I think of my friends also, who have always spoken to me about their problems and their lives. For all accounts I think, they’d always had it harder than me, and they found themselves a WILL and a DRIVE to go on... through this, through She-Ra, and our friendship.

Then May the 15th came and it’s all been going downhill from there HSEBRGJKSEHRBGKJSERHGBJK.

I mean... I understand NOW, just how DAMAGING for myself it was to... cling so much to that show, to all of it. NEVER should’ve connected the drive of my vocation to it.

Cuz yanno... even if I HAVE continued to grow and get better the past few months, some things haven’t changed for the better.

For instance, I basically LOST my entire space here, in fandoms, in ejoying shows. I LITERALLY ONLY CREATE NOW... Either out of spite, or for my friends.

There is a VERY DEEP loathing now within me about stuff like... Catradora for example. I hate it, it makes me feel disgusting, simple as that. And THAT kind of feeling isn’t welcome here, also simple as that. So I’m out of a space and that hurts.

PFFT, basically all the pieces I produce now, which I still do with a She-Ra theme. Nobody’s gonna wanna consume MY content anymore, and they don’t. I made sure they couldn’t because I knew, I wasn’t going to be able to stomache this She-Ra fandom anymore.

That’s been another thing too. I don’t like being a contrarian, I don’t like being the guy who thinks the thing everybody loves is bad or wrong, and if I could SO HELP ME GOD, I’d change my entire view of it all. I don’t really care about being right or wrong anymore, I just want that peace of mind back.

HELL, there were people I knew since 2016 almost, who kinda just told me...

Shut the fuck up or leave.

On some cases I shut my mouth, on others I just left.

And yanno... I do feel miserable about it. But it also makes it all the harder when I think of my friends?

GOD DAMN, EVERYTHING THAT *COULD* GO WRONG, WENT WRONG FOR THEM.

ALWAYS, for all of my friends. And even through the hurt, I sit here and think, well I think I still have hope! I think I still have a drive to go on and persue animation  and tell good stories.

But I understand now... that *I* have a priviledge over my friends. The priviledge of support. I’m not REALLY alone, there’s people helping ME.

My friends don’t have that, and I can’t give them that, how I wish I could.

And it does just HURT only being able to tell my friends, “HEY! Have hope things’ll be better!” And then we all turn to the only beacons of hope we shared, and seeing them all dull and out of light. No Glimmer of hope.

Like, how do you tell people to hold out, to keep fighting, to keep trying to STILL CHASE THEIR DREAMS... When you can’t even help them keep their heads high when they’re trying yo get a damned job. When no matter how much THEY try they keep getting knocked down.

When there’s no longer a space were they feel confortable sharing their creations, because everyone they had ONCE tried to please with them? suddenly decided they were of no value.

So here we are.

I’m starting up a new semester in a couple of days, hopefully building myself up more to chase MY dreams... whilst all my friends suffer and can’t chase theirs.

Shit’s fucked. I wish I could do more.

PFFT, I guess, long story short:

Life unfair, Me Sad.

Me Angery, Me Bitter

Me Lost, They Won

Boohoo I guess.

SO ANYWAYS... I really just... needed to put these thoughts out in words. Scream to the void as it were.

I can’t wait to go back into discord or twitter or tumblr and see how my friends can’t catch a fucking break.

And how things will continue to get worse before they get better.

God I hope they get better, for all of us, if not atleast for them. They’ve already gone through enough.

Something close to my heart I wrote a few years ago

THE SUICIDE CLINIC 

CIARAN HARDIE 

 The Waiting Room Nobody made eye contact at the Suicide Clinic. Everybody knew why you were there. If you are about to kill yourself, small talk is not really a high priority. As George craned his neck to take in the high ceiling, he was reminded of the similarly high ceilings in airports, and the Suicide Clinic is a sort of an airport - a temporary drop-off point between life and death. The Clinics all looked the same inside: spacious, fashionably modern, with wide white corridors, littered with suicide prevention signs and pretentiously artistic glass panels. They were the type of place where the floor squeaks as you drag your feet across it. To George's left side was a black man, in his fifties, whose short hair had started to turn white. Chancing a glance at him, George couldn’t help but wonder what had happened to him, and how his life had brought him to this moment. On his left, was an elderly woman clutching a kitsch pink handbag. A man sat in the corner of the room, dressed like a rocker, had his head firmly in his hands. Amidst the waiting room, George felt his individuality and personality slip away; he was just another face in the crowd. He felt, and not just in this moment alone, merely an observant to the world, and not a participant. He was simply being. Nothing happens after death, it’s all just biology and chemistry. Life, George thought, my life, maybe life itself is wholly insignificant objectively, so he had stopped bothering to try to add any subjective meaning to his life either. Although everything is, eventually it will not be, so why bother? Before Emma had taken her own life, George had never really given suicide and the means of suicide much thought, which can be cited as a good thing. Carbon monoxide poisoning is pretty painless, and you could even sleep through it, but there’s a bit of a tedious wait. Best to get it over with as quick as possible with something like hanging, but that’s a tad dark and unpleasant. Suicide bombing would be quick, but George didn’t know the first thing about improvising an explosive. Lethal injection lacks the sex appeal of exploding, or setting yourself on fire, or whatever, and a pill overdose would be too painful. At the Clinics, they provide you with the most sought-after method of suicide - although a difficult commodity to come by in England - a handgun. You would think the handgun would be the ultimate solution to a quick and easy suicide, but all sorts can go wrong. People attempt to shoot themselves from funny angles and often, they shoot only their ears off, or their nose, or part of their chin, and some even miss entirely. If a non-fatal shot were to be fired, there are medics waiting on site at the Clinic, but there would only be one bullet per gun at a time, so you only had one chance to get it right. If you were to miss, you would have to get a new ticket and wait all over again. Once you were dead, the Body Disposers would come and take care of your remains. Afterwards, the room is tidied spotless for the next person. As the unattractive glare from the overly-polished floor caught George’s eye, he was stuck by the institution’s obsession with cleanliness; would people really care if the room they were coming to die in were a little dirty? When George had collected his ticket (Number #227) from the annoyingly pretty receptionist, she had explained the procedure and he had to fill out a form, savouring the Clinic from any responsibility over your imminent death. They also let you choose what you hear before you die. George had known this in advance and had brought with him a CD of himself and Emma talking. One night, a couple of years ago now, Emma had interrupted one of his recording sessions, and he had accidentally left the tape running for hours, and recorded their conversation. They laughed about it and listened to the tape back after realising. Now that she was dead, and things had changed so severely, it felt like a tape from another universe, a relic of a time that now it is over, felt like it had never really existed in the first place. You also got to choose what image was projected in front of you as you die too, and he had brought a photograph of Emma from when he first met her. First there were designer handbags, then designer babies, and now, you could even design your own death. They didn’t want people to kill themselves, but local authorities couldn’t deal with the amount of blood and carcass painting their streets. Washing out the high street every morning, before the foggy-eyed, grey-faced consumers came to... consume, became somewhat of a chore. First there was the Super Hose, which lived up to its name only in its size, and not in efficiency. A team of Body Disposers would hose down the streets and it would all be drained down the newly introduced sewer system - the Bloodstream. The larger pieces, too big to be collanderised, would be put in the back of a lorry and driven off to an infirmary. Naturally, people revolted. They didn’t like the Super Hose, they didn’t like the strewn organs down their high street, and they especially didn’t like the Body Disposers, with their threatening red jumpsuits. George, who was fairly up to date with current affairs, remembered how it all had started: a research team in Europe had been controversially investigating if suicide-prone individuals would be more likely to commit suicide if the process was facilitated for them. George could no longer recall the results of the experiment, and it had become irrelevant now anyway, as the English government had leapt onto the idea, and implemented Suicide Clinics in every major town to cope with the epidemic. A place you could go to kill yourself, and not make so much of a mess for everybody left here still existing once you were gone. 24/7, 365, a place to die. Everywhere had a McDonald’s and a Suicide Clinic. It was supply and demand. People still threw themselves off buildings, however. Some people just refuse to conform to committing in the way they are “supposed” to commit. Drowning maintained a popular alternative too, and it handily came without the dreaded stigma of pavement bombing. There was one case, George remembered, in the news, where one lake was deemed such a spot of idyllic beauty that it had to be dredged due to the sheer number of bodies in it. Of course, the biggest concern to the authorities was simply why were so many people suddenly killing themselves? What had happened in order to make suicide rates increase tenfold? Even now, nobody really knows. As George’s mind wandered the history of the Clinics, he ran in to the question that had driven him in to one of them. Why, like all the other hundreds of thousands of people, had Emma killed herself? She was the one who had handled the break-up; she was the one who’d carried on with her life and her degree and seemed unchanged by things. George was the one who had been made redundant; the one who begged for her back; the one whose life had shrivelled up to being no more than an exercise of misery. Yet two weeks ago to the day, George had received the news: Emma, like all the others, had walked in to a Suicide Clinic, collected her ticket, waited her turn, and ended her life. 14 days of looking for answers had driven George to do the same. Still, in this waiting room, as he anticipated his death, George couldn’t help but wonder why? TPs (Technological People) - “Robots” had been deemed a derogatory term - had certainly had something to do with the other suicides. If there was a TP that could do your job, within a few weeks, you would be out of work. That’s what had happened to George, who was once a recruitment consultant for the IT industry, but now there was a computer that could do his job better, and for free. Conglomerates totally replaced the working human race with TPs. As you would conduct your life; shopping, eating, working, living, you were no longer greeted by human faces, but by metallic, dead-eyed, machines. Technology had sucked all the life out of the world, and days and weeks could go by without seeing another human face. Human social interaction all but died out, and friendship can no longer exist in these conditions, unless it is virtual. George wondered all the time, what is everybody doing? The human race has never been so unproductive. After millennia of rapid evolution in the right direction, we have just ceased. We slowed down, and then we stopped altogether. Nobody is doing anything, they are just existing. Observants, and not participants. That’s the fundamental problem, George thought, people’s lives aren’t worth living anymore, and the people are realising it. Shit, he was realising it after all, and now had come to do the same as all the others. A collective air of nihilism is present at every turning. We are opting out of the game; we just don’t want to play any more. Every day, another lieu of faces at the Clinic, another batch of people who won’t play, if they don’t see the point in playing. The cliches about finding yourself, determining your own happiness, and bringing meaning in to your own life don’t stick anymore, and the futility overwhelms. What’s the fucking point? They want an objective answer to that question. George became aware that he had started breathing heavily, and tried to decelerate his thinking, and calm himself down. He realised he had been clutching his right thigh very hard, and let go. He looked around the room once more; everybody shared the same expression of utter resignation. In the 54th minute since George had collected his ticket (#227), the silence in the room reached a no longer bearable decibel, and his fidgeting could no longer oppress his discomfort. Desperately, George wanted to engage the rest of the room in conversation. He had no idea what he wanted to say to all of these strangers, but the urge was definitely there. Feeling an excruciating sensation rise up in to his chest, George found himself on his feet and then over at the annoyingly pretty ticket- giver’s desk. “Hi”, George spoke, with no idea what he was doing. “Hi”, the ticket-giver looked up at him with an ill-disguised look of animosity. “Er, do you reckon I could, like, wait somewhere else? Is there like a private waiting room?” “Does there seem to be a problem with this waiting room?” “No, it’s not that, it’s just, I feel, uncomfortable waiting around with all these strangers”. “Sir, I can assure you that everybody feels the same. Please take your seat”. “Okay, well that doesn’t make anybody feel any better”. “Sir, please take your seat and wait for your number to be called”. George opened his mouth to respond, but found himself heading back to his seat. Across the room, sitting with her legs crossed, was Emma. George blinked in incredulity, but she was still there. She gave him a flirtatious wave. George got to his feet and tentatively walked across the room. “Yes?”, said the girl, and after a beat, “Can I help you?” “No. Sorry. I just thought you were someone else.” Back in his seat, George mentally kicked himself for being so stupid. She’s dead, he told himself, she’s dead. “Seeing me everywhere are you, George?”, Emma’s voice hit his ears, “Can’t get me out of your head?” The black man was no longer sitting to the left of George. Instead, Emma was there, with her perfect legs and tangled brown mane of hair. Laughing at the sheer ridiculousness of it all, George replied, “Can’t get you out of my head? Well that’s why I’m here isn’t it?” “What if it doesn’t work though?”, said Emma, as if the idea gave her great pleasure, “What if after you kill yourself there’s some sort of afterlife based on your living psychology? What if your eternity is me?” “Then I’ll have to find a a way to kill myself again”. “You can only kill yourself once, silly”. “Oh I know, it’s a grand shame, I would have done it loads by now, if I could. I’d wake up every morning any kill myself” “So dramatic”. Even a hallucinatory image of Emma could still get right under George’s skin. “You always call me dramatic, when you’re the one that’s dramatic” “You’re the one who’s speaking to a dead girl”. Anger swelled in George but before he could release a venomous retort, Emma was gone, and the black man was back in her place. “Okay, number 227, you’re up next”, the ticket-giver’s announcement brought George back to reality. “If you’d like to follow me”. Checking his ticket, George got to his feet yet again and followed her out of the waiting room and down a narrow, white corridor. The gravity of the situation hit George at once, and he felt the need to gag. When they reached the menacing black door, George stifled his queasiness. George resented himself for not wanting to embarrass himself in front of the ticket-giver. “Everything in the room will be exactly as you’ve been told”, she said, “The sound will already be playing, and when you enter the room, the image you’ve chosen will be projected in front of you. The gun is on a platform right in the centre of the room, you can’t miss it”. She held the black door open for him, and George entered the last room he would ever enter. The door closed behind him, and he was left alone. The CD of George and Emma was already playing over the sound system, and his stomach continued to churn unpleasantly. But, there was no image being projected. Rather, Emma herself was standing in front of George, looking as she had in the photo George had chosen. Her school uniform brought out her immaturity, and George felt a twinge as this is how she had looked when he had first fallen in love with her. “Of course you chose to have an image of me where I’m in my school uniform. You’re such a perv”, she said, purposefully emphasising her disdain. “This is how you looked when I first met you”. “Yeah, before you knew me. Before you knew you couldn’t control me, and I wasn’t really just a little girl. You put me in this uniform because you want to keep up the charade of me loving you and you controlling me”. How could she still be torturing me, George thought. Even now, after she’s gone, she’s still hellbent on torturing me. “It wasn’t a charade”, George replied, flatly. “I didn’t love you, George. I never did. I was young, I didn’t know”. “That doesn’t mean anything. You still loved me”. He was yelling already; George was always quick to yell at her, as she had liked to point out when she was still alive. “No I didn’t, George”. At times like these, George didn’t know if he loved her or hated her. Clearly, the more obvious feeling was hate, and every single word she said was like a personal calculated insult to him. And yet, he was so willing to get her to submit to him and admit that she loved him. “I wish I could still kill you. I wish you weren’t dead, purely for that reason. I want to bring you back to life just to choke you with my bare fucking hands”. “Well, I’m here. And hey, you don’t even need to use your hands. There’s a gun”. George was totally disoriented, and things had stopped making sense altogether... maybe he was already dead. He didn’t know, but with immense satisfaction, he picked up with gun and pulled the trigger. It was a perfect shot, hitting her square in the temple, and blood that was so dark it was more black than red, began to gush from the wound. She stayed standing. “What the fuck?” George looked around and hit himself in the face, trying to put a stop to the insanity, “Why aren’t you dead?” “George, silly, you think that’s going to kill me. This isn’t what it looks like; you’re still in the waiting room”. The walls around George warped and blurred until he realised he was in fact, still sitting in his chair in the waiting room. Emma was now sitting in the ticket-giver’s chair behind the desk, and she teased George from across the room, “Think you’re going crazy, George? Think you’re losing it yet?” “I have nothing to lose”, he muttered. “Seriously! All the fucking drama all the fucking time!” She seemed to be completely unaware of the fact that she was provoking him. “Shut the fuck up”. He had to end it, and a force comparable to nothing he had felt before flung him to his feet and he made his way over to the desk. He was going to hit her... he was going to hit her so fucking hard... And she vanished again, out of thin air, leaving George trembling on his feet in the middle of the waiting room. Knowing her next move, he turned around and as he expected, saw her sitting in his chair, looking very casual, and very, very happy. She reached into her pocket, pulled out a pack of cigarettes, and lit one. “You can’t smoke in here”. Now, standing outside of the Clinic, each puffing on a cigarette, George racked his brain once more for answers. “You didn’t get this done, I don’t believe you. I know there’s something else going on here; this type of shit wouldn’t make sense to you”. “Because you know me so well?” God, why can’t she just turn it off for one second, George thought to himself. “Okay, maybe you’re right, maybe I don’t know you at all. I think that sometimes, that I just had it wrong the whole time. That we were so close and yet at the same time, we really didn’t know each other at all. But we spent 4 years together, Emma, I know for a fact that you did not kill yourself. You wouldn’t go to once of these places”. He was certain of it. “But you would, I know that. You have, after all”. “Only because you did”. “But you just said I didn’t do it!” “Okay, only because you allegedly did it!” “That’s not fun. You’re just gunna give up? You’re not gunna figure it out?” “I can’t figure you out”. “Draaaaaaamaaaaa”. A sigh escaped George. “Come on, George, if I killed myself, I wouldn’t have used this place. I would have just done it, you know, jumped off a bridge or slit my fucking wrists or something. I wouldn’t have come and sat in a queue and all this shit. Come on, you know I wouldn’t have done that”. “I don’t know why I’m here”. This was the truest thing George had said in recent memory. “You would’ve ended up at this place, whether you thought I had or not. This is so George; it’s got your name written all over it. You were always gonna kill yourself.” “I dunno. I guess, although everything is, eventually it will not be... So why bother?” “Come on, George, think. What happened to me?” George furrowed his brow, and concentrated. He visualised Emma, and his memories of Emma, trying to remember every moment they had shared together, in the hope of something somewhere igniting an epiphany. He remembered walking down his old suburban street with her, hand in hand. She would always instinctively take his hand, and not taking her hand would always cue an argument. He remembered how when she had so suddenly fallen out of love with him, how she had flinched when he had tried to touch her. He longed for the days when she would take his hand, without him having to take hers. Deeper memories... he remembered hugging her late one night down the high street after a comment from a tramp had made her cry. How something so stupid like a comment from a tramp could have shattered her, and made her need him. How truly fragile she had been underneath her tough demeanour. He remembered the smell of her hair, the smooth of her legs, and then, he remembered the sensation of her legs pressed against his head, and his tongue inside her vagina. He remembered how she would wither and moan, and clutch at the bedsheets. Was any of it real? Everything is so brief. Everything feels like it wasn’t true, like it was just a delusion, George thought. To him, everything just felt like some fucked up chemical imbalance in his brain. Too many drugs. Too much TV. But her, such a pretty, perfect thing. She had to have been real, the only real thing in a sea of distortion. Although everything is, eventually it will not be... George jolted in his chair in the waiting room. Emma was gone. The elderly woman sitting to George’s right turned to him, and said, “Were you thinking about eating out my pussy?” “What?!” George said, flabbergasted. It took a moment for Emma to take the place of the elderly woman. “I said were you thinking about eating my pussy? You were, weren’t you? Your lip quivers when you think about cunnilingus, George. I’m dead, you know, isn’t that a bit necrophilic?” “You’re not fucking dead!”, George yelled at the top of his lungs, and as he did, all the lights in the Clinic abruptly turned off, and all the people around George and Emma became immobile. Emma erupted in to tears and teared towards the door to the corridor. He couldn’t let her get away, she had to answer for this, so he pelted after her down the long, white corridor, calling after her. “Emma, wait! Emma! Emma! Come back!” She was impossibly quick, quicker than Emma had really been, quicker than anyone had ever been. George reached another door which had no handle, and began banging on it. “Emma, let me in! Emma, let me in, let me in now!” Emma called back from the other side of the door, her voice thick with authentic terror, “Leave me alone! I’m scared.” “I’m nothing to be fucking scared of Emma!” She had always said she was scared. Knowing she wouldn’t submit to persuasion alone at the time being, George kicked down the door which came off with surprising ease. George found himself in his flat kitchen, just as he had left it this morning before heading out. Emma was darting across the flat towards the front door, but he managed to catch up and grab her arm as she tried to negotiate her way around the furniture. “LET GO OF ME!” she squealed, still crying. “Emma, wait!”, there was tremendous force in George’s voice, “Listen to me”. “You’re fucking hurting me, George”. “How could you do that to me?!”, he screamed square in to her face, “How could you fuck those other guys! You’re fucking evil!” “Then let me go! Let me go, George, now!” Without thinking, he punched her and she fell to the floor. She was still fighting back, and with all his strength, he restrained her and, still without thinking, began to strangle her. She gasped and clawed at his face with her nails, but he wasn’t to be stopped. She pressed her thumbs in to his eye sockets, momentarily blinding him, and when he regained his vision, he was back in the waiting room. The lights were still off, the people around were still all in a dead sleep, and Emma was still in the place of the elderly woman. “Oooh, maybe that’s what happened!”, she said with tantalising excitement, “Maybe you killed me! What if you’re crazy? Like, like actually crazy. What if you killed me and you don’t even remember killing me?” “Emma, shut up. This is serious”. “What? Is it not dramatic enough for you?” The anger George had felt had climaxed with the sensation of asphyxiating her, and now he felt nothing but sad. “Were you scared of me, Emma?”, he asked. “Yes”. “Why?” “You’re obsessive, George. It’s too much. It’s scary”. The words instantly drew tears out of George’s eyes, and he wept. “Don’t you care that you hurt me?” Emma exhaled, and sounded more serious than she was normally capable of being. “You stole my childhood, George. You scandalised me”. “What fucking good is a childhood anyway! Hey! Who wants one!”, the notion of a spoilt childhood brought back George’s anger as if it hadn’t gone anywhere. She looked back at him with the same repulse that he recalled vividly from their last ever encounter. She spoke the same words, “I’m gonna go now”. George clutched her shoulder and searched her eyes for the person he once knew. “No, please, please don’t go Emma, not again. Don’t make me do this, please, please don’t leave me”. “See you on the other side, George” “NOOOO!” She had evaporated. The lights to the Clinic turned back on, and the people around came back to life. But George was really screaming this time, and the people around him jumped back in their seats. He wasn’t able to get out any words, he was just wailing at the top of his lungs. The ticket-giver instantly dashed out of her seat and over to George. “Sir, please, calm down, sir, sir, please, if you’d like to come with me”. “Fuck off!”, George mustered and threw his shoulder away from her as she tried to touch it. Two especially muscly Body Disposers with vacant faces barged in to the waiting area and each grabbed one of George’s arms. George was taken aback by their strength, and started flailing his legs around. The people in the waiting room looked in horror as George shouted, “No! This is wrong! This is all wrong!” The Body Disposers dragged George out of the waiting room, down the white corridor, and through yet another door. This time they had entered a much smaller room than any of the others, and the walls all matched the red of the Disposer’s ghastly jumpsuits. Before George could react, one of the Body Disposers was injecting him with a foul-smelling blue liquid. “What the fuck is that?!” George exclaimed. Nobody responded. After he had been injected, the Body Disposers softened their grip on him and he was able to break free, push the ticketgiver out of the way, and he flung open the door and began sprinting for the waiting room. The Disposers and the ticket-giver gave chase, and his feet slipped on the squeaky corridor floor. George felt as though his legs were filling up with concrete, and movement became an increasing struggle. His back hunched and he felt as though something invisible was pulling him down to the floor. Still, he pushed on and reached the waiting room door, and without a second of conscious-decision making, flung himself at the black man’s feet. “Don’t kill yourself. Please. Please, don’t kill yourself”. A few people jumped to their feet, and even the rocker with his head in his hands looked up at the commotion. The man looked back at him as if George had just asked for his hand in marriage. The concrete sensation as now filling his entire body, and he felt like an anchor was forcing him through the ground. “DON’T KILL YOURSELVES”, George screamed at the rest of the waiting room, and before the Body Disposers grabbed him again, he fell to the floor, unconscious.

Jumbled Thoughts: The Passive Character/The Passive Paradox

Oh no, I didn’t have anything to say last week! Oh, but it should be fine. I’m confident enough to not care. But maybe I’m just being nice and not saying anything. Which why should I do that!? It’s not like I can’t speak up for myself! Now might not be the best time though. Maybe next time? Oh, if only I had any consistency! Evil grin. Let’s talk, shall we?

So, for now, we won’t talk about the Paradox aspect of this. We need to first clarify what the archtype is, which in and of itself is paradoxical. After all, when you think about a passive character, people like Hinata or Fluttershy. Shy characters who are willing to listen and stay quiet and allow others to do things around them without input. They act, theoretically, passively. That’s the crux of the problem. Being shy is an archtype with being passive being a trait within that that is directly tied to their character because being shy often means being quiet.

A passive character is only this singular trait but in a macro sense. A passive character is not, in fact, a character, but a writing tool. The most common version I see is one that is CLOSE to a shy character. One who is kind and gentle enough that when they give into other’s demands it seems like it’s just part of that social awkwardness and fear. But then, they’ll be more than happy, even happy, to go to social events and large crowds because they think it’ll be fun, but only if other main characters want to join in. They’ll say things don’t bother them and that they’d rather avoid conflict but are ALWAYS ready for it and seem to be able to have their fight switch flipped at any second unless that day they’re feeling extra serene. They are happy, kind, caring, and completely likable.

But fuck you if you want to pin down an actual character in that mess. After all, what mask do you use? Do you use their happy, cheerful mask? Their shy, quiet mask? Their angry mask? And I call these masks because they’re face value. They aren’t character depth, like a shy girl’s anger (though that is a topic for another day because I am getting fucking tired of that trope), but instead just roles they slip into for when it’s convenient. They’re a plot device that can talk to. Without a properly defined character, the audience has a lot harder of a time ever saying they’re ‘out of character’ while they do anything that helps move the plot along or develops other characters.

But they do do things which is part of the paradox. How much their actions define their character rather than feeding off of, or benefiting, others is a lot of how to figure out what they’re like. These characters’ actions more often define either the situation or other characters. Need to have a character revelation? Include another main character while making it about one of those basic traits the audience knows about and you don’t need to do anything with the passive character to expand on this but instead a door opens for this other character. Need someone to make a heroic action that means nothing? Sure looks good for the passive character to do it if you can’t justify anyone else doing it. But the second that it would be better for them to stay quiet or step back, they do it without a second thought. They meld into the background, waiting for the next time they’re needed outside of maybe a token representative of their one interest so they aren’t literally just a part of the wallpaper.

And... you’ll like them for these things. That’s the bigger part of the Paradox. Passive characters are LIKABLE. Everything they do is meant to be inoffensive but also interesting enough that as a kickoff for other things, you at bare minimum don’t mind it. You don’t question it. That’s part of why these characters emulate shy characters so much. They can borrow all that relatable awkwardness with not having that infuriating problem of not acting when it is genuinely important because that would make them less likable and make them less useful. The fact that they’ll easily fit as a catalyst for other character’s growth that can’t be done through friends shouting at each other or tragedy will make you see them as a crucial element of the party and the good feelings you have towards that other main character rubs off on them for being so useful in helping define their character.

It’s also why this is a MACRO talk. In a micro sense, if done well, you wouldn’t notice this. If done poorly, they’ll slide into something less likable like a walking exposition dump or someone who exists purely to be kidnapped without a personality attached to them. However, what happens if you want to do a character piece on them? Do something that is focused on them? Where you actually have to define their character in order to have a story happen? Well... you can’t. Not without losing the tool.

This is also the best litmus test as a writer to double check if one of your characters is slipping into this. Of course, it’s actually better to have people outside of yourself do this because you may be able to figure out something because you have novels, seasons, etc. of development for them in your mind and just haven’t gotten that on the page. Well, what can someone who doesn’t have that do with them. And another caveat is that having them as just the main character isn’t enough. These stories should include other main characters as little as possible. Any interaction with other characters should purely reflect on the character in question’s personality and how they deal with things. If it’s a buddy episode where the angry person takes out the passive character and, oh, this time they simply pushed their friend too hard and so they learn that they should respect other people’s boundaries isn’t about the passive character, it’s about the angry one.

Which, for most people, won’t be hard. Archtypes exist and so long as they can identify some real part of them to one of those, you should be able to make a short story for them without contradiction. Your smart guy? Nuerotic breakdown as they overthink a problem and have comedic failures as their desperation grows larger and larger until at the end another character shows up and points out they forgot the most basic part of it and the smart character finishes their project. This other character doesn’t even need to be another main character but anyone who will let the smart character be reminded to start with the simple instead of assuming that their intelligence would never fail them in such a dumb way.

Angry character? An episode all about them going through the aggravations of normal life where we get to see them deal with situations they can’t just punch or scream at which ends with them showing why they’re so explosive with their friends because that’s there one real chance to let out all of those things that bother them and how much they trust the other characters to be understanding that that’s just who they are.

Shy character? A PROPERLY shy character? Send them to market. Flea market, farmer’s market, etc. and WITHOUT prompting from someone else. Have them notice that they need or want something and thus have to go out. Then we get a chance to see how this character who is normally so afraid and seems like they’d have a panic attack the second they left their house alone functions from day to day. But don’t have them just talk to people. What tricks do they have to get transactions over with as fast as possible? How do they avoid the really big crowds? What calming techniques do they have for when they are stranded and in over their heads? How as a person do they function?

Meanwhile, the passive character goes to market, goes to the stall they want, pays for the item they want, and then leaves. They roll their eyes at everyday nuisances like some normal person and gets to where they’re going without a problem because it’s not important enough to act upon, either to themselves or the plot. They also don’t obsess enough to miss little things, or get truly upset at failure. You can theoretically try to get a passive character into any of those three situations, as they’re usually knowledgeable enough to be able to help the smart character in the group but not so smart as to not be explained at too, but because they aren’t defined enough in any of these things being so crucial to them that they won’t fit without someone else pushing them hard enough to make them act. Without that outside catalyst, you will actually manage to make them feel either out of character or redundant because you could have done the concept better with someone who is actually that sort of character.

And as a quick note: These examples I gave would of course be commonly overblown and exaggerated but they have a basis in real world issues and questions that actual people with these traits have to face. How do you handle errands when being around others gives you anxiety? When you have anger issues, how do you deal with it and how do you release it? When you think you know everything, how could you forget to make sure your computer was plugged in? These are relatable issues that will ring especially hard with people like them, even if taken to an extreme.

So, the end takeaway? Don’t fear using archtypes and make sure you give characters definition. Don’t make characters who serve only other characters. I know these are basic things that feel like they shouldn’t need to be mentioned but, well, did you make sure your computer is turned on?

-

Anyways, what do you think of the concept? Think I’m blowing up to something that isn’t a real problem? And what passive characters can you think of? I didn’t use an example this time because it felt like too much like simply a character dissection but the one who brought this to my attention was Willow Park of The Owl House, who has an episode literally titled “Understanding Willow” where we learn nothing truly new about them and it only really serves to help another character’s development and redemption arc. I am not even kidding. But, until next time, I hope you all have a wonderful day and farewell.

ASOUE AU? ASOUE AU. Pt 1 (Characters)

Okay so I just posted a little doodle I did for an A Series of Unfortunate Events AU that I had been thinking about ever since I realized that Esmé was obviously Magica's VA (which was 3 days ago so oop). I don't have all the characters figured out right now (mostly bc quite frankly there aren't really enough adults that act so... neglectful towards the kids in ducktales). I'll list the ones I am pretty concrete on VS the ones I'm unsure or ones that I "reimagined" due to not everyone fitting perfectly in this world.

Characters that are Definite:

Glomgold as Count Olaf: Think about it, horrible actor/cosplayer (yes thats what he is). Both obsessed about riches, revenge and are generally incompetent. Really, Olaf is much more wicked in the ASOUE series imo (bc even tho Glomgold wants to kill Scrooge and steal his money. This anger only extends his wards if he wishes to use them against Scrooge and is less keen on the murdering of kids. Notice I said LESS). Not 100% if I want him to be as...well explicit as Olaf can be at times. Especially his characterization in the Bad Beginning if you know what I mean (pst it's child marriage)

Magicia DeSpell as Esmé Squalor: Like I said, this is a no brainer. She has the stage performance of Magicia with a bit of Mark Beaks Mom (forget her name) mixed in. Probably would downplay her love for fashion and replace it with an obsession with the occult. I would also not have her be obsessed with Glomgold, its more in character for Glomgold to be obsessed with her anyhow. It is also possible bc I tend to believe she is a more compelling villian in canon that she might take the place of Glomgold on the Island in "The End". But I also plan for Scrooges Number One Dime to replace the Sugar bowl so, maybe not.

Doofus Drake as Calmanita Splats: Duh, spoiled brat who is very creepy and probably has parents that want them dead? Instead of wanting to sing all the time he mainly wants to wreak things/people. He still definitely dresses up tho into a hodgepodge of things. It always changes and Glomgold is always annoyed by this but he likes him more than Magicia. She definitely wants him dead just like Olaf in the series (she really hates kids).

Duckworth as Larry your waiter: Yeah not much competition for this role. It was either him or Launchpad. Duckworth is too perfect for this role and he honestly will play a better spy than canon Larry. If I ever write it out a lot of the "fight scenes" and anime-esque "explaining how I fooled you" dialogue will definitely be reworked but still present. I will however not keep out the main theme of neglect or ignorance with the adults, they will still fail in that regard as always but will just not literally stand there and tell Olaf "We finally caught you, now let me explain why we are so smart oh no you set something on fire again". I mean...maybe for a Mr. Poe but not the VFD. Or...SHUSH I should say but more on that later (or in another post who knows?)

Scrooge McDuck as Lemony Snicket (sorta): Okay so OBVIOUSLY we can't have our "Lemony" have the hots for the McDuck siblings mom (yes another thing I must explain oh boy). Scrooge will still be gilted in love by, of course Goldie though I am still not 100% if she should play part of the the role of Kit Snicket (again NOT related to Scrooge) or should she be someone else entirely. Scrooge is basically the reason everything is happening in this AU just like the canon Lemony but writes sad letters to Donald and Della as well as Goldie. As you might of well guessed, Scrooge's Fortune is also the riches the McDuck's have.

Fethry Duck as Dr. Monty: Of course a snake lover will become a marine lover in this AU! Also of COURSE Mitzy will play the roles of the incredibly deadly viper AND the great unknown! Fethry and Dr. Monty not being mentioned by their family but also too enthralled with their studies to care all that much (but seriously thats fucked up ducktales). Totally made for this role. As far as setting goes this will be where the siblings will be underwater first but since the series already has plently of aquatic locals I will probably swap out the Lake Lacamose story with Peru or the Galapagos. Speaking of...

Ms. Quackfaster as Aunt Josephine: For narrative purposes it would make sense that Ms. Quackfaster would lose her edge as a brave and bold woman. For what exact reason I am still trying to figure out. Not sure if I still want to keep the "Ike" storyline, maybe she just got really spooked by FOWL. Maybe some creature from the Galapagos ate her leg or something.

Ma Beagle as Dr. Orwell: This particular role was sort of hard for me to cast due to the fact that Dr. Orwell is older and romantically involved with Olaf (at least its sorta there). I really didn't want to give this role to Owlson bc other than she isn't a bad person, she is also way too young. Ma Beagle already has a similar motivation im canon to want to reclaim Duckburg as Beagleburg so the Terrible Mills plot to frame the B for causing a fire in order to have control over the mill is very in line with Ma. I originally wanted the Beagle Boys be working in the Mill but since I am changing the setting to Egypt, I decided to use the people stuck in the pyrimid (idk what they are actually called) and will either use Amulet, Launchpad or Dijin as Cookie

Characters that are Mixed with others:

Huey Duck as the Narrative Role of Violet B.: I mostly imagined(?) the kid characters in a approximation of set characters from the books/series. For this reason, Huey plays the ROLE of Violet Baudelaire so that he can take the "inventor" occupation. I went back and forth on finding who would have Violet's quirk of using an object to help her think. My mind originally went to Webby since she has a bow and I wanted Huey's obsession with the Incomplete History of Secret Organizations to take the place of his JWG. However I reworked it so that Huey's JWG would act as Violet's ribbon with him having to flip through his beat up (and slightly burnt) journal to find a quick solution or just to calm his nerves. Something that applies to all the triplets and twins is that their last names are changed to "McDuck" mostly bc it sounds better that they are later called the "McDuck Murders" instead of the "Duck Murders" as well as Scrooges edited role in the kids lives. He has a mix of Klaus' social awkwardness and habit of talking at length about his special interests to whoever will listen. Huey is also the one who gets hypnotized in the Miserable Mill ep.

Louie Duck as the Narrative Role of Sunny B.: Pretty sure I swapped Louie and Webby for this role in my first post but whatever. I wanted to confusingly change Klaus' role into a "Charmer" or "smooth talker" (obviously still a work in progress) since I felt that Huey in DuckTales canon was always well researched as well a good mechanic and having two characters who pretty much fit the same role was... redundant. I also wanted to really make Webby's Sunny much more inline with her notorious/abnormal fighting abilities. However, I realized that instead of changing Klaus' role I should just change Sunny's characterization since I would have to rework it anyways since she was a baby. I also got the idea from recently rewatching the series and saw Sunny basically trick her way out of being trapped with the Hook handed man (i.e. Fernald). I will instead make Louie's role as what he functionally is in DuckTales (the guy who can talk his way out of anything). He would probably also say his occupation is "Defense Attorney" or something along those lines. He is also the one who gets captured the most but not by much. However while he still has Sunny's sarcasm, he also has Klaus' inherit skeptism and distrust of adults.

Webby Vanderquack as the Narrative Role of Klaus B.: Like I said in Louie's segment, Webby is changed to Klaus or more accurately the "Researcher" of the group. She is often the one who stays up late, researching ways to get out of Glomgold's schemes. Unlike Klaus though, she has more of the optimism of Violet but might not put as much belief into all authority as Huey might. She still has role models that she looks up to but isn't against bending the rules. She also unfortunately takes Violet's role of becoming "Olaf's bride" in the Bad Beginning. In the story she has always lived with the McDucks but didn't take their name and still had Mrs. B (until she was around 10, she was 12ish when the fire happened). However, she is still in the McDuck Will and therefore Glomgold hatches a plan to use her to get the fortune. She also tricks him by signing her name "Vanderduck" or "McDuck" instead of Vanderquack to make the marriage null in void. She is also a mix of Sunny since she is generally the most physically capable out of the children.

Dewey Duck as the Narrative Role as Quigley Quagmire: Okay honestly after a rewatch, I don't exactly know what makes Duncan and Quigley that different from each other. I'm pretty sure Duncan is the Klaus of his siblings but whatever. Dewey mostly just 1/2 of the reveal that two people survived the fire during the Carnival segment (which is changed to an underground wrestling theme for reasons to be explained). I am fairly certain that during the last part of the Village of Fowl Devotees I want Dewey be the one left behind with Webby and Lena that way we can have more time spent with him and Weblena/ Magicia v Lena drama. Dewey's occupation would be "Comedian/Host/Actor" . He also is the one the adults ignore during the first half and will be the subject of Triplet/only child jokes that the Quagmires face.

Gosalyn Mallard as the Narrative Role of Duncan Quagmire: Okay so like, no she isn't related or adopted by the Quagmires

Lena Saberwing as the Narrative Role of Isadora Quagmire: c'mon both these kids like poetry. Literally I can think of no other DuckTales kid that likes that (other than Webby but that was more of her liking Lena's stuff). She will still have her background as Magica's niece and might take some of the role of Fernald where he gets redeemed by betraying Olaf/saving Sunny. I am unsure by what extent though as she isn't going to be a henchperson of Glomgold or Magica. It might be that she is uses morally questionable ways to get what she wants/needs. Maybe she is "good" but has to commit a terrible act similar to how the Baudelaires have to burn down the carnival.

Characters that I am uncertain about or straight up don't have someone in that role:

Violet Saberwing as the Narrative Role of Fiona Widdershins: Like Fiona, Violet was also originally distrusted by a part of the cast (in this AU, it probably be Webby and/or Louie as Huey catches feelings lol). She is also obsessed with the occult not fungus and has to save probably Louie from losing his soul or something (wip). Violet more than any of the main cast of kids will probably act more like her canon self since she is naturally straight forward and booksmart. She probably gets forced to stay with Glomgold until her and Lena can escape again. Also since I didn't want it to be another underwater local and wanted it to relate to DuckTales17 a bit more closely I thought it be better if they were in the sky. Maybe Violet got the Sun chaser or maybe even the Spear of Selene. Maybe instead of going to look for their dads (since they are dead oof) they come back at The End to tell the McDuck Siblings et all that they might of found something...or someone important.

Boyd as the Narrative Role of Friday: This is definitely more of a stretch as really he is only Friday because in role only because I want him at the Island at The End so that he can save the siblings from whatever organic incident happens since he is still an android. I previously thought he could also fit the role of Fernald since he could go through a redemption arc easier due to him sorta going through one in the show. Its not out of the realm of possibility that Glomgold could have reprogrammed him to obey him (he might still do something similar I haven't figured it out 100%).

Fenton Crackshell-Cabrera as the narrative role of Hector: He probably won't faint as much as Hector but he will have to be pushed by the kids to be confident in himself during the Vile Village (which will probably change to a Capital city since I plan to rework FOWL into this). Maybe its similar to a military academy which makes having a set of rules make sense. Its also possible that Fenton escapes with some of the kids in the Sunchaser by the end of this.

Steelbeak as the Narrative Role of Fernald Widdershins: I mainly chose him because Steelbeak and Hookhanded man both most clearly are shown to be sympathic antagonists. They are still functionally villians, much more so than any of the children like Boyd or Lena who, yeah, have done bad things but in one case wasn't given the freewill to decide for himself or was but when she decided to stand up for herself she was literally tortured and had her freedom taken away (more so than in the beginning since. Steelbeak would, like Fernald, be making a choice as an adult man to be apart of a mad man's troop and was harden enough to commit murder if it meant he could impress his boss. But because he is not related to (by blood or otherwise) any protagonist I struggle to know where to put him. I might still have him defect during the end of what would have been the Grim Grotto ep and comes back with the Saberwings at The End. Maybe he brings Gosalyn back after finding her at some point, maybe he dies somewhere towards The End. Not sure.

Gladstone/Ghost of Christmas Past/News Reporter Lady as the Narrative Role of Mr. Poe/Mr. Poes Wife: wow this one is really confusing. My reasoning behind these picks is because The News lady would be a great pick for Mr. Poe's wife or at least a substitute as she has similar motivations in DT17. The biggest set back for her tho is that she has no reason to be on the Baudelaire case (or McDuck case anyways). Ghost of Christmas past is a bit of a stretch since why the fuck would he be in charge of making sure the kids had guardians? I mainly want him just bc of his motivation (or lack thereof) to do his job and being incompetent at it. Gladstone while making some sense that he also would be uncaring about where the kids go is also a stretch given he is a relative and he while he might not care 100% about their whereabouts he wouldn't lose them like Mr. Poe would simply bc he is so damn Lucky. Its possible to work that against him, maybe in a scenerios like where he drops off the kids but gets whisked away because some rando gifts him a boat. Still unsure.

Mrs. Beakley as either the Narrative Role of Jaclyn S (Mr. Poes Secretary/VFD spy)., Olivia C. (Librarian): I want Mrs. B to have a role which fits her being experienced and competent but also met a tragic demise. I might mix the experience of JS with the fate of OC. Poor Webby.

Justice Strauss as ???: I'll be honest, I am stumped with this one. This is a very important role to fill and I can't quite find an adult character that fits the bill of Justice Strauss. Mrs. B is too smart, Launchpad studying law while ridiculous, is something inline with the show but he doesn't have a DT17 motivation similar enough to Strauss where he's desires can be exploited nor has he really want kids in the same sense as Strauss. Drake Mallard is close since he is an actor but having him work with law is a bit of a stretch, I also think that making him somewhat bumbling is an insult to his character but Strauss is tragic since she WANTS to very much be the Baudelaires guardian but fails so much. Maybe in a safer world she could have been, maybe if they were luckier. She loves them so much, but they run away where she can't find them to at least try to be there for them and is left heart broken by the end. Whoever becomes JS is in for a world of hurt and I'm sorry. Goofy could also be a replacement, maybe Max died for more angst 😬.

Goldie or Daisy as the narrative role of Kit Snicket: This kinda gets really fanfic-y as neither of these characters really fit nicely into this role. Goldie definitely has the skill of Kit and her disregard for the rules but the pregnancy thing is... something. Not entirely sure if I actually want her to be pregnant but I also want a Beatrice II type character (of course she would be named Della II) but again very fanfic-y. Daisy I am more comfortable being the one who gets pregnant, she might take Olivias role as the new VFD recruit instead of Kits more seasoned one. All I know is that if either or both outcomes exist they will die also a Dewey Deanumont(?) Character wouldn't be the father it would of course be Donald or Scrooge depending who gets pregnant.

Jacques Snicket as ???: Another mystery for me. Functionally? Maybe Manny could play this role or even Launchpad (he really is just my go to for any character idk about huh?) Whoever it is will die but wont have a romance with the Olivia character(s). Maybe its Goofy lmao.

This is quite long enough, let me know if y'all got any more ideas. I'll edit this when I can since I am tired of writing. Please comment or reblog for suggestions and the like thx u. And please...Look Away while you still can.

I Hate You, I Love you, Chapter 153

Chapter Summary - Danielle accompanies Tom to Ben's award presentation where she and Tom enjoy their friends' company and discuss minor differences between Britain and Ireland.

Previous Chapter

Rating - Mature (some chapters contain smut)

Triggers - references to Tom Hiddleston’s work with the #MeToo Movement. That chapter will be tagged accordingly.

authors Note - I have been working on this for the last 3 years, it is currently 180+ chapters long.  This will be updated daily, so long as I can get time to do so, obviously.

Right, little things that need explaining.

Taoiseach is the Irish for Prime Minister. Our one is gay, yes and half immigrant Indian but is leading the right-wing party which thankfully is only centre right and not extreme right (little mercies) and is an utterly classist wanker so yeah, not the loveliest man for those reasons, not his sexuality or race.

We democratically voted for gay marriage rights, being the first country to do so by popular vote in the world a few years ago.

We also repealed an amendment this year (yes, you can repeal amendments for those who are obsessed with such things) that held the life of the unborn as the same as the mother's and will mean elective abortion facilities in Ireland.

We have the lowest divorce rates in Europe and no, it's not in any way related to Catholicism.

And yes, Irish engagements are between 1 and 2 years normally.

Copyright for the photo is the owners, not mine. All image rights belong to their owners

tags: @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog @jessibelle-nerdy-mum @nonsensicalobsessions @damalseer @hiddlesbitch1 @winterisakiller @fairlightswiftly @salempoe @wolfsmom1 @black-ninja-blade

Danielle laughed into her hand as Tom made a comment regarding Benedict's incapability to say the word 'penguin’ correctly. Sophie was in a similar state, but Ben gave a warning glare as he chuckled at his friend's words.

The South Bank Sky Awards had nominated Ben for the Outstanding Achievement Award and Tom was the one to present him with it, leading to a fortnight of Tom writing and rewriting a few sentences to say while presenting it. Danielle knew the speech as well as he did in the end and the prompt cards were all but redundant, but still, Tom kept them with him, as though he felt to have them is to guarantee he would not need them.

It had been Ben that had asked Danielle if she would go before even Tom had a chance to ask her. That startled Danielle slightly but she accepted and as a result, she and Tom were photographed as they had been at events before but there was something different to this event, the media had more access to Tom and his significant other, the woman they so desperately wanted to know more of than they had ever had before. To many media outlets, it was the confirmation of the statement that it was as pure as they wanted it to be. The internet's boyfriend, a prince charming, picking the girl next door (literally) over the glamorous and gorgeous pop princess. The fact that a meeting of minds is so much more important and makes for a more true relationship. Others wanted to see if there were cracks in the relationship, if it was all for show, after all, Taylor had a solid boyfriend and was happy, so to them, Tom had to show the same and this woman, this ordinary and in their opinion, boring and blood-sucking woman, was nothing more than a tender rub at his ego, even after almost two years. No matter what the reason, the unbridled access to the pair for the evening meant that it was a new experience for Danielle, one that Tom, Ben and Sophie wanted to assist her through.

When Tom read his speech, she felt the camera on herself as well as on Ben and Sophie for their reactions, she laughed, both at Tom's words and Ben's reaction, she acted, as best she could, as though they were in each others company as they had done many times before and that the wider world was not watching.

Overall, the evening was a pleasant affair. When Danielle went to the bathroom, Tom spoke on with their friends, knowing that she was fine. Upon her return, he noted a slightly bigger smile on her face. “Everything alright?”

“I got a text from Siobhan, Laura and Evan got engaged.” She informed him. “I'll have to send them a card and gift.”

“Okay, that's….which cousin is that? Is that the one with the baby?”

“Yes…why? You can't say her name, can you?”

“No one can.” Tom scoffed. “It's an impossible name.”

“Is it an Irish name? It can't be harder than Saoirse, I remember working with her on Atonement, the first time I saw her name, I thought someone sneezed on a keyboard.” Ben commented.

“Write that name down.” Tom requested. “See if Ben and Sophie get it, they won't.”

Danielle laughed and did as requested, then handed it to Ben who just stared at it. “I…. that's harder than Saoirse.” He conceded as he handed it to Sophie who just tried to sound it out to herself. “I bet it's something normal or different sounding to its spelling, isn't it?”

“Key-lin.” Danielle sounded out.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake.” Ben exclaimed. “That makes no sense, how is the child ever supposed to say that?”

“Your opinion on words doesn't count, you can't even say penguin.” Danielle dismissed, earning laughs from Tom and Sophie as Ben stared at her.

“Wow, she went for the jugular.” Sophie laughed.

“Unbelievable.” Ben scowled.

Tom rubbed Danielle's hand as she looked somewhat apologetically at Ben, though there was a slight smile to it also. On feeling Tom rub her, she urged to face him again, smiling brightly. “So, when's the wedding?”

“They'll be looking at venues soon, they'll probably choose Galway for the wedding, the norm is the bride's parish in Ireland. It'll be a while yet, their hoping for the few days between Christmas and New Year's. I've been warned to try and plan to be free.”

“So a few months?” Danielle gave him a peculiar look. “What?”

“You would have more chance of seeing Santa than getting a Christmas time wedding venue in Ireland six months out, it's next Christmas, in 2019.” She laughed.

“Isn't that a little long?” Sophie thought back to her own wedding, recalling her mother asking her to consider doing it sooner, instead of her and Ben insisting on doing it on Valentine's Day.

“No. It's the norm for Irish engagements to be between a year and two years long. I had noticed you lot tend to rush things along a bit.”

“Well, we like to marry before we have to use zimmer frames to get down the aisle of the church.” Ben chuckled.

“Ah yeah, joke all you want. You lot are in the top ten for the highest divorce rates in the world and we have the lowest in Europe.” Danielle retorted smugly.

“I...that can't be right.” Sophie took out her phone and checked. “They do.” She declared having gotten her answer. “The Republic of Ireland have the lowest divorce rates...wow. Is it hard to get a divorce there?”

“Not an overnight thing but not too difficult, no. We just have long relationships and long engagements and if you haven't decided to split up or murder one another in that time, it lasts usually. Either that or we are way too complacent for our own good.” Danielle shrugged.

“It's not some “Catholic” thing, is it?” Ben asked curiously.

“Well, we were the first country to vote via referendum for gay marriage and it won quite comfortably, our Taoiseach is gay, and in May anti-abortion laws were voted to be overturned, that's not exactly very “Catholic”, is it?” Danielle explained. “Catholic Ireland is dead and gone.”

“You're Catholic though, right?” Sophie asked, having definitely heard Danielle refer to Catholicism before.

“My parents had me christened, I had to do the whole white communion dress thing, yes but outside of family masses, I haven't set foot in a church since my dad died. I am as about as devout a Catholic as I am vegan. I may interact with elements of the idea, but eating some broccoli doesn't constitute my being such, same as my Catholicism, an occasional mass means shite all. I couldn't remember a rosary if I tried, bar the ten Hail Mary's part.” She scoffed.

Tom listened carefully to her words, recalling that bar going to Ireland for her parents’ masses, he had noticed Danielle did indeed ignore most aspects of Catholicism, bar swearing using the name of God and whatnot. “So that's the norm for Irish people, waiting a whole year?”

“Yes, apart from saving for weddings being expensive, you won't get your choice of venue or band if you leave it too long either. Anywhere worth its salt is booked solid several months to a year in advance, and with the time Laura is looking at, don't be surprised if it is changed to the Spring or 2020 if they want Christmas and can't get it.” She shrugged.

Tom simply thought over her words before looking to Ben who seemed to be studying his reaction to them.

fic recs for my friends

yeah okay so most/all of these are davekat im sorry!! arranged in no particular order also some of them are second person I Am Sorry.

Your Interpersonal, Intergalactic Relationship: A Beginner's Guide (8,400-something words)

A beginner's guide to playing hopscotch, overcoming internalized homophobia, and falling in love with your alien best friend.

friends to lovers! p cute

So It Goes (56,845 words)

They managed to win the game somehow. He's not really sure of the details, but it's not all it's cracked up to be. He's stuck in an unfamiliar body with a thirteen year old little brother who's terrified of him.

Somehow, he is sure this is his fault.

// i have not read this one. but strider angst and davekat yes please

Red Converse (26,648 words)

Due to a seizure, Karkat Vantas now has to learn how to live his life with two speech aphasia. He goes to therapy three times a week, suffers from awful headaches, and tries to avoid people as much as possible.

Due to a traumatic experience, Dave Strider refuses to use his words, preferring to relay his snarky comments and witty banter through sign language and typing on his phone.

They meet in a waiting room.

//THIS IS REALLY GOOD Altho they do have sex just skip it dw i promise it’s worth it

how...did you tell your friends (7,906 words)

Unfortunately, you don't fancy your brother's suggestion on how to break the news to John...

There's no other way out of it, you're going to have to just tell him.

//set after homestuck, dave tries to tell the most oblivious person in the world and also his best friend (john) that he and karkat are dating and it’s literally so good

Dave Strider’s Stupid Fucking Jawline (11,607 words)

Generic high school AU. Dave's jawline is really distracting and Karkat does NOT have a crush on him (shut up, Kanaya).

//high school au. lovely. good eating.

Gray and Red (16,084 words)

In which you only see color once you meet your soulmate, and the first color you see is the same as your soulmate's eyes.

//SOULMATE AU SOULMATE AU this is kinda very Angsty (Karkat do be pining doe) it’s p good

We’re All Friends & Family Here (And Frankly, We’re Sick Of Your Shit) (68,000 somethin words)

It's been about a year since the big Fast Forward, and sure, things on Earth C aren't perfect for everyone. But they're fine. Really. It's fine. Everything is super fuckin' swell, and that's that.

It's not like one night is going to change anything.

//post homestuck GOD THIS. IS SO GOOD okay so this fic is mainly dirkjake being fucking stupid with rosemary and davekat and also a lil roxy/calliope in the bg and it’s long but!!!! so very good

Red Ties (10,705 words)

Dave Strider's eyes never turned the color of his soulmates. With his rare eye-color, there's next to no chance they simply share an eye color.

One day he meets Karkat Vantas.

//another cute soulmate au! again. love the soulmate aus what can i say

i’m at the combination dunkin donuts & urgent care (3,920 words)

Karkat Vantas is convinced beyond a doubt that his neighbor is some variety of murderer, until they actually meet in person. Highlights include blood at the laundromat, Dave's weird obsession with candles, and a box of shitty swords.

//this is SO FUNNY short n sweet i promise

the calculation (2,481 words)

the fic in which Dave gets the flu for the first time since before the game and Karkat takes care of him.

//this fic is really funny and also sweet

Start At The Beginning (9,304)

//post-homestuck, Dave and karkat falling in love. the ending to thsi made me cry

I Love Cheap Thrills (4,773 words)

You’ve been trading memes with an international pop sensation, and your drunk ass had no idea.

Classic.

//this one is verrie funnie

Locked Up (9,272 words)

Dave had always been the one best prepared for the game. He was able to handle the shit it threw at them and push it down a lot better than everyone else could.

It might have fucked up everything else about him, but that didn't matter.

He was fine.

He was always fucking fine.

//angst. very nice

I’d Tap That (oh fuck i didn’t mean to tap that) (17,041 words)

Karkat finds his old school bully on Grindr. Dave doesn't know how to shut up.

// really funny!! sorry if these are getting redundant i don’t remember the details about some of these

Pale as Bone, Pale as Water (5,305 words)

//another davekat sickfic

Apple Juice, Chips, and Bandages (5,335 words)

Every time he comes in he gets the same three things. A bottle of apple juice, a bag of chips, and bandages.

//really cute!! they’re liddol and they’re friends it’s nice

The Land of Blood and Childhood Trauma (8,242 words)

When two dreambubbles collide, two anti-social assholes are forced to help each other through it.

//not quite as Angsty as it sounds! it’s good

ecdysis (6,077 words)

Karkat goes through his adult molt. Dave does his best to take it in stride.

//so i actually haven’t read this thought I did but Uh have it anyway it looks good

Self Sabotage and Other Symptoms of a Damaged Soul (10,698 words)

//basically dave grapples with his internalized homophobia, etc. very good

turntechGodhead is offline (36,999 words)

//I’ve already ranted to you guys enough about this you know what it’s abt it’s SO FREAKING GOOD

A Ten Step Plan For Wooing Karkat Vantas, Featuring A Multitude Of Illustrations By Your Esteemed Authors, As Well As Tips For The Aforementioned Wooing (11,261 words)

Kanaya, because she's a saint, makes you a list.

The list is entitled "A Ten Step Plan For Wooing Karkat Vantas" and features a multitude of illustrations in purple pen.

"So we're doing this," you say. Your mouth threatens to twitch into something dangerously smile-shaped.

"Yes," says Kanaya. "We are making this happen."

"Hell yes."

//dave n karkat! they go on a date. stuff happens. it’s really good

Catching Colds on a Rock in the Middle of Space (15,887)

Rose catches a bad cold and it slowly spreads to the rest of the meteor crew. None of them are particularly good at admitting they're sick, let alone looking after themselves, but at least they're decent at caring for each other.

//rosemary and davekat! VERY sweet

Dave’s Girl (2,527 words)

The thing is no one knew anything more about "Kitty" other than her delicious cooking (Dave obviously doesn't want to share – ever) but the guys are more or less already in love with her. Drew insists she's probably this blond bombshell with big, blue eyes, all curves with legs that go on forever and a great rack... Practically everyone in the team has their own opinion.

//this is so funny and also im a sucker for these kinds of tropes so it’s great

Songs Made on the Meteor (27,762 words)

Dave makes music and they fall in love.

//on my to-read list! it looks good

Looks Just Like The Sun (12,231 words)

“Holy shit,” you whisper. Dave joins you at the window.

There are no stars left in the sky. Nothing but blackness and a faint soap bubble sheen.

“Is that a dream bubble?” Dave says.

And then it swallows you.

//okay. does this have explicit sex? yes. does it have a very explicit image? yes. HOWEVER (hear me out here) I firmly believe that if you whizz pass those parts, this is a very good fic with great characterization and fun banter. send tweet

aight happy reading

(I just got back from the theatre and need to get out all of my thoughts or else I won’t be able to sleep el oh el)

goldfinch hot takes + questions

1. right off the bat: super weird pacing. the slowness worked in some parts and gave them more emphasis but it’s easy to lose interest when almost the entire movie functions that way.

2. it was,,,,interesting how it skipped around too say the least but the movie became completely incomprehensible havxjdjsjsb literally made zero sense. plus it made irrelevant scenes get way more attention than the more important ones

3. why did they whisper literally all the time. what the fuck please speak up I cannot hear you. also the nearly constant silence made it so awkward at times, not sure if that was intentional or not

4. where were the doormen? >:^( I feel like we missed out on some more characterization of theo based on his relationship with them

5. why did they put such an emphasis on theo’s relationship with mrs. barbour?

6. hobie was neither kind nor gentle. what was up with that. like he was a cool guy but did not seem friendly or parental :/

7. we were robbed of workshop scenes where it’s just beautiful shots of antiques in slanted, warm, afternoon sun

8. LAS VEGAS BABY!!!!!! tbh almost could be the saving grace of the whole movie, things started to finally pick up pace and sarah paulson was a fantastic xandra and the entirely unique atmosphere of that section really captured how harrowing it was

9. FINN WOLFHARD. ohhhh my god BORIS BORIS BORIS i cannot get over him. literally I just want to edit a compilation of every scene he’s in and that’ll be the whole movie. love that spastic little russian boy. he was so raw and emotional and beautiful and FUNNY!!!!! by FAR he was my favorite part of the movie. so fun to watch him play this character and so heart wrenching to see how the really tender scenes between theo and boris in the book played out on screen. i could make a whole separate list just on their dynamic. love <3

10. where was the part where theo ran into mr. barbour???

11. older pippa was beautiful and matched the book perfectly but that doesn’t mean her scenes with theo weren’t all incredibly awkward (which i guess makes sense as he’s more obsessed with her being tied to his mom than as a romantic interest, so it works, but still)

12. kitsey actually did great, she was exactly as unlikeable and distant yet icily pretty as in the book

13. nicole kidman...you look like miss hillary clinton but I love you for it babe

14. a lot of repetition? some reoccurring flashbacks felt a little unnecessary and redundant

15. I wish lucius reeve’s character had been elaborated on a bit more, he seemed tossed in a little haphazardly and it would’ve been nice to have more context

16. ansel was beautiful as theo in my opinion. I think he threw in just the correct amount to make theo a bit of an asshole but in the right way and handled the repression and emotion that comes with the character well

17. aneurin barnard’s funky teeth

18. really liked the sort of constantly jittery, high, adrenaline-based dynamic between the older theo and boris and how much they always have and still cared for each other. aneurin’s emotion was lovely and you can tell that boris still loves theo (+ vice versa)

19. the whole amsterdam debacle felt really rushed, and it seemed like a lot of important bits of the buildup and story were lost when it was rushed like that

20. but like.....how was boris able to heal his bullet wound?? he got shot in the shoulder and was fine the next scene I want to know what happened

21. the ending seemed a little lazy, just theo coming home safe and sound, no repercussions with kitsey or hobie, no sign of boris anywhere, and then another flashback to the museum. I wanted it to be a little more conclusive

22. overall I was just so excited to finally see it that I don’t care all that much that it wasn’t the best. I really really loved certain parts of it and certain parts not so much, but i’m not mad at all about the final product.

[1/?] I waited for when u posted all of For Science and I just finished binge reading it all and I Love Ur Writing So Much. I literally cannot begin to explain how much I love it, I feel like anything I say will just sound redundant/cliché and no words can express how much I enjoyed this story but I genuinely mean everything: I loved all the character development and relationship developments for starters!!! obviously OC and Jungkook’s but also how OC and Tae and Hobi and Yoori became so tight-

when Jungkook left!!!! because at first it was kinda like she was all about Jungkook and I almost felt bad for Tae and Hobi when she saw them as kinda secondary? but I love how that changed by the end! and I like how Yoori and the nerd squad are closer now, not too polite and more comfortable around each other! even tho I was kinda annoyed at Yoori when she implied Hobi and Tae were kinda inferior to her and OC before but they’re all close now so that’s all that matters I guess lol!! I also really love how there were no boring or slow parts to ur writing, like no unnecessary waffling or description or anything. not to say that u didn’t describe enough or something, it was the perfect amount! I just don’t like when narratives drag and I’m like okay what next lol imo ur writing was just?? Great??? like I can’t fault it now that I’m thinking back? I really love all the relationships with each other and how u resolved everything in a way that doesn’t seem forced or awkward or cliché, like even when OC found out Hobi liked her it could’ve been hella awkward after and he could’ve just went off and they wouldn’t be friends anymore but I love the direction u took this story in! it was so refreshing to me and entertaining to read! u steered thru the whole story well, especially when Jungkook came back. I was pissed at him, rightfully so in OC’s shoes lol, but I like how long FS 7 was and I liked how the slowburn really showed the development and rebuilding of their relationship. if it happened too quickly I was gonna slap myself (OC) for that, and also think ‘wtf we didnt come this far just to jump back into his arms’. literally as I was reading FS 7 I honestly thought to myself “make jungkook work for it” LMAO AND OC DID so I’m satisfied lol!! also the reconciliation scenes with Hobi, Tae and Yoori didn’t seem cliché or dramatic to me if u were worried about that (going off on ur warnings of that chapter) it felt like the right--FUCK MY INTERNET it said part 6 of this long love message to u couldn’t be sent and I can’t entirely remember what I got up to saying 😩 I think I was saying -it wasn’t too cliché or awkward (I cant remember what now but pls know I mean it, I just have bad memory and I’m writing this in real time so minutes have passed between each ask oKaY. I’m just gonna move on) also I love how everything ended with JK and OC’s relationship, but I also love the nerd squad’s relationship and I’m gonna miss their whole group dynamic 😩 sorry i’ve sent so many asks already but as much as I love a good romance, I really love ensemble fics so much (is that even a thing? do u know what I mean? lol) but only when it’s done right! aka when OC has a good/close relationship with all of them/them with each other, and I feel like u portrayed that really well so I love it!!! I love all the characters’ individual personalities too and despite being different in some aspects, they’re still friends. ALSO (I remembered some of what I originally said before that ask was lost) I love their banter and how they have friday game nights and how they’re all so comfortable with each other!!!! okay I’ll stop gushing about the nerd squad now lol hsjfjdj. I can’t remember exactly how I came across ur account, I think I prob saw someone rec FS and I decided to follow and wait until all the parts were out to read (I’m sorry I just love binge reading It’s Who I Am) but I’m so glad I came across u and this story and that I read it :’) lately I feel like I’ve kinda been in a reading slump, if I can even call it that? lol I just feel like anything I read these days doesn’t make me Feel Things anymore so I’m always trying to find good stuff to read but FS made me Feel Things!!! not even just Smutty Things but I genuinely enjoyed the plot, characters, setting, tropes, development, relationships, everything in this fic!!! so thank u for sharing ur wonderful writing with us :^) also I’m sorry this is so long I just properly wanted to convey how much I enjoyed this story thru this love letter for u 💌 I still feel like I prob couldve said things better but I suck with words, take me as I am!!! p.s. pls dont think FS is a flop, idk why there arent as many notes for FS 7 but judging by the notes of previous parts (which is A Lot wowie), maybe it takes some time? FS is definitely one of my fave stories I’ve read tho, i hope u know that 💖 (forget notes, remember MY LOVE!!!)

I really can’t get over this I want to save it and frame it. Thank you so much for taking the time to write this out and please don’t apologize for the length, there’s more to appreciate. I’m really grateful for this type of feedback you have no idea. I’m super glad you enjoyed it and that it didn’t fall into your slump. Its a huge goal of mine to be able to make things that people can come back to and continue to enjoy even if they know the plot already. I promise I’m not obsessing and torturing myself over the notes, its more like I’m obsessing over whether or not this thing that I put out into the tumblr universe will have any effect you know? This ask is super reaffirming because I feel like ppl forget sometimes that even if someone isn’t making their first fic, each time you post something is a little piece of something you worked on and putting that out doesn’t get that much easier for me. LONG story short thank you for this and I love you!! I’ve been avoiding my ask box because of finals but im looking through it now and theres so much kindness. thank you so much  

So I kind of just need a place to let it all out.

If you don’t want to hear me ranting about my truest encounter with the embodiment of male privilege, the stereotype of millennials, and even bad stereotypes about queerfolk - that I’ve ever encountered in a single being - please keep scrolling and /ignore. But it’s better to rant about it here in this contained area than have it wank up in an SM area that is adjacent to a growing business profile. If someone finds it, okay, I have nothing to hide, but still, better to keep clear air over there rather than kick up in main venues.

But holy shit.

Like.

Beware: Much cussing afoot. Minding through this journey this guy is trying to demolish weeks of my work and tried to use my credit card and busting up people’s hubs and turning friends on each other and all kinds of stuff. This is my personal blog and at this point, I’m furious. 

 Okay so I’m going to start with CultFans. Some of you saw some of the work done. Let me tell you a little bit about how CF started. (and before making any judgments about CF because of this dude as described below, read the whole thing and understand how it’s changed now.)

There was a little podcast called Order of the Outpost. The Outpost is a small CW summer show with a tiny fandom, but I watch it because... well, it’s honestly an indie studio getting its first real shot and struggling through a lack of budget to swing with the big dogs and fuck yes I am trash for that kind of content. But anyway, OotO was started by a girl named Kira, who formerly ran The Lit Round Table for the Librarians fandom, and producer Dean Devlin showed up on it at one point. She got to go to set with the others. It was cool! Dean also signed on to support Outpost next to Arrowstorm, so heyyyyy it was just sort of a neat idea, maybe he’ll show back up one day and if not, we can nerd meta talk.

Several people pile in. One is this dude who happened to make semi-friends with a young actress getting a role in the show, who referred a few people to the stream. The problem is, when people got there, the streams went a few hours, it wasn’t structured - but I mean, that’s understandable. It’s a young fan stream in a young fandom, there’s not gonna be a lot of structure. And we don’t want to take over her podcast with a RuEL oF lAW but we see that the last guest got visibly exhausted. In fact, it was bad enough Shea and I left the call because it had run for 2 1/2 hours and that was just ridiculous. But it left Kira and... dude with the one semifriend actress (Tim/TJ). So the call went into eternity.

I felt bad for Josh (the set guy that was there) and thought - okay, I mean, I have the experience to help this keep rolling, but things have to change. You don’t want to change up her podcast but... if you want guests to stay engaged something has to change. So I propose making like, a second feature. This proposal was originally a second piece of content/second show on the same channel, but Dude With The SemiFriendish Actress ran off and, while I was checking my funds to consider investing in a website, registered a separate social media account, already started spamming tags out and alerting people about a change... okay, weird and unnecessary but whatever, roll with it.

He says he likes the idea of a more professional environment so that’s why he ran off and made the separate channel. I ask if he can invest in it at all. He says no. Okay, well, we need better than what we have, if we want any agents to take us seriously, so I drop the hard cash for website, domain, etc etc up front. I let him know it’s gonna be a hard road if he wants to do that kind of thing, he says he gets it and will listen.Totally open to feedback since I know what I’m doing and I’m totally an owner because I’m investing. Cool. So we do our first independent podcast which ends up being like... an hour and a half of him interrupting everything and talking at the guest. Flashbacks to the call with Josh, which dude COMPLETELY blamed Kira for. Even though he was one of two participants. 

I pull him aside, say that’s not okay, that’s still way too long. We’re gonna start scripting it. Nobody’s here to see you talk, dude, or hear your opinion. If you want an opinion stream, go to OotO, you’re supposed to be supporting guests. That’s why they show up - publicity for a small studio. Says he gets it... give him a script. I start working on videos. He visits OotO one more time and drops a GIANT PR BOMB I DARE NOT REPEAT BUT IT COULD HAVE COST SOMEBODY THEIR JOB. (for the record, it’s something it turns out he completely hyperbolically inflated to make himself look good and turned up completely false but this isn’t shit you play around with son, these are careers.) We lock down the OotO stream and scrub it. He does a thousand frowny faces and apologizes and says he gets it. Okay! He’s new to this... will give another chance. 

Now, let me insert, I love Sonalii Castillo to death. She’s talented in every way imaginable and a sweetheart. But she is not a big name. She deserves to be a big name, but she isn’t there yet. Her star meter floats at about the same level as TAW, if that gives you any idea, only she’s not a complete shitlord like TAW - she just hasn’t gotten a lucky break yet. But due to huffing crack from talking to her, dude sets up a patreon. We’re so new we have like 6 subscribers but he makes tiers like “$200/month TJ will add you to PS4 and play games with you.” Who the fuck are you dude??? Who is going to do that??? What the fuck? I tell him to take that shit down.

And... another. Dude, who all are you emailing? Wait, why do we have a new email? Wait, you registered an email on top of my domain? That we don’t have access to? Wait - what? Make a fucking spreadsheet, what the fuck is going on. 

“Make a spreadsheet” - he comes back with this eye bleeding hot mess:

Just... pages of that. (Contacts blacked out for obvious reasons) O-...okay... he’s... he’s trying, I guess? Need contact to the email to see what you’ve said so we can follow up. Wait, you have THREE emails? Okay - he - he let us in one. Good enough for fucking now I guess, despite bitching him out to not do things in private.

Find him sending two page bricks about his aspergers and hopes and dreams to agents when they ask for more details. Uh- that’s... that’s not what they meant dude? “I didn’t realize-” dude there’s aspergers and then there’s just being completely- like- ridiculous. Dude, I have aspergers. And boy did he pitch that as an excuse every chance he got. Either you’re cut out for this kind of work or you’re not.

So I’m going behind, scrubbing on audio and video PR bombs, busted agent rep, vats of what turns out to be HUNDREDS of emails, writing scripts, making videos and even running the live broadcast because nobody else can handle it - oh, and paid for the site, because, you know, it was me saying we needed a better environment to begin with that kicked this off, but I never meant to completely break away but WHATEVER it is what it is. I made a point to keep attending OotO while, unsurprisingly, he dropped them cold.

He convinces a comic shop owner to give him swag for a light sponsorship deal for advertisement-vs-giveaway - cool, that’s cool. Inventory it. But he wants to keep this super rare rogue poster! Did he give it to you as a gift or as a sponsorship? ...For a giveaway. Okay, then you don’t keep that, that’s fraud. [pouty face]

Keep in mind this dude is 25.

He keeps turning up going “look at the stuff I got from the comic shop for giveaways!” and we’re like, dude, stop spending money, we don’t have money, you’re on welfare, knock it off until we get some sort of income. DONT TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH MY MONEY okay but if that’s your money that’s on you, I’m not taking that as an investment I’m going to have to pay back when we keep saying to stop buying shit. INVENTORY it so we can BUNDLE it and make GIVEAWAYS. Took like a month of me telling him this for him to inventory a grand total of like 12 items. 

So I got him to close his utterly failed patreon and opened one of my own, that stayed in MY management, and he starts bitching for the login. Dude, you didn’t give me yours? You literally won’t give me anything that has a card on it so why am I going to give it to you? We’re not the ones blowing random money left and right? If there’s an expense to pay back, minding of course I’m the one that’s invested triple digits in this and he’s... spastically bought random swag at a comic book store and registered a redundant email on top of my domain that clogs up my ability to use *MY* free email in my package, while paying a few cents a day on it - I’ll fucking paypal you the money dude. If I get hit by a bus tomorrow Shea lives in the same house and can handle it. You don’t need my login creds.

I mean by now, there’s already huge red flags. Add in calling us each and rambling at us three hours a day about jack schitt all nothing while we say we’re trying to do work and mostly just talking about himself, kinda like he does on live air. Serious major narcissism shows, increasing creepiness with female guests, his weird obsession with anything money based, impulse spending, oh and he takes this “I’m the creator” attitude. ???? I... bought everything? And... Shea and I make... literally all of the resulting product? ???? You... ran off early and registered an SM account???? What did you create? Oh, it was “his idea”... right... okay. Yeah, no it wasn’t. Cue arguments and shitfits about it starting up.

But hey, I’m going to stay on point because we have a good thing going.

Again, HUNDREDS of emails. Try to navigate that hellhole of a spreadsheet and eventually just go “Fuck it, I’ll reformat, and make him fill in the other parts,”

Tada, a spreadsheet you can actually like, find shit. Suddenly the other team members could understand what the fuck was going on. I put in a date of contact, and email of contact field (now it’s all uniform now that we’ve cleaned up, but there were FOUR emails bouncing in there that he was doubletapping people from, once I made him type it out). Made him go find his own bullshit and put in dates/emails while haranguing him into giving us access to all but one email, and he pitched a fit saying his personal payment details were on it (because he chose to register the gsuite ON TOP OF MY DOMAIN just because he had limited delegated access to my godaddy I guess. IDK how Gsuite gets signed up for but I’ll just guess randos can’t do it without SOME kind of access)

Well, keep in mind, I’d been spending bare minimum 6, often 18 hours a week resorting emails, ELI5ing basic business or even basic human engagement, on top of my scripting and video work and everything else, because I bought into the “nobody ever gives me a chance” whining. And I’m all about giving people chances to do things they have fire to do. Literally all we’re asking for is to like, spellcheck his work (he was posting things through the blog like “Exlcusive”), not be a PR bomb, and sort out his shit (spreadsheets, emails) so I didn’t always have to clean up over him. Not exactly exorbitant work standards. Also stay relatively on script because, well, nobody wants to attend a stream for 2 1/2 hours, 2 hours of which is him talking at everyone instead of pulling information from the guests or engaging on behalf of an audience.  But he’s trying, I tell myself! Against my better judgment. And, well, at least he contributes to paying imdbpro? 

Well, I thought he did. Until I found out he was on a free trial and that expired. Sooo guess who had to register for the next trial? [this guy thumbs] Guess who started demanding access despite not allowing access before because of payment creds?

Because I’ve worked in stuff before, I run this by an old art director that’s worked on some pretty big shit. She doesn’t know anyone on the stream from Adam but HONES in on TJ. Her “protect the model” instinct kicked in immediately with how he was engaging female guests. “Mouth breathing basement dwelling perv” was the vibe she got off of him, without any prompting, and she immediately skeeved out. “He’s a problem, he’s a huge problem.” And I legit hadn’t said SHIT to her. She apparently saw the look on my face and was like “What?”  so, storytime kicked in. But I did still make excuses for him. He’s an aspie, sometimes we’re weird about how we communicate, our tones are off, it may just be a quirk outside of his control - etc etc. But all this other shit has built up despite my thousand excuses I’ve run for him (and some I’ve completely brushed over in this novel) She also noted he choked on the McNally interview - that we were all nervous but he was squeaky. I said that was my fault, I rode his ass too hard about staying on script, poor baby was trying, that was a my bad. 

And there’s parts I haven’t even touched on, TBH.

But let’s review where we’re at

Original OotO stream

I still attend, he drops Kira cold

He’s bitching in private quarters that he can’t stand her

I still try to refer guests we get to her 

He starts dragging her when off air to blockade her getting guests

I now lose my shit on him

More frowny faces

after PR bombs

after unsorted emails

after the eyebleeding spreadsheet

After wrecking connections to a few agencies

After many long talks

after him running off script for weeks

After an art director spots him as a problem immediately

After I do all scripting, videos, and broadcasting

After Shea does all the graphics

After we made all of the triple digit investment

Dude randomly thinks he owns it because he bolted off to register an SM first

Seriously

But wait, there’s MORE!

Dude starts pitching bitches that I put out deadlines. Because he’s done things like try to bait guests on live air to make commitments to him and all kinds of shit, and I’m hard scripting it now to PREVENT that. But if the artists are gonna get the script in a time they can yay/nay we need to get it to them BEFORE THE FINAL HOUR. So he misses deadlines and then expects everyone to hand him their questions and work so he can be on the whole stream after he fucked off for a week and failed to even SUBMIT A QUESTION TO BE SCRIPTED? Um, NO? Guess who loses his shit about “his baby.” Oh boy, the entire team has a comeapart on him at this point.

He comes forward with telling the story of how the australian version of welfare (I forget what it’s called? Centerpoint? Some shit like that?) is up his ass to get a job but they’re getting “off his ass” because he’s “trying to make a business” and he’s happy about that, so he “might get a part time job, if he has to" but he wants to finally move out, get a two bedroom apartment. Dude, I point out, if there’s ANY money in this at ALL it is a LONG way away so get the fucking job.

He apologizes, says he gets it... whatever. But boy, an older, not-classically-attractive and not-big-name male guest? He suddenly doesn’t give a shit. Like, no questions, outright says he doesn’t care if he’s on it. But - but Jennifer is the week after!! He absolutely has to be there!!! Uh, why? Do you know anything about what a producer even DOES? Well, no. But he’s bouncing on Charan so he should be in the front THERE. Okay, so what are you going to ask her. Oh, he has no idea. But there’s going to be a GIRL on the stream to talk at, so hey!

But here we are right after I say it was my fault he was choking on McNally’s interview and he runs 15 minutes off script on the next one AND tries to talk over me for a SOLID MINUTE during our scripted wrap. I manage to end the broadcast, I drop mention of OotO to the guest and he goes OFF about it being an unbearable stream; like yes I will be honest literally everybody jokes about her laugh but saying “just letting you know it’s unstructured-” isn’t an invite to go off calling her stream a hot mess and yes, once you go off about her laugh everybody’s gonna laugh a bit and chuckle it off and roll long enough to not go off on you in front of an actor but everybody else knew to shut it down with “but Kira’s sweet” and end it. And nothing about her having any kind of laugh is worth HARDBALL BLOCKADING her getting guests. It’s fair to warn them that it isn’t structured like an interview, because, you know - well, let’s not blindside them, but that still WORKS for some personalities. That DOESNT mean you go off calling it a hot mess and all kinds of other shit. And people lightly rolling with it long enough to not make you look like a TREMENDOUS THUNDERCUNT and make a scene in front of an actor they KNOW you will blow up on us in front of does not WARRANT that behavior, catch a clue when everybody’s cutting it off with “But she’s a sweet girl” dude. Or the fact that SOME OF US STILL GO TO HER STREAM. You’re the one that hard dropped her.

But after the last time he dragged Kira I went off on him. I even deadass told him the feedback from the art director finally. I try to sort his vat of emails to cool off, and wake up in the morning to an ENTIRE INBOX full of him shittily forwarding things from his private email we said he shouldn’t even HAVE, full of attitude about me doubletapping a few clients, after HE put the wrong contact date/email in the sheet BY HIS OWN HAND. Like, I’m supposed to psychically know what’s in his fucking private email he won’t cough up when he put the wrong data down.

So here I am, cup of coffee still untouched, put my butt down in the chair, see an inbox FULL of him being a wumbo sized shitlord and he starts calling me on Hangouts, like he must have seen my indicator turn green. Again, keep in mind him being notorious for three hour phonecalls about nothing, and/or arguing. So I decline. He calls again. I decline. He calls again. I answer. “What.”

Long silence.

“I’m not creepy.”

“Come again?”

Long silence. “I listened to the stream. I don’t sound creepy.”

“Dude, a creepy sounding dude isn’t going to think you sound creepy. And it’s not just the art director. I’ve gotten that from a few other viewers.” 

Long silence. He starts trying to argue and I cut him off. Like, no dude. After all of this shit, after ALL of this, after we have literally built and invested in ALL of this when you don’t have a single goddamn skill sufficient for the job and we spend full work weeks trying to mentor you while trying to do other shit, you had the audacity to talk over me during our wrap THEN DRAG KIRA.

“Well I didn’t realize I was doing it.”

“Okay?”

“What do you mean okay?”

“I mean, okay? What do you want me to say to that? If you have something going on in your head that somehow makes you unable to process you’re trying to talk over someone for a solid minute, during a point that has literally been part of a routine for a month and a half, what do you want me to say?”

Long awkward pause. “So how do we fix it?”

“I don’t know, dude. I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried scripting, teaching you metronome, I’ve tried moving your position around in the stream to see if you sync somewhere better, I’ve tried having you watch other interviews, I’ve tried giving you templates. I’ve tried being gentle, being firm, I’ve tried outright bitching you out. And if you don’t even realize you’re doing these things, I don’t know how to make you fix them. I’m a production coordinator, not a psychologist.”

“But... how do we fix it?”

“I... just said I don’t know.”

“Yeah but I mean, how do we fix it.”

“I mean you can keep asking me that over and over but I just told you, I’ve done everything I can even think of at this point to make this work and to give you chances that I am in no way obligated to give you. And you know, through all of this, I haven’t even gotten a single thank you from you? For even giving you a chance to be part of this?”

Awkward silence. “But it’s m-”

“Don’t start that it’s mine shit. There is no universe in which this is yours. And if you want to play that, I can walk with the site, the domain you registered your emails on, my videos, broadcasting software, Shea’s design and my general understanding on how any of this works, like I could have done a month ago from your bullshit, and you can try to do it with a google hangouts and a wix site and see how that works.”

Awkward silence. “Well how do -”

“I swear to god if you ask me how to fix it one more time I’m hanging up. [Brief silence] Okay, so how about you tell me how to fix it, instead?”

He’s quiet a minute. “I don’t know.”

“Okay well if I’ve reached the limit of my ability to think on how to fix it, and you don’t know how to fix it, I’m going to need you to try harder.”

He loops this cycle several times. In hindsight, I’m aware now, he was trying to make me be the wicked witch that kicked him out. But I wasn’t. He came up on his own, “Maybe I should take a step back.”

“Is that what you think will fix it?”

“Yeah. I mean. Maybe. But... if I step back... what do I get out of it?”

“...Come again?”

“I mean, if I step back, what kind of money do I get.”

...????

??????

“Okay, look dude, what money? There IS no money. There’s like 5 bucks in a patreon when I paid out well over 100 bucks in startup costs. These problems, all of these problems, these explosions in the team all have one source. It’s that simple. If you think you stepping back fixes it, I’m not going to stop you, but there IS no money.”

“But what about if you start MAKING money?”

“...what?”

“Like in a few years, this gets big. I mean, I created it and all - I get money, right?”

“What did you create?”

Crickets. Finally, “It was my idea.”

“No, dude, it was everyone’s idea. And even if it was your idea, which it wasn’t, an idea is just an idea. I have an idea that I’d love to genetically splice a lizard back into being a T-Rex but if I have no idea how to fucking do it and someone else does all the work for that, they’re the creator of the goddamn new T-Rex, so you can put that down right now.”

Awkward silence. Says he has to think. Hangs up.

Okay well, I have an interview to prerecord, so we just get to rolling.

He comes back in the NEXT MORNING bitching about money again. And not even just about money. 

So here’s the deal. Yet again, like many a morning recently, I approach with an untouched cup of coffee, sit down... and there is a WALL OF BRICKS in our team chat. Why? Because Shea fucking triggered on him like two hours ago and they haven’t stopped. Shea, a woman with more than 10 years management experience, who was supposed to handle any money we DID get coming in, was out working her 55 hour a week shitty retail job (for the record, due to being physically broken beyond function I am on disability, but I worked until I couldn’t do it anymore, literally, and at least it’s SOME income), when he came in saying, I shit you not, that he needed “that money” because he never wants to have to work retail, sales, or food and he shouldn’t have to get a part time job at Samsung.

What the fuck? Who the fuck are you dude? Needless to say, Shea went postal in righteous anger. And we ALL had righteous anger of our own. Our work, our history in regular work force, our input in this, and asking him what he thinks any of us should get paid for our work or how much he thinks this is going to pull for him to move into a two bedroom apartment. Does only he get paid if we somehow start pulling a few thousand dollars? And is he going to give anything back to Arrowstorm? To Sonalii? How much does he think this digital business is going to be paying in the first year? 10K? 20? or does only him getting a few thousand dollars count? Arrowstorm is indie, don’t just ride their shit to fame as your goal dude, that’s not how this fucking works. Even Stacy, sweetest pea in the pod that hates confrontation, bricked him about the need to respect Arrowstorm and how hard this all is. And what do you even do to justify making all the money? He fills out the imdb spreadsheet, he says. That original hot mess that I had to reformat. And sends emails, that I have to clean up after him. That takes TIME. I bundled it up and did the math like I did and said he was running an average of 1-2 hours a week of work. But he’s super busy. That’s his excuse. We just dont KNOW what his life is like.

Meanwhile we get wind he’s going back to Kira, after ALL THE SHIT DRAGGING HE DID OF HER, and abandoning her stream which I was STILL going to every week. Why? Because everybody’s sick of his shit here, so he’ll go there for convenience, I guess, since he burned everybody up here. And when we confront him about how shitty and gross that is, he tries to justify it but gets reamed. Tries to blame it on how busy he’s been too. Super busy. A wall of busy. And it’s a fantastic busy wall.

Dude goes dead silent on everybody. Kay, well, we have final prep for a live feature with THE ARROWSTORM PRODUCER the next day so we get back to our shit, because we’re sick of him derailing everything. Wake up in the morning to him trying to ultimatum US about the emails we said he shouldn’t have and leaving. So, you know. That was a thing. And we get a notice that he tried to set the FB to delete. Now it becomes a mad dash to password change EVERYTHING. And change all of the recovery options. Luckily my godaddy account was already delegated and restricted access but I go to doublecheck and THIS motherfucker has a domain registration package IN MY CHECKOUT CART. What. The FUCK. Luckily he can’t see or use my payment details but I screenshot that shit. I still have to be live with the producer in a few hours and put on a good face. Like the last interview, it went great without him (barring a tech difficulty that slammed us because of my shitty tech). She said she had a great time. Said she was gonna text the leads in the show (which IS a CW show) to get in contact with us. We smile and wave and thank her and off she goes.

I look back in hangouts and he’s bitching about the emails, I tell him just delete the shit dude, I can register them again, I’m not an idiot and already backed everything up to a zip folder and if there’s downtime it’s the weekend and agents won’t be answering anyway while I put it back up, I don’t give a shit but HEY, while we’re at it, I’m super curious about why I spotted this in my checkout cart and why you pitched a bitch about your access levels suddenly. You know, right before I password locked you out. So are you going from passive fraud of accidentally keeping things from the comic store to active fraud using my card to buy shit? Luckily I’m smarter than you, son.

Oh, the excuses flowed. It was an accident. He didn’t realize, he was just checking how much it would cost (like they don’t show that before you select), IDK, they never found the bodies was probably next.

So I dig in google history to make sure other weird shit wasn’t going on and make sure he was locked out of everything and find that this dumb motherfucker set the group email to be his microsoft account so both microsoft AND google were tracking him and this fuckface was playing more than 60+ hours of random games and bullshit a *week.* And I don’t mean like “might have left it running when he left the house” games, I mean rotating titles every 30-45 minutes was common. You could literally see when he’d try to initiate his three hour google calls, then hang up and go play Marvel, then pick a fight and when people got pissed, turned around and played asphalt, then came back to complain about money, and then when people bitched at him went on grindr or looked up a mix of ageplay and/or pedo porn. Like it’s RIGHT THERE in the tracking history and it’s hard to miss because *he’s the only fucker in australia in the team* and you can track the logins. Mine are all like searching for the acting reels i need or whatever to build their video features then his is like Hungry Sharks > Asphalt 8 > FIFA > Grindr > Some PotC game and so on. The occasional single googling of an article. And you can track this shit going on every day for WEEKS. So I bold ass call that out.

Like, you’re too busy to put in more work or to talk to Kira until it’s convenient to you but you can do [list of 20 apps] for 9 hours a day? On TOP of calling each of us for hours? What the FUCK?

He starts typing to argue back and I’m like, no motherfucker, don’t start. You are literally in here, hoping to work on the actual product being created by people with the work skills making this happen, claiming it’s your creation just because you ran off half cocked and made an SM account you tagged us into and it would look weird to break off AGAIN from OotO, so we ran with it but have literally put in every penny and working hour and bit of product to this and you expect us to wire you any and all cash out of it because what? You LITERALLY have said you just don’t want to work, you LITERALLY have done NOTHING but eat up our time while we give you endless chances, and you’re on here doing [list of 20 more apps] and googling a site once a day as your labor into this expecting cash to just pour into your pockets? Are you on crack?

Typing again, 

No dude, we’re not here to pave your way. 

Delete... typing again.

No, dude, you’re looking to make a quick buck on everybody else’s work and that’s not gonna fly.

Delete... typing again.

Dude, don’t even, it’s RIGHT THERE in the google history.

...[Tim has left this group]

Okay. Whatever. Ding dong the bitch is dead, we have more work to do. I onboard a few friends to help out with my video/transcripting load - not that TIm ever did any of that anyway - and get to work. I just leave it out of public. Keep rolling. In 2 days we get more work done than I usually did in 2 weeks because, guess what, I’m not cleaning up a manchild’s messes and getting called hours on end and having to argue about basic common sense. And I mean tangible work. Like, now we’re literally a month ahead on prep for our content that we were always running to the last minute on, off of a few DAYS of work. The rest is all time to grow and settle in now.

Turn around... find out his ass is subtweeting us. And not just subtweeting, he’s claiming it was discrimination because he was gay.

I shit you not.

He’s out there saying that Grindr was used to “throw his sexuality in his face” despite being on a list of like 20394203942039420394203942039420394 apps he was fucking around with all fucking day while pitching this attitude. *And* claiming someone was “creepy” for “checking out his browsing history.” not that I checked out *our group account history* because he was *trying to spend money on my card and tried to delete our facebook*, but hey. Spin it how you want, I guess?

My friend, who joined the hangout, and by proxy it loaded the chat history, called him on his shit. Who, by the way, is queer. Like no, motherfucker, this is just your own lazy spoiled entitled ass making its own bed, if it was a straight chat site you’d be getting bitched out for doing Fuck All just the same, what the fuck. I don’t care if it was eHarmony listed in there amidst all the games. Deal with your shit. He blocks her. Blocks everyone. Starts messaging people that are liking said friend’s comments on the thread going “I see you noticed the thread-” and trying his bullshit schpiel on them. Sorry dude. These are people I’ve built rapport with for years and know my work ethic, better luck next fucking time.

And the proof is in the pudding. I’ve gone from being entirely MIA and unreachable for weeks at a time drowning in this shit to being a month ahead on work, with said-friend only having to put in like 3-4 hours of useful additions (rather than basically working against us 16~ hours a week) and boom, we’re way ahead of the curve now! I’m talking to people again! Shit called. Mischief managed.

But if you ever want the image of a thousand stereotypes in one ball

a 25 year old white dude that is creepy as fuck with female guests to the point almost everybody picks up on it, lives with his mother, has never worked a job in his life, thinks breathing in his vicinity or playing games with him is reason to throw money at him, thinks he owns anything he looks in the direction of and thinks he should get all the money; and, on the other hand, falls into the (GENERALLY FAKE) stereotype that calls of discrimination against LGBT folk are just excuses (WHICH IS SHIT THAT MAKES IT HARDER WHEN ACTUAL DISCRIMINATION HITS).  *AND* having the audacity to go public about it *AFTER* we tried to quietly let him walk. The literal embodiment of the worst of every fucking stereotype rolled into one, from lazy young generation to men taking credit over the work women do and feeling superior to even attitudes that make honest hard-working LGBT folk have a hell of a time in the world when real discrimination hits.

AND HE WONDERS WHY HE’S UNEMPLOYABLE.

HOLY. SHIT.

...[flips tables]

For the record, here is said friend calling his shit. Some of you may know her, too. 

So there, my rant of the day.

Men. Are fucking. Exhausting. Oh. My god.

But now, we’re ahead. We’re pulling ahead. We’re going to be stable and strong and we’re now poised to even increase our number of guests on the week, especially if those emails from the leads come in. We can take the punches, and everybody’s comfortable on interviews without him being weird on them now, and things are going places.

But christ on a coconut. This is literally *WHY* it’s so hard to get given a chance in the world. Because people like this are given a chance and they just... KSJFKSJDFksjfskdjf

I hate people.

Rant - Rise of the Isle of the Lost

(alternative title: i read rise of the isle of the lost so you don’t have to)

first off i’m probably biased but if you got something out of my opinions in the past then maybe you’ll find this interesting as well.

there are spoilers, obviously, but if you ask me, you really don’t have to read the book, save your money. (i put a short summary under the cut so you know what’s going on)

i’m gonna be honest this turned more into “i’m picking this book apart” than just a rant lmao. i blame the excessive amount of cinemasins i’ve been watching over the past few days.

and be warned - this is gonna be LONG and not very nice.

~summary if you haven’t read the book~ Arabella (Ariel’s niece) snatched the trident to fuck around, causes a storm, and loses it in the ocean. Waves carry it through the barrier to isle territory, because the barrier is penetrable for a short amount of time due to Arabella’s magic fuckery i think.

Uma hears a rumor that the trident is here, but she has no way to get to it before someone else finds it.

Captain Hook hosts a race where everyone can enter with anything that can swim, the price is a pirate ship. Uma wins the race and now has a ship and a pirate crew consisting of Harry, Gil and a few others.

Through Sophie (Yen Sid’s apprentice) they learn that Ursula’s golden seashell necklace is on the Isle of the Doomed (where Maleficent’s castle is) and they sail there to find it, because there’s enough magic left in it to guide them to the trident or something.

They find the trident but then Mal&Co show up.

While all this is happening Arabella tells the rotten four that she lost the trident, and through the magic mirror they find out where it is, and that a lot of people on the isle of the lost are looking for it, so they set out to find it first. FGM catches them as they try to steal a boat that belongs to Ben’s family, but Ben shows up to convince FGM that it was fine. The five of them then drive the boat to the barrier, where Mal pokes a hole and calls the trident to her, just as Uma is about to get her hands on it, overpowering Uma.

There’s also a sideplot where Ben goes to the great wall of China with Lonnie to solve a conflict between two villages but this is all totally irrelevant.

~end of summary~

and just to get this out of the way - don’t give me that “it’s a book for children” bs. just because it’s for a younger demographic doesn’t mean it can’t be good.

ok let’s start with the things i liked:

- Lonnie has a sword (which is a clear sign of lesbianism)

- Jane wants to do magic and she wants to help people fairy godmother style. i love this because 1. it gives her more personality and 2. it’s exactly how i imagined her lmao.

- Mal uses magic despite the magic ban.

- i like Gil, he’s kinda cute. and Harry too, and the dynamic between him and Uma and Gil. (ot3 anyone?)

now to the cons:

- Harry has this obsession with his hook (which he has to hold in his hand cause he still has both hands) which i find interesting, it has so much angst potential but i already know i’m gonna have to write a fic about that myself cause it’s gonna be hella disappointing in the movie because either 1. it’s not talked about at all or 2. it’s only good for a joke or two. (”oh no! my hook!” cue sitcom laugh track)

- the use of the word “guyliner”

- CJ is Harry’s younger sister, Harriet is his older sister. the gastons twins are gil’s brothers. Melissa de la Cruz *grasping at straws*: conSisTEnCy

- speaking of consistency, the anti-heroes club isn’t mentioned once, in case you were wondering.

- there’s another school besides dragon hall on the isle, it’s called Serpent Prep. like, i know there are characters (mostly Uma) who appear now for the first time without being mentioned before, ever. i can forgive that. but making up a whole new school just adds to the confusion of how big the isle actually is, and it’s also completely redundant.  this world just feels like a car accident where more cars keep crashing into the wrecks that are already blocking the street.

- carlos being in favor of the magic ban. what. remember how he was a slave for the better part of his life? “people should learn to live without magic” suck my toe (i made another post about what i think of the magic ban here)

- idk if this is on melissa de la cruz or what but the writing is just. not good. the sentences are boring, the use of adverbs is weird, the characters are shallow, the worldbuilding is.. idk how to describe it. it’s like when you look at the window of a shop and it looks nice, but when you enter it’s empty. or like a cardboard facade.

- all the characters do and say the things that are most obvious for them, but nothing beyond that. there’s no life in the characters and the world doesn’t draw you in.

- also the pacing is awful. in my first reading session i read about a third but it felt like nothing had happened. there’s so much setting up (and most of it is boring, it feels like every character just appears for their mandatory line but it has no relevance) and i’m just waiting for the plot.

- janelos. if you’re a janelos shipper than good for you, but i’m not and i’m salty. they could have such a great platonic relationship, why why why does it have to be romantic? (don’t bother, i already know the answer) they had a scene together, which was kinda sweet (through my platonic goggles), but “her laugh is cute” is not fucking enough to make a romantic relationship believable. 

their entire romantic relationship is built on “he was a boy, she was a girl” and nothing else.

- also devie. i’m pretty indifferent to this ship in general but the way it’s portrayed is so lackluster, like. doug shows up (for no other reason than showing up at least once in this book), is called evie’s boyfriend and that’s kinda it. we didn’t see how they got together, we don’t see what their relationship is like (except doug sorta putting evie on a pedestal), it’s just.. kinda there. wow. so much feeling.

there’s so much time wasted on meaningless worldbuilding that there’s no time left for giving life to the characters and their relationships. (actually there would be time, the book is not that long)

- (safe for uma, harry and gil) this book doesn’t even try to get me to like the main characters and completely relies on the fact that i already know and like them from preceding works.

- there’s always a parallel plot with Ben going on in every book, which is.. not terrible, but especially in this one it’s very distracting from the main plot, besides, what he’s doing is rarely all that interesting.  he’s travelling with lonnie and they had a nice scene together but it ended before it got anywhere near interesting. (Lonnie was about to get character development but then it was about Ben the end)

- not that i dislike ben, or that i don’t care for what he’s doing, but his sideplot is kinda just there so that is already short book isn’t even shorter. in the last book it had at least something to do with what the others were doing, but this time it doesn’t have any significance to the main storyline whatsoever. imo they should’ve just cut the whole bit out and put this content somewhere else, idk, give him his own diary or something, but now it’s just annoyingly strewn throughout the actual story.

(edit: you know what nevermind, this whole plotline is bullshit i’m not even gonna go into it but they punch a whole into the great wall of china and i crave Death™)

- the room that is taken up by ben’s sideplot could’ve been used to elaborate the relationships between the characters, or the characters’ inner lives. this book does so much tell not show that everything feels flat. “they’re best friends, they’re boyfriend/girlfriend, they love each other very much” ya thanks for telling me but is anything gonna happen to back these statements up or

- there’s an entire page that’s basically a montage of the pirate crew repairing Uma’s ship and it’s hella redundant (just like 50% of the book tbh)

- somehow interesting scenes are left out and when the plot is picked up again it’s “this happened and now we’re somewhere else”.

- the other characters get a sideplot too, which would be nice except they all have like 1 character trait and it’s all pretty meaningless. plus, the chapters are all super short and jumping between plotlines all the damn time is annoying.

- new characters appear just to be a plot device. happened with freddie and maddie in book 2, happens now with Arabella in book 3. she’s the niece of Ariel, but we don’t know who her mother is (based on her being described as wearing purple i’m gonna guess it’s Alana) which is excuable because i guess you can’t expect the readers to know all the names of Ariel’s sisters, but it just adds to her being a throwaway character. $100 that Arabella won’t appear in dd2. 

- actually, going off on a tangent about maddie here, wasn’t her background story basically the same as uma’s? that she was a friend of Mal’s when they were little? whatever happened to her, guess well never know cause she’s never gonna appear again.

- new things are made up just for convenience, or idk maybe it’s supposed to flesh out the world but it all feels so disjointed and loveless.  the annual seaside festival (i think it’s called?) where king triton whips out the old trident to give Arabella an opportunity to lose the trident in the first place, the R.O.A.R. competiotion (i forgot what that’s short for too, but it’s a mix of parcour and fencing, whatever) just to give Jay some other purpose besides “is also there” instead of, idk, an actual personality and inner life (but the VK’s dealing with the aftermath of growing up on the Isle is probably too serious and scawy uwu) like idk it’s probably the same in a lot of other stories, but instead of giving life to this world it all feels meaningless (like 98% of wicked world tbh)

- Lonnie has an older brother who wants to launch a hiphop career, and his name is Li’l Shang, which is an absolute fucking joke and takes the cake for worst name in this franchise.

- Ursula’s golden seashell is on the isle because for some reason it didn’t make it to Auradon where it was supposed to be displayed at the museum. i get that they want to use what they can from disney movies but this is just bullshit. the seashell being on the isle makes no fucking sense whatsoever.

- the critical overuse of the word “swaggered”

- seriously it’s like de la cruz saw one of those “words to use instead of walked”- tumblr posts and picked two (swaggered and sauntered)

- almost halfway through, wondering if there’s gonna be a plot

the things in this story just sorta happen, there’s no real suspense curve.

- ok this is really subjective but “Lost Revenge” for a name for a ship is so unnecessarily edgy lmao

- i’m writing most of this stuff as i come across it and at this point i’m just groaning in agony. they just introduced a new character, Sophie, who is Yen Sid’s sorcerer’s intern. intern for sorcery. on the isle of the lost. sure. also, apparently yen sid brought her with him when he moved to the isle like???? i mean the people of auradon already didn’t give a shit about the children that were born on the isle, but they just let yen sid take a little girl with him??? what the fffffffff (also sophie is another throwaway character that will never appear again. i’m blaming this on the fact that there are approximately 462 different canons in this franchise and we don’t get the chance to get attatched to characters that only function as plot devices in whatever canon they appear in)

- a new character called Charlie is introduced as the village elder of Stone Village (china, next to the wall) and he’s only a few years older than ben. he’s the descendant of ??? (molly and arthur weasly, probably) (seriously this is a throwaway character if i’ve ever seen one)

- mal’s morals are inconsistent. she has no problem using her spellbook for minor inconveniences but doesn’t want to steal a boat because it’s not the auRaDOn wAy.

- evie scolding mal for using the spellbook too often because that way she’ll never learn to live without magic (yadda yadda) but she also does this when mal opens a gate with magic in order to get to the boat they are going to steal, even though the matter is pretty time-sensitive and they had no other way of getting around that gate. like i get the idea of “solving problems without magic”, but this was really not the time to play moralizer, evie.

- there’s a yacht club building and FGM is giving it a new coat of paint with her wand solving problems without magic eat my entire ass.

she keeps using her wand!!! what the fuck!!!!

- i’m not going to go into detail over this but everything falls into place so conveniently that there aren’t really any obstacles to overcome and every conflict is solved within a matter of sentences.

- there are small cliffhangers every 200 words because it keeps jumping between plotlines. before you even get the chance to get into one of the plotlines it’s over again and it takes ages for anything to move along cause the stories keep interrupting each other.

- i’m losing my fucking mind over here as we speak. FGM catches the rotten four trying to steal a boat and she seriously thinks sending them back to the isle is an appropriate punishment. this is absolutely ludicrous and completely disproportionate. “this is exactly what we feared when we let villains into Auradon” they! are! children! (i know technically they’re teens but this doesn’t change the fact that imprisoning them on the isle again is super fucking cruel) i can’t believe how terribly literally everything is handled in this goodforsaken fantasy world. (not to mention that this is an insult to the character of FGM)

- so it’s been established that Mal can turn back time and she uses it when Uma reaches the trident. mal turns back time, uma doesn’t have the trident yet. so far so good, right?

look, i know time travel stuff is always prone to plotholes, but this is just ridiculous. 1. when she first uses it she comes to the conclusion “those with villain blood appear to be immune”, because evie wasn’t affected by it. it works on uma (though she remembers reaching the trident but doesn’t understand what happened) and it’s not made clear how it actually affects someone with villain blood. the setup for this whole shtick was weak. idk if i explained that well enough but you can ask me if you want a more detailed explanation i still have salt left lmao. 2. through carlos we know the others felt it happending, but what about ben? they don’t explain it to him even though he should have no memory of mal turning back time. 3. this book had all the time in the world to make this universe’s rules of time travel a little more clear (like why did nothing happen to both uma’s row boat and the speedboat? do objects not get set back in time too?) 4. one rule was explained tho: “it only turns back time to the top of the hour, and only if it’s been less than fifteen minutes” so mal might only have turned back time for like 1 minute, which would explain why the boats remain in the same spot, but it doesn’t change the fact that everything conveniently falls into place again because it just so happens to be *just* the right time for it to work (meaning no more than 15 minutes after a full hour) which in turn makes me wonder why this “top of the hour” rule was established in the first place. they could’ve just left that bit out and this whole thing wouldn’t be another case of dumb luck for the protagonists. i guess i’ll just go fuck myself.

- ok safe for that time travelling bs the last third is actually a lot okay-er than the rest. there was a cool scene where harry fell down a hole and was scared an panicking. this and the whole pirate-crew-escapes-from-a-trap-filled-cave was the best part of the book imo.

- after the great showdown between uma and mal (where they’re not actually face to face due to the barrier and thick fog, which is kind of a cool way to safe their encounter for the movie, i’ll give them that) mal stumbles backwards when she caught the trident and accidentally knocks evie overboard, which is completely unnecessarily dramatic, because the climax is already over, and is just there to show once again how gay mal and evie are for each other, without actually delivering. same old. (there’s also a scene where evie looks at mal “with a fond smile” while she’s sleeping like come on. those two scenes contain more feeling than any interaction between ben and mal ever. and at the end there is an exchange between the two that literally, like word for word, draws parallels to an interaction between ben an mal like are you kidding me)

- Evie says several times that Mal shouldn’t use magic, which is not too out of character i guess, i mean Evie has enough baggage concerning magic that this is believable.

she did use her mirror a lot, which is clearly magic, but somehow this is different from mal solving a problem with her spellbook?? hypocritical much. and it kinda retcons on the whole setup of her not being comfortable with magic.

in the end she gives her mirror to the museum, but it wasn’t her idea. it would’ve tied in with her previous statements a lot better if she herself had been like “i should give up my mirror so i have consistent characterization”

- Audrey dumps Chad for reasons unknown. not that i care all that much about that ship (i do think it’s interesting tho) but idk is this just so the movie doesn’t have to explain why they aren’t together anymore? (would be kinda lazy) felt like it was just there for cheap laughs.

- i’m surprised Jay didn’t get an Obligatory Love Interest™ but actually i’m not surprised because none of the writers care about jay.

- you might remember R.O.A.R. (the fencing/sword fighting-parcour-clusterfuck-sport). so chad was the captain of the team and has practised sword fighting all his life, but jay manages to beat him after a total amount of? 3? or so hours of training? and immediately becomes the new captain? bull

- also jay is supposedly really good at parcour, right? but he needed to practise wall jumps cuz his technique was bad or something for some reason. why tho. isn’t parcour his forte and why did carlos make the team before jay did. like not saying he can’t do roar but come on.

honestly tho, i kinda set myself up for this. i mean i already didn’t like the second book but for some reason i thought this one was going to be different.

the writing, characterization, worldbuilding etc. is just really lazy to me, and tbh i think it just exists to squeeze more money out of this franchise.

other people with different expectations and lower standards for writing might enjoy this tho idk

Tales of Berseria Analysis - Velvet’s character arc - Blindness and Toxicity.

And there you are, one day, traveling through the eleven seas and then you spot this awesome looking ship…

That’s nice but I’m not talking about that kind of ship.

Cute, but still no.

You are almost there…

Hahahaha….there it is, the magnificent Van Eltia and what you saw aboard of it…it can be?…yes the main party of Tales of Berseria….The troupe of mischievous misfits…Magilou’s Menagerie…

ACT.LIKE.A.DOVE.

…Leaving pointless introduction aside let’s begin…its character analysis time…

MAGIKAZAMAZAM!!!!!!

The cast is great guys, the main party is awesome, the main villains are awesome and support cast is great (And Zaveid is awesome. Period) so let’s go…one by one.

So, Velvet is the first female SOLO Tales protagonist…and I actually don’t care, not because I don’t give a fuck a about gender issues and all that talk but because it’s not the gender of a character that is important to me (Unless his character arc revolves around its gender, in that case you can go as deep as you want) but if the character is enjoyable/relatable and/or interesting and in that matter Velvet is both and, in my personal opinion, one the solidest protagonist of the series (Been honest with you guys, the only one who stands a chance against her is Luke…who of the two is the better is a difficult choice. Both are extremely different characters, both have a distinct approach to their respective arcs and, most important of all, I have been sucking The Abyss dick for 6 years now, so it’ll take me a while just to make a fair comparison between the two and even more just to decide who I like the most…) so…why is she so great?

Velvet is a Therion type Daemon, who wants revenge against the men that kill her brother and transform her in a Daemon, Artorius Colbrande; the problem is that he is the head of a militant church, the only ones capable to use Malak Arts and the only ones that can face the world menace of the Daemonblight, that transform humans into monsters (And Malakhim into Dragons), and for all of his deeds he is regarded for the crown and the people of Midgand as “The Shepard”.

Yes, Velvet wants to bring down Berseria’s version of the Pope…And from here it just gets more interesting because Velvet is the pure embodiment of everything that is wrong with a life led by pure raw emotion. She is not only harsh and aggressive, we are talking about an irrational, obsessive, toxic and auto-destructive person, so blinded for her pure hate and pain that she would step and crush in everything and everyone to reach her goal, she hurts innocent bystanders, she doesn’t have problems in using people, she deliberately makes choices that affect and destroys entire villages. She is the corporal manifestation of all this talk of Artorius, and the rest of the exorcist, about “The sin of the emotions” and, ironically, she is also the reason of why the Abbey wants to seal the emotions and the freewill of its people…Because people can be this bad, she is, our lowest point and the representation of how our own emotions can blind us and transform us in monsters (Literally) that consume everything and everyone that surround us.

And is a fantastic setting for an arc because it takes us out of our comfort zone almost immediately and stays there for almost all the game (just stepping out in the last hours of the game) developing and playing with these ideas.

The game never hides Velvet’s evilsh, Berseria is a story of perspectives and exploring these perspectives, in change it put us (as the player), and her, in this situation of “until what point Velvet’s actions are justifiable”. We now Artorius’s actions during the Scarlet Night and through Seres we confirm that he, and the Abbey. are to no good. And even if the Abbey has, indeed, does some good, the overall situations is too fishy, there is a lot of thing that aren’t right, they must have an agenda…so we (And Velvet) push, and keep pushing…until we break the limit...first with Teresa and Oscar and later with Innominat.

Oscar and Teresa’s deaths are relevant here because they end up representing the one thing that Velvet never would want to do, murder a younger brother in front of her impotent big sister.

Laphi’s murder in front of her was what through her over the edge, she knows that pain better that everybody else, is a crime, a crime without forgiveness or justifications…now committed by herself. It’s a way to acknowledge Velvet own villainess acts until now but is also a great comment in the very extremes of “the End justify the Means” and to tell that even someone like Velvet has a line she that doesn’t want to cross. (And, of course, she is devastated when she acknowledge this)

Then Innominat enter the scene and brings these ideas to next level. It’s not anymore about crossing a line that she didn’t want to cross but the true that there was no reason to cross that line in the first place.

It is a great development that is also in service to Artorius character, when we see his perspective of the all situation during the “in universe flashbacks” in the Earthpulse.

All the things that she has done until now were meaningless, all the victims, all the misery, all the pain, all just for nothing…Well Phi (and Colress) disagree…

Velvet is indeed a bad person, but no without some redeemable qualities. She may be the toxicity and blindness of emotions but she is also embodies it highest qualities. Determination, diligence, passion, etc…Velvet is the bird that flies because she wants to fly, there is no reason nor logic just the unwavering wish to surfing the skies…the biggest parallel here is with Prince Percival and Griffin during the search for the Therions (And the main reason of why that arc of the game is not pointless, redundant or filler, because it attach its themes to the main story) and in the same way that Percival admires Griffin, the party (And some of the side cast) admires Velvet.

Rokuro and Eizen have a scene in which both confess that they admire Velvet’s resolution (It also doubles as a great character scene for both of them), Magilou is a little more ambiguous (and I would dissect her character later…) but we can argue that she also admires Velvet and Phi and Eleanor…maybe they don’t feel an admiration for Velvet but both are inspire for her, and in that regard it would be Phi’s work, in one of the best scenes of game, make Velvet remember that she is, not only, not alone but that she is also not that bad, been Phi the living proof of that (Again I want to talk about each character particularly…so wait a little)

This is the turning point for Velvet, the moment that completely breaks her (Again) but also the moment that allow her to finally express, in a sincere manner, all of her pain, all her hate and all her emotions and the moment of which she can, finally, start to heal and move away for the trauma of the scarlet night. She doesn’t become good and she is still pretty harsh and mean but she loose this toxicity and auto-destructive aura that surrounded her during all the game, she is a little more nicer, she looks more happy and this is specially notorious in all the characters interactions and skits post-Innominat, I’m especially fond of the Velvet-Magilou Skit in the final dungeon, when this two fairly emotionally distant people finally come to acknowledge and even show an open affection for each other, both in her own way of course, is a subtle but heartwarming moment and a perfect close to this strange friendship who start with that awkward first encounter in Titania. (And also I ship them so hard…Magivel to the death)

Velvet transition here would be the one of a Villain to an anti-hero and…it’s amazing.

But Velvet’s arc still has a pair of steps to climb up…

Despite her grown, Velvet is still seeking revenge against Artorius although the context of the situation has change significantly, starting with the fact that Artorius and Innominat embodies the same toxicity as Velvet just in the logic side, being that both want to wipe the freewill and emotions of humans and Malakhim and that, starting here, the game stops to give focus to Velvet’s morality quest (Because it gets resolved) and the clash between the extremes of both ideologies (Innominat’s domain is bad…same as early game Velvet)…the final encounter with Artorius would bring back the topic again but in that case it’s more about Artorius’s hypocrisy (More of that later)…leaving aside just one last step in the Lord of Calamity arc…Her redemption.

Velvet sacrifice to seal Innominat is…well just sad. We (and her) had acknowledged that she has done a lot of wrong and a redemption act is indeed fitting, but that do not less the sadness of the moment…I really wanted see Velvet overcome…well the whole situation. For she to have an emotional close and a second chance, even if we needed a redemption arc, we could have her wandering the earth, you know, alongside Magilou (Sorry for that but I really ship them so much)…seeking atone for her actions but, also been happy…but what we have was the two representations of emotions and reasons, all that can be good and bad with them, feeding of each other, in an endless cycle, meanwhile they dream about this ideal world that they could have had…and it’s not a bad ending, quite the opposite actually, it’s powerful, meaningful and a fitting close for the game story…but, in the same way that Julius did it, her ending got the best of my and,  again, every story or character that can do that deserves acknowledge…Velvet is amazing and I ended loving her character more that I could expected…just the time would tell if she would become greater than Luke in me eyes, but for what’s matter now she is, again, an incredible character.

Part 1: Tales Series Retrospective

Part 2: The Elements of a Wonderfull Game

Part 4: Rokuro’s and Eleanor’s character arc - Obsession and Conflict.

Part 5: Laphicet (Phi)’s and Eizen’s character arcs - Coexistence and Romanticism.

Part 6: Magilou’s character arc - Contradictions.

It’s been a little while since my last update, but I’ve been busy. I recently got another job doing lighting design and now I have an office and work real hours. I have a bicycle commute, my favorite part of the new job, and I make more money, my second favorite part, so without fail I’ll spend that money on a new bike to enhance that commute. 

Choosing which has not been as easy a task as it once was. I have all the bikes I need. Truth be told, I could get rid of one and still have all I need. But who the heck cares or even thinks about what they need? Variety is the spice of life. There’s a bit of a double standard going on: no one has ever given me shit about not needing additional guacamole on my burrito at chipotle but ordering it anyways, but people give me shit about having too many bikes all the time. At the end of the day, I’ll just do what tastes best. 

The Rivendell Cheviot has been in my crosshairs for a few months. Basically, I want another Rivendell, I want it to be green, and I want it to be different enough from my Hunqapillar to be effective at getting me to take it outside for different reasons. Also, I already have 96.4% of the parts needed to build one.

The way my friend (and Rivendell employee) Will has built his new Cheviot, pictured above, is what lit the fire under my bum about this bike to begin with. Many of the Cheviot builds I had seen before this are too upright, European-looking, and cosmopolitan - picture a commuter in high heel boots riding .35 miles to get a cronut. I know that’s not an accurate representation of who actually rides these bikes, but that’s what they evoked in me until I saw Will’s new build. 

His is more balanced. It doesn’t have huge bosco bars a foot higher than the saddle. It has (relatively) knobbies. It has a black seatpost. It doesn’t have too many doo-dads and whatnots all over it, like Cheviots (or Rivendells in general) sometimes do. There’s nothing bad about any of that, it’s just that buying a mixte at all is a stretch for me, and if I go off the deep end I want to do so gracefully. 

Where I want to go with my build is sort of “effortless klunker-muter.” I want to build it up with as many parts as I currently own so as not to break the bank before my big trip to Spain with girlfriend Norah. This means setting aside my obsessive perfectionist side. For example, like Will, I will be putting a black cheapo Kalloy seatpost on my Cheviot. I will be enlisting some who-knows-what-decade Sugino cranks, and I’m planning on buying the cheapest rear derailer Rivendell offers. I have a set of Paul Racer center pulls chilling on ice, and in my eyes these will be the keystone of the build. Second in importance to the Pauls, and clearance permitting, are the Cream Schwalbe Big Bens in 50mm. I think these will really establish my build as whimsical and klunker-ish. They are the largest the frame will fit, and they are frigging bright white, so it’ll be weird for sure. Bars will be MAP/Ahearne’s in wide, the same as Will’s, too, because that’s what I have. 

Yeah - the proposed build is similar to my Hunqapillar’s. I’m hoping the differences within the two frames will vanquish any overwhelming sensations of redundancy. The Cheviot’s main difference visually is the lowered top tube that categorizes any mixte, but what will alter ride quality most are the long chainstays and tall headtube. Application of either bike is “off road as much as possible,” but if I’ve done my homework correctly, the Cheviot will conjure a new riding style best summated as “fuck that shit let’s cruise a trail to the liquor store.” I’ll keep you updated when I buy one (hopefully this weekend). 

How would you react if a person made a NSFW Elsword x Ain fic? (one actually exist and it is so wrong...)

One?One exists?You mean

Billions

In my honest and truest opinion, any NSFW Elsword x Ain fanfic or fanpic is an insult to Ain’s character, his history, his soul, and his entire existence.

But I’m saying that because I’m someone who takes Ain very seriously (which may or may not seem true at times) but I know the internet, particularly Elsword fandom is full of … people of interesting tastes,

so I’m not going to go hunt them down and try to burn them at the stake, you know what I mean?

I’m actually glad you sent me this ask because I thought of making a post on it but I feel like no one would care, but… let me share a bit(?) of what I think. This may sound redundant and/or obvious, but let me write them out, so do me a favor and please read them carefully.

Ain is obsessed with attached to Elsword, WHY?

Imagine:

You’re born for one purpose, and one purpose only. That purpose is everything to you. The moment you tried to fulfill that purpose, your purpose is obliterated in front of you, and you are severely wounded. You’re stuck in a realm of chaos - he basically describes it as a place where no one should ever be in - where it strips your energy away, and your existence is at the brink of total deletion. You lament the fact that you cannot fulfill your life’s purpose and you’re stuck in there for what seems like the life age of the world. But miraculously, you get out, thanks to one faint energy that shined like a beacon in the dark ocean of starless night.You find out that not only the source of the energy is someone who can help you maintain your life and existence in the world, but also shares that same important mission with you, would stop at nothing to achieve that goal, and has enough potential power to do so.

How attached would you be to that person???

I don’t even need to convince anybody, because Ain displays it quite clearly in the game, which is what this post is all about.

The post also describes his emotional state throughout the journey and how he develops as a character, from someone who only cares about the mission he was born to fulfill, to someone who deeply cares about the people - not just Elsword - he was explicitly told not to befriend, so much so that he was WILLING TO FAIL HIS MISSION JUST SO HE CAN BE WITH THEM A LITTLE LONGER. 

Throughout the entire game Ain talks about how he’ll just disappear and be erased from people’s memories, like it’s nothing. He always knew that will happen, and he was okay with that. He knew that was his fate. But towards the end of the game, he grows so attached to the El Search Party and to Elrios that he was willing to stop Elsword from restoring the El because he didn’t want to be forgotten by them.

Now, does that mean Ain wants to fuck Elsword or Elsword wants to fuck Ain? I’ll let you decide.

Now here is my closing thought:

WHY NONE OF THIS FUCKING MATTERS LOL:

This entire game and franchise is being run by lots of people who support the game and the characters. You can kind of tell from the way Ain says his lines, or how he’s seemingly obsessed with Elsword, that the developers were targeting for this kind of effect in the first place. If they wanted Elsword and Ain to look platonic as possible, they wouldn’t have added all those scenes where Ain is frantically and desperately trying to save Elsword several times. I mean, they could’ve done a million things in different ways but they did this on purpose; same with how they made Add a character who is super obsessed with Eve. They did that on purpose.

Also… just

Let people do whatever they want. 

I mean, yes, it does kind of hurt my eyes and brain and I do get a little upset that they only see one layer of Ain’s character and think they all figured him out and portrays him as this yandere character who’s only goal in life is to fuck/be fucked by Elsword (or with ANY OTHER CHARACTER FOR THAT MATTER)

But what right do I have to go after them and tell them to stop doing it? I have nothing. And quite frankly, I know it doesn’t matter because if they bother me, all I gotta do is stop reading or watching them lol omg so easy

The reason why people draw/write those things is to fulfill their own desire and fantasy and share them with others who enjoy that sort of thing. I highly doubt they do it to demoralize Ain or ruin his character. They love him, just in a different way. 

The only part that upsets me is that people don’t read or pay enough attention to Ain’s psyche and story and be immersed in his character development like, most of you guys are, if you’ve been following me since I’ve been posting the whole cry over ain with me posts. I legit got depressed all month long, before and after his release, because his story is so sad. It’s so tragic. It’s so much more than, “lol look at this yandere”.

But even I find humor in some of the Elsword x Ain fanpics, the non-NSFW (SFW?) ones, because they’re hilarious. It’s interesting to see what people can cook up in their heads. Also some of the more soft-romance type of Elsword x Ain stuff, I can appreciate too, although, given what I know about Ain, I know he knows nothing of romance or love so that will never happen but these are all hypothetical “what ifs” which is… harmless??? LOL

TL;DR I DUN GIVE A DAMN