maestro is. not a good movie. it had nothing to say.

the most interesting conversations I had about it were ones with my partner where we imagined what it could’ve been

making myself suffer looking thru ffxiv stuff on tumblr when i could be playing ffxiv rn but i eternally love and miss ffxiv

discovered miah_pie on t*ktok (<- i don’t have one btw i just stumbled upon her bc someone i follow on ig talked abt her) and her videos make me want to cry so bad. 24 year old dependent moment

The thing about me is I'll say shit like "yeah I'm autistic but it doesn't affect my daily life THAT much" then proceed to have my first verbal shutdown in over 7 years

Teeth jars!

I still find it kinda wild that after 1 psych eval they immediently put me on antipsychotics

Went outside to cover the squash. I briefly looked over to the neighbor's yard cause I saw something moving in my peripheral, and I in my horror, saw his wife in a bikini just gardening or tanning, I have no clue.

Anyway, i'm heading over rn and knocking on his door to apologize, i'm gonna bow and kiss his feet and beg for forgiveness and cry and ball until I pass out on his threshold because his wife was tanning, and I accidentally saw. Mb In other news I usually only stay like 5-15 minutes outside usually once a day but i've been doing it almost every day for a few weeks now and I have a visible tan line. My feet are marked like where I wear my sandals its so funny. Its barely visible but its a tan, and I haven't had a tan in like 5 years this is amazing! In other other news, i've been lifting a 5lb dumbbell for a few months and i'm seeing visible gains and i'm not even jokn. I don't lift, i've never lifted, but i'm getting stronger and my arms have been feeling bulkier (with little to no visible change) but I can literally feel it, its like my muscles are swolier, swollen, pumped idk?

For a while I thought I wouldn't be able to make progressive gains because of how ill my body is, but I guess my nervous and muscular system is still good enough to adapt and repair itself as long as I don't over do it.

I am at my peak age like physically, so i'm going to take this new understanding of my body to get back in shape somehow. I can't technically work out like how I did in college because of my weak ass heart and nervous system, but if I stay consistent for weeks or months at a time, I should see small but progressive gains. I just have no idea up until what point will my body adapt but extra strength and endurance surely helps. I've been hearing and reading online about the stories of the human body and how amazing it is. Like the body's ability to withstand incredible amounts of heat or cold or go hungry or repair itself or deal with illness, for short periods of time. I mean my body can't do any of those things but knowing those stories gives me the courage to push myself just a little more because I know my body can probably just take a little bit more. Safely of course but still it's just something I've been thinking about recently.

Now I just have to somehow work on lower body. It's a little difficult because I can't stand for that long, and when I do stand and walk around to get food or water I do not want to be tired or shaking, but i'll figure something out.

If I get buff in the next 12 months i'll let y'all know.

I have to figure out how to do more cardio. I've been trying to keep my heart rate up for more than a minute at a time but I just get so so tired and I never want to do it more than twice because i'll just be out of it for the rest of the day I just can't yet i'm still too like weak- but I think if I do the same thing with my heart as i'm doing with the 5lb dumbbells I should see cardio improvement over time. I'm really excited to work out my heart! Just like, a little bit at a time. That part of me probably just heals with time ig idk.

Update: survived.

laying down feels fucking sexual after moving heavy shit around for 5 hours in a row

it's fully sinking in that we may have to be moved out by the end of the month. hatred!!!!

I saw a bootleg Zarbon keychain the other day and it made me think of you. I was gonna take a picture but the girl working there was staring at me and I didn't wanna be weird

GOHHHH FUCK YEAH!!!! coincidentally, my friend mimo also saw a Zarbon keychain out in the wild, and he was just hanging out. protecting. slaying. serving.

Had a good solid scream for the first time in maybe… I don’t know how long. It’s been too long.

i had so much to do today but i'm having a fibromyalgia flareup so my body is sore and weak and tired so all i've managed to get done is starting laundry and i picked up/put away groceries 😩

not me forgetting i switched shifts with a coworker and showing up an hour early for work ✌️😌

i did the biggest and scariest of the things on my list (the last thign on my list in fact) and it took like. MAYBE 5 minutes total including login time navigation and page loading.

now i get to have fancy Oreo Poptarts because i'm a big strong boy whose knee is slightly dislocated (it's fine i just went too hard and i'll wrap it up here in a minute) and did a big scary thing and also now gets to fully devote brain power to anxiety about the (potential) hole between two of my heart chambers and the accompanying doctor's appointment tomorrow morning.