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imgae-insertshockedgasps-16 · 3 months

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"but wouldn't you rather think that every day be a good day?" "stop attention seeking" "just be positive!"

it is not realistic for me to have every day be a good day. it's just not. i will live the rest of my life with sporadic good days sandwiched between seemingly endless bad days.

and i'm not seeking attention (altho if i was, that would be okay. some humans need more attention than others, some humans need less. it's okay to seek your needs)

and i know that there are people who have it worse and i know that there are people who have bad days every day, i know

but having a good day, or a few, with minimal pain (never no pain, not anymore, i don't even remember what that's like), and decent mobility and low brain fog and an okay mood, followed by weeks or months of bad days?

it's heartbreaking.

sometimes, i'll get two weeks of that, just enough to think "maybe this time i'm getting better" (and then scold myself because you can never think that, it always jinxes it), and then everything crashes into me and i'm thrown back into the deep end

i've has screaming crying meltdowns because i had a thought abt how surprised i was that i'd been feeling good lately, and then was absolutely convinced that i'd feel like shit the next day bc i jinxed it and had to try to "make up for it" somehow by thinking negatively or smth

i've set plans and started projects and then woken up the next day barely able to move and had to cancel and those projects are still unfinished on the floor

and the doctors will never, ever believe me bc i'm young and afab and all the tests come back negative and "aren't you happy? we've crossed some things off." "aren't you glad you don't have these terrible things?"

NO. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME I WANT TO GET MEDS THAT HELP I WANT TO HAVE A SOLID COMMUNITY AND JOIN SUPPORT GROUPS AND GET A DIAGNOSIS AND HAVE DOCTORS BELIEVE ME

I WANT TO WAVE THE PIECE OF PAPER THAT DECLARES ME LEGALLY DISABLED AROUND IN THE FACE OF EVERY PERSON WHO EVER DOUBTED ME AND GO "SEE?!?!?"

bc i don't need their validation and i don't need their acceptance and i don't technically need accommodations, none of that is necessary to my survival, but fucking shit it would be good to have, even if only a tiny little bit, even if only abt just one thing or one aspect

and maybe i should be glad that i'm not worse off, maybe i should be glad that i can do some things independently and i don't have higher support needs

but not high doesn't mean low, doesn't mean none

i am angry and sad and tired and frustrated and anxious and upset and stressed and so many negative emotions so often bc of my disabilities that no one believes i have

i am in pain and suffering and between being young, afab, and poor i can do almost nothing abt it

and then slap a handful of disabilities on top and you have a pile of mush screaming and wishing that it could just pop out of existence like it never was in the first place

#i can't be the only one #who feels like this #chronic pain #disability #chronic illness #disabled #chronically ill #physically disabled #mentally disabled #tw #vent #tw vent #vent post

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wendingways · 4 months

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20 Questions For Writers

Thank you, @sinvulkt! I saw someone else post one of these a while ago, and it looked fun, so thanks so much for the tag! 💛💛💛

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

Seven. Technically eight, but one of them is part of another and just separated for logistical reasons, so it doesn't really count.

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

190,105 words

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Star Wars

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

Fortune's Rule, 536 kudos

Missing Pieces No More, 142

Whispers From Tomorrow, 126

Petrichor, 42

Threadbare, 30

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Most of the time! Sometimes it takes a while because busy + tired, but I enjoy it when other authors respond to my comments, so I want to respond other people's comments. :)

6. What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Probably Threadbare. Wouldn't say it's a full-on angsty ending, because I tend to go for angsty beginnings/middles and happy endings, but it's the closest I've got.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Whispers From Tomorrow, by virtue of it being a pre-Order-66 fix-it.

8. Do you get hate on your fic?

I've gotten a little. You know how FFN can be. There was this one kinda funny one instance where somebody was silent for like 20 chapters, and then absolutely flipped their lid in a comment after I killed off a character. Not even a main character! Oops....

9. Do you write smut?

Nope.

10. Do you write crossovers?

Not as a rule, but I did start scribbling down this weird idea for Anne Shirley, from Anne of Green Gables, ending up in the GFFA during the Clone Wars via some witchery in the Haunted Wood. What gets me is how I told my brother about it, and he promptly started nagging me to write it because he wants to read it XD

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

No, but feel free to do so if you're interested!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic?

No.

14. What‘s your all-time favourite ship?

Meh, not really a big shipper.

15. What’s the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

WIP I will never finish? What are you talking about?

There are no unfinished WIPS in Ba Sing Se.

Seriously, though, probably my Padmé ROTS time loop fic. I had this idea for Padmé to keep looping back to some point in ROTS after she dies. I love the idea, it's roughly outlined and I've written some snippets, and there's this one scene that I'd really like to include, but I'm just not sure how to make the time loop AU work in this scenario.

16. What’s your writing strengths?

Grammar, usage, and mechanics. And maybe angst, oddly enough. Never figured myself for an angst writer, but then I started writing Fortune's Rule, and here we are.

17. What’s your writing weaknesses?

Speed. I write slowly. I also tend to end up going down research rabbit holes that suck up my time and energy. And I have a really hard time saying no to adding more characters, which adds to the whole writing-takes-a-long-time thing.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

Sure! I've enjoyed putting little bits of Mando'a and Huttese into Fortune's Rule.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Calico Captive, by Elizabeth George Speare, when I was in my early teens. Never managed to get a whole fic out of it, and what fragments I did write were terribly underdeveloped, sentimental, and shallow. But we all have to start somewhere!

20. Favourite fic you’ve ever written?

Fortune's Rule, all the way! I know it's not finished yet, but it is my precious and my problem child, and I love it to bits!

In a way, it's a very self-indulgent story, because it's got all the tropes I most adore, and it's like a puzzle, trying to figure out how to put all these different elements together in a way that's believable, and how to have characters develop to where I want them to be.

Plus, it's also given me some fun surprises, like Padmé and Ahsoka being besties, Ventress becoming Obi-Wan's confidant for a certain matter, and Piett becoming a friend/confidant/emotional support admiral for Starkiller.

And there's so much more fun stuff planned, especially as we're getting close the start of an arc I've been planning since before I started posting the fic in 2021! (There will be child hijinks. There will be pirates. There will be sand, and angst and fluff galore. And I am so kriffing excited.)

Tagging (If you're interested! I'm doing like sinvulkt and tagging some authors I've interacted with a bit on AO3; hope this isn't a nuisance to anyone! :) ) @musewrangler, @clawedandcute, @xxiamnotokay666xx

#ask game #tag game #20 questions #20 questions for fic writers #fic writing

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doubleddenden · 5 months

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I got to play Indigo Disk a bit after some trials and tribulations.

MY opinions after a few hours: enjoying it but frustrating that things are still not fixed.

The good:

Environments look pretty great, especially indoor ones. Outside environments dip in quality but look much better than Paldea or Kitakami

Music is fun in all sorts of ways I can't spoil. We lost some dynamic music, but the substitute is worth it

The characters so far are a hoot and have some hilarious dialog and banter. I love how much of a piece of shit Drayton is, and new Kieran, imo, is way more entertaining than old uwu shy bean Kieran. He's ironically hilarious trying to act all badass while being like... 12 lol. I'm happy to see Carmine again too, she's toned down and a little more friendly but her fun bitchy side comes out sometimes and makes me smile.

The mid:

The difficulty is very refreshing. I was thinking that the pokeinfluencers were being led on because they were given awful teams, but the struggle is real. I fought 2 trainers with life orbs, a double intimidate strategy, helping hands, it's actually refreshingly difficult and kind of giving me Colosseum vibes.

Synchronization is also fun! I tested it out with my shiny Hisuian Samurott, and it's super neat. It's like a step beyond Let's Go mode imo, and it's fine until you have to stop because you- despite having a move with a type advantage- get folded after getting hit once by a Pokémon with a technical type advantage. But I did notice that Samurott swims really well, too, so its not just flying, and there seems to be no limit to how far you can go within the terrarium- although you can't go beyond it apparently to use it.

Maybe it's just me, but something about the new uniforms just aren't clicking. We get about 6 uniforms early on, which is refreshing, but for some reason it doesn't look as good in practice as it did in promotion. I can't really find anything I'm 100% happy with for my character despite knowing some of these designs have lots of merit.

Idk, I'm really missing being able to match tops and bottoms like the old days. Like if you gave me the track top with the winter pants, I'd be pretty stoked. Or maybe give me something actually like Drayden or Kieran's jackets. Idk man. It's not bad, I'll say that, but I'm not satisfied.

The bad:

Performance remains unchanged. I'm not joking when I say Game Freak really needs to give back that award for "excellence" they got a while back until they finish the damn game and stop publishing unfinished crap for full price and beyond, because this is beyond unacceptable, NOT excellent, and at this point and I'm tired of nothing being done about it. It is so immersion breaking when environments flicker and pop in and out during dialog and exploration, and the slow downs... ugh. Not to mention I had a game breaking glitch where I exited a store and couldn't move or open menus or anything- my first time encountering this particular glitch as far as I can recall, and I lost progress. Like come tf on Game Freak. You've had OVER A FUCKING GOD DAMN YEAR after launch to fix things. They really must have abandoned ship at this point, and honestly they should be ashamed that it's not optimized for the ONLY system the game and dlc are available for at the moment after all of this time.

World's Richest Franchise, TM

Minor nitpicks are the new hair and accessories which... suck ngl. Aside from an Electabuzz family themed backpack, nothing new here really sparks joy, especially the hair styles, which look boring, bland, bad, or not enough.

Overall:

I'm enjoying what I can, but the bad stuff still docks points, so 6/10 so far, which is just barely passing. May go higher, may go lower as I progress further.

You may think I'm harsh, but honestly it's deserved for a product that was paid for. You can enjoy a bad game, but the game seriously needs optimization on the fucking double.

#pokemon #pokemon scarlet and violet #pokemon scarlet and violet spoilers #indigo disk #indigo disk spoilers #doubled plays games #den reviews stuff

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your-regina · 1 year

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About stubbornness and will power

Despite what it may look like sometimes, I'm actually not the kind of person who gets easily discouraged or leaves truly important tasks unfinished. It is true that I get tired or bored unusually fast, but still, I think I compensate for that with an equally uncommon amount of stubbornness. I stand my ground mainly because of pride and not because I can't possibly see other alternatives around it, although that happens quite often as well. Even in the most dire situations I'm willing to get through till the very end, even after complaining endlessly and swearing to give up later on, you know I'm staying, don't you?

As a testament to this fundamental truth of my life we could always look back to the thousand letters stored away somewhere, where everything was so pessimistically described, waving goodbye everyday so dramatically. But don't I still come back to complain the next day as well? I might be sturdier than I appear to be.

It is certainly a very conflicting trait of mine, and one which I haven't yet decided if it's helpful or more of a burden. It keeps me firmly planted into places which I rarely want to be in and forces me to never refuse to do things that I truly don't want to do. But on the other hand it is probably what has kept me alive so far, so it's probably a good deal after all.

But you see, as a teenager many adults and authority figures questioned my behavior, and it annoyed me to no end. I believed I was over it, I was leaving sooner or later so whatever anyone thought of me didn't matter too much. But life went on and I stubbornly stuck to it, and words needed to matter. I vaguely remember some remarks, such as a teacher telling me to "change my expression, smile more" and asking me why I always looked so angry. During the last semester of highschool, as I did my best to come out of my shell, a teacher kept on saying I was too pessimistic and that I had to change my mindset if I wanted to overcome my limitations. I didn't dismiss these opinions anymore, as I was so willing to change myself completely in order to see the better version of life everyone else could see. I figured that I couldn't possibly be the only one on the right, the chosen one who had magically discovered a universal truth, I wasn't that great, so I had to start piecing the truth together from everyone's words.

I remember hearing from an artist that everyone's art had something you could learn from, even if you were arrogant enough to believe you were above them technically, if you observed attentively you could always find something they were doing right and maybe you could incorporate it into your own art. By no means was this about life or attitude but of course I had to find some meaning behind it, so I went into adulthood with this in mind. Not only did I notice that everyone had a lot of strengths I hadn't seen before, but I realized that, in fact, most people were light aeons ahead of me in terms of living skills.

I still can't seem to hear the end of the subtle complaints about me, and maybe it is my fault for always reading so much into people's words, but it really gets anoying at times. I want to listen, but do I really want to listen to that? It's not like it's news to me.

I keep revising conversations in my head, going through the words to figure out the intention behind them, but since I'm not a genius I can very well be wrong about all of my assumptions. So, do you think I'm constantly being attacked, or could it be that I'm actually attacking myself? It wouldn't be the first time. The world doesn't revolve around me and people could be inopportune and inconsiderate with an additional lack of awareness, but why does it seem so intentional? I'd like to say for once that even if I show myself as mild I don't have any issues defending myself, as I am a naturally defiant person.

I lack the courage to leave once I've committed to something and I have to make a great effort to overcome the fear of doing things that others may find easy, even more so when these go against the standards I've become accustomed to by my overly sheltered life. Still, I don't aspire to depend on anyone, and if I lean onto someone it's just because I find that it's within my possibilities, and I wouldn't duel over the loss of most of that support, even if it's very much appreciated. Just because I don't speak like I'm reading the dictionary doesn't mean I don't have something to say, it's just that I'd rather save myself the fuss.

I can deal with a lot, albeit not bulldozing through every single struggle like some people often recommend, but in a more subdued way, simply withstanding. I am quite resilient, after all. I think often of the purple flowers that bloom at the end of summer and then die in autumn, but never truly leave, as you see them again the next summer as if nothing had ever happened. Can I be like that?

- Yours, Regina

#regina's heart

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