honestly I think it’s kinda interesting how phil’s relationships with wilbur, tallulah, chayanne & tubbo are all reflecting back into his view of sunny tbh. like he has such complex delicate interwoven dynamics with all of them and it all gets thrown onto sunny, this poor kid who he loves in theory, but in practice is a stranger to him.
like wilbur left tallulah in phil’s care and didn’t come back. even now way after he was initially supposed to, wilbur hasn’t returned (that one day aside). and phil, who had already taken on a big commitment watching tallulah, has been left permanently with two eggs in his sole care. and even though he loves tallulah and wil, and won’t want them out of his life, this is a stress for him. it’s a big undertaking for anyone, to care for two kids alone, but especially since tallulah required a lot of changes in his life.
for better or worse, in many ways phil sees chayanne as an extension of himself. they’re similar in a lot of ways, and often on the same page, and it means phil often struggles to catch up when chayanne’s emotions aren’t on the same page as him. we’ve seen this week, phil having such a hard time understanding the depth and breadth of chayanne’s grief. when he catches on, he usually does a good job empathising and talking it through, but when he doesn’t, he really doesn’t and it can be hard to watch.
the same is NOT true for tallulah. he has, through hard work and practice, learnt how to identify her emotions. he had to. she needed it. she would have been miserable otherwise. she desperately needed asked for the emotional care and birthdays and consideration that chayanne would never ask for. and he’s good at it—tracking her moods, knowing what upsets her & what she cares about in a way that doesn’t come as naturally with chayanne (or sunny or tubbo or anyone else really expect maybe wilbur). but that took A LOT of time and effort, months of work, and I do think he’s a bit wary of the idea of having to do that again, even when it comes to people he loves like chayanne (or god forbid tubbo).
now tubbo is not wil. tubbo is not phil's son. but he’s still not dissimilar to wil in phil’s mind. whatever the backstory is, phil introduces tubbo to tallulah as an old friend of him and wil’s. he makes tubbo his kids’ godfather. he calls tubbo his boy. he looks out for him. but past those first few weeks, their relationship doesn’t progress. they mean a lot to each other bc of their pasts, but they don’t put any work into upkeeping their relationship and phil in particular doesn’t reflect at all on what how that changes their dynamic. and it does change it—this is clear in purgatory, with phil having zero trust in tubbo to protect chayanne and tallulah, and after, with tubbo endlessly poking at phil’s sore spots trying to illicit a reaction he’ll never receive.
it's also clear in the way phil has no understanding of what’s going on with tubbo. if he’s struggling to grasp chay’s emotions, he’s not even touching what’s going on in tubbo’s head. tubbo’s death makes no sense to him. it’s sudden. it’s random. it’s illogical. it’s stupid. he wasn’t joking about having two lives? he still took a death bet with richas? he’s not come back? he can’t come back? he’s left phil with distraught kids for no reason with no warning. he doesn’t see the erratic suicidal behaviour, the unending depression, the desperation to be loved. he doesn’t want to see it. he doesn’t want something to be wrong with tubbo, but he also doesn’t even know how to see what’s wrong. he’s annoyed he’s having to deal with it and he desperately desperately wants to believe this is all happening for no reason.
bc at the forefront of phil’s mind is still his love for tubbo. of course, phil would drop everything to help tubbo (if he could recognize something was wrong). of course, he would care for sunny as his own. of course, he would make the same sacrifices he’s made for wil. and he assumes he’ll have to. he thought that sunny would now be under his care. that he’d have to figure out the logistics of a third egg to care for. with wilbur, phil was the only person who could ever have taken care of tallulah. the only person he trusted, the only person who knew tallulah enough. now this isn’t true for tubbo. it’s a genuinely illogical assumption for phil to make: three eggs would be a genuine burden on him; they've never spoken about it; there’s a long list of people who would tubbo expects for sunny before; and he doesn’t even know sunny well enough to name these people for her as comfort.
but still in the moment, alone with tubbo’s eggs and dealing with everything he left behind, phil can only think that the exact same thing that happened before will happen: he alone will be left to care for another scared hurt kid of someone he loves.
and here we come to sunny. a kid whose dad he loves. a kid whose dad he doesn’t understand. a kid whose dad is suddenly gone like his son is gone. a kid who would need him like his daughter needs him. a kid who his son needs to protect. a kid he cares for. a kid he can’t afford to care for, a kid he wasn’t expecting to care for, a kid he doesn’t know how to care for, a kid he would care for if he needed to, a kid he doesn’t know why he’s been left to care for. a kid who is somehow a reflection of all these people he loves but not someone he knows at all.
idk i think this tension comes out in the a lot of the comments phil makes of and to sunny. he doesn't know them well enough to distinguish them from his relationships with other people. and as long as no one challenges him on that, we'll continue to hear these misplaced comments from him, that come across so insensitively, even as he tries his best to genuinely help them and their dad.
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Dreamtale <s>Drabble</s> Part 2: In Which the Food is Good
Part 1 was 700 words. This is 2K. I uhhh. got carried away. Part 3 is done :>
[CW implied past abuse / unwanted touch / creepy adult / bittersweet]
---
Nightmare holds Dream's hand, but he's too preoccupied with looking about the village surrounding them to listen to his exact words. Nightmare can feel the way others look at them, the contempt for his existence and the condescending pity for Dream's. He glares at a grown up who won't stop staring at Dream, not knowing exactly what that yearning feeling is, but just knowing it's dangerous; the way a wolf looks at a lamb. Which is further ironic, because this particular monster was a bunny-type.
Nightmare takes a half-step closer to Dream's side.
“Nighty?”
Nightmare doesn't take his eyes off the Grown Up when he nods his head at Dream's call.
“Brother, it's rude to not look at people when they're speaking to you.”
Nightmare’s expression sours just a bit more before he finally focuses on Dream. He hums a question of a note, and Dream sighs, as though exasperated.
“One more time. So, Nightmare, this is Cassandra and Julia. They're twins, just like us! Cassie, Julie, this is Nighty!” Dream says proudly.
“Nightmare will do,” he corrects. He can't stand it when the villagers call him that name. Nighty is reserved for people who mean no harm.
“Hi,” Cassie says, and Julie waves with a shy, small smile. They were a pair of bunny monsters, the main differentiating factor seeming to be the way they wore their floppy ears: Cassie preferred to keep them out of her way, tied back with a bow, while Julie had them free to hang, framing her round face.
Nightmare can feel the slight apprehension at his regard, but that wasn't anything to worry about yet. He glances at Dream again, and he seems excited about this, so-
Nightmare gives a small bow of his head in proper greeting. Color dots his face as he says awkwardly, “Hello. It's nice to meet you.”
“They've been teaching me how to play Sticks,” Dream says. “I think you'll like it, brother.”
“It's better when played with four,” Cassie explains. Her voice is loud. “Dream insisted that you would be the fourth, so now we have to teach you all the rules.”
“It's very fun,” Jullie squeaks, her nose twitching. “when you get the hang of it.”
“Yeah,” Cassie says with a strong nod. “So don't be too hard on yourself if you don't get it at first.”
Nightmare bites his tongue, and with another glance at Dream's pleading expression, he nods his agreement. He promised he'd try. He squeezes his hand harder, and Dream squeezes back a reassurance.
Cassie does most of the explaining, with the odd comment or example coming from Dream and Julie. It's a bit much to remember all at once, but Nightmare has already made the decision that he was going to learn how to play today, so he pays rapt attention.
As much as he can, anyway. The bunny twins grow less concerned about Nightmare's presence the longer they play, which is a small victory. In fact, more kids eventually gathered, seeing the fun and hoping to catch sight of the spectacle that was The Guardian of the Black Apples playing.
The issues were the grown ups watching them.
Nightmare is distracted more than once by disgust and fear. Hatred and anger at their fun was par for the course, though. Nightmare has to keep constant tabs on their tree from the edge of the village, but so far, no one has tried to break through their shields. It's of little reassurance. He keeps getting that weird bad hunger from the Grown Up, and Dream doesn't seem to notice.
When the bunny twins get called in for lunch time, the guardians stay where they are. They don't need to eat like the others do, anyway.
Nightmare taps his arm, and looks at him with a question in his eyes. Dream tilts his head slightly in response, and Nightmare tries to point his attention in the direction of the Grown Up. Dream's eye lights dim slightly, and if Nightmare wasn't looking for it, he wouldn't have noticed it before Dream gave a sweet, closed-eyed smile.
“That's Mr. Bonnette,” Dream says lightly. “He's Cassie and Julie’s guardian- er- father? He's in charge of watching us play. Don't worry, he's nice.”
“Why isn't he going inside to eat?” Nightmare asks with a confused pout. “He feels hungry.”
Dream looks away with a shrug, fiddling with his sticks. “Not exactly.”
“I don't like it.”
Dream bites his tongue. With a stale giggle, he says, “It's okay! He won't do anything with both of us here. Are you hungry?”
“Not really.” Nightmare huffs. “What do you mean? What does he do when-”
“I'm hungry,” Dream cuts in. “Let's see if Cassie and Julie have anything they want to share.”
“Wh- we don't even need food. We already said no-”
Dream stands, pulling Nightmare along with him. “Come ON, Nighty! They asked us and everything! We should be grateful!”
“But-”
Nightmare is dragged to his feet anyway and pulled over to the Bonnette residence. That brings them closer to the Grown Up and away from their view of the Tree, filling Nightmare with a sense of dread. From this close, he can taste Mr. Bonnette's thoughts. They're sour, like buttermilk. Dream passes him, and Nightmare gets a spike of something rotten.
Nightmare doesn't know if he wants to know.
Once inside, Dream announces that they've changed their minds. Nightmare feels something in his bones roil, and his aura, visible only to Dream, bubbles. Dream holds his hand again.
Jullie claps her hands in a gentle show of joy, and Cassie jumps up to call their big brother back over. His face gives nothing away, but Nightmare can feel his annoyance. He doesn't want to impose, so he says nothing, doing his best to take up less space.
Dream pulls him up to sit next to him on the bench of their dinner table. Cassie starts bragging about how good of a cook their brother Joey is, and that this time next year they'll be looking at the bestest chef in the world. Julie nods, nibbling away at her snack of carrots and peas. Joey feels proud, but rolls his eyes anyway.
It's normal, it's nice, it's a family.
Mr. Bonnette looms in, and seats himself down next to Dream with a hearty chuckle, joining in on the fun. He sits too close. Dream laughs along, but something is still wrong. Nightmare isn't very subtle about it when he scoots over and pulls Dream closer, causing Cassie to notice.
“Hah! You're such a kit, Nightmare,” Cassie heckles. “Holding on to Dream like a baby. He's not going anywhere, you know.”
“Don't be mean, Cassie,” Julie says.
Joey steps over with a couple plates, setting them down in front of their guests. Nightmare glances at the meal warily. He picks up a nibble and sniffs it.
“I'd rather not make the Apple Guardians upset,” Joey adds under his breath.
Dream gives a nervous giggle. Mr. Bonnette claps him on the back, making Dream jolt. “It's all jokes anyway, eh boy? Nothing to worry about now.”
Nightmare wants to break Mr. Bonnette's arm. But that would be rude. He can't scoot away any further. Dream's hold on his hand is crushing.
“Please don't touch him,” Nightmare says patiently.
He takes a chance, and bites into the food provided. It tastes good, so he pushes the plate in Dream's direction.
Mr Bonnette rubs down Dream's spine before finally letting go, and Nightmare bristles at the sharp tang of his brother's unease. Dream rattles. The Grown Up is saying something, but all Nightmare hears is static.
“You only have each other,” Julie mumbles. Nightmare glances over at the small bubble of pity. “Do you get enough hugs?”
“Huh?” Nightmare blinks, looking around the table with a confused frown. They're all looking at him.
“Who would want a hug from a demon?” Cassie asks, genuine in her curiosity.
Dream balks at that. “He's not a demon. He's my brother.”
“Of course you would say that, you're the angel!” Mr. Bonnette jokes. “Everyone would be lucky to hug you- you're just so stars-gone cute.”
“Nighty is just as cute if not more,” Dream huffs.
“Dream.”
“He's very huggable!”
“Dream,” Nightmare pleads. “Stop it.”
Dream sighs, and picks up a bite of food to distract himself. Nightmare watches as he does, because the food is good and homely, and Dream likes it when he can taste good intent.
As if on cue, Dream perks up with a happy grin. “Oh, this is tasty, Joey! Thank you so much!”
Nightmare can feel the pride flicker in Joey even if all he does is nod and say, “Of course.”
Dream takes another big bite, wiggling gleefully in his seat.
Mr. Bonnette is watching him, and Nightmare can't bask in his brother's joy because of the rancid hunger that burbles from him. Nightmare decides that after this meal, they were leaving.
That was the plan.
That was the goal.
They weren't safe here. They never were. They never will be.
Dream shares the last morsel with Nightmare, claiming that he had made the perfect bite. Nightmare likes to believe that he's right, because it's good, and he can taste the love put into the meal. He's just a bit distracted, is all.
As soon as it's socially polite to do so, Nightmare stands from the table and pulls Dream up with him.
“Thank you for lunch.”
“It was delicious! Thank you!” Dream says with a nod.
Nightmare bows in staccato, “Yes. And thank you for teaching me how to play Sticks. Unfortunately, it's time for us to go. Right, Dream?”
Dream nods again, and Nightmare thinks he looks silly, nodding so much. His aura shakes, and Nightmare needs them out of these four walls as soon as possible.
“Aw man,” Cassie says with a whine.
“We had fun,” Julie says. “You're not as scary as we thought, Nighty.”
Color dots his cheekbones, but Nightmare doesn't correct her use of his name. “Oh. That's nice to hear. Thank you.”
Cassie leaps up as they start to head towards the door. She rushes over and gives Nightmare a crushing hug. Julie hops over and joins in, and Nightmare freezes in a jolt of fear. He looks at Dream with frantic eyelights, confused and scared.
Dream’s smile is wide and excitable, and he's no help when he follows right along and joins in the group hug.
“You're cool,” Cassie says when they part.
Nightmare clings to Dream, looking away with a full-face flush. “Th-thank you.”
“Woah, they get all the fun? Where's <i>my</i> hug?”
Nightmare's shy flush vanishes at that, immediately turning to a stark glare in Mr. Bonnette's direction. Dream stutters in his step, but when the Grown Up opens his arms expectantly, Dream moves to obey.
Nightmare yanks him back and pulls him out the door. Dream struggles only slightly, trying to reason with Nightmare that it was just a hug.
“Not for him,” Nightmare mutters. “I don't like him.”
“You don't know him,” Dream says weakly.
“He wants to eat you!”
“Not exactly…”
“What does that <i>mean</i>?”
Dream goes along quietly after that, refusing to answer his brother's question.
“Well,” Nightmare grumbles, “That's worse, then.”
Nightmare doesn't know if he wants to know.
Their shields are still in place when they return. Nightmare leads Dream over to their preferred nook in the roots of the Tree and sets him down. Dream looks up at him with tired, hazy eye lights. Nightmare hates it when he cries.
He scoots in close to Dream, who wraps up around him again, burying his face on Nightmare’s shoulder.
“I like Cassie and Julie,” Dream mumbles. “I don't want to stop playing with them.”
Nightmare hums. From his inventory, he pulls out a book.
“Mr. Bonnette tastes bad,” Nightmare says with a grimace.
“I know.”
“Like, really bad.”
“I know.”
Nightmare sighs and leans into Dream's hold. As long as he was safe now, he supposed, then they would be fine.
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